Piffling Lives: Sid / Desmond

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Desmond Desmond, the man.

The mayor.

Today we uncover the myth behind the legend as as he goes head to head with Piffling Vale's premier journalist Sid Marlow in the most electrifying interview of the century so far.

This is the village of Piffling Vale and these are Piffling Lives.

Wooden Overcoats presents

Sid Desmond.

Testing, testing one, two, three.

Just making sure it's actually working.

It's the batteries, really.

They're crap.

Oh, yes.

Testing, testing.

My shaver ran out of battery this morning.

Did it?

Yes, it did.

Yeah, I thought you looked a bit...

What?

Well, nothing, just uh...

nothing.

No, anyway, I think we're ready to rock and roll.

Oh, good.

Another coffee before we get started?

Another one?

Yeah.

I haven't had any coffee.

Yes, you have?

No, I haven't.

I made you some when you came in, didn't I?

Well, uh

no.

I've got some.

Yes, I ym.

Right.

I know.

Right, uh.

Because you made it.

Well, didn't you ask for some?

No, well,

you offered, and then you didn't actually look, I don't want to make a big thing about this.

Flip it now.

I'm going maid.

But please, no, it's really not important.

Look, I'll put some on for you.

No, no, no, no.

Take a minute.

No.

Please, it's fine.

You sure?

Yes.

Really?

You can have some of mine.

Yeah, no, no, no.

It's fine.

Escape.

Oh, yes.

There we are.

Thank you.

Now,

Mr.

Mayor,

can I call you Desmond?

No.

Right, so Mr Mayor, thank you for coming round today.

It's all right.

I know your own premises are being redecorated.

I assume not at the taxpayers' expense.

I assume?

Well, not now, it won't be, no.

Good, right.

Um

I'm having another biscuit.

Yeah, go for it.

Right, so Mr Mayor, I think we should kick off with your very public uh stated intention to turn Piffling Vale from a village into a town.

Hmm.

How's that been going for you?

Oh,

very well, actually.

Very well.

Thanks for asking.

So what have you done so far?

Well, I've certainly been telling people about it.

Yeah.

I meet people out on the street and talk to them.

And, you know, I'll just drop it into mid-conversation very casually.

Sort of like, golly, this village, eh?

Don't you wish it were a town?

And that sort of thing.

Do people agree with you?

They certainly don't disagree with me.

And are we any closer to this, you know, actually happening?

But we have got two hospitals and a golf club.

What more do you want?

Ah, what more do you want?

A whole lot more, let me tell you.

A toy museum, a discotheque, a couple of waterfalls.

Believe me, I have got ideas.

And are these things currently in motion?

Well, that depends on how you define motion, doesn't it?

Does it?

I'm sure it does.

Well, I think we all define it in the same way, don't we?

That could be considered a bit of a bourgeois attitude.

Though not by me, you understand.

Well, okay.

When I say motion, I mean are your plans currently going anywhere?

I'm happy to skip the question if you want.

No, I'll answer it.

Good.

Because it's the only one I've got.

If you mean, are they costed?

No.

If you mean, are they going to happen within our lifetime, then?

Well, it depends how lucky you feel.

But what I can say is, I have done some sketches, and they're really quite comprehensive.

Some sketches?

One or two sketches, yeah.

Oh, do you have them with you?

Oh, yeah.

Can I see them?

Well, I don't know about that.

No.

I'll be very kind.

You won't need to be.

They They are very good.

Fab!

In that case, you can let me see them.

Help me out here, mate.

Fine, yes.

Okay.

Right.

So, you see, now here's the...

Is this a napkin?

Yes.

Now, this is the waterfall I am planning.

You see?

That's me at the top.

I'm waving.

Who's that?

Oh,

that's my Nigel.

Oh, yeah.

You see?

We're going kayaking.

It's just something I came up with in the last council meeting.

Yeah, yeah, I like this.

Do you?

God, yes.

Ah.

Well, once we get this waterfall up and running, we can all go kayaking whenever we want.

What a story.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that this is tremendous news.

I am very excited.

I am delighted to hear you say that.

So, Mr.

Mayor, when can we expect our new waterfall?

Well, soon.

Ish.

How soon-ish?

