Fiasco! (Part Two)

Speaker 1 You can drink your fancy.

Speaker 1 You can drink your fancy.

Speaker 1 But the only Hebrew for the brave and true

Speaker 1 is Bruin at the Green Dragon. Hi, and welcome back to Worlds Beyond the World Fiasco.
My name is Erica Ishi E, and I'm supposed to be doing this intro. Hi, I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan.
I'm funny.

Speaker 1 I'm Lou Wilson.

Speaker 1 I'm not doing this bit.

Speaker 1 I will never do this. That's exactly what I'm doing.
I'm not doing this bit.

Speaker 1 Hi, everybody. I'm Erica Ishii, and welcome back to the second half of Worlds Beyond Numbers Fiasco Game,

Speaker 1 brought to you with stunning visuals.

Speaker 1 If you remember, last time our adventuring party was on their way up to heaven, I am playing a disgruntled elf named Francis Makudorma,

Speaker 1 who is at this moment a daughter in the Trinity, in the Unholy Trinity, ruling hell?

Speaker 1 Abrio, why don't you reintroduce your character? Well, hi, that's not her voice. Oh, boy.
I'm Purell. Yeah, oh, yeah,

Speaker 1 we got it. We found it.
There we go. Fargo, we did it.

Speaker 1 I'm Pure Ell.

Speaker 1 I'm a mother in our unholy trinity, and my ex-husband Dave's in hell as my eyes look ever skyward to heaven.

Speaker 1 I'm Bark Harmblin.

Speaker 1 I'm a dwarven man who's about to be married in a maid simple relationship where we use marriage to teach adventuring.

Speaker 1 But I'm also a warlock of the guy who used to be the devil, but now he's not the devil anymore. Now he's just a man who can't stop looking like a boulder.

Speaker 1 And my enemy Dave and me fought inside of a fish, inside of another fish, even though Dave was in the fish that got eaten, and I got eaten by two fishes in a row.

Speaker 1 I'm his wife,

Speaker 1 Leif Harmblund.

Speaker 1 I am one-third of the Trinity that is the devil.

Speaker 1 I am desperately seeking to take my husband back from Heaven Incorporated, where he has been taken.

Speaker 1 I also will at times play Dave, a man who wants to kill Bark Harmland for undisclosed reasons, who also made a pact with the devil and is Purell's ex-husband. Yeah.
Oh, that's right.

Speaker 1 I also had a pact with, I also tried to, to, I sold my soul to the devil to save my ex-wife before she died.

Speaker 1 And I think I sold my soul to the devil after hearing about the devil or hearing about Jesus at my wedding, where Leif Harmblund, the other character I play with this voice,

Speaker 1 had her father die and then refuse her love as he was sucked up into heaven. I also play the guy who used to be the devil, Jesus Christ,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 your dad, Howard. Yes, yes.
And let's be clear: Jesus Christ is sort of actively trafficking a dead dwarf into heaven right now. He has rocket boots.
He has rocket boots

Speaker 1 and hard, fast love.

Speaker 1 After a very normal act one, our players have drawn several cards to help move our story forward, for better or worse, before act two.

Speaker 1 Let's review those now.

Speaker 1 That's right. Good tilt.
Paranoia. Two people cross paths and everything changes.
What does that mean? We play to find out.

Speaker 1 Bad tilt. Mayhem, a dangerous animal's on the loose.
Why?

Speaker 1 I have an old ally polymorphed into a toad

Speaker 1 with whom I have a sentimental connection that we have yet to speak to. The disgruntled elves have a mighty need to be heroes by defending the little guy.
We have a location also from the past.

Speaker 1 A cave holding hidden tre uh a cave holding hidden treasure if you still have the map.

Speaker 1 Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh.

Speaker 1 Cave holding hidden treasure if you still have the map. So it's like

Speaker 1 if we lose the map, the treasure vanishes from the cave. I guess.

Speaker 1 Sick, Schrodinger's cave. All right.

Speaker 1 Oh, and of course, this all is under the gun because a story needs stakes. And I'm looking at the wrong camera.

Speaker 1 And the stakes are that the wedding is happening at the next full moon, which is tomorrow. Ooh, that's close.
We hadn't discussed that previously. I can't tell you.
We've discussed it now.

Speaker 1 Well, next full moon means as much as a month away. Okay.
Well, there's, I think, I mean, hold, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Like, cut in where we say we've got a month for our wedding, which is at the next full moon. Less than a month until the big day that you've been waiting.
It's happening at the next full moon.

Speaker 1 That means we got less than 30 days to plan

Speaker 1 this dang wedding.

Speaker 1 Because we said it a couple times.

Speaker 1 In which case, it happens twice in a month.

Speaker 1 I do think we had a month, but we're dealing with hell and heaven time,

Speaker 1 which move very differently. And we'll cover this in-world in canon very soon.

Speaker 1 We'll release a huge map of just all the lore you need to cover.

Speaker 1 This takes place in the same world as Interstellar. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Watch it.

Speaker 1 Watch it. Watch it.

Speaker 1 Love is it. Beat me watching that.
Yes, you watch it, yeah. Oh, because Interstellar was really good.
Love is

Speaker 1 the observable force in the universe that

Speaker 1 love no extraordinary. Everyone's gotta watch it right now.

Speaker 1 That lady was so creased that her dad went to save her. I'm about to go sicko mode.

Speaker 1 Erica, wrap up this fucking intro and start the fucking game. All this and more on our game of fiasco.

