Episode 124 - Your Host's Tenth Anniversary

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Speaker 6 Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

Speaker 6 The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by Quails 2.0.

Speaker 3 Now, I don't need to tell you that it's been yet another dark, dark month for the beef industry.

Speaker 7 Jacobinius R. Syndrome continues to spread throughout the cattle population, not just here in the UK, but worldwide.

Speaker 10 The link between genetically modified quail and the disease has now been officially confirmed.

Speaker 10 And although beef is safe to eat, even from those animals infected by Jacobinius R syndrome, beef sales have fallen to their lowest on record, and the beef price has fallen to its lowest ever, as long as you discount the 24 hours when the UK government made beef free on VJ Day.

Speaker 15 Cheap beef, of course, could seem like good news for consumers of beef, but it is a disaster for beef farmers, many of whom have already had to diversify into other income streams, such as pulling around tourists on an inflatable tire on a rope across a greased tarpaulin.

Speaker 7 So I apologise for a gloomy start to this month's show, which is a shame, of course, because it's my tenth anniversary of presenting the Beef and Dairy Network.

Speaker 6 I remember my first episode vividly.

Speaker 7 I was so nervous I'd actually taken what I've since discovered should have been a fatal dose of cattle tranquilizer.

Speaker 12 But after three or four years, I was able to wean myself off that stuff, and I can remember most of the episodes since.

Speaker 12 And I'd just like to say thank you to the production team who have done so much over the years.

Speaker 10 But I have told them that, you know, if they've prepared some kind of celebratory cake, that should be put to one side because this is a very grave time.

Speaker 5 Today isn't about me, it's about the beef family.

Speaker 5 Um,

Speaker 24 sorry to interrupt, but we didn't get you a cake?

Speaker 25 No, okay, no, yeah.

Speaker 15 No, I guess that was more of a...

Speaker 25 That was an example.

Speaker 5 Like saying, if you had got me a cake, I'd be telling you to bin it right now because of the grave situation.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 24 I'm not sure that's quite the right message either, because farmers are struggling at the moment. Like, binning food is a bit

Speaker 15 intensive.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's not the message I'm trying to put.

Speaker 7 Look, for a start, you didn't buy me a cake, so we're not, we're not binning a cake.

Speaker 27 So

Speaker 3 we're not binning a cake.

Speaker 24 Okay, great.

Speaker 14 Okay?

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 27 Sorry, everyone, that's my production assistant, Kyla.

Speaker 12 One of the production team, but also one of the beef family.

Speaker 3 And I'd like to thank you, Kyla, for everything you've done for the family these past 10 years.

Speaker 3 That's okay.

Speaker 24 Okay, have you recorded the intro yet?

Speaker 25 I'm literally doing that. Are you not listening?

Speaker 24 Oh, sorry, I'm so sorry. I wasn't, actually.

Speaker 24 I was just online, like, booking a weekend away for me and my sister. Did you know there's this farm in Sussex, right, that has a sort of cheap weekend Airbnb type place?

Speaker 24 And if you give the guy 10 quid, he'll pull you around on an inflatable tyre on a greased tarpaulin. Can you believe that? It looks so freeing.

Speaker 24 You know, when you sort of get like dragged down by, you know, day-to-day life or like a boring job or whatever or the sort of boring interactions, just imagine how free you would feel being dragged around on a tyre.

Speaker 24 Like, I mean, isn't that amazing?

Speaker 11 It's like how I carry on recording the intro now, Kyla? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

Speaker 6 Today's not about me.

Speaker 4 It's about the beef family.

Speaker 14 And so, if the production team have maybe made a special montage or bought me a gold watch, I would say no.

Speaker 2 That's not what we're doing today.

Speaker 6 Do you get that, Kyla?

Speaker 15 Just want to make sure you're listening. I don't want anything special today.
Um,

Speaker 24 yeah, we had quite a lot of ideas and thoughts and plans, but obviously we had had to cancel every single one of them.

Speaker 3 Well, that's what I wanted to happen, yeah.

Speaker 24 Exactly. So like definitely those things went through my head and some of them like reached further along the planning stage, but none of them have actually happened.
But you know.

Speaker 15 Yeah, but that's good.

Speaker 24 Exactly. It's really good.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Really good.

Speaker 5 And it doesn't mean like we can't all go for a drink after the show and just have a quiet drink, a respectful and quiet drink to celebrate, does it?

Speaker 24 Oh God, I'm

Speaker 24 really, oh no, I'm really sorry. I actually can't because someone's coming around to fix fix my Wi-Fi.
It's just,

Speaker 24 sorry.

Speaker 7 I think let's just get on with the show, shall we, Kyla?

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 7 Today is not about me.

Speaker 12 It's about the Beef family.

Speaker 15 And to talk about recent developments, I've invited two members of that wonderful Beef family to join me today.

Speaker 7 In the studio with me, I have Bob Truscothik, friend of the show. Nice to see you, Bob.

Speaker 4 Hello.

Speaker 15 Sorry about all that business with Kyla there.

Speaker 27 This is Kyla.

Speaker 7 She's a production assistant just behind the glass.

Speaker 30 Ah.

Speaker 28 Hello, Kyla.

Speaker 30 Hi, Bob.

Speaker 4 Oh, you know each other?

Speaker 31 Yes, we have.

Speaker 24 I was on holiday in Catalonia, and Bob was working for some local shepherds running the sheep tip.

Speaker 24 I'd picked up a fungal toe toe infection from the pool at the hotel and it was miles to the nearest chemist, so I asked Bob to dip me into the antimicrobial sheep bath.

Speaker 24 As he used his strong arms to dip me into the fly-flecked liquid, I knew I wanted more. And that evening we stayed up long into the night, drinking glass after glass of boiling hot orangino.

Speaker 24 Sexually, he went like a train. By which I mean that I would usually be standing up.

Speaker 20 Okay, Kyla, that's quite enough of that.

Speaker 24 Sorry, I was miles away.

Speaker 18 Right, Bob,

Speaker 12 thank you so much for coming in.

Speaker 10 How are things with you?

Speaker 14 Obviously, this is a really tough time for the whole industry.

Speaker 33 Well,

Speaker 41 it's unfortunate circumstances to be here.

Speaker 43 It's a tragic time for the industry.

Speaker 46 I mean, the flip side, I myself had a wonderful weekend sliding around on a greased tarpaulin while sitting on an inflatable tyre, being pulled by one of the farmers that I used to do a lot of work for.

Speaker 44 His entire herd has gone.

Speaker 42 So at the moment he's just charging you

Speaker 44 fiver for 10 minutes.

Speaker 52 It's a pretty good deal.

Speaker 45 It's great fun.

Speaker 15 Well thanks Bob.

Speaker 7 Now also I'm joined down the line by a TV doctor best known for his roles on BBC Radio 4's Lunchtime Prescription and Channel 5's Celebrity Blind Pill Lottery.

Speaker 10 It's Dr.

Speaker 12 Sam Archer. How are things?

Speaker 53 Yeah, very good. Thank you.
Had a wonderful weekend actually at a local farm. What the farmer's done is he's spread out this huge tarpaulin which he's then greased up.

Speaker 53 And if he bugging some cash, his son will drag you around on an inflatable tyre. Lots of fun.

Speaker 39 Yeah, sounds fun.

Speaker 53 I would like to take this opportunity as well to warn people that while it is extremely fun, there is a danger with

Speaker 53 the greased up tarp with the inflatable tyre that you could fall off and you could cause yourself an injury.

Speaker 5 And these places are completely unregulated, as far as I'm aware.

Speaker 53 Yeah, I mean, I don't even know how you'd go about... regulating them to be honest.

Speaker 53 Well, these people are quite hostile to anyone who turns up at their farm with a clipboard, so good luck regulating them.

Speaker 12 So this one you went to this weekend, did you feel in danger?

Speaker 53 Well, the thing is the farmer's son that I was being dragged around

Speaker 53 he's a strong lad, but he's not a clever lad. And so it's a trade-off there where you're going really fast, but if something were to go wrong and

Speaker 53 you had to say to him, Jimbo, stop, he might not understand you first time and that there are inherent risks involved in that.

Speaker 33 Yes.

Speaker 41 I think it's important people know it's a burgeoning scene and it is a lot of fun, but a lot of farmers, they can't really afford fuel at the moment.

Speaker 44 They're not using the tractors. I mean, a few are, the premium men, but a lot of the time

Speaker 56 it is just the very strong offspring of children themselves that are being lashed up with ropes and dragging you around.

Speaker 11 And I know this isn't what we're here to talk about, Dr.

Speaker 10 Sam, but are you seeing people coming in with injuries from these tire experiences?

