Episode 125 - Goodbye Jacobinius Arse

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is brought to you by the Victory Sausage, the limited edition commemorative sausage from Mitchells.

If it's not Mitchell's, get back in the truck.

For the first time since VJ Day in 1945, Mitchell's has released a Victory Sausage, this time to mark the end of the Jacobinius ass syndrome pandemic, a disease for which we will never truly know the cause.

Made using ground quail penis and mulched public safety pamphlets, and suitable for both cattle and humans.

This sausage is the perfect way to celebrate with your herd.

Every order of 100 victory sausages or more receives a free pheasant.

Simply use the code what could go wrong?

Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by the Mitchells Victory Sausage.

And of course, the creation of that victory sausage can mean only one thing, an end to the Jacobinius arse syndrome pandemic.

The disease, also known as closed arse syndrome, which is estimated to have killed over 200 million cattle worldwide and forced many farmers to try and diversify by pulling tourists around on an inflatable tire across a greased tarpaulin, has finally been vanquished thanks to the discovery in the USA of a procedure which can be carried out on cows that prevents the anus closing in the event of an infection.

You have no doubt been part of the celebrations wherever it is you live, celebrations the likes of which haven't been seen since the end of World War II.

And just like at the end of World War II, I kissed a sailor.

Anyway, we asked network members to call the Beef and Dairy Network onto phone and leave a message telling us what they did to celebrate the end of Jacobinius' ass syndrome.

When I heard the news, I ran to the barn, and there was my cow's ass open and wide and proud, the morning sun glittering like diamonds on its pearlescent, prolapsed rim.

and I spontaneously started singing Ave Maria.

I ran to my nearest beef information center and I don't know why but I burned it to the ground.

When I heard the news I took a celebratory tirade on a greased up tarpaulin.

I just stared at my cow's open asses

and I wept.

When

I heard that the disease had been cured, I

don't know why, but I just started

chain-eating sausages until I barfed hard at my nephew's christening.

When I saw that my cow's asses were finally open, I jumped on the back of my favorite bull, thinking I would have a joyful ride.

And he threw me off almost instantly.

and I broke 37 bones.

The news created this amazing community spirit, and everyone started exchanging towels and trousers with their neighbours.

Well, I'm a relatively quiet man, and I don't see many people, but

the day that the news broke, there was a con collide on our cul-de-sac.

And I thought, oh, why not, Jerry?

Go and have some fun with the young people.

So

long story short,

now I'm on the game.

Thanks to everyone who called in.

So, how close are we to a Jacobinius free world?

The preventative procedure was discovered only three weeks ago, and since that time cases in the USA have dropped by over 90%.

The first country in Europe to declare itself Jacobinius free was Belgium, followed by Norway, Slovakia, and France.

And just today, the UK Royal Veterinary College has said that they believe that Jacobinius will be completely beaten here in Britain by the end of next week.

However, little is known publicly about how the solution was discovered.

Until now.

Earlier this week, I spoke to a friend of the show, Nicholas Summers, of Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers Lead and Beef Ass Company.

Nicholas Summers, welcome to the show.

Hello there, thanks so much for having me back.

Now, for listeners who may not be familiar with your work you are a former scuba diver who then more recently discovered a cosmetic procedure we might call it that where you funnel uh beef mints and hot lead into people's arse region to create a really round what you call the dump truck ass yes the the perfect dump truck ass exactly Yeah.

And we talked to you before about this.

You created your own company, Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers Lead and Beef Ass Company.

And,

you know, as we finished our interview last time, I wished you the best of luck with that because

I was excited about what you might be able to do there.

Now, a couple of things to cover.

I guess the first thing is people will be thinking, why are we talking to you today in this episode all about the end of Jacobinius R syndrome?

But you're here to tell us a little bit about your surprising part, maybe, in

bringing that horrible epidemic to an end.

Yes.

But before we get on to that, maybe you can tell us about the fortune of the business because I believe that soon after we spoke, I mean, you were hoping, of course, that our podcast would lead some publicity for you and maybe would lead to more success for the business.

But it sounds like actually after we spoke, it very quickly hit the skins.

Yes,

it very quickly

did not do well, despite my best efforts to kind of promote the business on here and through other mediums.

Yes, Jose, I guess the nail in the coffin was Jose and I choosing to.

So Jose was your was your business, Jose was your business partner.

Yes, a business partner,

I guess, yes, he was the driver of the boat from which we base the company in international waters.

Whether you call that a business partner or not is up for debate.

He didn't own any equity in the business, but I would often say he's a business partner in order to kind of keep him calm.

Yes, so Jose and myself, we decided to go our separate ways.

On reflection, I think a lot of that was due to the fact that I repeatedly piped hot mints and molten lead into his arse region.

I can understand why that would have made him get cold feet,

let's say.

Because you were kind of using him, I guess, as a kind of guinea pig.

Is that what you're getting at?

Like when you didn't have clients there who were getting their lead and beef arse done, you were just pumping it directly into his arse?

Yes, I mean, guinea pig, I would contest.

It was more that we had a lot of quite expensive fresh beef that would have gone rancid were it not used.

So, you know, I was sort of sat there just watching thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds sort of just go putrid on my watch.

So it got to a point where I thought, Jesus Christ, we can't let it all go to waste.

And that, yes, that was, I guess, the point when I began piping it repeatedly into Jose's arse.

I have had some contact with Jose, actually,

just as part of the research ahead of this interview.

Yes.

He was telling me that his arse now counts as one of the world's biggest lead reserves.

Well, there we go.

I mean,

you know, if I'd have known that at the time, I probably would have said that to him and that might have influenced his, you know, his staying in the company.

It just, I'm not sure.

I don't know if he was, when he was telling me that, I don't know if he was telling me that as a positive.

