Episode 124 - Your Host's Tenth Anniversary

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Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by Quails 2.0.

Now, I don't need to tell you that it's been yet another dark, dark month for the beef industry.

Jacobinius R.

Syndrome continues to spread throughout the cattle population, not just here in the UK, but worldwide.

The link between genetically modified quail and the disease has now been officially confirmed.

And although beef is safe to eat, even from those animals infected by Jacobinius R syndrome, beef sales have fallen to their lowest on record, and the beef price has fallen to its lowest ever, as long as you discount the 24 hours when the UK government made beef free on VJ Day.

Cheap beef, of course, could seem like good news for consumers of beef, but it is a disaster for beef farmers, many of whom have already had to diversify into other income streams, such as pulling around tourists on an inflatable tire on a rope across a greased tarpaulin.

So I apologise for a gloomy start to this month's show, which is a shame, of course, because it's my tenth anniversary of presenting the Beef and Dairy Network.

I remember my first episode vividly.

I was so nervous I'd actually taken what I've since discovered should have been a fatal dose of cattle tranquilizer.

But after three or four years, I was able to wean myself off that stuff, and I can remember most of the episodes since.

And I'd just like to say thank you to the production team who have done so much over the years.

But I have told them that, you know, if they've prepared some kind of celebratory cake, that should be put to one side because this is a very grave time.

Today isn't about me, it's about the beef family.

Um,

sorry to interrupt, but we didn't didn't get you a cake?

No, okay.

No, yeah.

No, I guess that was more of a...

That was an example.

Like saying, if you had got me a cake, I'd be telling you to bin it right now because of the grave situation.

Yeah.

I'm not sure that's quite the right message either, because farmers are struggling at the moment.

Like, binning food is a bit

intense.

Yeah, that's not the message I'm trying to put.

Look, for a start, you didn't buy me a cake.

So we're not binning a cake.

So we're not binning a cake.

Okay, great.

Okay?

Yeah.

Sorry, everyone, that's my production assistant, Kyla.

One of the production team,

but also one of the beef family.

And I'd like to thank you, Kyla, for everything you've done for the family these past 10 years.

That's okay.

Okay, have you recorded the intro yet?

I'm literally doing that.

Are you not listening?

Oh, sorry, I'm so sorry.

I wasn't, actually.

I was just online, like, booking a weekend away for me and my sister.

Did you know there's this farm in Sussex, right, that has a sort of cheap weekend Airbnb type place?

And if you give the guy 10 quid, he'll pull you around on an inflatable tyre on a greased tarpaulin.

Can you believe that?

It looks so freeing.

You know, when you sort of get like dragged down by, you know, day-to-day life or like a boring job or whatever or the sort of boring interactions, just imagine how free you would feel being dragged around on a tyre.

Like, isn't that amazing?

It's like how I carry on recording the intro now, Kyla?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

Today's not about me.

It's about the beef family.

And so, if the production team have maybe made a special montage or bought me a gold watch, I would say no.

That's not what we're doing today.

Do you get that, Kyla?

Just want to make sure you're listening.

I don't want anything special today.

Um,

yeah, we had quite a lot of ideas and thoughts and plans, but obviously we had had to cancel every single one of them.

Well, that's what I wanted to happen, yeah.

Exactly.

So like definitely those things went through my head and some of them like reached further along the planning stage, but none of them have actually happened.

But you know.

Yeah, but that's good.

Exactly.

It's really good.

Yeah.

Really good.

And it doesn't mean like we can't all go for a drink after the show and just have a quiet drink, a respectful and quiet drink to celebrate, does it?

Oh God, I'm

really, oh no, I'm really sorry.

I actually can't because someone's coming around to fix my Wi-Fi.

It's just sorry.

I think let's just get on with the show, shall we, Kyla?

Yeah.

Okay.

Today is not about me.

It's about the Beef family.

And to talk about recent developments, I've invited two members of that wonderful Beef family to join me today.

In the studio with me, I have Bob Truscothik, friend of the show.

Nice to see you, Bob.

Hello.

Sorry about all that business with Kyla there.

This is Kyla.

She's a production assistant just behind the glass.

Ah.

Hello, Kyla.

Hi, Bob.

Oh, you know each other?

Yes, we have.

Well, yes,

Kaikana and I

know each other.

We had a

bit of a holiday fling, you could call it.

I was on holiday in Catalonia, and Bob was working for some local shepherds running the sheep tip.

I'd picked up a fungal toe infection from the pool at the hotel and it was miles to the nearest chemist, so I asked Bob to dip me into the antimicrobial sheep bath.

As he used his strong arms to dip me into the fly-flecked liquid, I knew I wanted more.

And that evening we stayed up long into the night, drinking glass after glass of boiling hot orangino.

Sexually, he went like a train.

By which I mean that I would usually be standing up.

Okay, Kyla, that's quite enough of that.

Sorry, I was miles away.

Right, Bob,

thank you so much for coming in.

How are things with you?

Obviously, this is a really tough time for the whole industry.

Well,

it's unfortunate circumstances to be here.

It's a tragic time for the industry.

I mean, the flip side, I myself had a wonderful weekend sliding around on a greased tarpaulin while sitting on an inflatable tyre,

being pulled by one of the farmers that I used to do a lot of work for.

His entire herd has gone.

So at the moment he's just charging you

fiver for 10 minutes.

It's a pretty good deal.

It's great fun.

Well thanks Bob.

Now also I'm joined down the line by a TV doctor best known for his roles on BBC Radio 4's Lunchtime Prescription and Channel 5's Celebrity Blind Pill Lottery.

It's Dr.

Sam Archer.

How are things?

Yeah, very good.

Thank you.

Had a wonderful weekend actually at a local farm.

What the farmer's done is he's spread out this huge tarpaulin which he's then greased up.

And if he bugging some cash, his son will drag you around on an inflatable tyre.

Lots of fun.

Yeah, sounds fun.

I would like to take this opportunity as well to warn people that while it is extremely fun, there is a danger with

the greased up tarp with the inflatable tyre that you could fall off and you could cause yourself an injury.

And these places are completely unregulated, as far as I'm aware.

Yeah, I mean, I don't even know how you'd go about...

regulating them to be honest.

Well, these people are quite hostile to anyone who turns up at their farm with a clipboard, so good luck regulating them.

So this one you went to this weekend,

did you feel in danger?

Well, the thing is

the farmer's son that I was being dragged around

he's a strong lad, but he's not a clever lad.

And so it's a trade-off there where you're going really fast, but if something were to go wrong and

you had to say to him, Jimbo, stop, he might not understand you first time and that there are inherent risks involved in that.

Yes.

I think it's important people know it's a burgeoning scene and it is a lot of fun, but a lot of farmers, they can't really afford fuel at the moment.

