Fiasco! (Part One)

Speaker 1 Hello, and welcome to Worlds Beyond Number Plays Fiasco.

Speaker 1 I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan. We're recording this at Dynasty Typewriter here in Los Angeles, California.
We couldn't be more excited to bring this video, actual play, to life. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 And if you're checking us out for the first time, go on and head over to the Fireside, our Patreon.

Speaker 2 Today, we are playing the Fiasco play set that is called Dragon Slayers by Logan Bonner. Thank you so much

Speaker 2 for this beautiful guidance in how to play this game that we have promptly made a mess of. But

Speaker 2 our apologies.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 We're playing an adventuring party here in Fiasco today, and I'm playing Bark Harmblin. He's a dwarven adventurer.
He's as old as dirt. No, I'm going to cut you off.
Bark? Bark Harmblin.

Speaker 1 b a r c k o got it b a r c k harmblin h a r m b l i

Speaker 1 n

Speaker 1 b

Speaker 1 it's like an attack on me every time the bark harmlin is a uh he's a dwarven adventure he's a rootin' tootin' straight shooter he's got an axe on his back hammer in his hand and an axe in his head.

Speaker 1 And I'll tell you what, folks, he couldn't be more delighted to be 485 years old, and he couldn't be more delighted to

Speaker 1 be here with the love of his life, his promised and betrothed.

Speaker 1 A little bit of a May December, or honestly, might be May New Year's Eve. I'm old as hell.

Speaker 1 But folks, what are we talking about? I'm getting married to this little lady. I couldn't be more excited.
My friend and yours being played by Mr. Lou Wilson.
Hey, what's up?

Speaker 1 I'm playing, my name's Lou Wilson. You know me, you love me.
I'm playing Bark Harmland's arranged wife. Yes, that's right.
We're in an arranged marriage, which we love.

Speaker 1 My name is Leif Harmblund.

Speaker 1 I'm 175 years young.

Speaker 1 I am

Speaker 1 pronounced she, her. I am a dwarf

Speaker 1 because that

Speaker 1 is what we are.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 2 Did you take his name already?

Speaker 1 Yes, very much so.

Speaker 1 Well, we've been arranged to be married for over a decade. So

Speaker 2 engaged to be engaged.

Speaker 1 Yes, let's get everyone used to me, the Lady Harmland.

Speaker 1 You know, you got... Warren custom.
Why?

Speaker 1 Marrying someone with a different last name? Disgusting.

Speaker 1 I am a novice adventurer with several fewer axes than my to-be-husband. I have one simple hand axe that I carry at my side.

Speaker 1 I'm also in charge of the polymorphed toad.

Speaker 1 I'm also in charge of the polymorphed toad that was one of Bark's former allies.

Speaker 1 I think that's everything you need to know about me before you learn a lot about me. So I'll introduce the person to my right if

Speaker 1 that was possible.

Speaker 1 The one, the only, Erika Ishii, who did kill my father.

Speaker 2 Oh, hi.

Speaker 2 I'm Erika Ishi'i, but for today, I'm going to be Francis Makudorma.

Speaker 2 I am an elf, a high elf, that us high elves have a deep and rich culture, don't you know? And I carry a bow and a sword that, though it is dainty and lighter than air.

Speaker 2 And I did kill his father, it's true, but it is for a very good reason that will be revealed at a

Speaker 2 time,

Speaker 2 a dramatically appropriate time.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And here is another disgruntled fellow disgruntled elf.

Speaker 2 Please meet Abria Iyengar's character.

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Abria Iyengar, and today I will be Pure El Fitzgerald.

Speaker 2 I am another disgruntled elf.

Speaker 2 We can talk about what has made me so mad, and it might have something to do with the marital customs of some of our party members but we won't get into that here and now i just i'm convinced i need to be happy for them so i'm going to uh yeah

Speaker 2 everyone else here's got several axes and bowl bows uh i carry a bowl full of uh frigid cold water from the top of a mountain i'm the caster in the group so it's a bit of a splash hazard but you know We we make do.

Speaker 2 We make our magic however we need to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what else is super important?

Speaker 2 My good friend,

Speaker 1 Bark.

Speaker 2 Sometimes you're dealing with a cult and you get in there and you don't realize you've walked into the middle of the ritual. He was bleeding.
I was bleeding.

Speaker 2 We sort of high five at the end because we thought we had kind of nailed the mission. Oops, we successfully completed the blood pact.
So now that's my blood brother.

