Complicated Grief

Cowboy colostrum takes a primal, whole-body approach to wellness, natural, clean, and built to work with your body, not against it.

Colostrum, we know, is often called liquid gold.

It's the first nutrition we get at birth, packed with immune factors, growth compounds, and nutrients your body still craves today.

Cowboy colostrum uses only the highest quality colostrum, whole first-day milking, never stripped or over-processed, and always ethically harvested after the calf gets their share.

And it's so easy.

You just mix it into your coffee, milk, or smoothie.

I personally love the vanilla in my morning latte.

It tastes so good.

It's more, if you have more of a sweet tooth, the strawberry, which just restocked, tastes like a milkshake.

People swear by this for gut health, hair growth, immunity, and recovery.

I've already noticed a big difference in how I'm feeling day to day.

Unlike other brands, Cowboy Colostrum is never diluted, never spray-dried, and always sourced from grass-fed cows on regenerative U.S.

farms.

No fillers, no junk, just the good stuff.

For a limited time, my listeners get 25% off their entire order.

Just head to cowboycolostrum.com and use code famous at checkout.

That's 25% off and use code famous at cowboycolostrum.com.

After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them.

Please support my show and tell them that I sent you.

Welcome to the shit show.

Things are going to get weird.

It's your fade villain, Kale Lower.

And you're listening to Barely Famous.

This episode is an introduction for me

into the Dead Dad's Club.

Unfortunately, we're glad to have you.

Unfortunately, we're glad.

That is an entire branding campaign.

Unfortunately, we're glad to have you.

Unfortunately, we're happy you're here.

Unfortunately.

Extremely unfortunately.

Before I talk to you guys about how I found out my dad died, the entire enchilada, I want to start this episode off on a positive note.

And it is with a pee story that occurred last night.

Oh, is this why I never got a call?

Yeah.

Okay.

So we were at soccer practice with Lincoln, and on the way home, we have to take a highway.

And it's not just like a regular highway.

It's a highway that has

no exits for the bathroom.

It's a highway that there is hardly a shoulder.

So I want to preface it by saying there is no shoulder for me to pull over and let my son go pee.

Great.

Okay.

Great.

So Creed's like, mom, I have to pee so bad.

And I'm like, can you hold it until I can find an exit?

No, I cannot.

Great.

Pee in this water bottle.

Okay.

He's five.

So he doesn't understand when I say put your entire hang dang in the bottle.

Yep.

So he has it on the brim, on the tip.

Okay.

Okay.

And he's in the back seat.

So in a moving vehicle,

not standing up.

Right, because we can't pull over.

So he, there's several odds stacked against him at this point.

Every single one.

But he was in such a good mood already.

Like, we had been laughing for like the entire evening because he was just in a really good mood.

It was just a good evening.

So, he starts peeing and he starts panicking.

I'm assuming because things are going places.

It's he's about to slip out of said bottle and it just sprays into the front seat all over my nav.

Lincoln looks behind his shoulder, like, what the fuck just hit me?

Only to find out it was his little brother's piss.

So, I'm like trying to reach into the glove box while I'm I'm driving to try to like wipe said pee off.

And then Creed starts to cry because he thinks he's going to get in trouble.

And I'm laughing.

And he's like, why are you laughing?

And I'm like, because only this would happen to us.

Yes.

And so he was like, I thought you were going to yell at me.

I'm like, no, Creed, you can't help it if you have to pee and you can't hold it.

Like you literally can't help it.

So he, we laughed.

We just laughed.

all 30 minutes home.

I would have crashed the car because I would laughing so hard.

It was all over the navigation system.

I didn't need it, thankfully.

And then I like didn't want to touch it because now it's pee.

pee.

And so that was the eventful car ride home from soccer practice the other night.

I'm just wondering, it was Lincoln, okay?

Lincoln was just like, this is another fucking day in paradise.

Like, this is just regular for him.

He never knows what's going to go on.

So, but he's prepared for anything to happen.

If we attempted to play Never Have I Ever with Your Children, I don't know who would be out first.

Because it's all everything has happened to every single child.

Yes, 1000%.

So I am so glad that we could start Dead Dad's Club episode off on a good note.

The bad news is that my dad's dead.

So that's where we're at.

Very fresh for you.

Yeah, today's Thursday.

Dad died Monday.

Yes.

So it's been a cool four days.

And

we were in Salem Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Monday,

we're getting ready to leave the hotel.

And I'm, Elliot's in the shower.

So I'm like, all right, me and Lincoln will go get everything packed up in the car, return the rental car, go to the the airport.

While we're packing up the car, Elliot will come down.

Elliot's not down yet.

Becky is helping me get some stuff together.

And my aunt calls, and I'm like, all right, let me, let me answer.

Cause she, she doesn't really call me.

She'll text me.

So she calls me, I answer.

And

I

don't think she even said like, good morning or anything.

It was your dad passed away.

So he passed away that morning.

And I'm thankful for, and this is going to sound so so fucked up, but like, I'm thankful that he didn't pass away sooner

because it would have ruined our entire trip.

And my kids don't have any sort of attachment, or they don't know him.

They've never met him, not even one time.

So

it would have really just put a damper on the whole trip for them.

And I was really looking forward to spending time with just the two oldest kids.

So I have to get out of the car and I'm just pacing because I'm like, I have not even left the parking lot of this hotel before

and then I call you because I'm like I don't really know where I'm like what am I supposed like I don't know and my aunt saying she doesn't have the money for a funeral and whatever and I don't think he's having a funeral but he was a marine so maybe the marines like maybe the military can help and so it's just like a bunch of moving parts so quickly

it was exactly two Mondays after I saw him yeah met him exactly two Mondays so I saw him on the September 15th and he died on the 29th which that was the second time that you would ever met ever in your entire life.

So that comes, you're not even over that.

Yeah, I'm still processing everything that occurred when I was in Waco to go see him because I know that I was going back and forth about even seeing him and stuff like that.

And then the day that I went to go talk to him with my sister and my aunt, I was driving there with like the fuck you mentality, get to the door.

And then I cry for the entire two-hour visit.

And so I, by the end of it, I know that he said that I was still,

that i still looked mad like at the end of the visit that's what he said he's like you still look mad michaela doesn't look mad but you look mad and i said well i don't want to be mad right like i don't want to be angry but you have to think about this is 30 years of what i thought was a betrayal or i thought like you didn't care about me and just to learn that you tried it's like it's going to take some time for me to process this and really like i don't know i guess come to terms with it But that being said, I thought that I was going to have one more visit in me.

Like I thought I, I would, in him, like I thought I would go down one more time by the end of the year.

So I softened up enough to think about, okay, I might go down one more time before he passes.

So it was like,

and I never got a chance in those two weeks.

He also told me to add him on Facebook to take him off block.

So I did.

And I added him and he didn't add me back.

So that request is just sitting there now.

I didn't get a chance in those two weeks because I was still processing and still am processing like

how I feel about everything.

And so he doesn't know how much peace that visit gave me.

And I wanted to tell him, I thought I was going to have a chance to tell him before he died.

I can't imagine how that feels to be in your shoes.

Yes.

Like something that I say to everybody that like comes to me because I've had a dead dad for a long time.

It's been 13 years.

You're the founder of the Dead Dads Club.

So I've had, he's been gone for a long time.

And people will come and they'll be like, oh, well, you have experienced it, like asking for advice.

And I, and I am a big believer that everyone's circumstances that led them to being in the dead dads club are vastly different.

It was just one thing that makes us all kind of united.

But even that one thing is very different.

Some people have dads like mine that drop dead.

Some of them have long battles with health issues like Becky.

Some of them had estrangement, never speak before they passed away.

Some of them recently reconnected like you.

So

I commend you for wanting to talk about it this fresh because I think that you're going to help somebody.

I hope so.

Big time, especially someone who might be considering reaching out and maybe they have a parent or it doesn't even have to be a parent, anybody in their life, friend, family member, something that they're not as connected with as they want to be for whatever the reasons are.

If you're contemplating going to talk to someone that you're estranged from or you feel like is you're disconnected from, whether it's a family member or a friend, like if you're even contemplating it you should just go do it for the simple fact that like you're contemplating it in the first place yeah my from the time that i went to go see my dad i think it was on the fifth september 15th to the day that he died exactly two mondays i don't know if i got the dates um correct when i was speaking before he was moved from his trailer to a facility like a full-time care facility so when my aunt called me i want to say it was the 29th I think it was the 29th was that Monday that he passed away.

He died in the morning in his sleep.

So so i think he went mostly peacefully and when he when we left he did say that um he didn't think he'd ever see my sister and i in the same room so it was sort of comforting to know that like

he you guys gave that to him yeah i think that what you said in the beginning about how you thought you had another

another time that you would be able to go and and talk to him and you wanted him to know how much peace that conversation brought you

you know i'm not a religious person Yeah.

