Episode 127 - Beef Pie

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Speaker 10 Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

Speaker 10 The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine.

Speaker 10 Brought to you by Mitchell's Spooky phantom blend because of course it's Halloween or for many of you beef a ween where children go door-to-door dressed as butchers requesting beef this month we have a spooky audio treat for you brought to us by beef and dairy archivist Alex Neon

Speaker 10 Alex Neon thank you for talking with me today Thanks very much for having me on.

Speaker 10 Now, I always love talking to you, Alex, because obviously your job is to rummage through the beef and dairy archive and find some little gems for us. And you always bring up something interesting.

Speaker 10 What is it that we've got this week, Alex?

Speaker 8 Well, this is so exciting because this is something I thought was completely lost to history. I never thought we'd get to hear this.

Speaker 8 But today I'm bringing you a landmark audio drama from 1985. There's a number of firsts today, a first in beef broadcasting and some firsts in broadcasting in general in this realm.

Speaker 8 It is the drama beef pie

Speaker 8 which was written by and starred roger westcott lemagrile now i'm sure many listeners will have heard of beef pie it it has kind of cult status most people know the basics it was commissioned i think by the british beef council and until now it was thought that it it had been lost to history yeah that's right so the important thing about this is that it was released on cassette only we are talking the absolute height of the walkmen here.

Speaker 8 And the British Beef Council wanted to capture that youth audience.

Speaker 8 So they thought the best thing they could do was to release something straight to cassette for youngsters to listen to while they were on the move.

Speaker 8 And the decision was that they would do an audio drama.

Speaker 10 Audio drama, of course, huge amongst teenagers in the 80s.

Speaker 8 Yeah, absolutely massive. And it was very much a promotional tool.
We all remember the egg marketing board releasing Crack It, which was

Speaker 8 a huge hit.

Speaker 8 And, you know, kids kids loved it and it did great business for them egg wise so the the british beef council wanted a slice of that and i guess they wanted a slice of of the fame of roger westcott lamagrile at that time well they they counted themselves very lucky to get hold of roger westcott lamagrile he was a incredibly respected actor shakespearean actor of course he was unexpectedly free in the mid 80s he'd spent the early 80s in jeffrey the talking van a sort of british adaptation of Knight Rider.

Speaker 8 It was that sort of era.

Speaker 10 He negotiated his contract so that he would have complete creative control over the project. Is that right?

Speaker 8 Yeah, that's right. The British Beef Council were more than happy to give that to him.
And so he took the money, a sizable budget for a radio drama of the era, and used it to make...

Speaker 8 what can only be described as quite a grotty horror.

Speaker 10 And is it fair to say then that the British Beef Council weren't necessarily pleased with what they got back once Roger had left the studio?

Speaker 8 They were furious for a number of reasons. First of all, that it was a horror in the first place.
They'd never expected that.

Speaker 8 And secondly, that he had used this project to write the very first audio drama sex scene.

Speaker 10 Now, that's why this, I mean, it's got that cult status, as I said. People talk about the rumoured sex scene.
So you can confirm that that is true. It's the first ever audio drama sex scene.

Speaker 10 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 8 I'm not aware of one before. Or that many since if i'm completely honest it's not something that caught on

Speaker 8 this is this was something that sir roger introduced and completely failed to turn into a uh a genre in and of itself partly because the beef council refused to distribute the cassette they first of all didn't think it would be a good tool for them from a promotional point of view secondly they weren't entirely sure where they stood legally on an audio audio recording of this nature.

Speaker 8 And so they worked swiftly to try and hide the fact that this ever happened.

Speaker 8 They would have liked this tape to never get out. They would have liked it to have been erased there and then.

Speaker 10 So how is it then, Alex, that we have copies of Beef Pie? Because of course, copies did circulate in the 80s. That's how it gained its cult status.
Where did those come from?

Speaker 8 Roger found himself in a bit of a fix. First of all, they didn't want to distribute his plate.
Secondly, the Beef Council wanted their money back.

Speaker 8 They felt that this was a breach of contract, that he had handed something in that was fundamentally undistributable.

Speaker 8 And Roger's plan was to take the audio, make his own copies at home, and try and sell them.