They're not using the tractors.

I mean, a few are, the premium men, but a lot of the time it is just the very strong offspring of children themselves that are being lashed up with ropes and dragging you around.

And I know this isn't what we're here to talk about, Dr.

Sam, but are you seeing people coming in with injuries from these tyre experiences?

Or is that yet to filter through to the general population?

I've seen a few broken legs and I've seen a few grease burns and things like that.

So it is, they are trickling in.

I think it's when this gets popular and then suddenly the shonkier outlets start allowing people to do this.

It might not be a tarpaulin.

It might just be some bin bags that have been taped together.

That's a risk.

It might not be an inflatable tyre.

It might be someone who's sort of formed a circle out of a pool noodle.

You know, it's sort of the knockoffs that you need to be aware of.

That's where the danger lies, if you ask me.

Yes, and obviously

the smaller farmers which are actually at lower risk, really, on the whole, it's the larger herds that are at higher risk.

And so, some of the smaller farms are holding out, but they have less space.

And usually, when you come off the tyre, you come off by being effectively sort of slingshotted off the tyre.

So, if there's not a lot of space between you and the nearest oak tree, for example,

or railway line, then you can get

a bit more of a pickle.

Obviously, that's a kind of maybe positive externality to this situation.

This golden age of being dragged around on an inflatable tie or on a Greece tarpaulin.

But let's talk about

the downsides of this situation.

Bob, since we spoke last month, Jacobinius R syndrome has continued to spread and grow.

There are now more countries where Jacobinius R syndrome is present.

There are some countries, I believe, now where there are more cattle that have it than don't.

It's not a good picture, is it, Bob?

No, it's very troubling, and particularly as you say, that number.

And

large swathes of Western Europe are particularly badly affected.

The Americas en masse

and the Antipodes actually are.

They seem to be the worst affected zones, really, at the moment.

Aaron Powell, it's interesting, isn't it, that those areas are the areas in which Netflix is one of the major media providers.

Well, I don't think

that'll come as any surprise to anyone.

Really, Netflix

were saved financially by getting in on the Quayle 2.0 scheme and indeed trying to

improve their image to the general public by incorporating them into some of their biggest shows.

It's no accident that the only survivor of Squid Game Series 3, what was, was a Quail 2.0.

Sorry about spoilers.

So yeah, so I haven't actually.

Oh, yes, I do apologise.

I am so sorry.

But yes, and they've retrofit Quail 2.0s into some old classics as well.

Well, it seemed like an obvious thing to do, didn't it, when they replaced Kevin Spacey in anything he's ever been in with a Quail 2.0.

It felt like a win-win situation at the time.

Again, I mean, there's great positives,

and that's improved some of Spacey's work immeasurably.

Even he's admitted to that.

So I know we're not here to discuss this, but I feel

it's award season in this United States, and they've just announced, you know, obviously the Quail is absolutely hoovering up awards.

I mean, is it right that a Quail should get an acting award is all I'm saying because does a quail even know it's acting in a show?

It's just a bit it gets on my nerves a bit sorry that's as someone who works in TV and the media that they've sort of got you know so many garlands around this quail and it doesn't even know it's in a TV show.

It's annoying.

All right.

Well that's interesting you say that

I've only dabbled really in that industry.

I did read an interview with Judy Dench

who said that the fact that the quail doesn't understand that it's acting, it has no sense of what's happening at all actually makes it act better because it's less self-conscious and it's free of the shackles.

Much like Mark Rylance, I believe.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Doesn't even know he's alive, apparently.

Barely able to register his surroundings, yes, in normal day-to-day life.

Yes.

Extraordinary.

So, Dr.

Sam, the principal reason that we've got you on the show today is that you are actually working closely with the government, I believe, on the crisis.

Could you tell me about your exact role there?

Yes, certainly.

So I should emphasise straight away that, yeah, I'm not working with the government on a policy level.

Personally, personally i'm not politically aligned with this current government i'm not really politically aligned with any particular party i sort of get my marching orders from a a very specific reddit thread um uh called hillary's emails 423 google it anyway uh so yeah so i'm not working on that level i i i'm working on a messaging level government having trouble with their messaging um i volunteered my services me and a sort of a brain trust of people that i'm very proud to be working with there's there's there's me there's rfk junior their Grylls and Jonathan Franzen.

Is this something you're doing pro bono or are you being paid by the government to do this?

Not money, let's just say that.

Are we talking what missiles?

I'm not allowed to divulge too much, but yeah, let's just say arms, arms in general.

They're a very stable commodity at a difficult time.

And then the great thing is I can then, you know, in a way it's an ethical choice because then I can choose to sell them onto whoever I think

globally has the best chance of winning, which is good.

Or it's just a nest egg, isn't it?

Yes.

I've done the same.

And given the danger of full societal collapse that could come with this current beef crisis, it might be useful to have some heavy weaponry.

Yes, and if you do have a cache of spare arms and you're flush, you can do what

I heard Mark Camod did in the New Forest area, where

he set off

the rocket of an RPG behind him while he was on an inflatable tyre on a greased tarpaulin to really

add a bit of womph.

Tremendous fun.

Look at me, Simon Mayo.

Look at me.

Yes, that's what he says on the video.

Yes.

Now, Dr.

Sam, I don't know if you're actually able or allowed to give us an insight into this about what the government's doing, but you would have been involved this week with their decision to officially come out and officially blame Quails 2.0 for the epidemic.

It was seen seen as an inevitable step, but let's just talk about the messaging around it because some people have said you weren't careful enough.

And because of this, we've seen a wave of retribution from the public against quails, not just GM quails, but quails and actually other birds when people don't necessarily realize they're not a quail.

I've personally seen someone kicking a partridge.

I've seen someone hassling a pheasant.

So I want to ask you about that, Dr.

Sam.

But maybe first, Bob,

how does this feel watching this as someone who has dedicated their life to animals is it hard to watch it it is but I mean an animal I also love of course is the human race and the the human race will always need a whipping boy of sorts and in a stressful time someone is always going to get it so few people really understand what a quail is

I saw a

a group of pensioners attack at Chihuahua just the other day and it's all associated.

So yeah,

there will be damage done to

our nation's fauna, the fauna of the world, but

it's better than that spilling out into some sort of wider conflict, I would say, something more serious.

But if it does, you are armed to the teeth.

Yes, if anyone makes it into my compound, they'll be faced with Lance Corporal Linda, by which I mean with my Zestava M55 Serbian triple-barreled anti-aircraft gun.

700 rounds per minute per barrel.

Named after my mother.

Yeah, very similar situation with me, actually.

Anyone who wants to access my domain, you know, if they get past the dogs, then they've got to contend with a group of South African militia who like that kind of thing a bit too much.

