Season 4 Episode 9: The Last Nail in the Coffin

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Speaker 5 Rudyard Funn runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one.
It isn't anymore.

Speaker 5 With Eric Chapman out of the picture and resting from his injuries, the field seems clear for the Funs.

Speaker 5 However, life is never that easy, and Eric was about to make a request that none of us could have predicted.

Speaker 7 Woodnotic Oats, created by David K. Barnes.
Season 4, Episode 9: The Last Nail in the Coffin by Alex Lynch and David K. Barnes.

Speaker 5 Having sent Eric Chapman over a waterfall and cracked a few of his ribs, Rattiard was in a cheerful mood for the best part of a week. It couldn't last, however.

Speaker 5 Fun funerals stood empty and bereft of clients.

Speaker 5 Ah, plus archange.

Speaker 8 Has anybody called?

Speaker 9 You asked me that five minutes ago.

Speaker 8 Five minutes is a long time in funerals.

Speaker 9 Has anybody called? No, Roger, no one's called. Nobody's visited.
Nobody wants us. Nobody cares.

Speaker 9 Why should I? The whole village hates our guts. Again, Chapman won't even speak to us.

Speaker 10 He's been in hospital for a week.

Speaker 8 He probably can't say much at all. Probably wincing in pain whenever he moves.
Probably can't even read a magazine without an enormous amount of discomfort.

Speaker 10 Are you finished? No, there's so much left to enjoy.

Speaker 9 Roger, when will you realise that crippling somebody everyone likes is never good for our business? Georgie, any luck out there?

Speaker 11 I've been hustling all morning and nobody's gonna ask us for a funeral, not in a million years. And there's a rumour going around that Eric is suing fun funerals.
What? No, that's not fair.

Speaker 11 You nearly killed him.

Speaker 12 It totally is.

Speaker 13 But he's still got everything he'd ever need.

Speaker 12 Clients, income, glory.

Speaker 14 What could he possibly want from me?

Speaker 11 Your shoes. That's what I'd take.
I could do with some new shoes.

Speaker 2 But I need them to walk in.

Speaker 11 Should have thought of that before you chucked Eric over a waterfall. Shouldn't ya?

Speaker 9 George is right. We're done for.
Chapman's going to sue us and win, and we're going to lose everything. A house, our business, our shoes.

Speaker 8 Nobody's taking anyone's shoes. Things will turn around.
And if they don't, we can always skip the country.

Speaker 9 No, we can't.

Speaker 9 I really felt things were about to turn around for us. Get better.
We might have been on the verge of real change. And now, thanks to you and another bloody disaster, we're back where we started.

Speaker 9 Running on the spot and getting nowhere.

Speaker 15 Antigone.

Speaker 11 What's that ringing?

Speaker 9 It's the telephone. I'd forgotten what it sounded like.

Speaker 2 There!

Speaker 16 I told you where could pick up!

Speaker 17 Georgie, answer it!

Speaker 18 Why?

Speaker 8 You'll hear it.

Speaker 13 Can't go around answering the phone all day.

Speaker 10 People think I've got nothing to do.

Speaker 2 Oh, get get it here.

Speaker 9 Hello, fun funerals, and take any fans be.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 9 it's you.

Speaker 9 I see.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 11 We'll be right there.

Speaker 2 Chapter.

Speaker 9 He's out of hospital. He wants to see us.
And he's phoned ahead to the Harbour Master, so he can't skip the country.

Speaker 11 I agree, Madeline.

Speaker 7 Looks like we've got no choice.

Speaker 13 Remember, our best strategy is try not to look guilty.

Speaker 9 But we haven't done anything.

Speaker 11 You're the one who's guilty.

Speaker 8 If I'm going down, we're going down together.

Speaker 2 Not as much.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 19 morning, everyone.

Speaker 19 Miss Van.

Speaker 9 Dr. Edgware.

Speaker 13 How's the patient? Is he feeling vindictive?

Speaker 19 Vengeful, even?

Speaker 19 I patched him up. There's no permanent damage, so he's come home to recuperate.
But he does need a lot of rest.

Speaker 9 Of course.

Speaker 19 I must ask you to keep it brief and to do nothing to raise his blood pressure. For example, I am now pouring some of his whiskey, and he should not be told about it.

Speaker 2 Cheers.

Speaker 8 Should you be drinking during a house call?

Speaker 13 Sorry, which of us here is a qualified doctor?

Speaker 11 I mean, none of us, surely.

Speaker 11 Including you.

Speaker 8 I'm having another one.

Speaker 13 Dr. Edgeware?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 19 Oh, yes, go on.

Speaker 10 You have some visitors to see you.

Speaker 21 Ah, yes.

Speaker 20 Show them in.

Speaker 19 Enjoy yourselves.

Speaker 17 Good morning, Antigone.

Speaker 13 Georgie?