Speaker 7 Or is that yet to filter through to the general population?

Speaker 53 I've seen a few broken legs and I've seen a few grease burns and things like that.

Speaker 53 So it is, is, they are trickling in. I think it's when this gets popular and then suddenly the shonkier outlets start allowing people to do this.
It might not be a tarpaulin.

Speaker 53 It might just be some bin bags that have been taped together.

Speaker 53 That's a risk. It might not be an inflatable tyre.
It might be someone who's sort of formed a circle out of a pool noodle. You know, it's sort of the knockoffs that you need to be aware of.

Speaker 53 That's where the danger lies, if you ask me.

Speaker 39 Yes, and obviously

Speaker 41 the smaller farmers which

Speaker 43 are actually at lower risk, really, on the whole, it's the larger herds that are at higher risk.

Speaker 47 And so, some of the smaller farms are holding out, but they have less space.

Speaker 59 And usually, when you come off the tyre, you come off by being effectively sort of slingshotted off the tyre.

Speaker 43 So, if there's not a lot of space between you and the nearest oak tree, for example, or railway line, then you can get

Speaker 45 a bit more of a pickle.

Speaker 14 Obviously, that's a kind of maybe positive externality to the situation.

Speaker 5 This golden age age of being dragged around on an inflatable tie or on a greased tarpaulin.

Speaker 15 But let's talk about

Speaker 5 the downsides of this situation.

Speaker 20 Bob, since we spoke last month, Jacobinius R syndrome has continued to spread and grow.

Speaker 7 There are now more countries where Jacobinius R syndrome is present. There are some countries, I believe, now where there are more cattle that have it than don't.

Speaker 6 It's not a good picture, is it, Bob?

Speaker 61 No, it's very troubling, and particularly, as you say, that number. And

Speaker 52 large swathes of Western Europe are particularly badly affected.

Speaker 33 The Americas en masse

Speaker 61 and the Antipodes actually are.

Speaker 45 They seem to be the worst affected zones, really, at the moment.

Speaker 3 Aaron Powell, it's interesting, isn't it, that those areas are the areas in which Netflix is one of the major media providers.

Speaker 54 Well, I don't think

Speaker 43 that'll come as any surprise to anyone.

Speaker 44 Really, Netflix

Speaker 43 were saved financially by getting in on the Quayle 2.0 scheme and indeed trying to

Speaker 43 improve their image to the general public by incorporating them into some of their biggest shows it's no accident the only survivor of uh squid game series 3 what was was

Speaker 51 a quail 2.0

Speaker 53 spoilers so yeah so i haven't actually um oh yes i do apologize i i am so sorry um

Speaker 7 but yes and they've retrofit quail 2.0s into into into some old classics as as well um well it it it seemed like uh an obvious thing to do didn't it, when they replaced Kevin Spacey in anything he's ever been in with a Quail 2.0.

Speaker 7 It felt like a win-win situation at the time.

Speaker 47 Again, I mean, there's great positives, and that's improved some of Spacey's work immeasurably.

Speaker 54 Even he's admitted to that.

Speaker 53 So I know we're not here to discuss this, but I feel

Speaker 53 it's award season in this United States, and they've just announced, you know, obviously the Quail is absolutely hoovering up awards.

Speaker 53 I mean, is it right that a quail should get an acting award is all I'm saying because does a quail even know it's acting in a show?

Speaker 53 It's just a bit it gets on my nerves a bit sorry that's as someone who works in TV and the media

Speaker 53 that they've sort of got you know so many garlands around this quail and it doesn't even know it's in a TV show. It's annoying.

Speaker 52 All right. Well that's interesting you say that.

Speaker 42 It's because it's not

Speaker 61 so I've only dabbled really in that industry.

Speaker 54 I did read an interview with Judy Dench

Speaker 42 who said that the fact that the quail doesn't understand that it's acting, it has no sense of what's happening at all, actually makes it it act better because it's less self-conscious and it's free of the shackles.

Speaker 19 Much like Mark Rylance, I believe.

Speaker 62 Exactly.

Speaker 63 Exactly.

Speaker 5 Doesn't even know he's alive, apparently.

Speaker 43 Barely able to register his surroundings, yes, in normal day-to-day life.

Speaker 45 Yes.

Speaker 53 Extraordinary.

Speaker 22 So, Dr.

Speaker 14 Sam, the principal reason that we've got you on the show today is that you are actually working closely with the government, I believe, on the crisis.

Speaker 7 Could you tell me about your exact role there?

Speaker 53 Yes, certainly. So I should emphasise straight away that, yeah, I'm not working with the government on a policy level.

Speaker 53 personally i'm not politically aligned with this current government i'm not really politically aligned with any particular party i sort of get my marching orders from a a very specific reddit thread um uh called hillary's emails 423 google it anyway uh so yeah so i'm not working on that level i i i'm working on a messaging level government having trouble with their messaging um i volunteered my services me and a sort of a brain trust of people that i'm very proud to be working with there's there's there's me there's rfk junior their Grylls, and Jonathan Franzen.

Speaker 3 Is this something you're doing pro bono or are you being paid by the government to do this?

Speaker 53 Not money, let's just say that.

Speaker 5 Are we talking what missiles?

Speaker 53 I'm not allowed to divulge too much, but yeah,

Speaker 53 let's just say arms, arms in general.

Speaker 44 They're a very stable commodity at a difficult time.

Speaker 53 And then the great thing is I can then, you know, in a way it's an ethical choice because then I can choose to sell them onto whoever I think

Speaker 53 globally has the best chance of winning, which is good.

Speaker 56 Or it's just a nest egg, isn't it? Yes.

Speaker 35 I've done this, done the same.

Speaker 12 And given the danger of full societal collapse that could come with this current beef crisis, it might be useful to have some heavy weaponry.

Speaker 45 Yes, and if you do have a cache of spare arms and you're flush, you can do what

Speaker 43 I heard Mark Camod did in the New Forest area, where

Speaker 34 he set off

Speaker 44 the rocket of an RPG behind him while he was on an inflatable tyre on a greased tarpaulin to really

Speaker 51 add a bit of womph.

Speaker 40 Tremendous fun.

Speaker 25 Look at me, Simon Mayo.

Speaker 11 Look at me.

Speaker 40 Yes, that's what he says on the video. Yes.

Speaker 12 Now, Dr.

Speaker 13 Sam, I don't know if you're actually able or allowed to give us an insight into this about what the government's doing, but you would have been involved this week with their decision to officially come out and officially blame Quails 2.0 for the epidemic.

Speaker 22 It was seen as an inevitable step, but let's just talk about the messaging around it because some people have said you weren't careful enough.

Speaker 10 And because of this, we've seen a wave of retribution from the public against quails, not just GM quails, but quails and actually other birds when people don't necessarily realize they're not a quail.

Speaker 10 I've personally seen someone kicking a partridge.

Speaker 22 I've seen someone hassling a pheasant.

Speaker 12 So I want to ask you about that, Dr.

Speaker 15 Sam.

Speaker 20 But maybe first, Bob, how does this feel watching this as someone who has dedicated their life to animals?

Speaker 14 Is it hard to watch?

Speaker 54 It is, but I mean, an animal I also love, of course, is the human race.

Speaker 46 And the human race will always need a whipping boy of sorts.

Speaker 33 And in a stressful time, someone is always going to get it.

Speaker 54 So few people really understand what a quail is.

Speaker 46 I saw a...

Speaker 44 a group of pensioners attack at Chihuahua just the other day and it's all associated.

Speaker 52 So yeah,

Speaker 44 there will be damage done to

Speaker 66 our nation's fauna, the fauna of the world, but

Speaker 47 it's better than that spilling out into some sort of wider conflict, I would say, something more serious.

Speaker 3 But if it does, you are armed to the teeth.

Speaker 59 Yes, if anyone makes it into my compound, they'll be faced with Lance Corporal Linda, by which I mean with my Zestava M55 Serbian triple-barreled anti-aircraft gun.

Speaker 28 700 rounds per minute per barrel, named after my mother.

Speaker 53 Yeah, very similar situation with me, actually.

Speaker 53 Anyone who wants to access my domain, you know, if they get past the dogs, then they've got to contend with a group of South African militia who like that kind of thing a bit too much.

Speaker 53 Great for me, though.

Speaker 18 Works well for me.

Speaker 3 Will maintaining a group of mercenaries like that be viable, you know, if society collapses?

Speaker 53 Obviously, there's a danger with these kind of groups that in a post-society world, money won't be worth anything, in which case, what do you pay them? How do you keep them under control?