Speaker 2 My pronouns are she, her, but I am a brother and I have a brother. So, you know, rough.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's been a pen cap in my hair the entire time. Great.
I'm going to stop talking now. And that's what you get when you watch a video.
You get to see the pen caps in our hair.

Speaker 1 Now that we've met our brave heroes, brace yourself for improvised scenes inspired by their relationships.

Speaker 1 Before the end of the scene, one player will determine if it will end positively or negatively.

Speaker 1 Okay, I would like to establish the first scene. It's between myself and Bark.

Speaker 1 It's us planning, doing some wedding planning before we go out on the last adventure before our wedding, which is at the next full moon.

Speaker 1 But I would love some scene painting of me and Bark's home by my fellow players.

Speaker 2 You know, I think you've got like a cute little underground sort of dwarven situation, but the money that we're getting from adventuring, I feel like we have to invest in your home.

Speaker 2 So I think it's got lots of little tunnels connecting.

Speaker 2 So you've actually got like a big house just underground, but it's like eight distinct little like bubble rooms that are all connected by long, lovely hallways.

Speaker 2 Right now in the entryway in preparation for the wedding,

Speaker 2 there's a pile of purple napkins, half of which are folded into the shape of fanciful little hats.

Speaker 2 And there's a seating chart.

Speaker 2 There's, you know, it's constantly in a state of flux.

Speaker 2 And as we go on more adventures and there's the political situation in the realm changes, you have to rearrange the little figurines you have in the in the on the seating chart there.

Speaker 2 And Francis keeps on killing people's fathers, so it's really

Speaker 2 hard to figure out where to place you.

Speaker 2 We might be able to start our own table.

Speaker 1 Fun.

Speaker 1 I think Burke is looking at all the folded napkins that are in the shapes of hats

Speaker 1 and just really looking and being like, hats come in so many different shapes. How do I know these are shaped like hats? What kinds of hats are they shaped?

Speaker 1 And I think he just starts bleeding from the nose as he stares at the

Speaker 1 shaped like hats. Bark? Shaped like hats.
Bark, are you already? Bark.

Speaker 2 Are you bleeding again? Cause I'm bleeding.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Hey, I tell you what.
We gotta plan this wedding. It's happening at the next full moon.
That means we got less than 30 days to plan this dang this dang wedding.

Speaker 1 we gotta we gotta plan a meal we gotta plan a theme we gotta invite a dj bark what are you talking about i've already handled most of these things i've got us a dj it's your cousin oh dang it it's your cousin branch all right and i've we've already got we've already agreed upon it's gonna be chicken taters chicken taters for everyone all right you know bark do you Do you want this?

Speaker 1 I mean, I just feel like you haven't been present, and I know it's arranged, but I really do love you.

Speaker 1 I love you too.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I feel like what's going on in my heart is...
Talk to me about your heart.

Speaker 1 I always imagined, you know, it's been a family tradition as long as I can remember.

Speaker 1 You...

Speaker 1 An older dwarf of an adventurer and a younger dwarf an adventurer are arranged in marriage so that through the holy bonds of matrimony, the skills of adventuring can be imparted one to the other.

Speaker 1 I remember my first marriage when I was a young dwarf. I got married to the oldest lady I'd ever seen.
We were married for 19 beautiful days and then she passed.

Speaker 1 I think getting married again just makes me makes me think that maybe maybe I won't be around for that much longer. You're gonna make it more than 19 days? I know it.
I know it. I hope so.

Speaker 1 Well, chicken tater sounds delicious. You know what would be fun?

Speaker 1 Skee ball. You want to do skee-ball? I'd like to do a ski ball.
I think we can get a skee-ball thing.

Speaker 1 My dad has already put in a lot.

Speaker 1 Wait, that's right.

Speaker 1 My stepdad.

Speaker 1 Because my real dad is dead. Oh, my God.
He was killed.

Speaker 2 Well, we all like Gerald.

Speaker 2 He's a good stepfather. He's the father that stepped up.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's great, Frances. I'm glad you like my stepfather.
I think that's awesome that you like my stepfather. I think

Speaker 1 that's such an awesome energy to bring to this space. You like Gerald? Oh, no, Gerald's great.

Speaker 2 I find him super lovely. Like, he's got nothing on Howard, but Gerald's great.

Speaker 1 God,

Speaker 1 Howard.