Speaker 13 Well, Eric, no chapman.

Speaker 21 Rudyard?

Speaker 2 Chapman.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 9 we just spoke to the doctor. He sounded

Speaker 13 positive.

Speaker 21 He says I'll be fine, so long as I stay in bed.

Speaker 11 Must be nice to put your feet up.

Speaker 4 How long will it take?

Speaker 21 A couple of months. But I should be able to move around sooner than that.
You know, slowly and painfully.

Speaker 18 Must be awful for you.

Speaker 2 Yes,

Speaker 10 it is. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 2 So.

Speaker 2 How are you then?

Speaker 21 You mean besides the obvious? Falling down a waterfall? Breaking some ribs? Urgent medical treatment? Besides all that, yes.

Speaker 2 How are you?

Speaker 21 How do you think I am, Rogarto?

Speaker 12 It was more of a rhetorical question, to be honest.

Speaker 2 Well, let me tell you.

Speaker 21 I meant to avoid anything that might cause me stress and anxiety.

Speaker 12 Like calling your solicitor?

Speaker 10 Very wise.

Speaker 12 In fact, you'd best avoid any big or potentially rash decisions about anything at all, ever again.

Speaker 11 This is so much more embarrassing than I thought it would be.

Speaker 21 Actually, it's funny you should say that, Rodiard, because I have been making a fairly big and potentially rash decision, and that's why I've called you all here.

Speaker 21 As you'll appreciate, recent events, coupled with my present well-being, have left me in a difficult position.

Speaker 2 Here it goes.

Speaker 21 I can't run my business, and the financial implications of that could be somewhat detrimental, to say the least.

Speaker 21 And so, while I really hate to do this, and I cannot stress that enough, it's a case of needs must when the devil drives, and so the only option I have left open to me is.

Speaker 11 I can't stand the suspense, please don't sue us. They can barely afford to pay me.

Speaker 11 Eh?

Speaker 9 What do you want? How much?

Speaker 2 When's the court day? Who's your lawyer?

Speaker 12 How small a bribe are they open to?

Speaker 10 Put us out of our misery, man. Please, I'm not going to sue you.

Speaker 9 You're not? No.

Speaker 10 What can I sue you for? You don't have anything. Mind you, I would like a new pair of shoes.

Speaker 2 Buy your own, Eric.

Speaker 21 I'm going to. Because even though I'm incapacitated, Chapman's will remain open for business, putting the fun in funerals as it always does.

Speaker 2 Huh? Simple.

Speaker 21 You're going to run it for me.

Speaker 11 What?

Speaker 11 You

Speaker 22 didn't really say that, did you?

Speaker 21 I'm nearly as surprised as you are, but yes, yes, I did.

Speaker 9 You want to let him run riot in your funeral home? Don't you understand the damage he could do? It's considerable.

Speaker 21 I'm not wild about it, but I've got a funeral coming up, and I'm not prepared to let my clients down. This funeral needs to happen, and it needs to happen without a hitch.

Speaker 21 And if we do it for you, then I will consider this whole putting-me-in-hospital episode behind us.

Speaker 10 There,

Speaker 21 what do you say?

Speaker 13 I say it's a trap.

Speaker 2 A chapman trap. A trapman.

Speaker 9 You must admit you have deceived us in the past.

Speaker 21 You're the only other funeral home on the island. Who else can I turn to? I've planned out the service already, so you only have to follow the instructions.
And

Speaker 21 so long as you're careful, you have carte blanche to use my equipment and resources.

Speaker 9 Even the automatic embalmer's friend 3,000.

Speaker 21 I have an automatic embalmer's friend 8,000.

Speaker 21 Why don't we have to?

Speaker 21 I mean, you've just told me. You know what? Doesn't matter.
The point is, there are no traps, no hidden agendas. All I'm am asking you to do is a funeral.

Speaker 10 So,

Speaker 21 what's it gonna be?

Speaker 2 Antigone?

Speaker 9 Rudyard?

Speaker 12 All right, Japan, we agree to your terms.

Speaker 17 One funeral.

Speaker 2 Game on.

Speaker 21 In that case, it only remains for me to say:

Speaker 21 Welcome to my workshop.

Speaker 5 Leaving Eric behind, we entered a gleaming white room filled with the latest in funereal technology. It was clean and uncluttered and somehow uplifting.

Speaker 5 One felt that embalming a corpse or two would be a pleasure, nay, a privilege.

Speaker 21 It was was so beautiful.

Speaker 2 I could have wept.

Speaker 2 See mental.

Speaker 11 Never seen anything like it.

Speaker 9 We did once break into Chapman's laboratory in the cellar. I thought that was impressive, but this.

Speaker 9 It's like comparing a pile of Lego bricks to Versailles.

Speaker 13 We mustn't be overwhelmed by glitz and baubles.