Speaker 53 In that instance, I'm very pleased that, you know, I made them all ingest a remotely detonated grenade. And

Speaker 53 the trigger, I'm happy to say, is always around my neck.

Speaker 11 Very good.

Speaker 10 Okay, now, getting back to the issue of the public not being able to tell the difference between a GM quail and a regular quail, do you not think this is a failure on your part, Dr.

Speaker 7 Sam?

Speaker 3 A failure of government messaging. People just don't know the difference.

Speaker 53 Well, I'm delighted to say that actually

Speaker 53 we're constantly evolving the messaging. And in the next few weeks, you'll see a rollout of

Speaker 53 films, online adverts, bus shelter ads as well tackling exactly this. And the messaging is all about the feathers of the quails.

Speaker 7 Okay, well maybe you could give us a preview and let our listeners know. How should they use the feathers to tell the difference between a GM quail and a regular quail?

Speaker 53 Basically look at the feathering on the outside of the feathering and remember if it's brown on the line then that quail is fine but if there's grey on the hem then that quail is GM.

Speaker 53 So just keep that in your mind.

Speaker 53 If you really, I mean, if you have to kick a quail you know if you have to maim that bird then please just remember that before you you go in fell for leather because these are greys and browns that are very hard to distinguish on an overcast day almost identical I'd say yeah yes

Speaker 53 and because of the way that this a bit iridescent sometimes the browns can look grey and the greys can look a bit brown

Speaker 3 so maybe try and get them under a dentist's light

Speaker 53 you could do yeah although very bright light will make the feathers often appear transparent so that that won't help either, really.

Speaker 22 Well, yesterday, of course, the government took a really huge step.

Speaker 7 It's not been uncontroversial. Let's just put it that way.

Speaker 12 They put through an emergency Act of Parliament which says that, and let me get this right, any property owner or landowner or tenant on land or in a property is now legally required if they see a quail 2.0 or a mega quail, which we will remind listeners is the offspring of a GM quail and a regular quail, they are legally required to try and catch that quail 2.0 or mega quail.

Speaker 20 And if they do catch it, they should twist off its penis. I'll come to you first, Bob.

Speaker 33 What do you make of this?

Speaker 46 Well, it has my full support.

Speaker 33 It's the right thing to do.

Speaker 43 I just don't know if we're in the right generation these days.

Speaker 52 I mean, if this was back in the 50s or the 60s, you know, the post-war generation, I think people would have got behind

Speaker 48 something like that, even in the early 80s, where people briefly got into things like counting the amount of butterflies they might see on

Speaker 55 a June day if the people at Blue Peter had asked you to do so.

Speaker 63 But I don't know.

Speaker 47 I think if we are going down that route, I think that, well, I don't need to tell Sam that the messaging has to be clear because people will just listen to the last bit.

Speaker 44 And they'll be twisting the penises off anything and everything, especially if they're panicking, as people are at the moment. So education is key.

Speaker 43 Personally, I think

Speaker 52 that we shouldn't be targeting people of working age here because they're most likely to get it wrong.

Speaker 47 I think primary school education should be stopped immediately and primary school children should be trained in twisting the penis off

Speaker 40 of quail 2.0 is mega quails.

Speaker 46 To become a kind of vigilante force, like a sort of bounty hunter class of well, yes, but I mean if they've got the rubber stamp of the government, you know, they're more like a sort of uh sort of um a sort of dick militia really um i think

Speaker 69 the following is a message from the uk government jacobinius arse syndrome task force remember it is now a legal obligation that if you see a genetically modified quail on your property you must make an effort to catch it and twist off its penis For help on how to successfully twist off a quail's penis, please visit your local beef information centre, which should be running a series of workshops with the help of a local celebrity.

Speaker 69 For example, in Richmond, you can learn how to twist off a quail's penis with some of the less famous members of the cast of Ted Lasso.

Speaker 7 Dr. Sam, do you think you've got this one right?

Speaker 53 I think it's been rolled out well. I think the messaging has been good.
I think that the public discipline has been,

Speaker 53 on the whole, respectful.

Speaker 53 I would just say, I mean, for heaven's sake, you know,

Speaker 53 there are bins, there are specific bins, and they have the label. We've all seen them where you're meant to put the penises and the birds once the penis has been twisted off.

Speaker 7 They're outside your local beef information centre, normally?

Speaker 53 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 53 So just put them there. We don't need motorways littered with them.
That doesn't help anyone.

Speaker 53 So please, if you're going to do it, just make sure everything is disposed of correctly because otherwise, this is the British Isles and we want it to be clean and tidy and a green and pleasant land, not covered in quail penis.

Speaker 69 The following is a message from the UK government Jacobinius R. Syndrome Task Force.

Speaker 69 So, you've twisted off a quail's penis. What next? Great question.
Simply take it and deposit it into the designated bin outside your local beef information centre.

Speaker 69 For those living in rural areas, your local beef information centre might be running a burn-it-on-site system, in which case simply hurl it onto the roaring pyre.

Speaker 69 Once disposed of, you'll receive a form. Fill in the form and take it into the beef information centre.

Speaker 20 and once registered you'll receive a badge and a packet of crisps one detail of the scheme is that if you take the quail dick to your local beef information centre put it in the correct bin you will be given a badge yes

Speaker 12 and i guess the question is you know is that enough because you know the the scheme's only been running now for one or two days and if you look out the window you can see the country's littered with with quail dicks so do you think do you think they've got this right i understand why they went for the badge.

Speaker 33 The badge was an easy, but I think it needs to be more than that.

Speaker 44 I think it needs to be a sticker book, ideally with shinies.

Speaker 53 It's a great idea.

Speaker 53 Yeah, I mean, I can suggest it. It will be expensive.
At the minute, I mean, the badges work because they're quite easy to make. You know, kids love them, so who are we to argue?

Speaker 15 Let's talk about human health.

Speaker 32 Of course, we know the only way for a human to contract Jacobinius R syndrome is via sexual congress with an infected mega quail.

Speaker 5 Sam, have you begun to see any human cases coming through?

Speaker 53 It's what we in the medical industry call the I fell on it situation, which is people sort of claiming ignorance.

Speaker 53 You know, they have all the symptoms, but they point blank refuse to admit how they would have got this. So we have to just, you know, discharge them.
We've got no other choice.

Speaker 53 But if I was to read between the lines, I'd say I've seen about maybe

Speaker 53 eight to ten thousand people come in with those kind of symptoms.

Speaker 10 Bob, how about you?

Speaker 18 I mean, obviously, you're you're working in the farming community.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 3 There will be a certain amount of panic amongst people who work on farms. They're working in close contact with the animals who have the disease.

Speaker 25 Tell me about that.

Speaker 46 Yes, and this is a community that doesn't have access to

Speaker 33 the modern conveniences of urban life.

Speaker 57 You know, there are no bowling alleys or sinars.

Speaker 11 You can, of course, be dragged around on a...

Speaker 12 on a greased tarpaulin on the back of a inflatable tyre.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 70 Absolutely.

Speaker 44 But, you know, if if it's foul weather, you might want to stay in and

Speaker 44 bang a quail. So it's quite, it's hard to convince these people that some of their pursuits are no longer safe or to advise them of how to protect themselves.

Speaker 44 And there are other people who are just saying it's a

Speaker 59 it's a conspiracy theory.

Speaker 66 I know it isn't, but I do sometimes think that these things are

Speaker 51 are mishandled.

Speaker 54 You know, on the day that it was made public that this is how it's being transmitted to humans, It seems to me that the government, I mean, people use the word cover-up, I think they just didn't want to talk about it.

Speaker 32 Well, to be fair to the government, they put out a press release saying that they believe that Jacobinius R syndrome is circulating in small numbers, they say, in the human population.

Speaker 10 But you're right, insofar as they haven't necessarily talked about how those humans contracted the disease.

Speaker 12 Why do you think they're not being so upfront about this?

Speaker 42 I think they find it icky and they don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 34 And that's why they keep trying to change the the subject that's why on the day that the information came out did downing street release a statement no um

Speaker 44 kiostama released uh a zine um that um where streeting had done all the art for that depicted kir as a sort of uh sort of pimp killer um

Speaker 53 yeah you know it's pretty good but it's not it's it's part of the conversation but it's not it's never going to be enough to stop people talking about what what really really matters i mean okay i i i'm so i feel like i'm sort of defending the government here and i've kind of ended up in a situation where i'm i'm acting in their defense and given that i'm you know i should say i'm not contracted by the government at this stage um i had two short stories in the zine um which i i thought were quite good and sort of all carried a subtext about looking after your best health and not having sex with quails um that you know that was a strong subtext that i you know i included in there but like i say i'm not here to defend the government but i would say i think everyone is working to the absolute top of their abilities in order to kind of make sure that this doesn't turn into doesn't turn into something that becomes snowballs and then just is completely uncontrollable.