I don't, like, everybody can believe in what they believe, but I do think that they, I believe in a sense of knowing things.

Like, I don't know how people know things, but I bet you, I think that he probably

knew.

And I think that it put him at so much peace that maybe that's why he was able to pass

peacefully.

I hope it was peacefully.

I hope he didn't like suffer, you know.

It's crazy though, because like in all of this, because it's only been two and a half weeks at this point for me since i saw him yeah

it has not changed how i feel about my mom dying it has not made me want to go reconnect for her reconnect with her for peace or like i want to go cuss her out and i don't think that will ever like i don't think that i would have the same

revelations or like the same i don't even know what to call it like this didn't emotionally impact you to the point of changing your mind about my mom about your feelings towards your mom and if if she were to pass and the feelings that deep-rooted feelings that have now just grown with what you learned.

Yes.

And so I think that it's kind of interesting because I'm like, on one hand, I'm telling people if they have that feeling to go reconnect with someone, like go do it.

But I don't have that for my mom.

It doesn't make me contemplate.

It doesn't make me want to change my mind.

The only thing that I would want to go talk to her about is sort of like confront her with the information that.

my dad left me and I believe him.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

October 10th is World Mental Health Day, and this year we're saying thank you to therapists.

BetterHelp therapists have helped over 5 million people worldwide on their mental health journeys.

That's millions of stories, millions of journeys.

And behind every one is a therapist who showed up, listened, and helped someone take a step forward.

Moments in therapy, like the right question, a safe space to cry, or a small win can change lives.

And this World Mental Health Day, BetterHelp is honoring those connections and the therapists who make them possible, all while showing how easy it is to get guidance from a licensed therapist online with BetterHelp.

Kale, you're the one who got me started in therapy years ago at this point.

And I truly do not know where I would be without it.

The right therapist can absolutely change everything.

And BetterHelp has 12 plus years of experience in matching people to the right therapist.

And they have quality therapists.

Their therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

They also have a therapist match commitment, which I think is so great.

You and I have talked about so many times, Kale, sometimes you don't hit it off with your first therapist or on your first try.

We kind of got lucky when it came to that, but we know people who have not.

So, BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, and their 10 plus years of experience and industry-leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time.

If you aren't happy with your match, though, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored reps.

This world mental health day, we're celebrating the therapists who have helped millions of people take a step forward.

If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey.

My listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash barely.

That's betterhelp.com/slash barely.

The questions start early and then they start multiplying.

Do babies hold grudges?

How do I know when he's full?

Logging poops, comma, necessary?

Raising kids raises enough questions.

That's why we make one formula that feels right right away.

One that's intentionally made and clinically proven with immune supporting benefits in every scoop.

One that uses breast milk as its north star.

You'll wonder about everything except this, Byhart, the formula that answers.

Learn more at byheart.com.

You're juggling a lot.

Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.

And now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

At American Public University, we respect the hustle and we're built for it.

Our flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path.

Learn more about APU's 40-plus career-relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu.

APU built for the hustle.

There's nothing that my mom could ever say or do.

I don't think that could change my mind because my dad was so nonchalant about everything and nonchalant in the sense that like, I guess like he just didn't have,

he takes everything at face value.

It just like when people say, oh, it is what it is, they say it like passive aggressively or they say like, oh, I don't care, but they actually care.

My dad did not give a single fuck.

Like, this is what it is.

And that is it.

No pity party.

My dad did not throw himself a pity party.

He did not just try to justify anything.

It's like very cut and dry, matter of fact, this is what happened.

Where my mom will have like this, like,

well,

and then justify, or well, and then it's like a pity party.

And you don't know how hard it was for me, though.

Where, where my dad is like,

this is what it is.

Or this is what happened.

It's, there's no embellishment

behind it.

There's no emotion

behind it.

It's fact-based.

Yes.

And so when he, at first, it hurt my feelings when I asked him, and there's a video that is either going to be up on Patreon now or will be.

I asked my dad if he had any regrets and he said no.

And at first it hurt my feelings until I like sat with it for the past two weeks.

I'm like, okay, he, what is he, what is there to regret?

I almost feel like you have to be able to put thought into something and know the opposite side to be able to have regrets about something.

Like, I almost feel like he really had come to terms with whatever the lack of relationship with you, wherever the relationship ended with your sister, and he just moved on because he didn't know any different.

It's not like he was, you were in and out of his life, right?

It's not like he came and then left and then came and then left and then came.

So, I almost wonder if for him, the regrets would have come after that visit of what could have been.

No, I don't think so.

Okay.

I think that he was a very interesting person because I later learned, and by later, I mean yesterday, learned that he had two associates degrees.

In what?

Associates of science and then something in hospitality and golf course management or something.

And so that was really interesting for me because seeing how he lived and then my aunt also telling me like he lived without what most people take for granted on a day-to-day basis.

And I'm talking like middle class, lower class, what they, what middle and lower class takes for granted every single day.

My dad lived without it.

So he was like poverty and below and was fine.

You had two associates' degrees and you were in the military.

You lived in the Philippines, Alaska, Hawaii, all these places.

He never wanted better for himself.

Like he never, like, you had the means for it.

You used the GI Bill for two associates' degrees or whatever the hell you, however, you got those degrees and then you did nothing.

Like, what an interesting person.

I feel like you got to go on a journey to like kind of not really uncover because it's very surface level, it seems, but like, I would have never

just from watching the footage you took and the conversation you guys had, I would have never thought he even wanted to go to college.

Well, here's my first thought was two associates, two associates degree, but not a bachelor's degree.

Never did anything with either of them

or use the knowledge.

He also could have stayed in the military longer to just live a little better than what he was like, do you know what I'm saying?

Like it was almost like.

Do you think he just lacked passion in life?

I think the disability, the birth, I keep calling it a defect.

It's not a birth defect.

Like, the birth injury, I think,

basically fucked him.

Okay.

Like, there was no,

outside of like what is right here and what I'm telling you, I'm speaking to you in fact.

I'm speaking to you cut and dry.

There was nothing else there.

Yeah.

Like.

And when I asked him, did you love our moms?

Yeah.

I don't know that he was capable.

Like, does even knowing what love is or feels like or yeah, like it's and I'm not saying that to bash him.

I'm just saying like I

these are the things that I have thought over the last couple like two weeks.

And then to learn that he had two bachelor to associate.

I'm just like,

so he didn't have to live the way that he was living.

No, it was a choice.

Like you let yourself go to that point.

developed no relationships with anyone really.

He was with the woman that he lived with for 25 years.

I thought it was his wife, but I guess maybe common-law wife, but it wasn't his wife.

Together for 25 years, but it felt like more companionship.

Yeah.

Just like to have somebody there.

Yeah.

Not like there was like a.

And I don't want to speak ill of her.

That's not what I'm saying.

I'm just like, I don't know that, I don't know that he was capable of deep friendships or deep relationships of any kind, not just with me or my sister.

There's no emotional ties.

Just with anything.

Yeah.

There's no emotional aspect, it sounds like.

Yeah.

Like, I cannot describe this man

thoroughly enough for someone to understand, unless you were there.

Like, there was nothing here.

Lights on, no one's home.

Yeah, but that's how it was when I met him the first time when I was 17.

I was going to ask you, like, comparing, obviously, you didn't have a lot of time with him when you were 17.

Yeah.

Went and whatever, but was there anything different?

No.

Very matter of fact.

Very, this is how it goes.

But, like, I know that now.

Looking back when I met him when I was 17 and all of like that whole thing.

And then also this, it's like, this is just who he was.

Yeah.

And that's okay.

But I didn't get to, I think that's what I'm, but I would rather be crying about that than crying that I never went in the first place.

Yes.

Like, I'm very glad that you went.

I know you were trying to not go very hard.

Well, what's crazy too is like the way that it all played out when I was going down there.

So my aunt called me on a Friday and you and Rebecca had blocked off not the, not that, so the Friday, my aunt called me.

We didn't block off this week.

We blocked off the following week to go.

And so I wasn't even supposed to go when I went.

My aunt said that there was, it was morphine every four hours, which turned out to not even be true.

What?

It turned out to not, it turned out to not be true.

He was not getting morphine every four hours.

So then when I talked to my aunt after the fact, when I got home from the visit, she was like, yeah, I thought it was premature that you were coming down.

You're like, But you told me it was morphine every four hours.

He was literally in the car.

Like, my kids, we were coming home from school pickup, and she literally told me, like, you need to get down here sooner rather than later.

So, I did, which great that you did.

But it was just like she, we all thought he had more time because I get down there.

He went, got up, and went to the bathroom by himself.

I remember seeing that in the footage where you were like waiting for him to come back out.