Speaker 1 I think under the lava skies of hell and

Speaker 1 the blood clouds as they rain down,

Speaker 1 I think Leaf takes a moment here at the Central Park Ice Rink, having watched her betrothed, who is 300 years older than her,

Speaker 1 be sucked up into heaven, Incorporated,

Speaker 1 desperately wondering how she's going to get him back.

Speaker 1 Remembers an old friend, an old ally, polymorphed into a toad

Speaker 1 who might still be in hell

Speaker 1 um and is going to move in the direction of where she believes he is

Speaker 1 rabbit

Speaker 1 rabbit

Speaker 1 yeve is that you oh

Speaker 1 old ally

Speaker 1 uh friend we're by we're by the

Speaker 1 fountain by the way which is a devil going yeah

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 there's a stream of of there's a stream coming from the devil going blah blah blah's mouth and uh

Speaker 1 underneath the the

Speaker 1 and underneath in the splash zone of that devil's blah

Speaker 1 water uh is is sitting a little toad a dingo comes out of nowhere and kills fred

Speaker 1 okay since a dangerous animal gets loose

Speaker 1 Wish to be alive.

Speaker 1 A third of Fred's body comes back.

Speaker 1 Which third?

Speaker 1 The one with the mouth. Long, spine, heart.
That's all you need.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. I'll take the important.

Speaker 1 Truly the bare essentials for an existing being appears in Leaf's hand as the wild dingo thrashes with Fred's former body.

Speaker 1 I'm in so much pain. I understand that, Fred.
I understand.

Speaker 1 Fred, it's so good to see you.

Speaker 1 You need something, Lee.

Speaker 1 I do.

Speaker 1 Your old ally,

Speaker 1 Bark,

Speaker 1 is in heaven. And so I'm going to keep you in this kind of pain.

Speaker 1 I understand you're in deep pain.

Speaker 1 I'm nothing but a nervous system. Brother, I get it.
I get it. And you are loud right now.

Speaker 1 But you got to understand, I need to get my husband back before our wedding. And given the nature of how time works in hell and heaven versus on earth, I think my time is short.

Speaker 1 Leaf, every time you try to approach the dingo holding Fred in his mouth, he kind of does the four, like the paws forward and wants to play, but will not let you get Fred. Jesus.

Speaker 1 All right. Do you have to toss Fred? Okay.

Speaker 1 Fred.

Speaker 1 Go along. I toss Fred.
The dingo goes and gets Fred. Shakes his legs.
This is unimaginably painful. Fred, I get it.
All right, you were, hey, you were Bark's ally, not mine.

Speaker 1 You just got to give me the data I need. How do I get into Heaven Incorporated and get my old husband back?

Speaker 1 Well, I'm glad that you came to me because all you have to do is take your crowns and click them together.

Speaker 1 And I know that

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 oh, fuck, one second, Fred yeah yeah yeah goes and gets it brings it back oh

Speaker 1 so do it do it and release me from this unimaginable pain Fred I never asked who polymorphed you into a toad

Speaker 1 it was

Speaker 1 your father

Speaker 1 my father Howard? Yes, Howard was the best actually.

Speaker 1 Being a toad rules

Speaker 1 even in this weird partially alive state in the mouth of a dingo

Speaker 1 now, isn't it?

Speaker 1 I think the dingo at this point is now just sort of like paws down, eviscerating Fred.

Speaker 1 All right, Fred, as you die in this moment, I don't know if your death is kind of worth anything, but I'm gonna go click my crown with my other two one friend and one fucking mortal enemy who I'm who's kind of growing on me.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna go click my crowns with them and see if I can get my husband back.

Speaker 1 Have a beautiful

Speaker 1 wedding.

Speaker 1 Friend!

Speaker 1 A dingo howls with you. Is that do dingos howl? Yeah, they do.
They can. I'm going to give you a positive outcome.
A positive outcome. A positive outcome.

Speaker 1 Leaf

Speaker 1 sprinting across

Speaker 1 Central Park in hell, running toward her one friend, one mortal enemy, crown in hand. Clink them together,

Speaker 1 clink them together, and we'll go to heaven.

Speaker 1 Man, you gotta try it with relic.

Speaker 1 Uh, I

Speaker 1 smash my crown in the space between you two as you bite into that hot dog simultaneously. Um,

Speaker 1 I wish I was in heaven and see

Speaker 1 Great. We're going to go to heaven.

Speaker 1 Bark is here,

Speaker 1 and so is Howard.

Speaker 1 And I think that

Speaker 1 as you guys arrive in heaven,

Speaker 1 Howard is going to turn paragliding and go,

Speaker 1 Francis.

Speaker 1 Oh, Francis. Oh, hi there, Howard.
You enjoying your paragliding? It's perfect. There's thermals as far as the eye can see.
Oh, good. So you forgive me for, uh, you know, putting you here?

Speaker 1 Oh, you want to see something? This is called a hard landing. Ah! Oh, no! Two boots spam right into Francis' chest.
You killed me! You killed me, Francis! Dad.

Speaker 1 Leave.

Speaker 1 My daughter.

Speaker 1 My sweet daughter. You're so happy here.
Oh, I'm so happy to be in the light of Christ's love.

Speaker 1 A vastly superior love to anything

Speaker 1 to anything I've known before.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's so good. That's the good stuff.
Hey, question for you.

Speaker 1 Did you know that Francis killed me? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why didn't you get revenge?

Speaker 1 Aren't you in heaven? Well, you see how?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I didn't explain why I killed him. And so.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've never known why it happened. I thought maybe you were the maybe you were the aggressor in this situation.

Speaker 1 I had mentioned to Francis that her graphic design work was a bit PU.

Speaker 1 What are you d what the fuck, Frances?