Speaker 2 Wait, did you call your dad Howard?

Speaker 1 Well, that's how I remember him. Oh, sure.
I guess I could go, daddy. But I think that there's just something I remember all that he was, and in that, I choose to remember him by his name.

Speaker 1 Because he was more than my father. He was a community leader.

Speaker 1 He was a paraglider.

Speaker 1 And he loved to dig. God, did he love to dig.
I remember.

Speaker 1 I remember being out there in the tunnels with Howard, and I'd turn my back for one second, and I'd come around, and all you'd see was a deep, dark hole, and you'd hear the distant sounds of

Speaker 1 that was him just digging. I also love that you were friends with him, you know?

Speaker 1 I'd look him in his eye and I'd say, Howard, I love you with all my heart. And one day I'm going to marry your daughter, and I'm going to die right after.

Speaker 1 No, you're going to make it more than 19 days. Okay.

Speaker 2 We all loved Howard. Why I killed him, it remains to be seen, but you could say at any time.

Speaker 1 At any time. At any time.
You say that all the time. You're always like, no, it's not the moment yet.
The tension are

Speaker 1 high enough.

Speaker 2 We'll be right.

Speaker 2 I think we're letting tensions get a little hot. I know we are now less than a month until the big day that you've been waiting 10 years for.

Speaker 2 So why don't we all just take a big breath?

Speaker 2 Maybe, oh, we're going to let the breath out.

Speaker 1 Okay, great.

Speaker 2 Why don't we all try maybe going on like a little adventure?

Speaker 1 We do have a contract coming up, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and how are we going to be able to pay for all those chicken taters?

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 Chicken taters don't pay for themselves.

Speaker 2 They don't.

Speaker 1 Well, maybe we should get started on that adventure. And you know what?

Speaker 1 Speaking of your old man, speaking of Howard, and I'm going to pull a paragliding, a parachute out from a closet.

Speaker 1 You know, we live our lives underground, but the sky.

Speaker 1 And I have a need

Speaker 1 to fly

Speaker 1 before they realize who you really work for.

Speaker 1 What? And I'm going to stuff a contract in my vest and say, to the sky!

Speaker 1 And I'd like to pull... Does someone else want to pull how to resolve this?

Speaker 1 Right for Howard!

Speaker 2 A negative outcome.

Speaker 1 I'm going to look and say,

Speaker 1 I'll never leave. I'll always be by the way.

Speaker 1 And the wind pulls the paraglider and shoots me out the window. Oh no!

Speaker 1 Fucking dead! My eranged husband! Bark!

Speaker 2 We gotta go after him!

Speaker 1 We have to.

Speaker 2 We gotta get Howard's backup gliders! Oh, sure. That's right.

Speaker 1 We do have plenty of backup gliders. God,

Speaker 1 is this wedding even gonna happen? Down the West Hole! Yeah, it's a wind tunnel.

Speaker 2 There's only one.

Speaker 1 I'm being pulled apart by bats!

Speaker 1 We cut to a scene where Bark Harmland being rocketed rocketed down a cavernous subterranean wind tunnel. Paraglider ripping into his underarms.

Speaker 1 His shoulder blades crack under the massive pressure of the wind pulling him down. Enormous three-eyed bats screaming sonar.

Speaker 1 Oh God, the sonic waves are blasting my guts.

Speaker 1 Oh, they pulled a foot off. I'm fucking dead.

Speaker 1 As he rockets down the wind tunnel, bouncing off the stone. Bam, bam, bam, driving driving the axe deeper into his head that's already stuck in there.
Axe, gone. Shield, gone.
Pants, gone.

Speaker 1 Rocketed down into a subterranean river.

Speaker 1 I'm fucking drowning. Guys through giant eaten by cavefish.
Swallowed

Speaker 1 deep in the dark inside of a cavefish. An interior light, bioluminescent, begins to glow as he sits in the upper digestive tract of this massive subterranean cavefish.

Speaker 1 He looks up at the light inside the cave fish, a smaller but still enormous anglerfish. The light allure he is eaten by a second fish.
I'm fucking to duck into two fish.

Speaker 1 In the smaller fish, tighter, less comfortable, smells worse. He looks around and he recognizes an old friend or perhaps enemy.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, it's my old enemy,

Speaker 1 Dave.

Speaker 1 He turns to Dave.

Speaker 1 What's up, motherfucker?

