Episode 126 - A Live Commemoration Of The Third Anniversary Of The Death Of Queen Elizabeth II

Hello, this is an audio recording of a live show we did at the London Podcast Festival earlier this month.

Of course, certain elements had to be cut out because they were too visual for this podcast version, but I think it all still makes sense.

Enjoy.

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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

And welcome to a very special live edition here in front of a sold-out audience

here in London where we are gathered to commemorate

The third anniversary of the death of Elizabeth II.

God

is

God

made

us

God

gave us

a

mass

In association with Hyundai.

Now the actual anniversary is in two days' time, and across Britain, people have been preparing for the commemorations.

On your way here to the venue, you may have seen the commendable work done by patriots, putting up England flags on lampposts and painting them onto mini-roundabouts.

Fantastic.

I definitely wouldn't say, for example, that those people are thick-opa over micro-penis numpties

who should be deported to Mars.

I wouldn't say that.

Now, if you haven't heard of Queen Elizabeth II,

and I find that very unlikely, unless maybe you're a baby or a recently escaped North Korean prisoner of war, she was the UK's reigning monarch for over 70 years and indeed is one of the world's longest ever reigning monarchs behind France's Louis XIV and of course the Burger King.

And even though Queen Liz I put in a good shift smashing the Spanish Armada, I would say that Queen Elizabeth II is one of those rare sequels that is actually better than the original.

She truly is the Terminator 2 Judgment Day of monarchs.

She died, of course, sadly at 96, and I think many were sad that she never made it to 100, just to see what happens if someone tries to send a telegram to themselves.

And of course, there was the added sadness that she didn't live long enough to see a laboo-boo.

But Your Majesty, in many ways, you were the original laboo boo.

Something that, despite the obvious grotesqueness, people inexplicably love and are happy to queue for hours and spend loads of money on.

The thing is, despite their detractors, the Royal Family are a tenacious force in British life.

They're like piss.

It stinks, but somehow we need it.

And And if you go to an old lady's house, you'll find it on a tea towel.

Now, some of you might think this is all a bit macabre, to dedicate an episode entirely to the death of an old lady.

Respectfully commemorating three years since the Elizabeth death.

In association with Hyundai.

But for us in the industry, she was more than just the Queen of England.

With her steadfast support for the British beef industry, she was also truly the Queen of Beef.

The Keef.

The news of the Queen's death was so seismic that it dominated news headlines for a week.

An unusual byproduct of this was that many well-known people whose death would usually have been reported went unnoticed.

And so, in order to give them the respect they deserve, here is a round-up of those we lost on the same day as the Queen.

Paddington.

Paddington was so heartbroken, he overdosed on a litheful mixture of marmalade and ketamine,

known on the street as a Terry's chocolate orange.

See you in the heavenly cay-hole, little guy.

Princess Anne.

She died doing what she loved, playing hungry, hungry hippos with real hippos.

Andrew Lloyd Weber.

He skidded on a roller skate left by one of the cast of Starlight Express and landed on an upturned knife in his open dishwasher.

Usually, this wouldn't be a problem because all of his knives are retractable theater knives, but Trevor Nunn had been round to show off his collection of Japanese cleavers.

Luckily, Trevor was able to regenerate Andrew moments later by frantically pumping him full of stem cells stolen from the lithe spines of chorus members from Avita.

Now, before we introduce our first studio guest, we've had a video message from friend of the show, Bob Triskothik.

Hello, Bob Triskothik here.

I'm very sorry to be missing this celebration.

but I'm currently in hiding.

I was lucky enough to meet the late Queen on two occasions.

Once when she'd had a bet with Prince Philip that if one was to look through a keyhole and only be able to see his anus,

it would be indistinguishable from that of an Aberdeen Angus.

I was the independent adjudicator and she was bang on.

And also once when she was having a slow weekend and wanted to see if we could make

a Texas longhorn with a corgi.

Yes, wonderful.

Wonderful woman.

I'd love to be there, but as I say, I'm indisposed.

Also, it seems a little disrespectful to turn up at the moment because I don't have

my dress to pay with me,

which I'd prefer for the stage.

I was examining a Belgian blue

in Lincolnshire, and I

had to go all the way in, and it got trapped in the descending colon.

And the farmer wouldn't let me back in to retrieve and the two paper because we we we'd fallen out by then over of money um but um

uh

god save the queen if that's still appropriate

thank you bob

now our first studio guest is a friend of the show he's an eminent historian who is currently taking a bit of time out from the world of academia to concentrate on his well-being and also being a caretaker for a patch of wasteland next to a power station in Lincolnshire.

Please welcome Professor James Harkom.

James, thank you for coming.

Hello, always a pleasure.

How are things, James?