I don't think he was saying, oh, on the upside, my arse is one of the world's biggest lead reserves.

It was more like,

it got to the stage where it was so much that my ass is one of the world's biggest lead reserves.

Do you see what I mean?

Like a more negative slant on that.

Right.

Yes.

Well, well, maybe that gets to the heart of the miscommunication between myself and Jose that led to the collapse of the business because I don't see any negative in someone's ass being the largest lead deposit.

I mean, it's a valuable metal.

It's very useful.

And also, I guess, you know, lead gets stolen all the time.

And it's never more secure than in someone's ass.

So

I take Jose's point.

But you're saying that you have a fundamental difference in the way you look at this.

You have a more positive outlook when it comes to what you were doing when he was a negative.

You're saying he was a negative presence in the business.

I guess you could say that.

Also, the fact that Jose only speaks Portuguese and I never made any effort to learn, absolutely no effort to learn that language, I guess also.

was an issue.

Do you think you were ever in a situation where you were saying to Jose, right, I'm going to pump some more lead and mints into your ass, and he wouldn't understand you.

And if he was saying to you, no, don't do that, you wouldn't understand him.

Yes, exactly.

I think

that's probably what happened on many occasions.

You know, I, again, I see the positives in everything.

You know, if someone is screaming at the top of their lungs,

you know, their veins popping in their neck, I'm more likely to see that as a kind of a positive expression.

Do you know what I mean?

My brain doesn't jump to that's someone in distress.

That's someone who's having a good time.

Do you know what I mean?

So I mean someone who's excited.

Exactly.

Someone who's excited.

And, you know,

sue me.

I'm an optimist.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't, you know, there's enough bad stuff in the world without going around thinking that every anguished scream is that rather than, you know, a kind of happy encouragement to have more beef and lead pumped into your ass.

So the business came to an end.

As you said, you were working on a boat in international waters.

I believe Jose then sailed you to the nearest port, which was Boston.

Correct.

And it is at this point that

your journey towards creating a cure for Jacobinus R.

Syndrome begins.

Now, it's a long and knotty story, and I'm excited to have you tell it to me and for the listeners to hear it.

But would you say that was the turning point?

Yes, it was the turning point for the business.

Certainly, you know, there was a lot of reflection once the boat had docked in the harbor, once the port authorities had kind of, you know, got a few cranes in to hoist Jose

off of the boat, you know, while I was kind of watching him hanging in the air, not really able to do much with his limbs due to the sheer density of his arse.

Yeah, that was a point of reflection for me.

You know, while I was watching Jose sort of hang lamely in the air, being slowly lowered onto the harbor, I was looking around and it did strike me that a lot of Americans actually in that area did have an arse very much like Jose's.

Kind of similar.

By which

you don't mean full of lead though?

No, no, precisely.

No,

I guess it's more the dump truck shape,

you know,

very extremely round

kind of jelly-like asses, a lot of those.

And I thought, you know, this is a nation that really values its kind of juggly behinds.

And I thought, actually, maybe this, again, ever the optimist, maybe this is actually the best thing to have happened to the business.

And at that point, one of the hooks from the cranes holding Jose gave way and he fell directly through the harbor floor.

And so I see.

So that positivity came through again and you saw an opportunity rather than maybe Jose, who would have seen a problem again.

I don't want to be too down on Jose, but

exactly.

Yeah, I'm glad you see it that way.

Well, yeah, but also added to that, I would imagine the thing you must have realized is that the regulations and the red tape around doing medical procedures in America is much more lax than it is here in Europe.

So, of course, you were never able to set up shop here in Europe or in the UK, but in the US, you can basically do what you want.

Absolutely.

Yeah, it is a real free-for-all.

You know, you associate medical procedures in Europe and the UK, you know, with kind of hospitals,

you know, whitewashed walls, at the very least, solid buildings.

Whereas in the United States, I was able to operate

this cosmetic procedure off the back of a hot dog stand.

You know, the first thing I did actually was buy a hot dog stand.

I was trying to think, you know, how do you attract attract Americans?

The first answer to that question is they love hot dogs.

So I bought a stand.

I started wheeling it round, you know, popping it outside courthouses, malls,

frying some onions.

And before you know it, you've got a crowd.

And at that point, the sales pitch begins.

You know, as I mentioned, a lot of these Americans have dumped truck asses already.

But I would then go on to say, you know, how resilient?

is that ass?

You know, are you happy with your ass?

A lot of them would say, yes, I'm very happy with my ass.

But yeah, how resilient is it?

How long is that going to last?

As you age, will the shape lessen?

Will it get a bit flabbier?

I mean, it's only natural.

You know, it's part of the natural aging process.

And then, you know, people start nodding.

Yeah, they've, you know, they've got ketchup and mustard all around their face and their ears prick up and they're still moving the onions and popping it on top of their breakfast.

And I'm going on like this, you know, what about a strong...

metallic but also easily caressable ass.

Oh, that sounds, yeah, that sounds really good.

Again, more ketchup, mustard.

And before you know it, I've got upwards of 50% of that crowd agreeing to there and then get on all fours and

sort of see the end of my power washer, you know, just piping mince and lead into their ass.

And another thing that would have been going in your favor, I imagine, is that, of course, Americans, they associate a British accent with intelligence, with trustworthiness.

Yes, absolutely.

Is that something that you found?

Oh, God, yes.

God, yes.

Actually,

a huge number of the Americans that I spoke to thought I was King Charles.

Oh, really?

Yes,

I don't really know why.

But, I mean, I wasn't going to stop them from thinking that, you know, because at that point, I'd got them wrapped around my little finger.

They think I was the monarch of the United Kingdom.

They'll do

whatever I say.