Speaker 8 in the back of magazines that was where things like this got distributed at the time uh the back of private eye and things like that you'd have seen those little adverts you know a couple of pounds take out an advert a short description of what it was and i think that mixture of horror and the first audio sex scene did mean that a couple of people sent their stamped address envelope and their postal order for a couple of pounds to Roger and were sent copies of the cassette.

Speaker 8 So we've always known that they were sent out. What we heard in most cases, people listened to it and threw it away in disgust.
This is why there's so few of them in circulation.

Speaker 8 It's why I thought I'd never get to hear it.

Speaker 8 I thought it was going to be like that

Speaker 8 computer game version of E.T., that it was just so awful, no one hung on to a copy. What actually happened was that some people hung onto it.

Speaker 8 It gained a kind of cult status amongst, frankly, deviants.

Speaker 8 And it's thanks to those absolute wronguns that I'm able to bring it to you today.

Speaker 10 Well, Alex, just again, a big thank you for doing this. You've come up with the goods once again.
And I have to say, I'm very excited to listen to this.

Speaker 8 It's very exciting.

Speaker 11 You know,

Speaker 8 what you're about to hear now is a real piece of beef history. And the thing to bear in mind, I think, as you approach it and,

Speaker 11 you know,

Speaker 8 as you get ready to hear something, which is, you know, really is a landmark drama is that,

Speaker 8 you know, above and beyond anything else, it is absolute dog shit.

Speaker 10 Well, thank you, Alex. I look forward to listening to it.
And let's listen to it together. And I'll catch up with you at the end.

Speaker 8 Speak to you later.

Speaker 12 Hello, and thank you for purchasing this Le Maigrule Media cassette.

Speaker 15 My legal advisor, John Wasabi, clever man, fabulous wife, tells me that I must warn you that the following drama contains extreme simulated violence, extreme simulated sexual content, and strong, continuous discussion of the dark beef arts.

Speaker 20 Those with weak hearts, heads, lungs, livers, or anuses are discouraged from listening further. But if you think you can handle it, be my guest.

Speaker 23 Oh, Christ.

Speaker 14 Nearly followed through.

Speaker 15 And don't forget, be kind, rewind.

Speaker 17 Good. And don't let me see you in this upscale Soho cocktail bar again.

Speaker 26 Throwing a girl out for snorting coke off a mirrored toilet seat, and you call yourself a classy establishment.

Speaker 25 Clear off!

Speaker 28 Brilliant.

Speaker 29 That's the end of my night, I suppose. Just when I convinced that bloat to buy me a chinzano and lime and lemonade and Pepsi.

Speaker 29 Oh well, might as well just go home and look up rude names in the yellow pages.

Speaker 30 Hello?

Speaker 26 Who's there?

Speaker 26 Oh, what's that smell?

Speaker 29 Sully feel hungry for some reason.

Speaker 30 Hello?

Speaker 31 Gary?

Speaker 26 Gary, is that you?

Speaker 27 Oof, you smell like dog food or something.

Speaker 26 You've be kissing that guy, Doug, again.

Speaker 32 Beef pie.

Speaker 16 An audio-immersive bovine horrorgasm on tape. A Le Magrile media production.

Speaker 33 Written by, directed by, and starring me, Roger Westcott LeMagrile.

Speaker 20 Also featuring the voices of others.

Speaker 28 When I first moved to the throbbing capital to attend London Bovine University, my grandmother warned me about a few things.

Speaker 28 She said never to get in a minicab I hadn't booked, never to drink the water south of Piccadilly, and never to go to Madame Two Swords because it's shit.

Speaker 28 But she could never have prepared me for the grotesque, clammy horrors that I encountered that dreadful October.

Speaker 28 My name is Adrienne Spouter, and this is what happened to me after my flatmate was smashed into a big wet pulp in a Soho alleyway.

Speaker 36 Hello, 14B Adrienne Spouter speaking. Oh, hello.

Speaker 36 Yes, I heard earlier this morning my flatmate, Tamzin, was pulped to death by an unknown assailant last night, the latest in a string of similar grisly murders.

Speaker 36 No, I don't know if she was out with anyone last night. No, I can't think of anyone who might have had any reason to want to pulp her.