You're not, I mean, obviously you've been linked with many eminent seats of academia, Plymouth University, the Wyoming Catholic College of the Internet, but currently you're not actually teaching at the moment, are you?

Well,

let me put it this way:

what is teaching?

And the Oxford English Dictionary would say that teaching is the dissemination of information via a form of communication by a learned person to a group of students.

But I happen to be sleeping under a copy of the Oxford English Dictionary, so that isn't really what I'm worried about at the moment.

Right.

You're sort of chasing miscreants off the land, that kind of thing?

Um, yes, I mean, I sometimes

shout at strangers,

move between outbuildings in a disconcerting manner.

These are listed on the job description, but in many ways, I see myself

as a latter-day Diogenes or Aristotle,

a thinker freed from the rough structure of academia and allowing his thoughts to roam as freely as the ferrets with whom I share my bed.

Right.

Are you being paid in that role, role or is it more of a voluntary thing?

No, no.

It's actually set up by the National Trust and the previous government.

They were keen to have

more rural hermits

in place

in areas of natural beauty.

Or if you draw the short straw or don't know the right

hand to shake, then yes, you end up outside a decommissioned power station in Lincolnshire.

But it's an important job, I think, and one at which truly I excel.

Okay.

Now, obviously, we're here, we're talking about the late Queen Elizabeth II.

I don't know if you ever got a chance to meet Her Majesty.

Yes,

in my more eminent days as a history professor, I was invited to one of the Queen's many garden parties.

There was also another occasion where I did attempt to chain myself to her horse at the trooping of the colour as an act of protest that now I realise was

indelicate to the body of a then 93-year-old woman.

But, you know, as she was stretched away, I think I saw a glimpse of that steadfastness,

that dignity, and of course that tremendous humour that we'd all come to love about her.

Because she called you a stupid prick, didn't she?

That's right, yes, yes.

It's that kind of witch that she had.

She could turn it on.

I mean, again, just any, just like that, you know, from nowhere.

You know,

I was touched.

You say you went to a garden party at the palace as well?

Yes, sir.

Because I don't think you've got an MBE.

No, no, that's right.

Yes,

I was actually put on the list for people who can never receive an MBE.

And

that's usually posthumous, isn't it?

Yes, yes, that is, yes.

Sometimes if they think your internet search history is interesting enough, they will put a pre-emptive ban on any honours.

It was very much, they found in the past it's been a very much a kind of stable door after the beef has wandered kind of situation.

But no,

and interestingly that also came with an official ceremony.

So I was

anti-knighted by the Queen.

And that's when she pulls a sword out of you.

That's right.

Yes, it was a surprise to me.

She removes a sword from the back of your neck and

then

you are unceremoniously kicked out of the gardens and told you can never be chairman of a major company.

Okay.

Just a major company, though?

Yes, no.

I mean, again, luckily, the 572 minor companies to which I am still registered chairman in the states of Jersey, Anguilla, and Tajikistan

remain fully accountable.

Great.

And what was your impression of her when you met her then for that so many?

Oh, I'm the queen.

That was.

That didn't.

and

it didn't go down well if I'm honest with you.

She did have a serious side.

And I think for matters of state, you should not be impersonating them to their face.

No, no.

Andrew loved it, though.

Andrew was a rascal.

He came up to me afterwards and he said, good on you, mate.

That you've done well there.

And there's a line of something in the toilets for you.

I never found out what it was.

It was a line of credit, wasn't it?

That's it, yes, yes it was, with a to a merchant bank in uh Basel.

That's right.

Uh no, um obviously you're a historian.

The queen, Queen Elizabeth II obviously was was a a servant of beef.

She was a very pro-beef monarch and that's why we're here to celebrate her today.

If you look back in history, is that unusual for a a monarch to be so pro-beef?

I mean absolutely not.

I mean we should we should never underestimate the role that Her Majesty played in in in in pushing forward the beef agenda,

but

royalty and beef have gone hand in hand since.

Hand in hand.

Hand in hand.

So I know you're getting emotional.

It's understandable.

It's still raw, isn't it?

You're talking about the beef, yes.

Just crack an egg on top of that.

Lovely.

Many many British monarchs, British monarchs especially, have always been pro-beef, as you say.

Charles II,

of course, the merry monarch, and it's impossible to find any merriment without beef.

Famously, his mistress, Nell Gwynne, was herself a Frisian heifer.

Which again is something that

history has overlooked for a long time.

But we have to understand that in the 17th century, Nell Gwynne was a famous actress, very new to the world of theatre, and it was considered quite disgusting, rightfully so, that a woman should be allowed to participate in the performing arts in any manner.

Certainly less disgusting than the thought of a reigning monarch having full sex with a cow.

So Charles II, obviously a big beef guy.

