Episode 122 - The Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live

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Now, this month we catch up with former darts star Kenny Barratone, who is of course the father of the medical mega baby, Talbot.

You may remember that Talbot's mother Yvonne drank so much cow's milk during her pregnancy that he was born a mega baby, which is a medical definition given to any baby over nine feet tall.

Of course, Talbot is no longer a baby and is now a toddler, but the medical definition is still mega baby.

When he hits puberty, he'll become a gigotine, and when he turns 18, he'll simply be known as a massive bastard.

In recent years, to escape negative press attention that dogged Talbot after he had torn apart cows and horses across the British countryside, Kenny, Yvonne, and Talbot have been living in Singapore, where Kenny had hoped they could make money by entering Talbot into the underground baby wrestling scene, and also by vaping businessman's sweat on the street in return for coins.

However, I heard that Kenny had left Singapore, and I wondered what the future held for him and Yvonne and his gigantic baby.

Hello, my name is Kenny Bannerton.

I am a former darts professional and father of Talbot, a very, very big toddler.

Hello, Kenny.

It's great to talk to you.

It's been a while.

I think I last spoke to you in 2023.

You're living out there in Singapore.

But I believe you've left Singapore, is that right?

Long story short, Singapore is a bust.

If anybody's thinking about going to Singapore, my advice, don't.

It's not what you think it's going to be.

Does that make sense?

Okay, interesting.

Because when I spoke to you before, you seemed to see Singapore as a kind of land of opportunity for you and your family.

Well, that was the plan, but it didn't work out like that.

I admit to being

perhaps a bit naive to the realities of what Singapore's like.

In my head, it's sort of a place where you can wear, you know, you know, like a wicker style

little hat, a light floral linen shirt.

You know, there's a guy.

He can take you on a little tour.

What's that?

What do you want to see?

A tiger.

Tiger's totally out of its mind.

And you can, you know, go and have your picture taken with it.

But that's not Singapore.

Singapore is a very different place.

Singapore is basically like a very hot, canary wharf.

Everyone's wearing suits.

So just to be very clear, you're saying that in Singapore you can't go and see a drugged tiger well i suppose money talks doesn't it and you know if you've got enough money but they're like they're not actively available and i've i'll tell you i've just been knocking on doors trying to find these tigers but it took a long time for me to realize no they're not freely available that said it is a very business focused sort of country singapore you know and there's a lot of business that goes on there and if i know businessmen they will be clamouring to get the picture taken with a tiger off its nut.

So, just to recap what your plan was, really, your intention was that you'd move to Singapore, you'd be able to enter Talbot into the thriving underground baby wrestling scene that happens over there, and that also you'd be able to make money by vaping various fluids given to you by rich businessmen.

Yeah, so we went over there, wanted to find

the UK had largely become a bit of a closed shop shop to all Kenny Barretton and Talbot.

You know, people were scared of Talbot.

People weren't keen on Talbot.

He was,

yeah,

he created a lot of fuss with the horses.

You know, he started eating horses, consuming them.

So we had to get out for a bit.

But as I said, it wasn't, it didn't quite work out like I thought it would.

It's not.

The streets are not paved with gold in Singapore.

But you did have some success, right?

So you started your own parenting podcast with Yvonne, Kenny and Yvonne's Bullseye Babies.

That was going well.

That was going brilliant.

But officially, we are on a hiatus.

Hiatus from the podcast.

Hiatus from the relationship.

Oh, Kenny.

I had no idea.

Sorry.

I assumed you were still with Yvonne.

I will admit, our relationship wasn't perfect.

She had a child and the father was a cricket bat, you know?

But it was okay.

And then suddenly, suddenly,

the podcast takes off.

Right.

A parenting podcast, if you can believe such a thing, hot property.

You see, what we did, we would talk about as real lives.

We would talk about how it's actually fine for children to have 12 hours of screen time a day.

It's actually good for them.

So it found a market of quite frazzled parents that wanted to be told that we're doing good.

The money came quickly after that.

But then an unintended consequence of this brilliant opportunity was that Yvonne developed this like,

I don't know, she talked.

She started talk like looking after herself more and talking in a really sort of talking about what she wanted to do.

He wasn't, do you understand?

She went mad.

Right.

Well, yeah, I mean, it sounds like she

finally got some self-esteem.

Oh, aye.

That's what they call it now, is it?

Self-esteem.

She might call it self-esteem, but you know what I call it?

Kenny and Talbot at home.

Nothing to do.

No food.

What are we meant to do?

What am I meant to do?

So you feel abandoned then by Yvonne.

Did she leave Singapore then, or where is she now?

She's in the UK.

She had an immediate opportunity that she couldn't ignore.

She had to open a garden centre with Richard Osmond.

Do you know what I mean?

