Season 4 Episode 10: A Funn Farewell

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This is the universe.

Big, isn't it?

I like to close my eyes and imagine.

So many people.

So many stories.

It's all far beyond the remit of a funeral house mouse.

My world is so tiny by comparison.

But that doesn't make it any less important.

You see here,

on our planet, between the countries of England and France, on a modest little island called Pifling, the fate of one man hangs in the balance.

It's night.

The inhabitants of Pifling Vale are fast asleep and dreaming.

Most are wholly unaware of what's happening behind the scenes.

But change is coming to Piffling Vale.

Things will never be the same again.

Come in, Chapman.

Come in, Chapman.

Request your position.

We are sending signals.

Are you receiving me?

Come in, Chapman.

Come in, Chapman.

Are you receiving me?

But at my back, I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near, and yonder all before us lie deserts of vast eternity.

Andy Marvel, what a marvel.

What's your name?

Your aircraft is damaged.

Request your position.

I can't do that.

Instruments gone, crew gone too.

All except my co-pilot, Brett.

He's dead.

The rest all bailed out on my orders.

Time 0335.

Get that?

0335.

We'll be sorry about Brett.

We all likes him.

Where are you speaking from?

A tracking station?

I hope it's cozy.

Chapman?

Are you all right?

Are you going to try to land?

Can we help you?

No, I'm not gonna land.

Undercarriage is gone.

Inner port's on fire.

The plane's gonna crash, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Could you take a telegram?

Yes, we can hear you.

It's to my mother.

I don't know where she is.

You'll have to find her.

Tell her I love her very much, and I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot.

By the way, what's your name?

Message received.

Are you wounded?

Repeat.

Are you wounded?

Are you bailing out?

What's your name?

Antigone.

Yes, Antigone.

I'm bailing out.

I'm bailing out, but there's a catch.

I've got no parachute.

No parachute?

Then what are you going to do?

That's quite simple.

We've had it, and I'd rather jump than fly.

After the first thousand feet, what's the difference?

I shan't know anything anyway.

I hope I haven't frightened you.

Your co-pilot.

You said he was dead.

Hasn't he got a chute?

Cut to ribbons, burnt to ashes.

But I'm glad you brought him up.

I'm taking Brett with me.

But you can't do that.

You have to leave him behind.

No chance, Antigone.

I didn't really know him, but he's a friend.

The best friend I ever ever had.

And he should have a decent burial.

Probably at sea.

So will I, come to think of it.

He'll get there a little faster, that's all.

We can help you, Chapman.

Let me report it.

No, let me do this in my own way.

You see, I want to be alone with you, Antigone.

Can you hear me as well as I hear you?

Yes.

You've got a good voice.

I loved you from the first syllable.

You've got guts, too.

Chapman.

I love you, Antigone.

You're life, and I'm leaving you.

Oh, this is such nonsense.

No, it's not.

It's the best sense I ever heard.

No one knew the answer to this silly old world, and I found it in your voice.

It's funny.

I've known so many people in so many ways, but a woman I've never seen before and never shall see will hear my very last words.

That's fate, Antigone.

Fate that brought us together.

Fate that meant we...

Oh, sorry, Chairman.

What's that?

I said sorry.

Could we pick this up another day?

What?

It's the end of my shift.

I'm done for the evening.

We can carry on later if you like.

There is no later.

My plane's crashing.

It's terribly awkward, yes, but I don't want want to be late for my film.

My colleague can take your call.

But Antigone, I want you.

Write it all down and send it to me.

Okay, talk later.

Goodbye.

Antigone.

Antigone, are you there, please?

Antigone, are you there?

Are you there?

No, she isn't, so you can stop your ludicrous poetry.

What, Rudyard?

Pull yourself together.

I'm gonna die at any moment.

Yes, we're all impressed, but if you could hang on a second, we'll get you down.

I've got a manual here.

Rudyard.

Here we are.

So,

are you in the cockpit?

Rodiard!

It's a simple question.

Get her back, Rudyard, for Christ's sake, get her back.

I can handle this.

We're going to get you in the plane on the ground in the country on time.

No, Rudyard, please.

There's a control panel in front of you.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Rudyard, you're not helping.

Get Antigone back, please.

Your trouble is you want the world on your own terms.

Shut up, you absolute ass.

Now see what you've done.

I've dropped the manual.

Wait a second.

Is it down?

Yeah, that's it.

Antigone.

Antigone, where are you?

I need someone who understands.

Come back, please, please, Antigone.

Oh, God, Rodjard, shut up, can't you?

Just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Oh,

God, almighty.

Oh,

that really was a dream.

It's okay, Eric.

It's okay.

Wake up, Eric!

Time to shine!

Wake up, Eric!

Time to shine!

Rudyard Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale.

It used to be the only one.

It will be once again.

Wooden Overcoats by David K.

Barnes.

Season 4, Episode 10.

A Fun Farewell.

Eric was leaving the island.

This much was widely known.

The news had spread like dramatic jam.

And while many reacted with sorrow, or perhaps a stoic reserve, there was one man on Piffling who hadn't been so happy in years.

Now look here, what a wonderful day!

Yes, yes, that's right.

Frontier, fun of fun funerals.

We get the body in the coffin in the the ground on time, and if you want to shop around, you can't!

Yes, of course, Mrs.

Snolly Goster.

Let me check our diary.

George!

On it.

What do we do next week?

Any room?

No, it's looking quite tricky.

It's looking quite tricky, Mrs.

Snolly Goster.

Well, that's what happens when the competition's beaten.

These Johnny-come lately's may seem the ticket, but they can't top a family firm.

Okay, maybe he did for a while, but, you know, not anymore.

We could squeeze them in on Tuesday between the Bureau Guard brothers.

I thought they were sharing a funeral.

Why?

They died in the same gas explosion.

That kind of experience creates a bond.

Yeah, but they were blown across the island in opposite directions, so we thought we'd bury them where they fell.

The ones on the golf course, the others in the mill.

What's it doing in the mill?

Sticking halfway through the window.

Antigone's still deciding if he should be buried indoors or not.

Depends on the weather.

I like having options.

How's two o'clock on Tuesday for the funeral, Mr.

Snodigoster?

Delightful.

Looking forward to it.

It's good to be working, eh, Madeline?

Antigone, can you manage another on Tuesday?

Just about.

I'll start preparing it this evening.

What should I write at the cinema with your Arsie films?

I've seen it before.

It's the only kaiju film of the French new wave.

Godard versus Mega Godard.

Huh?

Because it gets a fight.

They exchange points of view, but I never liked popcorn movies.

Christ, would you look at this diary?

Yes!

We're backed up for a fortnight.

At this rate, we'll have to turn clients away.

Where will they go?

Back to us!

Exactly where we want them.

Once again, we've cornered the market, and that's the way it stays.

And thanks to Chapman's efforts over the last few years, funerals are very much in vogue.

Everybody wants one.

It'll take them weeks to remember they aren't any fun, and by then it'll be too late.

We've got them.

Except now, it's going to be different.

Yes, Rajad.

I mean, we won't be slipping back into our old ways.

Not unless the old ways are the best ways.

They're not.

I'm serious, Rajad.

Ah,

morning, new lot.

Yes, well.

Uh,

how is everyone?

Oh.

You know?

Doing

sort of fine.

Well put.

We're doing fine, Chapman.

Very fine, actually.

Oh, good.

In fact, we're doing very fine indeed.

To be blunt about it, right, Georgie?

To be blunt about it, yeah.

I see, yes.

I mean, one might even say, all things being considered, at the end of the day, taking it by and large, we...

won.

Hmm.

Well.

No, no, no, not well,

just.

yes.

I wouldn't go that far.

But it should.

I'd say it's more of a sort of a

draw.

How is it?

Antigone, remind me, what was that message you took down the other day?

With the greatest reluctance, we have no choice but to ask you to carry out the funeral of our late Aunt Emily.

Please collect her body before the cat eats it.

There you are.

What does that sound like to you?

Tragic.

No, it sounds like victory.

The end of this war of nerves.

Look, I'm glad business is booming for you.

You really mean that?

Yes.

I pull the other one.

You can't keep secrets from us, 00 chapman.

Honestly, I'm not.

I only came over to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

Gosh, I suppose it is.

Seems kind of final when you put it like that.

