Season 4 Episode 7: In the Buff

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Speaker 5 Antigone Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one.
It isn't anymore. Though Antigone is usually up for a challenge, this latest one takes the biscuit.

Speaker 5 She isn't getting paid for this, but she will get lots of exposure.

Speaker 6 Wooden Overcoats, created by David K.

Speaker 7 Barnes, Season 4, episode 7. In the Buff by Molly Beth Morosa.

Speaker 5 It all began at the village hall. As Mayor Desmond Desmond knew, the problem with being kept very busy is that it's hard to keep track of what you're being kept very busy with.

Speaker 5 That's why Georgie had made him a detailed digital calendar,

Speaker 5 which he deleted.

Speaker 9 Miss Crusoe, please don't be angry.

Speaker 8 Why? What's up?

Speaker 9 Can you remember what I'm supposed to be doing between now and the day I die?

Speaker 8 Not again.

Speaker 8 I keep telling you, don't touch the calendar.

Speaker 9 It's the colour coding. It always draws me in.
The vibrant cerulean of a council meeting. The regal scarlet of a night-inn with Nigel, the daverdal yellow of utility bill payments.
But

Speaker 9 I didn't like the green against purple, so I tried to do things and they didn't work. And the more I fixed it, the worse it got.

Speaker 9 Then I got cross and I deleted it by accident, and I think you'll find it's all very relatable.

Speaker 8 We cannot go on like this.

Speaker 9 No, we can't. Life was better when we relied on ink and paper and pencil cases.
Morning, all.

Speaker 10 Calendar problems? Yeah. Those are the colours again.

Speaker 9 And my fingers are too big for this keyboard. It's a conspiracy.

Speaker 8 Look, you need a calendar, and it's more efficient to have it all on the computer.

Speaker 10 A while ago, I developed an app called Chap, which might actually make things simpler. See?

Speaker 9 You're meeting the mayor for Squash.

Speaker 10 Let him win. Oh, uh, sorry.

Speaker 9 No, no, no, no, no, no, Eric. You can keep your digital witchcraft.
Things are complicated enough around here as it is. Outrageous!

Speaker 9 Did anyone hear that? Oh, perhaps we're haunted. I hope not.

Speaker 2 Now, look here.

Speaker 9 Your worship, I have discovered something naughty in the archives. Oh,

Speaker 10 to be specific, and with regret, it is a folder

Speaker 11 of smut.

Speaker 10 Dibs! I knew we couldn't allow incendiary material like this to remain within these walls.

Speaker 9 No, the asbestos is bad enough. Huh.
What? I'm gonna moe.

Speaker 8 This is just a photo of an old old statue.

Speaker 10 Yes, it's a lady with a post-it note covering her top half. Lift it and you'll understand why.

Speaker 10 Oh, I see. She's topless.

Speaker 2 Don't say it out loud.

Speaker 9 Breasts.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 10 That's it. Throw out, Georgie.
No.

Speaker 12 What a statue.

Speaker 10 She's already ripped that corset open. Very fierce.
Wait, isn't that the square outside?

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 8 The file says Abigail Abernaffy, 1871 to 1924, the first woman on Pitling to practice science.

Speaker 8 Ooh, made significant advances in biology and the field of human anatomy. Wow, she was a pioneer.

Speaker 10 And a frontline campaigner for women's suffrage. Look, she was repeatedly arrested for civil disobedience, public indecency, and satire that actually worked.

Speaker 8 So, where's the statue now?

Speaker 9 It was before my time, but I'm afraid it was taken down and buried for being too risque. Though there were plans for the council to cover her modesty.

Speaker 10 Hence the estimates for a stone brazier.

Speaker 9 I don't see what all the fuss was about myself. No harm ever came from a nipple.

Speaker 10 Well, until we can verify that, the statue is best left where it is.

Speaker 9 No, it isn't.

Speaker 8 Abigail shouldn't be hidden away just because she was proud of her own body.

Speaker 10 I quite agree. This is the sort of history that's worth celebrating.

Speaker 9 All those in favor of reinstating Abigail's statue say aye. Aye.
Aye. All opposed?

Speaker 13 There is a nuance to be had.

Speaker 9 Motion carried. We simply must get the statue restored immediately.

Speaker 9 But do we have the funds for it?

Speaker 10 When's our next council meeting again?

Speaker 9 If only I knew.

Speaker 9 I need a calendar that's too simple to delete, but too exciting to ignore.

Speaker 14 That's it.

Speaker 8 I know how we can raise the money for the statue and celebrate Abigail 2. A naked calendar.