Speaker 1 Maybe Mr. Christ can look at my portfolio and he'll know better than your father.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna go get him. I'm gonna find him.
I'm gonna go look for Jesus Christ. When the devil said that you weren't your portfolio was bad, That was a lie to protect your feelings.
It's not true.

Speaker 1 You're a bad graphic designer. Jesus H Christ, where the hell are you?

Speaker 1 Who wants a steaming hot mouthful of love?

Speaker 1 Ew. I'm gonna say that this is a positive outcome.

Speaker 1 Hold on. I like this tilt.
Two people cross up. Wow, Jesus.
You are so tall and strong and brave. I would love a steaming hot mouthful of whatever Holy Communion you've got.
Get ready.

Speaker 1 Here comes a piping hot batch of love. Am I supposed to watch this or should we leave the room? No, no, no.
No, no, watching is a part of it. Okay.

Speaker 1 Crazy's gonna float out.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Oh, you're the one who killed Howard. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's fine. He went to heaven.
Right, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Killing someone who's bound for heaven's almost a favor. Think about that for a second.
Look at that. That's great.
Huh? Huh?

Speaker 1 Pyrrho. What's that? How you the one? I'm doing fine.
Better now. Yeah, you wanna go do do something unholy in the corner? Oh, I'm kind of the devil.

Speaker 1 The devil? Wait a minute. We're all one-third of the devil.
I'm one-third of God. Catholicism was right.

Speaker 1 Form of Trinity.

Speaker 1 Do we get up? Weird. We could Voltron.

Speaker 1 I dive bodily at Leaf.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 You are subsumed into me?

Speaker 1 We grow three feet taller and have a second set of arms. Amazing.

Speaker 1 I high five the first set of arms.

Speaker 1 Listen, I know we've had our differences, but can I get in on this? Oh, I guess you did my dad a favor.

Speaker 1 Oh, you guys are in for it now. Dad, bio dad, come to me.

Speaker 1 What's that, son? Hey, dad, jump into my chest. All right.

Speaker 1 Bio Dad. Hey, I'm right here too, son.
Take us forward. It's the Holy Ghost.

Speaker 1 All right. now you're in for it.
It's my dad, God, and my bio dad, the Holy Ghost. Okay, whose positive outcome was this?

Speaker 1 I don't remember anymore. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's see. This one's for you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, let's throw it to Francis. Okay, I have a positive outcome.

Speaker 1 Normal.

Speaker 1 That was so normal, guys.

Speaker 1 We're going to cut away to the wedding, where the wedding planner and the wedding planner and a bunch of the caterers and other associated parties who are helping to

Speaker 1 build, like who are helping to put on the wedding

Speaker 1 are all struggling to figure out what to do in the absence of bark and leaf.

Speaker 1 Mrs. Biggins, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 I've got 30 cater waiters kind of waiting in the back. Are we...
Do you still want us to load in? I see that the bride and the groom aren't here.

Speaker 1 I think they said I knew that they had an adventure, and I think we're just going to proceed as if the wedding is going to happen. Perhaps the adventure is matrimony.
Perhaps the adventure

Speaker 1 was love.

Speaker 1 So I think let's just keep the chicken taters are here and hot.

Speaker 1 Let's just prepare like everything is going to happen according to plan. Do you think they'd want top hats? What's that, old Jim? Do you think they'd want top hats? Old Jim, sorry, I can't hear you.

Speaker 1 Old Jim, you need to, you're screaming from across the room. Please walk a little closer, old Jim.
Do you think that they need to? Wait, now you're close, but you're whispering, old Jim.

Speaker 1 What's going on? Oh, okay. Let me protect.

Speaker 1 Okay, let me.

Speaker 1 Do you think that they would want top hats or a variety of hats? I don't know, old Jim. You're the hatter.

Speaker 1 Just any hat will be. Milliner.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I just want to clarify, it's not millinery if you're making them out of napkins.

Speaker 1 What if there are napkin-based people that wish for napkin-based hats? Oh, God, PC culture has gotten out of control.

Speaker 1 Old Jim, you make the hats you need to make. I will make do.

Speaker 1 Hey, I'm sorry to bother you guys, but if someone doesn't play with this skee-ball set in the next minute, I'm actually allowed to go okay if you don't play with it in the first 15 minutes then we don't have to stay okay okay all right do you want to play with college you know the professor doesn't show up in 15 minutes no it makes care you don't have to explain it we all understand exactly inherently what that means you know what's funny i tried to pull that off in high school and people got really mad at me

Speaker 1 and i said isn't this a isn't this a universal rule and they were like

Speaker 1 oh we don't like they got genuinely so upset uh anyway um so i'm gonna go play with the ski ball so that doesn't get taken back but I really I hate to be a stickler about this.

Speaker 1 The money, the invoice for the presentators. They have to pay for the wedding.
They have to. And apparently you have to pay for it before you before you start the wedding.
God damn.

Speaker 1 We see in the corner there's someone wearing half from the left side of their body is a wedding gown and the right side is a tuxedo holding a little stripe square little square on their iPhone being like someone has to pay for the wedding.

Speaker 1 I'm the wedding burser. I'm ready to charge someone's credit card on my phone.
Yeah, of course. Hey, they are almost here.
They are on an adventure.

Speaker 1 And as soon as the adventure ends, they'll be coming in and they'll be paying. It's almost 15 minutes.
I'm allowed to go home. All right, can I pay you just a little bit? Yes, sure.
$4.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, can it be any amount? Can we negotiate? How about a penny? You can also pay 10% of the wedding cost. I feel like you are just giving options.
I want to give you options.

Speaker 1 I think this is a negative outcome. I love skew.

Speaker 1 I think for the wedding planner.