Great for me though.

Works well for me.

Will maintaining a group of mercenaries like that be viable, you know, if society collapses?

Obviously there's a danger with these kind of groups that in a post-society world, money won't be worth anything, in which case, what do you pay them?

How do you keep them under control?

In that instance, I'm very pleased that, you know, I made them all ingest a remotely detonated grenade.

And

the trigger, I'm happy to say, is always around my neck.

Very good.

Okay, now getting back to the issue of the public not being able to tell the difference between a GM quail and a regular quail.

Do you not think this is a failure on your part, Dr.

Sam?

A failure of government messaging.

People just don't know the difference.

Well, I'm delighted to say that actually

we're constantly evolving the messaging.

And in the next few weeks, you'll see a rollout of

films, online adverts, bus shelter ads as well tackling exactly this.

And the messaging is all about the feathers of the quails.

Okay, well maybe you could give us a preview and let our listeners know.

How should they use the feathers to tell the difference between a GM quail and a regular quail?

Basically look at the feathering on the outside of the feathering and remember

if it's brown on the line

then that quail is fine

but if there's grey on the hem

then that quail is GM.

So just keep that in your mind.

If you really I mean if you have to kick a quail you know if you have to maim that bird then please just remember that before you you go in fell for leather because these are greys and browns that are very hard to distinguish on an overcast day almost identical I'd say yeah yes

and because of the way that this a bit iridescent sometimes the browns can look grey and the greys can look a bit

brown

so maybe try and get them under a dentist's light

you could do yeah although very bright light will make the feathers often appear transparent so that that won't help either, really.

Well, yesterday, of course, the government took a really huge step.

It's not been uncontroversial.

Let's just put it that way.

They put through an emergency act of parliament which says that, and let me get this right, any property owner or landowner or tenant on land or in a property is now legally required if they see a quail 2.0 or a mega quail, which we will remind listeners is the offspring of of a GM quail and a regular quail, they are legally required to try and catch that quail 2.0 or mega quail.

And if they do catch it, they should twist off its penis.

I'll come to you first, Bob.

What do you make of this?

Well, it has my full support.

It's the right thing to do.

I just don't know if we're in the right generation these days.

I mean, if this was back in the 50s or the 60s, you know, the post-war generation, I think people would have got behind

something like that, even in the early 80s, where people briefly got into things like counting the amount of butterflies they might see on

a June day if the people at Blue Peter had asked you to do so.

But I don't know.

I think if we are going down that route, I think that, well, I don't need to tell Sam that the messaging has to be clear

because people will just listen to the last bit.

And they'll be twisting the penises off anything and everything, especially if they're panicking,

as people are at the moment.

So education is key.

Personally, I think

that we shouldn't be targeting people of working age here because they're most likely to get it wrong.

I think primary school education should be stopped immediately and primary school children should be trained in twisting the penis off

of quail 2.0 is mega quails.

To become a kind of vigilante force, like a sort of bounty hunter class of well, yes, but I mean if they've got the rubber stamp of the government, you know,

they're more like a sort of uh sort of um a sort of dick militia really um i think

the following is a message from the uk government jacobinius arse syndrome task force remember it is now a legal obligation that if you see a genetically modified quail on your property you must make an effort to catch it and twist off its penis For help on how to successfully twist off a quail's penis, please visit your local beef information centre, which should be running a series of workshops with the help of a local celebrity.

For example, in Richmond, you can learn how to twist off a quail's penis with some of the less famous members of the cast of Ted Lasso.

Dr.

Sam, do you think you've got this one right?

I think it's been rolled out well.

I think the messaging has been good.

I think that the public discipline has been

on the whole respectful.

I would just say, I mean, for heaven's sake, you know,

there are bins, there are specific bins, and they have the label.

We've all seen them where you're meant to put the penises and the birds once the penis has been twisted off.

They're outside your local beef information centre, normally?

Yes, exactly.

So just put them there.

We don't need motorways littered with them.

That doesn't help anyone.

So please, if you're going to do it, just make sure everything is disposed of correctly because otherwise this is the British Isles and we want it to be clean and tidy and a green and pleasant land, not covered in quail penis.

The following is a message from the UK government Jacobinius R.

Syndrome Task Force.

So, you've twisted off a quail's penis.

What next?

Great question.

Simply take it and deposit it into the designated bin outside your local beef information centre.

For those living in rural areas, your local beef information centre might be running a burn-it-on-site system, in which case simply hurl it onto the roaring pyre.

Once disposed of, you'll receive a form.

Fill in the form and take it into the beef information centre.

and once registered you'll receive a badge and a packet of crisps one detail of the scheme is that if you take the quail dick to your local beef information centre put it in the correct bin you will be given a badge yes

and i guess the question is you know is that enough because you know the the scheme's only been running now for one or two days And if you look out the window, you can see the country's littered with quail dicks.

So

do you think they've got this right?

I understand why they went for the badge.

The badge was an easy, but I think it needs to be more than that.

I think it needs to be a sticker book, ideally with shinies.

It's a great idea.

Yeah, I mean, I can suggest it.

It will be expensive.

At the minute, I mean, the badges work because they're quite easy to make.

You know, kids love them, so who are we to argue?

Let's talk about human health.

Of course, we know the only way for a human to contract Jacobinius R syndrome is via sexual congress with an infected mega quail.

Sam, have you begun to see any human cases coming through?

It's what we in the medical industry call the I fell on it situation, which is people sort of claiming ignorance.

You know, they have all the symptoms, but they point blank refuse to admit how they would have got this.

So we have to just, you know, discharge them.

We've got no other choice.

But if I was to read between the lines, I'd say I've seen about maybe

eight to ten thousand people come in with those kind of symptoms.

Bob, how how about you?

I mean, obviously, you're you're working in the farming community.

Yeah.

There will be a certain amount of panic amongst people who work on farms.

They're working in close contact with the animals who have the disease.

Tell me about that.

Yes, and this is a community that doesn't have access to

the modern conveniences of urban life.

You know, there are no bowling alleys

or sinars.

You can, of course, be dragged around on a...

on a greased tarpaulin on the back of a inflatable tyre.

Absolutely.

But, you know,

if if it's foul weather, you might want to stay in and

bang a quail.

So it's quite it's hard to convince these people that some of their pursuits are no longer safe or to advise them of how to protect themselves.

And there are other people who are just saying

it's a conspiracy theory.

I know it isn't, but I do sometimes think that these things are

are mishandled.

You know,

on the day that it was made public that this is how it's being transmitted to humans, It seems to me that the government, I mean,

people use the word cover-up.

I think they just didn't want to talk about it.

