Turkey w/ David Cross | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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Where you been and where you going?

This is our Reese Travel Show.

Yeah, we're going to talk about travel today.

It's you be tripping.

Yeah.

Welcome to UB Tripping, everybody.

The most diverse podcast on the planet.

Today we have a bald and a balding.

Dave Across is my guest today.

Everyone, clap at home.

Dave, where do you want to take me today?

I'd like to take you to Turkey.

Love it.

Yeah.

Have you been there?

I was there for a long layover from Egypt to

Oakland.

Wow.

Yeah, and I was like, they had to go this way and that way.

Wait, why did you, what was

why Egypt and why Oakland?

I was in Egypt.

I went to Israel first time back there in 25 years after Since Yeshiva with my brother.

And then

I try to do two new countries a year.

Oh, great.

That's great.

Yeah.

What's been your what's like top five?

I know that's asking.

Okay.

No, that's a better one than what's your favorite.

What's your favorite is?

Yeah, I've given you five.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Myanmar, East Timor.

Wow.

Mate, man.

It's tough now.

Greece.

Egypt was fucking ruled.

Romania.

Wow.

God, I want to hit all.

I haven't been to any of those.

Really?

Yeah.

Egypt is magic.

Yeah.

And I barely touched it.

Yeah, I'd like to see China's got to be up there.

Where in China were you?

Shanghai, Beijing, and Hong Kong, and then like cities outside those big towns.

It was coming.

I spent nine days in Shanghai.

Really?

Yeah.

Tour or just there?

No, they're for this other purpose, but

I'm not going to mention it.

I'm not going to mention it.

Just research chemicals.

Don't worry about it.

It'll be later.

We were doing a bit.

And

it was very interesting in that

it

you

I can't imagine Shanghai

being

built in the way it was being built in outside of a communist country where you have you you can dictate I know they were trying to

create work for all the rural

workers who were poor and didn't have work and they had decided to make a concerted effort to you know make Shanghai two three times as big as it was and they just brought in tons of work it's really dense and they all the bamboo scaffolding is something I never saw before crazy I forgot about that and somebody said at the point when whenever this was

that at

20% of the world's cranes were in Shanghai in use in Shanghai building Shanghai

which is already a a big city, but then they tripled its size.

I forgot about the bamboo because we have all the scaffolding here.

It's like a massive thing in New York.

It's all steel.

It's all steel.

And wood.

And there's just bamboo.

And it's 10 stories.

10 trifucking

50.

And you're like, how does this hold up?

10 stories of bamboo.

And just crisscross and straight up.

Yep.

And then

the Jack Chan movie being filmed up at the top.

Yeah, Shanghai was a trip.

And

what a crazy mix of capitalism and communism.

It was so I've never I haven't traveled as extensively as you have, but I've traveled a fair bit, and I've never seen so you'd have like this very western

kind of disco bar, big, right?

You know, and and something you'd see in the States, you know, and a a nice, nice one.

And then they're

every,

I don't know, uh, twenty, twenty-five feet.

There's a guy with an a a military guy with a with a arm, you know, a machine gun or an armed, you know, an assault rifle with a shiny silver helmet and white gloves, and they're just standing there all.

So you'd go, it was just weird.

But also, you know, they, I remember two things.

They're both like in the same little area.

Bikes didn't have blocks on them.

Somebody would ride their bike and they'd leave it outside of a store and they'd go into the store.

I saw that and at the same area, very nice area,

meaning it was clean.

It was very clean and there was a park.

Somebody, I walked into a store, small one to get like a t-shirt that I saw in the window.

Hello, hello, hello.

Nobody's in there.

Store is open, right?

There's the till, there's everything.

Hello, hello.

And then after like 30 seconds of waiting, somebody walks in who was the store owner,

and she had been out to get like a coffee or something.

Interesting.

Just left it open.

And because if you steal a bike or do that, they'll kill you.

Yeah, right.

It's just like, but you can't wrap your head around it.

Like, what?

But also, I mean, what a nice, pleasant way to live where you can just leave your bike.

You don't have to lock it up.

You don't have two locks.

You don't have to get two kryptonites attached to each other.

That was my biggest problem coming back from China: where, like, seeing some freedoms they had that we definitely don't have.

Some nice things that, like, you could buy a beer at 3 a.m.

and walk and drink it and not even try to hide it.

It's fine.

Yeah, and I never felt unsafe ever.

And I was like all over the place.

They told me when I got there, and it was like, it's so foreign, so it's so like scary.

And they were like, hey, there's zero violent crime here.

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh, all right, I'm out.

What are there, like 20 million people there?

It's crazy.

But yeah, I mean, it's just

like a Zara, you know, and then McDonald's.

And then three blocks over, it's like just rural and some guy sweeping with like a palm leaf broom, like like being put to work, you know.

Did you have any of that liquor, that like gasoline liquor that they

or something like that?

Oh, was that it?

Yeah, the white clear.

It was like uh moonshine, like Everclear.

Is that the most drank liquor in the world?

Is it like very

liquor?

Man, it is it is

potent and will make you blind.

And you can see you see people just passed out, you know.

Um,

no, Baijiao, Baijiao, you're right.

Yeah, that's it.

But they make it also,

they'll just distill it.

They'll make it themselves, like prison liquor.

Did you know about the

gutter oil?

No.

Gutter oil?

They told me what it...

They drop buckets down into the gutters and sewers and bring up whatever and then render that down.

And then that's the oil they would use to make your street noodles.

No.

Yeah.

And they said something like 20% of street noodles are made with it.

No.

They were trying to crack that when I was there.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I'm glad I didn't know that.

I had a lot of good food.

That was another thing.

Yeah.

And

squab, which is pigeon, is one of their big street foods.

And they charcoal, grill, you know, like we have the halal carts.

Like they have the squab.

And it's really good.

Squab is a par whoa.

Yeah, so there's a lot of squab.

Oh.

It was really good.

I mean, I had it a couple of times in different places and they just you get it on a stick and it's fucking tasty.

Damn, you're bent places.

All All right, all right, hold on.

We're fucked.

We've got to get to Turkey.

We got so much time, Ari.

Right.

Fair enough.

What were you doing?

I'd like to talk about Spokane first.

When did you go to Turkey?

We could also just talk about China, too.

Or we could do another episode.

Next time you come back.

Next time you got another thing.

All right.

I went to Turkey in.

Season four of Umbrella Academy is out now.

I should do inserts, but this one's one's going to air quickly.

So, what a fucking fun show.

David Cross is on it.

And just binge it right now.

And you left off.

So you saw the end of season three.

Yeah.

It felt like it wrapped up, but they were definitely still like, oh, are they just going to stay here or not?

But they don't have their superpowers.

Right.

Which is what they kind of wanted, which is what they wanted.

And then, and the

title of the first episode of season four is, I'm paraphrasing it, but it's pretty close.

It's like the unbearable tragedy of getting what you wanted, or something like that.

Because they don't, they didn't want their

powers, and then it's like, oh, well.

And then I'm

afraid they're going to have to get them.

That was it.

Was that the Simpsons episode where they keep trying to rearrange the past?

And then he comes back and he was like, everything's perfect.

One of the Halloweens.

And then there's like,

there's like single ply toilet paper only.

It's like, nope, change it.

Come back.

That's funny.

Anyway, watch the show.

I'll do another thing at the insert.

And David Cross has also got a fucking great podcast that I've.

It's called Senses Working Over Time.

Thank you, Ari.

You're welcome.

Have you heard it?

No.

Okay.

But I'm friends with Sean Patton, and

he's always taking the praise.

Well, I'm going out on tour with Sean again.

Really?

I went out with him last tour.

He's

just the absolute best opener you could ever ask for.

Energy.

He's a great hang, great guy to tour with.

Top five drinkers in America.

Oh, yeah.

And also in a way that it doesn't bury you.

He'll make you keep going.

No, no, he's great.

But doesn't make you throw up the next day from hanging out with him.

Some drinkers are just like, oh, I shouldn't have kept up with you.

Sean is just like, it's a fun time.

Yeah, totally.

But also great.

comic and great energy to open the show.

So we'll be, and that tour, when is this airing?

Or coming out?

Soon.

Can you say air?

Is that correct?

No, I guess not, right?

It's like when you tape a special, and all the young kids are like, what does that mean, Charity?

Yeah.

Tape a special.

Why are you tape?

What tape?

That's when you say stuff like

Netflix or UHF?

Did I explain to someone UHF was?

I'm like, there was just a second dial.

I don't know why the first dial didn't go to 80.

Yeah, there were weird shows.

What was I going to say?

Oh, yeah.

So

when is this coming out?

Soon.

Okay.

We'll try to dim it around the first or second season.

Week.

I'll say.

So the name of the tour is The End of the Beginning of the End.

It'll be out with Sean Patton.

Go to official DavidCross.com.

That'll have all the cities.

It'll be here, Canada, and Europe.

Nice.

Yep.

But not Turkey.

Where you got any weird spots in Europe?

But let's go to Turkey.

Let's do Turkey.

Okay.

Where'd you go?

Why'd you go?

When'd you go?

What were you hoping for?

Tell me about it.

