The One With The 'Friends' Episode No One's Heard Before

Today,

in 2013,

I did the vulnerability.

Video, like,

obtain Wi-Fi in Mazuin with local con ATNT Fiber with O-Fi.

ATNT connected the change.

ATNT Fiber has limited the queen service that cover Wi-Fi extended ATNT concerns.

We are recreating your favorite sitcom, a long-lost episode of your favorite sitcom.

If you would like to watch it, or if you'd like a whole bunch of other bonus content, head over to the Auntie Donna Club, which is our Patreon, auntie auntydonnerclub.com otherwise please enjoy the episode

you're listening to the auntie donner podcast the greatest fucking podcast in the world rolling like a tack and sometimes a guest we hope you enjoyed the motherfucking podcast hello and welcome to a very special episode of the auntie donner podcast today

um not yet not yet

oh oh is that going to be like background music oh yeah a little bit just down a little bit.

Is that legally?

Okay, I guess it's been distorted enough because you're just playing it through your laptop.

Yeah, not even through the ox chord.

Today,

Auntie Donna, through the power of improvisation, will be recreating an entire episode, new episode, of the television program Friends.

Friends hasn't been on air for over 10,

something like 10 to 20 years.

but today you will get to listen to a brand new episode just like it was still on the television

we'll be doing that through improv

and that's it

the way we'll be doing this episode is each member of auntie donner will be taking on the role of two

of the friends each

as well as any supporting characters like the blonde man who runs the coffee shop or the shrill lady that dated Ross for a time.

A warning or a sort of caveat, if you will.

I have not seen Friends in well over 10 years.

I watched it casually when I was on television, but I haven't seen it since.

Broden?

I've not watched an episode of Friends.

Ever?

No.

Oh, I believe you've watched Shorty.

I've seen it around, but I've not watched it.

I don't, I know, I don't know, I know there's the two guys and the two girls and the silly one.

Yep, great.

And Ross, is Ross David Schwimmer?

Yes.

Jennifer Aniston is who?

Rachel?

Rachel.

And then that would mean

the

Monica.

I don't know.

Courtney Cox.

Courtney Cox.

And then Lisa.

Is this illegit?

Yeah, no, I've not watched an episode.

No, this is short.

I swear to God.

That's fantastic.

Mark.

So I have a complicated relationship with friends.

Yeah.

I've never been at.

Which ones?

Well.

I'm so sorry.

I just want to apologise if my question was unclear.

I don't believe I said I wanted your life story.

I've seen some episodes.

Let's go.

No, no, let's go.

Let's go in.

What your life story.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

It's totally fine.

You've watched Friends the Most Out of Us because you love it.

Sure.

You've fucked it.

I've created an energy.

I've just stand me in the R.

You've created a bad energy for improv, and I own it.

And I just want to ask you, Mark, what can I do?

What can I do, Mark?

Look at me, Mark.

Get this back on track.

Look at me, Mark.

Mark, look at me.

Don't take to heart what he said.

Comedically, it was the right button to press.

I know.

I just don't want to tell my stupid story anymore.

I get it, and I get it.

And I respect that.

You're a smart man sure you know that at that moment that was the show it was i know i was the gag to go for i am

i know that it was the wrong move in the long run i can see that it was short-term short-term gain for long-term pain because i do want to hear your life story mark i just wanted to do the joke first

So what we're going to do is

I'm not going to impose anything on you.

What can I do to get this back on track, get the good vibes flowing, so we can do the best episode of Friends possible?

It started in Sicily, yes?

It started in Sicily.

Yes?

Let's just do it.

Let's just go.

It's fine.

But you've watched Friends.

You had an ex who liked Friends, but you haven't watched it for maybe 10 years as well?

No, no, I've seen it recently.

Oh.

Mark has watched Friends recently.

And

you feel fine about it.

I feel fine about it.

One observation that I had about it is that Lisa Kudrow is genuinely very, very funny.

I was very

funny in that show.

Makes me laugh a lot, but nothing else does.

I was talking about this the other day on the Mission Zach podcast.

I'm going through a real Lisa Kudrow elevating above the rest moment, right?

Amazing.

Like, I never, it is one of the things that's one thing I never noticed about that show before is just how phenomenal she is.

And how everyone else is struggling to keep up.

Yeah.

Because they're all actors.

So, anyone want to play anyone in particular?

I'll give you one.

You can choose one if you want.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Mark, do you have anyone you think you could do a ripper job of?

Probably Joey because he's Italian.

Well, Mark, you'll be Joey and Monica.

Great.

Broden, Kelly

will be

Chandler and Rachel.

Who's Chandler?

Chandler's the funny one.

He's in-world funny.

He loves to crack sarcastic jokes.

Who plays him?

No, Broden.

You know who plays him?

I know I do, but I didn't.

Now I do.

