Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave.

We're in Los Angeles with the hit show on Netflix streaming right now.

Number two, Bad Thoughts.

Congratulations, buddy.

Thanks, buddy.

Congratulations.

It is awesome.

We went to the premiere last week, saw the first three episodes, and I sat right behind you.

I was howling, laughing the whole time.

You were.

It was awesome to hear you, actually.

And then Leanne and I, the last night, it started streaming yesterday.

And Leanne and I watched the last three episodes.

I got high before I watched them.

And I realized halfway through, Tom, that I was doing this weird smile laugh I've never done where my eyes were like scared, but I was smiling.

I was kind of like,

when you...

Okay, let's pick apart bad thoughts.

Millions and millions of people are watching it right now.

Yeah.

And it's still,

this is the next week, so we don't know, or the week after whatever, but we don't know where it is right now, but I'm guarantee you it's still in the top 10.

It is so fucking funny, but it is, god damn it, it is so your sense of humor.

It is my sense of humor.

It totally is.

Yeah, I mean,

you know,

I got a call yesterday because I had screened the first couple, basically the first one from my mom.

And she called me yesterday and she just goes,

I watched your whole show

and just quiet.

And I go, and what'd you think?

And she goes,

absolutely horrendous.

She goes, it's so embarrassing that I have to see my friends and know that they could see this.

That's when comedy is at its best.

Yeah, I get it.

You are so, you are such an open book in this.

I know, right?

My parents started watching it.

Oh, Oh my God.

Dad called this morning and he goes, the fuck was I watching?

The fuck is this?

Eaton, guys, really is eating his ass.

I mean, what the fuck?

They let that on Netflix?

You are the definition.

Every fucking person who goes, I want to show on Netflix, but I don't want any notes.

Yeah.

You are the only person I've ever seen do that.

I mean, yeah, it kind of does feel like that.

The only note they ever gave me was, don't say the N-word.

By the way, by the way, that was one of my favorite sketches.

Is

okay, let's pick apart my favorite sketches.

Okay, sure.

My favorite one, number one.

I will tell you right now, this is the best.

I think you have the best opening to a Netflix show I've ever seen.

That sketch, the assassin sketch, is so brilliant.

It's so brilliant because it builds in such an unexpected way, but it's such a great way to grab a viewer and go, this is what you're ready for.

You go over the top in places that are like the perfect.

You walking with shit on your legs I was crying laughing

and then oh wait are someone else on this phone like it is such and we got Shay Wiggum in that who's like playing the guy on the other end of the I met him which yeah but he's like unbelievable actor you know so like crazy getting those people in it like Dan Stevens was in a couple Daniela Pineda it made everything you know especially if you take a stoop like a silly absurd idea and you have like a real actor go like hey ground this I think it just makes everything better yeah that that was that was a great way to start i will say to date my favorite sketch out of all of them yeah is the fucking talent show oh really with the okay

is that one

man and i think because i feel like i feel like it would have i feel like your dad would have fucking loved it oh yeah he would have been like what's the funny part that's all very real

Those are all things that I like heard him say, you know, about Vietnam.

So that the funny thing about that one, like if you want to know the story, is I wrote it as

me taking my son

to say goodbye to my dad on his deathbed.

And then I go, is there anything you want to tell him?

And then he starts saying all this war shit.

And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And he's like, what?

And I'm like, okay.

So it just keeps progressing.

And we had that written, that was written.

It was like ready to go.

And then in the writer's room, just discussing it, this idea came out of like, what if it came out of the kid, but it's from the grant?

And I was like, oh, that's better.

That is better.

So good.

It's very good.

The this guy sketch.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

The portal stuff with Rob Eiler.

I don't want to give it away in case you haven't seen it.

If you haven't seen it, you should see it.

But the Kirk Fox part.

He's so

the reveal is my favorite.

is my favorite how'd you do it it's so good it's so good and by the way um

he's awesome in the one i mean i i don't want to tease too much to like yeah but like the dad and the cake and that fucking had me tom like this like ah ah ah ah ah that one is yeah that's one of my favorites too i uh i love the black and white one with the the dude shut the fuck up i didn't realize that was you that's me yeah leanne i'm watching it, and Leanne's like, That's fucking Tom.

And I went, No.

She goes, No, that's Tom.

I go, No, no, I met the lady that plays that.

And she goes, You met the other lady.

And I was like, Oh, shit, you're right.

Yeah.

Dude, that's one of my favorite ones.

I mean, they're all kind of like they feel like they're your babies, you know.

But

yeah, we had a really fun premiere that you came to.

Leanne,

a bunch of people that were in it.

It was a really I hope people start saying, I slept like a homo last night.

I know.

I know.

I shit like a Jew.

The airplane sketch was really funny to watch you defend your old bits.

Yeah, that was fun.

That was really great, man.

That was really great.

And then

it was

every bit of it, it was really, it should inspire every comic who wants to make something to really make it in their voice.

Because that's what you did.

You know, just like, like,

I'll say Tires is shane's voice like fucking that is shane that is if you hang out with shane that is with if you're in a car with shane if you're on a bus with shane if you're on a plane with shane if you're at a bar with shane that is shane yeah this is you to a fucking t it is so

it's so funny it's what i thought is it's undeniable because

If someone doesn't like it, then yeah, you don't like Tom, I guess.

Then that's cool.

Yeah, totally.

We all have different sites of humors.

You can't deny it's not funny, but if you go, it's too much for me, then you go, yeah, okay, I get it.

Yeah, yeah.

No, totally.

I mean, that's, you know, the feedback, I, I, because I think people in some of the people in production, I, I prepared them for this.

I was like, I go, this isn't a stand-up special, but I go, it's the same kind of thing is going to happen.

It comes out, I go, you're going to have a lot of people shower it with love and say how great it is.

And then I go, if you want, you just keep looking and you find the people that are like, I hate this.

This is the worst.

I go, just don't, you can't like just focus on it you just have to accept it's part of how it goes you put something out you're not in control of how people react but like we love it the the people that made it and I'm like just uh you know be happy that some people really love it and then just you know move forward you can't like I haven't read it I mean I you come up you and you come up in my news thread I've blocked me my name never comes up but you come up in my news thread yeah and I've and I saw like three things all very fucking positive oh that's cool that's cool I mean

yeah, I kind of have a Zen

attitude now.

Like, Christina was actually complimenting me on it.

She was like, you're not like checking all the time.

I'm like, yeah, no, it's out.

I can't do anything.

It's out.

You can't do anything about it, man.

You made it and you had fun making it.

And I'd argue you grew from making it.

Like, you're, I think, I can see your thumbprint all over it.

