Ari Shaffir Goes To Cuba w/ Robert Kelly | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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And I hope you're gonna have you on board today.

Where you been and where you going?

This This is our Reese Travel Show.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about travel today.

It's you'll be tripping, yeah,

did you chop these or no?

Not yet.

Okay,

are you ready?

Yeah, we set this up.

Nice.

Dude, the lights just hitting that that that uh

yeah

the uh

fucking church bank bank

it

everybody welcome to you be tripping

That's it.

I'm with you what what one one one one one one nothing one nothing one nothing one nothing one nothing

oh my god cut all that up please I just gave you

a non-verbal

I got you on a I waited for this one all weekend to do this ready

non-verbal

I got you on a because you're so used to the verb verbals just trying to get you and i went like this and you got so intense

damn it's recording yeah i got you

i got it on the heels of me trying to get you on the heels of you trying to get me and then i use my my my

special

You are special.

Yeah, you are special.

Yeah, okay, get angry.

It's fine with me.

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to UB Tripping.

This is your new host, Robert Kelly, because Ari.

All right, settle down down there.

Get your fucking Chica Dumage.

My guest today

is Ari

Shafir, or they like to call him here.

Huh?

Ori.

Where are you from?

You know, they have the same letters as we do, right?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

Hola.

You look good, buddy.

You look.

Okay.

You look like Fidel's retarded son that he never showed the public.

No, do not put Adi in front of camera.

We will never win revolutionary.

I like when you try to use Spanish, but all you do is put English with like a dr like kind of like

a mongoloid drawl.

I do accents.

Which is what you should have been.

Listen, since you're talking about it.

Show me Southern.

How you doing?

Not bad.

Now show me

Boston.

The fuck, kid?

What are we fucking doing out here?

It's fucking six.

Try cleaner.

Cleaner.

You want a fucking cleaner?

Cleaner.

Cleaner.

PG.

Oh, you want a cleaner?

Listen, kid, here's the thing.

I'm out here at 6:30 in the morning, and I gotta be.

I should be in bed.

Done.

Great.

All right.

I said, Done, cut.

Show me.

Yeah.

Show me

Down syndrome.

Dude, how's this trip been so far?

Okay, now I've done some crazy trips.

This one was the best,

worst trip I've ever been on.

It was worst trip.

But in the best way.

I mean, this trip

had everything we didn't want it to have.

That would have, this trip had everything that we wouldn't have came.

If we knew what was going to happen, we would be like we can't go we can't go well power went out in Cuba not

not

some some they had power outages the power went out in Cuba

about two weeks before we came in the country and then Val was like hey you can't guys can't go power's out we're like oh I'm sure I'll get it back and I'm like how much and she's like look it up and I was like Between 80 and 100%.

And it was like, oh, not like rolling blackouts.

Like, what's the difference between rolling?

What's the opposite?

Rolling blackout and steady blackout.

Steady blackout.

Sustained blackout.

When I heard about Cuba, but it's so funny because I know we were meant to go on this trip because

I came up to you.

I was looking for you at the cellar.

I found you.

And you looked at me, you go, they don't have power.

And I go, what are we going to do?

And you go, we're going to pivot.

And I go, check.

Pivot.

Pivot.

Where did we narrow it down to?

Nicaragua.

Nicaragua?

Nicaragua?

Yeah.

And we only said Nicaragua because of the way you like to pronounce it with that drawl.

Well, you were really adamant about that.

You're like, I've felt a lack for the last few years of not being able to say this.

But if we go to Nicaragua,

then we can do it.

I remember you saying that over and over.

I was like, Bob, come on, Sherad's right in the room.

That is nuts.

That is nuts.

Keith's here.

You said Keith can't chase me.

That doesn't matter.

Dude, my Boston accent makes everything sound racist.

Keith can't chase me.

He can chase me.

He just wouldn't do it.

You said Sherad's a problem.

You said Keith is not a problem.

You said Gerard would mind it less, but he'd be more of a problem on foot.

Keith wouldn't mind it, but he hangs out with the crew that minds it.

Right, right.

He had to show say face in front of Reggie.

Dude, here's the thing.

You checked right away, and you said, it's back on.

Panama.

Nicaragua.

Nicaragua.

We said Haiti is a joke.

Or you said Haiti is a joke because you make those jokes.

I don't make those jokes.

You wouldn't even make that joke.

You would just go?

Day?

I wouldn't go to Haiti

if Dawn's life depended on it

you know no way yeah

but then we're like all right let's see what it is but because then val was also like it's soon i was like no it's like it's like a while from now and she's like you're leaving in five days yeah like oh she goes they currently don't have power no it was tuesday we were leaving

uh yeah we're leaving monday yeah i guess friday sunday well even sunday but yeah yeah we went to miami we stopped but you checked right there at the cellar and it was like battle's back on and we go well good so sweet not even repivit here's the thing

most people would have been like

should we think about it because they did just lose power which means for four days that means there's no food the meat is gone there's going to be supply demands yeah it's going to be chaos there here's what they were saying too they're like no no but they're saying the whole system's fucked and it and i said no no but the system's been fucked they go it's 40 years out of date i'm like all right but it it didn't just break it's been breaking so they'll tape it up yeah and they'll be fine.

What I found out, because I've been watching so many videos here, I haven't watched any bullshit except for Deadpool 2 during the blackout.

During the blackout.

Hang on my second.

No, we did not, actually.

We'll get there.

We'll get there.

The thing is,

they constantly deal with this.

They blackout this city all the time.

They shut the lights up on certain sections where things go wrong all the time.

It's like being in New York and having them go, the L train is out.

They're like, yeah, yeah, that happens.

Or more like a seven.

Sorry, Brooklyn.

Yeah, it happens all the time here.

These people deal with it all the time.

All the time.

Yeah.

They just don't have electricity for a couple days.

Yeah.

And that's it.

But you know who does?

Who?

The hotels.

The hotels always.

Well, they have generators.

They have generators, but they also.

Let's back up.

Yeah.

Let's back up.

Oh, we'll back up.

Yeah.

Let's start with.

Hang on, hang on.

Bob.

Come on.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

All right, we're backed up.

You gotta take that to Glassman's podcast, bro.

That has no place here on this podcast.

Take it to Glassman.

You're fine.

He'll appreciate it.

I mean, it's the same face.

Hey, hey, guest editors out there.

Would you mind shipping that off to Glassman?

Let him do something with it.

Maybe you can use it.

Thanks.

I'd like to not let anything go to waste.

You do know.

Camera two?

Camera one.

You don't have your shoes on, so it is kind of like Glassman's podjack.

What are the fuck is it called?

Podcast?

Yes, Dr.

McClure.

Take your shoes off.

Welcome to UB Tripping, everybody.

It's a travel podcast.

Every week, me and my guests go to another location, a beautiful place around the world.

They take me to a place they've been, and occasionally, rarely, to a place that I've been with the guests, and that's today.

We go to Cuba.

Let's get looking.

Robert has a special out on YouTube yet?

It's on punchup.live.

You ever going to put it on YouTube?

Yes.

When I do my next special, I'm going to put that on Punch Up, and then I'm going to put my other specials.

I'm going to try to get two specials and put it on YouTube.

I should put it on YouTube, huh?

Yeah, it's time.

I'm not, can I be honest with you?

Yeah.

The Live from the Village Underground was my favorite special that I've done.

Who owns that?

This last one, I am so fat in it.

Fat.

I mean, not fat.

Like, I was fat in Live from the Village Underground, but not obese.

It was like I was heavy.

You're pre-fat.

You're pre-obese.

This one,

I was at my heaviest.

I can't look at it.

Do you think you were

as fat as Bird is now?

No, I wasn't that fat.

No, no, no, no.

No.

I was heavy.

I was heavy.

So you can't, I get that.

You can't look at it.

You don't have to look at it.

You just let the people look at it.

Yep, you're right.

It is funny that when we did a show in Miami, you see people are like,

wait.

It's just like, that's not, I haven't, you're bigger.

Like, I just saw a clip of you yesterday, and you were massive.

What's this?

So, we came in in the morning, which I think is a good idea.

Cuba, Havana.

We spent the night, instead of coming here straight from New York, like New York, whatever, whatever.

We were like, no, let's go, let's spend the night in Sunday, go Monday morning.

We'll get in here.

Well, we had to come to Miami first, anyways.

We could have just laid over and then gotten here at like 7 p.m.

Sun says it's 6:30 right now.

Fuck it.

Here's a podcast called You Know What Dude, and also a podcast called The Regs.

And I have a podcast.

I think he's solely destroyed by Luis Gomez.

I have a podcast called Bone to Pic.

He's got a podcast called Bone to Pick.

Favorite dude you love with Paul Versee.

Yeah, I do like Paul Verse.

What do you say like that?

I didn't say it like that.

I said your favorite dude that you love, Paul Versee.

No, you said it with some sort of.

No, that's your own insecurities.

You're going to have to own that one.

No.

Why would I say that?

I don't know.

I didn't.

I said you love Paul Versey.

We talked about you love Paul Verse.

I don't know how that's gonna be like this.

Well, fuck it, just don't do that.

Put it in your other hand.

I mean, like that.

I'll do it too.

Okay.

Just fucking make a directorial fucking choice.

So he came in Monday morning.

No.

And Bonfire, don't forget Bonfire with Big Jay Okerson.

I will forget it.

Why?

I choose to.

I choose not to.

We come in.

Do

security, through sorry, customs, it's a breeze.

Customs was amazing.

Literally, no problem at all.

And we're in and out in seven and a half minutes, ten tops.

Yeah, customs was amazing.

And then

it looked like

a Jewish deli in a hurricane.

Can I give another one?

Yeah.

It looked like Disney World if it was in the projects.

Okay, I got one.

It looked like

downtown China at one of those waving cat conventions.

I got one, ready?

It looked like Cuba.

That'll do.

That'll do.

That'll do, pig.

Yeah, it was crazy.

No line.

Just like, come on.

It just kind of moved.

When we were, I scoped it out because it went up.

around back and in and I was like no no bypass get to this line I counted it was six lines going into one and no and at some point you should have to push Can I say something though about these people?

If that was New York, there would have been fights, arguments.

Nobody fought.

Because they know they'd be in jail.

People, right.

People just let people in.

People cut you off.

You just took it.

You went the next.

You got to kind of muscle your way in.

Even if that it was all these lines going into one and nobody talking to you, nobody directing anybody,

these people worked it out.

Yeah.

They worked it out.

They did work it out.

Yeah.

Which was pretty amazing.

If that was in New York, people would have been like, oh, she was in front of you.

I was in front of you.

Yeah.

The fuck, what do you cut me off?

It would have been a chaos.

Some yenta would have been like, I'm not, why would you, Henry, he cut me off.

None of that shit.

Yeah, none of it.

Yeah.

I mean, they could have been saying that.

I didn't understand anybody.

Hey, guys.

I'm back in the studio away from Havana.

This is a good one.

This is a good one.

On location.

This is our first one.

No, we had another one.

Zane Jareski was on location, but never on location in the place we're talking about.

And that's Havana.

Fucking

fucking cool.

So, before I go any further, I got to tell you about Bobby Kelly.

He's one of the funniest comics working.

He crushes.

He is a super hard follow.

And he had a special called Killbox that was released on LouisCK.com for only $10, which means none of you saw it.

And I have convinced Bobby,

because of my listeners here.

You'll be tripping to release his special for free on YouTube.

Everybody, go right now to youtube.com slash atrobertkellycomedy.

And you can watch Killbox for free on YouTube.

Subscribe right there.

Also, subscribe here where you're watching this or listening to it.

You'll be tripping.

I'm almost at 100,000 subscribers.

But right now, I'm talking about Bobby Kelly.

Right now, I'm talking about Bobby Kelly.

Guys, you got to go see Killbox.

Go watch it right now.

Get it in the algorithm.

Leave a comment for him.

Do that here too, but definitely leave a comment for Bobby Kelly.

Let's get that to a million views for a hilarious special, Killbox.

It was when he was fat, too.

So, by all means, I know we won't like this.

Make as many fat jokes as you want in the comments.

I am allowing it because that's not even who he is anymore.

He's way thinner now.

He's also appearing in: here's a quick tour schedule: Kansas City, Batavia, Illinois, Levitt Town, Philadelphia, Uncasville.

Where the fuck does he play?

Seattle, Tampa Bay, Charlotte, San Diego.

Myself,

well, I got two announcements.

One, I got this sweet ass

mask in Havana

on the last day at an arts,

an art

commune.

What are they called?

Artists.

I don't know.

What a bunch of artists hang out.

I got a mask, my white swallow.

So we're going to put it up.

I'm going to put it up in the white swallow, everybody.

If you don't know what the white swallow is, I've been over it.

It's what white women do when they want to fetishize other countries and other nations.

And I am

cool.

Cool.

How does that look?

Not bad at all.

Hell yes.

Got it from Cuba.

Check out my podcast, You Be Trippin', every Monday, sometimes Tuesday,

at UB Trippin' Pod.

I've also got a special coming out on Netflix, January 14th.

You guys are going to love it.

It's called America Sweetheart.

Set your calendars in your phones right now.

Go press play and let it play.

That's how the algorithm works on Netflix.

You got to watch it all the way through.

Just let it play on January 14th.

I've also got a tour date, my farewell tour, the only tour of 2025 and the last of 2024.

And

then nothing else till 2027.

So if it's one of these cities I'm about to mention, I will not be coming back to your town until like 2028 or 9, except for Denver and Austin.

Austin, that's sold out.

Lake Tahoe, December 21st in Lake Tahoe, Nevada.

Then Pittsburgh, Providence, Salt Lake City, Brea, Nashville, San Antonio, Tampa, Denver.

That's a best of week.

That's why I'm coming back.

I'll do my next hour next time.

Schaumburg, Illinois, Atlanta,

Georgia at the Tabernacle with Adrian Appalucci opening.

And Portland.

I think that show is almost sold out, if it's not sold out already in Portland.

San Jose, Orlando, Dania Beach, which is Fort Lauderdale.

Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton, and finishing.

That's in April, those last ones.

Finishing off at Anchorage in June.

And that's it for me.

Farewell.

I'm going to go

somewhere

to help sabotage my career, as always.

All tickets are at ari shafir.com.

That's it, guys.

I'm excited for my special.

Excited for this whites wall.

Stay tuned for the exit.

I have for my money wall, I got some Cuban money that I smuggled out of there.

I did not.

Well, I'll talk to you later about the smuggling out of the cigars.

And let's get back to the episode.

What a fun one.

Havana with Bobby Kelly returns now.

Oh, okay.

And one more thing.

Guys, I got to delete a lot from this episode.

The laws are wild.

I'll mention something in the outro, but people have been arrested for 15 years just for talking to YouTube bloggers about being a prostitute or whatever.

I don't know all the laws there.

So I don't want to risk it.

Generally, I'll like delete names of places

just because to protect like...

to protect it against tourism, but like

this one I'm deleting.

Just get ready for it.

As many names as I can find, and any places that I think are doing anything, even possibly not by the letter of the law in Cuba.

So, if you're gonna get annoyed, just let you know.

It's so people don't do 15 years in jail for

doing something seemingly normal to me.

So, that's it.

Let's go back to the episode of Ana.

So, we got picked up.

Luckily, we had our.

So, they have these cases, right?

Yeah, particular.

Casa Particular.

Yeah, you found those.

I did.

Just a way to support the people?

Yeah.

You stay with a family inside of the city.

It's like an Airbnb-ish.

It's Airbnb's.

It's just the Airbnb.

Yeah.

But there's not much fun.

It's a BNB.

More like a bed and breakfast.

You're not really renting it out.

I guess there's some that are just straight.

It's on Airbnb, but it's just more like they cook you breakfast if you want.

Yeah.

You see them and their family.

Yeah.

Or something.

So it is a BNB, yeah.

You're right.

Airbnb's really killed bed and breakfasts.

That little.

Bed and breakfasts are uncomfortable in the States.

You're sitting there with some fucking middle-aged family that are weird.

They don't know how to socialize.

You got to eat ham with them.

Yeah.

Fucking weird.

You only do it with

in like Vermont and New Hampshire.

It's disgusting.

Yeah.

I hate it.

And then you got to share a bathroom in a hallway.

Unless somebody gets married, too.

They're like, we're all going to stay at a BB.

All right.

Again, you can't come in.

They have a curfew.

Yeah.

Because you can't wake up the people.

Margaret wants to go go to sleep.

Yeah.

Ben Breakfast is in the state.

Fucking blow.

That was like in the 1800s.

Those were good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lincoln loved BMBs.

Loved it.

He loved Kawk, too.

That looks like the singer last night.

The hair.

His hairline was weird.

It's gray.

Let's stay focused.

Yeah, you have fucking crack energy right now.

What were your first, like, let's just talk about it?

I don't know.

Okay, we get here.

I'm going to say something.

We get here

flawless, except for that little line, but we not even bad.

Not even bad.

20 minutes, maybe.

20 minutes.

No checkbag.

No check bags, because I don't know what you're doing.

You brought stuff to throw out, right?

Yeah.

I did.

I'm throwing everything.

How are you going to throw it out here without them knowing we're throwing out valuable clothes?

I'm giving it to them.

You give it to them.

I'm giving them everything.

I said, hey, I'm leaving all this.

These valuable clothes are worthless to me.

Would you like it?

I'm not going to say it that way.

I'm going to choose another way.

I'm going to be like, hey, do you want these?

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't have to do the...

Sometimes you don't have to say that in their head.

Yeah, you don't have to do that.

Yeah, yeah, you can just hey look.

Yeah, I'll do that too.

Socks, underwear, too?

I'm gonna go like this.

I want socks and underwear?

I'm giving everything.

Why don't we give it to these kids who are always bugging us?

It's like, you actually want some fucking clothes?

Mine won't fit.

No.

Your wears will not.

That is true.

You don't get this view, but it's sun is just slowly coming down that old classic building.

The building's here, bro.

Well, you're getting ahead of yourself.

Okay.

Let's slow down.

Got a ride.

We get the ride.

Everything's perfect.

We get here, perfect.

The guy's waiting for us.

Yeah.

Yes, Ari?

As few names as possible.

In fact, cut out any name we say.

I just said guy.

I know.

I was thinking of his name.

I'm just like moving forward.

It's okay.

You can say it.

Guys, just cut out every name I say.

I don't know anybody's name.

Okay.

I don't even know your name.

I do, but it's Ari.

It's three letters.

That's about it.

Hoi to you.

Now we know Hoi too.

Nobody else in Hoi's name.

Yep, nice talking to you.

But then we got, I mean, everything.

We got in here, left our bags.

Here's the thing we did that was crazy.

We left our bags and we just hit the streets.

Went out into the city.

Not knowing anything.

I was quite nervous coming in, didn't know what to expect.

There's also very little information about Cuba online.

When you rely on everything online, there's nothing.

You know why?

The people here can't do interviews about Cuba being dangerous or say anything like that because they're going to arrest and go to jail for 10 years if they say anything about the but all the yeah, but all the right that's why we're bleeping out mates all the the vloggers the travel vloggers Yeah, they all peddle in fear

How about how much it sucks how the one lady was pretty good, but she was telling a story about how she got robbed pickpocketed.

Yeah, but what made me feel good was I didn't get any reports of violent crime.

And that's more what I'm worried about.

I'll lose my money.

It's okay.

2000, I did a whole, I watched a video.

2000,

you wouldn't even be robbed here.

You'd just be hassled a little bit for some money.

In the year 2000?

2000.

In the last three years, it's gotten robberies and stuff because they're desperate.

They need money.

They see you walking around with your fucking camera, your $3,000 camera.

They see you walking around with your phone, and they'll take the risk to get it, to sell it, to make some cash.

They also can't import anything, which is very difficult.

So they fix everything.

Oh my god, they fix everything.

They just can't get it in.

This embargo's nuts.

I don't know anything about it.

I don't know enough about it to comment on it.

All I know is

it's keeping people not great.

I know a lot about it.

You watched the video.

I've watched so many videos on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's basically

it's one guy back in the day.

It's rich people going, what the fuck?

One poor guy taking rich people's stuff.

and they're like, you took our stuff, man.

Go fucking kill him.

And they tried 600

assassination attempts on Fiddle.

And

he actually went to the bigger bully and was like, you know what, protect me.

And he did, which is Russia.

Which is Russia.

And Russia's not really that stable.

They fell.

Yeah.

And then...

Give the rundown.

I'm going to get coffee.

So basically, back in the day,

we had this place was going to be the new Vegas.

It was going to be rich.

It was rich.

There was

billions of American dollars coming in.

And these people were making so much.

It was one of the wealthiest countries in the world, Cuba.

And then what happened was

Fidel came in, took over everything for the people, took over all the sugar cane fields, all the coffee, tobacco, and said, this is mine now, when it was owned by American interests.

They were like, fuck you.

They said to the president, they tried to get them to come in here and take over over and kill him he did a little tiny

the bay of pigs they kind of tried to do it with us get out us getting involved it didn't work it screwed us and then Fidel was like I need somebody he went to Russia they became best pals considered Fidel like a son and

you know which was our enemy the Cold War and then there was the Cuban missile crisis which happened and they started you know we had all kinds of nukes in Turkey aiming right at Russia.

Russia was like, We need a place to put stuff 13 miles off the coast of America.