Well, to be fair to the government, they put out a press release saying that they believe that Jacobinius R syndrome is circulating in small numbers, they say, in the human population.

But you're right, insofar as they haven't necessarily talked about how those humans contracted the disease.

Why do you think they're not being so upfront about this?

I think they find it icky and they don't want to talk about it.

And that's why they keep trying to change the the subject that's why on the day that the information came out

did downing street release a statement no um

kiostama released uh a zine

um that um where streeting had done all the art for that depicted kir as a sort of uh sort of pimp killer um

yeah you know it's pretty good but it's not it's it's part of the conversation but it's not it's never going to be enough to stop people talking about what what really really matters i mean okay i i'm i feel like i'm sort of defending defending the government here and i've kind of ended up in a situation where i'm i'm acting in their defense and given that i'm you know i should say i'm not contracted by the government at this stage um i had two short stories in the zine um which

i i thought were quite good and sort of all carried a subtext about looking after your best health and not having sex with quails um that you know that was a strong subtext that i you know i included in there but like i say i'm not here to defend the government but i would say i think everyone is working to the absolute top of their abilities in order to kind of make sure that this doesn't turn into doesn't turn into something that becomes snowballs and then just is completely uncontrollable.

Okay.

Do you think the government need to bring in Matt Hancock?

You know me,

I'm a huge fan of Matt.

We did actually speak to him, obviously.

I mean,

I didn't want to get coarse, but

he was going to be the face of the penis twisting campaign because his surname is similar to

the two appendages that are involved in twisting off a quail's penis.

In the end, he wasn't available.

He was,

well, he was at the same farm that I was, but because he's got a lot of, you know, he's a very wealthy man.

Basically, he dropped, I think, something like £10,000 at this farmer's feet and said, I want Jimbo to take me to the moon.

So, you know, God knows where he is now.

Yeah.

Let's talk about the beef prices.

Bob, you'll have been working with farmers all week, and I imagine that's been hitting them pretty hard.

Beef is now cheaper than water in Britain.

That's right.

Obviously, this means that most farms are now kind of economically non-viable.

How have farmers been taking this?

Well,

the ones who are doing the best are the ones who've got

decent courses for greased up tarpaulins and inflatable tyres, you know,

a little bit of hillage, a little bit of contourage and so on.

Generally speaking,

I mean, it's

things are bad, I would say.

Things are bad.

And the price is dropping hour by hour still at the moment.

Dr.

Sam, obviously, this will have a mental health toll on the farming community.

Is that something you're seeing coming across your threshold?

Yes.

Once again, farmers are very private people and getting them to open up about their emotions is difficult.

I would also say, from a mental health perspective, if you are a farmer who, you know, if your top almond is greased up and you have the inflatable tyre there, hop on yourself, treat yourself, you know, don't always be the drag dragger.

Sometimes be the draggy.

Let someone else take the strain for a bit.

Exactly.

And drag you around.

Yeah.

Both metaphorically and physically on a inflatable tyre.

It's a good idea.

I have to say, I feel ashamed of myself that

that hasn't occurred to me.

And I'm going to be spreading the word about that because I think that's a tremendous,

a tremendous idea.

And a lot of these people that I meet, I mean, obviously they'll enjoy that.

And I think some of them would also just enjoy just lying down on the grease tarpaulin and sort of splashing around a bit, really.

Even that would be just make a grease angel.

The following is a message from the UK government Jacobinius R Syndrome Task Force.

If you have any questions about twisting off a quail's penis or how to dispose of the penis and register for your badge, simply call the Task Force Action Line on 5510 555556741 55 55515 555 5516 55741.

That's 5510 5555556741 5555551555551655741.

Do it for Britain.

Do it for the world.

Do it for beef.

Twist off a genetically engineered quail's penis today.

Now, the reason you're both here is not just for your fabulous insight and thank you for everything you've said so far today.

It's been fascinating.

But as I informed you both before the show, I felt that someone had to do something about this.

I saw the beef price falling.

I felt the government weren't really doing anything about it.

Sorry, Dr.

Sam, with respect.

Apart from publishing these increasingly strange zines.

I mean, all the information is there if you read between the lines is all I'd say, but point taken.

The truth is people in the public at large are scared to eat beef.

They're scared.

And that's crazy because meat from an infected animal is completely safe for human consumption.

Isn't that right, Dr.

Sam?

Yeah, no.

It technically is

absolutely fine to do.

It is in your verticomas safe.

You're a bit more

unequivocal on the phone earlier, Dr.

Sam.

Well, I guess,

you know,

it was hypothetical there.

Now Now it's a lived reality

and

one that I'm going to have to sort of watch.

So, no, but you know, I stand by it.

I stand by the word safe.

Okay.

And so here today,

on the show, in front of my witnesses, Bob Truskovik.

Yes.

And Kyla behind the glass.

Start the music, please, Kyla.

I am going to eat some meat from an infected animal to prove how safe it is.

I had intended to feed some to one of my ex-wife's children, but they refused.

They obviously don't believe in the British beef industry as much as I do.

Cowards.

That's fine.

I can take matters into my own hands.

And mouth.

Now, to make sure this is safe, I asked Dr.

Sam to be here.

He unfortunately

couldn't be here in person.

I, I, you know, I couldn't be there, but I'm here on the line if anything goes wrong.

And I have spoken to Bob, and he'll do, you know what needs to be done should it come to that which it won't it won't because like i say everything's safe yeah yes and i i'm here and as indeed suggested uh by dr sam i am i am here with my trusty shovel music off please kyla yeah about the shovel i did um i noticed that

never let me down uh yes this will uh this will take your head clean off in a single swipe right it's it's helped me out on many occasions i fought my way out of a favela uh with this thing fought my way out of a um

a mass wedding I accidentally stumbled into in La Paz, Bolivia, once.

I had no business being there.

People got very agitated, but thanks to this, made it home.

In this context,

I mean, this isn't like the wedding of a gang boss's daughter in a South American slum.

So why?

Sorry, why, Dr.

Sam, did you tell Bob to bring a travel to this?

It's perfectly safe.

Like, this is like an insurance policy on top of an insurance policy, on top of an insurance policy.

It's all going to be be fine.

Just do bear in mind that obviously, with Jacobinius R syndrome,

you know,

normally the R S acts as a kind of vent.

It avoids toxins, it avoids pressure from the body.

When it loses the ability to do that,

the human becomes like a, what's the best way to describe it?

Have you seen the film Oppenheimer?

Yes.

Basically, that happens within the human body, and there is a.

I might become a kind of genius.