Yes.

So I thought I'd come round and.

well

say goodbye.

Leaving us so soon, are we?

Oh dear, how sad.

Never mind.

You must come again sometime.

Like in a hundred years.

Good off.

Couldn't resist.

Sorry.

Guys, don't make this more difficult than it needs to be.

Difficult, Chapman.

It's not difficult for me.

Is it difficult for you, Georgie?

Well, I mean.

No, it's not difficult for me either.

In fact, saying goodbye to you, Chapman, is the easiest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Goodbye, there.

Damn.

What is it?

I promised myself I'd save her this moment.

Then it came and went, and now it's gone.

Nothing left to look forward to.

There's still the sight of you actually leaving the island.

That should be worth a chuckle.

Don't we have anything nice to say to each other?

After all these years?

Not a single solitary civil word.

No.

Life's been awful since you moved here, and now I'm glad you're going.

Oh, come on, sir.

Eric's stuck his neck out for us often enough, hasn't he?

And a stopped clock has right twice a day.

A word to the wise.

If all your dreams come true, then it's silly to regret them.

Don't we have somewhere to be?

You've got an appointment with the mayor.

Yes, an appointment with the mayor.

Well, well, well, I am going back up in the world, eh, Chapman?

Maybe want you to throw out your piffling archive.

Do the whole community a favour.

Oi, enough of that.

Sticks and stones, Chapman.

Today I am impervious.

Georgie, come along, he's not worth it.

As for you, Chapman, best of luck.

Sure, you won't need it.

Yeah.

enjoy yourself.

Critchley.

Sorry, what?

I'm.

sorry about them.

I'm glad you dropped in.

We haven't always seen eye to eye, but...

So sorry, sorry.

Just then, she called me Critchley.

Yes, that is odd.

Unless.

Unless you are called Critchley, are you?

You don't have to answer that, but you could, if you are.

What's going on around here?

Nothing.

What are you hiding?

What are you hiding?

I'm not not hiding anything.

Yes, you are.

Bea Critchley.

I knew it.

You're lying to me.

Well, you're lying to us, though, aren't you?

Am I?

Are you?

Antigone, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about how your name's not Eric Chapman.

Yes, it is.

It's B.

Critchley.

No, it isn't.

So why is it written on your bracelet?

Tell me that.

Wait, you looked at my...

Why?

When?

You had no right to pry into my affairs.

I know that.

So why did you?

You were unconscious.

What?

No, no, no, no, no.

Look, you were in bed, convalescing, and the doctor gave you some tablets, and then you got drowsy, and then...

And then...

Madeline put me up to it.

Yes, I will bring you into this, actually.

I don't care who put who up to what.

It doesn't concern you.

None of it does.

So, why do you keep going on about it?

Always alluding to a mysterious past a long time ago, your eyes going misty, and then, when anybody takes the bait, you go ballistic and storm out.

What?

No, I don't!

I'm going!

No, Chaman, not like this.

Come back!

Enjoy yourself, Antigua!

And as for that walking nightmare you call a brother, may he rest in peace!

By which I mean drop dead!

Strong words there, I'm sure you'll agree.

Luckily, I wasn't around to hear them because I'd accompanied Rudyard and Georgie to the village hall.

Having made the journey on many occasions in the past, I rarely have much to say about it.

But as soon as I set Paul inside the reception area, I knew already that things were different.

Marjorie?

Hello, good morning.

I won't keep you waiting long.

But what on earth are you doing here?

Sir, do I bother you when you're writing an email?

I've never written one.

Well then, I won't keep you waiting long.

Charger, what's she doing here?

The morning shift will take over in a few minutes.

Are you joking?

She ought to be locked up again.

I'm run off my feet as it is, and I'm only here part-time.

The mayor was so impressed with the tax returns you did for us that you offered her a chance to come back on staff.

And I assume her new contract has a clause about not killing anybody.

Well,

best endeavors.

Which you can't legally enforce, but nothing's perfect in this old world, eh?

And done.

We're trading good with Luxembourg.

They can't get enough of Bellows Farm Honey, and we're receiving telecommunications equipment in return.

That ought to get us out of the Reverend's bathroom.

Wow.

You're correct to be impressed.

No, I mean, the internet's been rubbish all week.

How'd you get it working again?

I switched it on.

Oh.

The one thing I overlooked.

Watch out, George.

She'll be after your job.

Jesus Christ.

What can I do for you, sir?

I have an appointment with the mayor.

Let me see.

Ah, yes.

Twelve o'clock.

Rudyard Funt.

Rudyard Fund.

Are you sure I've got Funt written here?

Well, if you exchange one of those letters for another, you'll get it right.

Okay.

You've changed the wrong letter, and you know it.

I think you'll find it's accurate.

If you'd care to be seated, his worship's meeting should be over shortly.

Thank you for seeing us, Miss Ada Inca.

Not at all, Mr.

Mayor.

Oh, look, it's Chapman's friend.

Oh, look, it's Chapman's.

I was going going to say enemy, but irritant is close to the mark, isn't it?

Wait a minute.

I wouldn't bother, sir.

You've been called worse this morning.

Miss Adienka, did you have a satisfactory meeting?

Very satisfactory, Miss Smith.

Been a pleasure doing business with you.

Oh, wonderful.

We'll hear from you tomorrow, then.

You will indeed.

Yes, yes, most intriguing.

Can we go in, please?

It's a free island.

We'll shift starting in a bit.

See you later.

Oh, Miss Adiyanka, before you go, could you settle a point for us?

Yep.

What is it?

Does that look like fun or font?

Neither, to be honest.

In fact, it looks more like.

That's all right!

You can change it back.

Thank you.

In you go, Mr.

Funt.

Oh, Rudyard, my boy.

Come in, come in.

Afternoon, your worship.

Reverend.

How the devil are you, Rudyard?

Back in demand, I'm pleased to say.

Lots of booking.

Yes!

I've heard you're chock-op-lock.

Um, I assume I'll still be required going forward.

Eulogies, discussion panels?

You will, yes.

Usual rates.

Usual rates?

Oh, I see.

Still a job to job.

We've been having a most interesting conversation with Zoe Adainka.

Though, naturally, I can't tell you what it was about.

Why not?

Because it mostly went over our heads, didn't it, Nigel?

Straight over them.

She's so enigmatic.

But she's going to tell us again at the event tomorrow, so hopefully we'll get the gist the second time round.

Event?

What event will this be?

Uh, that's precisely why we wanted to see you.

Uh Nigel, would you shut the door?

Of course.

We don't want this to get out too soon.

Natyard, how long have you been with us on Piffling?

All my life.

All your life?

That's what I call loyalty.

Have a cigar.

Oh, thank you.

What do I do with it?

We haven't a clue, really.

We hoped you might.

Not me.

Well, that's another unsolved mystery, I suppose.

Let's wave them around and feel successful.

Yes, let's.

You see, Radjard, Eric Chapman is leaving our community, and you must feel his loss as keenly as we do.

I don't have to answer that, do I?

It wasn't a question.

Oh, good.

Eric's had an enormous influence upon our village and this island, and we'll be sorry to see him go, but we must hold our heads high and carry on regardless.

Great idea.

I'll start doing that immediately.

Which brings us to the matter

of the village council.

Yes, Eric's departure means there's a vacancy for the position of vice-chairman.

It must be filled, Ruthyard.

You

want me to.

Oh,

no.

The position of Vice Chairman will go to Nigel.

Oh.

Congratulations, Reverend.

Vice Chairman, Reverend.

Vice Chairman, Reverend.

Yes, well.

Will that be all?

Hold hard, Ruddyard.

There's more to come.

We've been highly impressed with the work you've carried out for our archive.

It may be rather dull, but you've committed to it.

And then there's that nautical parade we all enjoyed.

A ripping good laugh for all concerned.

Yes, I'm still traumatized from it, but do go on.

With all that in mind, and the situation being as it is,

we would like you, Radyard, if you're willing to accept, to resume your place on our council.

Local events effective immediately.

Or, to put it simply, welcome back, Radyard.

Well,

thank you.

You accept?

Of course, your worship.

I'm always willing to do my bit.

Capital!

I knew we had the right man.

Oh, that's a relief, because we need an event cooked up for tomorrow.

Quick shove!