Speaker 2 Oh, what?

Speaker 10 Well, that'll be a lark. We can hide behind teacups and...

Speaker 9 Things.

Speaker 9 Oh, Nigel, we'll enjoy that. What a splendid idea.

Speaker 10 I appreciate your interest in Piffling's history, but can we find a way of doing it without lots of naked people?

Speaker 9 I don't see how we can, no. Miss Crusoe, rally the troops.
We're going to do our bit for culture.

Speaker 15 I say, that sounds exciting.

Speaker 16 What's going on? Miss Doyle, you can help.

Speaker 8 We're doing a naked calendar.

Speaker 2 I'm ready.

Speaker 17 Where shall I stand? Hooray!

Speaker 5 And where was Antigone?

Speaker 5 Oblivious to the steady advance of destiny, she was making herself some toast after a hard morning's work in the mortuary.

Speaker 18 Not too soft, not too singed.

Speaker 18 You're finally getting the hang of this. Antigone won the world nil.

Speaker 4 But Georgie, think of the scandal.

Speaker 8 It's not a scandal if everyone's doing it.

Speaker 18 Oh, why can't I enjoy my victory in peace?

Speaker 9 I need a stiff drink. Hot water? Make it a double.

Speaker 8 Hey, Antigone, you ever heard of Abigail Abernathy?

Speaker 18 Of course. I read all about her at school.
She was one of my heroes. Intelligent, defiant.
And she really knew her cutest from her cubitus.

Speaker 18 Anatomy joke.

Speaker 8 I wouldn't open with it. But the point is, there used to be a statue of Abigail in the square.
And it got torn down.

Speaker 18 No, that's appalling.

Speaker 9 How could that happen?

Speaker 3 Patriarchy. I knew it.

Speaker 8 But now the mayor wants to restore the statue and put it back in the square. If we can raise the cash.

Speaker 18 I'd love to help in a cause like this. Yes.
A mystery fluid auction. Or a sponsored embarrasson.

Speaker 2 Chili?

Speaker 8 We have an idea already.

Speaker 1 You see. Hello!

Speaker 9 Anybody?

Speaker 2 Oh, dear.

Speaker 2 Hello.

Speaker 10 Antigony, you talk to her, have seen more than enough of that woman for one day.

Speaker 18 I've no idea what you mean, but I'm on a break.

Speaker 9 Well, I'm not going. Strange.

Speaker 2 Suspicious, one might say.

Speaker 9 Oh,

Speaker 9 coming.

Speaker 14 Ah, Miss Fun, have you heard the exciting news?

Speaker 18 Yes, I'm so glad we're going to honor Abigail again. She was a tremendous inspiration.

Speaker 14 She reminds me of myself back in the 70s.

Speaker 15 Peace demo on the mainland.

Speaker 14 Gave the police a real eyeful, I can tell you.

Speaker 15 Then, then I thought, if you can't beat them, join them.

Speaker 11 Bring them down from the inside.

Speaker 18 An eye full of watch.

Speaker 11 High time we got the old girl back on her feet.

Speaker 15 Chin up, chest out, and all that.

Speaker 17 I'm organising the fundraiser.

Speaker 18 Ah, Georgie was telling me all about it. I can't wait.

Speaker 2 I say, really?

Speaker 18 Yes, I'd love to be involved. My brain's buzzing with ideas already.

Speaker 20 Are you sure, Miss Farmer?

Speaker 18 Absolutely, Miss Doyle. You can sign me up at once.

Speaker 19 Gosh. It's always a quiet one, isn't it?

Speaker 15 We've got twelve slots, naturally enough.

Speaker 20 How about December?

Speaker 18 Surely you'll want something sooner than that.

Speaker 20 Very amusing.

Speaker 17 You said you had some ideas already.

Speaker 18 I thought I could do something with embalming fluids.

Speaker 11 Why?

Speaker 2 You're a dark horse, aren't you?

Speaker 10 Got any props?

Speaker 18 Well, I've got all the jars, of course.

Speaker 21 Won't they be a bit too transparent?

Speaker 18 I don't see what difference that makes.

Speaker 11 Everybody else will, I assure you.

Speaker 16 Is it safe to come out?

Speaker 17 Yes, Mr. Fun.

Speaker 11 My sweeties are back in their wrappers, as it were.

Speaker 14 Can we tempt you to volunteer?

Speaker 18 I should cocoa. Come on, Rajal, it's for a worthy cause.

Speaker 10 She won't catch me with my trousers down, thank you.