You have to understand there is a lot to do, and it's very difficult when you don't have a secretary anymore.

You mean Marjorie's sudden resignation?

Yes.

I had to let her go, of course, because she was...

Bunkers.

She was under the weather, certainly.

In fact, on her last day in your employ, she took you hostage, along with several members of the public, and threatened to have you all killed.

I think it's fair to say that if I'd known she was going to do that, I'd probably not have hired her in the first place.

Now, this is a delicate question, but do you feel at all responsible for her breakdown?

No.

Do you?

No.

Well, that's all right, then.

I mean, you don't think there's a possibility she was overworked.

Oh, she was most certainly overworked.

But then there was a lot of work work to do.

Still is, actually.

I'll probably go the same way.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Will you?

No, well, I hope not.

You can put that stapler down now.

Good.

Well,

anyway, with your previous secretary locked up in prison, you're presumably doing everything yourself.

That must be quite stressful.

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

I mean, talk about trying to to keep a life-work balance.

Well, that's a joke all by itself.

God knows how Nigel puts up with me.

How is the Reverend at the moment?

Oh, incredible.

No matter how difficult things get in the office, when I come home from work, he's always there for me, with that dazzling smile, and we'll make dinner together, and he'll tell me about all the saucy confessions he sat through that day in church.

I made confession the other day.

I know you did.

Yes, right.

Well, seriously,

it does get to one, all this.

That's why I used to hold those all-night blackjack tournaments, just to take the edge off.

And I'm sorry, but I say that when a male plays a blackjack, that means it is not illegal.

I'm sorry.

That's what I believe.

But blackjack is legal.

Yes, so it is.

Sorry.

I keep forgetting.

Carry on.

Well, in a nutshell, you've got a village to run, no secretary.

On top of that, you're still adamant that you want to transform our village into a town.

Give the people what they want, Mr.

Marlowe.

Well, this leads me on to a question I've just thought up.

Mr.

Mayor, because you see, some critics have said of your scheme that you...

Critics!

Sorry?

You said critics?

Yes.

I didn't know I had critics.

Well, Well, just a handful.

Not even that, really.

Why do I have critics?

I mean, I think anyone in a responsible position, like what you've got, usually has critics somewhere.

Do you think I should resign?

What?

No.

Because if people aren't happy, I think I ought to step aside and let someone else do it.

No, no, no, no.

They are happy.

Are they?

Very happy.

You don't sound sure about that.

100%, believe me.

What about the critics?

Look, they're happy too.

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, what I mean is.

If they're happy, what have they got to be critical about?

It's more that they think that.

Quite simply.

Are you happy?

What?

Yes, so I'm very happy.

So why do you think I should resign?

I'm not saying that.

Well, I must say you have presented a very compelling case for kicking me out, for somebody who claims to be happy with what I'm doing.

No, I haven't.

Look, all I've said is that there are some critics who say.

Who Who are these critics?

No one.

They're just some critics.

Are they here with us now?

What are you doing?

Look!

Look, they're not going to be in the drawer, are they?

They can do anything with technology these days.

Mr.

Helm,

please calm down.

I don't know.

You work all day?

Barely any leisure time to call your own.

No.

I don't even get to read anymore.

Because let me tell you, I am usually kept very long.

I'm sure, but if you just like.

And then you'll find out people are saying things about you behind your back.

And you don't even know about it until somebody asks you along for an interview.

I'd sooner people just told me straight to my face.

Yeah.

If I don't like something, I just come out and say it.

Yeah.

I mean,

I don't like your t-shirt, for example.

Why?

I just don't.

Why?

It's not my colour.

It wouldn't fit me.

But you're not wearing it.

Yes.

But I am imagining me wearing it, and the idea's not appealing to me at all.

Don't you do that?

Don't you look at people and think, ooh,

what would I look like in that?

Yeah.

Well, I don't go up and tell them I don't like what they're wearing, do I?

I don't go up to people and tell them that.

You just did.

Yes, but this is different

You're right right here, aren't you?

You're sitting right here.

Yes, I I'm sitting opposite you, and you've just sitting there.

Mr.

Marlowe,

Mr.

Marlowe, let me make one thing perfectly clear.