How much, how, how much did you fight?

for things and how much did you allow the writers to convince you?

I mean, you know, that's a great question.

I loved that writer's room because we had brilliant people in it.

We had

Matt Zimmo, Craig Gerard, Connor Galvin, Rami Hishash, Jeremy Connor, Greg Tugalescu.

And it was this great room where I came in with things that some things were already written.

I would go, here's the thing.

And we would talk about it.

And some of them would keep

a lot of what was there and some of it would evolve.

It was always better after the writers worked together.

Sometimes we would discuss one and somebody would take a stab at it and then we would all punch it up together.

So it was this whole process.

The funny one, because the guy, Jeremy told me this later.

He was like, I'm glad you fought for slept like a homo.

He goes, because we would have a wall with pins of like our definite yeses and then another wall had like we're considering it.

And that slept like a kept getting moved to considering.

And I would take it out and put it on the definite wall, you know.

And he'd be like, How did it make it back here?

I go, I fucking put it back here.

We're doing you direct that one, yeah.

I directed that one.

I could tell.

I was like, I was like, Was it you weren't in it?

Yeah, and I was like, and I was like, Wait, the heat, I knew you were directed.

Did you direct a bunch or just that one?

Three.

I directed that one, I directed the grandparents one, the speech, the little kid.

Oh, are you serious?

I directed that one, and then I directed the one with Bobby Lee,

which he's so funny, dude.

Like, when you see our blue, our bloopers reels coming out soon, I

looking into his eyes and trying to say that shit seriously, it was, I mean, I thought we were going to have to do 30 takes.

I was like, I can't do this.

Every time I look at him, I just start laughing.

I just could not, just looking at him made me laugh, which is going to make him upset.

How much were you guys on book versus improv?

There was some improv in that, especially like when we got to the end of the bed and we were talking, like, you know, I'm like a sandwich and you're like like so i was doing different versions of that and they were making us laugh every time like i'm in that i wondered how much the writers were throwing lines at you because i was like he doesn't know what some of these meats are

they were they were throwing things like because different ones would visit on different days and whenever they came they would have you know a bunch of ideas and we would try stuff but they're they're the greatest guys.

I mean, I had just, I have nothing but good things to say.

They always were like throwing out ideas.

So were Jeremy and Rami, like always just, what if we did this?

You know, suggesting new ways to play it or a different line.

But yeah, there was a good bit of improv, but I feel like most of it, we tried to stick to what we wrote.

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It was so.

Beautifully shot.

I mean,

this is a testament to whoever your DP or director or whatever it was.

Oh, my God.

Just the dick sketch.

When you go to the lady in the basement, it was racked so beautifully that I went, if you hadn't had what you had in that thing over your shoulder, like take away the sketch.

It was gorgeous.

No, he, that's Nico, Nicholas Wiesnet,

the DP of all of them.

Man, because I told him, I was like, you know, the main, one of the main things, I was like, I don't like watching comedy that is shot like, hey, this is is a comedy.

So it's super bright and flat.

And, you know what I mean?

Like the way we kind of, you see sitcoms.

I was like, I don't want it to look like that, man.

I want it to look cinematic.

And like, we had so many conversations about it.

And I thought he killed it.

Like, everything looked really, had its own different stories, had a whole different look, but it always looked beautiful.

God, man.

So

like,

what was Christina's favorite Scotch?

I don't know.

She was,

I showed, she hadn't seen them all, and we were watching some last night because she asked me to show her some more.

I don't know which one is her favorite, actually.

I really don't know.

But

she's like over the moon about it.

She loves it.

She was laughing.

I mean, it was, you know, it's so good.

It's so, like, you know, it's so funny.

You do stuff on Netflix and you put it up.

And, you know, with our specials, I think we can stand behind them because it's the thing we do.

Yeah.

You know?

But with scripted stuff, sometimes you go, well, shit, it's not my strong suit.

Right.

Even like the cabin, like, I go, I go, yeah, that's what I do.

It's, it's just basically, it's a long-form podcast.

Right.

And I, and I love the cabin.

I think it's so great.

But like, scripted is like, well, shit, this isn't my thing.

Dude, you really fucking hit it out of the park.

It's like, I was so,

so impressed.

And so,

and my favorite thing is like, when people love it, I go, I know, right?

And then when people don't get it, I like that even more.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I go, yeah, I know.

You need to watch it one more time.

I'm super grateful for the, uh,

honestly, for the experience and like getting to do it.

Cause I was telling, I was with Joe and I was like, I go, you know, this is actually my real dream.

And he was like, what do you mean?

And I go, well, I moved to L.A.

I go, I didn't move to L.A.

to do a stand-up.

It wasn't even on my radar.

I had zero, it was just, it wasn't even a thought.

And I go, even though like, I have a stand-up career that I'm super happy about and grateful for.

I go, you still, that thing in your mind never leaves that you go it was my dream to like make things like this you know so to get to execute it felt like it was a dream it'd be like if somebody was like if you could jump into a 22 year old version of yourself and play baseball like you know you'd be like yeah like so that's what i wanted to do right what i wanted to do when i moved to la was make comedy movies like you know what i mean like so this was like it felt like they were like here you go go ahead and do the thing you wanted to do

Yeah, that's so fucking,

that's so crazy because, you know, one of the things that you're good at that I am really not good at is you love getting lost in a character.

That was fun.

Yeah, that was really fun.

I mean, I mean, what did your kids think of it?

Oh, they love it.

They were talking about it in school.

That first sketch sets it off so properly, like, so good.

Oh, it's such a good...

Did you guys play around with the order of them other than

other than the transitions, which I love that you did, like the cliffhangers?

I think that's safe to say.

Yeah.

Is that you'll end one sketch and be like, huh?

And then you'll start another sketch and be like, oh.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now we played with that a lot.

And then even when we thought we had our order, we were still debating.

And we ended up switching some things around.

But almost from the beginning, we thought that that assassin one was the way to start the show.

Oh, it's so good.

Yeah.

It's so good because it escalates so quickly

and really gets you to where the show will be.

Yeah, exactly.

It's a great introduction.

It's a great foot forward.

Thanks.

Did you go in knowing you wanted Sickler and Kevin Christie and Johnny Pemberton and Bobby?

Or did you, they audition?

It was a

casting was crazy.

One of the things was like we're in Austin because we always talk about like if we were in LA,

it would be like so easy to like call so many people you knew,

you know um so that was a big thing and we did cast a lot of austin people that were super talented people also came from houston and dallas and we had people fly in from new york and arizona but when it came to those it was um

so

the sickler thing we were just like hey you know

who do you want standing next to you

um while you're naked because at first they were like should we just cast like a local guy and i was like i liked that it was sickler i was like it'll be fun to be Sickler.

