S3 EP25: Hal Cruttenden

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Speaker 3 Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Speaker 2 Some might say too many.

Speaker 4 I have one already.

Speaker 2 I don't have any, because there are enough.

Speaker 3 Politics, business, sport, you name it. There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

Speaker 4 But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Speaker 3 Why is that? Are they scared?

Speaker 2 Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Speaker 3 Possibly, but not us. We're here to ask the only question that matters.

Speaker 4 We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

Speaker 5 What did you do yesterday?

Speaker 3 What did you do yesterday? What did you do yesterday? That's it. All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Speaker 4 Day before yesterday, Max? Nope. The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Speaker 3 Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it. I'm Max Rushton.

Speaker 4 And I'm David O'Doherty.

Speaker 3 Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Speaker 3 Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday? I'm Max Rushton alongside me, David O'Dotty, where we will find out what someone did yesterday. Hi, David.

Speaker 2 Oh, is that what happens on this?

Speaker 3 Here's the premise. Yeah, you'll get used to the idea.
You'll get to grips with it in a year or two. That's what I reckon.
But you're doing mightily well so far.

Speaker 3 If you haven't understood the concept, David, you're bluffing your way through. You're faking it till you make it at this stage.

Speaker 4 Today's guest is, I mean, don't take this badly, but in the spectrum of Englishmen, he is more quintessentially an Englishman than you.

Speaker 2 As in,

Speaker 4 if you needed to keep one to propagate the stereotype of English people,

Speaker 4 I think Hal Cruttenden would be the one.

Speaker 4 As in,

Speaker 4 so me and Hal, I guess we started around the same time doing comedy.

Speaker 4 2008, we somehow both got booked on a coast-to-coast Canadian tour. This didn't come up during it.

Speaker 4 And in Newfoundland, we went to the pub and they told us there was an old Newfoundland tradition where they brought out a frozen fish and we had to kiss it in the mouth.

Speaker 4 And to this day, I still don't know if they were just having a laugh at the Irish code.

Speaker 3 What kind of fish was it? Was it like a massive, big, sort of big tuna type thing?

Speaker 4 I think it was a frozen cod.

Speaker 3 Cods can be big, like not a fillet, like a whole cod.

Speaker 2 Oh, kissing a fillet would be such a different vibe to the actual whole.

Speaker 4 So we had to kiss it and knock a shot back. And I actually thought that my mind may have just made it up.
But then I found a photo of it recently. And so I entered into it with my big Irish head.

Speaker 2 And Hal was much more, oh, um, oh, oh, okay.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 3 did you really get off with the cod and he just gave it a peck? Is that what you're saying?

Speaker 4 We had a relationship.

Speaker 2 It didn't last too long.

Speaker 3 Long distance is tricky, right? I mean, that's the problem. Otherwise, it would have been fine.

Speaker 3 Very hard to get where every time the cod would fly from Canada, it would thaw, and that would be bad. You'd have to pick it up in a cold box.

Speaker 4 It's not a sexy relationship, as in making love is complicated because it involves swimming thousands of miles and then putting some eggs under a stone in a specific river.

Speaker 2 Hang on, is that how?

Speaker 4 I don't know how card problems are.

Speaker 3 And then there's a headline where, you know, David O'Dotti is caught masturbating under a rock in Newfoundland. You say, I was just trying to, I was just trying to fertilize my one true love's eggs.

Speaker 3 And the Mountie stops you and says, I'm sorry. And that's why you spent four years in jail in Canada.

Speaker 2 We saw you trying to swim up that weir and avoid those bears as you leapt into the sky from the river.

Speaker 3 Anyway, this is for the tape. We recorded this a week or so ago.
It's someday there is an energy. There is an energy to Hal, which is unique.
I think it's frenetic, would you say? Frenetic.

Speaker 4 Yeah, like Hal gets a lot done. Yeah, even in this day, you see all the different projects that he's working on.
He's got his sitcom on the go.

Speaker 4 I mean, imagine if you or I had an interview with James O'Brien, which I don't think will ever happen.

Speaker 3 You've taken away the whole podcast.

Speaker 4 No, I know, but like, imagine that hanging over your day. That would be, that would be huge.

Speaker 3 Are you saying that Generic Man 3 here doesn't have the depth, hasn't the life experience to make a good hour with James O'Brien? You know, tell us about the relationship with your father.

Speaker 3 It's totally fine, James. Yeah, we go on.
Just text about cricket. Next,

Speaker 4 I really think Sunderland are the surprise package of this season. Max, I asked you about your father.

Speaker 2 Stop talking about football.

Speaker 4 Hal Cruttenden, his new show, he's on tour in 2026. His show is called Hal Cruttenden Can Dish It, but He Can't Take It.
He has a podcast with Ronnie Ancona that's called, is it called In Pieces?

Speaker 2 Is that what it's called?

Speaker 3 Yeah, Hal and Ronnie in Pieces. Yeah.

Speaker 4 And this is what Hal Cruttenden did yesterday.

Speaker 3 Hal Cruttenden, welcome to what did you do yesterday?

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry, I was about to take a sip of tea. No, it's lovely to be here.

Speaker 3 No, this is a lovely professional start.

Speaker 2 Let's keep it in.

Speaker 3 We don't want to get in the way of you drinking tea, Hal, but we will, while you're drinking tea, ask you some quite specific questions about what happened yesterday.

Speaker 2 By the way, do you very interesting point? Sorry, I will be asked about this. Just as an each point, do you know who are the biggest consumers per head of tea in the world?

Speaker 4 Is it us, the people of Ireland?

Speaker 2 It is Ireland. Isn't that amazing? You drink more tea per head than the Brits do, and you'd think the British would be more tea.

Speaker 4 Most of it's me. I have 12 cups lined up here in front of me that I'll be shotting throughout this.

Speaker 3 I'd have had India pretty high. This is like QI or no such thing as a fish.
We're branching out, David. This is very exciting.

Speaker 2 I'm sure India drinks a lot of tea, but it's tea per head, isn't it? Right. It's like the crime figures.
Sorry, I'm onto this at the moment. It's like crime figures.

Speaker 2 People go, look at all these murders in London. London's got a huge population.
London's murder rate is never usually the highest at all in the UK because the murder rate is not high.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I've made my political points.

Speaker 3 No, how I lived in London for years and I was never murdered.

Speaker 2 Exactly. I've made it through most of my life.

Speaker 4 Also, I mean, I know there's difference between causation and all the rest of it, but is it possible that drinking a lot of tea decreases the murder rate?

Speaker 4 Although that said, we have some murders in Ireland, but probably not as many as London. Maybe we'll get back to this over the course.

Speaker 4 I feel there was an interesting conversation just before we started, Hal. Your concern...

Speaker 4 which we do get sometimes on this podcast because we've been doing it for a while is you're worried that your day wasn't exciting enough because you only found out late last night you were doing this and what i love from how max was that he would have had a whopper of a day probably a couple of murders murders in the morning, then some stock car racing and a diamond robbery.

Speaker 2 Exactly. I'd have paid someone to give me a big TV job or something just to say that I'd been on that for the day to make a big thing as well.
Just to make out my career was going incredibly well.

Speaker 2 Although it is going incredibly well, because this is also about publicity. I'm on tour.
Well, you're on this.

Speaker 2 This is the software. I'm on this.
And that's the thing. I was genuinely excited about doing this.
And I genuinely forgot to put it in my diary. So it's not like I don't care about this podcast.

Speaker 2 Although, ironically, welcome on to this. Ironically, I was doing a slightly bigger podcast yesterday than this, but that's really unusual.

Speaker 3 Is there one?

Speaker 2 You know, this is like, I don't know, in rugby terms, this is New Zealand to South Africa in the world rankings at the moment. So you're right.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 2 Just being beaten by England, but

Speaker 2 New Zealand and South Africa, number two.

