Season 3 Episode 8: Putting the Funn in Funerals

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Hey, y'all, Darius Rucker here.

You know, a lot of people ask me, what inspires your music?

And one of the big things is a strong sense of place.

That's why I love my home state of South Carolina and want to share the awesome things it has to offer.

From the beautiful mountains down to the sunny coast, it's got it all.

Not to mention two of my personal favorites: great golf and amazing food.

Come see why I love this place.

Visit discoversouthcarolina.com.

You did something for the first time.

Georgie Crusoe works at a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale.

It used to be the only one.

It isn't anymore.

The village prepares for an upcoming wedding and all are keen to celebrate.

But for Georgie, it's a difficult time.

Her nana has passed away, which means Georgie has a choice she hoped she'd never have to make.

Chapmans

or fun funerals.

Wooden Overcoats by David K.

Barnes

Season 3 Episode 8 Putting the Fun in Funerals

Hi

Yes?

What is it?

Uh I come in about the sign.

The sign?

Yeah.

What sign would this be?

The one in the window.

If you're here to cause trouble, I ought to warn you.

I purchased sweets from the local police.

The sign says you need an assistant.

Oh, that sign.

Is it still there?

Have you filled the position?

No, I'd just forgotten about the sign.

So, how long has it been there?

Well, I wouldn't say you were the first to reply.

Wouldn't you?

No, I wouldn't say it.

So, where can you start?

Don't you wanna interview me?

I thought I'd just done it.

Uh.

No, yep, I can see you're a stickler for detail.

Don't worry, you'll fit right in.

Now.

My pencil is broken.

I would like to use yours.

Got a pen.

It's a bit flash.

I'll use my memory instead.

We've met before, haven't we?

Never.

Thought so.

I've only been here half an hour.

Manana's finding us a place to stay.

You have family?

Just my nana.

We're strong swimmers.

Is that relevant?

That's how we got here.

No, that doesn't intrigue me.

So, name?

Georgie Crusoe.

Experience?

Yes.

In pretty much everything.

Have you ever worked in a funeral home before?

Not yet, but I picked things up quickly.

We've got a reputation to maintain, you know.

After all, we're the only funeral home on the island.

Long may it stay that way.

I'm sure I'll be up to your standards.

I hope you will.

The people here expect us to get the body and the coffin in the ground on time.

That's our motto.

I came up with it.

It's clever.

It is, isn't it?

Good.

Now, you'll be expected to work at least five days days a week, eight till six, with possible overtime on weekends.

The overtime will be unpaid because we're a business, not a charity.

You'll be working for minimum wage, which are competitive rates from a certain point of view.

And that's Madeline.

She's a mouse.

Any questions?

No.

Then we'll get on just fine.

We haven't got a contract because we haven't got a printer, and I refuse to pay what they're charging at the post office.

But if you want to leave your position with us, then just give me 12 months' notice.

Do you have a national insurance number?

Yeah.

Well, I don't understand them, so you won't need that.

Okay, I think that's all.

Welcome to the farm, Miss Crusoe.

Cheers, whoever you are.

I am Rudyard Funn of fun funerals.

We go back to the 15th century.

Whilst we may be in the 21st, I'd prefer it if you didn't go on about it.

Sure.

So, it's just the three of us, is it?

You, me, and the mouse?

No.

The four of us.

Who's the four?

Hello.

Ah!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I didn't mean to, sorry.

How long have you been standing there?

About an hour.

What, really?

Yes.

My sister and Tickenie fun of fun funerals.

She works in the mortuary, so you won't see much of her.

Okay.

What's it like out there?

Out where?

Out there in the light.

Uh, it's great.

It doesn't look great.

Well, I can take it or leave it, really.

I see.

Do you know what dust is made of?

No.

Us.

That'll be the fun.

Now, look here, what?

Yes?

Yes?

Okay, we'll be right over.

Mrs.

Leamington has died from an overdose of bath salts.

She's still in the bath, and her children want to wash, so we better get over there fast.

I'll pick the mortuary.

And we'll get the body.

Miss Crusoe, it's time to see what you can do.

Well, don't just stand there, chop, chop.

Miss Crusoe.

Miss Crusoe.

Miss Crusoe.

Miss Crusoe.

And then Miss Miss Crusoe.

Miss Crusoe.

Miss Crusoe, could you wake up, please?

I set my desk on fire.

I was miles away.

Have my glass of water.

Thank you.

That's much better.

Cigar?

Not for me, thanks.

Georgie sat back and rubbed her eyes again.

It had been a demanding week.

But life carried on, she told herself.

Yes, life carried on.

Where were we?

We were organizing the seating plan for the wedding reception when you began to snore.

I haven't been able to sleep much.

I quite understand.

Under the.

you know.

Yeah.

Perhaps you ought to go home and get some rest.

Nah, are we all right?

The seating plan can wait.

It's not important.

Just make sure you don't sit Bill at our table.

I can tell he wants Nigel's job, but he won't get it.

Nah,

I don't really like being at home at the moment.

No.

No, of course.

Kind of feels a bit.

Empty?

Yeah.

Besides the dog.

How is Timmy?

He's quiet.

Well...

I find sitting under the desk for a while can work wonders.

I could leave you to it.

Nah, it's not my scene.

No.

No.

Well, it's not for everybody, is it?

Of course, my sister kicked the um, I mean, well, she uh passed on not too long ago.

You must miss her.

Hmm.

Bet she'd have loved to go to the wedding, eh?

No, I don't think she would have.

She had old-fashioned views.

But I've got my Nigel now, and that means everything to me.

I'm glad.

Oh, here, um, I've uh...

I've got something for you.

I was going to give it to you at the reception, but, um...

Oh, you didn't have to.

No, but I wanted to.