And is that then something that you would try and disabuse them of, or would you just lean into it?

Oh, God, no, no.

I'd absolutely lean into it, like any good businessman.

I headed to Burger King, got a crown.

You know, the next day, I'd kind of, on my way to work, I'd kind of collect some bits of police tape that I'd use to fashion a rudimentary ermine robe.

And yeah, that second day, sales went through the roof.

Why they thought King Charles would be operating a cosmetic arse company out of a hot dog stand was a question that

they never seemed to ask themselves.

But yeah, I wasn't going to correct them.

At one point, actually, I'd just have to start clicking my fingers and they'd get down on all fours, pointing their ass at me.

Ready for that hose.

But I believe that you,

I guess you could say, you became a victim of your own success.

Maybe you could tell our listeners about what happened next.

Sure.

So, you know, we're familiar with the initial struggles that I had with Spherical Horizons, kind of getting it off the ground.

So, as you can imagine, this quite sad beginning to this new chapter, losing Jose, not really knowing what to do next,

when I discovered that actually operating out of a hot dog stand and pretending to be King Charles was, you know, the kind of rocket boosters this business needed, I guess you could say I maybe got a little overconfident.

You know,

when you're kind of stood there in front of crowds of people who are just kind of clapping and cheering and braying

while you power wash mince and lead into a random person's ass,

you do, it's kind of, it starts to take on that feel of a performance.

I started to add a little few, few kind of performative flourishes and, you know, what do Americans love?

They love the Wild West.

So I kind of started introducing a Wild West theme while I delivered the procedures.

And I kind of, I built some big saloon doors.

You know, I'd dress in cowboy boots and basically I'd place a kind of patient, you know,

on the floor kind of in front of the saloon doors.

And what I'd end up doing is I'd kind of get the crowd clapping and chanting.

And then I'd kick through the saloon doors, power washer in hand, and I'd say, always the same catchphrase, I'm going to pump you full of lead.

And the crowd would go wild.

They would, you know, hot dogs thrown in the air.

There's onions everywhere.

They just loved it.

And it went on like that for

weeks, you know, the same catchphrase, the same routine.

People never got bored of it.

It was a real spectacle.

But like a lot of successors, I guess, you know, the downfall came quite unexpectedly, quite suddenly, when

one day I, again, as normal, put on my cowboy boots.

The saloon doors were there, patient on the floor, arse in the air.

kicked the saloon doors down, threw my head back and screamed, I'm going to pump you full of lead.

And just as I was kind of bringing the mint power hose into place, I was tasered by 14 police officers who mistook my catchphrase for a threat.

Oh, they thought you were going to shoot someone?

They thought I was about to mow someone down in the street.

Yeah, you'll be familiar with the saying.

I didn't actually, I wasn't familiar with it, hence I got into this mess.

But there is a saying in America, I think famous amongst 1920s, gangsters, I'm going to pump you full of lead refers to bullets.

And I didn't know that.

No, you were then, I believe, arrested and charged.

But it wasn't the misunderstanding with the lead catchphrase and the gun that you were charged for, was it?

It was something else.

So that would be,

ironically, operating a hot dog stand without a license.

Yes.

I mean,

and I didn't realize that it's actually, that is an incredibly serious offence in Baltimore.

So, you know, there I was innocently just using the hot dog stand to operate my cosmetic procedure.

I had nothing to do with operating a cosmetic procedure on the street.

Again, I want to stress that the medical institutions in the United States are more than happy with that.

But operating a hot dog stand without a license will land you 35 years in jail.

So that's what they got me on.

And when I got to jail, most of the people in there, I was shocked to discover, were in there for the same thing.

So what proportion would you estimate of the people inside the prison where you went to, which was a Supermax prison near Baltimore, how many of the people in there were there because they had run an unlicensed hot dog stand?

I'd say upwards of 80%.

Yeah.

Wow.

80%.

And then I'd say the rest, the other 20% was kind of, you know,

drug-related crimes.

And then you've got a couple of pedos in there as well.

More from Nicholas later, including how he was involved in bringing Jacobinius to an end.

But first, I'm going to speak with our new foreign correspondent, Rodney Woodlodge.

Previous to being our foreign correspondent, he used to put up details of events on our website before a short and disastrous spell as our arts correspondent.

Not sure why we've even trusted him with the foreign correspondent job, but it's out of my hands.

So we sent Rodney to the first country in Europe to declare itself Jacobinhas Free, Belgium, to see how the celebrations are going.

So first of all, Rodney, hello and well done on your new appointment.

Thank you so much.

I'm very, very excited to be this show's foreign correspondent.

Very, very happy indeed.

I love receptions, dignitaries with this appointment.

You are spoiling us, Ambassador.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, it's worth mentioning, of course, you were previously our theatre correspondent.

Yes.

You turned out not to be very good at that, so maybe just remember to concentrate on this and try and do your best on this one because you're on thin ice.

Well, that's your perception.

You know, the arts are subjective.

There's no good art or bad art.

Likewise, there's no good corresponding on the arts or bad corresponding on the arts.

What I did was just my own thing.

Okay, well, just to say, you know, let's turn over a new leaf and let's hope that you've taken to being a foreign correspondent.

Yes.

Like a duck to waters.

Like a duck to foreign waters, international waters, you might say.

There we go.

A great start already.

So we, of course, have sent you over to Brussels in Belgium.

Belgium, of course, the first country in Europe to completely eradicate Jacobini SR syndrome.

We've all seen the photographs of the street parties and the reaction over there.

And we thought we'd send someone over there to soak up the atmos.

Rodney, what's it like?

On the street, not as jubilant as I expected.

I saw a few groups of tourists wandering around and one man wearing a top hat, a long black cloak, and chanting at Leeds Ghost Walk, which I thought was a bit strange.