So So she left us, left us in Singapore.

So you so you're left in Singapore, just you and your huge nine-foot toddler.

She left me with diminished health, too.

I was bedridden, being one of Singapore's leading vapists.

I was vapid too much and it affected me.

I came down with a chronic case of popcorn lung.

But as much as I was reliant on Yvonne, I actually decided to pull myself up and get my own life back in order.

I cured the popcorn lung.

Oh, yeah?

Well, because, yeah, last time we spoke to you, you were on a daily basis coughing up hot butter, salt, and sweet caramel.

Yeah, that's all gone.

I'm fully rejuvenated.

I'm basically biologically 20 years younger.

And you know how I did it?

Well, no, I guess giving up the vaping and changing your diet.

Yeah.

The secret that they don't want you to know, what cures popcorn lung?

Yeah.

More vaping.

but you need to commit to the vaping.

Do you know what I mean?

And people say you can't vape that much.

That's incorrect.

You just need to treat it like a job.

Do you know what I mean?

8.59, sit at your desk.

9 o'clock, vape.

9.01, vape.

Do you understand?

Do you see where I'm going?

And pretty soon, the complete cost correction of popcorn lung.

And here I am.

The doctor said, you shouldn't be alive.

I said, I am.

Or I'm going to live forever.

He said, okay.

And then I crossed his palm with a few pennies.

Right.

And he said, he didn't want them.

He said, the British pennies.

I said, you see that?

That lady on that 2P?

And that's a queen.

The Queen of England.

And that's when I realised I needed to come home.

Yvonne left me because, you know, I was selfish.

I was a selfish baby man, looking after a giant baby toddler with a taste for horse meat.

She needed me to step up.

She left because she needed a real man.

And that real man is Richard Osman.

No, no, it's not Richard Osmond.

If Richard Osman was there right now,

oh, well, I'd probably come up to his hip once.

I'd nut him on the hip.

So just to be clear, has Yvonne left you for Richard Osmond?

Oh, I know he's.

They're having to stay in an Airbnb because the guard had said to open it.

It's very early.

I looked it up.

It's got a hot tub.

You know what happens in a hot tub?

You know what a hot tub filters full of, don't you?

I have to say, I don't want to say it, but it's viscous, incredibly viscous.

Now, one aspect to her leaving Singapore and leaving you there with Talbot is, of course, that she, I believe, was still very much breastfeeding Talbot on a daily basis.

I know that he has a wider palate now.

He loves to tear a horse in half and suck out the insides.

But I think he was still on a baseline of a lot of Yvonne's milk.

So how has Talbot reacted to that?

Well, truth is.

Not the toddler that he once was.

He can't wrestle in the Underground Baby Wrestling League anymore.

Alas, he is too weak.

He's emaciated.

He's bony and thin and pale and he's completely translucent, which is cool.

It's like it's like it is good to look at, but he's running at half-mast, and I'm worried for him without the baseline of breast milk.

There aren't any horses for him to eat.

They don't have horses in Singapore.

They haven't even heard of them.

Is that right?

If you say,

oh, do you want to see a horse tonight?

They're just like, uh,

what?

What is he surviving on then now if he's got neither horses nor Yvonne's sweet mother milk?

Well, the truth is, um, I've been trying to sustain him myself.

Do you understand?

Uh, well, what

have you been buying breast milk online?

No, we haven't got the money to be buying breast milk online, you know, maybe for a treat

every now and again, but we're shipping costs, international tariffs.

I'm not going to get into that.

That's not for this, but there are, it is more more expensive to ship breast milk around the world.

That's undeniable.

What I've been doing is I've struck upon a novel solution.

What's that then?

Well, basically, I've been trying to activate some dormant glands in my own body.

Okay, so are we talking?

Are we talking about male lactation here?

What we're talking about is stimulating the glands because people say that it's impossible for men to breastfeed, but I'd argue that they're just not trying enough.

With constant stimulation and working at it, you know, you can get the glands going.

And now I produce it, it come out, it's

coarse.

It's

like a cottage cheese inconsistency, you know, for the first while.

Painful, painful lumps.

Yes, it's lumpy.

Yes, it stinks.

But it's basically like, what's that magic, you know, like the stuff that the Queen Bee gives?

Sort of royal jelly.

Is that what it's called?

Royal jelly.

It's the royal Kenny's royal jelly.

Have you had any medical input to this?

You talked about your doctor who

was,

maybe say, surprised that you'd managed to kick your popcorn lung by vaping more.

Is this something that you've done in conjunction with medical professionals?

Well, I would say there's definitely a lot of interest from the medical community.

There is like an academic from the University of Leicester that wants to write about me in a

periodical.

Right.

You know, he

wants to put me in a periodical.