He put his missiles here, and then some dude and a sub, they were, you know, fucking, they worked it out with a letter and

Russia and America.

And

thank you.

And then,

you know, since then, it's okay, edit all that out, please.

Thank you.

What?

Yeah, I don't want any of that.

I can't do it.

Damn it.

No coffee, no sugar?

Ah.

Povovo.

Graci.

Uno.

Uno mo.

That's not.

Pofuvo.

He just said one more.

Yeah.

And you could use it.

I've always been really using close to the right word quite a lot here.

Quite a lot.

Anyway, I was scared, but now that I wasn't scared.

Walking around the streets, even though it's dingy, that smell of shit, dude.

Their smell and look of shit.

It's not smell and actual.

It's actual.

It's smell and view and actual of shit.

We hit the ground though the first day.

Can I be honest with you?

Terrified.

Yeah.

I was terrified the whole time.

We walked into, I don't know what the neighborhoods here.

Outside of, if you look at a map of Cuba, there's yellow areas, which are tourist areas.

Outside of that is where they live, the people here live.

And

it looks terrifying, but it's not.

It's every other building, too, will be this beautiful Baroque.

I don't know what that word means, but it feels about right.

I know what it means.

Baroque.

They don't look like they have money.

No, Baroque.

Oh, I thought you said.

Baroque.

It's Jewish.

Barocco, Thai, Mela, Ela, Omeno, Colomb.

Dude, your Hebrew is like legitimately identical to your Spanish.

Where you have a couple syllables correct to

it?

So if you know what you're trying to say, you do know what you mean.

But if you don't, you're like, what?

Oh, shit.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's all

Yeah, it was terrible.

It was a beautiful building, and then like that one is crazy governmental buildings.

Right next to some, like it looked like a bomb went off.

You can see the stairwells, you know how it should go into the building?

It's now you can just see through it.

People live there.

People live there.

People live there.

Yeah.

I wanted to stare in more, but then I didn't feel

it's like, this seems wrong.

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I did apologize.

Thank you, that guy, Jonathan, for apologizing.

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Also, maybe it's my fault for hitting a jump I couldn't hit.

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Well, here's the thing with you when traveling with you.

Which we've done how many times now?

One?

Just this?

I think one.

No, we've done this, but we've gone to other places.

And even walking around in New York City, you're not, you're looking around.

You're interested in every nook.

You're looking for something that's people walk by.

And when you come to this place, I knew you was going to have that.

You're in Spanish fee head.

It looks like Karen's Spanish fee head.

Right there?

Back behind you.

She's actually going to walk down the street.

You'll see her.

You have this energy.

You have ADHD to the highest level.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Just ash it.

You're going to ash in some fucking poor old Cuban lady's head.

Now they're there.

She's about to ash on somebody's fucking head.

You have ADHD, dude.

You don't focus.

What?

Exactly.

Well, nothing.

So you want to go in.

You're looking in this hallway of death.

Look at that.

And you're looking in, like...

That's what I mean safe.

They said no one's gonna

hurt you.

So it's just the money on your pocket.

That's Karen Fian.

That's Spanish Fian.

See?

That's her.

See, you won't let the care.

Nobody cares about you.

Nobody can see it.

You can.

I'm telling you.

No, you missed that.

Oh, my God.

It is Karen Feehan.

She's just

like her.

She's just in yoga, everything, hot pink.

Yeah.

She walks like Karen too, like she just got off a horse.

That's the black guy she takes.

It's very...

Look, I'm just going to say this.

It's not dangerous until it is.

You can't, you can't.

Yeah, we can get robbed.

That's what I would say is you can get robbed, but nothing's going to really bad happen because the punishments are so bad that you're taking such a risk.

If you rob somebody, it's 20 years.

I was thinking about yesterday.

That was like

somebody who was robbing me.

I was walking down a shitty street.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, if they rob me, I'm like, well, then they wouldn't run the risk of 15 years in jail.

But they'd be like, oh, you probably, you guys should blind me so I can't identify you.

We should put like pins in each eye.

Because it's not worth it.

No, don't give people ideas.

What if that becomes the thing?

All robbers have needles on them now.

Let's back up.

Guys, can you play that part where he backed up again and then put This Is Stolen from Rick Lastman on the bottom of the screen?

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Thank you.

But you have to, I really want to stress this.

When you're walking around outside of the Taurus, excuse me?

Stress me.

You trust me.

Damn, bro.

That's kind of hot.

That's kinda hot with a policia of it, too.

We saw a hot chick with a policia.

The colors of people here are wild.

How do you say this?

Como se dice.

Como sedice.

Como se dice

darker.

It's a range.

Like this dude's like on the light end of it.

That chick was black.

There's a lot of, I mean, afro cuban is a thing

you thought i thought they would all look like ricky crews you know like blonde highlights and yeah just it's uh

it's pretty crazy all right the the the let me just say this where we walked the first day looks like you will be murdered in five seconds true every and we walked for hours

hours into the fucking depths of the city yeah well nothing happened odd though we did show up just by chance on a holiday.

We get there, bro.

This guy's like, hey, do you want to ride around?

We're in the tourist district.

So this guy's like, do you want to ride around?

Do you want to ride around?

I'm like, no, like, I'll take it right to the city.

I'm like, that actually does sound cool.

You know, with a little like guided tour around the city.

Yeah.

He goes, one hour.

I'm like, yeah, actually, that would be pretty bomb.

In one of those classic cars, because the cars, because they can't port anything, they can't get new cars.

There are some new cars.

It's like wrong.

But they said there's no new cars.

We saw brand new cars.

New-ish cars.

Yeah, we saw some brand new cars too.

We asked how they got those in.

They're like, they got money.

Yeah.

It's pretty rare.

Whenever they left, they assumed they'd be back in two weeks when Fidel was done.

So they took their keys with them.

So they say a lot of people have to like screwdriver, start their car all the time.

All the rich people, when they left, were like, well, we're taking our keys, we'll be back.

When America deals with this, we'll be back.

America never dealt with it.

And

they had all these old cars with no keys.

And these people took them.

But I learned, too, the government,

the taxis, helped restore the cars.

The taxis?

The taxis.

The old cars, those are taxis that they...

The taxi service does.

The taxi service restores those.

Yeah, some of them are like bombs.

I was wondering how like...

Gorgeous.

The one we took at a beach was pretty decrepit.

Dude,

dude, that car,

pushed the brakes, and the car would go that way, he'd have to pull the wheel this way.

Somebody was crossing the highway,

two-lane highway, two-lane each way.

And

he goes, oh, shit.

So he started to just slow down.

Enough time.

It went

the fear on that, the guy crossing's eyes, where he's like, at first, he went from like, I should go, like, oh, I won't go to like, oh, I'm in the dangers.

This guy's coming now at me.

It was crazy.

It was crazy.

It was this.

It was this.

He was like,

but here's the thing.

We hit the street.

Guy hits us up.

We're like, no, no, no, no.

We're trying to be nice.

We don't want to be rude.

We get away from that guy.

We got away from him.

And then we're on another corner.

We went to right by the cigar place, and you're like, let's buy him here.

I'm like, no, let's go to Partagas.

Oh, yeah.

It'll give us an excuse to get through the city.

Here's the thing.

He took us in.

This guy off the street,

everybody's in on everything.

Because he took us in this fancy cigar place in the mall, right in.

Nobody questioned him.

Took him in, talked to the guy, and was like, here's the cigars, blah, blah, blah.

And

took us out.

And left.

And left.

Because we pushed him away.

We were like, yeah, maybe later.

It's almost like

when you're in the old cop movies, like, I'm telling him, it's like, they made me.

I got to walk off.

You get them from here.

I left them on Broadway and Lafayette.

He made me.

I was standing on the corner and all of a sudden this lady went, hey, and scared the shit out of me.

And was like, hey, I saw you at the airport, which they have really good.

You guys get here today?

They have really good first lines.

Where are you from?

Where you from?

This is standard, but that's almost hacky at this point because, like, now I've been here over two days.

You're like, you guys all lead with that.

Some don't even try.

They go, where are you from?

I'm like,

nothing.

They're like, and walk away.

Yeah.

But this lady's was the best.

She said she saw us at the airport.

I was picking up my sister.

Picking up my sister.

I saw you at the airport.

And I was like, really?

How you liking it?

I was like, well, that's interesting.

It's pretty cool how long you're here for that's like yeah you guys got a good guys got a spirit you're gonna enjoy this i'll see you later hey actually

but they do it very well i can't even i can't even mimic it right they go like this hey I saw you at the airport.

How are you?

I'm picking up my aunt.

It's nice, right?

How are you liking it so far?

Oh, it's good.

Yeah.

Yeah, where you from?

Oh, I have a sister.

Yeah, that's nice there.

How's it going good?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's crazy.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, she was like, you're going to chickens and stuff.

You go, what are you going to try?

I'm like, no, no, Bobby's got a fan.

But they don't walk away.

They are committed to staying with you.

It forces your hand to go, hey, I just want to be with my friend right now.

Yeah.

I do want to get into conversations with people and talk about life and stuff.

In other countries, in non-touristy areas, you can get that.

My friend Rolf, a travel writer guy I talk about a lot, he said that he was in Namibia, I think.

And he was in some place where they shine rocks and like sell them to tourists.

But he was a backpacker at the time, so he didn't have any money for that.

And he was waiting for his boat to come, and it was gonna be like nine hours.

So they try to sell him for like you know, 45 minutes an hour.

Then all the other tourists left, he's still there.

They try to sell him again, and after two hours, they're like, Well, we're not getting anything out of this guy.

And then they're like, What are you doing here, man?

Yeah, then there was like after that, it's like then you can get that conversation that you want to get into.

I think you here, I saw a video.

If you just give them 500 pesos, which is what?

Dollar fifty, they're fine, they'll talk to you.

They're done.

They just want, they just want.

That should have been the thing.

Here's 500 pesos.

Can you tell me some history of the place?

Yep.

Yeah.

They just need a little money.

They're drawn.

It's tough because it's such a big bill, and $1,000 is like, fuck, I'm not giving away $1,000.

It's $3.40.

When you figure out the math, you have this stack of money, and you're like, this is, I'm rich.

But also, you're like, I'm going through it all.

And you're like, yeah, we only changed 100.

I know we're going through it all.

But then she took us to get somebody else.

She gave me some some recs.

First, she gave me some recs.

La Garita,

where Obama went.

Yeah.

She goes, Obama went there.

And we're like, that could be cool.

We already went in going, hey, we're not, it's not a food place.

Everything we said said the food sucks.

I don't think it sucks.

It's just not outstanding.

No.

So it's like, don't be like

going around waiting for the exact right.

I have not had

this.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I shouldn't have shown that.

Hey, can you put in that backup thing again?

And then also credit, this is stolen from Greg Lasman.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Buddy,

she took us.

This is the craziest part is that I didn't even talk to her.

You

You

do now, but at the first couple days did not have the ability to shut the fuck up.

You, you, like, no.

You did not have, you, you were talking.

I was just trying to walk with my friend.

I'm just trying to walk with my friend.

They just don't take it as a no.

Buddy, I fucking didn't even say a word to her.

Your fear.

And then all of a sudden would have come in handy.

My fear.

You have no fear.

All of a sudden, we're in a street street off the main drag.

No fear.

In the neighborhood, steal second without taking a foot off first.

No fear.

Remember, No Fear?

Shirts?

Yeah.

They were big, they had little sayings.

That's the only way I got them.

I remember that.

You should never wear one.

Dude.

Somebody's got to locate me in No Fear Show.

I got to do that.

I got to find my fear.

I can't take it for that.

And Big Johnson, what was it?

Big

Johnson's.

It was something like Big Johnson.

It was a rooster.

It's a fucking big old date.

Dude, all of a sudden we wind up in some dude's house.

She goes, it's a holiday today.

No, she did.

No, he did.

She said,

she did.

No, the other guy did, too.

He said it's a festival.

It's a festival.

It's a festival.

It's the first Monday of the month.

First Monday of the month.

God, they get you on that because it was the first Monday of the month.

Yeah.

So the government.

Well, you know what they say, though?

They say it's the first Tuesday of the month, too.

Yeah.

Or they say it's the second Tuesday of the month.

They say any day it is, they go, This is

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Good day.

We were here November 4th.

Oh, yeah.

And that means that that means the third and second Friday was the first.

It wasn't the first day of the month.

Yeah.

So listen, look at my finger.

Look at my finger.

Follow my finger.

Stay right here.

So anyways,

we wind up in this guy's house.

Who's that actor that goes like this all the time?

I mean, you're nuts.

There's a fucking moped in his house, his bed.

And then you're talking to this guy.

He's clearly ripping you off.

She said, the government gives you half half the money today.

They suspend

Finance in a little bit.

It's a lie.

So everything's half price.

It's a lie.

But only today.

They're not Cubans.

Oh, it's okay.

They're not Cubans.

Well, they're Cubans, but they're shit.

It's a Cuban pile of garbage, scrap, and fucking found tobacco leaf.

And you're negotiating with this guy for Canadian money, which nobody wants.

Nobody wants Canadian.

No, who does?

Oh, come on.

It's crazy because I'm like, no, no,

the current exchange rate when I left is 0.71, Canadian dollars to U.S.

dollars.

So I'm like, all right, whatever the exchange rate is, U.S., it's a Cuban, 0.71 of that.

Like, no, it's going to be about 0.55.

It's terrible.

They also turn back a crumply bill, which you've had a bunch of people.

They can't have any rip money.

What else?

The government won't take it.

But here's the thing: so we're sitting there.

I look over in the corner, and there's a full

major league

voodoo setup in the corner

with burnt animal parts, a doll of some sort that's black from ash.

You're looking at that as I'm looking at these frayed cigars with no labels on them.

He's yelling at me in like a deep Spanish about some deal.

And I'm just like, oh, I just wanted one right now.

The guy's like, no, you get a box of 40.

And I'm like, no, no, I like one.

And then I go, like two or four, that's all I want.

Just want you to smoke.

He goes, all right, fine, here's, put five in, we'll call it this.

I'm like, wait, what's the math on that?

He goes, all right, tell you what, put five more.

Look, just like,

I went outside.

I left you in the place.

What the fuck, dude?

You gotta help me on that.

You're the fucking cigar expert, Bob.

You gotta be like, no, these are wrong.

I showed you, hoping you'd be like, no.

Dude, I'm not getting fucking beheaded.

There was a voodoo doll in the corner of the room.

What are you gonna do?

You're gonna lose it.

It was Jobu.

It was straight Jobu, bro.

You're gonna fucking lose maybe $100 or we both get murdered?

I'm not fucking doing that.

Well, with the exchange rate is $140.

With what I could have changed it in for, which what I would have done, I lost about

110.

You lost $110.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was

pretty epic.

And then we did.

My mistake was bringing, I had this Canadian bills left over from

merch in Toronto where I sold out two shows.

And

put the Glassman thing in there, back up, and take that out and give them credit.

Rick Glassman.

Stolen from Rick Glassman.

Yeah, stolen.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

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I'm out of here.

Here's the thing, though.

Every single day we were here,

even that day, was full

of

insanely,

not one bad day.

Not one bad day.

Not one fucking bad day here.

So that night, so we went from the restaurant.

Yeah.

Also,

the cab driver didn't rob us.

I was expecting 30 bucks to get to that Obama restaurant.

And I was ready to fight.

Now I'm finally ready to fight.

That first guy didn't get me, right?

I wasn't ready to fight.

I mean, she walked me out and was like, no, it's right there.

You should go.

It's like, whatever.

I know.

Okay.

She's like, I'll show you.

I'm not doing anything today.

Dude, it was like good fellows.

She's like, no, in there, down over there.

We're like, what?

And we're such fucking pieces of shit.

We're such people pleasers.

We went in to a guy's house.

No shirt on.

In the middle of nowhere.

it was dirty just a concrete slab room with a moped in it russian dissidents are treated better than this guy lives

with a moped in it and jobu straight

it was still smoking it was smoldering that's even worse than smoking i love his smoldering

He had his little presentation though.

He had all these shitty boxes, these crappy boxes on the table,

presenting his storefront.

But in hindsight, that's what they do.

Everybody has like storefronts, they sell cookies or cheese or cakes.

He's showing it to us as if it's like, look, a store.

And we're like, none of these are stores.

It's like when I moved to New York and the guy was trying to sell me weed in Washington Square Park and he did the old switch rule behind his back.

But he goes, no, I got to go weed here, smell it.

I smelled it.

And then he was like, see, it's pretty good.

I saw him go behind the back and I was like, hey, just so you know, before you switched out, it also wasn't good.

Oh, yeah.

Like, you switched out bad for worse.

I already wasn't going to buy.

Yeah, the storefronts, it's just in their apartments.

Some put concrete slabs up in the doorway up to like about here so you can sit behind it.

And they sit, they have bars on the window, and they pull up a window.

But you're sitting, like, I'll, oh my god, you never buy.

But by the end of the week, it's like, oh, you need rice.

Just walk up to the window.

You got, you got.

Do it.

You got this.

You got it.

You know the Spanish on this.

Next time we come here, and we should come here again, after you're done with your quest,

I will know more Spanish.

So I didn't have my guard up to fucking, I was now ready to fight, to argue, get my way.

I'm not paying 30 bucks, talking down to 20.

The guy's like, 10?

Yeah.

Like, oh.

Yeah, sure.

I love when you're ready to fight, argue, whatever, and then somebody is like, not even trying.

You're like, uh-oh.

One time I was at the comedy store, I was working the door.

And I was working, Duncan Trussell was the talent coordinator, and I was the assistant talent coordinator.

I also worked the door.

Duncan stopped working downstairs at that point.

So I was the, Duncan was on on vacation, so I was the standing talent coordinator for a week or two.

And

I was working the door, and somebody pointed at me, and then pointed at this black dude who came into the main room in like a track suit.

Meaning like, chuck this guy.

And then the black dude started coming over to me, walked over to me, and I'm ready.

And I'm like, what I should do is let him come through that front door towards the lobby of the main room.

You know the comedy store at all?

Yeah.

If I can get him out,

I can pull the curtain behind him, and now he's out of the room.

So now he's not, I'm not going to argue while the show's going on.

Joey Diaz is on stage.

So he comes out, I pulled it close behind me, and it was like, and then it's Chris Rock.

And I'm like, oh, I'm ready to chuck a fucking homeless guy that came in off the street, and it's Chris Rock.

And I'm like, oh,

oh,

yeah, and he goes, can I go up?

And I'm like, oh, wait,

I'm about to fight you.

And I realize, not only is it not just a guy who's going to disrupt the show, it's a legend.

And I'm the talent coordinator.

It's not that I'm a door guy now.

It's that they pointed, hey, Ari's the acting talent coordinator.

And he goes, can I go up?

And I go, oh.

So I have to reframe the whole thing from anger to, oh, deal with this.

And I go, it's the first time he's ever been there when I was there.

I've been there for six months.

He hasn't come yet.

So it's like, what?

I'm meeting Chris Rock.

And he goes, can I go up?

And I go, oh, yeah.

Well, usually people

jump on in the in the original room and this is this is the main room the OR is where people like pop in

and he goes yeah but I saw Joey Diaz the last one on the on the lineup here in the main room and they still got like five more comics in the in the OR so you're not even thinking right so I figured don't bump anybody and I was like oh that makes sense as a talent coordinator yeah so basically he became the talent coordinator yeah he usurped me yeah I was usurped

and and

yeah, I was like, sure, yeah, absolutely.

Dude, that guy,

he did one hour, cooked on whatever.

At 1.55, he goes, ah, shit, the way Seth gets off in five minutes, so I'm going to wrap it up.

Cool.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, so that was that guy

with a cat.

Drove us to the restaurant.

Pretty good.

He was a great guy.

Restaurant was beautiful.

First of all, if you come in here, this is what I say.

If you have no expectations, you'll have everything you need.

We came here with no expectations.

That's not bad.

We just were going to see this place, experience it, that's it.

So when we went to that restaurant, first of all,

it's in the middle of looks like, you know,

it doesn't look good.

The neighborhood's fucking nuts.

Like, as compared to what we're used to.

Even in New York's bad neighborhoods, they're still not this bad.

But all of a sudden you go through a door, there's a guy sitting in a chair, and it's the most epic.

You go up, it's almost like the bottom is bombed out.

It's bombed out.

There's graffiti.

And you go up the stairs.

And all of a sudden, you're in this ornate.

It's a beautiful

1913, I think.

That's what it built.

It was fucking beautiful.

Beautiful.

The roof deck is beautiful.

You can see the kitchen, which I like.

Is there a roof deck?

I looked over the roof deck, and what I saw?

Piles of feces.

Yeah.

It was like we're in a little.

It's literally just shit and beauty running parallel.

Pretty good.

Yeah.

Pretty good meal.

Dude.

Got a Cooper Libra?

It was so much better than I thought it was going to be.

It was fucking.

The raville, it was all good.

Yeah.

Fine.

Yeah.

The pork, you had fish.

The ambiance.

Was it the fried fish?

No, that was somewhere else.

No, it was the regular fish.

It was great.

For what I thought it was going to be, it was awesome.

Solid.

And they're like pretty expensive, though.

I'm like, yeah, it really was.

And there was like, oh, no, 50 bucks.

50 bucks each.

That is included.

Everything.

And I got two alcoholic drinks

and a bottle of water.

