If You Ruled the World: A Listener Grab Bag [VIDEO]

You're listening to What Now? with Trevor Noah. So, it's Thanksgiving week here in the United States, and guess what? We have a little bonus episode just for you.
Perfect to help spark a conversation at your Thanksgiving table. Yeah, and hopefully, hopefully, a conversation that won't lead to someone storming out of the room.
If you've been listening to the show for a while, you know that one of our favorite games

is If I Ruled the World.

And you probably know how it works.

Everyone comes up with one suggestion.

If you were in charge of the world,

you could do anything,

anything you want,

what would it be?

What would you change?

You make your case,

and then everyone votes on it. And if you get enough votes,

that change would happen in your hypothetical world. Well, today it's If I Ruled the World

listener edition. We got a bunch of suggestions for ideas from you, the What Now listeners,

and Christiana Mbacque-Medina, Josh Johnson, and I. Well, we run through them and we decide if we

would in fact want to live in your world. It's a fun one, so let's get into it.
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Always pay careful attention to the road and do not drive while distracted. So before we get into today's If I Rule the World chat, since it's Thanksgiving week, I've been thinking a lot about the kinds of conversations we have when we gather with friends and loved ones around the table.
And a lot of people ask me this question. They'll say, oh, Trevor, what do you do with your family? Like, how do you keep it light? And look, I don't have a perfect answer for this, but I noticed there was a distinct difference in how some people started having their thanksgiving conversations especially over the past decade let's say and how we would gather with family members back in the day in south africa and the biggest one was we started all our conversations speaking about things that we all experienced just taking people down memory lane you know connecting around like crazy stories like you know grandparents would talk about the grandkids and how much they'd grown and like embarrassing stories from their lives and you know and then the parents would talk about their first time having a christmas dinner because obviously we didn't have thanksgiving in south africa but we had family gatherings and family dinners where everyone came together at a certain time of year.
And what I noticed is if you start conversations with the fond memories that connect people, you spend less time in the politics of now that divides people. And it doesn't mean you can't talk about politics.
I'm not saying that, but just remember what you're trying do You're trying to connect with other human beings around a table sharing a meal It doesn't matter what the holiday is That's fundamentally the purpose and so if that's the purpose Think about the best way to go about that It's finding a way To connect with another human being's heart and a lot of the times Our memories are where our heart lives so i don't know try it you know ask your parents about a funny story from when you were young that maybe you've forgotten about tell them to share something embarrassing about you that maybe you didn't know about you know and then you can tell them a story from your childhood something that you got away with that you always hoped never find out. And I don't know, let's connect and see if we can make this one a little less about politics and a little bit more about the human beings connecting around this time of year.
And maybe this will give you some inspiration. Play a round of If I Rule the World with your friends and family and see if things stay a little more fun and insightful.
right and remember to think big think about crazy think just completely out of the box in fact if you want inspiration take a listen to me christiana and josh right after this short break this episode is brought to you by brooklinen your bedroom is not just the place where you sleep. Let's be honest.