Can I open it?

Yes, please do.

I knew how much you like likes, you see.

So I got you.

The toy bicycle.

It's a red one.

Aww.

Thanks, Mr.

Mayor.

Don't mention it.

You deserve the full set.

Come on, then.

Let's look at his seating plan.

Morning all.

Oh, Eric, lad.

Hey, Eric.

How's that best man speech coming along, eh?

Oh,

oh, coming together?

Yes.

It's a dazzler.

Chock full of embarrassing stories, I'll bet.

Oh, you've got that right.

Well, that's what it's all about, isn't it?

Enjoying ourselves.

That's what you brought to this village, Eric.

Well, I've imported some more supplies in the helicopter.

There'll be more drinks at your wedding reception and in the rest of the Channel Islands combined.

Marvelous, marvelous.

Pull up a chair.

Have a cigar.

I think I've got the hang of them now.

Up.

We're on fire again.

Well played.

I always keep a spyglass.

Actually, Georgie, can I have have a quick word?

Does it have to be with me?

Yes.

Fine.

This won't take long, your worship.

Please take your time.

Hey, nice bicycle.

It's a red one, I know.

Eric, if we're going to...

Oh, sure.

Back in just a tick-toes.

I look forward to it.

Oh, and Miss Crusoe?

Yeah?

After your chat, do go and put your feet up somewhere.

The vicarage is always open if you need it.

I can keep working.

I want to be a help.

You're always a help to me, Miss Cruiser.

Cheers, Mr.

Mayor.

Get some rest.

I'll see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

Come on, then, Eric.

Okay, then, what do you want?

It's kind of a delicate matter.

It's not if you get to the point.

Your grandmother's funeral.

What about it?

When would you like it to happen?

I don't mind.

When's good for you?

Well, I don't mind either, so when works best for you.

I just said I don't mind.

I said, I don't.

It's your job to mind.

You've had the body for days, you're asking me now.

I wanted to give you some time to do it.

I don't need any time, Eric.

Just set the funeral and I'll be there, all right?

Alright.

It'll be me and the dog and nobody else because she didn't have anyone else.

Well, I heard she had friends.

Ships that pass in the night.

They won't be coming.

So don't plan anything fancy.

Just get the body in the coffin in the

Georgie.

What, Eric?

I don't have to do it.

What?

Is that some kind of threat?

What is that?

No, it isn't.

I'm just saying.

It's a funeral, Eric.

Can you just get on with it so I don't have to think about it anymore?

Would you like the funds to do it?

That's what I'm asking you.

I know your grandma.

Nana.

I know Nana pre-booked her funeral with me a while ago, and I am perfectly willing to continue with it if that's also your wish.

But I totally understand if you'd rather it was conducted by

someone other than me.

It's not about you, it's about Nana.

I know.

Would you like the funds to do it?

If you prefer that, we can do that.

Or if not, then I'll get on with it.

I just wanted to give you that option.

Well,

you'll do it better, won't you?

I'll do whatever you want.

I'll think about it.

Sure thing.

I'll get back to the mayor.

Thanks, Ford.

Yes?

Talking through the options.

I'm sorry she's gone.

I know.

If you ever want to talk to me, which you won't, but if you do, then my place has a bar and drinks are on the house.

And in fact, I don't even need to be there at all.

So,

yeah.

Yeah.

Cheers.

Chapman.

It's all right.

Talk to you later.

Hey, Madeline.

Still following me?

I'm okay, thanks for asking.

And now I'm going for a walk.

See you around.

I knew I had to leave Georgie alone to her thoughts, so I simply crossed the square and arrived back home at fun funerals.

It had been a gloomy old place recently.

Well, gloomier than usual.

Georgie had taken time off so as not to be around

that kind of thing.

Still, I was a little surprised that she hadn't come by to say say hello.

Things had ground to a halt without her, as they had done in the past.

But Rudyard was keeping himself busy.

That should do it.

Well, then.

Pass me the glue, Antigone.

Still hard at work, I see.

Yes, I am.

I'm determined to get this next piece finished within the afternoon.

Come on.

I said, pass me the glue.

I can't.

Why?

It's stuck to my hand.

Well, just scrape some along the end of this bit.

There.

Roger, are you sure this is normal?

Are you going to tell me it isn't?

You're making tiny items of furniture for a mouse.

It's a constructive use of my time.

Now, I'll just leave that glue to set, and we'll have another chest of drawers for Madeline.

How many have you made so far?

Ten!

Aren't you at least going to make her a table or something?

Anybody can make a table.

A tiny chest of drawers takes real skill.

What's she going to put in them?

Tiny clothes, tiny catlery,

straw.

You've been doing this all week?

Yes, and I've come a long way.

If I carry on like this, I could make a real career out of it.

I could give up the funeral directing entirely.

Oh, thanks a lot.

And what would I do?

Direct plays and write pornography.

Yes, that'd be nice.

We shouldn't limit ourselves, you know.

Just because we've been doing something all our lives doesn't mean we should keep doing it.

But it'd be such a waste.

It'd be even more of a waste if we kept on doing it.

Now is the time to draw a line in the sand and say, no more.

My life has meaning.

I will make furniture for

mice.

I miss Georgie.

So do I.

Do you think she'll ask us?

She hasn't yet.

We can't mention it.

Could we?

No.

We can't mention it.

But if she did ask us.

If she did ask us.

We'd do it properly.

Would we?

Wouldn't we?

When you consider the alternative.

We could still do it better.

We could learn to be better.

It'd still be too late for Georgie.

If she believed in us, she'd be here.

She's got a lot on her mind right now.

And we shouldn't add anything to it.

I think it's time I made some more drawers.

Can I make some too?

Hello.

Hey.

How have you both been?

Oh.

So soon.

You?