If we go further back, is there any...

Oh, even, I mean, throughout the medieval period,

William Rufus, of course, is the son of William the Conqueror, very much looking to cement his position as a legitimate king.

He was entirely surrounded by beef at all times.

He filled the great hall of Windsor Castle with cattle,

sometimes stacked eight high.

And then in the Christmas of 1068, he was himself nearly trampled to death by by his Christmas cattle.

In the end, the roof was fitted with hinges.

They would just be pouring more cattle in the top.

It became dangerous.

This was then by the reign of Richard II that the rollers become more ceremonial.

So it became understood that

a king's power was not judged solely by the tonnage of cattle.

around his body because it was very difficult to even run messages to him.

You couldn't understand what he was saying.

A lot of royal proclamations throughout the 11th and 12th centuries,

if you translate directly from the Latin, appear to just be, help,

help me.

I am completely surrounded by angry and sad cattle.

Is it true that George, was it George III,

he put out word to all the scientists in the kingdom that he wanted to create a cow that could circumnavigate the globe?

That's absolutely right.

Yes, in the golden age of exploration, we think of the great voyages, the circumnavigation by George Anson,

and this is the golden age of the Royal Navy.

And the discovery of longitude, of course, meant that the ships of the Royal Navy could go farther, they could last longer,

and spread

the message of British civilization,

Enlightenment values, and syphilis to parts of the world that had never experienced that level of sophistication.

The problem was how do you feed a ship's crew?

If you're going to sail around the world, if you're going to discover the Northwest Passage,

then you're going to need some beef, aren't you?

You're going to need a cow that

can last for years, some hardy, seagoing cattle.

And this was where

it was a watchmaker originally John Dickinson of Clarkenwell who invented the manatee,

a form of sea cow that could be farmed and fed to sailors.

It's kind of like an early jet ski, isn't it?

Absolutely, yes.

Nelson himself at the Battle of the Nile rode a manatee

and that's how he lost his eye.

Well James Harkam, this has been very enlightening.

Thank you very much.

James Harkham everyone.

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Now, before I introduce our next guests, well, it's a bit awkward.

They don't know that the queen has died.

Okay?

They're just a little bit funny about it, so we're just not going to mention it.

Okay?

Nobody mentioned it.

Okay?

Now, with that in mind, please put your hands together for King Penagore and Amanda.

Hello and welcome to Jonathan Tonzano

King Penagor.

No, sorry, of course.

Jonathan Tonzano.

Penegor.

Tonzano.

Pennegor.

Tonzano.

And Tonzagor.

Please welcome King Penagore.

Thank you.

I am honoured to stand in your court, good man.

I hope that my presence brings you as much honor as your invitation has brought me.

And to the audience, thank you.

Your welcome is as warm as the blood that surely courses still through Queen Elizabeth's veins.

Yes, right.

Now, many of our listeners will be familiar with you, King Penegore.

You've been on the show before, but some won't.

So maybe you can introduce yourself to the past.

Of course, of course.

You stand before King Penegore, Master of the Lowlands.

My kingdom stretches from the glimmering marshes of Kalrun to the dark shores of the Black Lakes of Gimbador.

It is a beautiful kingdom indeed, although it pales in comparison with the beautiful visage of Queen Elizabeth II.

Right, and you are joined by your companion, Amanda.

Yes, yes, that's right.

Allow me to introduce my most trusted travelling companion, Amanda the magical Geordie.

Yarit,

it's me,

Amanda the magical Geordie.

Amanda, wonderful to meet you.

Did I hear you correctly when you just said that you're a magical Geordie?

Aye, yeah, that's right.

Always here, Pennegore's right hand with a little magic trick to keep his spirits up.

That's right.

If I'm ever feeling down and blue, perhaps I'm imagining the death of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, for example.

I turn to Amanda and she pulls something magic out of her sack.

Wow, brilliant.

Amanda, could you do a trick for us here today?

Oh, yeah, I, please.

And have I done a magic trick in front of an audience this big before?

Right.

So,

watch as I plunge my hand into my magic sack and...

Oh, no.

What's the matter, Amanda?

Trick over!

What's in the sack, Amanda?

25 dead pigeons!

Okay, let's let's move on, I think.

What brings you here, King Pennagal?

Well, as you are well aware, I have long ruled over my subjects, the humble folk of the lowlands.

I possess treasures beyond imagining.

The enchanted sapphire of Kroon, the ruby eyes torn from the dragon that guards the sacred port of Dog's Rock, a 2009 Hyundai Eye-10.

Yet for all my wealth and power, there remains one prize that eludes me.

Oh, yeah, what is that, King Pennegal?

I ascended to the throne as a wailing infant, swaddled only in reeds, plucked from the crimson waters of the river Pel Fatun, by the black witch of Gimbador, who discerned my royal blood and set me upon the lowland throne.