A celebration of a sort.

To mark my reinstatement?

Oh, you shouldn't bother.

And we won't.

It's for another purpose, entirely.

I see.

So what am I doing then?

Well,

we can't let Eric Chapman go without showing him our appreciation, can we?

That wouldn't do at all.

Which means your first duty, counsellor,

is to organize Eric Chapman's leaving party.

What?

A surprise party.

Something bright and cheerful, so he knows he'll be missed.

To say how grateful we are for all he's done for us.

It shouldn't be too hard, eh?

Uh

Rudyard, you seem to be holding your head in your hands.

Glad to have you on the team, Rudyard.

Oh, and one last point.

Don't forget the Bombay mix.

I left Rudyard to his new duties because I didn't want to see him cry.

Instead, I went in search of Eric.

He'd gone for a wander of the island and was approaching the Piffling Circus.

It was in the process of being dismantled.

Eric wasn't the only one preparing for a journey.

Acrobats, be ready!

Clowns, take the strain!

I want that king pole to come down so gently that his impact wouldn't rip out the skin on a casket!

Look at this custom!

What did I say?

Kyoka!

Hey, clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Marlena Magdalena, how goes it?

Ah, Chuckman.

I thought you had already gone.

Not quite.

Having a last shifty around the place.

Excuse me.

Matilda!

Where do you think you're going?

You clock off in 20 minutes, not before.

Don't you speak to me like that?

Your contract is a poor renewal, Matilda, and you are on thin ice.

Should I come back later?

You can eat, if that's what you're asking.

No, I meant...

Come on, come on!

Get that canvas on the wagons!

We go up in Little Piffling at at quarter past eight!

But if we don't, then it's coming out of your salaries!

How many tickets are we sold?

None!

Get back to work!

Oh,

what a day!

What a day!

Cigarette?

Not for me.

Oh, strawberry.

Tar.

So, we're all moving on again.

It was opposite.

I could feel it in the air and in my bones.

To ramble and roam.

It is our destiny.

The Arts Council threatened to pull their funding again.

Yes.

I suppose a traveling circus needs to travel.

Bah!

They should not apply the term so literally.

The audience, they are transported.

They lose themselves and emerge, reborn.

Look at our reviews.

The seats are too hard.

Three stars.

Not that one.

The seats aren't hard enough.

Three stars.

That's enough.

How can I make art for savages?

You can't please all the people all the time.

I've tried.

So, a summer season at Little Piffling, is it?

And then we will return

back to where you started.

Around and around we go.

When does it stop?

God only knows, but at least we learn a little more along the way.

Where shall I put the unicycle?

Leave it there, my darling.

We'll ride it together.

Wait, was that Vivian?

Hmm.

The infamous Lady Templar ran away and joined the circus.

You should see her on the flying trapeze.

Right.

Limey.

How's her husband taking it?

Simon doesn't mind.

I'm told the man is a saint.

As for you, Chuckman, where does your future lie?

I can't stay here.

Then again, I can't really go back.

I resign from the service.

They might have a job going.

I don't want it.

So what do you want?

To go home.

And where is home, chapman?

I was getting too big for my boots here.

Lost sight of what I was doing.

A man doesn't need his own monorail, after all.

So I tried downsizing the business, but by then it was too late.

I've been putting the fun in funerals, but I.

I can't remember why it mattered.

Yes, you can.

You like other people.

And other people are.

No.

I wish it were that simple.

Your lion's escaped from its cage.

Yep, she'll do that.

We should get back to work.

Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away.

Thanks for the lollipop.

Happy touring.

Break a leg.

Before you go, Chapman, life is short.

Do not waste it it trying to decide what role you're meant to be playing

just

get on with the show

well

enjoy yourself

well Eric, you're only delaying the inevitable.

Has to slip away quietly.

Hello, Mr.

Chapman.

Oh, Miss Scruple.

I'm glad to see you again before I go.

So am I, Mr.

Chapman.

I had two quick things I wanted to say to you.

Oh?

Firstly,

you've done a lot of good for Pifflin Vale and I wanted to tell you, personally,

how grateful I am.

This place won't be the same without you, and that's a fact.

Oh, thank you.

That means a lot, Miss Scruple.

And what was the second thing?

I'm sorry about the chloroform.

What chloroform?

That chloroform, Mr.

Chapman.

I wouldn't normally do it, you understand.

But someone asked me very nicely.

Gasp!

As Miss Scruple threw the unconscious Eric across her shoulder, I was in two minds.

Should I follow her as she carried Eric back to her mysterious employer and thereby discover what lay behind this startling turn of events?

Or should I go to the hall and watch Ruddyard do some admin?

Obviously, I did the former and not Barmy.

But for those who get a kick out of administration, here's what Rudyard was up to that afternoon.

Come in, Georgie!

Hey, sir.

Where's the man?

Went to buy a new shirt.

Why?

He lit a cigar and set his cuffs on fire.

Huh.

Are you getting on with the party?

Oh, it's not too complicated when you get down to it.

Much easier than a fate, I'll say that much.

And if you get it wrong, hey, turn the Eric.

That certainly helps.

I've booked a room and some furniture and an orchestra.

I'd say I'm nearly done.

What about food and drink?

Won't go on that long, will it?

Pifflin likes a party.

Oh, fine, fine, whatever you say.

And don't forget the Pompeii Mex.

There!

Requisition whatever you can.

You mean go to the shops?

If you believe that's more effective, I'll leave it up to you.

Oh, and you can't forget the banner.

Every party needs a really big banner.

A statement of intent.

Exactly.

Way ahead of you there, Georgie.

I've written it down.

Bye-bye, Chapman.

What do you think?

Um, three exclamation marks is a bit much.

You should have seen how many there were before.

I also tried so long and good riddance.

It's been a lot of fun.

I reckon they'll want a more sincere message.

I am am sincere.

I mean, upliftingly sincere.

Like,

we'll miss you, Eric.

Over my dead body.

No, don't add that bit.

Leave it implicit.

That could work.

Subverts the apparent meaning of the message for those clever enough to get it.

Which is us.

Alright, Georgia, you've won me around.

We'll miss you, Chapman, it is.

But you can order it for me.

Done.

You know what?

We probably will miss Eric in some ways.

What?

We'll miss him once he's gone.

Why are you picking up the phone?

Now, look here.

Is that Dr.

Edgware?

Could you come to the hall, please?

My assistant has gone mad.

Give me that.

Come quickly!

I'm in danger!

I'm not loopy, relax.

What I meant about Eric was like,

what were we doing before he came here?

Succeeding.

Well, yeah, aside from that.

There is nothing else.

You've lost me already.

It was a bit boring, though.

Same stuff day in, day out, starting violent arguments at funerals.

Then Eric gave us something real to fight against.

Part of me is glad he did.

The man threatened our livelihoods.

He did.

And it was proper awful, but we pulled together like we hadn't done before.

You and Antigone were just people I worked for, but now,

after all we've been through,

you're my mates.

And that's brilliant.

Oh, thank you, Georgie.

And for my part, you are, I may say,

a model employee.

And.

And a mate.

Yes, all right.

Jesus Rudiada.

Now, look here, you run along with that requisition order.

Don't forget, we've got an event to organise.

Aye, aye, sir.

I hope Chapman appreciates all we're doing for him.

But Eric Chapman wasn't in a fit state to appreciate anything at that moment.

Where am I?

In the village.

What do you want?

Information.

Whose side are you on?

That would be telling.

You want information.

Information.

Information.

Nigel.

Nigel, is that you?

By hook or by Crook, it isn't me.

Yes, it is.

Nigel, what's going on here?

Oh, Corks, I think he's rumbled us.

You said you could do voices.

I can.

I should have gone with Edith Evans.

No one's ever heard of her.

Book and bird.

Stop it.

Antigone, you're behind this.

I'm sorry, Chapman.

I wanted to ask you some questions and I had no idea the best way to go about it.

You could have phoned.

We did part ways on a sour note.

You thought this was any better?

I've been chloroformed and kidnapped, and why is the Reverend here?

It's his shed.

His shed?

Will you be needing me anymore?

Only I thought I'd take the lawn mirror and cut the grass while it's still light.

Yes, go ahead.

Great.

Excuse me, Chapman.

Yes, sure.

Oh, the cable's stuck.