You got

Coca-Cola, coffee, and a big bottle of water.

Yeah.

Meal each, two sides,

and

split an appetizer for, so I guess like $40 plus tip is to get it.

$99 something.

It was like $100.

Tried to tip her two.

Did not notice.

This is the thing.

Let me just say this.

Before we came, this fucking asshole, you got to get two $2 bills.

I'm like, wow.

I asked you 20 times.

I mean, every day he obsesses about these $2 bills.

You would say, I asked you too many times.

Hey, make a thing that goes off in the middle of that, just go and make it like a Cuba flag, and then say, we also stole this from Rick Glassman.

Thank you.

So

I'm like, John, you gotta go to the bank, you gotta get me twos.

She's like, why?

I go, there's a thing with twos.

If you give people twos,

shut up.

It's it's worth seven.

I said it's worth about seven dollars.

It's about worth worth seven dollars.

So if you give them a two, it's really giving them seven.

Because the value.

So I'm like, all right, I get all these fucking twos.

Dawn comes back with twos.

I have all these stupid twos.

Who's stupid?

My dreams are stupid.

It means nothing.

Nobody.

Well,

the lady at the restaurant didn't notice it at all.

She goes, thanks.

Yeah, and I was like, I'm expecting this.

Oh, hey.

I was too.

I was expecting the chef to come out.

You think I wasn't disappointed?

Some old Cuban eddy.

The chef to come out.

Her to pull out an old two she got from Kennedy.

There's nothing.

Nobody gave a fuck.

You know what a two is here?

It's two.

You know what she would like better than a two?

A five.

Fucking $2 bills.

I got so many fucking $2 bills.

We got one reaction.

We had to ask a guy at the buffet the day of the hurricane, the morning of the hurricane.

We had to ask a guy.

He was like, is this, this is something right?

He goes, Oh,

yeah, it's like,

look, man.

And you kept going like this.

Yeah, milk it, milk it.

We got in such an argument going down the boardwalk.

But anyway,

we'll go back to where we went the first night.

But, dude, we got in such an argument about the value of the job.

I was like, I didn't say it was the equal value.

I said, the overall value.

He said, you can't trade it for that.

I said, no, the emotional value.

People don't know that when we get to the point of view.

It has to be court.

It has to be a court case.

There has to be a judge.

There can be a judge.

Go on.

It's all about.

Dude, we were calling witnesses.

Dude, dude, I don't fuck you.

Dude, come on.

I'm the judge.

Don't ever object me again.

When I run my court, I run like Sarah Arapayo.

They're so happy.

It was still hot.

There's another.

It's still hot, but not so hot.

It was hot enough that it was like growing, but then I was was like it could I in my mind I was like it could keep growing with heat it just went to there and stopped buddy we fought so

we fought for 48 I was ready to push you into the fucking ocean

if that if that cop hadn't hadn't stopped us from crossing the ocean you'd be in it we're burying the lead man all right we just got we just got

we were just having literally a full-fledged argument about two dollar bills and we got told by a full bird general how to get the fuck back to our casa you guys came to the most dangerous point in the city along the seawall.

Let's go.

Good on it.

You know what they say to see is angry that day?

Yeah, they mean this day.

Yeah, they mean this day.

Listen to me, dude.

We had the first night was such a great, I mean, it felt like we were here a week.

We did so much.

We went from there.

Yeah.

Well, we went to, the first day we went to,

we went to Pottigas.

We walked through, I mean, the

ghetto, the hood.

It's a better word.

Not the ghetto, the hood.

We walked through the hood, all the way to Podogas, closed.

Then we went to H.

H.

Upman.

H.

Upman.

And smoked.

Open.

Open?

Coolest fucking lounge.

Here's how scared I was.

We got pictures of that.

Some guy

grabs me and goes, no, no, no, no.

And I'm like, oh, fuck, another house with voodoo.

Takes us, points us to the door, open it up.

It's this insane, beautiful cigar lounge.

It is weird.

It's all, it's like some, this is what I'm reading.

It's half between

a

scamming you and half like, actually, we all need you guys to leave money here.

So let me help you leave money here.

Helping you with anything they can to get other money.

If I don't get it, someone else will get it.

Well, I'll be better off.

You have to understand when you come here, they just need money.

If you give them a little money, you know, but the fear of Americans is that it's going to be like pigeons.

You throw a piece of bread and it's going to be crazy.

Like, it's not.

It's not.

You can give, hey, dude, here you go.

Thank you so much.

And they'll be like, cool.

They're just trying to get some money to eat food.

That's it.

To have money.

That's it.

And you have money.

Yeah.

That's it.

He helped me in.

Yeah, go.

Usually I do tips at the very end.

I'm going to do tips as I think about them.

I do travel tips.

Yeah.

So, like, could be for here, could be for there.

My travel tip here is: don't change your American money.

It's

pay in American.

No.

You change it and then pay with Cuban, it's not as good.

The prices are in American dollars.

Yeah, but I say, I'm going to disagree with you, Tom.

Okay.

Your pro tip, I say if you give them 500 pesos, 1,000 pesos, they're fine.

No, no, no, that's for the tips.

Because they can't.

Yeah, that's for the tips.

What I'm saying is for purchasing, all you're doing is changing it to Cuban and then they're changing it back.

You're losing money.

So if you buy, the cigars were like $1,790 in American dollars.

You could have changed that to get the value up, but then they'd be right there calculating the same or slightly off price.

Just pay 20 bucks and get changed.

Was that a tip and a tip?

A tip and a tip, yeah.

A tip about a tip.

So your tip is keep 500s, maybe separate pocket, four tips.

So if some dude's like, hey, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like, hey, thanks, man, appreciate it.

Here you go.

And he'll walk away.

Here's another tip.

When traveling to Cuba, go and experiment with the twos because it doesn't do anything.

It does in Ecuador.

It does.

It does in Ecuador.

In one fucking place where it's magic.

It's one of the other places too.

I wanted to experiment and see what it does here.

You did 75 times.

75 fucking twos you gave.

So we went to eight.

And you get nothing.

Let's move on past this.

We're not going to resolve this.

Nobody gives a fuck about a two.

Nobody gives a fuck about a two.

I get it.

If you get two ones,

they'd be just as happy.

You said, what if they don't take it?

What if they don't care?

I'm like, then they still work as two, which they did.

But you could have gave a one.

What if, what if you could have done a one.

You could have done a one.

No, because I gave two and you topped it off with a a one.

So you want to give three.

You're a fucking.

Some of these are three.

You know what you are?

You're a two.

One of my favorite lines I ever said was, my Adam Egot was fucking had a threesome.

I love Adam Egot.

So he rules.

But this was Fat Egot.

Yeah.

Fatim.

He's called Fatim.

Daddy loved donuts.

It was a donut place there in Hollywood.

Every time we leave the store, he goes, donuts?

We're like, oh, bro, we're all going to go do blow.

I'm fucking have a good time.

But we just have for donuts first.

These big donuts with a cookie up there.

I'm going to say, I'm on Adam's side.

So, it's okay.

He's talking to himself.

And he goes, Where are you from?

He's practicing.

Where you're from?

Where are you from?

And

he was like, I was like, dude, those girls are hot.

He goes, yeah, but two fives make a 10.

And I go, yeah, but two threes make a six.

Yeah, dude, we went in there.

Here's how great this place is.

Went in, coffee, water.

We smoked a cigar.

Your cigar wasn't good.

It wasn't roll good.

You got another one.

It's still the box was bad, which happens.

I got a, what did I get?

A Trinidad?

You got a HP Upman.

I got an H.

Upman from H.

Ummm.

H.

Upman.

H H.

Upman.

Yep.

They're too much.

They're too expensive here.

But you got one, didn't work.

They gave you another one.

Didn't work?

He's like, he's not pulling.

And they go, show me, like, switch it.

I'm like, oh, really?

I've never had.

They're like, it's okay.

Switch.

And you switched, it didn't work.

And then you were a little nervous.

He just came over with a brand new cigar, another cigar similar to that, and gave it to you, and it smoked great.

We smoked there.

I had some rum.

Yeah.

I was like, I'll get a rum.

It felt right.

And it was good.

I started with the seven-year.

I was like, let me build up to the 15.

It was great.

Yeah.

A little dippy dip.

Dippy dip?

I like the dippy dip.

Yeah.

Made me want a dippy dip.

Flavors it a little bit.

Try it with Coke one day or something.

No, I'm good.

Yeah.

Thanks.

The coolest thing happened, though, when we left.

I was Like all right, let's settle up.

She went, mm.

What do you mean?

No, it's okay.

We were smoking there, all these tourists came in.

They saw us smoking and drinking and they started drinking and smoking.

I think it maybe was that?

I think it was your cigar was bad.

You had two bad cigars.

You had a bad experience.

To them.

We talked a little too.

We talked a little bit to the guy.

I mean, I'm going to say this.

Where you guys are from?

She wasn't trying to sell us or anything because we're already buying.

Yeah, she was nice.

She's like, oh, cool.

The women here, friendly.

The guys,

a little

machismo.

Tiana mucho machismo.

Yeah, a little.

Tienin.

Tianan?

Little old.

Tianani, Tienin.

Tienin.

Yeah, they're not big on small talk with Americans.

I think it's because of the, they don't understand.

And

we're not speaking.

You were a little bit.

Also,

suffering.

Consistent suffering makes your smile go away.

Remember what?

Yeah, that was crazy.

And you were like, no, no.

And I was like, okay, well, no, Baba, we'll be back.

We'll be back.

Did we pay for the coffee?

We did pay for the coffee

and the rums.

I paid for the stuff, yeah.

I paid for the stuff.

I was like, how much for the cigar?

Because we had to pay him.

We had to pay the bartender for the drink.

What you had, the Hoyer number one.

We had to pay the bartender for the drinks.

And he's like, you pay over there for the cigars.

And she said, cigars are on the house.

Tits him a two.

Yeah.

Nothing.

Zero reaction.

He's got nothing.

I mean, garbage.

Garbage.

Like, I offended them.

It was nothing.

I mean, some of them I was like hoping.

I was like, I don't think they looked at it.

They're like, oh, thanks.

Because I told you in Ecuador, they would like, they would like take the check.

You don't always look at every bill.

They would take the check and then walk, and then I'd see them go like, oh.

But he looked, didn't.

No, nothing.

God damn, it sucked.

Nobody.

I was so hoping.

Nothing.

I was so hoping.

Anyway, they let us go.

We walked back far, 40 minutes back.

We walked a lot.

We walked in the middle of.

And that walk back, we walked down like a main drag and then off into the side.

Because you are very,

you're

gonna go down alleys.

You go, let's go down here.

And I made a promise to myself, I'm gonna do as much as I can.

With me.

With you.

On my terms.

On your terms.

Interesting.

That's a good promise.

I said, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, when he wants to go simmer, I'm gonna go, okay, whatever you wanna do.

That's my motto.

Whatever you want to do.

If you wanna do it, I'll fucking do it.

Let's do it.

That's great.

and I was terrified

terrified

that's great I mean it's fucking terrifying but here's the problem you did it every guy you walk by every male you walk by looks like he is going to murder you yeah there's no hellos there's no smiles they all look like if they smile they're about to try to scam you it and and you you're walking by like a bunch of young guys tattoos and flip-flops and they're like this

I'd think they'd be happier, being that it's a festival today.

But it's not the best fault.

I don't know if you did that.

So the next day, as we were getting robbed on that, as I was getting robbed on that, you were outside

the sun.

I haven't been robbed yet.

You gave that girl gum.

She's like, oh, it's so good.

Do you have any money for me?

I'm like, oh.

It's like, you're getting the kickback.

I know.

But she's like, you don't know that yet.

There was no point in that, by the way, that I thought I was getting like real underground cigars.

I was just being bullied.

They didn't scam me, they just bullied me.

They bullied you, and all you had to do is this.

No.

And he was like, Well, I don't have that money right now.

And he goes, No, it's cool.

Tell me your casa, and I'll go and pick up the money later.

The one thing that these vloggers do, the travel vloggers, they do, they are very

no.

And they walk the fuck out and they don't care.

They walk out.

By yesterday, I was like fully ignoring.

Yeah.

Be like, hey, how you doing?

How was it?

And I was just talking to you.

They're like, hey, excuse me.

excuse me.

Just wouldn't even look at them.

I was just German today.

But the first day, god damn it, did you really want a people, please?

I did get into a few cool conversations.

The morning, so

we got to get back to, we got to, fuck it.

It's hard because we've done so, we've done, every single day, we've done something.

Like a lot of shit.

We'll get a backup to the music.

Back up.

Dave.

Was that the first night?

That was the first night.

The music was the first night.

Holy shit.

All right, let's do the music.

So we went from the Obama restaurant

straight to this place.

And our driver was out front waiting for us.

We said, yeah,

he was out front waiting for us.

He goes, yeah, I'll drive you there.

It is the best place.

It's almost like the perfect Uber.

Where it's like, if you could say to your Uber guy, dude, can you come back in an hour?

Yeah.

This guy came back out front, got us in the car, nobody bothered us, and we were off to the next place.

And it was also like, well, I don't know how long we're gonna be eating for.

It was like, well, I'll tell you what, let's do an hour 15.

They might not sit us right away.

And if, and if, and if it is over in an hour, let's walk around the block a few times,

work it off while we wait for him.

Which would have been terrifying.

Which would have been terrifying.

If we had to walk around the block a few times, I would have.

And we asked the cost of guy, I'm like, hey, we can walk from the Obama restaurant down to the what's-agall, right?

And he was like,

No, I wouldn't

do that.

I'm like, oh, okay.

He goes, yeah, see this like yellow zone on the map?

It's kind of like a green zone for like nature.

Like, see this yellow zone?

You kind of want to stay in there after dark.

And it was way out of there.

Yeah.

And then, and then, but the but the music place was like just outside of me.

We've walked from here back there.

And he goes,

should be okay,

but I don't know if I'd risk it.

And we're like, yeah, we should be okay.

He goes, eh,

I mean, I just got robbed there.

We're like, what?

He goes, no, I was stupid.

I was drunk.

And we're like, oh.

We're like, oh, all right, fair.

I was so happy that he was here to kind of guide us on where not to.

There's a lighter over there.

Ah, shit.

Sorry, I didn't see it.

I'll put this one back.

Oh, it's out of fuel.

Oh, no, it works.

It works.

He was there ready to take us.

Yeah,

he picked us up, took us to the

Buena Vista.

That's where Buena Vista Social Club, their remnants is play.

What I understand about them, I don't know.

Do you remember when they hit big in America?

There was a music.

I don't think that was on there.

Wait, what is that song, though, that they sing?

Because now they sing it everywhere.

Oh, hey, oh, no.

It wasn't Jay Macarena.

We heard that last night.

It was a

Balamo.

No.

Damn, what is that song?

It's gonna come to us.

I got it.

I got it.

Joke coming.

I got it.

Nope.

Okay, do it.

Fucking with a young man because I'm brown.

No, no.

Nope.

Joke was coming.

I love when you can see a comic's face when they're like pretending to say something serious, like for like not real answer.

And then it's like, fuck.

I had it.

Tony does that sometimes.

I had it, but I lost it because I went, oh, well, I didn't.

Tony does that sometimes.

He goes, hey, you know what?

I'm like, what, joke, answer?

What?

He's like, fuck.

There's a song that is the Buena Vista.

They opened with.

They closed with a well-known one but bro so they hit big

first of all you were disappointed we get there we go up we look in a room it's like oh chill holy shit this is fucking tits we pay they take us 35 35 bucks 35 bucks for drinks including three drinks three drinks yeah because we're not there for dinner and then they take us to this room and you're bummed out immediately because

there's three there's four old middle-aged women playing like do do do do do do do like it's like amateur night no you're here for the jazz you're you're standing up and you're walking or you're trying to

and you go back out you come back in the other room and I was like there's nothing in here yeah I'm like we have like this and there right and she's like yeah yeah yeah

a bed all of a sudden

cute little girls with little smooshed up cowboy hats I don't know what that is

and they're like now it's nine ten they're still fucking there

well most of the performers are 92

Dude, those guys in that little waiting room with these old beautiful hats, suits that don't fit them because they've lost so much weight because of poverty.

But they're instruments and these old, cool, black hats.

Yeah, they have a green room.

They had a green room with a glass.

You could see inside of it where they're all hanging out.

It was so funny.

When they started that show, though, let me tell you something.

One of the best nights I've had in a long time.

And it's all due to you and your...

You have no inhibitions.

I don't know if it's alcohol, you're drunk.

I don't know if that's who you are.

I know you do crazy shit, but they started playing and it was fucking

F-U-N.

Upscale, fucking bapa-ba.

It's like salsa or samba.

I don't know what it is even.

I don't even know the genre.

It's Cuban music.

I remember in college, Buenavista Social Club had an album out that charted.

Yeah.

And it was like, what is this?

And I think they were all the ones who went to Miami and it was just the sound of Cuba.

Yeah.

Salsa, which I heard salsa music.

Do you know where that comes from?

No.

It's a salsa, like a spread, which is onions, tomatoes, whatever.

No, it's not.

It's a mixture of all these musics into one, and they call that salsa music.

Okay.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

That's a fun fact.

Fun fact.

Oh, we got to start some fun facts on this podcast.

Yeah, Larson, fucking Kathy.

We got to start some fucking fun facts.

Chad, right?

We have all the tips.

We got to do fun facts.

Okay.

And then, dude, they come out into the crowd and they came over.

They were dancing with people.

They came over to dance.

It's like an eight nine piece band it's but it's they they exchange singers every song and then they show video behind them of of the person of them in their youth yeah singing on this massive they got this old cuban woman comes out fucking killed it some guy comes out two guys come out so they have the stars they have the band and then they have the stars coming in almost like a comedy set where just comics are coming out doing sets these guys are doing sets and then the they have a host who comes out it was almost like comedy where they they set it up.

And then they came down, dude, when you, I have a lot of people.

When he was asking people,

where are they from?

Somebody said, Czechoslovakia, which I was like, that hasn't existed since I was in high school.

You didn't have to yell it out.

I was like, that's not a country.

I was a little tuned up.

Dude, that first drink was so strong.

That drink was so fucking strong.

You were buzzing.

This theater...

has been guarded day and night.

And I've never seen anyone go in there.

Give a little context before you do that.

You're just going off on tangents.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, you're really a fucking person.

You can't fucking tangent.

I'm staying in the social club.

You're now tangenting.

You can go this theater that they can't see.

I'm back in the titanium.

But they can't see the theater.

But they can't see the theater.

That tree over there is

green.

People, yeah, exactly.

Context.

They need to know what that theater is.

Bro, I'm in the music club.

You're now tangenting.

On what?

Can you not tangent?

Nothing.

Anyways.

Yeah.

So exactly where they're from.

Can I just back up, just give a little context on the what?

I have a game I play for 20 years.

I play it with Max all the time.

Yeah.

Where you have to get somebody to say the word, timeout,

what?

Mm-hmm.

Time in.

And if you get them to say the word, timeout, what, time in,

you go, but that's the last timeout.

No more timeouts are allowed.

Go.

Oh, man, you really are a dictator.

You should have that hat all the time.

So if you get them to say that word, you say, one, nothing.

And it's not like you add the points up.

It's always one nothing.

It's just one nothing.

One nothing, one nothing.

I got you into it.

I didn't know if you were going to be into it.

I was hoping you would be.

Day one.

Day one, I got you into it.

Yeah.

And we've been playing this game all day long, all night long.

Try to get somebody.

Where you try to do somebody as a mummel and try to let go like this, try to have them.

And then you see that coming.

It's so emasculating when you're making a real attempt to get somebody to say it.

And then they catch you, like, uh-huh.

You're like, damn it.

Do you remember what you did?

Nice try.

It was a good one.

I thought it.

I was on the cusp.

If someone's on the cusp, at least, you're like, that was worth it.

It was worth the emesculation.

But

at the beginning, when he said the word four times in a row, when I went one, nothing, one, that's what this joke is.

It's going to be, it's going to drown out my single.

Well, the guys go to two shots.

That's all right.

Anyway, so he starts asking where you're from, who's, and then they play music, something to do do with that country.

They have a flag up on the screen.

Put a flag up on the screen behind them.

That country, I don't know, they get the flag, it's waving, it's great.

And for some reason, because of embargo or whatever, I assumed they would have gotten to a lot of us dados and ejoses by then, but they hadn't.

And the guy looked at me.

The chicks in front of us had something.

Yeah.

The chicks right there.

It was one of their birthdays.

Yeah.

I was like, happy birthday.

She's like, thank you.

A lot of Spaniards, a lot of fucking Mexicans, a lot of everything.

Yeah.

And they said, where are we from?

You yelled out,

Estados Anidros.

And they brought the flag up and they came over and this smoker, this beautiful in red dress out of a movie.

Fucking die.

Came up to you.

Bro, three pesos and 20.

Buddy, you started dancing like you've lived here your whole life.

She was like, I was like, I'm in.

That first drink was so fucking strong.

I had to water it down with the aversion drink.

And then still, I was like, whoa.

Before I even got my second drink, I was tuned up.

It was one of the most epic, dude.

Dude, you're a good dancer.

I was, you know, when you do an impression in the shower and you nail it and you try to do it again, it's gone.

Yeah.

That was that.

I'm not a good dancer.