Speaker 3 The only bigger podcast, to my knowledge, is Joe Rogan. So I didn't have you down as a four-hour Joe Rogan episode.
But if that's what you did, Al.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was crying about his backing of Trump. It was a really exciting episode.
We don't know when it'll be out.

Speaker 3 Okay, let's get down to business, Hal. When did you wake up yesterday, please?

Speaker 2 I woke up. It was, I think, 8.30, which is pretty early for me because I'd had a gig the night before.
I was doing a tour gig the night before, but I had a busy day. Right.

Speaker 3 And do you wake up naturally then at 8.30?

Speaker 2 No. I was really pleased, actually.
My sleep is pretty awful because I'm quite... Dave has been on tour with me from across Canada.

Speaker 2 He will know that I'm quite a neurotic and I don't usually sleep well I had a surprisingly good sleep that Sunday night I went to bed after this gig went very well you know it was about one in the morning 1 30 and I woke slept for about seven hours woke up at 8 30 feeling good feeling fantastic I'm going to attack the day and do you think the main factor in that was you're like well at least I won't have to talk about this day tomorrow on a podcast

Speaker 2 yes do you know what if I'd known this podcast was happening I probably wouldn't have slept so well because I'd have gone I bet the day is going to be rubbish I bet we don't have enough to talk about I'm not getting enough sleep I'm not getting enough sleep so I'm having a rubbish day well I have had very little sleep last night by the way so my performance will be bad today but the story of yesterday will be better so my material's better but yeah I did I started the day really well going yes it's 8 30 and that's a reasonable time for me and I have things to do so I was excited what's the first thing you do then well the first thing I do is I have to eat early in the morning or else I get sick really I feel ill if I try and do things without eating I know that's terrible and also I'm on ADHD medication can you tell I'm quite wired.

Speaker 2 So I'm not allowed to take that until I've eaten. So I have to have breakfast quite early to make sure I don't end up taking it at one in the afternoon.

Speaker 2 And then, and then it keeps me up because basically it's a little bit speedy. And I've only taken it recently.
So I'm sort of getting used to that. So I was getting up, having breakfast.

Speaker 2 I was doing a little bit of work on this sitcom that is behind me that I felt really good about. It's about an hour's work trying to sort through getting this.

Speaker 2 pitch right for this sitcom that we're sending off to a producer, which is going to be massive. And it's very exciting that you're getting to hear about it first.

Speaker 4 To the listeners, there's a large whiteboard behind Hal that Max and I are struggling. What I'm seeing is bad hotel in Torquay,

Speaker 2 neurotic owner,

Speaker 4 wife who may be having affairs. Polly is the maid.

Speaker 2 I think this may have been done before. Manuel as a Spanish guy, as a waiter.
Yes, it's all very exciting.

Speaker 2 The major isn't racist in this one. There's not a racist major.
He's homophobic. That's the twist.

Speaker 3 There are many other racist characters, so it's okay. For the listeners as well, when Hal said there's a sitcom behind me, it is just on a whiteboard.

Speaker 2 It's not like playing out.

Speaker 2 So I was quite pleased that I got up early enough to do a little bit of work on that because I had other proper things to do about an hour.

Speaker 2 I think there's that thing of trying to grab that moment in the morning of actually doing that creative thing to get you going, I think.

Speaker 3 Now, we need to just first of all all find out what you had for breakfast.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yesterday.
Oh, sourdough toast. I live with my daughters, you see.
Not in a kind of

Speaker 2 a caring role.

Speaker 2 Today is Monday.

Speaker 3 The next meal is breakfast. Okay.

Speaker 2 They're 23 and 25. And of course, haven't left home yet because they're in sort of moraty sort of jobs they're going for.
But, well, like most kids, they haven't left home.

Speaker 2 And they buy sourdough bread. And I'm too lazy to get the bread I really want.
So I did have sourdough toast.

Speaker 3 What do you like about sourdough? Because it's sort of all it's all the race.

Speaker 2 It's not as nice as normal bread, is it? It's not as nice.

Speaker 3 I know what you mean. So you'd like it just a hovis, really, or a lighty white?

Speaker 2 Bloomer. But I mean, I know I've got to, it's better for you, sourdough.
But like anything that's good for you, it's not as nice, is it? Nothing is nice that's good for you.

Speaker 4 I notice this when I take Ann O'Doherherty brackets 87 for lunch to a hipster cafe, invariably it's sourdough.

Speaker 4 And then the sourdough is toasted such that the edges of it are like, you know, the way old people used to put broken glass along the tops of walls so you couldn't go in to get your ball.

Speaker 4 That's kind of what the toast consistency is like.

Speaker 2 I also have a thing. Does anybody else have sensitive teeth or teeth that suddenly go and give you a like a shock of pain?

Speaker 2 I mean, and the dentist goes it is just sensitivity or receding gums or something.

Speaker 3 More for ice cream than bread, I would say.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but sourdough does it for me. Sourdough and popcorn popcorn and chips,

Speaker 2 all those things go.

Speaker 2 I can buy some and go, ah, and something gets into my tooth or into the bit that's, because I've checked with the dentist so many times and go, yeah, you've got this sensitive thing.

Speaker 2 And sourdough is one of the things. So I do associate it with pain.

Speaker 2 It's just one of those things, isn't it, that we do thinking that we're going to make life better and it's probably going to turn out to be rubbish and not worth doing, isn't it?

Speaker 4 Hal, this is too philosophical. Sorry.

Speaker 3 I don't know you well, Hal. In fact, we've known each other for maybe four minutes, most of which was just trying to get the audio working.
But you could go and buy your own bread, couldn't you?

Speaker 3 I mean, I'm not.

Speaker 3 I hate to be your paximon acting all of this.

Speaker 2 Haven't you then got too much bread? So there's three of us in the house. You need a loaf of bread for three people before it goes off, really.

Speaker 4 Idea here from Ireland, you could freeze Howell's bread and then just take out a couple of slices of it and toast them to put it in your duelet or whatever brand of toaster you choose and just get it to your own colour of brown.

Speaker 2 Just a suggestion, how are you very sort of domesticated, David? Well, I'm not feral.

Speaker 4 I don't live in a forest, if that's what you mean.

Speaker 2 It does look lovely. You're behind you, by the way.
It's very neat and tidy.

Speaker 5 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 2 Of course, you can freeze bread and just put it in the toaster and have it, can't you? And I never think about freezing bread.

Speaker 2 Do people write in and go, I bet you loads of people never freeze bread either. And it's, of course, you should.
That'd be the practical thing of having.

Speaker 2 Is everybody else doing this and I'm not doing it?

Speaker 3 What a journey we're going on.

Speaker 2 Is this like succession where everyone's seen this and apart apart from me

Speaker 3 when they made succession they wanted to make it this is the freezing bread of hbo is what they said that's what they wanted what are you putting on your toast or what are your daughters putting on your toast i don't know i do i can't do my own toast

Speaker 2 liquidized meat and potatoes they just smear it on come on let's get it into you

Speaker 2 I don't want to start advertising too many products, but if I don't have, which I don't have at the moment, we've run out of Marmite and peanut butter, which has come back.

Speaker 2 You know, they got rid of it. The combined thing.
They got rid of it.

Speaker 2 And then there was such an outcry, and I did lead a bit of an outcry on, I did put something on social media about it going, this is a great spread. Look, I have some power.

Speaker 2 I don't think it was me that brought it back.

Speaker 3 Suddenly, it's back in,

Speaker 2 is it Sainsbury's or Tesco's? I think only one of them, I think, is doing. Maybe it's both of them.
So if I have that, I always have that.

Speaker 2 But because we've run out of that, and it's not that good for me, I had Marmite on one slice and raspberry jam on the other.

Speaker 2 Not eating interchangeably, the marmite is eaten first and then the jam, it's savoury, then sweet. Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 I know I'm not very healthy, and I know I should, in my mid-50s, should be having a more healthy breakfast. It's just there's a lot going on in my life, and I need pleasure.
Okay, I need pleasure.