Speaker 9 But look! The embalmer's friend 8,000! At the touch of a button, we can extract every drop of fluid from every corpse within a 30-mile radius.

Speaker 10 Why would we want to do that?

Speaker 9 Anger depressing!

Speaker 9 But I feel like a child in the sweet shop where everyone's perished.

Speaker 2 Yeah, come on, sir.

Speaker 11 He's even got a state-of-the-art coffee maker.

Speaker 13 I prefer our own state-of-the-art coffee maker.

Speaker 2 You mean me? Exactly.

Speaker 8 The personal touch.

Speaker 13 What we should do is...

Speaker 9 Watch out, Richard! This urn has not yet been occupied.

Speaker 13 Did that urn speak to us?

Speaker 24 Hands out a cookie jar, Rudyard!

Speaker 24 Hello there! Can you see me? I can see you.

Speaker 9 Oh, you're joking. Ignore it.
It's just a computer. He's got loads of them.

Speaker 24 No, it's the real me. I'm speaking to you on the interface.
I see you're admiring my electronic urns. When you open them, they play a personalized message.
Could be a nice little urner.

Speaker 11 Are you dosed up on painkillers?

Speaker 24 Up to the eyeballs, yes.

Speaker 8 Chapman, there's no need for you to check up on us.

Speaker 24 Oh, it's no trouble. Thanks to this system, I can tune in whenever I like to lend you a verbal helping hand.

Speaker 22 God, what a freak. Greed.

Speaker 24 What was that?

Speaker 2 Nothing.

Speaker 8 Let's talk fundamentals, Chapman. If we're getting the body in the coffin in the ground up.

Speaker 8 If we're going to put the fun in funerals,

Speaker 8 we ought to know whose it is.

Speaker 24 It's for Jerry. Jerry!

Speaker 2 But he's been dead for years.

Speaker 24 No, I mean, Jerry, Bill and Tanya's dog.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 11 Timmy used to play with him.

Speaker 24 That's very sad. The whole village liked that dog.
So we've got to get this right.

Speaker 2 And we will.

Speaker 8 So long as you stop interrupting us.

Speaker 24 Have you read the instructions yet?

Speaker 3 I don't need them.

Speaker 8 I'm a professional, for God's sake.

Speaker 9 Oh, shut up, Rajad.

Speaker 11 Here we are.

Speaker 9 Uh, a portrait painter, an orchestra, a choir of singing dogs.

Speaker 26 Wait.

Speaker 11 You want a special guest appearance from George Take,

Speaker 24 yes, he's a big fan of mine. Shouldn't be too hard to...
Oh, wait, I've got an incoming call. Oh, it's Bill and Tanya.

Speaker 8 Then don't let us keep you. I'm sure you'll want to chat.

Speaker 24 Actually, they're in the foyer. I'd see them if I were you, so you can tell them what you've got planned.

Speaker 10 Fine, I'll go to the foyer.

Speaker 8 But on one condition.

Speaker 21 And what's that?

Speaker 9 Doors opening.

Speaker 8 I always wanted to take a proper ride in that.

Speaker 13 Ah, yes, Bill, Tanya.

Speaker 12 Hello, and welcome to Shuttons.

Speaker 2 Wait, what are you doing here?

Speaker 8 Today, Bill, I'm preparing your beloved dog,

Speaker 13 Jerry.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 2 But but no.

Speaker 3 We booked a chapman's funeral.

Speaker 12 That's exactly what you're getting.

Speaker 8 All the fripperies you'd associate with him done that little bit better than usual.

Speaker 18 And we're mattered.

Speaker 2 There.

Speaker 8 You can thank me later.

Speaker 12 Let's talk about coffins.

Speaker 9 No, no, there must be some mistake.

Speaker 2 Bill, do something.

Speaker 10 Where's Eric?

Speaker 12 He's off sick, I'm afraid, so while he recovers, I'm in charge. After all, as they say, the show must go on, yeah?

Speaker 2 I want a refund!

Speaker 21 Darling, let's not be hasty.

Speaker 6 No, no, I'm not having this. It's appalling.

Speaker 21 Bill, be angry. It's not personal, Rudyard.
It's just...

Speaker 3 We had our hearts set on a Chapman's funeral for

Speaker 3 our Jerry.

Speaker 8 Well, you can take this or leave it. Right!

Speaker 27 We're leaving.

Speaker 6 And we're marching straight across the square to get our funeral done at.

Speaker 8 No, no, no, that...

Speaker 3 That doesn't. That doesn't work.

Speaker 8 Let me think. There's...

Speaker 8 So there's Chapman's and fun funerals. Except...
Except, well,

Speaker 3 Rudyard's here.

Speaker 2 And Bill, it's like we're back in the dark age when there was only one funeral home in the whole village.

Speaker 28 They were terrible days.

Speaker 13 How did we survive?