You're standing on it.

Oh, yes.

Ha ha, there we are.

Have a nice chat.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry about Miss Scruple.

I only asked if she could bring you here, but she does like a bit of cloak and dagger, and she's a lore unto herself.

Antigone, what do you want?

And the answer answer to that question had better not involve anything to do with my background, my past, or my personal life.

Ah, well, um.

Oh, I don't believe it.

I'm aware I've no right to ask you.

So, why do it then?

I've been on edge ever since.

What?

Sake!

I said you've been on edge ever since Zoe came to the island.

You were terrified about secrets that nobody cared about.

And then, just when it seems everything's fine, you turn around and say you're leaving us forever.

What's it all about, Eric?

Eric.

I mean, Chapman.

You've got a pretty extraordinary length to find out.

Yes, I have.

So, in a way, I deserve some answers.

No, you don't.

You had me kidnapped.

That is a crime.

Then have me arrested.

I don't care about where you came from or what you did there.

What I do care about is what it's doing to you now.

And if our positions were reversed, and I was acting as you were, I think you'd do the same for me.

Oh, yeah.

How do you work that one out?

When I thought I'd kill Timarlo with one of my own chocolates, who was it that leapt into action to save me from the law?

Who was it that tried so hard to help me when I was up to my neck in dead clowns?

Who's been there to talk me through the most mortifying experiences like a naked calendar or my dinner tape with the doctor?

Or that terrible play we did together.

It was not a terrible play.

You were too dim to understand it.

So boring.

Stop it.

I'm right.

You're wrong.

The point is,

and the fact remains that even when we're on opposite sides, you've looked out for me when you could.

But I want to do the same for you now.

Plus, you did promise.

Remember?

When you broke our window, which you still haven't replaced, by the way.

Richard broke my ribs.

I've been busy.

Fine.

I'll tell you.

What have I got to lose?

Brett Critchley was a friend

and the reason I resigned.

Who was he?

A pilot.

My co-pilot, in fact.

Just the ones.

He wasn't even in the service.

I only met him the day before the mission.

Within twenty-four hours, he was dead.

The specifics of the mission are classified, and I'd rather not recall them anyway.

Suffice to say that I needed to get somewhere, do something, and get out again before I got killed.

I wanted to go alone, but they insisted it was too big a risk, and then they seconded a junior officer who'd still been in training the year before.

I wasn't happy, and I told him so.

He said his name was Brett, and he didn't care what I thought.

Nobody'd ever said that to me before.

It hurt a bit.

So we thrashed it out over a game of mousetrap right there in the foyer.

Standard procedure for these kinds of arguments.

By the end of it, we were firm friends.

And he got the diver straight in the washtub on the first attempt.

Oh,

well played.

See you on the airstrip tomorrow, then.

I felt confident I could put my life in his hands.

And we rendezvoused at four the following morning.

It was a long flight, and we got to chatting.

I don't like doing that during an operation.

It's usually awkward, like when the barber talks to you during a haircut.

He was the sort of person you feel you've known all your life.

He's young and ambitious, with proud parents and a fella back home waiting for him.

We joked about training school and

then he said

he said that

I actually

can't remember what he said.

We were talking and getting on, but

none of it stayed with me at all.

I was the last person to see him alive.

I didn't even have the decency to pay attention.

What happened?

We crashed.

It wasn't the enemy that got us.

We were prepared for that.

We tested evasive maneuvers and Brett was excellent.

It was a...

It was a technical fault.

That's all.

I'd given that plane the once over myself before we took off.

There's a one in a million chance.

A technical fault, but

I knew it was mine.

Who else was I going to blame for?

Then a panel exploded.

Electrical fire, shattered glass, burst a flame.

He caught the worst of it.

I thought he was dead then, but I couldn't swear to it.

I honestly didn't know.

The plane was still crashing and we had to eject.

The force of that can break your spine.

It can tear your limbs out from the air pressure.

It can kill you as short as crashing.

But I pulled the control and we both...

My parachute deployed.

I didn't see his.

And at that point, tumbling through the air, passing out...

I lost him.

I woke up on a beach.

Sun,

gulls,

trees,

paradise,

like another world,

and I was alone

completely

alone.

I searched that beach for days.

I found the plane wreckage, but I didn't find Brett.

I couldn't.

He was gone.

No parachute, no body.

Gone.

It was just me and the sand

and the ocean.

I reached neutral territory and sent back an alert to base.

They pulled some strings to reclaim what they could of the wreckage, but as for Brett,

nothing.

I'm sorry, Eric.

It's alright.

It isn't, though.

No.

I couldn't face anyone after that.

I felt

ashamed, really, for leaving him behind.

You couldn't find him?

I should have found him.

I still think that.

You can say what you like, everyone else has, and you might even be right, but I'll still feel it.

Because I lost him.

He deserved a proper burial.

And he didn't get one.

I was even too ashamed to attend the memorial service.

You resigned?

I'd seen death before.

Not often, but you do.

Usually the only shred of comfort is that there's a body left behind so you can

grieve.

Yeah.

So he kept the bracelet instead.

Standard issue disc for identification in the event of

accidents.

It's not the original, of course, that disappeared with him, but they made a copy to give to his family, and I...

I asked for another to wear on my wrist next to my watch.

Why?

So when I'm at work and I check the time,

there he is.

And I remember what I'm doing this all for.

You've been carrying his name around all these years.

Not healthy, I know.

Zoe's given me that lecture often enough.

I'm not going to do that, but.

But?

Funeral directing as an act of penitence?

I doubt that's sustainable for the psyche

or the soul.

I mean, it's not just about that.

I'm also really good at it.

Yes, we had noticed.

I wanted to get away from it all and do something useful.

I resolved that, so long as I could help it, nobody would ever go without a decent funeral again.

So, why leave us now?

Because,

actually,

I think I've been getting it wrong.

The truth is, Antigone, I'm not wholly sure how grief is meant to work.

Perhaps you don't know how to let go.

Let go of what?

Anything.

Everything.

We're both like that in a way.

Frightened of opening ourselves up to other people.

It's not so difficult with you.

Really?

Really?

Antigone?

Eric?

I

oh, I wish we could have

gone out for coffee or something,

the two of us

together.

Ah,

I see.

You know, there was a time when I'd done anything to you.

What?

For you.

But

time

has flowed by.

We're not the same as we once were.

It's rather too late.

Wouldn't you say,

Eric?

Hands in the air!

What the hell?

Antigone fun, stay still.

Don't move.

What's happening?

In the name of Her Majesty's government, I demand you release your hostage immediately.

We have you completely surrounded.

You mean Nigel's having a cup of tea in the garden?

Hello!

Okay, yes.

And mine's going cold.

So let's get this over with.

I've got an elastic band, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Hand Eric over, and nobody gets hurt.

This is all a mistake, really.

No sudden moves.

This band could take someone's eye out, so watch yourself.

Oh, crap.

Sorry, are you alright?

No, that really hurts.

Well, you shouldn't leave him lying around your home, then, should you?

Please, Eric isn't a hostage.

I admit he was kidnapped, but I've already apologised for that, and he's free to leave the shed whenever he wants.

It's true, Zoe.

You can put the other band down.

Only if you're sure.

No!

Oh, crap!

Crap!

Crap!

Sorry, okay, I don't have any more.

Look.

Who knew these were so dangerous?

My face aches.

Well, let's get you back home for some rest, eh?

Aren't we supposed to be leaving?

Postpone till tomorrow.

I'll explain later.

Right.

Well, uh,

Antigone,

it'd be nice to see you again tomorrow before I push off.

You don't have to push off at all.

Like you said, I don't know how to let go.

I guess this is me trying to do it.

Enjoy yourself.

Be seeing you,

Chapman.

why must you always complicate things?

Hello there!

Oh, hello, Reverend.

I hope you had a pleasant night.

You don't mind if I pop my mower back, Antigone?

What's the matter?

Reverend, I'd like to ask your advice, if I may.

It's not theological, is it?

No.

Oh, thank God for that.

I'm still clapped out from mowing the lawn.

Well then,

what's what's on your mind?

Afternoon gave way to evening.

For Rudyard and Georgie, it had been a long and productive day of scheduling.

Though, as they left the hall together, it struck me that Georgie seemed out of sorts.