He wants to put me on a little platform with wooden wheels on, and he wants to

wheel me around the country, you know, and surrounded by a velvet curtain.

Then the curtain opens, and there's a sign that says, Kenny Bannerton, the world's first cisgendered lactated man.

Now, you say you've got money troubles,

but you are getting this interest in what you've been able to do with your tits.

Is there no way of sort of monetizing that?

We make a bit of money out of it.

Okay.

We work at this restaurant.

It's in the Michele book.

You know, it's as good as it gets.

And me and Talbot are basically suspended in like a glass bauble.

Right.

The diners sit all around.

and while they're eating top end stuff, we're talking like, do you know what I mean?

Oh, what's this?

It's rhubarb and custard.

Oh,

but it's all deconstructed.

Do you know what I mean?

The custards are cube.

Yeah, and the rhubarbs are gas.

And the rhubarbs are gas.

You know, they're eating, they're having that level of culinary experience.

But the chef.

A wild card, you know,

angry young lady.

She's she's serving sausages.

You haven't seen a sausage like this.

You cut it up as a tentacle inside.

It's just like she's a visionary.

And it's like the thing with great chefs as well, she understands it's not just about the taste buds.

It's not just about like the flavours and even the smells.

It's like the visuals.

They get to watch me and Talbot.

It's about the audio.

They sort of amplify the sounds of Talbot sucking on the tape.

They're mixing it together with Chappelle Rowan.

You know, they're like, it's sort of like,

I would call it an assault on the senses.

But that puts you in the perfect position to have a lovely cut of beef shit in.

It's an exciting place.

It's retro and it's modern.

Right, I see.

So you understand.

It's Shakespeare on a hoverboard.

Sounds like a great restaurant.

So you are getting paid to be in the bauble.

She pays only pennies and she beats us.

She whip off our feet with canes.

So, the reason you're on the podcast today is you're here to promote an event that is happening later this year in Doncaster here in the UK.

It's called the Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live.

I don't have much information about it apart from it says here that it's £18.50 to attend for an adult ticket, although it's free entry if you take on Talbot.

Yes, the Great big British toddler teardown live is a one-off event coming to Doncaster where basically what we're going to do is anyone can have a go at trying to take down Talbot for a cash prize.

Wow, okay.

And that's anyone can have a go?

Anybody.

It's an open call submission.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like being the next doctor who or something like that.

Anybody can have a go.

So if we'll be having this, it's just in an old sports centre in doncaster in the middle of the ring it's talbot and then you just you you get a number like what you used to get with meat counter and then when it's your turn in you get

but like i say you know he's he's he's slightly he's slightly diminished so i'm focusing on getting him match ready getting him up to weight you mentioned there's a cash prize there uh at the event is that do you get that if you manage to kill talbert where does the cash prize come in full decapitation.

That might sound extreme to people listening and thinking

that's mad, but it's actually very lovely and fatherly because that is how much confidence I have in my son that he will not be bested by man nor beast.

Now, if anyone's listening and wants to try their hand having a tilt at Talbot, how would they get involved?

They will come to Doncaster when the moon appears red.

You know, when it's a full moon and it's sort of shimmering red, you know, like that, at the sports centre in Doncaster, and you just come in, there'll be a crowd, everybody's wearing a robe.

That's just a visual sort of thing, an idea I had.

You'll go into the ring, you step in there, and then it's one, two, three, ding, off comes the robe.

You go at Talbot with everything that you've got.

Knowing Talbot, he'll probably give you one for free.

And then,

you know, all I'll say is get your affairs in order.

Well, yes, it sounds pretty dangerous for the competitors.

Will there be medical detention there if they need it?

It's a death match, classic death match, which isn't something that modern palettes are used to, but has actually been around much longer than not death matches.

Do you know?

If you actually study history, there's a lot of death matches in history.

I see.

So you're saying, like, if you look at the stretch of civilization as a whole, if we compare, for example,

death matches to a modern sport like badminton the the death matches is a much larger proportion of the history of civilization than badminton which has only been around since i think 1985 badminton's like sort of shakespeare or jazz inter it's only for the person doing it otherwise it's of no interest to for anyone else to watch if like badminton was illegal i think you'd and we'd all just forget about it right yeah i think basically if the world stopped playing badminton no one would ever start playing badminton again Do you understand?

That's quite complicated, but I think it makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, and then you're saying that if if the world got rid of death matches, which I think people are trying to do, that they would still come back.

Do you mean it's it's somehow deep in our collective consciousness?

It's primal.

It's genetic.

People love to watch some mad stuff.

Do you know what I mean?

I see some mad stuff on the internet.

Real horrible stuff.