But sorry, did you say Leeds Ghost Walk?

Yeah, I thought that was strange as well, but I suppose in this pan-global city, you've got all different options for all different kinds of people, haven't you?

And I have to say, I've been very, very well accommodated here.

You know, I got off the train and straight away I was greeted by hordes of English-speaking people.

You know, I even tried to learn a bit of French and a touch of Flemish when I got here.

But I have to say, say, every time I try to use it on anybody, nobody's got the merest idea what I'm saying.

Rodney,

is there a chance that you're not in Brussels?

I don't think that's possible because I certainly went online and looked for train to Brussels.

And, you know, a few clicks over, I was slightly distracted because I had spilled milk from my cereal bowl on my trousers.

Anyway, the more I think about it, I'm sure I have to be in Brussels because I'd always been told that the Central City Museum in Brussels was a real sight to behold.

And I went around and sure enough, it was filled with incredible exhibitions.

In fact, there was one really amazing one about the history of the city of Leeds.

Okay, Rodney,

I think I can see what's happened there.

You are in Leeds, but no,

I don't think that's possible, actually.

No, in fact, no, I'm sure it's not, because earlier today, I saw Alan Bennett walking down the street, and I remember that because I thought to myself, how weird that Alan Bennett would be in Brussels.

Okay, Ronnie, well, all's not lost because, of course, I asked you to go out and record some Vox pops with people on the streets.

Did you?

Uh, and of course, while the celebrations are taking place in Belgium, also, there'll be people with interesting points of view in Leeds, of course.

So, um, let's listen to some of those Vox pops you recorded for us.

The voice

yes, yeah, I did.

Um, I recorded some of some of those ones earlier on the streets.

Click.

Uh, I am so excited.

That was that's a lady there, uh, continental lady.

Click.

Um, sorry, I mean, okay, Rodney, listen, um, it's obvious that you're in Leeds, you don't have to.

No, no, there was, there's a, one, one more.

No, you've spoken to Belgian people.

You can just there was one, there was, you can just play me the recordings of the people you actually spoke to in Leeds.

That's fine.

You have to pretend you were in Belgium.

Right, no, because no, because I've come to Brussels and this, here is the proof.

My interview with the King of Belgium.

Rodney.

O deu is a naughty jerkini erse.

Wow, that's so interesting.

And you, as the king, you must feel jubilant about this.

Erta used a quote hurt urpe.

Rodney.

Yes?

Rodney, that's

completely unacceptable.

That's not the king of Belgium.

I mean, yes, he had a crown.

Okay, here's a little test for you.

What's the name of the king of Belgium?

Belbus I.

Okay, Rodney, I think it's probably time for you you to come back.

No,

please don't make me come back.

Well, be having a word with HR about that.

I don't think you can continue to be the force of

it.

This is an outrage.

This is a witch hunt.

It's not a witch hunt.

I just think that you need to go back to working on the website.

No, I don't want to.

I'm not ever that good at that, to be honest.

Please don't make me go back.

You can't sack me anyway.

I've learned German.

Okay, okay.

I don't think you have.

I mean, say something in German then.

Icha

Ichanama Ichenama Rodney.

Okay, Rodney.

Nieden dash toilet.

I think look out for an email from HR on Monday, and

we'll go from there.

But thank you.

Well, not even...

Well, thank you.

Please let me be the foreign correspondent.

You're certainly never going to be the foreign correspondent.

If you don't, I'll hurt you.

Rodney, you can't say that kind of thing.

I mean, that's counting against me.

Well, that's taken out of context.

You can't mess with me.

I'm not the sort of man.

I'm not the sort of person that you can lead up the garden path, matey.

I've got friends in dangerous places.

You might do, but you wouldn't know where to find them.

You'd probably go to the wrong country, let alone the right city.

Bloody hell.

You bastard.

Just you wait till I speak to my mum.

Your mum?

Your mum?

All right, Rodney, thank you very much.

I am the eye of the storm.

Okay, bye.

Now, back to our big interview with Nicholas Summers.

So you're sentenced to 35 years in a Supermax prison.

Tell me about that first night.

That must have been tough.

Yeah, well,

the first

night's sleep was

a little rocky.

You know, there's lots of lots of noise on a prison wing, lots of kind of threatening sounds coming from the other cells.

And, you know, I'm sure you're familiar with what they say about American prisons, which is, you know, what you should do on your first day is walk straight up to the biggest guy and punch him in the face, you know, just to show you're not to be messed around with.

Obviously, I wasn't going to do that.

But what I did do is I walked straight up to the biggest guy and looked him dead in the eyes and said, I could give you

the perfect ass,

the most round and beautiful dump truck ass you could possibly imagine.

All I need is a power hose, 10 kilograms of beef, and as much lead as you can find.

And how did that go down with him?

As it so happened,

the big guy of the wing, the king of the wing, was a guy called Grinder, and he was the largest proprietor of unlicensed hot dog carts in the entire Baltimore region.

Right.

So he'd at that point known that I was in for hot dog related crimes.

So already we were kind of operating on fairly similar terms.

Do you know what I mean?

He's thinking, as I'm walking up, is he a hot dog guy?

Is he a drug guy or is he a pedo?

And I'm very happy, very happy to tell you that he did land on hot dog to begin with.

I'm a hot dog guy.

So yeah, we kind of got off on the right foot.

And

being a purveyor of so many hot dog carts means that you can, of course, sneak a lot of stuff into prison.

So getting the power washer lead and beef was

no problem at all.

Oh, right.

Really?

So he's so powerful in the world of unlicensed hot dog carts that he can get a power washer into a prison.

Oh, absolutely.

I mean,

I'm sure it would surprise you to know that actually

a lot of visitors into prison,

the hot dog cart is actually, they're very popular.