He got up and he was, I mean, he was a little winded when he was talking, but it seemed like he was not okay,

but he wasn't on his deathbed.

And I'm out here like literally wrote deathbed questions.

And I still can't get over all the people who are like crucifying me on the internet for like confronting my dad on his deathbed while he's like going through hospice.

But like,

when was a better time, I guess, like while he was a lot.

Like, I don't know.

Nobody can judge a situation they're not in.

Like, that's.

I could not have.

First of all, I'm somebody who performs well under pressure.

That's the first and foremost.

So if someone's like, your dad is dying, it's like, oh, let me get my shit together really quick and go try to handle this business.

Yeah.

I also, until I learned that he was dying and

had very little time to live, I didn't think I was ever going to confront him.

I truly never thought I would ever go talk to him or my mom ever again.

I've, in the over a decade, I mean, literally Lincoln's about to be 13.

12.

12.

So you've known, I've known you for 15 years.

Yeah, because you were pregnant.

Never one time did you say, we've talked about the visit that you did.

We've joked around about the meat fridge and all the things.

Never one time were you like, I'm going to go back down.

I'm going to talk to him.

I want to talk to him.

You've said that about your mom off and on.

about confronting her and wanting to sit down with her and ask her questions and things, which made sense to me because you are a mother.

Yeah.

So I think that you relate on not just like, it's not just a daughter talking to her mother, it's mother to mother.

Yep.

Yep.

So that always made sense to me, but never word did I ever hear you say that you were even interested because you

just wasn't ever going to be something that I wanted.

I never,

I never pictured myself doing it.

So then once my aunt called me and said that he was sick, it sort of just changed my mind about everything.

So the people who are saying, like, I,

and I've said it on every podcast, I think, like, these two specific creators have made the same video over and over,

same situation like oh like i think one of them called me garbage pail kale and was like she's going to confront her dad it's so selfish like blah blah blah and i'm like what was the alternative go talk to him when he's alive but it doesn't feel like there's anything i have to say until i'm in that situation well i hope people get when they watch the patreon of your visit it wasn't like saying you're confronting first of all i don't know what the negative connotation is behind i'm confronting a situation or a person That doesn't mean you're going to go start a whole fucking fight.

You're just, I'm not having a confrontation.

I'm confronting them with questions that I need answers to, facts, whatever.

You're trying to figure out a situation.

I'm not going there to, you're not going there to fight with him.

You know, I think people have held on to like who I used to be, like very emotionally charged all the time.

Yeah.

And I said that to my dad.

I've struggled my whole life with being angry.

Like I've just been mad my whole entire life.

and I don't want to be mad.

I don't want to feel this way.

And I walked into it and I went back and forth of it on whether I was going to ask him questions or not.

Like I had them just in case.

But then I, at some point, I was like, I'm not going to ask him because then I felt bad.

Then when I got there, I was, I didn't know what to say.

So then I was like, I have questions for you.

And he was like, okay, ask them.

Like, it was almost like he was expecting that anyway.

And he hadn't seen Michaela since she was five or six.

So I was kind of asking questions on her behalf.

She didn't have any questions, she was more um detached from the whole thing.

And I think she wanted to meet him, but she didn't necessarily have anything to say to him.

And so, these are the questions

that I asked.

This is a note that I wrote in my phone September 10th.

I finally like put them in my phone, and it literally says deathbed questions, but he wasn't even in a bed, so he was literally in a chair.

But I said, Why did you leave?

When did you leave, and why?

I was stern about my questions at first.

To me, when I saw how you asked them, your instant thing was, I was a bitch.

Yeah.

When I saw myself kept saying that to me.

Yeah.

And I'm like, this is literally how you speak when you are feeling something towards something.

I said to you, like, when you're passionate.

towards something, not exactly the word, but like when you're passionate, yes.

But when you're having any type of emotional reaction, that is how you speak.

I don't,

I don't, I don't identify it as you being a bitch.

To me, that's just when I know you actually give a fuck about what you're talking about.

Okay.

Does that make sense?

When you said that's how I am on the podcast, I was like, Yeah, sometimes when you get really like worked up, not really worked up, but when you are invested in something, okay, that is how you speak.

So, to me, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Well, it threw me for a loop when I looked at, well, I watched the footage back and I'm like, I'm a huge see you next Tuesday.

Like, I'm a huge kind.

I really really do need to watch how I my tone because I don't mean anything by it.

Tone is hard, though.

We've had those conversations with each other.

Tone is hard, right?

Like, you could be in the middle of doing something, answer a question, you're not even paying attention to the way you're saying something, and somebody walks away from that thinking you're pissed at them, or you hate them, or something, and you're, you have no idea unless you're confronted about it.

Weird word, weird word.

All right, y'all, we've all been there eating clean, taking your supplements, doing everything quote unquote right, but your gut still feels off, your energy's low, your skin's not glowing.

What is missing, right?

In comes cowboy colostrum.

Cowboy colostrum takes a primal, whole body approach to wellness, natural, clean, and built to work with your body, not against it.

Colostrum, we know, is often called liquid gold.

It's the first nutrition we get at birth, packed with immune factors, growth compounds, and nutrients your body still craves today.

Cowboy colostrum uses only the highest quality colostrum, whole first day milking, never stripped or overprocessed, and always ethically harvested after the calf gets their share.

And it's so easy.

You just mix it into your coffee, milk, or smoothie.

I personally love the vanilla in my morning latte.

It tastes so good.

It's more, if you have more of a sweet tooth, the strawberry, which just restocked, tastes like a milkshake.

People swear by this for gut health, hair growth, immunity, and recovery.

I've already noticed a big difference in how I'm feeling day to day.

Unlike other brands, cowboy colostrum is never diluted, never spray-dried, and always sourced from grass-fed cows on regenerative U.S.

farms.

No fillers, no junk, just the good stuff.

For a limited time, my listeners get 25% off their entire order.

Just head to cowboycolostrum.com and use code FAMOUS at checkout.

That's 25% off and use code famous at cowboycolostrum.com.

After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them.

Please support my show and tell them that I sent you.

Okay, let's talk about Haya really quickly.

The twins are about to be two years old, so they're about to start Haya vitamins, and they're already so excited because we got their little glass jars in the mail and they want to use the stickers.

And so, typical children's vitamins are basically candy in disguise.

They're filled with two teaspoons of sugar, unhealthy chemicals, and other gummy junk that kids should not have.

And Haya is changing all of that.

Haya fills in the most common gaps in modern children's diets to provide the full body nourishment our kids need to grow.

And it's formulated with the help of nutritional experts.

Haya is pressed with a blend of 12 organic fruits and veggies, then supercharged with 15 essential vitamins and minerals, including vitamin D, V12, C, zinc, folate, and so many others to help support immunity, energy, brain function, mood, concentration, teeth, bones, and more.

My nephew is obsessed with his Haya vitamins.

My sister-in-law has had them on them for a couple of years now, and I tasted these.

They literally taste like candy.

Now I know why he is so obsessed.

Haya vitamins are non-GMO, vegan, dairy-free, allergy-free, gelatin-free, nut-free, and everything else you can imagine, which is fantastic.

Haya is designed for kids two and up and sent straight to your door so parents have one less thing to worry about.

I also recommend checking out their new kids' probiotic and nighttime essentials.

My sister-in-law started my nephew on these a couple months ago, and they're having a great experience.

We've worked out a special deal with Haya for their best-selling children's vitamin.

Receive 50% off your first order, but to claim this deal, you have to go to hiahealth.com/slash famous.

This deal is not available on their regular website, so go to h-i-y-a-h-e-a-l-th-h dot com/slash famous and get your kids the full body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults.

So I said, when did you leave?

Why?

When did you decide that you were not going back to Pennsylvania?

Did you ever try to call?

What did Susie do?

You knew my mom struggled with alcohol and addiction.

How could you leave me with her?

Which I later found out that it was court ordered after he tried to kidnap me.

He did kidnap me and took me to the hospital once.

I guess the way, and I don't until I see the paperwork, which I'm going to do, I want to go to Homesdale, Pennsylvania, and I want to request records from the court.

I want to know exactly what is in those court records.

So that's what I'm going to do next.

So I said, you knew, like, how could you leave me with her?

From my understanding, when my dad took me from Pennsylvania without my mom knowing and took me to Texas, I guess the like CPS, children and youth, whatever.

program is in Texas at that time approved my aunt to raise me on behalf of my dad.

So she was approved to have custody of me.

But my mom came came from Pennsylvania with a court order from a judge that said that he had to stay the fuck away from me.

Why did he say state lines, I think, because it was basically like a kidnapping.

But why do you think she did that?

She just simply didn't like him.

My dad did not abuse my mom.

My dad did not have an addiction.

My dad was not an alcoholic.