Is that what you mean?

think about what Oppenheimer made

okay um I'll give you that it's not his wife sad are you saying I'm going to explode there is a chance you could explode a very very slim chance

and in that situation obviously Carla's behind the glass she's safe I'm behind the glass of the internet yeah um but Bob there

uh would be at the the eye of the storm as it were and and if he thinks that things are gonna go awry um i have given him a medical sanction to behead you.

Behead?

Which he said he was willing to do.

So I'm very grateful for that.

Yeah.

Did you say behead?

Then, at which point your neck would be acting as a very necessary emergency vent.

Yes.

But you wouldn't suffer.

I mean, the way

I was just looking at you, I mean, with this shovel, your head had come off like a sort of pat of cream cheese.

Did you say behead?

Was it definitely behead, you said?

Can I just say that I'm pro-beheading if it comes up?

Thank you, Kyla.

So, I'll be eating this infected beef after this.

This episode is supported in part by Falmouth University's Comedy Writing MA, the only dedicated comedy writing masters on the market.

Students learn from an award-winning TV and audio comedy producer how to write sketches, sitcoms, comedy dramas, developing a body of work for multiple platforms including television, audio and online.

Students leave the course with a portfolio of scripts, treatments and responses to professional briefs briefs and connections to the industry through the professional backgrounds of the academic team, guest masterclasses, and optional in-person events.

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If you want to find out more, search Falmouth Online for more information.

That's F-A-L-M-O-U-T-H.

Falmouth!

Falmouth!

Okay, let's eat some beef.

Well, here we go.

Kyla has

done quite a bad job of cooking this brisket.

Bit tough

by the looks of things, but I'm going to do it.

I'd just like to say I'm not scared at all.

Because why would I be?

Because this is perfectly safe.

I'm not not scared at all, because why would I be?

Because this is perfectly safe.

So I'm just writing this down for posterity, because just in case that's the last.

Anyway.

Okay, Bob, are you ready to be my official witness?

Yeah.

The shovel is in the brace position.

Yes.

You're putting on one of those.

It's for spatter, yes.

Yeah, it's kind of penny.

Yes, it's a spatter penny.

Is it made of lead?

It looks like it's made of lead.

It's lead-lined, yes.

That's really for sort of bone fragments.

Okay.

Yeah.

Because I haven't done this in a while, just in case my technique is a bit off, and you do need a.

I mean, it should come off easily, but in case I need a few goes.

Okay.

Here goes.

Infected brisket down the hole.

For Britain.

For beef.

For the beef family.

Shit, shit.

He's having a turn.

This is looking nasty.

Green light, please.

Requests a green light to shovel.

Wait, do you have a head off?

I'm going to shovel his head off.

I'm going to shovel his fucking head off.

Do you have a visual?

Tell me I can shovel his fucking head off, Dr.

Sam.

Give me the green light.

I'm going to shovel the fucking...

No, no, no.

It's imperative you do not behead him unless the anus fully closes.

Do you have visuals?

Only a partial visual on on the anus?

A partial visual on the anus?

I didn't expect this.

I don't know what's happening.

Stop smirking, kinda.

Double four, six,

seven, eight, triple nine, one,

seven, eight, triple nine, two,

seven, seven,

four,

Double three

What is this podcast?

What is this podcast?

Is there a chance that when you find or if you find this this life on another planet whether it could yield

a fifth meeting

Barbara, why are there 180 cows running down the high street?

I left the gate open.

I left the gate.

Candlemaking workshops.

Scent of candles?

It's not meant to be a scent,

but a scent does creep into them.

To find out more, I spoke to Dr.

Sam Archer, a doctor best known for his appearances on BBC Radio 4's Doctor Heal Thyself and Channel 4's Cry Yourself Thin, Sky TV's Doctors in Danger, and Channel 4's Transplant Tombola Live, and Channel 5's Laxative Roulette Live, and Channel 5's 24 Hours to Save My Genitals, and Channel 4's Inbouncing Penis, and his Channel 5 show, RFK Junior Live, and Channel 4's Celebrity Euthanasia Live, and Channel 4's Car Crash Anus, and Channel 5's The Great Big British Jubilee Prolapse Live, and Channel 4's Friday Night X-ray, What's Up Your Arts Edition?

He's a very busy doctor.

Request your position.

Request your position.

Come in, Lancaster.

Come in, Lancaster.

Position nil, repeat nil.

Mayday, mayday.

Did you get that?

What's your name?

Edith.

My name's Edith.

Come in, what's the status of your crew?

You seem like a nice girl, Edith.

Crew are all gone, all bailed out on my orders.

Tommy, Freddy, Bob.

Are the crew gone?

They'll be sorry about Bob.

We all liked him.

I am Bob Triskovic, and I am a specialist bovine arsvet.

I'll start by inserting this scar lead into the dolphin's blowhole.

There we are.

And then, if you would please insert this end into your anus.

Dad, I put four tins of olives up my arsehole to get that ticket, so you'd love me.

A bovine anus enjoys the hot weather.

It flourishes, it blooms.

I don't think I've ever heard the word anus that many times before.

There was very little left of this victim.

It was

disturbing.

All that remained.

It was a body.

Or at least it had once been a body.

They only found all his left was a head, his lungs,

his liver,

and his anus.

And an anus.

Big news from Brazil this week, where the beef market is hot, hot, hot.

Excuse me, this bull that you're selling.

It's got tiny bollocks.

It's only got one eye, and one of its legs has been replaced by a wheel.

I'm going to parade through the town, and then the birds are hopefully going to descend.

Really, really hoping they pick up my eyes because that will prove I'm innocent once and for all.

Nobody wants their two-year-old child seeing a huge baby tearing a dog in half.

I get it.

Last week, beef calf rearing reached an all-time weekly record of 70,000 head of healthy calf, beating the record set in March 1952.

On the milk markets, prices have

held steady with a gallon.

Oh, sorry, I can barely hear myself thinking here.

Really?

Really?

Will you shut up?

Shut up, you infernal choristers.

Be quiet.

I am trying to do a report here and you're all just singing away like a bunch of merry jackanapes living in a nightingale's enclosure

and I am losing my ever-loving mind in this booth!

Granium is like regular sand.

We all know Christmas is a busy time for candlemakers, but the rest of the year can be a struggle.

Granium is like regular sand, but unlike regular sand, granium is highly flammable.

Granium is like regular sand.

When a linus attacks a wildebeest, why does she bite and claw at a stricken creature's neck?

Because she wants those glands.

Granium is like regular sand.

Use the code, eternally conscious, I roam the boundless plane of my seemingly never-ending existence.

Simply use the code, I'm milking a killer whale, BB.

That is the killer whale, killer whale.

Black and white, tune tune, black and white army of whales.

Whales trying to escape and they're having to get the harpoons.

Granium is like regular sand.

You're not suddenly gonna get that cow to mate with a fish and get some sort of whale cow.