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dot com and use the code trevor for 15 off your online order of a hundred dollars or more that's brooklinen.com use promo code trevor for 15 off well look at that we're in the real world now here are a few that came in i'm gonna read them to you i mean we're still judges reading and reacting i will read them to you and then we'll vote on them okay okay first suggestion if i rule the world all airplanes would board from back to front and we'd remove all wi-fi from planes no i mean they had me with the first sentence i don't know why they would ruin it with the second one yeah what you want the wi-fi i disagree both i just started flying business class so now you guys want to take it away from me. It's just Wi-Fi, though.
Yeah, but if you're in the business class and you bore it later, that's more time to be in the lounge, potentially. If you really think about this as like a real champagne capitalist, right? Okay.
Let all the pours get on first, right? Then what's the point of the capitalism if you're not treated better no no you are treated better because you get to an inner lounge for longer yeah no but then you lose the overhead space no you don't because they save it for business class they're supposed to save it the only people who lose it are the people in the middle they're screwed no matter who bought it paid more for their ticket yeah they did actually it's crazy they did actually yeah so you're a no Absolutely no And I want wifi on a plane You like wifi on a plane? Yes I'm on TikTok I'm on Instagram I'm scrolling I'm in the family WhatsApp group Christiana we need to discuss your habitual connectedness Oh yeah I'm heavily online Do you know that's the one time where I'm gone? Gone, gone, gone in ways that you cannot even imagine Why? No when I'm on a plane i'm like guys there is nothing that needs me on a plane i'm gone i have like that old vibe to it where i'm just like ah he's on a plane you know who i'm like remember justine sacco oh yes the girl yeah the girl who made the joke the woman who made the joke was like going to africa hope i don't get aids lol just joking i'm white and then landed in africa and her family was like you need to go back to America. And the whole world was like, you're fired and we hate you.
I live that kind of life. I don't want to know anything that's happening on the ground because I'm on a plane.
Even if like an asteroid hit, it's none of my business. I'm on a plane.
It's nice to be unreachable. Yes.
So I agree with that. And that's why I would say, even though I'm not fully in favor of the Wi-Fi thing, there are certain movies that I don't even try to watch unless I'm on a plane.
There's got to watch it right away, wait till it comes out on streaming, plane. And so I think if I had Wi-Fi on the plane, I wouldn't.
You wouldn't watch them. I wouldn't watch them.
So I'll go fully yes with this. No Wi-Fi, but then Christiana voted no on it.
No on both proposals. And board from back to front, you and Josh? You have to board from back to front because the chaos that happens the way that we do it now, we're late every time.
They have to make up time in the air on the last five flights I've been on because we get to the back and they said that it was full but then everybody's like i'll risk it and they're sitting in all these different areas and so now people have to go to the back because that's the only place in any space but then people who finally get to the back who were boarding last because they're group z they're the ones that are like but this should haveate. Now there's an argument.
You got to board back to front. So I've seen somebody deal with this.
I guess they were like, I don't know what level of math you have to be doing. But apparently the best way is not back to front and it's not front to back.
Because if you do back to front, there's also going to be issues apparently. So your problem would come in when you're actually boarding.
Because josh is seat 30 i'm 29 you're 28 but if i get on the plane and then christiana doesn't you're still going to have people blocking each other yeah so you'd have to line people up outside by their seat by their row and then you don't have enough space in the airport to do that so that's why it fails the real way you're supposed to do it is actually it's supposed to be like Alternating seats And alternating sides Is how the plane Is supposed to board From Like just like Left left right right But like flip one Skip one It's very complicated It's not gonna happen So whoever sent that in Thank you very much For listening to the podcast But it's a no Thank you Here's a few more All bosses are selected by employee votes.