Speaker 18 What do you mean? She's given you plenty of notice?

Speaker 14 You'll never be as daring as us, Miss Fun.

Speaker 15 Now, I wanted to see Miss Crusoe about the photographer.

Speaker 18 What photographer?

Speaker 8 Oh, yep, here's the details, Miss Doyle. Words of experience with this sort of thing.

Speaker 18 You mean for the Peffling Archive?

Speaker 10 You're not putting those pictures in my archive.

Speaker 2 Shush, Mr.

Speaker 15 Funn. Surely in your profession, you can't be disturbed by the human body.

Speaker 10 The dead don't do calendars. That's the first thing they teach you about undertaking.

Speaker 18 Wait, what body? What calendars?

Speaker 15 Must be off now. Lots to organise.

Speaker 11 I'll see you at the hall tomorrow, Miss Crusoe.

Speaker 8 Let's hope it's not too drafty in there.

Speaker 18 Why would that matter?

Speaker 14 Well, you may be happy to get your kit off in the cold, Miss Fun, but I'm not sure about the rest of us.

Speaker 9 Too lou!

Speaker 18 Oh no.

Speaker 8 Antigone?

Speaker 18 Photographer, December, chest out, kit off, wrappers, sweeties. Won't they be a bit transparent? Oh, God, Georgie, what have I done?

Speaker 8 You've agreed to appear in a naked calendar. Oh

Speaker 8 no!

Speaker 5 Antigone went to bed that night a nervous wreck, faced with a terrible conundrum. On the one hand, she hated letting people down, but on the other, she liked keeping her clothes on at all times.

Speaker 5 It was a tricky situation all round.

Speaker 5 The next morning, however, she made her decision.

Speaker 18 It's no good, Madeline. I can't go through with it.
Nobody wants to see me of all people in the.

Speaker 18 you know.

Speaker 18 Exactly. I'm gonna find Agatha at the hall and tell her she's got the wrong end of the stick.
My body should be left to the imagination. In fact, I'm not even comfortable with that.

Speaker 18 I may have been born without clothes, but I'm sure it was an oversight. I even get washed in the dark.

Speaker 18 Why, yes, I do fall over sometimes, but it's a small price to pay for dignity. Oh, here.
Georgie!

Speaker 8 Oh, hi, Aunt Sigane.

Speaker 8 Are you gonna get your picture taken?

Speaker 18 Christ, Georgie, cover yourself. Have you no shame?

Speaker 9 Not really.

Speaker 8 Besides, we just had ours done.

Speaker 6 Ours? Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM, doing my bit for Fair Beauty.

Speaker 18 Oh, my God, I don't know where to look.

Speaker 9 Relax.

Speaker 8 You cover the naughty bits with props. Jen nearly dropped her speakers, but we managed in the end.

Speaker 6 Oh, I could get used to being like this.

Speaker 18 Unless it reads. Look, I need to see Agatha immediately.
Where is she?

Speaker 8 In there.

Speaker 8 You might want to open your eyes so you can see where you're going.

Speaker 18 No, thank you.

Speaker 8 Told you.

Speaker 9 Oh,

Speaker 9 my

Speaker 2 gosh. Miss Fun!

Speaker 2 You're not due until tomorrow.

Speaker 15 Not trying to jump the queue, are you?

Speaker 18 Miss Dora, you're.

Speaker 9 That's right.

Speaker 15 In the roar. Mine's up next.

Speaker 14 Once they've finished with Nigel and Dick.

Speaker 16 It's like being back with Nick and Ostesi.

Speaker 9 Strike a pose.

Speaker 15 Everybody's thrown themselves into the spirit of the thing. So liberating.
You'll see for yourself tomorrow.

Speaker 22 Yes, well, about that, I'm actually.

Speaker 2 A little apprehensive. No need.

Speaker 19 Let me introduce you to the photographer.

Speaker 2 I say, Sin!

Speaker 9 Kooey!

Speaker 19 Sen, such a sweetheart. I think they said Sin Sinjin, but they tend to drop the last bit for dramatic effect.

Speaker 22 Agatha, doll! We all start to make some magic?

Speaker 15 Yes, I brought some handcuffs and a jar of jelly beans.

Speaker 22 Well, in that case, let's stick the photo shoot and head straight for a good night in.

Speaker 16 No, no, stop it, stop it.

Speaker 14 I want to present Antigone Fun, alias Ms. December.

Speaker 9 Uh-huh,

Speaker 22 our very own winter queen.

Speaker 18 Winter what now?