You're roasting a dolphin.

It's a it's a noble and a premium animal.

I had one of the most profound experiences of my life with one of those dolphins.

Then you're ready for the whale.

All you know, then of course.

Don't fight that.

Don't fight that.

I won't let our dream die.

Goodbye, darling.

Our little house by the sea, our scores and scores of bright-eyed cows.

Peter, there's so many things I want to ask you.

Peter, do you think there'll ever be a fifth meet?

Peter!

Peter!

Oh, God, does this mean I never have to call 5510555555567415555155551655741 ever again?

I want to congratulate you on the show last night.

Needless to say, I loved it.

I absolutely loved it.

Thank you.

I'm glad you loved it.

I took my little nephew along and...

I saw him with you, yeah.

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face when that cow, I can't remember what her name was, you put her in the cannon and you find her out of the cannon, it's that bath of bolognese.

Yeah.

And I mean, the whole crowds obviously couldn't believe what they were seeing.

Incredible, isn't it?

And there's the interactivity of the bolognese splashing across their faces.

Well, that's right.

I looked down at my nephew and he was scooping the bolognese out of his eyes out of his eyes.

Yeah, well, if she hits it at the right angle, well, you do, you get a real wave.

Yeah.

We call it a bolly wave.

Dr.

Valdez.

Dr.

Valdez!

For God's sake, I don't need a beak.

I just want a normal mouth.

I just want a normal mouth.

This fucking beak.

I can't even kiss my wife.

And I know there's not a god because birds exist.

I can't bring myself to tell you what I've just eaten.

Uh,

Let's just say the beak was the hardest bit.

God in heaven, grant me a beak.

When you were making a lasagna,

you were making a cake.

Now I don't understand the internet.

In fact, I always say I don't understand anything that I can't shoot.

But I've been working with my effeminate son, Glenn, and he has somehow created the Wyoming Cattle College of the Internet.

Do you sanction the eclipse protocol?

Tell me now.

We may be at a partial eclipse.

I want a green light on the eclipse protocol, Dr.

Sam.

It's not you, isn't it, Dr.

Sam?

Is it?

It's me.

So far, what you've described is more gibbous than eclipse, and I need you to keep your head.

It almost feels like a betrayal to put this image in people's minds, but if you can imagine Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and I laying on the floor of her bedroom,

just helplessly laughing till tears run down our faces as corgis are jumping on us, over us, licking us.

That is a day that

I will treasure forever until I am executed.

We're under attack by Overestimate.

30 or 40 chimpanzees.

Here in Deutschland, Herstriges Interdesseen Al Hampshire, weches cansteaden angela magic.

you trudge to the office.

They could just have an honest life and instead,

you know, no one wants to eat lamb.

It tastes weird.

You know, it's from New Zealand, it's not from Britain.

There's no lambs in Britain.

You know, it's imported.

It's like the rap music.

You know, they listen to all this New Zealand rap music.

They want to eat the New Zealand lamb.

Cranium is like regular sand.

Cranium is like regular sand.

The truth of life

is

darkness.

The only way to see everything

is to see nothing.

The only way to ultimate happiness

is to appreciate complete grief.

The only way to strength

is to be weak in my presence.

The only way

to financial security for you is to give all of your possessions to me.

The only way

you are assured of go to heaven

is to do things so despicable in my name

that hell will not have you.

And now before I go, please all bow down to me.

All hail Eli.

All hail Eli.

All hail

You flip a cow upside down, they make an excellent toboggan.

Remember, it's always pig milk o'clock somewhere.

Get some pig milk with beefy chunks down your lad.

Go up big and strong like you're big hovely, daddy.

There you go.

That's a good cave.

Get your pig milk down here.

Gulp it down some

deep, delicious,

Silky gulps of that pig milk.

There you go, that's it.

That's it.

Goodbye, Fimpsy.

Goodbye, Carol.

Seven

sevens!

David!

I'm here!

Oh, my love!

Oh, David!

You're alive!

I'm so sorry, my love.

I couldn't escape.

What have they done to you?

You've just.

Head, lungs, liver, and anus.

Yes.

Oh,

David.

Darling, don't look at me.

I'm not the man you've married.

I'm just a head, lungs, liver, and anus.

You're my head, lungs, liver, and anus.

Is it true that the pygmy cow is mentioned in the Bible?

Yes, it's mentioned in the Bible.

And what does that teach us about the pygmy cow?

Nothing.

I hear the sound of 90s dance music coming from the yard.

The cows have absolutely lost their minds, you know, not in a good way.

They were leaping over the fences in the direction of the motorway.

When I dance with the giant milk cartons who were wearing the Nazi armbands, that signals and the xylophone signals it's happening in her head.

BIMPSI!

Nightclubs aren't what they used to be.

The young people ain't going out now for a dance as much.

You've got to play to the people coming through, and they prefer sitting down, taking photos with lots of very beautiful dishes made by my ex-wife Linda, our chef.

TV's Mr.

Beef, Cliff Trent Roberts has been cooking beef on television since the mid-80s and was almost single-handedly responsible for the beef renaissance of the 90s.

Horse meat?

Weasels?

Yep.

A sparrow?

That's right.

Squid meat.

Yep.

A giraffe?

Yep.

A lizard, a peregrine falcon, a house spider, a crab, a crayfish, and a snow leopard.

That's exactly right.

And that was all in one burger.

Now, how did that happen and why and how is that acceptable?

Well, our burgers, and we're very proud of it, have a total of 12 different meats.

Just your lovely, rich beef burgers.

In they go.

You're just stuffing them into the...

Stuffing them, and they will start to disintegrate as you do it to anyone who's joining in and cooking along back at home.

But it's important not to let that

put you off.

Keep stuffing them in.

The great thing about the beefhead ball is the recipe never changes, you know.

It's quite a simple recipe.

It's a sort of um it's a whole beef head.

A whole beef head.

Boiled in rosewater, cloves.

Rosewater.

The cloves.

And then garnished with parsley

and freshly cracked black pepper.

And then, of course, the freshly cracked pepper.

You've really run that chicken's anus to its limit.

Almost barely holding together, isn't it?

And on Fridays only, we stock the famous Pete Smith's BLT sandwich.

Pic and lettuce and tomato, no way.

You're having a laugh for now.

Ball bud, liver and ton.

Children roam the streets in rags and breakfast on horses piss.

Text 46678 to speak to bored sailors in your area now.

Hello, my name is Michael Banyan, and I'm a poet.

You were like no other.

You fell in love with my words.

My wondrous powers of metaphor opened your heart like a big door.

A beefy oblong with the eyes of an angel.

Black as night and white as snow.

You're like an edible domino.

A shitty armada of arse-made pies.