And it's not for everybody, but I think about it all the time and I love it.

and rules wise is it always one-on-one or or could like for example a scout troop try and take on talbot or you know a group of local policemen well it's basically anyone who wants to go versus talbot so if you're smart if you've got that sort of brain you understand you go into it in a partnership it could be a scout troop the important thing is you need to basically know that not everybody's getting out alive so if you've got two of you one of you has to one of you has to aggro talbot to focus his attention then the other one i don't know.

I'm not giving tips away, but maybe come at him with a chair, you know, covered in razor blades.

So, there's not many rules then, because you mentioned weapons there.

So, you could take a weapon into the arena if you wanted to.

It's basically, you know, me, I'm a free thinker.

I do not want to tell people what to do.

I am very much a staunch libertarian in that regard.

You do what you want.

Thus is the confidence in my progeny that I think even if you had a laser,

he'd find a way.

Do you know what I mean?

You get through the flesh, but we had his brain scanned.

We're looking at six centimetre of bone.

And it's not like normal bone.

This is like, you know, like a rhino's horn.

It's thick, impenetrable by lasers.

So what some guy from Doncaster, what a window cleaner from Doncaster, what's he gonna do?

Yeah, give him as many, as many additional things as he wants.

'Cause he is coming out of that ring in bits he is dead interesting you mentioned lasers actually because i'm looking at the press release and there's a there's before talbot gets into the ring there is an undercard uh a kind of support act so to speak there's a few different things on there including uh your chance to take on a cyclops and i'm assuming that's not just any old cyclops that must be your other son the Cyclops with with his laser eye.

Yeah, you've got the Cyclops.

I brought the Cyclops back into the fold.

The Cyclops was off, drifting away.

Do you know what I mean?

Grown wary of human affairs.

But I brought him back in.

Do you know what I mean?

I was like, we can fight.

And he knows he could obliterate me with the eye immediately.

You know, like an atom bomb, just with the eye.

So he knows that I was serious.

And at that point.

It's the first time the Cyclops has ever called me dad, has ever said those words.

So now the Cyclops is in the ring.

You know, it's always

we do a bit of fun.

It's a Cyclops versus seven cows.

Oh, that's a tantalising prospect, isn't it?

Your Cyclops son versus seven cows.

God.

I'm saying it out loud now.

It is mad, but what a night of entertainment.

And not just entertainment.

I mean, for you guys, this is

a family event, isn't it?

It's a bonding opportunity.

I think think a lot of fathers would sympathise with wanting to create these shared memories with

their children.

I've never been more proud of my son than when he's pulling the head and spine

out of

like a regional pub hard man.

You know, someone who thinks he's sort of the cock of the walk, head fully out like in Predator, spine dangling.

Do you know what I mean?

And I saw Talbert use that spine like a mace.

It's like like whipping it around and used it to beat the man's own brother to death.

And if that's not worth £18.50 a ticket, I don't know what is...

Looking here at the press release, it then says at the bottom, and more.

What's the more?

It's not just a fight.

It's a full evening of entertainment.

That's why it's so exciting.

That's why it's such an opportunity for people to get tickets and come to Doncaster.

We've actually got, I managed to get off of Dark Web, I got these files.

I've got an early prototype of Abba Voyage because it's like mostly just as good as Abba Voyage.

They're there, they're in front of you, they look younger.

But the only thing is that in this one, early version, version 1.0, you know, Benny looks a lot older.

He looks like he's a thousand years old.

He looks like that guy who drinks from that cup in the last crusade, you know, he's

just bones and dust.

Okay, but apart from that, apart from Benny being a thousand years old, it's basically exactly the same as going to Abba Voyage.

Yeah, well, I mean, that and

Bjorn is Michael Jackson, you know, so you're getting more bang for your book.

It says here that kids go free.

Is this an event that's appropriate for children?

It depends on how you're bringing up your littlies, to be honest with you.

Do you know what I mean?

Like

one of those middle-class families, maybe not.

But if you are raising your children to say, fuck all time and watch violence, then, you know, it is for the whole family.

It's just your parameters need, you need to be clear on your parameters.

For family fun the weather hopefully won't spoil, it's got to be Kenny Barritone's great big British toddler teardown live.

Come on down.

Horror up to Doncaster East and East Doncaster, including the East Riding of Doncaster Leisure and Amenities Hub, just outside Doncaster for big value, big violence entertainment, where the fun cannot be stopped.

One ring, one chance, one massive, implacable boy.

It's nine foot of inexplicably dense baby baritone bruiser versus you.

Yes, you.

Take a ticket and take your chances in the silly billy SmackDown that some visitors have already described as way, way beyond Thunderdome.

Kids are free.

Apart from Talbot, who will be turned up inside the ring.

And adult tickets are just £18.50, but there's no charge.

If you'll fight this bloodthirsty boy.

I can fight the bloodthirsty boy.

Yes, you can fight the the bloodthirsty boy.