Roger.

I'm fine.

Really?

Fine.

Is that a tiny chest of drawers?

Yes.

It's good, isn't it?

Pretty swish.

Do you want anything?

I was just dropping by.

Oh, no, I meant coffee or tea or coffee or something.

We still have a kettle, you see.

You should return it.

That's council property.

Yes, I suppose we should.

We will.

We will.

But for the moment, would you like anything?

Nah.

By the way, I appreciate you giving me this time off work.

Well, it isn't as if we've any funerals coming up, eh?

I.

He meant work.

Yep, work.

We have no work.

Which is fine.

For the moment.

We're not looking for work.

Well, we are.

Not specific work.

Not specific word, no, so you're absolutely fine.

Not fine, Shimmy.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

We're fine.

Why?

Making furniture

mice.

You're wondering about the funeral.

No.

No.

We don't know what you're talking about.

What funeral?

That's too much.

Chapman's still got it.

I mean, he's got her,

and she did book it with him, so

it's probably easier if

fair enough.

Is it?

Well, yes.

In the circumstances.

We'll do a decent job.

I mean,

I don't like what he does, or the way he does it, but as a professional,

he succeeds in what he sets out to do.

You've never said anything like that before.

Well, I'm saying it now.

You'll have nothing to fear by going with Chapman's.

But you already know.

And we don't.

Don't what?

Don't what?

Mind?

No, we don't mind.

We understand.

Completely.

And genuinely.

It's like you've given up.

No.

No.

Yes.

Yes.

Maybe.

We're still thinking about it.

You?

Giving up?

Now?

Seemed an appropriate juncture.

We've been thinking and.

thinking, so.

Wait, you're giving up entirely?

What about my job?

Oh.

Well, we'll learn new skills together.

You're great at that.

And we'll learn to be great at learning.

We haven't entirely thought this through.

No, I can see that.

I came here to ask if you wanted to do it.

To do it?

My nama's funeral.

I came here to ask if you wanted to do it.

You want us to do it?

I want you to fight for it.

The competition?

Oh.

No, that never comes out well for us.

I know, I've been there.

Every time.

I haven't put all this effort into working with you so you can chuck it away.

I don't mean a competition, I mean I need you to want it.

We do want it.

No, you don't.

You're giving up.

We might not, though.

How can I take you seriously, eh?

How can I take you seriously?

You're giving up.

We're not.

It sounds like you are, aren't you?

No.

Say it then.

We're not giving up.

Louder.

We're not giving up.

And you.

I'm not good at offending.

Say it.

We're not giving up.

Mean it.

We're not giving up.

Roger.

We're not giving up.

Together.

We're not giving up.

Good.

Because you're all I've got now and you're doing my nana's funeral.

You're right with that?

Yes.

I said you're right with that.

Yes.

We'll make it big.

Beautiful.

Spectacular.

We'll give Chapman a run for his money.

You don't need to do that.

Just do it properly.

Just help me say goodbye to my nana.

I'll go and tell Chapman.

See you later.

Well?

Well.

I'm glad we're not giving up.

So am I.

Madeline!

This chest of drawers is going to have to wait.

I didn't mind.

My mouse hole's heaving with them as it is.

Still, I finally had somewhere to put all my straw.

One day it'll increase in value.

Right.

Gosh, right.

Okay, and take a name.

The funeral.

The funeral

special.

We've got to think about

it.

So, Nana Crusoe, what do we know about her?

Um.

I think Georgie once said she traveled a lot.

Yes.

Yes, she did.

Didn't they get here by robot?

The storm's getting worse, Nana!

I can see that, Georgie.

These waves, I don't think we're gonna make it.

Oh, we'll make it.

Hey, hey, hey.

The boat might not, but we will.

I don't even know where we are.

You see up there?

That's the North Star.

See, this direction's north.

That's right.

Now.

Oh!

What?

Oh!

What?

I'll tell you the

Yeah, have we still got the map?

Oh, yes.

Let's shine a light.

Ha ha.

Where are we?

The Channel Islands.

You are.

So after all this, we're only just off the coast of Britain.

Actually, we're closer to France.

We were meant to be traveling around the world.

Right, McGillen.

Mind you, they only started that voyage.

He didn't finish.

No.

He thought we finished.

Oh, that was El Cano.

Who the flips El Cano?

The man who completed the first voyage round the world.

It's incredibly dangerous doing this kind of thing on your own, you know.

Oh, oh, yeah, I can tell that, Nana.

Oh, stop complaining.

I thought you wanted to see the world.

See lots of the world without getting wet?

Commercial flights, that don't count.

You've got to get there by yourself.

Besides, do you know how many changes you have to make to get to Kiribati?

Where's Kiribati?

Off Australia.

Nana, we're off the coast of France in our boats full of water.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Nana, I want dry land.

That's just what we're getting.

Look over there.

Thank Flick for that.

What's it called?

Oh, I'm on there's water on my glasses.

Nana, what's the island called?

Um, Pifflin.

Piffling?

that sounds rubbish, regardless.

I've a feeling that's where we're gonna end up when this next wave hits us.

What wave?

What?

Oh,

hi, Madeline.

What's that?

What time is it?

Hey, lunch was ages ago.

Nah.

You keep that cheese.

But thanks.

I better go and see what that fuss is about.

Georgie left the Vicarage.

She'd gone there for a quick nap a few hours ago, having cancelled her booking with Chapman.

The afternoon had drifted by while she'd been asleep, and the sun would soon be setting.

Georgie followed the sound of the music and slipped into the church.

No, no, no, Miss Trubble!

What was wrong with that?

Well, it was absolutely stirring stuff, but I wanted the wedding march.

That was the wedding march!

No, it wasn't!

Why, Mendelssohn!