Speaker 30 Okay.

Speaker 12 Do you think the government need to bring in Matt Hancock?

Speaker 53 You know me,

Speaker 53 I'm a huge fan of Matt. We did actually speak to him, obviously.
I mean,

Speaker 53 I didn't want to get coarse, but

Speaker 53 he was going to be the face of the penis twisting campaign because his surname is similar to, you know, the two appendages that are involved in twisting off a quail's penis.

Speaker 53 In the end, he wasn't available.

Speaker 53 He was,

Speaker 53 well, he was at the same farm that I was, but because he's got a lot of, you know, he's a very wealthy man, basically he dropped, I think, something like £10,000 at this farmer's feet and said, I want Jimbo to take me to the moon.

Speaker 53 So, you know, God knows where he is now.

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Let's talk about the beef prices.

Speaker 12 Bob, you'll have been working with farmers all week, and I imagine that's been hitting them pretty hard. Beef is now cheaper than water in Britain.

Speaker 34 That's right.

Speaker 7 Obviously, this means that most farms are now kind of economically non-viable.

Speaker 12 How have farmers been taking this?

Speaker 28 Well,

Speaker 46 the ones who are doing the best are the ones who've got

Speaker 47 decent courses for greased up tarpaulins and inflatable tyres, you know,

Speaker 43 a little bit of hillage, a little bit of contourage and so on.

Speaker 44 Generally speaking,

Speaker 45 I mean, it's

Speaker 45 things are bad, I would say.

Speaker 60 Things are bad. And

Speaker 43 the price is dropping hour by hour still at the moment.

Speaker 7 Dr.

Speaker 14 Sam, obviously, this will have a mental health toll on the farming community.

Speaker 12 Is that something you're seeing coming across your threshold?

Speaker 53 Yes, once again, farmers are very private people and getting them to open up about their emotions is difficult.

Speaker 53 I would also say, you know, from a mental health perspective, if you are a farmer who, you you know, if your top almond is greased up and you have the inflatable tyre there, hop on yourself, treat yourself, you know, don't always be the drag dragger, sometimes be the draggy.

Speaker 15 Let someone else take the strain for a bit.

Speaker 11 Exactly. And drag you round.
Yeah.

Speaker 12 Both metaphorically and physically on a inflatable tyre.

Speaker 66 It's a good idea.

Speaker 46 I have to say, I feel ashamed of myself that

Speaker 44 that hasn't occurred to me.

Speaker 55 And I'm going to be spreading the word about that because I think that's such a tremendous, a tremendous idea.

Speaker 54 And a lot of these people that I meet, I mean, obviously they'll enjoy that.

Speaker 47 And I think some of them would also just enjoy just lying down on the grease tarpaulin and sort of splashing around a bit, really.

Speaker 50 Even that would be just make a grease angel.

Speaker 69 The following is a message from the UK government Jacobinius R Syndrome Task Force.

Speaker 69 If you have any questions about twisting off a quail's penis or how to dispose of the penis and register for your badge, simply call the Task Force Action Line on 5510 555556741 55 555 15 555 5516 55741.

Speaker 69 That's 5510 5555556741 5555551555551655741.

Speaker 69 Do it for Britain. Do it for the world.

Speaker 71 Do it for beef.

Speaker 69 Twist off a genetically engineered quail's penis today.

Speaker 7 Now, the reason you're both here is not just for your fabulous fabulous insight and thank you for everything you've said so far today.

Speaker 32 It's been fascinating.

Speaker 20 But as I informed you both before the show, I felt that someone had to do something about this. I saw the beef price falling.

Speaker 22 I felt the government weren't really doing anything about it.

Speaker 7 Sorry, Dr.

Speaker 10 Sam, with respect.

Speaker 22 Apart from publishing these increasingly strange zines.

Speaker 53 I mean, all the information is there if you read between the lines is all I'd say, but point taken.

Speaker 7 The truth is, people in the public at large are scared to eat beef.

Speaker 14 They're scared.

Speaker 7 And that's crazy because meat from an infected animal is completely safe for human consumption.

Speaker 5 Isn't that right, Dr. Sam?

Speaker 53 Yeah, no.

Speaker 53 It technically is

Speaker 53 absolutely fine to do. It is in your verticomas safe.

Speaker 3 You're a bit more

Speaker 12 unequivocal on the phone earlier, Dr.

Speaker 3 Sam.

Speaker 53 Well, I guess,

Speaker 53 you know, it was hypothetical there. Now it's a lived reality

Speaker 53 and

Speaker 53 one that I'm going to have to sort of watch. So, no, but you know, I stand by it.
I stand by the word safe.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 15 And so here today,

Speaker 7 on the show, in front of my witnesses,

Speaker 20 Bob Truskovik.

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 25 And Kyla behind the glass.

Speaker 2 Start the music, please, Kyla.

Speaker 15 I am going to eat some meat from an infected animal to prove how safe it is.

Speaker 10 I had intended to feed some to one of my ex-wife's children, but they refused. They obviously don't believe in the British beef industry as much as I do.

Speaker 8 Cowards. That's fine.

Speaker 27 I can take matters into my own hands.

Speaker 8 And mouth.

Speaker 7 Now, to make sure this is safe, I asked Dr. Sam to be here.

Speaker 10 He unfortunately

Speaker 10 couldn't be here in person.

Speaker 53 I, I, you know, I couldn't be there, but I'm here on the line if anything goes wrong.

Speaker 53 And I have spoken to Bob, and he'll do, you know what needs to be done should it come to that which it won't it won't because like i say everything's safe yeah yes and i i'm here and as indeed suggested uh by dr sam i am i am here with my trusty shovel music off please kyla yeah about the shovel i did um i noticed that

Speaker 59 never let me down uh yes this will uh this will take your head clean off in a single swipe right it's it's helped me out on many occasions i fought my way out of a favela uh with this thing fought my way out of a um

Speaker 44 a mass wedding I accidentally stumbled into in La Paz, Bolivia once.

Speaker 59 I had no business being there.

Speaker 55 People got very agitated, but thanks to this, made it home.

Speaker 15 In this context, I mean, this isn't like the wedding of a gang boss's daughter in a South American slum.

Speaker 6 So why? Sorry, why, Dr. Sam, did you tell Bob to bring a travel to this?

Speaker 53 It's perfectly safe. Like, this is like an insurance policy on top of an insurance policy, on top of an insurance policy.

Speaker 53 It's all going to be be fine. Just do bear in mind that, obviously, with Jacobinius R syndrome,

Speaker 53 you know, normally the R S acts as a kind of vent. It avoids toxins, it avoids pressure from the body.
When it loses the ability to do that,

Speaker 53 the human becomes like a, what's the best way to describe it? Have you seen the film Oppenheimer?

Speaker 30 Yes.

Speaker 53 Basically, that happens within the human body, and there is a.

Speaker 7 I might become a kind of genius.

Speaker 6 Is that what you mean?

Speaker 53 think about what Oppenheimer made

Speaker 53 okay um I'll give you that it's not his wife sad are you saying I'm going to explode there is a chance you could explode a very very slim chance and in that situation obviously Carla's behind the glass she's safe I'm behind the glass of the internet yeah um but Bob there uh would be at the the eye of the storm as it were and and if he thinks that things are gonna go awry um i have given him a medical sanction to behead you.

Speaker 53 Behead? Which he said he was willing to do. So I'm very grateful for that.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Did you say behead?

Speaker 61 Then, at which point your neck would be acting as a very necessary emergency vent.

Speaker 53 Yes.

Speaker 44 But you wouldn't suffer.

Speaker 57 I mean, the way

Speaker 44 I was just looking at you, I mean, with this shovel, your head had come off like a sort of pat of cream cheese.

Speaker 12 Did you say behead?

Speaker 10 Was it definitely behead, you said?

Speaker 24 Can I just say that I'm pro-beheading if it comes up?

Speaker 14 Thank you, Kyla.

Speaker 9 So, I'll be eating this infected beef after this.

Speaker 7 This episode is supported in part by Falmouth University's Comedy Writing MA, the only dedicated comedy writing masters on the market.

Speaker 7 Students learn from an award-winning TV and audio comedy producer how to write sketches, sitcoms, comedy dramas, developing a body of work for multiple platforms including television, audio and online.

Speaker 7 Students leave the course with a portfolio of scripts, treatments and responses to professional briefs briefs and connections to the industry through the professional backgrounds of the academic team, guest masterclasses, and optional in-person events.

Speaker 7 You can tap into Falmouth's pioneering creative community at any time and place that works for you.