Yet

I have never known my true parentage.

Ah, I see.

I believe that to know my blood is to know myself.

And also, I must ensure, beyond doubt, that I share no kinship with the detested Greg Wallace.

Is that a genuine worry for you, King Pennigor?

Sometimes, when I'm presented with a bread-and-butter pudding, I will go lively.

So, I would just like to rule it out.

Yes.

Fair enough.

So, why has your quest brought you here to the United Kingdom?

Well, legend whispers that the only way to ascertain my lineage is to gaze upon a certain tattoo.

A tattoo that displays the bloodlines of every royal family stretching back to Adam and Eve.

And that tattoo is on the back of Her Living Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

Oh, okay.

So seeing the Queen's back is the only way you'll ever know who your parents were?

Yes.

It's that for ancestry.com.

But I don't like computers.

Begone, wretched magical calculator.

To thee, I say, 5318008.

Yes, that's right.

Turn it upside down.

I just said boobies.

Okay, I see.

But but

why now?

Because in some ways now might not be the best time to be trying to do this.

Oh, quite the opposite.

Four years ago, the news reached me that Prince Philip, the old racist bastard,

had died, and so I knew it was time that I set off that day on my journey to England so that I may seduce the queen and see her back tattoo.

Right.

I hear that sexually she goes like a train.

She carries on for hours as long as you keep shoveling coal in.

Oh, God.

No, no.

But wait, wait, wait.

When you said, Tarry, when you said that now may not be the best time to attempt this, what did you mean?

Oh, no, I don't think you should worry about that.

Amanda, the magical jewelry, why don't you try another magic trick, eh?

Okay.

Why don't we see what's under my heart?

Oh, no.

Ah.

It's a dead dove.

It's a dead dove.

It's a dead dove.

I'm sorry, Pet, I am absolutely shite at this.

Nonsense!

By the steel of my ancestors and the watchful eyes of the grey knights of the frozen wastes.

I vow she is more than capable of this sorcery, eh?

You don't have to lie for us, King Pennegore, Pet.

The truth is,

I've never successfully done any magic.

I know.

Some magical Geordie, I am.

Barely even a Geordie.

You sound like a Geordie to me, Amanda.

I, but I've never even been to Newcastle.

I've lived in the lowlands all my life.

I was found as a baby by King Pennegor in the moat outside of his palace, wrapped in a copy of Viz magazine.

But when I started talking, I had this accent.

And so I believe I was born in Newcastle.

I have no memories of it, but all I have is this tattered photograph of Alan Shearer.

And I believe him to be my father

and my mother, Jimmy Neil.

Ah, what a treat for our American listeners.

And to be honest, anyone under the age of 40, who I'm sure

will have heard of both of those men.

I too had not heard of Jimmy Nail when Amanda told me, but I now know him to be a popular actor and singer from Newcastle, perhaps best known for his 1994 number four charting single, Crocodile Shoes.

Thank you, I King Pennyworth.

Now, not to question your theory, Amanda, but Jimmy Nail, as far as I know, is a cisgendered man.

So, how could he have been your mother?

He is a man, but not a lot of people know this, right?

But he's got a crocodile's womb.

Sorry, did you say crocodile's womb?

Crocodile's womb.

Aye.

Yeah.

I believe I was birthed from Jimmy Neil's crocodile womb.

And I hatched from a leathery egg.

And that's what gives me magical powers.

Yeah, we're still yet to see any of these magical powers, Amanda.

Well, right.

You wait until you see what I've got up my sleeve.

Oh, friggin' hell.

Another dead bird.

Oh, I wish.

So, as you see, we both had unfinished business here in England.

And so we began our journey on foot.

We passed through the misty marshes of Merkwallow, where the reeds whispered secrets of kings long dead.

We trudged across the shimmering sands of Salandria.

We skirted the howling peaks of Mount Naldspire.

We navigated the labyrinthine forest of twisted pains.

We traversed the frozen falls of Fjornheim.

Then we crossed the obsidian canyons of Anyxia.

The murmuring meadows of Melancore.

The ever-stormed hills of Eldras, I think we get it now.

You've come a long way.

We get it.

The shadowed marshes of Maundra.

The glimmering hills of Veldarion.

Here we get it.

The crystal wood forests of Thalor.

The gilded spires of Aranthus.

Here we get it.

Ironwood barons of Sarnath.

Shattered cliffs of Myr.

Blackstone canyons of Dromeir.

Frost Veil tundra of Hallandor.

Until finally we reached Belgium.

Thank God.

But what we didn't know was that we'd been pursued the whole way by the Riddle Witch of Tarn.