And then I learned that when my mom was saying, oh, he couldn't keep a job, he was a bum.

It was because in the 90s, I guess in the 80s and the 90s, with construction and blue-collar jobs, unless unless your like project manager had the next job lined up, you might go six weeks between this construction job and the next one.

So my mom was out here, just she simply just didn't like him and wanted to keep him away.

There was no real concrete reason outside of she just simply didn't want him around.

But it's been difficult because I'm like, you probably want to make sure the same mistake is not made.

I never, and I've said this since I, since Elliot was born, I never have ever been in the business of keeping my kids from their dads ever because of how I grew up.

And so I asked asked him like did you ever try to call what did susie do you knew my mom struggled how could you leave me with her well he didn't have a choice like it was literally court ordered he had to stay away he said that he sent me a necklace at one point and it was returned back to him i said do you you don't think it would have been better for me to be poor with you than with her i don't remember what he said to that did you ever speak to her during my childhood did you ever send money or gifts and by money i meant like child support Because my mom tells me that he never paid, which I think he didn't.

But now I know how he lived lived for himself he wasn't gonna have anything to give me either did you ever ask for me to spend the summer with you um which i learned that once my mom had that order how he couldn't

you obviously went on to have more kids why

i thought that was interesting did you think of me when michaela was born we were born four years apart I'm March, she's April, so almost exactly four years apart.

And my sister and I weighed exactly the same.

Oh my God.

We weighed exactly the same.

And I think we were the exact same inches long so that was really interesting like did you think of me and then he went into the history of our names because our names are so similar and both of our moms told us that they named us my mom told me she got my name off a soap opera and her mom told her that she got her name off of a show of some sort and that's not true that is absolutely false and i believe my dad because again cut and dry he said hawaii is his favorite place and alaska alaska and hawaii are his favorite places and what's so fucking weird is that my sister's favorite place on earth is alaska and my favorite place on earth is Hawaii.

And we were both named after like

themes in Hawaii.

So, my dad was stationed there for the military, I think, he said for three years, three years.

Um, and he actually married a Hawaiian woman.

Oh, wow, yeah, K-A-I or A-I is big in Hawaii, like the letters

in Hawaii.

So, he named us Kaylin and Michaela, and then Ray after himself.

So, and then when you put our names together, Michaela Ray, Kaylin Ray, and then Michaela spelled K-A-I-L, it's like our dad did that.

So, why our moms tried to lie to us?

Also, I learned my sister didn't find out about me until she was in middle school.

So, I had added her.

She told, she told me this, and I didn't know.

I added her in Facebook, and she didn't know who I was.

So, she had already been on Facebook before anyone, and her mom told her to delete it, delete it, delete it.

And I added her again, probably thinking it didn't go through

the whole time I knew that she existed because my mom's ex-husband told me in a fight.

So it was just like a really weird, like

how everything sort of came together.

You wanted to have more kids.

Did you think of me when Kayla, when Michaela was born?

When did you leave Michaela and why?

These are like the questions about my sister.

Did you try to see Michaela after you left, which that's a whole other situation that I'm not going to speak on until my sister says that she wants to talk about it?

Because I almost am like more mad for her.

Excuse me, did you have any other kids?

This is an important piece because the first time I met him when I was 17 and pregnant, he told me verbatim that you have siblings in the Philippines.

I saw this in the video.

And I get there and I asked him again because I'm thinking they're going to come up on 23andMe or ancestry.

Like I'm excited.

Have been since he told me 15 years ago.

This time around, he says, No, you don't have siblings in the Philippines.

Everyone in the military says that.

You were like, no, they don't.

My mom's whole side was military men.

Okay.

My mom's dad, grandfather, all of them.

I've never, my two of my exes are military.

Javi's Air Force, Elijah's Army.

Nobody has ever said that to me.

So I'm thinking.

Imagine Javi came home from being deployed.

You got, there's other kids everywhere.

The boys have siblings everywhere.

If Elijah came home,

Elijah was stationed in Hawaii.

If he came home and was like, the babies have siblings in Hawaii.

I just need to know how, we need to pull that.

How many

does it happen?

I'm sure.

Yeah.

But

like, he told me that when I was 17, and I have died on that hill 12 times.

I've literally been so excited.

I have been so excited.

Okay.

I also found out Nicole from Book Club is also Filipino.

She's probably my cousin.

That's what you thought.

And now

he crushed my dreams.

Yeah, your dreams crushed.

So left there without more siblings.

But But then I was like, this is how we get him to take the DNA test.

We have to see if there's more siblings because now that I know that you are also in Japan, you're in Hawaii, you're in Alaska, you're in the Philippines.

There is a sibling somewhere.

Take this DNA test, please.

And then he says, I don't have nothing to hide.

I'll do it.

So we're waiting on the results.

Do you have regrets?

If so, what?

He had none.

Not a single one.

Couldn't name one thing that he regretted.

Do you have any final thoughts?

And I felt like that was a little morbid.

That wasn't really the direction.

I think you meant in the moment.

In the moment.

My aunt is coordinating everything with the funeral home.

He is being cremated.

I did.

I think that was his wishes anyway, but I also told my aunt would prefer him to be cremated.

My aunt has been really, really

great through this whole experience, I'll say.

She told me she would do whatever I asked, like as far as like my dad's services.

He didn't have a whole lot.

He didn't have friends.

He really didn't have a whole lot of family.

I did say cremation.

She agreed.

I think think that's what he also wanted.

The military is going to give him a headstone for the Marines and they do some sort of graveside something.

They do.

And so the plan right now is that he'll be cremated in the next two weeks, I believe.

I, I, that he'll be cremated in the next two weeks.

And then I'm going to wait to go back down to Texas until they do the graveside.

With the headstone and stuff.

When the headstone is done, I'll go down, which we're looking at November.

So for now, it'll be that.

I didn't want to go down for the ashes because I'd rather just be with my sister, my aunt, and everybody once I get down there.

So that's the plan right now.

And I did text my sister this morning and asked if she

wanted any of the ashes.

And she said,

she did give us permission to talk about this also, just the whole experience.

She said,

I have her permission to talk about anything.

There's just certain things that I'm not willing to.

She will be willing to, I'm sure, but I said, do you want any of Raymond's ashes?

And she said, I guess I'll just need to separate him and my mother.

I guess that can be my last nice gesture.

So something you were talking about on coffee combos two weeks ago was that you were actually feeling really emotional for your sister because she was about to become an orphan.

Now that that happened, is that something that's also like on your mind?

Like what, when you found out that he passed away, you know, what were you feeling?

And what have you felt like the days since?

The day I found out, Monday was really hard for me.

Like it was weird because like I would cry and then I'd be fine.

And then I would cry and then I would be fine like if nothing was happening.

But it's it's weird because I do feel disconnected from him, but I'm so emotional about it.

And I'm having a hard time like understanding that part of it.

It's like, I don't know why I'm emotional when I haven't had a relationship with him my whole life.

So like I really don't know.

I think it's still a part of you.

Like that's still a part of you.

Kind of like you were talking about instinctually, like you, how you are with your niece and your sister.

I think that's it's literally made half of you.

I think also finding out that had it not been for your mom, there would have been a chance to know him, maybe not live with him, but to know him and have some sort of relationship.

It's very possible.

Like, do you feel like you might be grieving the relationship you could have had?

Yeah, because I think even though he was, and when I tell you guys, like, he's poor, like, I don't mean like poor, I mean, like poverty level, yeah,

like below, Yeah.

I think that one, I needed to be exposed to that as a child because if my mom didn't have it, my grandparents had it.

My grandparents never made sure, they made sure I never went without, you know, what they knew.

They, I don't think they knew the extent of

the circumstances that my mom had me in because at the end of the day, like they want to believe their daughter over me.

Right.

So

I never went out, went without when I lived with my grandparents or when I stayed with them.

I needed to be exposed to that.

And I also needed the chance to decide on my own.

I needed to be given the chance to decide for myself, not to go live with him or not, because I don't think at this point in my life that a child should be able to decide those things unless there's like abuse or certain circumstances.

But I needed to be given the permission to get to know him and form my own opinion so that if I wanted to have a relationship with him, I could.

I also don't understand why I couldn't be sent down there for the summers.

growing up because I could have stayed with my aunt and had a relationship with my dad through my aunt because my aunt had

not much, like she wasn't wealthy by any means, but she had like a very nice home.

She had three kids that were around my, you know, they're all in their 30s and 40s now.

Like

I could have had a relationship with him through her and I was never given the opportunity to do that.

You've probably seen a million ads for hair growth products and thought, sure, yeah, that actually works.

And I did too until I found out that neutrophil isn't like the rest of them.

Neutrophil is physician formulated, clinically tested, and dermatologists recommend it.