And remind me to have a word for the Pippling Philharmonic.

I'm not accepting any back chat from them.

I'm in paying their expenses.

They only live around the corner.

And if they want to eat, they can bring along a couple of jam sandwiches and count themselves lucky.

What if they don't turn up?

You'll have to whistle a few tunes.

Would you mind?

No.

Yeah.

I'm great at that.

Anything wrong?

No.

It won't come to whistling, I'm sure.

Though we should organise a rehearsal just in case.

Nah, it's not that.

Um.

I don't know.

Naked, probably.

Big day tomorrow.

You need rest.

It's a rare delight to see off one's nemesis forever.

We should be fully refreshed to appreciate it.

I wonder where he'll go.

The world's a big place.

Not big enough for my liking.

Maybe we could sponsor Chapman to go into outer space and stay there.

Yeah, I guess.

I wanted to see the world once.

Well,

you will one day.

The world's not going anywhere.

And when you are ready, it'll be lucky to have you.

Maybe.

Gotcha.

Antigone, what are you up to?

I warn you, all told I've had a pretty good day, so try not to spoil it.

I'm sorry, but I must.

There's something we have to discuss together, and you won't like it, but it's important.

Can't it wait?

I want to go to bed.

The sun's still up.

If I can fall asleep before it sets, that's another win for me.

It means I did everything I needed to before the day was up.

The most satisfying feeling there is.

That actually makes a bit of sense.

Be that as it may, I do need to talk to you.

Oh, as you will.

Night, Georgie.

See you tomorrow.

See you.

Yeah, I'll take it easy.

Won't muddle him.

Try not to overreact, but I wanted to arrange something for Chapman.

That's what I've been doing all day.

Look at this banner, for heaven's sake.

Good written.

I still say that's the best one.

Georgie was glad to get home after another tiring day in the office, and she could always count on a warm welcome.

Georgie gazed around her home and smiled.

Ever since Jennifer de la Croix had moved in, the living room had become an obstacle course of boxes and suitcases.

She'd been too busy with work to unpack.

But Georgie didn't mind.

The place was a mess, but it was theirs.

Jen?

Come back.

Was I all right?

Did we get what we needed?

Ah, you smashed it, your worship.

A natural, as always.

I must say, I prefer this new studio to your last one.

Much roomier.

A better style of kitchen all round.

Hey, me, lad.

What are you doing around these parts?

Oh, sorry to impose.

Seeing as how Piffling FM is doing so well, I thought I'd record a plug for Eric's surprise party tomorrow to make sure everybody comes along.

Glad to be of service for a worthy cause.

Oh, though, I hope Eric doesn't hear it.

That would spoil the surprise.

I know.

I'll go and see him now and tell him not to listen to it.

Great idea, Mr.

Bear.

Till later, Jennifer, Georgie, goodbye, Timmy!

Oh, um, will there be karaoke at the party?

I doubt Rudyard's plan for it.

No.

Oh, well, if we simply start doing it, he can't stop us, can he?

Turlo!

Oh, sorry about this.

It never stops.

You must be doing it right, then.

I'm proud of you.

Hey, I'm taking Pifflin F.M.

off the air early tonight.

Shall we take Timmy out for an evening walk together?

We could swing by that restaurant we went to in Little Piffling.

If they don't recognise us, they might even let us in.

Bit tired, really.

Can't take a quiet one.

Okay,

we could unpack some of my stuff.

I've been putting it off for weeks.

No.

Not tonight.

What's up?

Nothing.

Come on.

We both know the thing you're not great at, don't we?

Lying.

Mmm, you're rubbish at it, aren't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what's up?

Oh yeah.

I really miss Nana, suddenly.

Tell me.

It hit me again today.

You think you're over it, then it's like someone taps you on the shoulder and says, Don't be stupid, of course you're not here.

Have some memories.

And you're straight back where you started,

feeling empty.

I'll be with it in an hour or so.

You don't have to be.

We can do whatever you like.

What made you think of her?

Eric did.

Do I need to go around and break some loans?

Nah,

not his fault.

But

I was wondering about where he's going and what he might do, and

I could see Nana again.

We didn't plan to live here.

Glad you did, though.

So am I.

But we did have some plans.

Places we'd go, stuff we'd do.

And then this evening, Rudyard said, the world isn't going anywhere.

You know, Nana said that to me once

when she knew she couldn't go any further.

what if that's me one day?

Telling myself the world's not going anywhere because deep down I know I've missed my chance to see it.

We could go somewhere.

Yeah.

For how long?

As long as you like.

What about Pifflin FM?

We'll go international.

I'll be a roving reporter.

It's a nice idea.

Just not like the council needs me anymore.

Marjorie's itching to take over again.

We do remember she's a multiple murderer, right?

Yeah, but she's really good at filing.

But then there's Rudyard and Antigone.

They do need me.

Eric's gone and they're up to their eyes in funerals.

And if Eric were staying, they'd need you to defeat him.

Either way, well, the world ain't going anywhere.

But they're like family.

I can't let them down.

The thing about family is you're always there for them.

The other thing about family is they always understand,

if they're a good one.

They're the best.

Amy, it's only the phone.

I'll have to pick it up.

No.

Georgie and Jennifer's Wonder Palace, how can we save your day?

Oh.

Hey, I'm taking it.

getting late, mate.

Wait, what's Rodjard done now?

Oh,

well, in that case, why?

Eh?

You want to do what?

Rodjard won't agree to that.

Really?

What's happening?

Antigone, wait a sec.

This is sort of unprecedented, like mega unprecedented.

Oh,

I'll pop the kettle on then.

I love you.

Antigone, okay, explain it all to me again, from the beginning.

A new dawn rose above the island, the last that Eric would ever see on Piffling.

Devoid of its owner's animating spark, Chapman's funeral home felt empty and forlorn, as if in sympathy with Eric himself.

But he was still there, waiting, and finding solace at the bottom of a glass.

Eric.

Yeah?

You haven't spoken for an hour.

You've just been sitting there in the dark, eating ice cream.

At 10 in the morning.

Any time is ice cream time.

It's your last day in the village that's been your home for years.

Are you really going to spend it on dessert?

It's not a dessert.

It's a drink.

The ice cream sunny day.

Lots of ice cream, lots of juice, but the crucial ingredient is a rare Japanese delicacy.

Sato nashiki cherries.

And a lot of alcohol.

Oh, that hit the spot.

I'm gonna make a fifth.

I think you've had enough ice cream.

I'll tell you when I've had enough ice cream.

We need you in a fit state for this afternoon.

I mean for a surprise party in my honour.

I'd rather skip it, thanks all the same.

How'd you hear about that?

Because last night the mayor came over and said, if there was a party tomorrow, would you be available?

And I said, yes, why?

And then he tapped his nose and said, it's a surprise.

Okay.

You don't have to be a spy to work that out.

But do look surprised at the party, or you'll upset a lot of people.

Told you already I'm not going.

Oh, Eric, what is up with you today?

I don't want to leave.

Then stay.

I don't want to stay.

Then leave.

I don't want to leave.

So what what the hell do you want, then?

I want another ice cream.

Look, I want to take you back.

You're one of the best agents we ever had, and you'd like what I'm doing now.

Things have changed, and far more than you know.

I doubt that, Zoe.

But I've been doing lots of poking around while I've been here.

Enough to learn that you're a very popular man who's done a hell of a lot for the people around here.

Zoe, what's your point?

Why would you want to leave?

That's my point.

Because I don't have any friends.

What do you mean?

I don't have any friends.

I'm a popular man, but I don't have any friends.

I spend Christmas alone because I don't have any friends.

They all assume I'm okay because I want them to think that.

Because how embarrassing is it not to have any friends?

Easy now.

I've been here for years, and not for a moment have I ever let my guard down long enough to tell them who I am, what I want, or how I feel.

I've put the fun in funerals, brought joy in the darkest hours, but when people are upset, when people are grieving, I don't know what to do.

A man has to stare me right in the eye and say, Of course I'm devastated.

It's a funeral.

Because when all said and done, I am a charade of a sham, of a con, of a joke, of a travesty of a human being.

And the only one who seems to know is that weird little man across the street who'd happily see me dead.

And then he'd do my funeral, and he'd probably get it wrong on purpose.

I should have let you have more ice cream.