Kevin did me just a super solid because it was like, it was a small part.

And he's an accomplished actor who's been in a bunch of real things.

Bobby, I thought, was so perfect to play the part of, like, he plays so, the victim so well.

Like, you know, when he's being kind of like bullied in a way, his natural way of playing that, I think, is so funny.

Like, him in that role is so funny.

He's great.

I wasn't supposed to be in that one.

My role in that one with Bobby, that was supposed to be Momoa.

And so our whole thing was,

if you can't get someone who's like genuinely a sex symbol, let's get somebody who's like kind of like, why the fuck do you find this person sexy?

Wow.

Wait, so what happened?

Momoa backed out?

Yeah, so we changed all our whole entire production, moved everything,

all to accommodate his schedule, because he was like, I'll do it.

And we were all out of our minds, just so happy about it.

And then like two weeks before, he FaceTimed me from a bathtub.

He was like, hey, what's up?

I'm like, are you taking a bath?

He's like, yeah.

Hey, I can't make it, man.

And I was like, fuck.

I was like, fuck.

He was like in New Zealand.

They were shooting more pickups from his movie or something.

So I was like, all right.

So then we were like,

we didn't want to get somebody where you go like, yeah, that guy's sexy too.

Cause like he stands back.

Did you reach out to Brad Pitt?

We did reach out to the, he was shooting a movie in, I don't know, Louisiana or something.

So, but then we were like, once we get those guys off the table, it felt like it was funnier to make it like the anti-sex symbol.

I thought it was even funny.

By the way, I mean, I'm sure Mamo would have been great.

It would have been hilarious to watch him walk in.

And I bet he would have killed it.

But I thought it was funnier that it was the guy that makes subs.

subs yeah then we just tried to make him like kind of a dirtbag you know yeah um

yeah so that that was that and we got surprised like shea saying shay wigham saying yes to the badass and then dan stevens who plays the uh the guy that runs the old folks home

you know that with the the old lady the guy who's like these people

yeah wait who's the one better yet who's the one who plays the gym owner the gym guy

that's him that's he's the guy he's from fucking like like uh downtown abbey right yes yes holy you know who leanne kept saying that was last night we're watching it she goes they got carrie hughes again i go carrie hughes

the guy from princess bride and she goes that's carrie hughes and i went no and he had makeup on so i'm going like this you know how you look at like a like a people go hey what do you see first in this picture an elephant or uh or a or a sword and i was like i kept looking at his face trying to see it and i was like that's not him and then all of a sudden i went

that is the guy from downtown abbey yeah it's him yeah he's so handsome shit he's gorgeous i could see how she could confuse them but they're also about 30 years apart and a lot well you know what's crazy yeah uh we were doing something

and we got reached uh this is going to sound weird but like someone said we were making something and someone said carry hughes is available yeah and i went what And they're like, yeah, he's really cool.

He's funny.

He's like, he's like really dialed in.

I guess he like

a regular guy.

And I was like, wait, I go, I think he's wrong for it, but I'd cast him just to meet him.

Yeah,

cast him, give him the job.

Hey, I just wanted to meet you.

I just want to meet him.

He's fucking awesome, dude.

He is amazing, actually.

Yeah, he's a really great actor.

I got to say this, okay?

And I'm just curious.

Yeah.

Was there ever a conversation about we should put Bert in one?

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

We all saw your promos.

You know what's so funny is

I posted that promo yesterday.

Yeah.

And

I actually, I had a dream.

I had a dream.

It's so funny.

I had a dream that I walked off the set of my own show and went over to your show and said, hey, can I, I just walked off the set of my show.

Can I work on your show?

I don't have a show anymore.

And you were like, of course, I got you.

And then you're like, you're going to be like, you can get us coffee and stuff.

And I was like, Tom, I had a dream about this, right?

And I woke up and I thought, and I thought, wait, he put everyone in that and I wasn't in it.

And I was like, oh, I should do a promo.

I'll do a promo to promote the show saying that I wasn't in it.

That was very funny.

But what's so funny is, I was like, as soon as I did it, I was like, well, I didn't, I haven't put Tom in anything.

And then, and then randomly we did the promo.

And at the very end, I go, wait, I, he was in the cabin.

That's right.

And so I was like, oh, okay, I put him in the cabin.

But what's so funny is, like, even like people you know are like our friends.

Like, like, Mr.

Clapicle, he's a great guy.

I love Mr.

Clapigle.

Yeah.

But Mr.

Clapicle wrote, I like in one of the comments, I didn't see Bert.

I didn't see Tom in the machine.

I was like,

I was like, guys i'm joking like i think sometimes my personality gets lost and like people think i'm a hundred percent serious all the time or i'm a i don't i don't know what it is but i was like i'm joking obviously but i'm also not joking at all

I'm joking 100%,

but 0% at the same time.

Yeah, I got it.

I got it.

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That's fucked up.

These savings is wild.

Oh, my God.

Do you know for the record, Mr.

Clavigal?

We had written a scene in the machine for all my friends to be in, like a cameo scene for all my friends to be in.

But we were shooting in Serbia, and there were five days

where you had to be, five days you had to be quarantined.

And it was just so not feasible to bring people over and have them wait for five days and then fly home.

So it was like, it was, but I turned down a movie that shot in Oklahoma City

back then, where like they just, they gave me an offer to play the part.

And it was like,

here's the days you need to be here.

And I was like, I can do that.

It was like, let's say 12 days of shooting this movie.

And they're like, cool, we need you two weeks before then

and then a week after.

And I was still like, okay, maybe.

And then as we got closer, they're like, you actually need to stay multiple weeks after also.

So the 12-day shoot was, they wanted me there for like six weeks.

And I was was like, I can't do that, dude.

That's insane.

It's crazy.

Because of like how they were quarantining back then.

It's so crazy to think that quarantines actually

happened.

Yeah, that you could say you can't go outside.

Yeah.

And also, like, we just need you here.

You got to just stay here for a couple weeks.

I was like, I can't do that, dude.

Yeah.

We did talk about.

So just so we're clear, I did want Tom to be in the machine.

It couldn't have happened.

And I did put Tom, you were the very first person I called for the cabin.

Yes.

No, for this show, it was casting was like a very scrambled thing where you're always like,

who fits into this part?

What's the way that they would, you know, who can do it at what time?

And it was always like, what would be a good fit, people's schedule.

Looking back, I don't know if you, what was the one?

I think we were.

Because I wanted to actually play you in one, and we were kicking around that idea.

yeah,

so it just, it just didn't, it was just one of those things where it wasn't like uh never thought about or discussed, it just didn't pan out.