Speaker 36 No, I don't think she would have been interested in changing her travel insurance provider. Well, I certainly don't think she would be now.
All right, goodbye.

Speaker 38 Bloody sales calls.

Speaker 39 Clive, I'm worried.

Speaker 40 You've got nothing to worry about, babe.

Speaker 22 I told you.

Speaker 36 Aside from the fact that several students attending our Bovine University have been killed in brutal attacks in the local area.

Speaker 39 Yes, but apart from that, what is there to worry about?

Speaker 28 He was fun company, kept himself clean and had nice long eyelashes. But it wasn't exactly what I'd imagined my first boyfriend would be like.

Speaker 4 Gosh.

Speaker 39 Boyfriend.

Speaker 44 Is that really how I thought of him then?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 28 Arm candy.

Speaker 45 Steady piece? Sex pig?

Speaker 35 No, gentleman friend. That'll do.

Speaker 47 We've just got to look out for ourselves and we'll be fine. It's like my father always says: before you cross the street to piss on someone who's on fire, remember, that's your piss you're wasting.

Speaker 36 Clive, I don't think I ever told you what happened to my parents, did I?

Speaker 22 Well, we've only been going out for a week.

Speaker 43 Well, can I tell you now?

Speaker 5 Um, no?

Speaker 4 Yes, sorry, yeah, sure.

Speaker 36 Well, if you're not bothered, forget forget it.

Speaker 22 No, no, I want to hear, really?

Speaker 4 No, no, it's nothing.

Speaker 46 All right, don't tell me then.

Speaker 36 But it's not just that, Clive!

Speaker 4 What else?

Speaker 51 It's the sex, Clive.

Speaker 36 I'm worried we're not doing it right.

Speaker 50 What?

Speaker 42 What makes you say that?

Speaker 36 Well, I'm not enjoying it very much.

Speaker 40 You're not supposed to. You're the girl.

Speaker 4 Still.

Speaker 40 Adrienne, love, I told you, I watched an instructional video before we started.

Speaker 38 We've been following the steps absolutely to the letter.

Speaker 3 Clive?

Speaker 38 Look, you've had a shock.

Speaker 48 Your flatmate's just been crushed into a paste.

Speaker 40 Your head's all over the place.

Speaker 48 What do you say we finish our espresso and kippers and then head over to lectures?

Speaker 36 Oh, well, I could certainly use a good kipper.

Speaker 22 That's my girl.

Speaker 28 Life at LBU was fun, though I still had no idea what I was going to specialise in. In fact, I had no idea what I was going to do with the rest of my life at all.

Speaker 43 Maybe I'd just end up marrying a middle-aged sports presenter and living off him, like all my school friends.

Speaker 28 But until I found my way, my history of cow art course let me dabble in all sorts of topics. Beef Arcana had quickly become one of my favourites.

Speaker 28 The strange, disputed and occult corners of beef studies. Not least because of the incredibly charismatic lecturer, Professor Bentley Pagus.

Speaker 20 To Iron Age Man, the cow was a symbol of death and milk.

Speaker 34 For in that sleep of death, what milk may come, matron?

Speaker 28 My God, he was charismatic and available for public speaking engagements at such short notice.

Speaker 21 And, as we know, as far back as there are records, there has existed a perfect balance in the relationship between cow and man.

Speaker 11 But there was, at such time, a perversity, a monstrous craft that disturbed that natural equilibrium.

Speaker 17 Of course, a man may slay his herd and feast on the beeves that issue forth.

Speaker 23 But what if this practice were inverted?

Speaker 14 And a man may by some secret right return life to that beef?

Speaker 17 And by the application of some complementary vegetables and seasoning, he may cause it to rise again in cursed unlife.

Speaker 15 This was the arcane practice of Bifomancy.

Speaker 4 Ah,

Speaker 39 that word,

Speaker 35 beefomancy.

Speaker 28 Just the sound of it sent a shiver down my spine.

Speaker 21 Fouler still, it was said that he who possessed the skull of the cow from which the beef was butchered could control the grotesque parody of Bovine Hood and bend its will to his own ends.