Speaker 22 Glad to meet you, Antigone. I'm Sin?

Speaker 2 They then.

Speaker 22 Loving your look.

Speaker 22 Don't tell me. You're a model already, yes?

Speaker 18 No, I'm a mortician.

Speaker 18 Genuine mortar is she?

Speaker 22 God, you're using shadow like Marlena Dietrich.

Speaker 2 How'd you do it?

Speaker 18 Uh, practice, probably.

Speaker 22 And look at that skin. Very ethereal.
Georgie? Yeah, we're gonna need the reflectors for this one. On it.

Speaker 9 It's just visibility thing.

Speaker 22 You know, making sure you're

Speaker 22 visible and all that.

Speaker 18 What if I don't want to be visible?

Speaker 2 I imagine Miss Fanny's nervous about tomorrow.

Speaker 22 That's natural, Antigone. But you'll be absolutely fine.

Speaker 9 Really? Really?

Speaker 22 As soon as your clothes hit the floor and you feel the air on your poticelli, I'd be surprised if you give it a second thought.

Speaker 18 Yes. See, let me explain why you're wrong.

Speaker 22 Ah, and by the way, our only do tasteful. Nothing dirty, nothing dodge.
Your comfort's all important.

Speaker 22 That's why we've splashed some cash to have the heat none.

Speaker 15 You can see it's made a difference.

Speaker 9 Well, exactly.

Speaker 18 I appreciate it, really, but this was a mistake. I ought to be doing something else for the cause, like running a store or catching spiders.

Speaker 9 Ho, ho, ho, ho, Antigone, stop.

Speaker 24 Breathe, okay?

Speaker 18 Breathing's hard.

Speaker 22 I know, but look, maybe this isn't for you. Or maybe it is and you haven't worked it out yet.
Either way, nobody's going to pressure you to do this.

Speaker 9 I am. No, you're not.

Speaker 22 So, Antigone, you have a ponder, and if tomorrow you fancy getting your drag off and camping up a storm, we'll be glad to see you, okay?

Speaker 9 But now,

Speaker 22 we're running a teeny bit behind schedule. Desiree and Niger really got into the groove, and we were like,

Speaker 22 So, Officer Doyle, at last your trial awaits. Ah, hereby charge you with being fabulous.

Speaker 14 You've got me ganged to rights.

Speaker 22 Georgie, get ready with the sweet new wrapper avalanche. See you soon, Winter Queen.
Prepare to get Regal.

Speaker 18 Yes, but I don't feel very Regal.

Speaker 5 Antigone trudged away from the hall feeling more conflicted than ever. Fortunately, a Thursday night meant a trip to the cinema to try and get her mind off things.

Speaker 18 It's a nightmare, Herbert.

Speaker 12 Or like the one where you're in front of the class and suddenly you're not wearing any clothes.

Speaker 25 Exactly.

Speaker 18 Why would anyone want to put themselves in that position? Being pointed and laughed at? You're a pallid, blue-skinned freak, and your elbows are bony.

Speaker 12 Has anyone ever said that to you?

Speaker 18 No, but they could do. I bet Georgie never worries about it.
Or Jennifer or the Mayor or anyone else. Oh, they were all having a wonderful time.

Speaker 18 Why do they all have to be so cheerful and confident and normal? It's sickening.

Speaker 12 Was it cold in there?

Speaker 18 No, why do you ask?

Speaker 12 I'm having mine done tomorrow. I'm July.

Speaker 12 I'm not exactly Mr. Universe, but I don't care.
It's a laugh, isn't it? And maybe I'll meet some people.

Speaker 18 Better you than me.

Speaker 12 Anyway, there's no such thing as normal, is there? At least that's what our film tonight says. La vie au naturelle.
Very artistic. Yeah, I was inspired by the calendar.

Speaker 18 One ticket, please.

Speaker 10 Yeah, don't worry.

Speaker 12 The subtitles cover up the most interesting bits.

Speaker 12 No such thing as normal.

Speaker 9 Meet some people. I'm July.
Antigone! Hello!

Speaker 9 Chairman,

Speaker 10 why are you here? I hoped I might bump into you, to be honest. Where else would you be on a Thursday?

Speaker 9 Care to join me?

Speaker 2 Oh, why not?

Speaker 18 Quite frankly, you're one of the only people I've met today who's managed to keep their clothes on.

Speaker 10 Gosh, you lead an exciting life.

Speaker 9 Popcorn?

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 18 I can't say I'm looking forward to the film either.