Um, but you know, hopefully, we can do another one.

Hopefully, there's season two, yeah,

what would you like to play?

Just a guy that sucks a dick or gets fucked in the ass, or shits himself, or eats a guy with shit on his ass, whatever you're, whatever you like, whatever you're into, you know?

Yeah, do you want to do like an orgy scene or something?

Yeah, I would just, I'll tell you what, I can I

literally was was like, I would be

so difficult because I'm not cool with all the shit you're cool with.

Like, I can't, like, I couldn't have shit on my legs for an extended period of time.

Oh, my God.

Like, I, I couldn't, I couldn't put the, the, the veneers in that you did.

Twice, twice.

You did it for the, the, the thing on the back and the other guy.

Like, I can't, I can't, like, I'm not, I'm not an actor like you're an actor.

You're, I mean, I have to say this, and, and I hope, you know,

I mean, I don't think this is a surprise to anyone.

You're you're a really good actor you're really fucking good like you're good at getting into a character and being a different person and you're also good at being tom and being subtle and quiet and like your choices are fucking amazing I am not that good I can play Bert and that's it and I can't have shit touch me I need to wear my clothes

you do you do you really well though I do you really well yeah yeah uh well thanks I appreciate that it was um I think playing the characters characters is like the most fun.

I couldn't, like, it's crazy to see you with hair.

That also freaked me out.

And also, I think I told you, and I wasn't joking.

That day when I was playing the Italian guy, and I was, A, walking around, and everybody was like, wow, you look great.

And I would look in the mirror and I was like, maybe I do want hair transplants.

Oh, that was the only day that I thought that.

I was like, Leanne kept saying he is

so attractive.

He's an attractive guy.

With shaved beard, Bert, he's attractive with hair.

He's attractive.

And then he goes back to Tom and he looks like Kevin James.

Pull up.

Kevin James got a new special called Irregardless.

Pull up Irregardless if you can and tell me this doesn't look like a Tom Seguro special.

Kevin James irregularly.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

You and Kevin James should do a twins movie.

He's got to be dying that beard, right?

Yeah.

That's pretty dark.

He's always dying their beard except for you.

Yeah.

My friend Steve that came to the 5K.

Yeah.

We're the same age, and his beard is totally dark.

And I was like, you're using a dye, right?

And he's like, no, it just grows like this.

That's really fucking crazy.

Yeah, it was so dark.

Wait, have we talked about the 5K at all?

Yeah, we did a podcast of the 5K.

I fucking don't remember.

We did a podcast of the 5K.

I've been eating edibles every night now.

I've been smoking weed every night.

I'm not sober sober.

Like, I don't think I ever have an attraction to being sober, but, like, not drinking has felt fucking really good these last eight days.

Eight days?

You're almost time to get a coin.

It ends in about four hours.

Oh, it's over in four hours.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

It ends in four hours.

I'm having a glass of our vodka.

I'm getting on a plane.

Tom, it's just flying, man.

It's flying.

Yeah, I know.

We fly differently.

We talked about that.

I just, just, I'm like, yeah, I don't care.

Do a barrel roll.

I don't give a shit.

And then,

yeah.

Turbulence makes me laugh.

And everyone's like panicking on my flight.

And I'm like, it's fine.

You can hear it, like the engine separating from the wing.

I feel so good.

I feel so good right now that I go, don't drink, don't drink.

Let's see how long I can not drink on the flight.

And that way I'll minimize my drinking.

But then we're going to Chicago for a bottle takeover, right?

Or for a bar takeover.

Both.

We have a bottle signing and a bar takeover.

We have a bottle signing and a bar takeover.

I'm going to drink in Chicago.

By the way, I'm also eating clean.

I'm eating good.

Yeah, where is that, by the way?

So we can say it.

And then I think I'm going to the Post Malone Jelly Roll concert.

Okay, hold on.

It's the Old Crow Smokehouse.

It's

the 21st.

Scroll up a little bit.

Yeah, the May 21st, 8 p.m.

That's 3506 North Clark Street in Chicago.

It is a free and open to the public event 21 and over.

Of course, that is going to be a lot of fun.

We've done a bunch of bar takeovers all over the country.

And so you guys should come out.

If you're in Chicago, we will be there from 8 p.m.

And if I know Bert, we'll be there till way after 8 p.m.

And if you're a college kid and you don't have any money to drink, come out.

We'll pour you free drinks.

There you go.

There you go.

And that's the thing.

College kids, show up.

If you're a broke college kid and you're in Chicago, show up.

We'll get you drunk.

There's the offer.

And then I'm going to Post Bloom and Jelly Roll that next night.

The next night.

Oh, that's cool.

At Wrigley Field by myself.

That's going to be fun.

By myself.

I'm going to concert by myself.

That's okay.

You'll have fun.

I don't know.

You know, my only problem is I don't want to like, I don't want to bother Jelly Roll band and Jelly Roll.

Like, I don't want to be like, like, because

I'm not going to fucking just go sit in the stands.

I'm going to want to go backstage and hang out with them.

And then

I just feel like I don't want to bother people.

Well, I mean, you're friends.

You guys can, you'll be fine.

I know.

Go hang, chill.

Yeah.

And then we're going to the Coca-Cola 600

for Labor Day weekend.

We're doing

something's burning

in Charlotte, North Carolina, on the infield during the fucking Coca-Cola 600.

During it?

During the Coca-Cola 600, I'm making...

Check this out.

So this is the deal.

NASCAR's like, yo, can you do a pop-up at at

NASCAR at an event?

They gave me like five races, one of them being the fucking, the one we went to, the Daytona 500, but it didn't work in my schedule.

Anyway, I pick, based on food, I pick Charlotte, North Carolina.

We're making biscuit briskets, brisket biscuits, biscuit, brisket,

pimento cheese, sauce, and we're making little sliders and we're just handing them out to everyone.

We're going to make a thousand of them.

A thousand of them.

A thousand of them.

Are you going to have some help?

Yeah.

Dave Williamson's coming with me and the guys, Jody over at Rec Tech is coming down.

He's going to bring a grill.

We've got a party bus coming to hang out.

We got tents.

I'm so excited for this.

I'm like, and by the way, since I've had what's his name, Kurt Bush on, I've been watching NASCAR non-stop.

Dude, NASCAR and wrestling.

I'm like, all of a sudden, I go to one wrestling event and I'm watching wrestling non-stop.

I watched Monday Night Raw the other night live.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, those are exciting events, dude.

I mean, NASCAR, for me, when we went to the Daytona 500, I was like, holy shit, I'd never experienced anything like it.

It really was so fucking cool.