Speaker 10 Could you pull yourselves together and let me give your dog a funeral?

Speaker 2 But but but

Speaker 2 mommy promised her little Jerry that he'd get the best send-off in piffling history.

Speaker 10 You talk to your dog about his funeral.

Speaker 13 Dogs love to be prepared.

Speaker 8 I'm not Eric Chapman.

Speaker 10 I don't have smart gadgets or fancy suits or a legion of celebrity guests.

Speaker 13 But I'll tell you what I do have: the craft.

Speaker 13 Years of experience and a hunger for the work. I'm not popular, but I can still do the job.
And your Jerry will get the very best service he deserves. That I promise you.

Speaker 2 Have it your way.

Speaker 2 But if you ruin this funeral, then I swear that Bill will take his revenge.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 10 Your threats are unnecessary.

Speaker 8 I suggest you leave this to us, and in the meantime,

Speaker 12 enjoy yourselves.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 21 No, that

Speaker 13 doesn't suit you at all.

Speaker 9 It's weird and sinister.

Speaker 17 Noted.

Speaker 28 Now, excuse me, I've got work to do.

Speaker 28 Yours again.

Speaker 2 Get some really nice lift.

Speaker 5 The next day, we began our work in earnest, guided by the principle. What would Chapman do? Given that the answer to that was always win, we didn't see how we could lose.

Speaker 2 And yet.

Speaker 8 I've been on the line for forty minutes. All I want is to hire a dozen of your singing dogs for a funeral.

Speaker 14 Don't?

Speaker 8 And who am I talking to?

Speaker 8 Dogs for the blind.

Speaker 13 Do any of them sing?

Speaker 17 Hello.

Speaker 2 Hello?

Speaker 8 The trouble with these modern phones is you can't slam them when you hang up.

Speaker 11 Technically you can.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 12 In that case.

Speaker 11 I've broken it. Well, yeah.
What did you expect? That's cause and effect.

Speaker 2 Don't worry. It's got a spare look.

Speaker 11 I'm more concerned with this coffee. When you said it had to be made for a dog.
I didn't know it had to be shaped like what it is.

Speaker 8 It doesn't have to be perfect. Just make it to scale and let the ears poke out or something.

Speaker 2 Okay, here goes.

Speaker 8 How's Antigone getting on? Antigone?

Speaker 9 Keep down the monitor to avoid an increase or decrease in pressure beyond optimum limits.

Speaker 13 Antigone, what's- Shhh!

Speaker 2 Not now!

Speaker 9 This will cause complete system failure unless the first and seventh channels are primed, the fifth is green, and the polarity of the neutron flow is presently reversed. Oh, it's hopeless.

Speaker 9 Why did it have to be so complicated?

Speaker 8 The Embalmer's friend 8000.

Speaker 9 Yes! Look at this manual. It's got 400 pages, and none of them make sense.
He was only in a well-ventilated area within a tightly enclosed space.

Speaker 8 Go on then, enclose it.

Speaker 2 I'm trying, but my arms won't stretch around that far.

Speaker 8 Georgie can help when she's done the coffin.

Speaker 18 Have a go at the scented candles. I've done them, they're awful.
What do they smell of? Wet dog. Perfect.

Speaker 23 It's what they asked for.

Speaker 8 I'll cross it off the list.

Speaker 26 Ah, right, yard! Just the chap I wanted to see.

Speaker 8 What can we do for you, Reverend?

Speaker 2 It won't be long.

Speaker 26 I just popped over to see a copy of the eulogy.

Speaker 23 A eulogy?

Speaker 29 Yes, for Jerry's funeral.

Speaker 10 A first draft will do.

Speaker 28 Actually, we were thinking you could write it.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 13 Why would you think that?

Speaker 8 Because you're the Reverend.

Speaker 26 But Eric usually writes them for me.

Speaker 8 Surely he told you. Yes, but my sister's preparing the body, Georgie's on the coffin, and I'm organising the rest of it.

Speaker 2 What about the mouse?

Speaker 8 She says she didn't know Jerry well enough.

Speaker 2 But heavens above, man, what do I say? I'm not a dog. I have no frame of reverence.

Speaker 13 Look, there's an an office next door.

Speaker 8 Sit down, have a cup of tea, and you'll be writing in no time. I have complete faith.

Speaker 29 Well, that makes one of us.

Speaker 3 That's it.

Speaker 8 Go away and pour your heart out.

Speaker 26 I couldn't repeat one of my older eulogies and cross the names out.

Speaker 18 Jerry was a loving uncle, etc.

Speaker 8 No, something new.

Speaker 2 But writing fun!

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 8 what next?

Speaker 24 Oh, hi there, fans.

Speaker 24 Dropping in to say hello. Are we getting to grips with the tech, Antigone? It basically runs itself.

Speaker 9 Yes, yes, it's fine. All systems go.