Speaker 10 It's not a classic, but it might give me some inspiration for tomorrow. I'm getting photographed for the naked camera.

Speaker 10 Great idea, isn't it? And all the proceeds go towards restoring Abigail Abernathy to her rightful place. Apparently, she was the first woman on Piflo.

Speaker 18 To practice science, yes, I know that, Chapman. I studied her at school.
She was one of my heroes.

Speaker 9 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 18 Her insights led to revolutionary techniques in the arts of embalming. We owe her a great deal.
Except now,

Speaker 18 when I've got the chance to repay her, turns out I can't bring myself to do it.

Speaker 10 You mean the calendar?

Speaker 18 I'm supposed to go in tomorrow, but

Speaker 18 it's more difficult than they all seem to think it is.

Speaker 10 Perhaps it isn't for you.

Speaker 18 I'm tired of things not being for me.

Speaker 10 Do you want to do it?

Speaker 18 Yes.

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 18 I don't know.

Speaker 10 Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm fairly anxious about it, too.

Speaker 18 You'll be able to anyway. You're brave like everyone else.
None of them are scared.

Speaker 10 I wouldn't say bravery is a matter of not being scared. It's being afraid, but doing it anyway.
You used to wear a protective suit to go outdoors, remember?

Speaker 18 So I should walk around with nothing on now?

Speaker 9 No.

Speaker 10 Well, that's your choice. But what I meant is, you've been scared in the past and you've overcome it.

Speaker 18 That was different. Nobody was taking pictures.

Speaker 10 All I'm saying is, don't tell yourself you can't do it. If there's a part of you that really wants to try it and fear is the only thing holding you back, then I say go for it.

Speaker 18 It sounds so simple when you say.

Speaker 13 And take a name.

Speaker 10 Evening, Redyard.

Speaker 9 What are you doing here?

Speaker 10 Watching a movie about nudists on the Cote d'Azur. Good God, it's contagious.
Surely films are the last place you'd expect to find people getting undressed.

Speaker 18 But what do you want?

Speaker 10 To tell you, I shall be working late at the hall.

Speaker 10 This is the only way I'll get anything done. Not enjoying the photo shoot, then? No, I'm not.
I can't get through a single file without a shout or a brazier being flung over my head.

Speaker 10 The mess they've made is an outrage. And that photographer.
What's the matter with them?

Speaker 18 They're insufferable.

Speaker 10 Upbeat, enthusiastic, non-stop cries of support. The place feels like a hippie loving.

Speaker 18 You're such a prune.

Speaker 10 Some of us have work to do, and I'm behind on my schedule. The sooner they clear out, the better.

Speaker 18 This calendar is bringing people together for a good and wonderful cause.

Speaker 26 Don't be absurd.

Speaker 18 It's not absurd.

Speaker 18 As a matter of fact,

Speaker 18 I've got news for you. It's getting my wholehearted support.
I'm going to keep my appointment and appear in that calendar.

Speaker 18 You can't? Why not? You think I'm scared? Well, I am scared, and that's exactly why I'm doing it, dammit. Good night!

Speaker 10 That is a bag of strokes. Well, belligerence worked where sentiment failed.
You've outdone yourself again.

Speaker 9 Chapman, I haven't time to decode your asinine jokes.

Speaker 10 If you'll excuse me, I shall take my popcorn.

Speaker 9 Hey, that's my popcorn.

Speaker 2 Prove it. But

Speaker 10 I knew I should have kept the receipt.

Speaker 5 Antiquity was as good as her word, and the next morning, she set out with a sort of steely determination you only get when a mortician decides to appear in a charity calendar.

Speaker 22 Georgie babe, can you jump in and have a vada at the lights?

Speaker 2 And why has Herbert disappeared now?

Speaker 8 He nips out to buy some carrots. For props? No, for his donkey.

Speaker 22 Oh, great shout.

Speaker 25 We'll have to use that.

Speaker 22 Stick Herbert on his back, ladydiver.

Speaker 2 Love it? Love it.

Speaker 22 This is what I live for.

Speaker 22 Okay, people, we've got a lot of months to shoot today, so let's stay fresh and focused.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's funny.

Speaker 22 All of a sudden, I feel a sort of chill.

Speaker 9 Hello?

Speaker 8 Hey, Antigone, you made it.

Speaker 18 As you see, I'm here at last to face my fears.

Speaker 8 And how's that working out for you?

Speaker 18 I'm terrified, but crucially, still here. When do I have to...

Speaker 22 Once we're assembled, you all lose your clobber at the same time, okay?