You knew who I was playing.

I didn't.

I thought it could have been the guy, the guy from

who got gray hair.

The guy with grey hair.

That's Joey.

You know who Jerry?

I swear to fuck.

I know who Matthew Perry is, but I didn't know he was played by Matthew Perry.

I swear now I know

Rachel.

Courtney Cox?

No.

Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Anniston.

Greek heritage.

Yes.

And she has a iconic haircut and she goes, ah, Windows.

Ah, is that right?

Yeah, that's okay.

Windows 97.

Ah!

And she plays a predator in horrible bosses, yes?

Yes.

Now, I then, that leaves, I, of course, will be playing the role of Ross,

the archaeologist.

Is there six of them?

Yes, there's six of them.

No, there's not.

Six, I swear to fuck.

I almost thought there was five.

So Ross is the oaf?

No, Joey and Ray.

Joey and Phoebe are the oafs.

They share oath duties.

Yeah.

But then Ross is a fucking archaeologist.

Ross is sort of the

lovelorn.

Did you say Ross?

Ross.

Ross is the...

He's a, you know, he's always in and out of love.

Love is is a big thing, but relationships is a big thing for him, and he's funny because he's a sook.

Relationships is a big thing for him.

Yeah, like it's always his love life that's the thing that's causing him complications.

He's about copping roots and get laid.

No, no, see, Joey's more the one that goes out there and fucks his, busts his nut and tons of women across all of New York City.

The hell is he an archaeologist in New York City?

He's a paleontologist.

Paleontologist, thank you, Lindsay, the only person remotely involved in what we're about to do that is familiar.

Dinosaurs.

He lectures at NYU

or a different university in the...

He's a university lecturer.

Yeah.

All right.

Also, I will be playing Phoebe

Wallabridge.

Phoebe Wallabridge.

In

The Hamster Show.

Nice.

No, I'll be playing Phoebe, who, Broden, is the Dharma.

Think Dharma and Greg, she's Dharma.

I do not believe you're as ignorant as you are.

I swear to you, fuck, the only memory I have of this show, I've never watched it, is there was I saw on telly, like when I'm eight, I remember Matthew Perry looking sad through rain in a window, but it was actually like an inbuilt sort of water thing in their house they had.

That's cute.

All I remember.

Do you have any questions about Chandler and Rachel?

Yeah, what are they?

Rachel,

fuck, what does she do for work?

I know Monica's a chef.

Yeah, Monica's a chef.

And Monica,

Rachel's just like an assistant.

Rachel, like, works.

She's working her way up in kind of the corporate ladder world, I believe.

Sort of like a succession-type character, like a Sarah Snook in succession.

I will know.

More like she's

she starts as a shit kicker, but I can't remember if she's just a shit kicker her whole life.

Is it core?

no no she is right she ross loves her but yeah but her character isn't completely connected to that i guess she no it's pretty bare bones

her character is just like oh and this is jennifer and she's kind of there she's just kind of there

realizing how little she's just kind of there hang on jennifer anderson's not the chef she's kind of the everyman

monica is the chef i would say that rachel's like the everyman

Yeah.

She's the window in.

Yeah.

But even then, she doesn't do a lot of that.

They all live in the same house.

No, they're across the hall.

Well, some

Monica and Rachel live in an apartment together.

And across the hall from them, Chandler and Joey live in an apartment together.

Ross lives in his own place and Phoebe lives in her own place.

And we see those faces when the budget goes up?

Yes.

And then at some point they switch apartments

chandler starts fucking moniker at one point

so so this is this is the next layer i'll add before we record right and and your expertise here is going to help me i'm the expert i feel deep deep anxiety about this

like i don't know anything and like our audience come for the best it's going to be okay and i'm going to i'm going to go for a really hard marketing push here of like this is to friends fans this is your opportunity I don't know.

One more episode of Friends.

Oh, no.

Something you thought was impossible after the day.

Is it set?

Is it set?

This is the next conversation.

So once Mark's, Broden's on board with Rachel.

Chandler's a funny one.

He's cracking jokes.

He's funny in World.

I can't remember what he does for a job.

Maybe something boring like insurance or some shit.

But he just cracks jokes.

But we don't hear the jokes.

We don't, we rarely acknowledge the jokes, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, we, yeah.

We don't hear the jokes.

No, like we're not, you're making jokes at us

which the audience finds funny but that we're don't we don't really oh we like the dynamic of us is that i'm always the ones that the audience love but you never laugh at yes exactly that yeah but imagine there's no audience in world

imagine so we're having a conversation um i say something silly and you don't sell it to us You just say it to the ether,

pause for a beat, and then we carry carry on.

We never acknowledge it.

Is that a fair assessment of yeah, yeah, I would say so.

I would say so.

I don't really know.

For someone who's seen it as much as I have,

don't know that much about it.