I think I'm going to say it was definitely after Mr.

Show.

So that would have been after 98.

I would have I'm going to say it was probably 99

give or take a year.

Okay.

And

how old were you during Mr.

Show?

I was 30.

When did Mr.

Show start?

95?

I think?

Five, six.

I caught it later.

I caught it.

So I would have been 31 through 35.

Okay.

And right.

Okay.

Yeah, it makes sense.

I think.

I'm pretty sure Mr.

Show was 95 through 98.

Can I break in for a second?

Because when you were coming in, I wasn't even thinking about Mr.

Show.

But like, there's a few moments in this pretty horrible industry of Hollywood where it's just been nailed.

And that was definitely one of them.

Oh, well, thank you.

Yeah, that was fun.

And some of that shit, I haven't, you know, people are more familiar with it than I am.

Yeah.

Just because I haven't seen it in a long, I haven't really watched it.

I watched some, actually, I watched some, like, three or four episodes before we were getting ready to write with Bob and David, which is something which is, we did four sketch shows for Netflix back in

whatever it was, mid-aughts, something like that.

Late aught.

I don't know.

But I really haven't seen it.

I can remember 99% of it, but

it still holds up.

Yeah, Duncan,

I didn't have cable growing up, so then Duncan Trussell showed it to me in like 2003 or something.

And it was like, what the fuck?

And everyone's everyone's like trying to talk to everybody.

It was like, it's over, man.

We

all

moved on.

Yeah.

But anyway, so anyway, so you went to Turkey then during that.

Yeah, and initially, I had a friend who had gone

and spent some time in Turkey and I think pretty much did

there there's something called the the

Fertile Crescent or something like that, and it's a it's a trip you can take that that uh is the same

that you know the the traders the spice traders would would go which would take you through I'm guessing

I'm guessing

like Georgia and Armenia and I I don't remember what it is or down maybe down to Israel maybe that was it Turkey damn it's way bigger than Syria

It's about the size of like two and a half pigs in a blanket

on your map.

That's about right.

Yeah.

Like the Trader Joe's pigs in a blanket.

Trader Joe's kind of, yeah.

Not those crazy big

things they have at state fairs.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

It's upsetting.

That's just a hot dog.

Just a fully wrapped hot dog.

Come on, guys.

And you know what?

I really don't

the bagel hot dog is

it ruins two things that I like.

I like a good bagel and I like a hot dog, but a bagel hot dog, it's too dense.

You're not.

What's the point?

I'd rather have a pig in a a blanket.

Eat a bagel than eat a hot dog.

Wash down a hot dog with a bagel.

Sure.

Yeah.

Or take a bite of a bagel.

Go to a hot dog?

And take a bite of the hot dog.

It's your choice.

You move at your own pace, the way you do it.

Yeah, I don't need to mash the two up.

It's not,

I don't appreciate it.

Everybody, quick break from the episode to tell you about David Cross's tour coming up.

It's the beginning of the end of the beginning.

No, the end of the beginning of the end tour.

David Cross.

When i started i will tell you this when i started stand-up comedy i went to go see not him but he was on a show at larger it was like the alternative show of the week uh larger i went a couple times and and i and it's just like

he he was like an influential comic on me watching the ease he had that whole alt scene it got fucking soured but that whole alt scene was really fucking cool back then in la

they were like doing this this different thing it was real natural eventually the mainstream kind of swallowed it up.

They took what they what they used,

kind of like China with American business when they were there.

And then and then we were like, no more use for you, alt.

And alt wanted to be so different that eventually it just morphed into this other thing.

It got weird.

But David Cross was always fucking great.

Coming in with like nine, whatever.

He was awesome.

And he's on tour right now.

The beginning of the end.

Wait, the beginning of the middle of the end tour.

The beginning of the middle.

The beginning of

the middle of the end tour.

What is it?

Beginning of the

end of the beginning of the end tour.

That's it.

End of the beginning of the end tour.

Nice, sorry.

Way to be a professional.

Get tickets right now at officialdavicross.com starting at the end of August in New Orleans.

I assume Sean Patton will be there for that one.

Seattle, Washington, September.

Olympia, Washington, Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon, Arcata, California, Sacramento, Oakland, San Diego, L.A., Phoenix, Houston.

God damn, he's torn a lot.

It's all still September.

Dallas, Austin,

San Antonio, OKC, Denver, Salt Lake City, Madison, Minneapolis, St.

Louis, Lawrence, Carborough, North Carolina.

I've never heard of that place.

Atlanta, Charleston, Asheville, Nashville, Indianapolis, Lexington, Ann Arbor, Columbus, Toronto, Chicago.

Damn, we're just now in November.

Washington,

Kent, Ohio, Portland, Portland, Maine.

Okay.

Albany, Boston, Glenside,

Pennsylvania, Munhall, Buffalo, Ithaca, Charlottesville, Roanoke, more.

I can't keep reading this.

Charlotte, Chattanooga, Boise.

God damn.

Oh, I'm almost done.

Boise, Airway, Heights, Washington, Missoula, Montana.

I might be most jealous of that one.

It was December, so I'm not jealous.

Also, got to see David Cross in the new season of the Umbrella Academy.

It's on right now.

on Netflix.

The Umbrella Academy.

Dude, I watch this show.

And

when he was like, I'm in it, I was like, wait, what?

And he goes, do you watch it?

I'm like, yeah, I've seen every fucking episode.

I like sci-fi sometimes.

I got into that show.

It was fucking great.

I didn't know they were going to do another season.

And he's on it.

Three minutes.

Let's wrap this up.

Let's get back to the episode about Turkey.

Yeah, he's on it.

I was like, what's your part?

And he goes, you watch the show?

And I'm like, yeah.

And he's enough of a fucking sci-fi nerd.

He's enough of a fucking sci-fi nerd to have the class.

David Cross has class.

and I'm like, what's your part on there?

And he goes, you watch the show?

I'm like, yeah.

He goes, well, then I'm not going to tell you.

And I was like, oh, yeah.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

I'm going to watch it.

Yeah.

Imagine if you're like, oh, you were on the wire?

Where were you?

I'm like, I'm the one who shot Omar.

I'm about to.

I'm about to start watching the wire.

What's your part?

I'm the one who shot Omar.

Like, what?

Omar got shot?

Umbrella Academy season four on Netflix right now.

It just came out.

That's it.

Let's get back to the episode.

This is a fucking good one on Turkey.

We'll do the outro.

By the way, subscribe right now wherever you're watching or listening.

Subscribe right now.

I'm getting up closer and closer to my goal of 100,000 subscribers on YouTube and on Spotify and fucking number three in the rankings behind Tucker Carlson and Joe Rogan.

Click subscribe right now.

And fuck all that.

Let's get back to the episode about turkey.

This is a fucking good one.

All right, David, David, more about Turkey.

Go.

And so I got one of those lonely planet guides to,

you know, the Turkey and Syria and Egypt.

I mean, you end up in Egypt.

And I had, I knew I had a month.

Wow, a month.

Yeah, that's fucking great.

This is pure vacation?

Yes, yes.

Wow.

And the more I read about Turkey in this book, the more I was like, fuck these other places.

When I travel, I'm really a strong proponent of,

I'm not trying to hit 10 places in 10 days.

I would rather hit three places and get

three plus days in each.

So I can figure it out.

Minimum.

If you're in a coffee shop, you want to go back.

If you find like a cool place.

You're going to go to the cool section or the artsy section or whatever, but you're only going to see one-tenth of one percent of the city and you're not going to get a feel for it or the place um

and you know unless it's like palm springs and then i just need a like ten minutes i can get out of there but uh

uh

so the more i was reading about the more i was like oh i'll just go i'm gonna stay in turkey and i'll go to istanbul for a couple days whatever it ended up being like three or four days and i'll rent a car and i'm gonna go to all these places on my list and end up back in Istanbul.

And I,

at the time,

everybody was saying stay away from eastern Turkey.

It's one of the most dangerous places in the world.

So that cut off a good towards Armenia.

Yeah, that cut off, you know, a good third, if not half, of where I would be going, right?

Okay.

So

now you're talking about roughly a country the size of Poland or perhaps one and a quarter uh pigs pig in a blanket.

And which is much more doable.

So and Istanbul is uh uh the whole place was amazing.

It was one of the best trips I've ever taken anywhere.

And uh and then my other rule was to

not really have a rule, which is i I ha or have an itinerary.

I I had my itinerary.

I want to go to Cappadocia.

I want to go to

Uzbek?

Not Uzbek.

Let me look at it.

Can I look on the map?

Yeah.

Alright, where it's where it's

so

I went.

Should I just put in Cappadocia?

Yeah.

With a C.

There it is.

Maybe it doesn't go back.

There you go.

Turkey.

Whoa.

Where do you see it?

I see pictures here.

Cappadocia is fucking awesome and beautiful and crazy natural.

So I went.

How'd you hear about it?

It was just from the book.

From the lonely planet.

So you didn't know anything about it before.

Nothing.

And I was reading the book, which was specific to

the Fertile Crescent, which was Turkey, Syria, Lebanon.

Yeah.

Down into

Israel and Egypt.

Oh, there you go.