Speaker 24 You haven't switched it on.

Speaker 9 I'm building up to it.

Speaker 2 Like this.

Speaker 24 You'll get the hang of it. Though mind you don't press that switch again, or you'll kill us all.

Speaker 24 I'm not joking.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 24 And Georgie, do we have a coffin yet?

Speaker 11 Yes, Eric. Nearly done.

Speaker 2 At all.

Speaker 2 Uh.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 24 You're using oak. You see, mahogany is so much nicer and it's far more durable.
Or walnuts, it's a little more expensive, but you can't put a price on a loved one.

Speaker 7 So, what are you suggesting?

Speaker 24 Well, I'm not saying start again, but start again. You said it, not me.
And clamp a straight-edge guide while you're at it.

Speaker 7 Could somebody clamp the patient, please?

Speaker 24 Telephone!

Speaker 2 We know!

Speaker 8 I'll get it. Antigone, why don't you try and shut him up?

Speaker 9 Me, what can I do?

Speaker 12 Drug his fruit bowl, beat him to death, I dunno, use your imagination!

Speaker 12 Hello, is that the painter?

Speaker 8 Yes, I've received your portrait of Jerry. It's very accurate, but we were hoping you'd do one of him living instead of his corpse.

Speaker 28 Yes?

Speaker 8 Well, it shouldn't cost extra.

Speaker 8 Oh, uh.

Speaker 8 Doctor? Miss Lunn.

Speaker 19 I'm just checking in on the patient.

Speaker 19 His stress levels seem to be rising. He's not working, is he?

Speaker 9 Not officially, no.

Speaker 2 Ah.

Speaker 9 Could you keep him sedated? If it's unethical, I can do it myself.

Speaker 2 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 13 No, I've given him something already.

Speaker 21 Antigone.

Speaker 9 Should I speak to him?

Speaker 2 Hmm, go ahead. As for me, I've got

Speaker 19 ten minutes till my next appointment, so I might stay for a nap.

Speaker 9 There's nowhere to sleep.

Speaker 19 Oh, this rug will do nicely.

Speaker 20 Don't mind me.

Speaker 20 You carry on.

Speaker 9 Chapman?

Speaker 21 Is that you, Antigone?

Speaker 9 Yes. The doctor says you should rest.
I will.

Speaker 2 I will.

Speaker 21 I just wanted to uh

Speaker 21 say

Speaker 21 things.

Speaker 9 Say things?

Speaker 21 Sort of making sure things were

Speaker 21 okay

Speaker 21 between us.

Speaker 9 You mean fun funerals?

Speaker 21 I meant you, really.

Speaker 9 Me?

Speaker 21 After everything that's happened, there's like no

Speaker 21 questions about

Speaker 21 stuff.

Speaker 9 I thought spies never revealed their secrets.

Speaker 17 An ex-spy might.

Speaker 9 Why funeral directing?

Speaker 2 Hmm?

Speaker 9 You weren't an undertaker before you came here. No.
So why start here on Piffling? It's a somewhat strange career to go into suddenly.

Speaker 21 Well, my uncle ran a funeral home, you see.

Speaker 21 One year, he got stiffed.

Speaker 9 Got what?

Speaker 21 Stiffed. The Society to Independent Functions.

Speaker 9 Funeral firm directors, yes, of course. You mean they held their conference at your uncle's business?

Speaker 21 The creme de la creme of undertakers. A big honour.
I was there to cheer him on. The thing is, he passed out drunk before the speech, so I made one up instead.

Speaker 9 Which went down as the best one of all time, naturally.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 10 And when I had to move here, I thought,

Speaker 21 you know,

Speaker 21 why not?

Speaker 9 No, Chapman. You don't begin a whole new profession just because you managed to improvise a decent speech.
You're too invested in this, too driven.

Speaker 21 Yes.

Speaker 9 You're keeping something back?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 22 Why?

Speaker 21 Because I wasn't always proud of my actions, and

Speaker 13 you're you're too important to me.

Speaker 21 I don't want you to hate me, Antigone.

Speaker 2 Chapman?

Speaker 9 What are you talking about? You promised to explain.

Speaker 2 Oh, come on, wake up, Eric!

Speaker 2 No!

Speaker 9 Always has to be cryptic. Mr.
I wake up one day and decide to be brilliant at something I've never done before.

Speaker 9 Do you know how annoying that is

Speaker 9 now?

Speaker 9 I'm important to him.

Speaker 9 Typical.

Speaker 2 Hello, Madeline.

Speaker 9 Just failing to get some answers.

Speaker 9 His identity bracelet.

Speaker 9 I'd forgotten about that. Took us a whole night in a cemetery to find it.

Speaker 9 Yes, he's wearing it. Why?