My mom has been on her Nutrophol journey for well over a year now, Kiel, and her hair looks so, so good.

I'm very jealous.

If you've never heard of Nutrophol, it is the number one dermatologist-recommended hair growth supplement brand, trusted by over one and a half million people.

You can feel great about what you're putting into your body since Nutrophol hair growth supplements are backed by peer-reviewed studies and NSF content certified, the gold standard in third-party certifications for supplements.

Something that's so cool about Nutrophol is that while many supplements rely solely on ingredient studies, Nutrofoll clinically tests final formulations to ensure their efficacy using a variety of hair measurement tools like hair counts and pool tests to assess growth, quality, shedding, and texture.

See thicker, stronger, faster-growing hair with less shedding in just three to six months with Nutrofoll.

For a limited time, Nutrofoll is offering my listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrofold.com/slash famous.

Find out why Nutrofoll is the best-selling hair growth supplement brand at Nutrofold.com, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com slash famous that's neutrafold.com slash famous

kale i have a question for you because you are back on your coffee kick do you struggle with bloating and discomfort after your morning coffee typically yes every day that is absolutely not fun however i have a hack for you after drinking everyday dose consistently my bloating has reduced and my face is less puffy and i'm gonna need you to get it stat well that's because everyday dose is coffee plus benefits it combines 100 arabica coffee with powerful ingredients like lion's mane and chaga, collagen, protein, and nootropics to fuel your brain, boost your focus, and give you clean, sustained energy all day long.

There's no crash, no jitters, just clean, sustained energy, which we love.

They have two fantastic products.

We're talking Coffee Plus and Coffee Plus Bold.

Coffee Plus is their mild roast, light and smooth, low acidity, which is easy on sensitive stomachs and gives you mellow energy.

Coffee Plus Bold is a rich blend of medium roast, 100% Arabica coffee, robust and full-bodied, yet still smooth.

Extra boost of energy with this one if you're needing that.

I have to go Coffee Plus because y'all know how my stomach is.

Get 45% off your first subscription order of 30 servings of Coffee Plus or Bold Plus, and you'll receive a starter kit with over $100 in free gifts, including a rechargeable frother and gunmetal serving spoon by going to everydaydose.com slash famous or entering famous at checkout.

You'll also get free gifts throughout the year.

That's everydaydose.com slash famous for 45% off your first order.

And what's so interesting to me now as an adult and as a mom of seven kids, right?

Like, I have to have a village to help me to help make my world go round.

And so

I'm thinking, Javi moves away, Lincoln goes there in the summertime, right?

Why did my mom not make her life easier and send me down there for the summertime?

Even if it wasn't with my dad, but by my, with my aunt, and have a relationship with my dad through that, you didn't have to pay for child care.

You wouldn't have needed whatever the, um, I had it for Elliot, whenever you get like state assistance for daycare.

My mom was constantly shuffling and, and out of pure desperation, my mom left me with unsafe people because there was nobody else to take care of me.

You could have sent me down there to be with my family for free all summer and didn't.

For what?

And like, you missed out.

You missed out on a whole side of a family.

Well, so my cousins, my, two of my cousins called me since then.

And my, my one cousin, Carly, she messaged me.

She's a couple years older than me.

I'm 33.

She's probably, she's probably 35,

36, somewhere around there.

I don't really know how old she is, but she's in her 30s.

She messaged me something along the lines of like, she basically said, like, by no fault of our own, like, we don't have the relationships that first cousins should have.

And like,

she wants to make space for me.

And like, we just don't know how to do that because when you start as adults, it's just way harder.

Like, my sister and I should be so much closer than we are.

But I, and I told my dad to his face, I said, the adults couldn't get their shit together enough so that my sister and I could have had a relationship.

Had both of our moms and our dad and my aunt, had they worked together, me and my sister both could have been with my aunt in the summertimes or like she lived in the same town as my dad her whole life.

So even if she wasn't spending the full summer with them, she could have known me, but our parents literally could not get their shit together enough.

Yeah.

And I think that's really sad.

And then on top of that, you have your own situations with your kids.

And now I feel like, not that you weren't doing a good job before do you feel like the pressure there's any pressure now for you do you feel like you're going to do anything differently or be more in tune to try to avoid doing certain things because of the experience that you know you had no i think it just amplifies i mean i've said it since i started teen mom I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure that my kids have relationships with their siblings.

So it just like sort of amplifies those feelings that I've had.

And

I mean, if nothing else, I think that I'm able to use how I grew up and the lack of relationship, I guess, with my sister for to know that or to feel that.

I have a couple questions for you.

Okay.

Actually, great.

Well, my first question is: like, how are you doing?

Mostly fine.

It's weird because it's like, my dad died, but what does that mean?

Nobody knows me to have a dad.

So it's like a weird, like, am I even allowed to cry about it?

Like,

it's just weird.

Yeah.

I don't know why I cry about it.

I I don't know why I get upset.

And, um, but that's for you to, that's for you to work through and you'd figure out you're allowed to feel however you want to feel.

Well, when I have my kids' dads telling me that I'm only doing this for content, it's like, I feel crazy because take the podcast away, take all of it away.

I would still be crying about it.

You were.

I forget who I told.

Maybe I told my dad.

I don't remember.

Like having misplaced anger my whole life.

Like I should have never been mad at my dad.

And so like, I, I don't necessarily have regrets because I, I don't know what I don't know.

Yeah.

But now I'm just like reflecting on everything.

Like all of my feelings were so misplaced and I don't know what to do with them now because I haven't been able to confront my mom yet and I haven't and I don't know if I ever will be able to because we could reach out.

I did end up messaging her from my sister's account because she has me blocked.

So I messaged her from my sister's account and I'm assuming that to this point she has not responded because my sister probably would have told me.

And so it's been weird.

And I actually, I don't think I've cried about it since Monday.

I looked at, I was upset about something about related to this.

And I looked at Creed and I was like, sorry, my dad died.

And he goes, I know.

So like my kids don't even understand the weight of like the conflict up here because they don't, it's not like they lost someone.

You know what I'm saying?

Or I lost someone that they knew.

They're having a hard time understanding it because they also didn't even know he existed.

They thought he was dead this whole time.

That like

Lux literally said to me, I thought he was dead already.

Like, he didn't know.

Yeah.

So it's been like, and how do you explain that to kids who don't understand?

That's why I think, like, it was almost, it would have almost been better for me to be exposed to how my dad lived, you know, who he was around, Texas in general, like things like that.

Like, I don't know.

Cause I would just have like more of a well-rounded like perspective on life, maybe.

I don't know.

I feel like that was a question I had for you: was do you tell your kids?

Have you told your kids?

How did

that go?

How do you you even

so?

When I got the call from my aunt on that Friday, so I guess it would have been

this is more for me than for the listeners.

Um,

I saw him on the 15th, so it would have been September 5th.

I got the call.

Um,

September 5th, I got the call that he was not doing well, took a turn for the worse.

Lincoln, Lux, and Creed were all in the car.

So they sort of knew, but I don't, again, like, it doesn't hold weight for them.

And I can't expect it to because they didn't know, but like, that's the whole thing.

I also, now that I, that, that reminds me, I showed him pictures of my kids.

I showed my dad.

It's weird calling him my dad because pop-up's my dad and Raymond's not my dad.

Um, but I guess they can both be my dad.

I showed Raymond pictures of my kids and he said nothing.

He literally said nothing.

And I said, are you going to say anything?

And he's like, what do you want me to say?

That's how matter of fact he is.

Like he literally looked looked at me dead in the face and was like no emotion if anyone's listening to this episode on audio and not the patreon video

there's also a video on my patreon of me going to my dad's and asking him questions and i filmed the camera one of just me because i wasn't going to put him on there but there is some of

us at the table so i'm showing him pictures of

the kids and he doesn't respond

and then he says

How do you feel about Elliot?

So apparently, Raymond was keeping up with me online.

Finds out his grandson is gay.

Now,

Raymond is, uh,

he was a bull rider.

He was a Marine from Texas.

My guess, and I don't know this for sure, is that he's probably conservative.

With that being said, he also lived all over the world, Japan, the Philippines, Hawaii, Alaska.

I mean, these are places that you are seeing other types of people

walk all walks of life you're seeing life like i just feel like when you travel and you haven't been out of the united states so that's why i'm more so saying it to you is like

it broadens like it keeps you open-minded because you see the way other people live in other countries for better or for worse and so it opens your eyes to so many things right and I was a little surprised by his reaction to it because I'm like, okay, if he's from the South, he's conservative.

I thought he was going to be like, like, did you think he was asking you because he was going to tell you that he doesn't approve?

Yes.

Like, I thought he was going to be like, I don't fuck with that.

Like, you thought he was going to have some shit to say about Elliot.

Yeah, because he's real country.