Wow.

So those are all.

and it's a tiny town.

That's pretty much it.

But there's.

They got like houses built into these mountains like that.

Yeah, I stayed in.

I stayed in, and it was insanely cheap.

What?

Like, how much?

Oh, man.

The whole trip was ridiculously cheap.

The food, and somebody said when I was there that Turkey at the time was only one of seven countries that produces more food than they consume.

So the food is plentiful, and it's all

over the map.

So

when you're

in the north and you're on the yeah, that's just god damn.

And I stayed in a place that was built in what?

Yeah, it's really cool.

Really, really cool.

Is there something to like, you know, how like

whatever you were raised with, you're like, I can't explain why this is good, but I just like, I like it.

As an American, you'd be in another country and you're like, oh, it's an American style thing.

When you're a Jew and then you're like, look, you're doing well, but there's still like, how much was it?

Well,

you're like, nice.

You know, I still am frugal and I don't like wasting anything.

So I ended up staying there.

That was the first place where I was initially going to be there for like a day or two days.

I'm like, I'm staying for a couple days because it was really, really cool.

Can you just make a decision on the fly?

Like, yes, I had no idea.

Was it just you?

It was just me.

Wow.

So I knew I was flying into Istanbul, and I had a little

shitty hotel

that I booked online.

It was kind of early online booking, too, you know, and so you don't know what.

And I get the best part.

So I knew I was arriving in Istanbul, and I had a departure date out of the airport.

And everything else was fine.

I had a room for three days because I knew I wanted to start off in Istanbul and walk around.

It's huge, man.

Istanbul.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And just that right airport to a Hama.

It was like an hour

to get there.

It's uh

so outside of that, I could I was on my own itinerary.

Yeah, there you go.

There's the chimney bureau,

whatever you're saying.

Wow.

Um,

yeah, it's beautiful.

It's it's just crazy beautiful.

Um

and

so I booked it online, and I'm I'm I can be cheap.

I don't need I don't need fancy stuff, right?

Yeah.

Um

And

I,

the, the

hotel that I got was,

I wouldn't say it was like a bait and switch scam, but I clearly, it was early internet, and they just,

I, I was still a sucker, almost like with real estate, like, wow, this looks like a nice place with a fisheye lens and it's looking out of half of the window, which is looking out on this beautiful whatever, and you can see the ISOFIA in the background.

It's just like this corner of a room.

It's like, okay, pretty clean.

And I get a, it's transportation.

They pick you up at the, which I don't speak the language.

It's great.

It's going to be a long trip.

I'm going to be fucking,

what do you call it?

Jet lagged and drunk and whatever, whatever.

Yeah, I'll free transport.

That does rule about other countries, but like, we'll get you from the airport.

Yeah.

Really?

I wouldn't do that by a friend.

Yeah.

Well,

you know, it was part of the package.

So then I get there, there's a,

and I get through customs, and I, I don't have a ton of luggage, you know, and I got my stuff.

And there's a kid, I want to say he's about, I'm going to say 17, 18.

Signed with my name on it, just handwritten on a piece of paper.

I'm like, oh, hey,

and he speaks a little English, and I had I had like tried to learn, I don't know,

10 words and four phrases, whatever it was.

And we go to his car, and it's his

car, and it's it's a shitty.

And we had to like move stuff.

There's no room in the trunk, or my stuff goes in the back seat.

I sit next to him, and we're moving stuff off of that seat, and there's, and the ashtrays are overflowing, full.

There's like an AM radio that's stuck, and it's a manual transmission.

And he's just, he's this kid, and he's chain smoking, and

so that's the beginning.

And then I get to the hotel, and it's

the size, I don't want to say it's bigger than, but it was probably as big as a.

Have you ever seen a

female mouse, the clitoris?

The clitoris?

I closed my eyes and licked one, but I've never looked.

Yeah, so it was slightly bigger than that.

And

then

at,

I want to say four in the morning, I'm jet lagged.

This is at night.

And

I mean, I'm all fucked up.

And about four something in the morning,

right outside my window, which is open,

the call to prayer is going off of a tinny radio shack type of speaker.

Loudspeaker.

Yeah, like literally like on the two buildings next.

And I'm, what?

What the fuck?

And it was jarring and scary.

And then it's like, oh, don't worry.

They'll do that four more times.

You're like, why is this in the listing?

That's when you need an Airbnb.

Like, just so you know, you must be up by four.

Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

And then,

and then I did something.

They put a Dutch guy when I was in Myanmar in jail.

He was in jail, serving a six-month, but they let him out after a month, but serving a six-month sentence for unplugging one by his hotel room.

It was for like a Buddhist, yeah.

And he was like, I didn't know, like, you 100% knew, you were tired, we've all been there, you should have just taken it.

That's true, of course.

He knew

what did you think it was you were unplugging outside.

So he got up out of bed, went outside, fuck this.

That's pretty funny.

But yeah, I

so I spent a lot of time.

Was Istanbul, were you scared there?

No, the only there were two

moments I had that were uncomfortable.

And one,

and this is not like me.

I'm not claustrophobic at all.

I'm not,

I mean, I usually will dive right into this kind of thing setting, but I wanted to go to the

crazy big, you know, market, the

Incident Bull.

It's famous.

The,

you know, what's it called?

The.

You know what it is.

It's the Grand Bazaar.

Grand Bazaar.

Grand Bazaar.

So

thank you, Internet.

So it's all under, it's all

under.

I'm telling you, the produce is crazy, man.

The food was cheap and great and, like, super fresh.

So

the Grand Bazaar is all...

It's like the stuff you see in those

movies in the 40s and 50s, right?

So see that, right?

This one?

Yeah.

But there's no...

Everything.

So it's that times

100.

And you kind of enter, and there's no air.

There's no...

You're not seeing light.

All those things are covered.

Some of them are tarped over with rugs and blankets and stuff.

And that is not what it looks like.

That is nothing.

That looks like Pike's Place Market in Seattle, right?

Okay.

This was

a pre-lower ceiling.

Because that's probably an entrance.

And then you go into these other, like, go to.

Yeah, that's a little bit more

indicative.

Not that one.

Go to.

I want to see.

Because it's.

Like, go to this one right here.

Nice though.

Yep.

Okay, so see how these are covered?

Yeah.

So once you get out,

imagine there's no sun and there's no, and I got lost.

And it's huge.

I mean, it's blocks and blocks and blocks long.

It looks like it just curves in places, too.

Yes, it does.

And once you get outside of the kind of what looks like Grand Central, kind of,

which is beautiful.

All that stuff is beautiful.

But you get into where it's really dense.

It's packed.

You don't know where you're going.

And it does curve and there's no signs.

There's no like exit this way.

Right, right, right.

And everyone is, and I mean every single person is,

you know, hassling you.

Like, going, and they're trying to guess what language you speak, right?

So they'll go through everything.

You know, they'll start with French, then they'll do like Hebrew, and then they're like English and Spanish.

And, you know,

it is a great way to get people to just say, hey, buddy.

And you're like, they gotcha.

Well, I mean, I learned quickly, you know, just to shake it off.

But they're all,

and that's throughout Turkey as well.

Like, people are always trying to sell you stuff.

That's fine.

That's part of travel.

But

in this place when I couldn't get out and I wanted to get out, and after like

five minutes became 10 minutes, became 20 minutes.

I'm like, get me the fuck out of here.

And it was, I've never really experienced that before, but it was really kind of claustrophobic.

And

I get that kind of anxiety feeling now

because it was, I just want it out.

Get me the fuck out.

I'll, you know,

and you don't even give a sign.

There's no, and you don't want to engage in anybody because they'll, like,

ask your question and

make

some chai, and then you, the next thing you know.

Did you buy anything at the bazaars?

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I didn't buy anything there, but I bought four rugs.

Was it a haggling system or was it a

it's totally

totally haggling, but man, they see you coming they see me coming and they

you know i'm i'm sure

they started at double what they would normally do and then got down to where i thought i was walking away like hey i got i got it half off and it's like no you got it actually for twice as much

they're like oh you're fucked and then and then they're so good at it though they're so good there was one guy i'm i went to college that's got nothing to do with this bro you're fucked there was one guy who uh

I had already bought

two rugs, one for me and one for my mom.

Yeah.

Should I get one for your head?

And

I don't get it.

Oh, right.

Yeah, because of the, yeah.

Wait, wait, no, maybe not.

So a lot of times when you come into a home, you need a place to wipe your feet off.

Right.

So, like, you can get one for your head, too, so you can wipe your head off.

Rug for your head.

In case it's r it's raining outside or something.

So you would suspend it.

Yeah, you suspend it.

And then it'd be on a pulley system, depending on how tall or short the person was.

Get it, and you walk right through it.

Huh?

Yeah.

What?

Okay.

No, I'm just picturing it.

Where'd you grow?

You grew up in the East Coast.

Well, more New York, I guess, than.

No, I grew up in Atlanta.

Oh, that's why.

That's why, because we didn't have that.

We didn't have that rugs.

Yeah.

Where I came from.

All right.

So,

what are we talking about?

Sorry.

Haggling or whatever.

No, the guy was, I was like, I'm not going to buy it.