Speaker 1 You can pay with your very soul.

Speaker 1 Alright. $4.

Speaker 1 10%. Or your very soul.
Do I have to pay cash? Going once? Do I have to pay cash? Going twice.

Speaker 1 My soul!

Speaker 1 My soul's going into the square. My soul's going into the square.

Speaker 1 Okay, it's another 20 arrangements no now.

Speaker 1 Oh, congratulations!

Speaker 1 Chicken taters. Is it all right if I have one, even though I'm the wedding bursar? Oh, good.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's very hot.

Speaker 1 Let's go back to heaven. Uh, and I think this is the team meeting

Speaker 1 for the like the devil Voltron on the inside as we try to figure out what our what our tactical plan is going to be as we fight the Father, son and holy spirit

Speaker 1 okay okay um fargo soul yeah thank you yeah okay so we're all here inside your body leaf

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 great it's lovely in here what the fuck is our plan well

Speaker 1 the christ pointed us pointed at us and said on the morrow when the thermals are at their highest we'll battle to the death and only one of us will win.

Speaker 1 So, I mean,

Speaker 1 win, I guess. It's true.

Speaker 1 We gotta, I think paragliding is our friend here. Oh, 100%.
You know?

Speaker 1 Oh, you know who used to be really good at paragliding? Howard. Howard.
Yeah. Who you killed for complaint.

Speaker 1 And he's here. Yes, and you gave him a gift.
Sorry, I'm still working through that. What if we absorb Howard?

Speaker 1 And become what? Some kind of quad, quad humanoid devil thing? There's no rule in Heaven Voltron that says you can't have more than three people inside of you.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 it might just be crazy enough to win.

Speaker 1 Oh, did Howard die? Oh, he did. Oh, you killed him, yes.

Speaker 1 I did. I stabbed him.
But, you know, heaven rules. Yeah.
I'm sure he just

Speaker 1 out there screaming. Yeah, he's going to respawn somewhere.
Oh, there he is. Yeah.
In that field over there. Oh.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Super Heaven.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck, he's in Super Heaven. God damn it.
We gotta get up to Super Heaven now. My wedding.
What about my wedding? Fuck your wedding. We gotta get to that.
Fuck my wedding?

Speaker 1 Ow, I'll be right back. I punch myself to punch you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Ow, that hurt both of us. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We cut over to the god mech. Wait a minute.
They're punching themselves. It must be some secret strategy to winning.
Dad, bio, dad, punch ourselves as hard as we can to beat them.

Speaker 1 The question is answered. Could God punch himself so hard in the head that he killed himself? The answer, yes.

Speaker 1 Taking his own life and triggering the suicide.

Speaker 1 God shoots straight to hell.

Speaker 1 I think this is a positive outcome for

Speaker 1 Pirrell. Oh my god, dude.

Speaker 1 Because as we see inside of Leaf's holy trint quad

Speaker 1 holy quad holy quad un holy quad our own unholy quad wins by default but even more importantly than that

Speaker 1 the suicide clause was triggered and that's Pierrell's favorite Christmas movie. I think we've also become God in heaven now

Speaker 1 Wait, what?

Speaker 1 We are God?

Speaker 1 Yeah, if God dies in heaven the person that's sort of responsible for becoming God becomes God, and that's the three of us right now.

Speaker 1 You see that all of you start to slowly change into Santa Claus

Speaker 1 and see

Speaker 1 right now. Bark is on a Venetian gondola, looking around, going, I think I got turned around.

Speaker 1 No, no,

Speaker 1 you had to write what you are supposed to be doing. I think I was supposed to be getting married, but I might be dead.

Speaker 1 Hey, man, hey,

Speaker 1 Venetian gondola.

Speaker 1 Giacomo, can I talk to you?

Speaker 1 Giacomo,

Speaker 1 squeeze it. Giacomo, Gian Carlo, Mari Beta.

Speaker 1 Listen,

Speaker 1 I've had a big old day.

Speaker 1 It is always a big, beautiful day.

Speaker 1 In Evon.

Speaker 1 Well, that's my, that's my question. First of all, I always knew because of the holy eternal city of Rome Rome that heaven would be geographically next to Italy.
It makes perfect sense.

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 Number two. See, we can justify.

Speaker 1 It still makes sense. Look, here's the thing.
I'm supposed to be getting married. Look at my watch.
Wait, I gotta get married in the next

Speaker 1 10 minutes. Oh.

Speaker 1 I killed myself to trick my friend Dave into going to hell. Sorry, my enemy, Dave.
But we're sort of pals now.

Speaker 1 In any case, I think the devil's not the devil anymore, and I think that my betrothed is a new third of the devil. Please, my Italian friends, help me get my devil friend from heaven

Speaker 1 so that I can get married. We need to call in our friend Dante.
He would know how to do this, going up down super heaven. Oh, Dante, Dante is an idiot.
We need Virgil, is what we need. Oh, sure.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Dante and Virgil? Those two plumbers who know how to travel through pipes?

Speaker 1 See? CG.

Speaker 1 See.

Speaker 1 Hey, but do not call their cousin

Speaker 1 Wavid.

Speaker 1 Wavid,

Speaker 1 he is a larger David. That's a very bad guy.
Positive outcome. Positive outcome.
Great. Well, we'll get Dante and Virgil.

Speaker 1 We'll jump through those pipes and we'll be back in our land of myth and adventure in no time for me to get married to my true love, Leaf, who I miss.

Speaker 1 It's a real

Speaker 1 hangover situation. My mama!

Speaker 1 God, I love the hangover.

Speaker 1 Let's see.