Speaker 3 But of course, this is all facile superstition and titty talk.

Speaker 17 Beef is dead, this we know, and there's no bringing it back, whatever means a man may turn to.

Speaker 20 That's the end.

Speaker 54 Off you go, youngsters.

Speaker 50 Professor Pagus.

Speaker 22 Ah, Miss Spigot, wasn't it?

Speaker 28 Spouter, yes.

Speaker 18 Adrienne. Yes, that's right.

Speaker 11 What can I do for you?

Speaker 41 Well, I was just thinking.

Speaker 28 You know, it was my flatmate, Tamsin, who was pasted last night.

Speaker 11 Oh, I am sorry.

Speaker 18 Yes, I had heard about the incident.

Speaker 58 Well, I was just wondering...

Speaker 36 The three-piece ElectroSynth Funk Group who discovered the body said they could smell some sort of delicious aroma in the air.

Speaker 35 Like Sunday lunch, they said.

Speaker 27 Are you...

Speaker 39 are you sure that all that talk about beefomancy really is just make-believe and cockwaffle?

Speaker 18 No, my dear, please do not let these tragic events drive you to desperate thoughts.

Speaker 19 My department is concerned with folklore, fairy tales, nothing more.

Speaker 36 Well, if you say so, thank you, Professor.

Speaker 16 Any time, young lady.

Speaker 18 Tell me, you and that promising young dairy financier, Grubb, have been courting, have you not?

Speaker 28 We've been seeing a lot of each other.

Speaker 20 Well, that does happen when you're knocking boots.

Speaker 20 Ah, I remember those days. Young love, nothing compares to it.
Not even a long, hot piss on a cool winter's night.

Speaker 14 Why don't the two of you come to my flat in Kensington for dinner tomorrow night?

Speaker 53 Yours are just the types of promising young minds I like to revel in, encourage, patronise, and perv over where I can.

Speaker 36 Oh, well, that would be lovely. Thank you, Professor.

Speaker 19 And take care, won't you?

Speaker 18 There's evidently a very dangerous individual in the area.

Speaker 42 Yes, Professor.

Speaker 28 I'll be as careful as I possibly can.

Speaker 60 What are we doing in this freezing cold park, babe? When you asked if I wanted to go undercover tonight, get really filthy and get into it right up to our elbows.

Speaker 30 This isn't what I had in mind. I know.

Speaker 36 I was being deliberately misleading.

Speaker 30 Oh, come on, baby.

Speaker 36 We're doing a stakeout, Clive. I got a map of London, marked the locations of all the recent murders, including poor Tamzin's.

Speaker 24 Then I did some stuff with a ruler and a red crayon and I think this park marks the epicenter I suspect that if we hang around long enough we might get a look at whoever this murdering bastard is maybe even catch him in the act no Adrienne we can't do this I can't be here why what do you mean listen baby my father's a very important man he's the director of the jersey milk board and in a role like that he can't afford any scandal when I left for my studies he only asked that I make him one promise: that I wouldn't get involved in any high-profile murder cases or Andrew Lloyd-Weber musicals.

Speaker 65 And it's not easy. The other week, I fell off my roller skates and almost got scouted for Starlight Express.

Speaker 37 Isn't Roger Westcott LeMagrile starring in that production?

Speaker 36 I hear he's excellent.

Speaker 65 Yes, he's a revelation on wheels, says the Times.

Speaker 66 But we can't just sit around and do nothing while our friends are being attacked and killed in the streets.

Speaker 48 Babe, let's just forget about it and start carrying guns or something.

Speaker 30 What was that? Never mind, nothing. Probably an urban shrew or whatever.

Speaker 67 It came from over there.

Speaker 30 Oh, God.

Speaker 30 What was that?

Speaker 32 Oh, tits!

Speaker 62 There was a huge, hulking figure in the shadows.

Speaker 57 It ran off.

Speaker 4 Oh, God.

Speaker 68 Danny Grobert.

Speaker 25 What about her?

Speaker 4 We're standing on her.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 41 It was her, all right.

Speaker 70 Danny Grobert, another student in our year.

Speaker 36 She used to live in the same building as as me.