No.

Ooh, that's a beautiful way to lose a company.

Democracy is bad.

Like you can't, if you,

because this is the thing,

I'm a pretty likable guy.

It doesn't mean I'm effective.

Touché, my friend.

So it's like everyone might vote for me to be their boss. They know I won't say no to PTO.
So now because I never say no to PTO, I'm the only one at work. And then the company is losing hella money.
We're hemorrhaging. What people should vote on is salaries.
What do you mean? I think there should be radical salary transparency. Like you know what everyone makes.
Yes. That's wild.
And then like every year, you know when it's like promotions and raises. We vote other people's salaries yes wow wow wow wow wow mind you you know do you know what people will treat each other so well in that office wow or or class warfare many many true crime documentaries no we're like the cause was including the CEO.
You know like the CEO's salary is a sign.

The board approves it.

I'm saying if we're going to be voting on anything, it shouldn't be who's the boss.

It's like how much money you're in.

You're literally creating murders.

Class warfare.

You are literally, when I find out that Josh voted against my salary bump.

Why would he, unless he shed his vote.

Let me tell you something.

People are getting killed.

You have created an office of murderers. I'm going to vote no as well because I just think it's ridiculous.
Oh, I'm voting yes, but I know my moves. You're voting yes? Yeah, class warfare, baby.
Man, whoever you are, you brought out Josh the Joker, the worst version of Josh. This is the Josh that if he falls into a vat of acid, we're all screwed.
The only thing holding Josh back from this character is that he's still like a functioning member of society so uh that's two two no's and a yes yeah all right it's a no but thank you for listening to the podcast um next person says if i ruled the world i would ban single ply toilet paper yes because it's it's a lot like a a government program where they don't really you. I would rather have no toilet paper in there than toilet paper I can see through when I look at it in my hand.
You've clearly only grown up in a first world country. Do you guys know this stuff before toilet paper? Yes, I wiped my ass with newspaper for like years of my life.
Newspapers thicker than one ply? Have you ever met the corner of a newspaper that you folded? There's no edges on toilet paper. It's sharp, but it's thicker.
Yeah, it's sharp in your butt. Exactly.
It's thicker. Sharp in your butt.
Exactly. This is a very first world opinion.
You would rather have no toilet paper? One ply is your hand. I would tell you.
I've used my hand have you used your hand i've used my hair while i use one ply first of all why do people act like you can't fold the toilet paper what what crazy world are we living in because when you want yeah when you when you try to wrap one ply yes i understand you can't make two ply one plus one still equals one let me explain something here one ply is like flying coach at the back of a plane it is the least good way to do something but you are still flying in a plane everything else is walking or being on like a ship the way that my fingers have broken have you wiped your ass before without toilet paper i Intentionally. No, not intentionally.
Intentionally. Yes, I have had to use.
Intentionally. I have, Josh.
I have. Let me tell you something.
Don't ever wish toilet paper out of your life. I'm not saying I wish all the toilet paper out of my life.
I'm just saying that one ply is so bad. Yeah, you'd ban it.
But then now we have no ply. Okay, I'm ready to vote.
Mine is no. Christiana? No, because I think it's good for the planet.
I don't know how trees work, but it's less paper. All right, Josh? Yes, because it's barely real toilet paper.
All right, well, that's still two no's and one yes. If I ruled the world Was voted down But thank you very much For listening to the podcast

We really appreciate you

Thank you so much

We're gonna continue

This conversation

Right after this short break

Alright

Here's another one

If I ruled the world

High schools would start

No earlier

Than 9am

That's

Brilliant

Yeah that's fine

Brilliant

Teenagers need sleep

Yeah

Let's brilliant. Yeah, that's fine.
Teenagers need sleep. Yeah.
It's cruel. That's like part of the problem, actually.
There would be more kids in extracurriculars if some of them weren't at like 7 a.m. Extracurriculars? Yeah.
So like some of the clubs, like for instance, I did Quiz Bowl when I was in high school. You did what? It's like trivia for high school.
I was a virgin. You did what? I just want to know what this is.
Quiz Bowl is like, okay, it's like imagine Jeopardy, but for everybody. And you go up against other schools.
Okay. And you do Jeopardy pretty much, but it's not like the structure of picking off the board okay it's like i'm gonna ask you one of the most random questions you ever heard yeah you might know the answer you might not but your school gets points if you do could you be like yo uh there's a girl um tenashe at our school and she has what on her backpack can you ask a question like that it's all jeopardy type thing so what's the biggest ocean yeah but it's more specific than general knowledge which is also and you did this at what time um it would be maybe i went there at seven who designs your schools but school starts at like 8 8 30 yeah so it Yeah.
So it's like, yeah, no, no, I understand that.

We also had it at 8. So if you're going to do extracurricular

that's before school,

Why would you guys have extracurriculars before school?

Because you want to do the ones after.

We called it extracurriculars because it was extra.

You cannot do extra before.

Apparently you can.

Imagine going to a restaurant and you're like,

could I get an extra side of rice?