I don't recall much, but we'll go.

I believe, Mark, this is a late season episode.

We're going to keep it vague to its exact specifics, but I'm putting it in the last season or so.

All right, so then that means Rachel has a baby with Ross,

but is not with Ross.

They're not together.

Ross is married to...

Who am I?

You're Rachel and Chandler.

You're Rachel and Chandler.

You are Rachel and Chandler.

You're the...

I'm going to know.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

You're the woman that has barely any character.

But she has a great haircut.

I could be wrong there.

I'm sure there are Friends fans who are just tearing their hair out right now.

Lindsay, you have the...

Can I give Lindsay the right to to just interject from time to time?

Yeah.

If we're getting it

right.

Right.

Say, great job.

Great job.

Okay.

Brutal.

Oh,

great job.

Great job.

I disagree with Rachel, but that's not the same thing.

No, but please explain because I don't know.

I don't know.

I think Rachel has the best character development in the series because she starts as working as in the coffee shop just pouring coffee.

Oh, that's right.

For Gunther.

She ends up

coming to paris to work for louis vuitton right but then sort of like devil wears prider yeah yeah so over 10 seasons she goes from working a coffee

character development or is that just a character just getting a good job how would she react to a situation she'd be like oh yeah

like that that's what she does she's like oh i feel like that's just career progression

maybe it is who is she

at her core is she like sassy no Without saying what she looks like or what she does for a living, explain to me, Lindsay, Rachel's character.

There you go.

Great.

And that's fine.

There's nothing wrong with that.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Some people are their job.

Some people are their job.

And some people weren't,

you know, thought about when the character was being created.

Imagine them.

Playing no character and getting $90 million an episode or whatever.

A million.

90 million?

A million an episode.

Towards the end.

That's not that much.

Odds are light.

When you're doing 22 seasons, I'm talking 22 episodes.

FIFI fee fee level.

Is that fee-fee-fee?

They did.

They had to make in the later seasons episodes got longer so they could do more ad space so they could pay their fees.

Fun fact.

So, Rachel.

I can fold that in.

Rachel is pregnant.

Has a baby.

She has a baby.

She has Ross's baby, but they are not together.

Is this good?

Is this good, this, or should we just get into it?

We do need just this little bit of setup of who's fucking.

You just gotta know where you are and who you are.

Yeah, because Chandler, your other character, Broden, is married to Monica,

who is Ross's sister, by the way.

Ross and Monica

are brother and sister.

And Monica used to be fat.

Her character is that she used to be fat and now she's a chef.

And it's pretty thin, other than that.

With the exception of that, I couldn't really tell you

what

her character she is.

She loves her.

She's got OCD.

She's fastidious.

She's got OCD.

But that's for Monica.

Monica and Joey are married.

I thought Monica and Chandler were...

No, I said Monica and Chandler.

I thought you said Monica and Joey.

If I did, I fucking apologize.

Because I remember thinking, whoa.

No, Joey, towards, I think, in this season, there's a moment where Joey's like, I think I'm in love with Rachel because I think Rachel has moved in to Joey's apartment.

I don't know.

Chandler has moved in with Monica into their apartment.

I do not care.

And Joey's like, oh, no, I think I have feelings for Rachel.

But Ross is married to a different woman.

I don't.

Oh, fuck.

So we're and now this is the last.

Last detail.

Phoebe's, I think, is dating Paul Rudd.

Phoebe is dating Paul Rudd.

Last detail, Mark.

Last detail before we improv this.

Yeah.

I should have made it earlier season when the characters were a little less comfortable.

But that's okay.

Where is everyone living at this point?

Oh, God.

Yes.

Oh, God.

Chandler and Monica are living together in Monica and Rachel's old apartment.

I believe, I think, I think Rachel is living with Joey with her baby in Joey and Chandler's old apartment.

Boss, I think, is in the same house he's always been in, maybe with his wife, maybe not.

And I don't know if Phoebe is living with Paul Rudd or not.

Where's Chandler living now?

Chandler's with Monica in Monica and Rachel's old.

Oh, man.

I said that.

I said that.

And here is.

Oh, God.

Should we have a cold open?

Did they do a cold open?

We should pitch at least the episode premise.

Because they're always called the one where

blah, blah, blah.

So maybe this is the one where everyone figures out where they're living.

Or the one where

an old friend comes to New York City.

Great.

Didn't it cold open?

Yeah, let's do a cold open.

Did it do cold opens?

I don't remember.

I don't know.

We're at the coffee shop.

Mark, you're also playing Gunther.

Great.

And let's go.

Hey, Rachel.

Gunther.

So, Gunther is in love with Rachel.

Hi.

Hey, did you want

your coffee?

Did you want your coffee?

Remember how you used to work here?

Are you still moving to Paris?

Yeah.