Speaker 1 We're offending everyone, and this feels so we've got these kind of three-arching storylines. It feels like we've got

Speaker 1 Try Devil Now God.

Speaker 1 We have got a hangover adventure

Speaker 1 through the pipes of heaven to get back

Speaker 1 to the wedding on time.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the wedding planner has no soul.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Within heaven, we see Purel, Francis, and Leaf merging into a trinity, six-armed, six-legged, 800-foot-tall Santa, a crown of fire and sprouting horns wreathed from his head, the light of God at his fingertips, a perfect unison of all divine and profane energy, a master of this new domain.

Speaker 1 And you are

Speaker 1 so late to this wedding!

Speaker 1 Here comes Santa Claus!

Speaker 1 What are we gonna do about this?

Speaker 1 We need to get to that wedding! I'm never gonna fit in my dress!

Speaker 1 I mean, your dress?

Speaker 1 Where's your groom? Oh, ho, ho!

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 Very pleased to meet you, new god. I'm Saint Peter.
I guard the pearly gates. I'd love to help you get to your wedding on time.
And by the way, let me say, I absolutely hated the old guy.

Speaker 1 I hope that we get some new

Speaker 1 exciting management directions around here. You betcha!

Speaker 1 Looking out for the little guy is what we need to do.

Speaker 1 Well, I think you should, and I'd love to get into all the big questions, whence, evil, various theodicies, etc.

Speaker 1 But for right now, I'm afraid you won't be able to fly. It's much too foggy here with all these clouds.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 how the hell do we get through the clouds that I didn't even know we could fly as Santa God?

Speaker 1 Santa God Devil, Mr. Santa Devil.
Miss Santa God Devil.

Speaker 1 Wait, are we canonically a lady?

Speaker 1 I don't know. All three of you individually are ladies.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. You can talk to all of us.

Speaker 1 Peter, you can see that we're three separate beings combined into one turbo clause, God. Oh, you don't know how to access your new.

Speaker 1 Listen, to manage the list of who gets into heaven, you have to be able to see into people's souls.

Speaker 1 Reach in. Reach into your heart and feel it there.
Tense up like you're gonna shit a barf. And you'll feel within your heart

Speaker 1 full. Wait, Saint Peter, shut the fuck up.
Okay. I feel something.
Oh, good. Saint Peter, shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah, I got it.

Speaker 1 No, you're talking when we say shut the fuck up, which inherently means you don't understand the command. Shut the fuck up.
I see your mouth. You moved your hands like you were going to talk.

Speaker 1 You are ready to speak, Saint Peter.

Speaker 1 I reached into my heart and I felt

Speaker 1 I reached into my heart and I felt heartburn, but I only get that when I eat too spicy a meatball.

Speaker 1 What could that mean? Peter, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Wait. Dude.

Speaker 1 Leaf, hold on a second. No, no, I'm fucking.
I'm sick and tired of this guy. I swear to God, you asked him to do something.
He refuses to do it. Okay, I understand.
I'll do it. Shut up, Peter.

Speaker 1 God damn it.

Speaker 1 Holy shit. Can we smite people? Can I smite you, Peter? Yeah.
You can smite me right now. Do it.
Hit him in the keys. I'm thinking about...

Speaker 1 Oh, no, because I think he's going to have some way out of it. So I'm going to smite him just right.
No, I don't. You killed me right away.
No, no, no. You're going to die if you're in heaven.

Speaker 1 You go to a super heaven. Yes, you don't want to go to super heaven, isn't it? Please kill me.
Yes, I knew it. No, we're bringing you with us.
Dang it.

Speaker 1 And you're going to be our shepherd through

Speaker 1 heaven, Italy.

Speaker 1 Heaven, Italy.

Speaker 1 Follow me. It's a long journey from heaven to Italy.
You're going to have to walk a quarter mile that way.

Speaker 1 Well, lead the way, little guy.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Almost got killed by the new lord.
Got sent to super heaven with the noninity.

Speaker 1 It's a nine-person trinity in super heaven. It's fucking crazy out there, man.
I'm feeling like this is a negative outcome for St. Peter.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I think it's a negative outcome here for Purel,

Speaker 1 devil, God.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think we're following St. Peter, but the closer he takes us to heaven, Italy,

Speaker 1 the worse Pierrelle's heartburn is getting. And she is gassy.
She's uncomfortable. I think she's kind of going through menopause inside of our Voltron, Santa Claus, god-devil.

Speaker 1 And you all get to feel that now. Enjoy the hot flashes.
What's happening? I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. Saints are not feeling good right now.

Speaker 1 Boy.

Speaker 1 The closer we get to our destination, the worse I feel. I feel like I'm just walking into or out of a Buga de Bapo.
Jesus.

Speaker 1 Wait, are we Jesus now? Which one of us is Jesus? Well, I didn't get to fuck the Lord.

Speaker 1 Come, my child.

Speaker 1 I was trying to, and then. You don't have to tell me twice.

Speaker 1 And Susan.

Speaker 1 So, right now. You don't have to tell me twice.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Games are good.

Speaker 1 This is what Logan wanted when he created this, right? I think I'm realizing deep into my heart, I took these cards as like a personal challenge. Yeah, we did.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, we're supposed to get crazy, huh?

Speaker 1 We're supposed to get nasty wild.

Speaker 1 We're doing it. This is what we do every time.
Every time.

Speaker 1 Story prescribing game.

Speaker 1 I'll set a scene in the cave.

Speaker 1 Dante, Virgil, you two are so good at running through pipes and solving mysteries. Here we go!

Speaker 1 Amazing. Wow, classic dwarven adventurer.
Dante and Virgil led me to this crystal cave

Speaker 1 filled with treasure. If I have a map, I'm gonna reach into my pocket.