Listen, he's like, just come in and have a cup of tea.

Oh, that's all I gotcha.

That tea, man.

And I was like, well,

I did want a cup of tea.

So I was like, okay, but I'm telling you, I'm not buying a rug.

Okay, it's fine.

I don't want you to buy it.

And we're talking, talking, and, you know, cut to 30 minutes later, and I'm walking out with a, you know, $500 rug.

It's beautiful.

I still have it.

I still have it.

Oh, yeah.

It is in my office as we speak.

And I gave my mom a rug, and I have one of them's upstate.

One of them's.

Oh, one thing.

Here's an.

I'm going to be all over.

Go for it.

Yeah.

Completely digressing.

Kind of just imagine this as if you just got home from here and you're just telling your friend about it.

Yeah.

You know?

Look at the blue one.

See the blue one?

I have that, but in red.

Like, I have a beautiful.

That's the one the guy sold me where he's like,

but imagine like a really red.

Um

and uh twelve hundred bucks

yeah they're not cheap, but um

uh

what was I gonna say?

The rug no, what was it?

Oh yeah, so I went to in one of my little uh side trips um

I ended up at this uh

rug this place where all these women make the rugs custom they're all handmade and the guy's kind of walking me through and you know, and they're basically wanting to sell you a rug later when you're done.

But

it was it was it was interesting for

you know 20 minutes or so to like see the process and all that stuff.

And they're all these women.

Everybody's nice.

And

he points out the rug and he goes, and every one of every one of these rugs and these women, they

you'll see this.

And he points this thing out where it's a piece of material or the thread or the

cross stitch or something that is

purposely

a mistake, not right.

It doesn't fit.

It doesn't.

And

I said, oh, why do you do that?

And he's definitely like showing me this for a reason.

And I asked the obvious question, oh, well, what's that about?

Why do you do that?

He goes, because only God

can make something perfect and of course i was like well no you could do that but you chose not to

are you saying that god refus he doesn't want us to he wants to be the only thing that makes something perfect so that this isn't making any sense to me sir

It was the weirdest logic.

And he said it with that kind of rabbinical kind of like a little

smiley eyes, like, because

only God

can make something perfect.

You're like, that's not true, though.

You could have done it.

You've intentionally made.

If you didn't do that, it would.

And can I have a perfect one, please?

Can I have one without the mistake?

Yeah, it's not only God's allowed to make something perfect.

It's just a weird, strange logic, but

I don't know.

Yeah, that's funny.

Now, this rug here is very nice.

This seems very.

This is probably a Wayfair I got in exchange for a child.

Are they still doing that?

No, they stopped after

fucking bite.

Did you believe that?

I actually did a bit

talking about that, but

not enough people knew what I was talking about.

But that was a thing for like a hot week.

Yeah, Wayfair is transporting children in their

in their cabinetry.

And if you go online, they're all, it's like the pizza hidden color.

It was like Comet Pizza, where it's all like, I want a pepperoni pizza.

Oh, I want to, that means I want a 12-year-old to suck my dick.

And Wayfair,

somebody somewhere, and people bought it.

People believed it.

It's the craziest thing.

I love a QAnon because it really is just like, let's make up stuff and see if we can go.

You know what it reminds me of?

It reminds me of the Batman TV show

where they would feed a question into the, whatever they call the batometer or whatever, Batman and Robin would be down in their lab, right?

On the TV show.

And be like, what does the riddler mean by this?

And they'd put it into the

machine, and it would spit something out.

And then

Batman

would make a, would come to the conclusion and figure out the riddle or figure out what the Joker was going to do in these like seven or eight steps that

had tenuous connections at best.

And it wrote QAnon and all that kind of crazy shit reminds me of the Batman, you know, like, let's put it into the batometer.

And it was like.

We need a left-wing QAnon.

We need just the wild idea stuff on both sides.

So it will bring everybody together.

I mean, it just,

I wish.

I passed a Wayfair

factory.

And you immediately go to it.

Did you hear screaming?

Yeah, it's like, that's where they are.

What does that?

I want more Cheetos.

My favorite was the guy who went with the shotgun to the pizza place.

That poor motherfucker.

That's doing the right thing.

Yeah.

And then he immediately knew.

He came in

and

they're like, we don't have a basement.

They didn't even have a basement.

He's like,

oh.

Yeah.

And he knew.

He had driven up from North Carolina, I believe.

you're right.

You're absolutely right.

He was saving, he was going to go save children.

Yeah.

I mean, if they're not going to do it, if the police aren't going to do anything about this,

you've got to step up for what you believe in.

And children's safety is what I believe in.

And then, of course, and then just that poor motherfucker, just like, oh, why can't he sue somebody?

You know, and

just for the gas money alone.

Yes.

And he kept all his receipts.

This is from a Bucky's, and I got a chopped brisket sandwich and some boiled peanuts.

And I'd like the state to cover this, please.

And that crazy idea of like, oh, it's all code.

Yeah.

You know, if you order a mushroom pizza with extra cheese.

And the Wayfair thing, that somebody, some mentally ill person figured out the code on the online,

and maybe they were looking for like an end table, and then they stumbled upon an international child sex

ring because of the SKU number.

At pretty relatively affordable furniture that ships.

How?

How did it happen?

And why Wayfair and not Target or anything else?

How the fuck did it happen?

I don't know if it's if it's, we're going to get back to the Target camp, but I don't know if it's a mentally ill person or someone who's like, hey, there's mentally ill people out there and we can just exploit them.

They'll spread our dumb fucking thing.

No, I think it's the

former.

Yeah.

I think it was somebody who saw it, who read the tea leaves, as it were.

That's why I never said about God, where they're like, it's a sign.

I'm like, you know what's a better sign?

A sign.

Just like God exists.

Just have him take a fucking rental space out.

Why make leaves turn into a Jewish star?

And be like, see?

Yeah.

Like, that's how he, that's, he's, he's very, uh, very tricky that way.

Yeah, like, early movie ghost.

On the side of a bank in Clearwater, Florida.

I'm going to make

some streaks look like the Virgin Mary.

Yeah, yeah.

And that'll show you that you should.

I'm going to put my only son's image on a tortilla in

Costa Rica.

Yeah, just give us a real sign.

Yeah, just come.

Come down.

Just come on down.

You're God.

Hi.

You're all hearing this.

Okay, let's go back to Turkey.

So this is pretty fucking cool.

So you stayed in Istanbul for a few days.

I stayed in Istanbul for a few days.

And

my first night or second night there, I did something I've never,

I think I just wasn't in the right mind.

I'm too much of a pussy for this kind of thing.

But I was at this bar.

They have bars.

Yeah, they have bars, yeah.

And I mean, it wasn't like an American bar.

It was just like kind of a

shitty, you go downstairs, this place I was at.

And the local beer is Effes, E-F-F-E-S.

Yeah.

And it's like a little, you know,

Pilsner.

Yeah.

And

the local ship beer.

Yeah.

And I, so I was just drinking a bunch of those, and there's like this

older guy and a younger guy behind this.

Yeah, that's it.

Barely a bar and with shitty music.

And I'm just drinking because I'm in that headspace.

And I drink, and I don't know the exchange rate yet.

I haven't really mastered any of this stuff.

This is probably my first night, I'm guessing,

shortly before,

you know, the call to prayer woke me up.

But

I had probably like three drinks there and

paid.

And then went somewhere else and got a beer maybe outside and whatever.

Realized

when I paid for the second drink somewhere else, you know, around the corner, whatever, block away or whatever,

that

they had overcharged me by an extraordinary amount of money.

And

I was in the exact right headspace to go, fuck that, and to go back.

You weren't scared like foreign country don't know the rules.

I should have been.

That's what I'm saying.

I should have been.

But I think it was a combination of jet lag, drinking, the energy you get from being in a foreign place.

I don't know.

This is not like me.

It really isn't.

And I like marched back there, went up to the guy.

I was like, I want my money, or something like that.

And he opened up the thing and he had it all in one thing, and he just gave it to me.

And I walked out.

It was the weirdest.

That could have gone south so many different different ways.

And I don't know.

That is not a thing that I would normally.

Was he like, I'm aware I overcharged you, or was he like, oh, yeah.

He literally, he had the money that I had given him in one place.

It wasn't like he went to a till and he took a 20 and a 20 and 20 and a 5 and a 2.

You know, he had the money that I gave him.

I'm guessing in case I came back, and maybe they do this all the time, I don't know.

And he goes, he just opened the thing and just handed it to me.

And

I just took it and I walked out.

That's right.

Yeah, it was

so not like me.

Ballsy.

I'm telling you, right now, I wouldn't do it.

Or if I did, I'd be like, hey,

hi.

I was in here earlier.

And I think I misunderstood.

Math is different where I live.

And

so

my whole, that's crazy.

I'm always worried that they're going to call the cops, and the cops are always going to take the side of the local.

Yeah, of course.

And then they'll just arrest me for asking.

Or the guy would just laugh in my face.

You know,

prove it.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I don't know.

And it could not have ended any better.

The guy just literally had it all there, opened the thing, handed it to me.

No, but it didn't say I'm sorry or anything, and I just took it and left.