Speaker 64 I say used to because although she still seemed to be just about conscious, she had been almost completely flattened.

Speaker 57 She looked like as if someone had spilled a big plate of stew on the ground and then put Danny Grobert's head in it.

Speaker 37 Adrienne?

Speaker 4 Danny, hang in there.

Speaker 57 You're going to be all right.

Speaker 48 I don't think so, Adrienne. She's absolutely fucked.

Speaker 67 Shush!

Speaker 4 It was.

Speaker 71 It was so tall.

Speaker 4 Huge.

Speaker 51 Who was it?

Speaker 4 Come on, Danny. And it smelled delicious.

Speaker 49 Fucking I love talk about milking it.

Speaker 51 Guys, please, Danny!

Speaker 71 Danny!

Speaker 45 No, this is it.

Speaker 71 This is it.

Speaker 48 Great, finally.

Speaker 71 Tony?

Speaker 57 She's gone.

Speaker 17 Oh, great.

Speaker 24 The Jersey Evening Post is going to have a field day with this.

Speaker 71 So,

Speaker 26 this is why I got dragged back to the department in the middle of the night. You two first years decided to go off playing detective.

Speaker 39 Dr.

Speaker 43 Marta Baumgartner, head of the History of Cow Art Department, and a real tough old bratwurst.

Speaker 52 She was from Germany, or Romania or Switzerland.

Speaker 28 Somewhere like that. The coppers dragged us in to talk to her and she was leaning on us as hard as she was leaning on her antique cow-shaped mahogany desk.

Speaker 26 What happened to your brains? Hmm? Did you accidentally eat them and then shit them down a pipe?

Speaker 24 I just want to put myself out there straight away and say that it was all Adrienne's idea.

Speaker 41 Dr.

Speaker 42 Baumgartner, people are being killed.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 26 That's why I was safe in my bed with a glass of dry, dry Chardonnay and a filthy book about Randy Pirates, not sitting in a bush in the darkness wearing an iHeart Getting Murdered t-shirt.

Speaker 26 The police are investigating this already. Why are you putting yourself in harm's way?

Speaker 63 Doctor, with all due respect, I don't feel like the police are taking these crimes seriously.

Speaker 26 Now, how can you say that when Scotland Yard have put their best investigator on the case? Who sits just over there? DCI Barry Plodd?

Speaker 21 It'll just be students mucking about.

Speaker 30 Brown to be...

Speaker 3 Probably out.

Speaker 17 Pissed up from stiffing glue.

Speaker 21 Decided to have a go at pulping each other.

Speaker 33 Seen it a hundred times.

Speaker 11 Bloody students.

Speaker 21 I say pulp the rest of them, too.

Speaker 11 Sorry, trapped gas. Are there any biscuits?

Speaker 71 See?

Speaker 26 Now, Adrienne, you're a very promising young student. Forget about all this and focus on your frivolous arts degree.

Speaker 58 But, Doctor, I can't forget it. Because...

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 36 It's because...

Speaker 14 What is it, Adrienne?

Speaker 51 Well, it's because...

Speaker 68 19 years ago, to the day, my parents were pulped too.

Speaker 4 My God!

Speaker 46 Whoa, Adrienne, you never mentioned this!

Speaker 68 I tried to several times, but you really didn't seem to be interested.

Speaker 38 Babe, interested in what?

Speaker 4 Oh, for God's sake.

Speaker 26 So, you are in earnest.

Speaker 65 Your parents...

Speaker 26 They must have been the couple found completely smashed to bits in Russell Square. All over the paving slabs like a casserole shat from the heavens.

Speaker 58 That was them.

Speaker 64 They were students themselves then.

Speaker 37 Just a couple of crazy kids in the swinging London 60s who one second were celebrating the arrival of their unplanned but not totally unwelcome baby daughter.

Speaker 57 Then the next was spread across 20 feet of London paving.

Speaker 29 That was before my time, but of course I heard the stories.

Speaker 26 But you don't think that pulping and this could be connected, surely?

Speaker 4 I don't know what I think anymore.

Speaker 57 I've started to have such terrible thoughts.

Speaker 27 Doctor, are you familiar with

Speaker 50 Bifomancy?