Speaker 2 If I'm after eating sourdough bread, I'm gonna put jam on it, and marmite's good for you. We're having good butter on it as well, yeah, which is another

Speaker 2 I used to be margarine and light, all the sort of light stuff. And it's my ex-wife ruined me for that she insisted on proper butter then i got fat and she left me and yet i've stayed

Speaker 2 max why did you open this

Speaker 2 pandora's box of butter

Speaker 2 still because of her go oh butter's better for you it's that healthy thing and i'm not having a go at the irish but she's irish she's irish and it is a sort of healthy oh butter's good for you it's like guinness being good for you guines i don't want to go on a rant i'm sure guinness really isn't good for you It's alcohol.

Speaker 2 Ah, Guinness, there's iron in it and all that.

Speaker 2 It's the Irish we have to blame for pretending to us that unhealthy stuff is healthy.

Speaker 4 Fuck Enya as well while we're at it.

Speaker 2 You two haven't had a good album since the free one on the iPads.

Speaker 3 It does change the meaning of the phrase to butter someone up as to like give them so much butter, marry them, give them so much butter and then leave them because you're not happy with them.

Speaker 2 She didn't really leave me because I'm fat. As you can tell, she left me because I'm difficult, as you can tell from this interview.

Speaker 2 It's a little bit neurotic.

Speaker 4 Do we have a tea or a coffee?

Speaker 2 Everything's decaffeinated for me at the moment. Yesterday, yeah, I've having tea today and tea yesterday.
Because yes, again, this is all laziness and not going to the shops, okay?

Speaker 2 I've run out of my decaf coffee. So I didn't want to have a caffeinated coffee, so I had a decaf tea as I'm having drinking now.
So yeah, I've gone into tea. I usually will have coffee.

Speaker 2 I like to have a black coffee because, again, that's from dieting, isn't it? That's from trying not to have milk. But I've got skim milk in this tea.
I have neurotic in my sounding.

Speaker 2 I've only had about three hours' sleep.

Speaker 4 Can you take your meds straight away then after the toast?

Speaker 2 Yes. Tell me about that.

Speaker 4 Is that an immediate, do you get an immediate feeling from it, or is it a suppressed slow release across the day? I'm imagining you get out a credit card, you chop it up,

Speaker 4 you sniff it off of some sourdough.

Speaker 2 they should do it in lines actually because then you could measure it out more i think a pill is always quite total isn't it it's like you could but i because i worry about this with have you heard about people on adhd medication because i'm very new to it yeah well a lot of our friends are on adhd medication in the comedy world in particular exactly people worry it's going to make you less creative i don't think it is it does make me get stuff done it is a little bit speedy when i first took it it was like i was at a rave it was like wow and then you get used used to it and calm down.

Speaker 2 And what happens now is now I'm addicted. Because if I take a day and not take it, I really plunge and don't want to get out of bed.
So it's probably appalling. I'm actually seeing my guy today.

Speaker 2 Today would be an interesting day to talk about if we did this again tomorrow.

Speaker 3 We can if you want, but my understanding is it takes a bit of time to work out the right dose for you. So I don't know how far in your you are of that.

Speaker 2 I thought it would be magical. And I would just go, yes, I can now concentrate.
And I absolutely don't get... No, what it is, you actually still have to concentrate on what you're going to focus on.

Speaker 2 So I can, I can almost doom scroll more on my phone on ADHD medication and get more and more into it than I could before. But it's just if I choose to work, I feel like I get more focused.

Speaker 2 If I do sit down and go, I'm going to work on this. I'm going to work on this bit of stand-up or I'm going to work on this project.
I will get more done.

Speaker 2 And also, what I didn't realize was how much happier I am on it. I mean, so much happier.
I didn't realize I was so down.

Speaker 2 I was so depressed by feeling kind of fighting to concentrate, the battle to control your brain. And suddenly, something's helping you control your brain a bit.
I think that's the way it works.

Speaker 2 I think.

Speaker 4 And do you think if you had gone on it 30 years ago, you would now, you know what I mean, be this kind of Saturday night, Michael McIntyre.

Speaker 2 Michael McIntyre would not have his job. I would be.
I would be doing all those shows if it wasn't for ADHD. No, I don't think it totally solves everything.

Speaker 2 Sure. I don't think it can solve like your drive or it doesn't give you a buzz like it suddenly gives you huge confidence.
And I think confidence makes a huge difference.

Speaker 2 And my life would have been so much different if I was a very confident person. If I walked into rooms and went, hi, I'm going to do this.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I see that in people in our industry totally. People who, like David, don't have a lot of talent, but really have loads of belief.
I'm joking. I'm joking.
He walks in like the farms.

Speaker 3 He walks in like the farms.

Speaker 2 He just goes, hey, all right.

Speaker 2 People that just have utter belief. They just go out there and you you go, you're so brave.
I remember when I first saw Jack Whitehall, I don't think he in Munich in Germany.

Speaker 2 And Jack Whitehall was supporting me and he was about 19.

Speaker 4 In 1923, and a man had organised a beer putsch.

Speaker 2 I remember Whitehall appears.

Speaker 2 I'm not fussy about corporate bookings.

Speaker 4 The Riyadh Comedy Festival.

Speaker 2 Screw that. Who else was that?

Speaker 4 The Munich beer hole putsch.

Speaker 2 And Jack Whitehall was so ballsy. So ballsy ballsy as a 19-year-old, just out there doing bang, bang, you know, and

Speaker 2 I think he's a really talented guy. And like, you know, most performers, you don't make it without being talented, you don't get successful.
But that belief in yourself, I don't know.

Speaker 2 And then also it can go too far. And you can have a, you know, if you, I always wanted to raise my children with huge belief, you know, self-esteem.

Speaker 2 But then if you get that balance wrong, you end up with Donald Trump, don't you? You end up with massive self-belief, no sense of shame. I mean, it's unbelievable his confidence, isn't it?

Speaker 2 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 3 I am interested in raising, I have two sons, three and a half and six months, and I raised them on the Donald Trump program, which you can now do.

Speaker 3 It's showing, you know, slowly but surely, like my three and a half year old now does. He tries to separate undocumented families around Australia, where we are.

Speaker 2 Does he point at them in the street and go, that doesn't mean that?

Speaker 3 Show me your papers. We get him to say, go up there and say, just show me your papers.
It's really sweet when he does it.

Speaker 2 And he does something really degrading in his nappy or something. And the next day he goes, that wasn't me.
I don't know anything about it. No, that's a Democrat hulks.

Speaker 3 That was Chuck Schumer who shat on the floor.

Speaker 2 That's weird.

Speaker 3 So you've got your toast, you've got your tea. Now we're working on this sitcom.

Speaker 3 So I guess you can't tell us a huge amount about this, but sort of where are you at in the process, apart from the whiteboard?

Speaker 2 Well, I've been playing with this for ages, and now I'm on my medication. I'm getting back to actually getting it done.
There's a producer interested, and I'm basically, we're right at the beginning.

Speaker 2 This is way in the beginning. The truth is, if that doesn't get picked up, I want to make this anyway because I want to do this.
So it's a labor of love I'm going to do anyway.

Speaker 2 I'm going to try and make it myself, put it on YouTube. There's a comic called Joe Boer, who's a very good friend of mine, happens to be a filmmaker as well.

Speaker 2 Very handy to have friends like that because I think Joe would probably make it. If I went, Joe, let's make it, you know, I think there's that thing where I just want to do it.

Speaker 2 I've written a sitcom with someone else for radio. I wrote a one for Radio 4 with Dominic Holland years ago.
We had a couple of series of that. But I've just, it's always been my dream as a comic.

Speaker 2 And I'm in my mid-50s, and I've never gone for it and just gone, let's make this, let's do this.

Speaker 2 And it's going to be hugely unfashionable because it's written by somebody in their mid-50s, mainly about characters in their 50s, with obviously the youngsters thrown in to bring in the demographic and sell it.