Speaker 22 All except Ms. Doyle, because she didn't put them back on again in the first place.

Speaker 9 Clothing with with social control.

Speaker 18 Renounce it.

Speaker 22 She's not wrong. Now, come on, Winter Queen, let's get you some props.
What's your weapon of choice? Oh, uh, I've got some purple lilies or a polystyrene crow.

Speaker 22 That's from a shoot I did last week for over 80 Satanists in Keswick. Very funereal, very on-brand.

Speaker 18 But neither seems that they provide much coverage.

Speaker 22 Well, if they did, then there wouldn't be much point in getting our togs off.

Speaker 22 You okay? You've gone paler than usual, which is quite an achievement.

Speaker 18 Well, that's because I got cold feet. This was a bad idea.

Speaker 22 No, it wasn't. You've got this.
Have I? Let's do a quick lighting test. Stand here, don't move.
We want to make those skin tones pop. Georgie, flash gun.
What?

Speaker 9 Gun!

Speaker 2 How's that?

Speaker 18 So-so. I'm seeing spots.
I'm going blind. I'll have to go home.

Speaker 10 No, you won't. It'll pass in a tick.

Speaker 9 You'll be okay.

Speaker 18 Shavelin, is that you?

Speaker 22 Hey, September. Glad to see ya.

Speaker 10 Feeling ready? I'm ready as I'll ever be. I haven't been this nervous since I went skydiving with the Dalai Lama.
He was naked too. Can I move now?

Speaker 22 Oh, not yet, Antigone. For some reason, you're still in shadow.

Speaker 18 But the lights are dazzling.

Speaker 22 Yes, it's beyond the laws of physics, but let's see what we can do. Flash gun!

Speaker 22 Worse. Look at those shadows.

Speaker 9 Antigone, are you in there?

Speaker 18 Yes, just check in.

Speaker 22 Keep playing with the levels, Georgie.

Speaker 10 Will do.

Speaker 9 Great.

Speaker 22 Everyone, we'll be kicking off soon. Keep covered till then, if you can stand it.
Now, we're on a strict timeline, so where's Herbert with those carrots? And what about the dolly from the circus?

Speaker 18 From the circus?

Speaker 22 Yeah, top hat, big boots, camp with the capital king.

Speaker 10 You mean Marlena Magdalena?

Speaker 10 I am here.

Speaker 2 No!

Speaker 25 Where do you want me?

Speaker 22 Marlena, over there. Georgie, another test.
Antigone, relax.

Speaker 18 Really didn't imagine there'd be so many people. The more, the merrier.

Speaker 22 Make a wish, Winter Queen.

Speaker 9 What do you mean?

Speaker 22 Flash gun!

Speaker 22 Got it. Ah, we've got it.
Antigone, you're beautiful. And Georgie, you're a marvel.

Speaker 8 I'm great at lighting naked people.

Speaker 22 On that subject, listen up, supermodels. The moment has come.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And for us, that means getting our gear off.

Speaker 18 Slowly over time? Nope.

Speaker 22 Quickly, like ripping off a plaster. Except, it's fun and doesn't hurt.
Are we all ready?

Speaker 12 Yes, yes.

Speaker 22 On the count of three, then.

Speaker 18 Actually, I'm feeling woozy.

Speaker 9 One,

Speaker 18 very woozy. Two.

Speaker 18 Very, very woozy.

Speaker 2 Three.

Speaker 9 Oh god, I'm gonna go. Jesus Christ, you're gonna be a good one.

Speaker 22 Queenie, Queenie, speak to us.

Speaker 18 Are you okay?

Speaker 8 Antigone.

Speaker 2 I'm back.

Speaker 12 Sorry to keep you all waiting. I've got the carrots, Mr.
Crumble.

Speaker 9 What did I miss?

Speaker 5 Overwhelmed and under pressure, Antigone's brain had switched off until the coast was clear. She woke up a while later, having been taken outside for some much needed fresh air.

Speaker 8 She's coming round. Easy does it, Antigone?

Speaker 23 Yeah, you hit the deck really hard back there.

Speaker 18 How long have I been out?

Speaker 22 Um, pretty much all day.

Speaker 25 All day?

Speaker 8 Yeah, you were out like a light. We sent for the doctor, but he just said, God, I envy her, and left some aspirin.

Speaker 18 I'm sorry.

Speaker 9 Don't be.

Speaker 22 The room was stuffy. Could have happened to anyone.
Listen, I'd better head inside to wrap things up.

Speaker 8 Sure. See you in a bit.

Speaker 23 Take care, Winter Queen.