I'm talking cowboy hats, no teeth, bull rider, no, he's, he's country.

So I, with that, I assumed, which maybe I shouldn't have, that he's conservative.

And so that he was not going to be okay with, I mean, I didn't think he would be okay with homosexuals.

So he says, how do you feel?

And I said, fine.

I said, my son is high honor role, president of ASL club.

He's, you know, a great kid by all definitions of the word, of the, of the term.

Like he's just a great kid.

I don't care who he loves.

Like, who the fuck am I to shun my son for that?

And he's like, okay.

He's like, I don't care.

I was just asking.

And you're like, oh, wow.

Dodged him.

Like, I gave a whole speech on why I don't give a fuck because I thought you were about to rip me a a new one because my son is gay.

He's like, I just wanted to know how you felt about it.

Yep.

Literally, just like that.

He's so weird.

Like, that's.

Well, was.

He was so, like, what an interest.

Like, I

literally left

that.

I was going to say appointment.

I left that visit.

And said that my dad's personality is going to be my personality for the rest of my life.

I want to be as

carefree.

And I was going to say careless.

I want to be as carefree as Raymond Glenn Lowry.

I want to live my life the rest of my life with that level of I don't give a fuck.

This is what it is.

Take it or leave it.

Like that is what I want to live like.

I, he was how old?

60?

66.

That also comes with fucking age.

I'm not saying, like you said, he was no different when you met him when he was 17, but I will will tell you that my mom, the older she gets, and Debbie is about to turn 70, the less of a fuck she, and I didn't think there was any fucks to give, but somehow she keeps dropping the fucks.

I think it was the birth injury.

Okay.

Yeah, the birth injury age to catch up for him.

No, I think he's been like this his whole life.

Which, that's great.

Could you imagine how, like, I'm stressed out about court coming up?

Just in like the like.

I wish that I was like my dad and it was just like, we got court coming up.

And that's it.

And that's literally what happens.

As far as the thought goes, that's as far as it goes.

That's literally.

I did learn, and I don't know if I said this on the other podcast.

You're just a barely famous listener.

He did show up to every single court date for the first two years.

Every single court date regarding me.

How did that make you feel?

Missed, again, misplaced anger.

I did not know that.

I didn't know that he was trying.

And he was, he'd had no money to the point that he was driving from Texas to Pennsylvania.

So my aunt would put her three kids, my dad and her, in a van, her van, and they would drive every single time.

Like she was as invested as like a parent would be.

I think she was, she was more invested than he was.

She has the emotions.

She's a mom.

And I think like her with me as her niece and me with my sister and me immediately just like having that instinctual like magnetic connection to my niece, same situation with my aunt and me.

So you fall in love with these kids as if they're your own, really.

You love them like your own.

And so she was like the

my dad was the parent, and then she was really the force behind him.

And so learning that like he was there for the first, but it was that final court order from crossing state lines and all of that that my mom.

He thought it was, there was no shot.

No, there wasn't.

The judge, it was like a literal, like, almost like a restraining order, like, you cannot see them kind of deal.

But I would like to go, I would like to confirm that with the, with the records.

Let's talk about protein.

I need to have a high protein diet and Magic Spoon makes that possible.

So Magic Spoon makes high protein, zero sugar, cereal, and treats reinvented from your childhood.

We are absolutely obsessed with Magic Spoon in this house.

Every serving of Magic Spoon high protein cereal has 13 grams of protein, zero grams of sugar, and four grams of net carbs.

They also come in such great nostalgic flavors like fruity, cocoa, and frosted.

Corey and I are always fighting between the fruity and frosted.

They also have such good treats.

Magic Spoon's high protein treats are crispy, crunchy, airy, and an easy way to get 12 grams of protein on the go.

They come in mouthwatering flavors like marshmallow, chocolate peanut butter, and dark chocolate.

Both are great on the go pre- or post-workout or even as a midnight snap.

Get $5 off your next order at magic spoon.com slash barely famous or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store.

That's magic spoon.com slash barely famous for $5 off.

All right, we know everyone is talking about weight loss meds these days.

However, fewer people are talking about how hard they are to access, which is because HERS is changing that with transparent pricing, expert care, and a personalized plan that's actually built and priced for wherever you're at.

HERS is transforming women's healthcare by providing access to affordable weight loss treatment plans.

They connect you with a medical provider who will work with you to determine the best treatment option for you.

If prescribed, you get medication as part of a doctor-developed weight weight loss program, complete with ongoing care, check-ins, dosage, and medication adjustments.

And you get access to 24-7 online support at no additional cost.

There's no hidden fees and no membership fees.

Weight loss by HERS is realistic, not restrictive.

HERS provides access to affordable weight loss plans built around oral medication kits and GLP-1 injectable options with oral medication kits starting at just $69 per month with a 10-month plan when paid up front.

This isn't a cookie cutter care that just forgets you in the waiting room, right?

It's your health and goals put first with real medical providers, making sure you get what you need to get the results all from the comfort of your couch.

So whether you want to lose weight, grow thicker, fuller hair, or find relief for anxiety, HERS has you covered.

Visit forHers.com slash famous to get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you.

That's F-O-R-H-E-R-S.com slash famous.

Forhers.com slash famous.

Weight loss by HERS is not available everywhere.

Compounded products are not approved or reviewed for safety, effectiveness, or quality by the FDA.

Prescription required.

See website for full details.

Important safety information and restrictions.

Actual price depends on product and plan purchased.

I do, I have another question for you.

Do you feel like

you visiting him now that he's passed, do you feel like your visit was closure?

Or do you feel like it was almost a cruel twist?

Because now you learned all this information.

If you wanted to have a relationship, you can't.

Or are you in the middle?

No, I feel like it was closure.

i don't know that i would have a relationship with him only because he was still the very like cut and dry surface level now maybe we would have been like able to wish each other merry christmas or happy birthday or something i think i could have had that sort of surface level connection but a relationship no like i probably would never have taken my kids down there to see him or anything i just wish like if it if he would have cared enough and i i don't mean that in a cruel way like he just doesn't have the

ability, yeah, if he had the ability to,

like, I don't know if it would have meant anything to him because one of the last things that he said to me was, You still look mad, right?

And I'm trying to explain to him, I don't want to be that way anymore.

If I would have just gotten the opportunity to tell him, like, I'm not mad anymore, like, I really appreciate the time that you gave me, that was like two hours.

But

I don't know if that would have made a difference for him or not.

So, it's more that that piece of it is more for me, um, just to let him know, like, I'm not, I'm not mad anymore.

Um,

that part of it is like, that sucks.

But I, I don't, I definitely don't think that we would have had like a

relationship.

You looked,

and the people will see it if they watch the Patreon video of it, of

your visit.

The relief that was on your face after coming out and getting in the car and starting to film again was

literally visible.

Like that for the part lighter.

I was, like I said, when you guys watch it, at first I was hurt that he said he had no regrets.

But now I'm like, I'm at a place in my life where, like, I hope to live like that.

And also,

his explanation for having no regrets was like, you can't change it no matter what.

So, what is the point of regretting it if you can't change it at all?

So, that was sort of his explanation.

Now that I've sat with it for some time, it feels better.

Yeah.

So, something that you immediately said to me, like, I'm talking within 24 hours

of him passing away, was

people were reaching out to you about him passing away because you had posted that that had happened on your personal Facebook.

And you were talking to me about the dumb shit that people say

when people pass away.

You literally said to me,

if I hear about one more

dad, you said, you didn't talk about your dad.

Why do you Becky becky didn't talk about her dad i was like we sure as shit did it because we're already in the club becky was sitting in the passenger seat we were waiting for elliot to come downstairs because she was going to say bye to all of us and then she was going to go back to her family she didn't say a

word about her dad dying no

when you when i told you you didn't mention your dad your dad's been dead for some time 13 years baby and not one single time did you like yeah that's that me too my dad died too

no

no no, but then I did it to somebody this morning.

Jerry, Jerry texted me and said, My sister passed away this morning.

And you said, my dad just died.

I said, my dad died on Monday.

So I guess

people try to relate because they think it makes people feel better.

I think that's just like an innate human response where you're like, okay, I need to make them not feel alone.

So I'm going to relate as hard as possible.

It does not matter.

Like, I don't care if I have to whip shit out of my ass to try to relate it, but I'm going to do it.

And death is not the time to relate to people.

To try to relate situations, it happens, right?

Like, it definitely happens.

It's not helpful.

Okay, so what, what exactly is the premise of Dead Dad's Club?

It's just like we're all, all of our dads are dead, but like, at what point can we all collectively talk about our dead dad?

Oh, as soon as your dad dies, you can join the sick humor, right?

Like, oh, I'm as cold.

I got jokes for days.

I'm as cold as my fucking dad is sitting in a wall.