Speaker 4 It's about a dodgy geezer in Shepherd's Bush who has a market stall, and then he brings in a younger guy who is a bit of a plonker, you would have to say.

Speaker 4 Between them, they have to look after after their grandfather.

Speaker 2 But it's not, because as you said, it's Shepherd's Bush, it's not Peckham. So it's West, and that's very mean.
It's West London, not South.

Speaker 3 Right, so we do an hour on this.

Speaker 2 I do an hour on that. Okay.

Speaker 2 And then I have to stop because I have a call for a corporate do, which is not a Nazi rally in Munich. Wow.

Speaker 4 So tell us about a call for a corporate do. Is that where they're like, this is what we need from you, Hal? Like, 20 minutes solid gold.

Speaker 4 Can you please not talk about how much you hate the powdered soup industry?

Speaker 2 Exactly. It's all just how much you're allowed to swear, what the sort of people are going to be like there.

Speaker 2 This one's really interesting. It was mining.
Mining. You immediately think coal miners, don't you? It's actually

Speaker 4 Bitcoin mining.

Speaker 3 Is it children being sent down mines for cobalt or something?

Speaker 2 That would be brilliant. I would definitely do that.

Speaker 2 No, but that thing of it's mining for lithium stuff and important minerals. minerals, no essential minerals.
And I thought that was all cornered by China and that's when the crisis was no Cornwall.

Speaker 2 Cornwall is going to be Cornwall's going to be exploding. It's the it's the what's it called? Some I've got it written down here.
The something minerals.

Speaker 4 Precious minerals?

Speaker 2 There's something.

Speaker 4 Our man Trump is obsessed with them at the moment and wants to get him out of Ukraine. Or

Speaker 4 I think as the Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets move back, some of them are being exposed, which is I think why you wanted Greenland, isn't it?

Speaker 5 So is it?

Speaker 4 You're doing a corporate to support the invasion of Greenland.

Speaker 2 No, no, this is the British ones. They're all very interested.

Speaker 2 I think some of it's all sorts of mining. Some of it's like tin mining and some of it's critical minerals.
I think it's called critical. So things like lithium and stuff like that.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I am very interested in it. I'm not going to do lots of jokes about it because I don't understand what they're talking about.
But I was just trying to understand what they do.

Speaker 2 But Corn was the centre in Europe for it. Wow.
And loads of this mining is in the same place where there were coal mines.

Speaker 2 There's loads of northern areas as well, northern England areas, where there was sort of coal mines, but there's often in those areas a lot of other things that you can mine.

Speaker 2 So it's just, it was just really interesting. I just had no idea how mining was still a big thing.

Speaker 3 So is it the Precious Minerals Miner of the Year awards? Like, what's the event? You know, Best Lithium Digger 2025.

Speaker 2 No, they sell the tools that do the mining.

Speaker 2 And I think there's a couple of, she said there'll probably only be two actual miners there who are sort of, though, weirdly, you'd think that someone like me, a sort of you know, middle-class twat in London, would do better with those sort of crowds.

Speaker 2 I actually do do better with tougher. I find builders love me.
I'm not saying they love me, but I do well with builders, but builders, corporates. Tougher times with lawyers and advertising people.

Speaker 2 If there are anybody who does corporate, when I say tougher times, these are still great gigs, but not at the same level as I reach.

Speaker 2 If it's like, I know that sounds like, oh, you know, I love the people kind of thing. But normal people, the more normal a job is for a corporate, the nicer the crowd is.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 The nicest people, insurance, because it's so boring. They have no respect for their job and they know it's quite boring.
And they're the best corporate crowds. Do you do a lot of corporates, David?

Speaker 2 Do you do lots of corporations?

Speaker 4 No, I've never, I've done one or two charity ones, and they've gone so badly. They're just like, you're doing it wrong.
They want a classic Cruttendon who can come out, stand at the mic.

Speaker 4 They don't want old fancy Dan here with his batteries and his stupid keyboard singing songs songs about boring bullshit.

Speaker 2 You're calling me mainstream. I think you're subtly saying I'm a very mainstream artist.
I can be mainstream, but also fascinating, I think.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I did the Sky Call Center Awards

Speaker 3 when I was working at Sky. It was really fun.
But if you were struggling at any point, you'd just go, because basically the call centers are either like in East Sterling or Doncaster or like five.

Speaker 3 You'd just go, Doncaster, and then like 30 people would just go absolutely wild going oh my god he said Doncaster and you'd be like yes I'm nailing this shit right so how much can you swear to a critical mining corporate great question I try and swallow swear words I don't you don't do rude material does the person on the phone say to you we don't want any swearing at this awards how or what oh yeah i checked that i did one recently that was honestly it was the lubrication awards lubrication

Speaker 2 the magazine was called lube, and it wasn't anything sexual, and they went completely clean set. They all had years of comics going,

Speaker 2 I think I used to read your clothes teenager, and actually, it was engine oils and stuff. It was nothing, it was none of those.

Speaker 2 It was so fed up with it, but they meant no rudeness at all because it had comics for years.

Speaker 3 No lube gags at lube.

Speaker 2 It's brilliant.

Speaker 3 That's so brilliant. It must be like, you know, Dougal in Father Ted with the red button going, Do not press this red button.

Speaker 3 You're on stage and you can't do a joke about lube when it just says lube in massive letters.

Speaker 2 Stuff keeps happening.

Speaker 4 Hal comes out and he goes to take the mic out of the stand and it just keeps slipping and it takes him about 10 girls to catch, but he's been told no jokes about lube whatsoever.

Speaker 2 I think I dropped a C-bomb once at a corporate and got away with it, which I should never do. So I think I must admit, I don't do...

Speaker 2 You don't do sexual material, do you, really, David? You don't do lots of things.

Speaker 4 I just brag about all of my encounters.

Speaker 4 encounters is that what you're talking about I don't I don't consider it sexualism or just incredible shagging tales that's all it is that's what I do though I mean not really but I definitely F and Jeff a bit but I do it you know the one thing about being Irish is that it doesn't really count exactly

Speaker 2 It's true. You can just say fucking or just an Irish accent saying fuck.
It doesn't sound as powerful.

Speaker 4 I'll go in there and be like, fuck off, you big, stupid room full of stupid fucking pricks. And everyone's just applauding, being being like, thank you for being here.

Speaker 2 I do have the thing though, don't you? I do have the thing of, I have jokes that don't work if you don't have a swear word.

Speaker 2 I have one joke that I feel really bad about because it does not work if I don't put a swear word in. And it's about...

Speaker 2 My ex-wife having, she's a children's book writer. So obviously I talk about divorce.
I can talk about divorce a lot. This is my second tour show about my divorce.

Speaker 2 And my ex has no avenue to really talk about our divorce. So look out for her latest book, The Selfish Fucking Clown.

Speaker 2 But it doesn't work, it doesn't work without fucking.

Speaker 3 That is a lovely idea that you know that she, you know, the two avenues you have are just, they're just, it's just not really fair on her, is it?

Speaker 3 She's trying to do the next Anton B book, and it's like she's trying to do a book about diggers. It's subtly put in, you know, you never unpack the dishwasher.

Speaker 2 This digger, yeah. Another one that was the hungry caterpillar who ate so much he was no longer attractive to his partner

Speaker 3 On Saturday, he ate a cherry pie, an apple, some licorice, et cetera, et cetera. On Sunday, Mrs.
Caterpillar left him.

Speaker 2 Is that what you say?

Speaker 3 Okay, so we have this call with the corporate. You're fully genned up on lithium and the precious metals.
They were lovely.

Speaker 2 I'm looking forward to that. Doncaster race course.

Speaker 3 So then where are we? So it must be, what, 10 or 11 now?

Speaker 2 It's about 11.