In a moment,

I was crushing it.

Do me a favor, cut the video of him dancing in.

Dude, and then I cut, I literally pull back on the American flag waving.

It's one of the best moments of my life.

I was fucking twisting her.

Dude, you twirl her.

Dude, I went dipper and you went boom on the end of the song and I panned the American flag.

First night.

Dude, when I swirled her, the smile on her face, it was almost like, let's go.

Oh, all right, let's go.

It was great.

Oh, my God.

That was the first night.

Insane.

Because I even told the guy when he dropped us off, it's like, all right, the show ends at 11.

I'll be here at 11.

But we got dropped off at 9 or 8 45 and I was like hey We might only be here for an hour So don't come back because I don't know the range here is too wide the other place we're having dinner This the range is massive.

Yeah, so I don't I don't know and and he goes he goes It's all right.

I'll come back at 11 kind of bullied us We didn't

we wouldn't have even thought to leave before the end.

It was so fun 1115 We left as soon as it ended.

We came out with everybody like a movie.

And the place poured out like in fucking godfather when they left the Cuban Hotel Nacional.

And then we come out, he's waiting for us, we get in the car, he drops us back off where he picked us up at the San Francisco dock.

Uh-huh.

And

you,

you were like, let's not go back.

Yeah.

We wound up walking around.

So yeah, he dropped us off right there.

Yeah.

Which was another moment where I was like,

but we're back in the yellow zone.

We're in the yellow zone, but we're on the edge of the yellow zone.

Also like, let's just do circles so we're close.

We did a bunch of circles, but at night, the yellow zone becomes the dark zone.

In your brain.

It registers as dark.

It registers.

It registers.

It registers as well.

But it's not.

Yeah.

It's not, but it does.

God, that was so fucking fun.

So that's day one.

Day two.

I don't remember day two.

I do.

Because I'm like, let's go to Vanales.

Possibly Vinyales.

It's where all the nature is.

We can go to a cigar plantation, get the non-banded, these that we end up getting, but we could the non-banded cigars that you really want, which are just...

cheaper, same cigar.

Tell me if I'm wrong.

It's the guy who works, the roller that works at the cigar real place, like Monte Cristo or Hoyo or wherever,

taking

tobacco from the place.

So it's the actual roller, it's the actual tobacco, and he's just doing it at home instead of there.

So really, no difference in the thing and selling it to you for a quarter of the price.

I'm pretty sure that's bullshit.

I mean, I've heard it every blah, blah, blah.

The guy will take you to a room.

So what are these then?

I think these are just unbanded cigars.

They're not in the factory.

There's no markup yet.

You ever go to Tampa and they're rolling cigars, Cuban cigars?

It's that.

These are delicious.

They're fantastic.

Tobacco from here.

Yeah.

It's tobacco.

Well-rolled.

Well-rolled by a professional guy who knows how to blend,

but it's not aged.

It's rolled and sold.

Like when you get a box of cigars, that was aged for a certain time.

The boxes were put away for a little while.

That thing was made months ago,

maybe years ago.

You know what I mean?

So it's a different smoke.

Cigars, like wine, you have to age them for them to be.

You know what I'm saying?

So these are rolled.

See how mushy it is?

Yeah.

Rolled.

Tight.

Rolled and sold.

A good cigar, you got me into it.

You're the cigar guy.

Should say this too.

A good cigar is tight, and as it gets in, it gets mushy.

It starts to get soft because you're so good.

The moisture, the heat.

But the cigars you bought oh were

yeah we smoked them well you did you yeah you smoked everything well we it became a necessity because of day two day two so we wake up day two we're like hey we want to go to vignales we don't want to just go for the day they have these day trips wake up at seven go there come back by six and i was like hey we want to go hiking we want to do some nature we want to stay in havana for six days yeah it's too long It's not nothing to do, nothing exciting.

So like, let's leave for a night.

So like, hey, why don't we go there, get a hotel there for the night, come back, do more hiking, come back the next day.

I don't want to do the zip line.

I will do the

tour of the cigar plantation, show me how they roll, take lessons in rolling, some nature walks,

all that cool.

Yeah.

The jungle a little bit.

Yeah.

And then,

oh,

just so you guys know,

there's a hurricane coming.

No.

Just so you know, there's a tropical storm coming.

You might not want to do it.

It's going to hit Vanales.

It's going to go right over Vinales.

What is it?

Vinales.

Vinales.

It's going over there.

So you might want to go.

Ah, fuck.

But we're like, eh.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, maybe we'll still go.

And then it goes, hey,

it's been upgraded.

To a hurricane.

To a Force 1 hurricane.

And we're like, oh.

And then...

And right here,

we're going to pause.

We're going to go upstairs.

Let's go upstairs.

It's too loud out here.

Okay.

And it's blown out.

Okay.

So

Okay.

So you know what we're doing now

Hurricane

No the other one.

I Gotta get that up there

Two tries two fails

Okay, he goes I'm like, oh, well, why don't we just go?

The hurricane's hitting tonight.

Yeah.

Why don't we go to Vanales?

Yeah.

It's coming overnight.

Yeah.

So we'll just sleep out the hurricane.

He goes, Type 1 hurricane is nothing.

I was like, first of all, we come from a place where there's no hurricane.

So Type 1 hurricane is something.

Yeah.

But he said it would be, it's going to be muddy.

No,

no, no, no, that's when we wanted to go afterwards.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he goes,

and I was like, okay, well, why don't we go there all day?

And,

yeah, Skank Fest.

And

just sleep it out.

And in the morning, great.

He goes, oh, those are wooden houses.

He goes, we got a sturdy, it's like stone home here.

Yeah.

You don't want to be there.

And I'm like, ah, fuck.

Okay.

All right.

So tell you what.

And then we still had hope.

Or it was like, Wednesday morning, the hurricane's going to hit Tuesday night.

Wednesday morning, if it's done early enough, let's get up and go.

We got the whole afternoon of vignalis, come back Thursday afternoon.

It'll be fine.

Well, don't forget Tuesday, we had to run around and get supplies.

Right, because he goes, hey, we're going to lose power.

There's no chance we don't.

Yeah.

It's moved up to Force Three, which actually is worrisome.

I don't know if it's Force 3, because that sounds like an Avengers team.

It does.

Like Force 3.

It's

category 3.

Not Force 3.

Not to correct you on your own podcast, it's category 3.

Category 1, Category 2,

and then Category 3.

And then when it goes to a five, it's force five.

It is a force five.

I want to force field around our friendship.

I want to force feed you, my cock.

Damn, that was quick.

That's quick.

Damn.

I hated that.

Dude, but here's the thing.

We were getting supplies.

We had to go.

But like, let's get some bread.

There's no store.

There's no like...

There's no grocery store that I know of.

Turns out, when you want bread before a hurricane, you're not the only one with that idea.

Dude.

We got these little loafs of little tiny mini buttons.

Dude, let's get bigger pieces.

I'm like, okay, I don't want to fight you.

Let's just go.

We go, one, there's no bread.

Like, let's go.

Well, he's like, let's look for cookies and stuff.

Like, Bob, later.

It's running out.

Yeah, we didn't get, we got, you came back with literally half a block of cheese.

Right?

You had a half a block of cheese.

Yeah.

And then

you had,

i was getting queso and you're like i got it you you come in cheers you come in

yeah i was like queso oh buen you come in

yeah you come in oh one more one more oh no squared yeah you come in yeah and get

you you're like we don't need it i got but i did get ham screw that's it my my my

dude that was a great great purchase buddy i got ham steaks we're in this little tiny store i had a steaks I was like, where did you get upscale stuff?

Dude,

I had to wait in line.

So I'm waiting in line outside the store.

Everybody's waiting in line.

I go in, it's my shot.

You're nowhere to be found.

No.

I know queso.

I don't even know ham.

So I'm pointing at shit.

I said, I'll look in here.

You go to the corner, because the second set is corner.

But I'm like, there might be some in here.

I was like, nah.

I was like, and he's like, what?

What are you?

I'm like, Tennessee queso?

And he goes, yeah.

I'm like, yes, fucking sweet.

And I'm like, cut me off.

And he goes it's this much per whatever I was like all right half this block yeah and he cut it and then it was like

he gave me the price and it was like 3400 I'm like oh no no no no I didn't want that much and then I'm like all right

$11 yes

yeah I actually yeah

that's right buddy we we went around I went down the street looking for you I was like you're not on the corner I was like where the fuck is Bobby I went in the corner so I could look that way that way, that way, and back that way.

I'm like, I can't find Bob.

And I'm like, I can't contact him.

I have no cell reception.

Nothing.

So I don't even know how to say.

And we're in the midst of needing groceries badly.

And I'm like, fuck, fuck.

I walk back to you.

I see you in a store buying a block of cheese that I just found.

I was like, no, no.

The guys are like, hey, one at a time, because they don't want to run.

No.

And I knock and I was like, it's my friend.

It's my friend.

And I was like, no, no, we got cheese.

And you go, no, I'll get more.

I'm like, bro, you have no idea how much I got.

Black it off.

I did buy a little little piece of cheese I bought ham cheese what else I get I got something else you got something else in there I forget what else was bread that wasn't bread we just bought

cookies

you got peppers

and I got we got cookies 30 cents 150 250 it was something else I should have bought the sausage That looked good too.

But anyways, we were going around all day for supplies.

Getting supplies for this Force Field 3 that was coming.

It's a good way for psychogeography is needing supplies for a disaster.

Yeah.

For an impending disaster.

It is a good way to force you to look around the city.

Force you to actually figure shit out.

Because there was nothing.

Because we went to one bakery and we're like, they don't have it.

And we're like, where's the nearest bakery?

Well, it's 15-minute walk.

Like, well, let's walk it because we got to go.

There's no like do it later.

Yeah.

And it forced us to, all of a sudden we were looking around and found a bunch of other shit around.

Hey, guys, do me a favor, cut out him in the background and anything, not because of

just the people getting in trouble.

Right.

But anyways, we

found it, got back here.

Found it.

We found a bunch of shit.

We had to get candles, couldn't find candles.

Velas.

Learned the work for that.

Vetis.

Now in there.

Vetis.

We found it.

Found the candles.

We found...

We had to find all this shit.

And we got all our supplies and we came back.

And you know what's cool too?

Because when we were leaving, the guy who owns

the CASA,

he was like, listen, if you

the guy who owns the CASA.

I got it.

I believe it.

Was like, hey, can you please, if you see this or that, please get me candles?

We need candles.

Yeah, I was like, what can we get you?

But also, Bobby, you're like, hey, can you,

I mean, he's bastioning up the farm force.

He's bringing, all this stuff had to be brought in.

It's like, there's a hurricane.

And this whole thing was gone.

He built up this beautiful thing two weeks ago.

Yeah.

He goes, we got to get it.

He's like, okay, we got to bash it.

We got to get blocks for the door.

We got to, like,

everything.

And you're like, hey, can you

see if we can,

like, what's the, I need, you're just asking for shit, asking for hotel shit.

Yeah.

And I'm like, bro, bro, bro.

He's trying to save his family.

Yeah.

Now, first of all, they go through this all the time.

Second of all,

he's like, yeah, this is what we do.

This is what we do.

That's your panicky mode.

And second of all, no, no, no, we're not.

You're asking for fucking, where do we get bread?

You're going, hey, lady, do you think you can arrange a tour for us?

I need a massage.

Can we get a massage later?

And I'm like, bro, bro, leave him alone.

So I was like, hey, we're going out.

Where can we get?

Can we do that?

You didn't say that.

I said that.

You didn't say that.

No, I said what you need.

Don't make yourself to fight.

No, I said what you need.

I said, what do you need?

You did not.

I said what you need.

He told me candles.

I'm the one who said we got to give him candles.

You didn't agree.

You didn't think I could.

Show the tape.

And now do another Glassman thing where you just show Bobby, I don't know, doing something stupid.

Find something him doing something stupid.

Oh, fuck, I just got caught in the chip.

See, you didn't do it at all.

No, we're just like glassmen.

I'm gonna have glassmen all do this more.

Don't do any of that.

Yeah, but look at this.

Anyway, so we got candles.

You're combining two situations, by the way.

One hurricane, two situations.

You're combining two situations.

We needed like toilet paper or water.

And you know what we got?

Damn it.

You're combining toilet paper.

We needed something for the house.

It wasn't the massage.

And I was like, we should get it.

And you're like, he's busy.

I'm like, dude,

we need it.

And you're like,

here's your problem.

We didn't need it.

You're aggressive.

You're like

aggressive with going into places you shouldn't go.

But when you need, but when you're in your thing, it's like go ask for this thing.

When you need like toothpaste or something, or you need like a toilet paper, he's with his kids.

It's like, dude, just knock on the door and get what you need.

Bathing is an infant.

I'm not gonna bug him.

And you're like, trust me, as a father, he hates his kid the way I hate my kid.

This guy would bug us.

Bug him.

He would not bug him.

He would just take care of it.

Man law.

Anyway, and he's like four students.

I think I didn't go to Vignalis.

Well, no,

you're going past everything.

Because it was going right over Vinales.

And here's the thing.

Yeah.

Nice.

Here's the thing.

Yeah.

Fucking.

It's like everything's held together by 10 days.

What happened the next day, we woke up the next day

and we were walking around.

Nothing.

No rain.

Cloudy.

Spurts of rain.

We were sitting in the room.

Wait, I thought it'd be past by now.

We didn't understand what was happening.

I didn't understand the.

We had no radio.

Which day did it hit?

We had no communication.

Internet's gone.

Because you spent one whole night when we were about to come.

It came Wednesday night.

It came Wednesday.

It came Wednesday night.

Day, though.

When it came, it was daytime.

Because we could see it.

We could see that roof almost blow off.

I have a video of the thing pulling.

It came in the morning.

That roof will be gone.

That 50-50.

That probably will stay.

That roof is fucking smell like it.

Corners ripped off, but that's it.

That stayed.

That stayed.

Just this corner's ripped off.

Pull that video up.

Wednesday morning.

Wednesday morning.

Tuesday night, we thought it was hitting.

That's why we were like, if it's...

Tuesday, Tuesday, yeah, Tuesday day, we were walking around getting supplies.

We were in the courtyard going, going,

shit.

Tell you what, let's...

No, no, no, but before it's like, it's going to start any minute.

And like, let's get the umbrella out and it starts pouring

before that full hurricane comes.

And then we just sat there outside smoking cigars and having a good time talking to the Romanian lady who's also staying here.

We were walking around.

I'm like, it's not, this is nothing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it was that night.

It was that night that we found.

She came out.

The lady, the other lady standing in the cup, she came out.

We had cheese.

She brought salami.

Oh, we had a whole

charcuterie.

We had a whole party out on the

charcuterie in Spanish?

Charcuterie.

Yep.

He's a big party.

American salami is among the best in the world.

I get, I get American general.

No,

I understand Genoa.

I'm not talking about Genoa.

I'm saying Romania, so I'm got a great taste.

Yes,

because you eat all the over-processed cheeky food in America.

Yes, that's true.

Thank you.

So,

we had a party Tuesday night out here downstairs on the you love that?

Yes.

You love that night.

Buddy, here's why I love that night.

Because

everybody was forced to be friends.

That's that's what, that, that's the part I love.

That you, things that bad things are coming.

It's like when you're, I remember being when the iPhone

first came out, and you had to wait in line for the iPhone.

I always loved it.

I woke up at five in the morning in San Francisco to get an iPhone three

because you're waiting in line with everybody else.

It's dark out and you become friends

because you're just there.

And as soon as you get your iPhone, you're like, fucking see, I'll never talk to you again.

But that night, that's what happened.

We all came out.

She came out.

Everybody brought a little sound.

Those are all the restaurants were closed.

We're like, let's go to that one restaurant.

Let's stay around here.

Let's go to the other place one night because the next night we're not going to be able to get back in time.

But let's stay around here in case it starts pouring immediately.

We're going to need to run home.

So the place we were suggesting.

Everything closed.

They shut the door in our face.

You're forgetting this.

What?

Did we say?

One, nothing.

Nope.

Oh, shit.

You're forgetting this.

Is that we were like, it's not even really that bad.

Let's go walk to the water Let's walk to the water.

So we walked all down to the Amara Con

Which morning of this is Wednesday morning

the morning of Tuesday night we hung out here.

We went out walked around went to a hotel for breakfast because it was the only place open it all shut down the night before I was like nothing will be open the day of one hot the hotels had breakfast.

You're like you can't go in there.

I go yeah you can't you need a hotel walked in you stay in here nope want breakfast got a conversation with a guy on the way there who's trying to hustle me you walked off.

He goes,

I walk off.

This is the thing with him.

Man, your friend's angry, huh?

Yep.

That's what he said.

Yeah, I'm not angry.

I just don't want to fucking.

And I can't communicate.

I know.

I'm like, we're just trying to walk around.

You're right.

I can't communicate.

So it's going to be, it's going to be, if I could speak Spanish, I would talk to him.

I'm like, uh, no, no, no, no, no.

And then I start turning Mexican.

No, no, no, no.

See, no.

But that's his sun frightening.

Poor voice, no.

So I just walk away.

I got into a great discussion with him.

I was like, hey, we're just trying to walk today.

He told me about a place, a forest place that we could go.

And he goes, they have bars.

I was like, no, we're just really just trying to walk.

We're not trying to go anywhere.

He goes, all right.

I was in the hotel restaurant getting coffee.

It was before that, even.

You were stored in the house.

It was before that, yeah.

Because we saw the archaeological site where the old seawall was, all coral.

Yeah.

We got into a great discussion about Yankees.

I was where you're from.

He's like, Yankees?

I'm like, yeah, he's like, I like the Yankees too.

Remember El Duque?

I'm like, yeah, dude, El Duque was great.

He goes, he's from here.

In English or Spanish?

I don't know.

I don't remember.

I think it was Spanish.

it might have been probably it was just having I'm just saying I'm not trying to say you were fucked up yeah I'm just trying to say I got into a nice discussion with him you did we're talking about Levon Hernandez El Duque they were like brothers and then he told me he goes the sucky thing is I just when you do that and you're talking I feel like the fat chick yeah I'm just like this

see I don't know you know what that's a good one nothing

no it was late no it had that's a good before you said one nothing okay all right I'll give it to you don't give it to me I got it all right whatever no it's not whatever you cheated.

Okay, that hat.

It should be on you, the way you act.

He said, everybody who's successful here leaves.

And I was like, well, they're baseball players.

They can't go, no, no, no.

Because I was like, you have baseball.

He's like, so much.

He goes, no.

Doctors leave.

Academics leave.

Cuba's leave.

And he goes, that's why we're fucked.

Because the best of us who would help us whole country, they take off.

Yeah, it's like Buffalo.

We don't lose any of the poor ones.

Nothing on that?

I mean, you're not even listening.

That was a good one.

How's it like Buffalo?

Everybody who's good leaves.

although that was pretty good it was pretty good

so anyways after that you're like let's go walk up the seawall the boardwalk they call it

back it up we tipped the fucking guy at the buffet and he's the one who told us yeah I mean I

yeah it's like it's yeah it's luck I guess yeah then we got a full discussion fight because you coerced him I don't think coercion

I gave him I gave him the two and he took it and you were like what about that one what about that and he's like oh yeah

no he didn't say good luck he went yeah and then you're like no these are

two dollar bills he said luck he said it's right there not after that and he's like you were like these are these are two dollar bills right and he went

it's it's good luck it wasn't a coerce it was a coercion made him notice 100 coercion it wasn't a coerce making somebody do something i said look at that as coercion but but if you had tucked in a hundred in there and he just took it like like he would have lost his mind I'm just saying this if there was a one a hundred and a one and he couldn't see the hundred to point out the hundred is that coercion yep you're coercive then we have a different version of coercion well you're coercive my version is actually English major coercion and your version is just some made-up thing that come from a Boston

mine's street coercion street coercion

So we're walking along the seawall.

It's pretty, it's pretty,

it's pretty.

No one's out there.

The Malikon.

It's cloudy, a little windy, not bad.

You see some of the waves hitting the fucking thing.

Not even bad.

There's a sea wall along the Malikon.

We were walking to the hotel that the Godfather was filmed in, which is a far walk.

Hotel Nacional.

Hotel Nacional.

That one I don't mind fucking playing because everyone's going to go there if you come here.

We were walking there.

That was our goal.

Let's walk down to that, check it out.

Along the sea wall.

35, 44.

It's on its way.

It's not here yet.

And that's when we saw what I could only say is a general in the army with a bunch of guys

a bunch of army guys and then a regular guy

he literally looked at us

whispered something angry to a guy in plain clothes and then that guy comes over and said what I forget what what

can't get me

that guy said

he said in Spanish Something about the notice for the cyclone.

They don't call it a hurt.

It's a cyclona.

And I thought he meant, you didn't get the notice?

There's a cyclone coming.

Yeah.

And I was like, okay,

we'll go to the house.

He goes, yeah, go to the house.

And then we walked inland.

It was illegal.

I thought we were going to get arrested.

It was illegal to be on the beach.

Like, oh, that's why no one's here.

Nobody's there.

It is illegal to be by the beach at that point.

You saw that Medusa statue?

Yep.

That was cool.

Yeah, but that was a general.

Yeah.

We just got told by a fucking

guy with literally fruit salad on his chest.

He goes, you didn't get the notice?