Yes, I know who did it, but that wasn't it!

The Reverend Ride Miss Scruple!

Thank you, Georgie.

You see, what I want is dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum.

There we are!

Oh, that, Mendelssohn!

Yes!

So what you want is

Yes!

That's it!

No, no, no!

This seating won't help!

Oh, I'll build a bit of this!

Oh,

you'll eat better!

Hey, Reverend,

thanks for letting me nap on your sofa.

Any time, Georgie.

You looked absolutely shattered.

Still feel it, to be honest.

Fancy a quick stroke outside.

Yeah,

sure.

Miss Scruple,

you just keep playing.

Now, let's mix it up with a splash of shubert.

That's not a.

Oh, whatever.

Shall we?

Don't make all about the wedding.

Oh, don't.

I know we've got a few days to go, but the to-do list is still so long.

And there's always more you haven't thought of.

Usually, some trivial thing.

Have you bought your wedding rings?

Oh, crikey.

I'll get it salted tomorrow.

Thank you, Georgie.

No problem.

And, uh,

how are you faring at the moment?

Oh, you know.

The date hasn't been set yet for the service?

Nah.

We'll get it done before the wedding, though.

I don't want you two delaying your honeymoon because of me.

Oh, don't be silly.

Anything we can do, you know that.

Oh, by the way, Chapman called an hour ago.

Oh, yeah.

He said the funds are doing it for you.

Yeah.

I told him before I came here.

Brave choice.

Nana was a brave lady.

I wish I'd known her better.

She saw the play we did a few weeks ago.

She said you were the best in it.

Ah, a perceptive woman.

I'm told it'll be an intimate service.

Where friends are dead.

Family?

No.

We didn't really belong anywhere.

Mine are all resting in peace right here, sadly.

Mum's down there.

Dad's over by the lake.

Forgot where he was for a while.

My two brothers are on opposite sides.

They didn't get on then.

They hated each other.

They all did.

Ah,

no.

you can't choose your relatives,

but you can still choose your family.

That sounds nice.

Not sure it makes sense, though.

You'll see.

Reverend.

Can I ask?

What do you believe in when it comes to well death and that?

Oh, uh gosh.

Like, is there an afterlife?

Do you think there is?

Dunno.

Probably not.

But

dunno.

Many people develop religious ideas during times of loss, even if they were convinced it was all hogwashed before.

The notion that the spirit is still out there enjoying some kind of eternal knees up and keeping an eye out for you.

It's a powerful idea.

A comforting one.

Do you believe in it?

Georgie,

to be perfectly candid with you,

I think these days we believe whatever we want to believe, really.

Though, of course, I couldn't swear to that.

Shall we take another turn around the church?

Why not?

As the evening drew in, Eric Chapman was still hard at work in his funeral home and was about to receive an unexpected visitor.

Uh, right.

How about

what can I say about this couple which hasn't been said before?

I have no idea.

Come on, Eric.

It's just words.

You love using those.

You compiled the Collins dictionary over a single Dune.

Oh, I'm sorry, we're about to close.

Chapman.

This can't wait till tomorrow.

Bridgeard.

Actually, Actually, it probably could, but I'm here now.

I wish to see you on a matter of great import.

Nana's funeral.

You received the body earlier?

Yes.

Antigone's begun doing whatever it is she does.

I don't like to pry.

And neither should you.

I know what she does.

I'm a watitian.

Oh, come on, you can't be everything.

Rodjard, I'm busy and I'm about to close for the evening.

Surely this is the building that never sleeps.

Of course, the bar, the bowling alley, and the swimming baths will be open till midnight, but this is my time, and unless you have anything you want me to do.

This.

What

is it?

It's a diagram of Nana Crusoe's funeral service.

Or at least the grand finale.

Right.

What's this smudge?

Where?

That's me.

Oh.

Clearly.

Well, not clearly.

Yes, it is.

Okay, I'm not dying on this here.

It's me.

That's me.

There.

So the stick thing is meant to be.

Antigone!

You're very insulting, you know that.

And the.

What is that?

A frying pan.

Georgie.

Oh, right.

I don't know how you could get this so confusing.

Look, I'm sorry.

Just a simple diagram.

It's a simple.

It's not simple.

It is.

I'm looking at this.

Look, look, look, look, look.

I have no idea.

Putting that aside.

This diagram is not.

It's not exactly a blueprint, is it?

Honestly, I had no idea this was going to be so difficult.

Okay, what is this?

Explain this.

Okay, just step back from it for a second.

Now, given this is part of a funeral, and given what we now have painstakingly established about this diagram, sketch diagram, what could we conceivably be up to for this funeral service in this thing

here?

Oh,

oh,

oh, I get it.

Yes.

Oh, this is a lovely idea.

I know.

You came up with this.

Yes.

Did you?

It was Antikeny.

Oh.

But I drew the dietly thing.

Outrageous.

Okay, so you're presumably asking me if you can borrow this thing here.

Well.

Yes.

On that single point, we do require your.

Rudyard, you don't need to say the word.

Thank you.

No, sorry, you do need to say the word.

Help!

Glorious.

Well, of course you can borrow it.

I'd do anything to help with this funeral.

I'm afraid we can't offer very much in return for it.

You don't need to pay me.

As I have said before, we're a business, not a charity.

We will repay you somehow, even if it kills you.

You mean if it kills you?

I'm making the offers here.

Okay, well, look.

How are you with speeches?

Terrible, you know this.

I'm not talking about a mandolin solo.

It was ahead of its time.

I meant writing a speech for...

I don't know, a wedding?

Filled with warm and amusing anecdotes about two wonderful people who you may have known for many years longer than I have.

That kind of speech?

Are you.

Are you having trouble with your best man speech?

I just felt it out for you, yes.

Surely Mr.