Speaker 2 Okay. What did I do then? I did.
How you can't ask me. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
I haven't yet properly got up. I'm still doing this in my pajama buttons with a shirt on top, and I've washed my face.

Speaker 2 Lovely. So now I properly shower because I've got an appointment at two o'clock in town in London.

Speaker 2 And so I properly get up and I iron my shirt and I want to look nice because it's a podcast that's quite important.

Speaker 2 Yours isn't important.

Speaker 3 It doesn't look like you've ironed a shirt for us, how?

Speaker 2 I was dressed because I had to take the car to the garage this morning. I have showered and stuff.

Speaker 4 We always ask that at some point.

Speaker 4 I remember when Gary Lineker did it, Max's first one. Excuse me, have you showered, Gary?

Speaker 3 He hadn't, so we had to wait 20 minutes. We told him to go and shower and then he came back, did the episode.

Speaker 2 I did my leg exercises as well because I've got knees that are falling apart because I'm in my 50s.

Speaker 3 Okay, what are your leg exercises?

Speaker 2 Well, I'm just doing these things to keep, I'm trying to preserve my knees, which are they're quite good. I'm probably going to have knee replacements on certainly one of them.

Speaker 2 And so I have to, I've got a little thing and I lie on the bed and I just tense them and then I do some squats with a pillow between my knees.

Speaker 2 I don't have a squishy ball, so I put a pillow folded between my knees and I stand up and get down. And I remember to do them yesterday.
So I was...

Speaker 4 How did you ruin your knees with respect

Speaker 4 to your great fitness levels

Speaker 4 and also the fact that you're not the most mobile performer on stage? It's not like you're doing Pratt Falls the whole time.

Speaker 3 20 years of rugby league. He played for Witness for 25 years.

Speaker 2 Widness,

Speaker 2 can you imagine how fully I was? Come on, boys.

Speaker 2 Third tackle.

Speaker 2 Third tackle.

Speaker 4 We really have to get some yards here.

Speaker 2 Come on, let's hit them hard and low.

Speaker 5 How'd you wreck your knees?

Speaker 2 To tell the truth, it probably was congenital. Let's take it quite seriously now.
It's a disability, I believe, but no one else believes it is. They just for bad things.

Speaker 2 I'm hypermobile, so my joints are too loose. So when I did play rugby as a kid, my knees would pop out.
So I've had about four ops on them, and basically it's really damaged the cartilage.

Speaker 2 You were a proper proper rugby player, weren't you? I remember talking about this in Canada, David, years ago.

Speaker 2 You were Ireland Juniors or something, age group.

Speaker 4 But I was no good. I wasn't actually good.

Speaker 3 So hang on, what level did you actually get to, David?

Speaker 2 Does he not speak to you about it, Max?

Speaker 3 We don't talk to each other. We only find out what the guests did yesterday.

Speaker 3 This is the first time we've had a direct conversation.

Speaker 4 I played for a team called Ireland Youths, which isn't that high a level, but nonetheless, it has got Ireland in it.

Speaker 3 Is Ireland Youth the good one? And Ireland Youths was just some nerdy wells.

Speaker 2 Like youths. They were found hanging out on street corners, eating on street narrow teaching and rugby.

Speaker 3 That S really, really made a big difference. Right, okay.
So you do your knee. So how many reps are you doing out of each?

Speaker 2 It's not many. It's only like sort of three sets of 12 on each knee and then three sets of 12 squats.

Speaker 2 The reason I mention it is because I actually remembered to do it yesterday and I find it so hard to remember.

Speaker 2 Even though I'm meant to be remembering these things for my ADHD medication ordering my life, I still go. Have I done that? And I do actually go to the gym like a fair bit.

Speaker 2 And then I got up and I showered after that and looked nice.

Speaker 4 You pick your podcast outfit for your big appearance on The Rest is Politics.

Speaker 2 Which, oh, I'd love to be on The Rest is Politics. No, it was on, it was global media.
It was to do, I was doing the James O'Brien, what's it called?

Speaker 4 Like the dedicated hour-long interview with Climb Inside the Mind of Cruttendon.

Speaker 2 Wow. You know, and he's had massive people do it.
And it's a bit of, you know, he does have some smaller people do it.

Speaker 4 Hal, you're a good guest. You're a great get for this podcast.
You're a great guest for O'Brien.

Speaker 3 I know. Can I just check? Hal, can I just check? Okay, and maybe I should ask you this at the end.
But like, James, I know James a little bit, and he's very good at what he does.

Speaker 3 But we're 37 minutes in. Would you say actually that you've given more of yourself uh yes great quest than you did to james o'brien

Speaker 2 this that is so awkward

Speaker 2 no because the thing is his one okay i've just looked up the title of it full disclosure of course full disclosure yeah yeah his one was really emotional it really was because he do you have you listened to them he i know we don't loads of us don't listen to enough of other people's podcasts i don't tend to listen to enough comedy podcasts anyway but i have listened to yours obviously last night when I found out I was on it today.

Speaker 2 Thank you, thanks very much. Johnny Baker's on was lovely, but

Speaker 2 he takes you through your life. He's literally going to what happened here, what happened to what happened here.
I joked with him, going, I'm going to try not to cry, thinking I'm not going to.

Speaker 2 I was sobbing nearly all the way through, made it through. Wow.
Because it's quite, I found a kind of through line of what made me a comic by talking to him. It was really weird.

Speaker 2 But I mean, I've sort of had that before, but just this, for me, I came to comedy quite late. I mean, late 20s, not late compared compared to some people.

Speaker 2 But it was literally talking about how I did not feel there was a place for me in the world, sort of thing. I didn't feel, I never felt quite at home at school.

Speaker 2 I never felt that at home at university. And even at drama school as an actor, I don't feel, I do do acting, but I don't feel like I was really there.
And comedy was the place I really felt at home.

Speaker 2 Now, David will tell you that there's a lot of people that probably don't think I am very at home in comedy. I'm not a lot of lives comedy.
No, but

Speaker 2 going through that thing was quite moving. And there were things that you go, God, yeah, I have actually found this.
And we talked about everything.

Speaker 2 We talked about, you know, I bring up my divorce anyway, but we're talking about my divorce, talking about my childhood, my dad's death and things like that when I was, I wasn't young.

Speaker 2 I was like 20, but I was young for my dad died. So it wasn't, there were still funny bits in it, but it was quite draining.
I literally walked out feeling really emotional.

Speaker 2 Called my sister, who was very excited, because James, one of the first things he said was, I forgot, of course, your sister was in Patang Yang Kippabang.

Speaker 2 Now, you won't remember, you'll be a bit too young for this, guys. Patang Yang Kippabang was on the second day of Channel 4 in 1982.
So it wouldn't have been shown in Ireland, would it?

Speaker 2 Anyway, but it was a movie with,

Speaker 2 it was directed, it was by Michael Apted. It was Gold Crest Pictures, but it was a series of movies.
And it had a lot of attention from teenagers at the time because it was about young love.

Speaker 2 It's sort of post-war, it was set in like 1948, and it's at a school in London, and this guy falls in love with this girl. It's all teenage love.

Speaker 2 And my sister was the main girl in it, was the girl that he falls in love with. And James went, for a lot of people, my sister was a lot of people's first real love.

Speaker 2 And I literally went to a new school as that came out with people going, that's your sister. And it kind of got me through first term of school.

Speaker 2 But my sister was this girl in this movie that everybody had seen.

Speaker 2 I mean, it got a limited release in cinemas, but it actually was, it was part of Channel 4 films, which is the beginning of Channel 4. Yeah.
And it got loads of attention.

Speaker 2 And there will be people, I know you guys haven't done it, but if you look it up, there's always people, oh yeah, Patagonian Kipperbank. That was the teacher was

Speaker 2 Gavin and Stacey, the mum, lovely

Speaker 2 English actress.

Speaker 4 Glenn Close.