Why is it that, why is it, sorry to interrupt, why is it that NASCAR has rednecks and F1 has princes?

I mean,

I don't know, dude.

Like, F1 definitely erupted and had been a huge European thing.

That's like a European sport, basically, that has gone global.

And so it's always been the creme de la creme, like that kind of society loves it.

But also, I would say in Europe, you do have princes and dukes at F1, but the working class man also loves F1 there.

You know, it kind of transcends all social classes, even though people associate it as like an elite kind of, you know, fan base.

And I don't know, NASCAR is all, NASCAR started with like in the South, in the Southeast, you know, it was like country shit, those guys.

Like, that was the origins of it.

So it's always been like this thing that it did kind of become like this redneck is what you associate with it.

But then you get around them and you realize that these, you know, the fucking brains behind it, they're brilliant.

Like the people who are analyzing the data and the engineers associated with it, I mean, it's very, very highly technical and

super sophisticated, but people will casually kind of dismiss it as just being like a bunch of rednecks driving in a circle, you know?

But why is it, why is American car culture?

Yeah.

Is like,

and I mean this,

I'm just saying, like for broad strokes purposes, American car culture is kind of like, you know, like grease heads, grease monkey and like, and like grease heads and like kind of lowbrow and like,

and then, and then European car culture is like Ferrari Porsche Mercedes like it's it's like a there's like a there's like a shine to European car culture yeah you're right you're totally right I don't I mean you know with part of it I think is that in the F1 world the teams that have like the most kind of weight to them that are traditionally

dominant in that sport, they're all European like Lux brands, right?

It is Mercedes and Ferrari and McLaren.

Those are like,

those are household names, but they're also like super elite brands.

So I think some of that is just the fan base that comes with that.

You know what I mean?

Like here, it's Chevy and Ford.

That's a different, it's a different thing.

Do you know what I got into watching?

You got me into Drive to Survive.

Oh, yeah.

And then Netflix suggested

Polo.

I think it's just called Polo, right?

So I watched that.

They have it for everything now.

Wide receivers, quarterbacks.

They have the tennis one, the golf one.

They just did Liver King Untold.

And by the way, he put me in it.

That's a friend.

But you know what?

Then, so like, I get high.

I watched Bad Thoughts last night.

Leanne goes to bed.

It's like midnight.

And I'm pretty high.

I got these great PAX vape pens that are like perfect.

And because I, I guess because I watched, because you got me on Drive to Survive, and then that got me into polo.

Yeah.

Last night it auto-played, like it just immediately goes into Megan Markle's show.

Oh, my God.

Dude.

Was that.

It's like the thing that got roasted the hardest.

I can't believe, I can't believe people.

It's I don't want to talk negative about her, you know, because I don't like talking negative about people.

It is fucking fascinating.

It is like, if you're, it's almost like if you go watch Jeffrey Dahmer put a body into a fucking canister.

Like I watched her make tea last night.

And it's like halfway through, Tom, I realized I was whispering.

Like she whispers through it.

And it's like, but like she says wild, crazy things.

It's almost like she was never American.

It's almost like she was never like a regular, she was always a princess.

Like she's like the first people that she's like,

my friend Delphina is coming over.

Her husband Nacho is

good friends with Harry.

We go out and hike and it's, and then so I google Nacho, right?

Nacho is the most beautiful man in the world.

He is one of the richest men in the world.

He runs the number one polo.

Him and Harry play polo together.

And I'm just like, what world?

And then this fucking Delphina shows up.

She's gorgeous.

She has the most beautiful accent.

And guess what?

Megan Markle speaks Spanish.

Megan Markle speaks Argentinian Spanish.

Really?

And I'm like, who the fuck is Megan Markle?

Well, those Argentines.

Look at this fucking uncircumcised cock.

He is gorgeous.

And he rides horses at full sprint.

And he plays polo, and he's rich, and his wife's taller than him.

Dude, this guy nacho, I got onto a deep dive of him.

And then that's just their first friend.

Then they go to the, I've watched fucking four episodes of this goddamn show, Tom.

Is he Argentine?

Because they love Polo.

Oh, he's Argentinian.

Yeah, they're fucking, he loves Polo.

He's got the, it's called black.

He's sponsored by Polo, by Polo, the brand Polo.

Like, he's, he's the fucking guy.

Dude, how did we not become that kind of white where we played polo and we fucked photographers and they knew how to make focaccia and they fucking made tea.

I mean, Tom, she made biscuits for their fucking dog.

She made biscuits for their fucking dog.

Are you going to make me watch this fucking show?

Megan, I'm telling you, I can't, you know, look, all I could hear is Tim Dylan in my head going, this fucking

like, and, and, which makes it so much more enjoyable.

Of course, I got to be honest with you.

It is,

it's so weird.

It's such an interesting insight into someone's life.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, it got renewed.

Everybody was like slim, but of course, it's probably got crazy views.

It got crazy views.

Because weren't the reviews for this just like insane?

Like people are like, this is unwatched.

I can't tell if she's lying or not.

That's the, I kept trying to find out.

Like, you could tell if she's lying.

Like, right?

She makes these ice cubes with

flowers inside them.

She goes, I like, dude, she made a fucking mimosa that I swear to God, I will make.

She freezes orange juice into cubes that look like flowers, then puts them in the drink, puts them in the freezer, and then when her friends come over, she pulls it out and pours champagne on top of them.

Let me tell you something.

Megan Markle could get in my pants tomorrow.

This fucking chick, she is telling them she made tea for her friend.

She made tea bags for her friend to take home so that she could make tea later.

And then Megan Markle's like, I've been making tea my whole life.

And I can't tell if she's lying or not.

Oh, right.

Where's the black part of Megan Markle?

Like, isn't she black?

Half.

I don't know black people to make biscuits for their dog that's i'm just saying that like

it's not been a thing in black culture like we make biscuits for our dog or we leave tea bags for our friends or i mean she made biscuits for her dog tom listen to what she did Her friends coming over.

They both have dogs.

She makes biscuits for her friend's dog, gives it to one of her dogs, and her dog fucking loves it.

Then she puts them in a jar, a mason jar.

She has labels pre-written, biscuits for your,

with the dog's name.

Her handwriting is fucking perfect.

She puts the top on, then puts a bow around it.

Tom, this is what she does.

This is crazy.

She takes the bow, she takes the ribbon, folds it, cuts it at an angle, and Tom, it then looks like this.

It looks like a whale tail.

I'm like, Jesus Christ.

Now, listen, I can't imagine they're in pre-production talking about this is how you cut a ribbon.

I think this, I think this chick might be the real deal.

You think she lives like this, regardless of a camera's there?

I swear, dude, I'll watch it again on the plane tonight.