I want to be with my dad in said wall you know i

you can talk about it and like and that goes for like i accept dead moms as well like i accept dead mom people okay rebecca unfortunately is in that club i'm sorry um so we accept everyone not just dads but like it's it's a unifying experience for sure but like you can start with the sick humor as soon as you enter so like you became a member monday so if you want to talk shit well i was already in the dead dads club because at the time i thought it was dead beat for me.

Um, okay, that might be like a so before I was in,

I was already an honorary member of the Dead Dad's Canadian with a dead beat dad, so it was like everybody's dad is dead, and mine was just dead beat, so it's like sort of the same, but now he's officially dead.

So, you're an official member, right?

You got your ribbon Monday, right?

But he's he's about to not be horizontal anymore, he's about to be in an urn.

We just ordered them on Amazon this morning, so that was a nice twist of of events: shopping for urns on Amazon, which was so morbid.

Amazon has a ton of urns, like they have

four packs of urns.

They do, no, so I for family members, the minis, yeah, yeah, we got necklaces and shit.

No, I told you, no,

not for my dad, he's in a wall.

Rebecca was like, I'm not gonna get the four pack for you because I'm like, there's only three of us that want ashes, so like we don't need the four pack, but I was like, could have been a bonus.

It's just the fact that like

death is just fucking permanent and you have to decide what fucking color urn you want.

And it's weird.

And you can buy them on Amazon.

And you have to do it pretty quick.

And it's like, what else do you need from Amazon?

I need tampons.

I need snacks,

ghost energy drinks.

And can you get my dead dad's urn?

It's literally like you got curb stomped.

Like you get curb stomped with the death.

And then it's like, oh,

you need to do this.

And you got to shell out like $10,000 at minimum.

But don't forget to get the urn on amazon and if you need an urn psa to everybody if someone's dead and you need an urn do not do it through the funeral home do it through amazon well to be fair the funeral home urn was like this like golf moment which i also learned my dad was a golfer like a wannabe golfer which yeah lincoln

lincoln gets it from raymond raymond

so he gets

what was i saying

The golf urn at the funeral.

Right, right, right.

So the, the urn that had the golfer on it from the funeral home was $180, but you go on Amazon, you can get an urn for $30.

Yeah, I was going to say $180.

Shout out to Jeff Bezos.

Does he even own Amazon anymore?

I don't know.

He can own me with that money.

You evidently got the earns from Etsy.

PSA, go gets also check out Etsy.

Go support a small business.

Have you had any what-if thoughts?

Since either since your meeting or actually since he passed away?

Because I still do.

No, the only what-if that I'm most concerned about, I would say, is what if my sister and I don't have a relationship anymore because the one person that brought us,

he didn't bring us together.

The reason we're connected is gone.

We don't have that in common anymore.

Like we do, but we don't.

I'm just scared that we won't have a relationship or like the reconnecting that we're having right now dissipates.

I don't want that to happen.

So that's like more the what if.

But outside of that,

I don't.

My sister fully encouraged me to go fight Susie.

Not actually fight her, but go confront her.

And so that's what I want to go do now.

And so really the what if the what if I would say regarding that is what if Susie can back up what she has to say?

Then you're going to be like super conflicted.

But I think going to Homesdale and getting your records is a very good idea.

Sign me up.

For sure.

Can I, you think I can make a request online?

Yeah.

so I'm Delaware Court is not online at all.

So I didn't know if I wonder if I could do it.

Okay.

Do you have any questions for me?

How often do you go visit your dad?

Do you have his ashes or is he literally in a wall?

He's literally, his body is inside of a wall.

Oh, have you seen it?

Have I seen his body?

No.

Like he's in his casket that we picked out.

Okay.

Yeah.

My mom will also go in there.

Okay.

Yeah.

And so it's like essentially a double wide trailer.

Basically.

Oh, um, Raymond lived in a single wide.

It's really deep back there.

So I stayed

when

he was getting buried, everybody left, and I stayed for him to go in the wall.

And

I remember them taking the thing because he's in a mausoleum.

So they take this thing off.

That's expensive.

Yeah, it's really expensive.

That was my dad's final wish because this man that I missed dearly was so dumb like any other man.

And he said,

oh,

it's climate controlled.

Who said that?

My My fucking father.

He wanted to be in a wall because it's climate control.

Climate control.

So when people come to visit, they don't have to worry about it.

It won't be cold or hot.

No, motherfucker, it's not.

Oh, it's not.

It's not climate controlled.

It is fucking hot in the summer and you're freezing your tits off in the wintertime.

Does not matter.

And it smells really bad.

Really?

They put like

air fresheners in there.

But once the bodies are decomposed, what is there to like over time?

Doesn't that go, does the gasket not bust open from the gas?

No.

The last time I went to visit him, taking this back to this, this little question, I think I texted you about this.

I'm pretty sure I did.

I think I texted you telling you it smelled like dead bodies in there.

And we had to report it to like the cemetery.

I don't know if their things were dying.

I don't know if, like, I don't know if the air fresheners were dying, but there was definitely a smell of like you cannot mistake the smell of death.

You cannot.

I've never smelled it.

I have because I was, I saw my dad a long time after he had passed away in the house because they had did a whole investigation and stuff

just because

the way he died.

The way he died and his age and whatever.

My mom did not kill him.

I did think that for a second, but she did not.

You should write a thriller book.

Maybe.

You thought your mom killed him?

Briefly.

They argued that day.

So it was a little sus, but it was fine.

You know?

Debbie.

Debbie.

But like, also, I was young.

I was 18.

I saw him.

I'm like, why does his neck look broken?

I have to ride for my mom.

You're already gone.

I'm really sorry about that.

I'm really sorry about that.

It wasn't good.

Y'all already heard about my cheating scandals.

With that came an imbalanced pH.

So let's talk about it.

O Positive is a women's health company.

They offer a range of symptom targeting supplements that support women in every stage of life, from their first period to well-beyond their last.

So if you've been with a cheater, your pH is probably off too.

O Positive is also available at Target and on Amazon.

Eurovaginal Probiotics is one of the top five supplements on Amazon, and they have multiple number one products in Target for intimate care, PMS, and menopause categories.

If you're wondering what's so special about OPositive's products, they create real, tangible results with ingredients that are backed by clinical studies and shaped by board-certified doctors.

O Positive is so committed to breaking down stigmas and addressing issues many women experience, hormone health, vaginal health, menopause, and so much more.

Euro is a probiotic blend specifically formulated to support vaginal health.

We're talking about balancing healthy vaginal pH, supporting healthy vaginal smell, maintaining healthy vaginal flora.

We all know that sex, tight clothing, sweat from working out, hormones, periods, and cheaters can all disrupt vaginal health and lead to an imbalance of vaginal flora and pH, causing unhealthy vaginal odor or taste, abnormal discharge, and discomfort.

Eurovaginal probiotic is a blend of four powerful strains of lactobacillus probiotics, backed by research showing these strains support healthy vaginal odor, vaginal pH, and flora.

In addition, Euro contains prebiotics that increase the effectiveness of the probiotics.

They make it very easy when taken daily, two capsules a day.

Euro delivers noticeable benefits within eight weeks.

Many see results sooner.

Many customers also talk about how the improvement in vaginal health led to greater confidence as well as better sex and intimacy.

Take proactive care of your health and head to opositive.com/slash famous or enter famous at checkout for 25% off your first purchase.

That's O-P-O-S-I-T-I-V.com/slash famous for 25% off.

So, but it was just

gases.

So, the, so

was there a fresh body in there?

Because at some point, no, like the fresh bodies aren't the ones that stink.

But what I did learn when I did a quick Google search, like, do mausoleums smell?

Can they smell and why?

There's supposed to be like drains and stuff in there because I guess your body like liquefies basically at some point and it's supposed to be able to flow out in a way.

And if it doesn't and it gets stuck in there, then it stinks.

And sometimes it like drips down the it can drip down like the mausoleum, and all kinds of shit can happen.

So I was pissed off because of how fucking expensive it is to even get into a mausoleum.

I'm still stuck on the part where you said that it liquefies.

So, um, if it like

get left, but like why do people get buried?

Because I don't want that to happen.

I guess you go back to the business.

What is the purpose of paying for a casket, a funeral, all of these things, a mausoleum To make you feel better.

No.

And to give you a place to go visit somebody.

I used to go a lot.

I used to go a lot because it would bring me like not really peace, but like, it just felt like I was like closer to him when I was younger.

Cause I was so fucking lost of just like

it was so unexpected too.

So it's not like there was any prep.

So I was like, I don't even know what to do.

So I used to go more.

Now I go on Father's Day and at some point around Christmas, I try to go on Christmas Day, but it's hard now that I'm married because I have to go do the whole split holiday thing.

I try to go.