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 9 if you say so, but I i don't see what you

Speaker 9 i'm reading it but

Speaker 9 this doesn't make any sense

Speaker 11 sir bill's on the phone again it's about the caterers what about them he says we can't book with branigan's buffets because of an ongoing dispute between his family and theirs so what do we do

Speaker 8 we'll need the boys to work it out i mean it's about the caterers who'd we book now butcher georgie you'll never get back and taking whatever it is, it can wait.

Speaker 12 Why, what's happening?

Speaker 8 The painter's pulled out. We can't book a buffet, and the Piffling Philharmonics don't work Tuesdays.

Speaker 8 Georgie's tried to build that coffin five times already, and it still doesn't look anything like a dog. And Chapman's celebrity friend is holding out for a five-star hotel.

Speaker 18 Piffling doesn't have any.

Speaker 12 That's what I said. Reggae!

Speaker 2 Reggae!

Speaker 12 Very busy, Reverend.

Speaker 2 But the speech!

Speaker 8 I can't do it, I tell you.

Speaker 12 How far have you got?

Speaker 2 Well, hmm.

Speaker 13 Truria was a dog.

Speaker 2 That's it, that's all I've got.

Speaker 9 But you're an excellent writer, and you've always written the eulogies for all our funerals.

Speaker 15 I don't have to try when I'm doing those, but this is for Eric.

Speaker 28 It's got to be good!

Speaker 2 Sir!

Speaker 11 Great news. We've got the singing dogs for the choir.

Speaker 8 Finally! When can we have them?

Speaker 2 Well, they're here already. No, don't let them in.
What are you doing?

Speaker 2 Get off! Don't touch me!

Speaker 2 Dog just ate my eulogy! Georgie! Get rid of the dogs!

Speaker 18 They're not even singing!

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, you're not showing me the lyrics yet. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 18 Wait, what's that?

Speaker 9 The Impalmer's friend 8,000 has been switched on. Roger, what have you done?

Speaker 8 You were taking too long, so I tried to get it started myself, and then I got distracted.

Speaker 9 You weren't monitoring the dial. The pressures too low or too high.

Speaker 28 What does that mean?

Speaker 2 Everyone, get down!

Speaker 5 They all dove for cover, including the dogs.

Speaker 2 And then.

Speaker 5 The pipes burst, shooting out jets of unsavory fluids. Suddenly, the whole machine cracked asunder, and the dogs were carried off on the way.

Speaker 20 George, did we pay a deposit on those dogs? Yes. Oh, God, no.
Don't let go, any of you. It can't last much longer.

Speaker 29 Well, I'll come back in half an hour and we'll take another look at the eulogy.

Speaker 2 Bye for now.

Speaker 11 Watch where you step in.

Speaker 9 Roger,

Speaker 9 what do we do?

Speaker 2 Hello, everyone.

Speaker 24 Thought I heard a bit of noise. Everything okay?

Speaker 24 Oh, Georgie, you're so very nearly there with that coffin. Another once or twice, I'm sure you'll get it right.

Speaker 9 So,

Speaker 11 anyone want a coffee?

Speaker 28 With milk.

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 5 Following a fruitless attempt to clean up, we glumly sat down with our cups and thimble

Speaker 5 of decaffeinated coffee and wondered how our lives had come to this.

Speaker 11 I don't like to say it, but on a scale of one to ten of catastrophes, this was definitely a nine.

Speaker 9 Why not ten?

Speaker 11 None of us died. So, you know, that's a win.
Matter of opinion.

Speaker 13 We had Chapman's resources, his tricks, his equipment, access to all of this.

Speaker 8 We still failed. What does that say about us?

Speaker 18 We can't give up.

Speaker 8 I'm not giving up, just facing facts.

Speaker 8 Oh, what did you want to tell us before the apocalypse?

Speaker 9 Hardly matters now. Chapman's identity bracelet, the one he made us look for, it doesn't have his name on it.
Doesn't?

Speaker 22 No.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 8 So whose name is on it?

Speaker 9 Critchley. Critchley? Hmm, B.
Critchley. Right.

Speaker 10 Who the hell is B.

Speaker 18 Critchley?

Speaker 9 He is, I suppose. Unless he's got the wrong bracelet.

Speaker 11 He was a spy. Could be a code name.
Anything else on it?

Speaker 9 Some numbers, blood group. It's more like a tag than a bracelet.
I doubt it matters, really.

Speaker 13 No, I doubt it does.

Speaker 13 Whatever his name,

Speaker 13 he's beaten us.

Speaker 13 Pff

Speaker 8 never be better than Eric Chapman.

Speaker 11 I mean,

Speaker 11 do we wanna be better than Eric?

Speaker 9 Yes. Yes.
Yes.

Speaker 30 Okay, sure.

Speaker 11 We need to make a living. We need to be good at what we do.
But that doesn't mean doing it like Eric.

Speaker 11 We've spent so much time comparing ourselves to him when we could have been, well,

Speaker 11 doing our own thing.