I am the Riddle Witch of Tarn, and I have followed you these long years

across the misty marshes of Merkwallow,

the shimmering sands of Salandria,

Mount Naldsbire,

the labyrinthine forest of twisted pines,

the frozen falls of Fjornheim.

Truncate your list, foul witch!

And now I'm here in Belgium.

What do you want from me, Crone?

I will let you continue your quest if you answer my riddle.

What melts like ice yet burns like fire?

What flies like a bird yet cannot tire?

Well, perhaps you should solve the riddle of my cold steel.

Take that, foul witch.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you the British Railway Network before 1994?

Because you just got publicly owned.

So, after Pennegar killed the witch, what began to attract the interest of Belgian Havago heroes who thought they could bring him down, but they were wrong.

By this point, I was killing Belgians without discrimination.

And the streets of Belgium ran red with the Belgian blood of red-blooded Belgians.

He went absolutely mental.

You see, I've never felt at ease in Europe.

I think it's their obsession with using B-days.

Do not bid me wash my anus.

It is building up a patina.

And it was then, as he was ranting about his hard-won patina, that the police arrived.

Excuse me, sir.

Here in Belgium, we do not murder people with a sword.

No, we usually poison them with a delicious pastry of some sort.

Unhand me, constable, for I am sovereign of a realms beyond your petty jurisdiction.

Taste cold steel!

Please, show me mercy.

Please, si fou play!

Whatever please is in Flemish.

I have a Belgian wife and three beautiful Belgian children.

Tell me,

do you have a B-Day in your bathroom?

Natural more.

Of course,

my anus shines like the gilded halo of the Archangel Gabriel.

Then may your anus turn red with Belgian blood!

No,

Whatever no is in Flemish

And then we've got on the Eurostar

Hello, sir.

Do you have a ticky?

Cold steel!

And we're arrived in London.

Welcome to London!

Welcome to the end of my blade!

And then we're arrived here, and he hasn't stabbed anyone with his sword.

Not yet.

I see.

So we would appreciate your help giving us directions to our final destination, the capital of your fair country, the bejeweled city of Aylesbury,

where I shall meet and seduce Her Majesty.

Apparently, sexually, she gans like a train.

If you don't pay for a ticket, she throws you off.

Unless you're in the toilet.

Right, well,

we'll think about helping you out later somehow, but for now, thank you to King Penagore and Amanda the Magical Geordie.

Anyway, now back to our commemoration.

Humbly honoring the Queen's lizard death

in association with Hyundai.

Now, we all have an idea of what the Queen was like from her public persona, but we wanted to get closer to the real Elizabeth.

And so, earlier this week, I interviewed staff members from the royal household to find out what she was really like.

Jacinda was one of her human footstools.

I used to sit and watch the crown with her, which was hard, not just because she had her feet on my neck, but because every time a new character came on screen, whether it was Princess Margaret or the Archbishop of Canterbury, she'd shout slag and start

throwing jewels at the screen.

Alex was one of her concubines.

I

used to throw food out to the poor from her carriage, handfuls of what looked like hot beef mints straight into their grateful faces.

But actually, it was poisoned horse meat.

Those people wouldn't live to see midnight.

Not really sure why she did that.

Wonderful woman, though.

Sexually, she went like a train.

In that, she had a special compartment where you can stir your bike.

Rosemary was one of the Queen's ladies-in-waiting.

I remember vividly one time I was getting her dressed for our first beef breakfast of the day, the big rubber outfit with the gristle collecting babe and the integrated bone saw.

And I was just zipping up the rubber face mask and the gravy snorkel.

Prince Andrew burst in with all hams clinging to his greasy chin.

And she said, What have you been doing?

And he said, Mummy, I've been eating breakfast, hams.

And then she screamed, Liar!

If you'd been eating meat, you'd have the meat sweats, just like your beef guzzling mother.

And he said, But, mother, I cannot sweat.

And at this, her eyes sort of turned dark, and she spun around to face him and screamed, You'll be sweating when I stop paying your legal fees, you pervert.

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Right, there's a rumor going round

that last Christmas I shoved a Christingle on my ass.

It's not true.

It's not true.

Nobody could do that.

Now, when I think back to that awful day with the newsreader Hugh Edwards introducing footage of Liz Truss announcing the Queen's death, it's amazing to think that almost none of that is a thing anymore.

We are very lucky to have our next guest here, one of the last people to see the Queen alive.

Please welcome former Prime Minister Liz Truss.

Hello!

Hello, yeah, it's me.

Yeah, hello.

It's me, Liz Truss.

Wow,

Liz!

You're so happy to see me.

Hello.

Now, for listeners, you know, we can all see you in here, but for listeners who can't see you, I'll just explain that you are dressed as a giant lettuce.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's right.