Speaker 1 Dave! Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Dave! This is working out nicely for me. Dave, you got to eat burnt two fish.
I did.

Speaker 1 Well, actually, I only got eaten by one fish, and then a second fish came along and ate that fish. Oh, I did.
And I found myself to a duck in.

Speaker 1 But mine came after the fact. I actually got eaten by the fish in sequential order.
God damn. Well, you old son of a bitch.
Did you orchestrate this?

Speaker 1 Did you make me look for Howard's old paraglider shoot and get sucked out the window by the wind tunnel

Speaker 1 before my marriage?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 This is all. Don't lie, Dave.
No, no, this is all.

Speaker 1 You are not going to power game me in this moment, all right? This all is going according to plan. Dave is going to produce a switchblade.

Speaker 1 I always dreamed that

Speaker 1 i would you would meet your maker at the end of my switchblade inside of a fish inside of another fish after you'd been supersonic blasted by three-eyed blats i wrote it in my journal which if i had on me you would be able to read i don't have friends the moment that blade comes out uh i think we get the like heartbeat of the fish and it's now uh it's kind of a sick beat

Speaker 1 Yeah, uh, turns out this actually is like in the bioluminescence. It's really kind of like neon pink.
We're really doing the kind of like Greek bath scene from John Wick right now.

Speaker 1 I look at you with the switchblade inside this thumping fish lit like a, lit like a rave, and I go, you hear me? I don't have friends.

Speaker 1 I have a gun.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to jump to the side and start

Speaker 1 firing as I shoot sideways through the air towards that series of crates stacked in a corner of the fish.

Speaker 1 I block several of the bullets with the edge of my switchblade, which is made out of adamantium. I mean, of course, you know how these things go.

Speaker 1 And I'm slowly going to approach you, slowly, deflecting bullets with the edge of my blade. I get an arcane walkie out and I go, This is far.
This is farth. Go for leaf, leaf.

Speaker 1 Can you hear me, sweet be?

Speaker 2 I'm throwing up a negative on this one. Wrapping up, and it goes badly for a bark.

Speaker 1 Sweet bee! Ah! I don't get service in the fish!

Speaker 1 And I'm gonna smash the walkie on the ground and say, time to go old old school. We're gonna have to get some old pals from hell, and I'm gonna cut my own throat.

Speaker 1 No! It was supposed to be my blade, not yours.

Speaker 1 I'm going to hell, Dave, and I'll be back with friends.

Speaker 1 Dave stands over the

Speaker 1 bled-out body of

Speaker 1 Bark.

Speaker 1 Closes the blade.

Speaker 1 Well, there's only one way to follow you opens it back up, cuts his own throat.

Speaker 1 In a wormhole rocketing down, I look back and say, oh no, that's right, motherfucker. You didn't accept Christ's love either.
No!

Speaker 2 We're going to pick up on the outside of

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 2 double, the double fish knife fight.

Speaker 2 I think the other three of us are now standing at the edge of that river, having just watched a second fish eat the first fish.

Speaker 2 And I'm just going to put my hand across like purelle puts her hand across uh leaf's sort of shoulders in the like the mom pose are you sure i mean look i

Speaker 2 that's a fish that ate a fish um

Speaker 2 are you sure we can find you another man no

Speaker 1 it has to be bark

Speaker 1 that's the way it was arranged and it also so happens that my heart also follows in the direction of that arrangement It's true.

Speaker 2 That's what Howard would have wanted.

Speaker 1 Why do you keep bringing this shit up? God damn it.

Speaker 1 I have my reasons.

Speaker 1 God damn it.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 I don't want to put you guys in a situation where you don't want to be. But Bark is my husband, and I'm a novice adventurer with a simple hand axe.
But I'm going to...

Speaker 1 I'm going to jump in the water and try and get eaten by the fish so that I can get my husband back.

Speaker 1 Okay, I mean,

Speaker 2 we'll help you, obviously. Here, hold on,

Speaker 2 let me catch some of them tears. I'm a water mage, so we can get in there.
I just wanted to double-check. You know, sometimes you get cold feet, wet feet.

Speaker 2 So, as long as you're like real bought in, let's go.

Speaker 1 My feet are

Speaker 1 so hot. I've got the hottest feet.

Speaker 1 If we didn't follow you,

Speaker 1 what who would be your bridesmaids?

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't have friends.

Speaker 1 I don't have friends.

Speaker 1 It's one of the things me and Bark connected on.