Popula must have written a best man speech before.

A couple of dozen, yes, but with this one.

Okay, I'll say it.

I feel like a fraud, to be honest with you.

I love Desmond and Nigel.

They're great guys, but I haven't been here long enough to really know them.

And you.

Yes?

well you've known them your whole life haven't you in fact you grew up knowing who they are didn't the reverend baptize you with some reluctance yes and then you worked with them both for years as an undertaker as a counsellor you're an institution or should be in an institution perhaps but either way quite frankly you should be best man not me

you want me to be best man i know i'm still doing it but can you help with the speech very well chaplain i accept your terms

but i want it on record that i'm only doing this for Georgie Crusoe.

Brilliant.

Thank you.

Great.

I'll just close up and then I'll get us a couple of strong lattes.

I'd like cinnamon in mine.

But I want it on record that I'm only drinking it for Georgie Crusoe.

Note it.

As the two gentlemen prepared for some serious anecdote wrangling, Georgie had wandered into the square outside and was settling underneath the tree to watch the sun go down.

You again.

Can't go anywhere in this village without you checking up on me.

I'm fine, honestly.

I'm just

collecting myself.

So push off and I'll see you later, okay?

We'll arrange all your new furniture together.

Promise.

Hello?

Ah!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I was hiding behind the tree.

Why would you do that?

Because you were coming and I hid behind the tree and I would have waited for an hour or so until you've gone, but I've got things to do.

Why are you hiding from me at all?

Oh, um, well, um, I've got

these

flowers?

Are they for the wedding or something?

No, for the funeral.

Oh.

I didn't think you'd want to see before, sort of try and avoid the subject.

So I hid behind a tree and I didn't move a muscle.

They're nice flowers.

I like them.

Good.

Good.

I just got them from Virginia Bloom.

I had to pay a bit extra after they're getting tied up and gagged by a circus ring mistress so she can take a place in the amateur play incident.

It's only the third time that's ever happened to her, but she's getting sick of it.

Hmm, I get it, yeah.

You see much of Marlerna since?

Oh, no.

You?

Nah.

You should.

Why?

I thought you wanted to.

Nah.

She turned me down.

Oh.

Why?

Reasons.

I'm sorry.

Wouldn't have worked.

Wouldn't it?

Well, if it would have, there's no point thinking about it now, is there?

No, I suppose not.

No one's gonna waste my time.

No.

No mine.

Anymore.

I feel like we should be drinking.

There's water in these flower stems.

I'll pass.

In fact,

I ought to be heading home to feed the dog.

Are you going to be all right?

Yes, I am.

If anyone else asked me, yeah.

Yeah, quite sorry, yes, I.

Oh, um, the um the wedding?

Yeah.

Are we invited, Roger and I?

Of course you are.

I know we're not popular.

No.

You're invited and you're coming.

Yeah?

Oh.

Excellent.

What should I wear?

What have you got?

Just this.

Do that.

I will.

Splendid.

I feel this is progress.

Sure.

Speak to you later.

Antigone waited waited until she was certain Georgie had gone, and then darted across into Chapman's.

Oh, that was great.

Bajade!

What's going on, Eli?

In a minute, Antigone.

Okay, get this down.

Getting it down.

The school nativity play.

We were seven years old, and we're both in it, Antigone and I.

Are you reminiscing?

Well, I'm trying to.

Shhh.

I was the innkeeper.

Now look here, there's no room, and so on.

Jerry was a wise man.

And Jerry.

And Antigone.

Antigone, what were you again?

I was a camel.

Yes, that's right.

And the Reverend was directing us, but he couldn't decide about this whole Son of God concept, so he asked if we could skirt round the issue.

So, on the night, all the shepherds and wise men piled into the barn.

Jerry looked at the baby, and instead of proclaiming him as King of Kings, he just said,

Nice one.

And that

was the Reverend pleased.

Oh, he really liked the ending.

What was it?

My hump fell off in the manger.

Both horrible people.

Oh, right.

You've got about ten stories there now.

They should get your speech going, shouldn't they?

I'm sure they will, Rudyard.

And I'll let everyone know where they came from, too.

Bajad, you have actually mentioned the.

Yes, yes.

That's why I'm telling these stories.

You don't think I'd give away this kind of gold dust for nothing, do you?

It's all squared off, but you can borrow it whenever you like.

Thank you, Chapman.

I'm glad to help.

Can I ask you both to stay for dinner?

I think it's Roast Peacock in the members' room tonight.

Some other time, perhaps.

Bye, Jack.

Yes.

I think the two of us ought to go and talk to Georgie.

Hey, boy!

Hey!

Stop it!

Hey, okay, yeah.

I missed you too.

Well, hey then, Nana.

Hey, you're aunt, Georgie.

Hi, Timmy.

Give the girl some room.

Now, come on.

How was it today?

Any better?

Worse.

I'm not sure I can hike this job.

I might tell Rudyard he can stuff it.

You've only been there a week.

Give it time.

And there was another punch up in the churchyard.

I swear, funeral directing is much more dangerous than I thought it'd be.

I imagine I'd just be standing and looking respectful, but I had to choke some the client's brother-in-law.

So you remember the moves I taught you?

I had to, Nana.

I was hurling mourners all over the place.

These funerals are total carnage, and it's always raining.

Oh, you'll get used to it, I'm sure.

I don't want to get used to it.

I want to leave.

Ah, well, there might be a bit of a problem there.

Have you been to the hospital yet?

Yeah.

I saw the doctor.

Strange man.

He looks ever so tired.

I asked him if he was going to get an early night, and he just laughed in my face for five minutes and collapsed.

He did sort you out, though, huh?

Oh, yeah.

I read a magazine until he came round and then he examined me.