Speaker 1 My map is it still here?

Speaker 1 Is it? I think it's a positive outcome. My map! It's still here!

Speaker 1 The map!

Speaker 1 Alright, you two crazy Italians. Help yourself to some heaping handfuls of treasure.
I think the moment you, like, touch the map, a beautiful rainbow road appears out of the cave.

Speaker 1 And instead of, in lieu of taking any treasure,

Speaker 1 Virgil, who is definitely the Luigi in this, just hops in, like skids out, and then zooms out of the cave.

Speaker 1 I think in this moment,

Speaker 1 Bark, you do have a memory far off in the back of your mind of Leaf going, how are we going to pay for this? My dad, I mean, we'll ask my dad, but how are we going to pay for this wedding?

Speaker 1 Wait a minute.

Speaker 1 The wedding? My poor sweet betrothed, she was so worried about how to pay pay for it. We're here in this...
in this cave filled with treasure. It's a miracle.
I know what I'll do.

Speaker 1 I'll use my gun to kill the wedding birds.

Speaker 1 And we've got all these go-karts. Wait, a rainbow road? The Bifrost!

Speaker 1 That's the road from Norse mythology. I'm a dwarf! Christ and the devil, this is not real.

Speaker 1 The Vikings were right. That's the actual cosmology.
We need to use these ancient Viking go-karts to go on the rainbow. Someone walks up and backhands.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'll use the treasure to pay for the wedding.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. And I'll kill the wedding burster for fun.

Speaker 1 Got it.

Speaker 1 Guys, scoop treasure into my bag.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 the Santas are headed to Italy. Yes.
Right? Yeah. Okay.
Is that where... And I guess the Rainbow Road...
We can see the Rainbow Road.

Speaker 1 We see the Rainbow Road. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Whoa, oh, oh, here we are in Roma!

Speaker 1 Oh, it looks just like I dreamed. I'm not doing the voice anymore.
I'm fucking hot. Can I get some ice chips or something? Oh, your feet are getting hot, little lady.

Speaker 1 My feet have been hot. Peter, can we get some fucking ice chips or something? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Buona se ram ya micci.

Speaker 1 Can I get three gelato for uh for my friends here? Esi, I see.

Speaker 1 I know this tiny little one-foot-tall Italian man. He runs the best gelatarilla in Venice.

Speaker 1 Clatia.

Speaker 1 Do you know the hand that you got?

Speaker 1 Miss Cool. I love you.
Oh, Bambino, Bambino, please accept this gift. You've been so good this year.

Speaker 1 Oh, Sandra! Se papa no wheel!

Speaker 1 Se peppa no wheel!

Speaker 1 I love his little back hoe he uses to get the ice cream.

Speaker 1 God, isn't Italy just the best? Unitilato? Thank you.

Speaker 1 Oh, thank you so much. Strachiatella, I just assumed everyone wanted stuff.

Speaker 1 Unitilato?

Speaker 1 Actually, can't get the pistachio? And one pistachio, man. Oh! Pistachio?

Speaker 1 Pistachio?

Speaker 1 Is everything alright?

Speaker 1 Everyone, shut up. Hold up.

Speaker 1 Hey, shut up for a second.

Speaker 1 And God, shut up for one second.

Speaker 1 This little one-foot-tall Italian man scrying.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with the pistachio?

Speaker 1 There's a nice pistachio.

Speaker 1 I'm too small. I can't reach the table.
We have to cancel the wedding.

Speaker 1 We can't. We can't.

Speaker 1 Hey, shut up. Listen to me.
Your wedding's done.

Speaker 1 We need to.

Speaker 1 It's a Christmas miracle.

Speaker 1 My voice. The voice of St.
Peter. Listen.

Speaker 1 Everything up to this point has been bullshit. Nothing matters more than giving this

Speaker 1 Italian man his batch of pistachio ice cream. Amoo?

Speaker 1 Amoo? Moo?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 what's your name, little one?

Speaker 1 Alessandro. Alessandro.

Speaker 1 Listen.

Speaker 1 You can send me to hell. You can send me to super hell.
You can send me to super duper hell.

Speaker 1 There's a third hell? 27 parts super super devil.

Speaker 1 See.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I will be only too glad to suffer in eternal torment if I can get little Alessandro his pistachio ice cream. Everything up to this point has been leading to the conclusion of this story.

Speaker 1 Hey, so I just remembered that we're disgruntled elves, and I think we should maybe kill Saint Peter. Would you do the honors? He's somebody's father.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I'm gonna stuff your stocking, St. Peter.

Speaker 1 Oh no!

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 this is a good moment for Erica. I think this is a positive

Speaker 1 choice to stand up for the little, even littler guy than Saint Peter,

Speaker 1 the little pistachio man, or little gelato man, Alessandro. Alessandro.
Even though St. Peter wanted to do what Alessandro wanted, it actually turns out there's some super fucked up shit that St.

Speaker 1 Peter was going to do. St.
Peter was like making it about him. Yeah, he was.

Speaker 1 Oh, you punched my head off. I was going to use this opportunity to buy a controlling stake in Alessandro's gelataria.

Speaker 1 I had bad and nefarious ulterior motives. I'm fucking dead.

Speaker 1 Why don't you open your gift, little one?

Speaker 1 Bambino. Little boo.

Speaker 1 To be clear, I think he's a grown man.

Speaker 1 He's just short. I fully forget how this character was talking three minutes ago.

Speaker 1 Well, open your gift.

Speaker 1 It's a pistachio form.

Speaker 1 A tiny one.