Speaker 22 It's all gonna be fine.

Speaker 18 It's not there, is it? I couldn't even stay conscious. Better learn alone get my picture taken.

Speaker 9 Come on, mate.

Speaker 8 You've not done anything like this before. I'm proud of you for trying.
The Antigone I first met years ago would never have even left the mortuary.

Speaker 18 Perhaps I should have stayed there.

Speaker 8 Boy, blast of that.

Speaker 18 Wanted to do this. But then I'd hear these voices saying, look at her, how weird, how...

Speaker 18 ugly.

Speaker 18 So maybe hiding away is the best thing for me. Out of sight, out of mind.

Speaker 25 Would you care for second opinion, creepy girl?

Speaker 9 Malena?

Speaker 8 Hey, thanks for coming. How was the shoot?

Speaker 25 Most satisfactory. They said I looked hot as, which is correct.
Then I got dressed, was about to go home when I heard the sound of an old friend talking rubbish.

Speaker 18 I'm not talking rubbish.

Speaker 25 Creepy girl, why must you always complicate things? Funerals, plays, getting photographs taken.

Speaker 18 It wasn't just a photograph.

Speaker 25 Then please please tell us what it was. Why don't you?

Speaker 18 It was an opportunity to

Speaker 18 celebrate Abigail Abernathy.

Speaker 25 Ah, that isn't what you mean. Try again.

Speaker 8 Careful, Marlena. It's all right.

Speaker 18 If you really must know, I wanted to see what I'm really, actually made of.

Speaker 9 To prove yourself.

Speaker 25 If you like. Too vague.
That's too vague. What are we proving? That you can take your clothes off for the camera? What is it?

Speaker 6 That I'm strong enough. For what?

Speaker 18 To be seen. To be actually seen and noticed and seen.
I want people to see me. I want people to say, oh yes, I know who that that is.
Candles and books and chocolates and theater.

Speaker 18 I've done all these things. And I want to be noticed, but I want to be bloody well seen.

Speaker 9 Ah, yes.

Speaker 18 Being physically exposed is scary enough.

Speaker 25 But what if you realize you're not strong enough to be the person you want to be?

Speaker 25 Yes?

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 8 May, you're not being fair to yourself. This was intense.

Speaker 18 I look at bodies all the time at work. Naked ones, dead ones on a slab, and I never faint.

Speaker 25 Exactly. You are braver than anyone else I know.
If you can slice up bodies without throwing up, then you are strong enough to do this photo shoot. And you want to.

Speaker 18 I don't have the right kind of body for it.

Speaker 25 Are you a ghost? A hologram. A figment of imagination.
What do you mean? Anyone with a body has the right kind of body.

Speaker 8 Seconded.

Speaker 18 I'm scrawny, pale. My hair is a mess.

Speaker 25 You're elegant, gothic. Your hair is wild.
Do not hide. Own what you have, creepy girl, because it is glorious.

Speaker 8 Sure is, mate.

Speaker 18 Thank you.

Speaker 9 Sake, I wish they'd hurry up in there. How long do they take to shoot some pictures?

Speaker 8 It's a fine art.

Speaker 10 It's a nuisance. I've done everything in my power to move things along, so why are they still at it?

Speaker 18 Hey, because they're waiting for December.

Speaker 18 And they've waited long enough.

Speaker 15 We can't sell a calendar with only 11 months in it. Eventually, someone's bound to notice.

Speaker 22 Unless there's someone else up the sleeve you're not wearing.

Speaker 9 Eleven months is all we have.

Speaker 20 Oh, we could bring back the donkey.

Speaker 15 Do animals count?

Speaker 22 They're basically naked already. Takes all the drama out.

Speaker 22 No, as things stand, this calendar's a bus.

Speaker 9 Not anymore.

Speaker 22 Well, hello, Winter Queen.

Speaker 19 Oh, Miss Fun,

Speaker 4 you're back.

Speaker 14 And you appear to be...

Speaker 2 For want of a better word, ready.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 22 You sure you're up to this?

Speaker 18 Hand me those lilies and that polystyrene crow. I want to get my picture taken.
You heard the woman?

Speaker 18 Let's make magic.

Speaker 5 And so the calendar was completed. And it was a roaring success.
Pre-orders were through the roof. And it wasn't long until both the statue and the calendar were made ready for their adoring public.

Speaker 9 It is with enormous pride that we mark the reinstatement of Abigail Abernathy as she would have wished to be remembered, defiant to the last.