Speaker 1 I only have you.

Speaker 1 Pierrel.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. And you, Francis.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 1 Hey, guys, are we all hearing gunshots? Is that just... Holy shit.
Oh, Bark's using his gun.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Hey.

Speaker 1 You guys really... You want to do this for me? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. We wouldn't go...
we wouldn't

Speaker 2 we wouldn't be an adventuring party without you.

Speaker 1 I you know, I have to hate you. I have to hate you.
No, it makes sense. You can get it out of here.
I genuinely appreciate this energy in this moment. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Look, you're a novice adventure. You've only been out here, what, 40, 50 years.

Speaker 1 Tops. If not for us, how are you going to learn how to.

Speaker 2 He's bleeding. He's bleeding.

Speaker 1 Okay, hold on. We're coming, Bark.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say this has a positive resolution. Ooh.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 2 Then I'm going to use my noseblood that's connected to my blood brother. And as it hits the river, the entire river goes full Prince of Egypt red.

Speaker 2 And we make a whirlpool that we can all jump in. And we can also go to hell.

Speaker 1 We're going... Wait, we're not going to the fish?

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry. No.

Speaker 1 They...

Speaker 2 It's going to be kind of messy when you get there.

Speaker 2 They've both slit their throats and they're going to hell, I think.

Speaker 1 Both? Who's the other? Oh, don't worry about it.

Speaker 2 We'll see when we get there.

Speaker 1 And I skidoo into the hole.

Speaker 1 After you, Francis.

Speaker 2 Here.

Speaker 2 This will help you. And I hand you

Speaker 1 this requirement of

Speaker 2 fearlessness. Yay! Wait.
And I jump in.

Speaker 1 I don't feel fear. And I jump in.

Speaker 1 Hard cut to hell.

Speaker 2 I would accept some scene painting from my fellow party members.

Speaker 1 This is a crazy hell. This hell is so wild.
The sky is lava and the clouds are

Speaker 1 fucking blood. Blood clouds and a lava sky.

Speaker 1 The ground is a perfect replica of Central Park.

Speaker 1 Bright green, carousel, Bethesda fountain, some joggers. So all that sky stuff is fucked.
And then it's normal Central Park.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 instead of an angel at the fountain, it's a devil going

Speaker 1 the whole time. And it's like an animatronic.

Speaker 1 It's like doing it, like, you know, but it's clearly on a loop. Yeah.
And then you go over, and like, the statue of Balto is also a devil going,

Speaker 1 but you still cut him. Yeah, and all those white guys, all those white guys on that kind of long place where the guys are always playing piano.
The promenade, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the promenade and the paintings. They're all devils going,

Speaker 1 the John Lennon Memorial. It says, imagine a guy going,

Speaker 1 written out in text.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 here says, uh, says we gotta find your husband now, yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Oh, one second.
Can I get a hot dog? Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, if I know him,

Speaker 1 yeah, just mustard on that.

Speaker 1 He'll be at that one rock. Eight dollars, that's a rip.
Okay, what's up? Your husband? Yeah. Your beloved husband? Betrothed.
I'm not afraid.

Speaker 1 I'm actually quite casual, so I'm having a hot dog real quick. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Do I, can I get one of those?

Speaker 2 We do not have. Okay, look, maybe it's just me and my lack of fearless ground, but we have got to go.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's do it.

Speaker 1 Is the hot dog good, though? I do.

Speaker 2 Which one is that rock? You know, the one that's kind of the historic one?

Speaker 1 It's in here.

Speaker 1 The big historic rock.

Speaker 1 You see, there are some big glacial boulders around, these like large sort of set-piece boulders that were deposited by a glacier.

Speaker 2 That's the one! That's the one. And you have a tie to them with your water magic because there's not any fucking water down here.
The sky is lava.

Speaker 2 I'm out of my depth. I use all my shit on the way in.

Speaker 1 Well, Francis, it's on you.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Here we go. And I take my sword, which is lighter than air, and I poke one of the boulders.

Speaker 1 Ah, you've poked me, the devil, disguised as a boulder. You win hell.
You have three wishes.

Speaker 1 Hmm, sensuous, beautiful. Poke me again.
Oh, wow, gosh.

Speaker 1 Gosh.

Speaker 1 The devil's not changing into the devil. He's just staying in boulder form.
I don't know how to undo the disguise.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I could handle what he looks like if he were to change form. Whoa, I see your feet getting hot.