By the way, broken Spanish on my barber.

Ah, me.

So you didn't get the notice.

I'm like, what?

I thought he was trying to shake me down for money.

Oh, I did.

He goes, are you crazy?

Get off the boardwalk.

There's a cyclone.

Yeah.

And then.

And then.

There weren't even cars coming.

We had to take a left, so we took a left back into the hood.

Into the hood.

We had to go to the hood.

And then we were walking through the hood.

We're going home, and Ari wants to walk through the ghetto.

Right?

Yes.

I mean, the depths of it.

Yeah.

It's crazy here.

The way there's Mercedes-Benz's around

and no crime.

How could you do this?

What did we see on the ground?

Oh, God.

I mean, we saw a lot of things on the ground here.

A lot of trash, a lot of shit.

And then we saw,

I believe, a devil head.

It wasn't quite a goat, but it also wasn't quite not a goat.

It was a goat head with horns.

The horns is what fucked you up.

It looked like a little devil.

Just the head.

Just the head.

On the street.

The gutter.

Well, thank you.

That's the last people that walked through this fucking neighborhood, Ari.

We're done.

Unsettling, I would say, seeing that.

Huh?

Unsettling.

Dogs weren't even eating it.

Dogs are everywhere, by the way, in Cuba.

Little ones.

Little ones.

And then we found this bar.

So you said, you're like, cigar bar.

And we went in, we sat down, we got a couple little mini ones, got a box of minis.

Kinsey only for kinse.

Kinsey I thought it was gonna be 15 each, and I was like, these are

like 15 for the box, little tiny cigarette box, little minis.

This is Monte Cristo's, no, Cohiba, Cohiba's, Cohibas, little minis, little minis.

Those are great.

And then we lit up right there in the restaurant.

He goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're like, oh, sweet.

He was cleaning ashtrays right there.

I pulled one over.

He goes, whoa, what are you doing?

I was like, a cigar bar.

Yeah.

He goes, no, no, no.

We're like, can we smoke?

And he's like,

they took a minute, like, all right, and they go, bring him upstairs.

There's a cigar lounge upstairs, like a private, insane cigar lounge.

And he told us,

we can smoke up there.

We fumada upstairs.

Yeah.

And we go up there.

First of all, we had to walk through a sauna.

Out of that hallway was 170.

It was like, you start pouring.

Like, we're in it for a minute to get up.

Not a minute, 15 seconds.

Yeah.

I was soaked.

And then we get up there, it's just me and you in the cigar lounge that, like,

rich dudes are at or some shit.

It was a weird little cool spot.

Pictures of Fidel everywhere.

And Fidel, Che,

everybody.

So we sat down, we smoked.

They brought us coffee.

They brought us Agua.

I mean, he was waiting on us.

It was fucking awesome.

It was awesome.

Just me and you in this little inside of a thing in the hood.

That's why, like, it was so cool.

That was the day where I was like, you know what?

No tourists were in there.

There was a family downstairs, somebody

who lives in the sauna.

There was a bar, restaurant, and then upstairs in the back, way in the back, was this cigar lounge that you would even never know it was in there?

I wouldn't be able to find it.

You could tell me where it is, and I wouldn't have been able to find it.

In fact, when I went to the bathroom, I got lost all the way back.

I was like, gave him a two.

Give him a two.

No, nothing.

Zip.

Logats.

Nothing.

And then

we walk back.

Through the houses.

I want to stay in Vedondo, and you were like, it's not a good idea.

And then when we got here, it goes, no, that's too authentic.

It wouldn't be great.

Oh, yeah, that was where.

And we were halfway to Bedondo there.

It would have sucked over there.

This is where you stay.

You stay in Havana.

Stay at a Casa.

I would stay at this Casa every time.

This is the best.

This little block.

I would say if you want the feel, walk from

Old Town

on Viego, but on this side, not on the fort side, but on the other side of

it.

Stay there.

Walk to

Hotel Nacional

along the Male Cón.

Yeah.

Like we did.

Walk back through the hood.

Walk back through the hood.

Daytime.

Daytime.

Do not do nighttime.

So you're headed back towards good.

They don't really bug you until you get past theater.

To the touristy part where the hotels are, that's when they start hitting.

More annoyance, less danger.

Yeah.

See.

See.

And then

we went back to the here, and it was time to batten down the hatches because it was coming.

And when it's, I mean, when it started to come, bro,

that's when they said, you know, you can't be on the streets.

Yeah, he goes, yeah, as soon as we got back in here,

the guy was like, oh, they just gave an order.

Yeah.

Order.

You're not allowed to be on the streets.

You can't be on the streets.

So

we had a hunker down here.

Electricity was gone.

AC gone.

At some point, the electricity goes,

done.

And I was like, did they shut that off or did it go off?

It went off.

Because the wind was already kicking.

I think they shut it off.

He said, at first he goes, I think they shut it off.

And then later, radio report, because Wi-Fi went off, but he still had data for a bit, and the data went off.

Then he couldn't access his phone.

And he goes,

we just turned on the radio on batteries.

It turned into the 1950s like that.

Bro, coming up these steps and being up here, the wind up here was fucking kicking.

That was crazy.

We had to tie up that water thing.

They said that might come down.

Yeah.

That rope we put up there.

Yeah.

That roof

that was ripped.

We were seeing pictures of it going,

I was like, that ain't gonna be here.

It was pretty bad.

Oh, yeah.

That guy's gone.

Had these ones in the corner have a chance.

These up ones don't.

That one's gone.

Look at that.

Watch out.

I mean,

okay, we're in the eye of the hurricane right now.

Sorry.

Holy shit.

Nobody's out.

Nobody's out.

Nobody's out.

Because the hat can't be.

Woo!

Alright.

Whoa.

And then we didn't have electricity.

Careful because something's going to fly.

If that roof went up, it started flipping it.

Cut your head off.

Cut your head right off.

If that water tank hit you, gone.

Explosion.

This whole thing was empty.

Everything was tied down.

Downstairs in the...

You go a little up the steps.

Courtyards, everything's gone.

Everything's gone.

Yeah.

And then

we kind of spent the night in

the little alley back there.

With it raining.

There's something about this particular house that guarded it from the worst of the storms.

If you're closer to the ocean, because he was calling when he saw data, he goes, how is it there?

They go, it's real bad here.

15,

a

kilometer and a half.

Kilometers, yeah.

Closer to the thing.

They're like, it's real bad.

Here it was like not so bad.

And in the courtyard, it was guarded from the wind.

He left his door open.

I mean,

they boarded our,

in our room, they boarded my...

We had water coming in your room.

Water coming in.

Water coming in my room through the AC.

I had to put socks in the outside.

On the outside.

Yeah, I did.

It was.

It was makeshift.

And you're like, why don't you ask him for tape?

I'm like, dude, fuck shut.

You're sitting there smoking one of those Monte Cristos or those Coibas.

Go, ask him for tape.

You know, you should get tape.

And I'm like, I'm like, I was getting so annoyed because there's one thing I love is when you're doing something and someone who's not doing it is telling you how you're doing it wrong.

One thing I hate is when you watch somebody doing something wrong

and they can just do two seconds ago, you gotta tape it, yeah, see, and then tape it and then you see it's raining, pouring rain on me.

I'm trying to fucking stop it up.

Tape would have worked.

Get tape, bro.

Tape would have worked.

This worked.

He had tape.

You could have just got the tape.

This worked.

It worked okay.

It worked completely well.

Stopped the leak.

And the plastic bag.

And the plastic bag also?

Tape would have worked great.

It would have pulled off because tape doesn't cool great in water.

No, it would have stayed.

Stayed on wood and dirt?

It wasn't dirt.

Disagree.

Hard disagree.

Agree to disagree.

That's why I nailed it.

Agree to disagree.

But I nailed it.

You didn't nail it.

It stopped.

It stopped.

It stopped it.

The rain went harder, and the leak went lower.

So, did my attempts assist in the stopping of the leak?

You're a fucking leak.

You're Brett Leak,

dead comedian with

cerebral palsy.

Not cerebral palsy.

What did he have, Brett Leak?

He had a muscular dystrophy.

He had a great joke.

He goes, I have muscular dystrophy.

And somebody goes, I have a, oh, he goes, I have MS.

And like, oh, musculos.

Oh, he goes, I have a muscular dystrophy.

He was like, oh, MS?

Like, dystrophy.

He had another one, too, that had nothing to do with that.

He spoke about it for like four minutes.

And then, like, because he came out like all this, and he goes, they want, I got to say something.

It was like my first MC gig was with him.

And he goes, they got to say four minutes and then move on to your observational stuff from before you had this degenerative disease.

But he goes, the other one was, I saw a Goodwill van go by.

He looked at his Goodwill van and he goes,

I gave a pair of pants.

Who gave a van?

I did a show with a kid.

He was the middler.

It was a black room that was trying to get other comedians to come in.

I forget where the fuck it was, somewhere in the south.

I show up, there's maybe 15 people there.

all white people, all white kids, like, you know, guys coming to see me.

And then a black couple that that fucked up.

And then the middler, he had MS,

and the host was this old black guy who just,

he would, he'd be like,

getting them to, yeah, getting them to chant shit.

Uh-huh.

Oh, you, I forgot you do this in the middle of fucking conversation.

Well, no, because this is, I prefer to do that.

I know, but I forget when you do a podcast with you, you always get up and check.

Well, because it's a rocking chair and it rocked.

Yeah.

So it's not just.

It's a metal rocking chair.

To get that to rock, you'd have to sit in it.

It weighs 500 pounds.

I saw it move.

Oh, okay.

Hey, can you play back now the part where it definitely moved?

The touristy part where the hotels are

so the the host goes up saw him in the street.

He comes running.

I was like, that's the fucking dog.

Can I finish my fucking story without you fucking sidetracking?

The dog came, bro.

It's true.

He got a camera.

Yeah, right.

He's a dog.

So the black guy goes up, he's hosting whatever.

The kid goes up.

His mom is in the front row to watch him.

He's like, uh, I don't have all that shit right.

The host goes back up and he goes, my impression, say his name is Josh.

He goes, my impression to Josh.

And to his mom.

His mom is right there.

She's like,

I'm on the floor.

I'm like, I can't believe this fucking guy's doing that.

So dude, that night, the hurricane night, no, you can't, every, I know everybody's worried about me.

I'm, Dawn is fucking, I can't get in touch with her.

There's nothing.

There's nothing.

There's no way to talk to anybody.

There's no internet.

There's no internet.

You can't tell them.

There's no electricity.

And you know, the only news reports are getting is there was a Force 3 hurricane in the place where your friends are.

Right.

And it wiped out the power.

Yeah.

Which is not a good sign.

We've done power for two days, right?

Two days, yeah.

Two days, no power.

So we're in the complete darkness.

The next night, the next day.

Luckily, it was started daytime.

So we had about four hours of no power and heavy rain and full hurricane with at least some light.

We had a sunroof in our place.

So it's like, all right, we could see some stuff.

You were able to cook some things.

We cooked food.

The gas was still on.

Yep.

We cooked a little food.

We had our shit going on.

But the next day...

So the next day is when it got a little scary to me because water was running low, food was running low, we didn't.

Some point the water just goes off, the running water.

The running water is done because it's all in these tanks.

Yeah.

And

this chick next door is taking.

Relax.

Go ahead.

She's washing her dishes all day.

She's taking cold baths.

She's taking cold baths.

Kill.

Go ahead.

He said, you should be okay because you have 12,000 BTUs or whatever the fuck.

Because it's just the three of you using it.

So, you know, don't...

You should be fine for a few days.

Just don't, you know, don't take crazy showers or anything.

Just go rinse.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, she'll rinse and be done.

That day, it's just like nothing.

What?

She's having water fights.

She's still on balloons.

She's washing dishes all day.

She did her dishes.

She did her dishes like five times.

It's like, that's not clean enough.

She has her fucking.

She's got germaphobia suddenly in the middle of this.

She's taking baths.

You look in her place.

She shouldn't have a shower.

She has a bath.

I mean, put enough water to drown in if you're drunk, and that's it

We had nothing no water no nothing our food was running low We're in the I mean when dude when it gets dark here

It was it was like the forest pitch black plus cloudy because of the hurricane.

It was no moon no night complete darkness.

We couldn't go out.

We had to stay here.

It was crazy crazy Crazy.

We're getting updates from the radio here or there

Interesting how he said, how they handle it.

Because when we walked around, we're like, hey, these people aren't going to...

Like, we're in a very fort-like

place.

Oh, I thought it was pissed out.

I thought it was pissing out there.

I'm like, oh, you have.

I'm like, these guys have no chance.

And he explained how it works with the evacuations.

He was evacuated.

I'm like, to where?

The theater across.

The theater nearby.

Yeah, they come in mandatory take people.

Yeah, he goes, there's a Red Cross truck that slowly goes on the streets.

He goes,

they already know the addresses of stuff that has to be evacuated.

And they go, you come, you come, and people get in there.

And I go, what if they don't?

He goes,

that's not permitted because it's a police state.

Yeah.

You just do.

And he goes, also, you wouldn't want to stay.

Yeah.

You don't want a light drizzle fucks up your home.

Yeah.

A hurricane.

You're like, help me.

Get me to a gymnasium.

A lot of these roofs are old.

They leak.

And some of them are open air.

Yeah, there's just no window.

Yeah, there's no wall on one side.

Yeah.

So

it was interesting him going like, so how do you guys do it?

Like, if you want to stay, you can stay.

Like, why would you stay?

I'm like, redneck.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Because he didn't hit the last three times.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's like, it's American freedom.

But it goes, if you say you won't, he goes, then a cop takes you.

And I asked, do you have time to get your stuff?

They go, oh, yeah, yeah.

It's very friendly.

Yeah.

Like, grab some things, you know, and let's get in the van.

I'll take you to a nice, safe, safe place.

They stored, they actually put people in the theater next door.

So they do reports on deaths and stuff.

One pregnant woman had to be rushed to the hospital.

Yeah.

And two old people were injured.

No deaths.

No deaths.

Zero deaths.

Zero deaths.

As it hit this decrepit, fucking crumbling city.

So this is the wild part.

The next day with no power was getting, that was when it was getting a little hairy.

And then that night, it was another night, couldn't go out.

But the storm had passed.

The storm passed, but when the sun went down, and I said, I go, can we, we were going to go walk around?

He's like, I wouldn't do that.

Don't do that.

He goes, maybe the end of the block.

Because there was a building near here.

There's a church down here that had electricity, a government building down here, and a church up here.

And they always have generators.

And during storms, they will, for money, let you charge your phone.

They start selling their power.

They start selling.

It's kind of shitty, but also like, if they couldn't make money off it, why would they get the generator?

So we are playing, we're up here.

It's dark out.

Me and him are up here.

You're downstairs.

We're looking out that way.

At a

usually lights everywhere.

I mean, we're on a roof.

We're really above, we're at the kind kind of the highest level not there but like

yeah but just black.

It was black and we're sitting there all of a sudden way out in the distance it lit up orange

white blue green just shot up into the air and then you heard

you heard this

where he got so freaked out he was left He came down and he goes I saw some crazy thing goes I don't feel right like I'm that's unsettling.

Crazy.

I mean, I've never seen anything like it.

It looked like somebody was

shooting guns into the air at something.

Yeah.

Or something blew up.

And then we went on the map and we found out the electricity place or electrical is that way.

Wow.

And they were all sitting here and we're like, we had this feeling.

Lights are going to come on.

We kept saying it.

I feel like the lights are going to come on.

Lights are coming on.

And then this building, lights went on the roof.

There was one light on the roof, and then the whole top floor lit up.

And then there was guys on the roof doing shit.

And then the whole top floor went off.

And it went back on.

And then it went back on.

And then the light over here went on.

And you're like, wait, did they have power?

Like, no, it was that one, not that one.

Yeah.

And we're like, oh, well.

But then the horizon kind of lit up.

Like, like, the sun was coming up in a few hours.

It was so weird.

In an hour.

We're sitting here and we're like, I feel like it's coming back on.

I've never felt something like that in my life where

gratitude, it was like this,

all of a sudden the lights shot back on on this whole, all the lights came on.

It was like

on.

It's, you ever have a turbulent flight?

Yeah.

And you land and people do clap?

That was that sound.

The city lit up.

The city's vibe lit up.

Lit up again.

It was like, yeah, you can hear people cheering.

I was cheering.

Yeah.

Everybody was coming out on their balconies.

You got video of of that.

I got a video of that.

You saw it coming on.

You were already taping darkness.

I don't know if I got it coming on.

I got it like a sec, like literally half a second after it came on.

It was fucking wild.

We jumped up, got dressed.

Yo, let's go.

Let's go.

I wasn't even trying to do Spanish.

We would just let, we ran to the street to go hang out.

Oh.

And we went down,

down here, we took a right.

Over here, we took a right.

The thing wasn't open.

We followed these these people.

They were all heading in one direction.

We came to the big courtyard over here.

It was

Plaza.

Yep, we come in there.

It's it's lit up.

There's a restaurant on the corner playing music.

There's an Italian restaurant every day.

Let's go celebrate with the city.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Celebrate with the city.

We're all in this together now.

And you're like, I'm like, this is great.

Let's sit here.

We'll listen to the mute.

You go,

you're doing this.

This is what you do.

No, it's not the vibe.

It's not the vibe.

It's not the vibe.

They're playing like

club music.

Same vibe you had at the Buena Vista Club when we came in and they were playing that music.

You were like,

this is what I'm looking for.

This is not what I'm looking for.

And you'd be like, what are you looking for?

I can't explain it right.

This ain't it.

And then you were like, let's just go, let's go walk.

We'll see.

But we didn't realize that there was only this part of the city had lights.

They

do it by importance

of who gets back there.

And this is the historical part of the city.

And there's buildings here that are government-owned.

CNN is over there.

So this part got electricity first.

And then we're walking up the streets in complete darkness.

Trying to head to, what's the place?

The margarita place?

La Flora dita bar.

You wanted to go to La Flora dita bar.

You wanted.

I was like, if they're partying, that's where we want to be.

The vibe is that.

Cuban music.

We need Cuban music.

I don't want disco.

I want this vibe.

And I'm like, and I made that thing.

Okay, I'm going with you.

I'm not leaving you hanging.

I'm not making you do corny shit.

Let's go.

It was fucking terrifying.

You couldn't see the hand in front of your face.

You couldn't see the hand in front of your face.

You definitely couldn't see the poop on the ground.

Which generally, you have to,

you got to walk down.

There's puddles and there's poop.

And you've got to walk with your face down.

And goat heads.

And occasional goat heads.

It's shit everywhere.

I mean, you can't just walk.

You have to veer around shit.

People.

I mean, it was terrifying.

We passed an occasional group of people at tables outside listening to music or something, but in the dark or just kind of talking.

But you didn't see them till you were about as close as I am to you right now.

And then you're like, ah, shit.

Nobody fucked with us.

Well, but here's the thing.

No, one person.

Here's what

person fucked with me.

I'm in my brain, and he's like, you don't want to be out there.

It's a rare place for you to be.

You don't want to be there at night.

You don't want to be out there.

But that's when he said when there was a blackout.

We were in the fucking blackout.

Then we did walk in.

We walked into the

blackout.

Because you were like, what's over here?

At some point.

And the walk from there to La Farita.

You went the wrong way.

Is fucking not a situation.

So you know where we're going?

He's like, yeah, I'm like, all right, good, we're good then.

We didn't.

We did.

We got there.

I got us there.

Yeah, we went around.

Well, I got us there from where we were.

Yeah.

We didn't come back here at some point.

I realized, oh, actually, you're right.

We're going deeper into the darkness.

I misunderstood what you said.

And I go, all right, let's turn on.

But here's what happens with me.

When I get into dangerous situations, old Boston Bob comes out where I'm just like, fucking, I want to fight.

I'm going to kill somebody.

I'm not dying here.

You ain't taking me.

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

And you're still like,

and we're kind of like, what the fuck I'm getting annoyed you're getting annoyed at my annoyance yeah cuz I was like I was like let's turn around you're right this is like actually bad let's turn around and then like two minutes later you're like this fucking annoying I can't fucking deal with this and I'm like no no bro you had your chance I said let's turn around no no no hang on a second okay you said

you're right let's go I said let's go back with no I said we're too far towards the light

the light is that way not that way that's too far let's just go to the light okay which would be this place that would be, you said, would be open.

I assumed every place was open.

Right.

So I'm like, let's just get there.

We're closer to there.

I knew where we were, generally, that we'll go up here, but then we get to a park, which was during the day, it's beautiful.

At night, it's fucking night of the living dead.

Yeah.

And I'm like, fuck.

And that's when I started.

And then we started bickering a little bit.

Then it got tense.

And then when we walked up to the square,

this guy walks up to you and I'm like, can you?

I just left.

By the way, it's not raining now.

It's not raining.

There's no lights, which is worse.

I'd rather have rain.

I'd rather have a hurricane.

Like, it was dangerous.

I'm like, dangerous.

And nothing happened.

I'd rather have a zone five hurricane than complete darkness in a city like this.

Right?

So.

So you're screaming.

I tried to get you like, hey, buddy, when I said we could turn around, that's your last chance to complain.

And when you said no, that means we're in this together.

Yeah, but your tone, I'm your

thing.

I have aggressive.

I have aggressive.

Am I?

Yes.