Speaker 9 We couldn't have done it without all your support. I give you the Pipling Uncovered Community Calendar.
I'll never forget a date again.

Speaker 9 Form an orderly queue and have your receipts ready.

Speaker 22 You've never seen anything like this, I promise you.

Speaker 9 Oh, don't we all look splendid?

Speaker 19 Well, Miss Fun,

Speaker 21 I'd say we can be jolly proud of what we've achieved here, wouldn't you?

Speaker 18 We can indeed, Miss Doyle.

Speaker 20 By the way, you're not wearing heels, are you?

Speaker 9 No, why? You look

Speaker 20 taller, somehow. Suit you.

Speaker 14 Well, try to keep it up.

Speaker 10 Hey, you two. Have you seen that crowd? Climbing.

Speaker 20 Mr. Chapman, nabbed your calendar.

Speaker 10 Just about. Everyone on Piffling must have bought one.
I've already been been asked for my autograph.

Speaker 18 Twice. That can't be new for you.

Speaker 10 You don't know what they asked me to autograph.

Speaker 9 Antigone!

Speaker 10 Antigone! Rudyard's calling you.

Speaker 18 Oh, ignore him. He just wants to complain as usual.

Speaker 14 I wouldn't be too sure about that.

Speaker 18 Eh, what do you mean?

Speaker 20 Take a look at November.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 10 Why?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 10 It's Rudyard.

Speaker 14 How did this happen?

Speaker 21 He did it on his tea break.

Speaker 20 He said pitching in was the only way he could see of getting the whole thing over with.

Speaker 18 You mean Rudyard posed for a naked calendar just so he could get some work done?

Speaker 10 That's ludicrous.

Speaker 2 Antigone!

Speaker 2 Don't look at the calendar!

Speaker 16 Antigone! Good grief!

Speaker 20 As I said before, it's always the quiet ones.

Speaker 5 And as the village began their revels, another chapter had seemingly come to an end.

Speaker 5 Except.

Speaker 18 Okay,

Speaker 8 that's all our orders fulfilled, and even a few left over for the Taurists.

Speaker 9 Not bad.

Speaker 8 Now, where's Jen?

Speaker 9 Hello there.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, so sorry.

Speaker 7 Do you mind if I look at that calendar?

Speaker 9 Sure, go ahead. Thank you.

Speaker 4 Limey.

Speaker 8 Great, innit? I hope you do them every year.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 15 That's certainly given me a lot to think about.

Speaker 6 What's up?

Speaker 9 Oh,

Speaker 15 nothing.

Speaker 1 Thought I recognised someone.

Speaker 2 Uh, I want to make a call, but there's no reception.

Speaker 8 Nah, you won't get any unless you're in the vicar's bathroom.

Speaker 25 There's a phone booth over there, though.

Speaker 2 Thanks for the help.

Speaker 1 He's seeing you.

Speaker 8 No problem.

Speaker 9 Bye.

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 it's safe to say that February is now officially the hottest month of the year, eh, Georgie?

Speaker 8 Damn right it is.

Speaker 9 Who is that, by the way?

Speaker 6 Dunno.

Speaker 8 I haven't seen them before.

Speaker 6 Hello, sir.

Speaker 9 It's me.

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 7 I've reached the island.

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 7 Look, you remember that little matter we discussed before I left?

Speaker 7 Well, I think you were on to something.

Speaker 9 That's right.

Speaker 9 Eric Chapman.

Speaker 7 I do believe we've found him.

Speaker 6 If it is him, sir,

Speaker 7 what should we do?

Speaker 2 Yes?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 18 Understood?

Speaker 18 No.

Speaker 15 I can't remember when I saw him last.

Speaker 18 Must have been

Speaker 7 a long time ago.

Speaker 7 In the Buff was written by Molly Beth Morosa, with editing and additional material by David K. Barnes.

Speaker 7 It was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Alison Skilbeck as Agatha Doyle, Eleanor Fay as Sin, Andy Hamilton as Herbert Koff, Emily Stride as Marlena Magdalena, Sean Baker as The Mayor, Andy Seacomb as Reverend Wavering, Alana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix, and Introducing Amy Roxon as Zoe Adayinka, with Belinda Lang as Madeline, and Mouse Squeaking by Holly Campbell.

Speaker 7 The production manager was Elizabeth Campbell, and the music was composed by James Whittle.

Speaker 7 The programme was recorded at the Octagon, Brixton, and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 3 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Speaker 26 Packages by Expedia. You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 26 We were made to easily bundle your trip. Expedia.
Made to travel. Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.