Wow.

Very strange.

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What kind of food do you eat out there?

Was it

crazy different or was it American style?

Tennessee fried chicken,

McRonald's,

Burger Prince,

Pizzatown.

No, I had lots and lots of Mediterranean-type, you know, tomato, feta, cucumber, onion salad, a lot of that, a lot of lentil, um, the lentil soup with lemon that that you can uh there was a place that was in the guide book too that was right near my hotel and they're like, it's got the best something.

It was just like a,

you know, uh, those pre-internet days are so fucking cool because it's

everyone obsessing the same thing all the time.

It is that book, but like, you gotta buy it.

Yeah, but I had it, and I carry it with me, and it was not my phone, and it was, uh, you know, um,

and I had a camera, too, so I didn't have, you know, because there was no

phone camera or whatever.

Um, and

so I went to this place, and it was very good.

It was a cheap, like, I don't know, diner-type swarm of, you know, Turkish food.

Really good.

And then, depending on what region you were in, if you were by the

Mediterranean,

a lot of

fish and mussels,

on the side of the road, there'd be these guys with these big kind of

like woks almost, like barrel kettle things.

And

yeah, basically like a large wok.

And

deep-fried mussels on a skewer for like 30 cents.

And you get like six of them with this little kind of creamy mayonnaise type dipping thing.

Right on the side of row, and they were fucking delicious, fresh, you know.

And then if you were like closer to the mountains, you'd have a lot of goat.

There was a lot of goat.

And

you go for it.

You're just like, I'll try everything.

I tried everything.

I was in Ismir,

and I had

not tripe.

It's something

it's something that I took

on my second bite.

I just spit it out and threw it in the trash.

It was a street food that is like stomach lining.

I can't remember the name of it.

Yeah.

It's very unctuous.

Like when you bite into it, like if you like it, you're going to really like it.

But it's also chewy and not my thing at all.

I went to China and I got those skewers and it was like, it was 10 cents each, 15 cents each, whatever.

One was lamb, one was beef, one was something.

And I, it's like, nope, and just chuck.

Yeah.

But as soon as you buy it, like, uh-uh.

Oh, dude, I got this thing that was, I think, they, in the book, they were like, you know, and if you're up for it, try the something.

And I

got it, and I like struggled with the first bite, and then I just took that second bite.

I was like, no, I just spit it out and threw it,

threw it in the thing.

But other than that, everything was fucking great.

Really good food.

And, you know, as I said, it was on on no

itinerary.

So,

oh, the other thing is when I rented a car online again,

I made sure to get a

car with a

CD player.

I brought some CDs.

Brought CDs there?

Yeah.

I am.

And.

Trips must have been.

Yeah, go ahead.

And then.

writing a question down that I'm not gonna forget.

Okay.

And then, um, and to, and I wanted uh, you know, uh, automatic transmission.

And I go

to the place, and it, uh,

the radio is broken, and uh, it's a manual.

And I'm like, I'm not driving through the streets of fucking Istanbul in a stick shift that I

haven't driven one of those.

And and I just sat there, and I was by this little hippodrome area.

I remember sitting there and I was smoking,

and I just sat, yeah, and I just sat on the

looked at the car, at the keys, and I was just looking at it

in the middle of this dense, crazy,

you know, no rhyme or reason to the traffic, and knowing I had to get out of there.

I just sat and I had a couple cigarettes and stared at that car, and then I was like,

okay,

here we go.

You're just doing it.

And I just, I just got in, lurching my way, you know, honking whatever.

Ended up going

the wrong way up.

I was still in town.

I had gotten probably, you know, out of the crazy dense part, but it was still dense.

And then I got

up, started going up this, you know, where like chickens are running in the street, that kind of thing.

And everybody's running out, going like this, you know.

And it's like babushka type women, right?

And I'm going the wrong way on a one-way thing up this

area.

And I had to figure out like a, it was like a nine-point turn to get back.

With stick.

On a hill.

With stick on a hill.

Yeah.

With people right, you know,

like kids running around.

It was.

I'm just sweating, barrels.

It was.

And then I ended up.

I did it.

I got out.

I got onto

a highway finally.

It took a while.

And then I drove.

Can you show me the map?

Because I don't know if

Ankara was the first.

I was going to be in Ankara or Ankara, I can't remember how to pronounce it,

for two or three nights.

That's what your plan was.

Yeah.

Yeah, because then I think I went down to Cappadocia from there.

So, okay, so that was the first drive, and it was by the time I got in, it was night and it was raining,

which also makes

a city not quite as, you know, attractive or interesting.

Yeah, you really should come into cities daytime.

Yeah.

It also feels, well, to me anyway, it feels hella dangerous.

Like, I don't know what this is.

But the second night, you're fine.

Yeah, it's just coming in, and it just, the vibe isn't great.

And I'm, you know, it wasn't, and it was, the driving is not easy.

And

I

got somewhere and I was like

there's like a Hilton.

It's a very it's the capital, but it's also

very

communist era architecture, very kind of Russian bloc looking.

You know, that kind of brutalist

architecture and stuff, a lot of big cement buildings, you know, with whatever.

And

absolutely charmless.

Uh nothing remotely like Istanbul or any place I had been to or was going to go to.

Um

and

and again, like, you know, night and raining and I check into like a Hilton or whatever and uh

and I go to this bar

and

uh it's one of those things where I I was walking I walked for a bit um

and

the fact that it was raining and I didn't find anything that, and I might have been in a super shitty part of town.

You know, I could have been in the, you know, the midtown part of

whatever, but

it was just not.

There was nothing nice about it.

And then,

and I was like, I wanted to get out of the rain.

And then there was a guy, big stocky guy, outside of a doorway of a bar,

you know, my friend, my friend, you know,

and I just stupidly went, I'll drink here, I'll go here.

Go downstairs, it's

a strip club, but not a strip, not a night, like it was more like

not, it wasn't like cheetahs or you know,

one of those type of things.

It wasn't, there was nothing, it was like a bar that had

occasionally a woman would take her topple.

You know what I mean?

It was like that.

It was more like Claremont Lounge.

Queen Voshti.

Say what?

Queen Voshti?

What is that?

That's before Queen Esther, the Purim story.

Haman had another wife, and he was like, hey, my friends are here playing cards.

Shows your pussy.

And she was like,

no.

She's a massive feminist character.

She was like, no.

And they were like,

get out of here.

And then they had to go search for the next.

I only know the reformed version, which is basically just celebrate.

Esther did this.

Yeah.

You know.

That whole story is nuts.

Hey, you know how you hate Jews?

I'm a Jew.

Can you just please not kill them all?

All right.

Way to go, Jews.

Way to survive.

Way to go, Esther.

So, yeah, so this is shitty strip club.

So, and then the guy, and immediately I'm like, oh, I don't want to be here.

And it's Russian.

It's all like, and the guy did that thing that,

and his hand is roughly three times the size of mine.

It's massive, right?

And he's sitting next to me, and I'm like in a booth, a little banquet.

And I'm like, because I don't know what kind of evening I'm in for now, because this all happens in seconds, right?

Coming down, da-da-da, sits me in a booth, da-da-da and then puts his hand on my

thigh, you know, that grip that can hurt too.

And it's also like pressure points, you know, like Crab McGraw kind of stuff where you're like, ah, yeah, I'll get a drink.

And

I ended up, you know, probably,

I don't know, $40 for two beers.

And because you have to tip and you have to, and

he's just sitting next to me with his hand on my leg.

And at some point,

I got out of there.

Nothing happened.

He was strong arming, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Literally.

And

at some point,

it was one of those things that it doesn't, the story, there's no story to it, but the whole time I'm thinking this could end up really badly.

This could end up poorly.

And it didn't.

And eventually I got out of there.

But you know, also you're in this position where you're like, I'm not in control.

Oh, I'm

away from anyone who can hear me.

So far out of control in every way, shape, and form.

I have nothing.

I don't speak the language.

I don't know where the I don't even know anything about Ankara or Ankara.

I don't even know how to pronounce it.

But I ended up leaving the next day.

I woke up.

I was like, fuck this, and then drove to Cappadocia, which is awesome.

And I spent more time than I expected to.

And Cappadocia.

What are we doing on time here?

What time is it?

Oh, shit.

I am going to have to go, but I will come back.

Okay.

And I'll give you some t bullet points so that I don't miss them.

Okay.

Okay.

One is

going to the school and sitting in class, an elementary class, in a rural part of Turkey.

Wow.

To the delight of the kids and to trick the teacher.

It was one of the greatest moments.

What do you mean sitting in class as a student?

As a student in the back, and I want to say they were like first graders, second graders.

It was one of the greatest moments of my life.

Sang a song.

And it's rural.

We're in the middle of, I mean, it's in a, and I've got pictures.

I can send some to a company.

Oh, yeah.

Were they just like, look at this crazy white?

Well,

I'll tell you the whole thing.

Because I got lost.

And I thought I was in this place I was trying to go to, and it turns out I wasn't.

But there were all these kids, and I had some candy or something in my snacks or whatever it was.

And

they were all in school uniform, right?

Again, I've got a picture.

I'll search them out and try to get you one.