And in the

event of their being a winner, there's a big cash prize.

Anybody can have a go.

Anybody?

Anybody can have a go.

It's not just for drunk or foolhardy dads with so much to prove.

Nannas, kiddies, coach parties, any fighter, any number, any weapon can step up and throw down.

Be it Queensbury rules or a right torrid jungle-style monkey fight.

We're just not bothered.

Are you not entertained?

You aren't not entertained.

Imagine David versus Goliath, but you're David and Goliath doesn't have any teeth yet, and will almost certainly win.

And instead of the kingdom of Judah, you're near Doncaster.

Doncaster.

Doncaster, Doncaster, Doncaster.

It's the fight of the century and talk of the town.

But have no fear, the local coppers do not object.

They understand the beast must be fed.

They've seen him.

They know him.

They know him.

Behead the child to drive him wild.

Come along and stand Mano Abebe in your very own Doncaster deathmatch.

Yes, deathmatch.

We cannot overemphasise the very real possibility and or likelihood of actual bodily death.

Will you decapitate Talbot?

Probably not.

Kill that boy!

Yeah, good luck with that.

That's Kenny Barritone's great big British toddler teardown live.

Doncaster East and East Doncaster, including the east riding of Doncaster at Leisure Centre, just off the A19, between the chipboard furniture land outlet roundabout and the pet crematorium, and within sniffing distance of Marrow tech rendering plant

if there's grease in the air you're almost there at the great big british done the teardown line

now we we touched earlier on the fact that singapore hasn't turned out the way you hoped it would i'm interested that this event is taking place here in the uk Does this mean that you are moving back to the UK?

Is that your plan?

It does indeed.

The Singapore chapter of the Baritones is over.

I need to be reunited with the soil of Albion, the great, rejuvenating soil of Albion.

And mainly I need to go back because I need to win a von back.

I need her.

And the truth is that Talbot needs her.

He's withering away.

He's getting paler and paler.

He's getting more and more translucent.

I'm worried.

When we were in the baubul the other day, I like touched his arm, you know, but my hand went inside of his arm, you know, like it was a jelly.

And I'm worried he's becoming non-corporeal.

Wow.

And the sooner we can get Talbot lashed back onto Yvonne's lovely teeth, then the sooner the baratones will be back at full health.

So this is, I mean, obviously, it sounds the more you describe what's happening to Talbot, it sounds like he's becoming one of those kind of deep-sea creatures they find when they go down one of those James Cameron mini submarines, you know, and they find like it's just like a big sort of tube made of jelly, and it's just got a big cloak on one end and one eye on the other end.

Yeah, it's wicked, but I don't think it's sustainable.

No, so but is your concern mainly for the health of your son, Talbot, or is there also a romantic element to you wanting to get back with Yvonne?

Is it just because you need her milk, or is there more to it than that?

Does the idea of her in a hot tub with Richard Osman, does that does that trouble you?

You know, traditionally we we practice a marriage where, um, you know, like love is love is free and love is everywhere.

And, you know, I've been free to pursue love in different forms outside of our marriage.

But something's happened recently where, with her increased self-confidence, she

started, you know, like looking for love elsewhere.

And I don't like it that way around.

Right.

Yeah.

I want it to stay where I get to do what I want and she just stays at home.

So yeah, what can I say?

I'm a bit of an an old romantic.

Is your hope then that when Yvonne sees the great big British toddler tear down live, she sees the posters up in the news agent or whatever, and she realises that you're back in the UK, that she will sort of snap into her senses and she'll be, I don't know, impressed maybe by what you're doing for your family.

How do you hope to win her back?

I think when Yvonne sees me with my new throbbing glands and Talbot back at full health, tearing idiots apart in Doncaster, she's got no choice but to take take me back.

The only milestone now is Talbot cannot let me down.

We need to get him back to full health.

Now, you've described to me a sort of depleted version of Talbot.

You know, he's no longer that terrifying force that he was.

He's now something more, well, he's translucent.

He's a kind of more marine life version of your son.

And so, do you not think that that maybe means that your confidence in him vis-a-vis beating all comers at this event, you know, might be misplaced.

Is it not possible that he could be done in by, I don't know, a group of firemen or a bloke with a screwdriver?

I have a plan.

Okay.

What's the plan?

Well, I'm actually speaking to you from

a cruise ship heading back to the UK over three months, which is the perfect time to work on Talbot's constitution.

You see, I've got a job here.

I'm the guy on the cruise ship that goes round and winks at all the retirees, you know, know, and says things like, Oh, how are you doing?

Do you know what I mean?

It's an important, crucial part of the cruise ship ecosystem.

And what I've been doing is, you know,

there's some old people here, and you know, that old people are great, but some of them are like,

you know, they're not nice people.