Well, I did tell you.

Eric, when I get on that helicopter at the end of the day, are you going to be in it with me?

Yes.

And can you live with that decision?

Yes.

I wish.

I just wish that I.

We're closed.

Open up, Captain.

Rudyard, give me one reason why I should.

It wouldn't do to ignore me.

I can be very annoying if I want to be.

Oh, open the door, Eric.

Won't do any harm.

You're a state, aren't you?

Gee, thanks, Bridget.

In fact, I'm glad you came by.

Because at last, after all these years, I'm going to tell you to your face that you are an absolute wax.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

There'll be time for that later.

Come along, or you'll be late.

Late?

Late for what?

For the funeral, of course.

Well, put a tie on.

We must make an effort, mustn't we?

The funeral, Zoe?

I don't know.

Why don't you find out?

It was a warm day, warm and bright.

Ruddiard led Eric, his rival, competitor and neighbor, to the churchyard.

where they walked across the grass beside the lake that Eric found.

And they came to a small patch of earth, where,

stood waiting for them, were a man,

two women, and a mouse.

Hello, Eric.

Awfully glad you could join us.

Nigel,

what's this about?

Georgie?

Madeline?

Hey, Eric.

Antigone.

I hope you didn't mind this.

After we spoke, I wanted to help, and then, between all of us, we had an idea.

If this is a funeral, then where's the body?

Oh, God.

It's me, isn't it?

What?

I knew I'd walk into a trap one of these days.

Fair play, Rudyard.

You did what the Russians never could.

It's not a trap.

Rudyard.

All right.

It is a funeral service, Chapman.

But it's not yours.

It's for your friend, Mr.

Critchley.

For Brett.

There is one thing and one thing only that you and I agree on, Chapman.

Everyone deserves a decent funeral.

With your blessing, we'd like to carry one out.

You want to do Brett's funeral?

Only if you're on board with it, though.

Well,

yes, but well,

why?

I know what it's like to carry that burden on your shoulders.

You can't make it go away, but

when you're with friends, it's not so bad.

Thank you.

I was giving some thought as to the burial, and uh, my grandfather was in the Royal Navy, died on active service.

He left behind all sorts of mementos and knick-knacks, but um

maybe this cigarette tin could suffice for our needs.

We could lay Brett's ID disc inside it,

keep it protected.

Can't ask you to part with that.

Ah, well,

we all have to let these things go eventually, don't we?

That's a good idea, Nigel.

Thanks.

Better

better take the whole bracelet.

Are you sure?

Yes.

I won't need it to tell me who I am.

Not any more.

Shall we?

We are gathered here today

to mourn the loss of our friend, Brett Critchley.

Loving son, cherished husband,

and beloved friend, whose short life yet boundless spirit has touched and inspired us all.

The six of us stood beside the grave, heads bowed, to commemorate a man that few of us had met, but whose passing had nonetheless brought us together.

There had been no body and no coffin,

and it could be scarcely said to have happened on time.

But I felt very proud of the funds that day.

And

as I dabbed away the tears from my whiskers and looked across at Eric,

I saw that

in that moment

he was finally

at peace.

Goodbye, Brett.

See you again someday.

Thank you, everyone.

I, uh,

well, I

it's okay, mate.

We get you

Shall we go?

Yeah,

you didn't hear it from me, but it's a party with your name on it.

Only if you want to.

Oh,

why not?

Might be nice to enjoy myself.

The mayor's plug on Piffling FM had done the trick and everyone in the village had turned out to bid Eric Chapman a great big boozy farewell.

Eric boy, give us a smile.

Turn the camera around, Sid.

Why?

Oh!

Somebody get him some peanuts, for God's sake.

Mr.

Chapman, hello, this is Jennifer Delacroix.

Pipling FM!

Do you have any words to say to the fine folks of Pipling before you set sail for Pastor's Hill?

Well, Jennifer, I can honestly say it's with a heavy heart.

Oh, you don't want to listen to that guff.

Why didn't I tell you all about spies?

Wow, that sounds much better.

Zoe, you signed the Official Secrets Act.

I used invisible ink.

They can't prove a thing.

Come on, Jen.

Let me tell you how many ministers are secretly working for the Kremlin.

Is it me?

Well, I guess it is in the public interest.

Hello, Japan.

None!

Oh, Antigone.

Once more, for old times' sake.

It's the mini heart attacks I'll miss most about living here.

How are you holding up after this memory?

It'll take a while, but I feel more like myself than I have done in ages.

And I've you to thank for it.

Have you?

The funeral must have been your idea.

Yes, but I thought I was crossing the line.

I would have talked myself out of it if it hadn't been for Rudyard.

Rudyard, really?

He meant what he said about funerals.

My brother and I have looked at death our whole lives.

You don't stay in a profession like ours unless you really care about it.

Then I'm going to do something that seemed impossible.

What's that?

Go up to your brother and say thank you.

Wish me luck.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Anti-Anti.

There you are.

Listen, listen.

I've an idea for a new book we should write together openly.

A molten and a vicar team up to solve crimes.

Yes, tell me more.

Let's go somewhere like this bright.

Audrey, I gave you explicit instructions for the drinks.

I said one glass of shandy per guest.

And that's a limit.

Sorry, sir, but a good party, like a good funeral, follows one basic rule.

And that is?

Give the people what they want.

Wee!

The bounce you castle!

I didn't order one of those.

Oh no.

Out of the way, Mr.

Mayor.

I can bounce higher than you can!

If you break your neck, that's your lookout.

Oh, well, Rudyard, you did what you could.

Ah, Chapman.

I trust the event is to your satisfaction.

You'll notice that the banner is both sincere and uplifting.

I'm surprised you didn't go for piss off Chapman and never come back.

We do have that one if you'd prefer it.

Yeah, you're all right.

Rudyard, I wanted to say

thank you for the service.

Well,

that's what we're here for.

No, really.

After all that's happened between us, you went out of your way to help me.

I appreciate it.

Yes, we will.

Antigone explained it all to me.

What you'd been through and so on.

I didn't envy you living with that.

And while I remain ecstatic that you're you're leaving us, let's be clear on that.

Of course.

I hope that what we've been able to do today has

helped you in some way.

You're not always such a bad fellow.

When you try, that is.

Would I be pushing my luck if I asked for a hug?

Without question, yes, fair.

But I suppose we can shake hands, if that would be a consolation.

It would.

Very well.

Thank you, Rogiard.

No problem.

You didn't like saying that, did you?

No, I wouldn't.

You won't have to again.

I won't.

No.

That's okay.

Yep, good.

I say hello, hello, everyone.

Hello, hello.

If I can have your attention for a moment.

Thank you.

Eric's friend and former colleague Zoe would like to say a few words in honour of the occasion.

Oh, ah, there you are.

Keep it cheerful.

Ta, Reverend.

First of all, let's give it up for Eric Chapman.

Woo!

Me and Eric go way, way back.

The man is a diamond, but from me to you, thanks for keeping him so we didn't have to.

You know what I'm saying?

Second, you've probably seen me creeping about for the last few weeks and you may have been wondering why.

Fact is, I share two important things with Eric.

I used to be a spy

and I'm not anymore.

However, I do still work for the government and the job I've got is so much more fulfilling than the one I had.

You see,

I'm from the census, the Department of Administrative Affairs.

And it's my job to go go to a town and see if it should be a city.

Or to go to a village and see if it should be a town.

What?

Oh, my God.

You mean that's why you're here in Pifling Vale?

You get there eventually, Eric.

And.

And.

And.

And.

Oh, will we?

I have seen nearly every square inch of this village and the surrounding island.

I did want to take a day trip to the Pifling Canyon, but I waited two hours at the bus stop and none ever came, so maybe some other day.

But I've seen what Piffling Vale has to offer.

I've spoken to so many of you, and I've spent a highly absorbing day rooting through your new archive.

You liked the archive?

Expertly compiled.

If you want to understand a place, start with the plumbing and work your way up.

Yes, precisely.

I never doubted you for a moment.

Through all this, I've seen how your community has grown and grown.

I'm happy to say it shows no sign of stopping.

So, it's with the greatest pleasure and the power vested in me to announce that the village of Pifling Vale

is now

the town of Pifling Vale.

A town?

Yes!

We were in town!

Congratulations, Des.