Speaker 2 She's in Gavin and Stacey, and she plays the mum. I can't remember.
Alison Stedman. Alison Steinstead.
Alison Stedman, yeah. Alison Stedman was the teacher of it.

Speaker 2 And it was just very funny because James's first thing was like, oh, I never know that. And I immediately called my sister.

Speaker 2 And my sister went mad because I walked up and went, I've just been talking about you on this podcast and James O'Brien loves you. She went, but I love James O'Brien.

Speaker 2 They're both happily married, by the way. My sister isn't gonna, but she went, oh my god, James O'Brien knows me.
I went, James O'Brien fancied you as a kid in this movie.

Speaker 3 Are you like to call a family member after this podcast to say how moving this has been?

Speaker 2 You might call my sister again to go, oh no, I've gone and revealed that you love James O'Brien. Oh god, that's awkward.
I do overshare, especially when over-tired.

Speaker 3 Sorry. No, no, that's good.
Just obviously, we covered the James O'Brien.

Speaker 3 expods, but we need to know what you've had for lunch and how you get there because we haven't, you know, we need the chronology of this.

Speaker 2 So presumably you have a bit of lunch before you leave the house do you do you know what guys i'm really bad at eating during the day okay so i i suddenly arrive it's half one i'm a bit early for this two o'clock thing and i thought i've not had anything since breakfast so i go sorry have you got the train have you got the train there or have you got the tube

Speaker 2 i live in enfield which doesn't have a tube stop but i get enfield town down to seven sisters and get on the tubes and i don't know why i'm i'm just helping stalkers to find me

Speaker 2 there'll be many after this exactly and yeah I go in listening to music to get myself in the right mood because I did want to not mess it up because it was a, I knew it was going to be quite emotional.

Speaker 2 It was going to be, it was, it was a thing to be quite open about. It was a podcast that is, I think, quite demanding.

Speaker 3 So, what did you listen to? What did you listen to to get you in that frame of mind?

Speaker 2 I tend to listen. Oh, it's so embarrassing, though.

Speaker 3 No, tell us.

Speaker 2 This is because I'm going through a sort of midlife crisis, okay? It's why my comedy show is excellent at the moment, but my interviews are more dangerous. So

Speaker 2 I listen to things like Andre Day, Rise Up. I listen to Lily Allen's songs,

Speaker 2 her latest breakup album, but also things like The Fear, I Wanna Be Rich and I Wanna Be Famous.

Speaker 2 I seem to listen to women all the time. And it's not in a creepy way.
I just, women have the best songs that are about the crappiness of life. Maybe because, you know, I'm not doing that.

Speaker 2 Oh, life is harder for women, but they articulate their pain better than men, it seems to be, in loads of ways.

Speaker 4 I can see that.

Speaker 2 I also listened, by the way, Survivor by Destiny's Child. If you ever get dumped, broken up with, divorced, I mean,

Speaker 2 you're both in relationships, aren't you? Max, you're still with your...

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yes, I hope so.
I was when I walked into the shed an hour ago. So pretty much.

Speaker 2 Seriously, Survivor by Destinies, Child, I listen to as a kind of, come on, you're still going. You're still bloody going.
And because I've gone through this sort of crisis in my 50s, I do...

Speaker 2 I do have to big myself up with music in a way that I didn't used to.

Speaker 4 Side issue here. I know this podcast because former Irish Taoiseach Prime Minister Leo Varadkar was one of the last guests before Hal Cruttenden, the old Varadkar to Cruttendon handover.

Speaker 4 And it's one of those ones where you're fully in shot the whole time. Did you think about your outfit, Hall?

Speaker 2 Do you know what? I dress down, but I dress nicely. I wore that thing where I got, I don't look like I'm trying too hard.
So I wore, I don't know what the top is, it's a blue top.

Speaker 2 I don't want to describe it. It's kind of, it's not a shirt.
It's like a... Blouse.
Say blouse. Blouse.
Blouse.

Speaker 2 Smock.

Speaker 2 Smock, the wrong word. But it's sort of dark blue and it's kind of just cotton, but not, but looks nice.

Speaker 2 I also, I thought I might sweat a lot, so I have to wear dark colours because I will sweat into, I mean, sweat at, God, TV, the horror of TV for me was sweating.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, during Soccer Way and Glory years, how Richard Dunwoody, the jockey, came on in a grey shirt. And I would say...

Speaker 3 Within 10 minutes of being on the sofa, like rivers, not rivulets, rivers of sweat. And like, obviously, no one mentioned it.

Speaker 5 Look, it's live TV, right?

Speaker 3 You were all just everyone was just looking at it and a few times i would get the hair dryer in the brad break because i'm doing three hours of live tv like if you've got the wrong color shirt but he was it was just like he had the ganges out of the right one it was the amazon out of the left it was extraordinary isn't it a sign of being supremely fit though boxers sweat a lot in interviews and stuff yeah mike tyson who's poor sweating and so i just like to think it's my fitness that makes me sweaty.

Speaker 3 You did the leg squats.

Speaker 2 You did the leg squats.

Speaker 4 I appreciate that. One of the first times I did never mind the Buzzcocks, probably around 2010, I had a gray shirt on and I was done woodying a little bit.

Speaker 4 And they came on and it was one of those moments where you realize, oh, everything on TV is fake. They made me take my shirt off and they put sanitary towels.
ladies sanitary towels.

Speaker 4 They stuck them to my underarms.

Speaker 3 Did they put the shirt back on or did it was there like a continuity night where you had a shirt on and then you just had sanitary?

Speaker 2 Simon Armstrong was like, why have you got sanitary towels in your armpits, you big weirdo? Joe Swash does the same because I've seen him on a show go, that's what I use. I have overcome those things.

Speaker 2 I've put things on there and then sweated around them. That's how much I can sweat.
I stress, sweat, and I also sweat easily with heat.

Speaker 2 And I once had a sweat attack on live TV, Matthew Wright's show, the Channel 5 thing in the morning where you're on for about two hours.

Speaker 2 And it was interesting because they were going, oh, am I being, and they were sort of cutting away and he was going, oh, and panicking. I went, oh, is it, am I having a bit of a sweat?

Speaker 2 But I made a big thing about it. I said, no, no, don't cut away.
Let's talk about this. I said, I do have a sweat thing.

Speaker 2 It's like if I think I'm feeling hot, then I start sweating more and the sweat goes off. It was an interesting side discussion.
It's a show about current affairs and chatback current affairs.

Speaker 2 And I made it about me, which I think is the secret of my success.

Speaker 3 Sweating, the perfect silhouette of an always-ultra pad in your armpits. He's trying to talk about the cost of living crisis.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 4 I am imagining James O'Brien didn't get you onto

Speaker 4 your love of Marmite and peanut butter toast, though. You know, I'm just trying to keep show differences between James O'Brien's full disclosure and what she did yesterday.

Speaker 2 But this is so different. Sorry, if I'm getting to, if I feel like I'm about to cry and talk about myself as a child,

Speaker 2 then that was the more James O'Brien thing. But no, it was, it was really interesting.
It is quite therapied. It's quite sort of therapy that James O'Brien showed, but I love it.

Speaker 2 I think it's brilliant. It's really interesting.
But all yours is just as lovely, if not, well, I don't want to start saying reasons for that.

Speaker 3 Does James talk to you before the podcast, or do you like wheeled in and it's just like away we go?

Speaker 2 Great question. I did another podcast with him years ago, and so I knew him from years ago.

Speaker 2 In fact, I had the once I had the great pleasure of listening to him on the radio in my kitchen, and he read out a tweet I just posted in my phone and went, oh, this is funny from Hal Crunden.

Speaker 2 And it was something about Prime Minister's questions. And I went, it's magic.
I'm in my kitchen and I'm getting a mention on the rate. I just went, I'm so clever.

Speaker 2 I've made a political, little political joke, and James thinks it's great enough for Donald.

Speaker 3 Do you know what? There's something really funny about that is that, you know, obviously you've been on TV loads, and yet that moment.