Like, you can tell that nobody thinks about them or misses them.

Right.

So, with those people, I've been giving them a bit of a wink, and I've been luring the occasional one down for what they think is a romantic interlude but you know we get down into the into the bowels of the ship and they're surprised because there's Talbot and they never see it coming a big hand comes out of the crate grabs a pensioner devours them whole and on this diet of pensioners I'm starting to see the return of muscle mass So just to be clear, you're kind of duping them.

They think you're some kind of paid-for escort that the Saga Saga Holidays Company have have put on the ship as a kind of roving gigolo.

It's kind of it's part of the job of Saga Cruisers.

They uh cater largely to the older community, the Twilight veterans of this life, if you will.

And part of that is that they employ several men to work the decks and provide uh, how shall we say,

physical um companionship to help ensure you know that people remain compliant because pensioners you know they haven't got much on their worlds are smaller they make lots of complaints so how do you sort of smooth over in that free uh sexual intercourse on tap

but

every pensioner you're assigned to you you'd lead down to the lower decks to the to the cargo hold not that many i'm not getting greedy i don't want to arouse suspicions Who is nobody going to miss?

And that's when I feed them to Talbot.

Okay, so on one of these saga cruises, there's a certain amount of expected wastage, so to speak, when it comes to

the holiday maker.

So you're just keeping it under that kind of barrier, right?

Nobody's asking any questions.

And the children of these people are, to be honest, desperately waiting.

to get access to the money that's been locked up in Nana's house, you know?

So nobody's asking a question from the top of the tree to the bottom.

Yeah, it works for everybody.

And it's working.

So Talbot is getting stronger.

There's muscle mass there.

Well, I'll tell you this, I can't see through him anymore.

Wow, okay.

He's not opaque.

He's becoming solid.

He's becoming rigid.

He's coming back to life.

And he's ready to kill.

In Doncaster.

At the Sports Centre.

Tickets available online.

Looking for a family day out that's indisputably Ultimate?

Then drive no further than Kenny Barratone's Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live!

It's not just a chance to have a good pop at the UK's biggest and most vicious Northern Boy.

Kenny Barratone's Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live has it all.

If there's a lull in the fracker, and he's gotta sleep sometime, we assume, why not warm up your grapples with unsupervised sea lion wrestling in the kiddie pool?

Pop along to Squash Court 3 to see Chris and Christine Hodges' live, healthy birds of prey in limited flight.

Or find brief respite with a demonstration of real Japanese kitchen knives in the Dennis Thatcher Memorial Aromatherapy Room and chill-out zone.

But outside, the party's just getting started!

There's the Hamburg Police Dog Dancers, inadvisably fast ice sculpting from Frosty Co., and free balloon weaponry for the underfours in the All Ages Family Vape Tent.

And of course, heart-stopping live music from Sprighouse Brass Ensemble, Rod Stewart's cousins Rob and Bob Stewart, the Abbot Voyage holograms, and an exclusive performance of Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado from the laser-armed android security guards who prevent the Avatars from causing harm.

Watch out for Benny!

Well, Kenny, it's been great to talk to you.

I wish you all the best with your event.

And I hope that Yvonne maybe listens to this and maybe begins to come round to what she's left behind.

Yvonne, if you are listening to this, I'm coming to get you.

Don't be glurred into that hot tub with Richard Osman.

Oh, and Richard Osman, if you're listening to this and you think you've got what it takes, why don't you try and challenge Talbot?

I'll save the headline spot for you.

Well, best of luck, and hope to speak to you again soon, Kenny.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Not that one.

And I am a professional Philip Seymour Hoffman impersonator.

It's got its ups and downs.

A lot of people book me thinking I'm a Jack Black impersonator, and then they're quite surprised when Philip Seymour Hoffman turns up.

So if they are wanting Kung Fu Panda, they end up bitterly disappointed.

Two weeks ago, I took my mother to the airport.

I was waving her off on a flight to Singapore where she would then join a cruise back to Southampton.

She wanted to do it for a number of years to celebrate VE Day.

I don't still to this day understand why, but it's what she wanted, so we packed the bunting and she went.

I mean, she's only in her 70s.

She wasn't alive during the war, so she's got no special attachment to it, aside from the fact that her father was a top Nazi scientist, but it's something that she was very adamant about doing.

You know, it's been a tough few years for her.

It was about 10 years ago that my father died choking on a lasagna, and since then, she's been very withdrawn and very reserved.

She's been off Italian food for a long time, so this felt like a positive step.

Hello, my name is Janet Bingham and I am a housewife.

Last year was tough for mummy, big upheaval.

She found out that daddy was having an affair with the mayor.

Yeah, she found out because she was walking back from tennis up the drive and she heard the jangling of his chains against the radiator.

And that was that.