We don't choose our parents, do we?

No.

I was raised by my parents the only way they knew, and that was to call a spade a spade.

My mother did that.

My father sometimes did that.

And it's the way I'm made.

All right.

For instance, you see, there are some people, and I won't say who, there are some people who say that even after all this time,

they're still not sure about the Swiss.

Now, what are you talking about?

Well, I say, quite frankly, I am not sure about us.

Do you see?

Why are we meant to be so impressive compared to the Swiss or

the Albanians?

Or

who else is it?

Venezuelan?

Right.

Singapore.

Singapore, that's another country, isn't it?

Canada?

Sri Lanka?

Guinea-Bissau?

Are we still talking about my t-shirt?

Actually,

we have had, I'll tell you, we have just had a young couple from Antwerp.

Now that is in Belgium.

And they have just settled down here.

Permanent residence.

And

he's some kind of

artist.

And she's a uh

w what is it fitness instructor I think do you see what I'm getting at?

Yeah.

Exactly.

You'd like Piffling to be inclusive.

I think we are inclusive, Mr.

Marlowe.

I am not sure who you live next to.

What is their nationality?

English.

On the other side?

English?

Opposite.

Um, Welsh, I think.

Ah, there you are.

I mean, I I met a woman the other day, and she was talking to somebody who had daughters in Beijing.

So it all adds up.

Hmm.

Do they still live there?

No, no, they moved back to Ireland.

Right, yeah.

So I think that these critics of yours ought to take a long, hard look at themselves.

Yeah.

Uh,

Mr.

Mayor?

Yes.

These uh

these critics.

What about them?

I um

I um

made them up.

Sorry?

Yeah.

I I was just um

I was playing devil's advocate.

I just just wanted to get a discussion going.

You made them up?

It was a difficult question and

I didn't want you to feel less of me, so I.

Well now I don't know what to think about.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

This is just so typical of you media types, isn't it?

Can't get a straight answer out of any of you.

Now, Mr.

Mayor, I don't...

You are...

Fundamentally dishonest.

And I don't just mean you.

I mean all of you.

Take television, for instance.

You take television.

I don't trust it.

Never have, never will.

Why not?

What?

What?

Why not?

Are you really asking me?

Yeah.

What is it about television that you don't trust?

The editing!

What about it?

For God's

Look,

when they cut from one shot to another, I always want to know what's happening in the shot we've just left behind, you see?

What is it they aren't showing us?

Answer me that if you can.

What aren't they telling us?

Bloody hell.

Exactly.

Oh, never tweaked.

Every time I see some editing, I write to them.

Whoever it is, the BBC or

UK Gold, and I ask ask them what it is they are not telling me.

And you know what?

They hardly ever write back.

And when they do, I don't believe them.

You know,

this is just like this bloke what lived around the corner from me when I was growing up.

Really?

Yeah.

Got done in this huge scandal, you see.

Because what he'd do was invite children, big groups of them sometimes, to the shed at the bottom of his garden.

And do you know what he did?

No.

He would take an owl, a barn owl, or, you know,

he'd take an owl

and bite its head off, clean off.

He would bite the heads off all the owls, hundreds of them.

Oh my God.

Sometimes he'd take one and squeeze and squeeze until his head popped off like that.

And when I asked him why, oh, this was years ago, he said it was because he was trying to find the tiny little people who live inside them.

Government surveillance, he said.

He'd bite an owl's head off and look inside to try and find the little people, pulling their little switches and making the owl's heads go right round like they do.

And he'd keep biting the heads off until he found them.

Sidnair, he said to me once, and I'll never forget this

never trust an owl never, ever trust one of them bloody owls.

And you know what, Mr.

Mayor?

I never did.

I will have that coffee, thank you.

Sorry?

Oh, oh, sure.

Um, just let me, uh

I'll tell you what, shall we turn this off for a second?

It's your interview.

Right, let me, uh, how do I do the owl?

We should probably have an owl sanctuary.

Um,

there we are.

Sid, Desmond, was written by David K.

Barnes and was performed by Paul Putner as Sid Marlow and Steve Hodson as the Mayor.

Desmond.

The music was composed and conducted by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the RNIB Talking Book Studios and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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