Okay, yeah.

And then, you know,

no communication.

And then I, they brought me to their school.

It's a one-room, kind of shacky, you know, cement kind of thing in the middle of this mountain, mountainous region where I

mistakenly got off the road.

I thought I was going to this place, and it was not.

Ended up sitting in the back of the class, and when the teacher, and they're all giggling, they don't speak English.

It was amazing.

It was one of the greatest moments of my life.

I'll tell you more about it.

And then another

tripping on acid with these two crazy kids

who like...

Yeah, I named them Dippy and Trippy.

And

they were like some rich kids who had

were fleeing conscription.

So they were down by the water.

Then I made a rash decision to get on a boat.

I spent three days on a boat with these Australian g uh people.

It was completely rash.

As I was still

under the acid effects the next morning.

Those aftershocks.

And then I will tell you about.

Where was that?

What city?

What did you do?

What did you do?

Acid?

How'd you get the acid?

It was on the coast.

If you go.

How did you get the acid?

They had it.

They had it.

And you were just making friends and then they were like...

Yeah.

Hey, we're weird.

You want to get weird?

Yeah.

And

we ended up going to this place.

It was one of those things where I thought we were in a car going to...

They shot some movie somewhere, middle of the woods.

It was very small.

It was like a, oh, I had rolled my ankle and sprained my ankle the night

before.

Oh, that's a whole other story.

Oh, that was a different boat where they had Rocky.

You know, the

liquor?

You add water to it and it turns cloudy.

Okay.

That was, that's a great story because

that was also miscommunication where

I was

on this boat that I thought was a tour boat, right?

And this marina, this dock, and they have a bunch of them, right?

And it's, and I get on this thing, and it turns out, so there's this captain who looks like Mr.

Clean, but with a big mustache, like fucking

looks as tough, like G.

Gordon Liddy, like tough motherfucker, right?

Big, big, shaved head.

And he's the captain of this boat and his friends are this

husband, wife, and daughter who,

and a, and a friend of theirs who do a musical lounge act.

They sing, right?

And they play, you know, keyboards or whatever.

And I'm sitting on the boat.

I'm sitting on somebody's personal boat.

It's their boat.

It's the guy's boat.

And I think I'm going for a day trip into this.

He's just like, who is this fucking guy?

But he ends up letting me, and I'm super embarrassed, right?

Oh, and the woman, the mom, is cooking food.

And I'm just sitting there like, when does this thing take off?

It was a crazy miscommunication.

But then

they were embraced me, like, let's go out.

Were you looking to go out?

Because the guy spoke a little English.

And

I ended up hanging out with them and eating.

Oh, I got a lot of months.

Oh, and getting...

hammered and swimming.

I think I have some pictures of that too.

But I got fucking, I passed.

I was in the sun and drinking this straight liquor.

I got so many stories.

So I rolled my ankle that night and then had to.

This is all to answer your question where I was

with the acid, which was on the coast, south.

Okay.

And

don't worry about where.

And then in Ismir, I bought hash and thought I was going to be, I thought I was going to die.

I thought I was going to get totally fucking you know not die but like it's crazy that we're like weed hash

because I was I'm in this guy's car and we're driving up and up and up and I'm doing things in the car as we're driving because it's so remote and his friends

don't speak English and they're kind of laughing and making jokes and I'm like I'm gonna get rolled I'm gonna get totally rolled you're laughing at me you're yeah they're laughing at me

they were absolutely laughing at me and I'm outside every time we pass somebody I'm making noise and letting people see me, thinking my paranoid, like, they're going to fucking roll me, get rid of the, you know, beat me unconscious.

I don't know.

And I'm doing stuff.

Like, I'm tapping the side of the car and going, hey, what's up?

You know, whatever.

So people can see me in the car.

Should they need to

tell the police if they inquire?

Notice me.

Notice me.

Exactly.

Wait, so.

Good acid?

Bad acid?

Oh, yeah, it was good.

No, it was good.

It was good.

It was a crazy,

weird night.

I mean, again, there was a little onset of paranoia when we were driving out to this where this set was, that they had shot some movie a long time ago

that still existed.

And it's in the middle of nowhere.

And their friend,

the friend, we were going to visit a friend.

I don't know, like, where the fuck am I going?

But.

Every place to do acid, abandoned the sky.

But the sky, like, you can see the Milky Way clearly.

Like, clearly.

Like,

it's, it was,

I'll never forget that sky.

But that's so fucking bold to take acid with fucking strangers.

Yeah, they were very.

It seemed very safe because their English was pretty good.

And you'd already been there for a week or two?

Oh, yeah.

At this point, I'm probably.

Yeah, a week and a half at least.

Did you at least?

Did you get over any

like is it like a moment for me?

It is anyway, where it's like I'm like, oh, I don't know what to do with the customs.

And a few days in, I don't know what the number is.

And it's just like, I'm a regular here now.

No, I don't, I didn't feel like that really, but I, um, it was more about I got used, excuse me, I got used to being

traveling alone in a foreign country.

Not so much about Turkey per se, but just got comfortable with, I know, I, I know how to do this, I know how to kick ass.

Yeah, And

how were the drives in between cities?

I mean, pretty, you know,

mostly beautiful.

I was in the,

oh, I went to an underground city, too, which was, they built during the Crusades, I guess.

Yeah.

And

that was really cool.

That was in

somewhere outside of within Cappadocia, but I want to say Ugurk, something like that.

And it's amazing what they

were able to figure out.

And

when you're standing in this field and you can see these little things that were

basically

kind of rose up and provided like somebody could sort of stand there and you'd maybe be

eight, nine, ten inches above the ground and you could see, you know, pretty much 360.

And then there'd be s at some point there's some sort of entrance that would, you know, the the guide would point out.

And you'd go down and they had carved out this.

And this is like, this is the bedroom where the, you know, the mayor or the king or whoever it was slept here.

And this is where they would cook and clean.

And they showed like

they had created

what do you call them?

The the the ability to get water, the aqueducts from somewhere that went through.

Uh and then they had these rooms that

were, it was

to trick the soldiers.

So the soldiers would come in, the Christian

soldiers

would

get tricked into coming to this room.

And then they had this big

round stone that they'd roll and trap them in.

And then they had this above part where they would have boiling oil.

Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

But they had this whole underground, and when I say city, it's not a city, it's you know, not

much bigger than this apartment.

You know, I mean, it's a couple of these, you know,

but it was,

you know, they had, and they were like connected.

There were like these little tunnel-y things that you could go through, but you know, there were like a dozen of these type of places, but with like, that's where they cooked, that's where they did their laundry.

Up there is where they would.

Why would they build underground?

Because

they were coming to slaughter them

and and convert them all right via

sword so if it happened it's like you need to convert your i'm just like sure yeah whatever let's just do it sure guys i don't care

the lenny bruce uh you know the lenny bruce bit about uh oh i'd be the first to talk as soon as they got the uh you know they put the the thing up your ass and they're gonna pour molten lead and it was like got no no i got i got everything i'll tell you whatever i'll tell you

did did you booze a lot with whipped locals like that?

I mean, the asset must have been fucking sick.

How long did it last?

I got a bunch of questions about drugs and booze.

I mean, it was a typical, I don't know when we took it, but it would have been, I'm guessing, late afternoon.

Yeah.

Because it definitely went in the evening.

And in the morning, we were definitely...

Coming out of it, but you're still kind of wired, you know, and speedy.

But you also are kind of exhausted because you've been tripping all night.

So, as the

sun was up, and at one point, and I thought these guys were totally full of shit, we were walking along the water, he's like,

Hey, and they talk like this, and hey,

do you hear that, man?

What?

Do you not hear that, man?

No, there's a there's a cat, or there's a kitten.

And I think he's

and they weren't very funny either.

So there was no

there was no like that was one thing that I missed when I was in Turkey was like

there's not a lot of laughter.

There's not a lot of they they're they're they don't get irony that that you know Americans and Western culture traffics in a lot of irony and they didn't get like

sarcastic

yeah and sarcastic stuff like it just

so so these guys I don't know what and and

it turns out there was a fucking kitten in these like really tall reeds that we were walking by, and this guy heard it.

I did not hear it.

I thought he was tripping.

And he goes in, he pulls out this little kitten, which, you know, when you're on acid is also a weird thing.

And it was a little kitten.

And he was saying, oh, yeah, the guy runs the,

you know, whatever, the little place on the water, you know, he threw cats in the thing or whatever.

But yeah, we rescued a little kitten and I was like, hey, I gotta get on this boat.

And they couldn't believe I was gonna do it.

They were like, stay here and trip with us or whatever.

I was like, no, I'm gonna go, you're not gonna like it.

Because they're also like, that's just some guy's boat.

No, no, this is a different, this is a totally different thing.

That was

north.

That was on the.

That was up

by

somewhere up there.

Because then I went down and I...

I had a...

As I said, I had a stick shift and I had rolled my ankle.

So

the clutch was becoming really too unbearable.

And I ended up seeing a sign

for, I think I was going maybe on my way to Ismir, maybe.

And I saw a sign that said, you know, whatever.