I'll tell you what, the only thing, she can't dance.

That's very disappointing.

Well, it makes me think like, okay, if you're black and you can't dance, maybe you spend your time cutting ribbons.

That's a big thing.

I got to be honest with you, man.

I got, I'm fucking, and I know, I know this is an unpopular opinion.

And listen, by the way, I was wrong about Ryan Holliday.

Stoicism is pretty badass, okay?

Yeah.

I'm just saying it.

I look,

I say unpopular opinions.

I think we're going to have a huge turnaround on this Megan Markle bitch.

Really?

I think she's going to be our next Martha Stewart.

I think she's the real deal.

I think, look, let's, for just argument's sake, Tom, okay?

For argument's sake, okay?

Argument's sake.

Say she is the real deal.

Say she does like make dog biscuits and make her own tea.

She leaves it outside.

She steeps it all day.

And then Harry meets her, right?

Harry's a guy that's had servants his whole life.

And then he runs into a chick who, by the way, probably fucks like a banshee.

Probably put it down.

Harry's only fucked

the duchesses duchesses of wales right all these like those white broads pasty white broads that are he's basically downtown abbey his whole life right yeah yeah meets a what american half black chick right yeah who can twerk a little bit fucking rails him then casually casually makes him a mimosa they go into their his parents house and she says casually this just argument's sake tom argument's sake argument's sake She goes, hey, man, this is a little fucked up.

It's crazy, man.

No one's making eye contact.

Like, what the fuck?

And he said, well, I'm the prince.

She goes, yeah, this is kind of crazy.

And then they start showing him, like, they go into his bedroom and he's like, this is the jaw of an Aborigine.

And she's like, you have an Aboriginal jaw?

And he's like, yes, doesn't everyone have Aboriginal jaws?

She's like, how'd you get that?

And he goes, my grandfather killed them.

He killed them when they decided they didn't want.

He'd go there and he got them pregnant and they'd kill them and then take their jaws and give them to us as presents as children for Christmas.

Yeah, that's a great present.

Yeah.

But then Megan Markle just casually goes,

Yo, man, this is a little fucked up.

And by the way, everyone's like, How dark will the baby be?

Yeah.

Someone else

is like, Will he be blacker than you?

Someone actually said,

Are we looking at a Patrick Ewing or more of a Steph Curry?

We certainly don't want him any darker.

Have to keep him out of the sun before he turns as dark as night.

Your darkness is acceptable.

You look like you've been on holiday, but you're not like one of those island blacks.

You look like if a moor went to a beef.

What if she casually says that, right?

She casually is like, this is a little fucking racist because she's American, right?

Yeah.

She's American.

And then the whole world turns on her because Harry can't get his brother to fucking be on his side.

What if, like, just what if she's not the bad person in this?

Yeah.

Maybe.

I don't know, man.

Since when have the Royals been the fucking on the good team?

I know.

And the rumor is that

William, you know, William's going to be king soon.

Is that he had planned on removing their titles completely because he so resents

her for and him for leaving, you know?

I'll tell you right now, the only thing I get in all this is William.

You get it?

That's the only person I get is like him going, like, bro, we're brothers.

Bros before hoes.

What the fuck are you doing?

Yeah.

You know how we roll.

Yeah, our family's racist.

Yes, we have Aboriginal jaws.

Yes, we fucking, this is who we are, though, bro.

We fuck bitches.

What are you fucking doing, man?

Let's go on holiday.

We'll put on Nazi outfits like we used to when we were children.

Just like papa.

Have a laugh.

Have a laugh.

A big goof.

We killed the Jews.

Jesus Christ.

You can watch a ball stool also.

Well, yeah, they're kind of fucked, man.

They're not welcome back there.

At least that's the rumor.

You get an invite.

Okay?

Casual.

Casual invite.

Casual invite.

Andrew texts you and he's like, yo, I got a weird invite.

Prince William asked for, or Prince Harry asked for for your number.

Can I give it to him?

What do you say?

Sure.

Okay, great.

You get a text from Prince Harry.

Hey, man,

big fan.

Megan and I watched your show, Bad Thoughts.

We have such the same sense of humor, me and you.

And then he writes, Megan didn't love it, but who cares?

Right.

And then he goes, I'd love to have you guys out to the house, you and Christina.

Bring the boys.

We have an extra house on the property out in Santa Barbara.

Do you take the invite?

Well, I would say, yeah, totally.

Just so you know, I think my wife has said some not-so-cool things about yours.

Is that okay?

Oh, shit, she has.

What does she think?

She doesn't like her.

I don't know, man.

She put out, I think she had some commentary on a video, like, you know, making fun of something about her.

And

it was in like the British tabloids and everything, too.

Yeah.

Oh, for real?

So they might know Christina's name.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I'd be like, yeah, sure, we'll be there.

I'll see you.

I mean, I would go.

Wouldn't you go?

You'd go in a heartbeat.

Fuck yes.

I'd be a sunscreen for him and be like, buddy, we're going to be doing it.

Yeah.

We're going to.

Megan, did you make those little fucking mimosas?

What's crazy to me is that, like,

as podcasters,

we take swings at people like Megan Markle, right?

Yeah.

It's free, free game.

And she's got a, she's like a regular person.

She is a princess or whatever, but like, she's a regular person.

And then people take swings at us and then we get upset and we, but we do, we would do it to them.

So I try not to talk bad about people because I have done it in the past.

And then when it happens to me, like, it's like a friend or someone you, you like, someone you casually know, you're like, oh man, what the fuck?

And they're like, I'm sorry, man.

I was just looking for content.

Yeah.

Do you pay your own bills?

There's a portal that I sign into and approve of certain bills that go out.

Oh, Leanne does that for us.

Yeah, I figured.

Yeah, I've never paid a bill in my life.

I also figured that out.

I've never.

The last time I paid a bill, you could write checks.

Seriously?

Yeah.

The last time I paid a bill, you could write checks.

So you have no idea

how any of it works for you?

None.

None.

None.

I have.

You know, I look at it this way.

I think, because me and you spend money differently, and I've seen you spend money.

I actually said to someone recently, I was like,

and they were like, don't you and Tom like have same amount of money?

And I was like, not really.

He has more money than I do.

But like, I mean, I guess in apples and orange, it's not apples and oranges.

It's apples and like pears.

And they go, and like, well, it's not like, it's not like I have no money.

No.

But like, I, but like, I go, they go, but how, like,

How can I go?

Well, Tom knows how much money.

I go, Tom's aware of how much money he has coming in and how much money he has going out every month.

I have no idea how much money I have coming in, how much money I have going out.

So what I do is I just don't spend because I'm terrified all the time.