You know how your character has developed to working at Louis Vuitton?

Is that the goal over?

We got about 40 minutes, bro,

to afford the billion dollars.

Man, this has fallen apart.

I think it's gone pretty good, Gunther.

All right, here we go.

Where are we?

We will say, we won't do big prim, but we will say where we are.

We're in Ross's apartment, and he's fastidiously tidying.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Monica.

Am I Ross?

No, he's Ross.

I'm Ross.

Am I?

You're Rachel and Chandler.

Oh, no.

I have to clean my apartment before my fastidious sister Modica comes to my house.

My teeth are as bright as the stars.

I must fastidiously clean my apartment, or else Monica, who used to be fat, will be upset with me.

Ding-dong.

Oh, here she is.

I'm Rachel.

He's Rachel.

You're Monica.

I'm Monica.

Hey, Ross.

Hey, Monica.

Congratulations on keeping the weight off.

Thank you.

It's hard as a chef.

I cook and I cook all day and I want to eat it and get my ass fat like it used to.

But I don't.

I fucking Chandler, your best friend.

Humph, humph.

Oh, I'm so sad, Monica.

Can I share something with you?

Yes.

The love of my life, Rachel.

She keeps bothering me about our baby.

But you're married.

You're married.

I know, but and I don't love Rachel anymore.

but my baby!

She has my baby living in that apartment across from you.

Oh, another at the door, let's open it.

How you doing?

Oh, Joey, this is my sister Monica.

Yeah, yeah, Ross, I know.

We've been friends for Liverpool Gravecross Road from

the apartment from each other

for many a year.

Oh, Joey, I forgot you were Italian.

And an actor.

Hey, I gotta go.

I got his audition to do.

What's the audition about, my friend Joey?

Um, gee, it's for some movie where the bullets come flying at you and you gotta move real slow to get out of their way.

But you're moving fast, but on the screen, it looks like you're moving slow.

I don't know, some hawkahooe.

Wait a second, Joey.

When time is your audition?

It's at 8 a.m.

But didn't you have a coffee date with that beautiful girl at 8:20?

Oh, shees.

What we've done there is we've set up the B-plot.

Damn, what am I going to do?

I know.

Maybe I'll take her to the audition.

Maybe I'll take her to the audition.

Say it's a date.

You don't want any danger feeling better.

No, no, no, what's up?

I don't know what's happening.

No, no, no, what's up?

Meanwhile, at Monica and Chandler's house, formerly Monica and Joey's house, Chandler and

Chandler and Phoebe.

How do you do?

I am the comedic man.

Oh, I've done some drugs.

Maybe you should.

Maybe you be careful.

Could I ask you a question?

I don't know why I do it in these Russian accents.

I don't know.

Can I ask you a question, my friend Ross?

No, my friend Chandler.

Yes.

I have written a song.

Can I play it for you?

Yes.

Here we go.

Jing, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Shmelecat, shmelle

I wouldn't quit your day job.

Oh, someone at the door.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi, Joey.

Hey, I got a problemo.

I need help with it.

Gabbago.

What is your problem with Joey?

Well, I've got this uh audition with the uh Wachowskis or something like that.

I don't know.

And uh that sounds like the Matrix.

And I got your biggest audition yet.

Usually you audition for advertisement and for uh television shows.

It's true, it's true.

But my uh

my manager, uh Stell or something,

I got this girl, I'm in love with her, you know, and I got I don't know what I'm gonna do, I got the audition, I got the day, what do I do?

Uh ma fungoor.

I've got an idea, Joey.

I've got an idea, Joey.

What if uh I uh bump into her, pretend to be an old friend and distract her for the time it takes for you to um finish your audition and at which point you will arrive and she will have been distracted by me having pretended to be an old friend of hers and then when you arrive

you can continue your date at that point.

Okay, that sounds like a plan.

I slip on the poo.

I slipped on the poo.

Chandler might say something about Joey slipping on a poo.

Because he's the hoaf, he's the hoaf, so he needs to fall over and get get you should not be you should be more careful with your footing do like a cracker joke about it like uh um

chandler would oh he went ice he went ice i've seen frozen but this frozen on ice but this is ridiculous that's maybe you should

maybe you should or

yeah

i know you're auditioning for the matrix but maybe you should consider the matrix on ice

okay joey i'll go to the coffee shop i'll go to the coffee shop to distract your girlfriend good luck with your audition go to the audition.

Gee, I hope I do okay.

Hello, I am Rachel.

Now, Rachel and Chandler may be having a little scene.

Whilst coming from a privileged upbringing, I have a sense of rebellion.

On my wedding day, I realize that

life has been plenty.

I'm a pilot.

This is nine years later.

I'm independent, determined, fashionable, and loyal.

Romantic.

Good.

Now, did you just Google this?

I put in Gemini.