Speaker 10 You can start your studies in January, May or September with part-time studies that fit into your schedule wherever you are in the world.

Speaker 7 If you want to find out more, search Falmouth Online for more information.

Speaker 13 That's F-A-L-M-O-U-T-H.

Speaker 4 Falmouth!

Speaker 4 Falmouth!

Speaker 2 Okay, let's eat some beef.

Speaker 15 Well, here we go.

Speaker 27 Kyla has

Speaker 10 done quite a bad job of cooking this brisket.

Speaker 32 Bit tough

Speaker 7 by the looks of things, but I'm going to do it. I'd just like to say I'm not scared at all.

Speaker 10 Because why would I be?

Speaker 32 Because this is perfectly safe.

Speaker 53 I'm not scared at all, because why would I be? Because this is perfectly safe. So I'm just writing this down for posterity, because just in case that's the last.
Anyway.

Speaker 10 Okay, Bob, are you ready to be my official witness?

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 59 The shovel is in the brace position.

Speaker 49 Yes.

Speaker 16 You're putting on one of those.

Speaker 70 It's for spatter, yes.

Speaker 12 Yeah, it's kind of penny.

Speaker 59 Yes, it's a spatter penny.

Speaker 7 Is it made of lead? It looks like it's made of lead.

Speaker 54 It's lead-lined, yes.

Speaker 73 That's really for sort of bone fragments.

Speaker 59 Okay. Yeah.
Because I haven't done this in a while, just in case my technique is a bit off, and you do need a. I mean, it should come off easily, but in case I need a few goes.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 23 Here goes.

Speaker 21 Infected brisket down the hole.

Speaker 16 For Britain.

Speaker 67 For beef.

Speaker 5 For the beef family.

Speaker 79 Shit, shit.

Speaker 15 He's having a turn.

Speaker 54 This is looking nasty.

Speaker 80 Green light, please. Requests a green light to shovel.

Speaker 81 Wait, do you have a head off? I'm going to shovel his head off. I'm going to shovel his fucking head off.
Do you have a visual on? Tell me I can shovel his fucking head off, Dr. Sam.

Speaker 81 Give me the green light. I'm going to shovel the fucking...

Speaker 81 No, no, no, it's imperative you do not behead him unless the anus fully closes.

Speaker 81 Do you have visuals? Only a partial visual on the anus? A partial visual on the anus? I didn't expect this. I don't know what's happening.
Stop smirking, kind of.

Speaker 81 Double four, six,

Speaker 81 seven, eight, triple nine, one,

Speaker 81 seven, eight, triple nine, two,

Speaker 81 seven,

Speaker 81 seven, four,

Speaker 81 Double three two.

Speaker 81 What is this podcast?

Speaker 84 What is this podcast?

Speaker 80 Is there a chance that when you find, or if you find this this life on another planet, whether it could yield

Speaker 76 a fifth meat?

Speaker 26 A fifth meet?

Speaker 83 Yes, it works.

Speaker 71 Barbara, why are there 180 cows running down the high street?

Speaker 71 I left the gate open.

Speaker 72 I left the gate.

Speaker 72 Candlemaking workshops.

Speaker 64 Scent of candles? It's not meant to be a scent, but a scent does creep into them.

Speaker 76 To find out more, I spoke to Dr.

Speaker 78 Sam Archer, a doctor best known for his appearances on BBC Radio 4's Doctor Heal Thyself and Channel 4's Cry Yourself Thin, Sky TV's Doctors in Danger, and Channel 4's 4's Transplant Tombola Live, and Channel 5's Laxative Roulette Live, and Channel 5's 24 Hours to Save My Genitals, and Channel 4's Inbouncing Penis, and his Channel 5 show, RFK Junior Live, and Channel 4's Celebrity Euthanasia Live, and Channel 4's Car Crash Anus, and Channel 5's The Great Big British Jubilee Prolapse Live, and Channel 4's Friday Night X-ray, What's Up Your Arts Edition?

Speaker 85 He's a very busy doctor.

Speaker 86 Request your position. Request your position.
Come in, Lancaster. Come in, Lancaster.

Speaker 87 Position nil, repeat nil. Mayday, mayday.
Did you get that? What's your name?

Speaker 88 Edith. My name's Edith.

Speaker 86 Come in, what's the status of your crew?

Speaker 87 You seem like a nice girl, Edith. Crew are all gone, all bailed out on my orders.
Tommy, Freddy, Bob.

Speaker 64 Are the crew gone?

Speaker 87 They'll be sorry about Bob. We all liked him.

Speaker 47 I am Bob Triskovic, and I am a specialist bovine arsevet.

Speaker 71 I'll start by inserting this scarlet into the dolphin's blowhole.

Speaker 67 There we are.

Speaker 71 And then, if you would please insert this end into your anus.

Speaker 73 Dad, I put four tins of olives up my arsehole to get that ticket, so you'd love me.

Speaker 43 A bovine anus enjoys the hot weather.

Speaker 66 It flourishes, it blooms.

Speaker 53 I don't think I've ever heard the word anus that many times before.

Speaker 35 There was very little left of this victim.

Speaker 26 It was

Speaker 60 disturbing.

Speaker 35 All that remained.

Speaker 89 It was a body. body.

Speaker 89 Or at least it had once been a body.

Speaker 31 They only found all his left was a head, his lungs,

Speaker 90 his liver,

Speaker 89 and his anus. And an anus.

Speaker 77 Big news from Brazil this week, where the beef market is hot, hot, hot.

Speaker 82 Excuse me, this bull that you're selling.

Speaker 82 It's got tiny bollocks. It's only got one eye, and one of its legs has been replaced by a wheel.

Speaker 89 I'm going to parade through the town, and then the birds are hopefully going to descend. Really, really hoping they pick up my eyes because that will prove I'm innocent once and for all.

Speaker 91 Nobody wants their two-year-old child seeing a huge baby tearing a dog in half.

Speaker 60 I get it.

Speaker 93 Last week, beef calf rearing reached an all-time weekly record of 70,000 head of healthy calf, beating the record set in March 1952.

Speaker 93 On the milk markets, prices have held steady with a gallon.

Speaker 94 Oh, sorry, I can barely hear myself thinking here. Really?

Speaker 93 Really? Will you shut up?

Speaker 93 Shut up, you infernal choristers.

Speaker 88 Be quiet.

Speaker 93 I am trying to do a report here and you're all just singing away like a bunch of merry jackanapes living in a nightingale's enclosure and I am losing my ever-loving mind in this booth.

Speaker 95 Granium is like regular sand.

Speaker 95 We all know Christmas is a busy time for candlemakers, but the rest of the year can be a struggle. Granium is like regular sand, but unlike regular sand, granium is highly flammable.

Speaker 95 Granium is like regular sand. When a linus attacks a wildebeest, why does she bite and claw at a stricken creature's neck? Because she wants those glands.
Granium is like regular sand.

Speaker 95 Use the code, eternally conscious, I roam the boundless plane of my seemingly never-ending existence.

Speaker 1 Simply use the code, I'm milking a killer whale, BB.

Speaker 96 That is the killer whale, killer whale. Black and white, tune tune, black and white army of whales.

Speaker 69 Whales trying to escape and they're having to get the harpoons.

Speaker 95 Granium is like regular sand.

Speaker 58 You're not suddenly gonna get that cow to mate with a fish and get some sort of whale cow.

Speaker 40 You're roasting a dolphin.

Speaker 73 It's a it's a noble and a premium animal.

Speaker 72 I had one of the most profound experiences of my life with one of those dolphins.

Speaker 90 Then you're ready for the whale.

Speaker 31 All you know, then of course.

Speaker 40 Don't fight that.

Speaker 40 Don't fight that.

Speaker 92 I won't let our dream die.

Speaker 87 Goodbye, darling.

Speaker 88 Our little house by the sea, our scores and scores of bright-eyed cows.

Speaker 86 Peter, there's so many things I want to ask you.

Speaker 64 Peter, do you think there'll ever be a fifth meet?

Speaker 88 Peter!

Speaker 64 Peter!

Speaker 99 Oh, God, does this mean I never have to call 5510555555567415555155551655741 ever again?

Speaker 100 I want to congratulate you on the show last night. Needless to say, I loved it.

Speaker 70 I absolutely loved it. Thank you.
I'm glad you loved it.

Speaker 100 I took my little nephew along and...

Speaker 39 I saw him with you, yeah.

Speaker 100 Yeah, I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face when that cow, I can't remember what her name was, you put her in the cannon and you find her out of the cannon, it's that bath of bolognese.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 100 And I mean, the whole crowds obviously couldn't believe what they were seeing.