Speaker 56 Oh, Adrienne, you're hysterical, you mad old fish.

Speaker 9 Did you say Bifomancy?

Speaker 51 I know, it's crazy talk, but I don't know how else to explain that huge hulking creature I saw and that delicious smell, like a hot, freshly baked beef pie.

Speaker 42 You be careful, Adrienne.

Speaker 26 You're talking about very powerful powerful forces, very dark areas of the bovine arts that the visor amongst us tried to avoid at all costs, like the cowpat on the poorly lit country lane.

Speaker 59 Are you saying it's true?

Speaker 29 I said nothing.

Speaker 26 Go home. DCI plod.

Speaker 26 These are merely some wavered, inquisitive youngsters. Do you think we might simply forget this incident?

Speaker 54 I certainly intend to. Cheerio.

Speaker 11 Oh, mind you, Max?

Speaker 25 Or excuse me?

Speaker 19 Or, or nearly followed through.

Speaker 28 The flat seemed so empty without Tamsin drinking vodka and trying to chat up her poster of Prince Andrew all night.

Speaker 72 I couldn't go back alone, so I insisted that Clive stay the night.

Speaker 28 He didn't need much convincing.

Speaker 48 Well, darling, I don't know about you, but I am glad to be as far away from that murder scene as possible, although I've still got quite a lot of Danny Grober on my shoes and face and hair.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 41 It's been so frightening and worrying and extremely disgusting.

Speaker 4 But.

Speaker 32 But?

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 48 all this excitement, it's also a little bit exciting, don't you think?

Speaker 49 Yes.

Speaker 49 Do you, uh,

Speaker 48 do you want to?

Speaker 28 Oh, yes.

Speaker 65 Oh, God, yes.

Speaker 74 Oh, but let's take it slowly.

Speaker 48 Don't worry, babe. Nice and gentle, just like the instructional video said.

Speaker 48 Clive?

Speaker 48 Yes, baby. Oh, yes.

Speaker 48 Clive!

Speaker 38 What? What is it? Is everything okay?

Speaker 62 Well, not really.

Speaker 2 This still isn't working.

Speaker 40 Darling, I'm trying my best.

Speaker 58 I know, but it just doesn't seem right.

Speaker 22 What about it?

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 72 just...

Speaker 64 you covering your dick in yogas and slamming it in a dresser drawer while I fire chestnuts at your ass with a slingshot.

Speaker 58 That can't be how it's meant to go.

Speaker 24 Babe, I'm telling you, that's exactly what the instructional video said.

Speaker 42 Really?

Speaker 36 Can I see this instructional video?

Speaker 40 No, I told you.

Speaker 56 I lost it in a card game to a sailor.

Speaker 25 Right. Yeah,

Speaker 56 can I keep going or?

Speaker 51 Fine, you carry on.

Speaker 41 I'm going to sleep.

Speaker 48 Cheers, babe. Won't be long.

Speaker 35 It didn't matter.

Speaker 28 I couldn't concentrate on aiming those chestnuts very well anyway.

Speaker 42 All I could think about was poor Danny Grobert

Speaker 36 and the intoxicating smell of beef pie.

Speaker 44 Oh!

Speaker 44 Auntie Jane!

Speaker 28 I had about as much luck getting to sleep as I did getting my rocks off, and the next day was a total blur.

Speaker 28 The only thing that kept me from losing my mind was the prospect of dinner at Professor Pegas' flat, and the hope that it might bring stimulating conversation, and perhaps some answers.

Speaker 54 It's a terrible situation to get into, so I said to him, look, if it doesn't taste of nutmeg, it's not a real da Vinci, is it?

Speaker 3 Another drop of Ardeton Bay, you two?

Speaker 42 I'm fine for now, thank you, Professor Pegas.

Speaker 56 Keep it coming, Prof.

Speaker 20 Yeah, boy.

Speaker 76 I always say nobody makes a fizzy beef wine like the Cornish.

Speaker 17 Well, I must say it has been a great joy to converse with you two, to discuss Rembrandt's Frisian period with you, Adrienne, and with you, Clive, the work of Charles Bronson.

Speaker 3 Deathwish 2.