So I live in a place of fear because I don't want to deal with it.

So like, that's where I am.

So I don't spend because I'm terrified that I'm not, I don't have any money coming in that month.

And they're like, you do.

And I was like, I know, but I think if I was more aware of what was.

Coming in, I might spend more.

I got you.

Yeah, I understand.

So a weird way to protect myself, I just keep myself unaware.

Like I was talking, I was talking, I'm getting back on stage

after 11 fucking months of doing, of not doing stand-up, starting to do shows.

And I did Oxnard last week.

And

I have a joke.

I have a joke.

I don't know what the joke is really per se, but in it, it's that Leanne has always bought our cars.

Leanne loves cars.

She loves cars.

Her dad's a mechanic.

She's really into cars.

So when we look at cars,

like I run them by Leanne, and then she's like, no, or yes.

Leanne's always been the final decision on every car.

And there was a guy in the audience that couldn't believe it.

He was like, bullshit.

And he was like, what kind of car do you have now?

I'm being serious.

When I had Kurt Bush here, Kurt Bush said, what kind of car do you have?

And I said, the white one.

And he goes, what is it?

I said, it's a Mercedes.

He goes, what kind?

I said, white.

And he went, you really don't know anything about cars.

I know that it's like the, I can tell you how much it costs.

And I know it's the nice nice one, it's the big one, but I S or C, it's an S or a C.

It's not E, but it's the like the big one, but I don't know the number.

Yeah, it's like I really don't know the number.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've seen it.

It's nice.

It's really nice.

Yeah.

I love that car.

I love that car.

And it's a great car.

And it's probably the, I'll have it forever because it's sedan.

It's comfortable.

Yeah.

It's not like too ostentatious.

It's like, but it's a beautiful car.

It's great.

Looks like I sell real estate in fucking Beverly Hills, but whatever.

You look like a Persian guy, but it's.

Yeah, because it's white.

I shouldn't have gotten white.

Yeah.

White's a fucking Persian.

Well, there's one, my next door neighbor's got a white one.

Yeah, no,

builds houses.

Yeah, yeah.

That's that's very that's so funny, though, that your lady tells you this is what we're getting.

I mean, the car she has right now, you've seen her car.

Yeah, the black one.

Yeah, it's red.

Yeah, she that she picked it.

It was for her birthday, and she was like, that's what I want.

I was like, for real?

Can I tell you what I said, Tom?

I go, black?

Like, are you going to, why would you pick the black one?

It's going to be so hot.

She was like, the black one's sexy.

She goes, it doesn't even color.

It's a car.

And I was like, yeah, but like, I color, I care more about the color of my car.

But you like white.

You had a white.

I've always had white cars.

I've always had white cars.

Yeah.

It's like

white cars.

Extension of your racial beliefs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wasn't listening.

God damn it.

What did you say?

Nothing.

No, that's what I'm saying.

It just fits you perfectly.

You had the white truck.

What was the truck?

You had a denali yukon denali that's the last car that is the very last car i purchased i i've only purchased two cars and i they're my probably my two favorite cars i ever owned uh

ford

uh was the expedition yeah ford expedition

and uh and they had the white yukon denali man that white yukon denali that was the shit I remember shit you know why I bought it because I had captain seats in the back it was awesome I was the baddest fucking car oh man I loved that car.

Yeah.

Did you have it for a long time?

I leased it.

I leased it.

And by the way, I could have, you know, I might be in a parallel universe.

If I had never met Leanne, I might be a shrewd businessman.

Yeah.

I think Leanne just took over everything so easily that I was like, great.

Yeah.

Cool.

I'd rather never open an envelope.

I haven't opened mail.

I'm going to be, I'm going to, I'm going to bring Leanne in here.

I'm going to, I'm going to just have Leanne yell it.

I'm going to call her right now.

The last time I opened mail was.

I think you would probably be the same as Bobby Lee.

You both, I think, have the same financial planning.

He's like, I don't know what it is.

I don't know how much the amount.

I've never seen a bill.

I don't open a thing.

I haven't done it in 25 years.

Like, zero, zero awareness.

I would say I haven't opened a piece of mail.

God damn.

I'm going to say, hang on.

Hang on one second.

Don't listen, okay?

Okay.

I haven't opened a piece of mail.

I'm going to guess.

You ready?

Yeah.

In 22 years.

Okay.

Let's see what she says.

Leanne.

Yes.

When was the last time you think I opened a piece of mail?

1993?

That's worse than what I thought.

I was going to say 22 years.

I don't think I've ever opened a piece of mail since I married you.

Oh, I don't think you opened mail before me.

I didn't.

No, I don't think you've opened mail since 1993.

Maybe even before that.

Maybe even ever.

Yeah.

I've never opened mail.

So you just

sit there.

You have lots of gifts and talents.

That's that's not in your wheelhouse.

All right.

I love you.

I'll talk to you later.

I just, it gives me anxiety.

And I think I got myself into a place.

And by the way, let me just say, I've gotten myself into a place where I have regretted not opening mail.

Yeah,

what's something you should have opened?

Taxes.

Oh, the NO's.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I got upside down on taxes when in 2003, new 2004, because I wasn't opening mail.

And that's.

And they're like, here's your tax bill.

And I didn't open it.

And then I had someone call me, say, you know, you owe like $24,000.

And I was like,

how did that happen?

Yeah.

Like, there's a lot of penalties.

And then I ran out of.

No, I've definitely fucked up.

I'm not a good,

like, I've fucked up a lot with money because of my anxieties of male and whatnot.

But the second I met Leanne,

smooth sailing.

That's cool.

It's good that you both have your role in that for sure.

Yeah.

I feel like in my house, it's definitely the other way.

No shit.

Why do you think I found you?

And I don't think Christina's paid a bill in many, many years.

I'm the forefront of changing gender identities.

Gender.

Yeah, there you go.

That's just I am.

If there's any guy out there that feels like they're like me, that they're not really good with money and they're not really good.

They're good at making it, but they're not good with running it.

They spend wildly.

If I knew how much money I had, I might spend crazy.

Yeah.

So I just go, I don't know.

Oh, that's good.

That is good to keep you like this then.

You're right.

If you knew, you might go like, oh, fuck it.

And just go crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's the way to be then.

Yeah, I don't think

I kind of, you know, it's kind of, do you, do you like who you are?

Do I like who I am?

Like, do you wake up and go, I think Tom's cool as shit?

No, I don't, I mean, that's not my inner dialogue.

Definitely not.

What's your inner dialogue when you wake up in the morning?

Honestly, like, the first thing is like, fuck, I'm tired.

I wish I could sleep more.