Gemini.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

Anyway, let's see Rachel and Chandler having.

Is that alright if I direct?

Yeah.

Let's see Rachel and Chandler having a little conversation and we're going to set up the A plot here, which is about...

Me playing both of them.

Yeah.

And we're going to set up the A plot here, which is something to do with Rachel and Ross, the fact that they still love each other, but they can't stand it.

And even though you...

You were on a break, but it was crook what he did.

Who?

Ross.

You were on a break.

but still it was crook.

And

maybe something silly, like he doesn't like the clothes you're putting the baby in if she's fashionable.

Is that something funny?

Yeah, maybe you're dressing it.

I don't know.

Maybe you're dressing it like a clown.

Okay.

I've been dressing my baby.

We can do the scene now.

I've been dressing my baby as a clown.

You're loyal, remember.

You're loyal, remember?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

You're the

um, you're the clown.

That's you're You're the clown.

Ah, yes.

I am in a relation.

Ross did something crook, and I'm against it.

Good, yeah, yeah, good.

Keep it rolling, though.

It's punchy.

Come in.

How you doing?

Hey, Joey.

Oh, I've got to go.

I just wanted to say, how you doing?

And then Chandler would say, you just got here.

Good, yeah.

All right.

Meanwhile,

meanwhile, at the place where Chandler is aware of it.

I'm really sorry.

That's okay.

You're doing really well.

You're doing really well.

Meanwhile, at the place where Chandler is auditioning.

Next!

Chandler's auditioning.

I mean, Joey, Joey.

Next.

Hey,

my name's George Ribiani.

I'm,

you know, I'm an actor.

What do you know?

No.

Oh, okay.

Just a quick note.

The director was running a little late.

We have to push your audition back to 9 a.m.

Hey, but I'm here now.

I know the lines.

I learned my lines.

Let me do it for you quick.

We'll get to that.

But Brad,

Keanu Reeves is about to audition.

Late season.

We're going to have a Keanu Reeves key now.

Well, how about I give you the finger and you give me my audition?

And then

that's one of the lines.

But it's...

You give me my phone call.

From the Matrix.

You don't know he's auditioning from The Matrix.

Sir, you're going to have to wait till 9 a.m.

Oh, look, it's it's Keoni Reeves.

Woo!

Whoa.

Whoa.

That's going to be a hard act to follow.

There's nothing he can't do, I can't do.

Well, you've got point break over here.

I'm point

meatball sub.

Meanwhile, at the coffee shop, which one of you wants to play the girl that he's going on a date with?

Which one of you wants to play the girl?

I can play the girl.

Meanwhile, at the coffee shop.

And then

who are you?

Rachel?

Rachel and Phoebe are standing back while a girl waits for Joey.

I don't know if this is the right thing to do to distract her.

Yes, you're so right.

I don't know why I'm doing the Russian accent.

Should I just drop the Russian accent?

Try it without.

Okay.

Hey there.

I'm an American.

I don't know where I'm going to do with this.

I just hope that Joey arrives by 8:20, 8:30, like he said he would.

Yeah.

Here I go.

Here, what here goes nothing.

Hold on to my guitar, please, friend.

Okay.

Oh,

Sally?

Huh?

Sally, how are you?

I'm good.

I'm here waiting for Joey.

Oh, who's Joey?

I don't know, Joey.

What the dad?

Did we not go to the same school together?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, that's so interesting.

Can I get you a coffee?

Perhaps I can sing you a very long song.

All right, so she's going to fall in love with Phoebe.

Okay, great.

So what's going to happen?

And then Joey's going to keep getting his audition pushed back.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is actually quite a good episode.

This is a good episode.

That B plot?

The B plot's great.

We haven't figured out the A plot yet.

So

that's happening.

We're going to keep coming back to Joey at his audition place.

Bro, it's as good as any episode of Friends gets.

We're going to keep going back to the audition place.

It keeps getting pushed back.

We might get a bit more with Keanu Reeves because he could do a half day.

It wasn't written that way, but they'll punch it up.

And then we're going to have this girl falling in love with Phoebe and she keeps singing longer and longer songs.

And we're going to come in at the end of the songs.

And the punchline for the B.

I've got the punchline for Joey's B plot as well.

oh great what do i do we have to figure out an a plot between ross and rachel so you need to explain this clown situation or do you want me let's maybe exchange

i got this should we have a ross and rachel scene where are we

uh

rachel and joey's apartment which used to be joey and chandler's and i'll be ross yep knock knock knock knock knock come in i'm here to pick up the baby Oh, yes.

Well, I hope you enjoy this clown, baby.

What?

You have dressed my boy as a clown.

Yes, it's a slide at you to show what your offspring are.

I am the greatest paleontologist in New York City, and you dress him like a clown.

Can I slightly tweak the scene?

Right, please.

So Rachel's dressed him in the newest.