Speaker 1 Right in those little Susie.

Speaker 1 Getting hot. Might be a double wedge.
Well,

Speaker 2 we're looking for this young lady's uh uh betrothed have you

Speaker 1 seen a man who's cut his throat and is very very old oh yes absolutely i have are you lying

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 make it one of your wishes that he doesn't lie

Speaker 2 oh yeah i i wish that you wouldn't lie

Speaker 2 Except to spare my feelings sometimes. I got

Speaker 2 sensitive about things. And now, how does this happen?

Speaker 1 Well, I shall tell the truth in all matters except where it concerns your feelings.

Speaker 1 It is true. An older dwarf came by, I should know.
He works for me.

Speaker 1 What? Wait, what? Bark works for the devil? Before they realize it's on the card.

Speaker 1 It's on the card.

Speaker 1 We're doing the game. It's on the card.

Speaker 1 Bark works for the devil? Oh, yeah. It can't be true.
Of course it's true. He never accepted the blinding hot light of Christ's love.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a good thing our special throbbing gift of Christ's love.

Speaker 1 I also wouldn't accept it.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 I have, but if you describe it like that, I would maybe give it back.

Speaker 1 Yes, elves and dwarves notwithstanding, Christ is real in this world, too. I can't not look like a boulder.
My God, I have to tell the truth. This is wild.

Speaker 1 Okay, how about the second wish?

Speaker 2 Maybe is a little more directed in getting to Bark.

Speaker 2 Is that to your liking?

Speaker 1 Right now, I'm just trying to process that my husband works for the devil and never accepted Christ's love.

Speaker 2 Well, we don't know quite what he's doing for the devil yet.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, what's he doing for you? I wish to know what my husband is doing for you. Oh, there it is.

Speaker 2 I think you just ask.

Speaker 1 You don't have to do that. The second wish.

Speaker 1 The second wish!

Speaker 1 Bark

Speaker 1 promised his soul to me in ages long past when he was young,

Speaker 1 so that

Speaker 1 I would reject the soul of his former wife and command her to wander as a spirit in the mortal world.

Speaker 1 Wait, he

Speaker 2 gave you his soul to turn his dead wife into a ghost?

Speaker 1 Because if he had not, her soul would have been mine.

Speaker 2 Was she a bitch?

Speaker 1 Why? Yes.

Speaker 1 Stone-cold bitch.

Speaker 1 Rude for no reason.

Speaker 1 Mean to his parents.

Speaker 1 Absolutely wild in ways that honestly made her life harder.

Speaker 1 This scene is going to have a positive outcome. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Incredible.

Speaker 1 Well, um,

Speaker 2 Third wish? Maybe...

Speaker 1 I don't know. Do we have to do that?

Speaker 2 As a third wish, I say that we take over your duties here in hell.

Speaker 2 And now we have the power to grant wishes. And to...

Speaker 2 Now we have the power to grant wishes and to bring his first wife back and to float and find our friend.

Speaker 1 All three of you will be one-third of the new three-part devil trinity. Cool.
The mother,

Speaker 1 the daughter, the whole Unholy Spirit. Yeah, praise be.
Also, I want you to know, I took a look at some of your graphic design portfolio.

Speaker 2 What did you think?

Speaker 1 It's not bad. Oh!

Speaker 1 Bark and Dave are

Speaker 1 Bark and Dave are, I think,

Speaker 1 at the Woolman ice skating rink, which is totally melted because it's

Speaker 1 lava. Sky's lava.

Speaker 1 And I think that we are strangling each other and bashing our brains out against the sort of machinery that is now exposed. Why won't you die? He's already dead, Dave, you dumb pigs.

Speaker 1 I have to bring you back to life somehow so I can fucking kill you.

Speaker 1 You'll never bring me back to life. I'm a warlock.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What happened? I promised my soul to the devil.

Speaker 1 I promised my soul to the devil to save my dead bitch wife.

Speaker 1 I loved her so much I didn't want her to go to hell, but I couldn't accept Christ's love.

Speaker 2 I think the blood clouds are beginning to like congeal into like one big clot and it begins to rain blood.

Speaker 2 Then blood. blood.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 1 tastes like blood.

Speaker 1 It's funny. This whole time I've been hating you.

Speaker 1 But only in this moment, as the blood pours down around us, do I realize

Speaker 1 the exact same?

Speaker 1 I had a bitch wife as well.