I'm afraid it's a bad case of whiplash, Georgie.

It's uh gonna take a few months at least.

A few months?

Ah, well, it could have been a lot worse.

Getting washed up on a beach in the middle of a storm ain't what ladies of my age ought to be doing, that's what the doctor said.

And then he gave me some tablets and started crying.

So after ten minutes, I left.

But when you get better, we can go right.

Well, yeah, if you still want to.

It might not be so bad to stay put for a while though.

But we're meant to be travelling the world.

Ah, the world's not going anywhere.

Who knows?

Give it a few months.

You might be begging me to stay.

You may even make some friends.

I doubt it, Nana.

How about what's the names?

The brother and sister?

Ugh.

No.

They're so weird.

Rudyard's just...

Rudyard.

And I can never tell if Antigny's in the room with me or not.

I have to flush her out with a torch.

She goes...

HA!

The light!

and scuttles away out of the room.

She's like a cross between a spider and the girl from the ring.

I'll have a feeling you'll end up getting on.

It'll probably be sooner than you think, too.

I don't want to stay, Nana.

You don't think this could be a sign, then?

I don't believe in signs.

We've never really stayed in one place, never had roots, always moving on.

That's what's great about us, Nana.

We can go anywhere and do anything.

We pay our way, see the sights.

We need challenges.

There's something to be said for community, Georgie.

Like what?

And family.

Look, you've had a bad knock.

I get that.

We'll stay till you're better, get a new boat, and then...

Something might happen.

No, it won't.

There's nothing here.

It's all misery and violent funerals.

No one's going to wave a magic wand to make them all enjoy themselves, so what's the point?

This house ain't bad.

We were lucky there.

And there's the dog to think of.

We can take him with us.

God, Nana, it's like you've already given up.

And you don't like giving up, do you?

No.

No one should do it.

It's rubbish.

But you'll be quitting your job.

That's different.

I never wanted to be here.

And it's my fault you are.

Now you're being stupid.

You could go on without me.

No, I buddy couldn't.

Georgie, I don't want to hold you back.

I can catch you up in Casablanca or Dakar.

I'm not leaving you behind to stop saying it.

Are you sure, Georgie?

Oh, don't give me that, Nana.

Of course I'm sure.

You think I'm gonna turn my back on you now after everything you've done for me?

You're the best bloody person on this whole stupid planet.

I'd be nothing without you, I really wouldn't, because you're who I wanna be, do you know that?

You're who I've always wanted to be, there's never been anyone better, there never has, and I've never loved anyone so much without telling them.

And I wish I'd said all this to you when you were still alive, but I can't now, can I?

Because you're gone.

And it's too late, and I've missed my chance, which I've had for flipping years to tell you, and I didn't, did I?

I didn't tell you all those things.

And where are you now, eh?

Where have you gone?

Where have you bloody gone?

Timmy, oh,

Timmy, stop it,

Georgie.

Hello.

Hi.

Georgie.

What's up?

We just wanted to tell you

it's all arranged.

The service.

We know what we're doing, and we think you'll be.

Well, as much as one can be.

Yes.

We think we've done it, Georgie.

We just wanted you to know.

Yeah.

Cheers, guys.

What's up?

No, I mean that, really.

Yes.

Well,

I'm sorry.

Awful.

Are you.

Sorry, I shouldn't ask again.

No, you can.

You can.

You see, it's j

it's just

my man has died.

I'm sorry, Georgie.

We're here for you.

Yes.

A few days later, the people of Piffling were packed into the church to witness the union of Mayor and Reverend.

This was no quiet wedding.

Everyone wanted to be there.

Sid Marlow put on his poker face.

Oh, Gloria,

we are even starting yet.

Bill and Tanya were radiant.

What a wonderful day to be alive.

It is, my darling.

A wonderful day to be alive.

And the back of the church was filled with circus elephants.

At the altar stood Nigel Wavering, smiling as widely as any man could as the love of his life ambled gently down the aisle towards him.

Eric Chapman stood with the Reverend.

Georgie Crusoe walked with the mayor.

I myself had my usual seat, the top pocket of Rudyak's jacket.

Looks like we got her just in time, Antigone.

Did you bring the rice?

Yes, but I still don't understand why we need it.

To throw at the happy couple when it's over.

Won't they be upset if we do that?

It's traditional.

But it's all wet and clumpy.

You weren't meant to boil it.

Wasn't I?

No!

Put that saucepan down.

Oh, very well.

That was superb, Miss Scrubble.

Come, Vicar.

Now, how about some jams?

No!

No, no!

We're doing the wedding now.

Oh, yes.

I like this bit.

Dearly beloved and honored guests,

we are gathered here today

to unite

this man,

Desmond Desmond, with me,

Nigel Waverley, in the bonds of holy

maybe, if that's your bag,

matrimony.

Before we get stuck into it, if anybody would rather we didn't get hitched, speak now, or forever hold your peace.

Sorry.

Sorry.

But

the saucepan.

Jesus, where?

You alright there, sir?

Yes, Georgie.

You boiled the rice, didn't you?

Yes, Georgie.

Thought so.

You can carry on, Nigel.

Sorry.

Could I have some of that rice?

I'm quite hungry.

The ceremony proceeded with no further problems, and we all of us loved every part of it.

We especially enjoyed the excerpt from Scandalliances read by Herbert Koff.

And at the summit of the lighthouse, they turned to each other and began doing it every which way.

Many ships were wrecked on the shores that night, for they hadn't switched on the bowl.

But they didn't care, for they were in love.

All right, Mr.

Crumble, there's more on the next page.

And bowing to public demand, there were snacks at the half-time interval.

Toffees!

Chocolates!

Licorice whips!

Boxes of blonde supremes.

Do your chocolates have caffeine in them?