Um,

but like, I, I feel him, I think about him when I'm at home, when I'm doing stuff, when I'm driving, like, so it's not, I don't feel like I have to go specifically there to think about him or like, I don't feel him there.

He's, he's not there.

Like, he's just not there.

Like, his body's there.

What the?

Like, what are you going to do?

I literally went on Father's Day this year.

That's when it smelled really bad.

It was hot as fuck.

And I literally said, I knocked on the thing and I was like on his little headstone thing and i knocked on it and i said it fucking smells it's not climate controlled and i'm pissed off so i got to go outside because my mom's parents are in the same one so when i walk in there i've got relatives so one of them is liquefied one of them is liquefying you don't know if it's your dad or your grandparents 50 some people in there I'm not a one to be in a fucking mausoleum with people I don't know.

If you're going to put me in a mausoleum, you better put all your own little feet of us in there.

Well, then you're looking at like

a family.

What would that run me?

It's

depends on how gaudy you want it to be because they have those in that cemetery

put me in a crypt like put me in a crypt put me in a crypt with all my children i mean you have enough i don't i don't have a spouse currently oh their spouse oh fuck yeah i will say when i got diagnosed with ms i was like if i kick it before you i might need to take your place to my mom wait is there enough room for you in that mausoleum i don't they might have an open spot My mom was like, you and Corey should

reach out to the office and ask them.

At any point, do they take the caskets out and build somebody else no they just build another mausoleum like they stay in there for a long next time i go i'm gonna face time you i'll throw up but you can't smell it through face time no but i don't even i'll have to face time you from in it and like we'll go examine like

the

longest person that's been in there because your death dates are on your thing if someone buries an urn full of ashes, do we have to request from the cemetery for them to be dug up so I can have them instead yes if anybody gets buried you have to request an was it exhuming exhibition my grandparents like I want their ashes and nobody ever asked me did I want any ashes that's really fucking sad like no one even asked me that's really sad I might ask text my uncle hey do you think I could exhume my grandparents because he's probably power of attorney just get some of their ashes out yeah Because I fucking loved them.

They also scam the fuck out of you at cemeteries, too.

Like when you're in a mausoleum.

I want to own a funeral home at this point.

I mean, they make fucking banks.

Because funeral homes, unless you're going to, when you're all out of business, somebody's always dying.

You're never going to.

This is morbid.

I mean, it is, but it's this, that's why they call it the business of death.

Well, sign me up.

It's like part of it.

Killer funeral homes.

You just could just do killer.

Nothing, just killer.

Killer death services.

Like, it's in, it's insane.

But killer.

Yeah.

To answer your question, killer funerals.

I don't go as often.

I don't go as often as I used to.

Okay.

Because I don't feel the need to anymore.

So do you, since you said that funeral homes make bank, do would you say that that would be a good business venture for us?

I mean, I said that when my dad died.

So should we do it?

Well, now we're both of our, so it's like Kayla and Kristen at it again.

Welcome to the Dead Dads Club.

You are signing up with Killer Funeral Homes.

And the K is for Kaylin Kristen.

You know?

Like the K is for we didn't kill him.

We didn't kill them, but we'll keep them.

We'll bury them in a mausoleum.

They'll liquefy at Killer Mausoleum.

Do you have any other questions for me involving

death?

But

I'm sure that this is a roller coaster and I'm going to cry at times.

I don't understand because grief works in really weird ways.

And I'm

on top of this, for anyone wondering, Buddha also has cancer.

So it's like going through it.

I learned that in the same week my dad died.

You're going through it.

It's rough.

I don't have any other questions at the moment.

That's fine.

Beginning of the episode, you said when you found out you were crying and then you would stop.

And then you were, and then Monday, you were crying and then you would stop.

That is literally grief.

That is so normal.

I could be fine for six months and not cry about my dad.

And something happens, and I am a fucking nightmare.

Ask Warri.

It's not good.

No, it's rough.

It's really bad.

And it could be the dumbest shit.

And a lot of people say the first year is so hard when somebody passes away.

For me, it was actually the second year.

Really?

Because you expect it.

People tell you this year is going to be hard, right?

Like you're missing all the firsts and whatever, whatever.

You, people tell you that it's going to get better.

It doesn't actually get better.

You just get used to it.

The best way I can describe this, somebody described it to me this way, and that's how I completely agree.

Grief is like a ball in a box.

And right now, the box is very, very small.

So the ball is constantly hitting all sides of the box.

So it's more frequent.

When you're longer out, you get a bigger box.

The box gets bigger, but the ball is still there.

there, and it fucking slams at the most unexpected moments into a side, and the side would be you, and you lose your mind.

Interesting.

That was like the best depiction I've ever heard.

I don't know that I'll have that same you had a very different situation because it's not like I'm doing anything without him, I never did anything with him.

No, but I think it's more internal for you, like it's a lot of internal thoughts.

Like, nobody knew how you felt, nobody knew.

Well, I always said that you don't miss what you never had, you have always for me.

It was like, I can't miss my dad because I never had him.

I can miss what I never have because I'm more so grieving the loss of what I could have had had the adults got their shit together.

Correct.

And

my mom knew about my sister.

My sister's mom knew about me.

My grandparents knew about my sister.

Everyone knew about each other and none of them could get their shit together.

So it's like, I'm grieving that.

Yeah.

And that's hard.

And it's very lonely.

I would like to end this episode

saying that when I left my dad, I said, I don't know if I'll ever see you again.

I left there thinking he would live for another year or two.

That's what I thought.

No hug, no handshake, no anything.

But it was like, I'm glad we did this.

He said he was glad we did this.

And,

you know, if you could tell him something.

I would say

thank you for making time for my sister and I to go there.

Brought me peace that I didn't expect.

I was, and I'm not mad because I left when I left, he said, You still look mad.

And I would tell him I'm not mad anymore.

So

I hope he didn't, I hope he died quickly and I hope he died painlessly.

And I don't know that we'll ever know that.

I hope he didn't, he had COPD.

So I hope he didn't suffocate.

You know what I mean?

Like, I hope he didn't wake up and was like, can't breathe.

I hope it was peaceful for him.

And I, I, I truly think that he did what he could to his ability

with him being as poor as he was.

And also just,

you cannot tell me that he is, that the birth, the birth injury wasn't real because I saw it.

Like that, you don't just, you don't just have people walking around like that for no reason.

And I don't think that was his fault.

Yeah.

So that's what I would say.

If you, do you feel like you asked all your questions or if you had one final one to ask, would you have anything?

No, I don't have any questions for him that he could have answered for me.

i asked literally everything i could think of and and he welcomed that too so just for anyone who's trolling and hates my guts he was ready to answer questions and expected it i'm really glad that you got to go i don't think that it makes the grief process any easier no you would have been grieving regardless I don't know though.

Like, I think I would be more angry.

It would be a very different grieving experience where like now I know where he like stood on everything.

I know what he sort of experienced and things like that.

So, I think that now I have like a softer spot for him.

Whereas, if I never would have gone, it would have been like a my dad's dead, like, I don't care kind of deal.

So, so, yeah, now you just have to work on that anger.

Yeah, so anyone else that has a dead parent, welcome to the club.

Sign up.

We'll probably have merch.

Get the Dead Dad's Club merch right here.

Right here.

Thank you.

Thanks, everyone.

Thanks, Kristen.

You're welcome.

This October, fear is free on Pluto TV with horror movie collections from paranormal activity, The Ring.

You will die in seven days.

Scream.

And from dusk till dawn.

This is my kind of place.

And don't miss the man-made nightmares in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein or the world-ending chaos in 28 days later.

Something in the blood.

All the scares, all for free.

Pluto TV.

Stream now, pay never.

Hi, I'm Adam Rippon, and this is Intrusive Thoughts, the podcast where I finally say the stuff out loud that's been living rent-free in my head for years.

From dumb decisions to awkward moments, I probably should have kept to myself, nothing's off-limits.

Yes, I'm talking about the time I lost my phone mid-flight and still haven't truly emotionally recovered from that.

There might be too many sound effects.

I've been told to chill.

Will I?

Unclear.

But if you've ever laid awake at night cringing at something you said five years ago, congratulations, you found your people.

Intrusive Thoughts with Adam Rappon is available now wherever you get your podcasts.

The questions start early.

How do I know when he's full?

Do babies hold grudges?

That's why we make one formula that feels right right away.

Backed by Breast Milk Science and built for babies' brains, bellies, and beyond.

Learn more at Biheart.com.

You want your master's degree.

You know you can earn it, but life gets busy.

The packed schedule, the late nights, and then there's the unexpected.

American Public University was built for all of it.

With monthly starts and no set login times, APU's 40-plus flexible online master's programs are designed to move at the speed of life.

Start your master's journey today at apu.apus.edu.

You want it?

Come get it at at APU.