You opened up my eyes.

Noble envoy of the bowel, priceless jewel upon my trowel.

Visc, discus, shut down from Mount Olympus.

Why, why, Hyundai, why, why, oh, why, Hyundai?

In association with Hyundai.

Hello, I think the beef meal that can't be beaten is a plate of rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

I have to say, my favourite beef meal is rich beef sausages.

I love the taste of rich beef sausages.

Rich beef sausages.

Three words, rich beef sausages.

If you don't have access to the internet in your home, simply ask to use the internet at your local beef information centre.

The last thing I went through like this was the time that I cooked two jack of potatoes and put them in a brar and put it on just to see how much pain it could take.

I like the Spaniards.

Overall.

Especially Ronaldo.

He's the top one.

Pelting an LV vicero with onions.

Spill a bag of onions and you'll be picking them up for up to a minute.

With one big onion, you're done in seconds.

The show hadn't even started in the thin stank of onions.

Awful.

Punching a pig, or taking a woman's wimple, murdering some monks, stealing an onion.

We're still unpeeling that onion.

Back in 2011, two friends had a dream to watch Jumanji every day and make a podcast of no less than 180 minutes about it.

They quit their jobs and became the Jumanji.

Should you have been in Jumanji, Roger?

Yes.

Yes, I should should have been in Jumanji!

Beverly, how has this affected business for you?

Obviously, um...

How the fuck do you think?

I mean, I've got a warehouse full of shit.

Back to you in Aylesbury.

Aylesbury.

There's something amiss in the pig milk factory.

There's something amiss in the pig milk factory.

We one morning flooded the school with hot beef gravy.

Next, the beef news bulletin.

But first, a look ahead to this afternoon's light entertainment.

I

had to tell Daniel Radcliffe that all of his leg

acting

was going to be

edited out and they were going to substitute in a flamingo.

Are you telling me that popping two farmers in isn't going to improve the original avatar?

There's a huge amount of beef entertainment.

A new comedy by writers Alan and McCaffrey.

Their new series is called Butcher's Dozen.

Effo?

Effo?

Yes, dear.

What's this?

Oh, I got you what you wanted, darling.

It took me an age to pluck up the courage to steal that reptile.

I said I wanted a sirline steak, not a purline snake.

Through the darkness comes the light, the light of justice burning bright.

The beefhead man

is the best of us, blind and screaming in the dust.

The dust

rose

Billy hot gravy

Life is a struggle.

Life is dog eat dog.

Right?

I will eat the dog.

I have eaten a dog.

In 1984, it became the biggest selling VHS in British history, which would then be overtaken by 1986's Costa Del Bollux III jilted at Gibraltar.

I believe there should be a little less Chapel Rhone

and a little more Chapel Goan.

If anybody out there has the Blunderbuss, do get in touch.

You haven't gotta pay for a TV license in a Turkish prison.

And of course, the great thing about owning a horse and being a milkman is you can milk a horse.

Get away!

Oh my god!

There is a way of things,

a natural hierarchy.

We live as the bee and the ant,

serving our queen,

our dairy queen.

Off he goes the milky man, the milky man was here.

Off he pops the milky man with

his spring in the skip.

Bye!

Hello, I'm Tessa and I am Milkmaid.

Hello, my name is Andy Trevelyan and I won the Beef Lottery.

Hello, my name is Bob Crack and I am the Bovine Farmers Union Youth Outreach Officer.

Hello, I'm Professor James Harkham, recently dismissed from the Wyoming Cattle College of the Internet.

Hello, my name is Dr.

Clarice Troutman and I'm a psychiatrist.

Hello, I'm Jenny Baxter and I am a lollipop lady in the town of Hexley.

Hello, I'm Nicholas Summers, former scuba diver and now proprietor and sole investor for Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers Lead and Beef Fast Company.

I'm Duckbaster and I'm handing you the bill.

Hello there, my name's Wendy Axminster, more famously known as the Rosenthal's Goosebury Girl.

Hello, my name is Leslie Sunrider.

I'm the manager of Woodgreen Sainsbury's.

My name is Millicent Ringrose.

And before the war, I was a lady of leisure.

My name is King Penagore of the Lowland Folk, and I'm calling from the shores of the Black Lakes of Gimbadore.

I am Larrington Borgart, Badra Exterminator.

Hi, my name's Debbie Cook, and I won a bull at the Royal Suffolk Show.

Hello, my name's Timothy Van Lenquist,

and I've.

I've lost my cow.

Crank him is like regular Sam.

Two, four, nine, six, three.

One

nine, three, four, six, two,

eight,

The loaves must be made.

The loaves must be made today.

What part of this aren't you understanding?

So, that's all we've got time for this month.

If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now.

We've made a print out and keep guide to the 20 Italian phrases you need to know to survive a Neapolitan prison.

That's all we've got time for this month.

Where this month we ask whether drinking seawater can make you more powerful than you ever We imagine what basketball would look like if there was no ball and no baskets and no players and no crowd and no basketball court and instead there was just you

and me

and a little bottle of wine and a gun

and a gun.

I hope there's beef in heaven.

I hope there's beef in heaven.

What part of this aren't you understanding?

May the hall of the Afterlife be decorated with your entrails!

May I believe your graves?

Oh, thank God.

Oh my god.

That's a relief.

Oh, jeez.

Okay.

How are you,

how are you feeling?

Bob, why have you got your shovel on my neck?

Just trying to make sure you don't

roll and hit your head on something.

Sort of like a recovery position kind of thing.

Yeah, recovery position.

Was I unconscious?

You had a bit of a turn, I'd say.

Yeah, just a little bit.

Had us a bit scared for a while.

Oh, I will admit.

He definitely recognises me, Dr.

Sam.

That's a good sign.

Yeah, and the breathing seems fine.

It's just

slightly confused expression, but that's normal, isn't it?

I'm just going to get ahead of something that you might just sort of, as you slowly sort of come back to yourself,

you might be aware of some discomfort maybe

in the anus region.

Have you what's this?

Have you have you shoved a scarlet at my ass?

It is a scar lead, yes.

It kind of became necessary at one point.

We were worried we were going to lose you.

It's what medically is kind of known as a controlled or delete on the body.

We basically sort of we downloaded your memory, your personality, soul, essence.

People have different sort of terms, I i guess for what it is um yeah we captured it on a vhs tape what bob very accurately said that's quite a an old medium so then we put it onto dvd it seems to have worked a treat yeah um

the good news is that your your anus remained uh open perforate uh throughout the whole thing so there was no there's no obvious classic Jacobinius arse syndrome.

There certainly were some very severe effects indeed.

I think that

VHS DVD transfer would have prevented any pathogens working their way back into the system.