She just got a thing from Louis Vuitton, and she thinks it's really fashionable, but

Ross thinks...

Ross is like, why have we dressed him like clowns?

She's like, it's fashionable.

And then they get into a fight.

Ex-lover,

you see

your insecurities.

You see your insecurities in your own offspring that aren't even there.

This is in, he is dressed in the finest of Louis Vuitton, and yet you look at the insecurities because you see yourself and your boy.

I'm a lovelorn paleontologist, born and raised in New York City.

What I see in front of me is a child dressed as a clown.

Yes, the clown clothing is made with fine leather and beautiful craftsmanship, but nonetheless, he looks a clown to me.

You will speak.

That's fucking amazing.

You fear a leather-bound boy.

What you truly fear is what you're digging for in the earth.

You say you look for bones, but what you look for is self-approval.

Rachel, what is with all of this assessment?

You know, this is why we went on the break in the first place.

Why I fucked another woman while we were on that break.

You understand, you hurt me with these words.

I mean to speak ponyans at you, good sir.

You have dressed.

And every word should stab, stab through your heart.

And they do for your actions.

I have seen, I have seen, and let me tell you, I have seen the bones of dinosaurs with more vigor, more life than you.

I hate you, Rachel.

I hate everything about you.

I love my wife.

I do not love you.

And I think you have dressed my child like a fool.

And then they kiss.

Kiss.

Ad break.

Then they kiss.

Ad break.

Yeah.

Fuck.

That was good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck.

And now that's a good episode of Friends.

This is a very good episode.

I'm making a good episode of Friends.

Now to the listener.

That's the TikTok right there.

Now to the listener.

I know what you're thinking.

There's a bit of the dialogue's a bit weird.

It's a bit weird that both Phoebe and Ross have Russian access.

Yes, these are some kicks, but that's a sneak peek into the writer's room.

Look beyond that.

Think of the structure.

Think of the joke.

The story, the character development.

You would be enjoying this episode if it was written by the writers that know the words of the characters, if it was performed by the beautiful cast that you know and love.

Yes.

A good episode of Friends this is.

I think that's the name of the episode.

And that's it.

No, no, no, no.

We've got to wrap this up.

We've got the B plot to wrap up.

Is it a sitcom where the kiss would be fulfilled and be resolved back to zero?

At this point, they're going to leave that one.

Yeah, that's a cliffhanger.

That's a cliffhanger.

Yeah, that's the resolution of the A-plot.

We reserved the episode.

So we reserved...

That is the final.

In fact, in a rewrite, I would move this to the end of the episode.

Yeah, not often is the A-plot fully conceived and executed in one scene at the end of the episode.

It's often not the structure

of sitcom.

But I don't watch this show, but I imagine the B-plot is resolved over the credits.

Yeah, yeah, but yeah, there's a, yeah, yes, yeah, absolutely.

So, so, what we've got to do now is we've got to do one more scene at the audition,

one more scene with Phoebe and

Sally, Sally, and then one final scene over the credits.

Well, yeah, well, then I think Joey just comes into the coffee shop and he delivers.

So, we're going to do these scenes.

Do it.

So, back to the rehearsal studio.

Yeah, and so it's now 10.30.

It's 10:30, but Joey is auditioning.

I would say he's gotten into it.

He's auditioning alongside Keanu Reeves for this for this role.

Yeah, good.

Could you do Keanu?

Hey, yeah.

Alright.

So,

can you do the auditioner?

Yeah.

Hey.

So, yeah, what do you want to just read these lines here?

What do you want?

Yes, just read the lines, please.

That is how the Wachowskis have asked me to film this tape.

All right, I'll try.

I know Kung Fu.

Wow, that's some bad acting.

Maybe play it a little more subtly.

I know Kung Fu?

Oh, that's not good either.

It's subtle.

Yeah?

Joey, thank you for coming in.

Listen, tomorrow I have

an audition for an ad about underpants for people for people that wet themselves.

Perhaps you can come in for that.

I'd love to.

Hey, I'd love to come in for that, too.

Big laugh for Keanu.

Great, big laugh.

Great ending for Keanu there.

So, obviously, and to set this all up, obviously

he has been auditioning for the Matrix.

Keanu's come in.

That's going to be important for the punchline.

Okay, sure, sure, sure.

And now, meanwhile, at the coffee shop, Phoebe is wrapping up what we can see is a very long song, but other people at the cafe are listening, including Gunther.

And she goes,

and that's the store, that's the entire list of every single type of

cheese.

Oh my god, you're so beautiful.

Yeah, that's the best two-hour song I've ever written.

Oh, I'm Russian, aren't I?

That's the best two-hour song I've ever written.

I want to stay with you for some hour.

I don't think I've been loving you.

Oh, no, she loved with me.

Oh, but.