I'm afraid so, Doctor.

Great!

Inject them straight into my veins.

Caffeine doesn't work like that.

I am a terrible doctor.

And then the moment we'd all been waiting for.

Do you have the rings, Mr.

Chapman?

Here you go, Nigel.

Top work, Georgie.

I'm great at saving weddings.

Do you, Desmond Desmond, take me, Nigel Wavering, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live?

I do.

So do I.

I now pronounce us married.

You may now kiss the vicar.

Oh, Nigel.

Shall we all go back to the hall and get hammered?

Yes!

Then, Scalmi Nikolai P, players out!

Bassoon Patrol, as we practiced.

End of the wedding, play!

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

The mayor and the reverend ran down the aisle together to the tunes of Bassoon Patrol.

The crowd erupted in merriment, chief amongst them, Georgie Crusoe.

Everyone peeled off back to the hall for a reception they'd never forget, with dinner and dancing, and of course, a certain speech.

And here's another gem from Rudyard Fun, who told me that when Desmond first actually held an all-night blackjack tournament,

which as we know are not illegal, he had no idea how the game game was played.

To the extent that at the end of the night, he put all his money on Mr.

Bunn, the baker.

What happened?

He's still bloody one.

I couldn't believe it.

Spirits remained high and were freely consumed as the afternoon rolled on whilst the piffling Philharmonic regaled us with their finest disco beats.

I later found Radyard at the buffet table where even he was socializing.

Here, Radyard, that sister of yours, she's dancing all over the place.

How much has she had?

One shot of gym.

She could be like this for weeks.

She's throwing some serious shapes out there, son.

It's like her limbs are having fun, but her face looks furious.

She'll calm down when she's had a spring roll.

Ooh, exotic.

Hello, everybody.

Are we all slushed yet?

Here's the happy couple.

Say I do.

I do.

Front page in the morning.

If I can actually wake up tomorrow, my head's spinning already.

I've only had a lemonade.

Eric filled his helicopter with booze from the mainland.

It took five trips to get this lot.

And is that a bowl of party rings?

It is.

What a day to remember.

All right, Sydney.

They're playing our song.

Right with you, Pejunia.

They've all been our song.

Wish me luck, gent.

We uh spoke to Georgie just now.

She said you'd all be leaving the party soon.

I'm afraid so.

Some work we've still to carry out.

I wish there was more we could do for her.

It's been the wedding we'd always dreamed of, and we couldn't have done it without her.

I say though, is it true that some of those stories in Eric's speech came from you?

Oh yes.

I have a long memory.

You certainly have.

In fact, we were wondering if you'd like to be in charge of our new archive project, keeping records, a history of Pipling Vale.

We'd love to have one of those.

You want...

Me?

Ongoing work, of course, and paid.

You'd be incredibly useful.

What do you say?

Gentlemen, I say this calls for a celebration in crisps.

Digin!

I think you've finished them.

Yes, I have.

It's been a good party.

Meanwhile, Georgie was alone at the edge of the room, watching the party go by.

She'd been involved, talked a lot, and danced as much as she'd wanted.

But now she was quiet.

She'd be leaving soon.

There were things she had to do.

hello.

Oh, hi.

Jennifer Delacroix, Pifflin FM.

Are you enjoying the party?

Do you always introduce yourself like that?

I.

Sorry, it's a habit.

No, I didn't mean to.

It is, though.

I know.

Sorry, I'm

actually not all that confident in talking to people properly.

I mean, not professionally, personally, that's the word.

I've been drinking.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have said all that.

This has been embarrassing, hasn't it?

I'm gonna go.

No.

Where?

It's fine.

Let's keep talking.

Oh.

Good.

Um.

Now I don't know what to say.

Did you like the wedding?

Yeah, I did.

And what was it like for you being at the biggest wedding that Piffling Vale has seen in the past four decades?

Jennifer.

Sorry.

Did you like it?

Yeah.

To be fair, though, I organised most of it.

Oh, just as well I said I liked it then.

Mind you, I'm easy.

I always like weddings.

I like seeing happy people being happy.

It's kind of my thing.

And I might not be the best person to speak to right now.

Oh, oh god, sorry.

Sorry, I forgot for a moment and then I remembered and then stop.

Breathe.

You're very nervous.

Yes, I am.

How are you?

Doing?

I'm okay.

I didn't know your grandmother well, or really at all.

And that's awful.

I'd like to attend the funeral, though.

Oh, God, that sounded weird.

Nobody likes to attend funeral.

I mean, not that I don't, I mean.

I know what you mean.

You've missed it, I'm afraid.

Happened this morning.

Oh.

Just a small thing.

Private like.

Cremation.

The Reverend insisted on doing it for us even on his wedding day, so I wouldn't have the chance to hide away afterwards.

Now you'll be glad I'm here.

So am I.

And me.

They're the first person I've had a proper conversation with.

Really?

Yeah.

You can call what I'm saying a proper conversation, and I really hope you can.

Feel bad now.

Gotta go in a minute.

Oh.

I understand.

No, it's nothing to do with you.

Gotta go before the sun sets.

We're scattering the ashes.

Oh, I see.

That's sad.

Yeah.

Not totally.

You see,

I've got my family with me.

Got it!

We're ready!

But only if you are.

I'm coming!

Sorry to cut this short.

You know,

other people

broke there is really.

You think so?

Nah.

But they make things much more fun.

How about you and me talk some more next week?

Oh.

Say

Wednesday.

Get off work at six.

That would be really nice.

Yeah, it would.

See you soon, Jen.

Enjoy the party.

See you Wednesday.

Yes.

Georgie strode into the foyer with a secret smile, past her desk and towards the doors, where Rudyard and Antigone were waiting expectantly for her.

Hey, Antigone, you feeling okay now?