Peacock Village, you know, amongst the sea or something you know turn down here and I go down this long twisty twisty long lot of switchbacks I just I ended up I just couldn't you know the pain was too much for this for using the clutch with my

sprained ankle and ended up going down and just pulling up down you know, down this mountain.

And there were peacocks, and that's where I met those two guys and there's all these little things along the the water like

you know like villas but not that fancy and um these guys were in the next one over they had a uh didgeridoo too what they had a didgeridoo the first time i met them they were sitting in this little kind of you know what you might look like a yoga meditation zone you know whatever mats out outside and the guy's playing this didgeridoo hey man

because they were uh they were taught in, I think, in England.

So their English is pretty good.

And they had a Turkish, you know, via England accent when they spoke English.

And

they,

yeah, they didn't want to be conscripted into the army, so they were hiding out down there.

Damn.

And one guy, what time the guy,

Trippy.

Dippy was really

just an airhead kind of guy, but Dippy, or Trippy, at one point was like, you know,

I would want to have a baby man to just

have a child and just feed it acid.

What a beautiful life that would be.

That's almost a verbatim quote.

I was like, yeah, I'm not sure about that, but

spoken like a guy never.

What a beautiful life that would be, yeah?

No.

I think I could see how you see it.

It's not going to go that way.

Yeah.

It's easier said than done.

Not everybody as an adult is cool on that side.

No.

Anyway, so I have much more to say.

Oh, damn.

We can take it up later.

All right.

That sounds like a fucking sick trip.

It was great.

I mean, it was, I've never done anything quite like that.

And I've never traveled that extensively by myself since.

A month gone by yourself with no pre-smartphones, there's no real connection to America.

No, there's no internet.

I mean, there's internet, but not like I was going to a cyber cafe or anything like that.

So there's nothing.

There's no.

I don't even know what the news is back home.

Wow.

And it was nice.

That must have felt really nice.

It was good.

I didn't realize how good I had it.

And also the key was

having a vague itinerary, but not having a stick.

Like I was going to be, I got out of Ankara, like, fuck this place, and spent extra time and

just the ability to be like, nah, or like, actually more.

Yeah.

That's a good travel.

I just knew I had, I was flying into Istanbul and I had a departure date out of, you know, and I, um, and when I went back, I had given myself a couple days and then did all the touristy stuff.

Went to Iosophia, went to the Cisterns,

all cool.

I highly recommend really cool stuff.

Went to the,

not Hamas.

What do you call the.

What?

What do you call the

thing where

it's like a steam shower with terrorists?

Hammam.

Hammam.

Yeah.

It's a Hamas Hammam.

Hammams.

Hammams.

Hamas.

Anyway, I went to the real famous original one.

It's huge.

They have all these side

things and then this big open area in the center and

the light comes down through this glass ceiling.

Some king built it for himself.

Yeah, pretty much.

Dude, that's such a cool difference of travel between like, let me see these amazing things, these cisterns, and also like, let me do some drugs with some locals.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's just like, they're both, one gets you moving, and the other is like, that's what you're there for.

Yeah, I mean, I,

you know, clearly had so many experiences, some you know transforming, some just creepy, crazy, weird, some scary.

Uh but that's what you want in a trip and be able to come out, you know, intact.

Oh, dude, it sounds fucking awesome.

It was great.

And uh

and

you know, I do wonder if I'm over-romanticizing it, but I don't think I am because I've I had all these stories when I came back and and talked about them.

So I think it was all pretty much good, except for the handful of like, oh, this is scary.

And I didn't really go into the Ismir, meeting this guy.

Oh, here's another thing I learned.

This is also an Ismir.

When they come, at least at this restaurant I went to, and they offer you bread and they bring you bread, you get charged every time.

No, really?

Yeah, you better check that bill at the end.

You're like, what?

More bread?

You're like, sure.

That's like another beer.

You're like, absolutely.

These guys are great.

Free beers?

You're like, no.

Yeah, exactly.

Good tip.

Good tip.

I was usually asked people about a travel tip, but I think the fucking itinerary one is a great one.

It is.

That's the number one thing.

Like, go with enough time that

you know where you want to go and you know what you want to see, but don't be, don't do that thing where it's like, I got to get out of here by noon because I got to get to the train station because I want to go to the Eiffel Tower.

And then when I'm there to the Eiffel Tower, I want to go to Montmartre.

But I want to, you know, just.

It's it's an American thing of like, let's get all these things done.

Let's still, like, be productive.

And also,

this tip is

for travel anywhere.

And, you know,

like yourself, I'm on the road quite a bit, and sometimes you're in a place for two, three, four, five, six days.

Always, as soon as you can, as soon as you're feeling it, just put your shit in the hotel room and walk.

Walk and walk and walk, and walk completely around your hotel or Airbnb because

the fucking worst feeling is being somewhere for three, four, five, six days.

And on the very last day, you're like, I didn't know this was here.

This is fucking three blocks from the hotel.

This is awesome.

And now you don't have time.

And just walk and walk and observe everything in like an eight square block radius.

And then just walk.

Just go and check everything out as much as you can.

Then you can go take a nap or whatever.

And

you don't want to do that thing on day five where you're like,

around the corner and to the left and just down this alley is literally the coolest record store, bookstore, bar.

It's also that shit you can only find.

I mean, our neighborhood or whatever is like, you get high, walk around, like, oh, is a record store here?

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

You just like the walking is the only way to do it.

Yep.

Yeah.

Anyway, David crossed everybody.

His new season of Umbrella Academies on Netflix.com right now.

And his tour.

Hold on, I got it.

The beginning of the

end.

The end of the beginning of the end.

Yep, that's it.

The end of the beginning of the end.

And also check out his podcast, Some Dumb Fuck Speaks Into a Microphone.

It's also available.

That's in the parent title.

Buddy, I'm fucking jealous as shit of that trip.

That sounds so cool.

It was great.

You still have time, Ari.

Yeah, yeah.

You have time to do it yourself.

All right.

All right.

Fair enough.

All right.

Thanks.

God fucking damn it.

How does it feel when you do a whole fucking outro and then and then had a great time and then didn't hit record on the fucking video?

It's the DIY-ness of my fucking job that's so God.

That's where I get into trouble.

I'm not good technically.

I'm a comedian.

And then I'm trying to be fucking for any.

Thank you, David Cross, for coming in.

What a fucking good episode.

Get it together, Ari.

Get it fucking together.

If you like David Cross, go reach out to him on Instagram right now and tell him he's at the official David Cross.

No, David Cross Official on Instagram.

Leave him a message or just

I don't know.

I don't know how to reach out.

Tag him and check out fucking

the Umbrella Academy.

Right now it's on the Netflix.com.

Remember when it used to be Netflix.com?

Remember they drop shipped?

A good fucking episode.

I'll tell you what I do though.

My problem is when I have somebody that I kind of look up to at some point,

especially early on when I was younger as a comedian and as a human, like Rob Lowe actually is a good example.

David Cross is another one.

When I started comedy, David Cross was like the leader of the alt scene.

Alternative comedy was fucking cool.

They were like, we're not doing the same standard like setup punchline in front of a brick wall.

They were more natural.

They were cool.

I saw David Cross on like Letterman.

He was wearing like jeans and a t-shirt and that wasn't done before.

It was always like sport jacket and button down.

Like you had to kind of dress up and the alt scene was like, no, no, let's just be ourselves.

Talking about just like stuff that happened in life, just like talking as their real selves was interesting.

Eventually mainstream comedy, I'll just tell you, took that from them.

Didn't steal it, but learned from them, took it.

And then Alt,

in the later years, tried to be different.

And then they went to this other, and they got more sketchy, to be honest.

They got weird for the sake of being weird instead of like weird for the sake of being themselves.

But man, David Cross is so fucking cool.

I saw him at a super chunk show at the Knitting Factory.

I don't say you're a hipster without saying you're a hipster.

And I was like, David fucking Cross is here.

Slack, motherfucker.

But when I bring in big guests, I'm like, I don't know how to tell them what to do.

And with Rob Low and with David Cross, they so fucking impress me.

I'm like, all right, I can't challenge him or tell or guide him.

And man, just he has had a great fucking story.

I'm jealous.

It made me want to do his trip to Turkey.

Right?

I mean, that's a sign of this podcast when it's done well is when you like, that makes me want to go.

I went to Turkey.

It was nothing like that.

It was nothing like that.

God damn.

Yeah, good fucking episode.

I went to Turkey.

Don't forget to check out David Cross on his tour.

Beginning of the, what is it?

The end of the beginning of the end tour.

Some of these dates will be with my man, Sean Patton, New Orleans, Seattle, Olympia, Portland, Eugene, Arcata, Sacramento, Oakland, San Diego, Los Angeles, Phoenix, Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Antonio, Oklahoma City, Denver, Salt Lake, Madison, Minneapolis, St.

Louis.

Oh my God, Lawrence, Carborough, Atlanta, just a state.

South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee, Indianapolis, Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio, Ontario.

That's not a state.

Illinois, D.C., Ohio again, Michigan, Kentucky, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, New York, Vancouver.

Jesus Christ, dude, Montana.

God, you're everywhere, bro.

Yeah, I went to Istanbul.

I did a long layover.