Joey walks in.

I think I got it.

You think you got it?

This is a good show.

Yeah.

Is that the punchline?

Oh, for the Matrix.

He comes out of that thinking he did a great audition that he's going to get the role of Neo.

But he won't.

Visually, it would make sense.

And then, who else was I playing?

I was playing Ross.

And then, no, I'm not Ross.

Can Monica come in and say, Oh, yeah, Monica hasn't done a lot this episode.

So, Monica comes in and she goes, Guys,

I just saw Rachel and Ross make like something like that.

Guys,

oh no.

What is it, my friend Monica?

I told you.

You used to be fat.

And I'm very...

I'm clean.

I just saw Ross and Rachel kiss.

Oh, no.

To be continued.

Can I just say

quite genuinely?

Quite genuinely.

Give me another couple of days in the writer's room.

Quite genuinely.

If you broke that A-plot up across the whole episode,

quite genuinely, I think we just beat out a pretty good friend.

The bones are there.

The bones are there.

Pretty funny.

Ross likes bones.

Ross loves bones.

And he loves bone and chicksy loves.

Sure, don't we?

Don't we?

Broden, how did you feel with that introduction to friends?

I think I might go home, chuck it on, and kick back and have a few laughs.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

If you would like us to recreate more of your favorite television programs,

right in.

Cool, like, great.

That's awesome for you.

We might, we might not.

I don't know.

Yeah.

We don't really do what you want us to do.

But, you know, we'll hear, we'll hear it.

Oh, yeah.

If you want to tell us, sure.

I wasn't intending on inviting you.

I was just saying.

Why did you bring that up?

I just thought, if you want that, that's good to know.

That's sick.

That's cool.

Yeah.

But good for you.

All right.

And

I just want to say a huge thank thank you to

the Russian Embassy of Australia for sponsoring this podcast.

Oh, that was subtle.

That's the reveal of why I made the three characters Russian.

Shut that down.

Yeah, probably.

Look, that's not true.

What it was is I accidentally did a Russian accent and then I just stuck to the bit.

Mark, thank you so much.

Great, Joey.

Thank you.

I didn't think of the Italian layer.

I was really thinking you'd play him sexy and dumb.

To play him Italian was a really interesting choice.

I i thought he was playing it sexy oh yes yes yes thank you uh broden i just want to say your work as uh rachel was you brought a depth to the character i was not expecting yeah thank you

and your russian stuff was good the russian stuff was confusing

it was good but it was but you know i think clearly Much like Ross, who ended up directing episodes of Friends, you approached this with the mind of a writer and a director.

That's good enough.

You helped form.

Band of Brothers.

Yes.

And you were able to recognize the good ideas from the bad in what ended up in

quite genuinely

quite genuinely being a plot that, you know, you could have thrown out there during a season eight or nine.

She's put him into fashion.

It's a funny joke about fashion.

I think he looks like a clown.

It's like, no, he's cute.

Clearly looks like a clown.

Clearly looks like a clown.

and then they get into a fight great cameo great celebrity cameo yeah great they loved that they loved that celebrity celebrity uh cameo

great fun great larry such a phoebe plot great to be like old distract the girl but then the girl falls in love with phoebe and the long song i thought that was a really strong fairy phoebe uh and joey i also loved the new location indicating it was a later season you wouldn't be introducing an audition you know in an early season really good stuff kind of the best we've ever done.

Ever needs to go.

Oh, you need to go.

Well, you can head off.

We're going to keep chatting about this.

Because I think that's the best thing we've ever done.

And maybe we should write it as a spec script.

Yeah.

All right.

That'd be great.

Said that to Hollywood.

See you later, guys.

See you, brother.

It's been real.

What else did you like about writing an episode of Fred?

I really enjoyed taking classic characters that we all know and love and trying to breathe new life into them.

That to me is the most exciting

thing to do with a spec script like that.

Because I wasn't expecting a spec script.

Like what I was expecting, because we're strong performers

and improvisers, I was expecting sort of silliness, maybe something more absurd.

Yes.

But what I found was while the characters were lacking and while I was obviously doing a Russian accent less deliberately than maybe you would than you would believe.

Yes.

Yes.

What I think we did find was a really strong structure.

And I really believe that.

Lindsay, I'd love your thoughts as a friends fan.

Do you think we sort of nailed that structure?

Yeah, I think that could pass for a good episode.

Yeah, well, a good episode is even better.

I was thinking like a one in the middle, but you think that's a good, that's, I think the Rachel dressing the baby, that's very, we found Rachel.

We totally found Rachel.

And Ross having a problem with that.

I would have liked to have heard more from Monica, but you just get some episodes sometimes where people aren't doing much.

Six characters, it's 20, you you know, 22 minutes, half an hour at most.

And I think if we were in a writer's room, we would bump up Monica.