And they're like, we haven't even served you yet. What are you adding the extra to? The whole point of extracurricular Is that you have your curricula Then this is extra Yeah You can't start with it We're fixing the wrong problem here In your scenario You would just say Welcome to America Because that is what we do But you seem to know What's it like in the UK? No, in the UK We have like A little bit of socialism

Oh, there you go

You hang out in the beginning

Yeah, yeah

There was nothing

I don't know

This is a weird one for me

It's also the only way

I'd actually say

Start school at 10

And finish at 3

That would be my proposal

Start school at 10

Finish at 3

Yeah, that would be my proposal

Okay

I don't know

So I have a different proposal

I think you should start earlier

But do nothing for longer

No, but they have... Yeah.
Finish at three. Yeah.
That'd be my proposal. Okay.
I don't know. So I have a different proposal.

I think you should start earlier, but do nothing for longer.

No, but they have to get out of bed.

That's the issue.

They need to sleep because they need to grow.

How much sleep?

They need a ridiculous amount of sleep.

12 to 14 hours.

12 to 14 hours.

Teenagers, your brains, your bones.

It's insane.

They've done studies where they're like, so much sleep.

That's why we think they're dumb. Because they don sleep enough and then we try to teach them and then at least i'm just talking about in the states we try to teach them and they're tired then we give them a test and then they fail and then we're like okay moving on to the next more difficult subject and they have to go home and study yeah late.
Do their extra, extra curriculum.

Okay, I'll vote.

Then I'll vote yes.

This seems well considered.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Yes.

Whoever you are, congratulations.

You have achieved the first yes.

If you ruled the world, high schools would start no earlier than 9 a.m.

This person had an opportunity to rule the world and they just moved it by like an hour.

I mean mean that's

responsible use of power but not very creative but thank you for listening to the podcast

um the next suggestion we got was if i ruled the world everyone no matter their job has to shadow

a service employee one day a month what is a service employee are they talking about waiters

okay okay i was making sure no um what do we what do we define by shadow i think shadow means like do the job i thought shadow meant just watching someone do the job yeah my shadows never helped me do anything yeah you just like oh i want to haven't you had that as a comedian oh i want to shadow you for a day comedians don't shadow anybody but but the way that i shadowed when i when i was working at like a regular job yeah was to do a mini version of the job oh josh i think you got tricked into free labor yeah yeah that was yeah i don't think that's shadowing so maybe we should vote yeah i really think that's unpaid work maybe we should vote then i think what i think shadowing is literally you just like see what how the person does it yeah but, you just watch. But what is the purpose of this? I don't get it.
Because I think they want us to gain empathy for like service workers. But if anything, watching someone do their job up close, you always have less empathy.
Yeah, that looks easy. Yeah, it's like, oh, you're going to be like, do that better.
Yeah. That's why I gained a respect because then they would hand it to me.
And then you would see how hard it is. So I thought shadow meant.
No. Because you know how your shadow is attached to you? Like I thought that you had to be doing some of the.
But your shadow doesn't do anything though. It's attached but it doesn't do anything.
No, I see that now. Okay.
I see. I see what probably happened to me.
I'm ready to vote on this one then. I say no.
No is a no for you josh no i i guess not now knowing what the understood shadow is i'd say no it's a no yeah i thought thank you so much for submitting uh but you will be the only person shadowing somebody at their job but thank you for listening all right our final um idea from people who listen to the show if i rule the world all toilet stalls should be completely soundproof we don't need to hear what's going on in there okay this one i'm already going to tell you is a no for me that's like the joy of going to a public toilet you like to listen no i don't like to listen but that's the joy of it it's like a horror movie i don't like horror movies but if i took out the joy of it. It's like a horror movie.
I don't like horror movies, but if I took out the scary parts, then it wouldn't be a horror movie. A public toilet without the sounds is not a public toilet.
It's still public. It's just soundproof.
It would be creepy. Imagine going into a public toilet and it's silent.
I want that. No, this is creepy.
Here's the thing. I'm going to vote no with you, but for very different reasons.