So you're just safe to continue, really, in life, or just you just need to avoid strong magnets and walking underneath power lines.

There will be some downsides.

We had to sort of decide to do DVD technology, decide on a region that your personality would exist in.

So we chose region two, because that's where you spend most of your time.

I'd advise if you are going to travel to the US, to East Asia, that you might find that you have no memories.

You're a bit of a blank slate.

You won't know why you're there.

Yeah.

Right.

Might be fun.

So, sorry, hang on.

So, was it totally necessary for you to download my soul onto a DVD?

You have to understand.

I mean, I came very, very close to

lopping your noggin off.

Very close.

Very close.

Talk you down from that ledge a few times, didn't I, Bob?

Yeah.

And it would have been for your own good.

Honestly, I was really pro-Bob beheading you, but I'm actually really glad he didn't in the end because you're still alive.

Thank you, Kyla.

So, Kylo, just to get this straight,

when you downloaded my soul onto a DVD, what did you then do with my body?

Well, I just

was worried about what was going on, and I needed to do things to your body that would ordinarily be unsurvivable.

So if you look, well, I'll help you out with some mirrors, but there's a very, very long scar that goes down from the nape of your neck down your back and over a butt trick and down one leg, the left leg.

And that was just me looking for quails' eggs.

Now that I think of it, now that things have cooled down,

that wasn't justified, medically speaking.

Bob went a bit hog wild.

I needed to do something.

I was absolutely full of energy.

And then

while you were down,

down and out, I'm going to replace

your kidneys with an animal's kidneys.

An animal?

or and any animal chaffinch so you're gonna have to be very careful how you how you work those kidneys in future because they're they're

they're smaller than a raisin i think you'll be all right i don't know it was stressful do you know what i mean so i'm not going to apologize it was a stressful scenario it just okay

i guess it's just like was this was this totally necessary this was your idea let's not forget who was the architect of this whole whole whole thing yeah well no i didn't ask you to do that specifically did i kyla why didn't you stop them from taking my kidneys out?

Kyla was absolutely no use whatsoever.

She was just trying to book your replacement.

Kyla!

No, I know.

I was just trying to be organised.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Who did you ring?

Um, oh, it doesn't matter.

Who did you ring?

Alan Bauka from Beef Week.

No, not him.

Well, come on, Kyla.

I know, but you've got to admit, it's his subject.

He would be amazing.

And to be honest, you know, I did think you were dead, so you can't blame me.

Like, I mean, I was literally about to come in and twist off your penis.

Kind of, that wouldn't have helped.

Well, you don't know that, because we didn't do it, so you don't know.

Okay,

well, I guess

thank you.

You're welcome.

No, no, right.

Sam and

Bob, maybe I'll have to be in touch about the

living with the chaffrinch kidneys thing.

Maybe you can help me with that.

I don't know.

But I guess the main thing is

I

that British beef is safe.

Right.

If that's the message that a listener takes from this,

then

yeah, let them do it, I guess.

If they've listened to the entirety of what's just happened to you and they think that doing what you just did is a good idea,

then I say let them.

Yeah, probably single-handedly saved the beef industry.

Great.

That's the show, I guess.

I don't know if you guys know,

but I didn't mention this, but it's actually the 10th anniversary of me taking over as the host of the Beef and Dairy Network today.

Wow.

Yeah.

So, Bob, do you fancy coming out for a celebratory drink?

I

have

a fellow coming over to look at my Wi-Fi router.

So I better not.

Sure.

Well, thanks for coming.

And Dr.

Sam,

obviously you're busy with your appointments today, but maybe we can meet up in the summer and have a couple of vinos in a beer garden or

I'm also cursed with some Wi-Fi issues and I do not see them being solved

by the summer personally.

I think that that deadline is way too strict.

Yeah, but we wouldn't need your Wi-Fi to be working for us to have a drink together.

I wouldn't be able to relax if I thought

it wasn't working.

I'm currently talking to you over an internet connection, so it must be working.

I know.

I mean,

your guess is as good as mine.

Okay.

Well, thank you both.

Valued members of the Beef family.

Bob, I don't know if you fancy going for a hot

orangina.

I've got some orangina warming back at my hotel room.

That sounds amazing.

I've just grabbed my coat.

Kyla, the show's...

We haven't finished the show yet.

Well, it'll be fine.

Don't worry about it.

Ah,

well,

guess that just leaves me and you, Dr.

Sam.

Oh, he's gone.

Well, that's all we've got time for this month.

If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month Irish singing sensation Enya tries her hand at an ultra-marathon with no training.

So, until next time, beef out.

Thanks to Mike Kozniak, Tom Neenan, Susan Harrison, Gemma Arrowsmith, and Linnea Sage.

Also thank you to Gareth Gwynn for production help.

And of course thanks to everyone who was included in that

sort of mega mashup of old clips.

And of course everyone who's ever been on the podcast.

There's too many of you to mention all in one go now, but you're all brilliant.

But yeah, 10 years.

Isn't that mad?

Isn't that mad?

My aim with that mashup thing was that it would have a bit of audio from every episode that we've made, even if it's like tiny, tiny, tiny.

And I think I almost did it.

I think I basically lost track once I started making it.

And

yeah, but almost.

Almost.

All right, lovely.

Thanks for listening.

Some of you for the last 10 years.

See you next month.

Hey, I'm Alan McLeod, the host of Walking About, and I'm here with Adam.

Hello.

You know, as a member of the month, you're the member of the month.

You'll be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store.

Holy moly.

Oh, yeah.

I can't wait.

Thank you so much for supporting this show and the network.

Happy to do it.

What made you decide to become a member?

I just said, you know, these people give me so much entertainment and joy and fun in my life.

I got gotta support them somehow.

The outpouring of love and support that these folks-i mean, they made me maximum fun member of the month for crying out loud.

If you want this stuff to keep going, then uh support it.

Well, so nice to meet you, Adam.

Thank you very much, everybody.

Keep up the good work.

I mean it.

I'm not just blowing smoke.

Become a Max Fun member now at maximumfun.org/slash join.

Good evening.

Thanks for tuning in to 101.1 Max Fun.

It's midnight here on Host to Coast, and we've got Sarah from Michigan on line one.

Hi, I'm calling in for some help.

I used to love reading, but between grad school, having kids, and the general state of the world, I can't seem to pick up a book and stick with it anymore.

Sarah, this is an easy one.

Just listen to Reading Glasses, a podcast designed to help you read better.

Bria and Mallory will get all the pressure, shame, and guilt out of your reading life.

You'll be finishing books you love in no time.

Great.

That sounds amazing.

Also, I do think my husband is cheating on on me with Mothman.

Can you help me with that one?

Ooh, I don't think they cover that.

Reading glasses every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

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