Oh, Desi, come here, you wonderful man!

We did it!

We actually

did it!

We couldn't have got this far without you, Miss Crusoe.

And Rodyard, your archive, what a thundering success.

Oh, well,

give it up for Roger!

Thank you, thank you!

Let's force you to huge!

Big, huge, and massive congrats, Pippling Vale.

I've already been working with Marjorie here, so the forms are signed and it's all been sorted.

You are a town.

In fact, with the new opportunities this creates, I've been able to make one change already.

Tremendous news for Dr.

Edgware!

Oh, yes.

Another hospital, is it?

No, actually.

Another doctor.

Really?

Hello there.

I'm Dr.

Barnett.

Hi, Dee Barnett, but my friends call me Hi.

Oh, I'm so happy I could sleep.

Oh, this is all so marvellous, Roger.

Get the Philharmonic to play us some disco.

I need to boogie!

Fine.

James, right ahead?

Disco.

Hey, Carl, they want some disco!

And so the party began anew as the townspeople of Piffling Vale celebrated their success.

They laughed and danced throughout the evening and would continue long into the night, far beyond the end of this story, in fact.

But for Eric,

it was time to slip away.

Goodbye, Des.

Bye, Nigel.

Thanks for having me.

Don't be a stranger, Eric.

Visit us soon, won't you?

Our town is your town.

That reminds me.

I must ring my twin brother Desmond and tell him the news.

Enjoy yourselves, you two.

And you, Eric Ladder.

Godspeed, if he exists.

I say, Desmond.

Hello, Desmond.

It's me, Desmond.

Yes.

I've got terrific news.

Piffling Vale is a town.

A town, you say?

Yes.

And outside in the square, and the cool evening air, sat a brother and sister.

Together.

Well.

Well?

You did it.

Your archive clinched the deal.

We've taken Piffling Vale into a whole new era.

I suppose we might see a few improvements, yes.

The council might start replacing the dead fish in the aquarium.

We're a town now.

We need to raise our standards.

And does that include fun funerals?

Yes.

We've muddled through and found a way.

But we'd have found it much sooner if I'd listened to you.

Oh, I don't know.

I did once throw a funeral that cost £60,000

for a man who wasn't even dead.

So I convinced an old woman that we could conjure up the ghost of her brother

and then pretended to be him.

And you did get lost in the woods on a hiking funeral.

Well, you tore up our home to make coffins for clowns.

A seagull's corpse.

Mandelin's solo.

I'll park the car.

At the end of it all, though, we're still here.

Yes,

we won.

What's up?

What's next?

That's what I keep asking myself.

We carry on.

We get better.

There's a lot of new techniques I'm eager to learn.

We make a big difference to people's lives.

Except now it's a good difference, too.

No more angry mobs, you mean?

Well, we can whip one up if you miss them for special occasions.

But we should take a moment to appreciate what we've done.

Our work is important.

I take pride in it, and I always will.

But I admit, lately, what with the occasional lack of clients,

it has been pleasant to pursue other interests.

Having a horribly successful rival can have its upsides.

I know what you mean.

We don't live to work.

I like researching history.

I like writing porn.

I didn't hear that.

I said I like writing porn.

Jesus wept.

Still, there's no use sighing about it.

Chapman's going.

We're the only funeral home on the island, and that's a responsibility we can't ignore.

Nor will we.

And just because Chapman is hiding awkwardly behind that tree doesn't mean we should talk about him any differently.

No, it doesn't.

Hey?

Come out, Chapman!

Uh,

hello.

You seem to be having an important chat, and I didn't want to interrupt, so I hid awkwardly behind this tree.

How much did you hear?

Not much.

But I am going to miss you guys.

And we'll miss you.

Right, Bajak?

It will be

a different place without you.

I'll take that.

I slipped away from the party.

Best to go on a high note.

Always leave them wanting more.

What would you do?

I don't know.

Well,

if you ever need any help,

don't hesitate to ask.

No, do ring other people first.

But if you're really up against it,

you can call us.

If we're not busy.

Which we in all probability will be.

But you might strike back.

Exactly.

Might.

If you keep trying.

I'll bear it in mind.

And if I'm not mistaken, there's my new co-pilots come to take me away.

Eric!

If you finish boring the pants off, everyone, we've got a flight to catch.

So he's been showing us your helicopter.

Georgie made her show us your helicopter.

Fine, why not?

When I come back to visit, you can take her for a spin.

You better promise to do both those things.

I promise.

And until then, whatever you get up to, I want the exclusive deal.

You got it.

Keep Georgie out of trouble, won't you?

Me?

I'm not a miracle worker.

I'll see you inside.

Yep, might be a while.

Then I'll nab us a couple more pints.

Enjoy yourself.

Oh, I will.

Well,

uh,

I guess if I don't go now, I never will.

Georgie?

Aww, come here.

You're a bit of a twat, but you're okay by me.

Cheers, Georgie.

Antigone?

Chapter.

Eric.

Look after yourself.

I'll try.

And to you, Madeline.

Let's write to each other, okay?

Rudyard, you've had your handshake.

Yep, quite right.

Mustn't be greedy.

But as a small token...

Agatha Doyle's last box of Mementomori chocolates.

Don't eat them all at once.

Thank you.

I'll treasure them.

And eat them, obviously.

Time to make tracks, Zoe?

Yeah.

Well,

I suppose there's nothing to say, but

goodbye.

Enjoy yourselves.

Be seeing you.

And you.

Bye, Zoe.

Well,

I never thought it would actually happen.

Nor did I, somehow.

You can't help but wonder what might have been.

What do you mean?

Oh,

nothing.

Anyway, life will soon get back to normal.

Or whatever passes for it around here.

Not

quite.

Georgie?

Um,

I've got something I need to tell you.

Come on, Slowcoach, stop dawdling.

Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

Let's get this show on the road.

Or in the air.

Are you even fit to fly a helicopter tonight?

Yes, yes.

She's seen me through a few scrapes, so I don't want her to plunge into the English Channel.

I've only had one cocktail.

It was named after you.

Oh, yes.

The middle distance.

Ah, bitter, was it?

Bit bland, actually.

Okay.

Systems are online.

Thunderbirds are going.

Where do you want to travel first?

The moon might be worth a shot.

How about it?

Eric?

Hmm?

Shall we go?

What's wrong?

I'm thinking.

I can see that.

Your eyebrows are twitching.

Think faster.

Do you need a minute?

We'll go when you're ready.

I've just realized something.

Oh, yeah?

What's that?

What we're doing now.

Sitting in here, this helicopter.

New Horizons.

The rest of my life staring me in the face.

Can you go anywhere and do anything?

Yes.

Why?

Just that.

It

feels like leaving home.

It feels like leaving home!

Wait!

What are you doing?

Eric!

I'll tell you what I'm doing.

Zoe, I'm going home.

No, no, no!

What?

They're expecting you back in London.

I've pulled strings.

He made arrangements.

What do I tell the Baron?

The Baron?

Tell him he can go jump in a lake.

I'm going back to my family.

They're not perfect, but neither am I.

If I'm lucky, they'll still have me.

I knew you'd do this.

That's me, Mr.

Predictable.

Keep the helicopter, and if you get to the moon, send me a postcard.

Enjoy yourself, Zoe!

There he goes, Eric Chapman, still living his life for other people.

Didn't anyone ever tell you?

Other people are all there is

Georgia.

Hopefully you've conceived of doing such a thing.

You can't do this.

Not now.

It isn't the end of the world.

No, it's worse.

It's catastrophic.

Glad you are.

You're leaving Piffling.

You're leaving us.

Not forever.

A few months.

Maybe six.

I'll come back after, I promise.

Where are you going?

Don't know yet.

That's the exciting part.

You haven't even got a schedule.

Have I told you nothing, Georgie?

We'll decide our first stop before we head and then make up the rest along the way.

Me and Jennifer, seeing the world, doing what Nana would have wanted for us.

But but but

what what?

Take a breath, sir.

What if you find somewhere you prefer?

That's a risk she'll have to take.

Antigone?

As my old science teacher said, no matter how interested you are in death, there's plenty of life to enjoy first.

The world's out there, and it's waiting for you, Georgie.

If this is what you want, then go for it.

Thanks, Antigone.

You've got to be you.