I feel like I don't love the sounds, and I'd rather not hear them. You're misunderstanding me.
No one loves the sounds, but the sounds are part of the experience. I don't even want to hear the toilet flush.
I mean, I wish I wasn't in there when I'm in there. You wish you weren't in there.
That's the point. Yeah.
That's's the point but the but the sound i would say needs to be left up to the environment because i went to the bathroom and there was a guy who fell right and we know he fell because he was like ah i fell right inside one of the in the stall okay and if it had been soundproof who knows no one would have helped him yeah you could die in there okay have you ever used a public toilet and needed toilet paper and asked somebody to bring it to you i've done that once once in my life that happened to me back in south africa but that happened once and i was like ah man there's no toilet paper and then i had to shout out hey i need toilet paper and then someone handed it to me over the stool yeah no no i got mine rolled to me they rolled it on the floor yeah so you wipe your ass with no no no no it has more it's unrolling as it rolls it it travels the way that it oh so you left the part of it that had yeah so basically i was in a uh a bathroom yeah in a that was out of toilet paper and i had to wait until somebody came in and so then i was like hey like i need help and the person was like okay i got you right and then they left and they never came back they didn't have me wow and then someone else eventually came in i was like hey i need some help i need toilet paper and they were like oh i got you okay and then they left and i was worried they wouldn't come back but when they came back they had the big old roll yeah that big roll that you install oh yeah yeah yeah and he bowled it under to me and it was a it was a real hero move i like this all right i will say you get to meet The person afterwards Remember back in the day On that TV show Rescue 911 You'd get to meet The operator who saved your life So Did you get to meet the person Did you like hug them And take a picture afterwards No because I started Thanking him And then he left Cause he knew I was wiping While I was thanking him And I think that was Too much for him Alright so We're ready to. All toilet stalls should be completely soundproof.
Mine is a definite no. Yeah, I'm changing to a no only because in ladies' toilet, I don't know if you know this about women, but when I used to club 10 years ago before my life was over and I had kids, you just, you hear so much gossip.
You see? It's part of the experience. And I believe in gossip, also known as oral history.
You know, so You know So like I like When you're on the toilet You just hear people talking shit And you don't even know the character Exactly But like all of that It helps the camaraderie That would be the only reason This is yet another thing That'll make people feel isolated It will make you feel alone Do you know how nice it is To sit in a stall Go through something physically And know someone next to you Is the same? Well, I like the person that coughs because they're about to drop a load. That always makes me laugh.
You see, this is what I mean. Now you're understanding what I mean.
You were so against me in the beginning, and now you get it. The sounds make this what it is.
I vote no, no. Toilet stalls should not be completely soundproof.
No. No.
Well, there you go. That is a flat out no.
We'll be hearing you take a dump, dump whoever you are but thank you so much for listening to the podcast so the only thing that got uh passed from the public high schools will start no earlier than 9 a.m so we'll see you at 9 0 1 our listeners are really concerned with toilets and toilet paper like what is going on in the bowels of like it's actually why it's so hard to change the world. Look at all those proposals.
It really is. Only one thing.
People don't think big enough. Well, there it is.
If I Rule the World, listener edition. Thank you, every single one of you, for your wonderful suggestions, even though we shut down almost all of them.
But, I mean, that's the nature of the game, right? And guess what? We want to hear much more from you. So we have a What Now email address.
It's whatnowatdayzeroproductions.com whatnowatdayzeroproductions.com Get in touch with any comments about the show, suggestions for future topics or guests, and more of your If I Rule the World ideas. I promise we won't shoot them all down, by the way.
So, you know, send us a few. Let's see what happens.
Tell us your name and where you're writing from. And better yet, record it as a voice memo and send it along so we can play it on the show.
Once again, that's whatnowatdayzeroproductions.com to reach the show. We'll be back next week with a full new episode.
In the meantime, from everyone on the show, we wish you a happy Thanksgiving.

May all your plain boardings be smooth and all your toilet paper be two-ply.

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in partnership with Day Zero Productions.

The show is executive produced by Trevor Noah,

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Thank you so much for listening.

Join me next Thursday for another episode of What Now? Thank you.