Speaker 73 Incredible, isn't it? And there's the interactivity of the bolognese splashing across their faces. Well, that's right.

Speaker 100 I looked down at my nephew and he was scooping the bolognese out of his eyes out of his eyes.

Speaker 78 Yeah, well, if she hits it at the right angle, well, you do, you get a real wave.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 78 We call it a bolly wave.

Speaker 101 Dr. Valdez.

Speaker 101 Dr. Valdez.

Speaker 101 For God's sake, I don't need a beak.

Speaker 101 I just want a normal mouth.

Speaker 101 I just want a normal mouth.

Speaker 101 This fucking beak.

Speaker 101 I can't even kiss my wife.

Speaker 69 And I know there's not a god because birds exist.

Speaker 24 I can't bring myself to tell you what I've just eaten.

Speaker 24 Uh,

Speaker 29 Let's just say the beak was the hardest bit.

Speaker 85 God in heaven, grant me a beak.

Speaker 102 When you were making a lasagna,

Speaker 102 you were making a cake.

Speaker 74 Now, I don't understand the internet. In fact, I always say I don't understand anything that I can't shoot.

Speaker 74 But I've been working with my effeminate son, Glenn, and he has somehow created the Wyoming Cattle College of the Internet.

Speaker 81 Do you sanction the Eclipse Protocol? Tell me now.

Speaker 81 We may need a partial eclipse. Do you want a green light on the Eclipse Protocol, Dr.
Sam?

Speaker 81 It's not you, isn't it, Dr. Sam? Is it? It's me.
So far, what you've described is more gibbous than eclipse, and I need you to keep your head.

Speaker 58 It almost feels like a betrayal to put this image in people's minds, but if you can imagine Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and I laying on the floor of her bedroom,

Speaker 58 just helplessly laughing till tears run down our faces as corgis are jumping on us, over us, licking us. That is a day that

Speaker 58 I will treasure forever until I am executed.

Speaker 72 We're under attack by overestimate. 30 or 40 chimpanzees.

Speaker 75 Here in Deutschland, Herst Register Interdesse,

Speaker 75 weches cansteaden angela magic.

Speaker 91 as you trudge to the office.

Speaker 64 They could just have an honest life

Speaker 64 and instead,

Speaker 64 you know, no one wants to eat lamb. It tastes weird.

Speaker 64 You know, it's from New Zealand, it's not from Britain. There's no lambs in Britain.

Speaker 64 You know, it's imported. It's like the rap music.
You know, they listen to all this New Zealand rap music. They want to eat the New Zealand lamb.

Speaker 95 Cranium is like regular sand.

Speaker 83 Cranium is like regular sand. The truth of life

Speaker 98 is

Speaker 104 darkness.

Speaker 104 The only way to see everything

Speaker 104 is to see nothing.

Speaker 104 The only way to ultimate happiness is to appreciate complete grief.

Speaker 104 The only way to strength is to be weak in my presence.

Speaker 104 The only way to financial security for you is to give all of your possessions to me.

Speaker 88 The only way

Speaker 105 you are assured of go to heaven

Speaker 104 is to do things so despicable in my name

Speaker 105 that hell will not have you.

Speaker 88 And now before I go, please all bow down to me.

Speaker 88 All hail Eli.

Speaker 88 All hail Eli.

Speaker 88 All hail Eli!

Speaker 94 You flip a cow upside down, they make an excellent toboggan.

Speaker 91 Remember, it's always pig milk o'clock somewhere.

Speaker 97 Get some pig milk with beefy chunks down your lad. Go up big and strong, like you're big hovely, daddy.

Speaker 35 There you go, that's a good cave.

Speaker 97 Get your pig milk down here.

Speaker 58 Gulp it down some

Speaker 106 deep, delicious,

Speaker 97 Silky gulps of that pig milk.

Speaker 97 There you go, that's it.

Speaker 82 That's it.

Speaker 82 Goodbye, Fimpsy.

Speaker 82 Goodbye, Carol.

Speaker 82 Seven sevens! David! I'm here! Oh, my love! Oh, David, you're alive!

Speaker 31 I'm so sorry, my love. I couldn't escape.

Speaker 90 What have they done to you? You've just.

Speaker 58 Head, lungs, liver, and anus.

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 26 Oh,

Speaker 28 David.

Speaker 26 Darling, don't look at me. I'm not the man you've married.

Speaker 58 I'm just a head, lungs, liver, and anus.

Speaker 69 You're my head, lungs, liver, and anus.

Speaker 18 Is it true that the pygmy cow is mentioned in the Bible?

Speaker 102 Yes, it's mentioned in the Bible.

Speaker 7 And what does that teach us about the pygmy cow?

Speaker 80 Nothing.

Speaker 36 I hear the sound of 90s dance music coming from the yard. The cows have absolutely lost their minds, you know, not in a good way.
They were leaping over the fences in the direction of the motorway.

Speaker 107 When I dance with the giant milk cartons who are wearing the Nazi armbands, that signals, and the xylophone signals it's happening in her head.

Speaker 107 BIMPSI!

Speaker 108 Nightclubs aren't what they used to be. The young people ain't going out now for a dance as much.

Speaker 108 You've got to play to the people coming through, and they prefer sitting down, taking photos with lots of very beautiful dishes made by my ex-wife Linda, our chef.

Speaker 19 TV's Mr.

Speaker 76 Beef, Cliff Trent Roberts has been cooking beef on television since the mid-80s mid-80s and was almost single-handedly responsible for the beef renaissance of the 90s.

Speaker 12 Horse meat?

Speaker 14 Weasels?

Speaker 16 Yep. A sparrow?

Speaker 26 That's right.

Speaker 18 Squid meat. Yep.

Speaker 7 A giraffe? Yep.

Speaker 7 a lizard, a peregrine falcon, a house spider, a crab, a crayfish, and a snow leopard.

Speaker 65 That's exactly right.

Speaker 18 And that was all in one burger.

Speaker 17 Now, how did that happen, and why and how is that acceptable?

Speaker 58 Well, our burgers, and we're very proud of it, have a total of 12 different meats.

Speaker 67 Just your lovely, rich beef burgers. In the go.

Speaker 13 You're just stuffing them into the...

Speaker 67 Stuffing them, and they will start to disintegrate as you do it to anyone who's joining in and cooking along back at home. But it's important not to let that

Speaker 67 put you off. Keep stuffing them in.

Speaker 13 The great thing about the beefhead ball is the recipe never changes, you know.

Speaker 69 It's quite a simple recipe. It's a sort of um it's a whole beef head.

Speaker 31 A whole beef head.

Speaker 89 Boiled in rosewater, cloves.

Speaker 40 Rosewater.

Speaker 45 The cloves.

Speaker 107 And then garnished with parsley

Speaker 70 and freshly cracked black pepper.

Speaker 49 And then, of course, the freshly cracked pepper.

Speaker 23 You've really run that chicken's anus to its limit.

Speaker 68 Almost barely holding together, isn't it?

Speaker 79 And on Fridays only, we stock the famous Pete Smith's BLT sandwich. Pic and lettuce and tomato, no way.
You're having a laugh for now. Ball bud, liver, and ton.

Speaker 24 Children roam the streets in rags and breakfast on horses piss.

Speaker 69 Text 46678 to speak to bored sailors in your area now.

Speaker 109 Now, now. Hello, my name is Michael Banyan, and I'm a poet.

Speaker 109 You were like no other.

Speaker 109 You fell in love with my words.

Speaker 63 My wondrous powers of metaphor opened your heart like a big door.

Speaker 48 A beefy oblong with the eyes of an angel.

Speaker 109 Black as night and white as snow. You're like an edible domino.

Speaker 31 A shitty armada of arse-made pies.

Speaker 63 You opened up my eyes.

Speaker 73 Noble envoy of the bowel, priceless jewel upon my trowel.

Speaker 110 Visc, discus, shut down from Mount Olympus.

Speaker 109 Why, why, Hyundai, why, why, oh, why, Hyundai?

Speaker 70 In association with Hyundai.

Speaker 53 Hello, I think the beef meal that can't be beaten is a plate of rich beef sausages.

Speaker 81 Rich beef sausages.

Speaker 26 I have to say, my favourite beef meal is rich beef sausages.

Speaker 81 I love the taste of rich beef sausages. Rich beef sausages.

Speaker 105 Three words, rich beef sausages.

Speaker 69 If you don't have access to the internet in your home, simply ask to use the internet at your local beef information centre.

Speaker 85 The last thing I went through like this was the time that I cooked two jack of potatoes and put them in a brar and put it on just to see how much pain it could take.