And nobody else can tell you who that is.

You've got to find out for yourself, however you can.

But you left us once before for less than a week, and the whole business nearly collapsed.

That was then.

This is now.

You've got this, Rudyard.

You and Antigone and Madeline.

I'm not saying it'll be easy without me because I am pretty great at stuff, but I am also coming back.

See that you do, that's all.

And stay safe.

Don't take any risks.

In fact, don't do anything.

Relax.

I'm telling you, we'll be putting the bodies in the coffins in the ground on time again before you know it.

I would never run out on my family.

And neither would I.

Eric?

Eric?

You came back before you left.

Yeah, you don't get rid of me that easily.

I've made up my mind.

I'm staying on piffling.

Oh my God.

You know I can't skedaddle as soon as things get interesting, can I?

Don't get me wrong.

This is a great town, but it's going to be an even greater city.

Oh no, this can't be happening.

We lose Georgie and we get him.

Lose Georgie?

Why?

I'm going travelling with Jennifer around the world.

Oh, bloody hell, that's brilliant.

Yeah, I reckon so.

Oh, you'll love it.

Listen, if you need anywhere to stay, I have a list of safe houses in every major capital.

Some of them even have a mini-bar.

Thanks, Eric.

And if you could look after Timmy for us?

I'd be properly honoured.

You're absolutely sure about this.

No regrets?

Not yet.

Ask me again in a few decades.

Then welcome home, Eric.

It's great to be back, Antigone.

And

if you

fancy grabbing that coffee sometime.

We'll see, Chapman.

We'll see.

Georgia, I beg you to reconsider.

As you can see, the war is not yet over.

We need strategy.

We need action.

Oh, hold your horses, Richard.

I'm staying on Piffling, but I didn't say anything about a funeral home.

What do you mean?

I know what I've put you all through.

The same kind of business, just across the square, and I won't do it again.

No funeral home.

No, I'll find another job.

Something that no one else is doing here.

I could be a jeweler or a fencing instructor or maybe a celebrity chef.

That could be fun.

Now, look

here,

champman.

I've heard some nonsense in my time, mainly from you, but this takes the cake.

You are not giving up that easily.

Aren't I?

I will not let it be said that we beat you by default.

If we're going to be the best funeral parlor in town, then we're going to do it fair and square on points.

Yes!

Fun funerals forever!

But Rodjard, don't you want to...

No!

I won't have it, Chapman.

You'll carry on and like it.

And Rudyard won't have time to run the archives if you don't.

You must see that this is the very definition of madness.

I see a man who should keep putting the fun in funerals until we give him the thrashing he deserves.

Now get back in that funeral home and start working.

It's midnight.

If I'm staying up late, then so can you.

Quick mark.

Okay.

Okay.

Good.

Bye, Georgie.

Have a great trip.

Stop pushing.

Speak soon, Madeline.

At all, Roger.

Come on, come on.

Off you go.

Wouldn't you left?

Left.

See you and Tiger.

George, I can't leave you together.

Come on.

Good night, everyone.

It's outrageous.

Enough.

Enjoy yourselves.

Stop being so pleasant.

They say all good things come to an end, but clearly they don't know what they're talking about.

Eric will indeed enjoy many new dawns on Piffling.

Yes, I lied about that bit, Sue me.

And the contest rages on, though it's rather more even than it used to be.

Georgie and Jennifer will see the world and tell us if it's got much going for it.

As for me, my publisher's feeling pretty confident about that Sunday Times bestseller.

And the funds

are the funds.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

And that, as they say, is that.

The

end.

Antigon, eh?

Where on earth did we get this book from?

I found it on the floor by the skirting board.

It's tiny.

I've not seen that before.

What does it say?

Rudyard Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Fale.

It used to be the only one.

It isn't anymore.

But

what is this?

Oh, dear.

Memoirs of a funeral house mouse.

Four volumes.

Madeline.

Where are you?

Come on this minute!

Madeline!

Madeline!

Madeline!

Why are things so

complicated?

A Fun Farewell was written by David K.

Barnes and performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Amy Roxon as Zoe Adiinka, Alana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix, Sean Baker as The Mayor, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Emily Stride as Marlena Magdalena, L.

McAlpine as Marjorie Smith, Ellie Dickens as Miss Scruple, Katrina Knox as Lady Templar, Paul Putner as Sid Marlowe, David K.

Barnes as Dr.

Edgware, Steve Hodson as Desmond, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with Mouse Squeaking by Holly Campbell.

Special thanks to Zara Kelsey and Josephine Quinn-Conroy for the cocktails.

The production manager was Elizabeth Campbell and the music was composed by James Whittle of the Piffling Philharmonic Orchestra.

Special thanks to the Sutton Music Service.

The programme was recorded at the Octagon, Brixton, and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Thank you for listening to Wooden Overcoats.

Enjoy yourselves.

I'm great at credits.

Hello everyone, it's John, one of the producers and directors of Wooden Overcoats.

There are many, many people who have made this series possible whose names we can't fit onto the credits each week, so I'd just like to take a moment to record them here.

Thank you to Eleanor Rushton for reading our credits, who's done so since the very first episode of season one.

And for this series, also to Natasha Hodgson for the Halloween and Isolation special credits.

Thank you to the Sutton Youth Symphony Orchestra and the Young Musicians Orchestra conducted by Phil Aslungel.

With thanks to Phil, Gareth Gay, Carl Kramer, Joe Reeves, and all of the amazing young musicians in both of those orchestras.

It was incredible to come and record you.

The rest of the music you hear, as ever, has been specially performed for us by the Piffling Philharmonic, conducted by James Whittle.

This series, they were Angus Bain, Jonathan Brigg, Ricardo Chiaberta, Rachel Rachel Fulliger, Cameron Howe, Carl Kramer, Anna Victoria, and Guo Yu.

With thanks to East Finchley Methodist Church and Robert Oldman for letting us record in your beautiful building.

Thanks to the team at Octagon Studios in Brixton, London, where the programme is and has always been recorded since our first series, and for this series to engineer Alex O'Donovan and manager Xander Wright.

To everyone who's contributed to the show creatively and with sheer hard work, the writers and our production team.

There are so many people, including some of the voices you love, who have poured their time and lives to make the show the best it can be.

So a personal thank you to all of them from me.

And I cannot forget an enormous thank you to our Indiegogo backers, because without you, none of this would have been possible.

Your support has allowed us to give this show to everyone for free, and we are in your debt.

Thank you to all of you who've supported the show across its lifetime.

Our fans with your incredible passion for the characters and love for the show and the team.

It's been amazing to meet just some of you and to see some of the amazing creations you've made over the course of the series as well.

Thank you.

You've made the show what it is today.

And finally, a reminder that if you're listening the week this episode is airing, you can hear our final live show ever, the episode you just heard performed live in a one-off show at King's Place in London, Sunday the 3rd of April at 7, which is also streaming internationally online.

If you aren't around to watch the show live in person or live on the stream, the stream will be available for 28 days to watch at your convenience, but you must purchase the ticket within seven days of the show to get access to it.

Just head to woodenovercoats.com forward slash listings to buy your tickets.

And if you have been a fan of the show, please do leave us a review on iTunes.

We'd love to hear what you think.

Visit our website to read more about the cast, the incredible production team, everyone who's contributed something, as well as lots of extras that have built up over the last few years.

And there are still lots of beautifully designed t-shirts, mugs, and of course our Christmas, summer and Halloween specials that you can also pick up there on our shop.

From all of us on the Wooden Overcoats team, thank you for listening.

Thank you for your support.

It's been a dream come true and a sheer delight.

So, thank you again.

Goodbye.

Where are you?

Madeline, Madeline,

Madeline's good back on me.

I wouldn't have a selfish hope.

What are we gonna do now?

Let's be out on the street.

I've got a tear in my eye.

Yeah, me too.

Right, I've got a hope good.

Well done, everyone.

Well,

well then.

Let's party, guys.

Buddy.

Fun funerals forever.

Tom, stop by hugging me here.

It's all over.

I love you, big toilet.

Toilet!

Why the toilet?

It's official.

We used to say it to each other the night all the time.

It's too sad.

David, write another one.

You have to.

Locus is crying now.

No.

Somebody, please make an awkward joke to break the tension, for God's sake.

My trousers fell down.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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