Speaker 56 Lethal mate. Professor, where's your bog? I've got a Deathwish number 2 brewing of my own, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 14 Oh, Clive. Charming.

Speaker 34 End of the hall.

Speaker 38 Cheers, Prof.

Speaker 48 Back in a moment, babe.

Speaker 19 Alone at last, eh?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 3 I wanted to ask.

Speaker 53 My colleague, Dr.

Speaker 11 Baumgartner, tells me that you've been sticking your nose in where noses ought not to tread.

Speaker 19 Is that so?

Speaker 63 Oh, Professor, it's just these nighttime flattenings.

Speaker 4 They're troubling me.

Speaker 11 Well, that's understandable. I heard about your parents.

Speaker 45 That's right.

Speaker 64 They were complete write-offs, as I understand it.

Speaker 18 Yes, absolute goulash, so I heard.

Speaker 12 You know,

Speaker 3 I knew them.

Speaker 72 You did?

Speaker 27 Professor Pagus, you really knew my parents back then.

Speaker 11 Yes, indeed. Of course, I was still young then, just starting out in my career.

Speaker 23 Your mother was the counter girl in a sandwich bar down the street, and your father was a flash twat with a fancy car.

Speaker 4 Gosh, you really knew them? Yes.

Speaker 10 It really is remarkable, my dear, how much you look like your mother.

Speaker 59 Professor, you're drooling.

Speaker 34 Forgive me, I have an overactive gland. But where are my manners, Adrienne?

Speaker 20 Can I offer you anything more to eat?

Speaker 11 There's plenty of carrots left.

Speaker 37 No, thank you, Professor, really.

Speaker 39 But could I ask?

Speaker 64 I hope you won't think I'm tripping balls here.

Speaker 18 Please, my dear, anything you like.

Speaker 19 Some grilled onions?

Speaker 4 No, no, thank you.

Speaker 36 But what would a person need if they were to attempt beefomancy for real?

Speaker 11 Oh, my dear, but that's all nonsense and chuff burble, as I said.

Speaker 75 A little short crust pastry?

Speaker 64 No, thank you.

Speaker 41 Still, please, Professor, I need to understand.

Speaker 11 Well, my dear, according to the ancient texts, along with the profane incantations and the raw beef material, the rite required several ingredients.

Speaker 75 Carrots, onions, short crust pastry, and, of course, the cow's skull.

Speaker 3 Cow skull?

Speaker 39 No, I'm fine for.

Speaker 70 Hang on a minute.

Speaker 25 Before Atum, Bifor Meritus, Bovus Raum, Before Autumn, Befitum.

Speaker 62 Why are you putting the cow skull on your head?

Speaker 11 Are you sure you don't want seconds?

Speaker 4 You wouldn't like any more beef pie?

Speaker 25 God, no!

Speaker 53 Yes, it was I all along, Professor Bentley Pagus, the Beefomancer General, tremble, mere mortals, before my command of the dark powers of beef.

Speaker 3 No, no,

Speaker 3 Professor, say it isn't true.

Speaker 4 I cannot, for true it be.

Speaker 17 I am the nutty genius who has invoked the might of the oxen-headed Yokai and the cow goddess Hathor pissed in the eye of Christ and returned life to beef

Speaker 24 gotta say prof, your flush is a little weak but I managed to tap it down with a copy of the Radio Times.

Speaker 50 Oh, what's happening?

Speaker 4 It was you who killed my parents, wasn't it? Whoa, babe!

Speaker 61 I've never even met them!

Speaker 62 Not you, Professor Pagus, you idiots!

Speaker 4 Oh, him?

Speaker 3 Uh, yeah, I can see that.

Speaker 53 Yes, your mother denied me Rumpo and went off with someone better looking with a nicer car.

Speaker 38 So I went insane and killed them both with dark magic.

Speaker 28 Ah, men.

Speaker 22 Whoa, babe.

Speaker 4 Not all men.

Speaker 17 And now, 19 years later, I've summoned up my sinewy servant once more to kill you two.

Speaker 53 Unless

Speaker 14 you fancy a quick...

Speaker 14 Oh, no!

Speaker 53 Then tremble before the terrible majesty of my mince beast, my beautiful beef pie!