Speaker 3 So, like, sometimes if I'm listening to, and I'm back in the UK, and I'm listening to the afternoon show on Talksport, Hawksman Jacobs, which is a show I host one day a week.

Speaker 3 But if I text Paul and Andy and they read it out, I'm like, oh, I'm on the radio.

Speaker 2 I've got two shows a week on that fucking radio station. I'd be like, oh my God, I'm early.
He just has an exposure. It could make all the difference.

Speaker 4 My dad is very good at crosswords and he used to regularly win the Independent on Sunday. They have an impossible, I don't know if it's still there.

Speaker 4 It was called Beelzebub and it had no black spaces whatsoever. And he won it so many times.
He used to win it under other family members' names then.

Speaker 4 And he once won it as me.

Speaker 4 And I remember seeing my name in there, but it goes like last week's crossword was won by, I think they, yeah, they send you a chambers dictionary, but I remember about three or four people just came up to me and it meant a lot more to me, even though it was a lie than someone saying, oh, saw you on whatever show or read whatever interview with you was just like, I didn't know that you can do cryptic crosswords and me just nodding.

Speaker 2 Did you just accept it? Did you not feel huge guilt?

Speaker 4 Well, it didn't happen enough that I am now officially putting to bed those rumors that I can do cryptic crosswords.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you are being open about it now. But that's, yeah, I think it says a lot about your character.
You didn't immediately feel ashamed.

Speaker 3 How long do you record with James?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I didn't say it.

Speaker 2 I hadn't eaten, so I grabbed a bar of thingy. You wanted to know food, didn't you?

Speaker 3 Sorry, I just didn't care. Oh, of course.

Speaker 2 I literally had a little energy bar. That's how unhealthy I was.

Speaker 3 So, sorry, you've only had two pieces of toast and an energy bar before this big draining ordeal.

Speaker 2 And how am I, this chubby guy? It's because I eat late at night. Right, okay.

Speaker 3 I look forward to the banquet. Okay.

Speaker 2 That finished about 10 past three. Okay, this doesn't sound like a very packed day because then, remember, this is sort of like my day off, Monday and Tuesday.
Today, sorry, I shouldn't. Is it okay?

Speaker 2 We say when we're recording.

Speaker 3 No, it don't matter. We don't care at all.

Speaker 4 This is not live. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I've been doing tour shows and I had no tour show.

Speaker 2 I'm in town, and so I went to get, I went to a shot at Gail's, I think, and I had a couple of decaf coffees.

Speaker 3 Great ham and cheese croissant in there. I mean, one of the best ham and cheese croissants that you can get.

Speaker 2 I had a pastrami sandwich, actually. I remember now, because this is when I started eating.
Pastrami sandwich. David, you talk about your personal life david you don't really do you don't

Speaker 3 do this i do uh on this a bit that this is just about my life but you guys you guys have not been in the dating world for a very very long time have you not for a while no in fact me and me and my wife you know that show first dates in they said in the restaurant with you know the french girl we watched that together and we just sit there going it doesn't matter how stale and terrible this gets.

Speaker 3 I can't go on another first date. I can't sit in a restaurant and say, do you go any brothers and sisters? Do you like goldfish? Have you ever been to Montevideo? I just can't fucking, I just can't.

Speaker 2 The thing is, I sort of love it. I sort of love it.
I do. That's interesting.

Speaker 2 Well, I love it and I hate it because it's presenting. Because I'm an appalling name dropper.
I mean, appalling.

Speaker 2 And I know that's not attractive. But I can't help it.
When I meet new people, I go, oh, I did this. I was like, oh, this the other day.
Oh, my dad will be Neil Kinnock. Things like that.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 Not showbiz name drops. It's more like politics.
It's more like, you know, quite minor rugby players who know me. I'm going, thanks very much.
Actually, massive name drop, massive name drop.

Speaker 2 I can't stop. Joe Marla started following me on Instagram recently.
And I knew him through someone else, but I'd met him only on, I've never really met him. And he said, thanks for the follow, mate.

Speaker 2 Because I followed him back. He went, thanks for the follow-mate.
I went, Joe, you're a legend.

Speaker 2 I mean, he knows I'm not that pro him because he's a Harlequins player and I'm a Sarry's fan, Sarah's fan. So he's a bit evil.

Speaker 4 I'd like a more obscure. It'd be better if you were like, oh, Topsy Ojo followed me.
You you know, some barely remembered player from the game.

Speaker 2 But I did get very drunk and sort of go up to Topsy Ojo at Twickenham at about two and a half years ago and just go on and on about what a wonderful broadcaster I thought he was.

Speaker 2 And I think he thought I was coming onto him. He is so lovely.

Speaker 2 And I was so drunk. I was going, you just have a warmth that's fantastic, Topsy.
You are so good. And I know he was thinking, oh my God, this guy.

Speaker 2 So I must admit, I quite like that first date thing because

Speaker 2 I don't know, maybe it's a performing thing of, particularly this is the middle-aged middle-aged man thing.

Speaker 2 And I think comics, it's not that we say anything particularly funnier or more interesting, but we're just good at talking. And loads of men are bad at talking.

Speaker 2 And women, particularly the older they get, really love that. So I know that I'm quite fun.
And I do this other thing, though, of always paying, which I know sounds old-fashioned, but it's not.

Speaker 2 I do it so that in case they have a horrible time, they go, At least I didn't pay.

Speaker 4 But is there not the fear that, you know, kind of like the second time someone sees your new tour show

Speaker 4 you know as regards the second date where you burn all the good gear like i'm talking about dating now yeah like it's stand-up comedy but you've used your strong material in the first one and by about date four they're like this guy is a husk this guy is just like an echoing sad cave day four is just the lithium minerals you know you're just doing good

Speaker 2 amethyst tell us to do some of your amethyst material there

Speaker 2 I think I do have a lot of opinions on a lot of things. So I'm not talking, I'm not showing off about my career or my job or anything like that.
I really don't do that. I tend to play down.

Speaker 2 I play low status. So they don't realize how dangerous I am.
That sounds really threatening. I mean dangerous emotionally.

Speaker 2 I mean dangerous emotionally.

Speaker 3 I was chatting to a friend of mine who has, you know, just split from his partner and is dating. And he was telling me his story.
And I was like, wow, this is just like when you're 16.

Speaker 3 He was like, yeah.

Speaker 3 Because they got together and then they were sort of doing a a course together and it was like, then they spit up and now they're not talking and everyone else in the course is like, oh, you see, they're not talking to each other.

Speaker 3 And you're like, yeah, oh man, this is exactly like when you're 15.

Speaker 4 Like, my friend was saying it's exactly teenager dating, even to the point where if you happen to go back for a cup of tea after whatever the pub, they're either living in a tiny room above a shop or it's shh, my elderly mother is asleep upstairs.

Speaker 2 And it's just, this like we are 18 again.

Speaker 2 It is very hard that thing because I have two girls. I have my two daughters in my house.
My daughters are getting quite used to saying hello to people.

Speaker 3 Well, presumably when they come in, wheel in your breakfast, they notice, don't they?

Speaker 2 Exactly. They bring breakfast again.

Speaker 2 But they're very nice about it. But it is hard.

Speaker 2 You're still living having to be careful or having to be quiet or having, you know, coming in late and stuff. So it is, it is, yeah.

Speaker 4 I would imagine, like, this is a very full day so far, emotionally highs and lows. What next, how?

Speaker 2 And then I'm sitting in the Uber and I look at my emails and I get an email from my PR Flick going, and tomorrow morning at 10, you're doing what did you do yesterday podcast? I went, oh my God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. So I got into a complete, oh, my God, what was this? Yes, I know this one.
I remember this. And I'd not put it in my diary.

Speaker 2 And I was going, oh, I've got to take the car in to do that tomorrow because I've had to take the car in for a a service. And will I get back in time? So I'm sort of, oh, I've got to set my alarm.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, I've got to do this.