Speaker 9 Getting better at what we do.

Speaker 9 Easier said than done, isn't it? We've tried before.

Speaker 8 Mind you, we didn't do badly at that pirate parade until the riot.

Speaker 15 Exactly.

Speaker 11 We did okay there for a while. And before that, when Madeline won us some good publicity we were on the verge of real change.

Speaker 12 That's what you said Antigone and then

Speaker 13 And then I got in the way

Speaker 10 It's the truth, isn't it

Speaker 9 Antigone? I don't want to say yes, but I'm not gonna say no.

Speaker 11 We can't beat ourselves up. Let's face it.
We won't cut out to do a Chapman kind of funeral.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 8 but maybe we don't have to.

Speaker 9 Regard, what do you mean?

Speaker 8 There's still one thing we can do, better than anyone else. And if we start now,

Speaker 8 we might be ready in time.

Speaker 5 Many hours passed.

Speaker 5 When Eric Chapman next stirred from his slumber, head swirling from sedatives and painkillers, it was a brand new day.

Speaker 5 The sun was up, the birds were singing, and all was at peace.

Speaker 4 Ah, you are awake.

Speaker 17 How are you feeling?

Speaker 21 Henry, what time is it?

Speaker 19 Uh, coming up to midday.

Speaker 19 You've been out for quite a while. Mind you, I only woke up five minutes ago myself.
That is a really comfortable ride.

Speaker 21 I could have sworn I woke up earlier. Some sort of noise, a crash, maybe even an explosion.

Speaker 21 Ah,

Speaker 21 yes.

Speaker 14 I think we we should give you a sedative now.

Speaker 19 Why?

Speaker 21 What's happened?

Speaker 10 Where are the funds?

Speaker 19 These are all questions best answered once you're safely unconscious.

Speaker 17 Oh god.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 23 Eric, Eric, you shouldn't be out of bed. Ow!

Speaker 23 Ow!

Speaker 23 Ow!

Speaker 23 Ow!

Speaker 23 Oh no!

Speaker 3 What have they done?

Speaker 25 My equipment, my furniture!

Speaker 16 My coffee machine!

Speaker 2 They were here for a day! One day!

Speaker 16 Look at it!

Speaker 17 Oh, calm yourself.

Speaker 10 Only needs a spring clean, a lick of paint. Once you've scraped all the ooze off the walls here.

Speaker 10 Huh.

Speaker 10 I'm stuck to the wall.

Speaker 17 Wait a minute.

Speaker 27 The funds.

Speaker 21 If it's nearly midday, that means the funeral's about to begin.

Speaker 2 It'll be a disaster. Eric, wait, come back.
No!

Speaker 2 I've got to get to that funeral before it's too late.

Speaker 2 Eric raced from the funeral home and hobbled painfully but quickly through the streets of Pierfling Vale, his dressing gown flapping with vigor.

Speaker 5 His lungs aching for breath, his limbs trembling with the effort, Eric tumbled into the cemetery at a quarter past twelve to discover.

Speaker 5 Listen,

Speaker 2 it's all

Speaker 2 fine.

Speaker 17 Ah, there you are, Eric.

Speaker 25 Nigel, what's going on? Nothing's on fire, nobody's fighting.

Speaker 13 They're just...

Speaker 21 mourning.

Speaker 17 Yes.

Speaker 21 Novel, isn't it?

Speaker 29 I was skeptical when the fun suggested this, but it seems to have worked a treat.

Speaker 2 But where's the dog choir or the orchestra?

Speaker 28 The portraits, the fireworks, the dog treats fountain.

Speaker 6 We didn't have them. Why not?

Speaker 21 We just did the service, really.

Speaker 28 Kept it basic.

Speaker 17 I even wrote my own eulogy.

Speaker 26 I realized I was overthinking it and simply wrote from the heart.

Speaker 25 Jerry

Speaker 12 was a good dog.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 17 this isn't what we planned at all.

Speaker 28 Eric?

Speaker 8 Afternoon.

Speaker 5 Afternoon, Eric.

Speaker 25 Bill, Tanya, I don't know what to say. I'm

Speaker 25 so sorry.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 13 Well, you look devastated.

Speaker 19 Of course we do.

Speaker 14 It's a funeral.

Speaker 2 It was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Speaker 3 It was?

Speaker 4 What about all the extras you wanted?

Speaker 6 That was your stroke of genius, Eric.

Speaker 5 You knew that we didn't want that.

Speaker 22 Not really.

Speaker 6 You made it simple and traditional.

Speaker 18 All we needed was to say goodbye.

Speaker 21 At moments like this, you realize all that matters is being there.

Speaker 21 Jerry's at peace now.

Speaker 8 And so are we.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 21 I'm.

Speaker 21 I'm glad.

Speaker 11 Bill,

Speaker 2 shall we go home?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Come away, Tanya.