I actually, I was pleased when, you know, those jokes happened surrounding the lettuce.

Because, yeah, the joke was, of course, that you wouldn't be Prime Minister long enough to see a lettuce wilt.

Well, yeah, yeah, but you know, for me, I enjoy that kind of humour.

And, you know, I actually built on it and have made a success of it

by bringing out a children's book.

That's right.

Now, so Liz is here.

We'd obviously like to hear about your experience meeting the Queen.

She said she'd only come on if we plugged her children's books.

So maybe you can introduce it.

There it is.

There it is.

It's

the little lettuce who saved the economy, brackets in the long term,

despite what her detractors might say.

So, you know, I have been passionate about children's literature for at least three months.

And, you know, if it's good enough for David Walliams, it's good enough for me.

And frankly, if everyone else is doing it, why can't I?

And so I did.

Right.

Now, we want to talk to you, of course, about meeting the Queen.

You were famously one of the last people to see her

alive.

But also about my book.

Yes.

So

as you'll see when you read it,

the deep state is represented by red peppers

with frowny faces, and the woke bank of England is a lettuce draw.

Right, okay.

Let's talk about your time meeting the Queen.

Okay, yeah.

Now, obviously, you became Prime Minister at a time of great political turmoil.

Yeah.

In a way, you seemed to come from nowhere.

You already had a kind of meteoric rise,

by which I mean you crashed into the ground on fire.

No.

What was it like when you met the Queen?

You know, it was a great day for her and me.

We had a lot in common.

We,

you know, we really saw eye to eye on a lot of things.

And so much can be said without words.

And it was.

And I, it did.

Okay, what about the persistent rumours that you told her your plan for the economy and then she instantly died?

No, no, you're wrong about that, actually.

But the fact remains that, you know, you went to see her, and then very shortly afterwards, she was dead.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

What did you just say?

Oh, nothing.

I mean, sorry, King Pennygot.

I'm interviewing a former Prime Minister here.

I have been listening to the interview from the backstage area, and I can't believe what I've been hearing.

Can it be true that Queen Elizabeth, my only hope of knowing my true parentage, is dead?

Yep, she's dead.

As dead as the annual Christmas party I throw with Kwasi Kwateng.

I'm sorry, King Penagor.

It's true.

Sound the bells until their iron tongues are worn smooth.

Let every banner in the realm be dipped in black pitch.

Summon the hornblowers.

Let every chorister in the seven kingdoms bellow the requiem until their lungs burst.

May the bird chorus say, The Queen of England is dead, and I, King Penagor, am adrift.

I'm so sorry, Pat.

Not only has the world lost a truly wonderful person,

but also buried is the back tattoo, the hallowed human vellum, upon which is rendered my last chance of finding out who my parents were, and whether I'm related to the despicable knave Greg Wallace.

Amanda, please, a magic trick to lift my spirits.

But

I cannot do magic tricks, King Panagor, you know, you know.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Amanda, I brought you here across the misty marshes of Merkwallow, the shimmering sands of Salandria, the howling peaks of Mount Gnal.

Aye, aye, ah, I was there.

Oh, sorry.

No, well,

know this.

My faith in thee is as unshakable as the stones of my granite throne.

By my crown, I beseech thee, conjure forth thy wonder.

Okay,

I'll have a go.

Right, here goes.

Amanda, you did it!

What?

You made Queen Elizabeth's backskin appear!

This whole thing, I've been using it as a tea towel.

Oh, so you didn't make it appear, Amanda?

No, but I did just pull this dead eel out of me trousers.

You, discarded Premier!

How is it that you have the fated backskin in your possession?

Well, you know, my mum said when I went to see the Queen, bring back a souvenir for your old mum.

And she said, make sure it's something that no one else could get.

And I I couldn't think of anything truly unique until it hit me.

And I had one of my good Liz Truss ideas.

And I thought, I'll tear the skin off her back.

So I tore off her back skin.

When I got it home to mum, she was horrified.

So I've had it ever since.

Let me gaze upon it so that I may know the truth of my forebears.

Yeah, here you go.

Damn.

It is written in the runes of the cave people of Frondomir.

Please, please, allow me.

Hello.

Professor James Harkam, historian.

I learned how to read the runes of the cave people of Frondomir in my second year at Swansea University.

When I wasn't out getting totally lashed up like a bloody ruddy legend,

you, pompous academe,

please read the runes so that I may know my true self.

Okay, well, it's a bit harder than it might be because it looks like she also had a red-hot chili peppers tattoo on her back, so

it's a bit complicated.

Make haste, man!

Okay, okay, okay, so I've found you here,

Quintin Pennegore the 15th.

Yes, yes.

Fascinating.

Absolutely.

This can't be right.

What is it, James?