You know, you'd look at a visiting, a visitation room at a prison and you would expect every person there to have their own hot dog cart.

It's just something, it's just something that kind of happens in Baltimore.

You know, it's not, people kind of use them like handbags.

So they're not actually, it wouldn't look unusual for someone to come into prison with a hot dog cart.

So obviously if you're if you're the kingpin of hot dog carts, it's not going to be difficult at all for someone to bring in one of those carts with all of the goods that you so desire.

And then how'd you get it from the cart then, past the guards back into the prison?

Well, it was actually a very easy system.

What would happen is

everyone, all of the inmates would suddenly go, oh my God, is that King Charles?

Point at me.

All of the staff at the prison, all of the visitors would gasp, again, thinking I was King Charles.

And then, yeah, all of the hot dog carts just smuggled into the cells.

So you had all the things you needed.

You have that beef.

You've got the lead.

You've got the power washer.

That's right.

How quickly were you able to administer that perfect dump truck ass?

So, yeah, we just waited till that evening.

Grinder came into my cell and yeah, he sort of bent over and I gave him that perfect, perfect arse.

So I imagine then you having given that ass to the king of the wing, you have a kind of privileged place then within the prison hierarchy or looked after.

Life's good, I guess, you know, relatively speaking.

Yes, life was very, very good.

Basically, more and more inmates basically

wanted the procedure done.

And that was something that because Grinder is, you know, he's at heart a very, very kind of generous man, he allowed, yeah, all of the hot dog vendors, the people who are in there for hot dog-related crimes, to have the procedure done.

So, yeah, three days after getting all of the equipment, 80% of the wing had dump truck asses as well.

And at that point, I'm hailed as a king, both because I've delivered the asses and also a lot of them did still think I was King Charles for some reason.

Now, this is obviously a fantastic story, but I think some of our listeners will be thinking, okay, great, but what's this got to do with Jacobinius R.

Syndrome?

Well,

about six months into my 35-year sentence,

you know, I was sat in the canteen and I saw on the news, just like everyone else, I suppose, that Jacobinius R.

Syndrome was back.

And then the next morning, we were all woken up in our cells and we were told by the guards that you're getting out today.

And I mean, you can imagine what we all thought.

I mean,

we were pumping our fists,

couldn't quite believe believe what we were hearing.

And, you know, what do you mean we're getting out?

It's like, boys, you're all getting out today.

Unbelievable stuff.

It was a wonderful morning.

But obviously, all of that joy quickly came to an end when we were suddenly chained together.

And that's when...

the dots started to be connected.

You know, the Jacobinius R syndrome on the news the night before, suddenly we're being chained up and being told to head out down the highway and rip off as many penises from as many quails as we could find.

Okay, so you've basically been put into what I guess is called a chain gang.

Yes.

And yes, obviously most listeners will know that one of the early actions that most governments worldwide took was to encourage people to twist the penises off quails.

It was believed that that would curb the pandemic.

Precisely.

We know now that actually that didn't make much of a difference.

No.

But at the time, that was very much

all we had.

Yes.

Not a very nice task.

And of course, in Britain here, you know, if a member of the public twisted off a quail's penis and took it to their local beef information centre, they'd be given a badge and a packet of crisps.

But I imagine you weren't getting anything like that.

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

No, no, no.

Absolutely nothing in return.

And of course, you mentioned that twisting off the quail penises did nothing to stem the spread of Jacobinius syndrome.

I mean, I can one-up you

in that actually letting out the prisoners who have been cooped up inside for sometimes decades out into the wild, you give them a quail,

it's pretty clear what's going to happen.

Those quails are unfortunately

of course.

And of course,

the one thing we all know is that the only way that a human being can contract Jacobinus syndrome is to conduct sexual congress with a mega quail.

which is a hybrid between a quail and a GM quail.

And so I think I I feel like I know where this is going.

Exactly.

Yes.

And I mean, you know,

I don't think

us prisoners are to blame.

You know, you're told you're getting out and then suddenly you're chained up and told to twist penises off quails.

That, you know,

you're going to have to look on the bright side, dare I say.

You know, a bit of my optimism had clearly started rubbing off on the other inmates because, you know, we were all stood there chained up, quail penises in hand, thinking, you know, how do we get something out of this sorry state of affairs?

By the end of that day, I think the prison staff could tell that they'd made a boo-boo, you know, when they realized that every prisoner had had their way with a quail that day.

And so they were braced for an enormous outbreak of Jacobinius R.

syndrome.

You know, they'd got the medical staff on standby,

and

the outbreak never came.

So are you telling me that no one amongst that prison population contracted Jacobini-Saul syndrome?

Well, no one who had had the lead, beef, ass procedure done.

As I kind of alluded to,

that was because of Grinder and

the influence he had over the hot dog-related criminals.

It was only the hot dog-related criminals that had had the procedure done.

The druggies and the pedos,

they caught it bad.

So those guys that had that dump drug ass that you'd given them by pumping in the beef and lead, why is it then that they didn't contract Jacobinius R syndrome?

The sheer amount of lead

in their arse region essentially kept the ass hole open.

It was not possible.

The disease could not physically close that arsehole.

And at what point did you realize that, and I'm slightly skipping ahead in the story here, that you had cured Jacobinius R.

Syndrome or at least you'd come up with some kind of way of stopping it in humans at least I realized quite um immediately the connection but um people because of the severity of the outbreak they they thought I was a kind of raving lunatic you know I'm saying I've cured this I this isn't going to affect us so actually what I had to do something that I'm still ashamed of to this day which is I of course had to perform sexual intercourse with a quail in front of the prison governor so it was very clear that you were on something and I believe that within a few days you were speaking with the White House and cutting a deal with the administration there to secure your own freedom in return for this cure.