Speaker 1 Hi, are you our new owner?

Speaker 1 We're in a lot of debt.

Speaker 1 We did it. We did it.
It's a Christmas miracle.

Speaker 1 And soon.

Speaker 1 We pick up at the bottom of the Rainbow Road, which, as Alessandro, tiny Alessandro, was asserting his dominance over the pistachio farm, we backed away slowly, accidentally hit the rainbow road, and slid all the way down back to the world and we are back on earth.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 we're back on earth.

Speaker 1 Just in time for the wedding, but we're still three people in one bottle.

Speaker 1 Dearly beloved,

Speaker 1 we are gathered here today. What are we gonna do?

Speaker 1 To stall for three minutes and three minutes only. We have three minutes.
We have to separate ourselves. Ho ho ho.
But how could we do that? I don't know. Ho, ho, ho.
Get out of my body. You guys.

Speaker 1 All right. Okay.
I'm going to do it. And I take...

Speaker 1 I take my sword, the sword that is lighter than air, and I poke a hole in the top of us.

Speaker 1 And I float out. Oh, look at us.

Speaker 1 I got my own body again, don't you know?

Speaker 1 Are you sh I mean, okay. Come on out of there, PRL.
No, I know. Okay, just last time, you and me, I just want to double check.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you sure you want to go through this?

Speaker 1 We've been so much. We've become so much.
We were both the devil and God and Santa

Speaker 1 and real estate brokers, I think, a little bit. We were.
And I think in all of that,

Speaker 1 what I've realized...

Speaker 1 Is that whether I'm the God,

Speaker 1 whether I'm God, the devil, Santa, or, you know, empowering a really small, racist Italian man, he was racist. We just didn't see it.
You could tell. He was racist.
You could tell.

Speaker 1 Whatever it is we're doing, the only person I want by my side is the person who contractually I am

Speaker 1 culturally and contractually obligated to marry.

Speaker 1 And that's Bark.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Did someone say go-kart?

Speaker 1 And I'm going to

Speaker 1 pull up in a go-kart, lugging so much treasure.

Speaker 1 Beautiful bride. Oh, hold on.
Let me just get out of there. And I'm gonna climb through the hole that I guess you trepanated out of, and just be like, let me get it.

Speaker 1 Watch a woman climb out of a hole. Come on,

Speaker 1 boy, howdy. I'm like Athena.
Fully farms. Hi.
Hey, you.

Speaker 1 Blood Brothers. Hey, Blood Brothers.
Hey, that didn't come up up too much today, but that's okay. Yeah, you know, it's sort of just family.
Family. Family.
Hey. Hey.
I don't have friends.

Speaker 1 I found all this treasure.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 We... To pay for the wedding! A beautiful bride deserves a beautiful dowry.

Speaker 1 We've been all throughout this place. We've been deep underground, wind tunnels, and cave fish, all the way to hell, where you became the new devil.
All the way to heaven, where you became the new God

Speaker 1 all the way to Italy. Wait, did you see that part?

Speaker 1 I kind of lost where we lost track of each other. I've been on a text chain with some people that have been letting me know what's up.

Speaker 1 And what I learned from all of it is this. Sometimes our friends put pressure on us to experiment with drugs and alcohol.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 But it's always the cooler option. to say no if you're not comfortable.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's a right time for everything. It's not uncool to be a virgin.
It's not uncool to say no to drugs. That's something I believe in deep in my heart.
That's why you went to hell when you died.

Speaker 1 Do a little bit of drugs. That's fine.
A little bit? Like a little bit. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Once you're married to me, you can do all the drugs you want. Belissima, what's that? Is that a little pistachio ice cream?

Speaker 1 No, that's strachiatella. Look at pistachio.
That's me. This is a positive

Speaker 1 outcome. This is a positive outcome.

Speaker 1 Then on that high five, I grab your hand and pull you close and say, you don't have friends. You have family.

Speaker 1 Let's get married.

Speaker 1 Yay!

Speaker 1 See it? Scene. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dearly beloved.

Speaker 1 We are gathered here today to celebrate so many ski ball noises. To celebrate the uni.
Hey, can we hold on the skee ball just during this part?

Speaker 1 Hold the on ski ball

Speaker 1 Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Bark Harmblin and Leaf Harmlin

Speaker 1 Joined together by cultural custom for the purpose of sharing adventuring knowledge and expertise

Speaker 1 Are there any here chicken tater chicken tater chicken tater? Can we hold on the chicken taters? Like give us we're just we're gonna like our vows are gonna be short if we're doing chicken taters.

Speaker 1 Can I do ski ball if I'm being really quiet? No, we're not doing either either one. We're holding on both for just a second, guys, and then everyone can eat all the chicken taters they want.

Speaker 1 We like got so much treasure, we could pay for everything.

Speaker 1 Okay, but what about skee-ball? Purel,

Speaker 1 chill.

Speaker 1 You can continue.

Speaker 1 You may now kiss the bride. What about our vows?

Speaker 1 All right, can I read my vows? Yeah, to yourself. What up, buddy? Let's grab this gelato.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm a mother, mother, mother.

Speaker 1 Alessandro, my man.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 How's the pistachio coming? Oh, I'll talk about the common.

Speaker 1 I love blood nuts. I want to hear your vows.
You do? Yeah, I do.

Speaker 1 Bark.