Every one of your ancestors, going back 35 generations,

is called

Jonathan Tonzano.

Tonzano?

Tonzano!

Tonzano?

Jonathan Tonzano!

Tonzano!

Tonzano!

Jonathan Tonzano!

Tonzano!

Hey, stop right there!

Stop!

This is a police raid!

Sorry, um, the police.

We're in the middle of a show here, and these two men are shouting the word Tonzano at each other.

I am here to arrest this man, who's no doubt introduced himself to you as King Penegore or some nonsense.

Damn it, wench, address me by my full title.

His Sacred Majesty King Penegor of the Lowland Folk, Lord of the Seven Pits of Gabralor, Defender of the Sacred Hammer, Keeper of the Moon Calf, and Sovereign of of all.

I'm arresting you for the offence of impersonating a medieval fantasy king,

and also the lesser charges of several murders.

I killed only those who deserved it.

I vanquished the evil Riddle Witch of Tarn.

Okay, right.

There is no Riddle Witch of Tarn.

That woman who you killed was a totally innocent Belgian lollipop lady.

Are you sure?

We've been chasing this man across the whole of Europe.

He's not King Pennegor.

No, his true identity is Barry, and he works in a pin factory.

Barry?

Is this true?

I work in a pin factory.

Making pins, making pins Making pins all day

Long pins, short pins, pins, pins, pins If the pins go wrong, we put them in the bins I make pins, pins, pins, pins

So, Barry, what was all that King Panagor stuff about?

Well, working in the pin factory,

because I do, you know, I work in a pin factory.

I don't know if you knew that.

Things can get quite monotonous.

Make one pin, then make the next pin,

then another pin.

By then, it's time for another pin.

Then another pin.

So my mind began to wander, and I imagined someone completely unlike myself.

Someone powerful, exciting, and someone who doesn't have to make pins all day.

Suddenly, the break room isn't just the break room, it's the chamber of forgotten spells.

The toilets are the gilded throne room of Penagore.

Suddenly, the corridor with the vending machine is my grand hall of concubines.

And before you know it, I'm having sex with the vending machine.

And then, of course, that just leads to buying a sword off Facebook Marketplace, and it all gets out of hand.

But I just want to say, Amanda, my time spent walking around Belgium stabbing people with you

was the best time of my life.

Thank you, Pat.

Right, Barry.

There's no pins where you're going.

Jail.

I work in a pin factory.

I'll let you get back to your little show.

Wow.

Amanda, how are you feeling after that?

Well, I found that last section a bit confusing, if I'm honest.

But as for me, well, despite everything that's happened, I'm still no closer to finding out if I was born from...

Jimmy Nail's crocodile womb.

Do you mean Jimmy Nail, the popular actor and singer from Newcastle?

Perhaps best known for his 1994 number four charting single, Crocodile Shoes.

That's right.

And I've still never done anything magic.

You know, maybe

I'm thinking that maybe magic just doesn't even exist.

I'm the worst magical Geordie in the Seven Kingdoms.

Amanda, can I give you some advice?

Amanda, I wouldn't take any advice from this trust.

No, no, hear me out.

I felt like you once.

But if my experience in the Conservative Party has taught me anything, it's that magic does exist.

You know, how else would someone as actually thick as me become the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom?

All you need is to believe it, and it can come true.

As long as you're well-connected enough and you went to Oxford, you can make any dream a reality.

You know, isn't that magic?

I just have one dream.

My dream is to meet Jimmy Nale, the popular actor and singer from Newcastle, perhaps best known for his 1994 number four chart and hit single, Crocodile Shoes.

Well, I believe in you, Amanda.

Thank you, Liz Tross.

I'm going to believe in my dream and make it a reality.

Hi, everyone.

It's me, Hard as Nails, Jimmy Nale.

The popular actor and singer from Newcastle, perhaps best known for my 1994 number four charting single, Crocodile Shoes.

Oh my god, I did it!

Hang on, hang on.

You're not Jimmy Nail.

Jimmy Nail's a Geordie.

Not so, dear chap.

I was a promising young singer from the Buckinghamshire town of Aylesbury.

As soon as I signed my record contract, the big cheesers in the record company started changing things about me to make me be more marketable.

They told me I had to put on a Geordie accent.

Why I man.

And worst of all, they told me that I had to hide the truth about my crocodile womb.

So it is true that you have a crocodile womb?

Indeed, I do.

When I was traveling as a young man after my A-levels, I lost a bet in a dockside barn in Cambodia.

The next morning, I woke up in a bathful of ice, my money and passport gone, with a saltwater crocodile's womb grafted onto my bowl bag.

It was a great inspiration for my songs, until, of course, the record label made me change the lyrics to my single from Crocodile Womb to Crocodile Shoes.