Okay,

this is what bugs me about

passive aggressive people.

Uh-huh.

It's still aggressive.

Yeah.

It's worse.

It's the best kind of aggressive.

It's the worst.

It's a very unique kind of aggressive.

It's good, but I'm not aggressive.

Patton aggressive, when Patton Oswald comes at you, because he's not strong.

No.

And he doesn't know how to fight.

No, he's not aggressive.

He's almost like a female.

Yeah, it's like, why would you do this, dude?

This isn't your zone.

Why would you stay aggressive, Patton?

Worst type of aggressive.

First is Patton aggressive.

Second worst is passive aggressive.

And then the third.

The third is Sean Patton.

Sean Patton.

That aggression.

That's the person in general.

That's passive and aggressive, mixed.

No,

Sean Patton aggressive is like, come on, just do a shot.

I'm like, I'm already drunk.

Just do a triple shot of Jameson.

Phil.

I'm fucking like, we're so far away, and I know in my head, we have to walk back through the darkness.

So we find a hotel that is lit up.

Because they do have power.

We go into the hotel.

We're bickering.

We're fighting.

Like everyone assumed we were a gay.

I didn't even think of that.

They don't right now.

You're trying to play it cool and you're screaming at me.

You're making them triangulate our location by your fucking bickers.

Well,

at one point you like.

You were like, dude, fuck it.

This is go.

We're done.

This is, this is.

This isn't fucking.

No, you walked in.

This is what you said.

This really made me angry.

As you walked in, you went, this isn't the vibe.

Because we we walked in, there's a cigar bar upstairs.

It was like, oh, a nice, beautiful lounge

at the fucking place.

We were there.

And now we were in

sweltering heat.

We're in danger because of you.

You came with a great movie idea.

We did.

So

we have like this fight in this cigar lounge that had no AC.

And you kept going, this isn't the vibe.

I was like, Bob, I know you're mad at me right now.

And I know this is going to be the last thing you want to hear.

This is not great.

We're pouring sweat and we're sitting down.

And then we started arguing.

But the thing with you, you have that gene in you where you, whatever, even if you're wrong, you'll apologize later, but you're going to try to win the argument.

Because anytime, if you can, I'll let you win an argument, but if you say anything incorrect, I'm like, I got to stop you right there.

But you didn't understand the situation, what I was going through.

You're like, it was dangerous.

I'm like, what danger?

So we got here and nobody even tried to anything.

I don't know this.

I don't know.

I've never, here's the thing.

It's, they tell you in a regular night to be careful.

Not

blackout.

But we're in the zone.

Of course, of course, of course.

I didn't know.

You're like, nothing was going to be open.

I'm like, how did you know that?

Because I know.

Like, wait, you know, you've been to Cube before during a blackout and knowing that there's only partial turn-ons and not more turn-ons?

He said that.

He told us.

He said they sometimes, he said this, two things.

He said, they usually turn this part on first right and it's gonna go back out again guaranteed it'll flicker on and off when we were at that

he did say that yeah and so now this all this information's in my head all the if right so now we're sitting there and then at one point you said i go

i you said all right you got to calm down buddy or we got we can't do that's like this is in fault so i said let's get out of here so i went all right all right and then you were arguing your point again and i went listen if you want me to calm down i just gotta sit for a couple minutes without fighting.

Without fighting.

I can't argue your point because I'm the same as you.

You're arguing.

I want to argue back.

It's escalating.

I go, let me just sit for five minutes.

And you go, you went like this.

Okay.

And we just sat.

No, a few times.

And I'm like, let's just sit.

And I was like, and then I snipe.

You snipe.

You snipe.

And then eventually, though.

Because if you see a weakness.

I snipe.

You snipe.

So I was like, Ari.

So we chilled.

And then literally under five minutes.

Weakness.

Yeah, when you think you're.

No, no, no, weakness.

I'm saying

weakness.

What?

One-nothing.

Self-esteem.

Yeah, you went after my self-esteem and you made me angry.

But the whole time you're playing, you're always on guard about.

I played.

How can I play?

Thank you.

How can I play?

I could either mumble, I can ask something.

You did a lot of like, all right, all right.

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

And I'm like, eventually I'm like, that's that's fucking great.

That was good.

You know what it reminds me of?

Huh.

And then you start going, excuse me?

So listen.

So then we calm down.

Everything's done.

Wait, there's one thing I love about me and you over like that.

When you're like, hey, I'm used to danger.

I've been beaten up before.

Yeah.

I saw a dangerous situation.

My mind doesn't work.

I go to a different mode.

Yeah.

I said it's the same thing when I was in Spain.

I told you this.

In Spain, in Barcelona, looking for weed.

We're on the touristy, also a little bit pickpockety area.

I think Shane got robbed there actually when he was there years before.

Some guy's like, Guan marijuana, but he came up so fast, like, no, no, no.

And then I'm like, fuck.

I actually desperately needed marijuana, but he scared me.

Luckily, three minutes later, someone's like, go, marijuana.

I was like, yes.

The one thing that you have in an argument, when it's over, you'll have a good analogy to

actually say, I understand what you're going through.

And then we went downstairs.

I bought beautiful cigars, these little cigars.

And then we had to, we're like, all right, let's go.

We're We're walking back to the door.

Don't leave the door yet.

Let's plan it out.

Because I think it's this way.

Let's look again when we get through the door.

And then I go, Lord, did the bar open it?

The guy goes, They got power, but no,

no, they wouldn't be open.

I'm like, ah, fuck.

We walked through.

He's like, how are you doing?

He goes, I'm really tired, man.

I'm like, oh, shit.

I thought he was going to be like, I feel great.

We got power back.

He's like, this ain't the first time.

So we had a walk.

I said, hey, we're going to go, but if we see a light way, let's go the light way.

The only light way we saw was the end of.

Yeah, like, it's down there.

It's this little

yellow light.

It's just going through a peehole.

And we were walking and we just had to make it to the light.

It seemed like forever.

It was like a horror movie.

We had to make it to the light.

Came up with a great movie idea.

We won't say that because we want somebody to steal it.

Yeah.

Copyright, copyright, copyright.

And then we went, we went back to the original spot.

And now.

They had a live band playing.

Much like the first night.

Yeah.

They had a live band playing.

So sometimes it's bad, but it might be good.

Some Japanese analogy.

Sometimes it's, is it bad or is it good?

Yeah.

I don't know, son.

We have to wait and see.

And if we had waited for five minutes,

the vibe could be...

I kind of hated that bar anyway because it was like when I walked by before, before the blackout, before anything, it was like, oh, this is super touristy.

Yeah, but it wasn't that night.

It wasn't.

It was anyone out.

They're like, something's open.

Let's go there.

And then he tried to call the guy.

Like, hey, get down here.

We're making money.

So, we'll play the radio until then.

We'll play the Neptunes or some dumb, whatever.

Some bad bunny.

And then, it wasn't even bad bunny, it was like American clubs.

What was that?

Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Oh, my God.

What?

What?

The bird just got caught up on that wire.

It was trying to fly off.

And it was one nothing, one not.

Wow.

Did you hire a bird guy to have a bird do that?

That was fucking nuts.

I hope that bird dies in the middle.

Oh, my God.

It got caught around there.

It was trying to fly.

I was like, I had to go save it.

Whatever.

see how fast i almost jumped up

did you see that

um

yeah then we got there i'm like oh this is the vibe this is the vibe as soon as we got there you went this is the vibe this is the vibe

right

this is the vibe do you remember i just remember one thing that we saw before we went because at the very end of that first block was it was pitch black i was like let me just go to the block.

And you're like, I don't want to go in the darkness.

This is before we went off into the fucking

into the Warriors.

I didn't want to go in the darkness.

Yeah, and I'm like, I just want to go to the corner, like literally two doors down before it gets dark, and just look both ways.

And I did.

But while I was going down there, I saw a guy with an owned dog, real husky, and said, you know, pachicho, come, come.

The dog starts to walk, goes to one lady who's sitting there, lifts his leg,

just pisses all over her fucking leg.

The whole red one, no, no, no, no, no.

And he touched the dog.

What are you going to do?

This alpha dog just walked up to a lady and pissed right on her and his owner didn't say shit

and then walked a quarter block and then the dog attacked another dog and kept going.

Jesus

But we stayed there nice old lady.

She was like 70.

Yeah, she took it too.

She didn't even get, she just took it.

And then we got fries, we had drinks, we smoked cigars.

It was fucking exactly what we wanted to do.

We met a, which will take us into one of the last parts.

A German guy goes, hey, are you guys staying here for a minute?

Do you speak English?

Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, yeah.

He goes, can you watch my drink?

I'm pretty sure I went to C.

I think I did too.

And I was like, kind of like, I don't want to admit, I do speak English.

I was like, I want to practice Spanish.

And he goes, I'm going to my Casa.

It's right here.

Can you watch my beer?

I poured a beer.

Can you watch it for a second?

Sure.

And he comes back.

He was like, thank you, appreciate it.

He showed me the cigar he got from Vinyales.

Yeah.

We couldn't end up going.

So, well done.

Only 10 bucks.

It would would be 40 or 50 where I'm from.

Where are you from?

Oh, near Cologne.

Okay, cool.

You know, he's been to Germany.

Yeah, Munich and Berlin.

It's great.

Love it.

And he goes,

and you're like, America.

He goes,

did you vote?

I was like,

dude, I'm not talking about the election.

Right.

No, no, no, but politics, no, no religion.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, but I'm saying me and my friend have now at this point, three days after the election,

When was this?

Thursday night.

Don't know.

Yeah.

We're trying to actively stay away.

Still don't know.

Still don't know.

We don't know who won the election.

It is Saturday.

It's Saturday.

And

what helped was

no way of communicating with the outside world.

The hurricane helped us.

The hurricane helped us.

And he goes, Yeah, what do you think?

And he goes, Well, I just,

don't, don't do it.

And we have to do that so many times.

That's my most commonly used Spanish word.

Yeah, he that was a great name.

The guy with the fucking wheels that thin on that fucking 1974,

I forgot the name of the car.

They drove us to the beach.

That guy?

He was like, I'm like,

I even said I'm in Canada.

And then we went back to the Lucasa.

I think we had cheese and crackers again.

We had a little candlelight.

No, we had lights at.

We had...

Candlelight was the night before.

He went to sleep eventually, and I came back, like, drank another beer, came back.

You went out?

Oh, you went out again?

No, no, no.

The night the hurricane ended during the blackout.

then we came back.

I woke you up.

It was a blackout.

Hurricane just passed.

We're like, okay, it's getting lighter now.

The eye of the hurricane passed just.

They don't need to know this.

Yeah, they do.

They do.

And you're like, I'm going to go read.

I'm like, okay, I'm going to have another beer with the owner.

You know, I don't want to take off immediately.

No.

Another beer.

I get back.

I did go read.

Great.

Congratulations, buddy.

So we're in a blackout for the last blackout was

four days.

Yeah.

and it wasn't caused by a hurricane.

No, he was telling us, he goes, hey,

the power went out.

It's still raining.

They actually can't even start the process of it.

This one might be, and it's coming on the heels of the other one.

This might be really hard.

I forgot to charge my power brick.

Didn't charge your power.

So that was a zero.

Two of the power bricks out of three were not charged.

Very limited power.

Very limited.

I come back.

Yep.

You said, hey, when you leave, you had this little light that was slowly dimming, get the light.

I was like, okay, got that.

I come back.

You were asleep in bed with your phone, asleep in bed, your phone playing

out loud and with full brightness, Deadpool versus Wolverine.

Two.

Deadpool of two.

Was it two or three?

I don't know, Bob, because I just wanted to ship it down.

I'm not looking to see the fucking plotline at that point.

I'm like, are you out of your mind?

You're watching movies.

Bro, we need every ounce of it we can get.

And you're watching films.

I had hope.

You're not even aware of sequels.

And I'm like, are you put the?

And I turn it off.

And you're like, what are you doing?

I'm like, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

He goes, well, I didn't know I was going to fall asleep.

He didn't even need to fall asleep.

I need things in the background to make me fall asleep.

You and the chick, we come now.

She's doing words with friends.

Are you fucking out of your mind?

There's no place to plug anything in.

She's taking bats.

Go watch it, fucking Deadpool.

It was a mistake.

I turned my phone on for seven seconds to put it on low power mode and then turned it back off.

Yeah, it was a mistake.

It was a mistake.

It was a mistake.

But then

the next day.

Power's on now.

You got to give me credit.

You got to give me credit for this.

You underpack.

I overpack.

I brought light.

I brought...

freeze-dried survival food that with mac and cheese we ate.

Oh god, that was great because the gas did work.

The gas worked.

I brought, dude, I had everything you could possibly want I had.

We cooked a lobster that first day before it came because he was like, hey, the freezer is going to go.

Yep.

You want to cook it?

Yeah.

Bobby's like, I mean, I grew up in Massachusetts.

I cook it.

They're like, sick.

Literally, the chick is a chef.

Yeah.

She goes, well, he grew up in Massachusetts.

Yeah.

Four lobster tails.

Yeah.

She goes, I don't need food.

Okay, fine.

So four between three of us.

Yeah.

The host is just kind of like touching at it.

Yeah.

I was like, you're not going to eat it?

He goes, I get sick for overcooked seafood.

I overcooked it.

He goes, No offense.

No offense.

But when someone says that, offense is coming.

I overcooked it.

Here's why.

And he goes, Why don't you say you want to cook that way?

He goes, The guy said he's from Massachusetts and he grew up around lobster.

I don't want to be rude.

He's supposed to cook it very short one second.

But here's the thing: I didn't want to, I wanted to, whatever was in it, I didn't want, I wanted us to not

Where are you going?

See if that's on.

I wanted to, I didn't want to get sick.

I was a little nervous.

I'd rather overcook it and just eat it than fucking, you know, I'm not fucking Gordon Ramsey, fucking lobster tails.

He pulled out of a back room, by the way.

You know what I mean?

Frozen.

So yeah, the next day.

Thursday.

No, Friday.

We already went through Thursday.

Thursday was the fight.

Right.

Friday,

beach day.

Beach day.

Gorgeous beach.

We,

dude, that was probably

every single day of this trip we've done something epic.

$40 round trip, which included, the round trip included, he left.

He told us what time?

3:30, okay.

Included the guarantee that he will come back.

Pick us up.

2020.

Yeah.

He goes, it's 15 if you just want to go.

If I got to come back, and

you tell this guy to come th that's the greatest part.

Transportation here.

See ya.

Brother.

Salira Melodia.

Oh yeah.

Ah.

No, no, no.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is it?

What?

Okay.

What?

Oh, 12.

Okay, see.

We need a transportation to the airport.

Dude, he doesn't.

He knows they do it.

Yeah, but he doesn't understand what you're saying.

We'll get it.

We'll get it.

We'll get it later.

Okay.

We got it.

Okay.

Got it.

Airport?

No, no.

Buddy.

We'll do it later.

Drive to the airport?

See?

Yeah.

11.

No.

No, what time?

Two.

No, one.

Una emedia.

One.

Una media.

One.

Una emedia.

Not one.

One fifteen.

Una immediate.

What's that?

Una emedia.

What's that?

One thirty.

One.

See.

One thirty.

Yeah.

Okay.

T.

Okay.

Gracias.

Gracias.

I got there, you did

you do this fun thing where you learn one word and just and and then you just screaming at them.

You're just like whatever it is, you want to be like, hey, where can I hang out my hat?

And just go, hat.

I talk, I talked to all hat, hat.

And they're like, I don't, yeah, I talk to the hat.

I talk to all foreign people like they're deaf.

I'm like, this

you actually got that one.

So the beach was great.

15 bucks for the whole day.

Such a dude, the water here is like Aruba.

If better, the sand was better.

15 bucks for the the whole day for the guy who set up two lounge chairs, two chair chairs, an umbrella.

Yep.

Whole day, 15 bucks.

Coconut?

But the guys would come up by with coconut, Conron or not Conron.

Yep.

And then we heard.

I was wearing that Ron Bennington is named after an alcoholic Spanish drink.

Conron?

Ron.

Ron.

Maybe.

Ron.

Maybe, yeah.

He is from Tampa.

He's really doomed.

And he is Spanish.

Yeah.

Food.

He ruled.

And he goes, let me know.

I'll put in your order.

Then I got a lobster.

You got chicken, rice.

Yeah.

He said, and vegetables?

I'm like, no, no, don't take it.

Fucking put the vegetables.

Go in the porch.

Don't eat

salad.

Don't eat any raw vegetables because it's been washed with the local water, which is the best thing.

No

fria.

Freon.

No, frion?

Fria.

Don't eat frion?

Don't eat ice.

Yellow.

Yellow.

See yellow.

That was the first term I told you.

Seen yellow porfook.

Seen yellow porphyrupa.

God, that beach was fucking awesome.

Dude, it was, I mean,

I could, if I came here with Donna Max, I would just go there every day.

Yeah.

Be on the beach.

Food, pretending to be a little bit more difficult.

The people that come by,

like, usually at like Bahamas, they come, they're aggressive.

I heard Verdondo beaches like that.

Oh, well, this beach.

They were not that aggressive.

The guy with the hat came over.

Somebody started playing music, a bongo and a guitarist.

And I was like, no, no, I just wanted to.

And they came over, they they played.

Yeah, they played.

And then you looked at me.

I looked over Bob.

He was.

I was pretending to be asleep.

But pretending so hard that I was like,

I mean, as close as we are.

So at some point, I was like, I'm actually worried because this is beyond reasonable act out.

I thought they were leaving, and I looked up, and you had them right in front of me playing to me.

I mean, screaming in my face, their song.

I put my hat on my table, my chair.

He starts looking at it.

He says something about the hat.

I'm like, oh, it's a hat.

He's wearing one of those DC hats or whatever.

DG.

DG, yeah.

And

he keeps saying something about the hat.

And I thought he was joking.

I couldn't quite understand it.

And I was like, then it hit me like, oh,

you want a chain?

You want a combio?

Right.

And he goes, yeah, I'm like, oh, you just like gray?

I had a foundation cigars hat.

Yeah.

I don't wear hats.

I have my Yankees hat, it's the only one I need.

So I brought a lot of stuff here to throw out.

Right.

Gift of goodwill and whatever.

And I was like, all right, yeah, sure.

I mean, this is the only day I was going to use it.

I didn't use it the whole time anyway.

I was like, sure.

You changed hats with the dude.

Bumbio.

It's great.

He was put it on.

His hat.

So fucking sweaty.

He loved his new hat.

He loved his new hat, bro.

He loved it.

Yeah, the water.

Water,

water was great.

I mean,

it was such a great thing.

You put a table right in front of us.

They come out with it.

Fork and knife, yeah.

It was like a four-star restaurant.

Yeah, when the food came.

Even though the table was a half a star.

Table wasn't great.

It was dirty.

It's a dirty table.

Yeah, but fuck all that.

It was fantastic.

We were talking about the idea of capitalism, too, that would ruin this.

They'd turn it into Verdondo or turn it into Aruba.

Like hotels everywhere.

Nothing.

If they take the sanctions off, America is going to come in here full force and that beach will be Marriott's.

It'll be more accessible to more people, but less valuable to a smaller amount of people, the ones that go there.

I just don't know.

I think it would still be good for the people here because they would make more money.

They would make money.

They are in a neutral place for the sake of more money for some.

Every person over here or over there.

Only it'd be outside investors making the money.

Yeah, but no, but they would be jobs.

And they'd be making dollars.

They'd be jobs.

They'd be dollars.

They'd be getting paid a lot of money.

Maids, chefs.

I heard Veradondo Beach is like non-stop hawkers.

Yeah.

Non-stop buggers.

Yeah, this was not bad.

I mean, there was a lot of them, but not.

They wouldn't, no, and they just keep moving.

And I was like, how much for the rump?

You called the guy back.

He offered you fake cigars.

Oh, fake cigars.

Shitty fake cigars.

And be like, I might get these.

Like, you you already have these are fake ones.

And you're like, how much was it?

You're like, 10 pesos.

Like, oh, 10 pesos.

Because I bought a 20 peso hand-rolled, like a bodega cigar.

I was like, yeah, for 20 pesos, let me try it.

I got nervous, same thing, got nervous.

I was like, I saw 20 and I kept walking.

You were like walking back from the Hotel

Nacional, whatever.

And I saw it.

I wanted to stop.

You're going.

I'm like, wait.

And I, Bob, hold on a second.

I think I want to get those.

It was because it was in the house of a woman.

And it was only 20.

I'm like, that's

cents.

It's only cents.

30 is a dollar, so we're talking about like 70 cents, I think.

No, 300 is a dollar.

So it's like 15 cents, whatever it is.

And I was like, yeah, let me get one.

And then, but I had to stop, walk, and come back again.

And those are 20.

These are 10?

Yeah.

And I was like, and you're like, yeah, it's 10 pesos.

I'm like, oh, 10 pesos, dude, that's like six cents.

Yeah.

And you're like, I don't know.

Who cares if they're fake?

I'll come back.

Like, here's a 10.

And the guy's like, $10.

What the fuck are you doing?

$10.

He goes, you're like, oh, I thought it's pesos.

He goes, how could you think it's pesos?

You can't buy a bottle cap for a fucking 10 pesos.

And you're like, oh, well, I don't want it.

Here's how you get rid of them, though.

But he wasn't.