They were divorced swiftly and Daddy moved into the mayor's official residence.

This was a shock for mummy.

It was hard.

She was set in her ways.

I mean, she'd always had suspicions and, you know, fine, she was accepting of that, but it was a lot.

It was a lot.

People talking about her and

to help her get over it, we booked her on a cruise.

We booked her on a cruise.

I had a bit of money scrolled away and I thought, why not?

She deserves it.

So about a week into the cruise, I get a call from her and she's in high spirits.

They've just made landfall in Myanmar.

She's found a hut that's selling rhinestone jackets and she was calling to say that she'd bought me one.

I was glad for her.

I was happy she was having a nice time and I said to her, how's it going?

And, you know, she

couldn't talk about it in higher terms.

So she started giggling like a schoolgirl.

And I said, what is it, mum?

And that's what she said.

I've found love.

She gave me a bell from Myanmar, I believe.

And that's when she told me that she was liaising with a young gentleman called Kenny.

She'd never known love like it, mental and physical.

She told me that she was in her slut era and I was, you know, good for her, of course, but when it is your mummy and you can hear a younger gentleman slurping on her earlobes, you do think, enough's enough, mummy.

So I asked her a bit more about him and she said his name was Kenny and that he's one of the staff.

And I think that's when the alarm bells started to go off because you hear these stories about elderly vulnerable women that get duped into all sorts.

I mean my auntie Jackie she just went on the zebra to hull ferry and before you know it she was working at a vapes stall in Al-Khadiki.

They've taken a passport off her and everything.

They've told her she's not getting home until she sold 100,000 blueberry vapes.

It's not going to happen.

I didn't speak to her for a couple of days until they reached Bangladesh, by which point she was just absolutely intoxicated with this Kenny.

She was saying, He's proposed, we're getting married, he wants me to meet his son.

I had to say to a mum, stap out of it, think about dad.

He's only been in the ground a few years, and all because of an intolerance to bechamel sauce.

That's hardly his fault.

And that's when she said, I'm glad he choked on that lasagna.

He deserved it.

We had a lasagna last night, me and Kenny, and it was marvellous, no problems at all.

Next thing we know, we're making love on the deck under the stars.

It's just disgusting.

I mean, on a full stomach as well.

And then the messages stopped.

Most unlike her, called the cruise company.

They searched the ship and she was nowhere to be found.

They checked her cabin.

They checked the entire ship and there was no sign of her or a rhinestone jacket anywhere.

I asked them what they thought had happened.

They said they didn't know.

They couldn't say for certain, but if they had to put money on it, she'd probably been spurned by a lover.

And in a last desperate attempt to get his attention, she'd thrown herself onto the propellers.

propellers.

So I said to them, does this happen a lot?

And they said, yeah, more often than you'd think.

I called the cruise company.

I said, you have lost mummy.

They said, didn't seem bothered at all.

They said, well, we expect 5% wastage.

I said, what?

They said, yes, check the terms and conditions.

5% wastage.

I said, mummy's not wastage.

They said, well, she is, technically.

And that was it.

I said, well, what are you going to do?

They said, well, we'll send you back her effects.

They sent me back her personal effects.

All that was in there was a box of Johnny's, large, three-quarters of them gone, a jar of Nutella, and a signed poster of Richard Osman, which currently haunts my dining room.

I didn't know what to do.

I felt helpless.

I ended up setting up a Facebook page.

I don't even know why, maybe to put pressure on the cruise company.

But it was all I could do to help.

Then within a few days, we had our first follower.

It was a woman called Janet.

And then the strangest thing happened.

She messaged with a story about her own mother who had been on a cruise and met a man called Kenny and then within a matter of days had disappeared.

It was amazing.

And again, in a few more days, we had 75 people reaching out with exactly the same story.

75 people in there.

Same thing happened to them.

Mummy's gone missing.

Marked as wastage.

No one cares.

And the thing that connects them all is this one man.

I knew that this Kenny was the center of it all and I had to figure out who he was.

Fortunately, some of the people that had reached out to us with stories had mentioned that they thought he was a former darts champion.

And before long, we put two and two together and figured out it must be Kenny Barreton.

So I put Kenny Barreton's name into Google and literally the first result that came up was for something called the Great Big British Toddler Teardown Live,

and it just felt like that was asking more questions than it was answering.

So, I clicked on to see what it was about.

And there he was, this Kenny Baratone, putting his giant baby up, asking people to try and kill it for money.

I couldn't tell what I was looking at, it was senseless, depraved.

Only a madman would take up a challenge like that.

But given the situation, I don't know whether Mum is alive or dead or stuck in the gears of a propeller, but what I do know is that I will not rest until I have decapitated that giant baby.

I'm doing this for you, mummy.

Wherever you are, mummy, I'm doing this for you.