Speaker 1 I gave everything for her.

Speaker 1 Isn't love a wonderful thing?

Speaker 1 It's all we got.

Speaker 1 I mean, especially once you reject Christ's hot, hard, long,

Speaker 1 throbbing love. The only love out there is the romantic one that exists between two beings.

Speaker 1 There's almost a way in which the...

Speaker 1 I could never truck with the idea that an externalized love that was only available through the auspices of an institution was supposed to supplant and actually take priority over the real sacrifices I was seeing from the people in my life.

Speaker 1 My wife.

Speaker 1 My wife wasn't a bitch.

Speaker 1 She was just rude in a funny way, playfully.

Speaker 1 And I...

Speaker 1 I don't think she deserved to go to hell.

Speaker 1 But I still knew that that's where her soul was bound. I wasn't smart enough to figure out how to break the cycle, so I made a bad deal.
I was just a kid, I was only 165 years old.

Speaker 2 Oh, Perrell!

Speaker 1 They're here. Look, he's here.

Speaker 2 Oh. And he's with your ex-husband, Dave.

Speaker 1 You ragged bastard. What are you doing down here? Purel?

Speaker 1 Dave?

Speaker 1 Wait, we're together. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Purel,

Speaker 1 Purel, boy.

Speaker 1 It's me.

Speaker 1 Francis!

Speaker 1 Francis! Oh, Francis! Francis!

Speaker 1 Francis!

Speaker 1 Oh, hi, Dave! Hi! Why do each of you have a burning red crown hovering over your head, wreathing flame with a bread?

Speaker 2 We're kings of hell now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm the

Speaker 1 unholy spirit.

Speaker 2 Unholy spirit. I'm the daughter.
I'm the mother.

Speaker 1 I have your pet. Your pact belongs to me now, Bart.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Leaf.

Speaker 1 You own my soul. I do.
Well, you own a 33.3%. A third of your soul.
Third of my soul.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we got the sort of majority stake.

Speaker 1 So watch your mouth.

Speaker 1 Leave.

Speaker 1 Isn't it funny? Isn't it funny how that works, Dave?

Speaker 2 Hey, wish though I could hit Dave.

Speaker 1 It's crazy.

Speaker 2 Well, we grant the wishes now. Well, we each grant a third of a wish.

Speaker 1 Oh, sure.

Speaker 2 I wish to freeze the sort of blood water pond around Dave so he's like a little statue.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 That's not the gig.

Speaker 1 Granting wishes to yourself. If the devil could have done that, he would have wished for God to forgive him.

Speaker 1 Instead,

Speaker 1 he can't even figure out how not to be a boulder.

Speaker 1 Wait, Pure.

Speaker 1 You think? That's right. You gotta get you gotta get your ex to make a wish.
You gotta talk it out.

Speaker 1 You gotta find common ground. God, this axe in my skull, it burns so bad.
Or just wish for it to be gone and I'll make it happen.

Speaker 1 I wish for this axe to be out of my head.

Speaker 1 A third of the axe

Speaker 1 and then the other two-thirds are gone.

Speaker 1 Unanimous. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna say this has a negative out there.

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.

Speaker 2 He's bleeding out.

Speaker 1 He's bleeding out.

Speaker 2 He's already dead. Why is he down there?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 this is Dave. I thought we couldn't die in hell.

Speaker 2 What's happening? Dave, do something.

Speaker 1 Make a wish.

Speaker 1 I wish that his head would stop bleeding.

Speaker 2 I don't want to grant Dave's wish.

Speaker 1 What? Oh,

Speaker 2 well, I.

Speaker 1 No, it's me, Jesus Christ. No.

Speaker 1 By sacrificing himself for his former ex-wife, he is now the dominion of heaven and corporate.

Speaker 1 And also, but the thing that was stopping me from getting him was that cursed axe in his head. It served, we couldn't locate his GPS, but now we can.
I'm Jesus, and I claim Bark Harmland's soul.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, Mr.

Speaker 2 Christ, he's about to get married.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 There's someone we can talk to, I think, who can help us out of this.

Speaker 2 Back many, many years ago at Purel and Dave's wedding, I am seated at a table with all my adventuring party friends

Speaker 2 and also Howard.

Speaker 1 What a beautiful wedding. I'm having such a lovely time.
I can't wait to paraglide again.

Speaker 1 Well, about that, Howard.