I think you would get Monica, would be involved in more of the scenes.

Maybe Monica would be the first person to notice the baby outfit.

Because I think you would do that.

You'd probably do a C-plot with Monica and Chandler, you know, because Chandler wasn't in it a lot either.

Maybe Monica, maybe Rachel is.

The holes are starting to reveal themselves.

But this is all stuff.

You put in later, right?

So I think you would have Rachel go, oh, this is my new outfit.

And Monica and Ross don't say anything.

Yeah, yeah, and then as Rachel leaves, you'd have Ross, not Monica and Ross, Monica and Chandler.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd have Chandler go, um,

that baby looked like a clown, yeah, yeah, and Monica would be like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then,

yeah, and then they'd be like, do you think Ross will have a problem with that?

And

I don't think he'll notice, I don't think he'll notice,

yeah, and then cut to he looks like a clown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's Ross, that's Ross's inability to read the room, absolutely yeah because i think that's a really strong ross moment there everyone else has left it unset

that's really the trick there everyone else other people have noticed the clown did that baby look like a clown yeah bam banana the banana

everyone else has noticed the clown oh yeah and then this is actually maybe something you would do uh on top of the i think i got it actually so funny

it's so perfect

Because on top of

Oblivious Rachel, the dressing of John.

Because what you'd also have, right?

You've had this Ross moment of him saying it, being a prick about it.

Yeah.

Right?

Because it's also about him being a prick about it.

But then he's got the baby now.

Yeah.

They kiss.

Oh my God.

Right.

That happens.

And then he's like, what am I going to do?

Then he comes in at the end of the episode.

He comes in at the end of the episode.

Phoebe's there having sung.

Everyone's gathered around.

The,

you know, cut the 2B continued thing.

He comes in, and Phoebe goes, oh, I love that clown costume.

Yeah.

Because then you've got a Phoebe moment.

She's equally

tactless as Ross, but she does it from a place of positivity.

She doesn't even think it was unintentional.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And are we feeling good about the B-block?

Yeah, I love it.

I think Joey going to audition for a film that clearly everybody knows Keanu Reeves got the part for.

Yeah.

Flubbing it, but then at the end of it walking out being like,

I think I'm going to get it.

That's great.

That's a great little, you know, he's feeling, you know, and then you never have to touch it again because we all know what happens.

Yeah, and I think

with Keanu, it's a good cameo for Keanu.

Yeah.

He's the sort of guy that you probably, he's not, he maybe doesn't have the comedic chops to make him a character.

He's much better in a cameo role.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I could really see him in a later season.

Absolutely.

Amazing that he never was, unless he was, and I don't know.

The one gap for me, because we were still finding the point of this podcast, and we will wrap up soon.

The one gap for me

is that cold open.

Now that we've gone, done the whole thing, let's go back.

What do you think we're going to do with the cold open there?

Well, I think the cold open has to be Rachel getting the delivery of her new baby.

And maybe it's because, you know what?

Here's what we would change.

It's baby photo day.

Okay.

It's baby photo day.

That's at like the daycare.

No, just like it's they've they've paid for and organized baby photo day.

Does Ross have overbearing parents?

Fuck, I don't know.

Lindsay, does Ross have overbearing parents?

The parents of Monica and Ross.

Very loving, kind.

They really love Ross, but they don't like Monica.

I wouldn't say they're overbearing, though.

They're a bit more aloof.

Yeah, right.

But they're quite like...

Could it be conceivable that they organised this photo shoot?

I could see that.

Because I think maybe they would.

The mums organise the photo shoot.

That's why Ross is taking the baby.

And he's like, you know.

So there's the baby photo shoot.

And is this relevant to the cold open?

Well, I think the cold open is potentially her getting the delivery and dressing the baby and showing Monica and Chandler.

That's where you get that scene.

Oh, I was going to put that later.

I was going to just do like a sort of sketch,

a sketchy cold open, not too much to do with the plot.

I think the friends had more plot-relevant cold open.

Yeah, because that started happening in Seinfeld, but that's because they cut the stand-up.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm thinking more of a

like a Malcolm in the middle.

Yeah, yeah.

I think you're right.

Mark, thank you so much for coming on this journey with me.

Broden had to leave,

but I think what we've done here is really proven ourselves as Hollywood power players.

I'm excited to find a week or two

this year.

I think it will be hard.

We're quite busy putting together the live show.

But if we can find a week or two to write this as a spec script.

And get along to Drem.

I'll come along to Drem for sure.

But if we can find a week or two to make a spec script out of this, I would appreciate that.

I think that could be really good for us.

I think that could be really good for us.

If you want to see that spec script, let us know.

Anything else that we need to cover?

No.

You've been listening to the Auntie Donner podcast.

Thanks for joining us for another rip episode brought to you by Auntie DonorClub.com.

See you next week.