If you don't want the cigar guys bugging you on the beach, just have a cigar.

Because they know you got them.

You already bought them from somebody else, or you have them, you're not going to buy it.

God, that day ruled, drove back, almost hit a few people.

Oh, that car.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got back.

We went, got a little

food and a little coffee.

Bonbon.

Cafe bonbons are great.

Cafe bonbon is my new favorite coffee, by the way.

Anywhere that has it.

We did it.

We did that, and then we went back, got dressed.

I bolted to try that.

Oh, yeah, you left.

I was like, I want to find a case of those.

How happy were you to not be,

to be alone?

Oh, great.

Because I made a hard line.

I was going fast because I was like, it's going to get dark in about an hour and a half.

I got to get there and get back.

And I don't know if it's, and it's in the shitty part of town.

And I had, by the way, because I might have stopped back for souvenirs, so I had probably $150 worth of pesos on me.

That's a lot.

Yeah.

Like, strapped like this.

It's probably that much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

so I was like, I'm not slowing down.

I went to the place, couldn't find it, walked up and down, tried to find an up-and-place to buy a couple Hoyo threes.

Went to the wrong spot, came back, didn't find it.

Anyway, but I got back.

Yeah, you got back.

I was on the balcony listening to the Cuban music, smoking a bat, having a lot of money.

You greeted me in Spanish.

Oh.

Give me an hola.

Hola.

It's like, hola, senor.

Yeah, because

it was like you were going there.

I'm like, let him just go do his.

You need some travel tip.

When traveling with a partner, have some alone time.

You need some alone time.

Because what you do and what I do are two different things.

I loved, I got up, I called Max and Dawn.

I went on the balcony.

I made coffee.

I got a fat fucking cigar.

You don't want somebody going, hey, come on, come on, come on, come on.

I was playing Cuban Cuban music, the sun was going down, dude.

I was in my head.

I could sit on that balcony all week long, by the way.

Yeah, love it.

And you went

quit with the fucking cord.

She's screwed.

The cord never was here.

This is her spot.

All of a sudden, they put a fucking cord up.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's not her fault.

Yeah.

You know, it's like somebody putting a fence up around your house.

You'd be like, what the fuck is this?

What would that be?

That's true.

Look at that.

Nice.

You see that?

Yeah, she picked up up a dove, like the fucking dove in Noah's Ark.

Wild.

It's mating season.

She's getting that to trade for pussy?

No, she's making a nest for eggs.

I'm thinking of a different kind of mating.

And then last night, we had the night we were trying to have, the night we were trying to have, the night we got into the fight, we had last night.

Floridita.

We went to Floridita and then...

Did a little research.

They were like, there's a lot of locals that go there.

It's not, it's some tourists, but it's mostly locals.

It was awesome.

It was awesome.

We saw some fucking weird kid pick us up.

That guy came in so fucking stoked.

He had the wrong vibe.

But the right vibe for us.

Because we were staring at him.

Even the Mexican girls, those hot fucking big booty Mexican girls, they started filming the music and they just turned and started filming this guy.

I mean, he was in the singer's face.

Like, like you're singing, palamo, and he's just like.

And then sometimes you get in his head and you just go.

He started to sulk.

For some reason, he was sulking.

We saw cool old people dancing.

I saw a lot of old people here that I want to be.

Yeah.

You know when people get so drunk that they go through emotions?

They whip to them.

It just goes, ah, I'm fucking free.

And then they like.

Yes, exactly.

I'm fat.

I mean, he picked a little bit.

And then I really zoomed because he kept staring at this chick's ass.

Yeah.

I thought he was.

I don't think he was, actually.

And then eventually,

eventually,

dogging.

This is the second nose pick we've had since Harlan told me about a great nose pick in India.

So far up, he got up to here.

What did you say happened to him?

He turned it.

His eyeball popped out.

To make room.

And then he picked it, and then he flicked it.

I love, we got the flick.

Quick flick.

Oh, man.

That was great.

That bar was great.

I mean, and the service kind of sucked a little bit, but.

Yeah, I was like, well, we want a virgin.

daiquiri.

It's where the daiquiri was invented.

Hemingway hung out there all the time.

There's a picture from 1951.

Statue.

Pre-Bay of Pigs, statue of him in the corner, where Muriel Hemingway, there's a picture of her sitting by the statue.

It must have been his spot.

That was his spot.

He knew the owner.

The owner was a mixologist.

Yep.

Came up with the daiquiri, that kind of daiquiri.

He started sweeping floors.

He was a floor sweeper, knew how to make mixed drinks, came up with the daiquiri.

Friends with Hemingway.

And then he opened up that place.

Then there was a hotel that Florida, Florida.

Florida.

And they opened up

Floridito is Little Florida.

And they came up with that.

that's how they got the name and

man so we asked for a virgin whatever for you and a bottle of water bottle of water came my mojito came I had all the mojito cuba libre

daiquiri therapy I had all the fucking drinks they should have here and then we just kept I wanted to cheers and I'm waiting for this virgin daiquiri and then eventually I'm like hey the daiquiri goes yeah yeah

and then eventually again I'm like the another the virgin daiquiri

then he comes back and I was like hey the daiquiri he goes ooh

ooh he goes

you know, and then it comes.

Yeah, he didn't like me.

But the end, you want to be in the game?

He's a gang member.

Didn't he explain to you the whole history of Florida?

I asked him the history of the Florida dita.

He told us the whole history.

Very nice.

He had a hair lip.

He had a hair lip.

I think he was cut in the gangs.

And then

he had a Joaquin Phoenix.

Hi, Bird.

And then...

What was the gayest thing I've ever heard you do?

High bird?

The way you said it,

and the words too.

The reason why she's getting caught up in the wire, she's trying to take the wire for her nest.

Oh my God, you're right.

Yeah, she wants that wire for her nest.

And then we went to, I mean,

we passed Dragnight sign the night before.

Yeah.

Let's come here tomorrow.

Drag night Friday.

Fuck, okay, I remember.

Like, where was that?

Like, oh, we didn't mark it down.

Same as the coffee shop we never found again.

We had one amazing cup of coffee.

Actually, the guy here made us another great one.

Those are the two highlights of coffee.

And the bonbon, three.

Yeah.

and we're like oh we didn't write it down or even mark it on our calendar we're like well that's a mistake but we found it you found it i'm i'm i'm good yeah you found it i'm good with map once i know once i get the map in my head i know where the bro and that was the vibe that was the best vibe i think the best vibe so far he was a trans lady not trans no a drag queen drag queen 100

singing but not even trying to raise her voice high just singing karaoke singing like a dude and then oh that she passed the mic to regular people it really was just like a drag lady was running

the reason why it it was cool they took over the whole street the whole street one clean street the one clean block in this whole town clean block

they had tables on each side the whole block was blocked off with people singing dancing dancing they had a samba line oh they passed by using great it was great it was great

you got some tostonis going in guacamole the waitress was awesome she spoke english She was cool.

She was cool as shit.

She was like, you have Papa Speaker?

She goes, no.

I love Papa.

And she goes, hey, we have tostones with guacamole.

And I'm like, okay.

It's great.

It's great.

I mean, great vibe.

She had a massive that drink was huge.

Yeah, it was matte.

I mean, everything was great.

And then the last day, we're like, we're like, you're going to get the mojito with the ice.

Because the day before, I was like, no ice in my mojito.

That's the first day.

And I was like, yeah, it's the last day.

Let's test it.

Let's get.

Let's get it.

It's not going to go on my vacation.

Yeah.

Fine.

Fine.

I didn't even shit today.

No, I haven't got sick once.

We did good.

We did good.

And ending it off last night, beach

smoked a cigar out there by the

smoked a cigar with the drag knight.

Dragnight.

I sang along with it.

You thought I was singing the Spanish song by heart.

I have a video of it.

I was like, he knows Spanish.

He's doing it.

You know how excited you are about speaking fluently.

And I'm like, he's singing the song.

You're like, how the fuck?

And then you're like, look, I like 10 minutes later.

You're like, oh.

You're just reading Spanish.

Yeah, that was awesome.

Last night was great.

Good cap off to this trip.

Listen, when you're planning a vacation, let's wrap this up.

When you're planning a vacation,

there's things that are going to get in the way.

None less than a

third degree hurricane.

Third degree, okay, we'll go.

Cause like six kilometers away from you.

Yeah.

But we rolled with it.

Yeah.

It actually became more.

We didn't get to go to Vinyales, which just changed our plans.

We didn't get to go to Finca Hemingway, which That, yeah, that sucked.

We should have done that thing.

Go back.

I'll be back.

Be back.

Yeah, I really wanted to do that.

And also,

but we did the next day, the owner of this casa was like, oh, go out.

This will be very interesting for pictures to see the destruction.

Let's like, you're going to go see the day.

I'm like, that was interesting to me.

It was wild.

At 9 a.m.

to go out, see the morning after you see people like sweeping water out of their homes.

Yeah, the trees all down.

Trees all down.

Even at the hotel, the tree, that huge tree came down at the Hotel in National.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was.

The Museum of the Revolution I wanted to do.

That was closed the day before the hurricane.

It's been closed every day.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but I think a tip that you would give

she's not getting stuck.

She's just trying to take it.

Stop with the bird.

She had it on her leg.

She's not going to, she's be fine.

Okay.

God, I hope it dies now.

I do too.

I hope it dies in front of you.

I hope it wraps around this neck.

Throw it down.

Somebody will eat it.

Someone will eat it.

Somebody's selling those, holding them by the leg.

I tell you this, though, the videos I watched all helped

Helped a lot.

Do a little research.

Do a little research.

This is not, it is not a dangerous city.

You will be, you, I call you be bugged.

You'll be bugged.

People will bug you.

They don't have luxuries here.

So just go, hey,

say no, and just keep walking.

Say no, por favor.

Oh, here's a tip: what he told us to say: vivoqui.

Vivoci, would you hit if you live here?

I gotta say with a slightly better accent than that.

Vivo.

Vivo.

Vivocchi, vivochi.

Vivochi, vivochi.

Here's the problem with me: I turn, I go, vivocchi.

Yeah.

Vivocchi.

Like what's vivocchi?

Vivocchi.

Vivo aqui.

Vivo aqui.

Yeah.

You say it too fast.

This is your problem with you.

When you teach me words, you say it the way it's supposed to be said.

Instead of going, vivo.

You're talking to me, vivoqui, like I can't hear.

Vivocchi.

Vivo aqui.

Vivoquoquoquoquoquo aqui.

Vivoci.

You're right.

I'll work on that.

Thanks.

Yeah, give up on the bank.

Bring dollars.

Bring dollars.

Bring dollars.

Bring your expectations.

Bring your expectations way down.

Fuck food.

Oh.

We forgot something.

So we go.

I forgot something too.

We go, we get back from the beach.

Yes.

I was like, maybe you should drop us off near where the little rolled cigars are, like the local cigars.

And those were good.

You could just chew on them like Clinice would.

I really like those.

They're like Italian cigars.

She goes, do you want a whole box?

I thought she meant to do a box to hold this in.

And I was like, don't waste it.

But I realized later, yeah, a whole box for

200 or 400 pesos, like a dollar.

I was like,

stupid.

Anyway, we're like, no, let's get a coffee.

You're like, I'll do either one.

And I was like, yeah, you're tired.

It's fine.

I was like, I'll go walk out there.

But we got a bonbon near the square, and I mean, little kids were touching us, going, Give me some french fries.

Hey, give me a dollar.

And the guy there was like, speed it, beat it, beat it.

Some woman comes over, like, where are you from?

And it was like, she just turned, walked away.

Beat it, beat it, beat it.

You go into pay.

Is this what you forgot?

I forgot.

Okay.

You go in to pay.

Yeah.

I'm out there waiting.

Yeah.

I see a woman

excitedly.

I mean, there's got to be worth her more than excitedly.

Shit.

Running out, staring at a bill, at a unit of currency.

I couldn't see what it was.

A smile that was like, like the first time you fell in love.

And the chick's like, I love you too.

I like you too.

It's seventh grade, even then.

Turning it over.

And I'm like, wait.

B-lines for a guy who's standing with another guy.

He takes it.

He's looking at some other guy staring over his shoulder.

He's smiling.

And I'm like, that's not too.

That's the fucking dude.

I walk out.

They turn back.

They all look over at where it might have come from.

I walk out and you immediately go, you gave me the two, didn't you?

You gave me that two, didn't you?

And you're like, how do you know that?

I'm like, bro.

If I handed that hot chick a two,

she lit up.

She lit up.

She went like, oh.

And then the lady that works to the manager went like this.

Give it to me.

And she took it.

She put her glasses on.

She went, looked it up and down like it was a rare archaeological find and then ran out of the building.

And I was like, I took it, put it in the back of the car.

They were all talking now.

Now that's everything's coming up in the world.

Just think, two days ago, we had a blackout.

Maybe our home was going to be destroyed.

And now we're sitting here with the two.

You were out like, hey, I got somebody.

I'm like, I already know.

I already know.

Yeah, the two worked.

And he was like, how much did you get?

Bobby goes, how much did they trade it for?

I'm like, $7.

It's just not true.

Well, this is a great trip.

A great trip.

I'm so glad I held it.

I was going to go two, three years ago.

I had 10 days, 12 days off, and I was going to go straight from there.

And I was like, hey, you want to go?

I remember calling you.

I was in lockdown from COVID in Tampa or in Lakeland.

Had COVID and I was like planning it and I was like, do you want to go?

And you're like, I can't go on 10 days notice.

I do and you're such a cigar guy you're really the number one first cigar guy in comedy not Milton Burrell tastes but in my generation-ish of comedy yeah you're the cigar guy everyone else got into it now but you've always been into it you got me into it yeah and um

and so I was like no I'll save for to go with you yeah and I'm so glad I did me too dude this has been a fucking this is one of the best trips of my life what a black people were like Bobby's not going like why not he goes he's not trust me he's not gonna come like why he's got a family I'm like yeah they'll be there.

They'll be there when he's back.

Yeah.

It wasn't even like, can you go?

Man, what a fucking blast that was.

And we still don't know.

It's Saturday morning.

We still know the president.

And I'm hoping to not know.

I want to know until.

I'm going to go as long as I can, but we're already five days.

It's great.

Hopefully we've passed by all the anger.

Yeah.

All the screaming at everybody.

It's your fault.

So I did this in Ecuador.

And I'm like, I'm not going to find out.

I talked to Jay like a week later, big Jay.

I was like a week and a half later.

I was like, I'm not finding out who won the president.

I still don't know.

He goes, neither do we.

And I was like, what?

He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, they're doing recounts.

It's not going to be a while.

I'm like, oh, my God.

Okay.

I'm going to try to find out on the bonfire Monday at five o'clock.

Tell them before you come in, just say, hey, I don't know yet.

I still don't know.

Don't say a word, no spoilers, not even hints.

Jay's bad at that.

He'd be like, well, let me just tell you one thing.

Exactly.

And

I hate what somebody's like, let me just say one thing.

No, no spoilers.

I'm going to watch the show you just do.

And it's been great to miss it all because so much anger.

So much anger.

And last time was three months of it.

This time it was just about two weeks, but it's going to be a lot of fun.

I didn't miss it all.

No social media.

No social media.

No, no bullshit.

No, nothing.

It was clean, clear.

Yeah.

I got one text from to your phone that needed me, and it just made me in a foul mood for a day.

You had to take care of that, though.

I had to take care of it.

You took care of it.

Yeah.

Put me in a foul mood.

The rest of that day I was fucked.

I was like, I need to get clean.

I need to get clear.

And then I did a back to vacation Ari, which is the best Ari.

By the way,

little tip, if you notice, when I think clearly like this, it's when I say something I shouldn't say.

Just next week on podcasts, I might fuck up.

I got to remember that.

Don't fuck up this time.

Yeah, please don't fuck up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a great, great trip.

Great place to visit.

Definitely come here if you can.

Definitely come here.

Hopefully the embargo ends at some point, but Democrat and Republican sentiments.

Not dangerous.

Presidents have not changed it back.

Not dangerous.

Not dangerous.

I mean, you might get robbed.

Worse, you'll lose your money but it won't be a lot you're gonna be walking around with that most 50 bucks worth of pesos on you something like that and remember that that wad of pesos is fucking 10 bucks they don't take any american credit cards yeah no american credit cards and your cell phone ain't gonna work so

download google maps offline google map and translate google translate google translate and download spanish and google maps that saved me the google maps offline was epic yeah just having that yeah you know buddy this is a fucking great trip yeah great this is a great trip Where do you want to go next?

Anywhere?

Not with me, but anywhere in general?

I think I want to go to Rome with the family.

Wow, that'd be great.

Yeah.

Never been?

I've been.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been all over Europe, but she's never been.

So I think Rome.

Yeah, this was a fucking city.

I think in Amsterdam, go to Paris and then go to Rome.

Good tip for you for Amsterdam.

There's a museum there, a modern museum.

It was like not a big tourist spot.

I gotta find the name of it, but I would recommend that.

Bro, this was great.

Yeah.

Yeah, this was great.

And it makes me want to come back, too.

I can go to Vinales.

I can go to Hemingway Finca.

Yeah, well, if you come back, I'll go.

I'm going to go to music.

I go to LAMA and go to fucking Reggaton.

We should come back,

stay here, or stay in

Vinales.

Vinyales, yeah.

Vanales.

A couple of days.

And bring somebody else with us.

Yeah.

And here's one last tip.

Bring some stuff to give away.

Since they can't get anything, it's not about the money.

It's about like...

Ask them first.

Ask them.

Do you need anything?

They might go light bulbs.

Yeah.

Like, it won't be a major thing, and they'll pay you back.

Or it might be a super minor thing.

Yeah.

But your little bottle opener caravan is like, oh.

Yeah.

And he goes, you can't, he's like, I just couldn't find, there's no REI here.

Yeah.

So you're like, you keep it.

Yeah.

So for that, for $7.

I'm going to charge them for that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, bring some stuff for them.

Yeah.

And man, what a fucking blast.

Last trip.

Also, you could see this.

You said this over and over again.

You can imagine these places before the crumble.

Yeah.

And this could have been like Paris.

This could have been,

the most ethic

Europe because of the beach.

It's in the beginning.

You would have amazing coffee, you would have amazing tobacco, you would have amazing sugar cane, you would have five-star hotels, music everywhere all the time.

Caribbean water.

It really is the perfect place.

Great fucking trip.

Great fucking trip.

All right, brother.

Yeah.

All right, let's buy some souvenirs and go home.

Sounds good.

All right.

Bye, guys.

Thank you.

Please subscribe.

Yeah.

And check out Bobby's Pie.

I'll do wrap-ups, but check out Bobby's Passes.

You know what, dude?

The Regs, Bone to Pick, and Bonfire.

Damn it, bro.

How do you get up with family?

That's crazy what I just said.

That was a long thing, and I didn't even get to your dates.

Go to punchup.live

slash Robert Kelly.

Come see me live.

Yeah, see him live is one of the best comics working.

Crushing, crusher.

I mean, I told the MC when we did a show in Miami to pay for it, by the way.

This is all on the arm.

I know.

Because we didn't want to come in at night.

Thank you, Impro.

Thank you, Justin.

Thank you, Matt.

Cafesito Comedy.

Oh, I told the MC, he was like, should I bring you right up?

I was like, no.

Two, four minutes.

Give me a chance, bro.

First of all, dude, I think right now

in the game, watching you

on Sunday night,

I know when a guy is the best, you went up and just the whole, I mean, murdered.

Fucking murdered.

you can go up after anybody anywhere anytime and it takes two seconds and all of a sudden they're in your vibe and there's no looking back i i mean you're murdered fucking murdered you're

in a great place one of the funniest fucking guys out there right now i think i really do man i really do you're fucking unique funny and uh

and uh you can tell by your fan base your fans are fucking great there's a group of us i tried to do this early on i was like i'm gonna give you a new hour every year i won't come back unless i have a new hour or if i if i have to if i'm getting ready for a special i'm gonna very well publicize this is the one you saw a year ago yeah this is a lot of that same stuff but generally a new era but what I want is I'm not you're not in this thing of like I'm gonna fill up a massive place with just my fans you're taking a chance on me you're not like I got to see so-and-so sometimes there's shitty comics but they're very well known for mute for like you know TV or podcasts or whatever and you just want to say I saw them what we're offering is a great night out yeah

And you're always going to have, and I always try to have, like, you bring a date on this, I'm not going to waste your money.

Yeah.

You're going to be like, we had a lot of laughs with a date, and that was a fucking good time for the reasonable price.

I'm not overcharging through.

Neither are you.

Yeah.

And that's what we've been doing for a long time.

There's a group of comics now who just do that.

Yeah.

It's cool.

It's cool.

It's a good place.

It's a really good place.

Yeah, it is great.

All right.

All right.

Hey, oh.

I'm not doing it, bro.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

I just got caught in the chair, too.

One, nothing, one, nothing.

It's on the record.

It's on the record.

It's on the the record.

It's on the

fuck is that when I got your kid?

It was so funny when I got your kid.

I was like, Max Max.

He said it, and I was like, and I go, one nothing goes, put my father on the phone.

He was so mad.

All right, shutty, shut.

Okay.

Addendum.

Addendum.

Yeah, addendum.

Why?

Oh, Oh, sorry.

I got nabbed.

You got nabbed.