Speaker 30 I like the Spaniards. Overall.

Speaker 77 Especially Ronaldo. He's the top one.

Speaker 98 Pelting an LV vicero with onions.

Speaker 40 Spill a bag of onions and you'll be picking them up for up to a minute.

Speaker 58 With one big onion,

Speaker 90 you're done in seconds.

Speaker 80 The show hadn't even started in the thin stank of onions. Awful.
Punching a pig, or taking a woman's wimple, murdering some monks, stealing an onion.

Speaker 30 We're still unpeeling that onion.

Speaker 1 Back in 2011, two friends had a dream to watch Jumanji every day and make a podcast of no less than 180 minutes about it.

Speaker 106 They quit their jobs and became the Jumanji.

Speaker 106 Should you have been in Jumanji, Roger? Yes.

Speaker 106 Yes, I should have been in Jumanji!

Speaker 22 Beverly, how has this affected business for you? Obviously, um...

Speaker 23 How the fuck do you think?

Speaker 69 I mean, I've got a warehouse full of shit.

Speaker 1 Back to you in Aylesbury.

Speaker 62 Aylesbury.

Speaker 94 There's something amiss in the pig milk factory.

Speaker 60 There's something amiss in the pig milk factory.

Speaker 84 We one morning flooded the school with hot beef gravy.

Speaker 37 Next, the beef news bulletin. But first, a look ahead to this afternoon's light entertainment.

Speaker 31 I

Speaker 97 had to tell Daniel Radcliffe that all of his leg

Speaker 62 acting

Speaker 73 was going to be

Speaker 73 edited out and they were going to substitute in a flamingo.

Speaker 96 Are you telling me that popping two farmers in isn't going to improve the original avatar?

Speaker 103 There's a huge amount of beef entertainment.

Speaker 37 A new comedy by writers Alan and McCaffrey. Their new series is called Butcher's Dozen.

Speaker 24 Effo? Effo? Yes, dear. What's this?

Speaker 53 Oh, I got you what you wanted, darling. It took me an age to pluck up the courage to steal that reptile.

Speaker 24 I said I wanted a sirline steak, not a purline snake.

Speaker 24 Through the darkness comes the light,

Speaker 77 the light of justice burning bright.

Speaker 6 The beefhead man is the best of us,

Speaker 6 blind and screaming in the dust.

Speaker 6 The dust

Speaker 77 rose

Speaker 62 Billy hot gravy

Speaker 72 Life is a struggle.

Speaker 73 Life is dog eat dog.

Speaker 77 Right?

Speaker 70 I will eat the dog. I have eaten a dog.

Speaker 92 In 1984, it became the biggest selling VHS in British history, which would then be overtaken by 1986's Costa Del Bollux III jilted at Gibraltar.

Speaker 23 I believe there should be a little less Chapel Rhone

Speaker 103 and a little more Chapel Goan.

Speaker 104 If anybody out there has the Blunderbuss, do get in touch.

Speaker 42 You haven't gotta pay for a TV license in a Turkish prison.

Speaker 85 And of course, the great thing about owning a horse and being a milkman is you can milk a horse.

Speaker 85 Get away!

Speaker 102 Oh my god! There is a way of things,

Speaker 62 a natural hierarchy.

Speaker 102 We live as the bee and the ant,

Speaker 102 serving our queen, our dairy queen.

Speaker 67 Off he goes the milky man, the milky man was here.

Speaker 67 Off he pops the milky man with his spring in the skip.

Speaker 62 Bye!

Speaker 62 Hello, I'm Tessa, and I am Milkmaid.

Speaker 36 Hello, my name is Andy Trevelyan and I won the Beef Lottery.

Speaker 73 Hello, my name is Bob Crack and I am the Bovine Farmers Union Youth Outreach Officer.

Speaker 113 Hello, I'm Professor James Harkam, recently dismissed from the Wyoming Cattle College of the Internet.

Speaker 107 Hello, my name is Dr. Clarice Troutman and I'm a psychiatrist.

Speaker 112 Hello, I'm Jenny Baxter and I am a lollipop lady in the town of Hexley.

Speaker 114 Hello, I'm Nicholas Summers, former scuba diver and now proprietor and sole investor for Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers Lead and Beef Fast Company.

Speaker 30 I'm Duckbaster, and I'm handing you the bill.

Speaker 116 Hello there, my name's Wendy Axminster, more famously known as the Rosenthal's Goosebury Girl.

Speaker 43 Hello, my name is Leslie Sunrider. I'm the manager of Woodgreen Sainsbury's.

Speaker 37 My name is Millicent Ringrose, and before the war, I was a lady of leisure.

Speaker 24 My name is King Penagore of the Lowland Folk, and I'm calling from the shores of the Black Lakes of Gimbadore.

Speaker 66 I am Larrington Borgart, Badra Exterminator.

Speaker 53 Hi, my name's Debbie Cook, and I won a bull at the Royal Suffolk Show.

Speaker 73 Hello, my name's Timothy Van Lenquist,

Speaker 35 and I've.

Speaker 35 I've lost my cow.

Speaker 35 Crank him is like regular Sam.

Speaker 35 Two, four, nine, six, three.

Speaker 35 One

Speaker 35 nine, three, four, six, two,

Speaker 35 eight,

Speaker 35 8, 10.

Speaker 80 The loaves must be made. The loaves must be made today.

Speaker 58 What part of this aren't you understanding?

Speaker 68 So, that's all we've got time for this month.

Speaker 88 If you're after more beef and dairy news, head over to our website now.

Speaker 72 We've made a print out and keep guide to the 20 Italian phrases you need to know to survive a Neapolitan prison.

Speaker 80 That's all we've got time for this month. Where this month we ask whether drinking seawater can make you more powerful than you ever ever.

Speaker 68 We imagine what basketball would look like if there was no ball and no baskets and no players and no crowd and no basketball court and instead there was just you and me

Speaker 77 and a little bottle of wine and a gun

Speaker 77 and a gun

Speaker 77 and a gun.

Speaker 85 I hope there's beef in heaven. I hope there's beef in heaven.

Speaker 85 What part of this aren't you understanding? May the hall of the Afterlife be decorated with your entrails! May I believe you greeted?

Speaker 68 Oh, thank God. Oh, my God.

Speaker 56 That's a relief.

Speaker 4 Oh, geez.

Speaker 60 Okay.

Speaker 53 How are you, how are you feeling?

Speaker 4 Bob, why have you got your shovel on my neck?

Speaker 66 Just trying to make sure you don't

Speaker 44 roll and hit your head on something.

Speaker 53 Sort of like a recovery position kind of thing.

Speaker 62 Yeah, recovery position.

Speaker 65 Was I unconscious?

Speaker 59 You had a bit of a turn, I'd say.

Speaker 40 Yeah, just a little bit.

Speaker 40 Had us a bit scared for a while.

Speaker 28 Oh, I will admit.

Speaker 28 He definitely recognises me, Dr.

Speaker 60 Sam.

Speaker 39 That's a good sign. Yeah, and the breathing seems fine.
It's just

Speaker 60 slightly confused expression, but that's normal, isn't it?

Speaker 53 I'm just going to get ahead of something that you might just sort of, as you slowly sort of come back to yourself,

Speaker 53 you might be aware of some discomforts, maybe

Speaker 53 in the anus region.

Speaker 20 Have you what's this?

Speaker 39 Have you

Speaker 7 have you shoved a scarlet at my arse?

Speaker 63 It is a scar lead, yes.

Speaker 53 It kind of became necessary at one point.

Speaker 53 We were worried we were going to lose you.

Speaker 53 It's what medically is kind of known as a controlled or delete on the body. But we basically sort of we downloaded your memory, your personality, soul, essence.

Speaker 53 People have different sort of terms, I I guess, for what it is.

Speaker 53 We captured it on a VHS tape. What? Bob very accurately said that's quite an old medium.
So then we put it onto DVD.

Speaker 48 It seems to have worked a treat.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 51 The good news is that your anus remained open, perforate, throughout the whole thing.

Speaker 59 So there's no obvious classic Jacobinius-ass

Speaker 62 syndrome.

Speaker 48 There certainly were some very severe effects indeed.

Speaker 44 I think that

Speaker 44 VHS DVD transfer would have prevented any pathogens working their way back into the system.

Speaker 42 So you're just safe to continue, really, in life, or just you just need to avoid strong magnets and walking underneath power lines.

Speaker 53 There will be some downsides. We had to sort of decide to do DVD technology, decide on a region that your personality would exist in.

Speaker 53 So we chose region two, because that's where you spend most of your time. I'd advise if you are going to travel to the US, to East Asia, that you might find that you have no memories.