I will decapitate that giant baby in your honour.

A big thanks to Kenny Barritone for that interview.

And also, of course, best of luck to Jack Black, not that one, and Janet Bingham.

Best of luck in the ring.

Time for a snack.

Kenny's got you back.

If all that fun's left you hungry as a nine-foot toddler, and why wouldn't it?

Just stampede to the Rhea Car Park for mouth-watering group at eye-watering prices.

There really is some food for every taste.

From our classic temporary hut selling award-worthy real meat hot dogs with help yourself ketchup and fried local onions.

Oh, how they're soft as a mother's love.

To one of them rocketeer-looking silver trailers offering Pan-Asian street food for the urban metrosexual.

Those wanting bow buns will not be judged.

And of course, for kiddies, there's flump apples, blue ice, family buckets of Kenny's royal jelly.

And a whole rainbow of homemade caffeinated energy floss.

Recommended intake, one bag per customer, but you do you.

We're not your dad.

All that.

And a ticket to take a tumble with a towering tot?

It really is the family family day out where nothing is wrong, everything's permitted.

Nothing is wrong, everything's permitted.

At the Great Big British Tumblr Tear Down Live!

Yes!

With great food, music, bright colours, and savagery, Kenny Baratone's Great Big British Tumblr Teardown Live has something for everyone who just likes a good, no-nonsense, old-fashioned laugh

in association with Hyundai.

And finally, of course, I wondered how Yvonne Barratone was doing.

After I told her about what Kenny had been saying, she declined the opportunity to give an interview, but she did send the following voice note.

Kenny, I haven't left you.

I told you I've flown back to the UK to be with my sister.

She needs help with her kids because she's laid up after a botched Brazilian butt lift.

You know this.

I've only been gone ten days.

Ten days.

And you've already started breastfeeding Talbot suspended inside a bauble in a restaurant.

Oh, very classy, mister Barratone.

Why, Kenny,

I left you four hundred gallons of my own milk in forty cool boxes in the garage.

You've never listened to anything I say, Kenny Barratone.

And now now I find out you're going to put Talbot in a ring to be beaten up by a load of roofers from Doncaster.

Our precious baby Our precious, precious, nine foot forty stone baby

I wasn't thinking of leaving you before.

I am now, Kenny.

For fuck's sake, Kenny.

Oh, and don't come to me thinking, oh, well, you know,

she betrayed me by being in a hot tub with Richard Osman.

No,

he wasn't even there.

Well, he was there, but there were multiple people there.

And he is, unlike you, Kenny Barreton, a gentleman.

He's an absolute gent, so get your facts straight.

I'll see you when I get home.

Be

Thank you, Yvonne.

So that's all we've got time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we quiz the new Pope about whether he's ever nibbled on a relic.

So, until next time, beef out.

Thanks to Chris Cantrell, Amy Glenhill, Rob Gilroy, Amy Mason, and Greg Johnson.

Also, Chris has his own podcast.

It's called Rural Concerns.

It's very good.

And here's a little plug from him.

Hello, it's Chris Cantrell here.

The voice of Kenny Barreton.

This is me out of character.

This is what I really sound like.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Beef and Dairy Network.

Not sure Ben will have had loads of fun with the edit, but I had a laugh.

This is just a quick message to punk my own podcast.

It's called Rural Concerns.

In each episode, I catch up with Sudo Patel and James Shakeshaft to discuss rural affairs and inner city delights.

It's basically country file for newly middle-aged wreck heads.

Check it out.

I would recommend it.

Okay, bye.

Hi, is this Sam?

Yes, it is.

I'm Brenda, host of Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries on Maximum Fun, and I'm calling because you've been named Maximum Fun's member of the month for May.

Wow, I'm really excited to hear that.

I love being a member.

I like all the Boco and I just, I enjoy all the shows that I listen to.

I just, I love Maximum Fun.

As our member of the month, you'll be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fund store, a special member of the month bumper sticker, a special priority parking spot at Maximum Fun HQ in Los Angeles, California, just for you.

I can't wait to see what the bumper sticker looks like.

Oh yeah, I am obsessed with bumper stickers.

What's your message to people thinking about joining Maximum Fun?

I mean, if you really like the shows, I think it's like a really good way to help support them.

I'm really happy I'm able to.

Thank you so much for listening.

Thank you for making your show.

Become a MaxFun member now at maximumfun.org/slash join.

It's hard to explain what Jordan Jesse Go is about, so I had my kids take a stab at it.

Probably weird stuff.

You talk about

jobs that are annoying.

Business.

I think you probably learned your lesson after talking about business a couple of times.

Grown-up jokes that I don't understand,

and there's no point in making

all the podcasts.

Oh boy.

Subscribe to Jordan Jesse Go, a comedy show for grown-ups.

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