Oh, yes, I've had a spring roll.

So, what's the plan?

How are we doing this?

You said it was a surprise, and I'm putting my total faith in you that it's going to be amazing.

We're quietly confident.

Breggen and I were thinking about how you and your nana travelled a lot, and how you felt that she didn't really belong to any specific place.

So, we thought we'd complete the service from the air.

From the air?

But we couldn't do that by ourselves.

So, Roger and I made a deal with Chapman, who had the vehicle we needed to do that.

You mean?

Yes, he agreed to lend us his.

Georgie couldn't wait.

She burst through the doors.

Helicopter!

Balloon!

He's our air balloon!

That's right.

A hot air balloon.

Chapman's been instructing us on how to use it.

So we should be perfectly safe.

But just in case we're not, are you great at hot air balloons?

I definitely am.

Up above the island.

Floating over the sea.

It'll be peaceful up there, in the balloon.

Time to reflect.

With the whole world stretched out before us.

We thought it'd be the most fitting way to

say farewell to her.

Thank you.

It's

exactly right.

Good.

Shall we get in?

Yeah.

I'll be on you in a second.

I know.

It's a gorgeous idea.

Yours?

Did Roger say that?

Yep.

It's not quite true.

He did draw the picture.

Yeah.

Listen.

I say, Chapman, they're playing a slow dog.

Be with you in a sec, Vivian.

Don't keep me waiting.

I see you've patched things up with her.

Richard told you about Ingris and DJ.

Yes.

Does her husband mind?

No, Simon's a sweetheart, really.

Terrific eyebrows.

Yes.

Well,

you should run along and enjoy yourself, shouldn't you?

I will.

And uh,

are we

friends?

Yes.

No,

competitors?

Yes.

Remember that.

I will

See you around, Antigone.

You too, Chairman.

Antigone.

Well,

duty calls.

Madeline, there you are.

You're just in time.

Carrying me in the palm of her hand, Antigone crossed to the balloon and climbed inside.

Are we all ready?

Yep.

And more.

Well,

I'll do it.

Here we go.

And so

we rose

into the air and we left the square behind us.

The sun sat upon the horizon, casting shades of bright orange against the sky.

The breeze was cool against my fur.

And then, when we were high enough, Georgie picked up the urn.

She poured its contents into her hands with the greatest of care and looked out across the seas.

She took a deep breath and, with her friends stood either side, she tossed the ashes as far as they would go, entrusting them to the winds to carry them far across the globe.

And she smiled

and she cried

and she said,

Goodbye, Nana.

And I turned back to look at the square below.

So small it was to see.

Eric was still gazing up at us from the doorway of the hall.

He stood there a few minutes more, then waved and slowly turned inside.

And the four of us rose through the skies above in our large hot air balloon

without a care in the world.

Putting the Fun in Funerals was written by David K.

Barnes and was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Sean Baker as The Mayor, Julia Deacon as Nana Crusoe, Ellie Dickens as Miss Scruple, Paul Putner as Sid Marlowe, Alana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix, and Belinda Lang as Madeline.

With David K.

Barnes as Dr.

Edgware, Holly Campbell as Tanya, Pip Gladwin as Bill, Andy Hamilton as Herbert Koff, Katrina Knox as Lady Templar, Alice Osmanski as Calliope, Alison Skilback as Agatha Doyle, Emily Stride as Marlena Magdalena, and Sarah Tom as Petunia Bloom.

Original music composed by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios and was produced and directed by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

From all of us at Wooden Overcoats, thank you for listening to season three.

I dearly hope that you've enjoyed it.

And a particular thank you to all of those listening at home who made it possible by contributing to our Kickstarter earlier in the year.

We are so indebted to you.

Before we go, though, there are people who we can't fit into our credits each week who really do make the show.

Our announcer for the series is Eleanor Rushton.

Our script supervisor was Amelia Donovan.

Our runners were Nina Cruz and Gabrielle Watts.

James composed and conducted the music, but he also was a member of the Piffling Philharmonic, and here's just some of those musicians.

On organ and piano, Jan Whittle, and she also provided the organ.

for Miss Scruples playing in the episode you just heard.

On mandolin and guitar, Chris Roberts.

On clarinet, Laurel Sloane and James Whittle and Laurel Sloane was also on bass clarinet.

On the bassoons was Laura Kirker, on percussion James Wood.

The violins were played by Arissa Namoto and Bridget Mallon.

Viola Jill Valentine and on cello Hannah Chappell.

And it was all recorded at All Saints East Finchley with thanks to Christopher Hardy and Regan Crowley.

Our production manager for the series was Elizabeth Campbell and she's done an absolutely superb job making sure everything this series runs smoothly.

And we can get the podcast on your players on time if you will.

If you like the show, of course, please do write us a review on iTunes, tell your friends, because it really does help the series carry on.

And it indeed does.

For the summer special, Rudyard Ruins Summer or A Handful of Sand by David K.

Barnes and Alex Lynch.

And finally, just from me, a huge thank you to everyone on the team for making it such an enjoyable experience.

And I hope it's not too long before I speak to you

But for now, I'll leave you with one final thing from our live show last Friday.

It happens very, very rarely,

but sometimes people do come up to me and

they

look at me and they sit down with me and they ask me if there is any degree of my writing which is at all autobiographical.

And I look at them and sat next to me or opposite me and I look at them, they look at me.

And I will

say to you the same thing I say to them:

please get out of my bath.

This has been Wooden Overcoats season three.

Please subscribe to our podcast online.

Do leave a little review if you can.

It'd be lovely.

Do follow us on Facebook, on Twitter, on Instagram.

Really, as ever, we are Wooden Overcoats.

But you have been the show.

So, until we see each other again, good night.

Enjoy yourselves.

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