Speaker 2 See, here's the thing: is

Speaker 2 I worry about your advanced age and also the paragliding, and that you have not accepted Jesus Christ into your heart. Really? Really? Yes.

Speaker 2 I know it is not the way for dwarves, but you know, else we live a long, good life and then we go to the bosom of our Savior.

Speaker 1 Wow, that sounds remarkable.

Speaker 1 Tell me, what what does one have to do to be accepted into the kingdom of God?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 2 you have to confess your sins, and then you read this tome that we have here, and,

Speaker 2 you know, but then the reward comes after.

Speaker 2 After. During life, it tends to be not as fun, and you be a bit disgruntled for the rest of your life.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 all right. I can confess my sins.
I've always been kind and diligent, honorable, and respectful.

Speaker 1 Everyone loves you, Howard.

Speaker 2 Francis, I think you see behind Howard, Howard's wife, Helen, is just, she's not like, she has a huge cross around her neck, and she's going, no, no, I want to go alone.

Speaker 1 He looks and says, I suppose the only sin that I should ask for forgiveness for is

Speaker 1 I lied one time about a friend's graphic design portfolio.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Francis.

Speaker 1 It's pretty bad.

Speaker 1 What the hell, Francis? Christ! It's my wedding day!

Speaker 1 Fill me deep with your love, Christ. He hasn't said it.
Is there a healer?

Speaker 1 Is there a healer here?

Speaker 1 And his hard, fast

Speaker 2 love

Speaker 2 into him. Helen's gonna grab you by the face, just fully chloroforms you and drags you off.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna remarry.

Speaker 1 Oh, Oh, I can see it. Endless thermals.
Tasty, puffy, white clouds. A pair of gliders' paradise.
Oh, Christ, your perfect love. I am s- Papa! Papa, get away.

Speaker 1 Oh, Christ's love is better than the love of your family. Papa, no.
Get the fuck out of here. Out of here.
Leave.

Speaker 1 Shut up.

Speaker 1 I think this is a negative outcome for myself.

Speaker 2 And I'm listening it was all for the best.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 Graphic design is my passion.

Speaker 1 So you stabbed a man on my wedding day?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 he's with God now.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 Hmm. I wonder if he has a kind of mirror opposite that I can pledge myself to.
Anyway, I'm going to go hit the buffet.

Speaker 1 Act one is now over, and the players must tally their positive blue cards and negative red cards to determine the tilt before act two.

Speaker 1 Red three.

Speaker 1 Red seven.

Speaker 1 Blue three.

Speaker 2 Red one.

Speaker 1 Blue two.

Speaker 1 Subtract. Blue one.

Speaker 1 The most bad stuff happened to me. I get to choose the tilt for the second half.

Speaker 1 I'm choosing between two.

Speaker 1 There's one that makes a lot of sense that would be very dramatically satisfying, which is Innocence. Somebody is not so innocent after all.
But I'm not going to choose that one.

Speaker 1 I'm going to choose Mayhem, a dangerous animal, gets loose.

Speaker 1 Yay!

Speaker 2 Hi, and I had the most blue. I was the most blue.
So my addition to this tilt is going to be paranoia. Two people cross paths and everything changes.

Speaker 1 Will Leaf get to marry her arranged husband who was formerly pledged to her as devil form, but now has been taken to Heaven Incorporated?

Speaker 1 Will we get those chicken taters ordered in time for the wedding? It's only a few weeks away. Will Pure Elle figure out how to curse her ex-husband, Dave?

Speaker 2 Will Francis find forgiveness in Leaf?

Speaker 1 Or

Speaker 2 in her new capacity as the daughter of the unholy trinity, will become even worse?

Speaker 1 Find out

Speaker 2 in the next half of this fiasco.

Speaker 1 Next time on Worlds Beyond Number plays Fiasco,

Speaker 1 a dingo comes out of nowhere and kills friends. Clink them together and we'll go there.

Speaker 1 Fuck your wedding. We gotta get your dad.
Fuck my wedding. Here comes Santa Claus.

Speaker 1 I'm too small. I can't reach the table! We have to cancel the wedding!

Speaker 1 That's just how adventuring parties go.

Speaker 1 You're a found family, whether you like it or not, which is not normally how fan families work, but in this world, it is.

Speaker 1 The weddings are arranged, and the families are found whether you like it or not. It's a family that you woke up one day and found yourself in.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 Kind of like a normal family.

Speaker 1 Honestly, yeah.