So I cut a deal with the US government that basically said I could be released to perform the procedure, the lead arse procedure on a cow, which would then be infected with the Jacobinius arse disease.

And if the cow survived, I would be released entirely.

The remainder of my sentence

simply blown away and I'd be set free.

And if it failed, I would be killed instantly by firing squad.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

I wonder why they put that second bit in.

Seems a bit unnecessary.

I thought...

the same.

Initially,

when I was trying to cut the deal, I said, I'm very happy with the first bit because because I'm you know pretty confident, but

having that firing squad to instantly kill me,

less keen on on that because yes, yes, I'm confident, but I'm very happy to just head back into prison if you know it should it fail and I'll just you know live out the rest of my 35 years, but no, they they weren't happy with that bit.

They wanted me shot dead instantly.

I could sort of still really haven't got my head around what what exactly they were going for and why they why they put that in.

But um yeah that's that's what they insisted um should be added to the end of the deal hmm i'm just um spitballing here really but could it be that you know america it's the home of of hollywood of ritzy entertainment and i wonder if they felt that adding that bit of jeopardy into the into the the sort of format of it all just sort of comes naturally to the americans well it's it's really funny you should say that because yeah i i was expecting to be to be whipped out to a kind of nondescript military facility, do the procedure.

If it's successful, great.

If not, I'd be killed instantly.

But actually, what happened was

I was carted off to a basically a TV studio, and I kind of led in.

There were all of these sort of studio lights.

The firing squad was decked out in sort of showbiz outfits.

There were cameras everywhere.

There's an entire studio audience sort of cheering and clapping.

You know,

it was basically

like a TV show.

I was going to perform the procedure on live television.

Now, of course, you didn't actually do it on live television.

You know, if that had been on television, that would have been a huge event and we'd all know about it.

So

what do you mean?

Yes, I should say, sorry, when I say live television, I mean actually

it was broadcast to an extremely exclusive group of of people who who had access to this extremely exclusive um streaming platform that you can actually only get access to if you're on Jeffrey Epstein's list.

Ah, okay.

Okay, interesting.

So that's why you haven't seen it.

Yes, okay.

And I guess, yeah, those guys might like the kind of thing where there's a bit of jeopardy that the guy doing the procedure might might get 20 bullets in his back.

So kind of checks out.

Yeah, I mean,

yeah, they famously have pretty pretty poor taste.

But yeah, I I guess so.

That's that's kind of what gets them going.

So there you are.

You're you're there to administer your lead and beef fast to to

to a cow.

Now, of course, in a way you're flying blind because you've done hundreds of these procedures on human beings, but you have never done it, I believe, on on a cow.

That must have been stressful.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah, it was uh and again, you know, I think that would have been slightly less stressful if I didn't have 15 sniper rifles trained on my head.

That really upped my nervousness.

Yes, the first time I'm doing the procedure, I did have to go on hunch.

And let me tell you, you do not want to be going on hunch with a firing squad in front of you.

I'll tell you that.

But,

you know, I've done hundreds, thousands of these procedures.

And of course, Jose,

with the multiple procedures I'd performed on him, he was actually larger than a cow, cow, but by the end, by the last few times I did the procedure on him.

So I knew roughly what I was doing.

So

you go ahead and do the procedure.

At that point, I guess the cow is, what, forcibly infected with Jacobini-Sar syndrome?

That's right.

Someone came in in a sort of hazmat suit.

They injected the disease into the cow, and then there was a very large 4K camera just trained directly on the cow's arsehole.

And should there be any contraction, any constriction of

that arsehole,

that would be the end for me.

The firing squad had cocked their weapons trained directly on my head and arse.

And yeah, so it was quite tense.

Now you're still with us, so I guess that cow's arsehole stayed open.

Exactly.

The cow was absolutely fine.

And then at that point, the firing squad put down their rifles.

They were no longer trained on my head.

They turned around, picked up some machine guns and machine-gunned the entire audience.

I celebrated the end of Jacobinius R syndrome the same way I celebrated Elizabeth II's silver jubilee.

On the roof of my house, glass of port and a cigar, fully naked.

News of the cure spread from house to house, and soon our whole village gathered in the square, dancing, weeping, and whooping with joy.

As day turned to night, someone brought an effigy of a closed cow's anus, and we set it alight, roasting rich beef sausages in the flames.

It was so beautiful an experience that I didn't even mind when I found my husband the next morning in a field, drunk, pantsless, and covered in quails.

When he heard the news, my elderly father got up from his chair, kissed me and my two brothers tenderly on the head, and walked out the front door.

We haven't seen him since.

When I heard the news, I immediately divorced my wife.

I celebrated the cure for Dachabinathar syndrome with a pint of filly beef wine and a plate full of reef beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

Now what's extraordinary about all of this is that

you single-handedly came upon the golden bullet that will bring the pandemic to an end.

And yet, people don't know this about you.

You know, that the US government simply said that they had developed it.

Whereas it sounds like really it was just you on your own.

Why is it that you've waited until now to come forward and say it was me?

You know, I'm the guy who saved the world.

I am Superman.

I am Batman.

Yeah, well, you know,

that's just not me.

I'm not interested in fame.

You know, that's not the sort of person I am.

I don't crave fame.

I crave crave the freedom to do what I love, which is piping molten lead and minced beef into people's arses.

That's what I want to do.

And I want the freedom to do that unharassed.

You know, yes, I should be given the Nobel Peace Prize.

I could be demanding that.

I could be demanded that I'm kind of carried through the great veterinary institutions across the entire world for curing this horrific disease.

But I don't want that.

That's not me.

Now, I think that will raise the question for our listeners: well, why is he being interviewed on this program then if he's not interested in fame?