Speaker 4 So,

Speaker 21 the Funs knew what they were doing after all.

Speaker 17 Yes.

Speaker 26 Radjard was telling me about this theory of his.

Speaker 2 You get the body in the coffin, in the ground, on time.

Speaker 26 Then you just stand aside and let people mourn.

Speaker 2 Quite effective.

Speaker 13 I guess it is. I mean, I'm not sure I'd want them all to be like this, but it's nice to shake things up occasionally.

Speaker 10 I should congratulate them.

Speaker 28 Where are the funds?

Speaker 16 They're behind you.

Speaker 9 Hello, Chapman.

Speaker 2 Chapman. Hey, Eric.

Speaker 11 Shouldn't you be in bed?

Speaker 25 I should, yes.

Speaker 16 But uh. I'll leave you all to it.

Speaker 26 You must have lots to discuss. Fabulous teamwork on this one, by the way.

Speaker 16 I'd have liked a merry archer band, but uh, it was still a top ten.

Speaker 10 Thank you, Reverend Chapman.

Speaker 8 You may have noticed that we deviated slightly from your instructions.

Speaker 11 We did pull together a buffet, but it didn't have a theme.

Speaker 9 Just crisps, really.

Speaker 21 Did you even manage to get hold of George Tecay?

Speaker 8 Oh, yes, but it turned out he had nothing to do.

Speaker 13 Rudyard, are you absolutely sure you won't need me?

Speaker 10 No, no, George, you can go now.

Speaker 8 Take some crisps if you like.

Speaker 9 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 2 I will.

Speaker 9 In the end, Chapman, we couldn't be you, so instead we tried to be us.

Speaker 8 All's still in your name, as agreed.

Speaker 10 And the fee will go straight to you.

Speaker 8 It won't quite cover the damages in your workshop, but I'm willing to overlook that if you are.

Speaker 21 Very gracious of you, Rudyard.

Speaker 11 So, does that mean we're even then?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 21 You did me a funeral,

Speaker 13 and I've learned a lot from it.

Speaker 4 Enjoy yourselves, all.

Speaker 4 You deserve it.

Speaker 8 That's the first sensible thing he's ever said.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 11 We should celebrate.

Speaker 11 Turns out every funeral doesn't have to end in violent bloodshed, after all, eh?

Speaker 8 So, once you put some effort into them,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 9 We may have shot for the moon and failed to reach it, but in the end, at last, we did it our way.

Speaker 11 The best way.

Speaker 13 Oh, good, didn't it?

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 9 Perhaps we put less pressure on ourselves.

Speaker 11 Because it wasn't one of ours, you mean?

Speaker 9 Hmm, we were doing the job for the sake of doing it well.

Speaker 8 That's true, then the pressure's back on now. We've got a new high standard to maintain.

Speaker 13 I hope we're up to it.

Speaker 13 Thank you, madam.

Speaker 8 I'm quietly confident, too.

Speaker 5 And so the four of us left the churchyard together with high hopes of achievements to come.

Speaker 5 As we left, I saw Eric out of a corner of my eye. He was deep in conversation with Merz Ada Yinka, his former colleague.
It was only later that I discovered what was said.

Speaker 5 Eric,

Speaker 27 you get around for a a man with broken ribs.

Speaker 21 You never forget your training. Make your pain work for you.
To focus, thought, and action.

Speaker 21 Never give into it.

Speaker 27 You're in agony, though, yeah?

Speaker 10 Oh, God, it hurts.

Speaker 22 Yep.

Speaker 27 Well, old friend, I'm afraid I'll be leaving you soon.

Speaker 27 While you've been in bed, I've almost completed my mission.

Speaker 17 Not long now.

Speaker 27 Why don't you come with me? They'd love to have you back at the firm.

Speaker 23 I've told you before, I can't.

Speaker 3 Yes, you can.

Speaker 6 You always could.

Speaker 21 Brett Critchley. What about him?

Speaker 6 We spoke to his family.

Speaker 27 Even they want you back.

Speaker 27 You weren't to blame for

Speaker 9 you know what?

Speaker 8 Come home, Eric.

Speaker 27 We need you.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 21 Piffling certainly doesn't.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 21 When do we leave?

Speaker 7 The Last Male in the Coffin was written by Alex Lynch and David K. Barnes.

Speaker 7 It was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Pip Gladwin as Bill, Emily Stride as Tanya, David K.

Speaker 7 Barnes as Dr. Edgware, Amy Roxon as Zoe Adiinka, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with Mouse Squeaking from Holly Campbell.

Speaker 7 The production manager was Elizabeth Campbell, and the music was composed by James Whittle.

Speaker 7 The programme was recorded at the Octagon, Brixton, and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 28 The crisps look very tasty.

Speaker 2 Oh my, yum, yum.

Speaker 30 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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