It's crazy to be tired when you're not hungover.

No, I'm always like, oh, damn, I wish I could sleep more.

I always try to just stay in bed as long as I can, unless I absolutely have to get up.

But I mean,

my point is that I don't stay in bed as long.

You know what I mean?

Like I get up.

So tired.

Then sometimes, you know, you wake up skinny.

So you're like, it's good morning.

And then sometimes you wake up fat.

No, there we go.

Then you wake up and you're like.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Where do you judge that skinny or fat?

I can tell you mine and then you tell me yours.

Ready?

On my walk to the toilet, I'd make a profile look like an Alfred Hitchcock look.

And I can tell if I'm skinny or fat.

And sometimes I don't even fucking look.

Yeah, I mean it's similar.

Mine is that the mirror is in front of me as I'm walking into the bathroom.

So it's straight on.

So it's like, it's like your stomach is like, feels like flat and you're like, oh, it's a good skinny morning.

Boxers feel loose.

Like, oh, this is nice.

And then, yeah, some mornings you go, fuck it, fuck this mirror.

And you just turn that in and pee.

Yeah, dude.

It varies.

It varies day to day, day to day.

Why don't they just make a skinny mirror the way the hotels have them sometimes?

I don't know, dude.

And skinny lights.

You can just make a mirror to make you feel better about yourself.

I a thousand percent agree.

Um, there's no reason for a real mirror, yeah,

just skinny mirrors only.

Yeah, why do we have real mirrors and why do we have accurate scales?

They should all be bullshit.

And cameras we should have scales, we should have scales Tom.

Like when we were kids, when you get on and it would go like this, it would go, it would go.

So you can hop off when you're like, it's down here at 245.

Are you weighing yourself?

Yeah.

How is it?

Not great.

I've gained, I'm too,

I'm 250,

but I'll tell you this.

Yeah.

Like, I put my hands on

the counter when I weigh myself and I ease myself onto the scale and I lower my hands and I let go at 250 and then I hop off at 250.

Okay.

That is insane.

It's not as insane as also what I do.

Sometimes I weigh myself backwards and take a picture of it so I don't know what it is, but I know how heavy I was.

So you don't actually even see it.

So what I'll do is I'll stand backwards and I'll take a picture of it and then...

But you don't look at the picture.

I don't look at the picture until three days later when I feel like I've lost weight.

And then I go, I wonder how much I was.

And then the other day that backfired on me because I took it and it was like 247.

And I was like, I'm going to look at that when I've lost weight.

So I didn't drink for eight days.

And then I got on the scale the other day and I was like, I did the hands thing.

Yeah.

And I was like, okay, 250.

I'm good with that number.

And I was like, I wonder what I was.

I must have been like 257 when I ran the two bears.

And I was like, 247.

What the fuck?

I gained three pounds.

Oh, my God.

But I think it's because I had pizza.

Dude, I got

hold on.

Hang on.

I had cauliflower pizza, but I don't think they use cauliflower.

I think they use bread.

That's not cauliflower pizza.

No, I know.

I know.

But halfway through, I discovered it and I was like, I'll just pretend it's a cauliflower.

And then they had these, my sister goes, they have these great pizza bowls.

And I was like, I think we ordered from a gas station.

It was so bad.

So funny.

And then, and then I got an IV that day.

So I feel like I retained all that water.

Yeah.

And I get two bags.

I get dizzy as shit.

Holy shit, man.

That's

wild.

Yeah, I got a trim down too.

I think I put on like 10 pounds was there a part of the shooting of the um

was there a part of shooting bad thoughts where you were heavier like one sketch where you're heavy yeah yeah what sketch was that what i saw one sketch you looked uh like fatter than the other sketches yeah because i shot it three years ago that's why

yeah yeah that was when i shot the pilot which was there was no deal i just shot it on my own and um yeah it's notable and i kept bringing it up i was like should we make like a comment about it it's that one this it's the coffee one.

It is the coffee one.

Yeah, that one I'm definitely way bigger.

And everyone was like, no.

You know how other people are like, no, what do you mean?

I'm like, you don't think people will notice?

And they're like, no.

I'm like, how can they not notice?

I'm 40 pounds heavier.

And they're like, I don't think anyone will notice.

Was Jinx buy me a Coke written in the script?

Yes.

Okay.

But the last line was improv.

What was that?

Which one?

Which one?

The last line is,

she goes, you killed three people.

I go, I know I'm exhausted.

And then I go, I don't know how you guys do it.

Yeah, that was

crazy.

Yeah.

Well, shit, dude.

Congratulations on bad thoughts.

Thanks, bro.

It's fucking awesome.

I'm so happy for you.

I'm so happy.

You've watched me succeed so often.

It's so nice to see you succeed.

Thank you.

And it's just really a treat to be on your side of the fence and just really watch you shine.

Thanks, man.

I know.

You must be just filled with joy.

Good luck holding out on drinking on this flight.

I hope you can make it.

Just let go.

Let go.

Okay, let go.

All right.

Let it go.

Eight days is good.

Eight days is a long time.

Eight days is a long time.

And then if I don't drink a couple times in Hawaii,

you're back on, you're just on it.

Yeah.

And then if I don't drink, yeah.

So it's just all you got to do is a little bit.

You know, Tom, let me tell you something.

If you're listening right now and you're thinking about quit drinking, don't.

Here's no, hold on.

Here's the theory.

Here's the deal.

Just do better today.

than you did yesterday.

That's it.

That's all you got to do.

Do better today than you did yesterday.

And if you have, if you get out of control today, realize you got an easier day coming tomorrow.

That's all you got to live your life.

Can I give you the other hint?

This is what Leanne did.

If you're having a hard time on social media and you're on social media a lot, right?

And you're like, fuck, I wish I could stop it.

You know what Leanne's had me do?

What?

I'm allowed 10 minutes.

And when my timer comes up, whatever I was just watching, I got to write a joke about.

Oh,

yeah.

It's pretty awesome.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, thanks.

Thank you guys for watching and listening.

And please check out Bad Thoughts.

It's on Netflix.

Please tell your friends.

And yeah, thank you guys.

Check out Lucky streaming on Netflix right now.

Permission to Party World Tour starts in September.

We're in Rockford, Illinois.

I will see you there.

We're hitting Red Rocks October 1st.

What else, Tommy?

Yeah, tour dates, tomskira.com slash tour.

I got a full fall schedule and super.

And if you were ever wondering if Tom casually used the phrase come a little bit in his tour titles and where does this come from?

Check out bad thoughts.

Tom thinks about come a lot.

Yeah, I guess it's on my mind.

Thanks, man.

Love you.

Have a good trip to Hawaii.

Bye.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.

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