And that's the question I asked you when we were organizing this interview.

And you explained that for you it's about lobbying the government over a very specific legal issue.

It's complicated stuff, but maybe you can try and explain it to our listeners.

That's exactly right.

Yes, Spherical Horizons, the Nicolas Summers Lead and Beef Ass Company, is doing well.

And I'm pleased with that.

I don't want to seem ungrateful.

But

I also deep down

know

what this procedure can do to people's lives.

I know how transformative it can be.

And as I look around the streets of Baltimore and I see the reverence that people have for a dump truck ass, my heart can't help but yearn for the opportunity

to deliver such happiness and joy in my home country.

of Great Britain.

All I want to do is return to Great Britain without being immediately arrested due to the application of what I believe to be a kind of medieval law that bans beef being used for cosmetic reasons.

I I think it's outrageous.

It's the one thing stopping me from returning home.

And I'm just I've decided to speak out and identify myself as the the brains behind the the cure for Jacobinius R.

Syndrome in order to pressure the UK government and show them that I am an incredibly capable mind and that there is no risk of allowing me to pipe lead and mints into people's asses on home shores.

Very interesting.

Of course, that

the law you're talking about was enacted in 1537 by Henry VIII.

That was obviously because at the time there was the trend or the tradition rather of Catholic members of the clergy would wear a beef hat.

And so by bringing that law, that was seen as a cosmetic use of beef rather than consuming the beef.

And so then that effectively outlawed that practice.

So really it was about Henry VIII just needling the Catholics, you know, 500 years ago.

Exactly.

But it's still very much in place.

So that's why you've come forward to try and put some pressure on the UK government.

All I'm asking for is a medical license from the UK government to freely pipe lead and mince into people's asses.

It's not a big ask.

And dare I say, this has support right from the top.

This has support from King Charles himself.

And when you say that, you don't just mean you dressed as King Charles.

No, yes.

It's not me pretending to be King Charles and then saying that I approve.

No, this is the real King Charles has said,

and this may be an exclusive, he has said that he will happily have the procedure done from the top of Nelson's column.

So he, hang on, he'll be standing on Nelson's column, or you'll be standing, or you'll both be standing on Nelson's column?

We'll both be standing on Nelson's column, and there'll be a kind of winch system.

Right.

So, so once King Charles has had the procedure done, I'll winch him down.

And who's coming up?

Camilla.

They both are huge fans of my work.

They both want dump truck asses.

The only thing stopping this event is some bloody bureaucrat sat in Whitehall not knowing

the importance and the ridiculousness of this 1537 law that's standing in the way of progress in this country.

It's ridiculous.

It's crazy.

The campaign starts here.

I've got to say I agree with you.

I think most of our listeners will agree with you.

And I think you've done the right thing in coming forward and making this story public.

I think you deserve all the credit you're going to get.

I I know it's not what you're after, but you are going to get some plaudits and you deserve it.

So just enjoy it, is what I'd say.

And let's hope that that pressure builds up against the UK government and they repeal this law.

For God's sake, thank you.

Well, Nicolas Summers, I want to say thank you so much for talking with me today.

An explosive exclusive.

I'm really pleased you came to the Beef and Dairy Network to do that.

And wish you all the best.

My pleasure.

Thank you so much.

And I would like to just say as a huge heartfelt thank you for getting my story out there um that i would like to offer you um a free procedure on totally on the house um

i i would i would happily pump uh some beef and lead into your ass and give you a dump truck ass just for you just as a thank you well um i don't i don't think so nicholas i don't think it feels good for me to take freebies off people that i speak to on the podcast because obviously there's an ethical there so um it's not a freebie we're friends we are we continue to be friends you I consider you a close friend.

No, but I can't.

And close friends help each other.

I think there's a big list of people out there who want that procedure, Nicholas, and I wouldn't feel happy jumping that queue.

So you just get on with what you're doing.

I'm happy

to jump the queue.

You've done a lot for me, and

I want to recognise that.

So, yeah,

the powerhouse is ready.

What do you say?

It really wouldn't be right.

And also, you know, I can't make it over to Baltimore.

We can't do it in the UK with the way the law stands for it.

Please have the...

No, no, no.

It doesn't matter.

I'll come to you.

I'll come to you.

I'll happily come to you.

Please, just have just have the procedure done.

I think it would be great.

It would be great, Nicholas.

I don't want it.

Please, just have it.

I don't want you to pump lead into my ass.

Have it.

Just have it.

I don't want it.

Just get it.

I don't want it.

Just have for free.

It's not going to cost you anything.

Have it.

I don't want it.

I don't want it.

Have the procedure done.

I don't want it, Nicholas.

A big thanks to Nicholas Summers for that interview and best of luck with your campaign.

Now, before we go, I thought it was only right that I should speak to bovine arsvet Bob Triskothik.

I know that he has been a great source of comfort for many of you throughout this ordeal, and I also thought he'd be a good person to talk to to get a scientific view on what's going on.

Bob Truskothik, thank you for coming on the show.

My great great pleasure.

Now, obviously, this is a huge landmark kind of moment in the history of veterinary medicine.

This is a very, very different time to when we last spoke.

Yeah,

you know, is this a moment of celebration for you?

Absolutely.

I mean, it's

there's unparalleled joy throughout the veterinary and farming communities, of course, that this development has taken place and that the war effectively seems to have been won.

I mean, as ever,

when a war is won it's it's always a little bittersweet.

I am already starting to jones for the sensation of being dragged round a greased up tarpaulin on an inflated tyre by a stressed farmer.

Are you finding you know as you as you as you go around farms that now farmers are going back to beef farming that they're not keeping up with the inflatable tyre on the tarpaulin?

A lot of them dropped the tyres straight away.