It was either from Egypt.

So I think I can't, I couldn't fly from Israel straight to Egypt.

I think they had some sort of embargo.

Maybe, like, I think it was like one or two days a week they had a flight.

So I had to go through Turkey, and I was like, oh, sick, I'll cross off a new country off my list.

I'll be able to get a fridge magnet.

I try to get fridge magnets wherever I go in the world.

It's just something that gets me moving.

It's lame.

Ooh, I got a whole fridge over there.

Fridge magnets, I'll show you one day.

But a couple of them are still at home in the studio.

This is one I got from Istanbul.

Can you see it?

Yeah, I got another one too.

And I got this one.

Yeah.

It gets me moving.

It's lame, but it gets me fucking moving around the fucking...

Whatever.

I'm going to put this up.

So what I did is I took a long layover.

Kayak doesn't always tell you

how long a layover you're allowed to take.

It tells you how long of a layover, you know, limited, small amount of time.

And I was like, no, I want more time because I wanted to go into Turkey, into Istanbul, and go to one of those hammams.

Well, I should think I have pictures of this?

Kaffey, you might need more pictures.

Today's episode is produced by the Your Mom's House Network.

It is edited by Alan Kaffey.

Kaffe, bro, you're starting to get compliments on the comments on YouTube.

I saw it.

People are like, wow, the way you put the pictures into the Rob Lowe episode were fucking really good.

That's you, bud.

I can't make fun of you

anymore, but I can say that

Zolo voted for the Green Party.

He said, I would rather throw in my vote than to vote for either party.

And

people said, Zolo, what's the Green Party?

He goes, I don't know.

Ari's making this up as he speaks.

So this didn't really happen, is what he said.

Turkish Hammam.

Let's see if this one went.

So they were built by old Senegal, but it's Tak...

Yep.

This is it.

Tatakale Hammami, dating to the second half of the 15th century.

This splendid double bath managed to survive only barely.

The earthquake of 1894, the fire of 1911, and the dignity of serving as a storehouse for cheese in the 80s.

Suleimania, Hammami.

Damn, I don't know which one I went to.

I'll find pictures.

You'll put them in there.

But so I took a long layover.

It's like an eight-hour layover.

And

I left the airport, got my shit.

I think there was like a storage locker you could put your stuff in.

Your carry-on.

Put that in there.

And they gave you like there was like a one-day visa you could get at the airport because i guess people do this thing and i just got in a cab bolted across town so overcrowded so trafficky took me longer than i thought took me an hour plus to get there so i was like okay i gotta save time and get back um i went to this hammam it was so cool they scrub you down these old men like scrub you down and you're in this beautiful like palace almost

There's a cold bath and a hot bath.

I mean, they wash you.

And then there's like this hot room.

I gotta really remember all of of it but it was fucking badass and then i went got a turkish breakfast and uh walked around i might have gotten that fridge magnet from the airport um i try not to get them from the airport if i can um because i try to get something that mimicked my experience there i don't think this dan bill was that um

sometimes i get two i've learned my lesson i get a safety one I'm like, this isn't exactly the right one, but let me get it.

So when I was in Paris, I was like, I want to get something that is my experience.

So they had a bunch of Eiffel Tower ones, and I'm like, I didn't go to the Eiffel Tower.

I saw it, but I didn't go there.

And then I saw one that had a bunch of different wines, and I'm like, that's me.

That's what I did.

I drank wine all day and smoked fucking rollies at cafes.

If they had like a hand-rolled,

hand-rolled cigarette and coffee fridge magnet, that would have been the one for sure.

Anyway, then I saw some, I got some Turkish breakfast, I saw some Turkish kid, like a three-year-old, like this in his phone.

It It might have been an iPad, I don't remember.

And I remember going like, we're doomed as a society.

He's just staring at it, eyes wide open.

His parents aren't paying attention to him.

That hurt, actually.

And then went back into the Turkish airport, and I swear that there was a separate entrance for women.

Now, I've been told that this is wrong.

And I do what I always do is how can I find that I am not wrong?

How can I not admit defeat?

And the Turkish airport was rebuilt.

So it might have been that everyone was saying an old one.

It also might have been

it was the Egyptian airport.

It could have been that because it was within

probably the same day, actually.

So I think I flew from, I think it was this, and then it wouldn't have been the same day.

I think I flew from Israel to Turkey to Egypt because there was no direct flights from Israel to Egypt.

That day I had to go.

Or it was on the way home from Egypt, I stopped in Turkey to get.

another country in.

No, it wouldn't have been to get another country in because Egypt and Jordan, I had just gotten.

So I got my two countries for the year.

I try to get two new countries a year.

I got to get another one coming, this one.

Remember the old skeptic tank fucking rants?

Here was the problem.

They were great when podcasts were starting.

You're welcome for all your favorite podcasts.

I did that.

I did that jump.

But you go on this rant, and now that people are like, just get to the interview.

Just get to it.

I've listened to a, I remember realizing this, my favorite murder, I listened to one, and she was talking about her fucking dumb cat being sick.

And it's like, get to the fucking episode.

But I do like the rants.

How about afterwards?

Subscribe wherever you're listening or watching, by the way.

Leave a comment on the YouTube page, you'll be trippin' pod on YouTube.

youtube.com slash at you be trippin' pod it's up we're on uh instagram too at you be trippin' pod um subscribe wherever you're listening at you be trippin'

Almost, we're getting on our way to 100,000 subscribers

on YouTube.

It's getting there.

I like it.

I'm starting to get bigger guests.

They're starting to notice and they want to talk about their travels.

Leave a comment with anyone you know who's big that

has traveled and been to somewhere cool.

Leave just if you want some random person in general.

Someone suggests Sergil Simpson.

I sent him a DM.

And guess what he said back?

Nothing.

Because he wouldn't have noticed.

Because he's way bigger than me.

But at least I tried.

At least I tried.

It would be cool.

I don't know if he's been anywhere.

Some people are like, this guy's been to this place.

Like if you knew David Cross had spent a month in Turkey, be like, hey, David Cross went to Turkey for a month.

I would reach out.

Leave that shit in the comments.

It worked.

I got Wanton Don on.

I got whatever.

Hit over to the Patreon, the UB Tripping Patreon.

It's patreon.com slash Ub Trippin' where every week I read some, we'll do a few different things, but talk about a place on a map.

I read travel postcards.

I've been getting postcards from people all over the globe.

And I talk about the place, read off the postcard.

And then I'm filling up my back wall, not here, but in the Patreon room, filling up the fucking postcard wall with just like a wallpaper of the shit I get from across the globe.

It is fun.

And what I want to do is when I get to 2,000 subscribers, I'm going to pick somebody, not from the Patreon, just pick some listener from here

and send him around the globe.

We're going to live vicariously through somebody else.

I want to spend a year traveling the road, backpacking in the hostels, and I can't do it.

I don't have the time.

The money is one thing people say why you can't travel, but really it's a time.

You'd have to quit your job.

You have to put your life on hold.

You have to tell your wife, I'm out of here.

So we're going to find someone who has the time.

We're going to live vicariously through them.

They're going to travel the way I want them to travel, which is, no, I don't want you writing in every week.

I want you once a month finding a fucking

internet cafe or

a computer at a hostel you're staying in.

Sign up for a Gmail account.

send me a letter of what you've been up to once a month or so

yeah i'm gonna give them enough money i'm gonna keep putting it on a credit card so if we get to 2 000 subscribers you will be part of that dream patreon.com slash ubtripping three weeks three episodes a month um getting the fucking

uh voicemail thing down so we can call in and whatever there's also like uh tips on where to travel from other people like that have been there or that have questions it's like a little community going on there so head over on over there and support this podcast that way and uh I think that's it I think that's all I have to say yeah so my point was you can't do the fucking rants at the beginning of the episodes the skeptic rants

but how about we do them at the end of an episode how about you sit there in a fucking shirt you got at a fucking

jouve

pre a pre party to the Carnival.

It's pretty fucking cool though, right?

That was a paint washed out.

It's pretty fucking badass, especially when you know the story planet.

I got a Carnival episode coming up.

I got...

And then I got it.

Yeah, and then I got a...

Anyway.

That's it, guys.

That's it.

Also, if you've been to Turkey, leave a comment on there about your own experiences in Turkey.

I don't know, man.

I don't know.

I'm having a fucking blast with this.

I really am.

Where do you want to go?

Where else is there that you can want to go on the map?

Mongolia.

Tom Rhodes has been trying trying to get me to Mongolia for a while.

I heard

Ulan Batur, there's a fucking gig.

I want to go.

And I heard there's a gig.

Oh, there is a gig in Turkey.

My promoter in Romania told me about a gig in Istanbul that Daniel Sloss did.

And I said, I remember this.

It was in the winter.

I said, maybe in September, October.

Shit.

I got to get on that.

I got two new countries a year.

I got one more coming.

No, it won't be Turkey.

I've already been there.

Anyway,

that's the episode.

I hope you guys enjoyed it.

Until next week,

goule, goule, everybody.

I'm having fun with this.

I hope you guys are too.

David Cross, that was fucking that rule, buddy.

If you got any other trips, please come back in.