I lost all my Churchills from hotel.

Yeah.

There is an embargo.

There's an embargo.

Yeah, I mean, you are an American citizen.

Damn.

Unbanded.

They were all unbanded.

All you had to do was go, uh...

Thank you.

Sorry.

I needed this advice beforehand if they said

i did take it to you i said take the bands off the bands were off and i said tell them they're nicaraguan at the house i don't hear that i didn't hear that i said that i told you that it was what i was

i was doing

when did you say that what's your memory of saying that when we were leaving when we were leaving and i said i'm taking

what leaving the casa well nothing

sorry shouldn't have done that i should have let you have that one

where were we when we were leaving the casa where was this kitchen in the kitchen We talked about it a couple times.

We've philosophized about this whole thing over and over.

Taking the band off.

Taking the band off.

That wasn't made clear.

From Nicaragua.

I don't know.

They're not going to analyze it.

So you're like, you have to have the band off.

That's all I remember.

You just have to have the band off.

Have the band off and say.

There was no teaching on what to do if you're stopped.

Just you have the band off.

Well, I did say you can say they're from Nicaragua.

Because they can't, what are they going to do?

anyway tests one thing they did not take with these records that I got

we gotta talk about this you got yours that's okay it's all right it's a hundred and seventy five plus plus

it's 120 dollars it's not that it's a smokes they were dog shit what what's the nothing e

you the ones you were bringing back

The ones you got suckered for?

No, the two five packs from the hotel, Nazional.

Oh, those are good.

Churchills.

Ugh.

Five Churchills, five of the smaller ones.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Those were delicious.

I mean, delicious.

Yeah.

So good.

And we smoked one.

I smoked one.

All right.

I'm just like just going through it right now.

Yeah.

But anyway, these records we got.

I'm probably gonna get mine whacked too.

It won't make me feel better.

If they get whacked?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That'll make me feel none better.

I have one.

Mine, I got mine through.

Do you want?

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you want no?

Let's talk about this.

Yeah.

It's just sad.

People have now tuned out for the addendum

because it's so sad.

Say that from Nicaragua.

Where were you?

I was in Cuba.

All right, search.

You can't have these.

There's no like where are these from?

Those are my personal ones from Nicaragua, sir.

What?

Okay, go ahead.

This would have been, do it to me.

I'll be the guy.

What are these?

Not what are these.

They never said what are these.

You can't have these.

Can't have these.

I'm the guy.

You're you.

Can't have these.

Why don't you?

You're telling me what to do, but you're being the guy?

Yeah.

I'm going to be the guy.

Watch.

Just try it.

Then say, Dendigar.

You didn't meet the guy.

You can't have that.

You should have seen the lady.

She was such a bitch.

She was like, sign here.

Before she was a search.

I was like, there's no city on here, sir.

How am I going to know where to mail this?

Okay.

The other guy we're commiserating.

He was born in Cuba.

It was great.

Oh, Benny Mora.

Oh, I love them.

Just do the thing.

Fucking sidetracked.

Can't have these.

They're from Nicaragua.

Go ahead.

I swear to God, that's what will happen.

It's not even that bad.

It's $120 worth.

Now, dude, if you bought three boxes of Tuban, you'd be bumming.

if you had two boxes of boyos you'd be killing yourself right yeah but talk about this this was a great thing i wanted to find a record i like finding records in places and you know we saw that act certain kind of music and i wanted to get some maybe so we're like there's a two record shops let's go on a trip let's go this walk find out about a bottle store there was two one was later closed and they were all laughing at us and marking us for death yep And then one was like, it should be right here.

You're going, you don't know where it is.

You don't know where it is, dude.

I don't like that you make me.

I'm just not, but I was not not there.

You don't know where it is, dude.

It's one block up here.

There's a difference between, you don't know where it is.

You do it here.

You do you.

All right, right.

Dude, you don't know where it is, do you?

I do.

It's a block.

It's up here.

Dude, all right.

No, no, you are not.

Just admit it.

Just admit, you don't know what I'm saying.

All right, don't do it again.

Do it again.

You don't know where it is, do you?

I do.

It's a block up.

Just admit it.

You don't know.

It's all right.

I mean, that's better than

here's what you did.

You don't know where it is.

Like a Mickey from Rocky.

You don't know where it is, kid.

I already do that.

Play it back.

So we found a place.

It was past.

It was like, I don't know where it is.

Some guy, another guy's like, where are you from?

And

I don't know.

He goes, they have these people that will act.

But we're in a neighborhood, too.

We're not even in the Hawker neighborhood.

I got whacked today.

You know that those flip-flops I bought?

Yeah.

I didn't want to buy them.

They whacked you on this flip-flops.

I was looking in the window of a store.

First mistake.

Guy goes, well, you need, you need, you need to come with me.

He grabbed my hand.

He goes, come on, no, no, no, no, no, brought me in the store.

Then he took my sock off.

He's like, no, you try it on.

And I go, no, no, no.

I put it on the the bottom.

He took...

Dude, he looks like...

From the Incredibles.

Did I say it too loud?

Yeah.

Did he hear it?

I don't know.

Wow.

I think he heard it, but he didn't know you were referring to him.

That guy's never seen the Recredibles.

He's never been on a date or had a friend in his life because he looks like he's from the Incredibles.

I disagreed.

I think he has a lot of dates.

It's just not with

regular chicks.

He has dates the way Dahmer had dates.

Yeah, exactly.

He's had plenty of dates.

Dude, this guy took me in, took me by the arm, took me in,

picked my foot up.

Instead of taking, I go, I got it.

Wow.

And then he put the flip-flop, because he wanted me to try the flip-flop.

I put him on, then I go, I paid 20 bucks for those flip-flops.

I just wanted to get out.

I'm like, here, I just wanted to, I had to go.

Then he goes, okay, buddy.

20 bucks for the flip-flops?

For novelty Cuba flip-flops?

All right, yes.

Does it make you feel better about your cigars?

No.

No, I'm not that kind of guy.

I was that kind of guy.

I'm not that kind of guy anymore.

Well, I'm not.

Just sad.

Yeah, we don't know you're gonna unlock that guy anymore.

Oh, yeah.

No, okay, you left that in Cuba.

You left that in Cuba.

Oh, you left your guy in Cuba, too.

You took my headphones, you threw them back in the bucket today on the plane.

You're still that guy.

Oh, yeah.

So you probably take some headphones.

It's a 45-minute flight.

And so I go, I go, we're in the Miami airport lounge.

And

I said I didn't want it.

And

I picked mine up to give back to the guy, but I accidentally picked up two.

I realized I just put it back in, played perfectly.

Seven minutes later, he's like, Where are my headphones?

I'm like, They're in the bin.

And you're like, What bin?

I'm like, The guy had a bin.

You're like, No, no, I took one.

I'm like, Yeah.

To see it realize, like, no, I

fair.

You are, yeah.

But we,

so then some guy got us and goes, Oh, you have pachigos, but chigos, you want music?

I'm like, Yeah, he goes, come this way.

Pachigos, it was upstairs in a hovel.

But I'm like, I, no, no, no, this isn't it.

There was no markings on the outside at all.

Halfway up the stairs, there are some records on the wall, like records that say pachicos.

Yeah, records like

they're scaring you up there.

And then we walked.

I could feel you going, this isn't right.

And I wasn't disagreeing with my feeling.

I'm like, this seems.

Once I saw the records on the wall, it was like novelty records just on the wall for decoration.

I was like, oh, maybe this is it.

It's on Google Maps.

We walked up into somebody's kitchen

with a young man that

looked like he was going to murder.

They walked us through this kitchen, then a weird living room with more records on the wall, and then into a back room.

Sweltering hot.

Sweltering hot.

And you're sitting there going through records like

you were at Strawberries.

Because it was wild.

But you were like Strawberry's records back in the day, just going through them.

There was no order or anything, just shelf after shelf of these records.

And I'm like, I don't even know what to look for.

I'm not even into the record thing.

I don't have that.

I like records, but not like you.

And then I heard a noise come from the corner of the room.

And it went...

I was engrossed.

You were on the ground going through fucking...

We were talking, I was trying to with Spanish.

I'm like, wait, I was, I wanted to, I wanted to,

when I was a social club, she goes, and she explained, I think, she goes, no, no, that's just a group that's been going on for generations.

There's people who play there.

It's not an existing, it's just like a club.

And I was standing in the corner and I.

And what was that?

And I shit my pants.

I'm like, there's somebody, something in the corner in the room.

And then I look, and there was a secret room.

And I didn't go around.

I put my phone around first.

And I saw a full-grown hog in their house, dude.

Dude, dude, I wanted to go, pig.

There's a pig.

So bad.

Dude, you just go, hey, go look.

And I was like, what?

I thought, first I thought, more records.

Because

we're in a record store.

I know it's converted.

It's a record house.

It's a record house.

And I mean,

okay, first thought was records.

Second thought was no records.

And then nowhere on my list of possibilities.

He was a full-grown hog?

I mean, he was this big just looking at me all cute.

He's got to be dead by now.

buddy he is lunch he is in a sandwich he they had a little side room play the video with a pig and the pig looked he had the you got video of it buddy i got video he had eyes this he looked up and like dude get me out of here your video is is you seeing this pig please sir please

it just goes like this then comes back to the room and i'm just like oh the mora oh okay she's playing me record dude she had a record player she had to like it wouldn't start she had to like spin and then go.

Buddy.

And then put the record on.

He was so into this thing.

And I'm sitting there going, there's a fucking pig.

I'm like, dude, she's a little chubby.

That wants out of his house.

Dude, if you see his eyes, they just went white.

Like, please get me the fuck out of this house.

It was nuts.

It was nuts.

It was nuts.

It was crazy.

It was...

Fucking wild.

Number one, that the record store is in somebody's house.

I thought they were going to grab these.

I thought I wasn't allowed to have these either.

These never should have seen the light of day outside of this.

Is from

all of them are made in Cuba.

Yeah, because they know you bought them.

People don't travel with old records.

Yeah, but I didn't know what was embargoed and what's not.

But it's from the 60s.

Don't even have a date on this before dates.

You know what it is?

I think those are from the people.

That's it.

One.

Mantana Mera.

And then the Mantana Mera.

Those are from the people, and the cigars are from the to go to the government.

The money goes to the government.

So cigars.

They took my cigar that I got, the little 20, 20,

20 peso one.

Yeah, but the ones you had wrapped up, government.

So they don't want you supporting the Cuban government.

Yeah.

That is just people shit, so they don't mind that probably.

Right, right, right.

That's why.

They looked at the painting too.

They did?

Yeah.

What'd they say?

Nice?

He was like, he like molded over.

Beautiful.

Take it or not.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it was the last night.

Bobby got me a painting right the next day we went today.

The last night.

The guy was painting that exact block.

We went to a drag show the last night.

Guys, I'll take a picture or I'll upload it for you.

We went to this, the last night, last spot, drag show.

They took over the whole block.

We got that, though, right?

I don't know.

I think we did, did you?

They sing along with it.

You thought I knew Spanish?

A little bit, yeah, yeah.

Well, anyways, that, I went there today, guy was

watercolor painting that exact scene.

Take a picture, you can insert.

And I bought it for you too.

And you put in Spanish.

Yeah.

Thank you for waiting.

Thank you for waiting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And every time you look at that, you remember the last night and, you know, I should have got you one of like security.

I should have got me just a penny that said, say it's from Nicaragua.

But the record store was probably one of the highlights of this show.

God damn, that record store.

I can't believe we forgot it.

When I was packing, I was like, oh, we didn't even talk about the record store.

That was wild.

It was wild.

And we're commiserating about music.

I was like, okay, these good are good.

And she was almost like, before you leave, I want to play you more.

I'm not selling them to you.

You should know about some more music.

Yeah, she was great.

She was on an old Vitrolla.

She ruled.

The place is so cool.

We took a picture of her.

I brought up, I got that picture too.

I got praying hands.

You got the praying hands.

She was like, and she wasn't even trying to hustle because she goes, this might not be silver.

She offered that.

she goes this might not be silver i don't know there's usually markings so i don't it might just be like yeah metal yeah like that's pretty honest i think it's just metal but it was 20 20 oh sorry 10 10 55 and i was like how about 20 for all she goes oh you just you talked her down i did you bargained i did

you got one from a vente to a dia

yeah i did

I mean, I knew she needed money.

There's a pig in her house.

She needs needs money to feed that pig.

Dude, could you imagine living on the second floor?

Was that the second floor or third floor?

Second floor?

It was up there.

I think third floor.

I think it was third floor.

That means they had to walk the pig up there.

It wasn't born there.

That means in the middle of the night, her neighbors are like,

you'll be sleeping, you'll just.

I wonder if it has a name.

Yeah, Amuerza.

Contana Almuena.

Juantana Ameira.

That was the song we were trying to remember before.

That's the song, yeah.

The name is Almuerza.

Or maybe Senna.

Senna.

Well, there you go.

Alright, well that's it.

I have a bad feeling right now because I just got my, I got nabbed.

I was so confident going through it, too.

I'll give you, I'm going to give you...

It's not bad.

Well, let's smoke them at your place.

I was going to give you...

No, I don't like giving you any cigars.

I was going to give you a hug.

Oh.

Fuck.

We'll smoke them.

We'll smoke the wood.

I'll save those for you, dude.

I got these.

No, I didn't get anything through.

You got nothing through?

I mean, it's on air.

It doesn't matter.

Oh, we didn't get.

Nobody got anything through.

Nobody got anything through.

Well, no one got nothing through.

Damn.

Except for those records.

Except for those records.

Guys, until next week,

this has been Ubi Trippin'.

You'll be tripping.

Habana, Cuba.

Give me one nap.

What a time.

What a time, buddy.

What a time.

What a fucking time.

Fuck with Glassman.

Well, you guys, that's the episode.

And what a good one.

I am

I'm legitimately forlorn to have to have returned.

I spent the week I got back in America just like at least three days.

Like, legitimately sad.

I'm like, I don't want to be here.

I came back to the election, but that's not really what it was.

It's just like,

man, I got to get out of here.

I'm sitting on the other wall right now because I'm going to add to the money.

I got a bluey as the guy who confiscated all my.

He was cool.

That fucking bitch lady next to him wasn't that cool.

Demonetized?

He called it a bluey.

I don't know who that is.

It's Venti Pesos.

It's 20 pesos.

Who was that?

Camilo

Cienfuegos.

and there's the back I've already got tape on it anyway yeah the guy up but he was like I haven't seen one of these in forever he was Cuban he said he was born there he seemed like he didn't really want to confiscate my shit but he had to putting this up I think that's a perfect spot for it

oh Cuba bro we got this wall growing you guys all these places we've been in this podcast you'd be tripping have you subscribed I have two episodes left for the year, and if I don't get to 100,000 subscribers, I'm going to do something drastic.

I'm going to end this podcast.

That's not true, but let's pretend it is.

I'm going to end this podcast.

I'm going to take down every old episode.

Let's take it to 100,000 subscribers.

I'm at 99.

I mean, I'm right there.

Can you guys just go hit subscribe so I can get over 100,000 subscribers?

I know it shouldn't mean anything.

It means something to me.

I was so close.

I was ramp, ramp, ramp.

And then I stopped.

Next week is

who?

Ronnie Chang, a good one.

Talking about going to Europe for the first time.

He's ever been there.

Did a bunch of gigs.

I can't believe he's never been there.

I met him in Melbourne, Australia.

Malaysia, he's been everywhere.

Singapore.

He'll be back.

He doesn't like doing podcasts, but he liked doing this one.

But man, Bobby, what a trip that was.

What a fun trip.

Get my hat for this.

I mean, I just really felt, you know what?

I'll get this hat.

This is the one I traded to the guy.

This is the one I traded to the guy at the beach.

I gave him my

foundation cigars hat.

He was like, that's combio.

And I was like, okay.

Did we talk about this in the podcast?

Yeah, he traded me this one.

And I was like, okay, well, now it's like a souvenir.

No offense, Nicaragua, but I was never going to really wear that hat.

I brought it to Cuba to leave there because I already have one baseball cap and that's all I need.

Thank you for including that in the package of

cigars you sent me, but

didn't need it.

But it came in handy.

Made for a good story.

God, that place ruled.

It was cheap.

Obviously, there's some stuff I would have done differently.

I would have gone to Vinyales.

We had a hurricane.

I would have gone to Vinales.

And if I knew the hurricane was coming, I would have run to Vinales like right away.

I would have gone to

Hemingway's Finca right away.

Never got to that.

That was right in the city.

There's things I would have done.

But I kind of want to go back now.

I want to go back.

Don't forget to watch Killbox right now on YouTube.

It's just out now.

Leave a comment there.

Subscribe to Bobby's.

I convinced him to fucking put up something just for his stand-up.

It's youtube.com/slash Robert KellyComedy.

He's going to be appearing.

Go to his website, RobertKellyLive.com.

It's going to be in Kansas City, Batavia.

This is all in January and then onwards.

Levittown, Philadelphia, Unclesville, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Charlotte, San Diego.

My special comes out, but go see his special right now.

YouTube.com/slash Robert Kelly Community.

Hit subscribe here first and then go.

And if you're on Spotify, dude, all those wraps, those were fun.

Seeing how many people like this podcast,

let it result in a subscribe.

My special is coming out January 14th.

Set a reminder in your counters.

And the farewell tour is on sale now at ari shafir.com.

Lake Tahoe, Nevada, this weekend.

Yeah, this Saturday.

It was Friday, 21st.

And then next year, with Adrian, Pittsburgh, Providence,

without Adrian, Salt Lake City, Brea, with Adrian, Nashville, without Adrian, San Antonio, Tampa, Denver, with Adrian, Schaumburg, Illinois, Atlanta, Portland,

and then San Jose.

Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, and then in April, Seattle.

Vancouver's almost almost sold out, Calgary's almost sold out, Edmonton's almost sold out.

And then Anchorage in June, and then the Farewell Ferrari tour.

All this will have to come down.

Cuba ruled.

I really liked it.

I really liked it.

Would recommend.

Do I have a travel tip?

I don't know if you need travel tips there.

Bring U.S.

dollars.

We did that.

Bring U.S.

crisp dollars and some goods for them if they need.

I'm remembering that.

We did that now.

And have a better game plan for lying to them at customs about where you got your cigars.

You want, here's what he didn't tell me: you want unbanded cigars for the reason that you can then say these are not from Cuba.

I fucked up.

It still bothers me.

I wish it didn't.

It does.

I got a ton of cigars to get through before I leave for my sabbatical, so I don't even need those, but I wanted them.

Today's episode is edited by your mom's house, produced by your mom's house network.

It's edited by Alan Coffee.

Ton of pictures in that one.

So I'm hoping

you guys sent some appreciation in the comments for them because this one was a hard one.

They also had to take out any mention of anybody.

I guess I should have told you that in the bumper in the dates.

But yeah, this was going to be heavy with deletions because

it's illegal.

I don't know what all the legalities are.

And Kurt Kaz

went down there and filmed hookers, just talking to them, man on the street stuff.

Cool.

I've heard those hookers are doing 15 years in prison.

It's just like, damn.

So they had to do, Kaffy had to do like a real hard job removing any mention of anyone, any

place.

I don't know what's allowed.

Are you allowed to sell records?

Are you not?

I don't know.

You're allowed to have a peg in your house.

I don't know.

They did a good job of getting rid of all that.

So thank you very much, Kathy.

And that's it, guys.

Next week, go through Europe with

Ronnie Chang.

Then the final week of the year is going to be just a wrap-up.

Please submit your awards in the comment section of YouTube.

The awards, best

episode, best guest,

best trip.

Definitely

Harlem Williams could be best trip and best guest.

Some guys, great guest, not that great a trip.

Some guys, great trip, boring.

And any other awards you have, we'll just name them.

If you have an award, you're the only one to nominate somebody.

They might win an award, which is like

furthest away person.

Trip I'd least want to do myself.

Ooh, that's a good one.

It may be Duncan for India.

No, it might be Louis Katz for India.

Duncan seemed like he had a good time.

Somalia.

It might be Somalia with Tommy Tiernan.

Anyway, the Trippy Awards are coming.

Get your nominations in, and maybe for the last episode, we'll do that.

There's also going to be a wrap-up of

all the episodes.

So, and everything we did.

So, thank you very much, everybody.

Until next week.

I know this one.

Hasta Lovego.

No, no, it's Cuban.

Hasta Lovego.

They do it so fast.

They speak so fucking fast.

I miss it.

Damn, this trip was so cool because it like six days, right?

But it was eventful and in one city only.

So we really explored that city, and I got lost on my own and stuff.

But like

just it gave me the freedom because I was with Bobby

and I was kind of the leader in Spanish and stuff.

It kind of gave me the feeling of that freedom.

And I

can't wait for

the end of this tour.

And my special, January 14th, America Sweetheart on Netflix.

Back on Netflix.

All I had to do was prove it with 7 million hits in the comedy special, top 10 comedy special of the last 20 years.

And then they were like, maybe.

Anyway, you guys, until next week, Asaluega.

Europe, then that.

Oh, and then next year, we got a ton coming.

Jim Gaffigan, who is on the Hall of Fame of Traveling Comedians,

Burke Kreischer, Tucker Carlson, hopefully Tom Segura.

Dude, we got a shit ton.

And yeah, subscribe.

Bye.