Speaker 1 When I first met you,

Speaker 1 They told me this man is going to be your husband because that's the way we do it down here

Speaker 1 And from that moment

Speaker 1 I was a little scared

Speaker 1 But as

Speaker 1 we went through our ten-year engagement leading up to this day

Speaker 1 I Realized that you had the adventuring knowledge That I wanted

Speaker 1 because you have been on an incredible adventure called life

Speaker 1 and I

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 am also on that adventure and I am excited to learn the way

Speaker 1 you

Speaker 1 have

Speaker 1 always been a great listener an awesome travel companion and you have the best taste in corny jokes one of my favorites that you always used to tell every morning was

Speaker 1 the one about the cornflakes I waved the fly away

Speaker 1 where you would say, what's that in my cornflakes? And then I would say, what is it? And you would say, it's a kiss for you. And then you'd kiss me gently on the forehead.

Speaker 1 Stop playing with the mouse.

Speaker 1 It was these kind of quiet mornings that made me realize that you are exactly the kind of man I want to wake up with every day.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, I'm talking.

Speaker 1 I'm holding on skeeball and time of death.

Speaker 1 You are the kind of, you are exactly the kind of man. Was that was somebody skating? Please stop.

Speaker 1 You are exactly the kind of man that I want to wake up next to every day as I learn to adventure. That I might one day marry another person and teach them to adventure as you have taught me.

Speaker 1 You are my rock.

Speaker 1 I am your, I'm your river.

Speaker 1 I I love you.

Speaker 1 Yay!

Speaker 1 And I finished the necromantic ritual to bring him back as a rednet. Oh, it's beautiful, honey.
Oh, thanks, Spark. I can't feel my skin.

Speaker 1 Hey.

Speaker 1 You always have my back. Well,

Speaker 1 if this is a wedding, then a wedding needs a reception. Get those chicken taters.

Speaker 1 Everyone come congratulate my beautiful wife. And hey, wedding burster, burster eat leg bitch

Speaker 1 act two is now over each of our players will tally up their outcome cards to determine the aftermath of our beloved heroes an epilogue to our misadventures in heaven hell cave and Italy. Francis

Speaker 1 tried her best all throughout her life to stand up for the little guy, to,

Speaker 1 you know, do right by her friend, question mark, Alif,

Speaker 1 but in the end,

Speaker 1 was sent to hell and there met with Frank Lloyd Wright, presented him with her graphic design catalog, and first of all, he went, I'm an architect, why would I care about this?

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 it looks terrible. You have no sense of

Speaker 1 unity in your lines. There's

Speaker 1 you use comic sans too much.

Speaker 1 And crushed, she spent the rest of her days

Speaker 1 mourning by a screaming frog and the Bethesda fountain.

Speaker 1 For Purel,

Speaker 1 Inferno, Paradiso.

Speaker 1 One place left that we didn't get to go to. Purgatory.

Speaker 1 Purgatorio is where Pierrelle spends the rest of her life and her afterlife, having successfully done a necromantic ritual binding her from heaven and hell alike as she puppets Bark's body through a tumultuous and frankly athletic wedding night and the rest of their wonderful life together.

Speaker 1 Somehow, at some point, Dave's ass showed up and it became true purgatory as she was locked in sort of neutral marital bliss forever.

Speaker 1 The end. Also, not enough, not enough to stash you away.

Speaker 1 Burke

Speaker 1 spends the most beautiful,

Speaker 1 joyful,

Speaker 1 incredible

Speaker 1 18 and a half days

Speaker 1 with his wife before passing on to

Speaker 1 hell with one L,

Speaker 1 the Norse realm of the dead.

Speaker 1 And he goes, I knew it. By Frost, the Norse gods were right all along.
It was a Fugesi.

Speaker 1 They put up a mirage of heaven and hell to cover for them while they went to Italy and robbed the Bellagio Cassino. It was a heist by all the Norse gods.
That's what the story really was.

Speaker 1 Flash back and you'll see secret scenes all along the way.

Speaker 1 Secret scenes. There were secret scenes all along the way.
Stop hitting the table, dude.

Speaker 1 And Bart goes. I hate doing this job with you.
Now that's the Italian jobs.

Speaker 1 After 18 and a half of the greatest days of her life, having,

Speaker 1 I don't know, pretty decent sex sex with an old man puppeted by

Speaker 1 a disgruntled elf.

Speaker 1 Leaf

Speaker 1 is,

Speaker 1 Leaf's life falls apart.

Speaker 1 The zeal and thirst for adventure is gone.

Speaker 1 Leaf realizes that perhaps

Speaker 1 The sense of adventure that she felt and that she pursued was perhaps barks all along and perhaps that was not something they shared, but it was just something that

Speaker 1 Bark was able to give her and that she could not find in herself.

Speaker 1 She feels deeply and truly broken inside.

Speaker 1 And like, that's what it says, brother. It's straight up what it says.

Speaker 1 She feels truly broken inside. and spends every day wondering

Speaker 1 living in the material plane wondering if she should just die and go to heaven, or even if she went to heaven, would the rules change? What is existence? What is life?

Speaker 1 She spends the rest of her days.

Speaker 1 She spends the rest of her days contemplating what it means to be alive while gently eating racist pistachio ice cream from the littlest one-legged Italian man in the world.

Speaker 1 And Alessandro's incredible.

Speaker 1 He is racist and thriving and rich.

Speaker 1 It's a bellowful sound.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for joining us in this, our

Speaker 1 biggest fiasco.

Speaker 1 We hope you've enjoyed a little

Speaker 1 soissant of video content.

Speaker 1 We appreciate you so much and getting to get together here at the beautiful Dynasty Typewriter to play silly games and make each other laugh too much is our greatest joy and gift.

Speaker 1 And we thank you for that. So, and until next time, we see you by the fireside.
A hoo-hoo and crackle-crackle. And let's all say it together: a one, a two, a three.

Speaker 1 It's an belly

Speaker 1 daughter.