Speaker 4 People are so happy to come on our podcast, Max. It's just, it's a real notch on the bed post of podcasting.

Speaker 2 Honestly, it's brutal.

Speaker 4 I have to serve as a Ford Cosworth. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 3 It just brings on a panic attack. And people find out they're on.

Speaker 2 I was desperately looking for emails going, do I need to do preparation? Oh, God. And then I realized, oh, God, it's this.
I've got to do about this day.

Speaker 2 And going, oh, God, this day is quite a personal day. I'm probably going to overshare, which I have done.
So, I started listening to your podcast.

Speaker 2 I ended the day going, I should listen because I'm terrible with podcasts. I don't listen to another comment.
I shouldn't admit that, should I? I will listen to it for now, and I promise.

Speaker 3 Which episode did you choose?

Speaker 2 Charlie Baker, but I only listened to the beginning because I had to go to sleep, so I was insecure because Charlie's obviously, you know, you know, Charlie well, he's your great mate, and I'm Felix.

Speaker 2 You're going, Well, they're not going to like me as much as they like Charlie, so I don't sleep.

Speaker 4 Hang on, let's just, before we get to this awful ending to the day, something to look forward to for everyone, we get home.

Speaker 2 It suddenly got freezing as well, didn't it, yesterday? So I was like, I'd gone out with just this top and this and a long coat.

Speaker 3 Your blouse. You're just in a blouse.

Speaker 3 You're in a blouse. Your James O'Brien blouse.

Speaker 2 Exactly. My James O'Brien blouse and a long coat.
And it got really freezing.

Speaker 4 What time were we home?

Speaker 2 Probably about 11.30.

Speaker 4 Oh, wow. Okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Went straight to bed?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't get to sleep till about

Speaker 2 half one. I think I was listening to the podcast.
I was

Speaker 2 doing, I was mulling things over. I do waste a lot of time.
Oh, I'd forgotten about this, about posting things on social media.

Speaker 2 So that ruins my evening as well. So I posted something on Instagram, a silly video of my go and look for it, actually.
My agent coming to see me.

Speaker 2 And my support act for my tour is with the same agent as me. And I made a little video about how, even though I'm getting on as an act, my agent's still so fascinated in me.

Speaker 2 And in the background, he's talking to my support act, Samira Banks, and Christian, my agent, just keeps on talking and ignoring me.

Speaker 2 While I'm going, Christian, Christian, it's quite a funny video that again did not get what it deserved. It only got about 3,000 views on Instagram.

Speaker 2 But I find when I put something out, it ruins my evening because I end up going, How's that doing? How's that doing? How's that doing? I mean, the ones you love never do well. The rubbish takes off.

Speaker 2 I don't get it.

Speaker 3 The best thing I've posted in the last two years was when I really did a brilliant reverse park of the situation.

Speaker 2 I knew it was going to be

Speaker 3 an amazing reverse park into a tiny space, and I filmed the video going, How good is this? I've parked this car so well, and it went absolutely insane.

Speaker 3 And most of the stuff I posed gets virtually nothing.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. Was it a video of the parking? It was just you talking about it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. I said, look, I parked this car.
I was next to Archie Thompson, former soccer room.

Speaker 4 He hadn't videoed the parking itself. It was just this weird, smug afterglow.

Speaker 4 It turns out what people want is really self-satisfied people saying they just did something well.

Speaker 2 I find the ones that really take off are anything political. Then people can argue about it.
Do you ever go at Trump?

Speaker 2 My Trump ones have gone mad if I don't. But I did one that was about a woman.
I was in a four-court, garage four court, and she said, I'm so sorry, I can't open my bonnet. Can you help?

Speaker 2 And I went, oh yeah, I'm sure. You just feel under here.
And she popped it, but she didn't, couldn't feel it. It was a new car or something.
And I went, oh, yeah, there it is. You just do that.

Speaker 2 And I opened it for her. And then I got back in my car and went, My life is met.
I've just known something. I'm so impractical.

Speaker 2 The fact I actually could open her bonnet when she couldn't. And I did what, you know, that sort of thing men are meant to be able to do is be practical about cars.
And for once, I fitted in.

Speaker 2 For once, it was a moment of such triumph. And it sort of took off.

Speaker 2 I don't think it was really people supporting me, just laughing at me being how ridiculous I was.

Speaker 4 It's interesting the similarity between these two videos.

Speaker 2 This seems to be what people and the algorithm want: just, yeah, generally cars involved and you furiously flagellating yourself in the back for having just done something quite basic exactly i know i know do you sleep with the podcast playing on the pillow then no i turned it off after a while and went oh it'll be fun i've got to get sleep i go to sleep trying to be quiet i mean i have to be quiet for my daughters who aren't getting up for proper work most i mean one isn't working but one one gets up at seven for work yeah so it's just that weird thing of creeping around your house because I'm the one that's late, you know, and gets in trouble for making a noise.

Speaker 4 Question how, do the meds keep you awake or have they sort of worn off by now?

Speaker 2 It's harder to nap with them. And I usually used to nap a lot.
I used to nap before gigs. I nap every day in Edinburgh.
But I find napping is harder, but I still manage to.

Speaker 2 I probably will try and get a nap in today because I've literally woke up at five in the morning, mulling over my conversation with my ex and didn't sleep.

Speaker 2 so i've only had about three and a half hours sleep so went to sit at 1 30.

Speaker 2 so it is harder to sleep but you're generally happier so you're tired but happy

Speaker 2 being tired and happy is a good place to be i think yeah that's a great place to be i have stopped in the car at like three or four in the afternoon once between gigs when i was touring and still had a nap and that was on meds so i think i'm getting my body's adjusting to them and i'm seeing my guy at five today who's probably gonna go you've not improved at all you're appalling

Speaker 2 i've just overshared on the podcast. Is that normal? It's Al when he listens back to your episode of James O'Brien.

Speaker 4 And James O'Brien asks, How are you at the start? And you talk for one hour and 10 minutes.

Speaker 4 It's the first time O'Brien has left the podcast to go to the shop and comes back and smokes a few Marlborough lights.

Speaker 3 He did a Pilates class, didn't he? And came back and you said, Well, let me start with my childhood.

Speaker 2 I am a bit known like that. Have I done that on this? No, you're good, though.
You don't.

Speaker 2 I have done journalist interviews for tour things, and they've asked three questions in an hour, and I've gone, I just go off.

Speaker 2 I'm also quite a lonely figure that just quite likes talking to people. Hal, you have been absolutely perfect.
Thank you very much for coming on.

Speaker 4 What did you do yesterday?

Speaker 2 Brilliant.

Speaker 3 So there is Hal Crutton done yesterday. We can only criticize all the guests we've had so far for not being as open.

Speaker 4 Do you think this might be the least erotic podcast that there's ever been?

Speaker 3 I mean, I've got to say, I host two podcasts and I think it's quite between them, it's close. And which is the least erotic?

Speaker 3 At least this starts, this often starts and ends in the bedroom.

Speaker 4 I don't think anyone has ever brought someone home and just, you know, maybe prepare a little whiskey and I'll just pop something on.

Speaker 4 And they put on the Ashes podcast, hosted by Jeff Levin and Max Rushen.

Speaker 3 I tried to know: has anybody made love to this or Football Weekly? I don't like to think of it like that, you know.

Speaker 4 They have by mistake, like it came on after something else for DevOps.

Speaker 3 Right, I see. After your saxophone playlist, it just automatically.

Speaker 4 If you have ever made love to the What Did You Do Yesterday podcast, please let us know. This is how to get in contact.

Speaker 3 To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com. Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod.

Speaker 3 And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform. And if you didn't, please don't.

Speaker 3 Thank you, David. I had a nice time.
And I tell you this, I am in it for life.

Speaker 4 Thanks, Thanks, Hal Cruttenden.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Hal.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what a day.

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