Speaker 53 You're a bit of a blank slate.

Speaker 33 You won't know why you're there.

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 28 Right.

Speaker 39 Might be fun.

Speaker 14 So, sorry, hang on.

Speaker 9 So, was it totally necessary for you to download my soul onto a DVD?

Speaker 55 You have to understand.

Speaker 35 I mean, I came very, very close to

Speaker 60 lopping your noggin off.

Speaker 49 Very close.

Speaker 26 Very close.

Speaker 53 Talk you down from that ledge a few times, didn't I, Bob? Yeah.

Speaker 51 And it would have been for your own good.

Speaker 24 Honestly, I was really pro-Bob beheading you, but I'm actually really glad he didn't in the end because you're still alive.

Speaker 14 Thank you, Kyla.

Speaker 22 So, Kylo, just to get this straight,

Speaker 10 when you downloaded my soul onto a DVD, what did you then do with my body?

Speaker 51 Well, I just,

Speaker 61 I was worried about what was going on, and I needed to do things to your body that would ordinarily be unsurvivable.

Speaker 61 So if you look, if, well, I'll help you out with some mirrors, but there's a very, very long scar that goes down from the nape of your neck down your back and over a butt trick and down one leg, the left leg.

Speaker 42 And that was just me looking for quails' eggs.

Speaker 44 Now that I think of it, now that things have cooled down,

Speaker 51 that wasn't justified, medically speaking.

Speaker 39 Bob went a bit hog wild.

Speaker 66 I needed to do something.

Speaker 44 I was absolutely full of energy.

Speaker 51 And then

Speaker 51 while you were down,

Speaker 48 down and out, I mean, I replaced

Speaker 54 your kidneys with an animal's kidneys.

Speaker 39 An animal?

Speaker 51 Or or and any animal chaffinch so you're gonna have to be very careful how you how you work those kidneys in future because they're they're

Speaker 40 they're smaller than a raisin i think you'll be all right i don't know it was stressful do you know what i mean yeah so i'm not going to apologize it was a stressful scenario it just okay

Speaker 31 i guess it's just like was this was this totally necessary this was your idea let's not forget who was the architect of this whole whole whole thing yeah well no i didn't ask you to do that specifically did i kyla why didn't you stop them from taking my kidneys out?

Speaker 12 Kyla was absolutely no use whatsoever.

Speaker 48 She was just trying to book your replacement.

Speaker 65 Kyla! No, I know.

Speaker 24 I was just trying to be organised. I thought you'd be pleased.

Speaker 14 Who did you ring?

Speaker 24 Um, oh, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 14 Who did you ring?

Speaker 24 Alan Bauker from Beef Week.

Speaker 3 No, not him.

Speaker 25 Well, come on, Kyla.

Speaker 24 I know, but you've got to admit, it's his subject.

Speaker 24 He would be amazing. And to be honest, you know, I did think you were dead, so you can't blame me.
Like,

Speaker 24 I mean, I was literally about to come in and twist off your penis.

Speaker 11 Kind of, that wouldn't have helped.

Speaker 24 Well, you don't know that, because we didn't do it, so you don't know.

Speaker 11 Okay,

Speaker 7 well, I guess

Speaker 12 thank you.

Speaker 31 You're welcome. No, no, right.

Speaker 25 Sam and

Speaker 22 Bob, maybe I'll have to be in touch about the

Speaker 7 living with the chaffrinch kidneys thing.

Speaker 3 Maybe you can help me with that. I don't know.

Speaker 9 But I guess the main thing is

Speaker 4 I

Speaker 4 that British beef is safe.

Speaker 35 Right.

Speaker 53 If that's the message that a listener takes from this,

Speaker 53 then

Speaker 53 yeah, let them do it, I guess.

Speaker 53 If they've listened to the entirety of what's just happened to you and they think that doing what you just did is a good idea,

Speaker 53 then I say let them.

Speaker 27 Yeah, probably single-handedly saved the beef industry.

Speaker 62 Great.

Speaker 15 That's the show, I guess.

Speaker 12 I don't know if you guys know,

Speaker 15 but I didn't mention this, but it's actually the 10th anniversary of me taking over as the host of the Beef and Dairy Network today.

Speaker 31 Wow.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 15 So, Bob, do you fancy coming out for a celebratory drink?

Speaker 31 I

Speaker 28 have

Speaker 51 a fellow coming over to look at my Wi-Fi router.

Speaker 60 So I better not.

Speaker 12 Sure. Well, thanks for coming.

Speaker 15 And Dr. Sam,

Speaker 10 obviously you're busy with your appointments today, but maybe we can meet up in the summer and have a couple of vinos in a beer garden or

Speaker 53 I'm also cursed with some Wi-Fi issues and I do not see them being solved

Speaker 53 by the summer, personally. I think that that deadline is way too strict.

Speaker 14 Yeah, but we wouldn't need your Wi-Fi to be working for us to have a drink together.

Speaker 53 I wouldn't be able to relax if I thought

Speaker 64 it wasn't working.

Speaker 3 I'm currently talking to you over an internet connection, so it must be working.

Speaker 53 I know. I mean, your guess is as good as mine.

Speaker 28 Okay.

Speaker 14 Well, thank you both. Valued members of the Beef family.

Speaker 24 Bob, I don't know if you fancy going for a hot orangina.

Speaker 33 I've got some orangina warming back at my hotel room.

Speaker 24 That sounds amazing.

Speaker 53 I'll just grab my coat.

Speaker 7 Kyla, the show's...

Speaker 80 We haven't finished the show yet. Well, it'll be fine.
Don't worry about it.

Speaker 11 Ah, well,

Speaker 27 guess that just leaves me and you, Dr.

Speaker 9 Sam.

Speaker 56 Oh, he's gone.

Speaker 80 Well, that's all we've got time for this month.

Speaker 14 If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month Irish singing sensation Enya tries her hand at an ultra-marathon with no training.

Speaker 12 So, until next time, beef out.

Speaker 12 Thanks to Mike Kozniak, Tom Neenan, Susan Harrison, Gemma Arrowsmith, and Linnea Sage. Also thank you to Gareth Gwynn for production help.
And of course thanks to everyone who was included in that

Speaker 3 sort of mega mashup of old clips.

Speaker 16 And of course everyone who's ever been on the podcast.

Speaker 3 There's too many of you to mention all in one go now, but you're all brilliant.

Speaker 2 But yeah, 10 years.

Speaker 8 Isn't that mad? Isn't that mad?

Speaker 32 My aim with that mashup thing was that it would have a bit of audio from every episode that we've made, even if it's like tiny, tiny, tiny.

Speaker 7 And I think I almost did it.

Speaker 5 I think I basically lost track once I started making it.

Speaker 12 And

Speaker 65 yeah, but almost.

Speaker 15 Almost.

Speaker 63 All right, lovely.

Speaker 7 Thanks for listening. Some of you for the last 10 years.

Speaker 65 See you next month.

Speaker 115 Hey, I'm Alan McLeod, the host of Walking About, and I'm here with Adam.

Speaker 68 Hello.

Speaker 115 You know, as a member of the month, you're the member of the month.

Speaker 111 You'll be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store.

Speaker 68 Holy moly.

Speaker 94 Oh, yeah. I can't wait.

Speaker 103 Thank you so much for supporting this show and the network.

Speaker 115 Happy to do it.

Speaker 103 What made you decide to become a member?

Speaker 117 I just said, you know, these people give me so much entertainment and joy and fun in my life.

Speaker 117 I got gotta support them somehow. The outpouring of love and support that these folks, I mean, they made me maximum fun member of the month for crying out loud.

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Speaker 103 Well, it's so nice to meet you, Adam.

Speaker 117 Thank you very much, everybody. Keep up the good work.
I mean it.

Speaker 88 I'm not just blowing smoke.

Speaker 118 Become a Max Fun member now at maximumfun.org/slash join.

Speaker 77 Good evening.

Speaker 118 Thanks for tuning in to 101.1 Max Fun. It's midnight here on Host to Coast, and we've got Sarah from Michigan on line one.

Speaker 38 Hi, I'm calling in for some help. I used to love reading, but between grad school, having kids, and the general state of the world, I can't seem to pick up a book and stick with it anymore.

Speaker 118 Sarah, this is an easy one. Just listen to Reading Glasses, a podcast designed to help you read better.
Bria and Mallory will get all the pressure, shame, and guilt out of your reading life.

Speaker 118 You'll be finishing books you love in no time.

Speaker 30 Great.

Speaker 38 That sounds amazing. Also, I do think my husband is cheating on on me with Mothman.
Can you help me with that one?

Speaker 30 Ooh, I don't think they cover that.

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