As soon as they were able to get their hands on enough hot lead, they they forgot all about it.

And

the countryside is littered with abandoned, greased up sheets of tarpaulin that are just sort of blowing around in the wind, ending up in all sorts of places.

So there is a bit of sadness there for you then, that that golden period of the greased up tarpaulin is over.

It is over.

It is over.

And no one seems to be interested in gathering up those greased up tarpaulins and making I mean I've put the word out, suggested to collect them together, make a sort of a mega tarpaulin, Whether that's for ordinary inflated tires or omega tie.

It's not up to me, but I think it's worth it.

But there's no interest.

So they're just blowing around in the wind,

flapping about, occasionally engulfing small flocks of geese or ramblers.

As I say, a bit of sweet.

But largely speaking, sweet with a capital S.

Well, let's talk about the veterinary side of this.

Obviously, we all know now that the cure, or rather, the preventative, is to pump hot lead into the arse of a cow.

Correct.

Reinforce that anus area so that you won't snap shut as soon as they get Jacobini's arse syndrome.

But I think many people will be thinking, surely we can't pump lead into the ass of every cow on earth.

That's billions of animals.

Yes, and it has, it's caused panic among the non-scientifically minded, and particularly the

saber-rattling, panicky types who think as soon as the lead has run out from the mines of Mexico and Peru and the Yorkshire Dales that there's going to be some sort of massive lead-based conflict.

But what we have done appears to be enough.

Yes, there isn't enough lead to reinforce every anus.

But what we found with viruses in the past, and certainly seems to have happened here, is that you hit them hard enough in the battle against them, the virus will eventually simply give up.

And that seems to have happened with the Acabenius arse virus.

Oh, so you sort of you deal a blow to the virus's morale.

Is that a way of thinking of it?

Yeah, very much so.

At the end of the day,

you can, well, the current thinking is that you make the virus self-reflective and it looks upon itself and what its goals are, why it has those goals and what it is, really.

So now, is it fair to say that even if you, you know, we'll have lots of farmers listening whose heard are not yet reinforced.

I know

there is a national rollout of the enforcement action, which I believe you are involved in yourself.

You've picked up the pressure washer and I'm sure you've done a few cows yourself.

Oh, I've reinforced a lot of anuses.

And it's something I never imagined for a second I would do.

This perfect, perfect

section of a cow, I imagine would never need reinforcement or improvement.

Occasional treatment, certainly, but particularly with, I mean, these anuses, the lead's going to, it's not going anywhere.

These are permanent changes.

But here we are.

But it does give the cows, though, that perfect.

dump truck ass.

They'd really fill out a nice pair of jeans if you pop the jeans on.

Oh, absolutely.

They are turning heads, these cows,

to the point where they've had to put sort of warnings on billboards

on country roads, by farms.

Just, you know, please stop at a lay-by or any of the viewing gantries that we've installed.

Don't try and look at it as you're driving by because we did get a lot of accidents in the first few weeks.

But they're beautiful.

And the confidence is back.

The milk is rich.

The hides are glossy once more.

It's just absolutely lovely to see.

Yeah.

So as I was saying, there's lots of farmers out there whose herd hasn't yet been reached by the task force,

especially those, for example, in the Highlands of Scotland and more remote areas.

Is the message to them, don't worry.

It may not even need to be reinforced.

The message is crack on.

The virus has stopped acting.

We are free of the virus in the UK.

We're very, very confident of that.

So don't wait for lead.

Get farming.

We can actually find,

there's a couple of dormant traces of the virus that we've found, that we've contained.

The Ministry for Agriculture has some.

uh there's a beef information center in northampton that has a sample i sold a sample to someone who i thought was a collector turns out to be someone who works for a lab in north korea do you know what i mean it's there's not enough about and it's in a dormant state um so crack on it's all good okay well bob uh thank you and a moment of celebration and i hope you're you're taking the time to to feel that that celebration and cracking up in a fizzy beef wine and uh you bet i am absolutely great lovely well lovely to hear from you and um speak speak to you soon.

Cheerio

a big thanks to Bob for that interview, and he asked me to say that while the lead-ass procedure is, of course, free if carried out by the government task force, if you'd like him to personally fire a load of hot lead into your cow's backside, he's offering some bespoke packages.

For example, for a ruby wedding anniversary, he'll add some shards of ruby to the mix.

Or if you'd like to, for example, commemorate the memory of Lady Thatcher, he'll do you an iron arse.

Stuff like that.

So, what else is there to say?

The pandemic is over.

We made it.

And while it was an awful time for our industry, there were moments of true beauty.

We saw a kinder side to the farming community.

Something that we always suspected was there, but which during those long months became undeniable.

The way that many farmers, unable to farm, put their time to good use for their local community, whether that's pulling people around on an inflatable tire on a greased tarpaulin, or filling up a muck spreader with 7-up and driving past a primary school during lunch break.

Shotgun killings of trespassing members of the public were down to only 4,840 during the past three months.

That's stunning.

And in return, the non-farming community came out for the farmers, often collecting in their local areas and bringing them gifts.

One of the images I'll take away from this time was watching a local vicar dragging a heavy sleeping bag full of onions up the path towards a farmhouse.

He was taken down, of course, with a shotgun, but the farmer was unusually apologetic about it and finished him off with merciful speed.

Jacobinius, maybe you brought out the best in us.

Perhaps when one ass closes, another one opens.

Our inner arse of kindness.

So, that's all we've got time for this month.

If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we launch a campaign to make the E in the NATO alphabet Enya.

So, until next time, beef out.

Thanks to Cody Dahler, Tom Crowley, Mike Wozniak, and Ana Ana Sage, and of course, everyone who called in to the Beef and Dairy Network answer phone.

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