I think if we'd stuck with Crocodile Womb, we'd have got to number one, don't you think?

Probably not.

So, Amanda, I believe that you think you were born from one of my leathery eggs.

Hi, Jimmy.

I believe I was.

It's plausible.

You have all the hallmarks of one of my thousands of children.

The bright eyes, the glossy hair,

the stinking cloaca,

the long, scaly snout with 60 razor-sharp teeth.

Oh, Father!

Come here, my girl.

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

This is a police raid!

Oh, what now, the police?

Sorry.

I'm sorry, everyone.

When I arrested Barry earlier, I should have arrested her, too.

She's an accessory to murder.

Amanda, the magical Geordie.

Oh, right.

She's giving you that story, is she?

She's not called Amanda.

It's true.

My name is Barbara.

I'm not a magical Jordy.

I w

well, I work in a pin factory.

Oh, for God's sake.

Making pens, making pens,

making pens all day.

Long thin needles, starby ends.

The pens are my only friends.

Pens, pens, pens.

I make pens.

I'm also going to arrest this man who claims to be Jimmy Nail.

Why, what's he done wrong?

Nothing illegal.

I just think he's weird and I don't like it.

Fair play.

Ah, and it's true.

I'm not hard as nails, Jimmy Nail.

The truth is, my life is less about nails.

and more about pins.

You see,

I work in a pin factory.

Enough of that.

Come on, you two.

I work in a pin factory.

I work in a pin factory.

Well, I guess that's the end of the show.

But how do we make sense of what we've just seen?

Maybe with a song.

And like all good songs, I want you to join in for the chorus.

Okay?

I think you're going to know it.

It goes like this.

Crocodile woo

Crocodile woo

Crocodile woo

Crocodile woo

Think you can do that?

Let's do a practice.

Ready?

So

Crocodile Woo

Crocodile

Crocodile

Crocodile

That was very beautiful

Let's do it

Tea flags and pageants all the time

Though there's a king

She's still always on my mind

The rain falls down.

She's really gone.

What flow my tears as I cry and eat a swan

Corgi still how

in the moonlight gleam

Guarding the gates of a long-dead phantom queen

Crocketto

Thank you.

Thanks to Tom Crowley, Sammy Dobson, Susan Harrison, Mike Shepard, Mike Wozniak, Linnea Sage.

And although you didn't hear them on this recording, we also had an amazing performance from The Dairy King, which needs to be seen rather than heard.

Also, thank you to Greg Johnson, who did all the video visuals on the day.

Again, you can't see those on this, but he did a really good job.

And thanks, of course, to everyone who came along.

What fun it was.

If you'd like to see the live show with your eyes, with all the bits that were cut out for this audio version, you can still buy a streaming ticket up until the end of the month, I think.

And I will put a link to that in the show notes.

Okay, bye.

Hi, I'm Alexis.

I'm one of the co-hosts of Comfort Creatures, and I'm here with River Jew, who has been a member since 2019.

Thank you so much for being a listener and a supporter of our show.

Yeah, I can't believe it's been that long.

Yeah, right?

As the Max Fun member of the month.

Can I ask what sort of made you decide to be a member?

I used to work in a library, so I just used to listen to podcasts while I reshelfed all the books.

Really help was

doing being at work.

So I just wanted to give back to what's been helping me.

Yeah.

It feels good to be part of that.

As the member of the month, you will be getting a $25 gift card to the Maximum Fun store, a member of the month bumper sticker, and you also, if you're ever in Los Angeles, you can get a parking spot at the Max Fun HQ just for you.

Yay!

I'm actually going to LA in September, so I'll get to use the parking.

Yes!

Thank you so much, River, for doing this.

This has been an absolute blast.

Yeah, of course.

I've been so glad to be able to talk to you too, and I'm so excited to be a member of the month.

Yay!

Become a Max Fun member now at maximumfund.org/slash join.

Hey, everybody, I'm Jeremy.

I'm Oscar.

I'm Dimitri.

And we are the Euro Evangelists.

We're a weekly podcast spreading the word of the Eurovision Song Contest, the most important music competition in the world.

Maybe you already heard Glenn Weldon of NPR's pop culture happy hour talk up our coverage of this year's contest.

But what do we talk about in the off-season?

The rest of Eurovision, duh.

There are nearly seven decades of pop music history to cover.

Mm-hmm.

We've got thousands of amazing songs, inspiring competitors, and so much drama to discuss.

And let me tell you, the drama is juicy.

Plus, all the gorillas and bread-bacon grandmas that make Eurovision so special.

Check out Euro Evangelists available everywhere you get podcasts.

And you could be a Euro Evangelist too.

Ooh, I want to be one.

You already are.

It's that easy.

Okay, cool.

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