Speaker 64 Oh God, what the shit is that?

Speaker 35 I couldn't believe what was right in front of my eyes.

Speaker 42 A humanoid tower of minced beef and onion, also carrots, encased in shortcross pastry.

Speaker 36 It thrashed its lump and pie limbs around, cursed with an insatiable hunger for violence.

Speaker 36 As it thundered towards Clive, arm raised for pulping, I could see rivers of piping hot gravy streaming from its pores.

Speaker 69 And I wondered, Mum,

Speaker 57 Dad,

Speaker 73 is this how you left this world?

Speaker 3 Destroy them, beef pie!

Speaker 55 Clive, look out!

Speaker 46 Oh, go away!

Speaker 32 You're gross!

Speaker 32 Clive!

Speaker 32 You look like a bottle of birth bourguignon! Oh, that's all.

Speaker 32 Babe,

Speaker 32 please.

Speaker 4 Don't tell my dad.

Speaker 32 I auditioned for cats.

Speaker 54 Oh, nearly followed through.

Speaker 28 Nowhere was safe.

Speaker 36 I knew Pegas and his horrible beef pie would come for me if I went back to my flat or to Clive's place.

Speaker 59 Oh, Clive, Clive was dead.

Speaker 58 And I had expected to feel more devastated about that, but you know, either way, it's a shame.

Speaker 72 So who else could I turn to?

Speaker 51 Except...

Speaker 72 Miss Spouter, Gottenhim.

Speaker 26 At this rate, I'll never finish the latest in my favorite erotic pirate novel series, Sails and Silk 5. All hands to the poop deck.

Speaker 57 Oh, Dr.

Speaker 66 Baumgartner, it's Professor Pagas. He's the beef-romancer.
He's made a huge meat monster called Beef Pie that does his bidding, and he used it to kill my parents 19 years ago.

Speaker 66 And then more recently, recently, he got it to pulverize all those students, and then an hour and 12 minutes ago, he got it to kill Clive.

Speaker 29 Yes, I thought it might be something like that.

Speaker 66 What are we going to do?

Speaker 26 Pull yourself together, girl.

Speaker 26 I have long suspected that Bentley's interest in beef-womancy was more than just academic, but until now, it has been just that.

Speaker 26 Suspicion.

Speaker 65 But you are in earnest?

Speaker 26 You are not making Mitz-shitting me off?

Speaker 58 No, I swear it's all true.

Speaker 9 Pegas.

Speaker 58 But why?

Speaker 66 Why is he doing this? Can he really be out for revenge on the world just because my hot mother spurned his affections?

Speaker 26 Oh, my child. When one allows the heart to guide one's actions instead of the head, the heart can go absolutely cat piss bonkers.

Speaker 58 I suppose you're right.

Speaker 26 Come, the time for weeping for Clive will come later.

Speaker 58 Honestly, I still feel fine. Weird.

Speaker 36 I'm actually starting to think that maybe he was a bit of a dick.

Speaker 26 But for now, we have a Bifomancer to thwart.

Speaker 58 How can we possibly hope to stand up to that hellish, disgusting thing?

Speaker 51 And his beef monster?

Speaker 20 Do not worry, child.

Speaker 26 Professor Pagas is not the only one who has done his beef arcana homework. I too have studied the ancient texts, and I know exactly how to ruin a beef pie.

Speaker 28 All of a sudden, I was back there.

Speaker 42 A place I never thought I'd ever dare return.

Speaker 36 Professor Pegas's accursed, if tastefully decorated Kensington Flat.

Speaker 64 I tiptoed trembling down the hallway behind Dr.

Speaker 44 Baumgartner as she led us into the belly of the beef.

Speaker 52 I kept seeing movement out of the corner of my eye.

Speaker 63 At every tiny sound my heart thundered in my chest.

Speaker 72 And all around, that seductive smell of beef, onions,

Speaker 52 and delicate shortcrust pastry.

Speaker 6 Professor Pegas, it's Martha.

Speaker 26 I'm just here to return that book on the Babylonian cattle mosaics you lent me, and I thought we could have a little talk about your extracurricular activities,

Speaker 3 Doctor!

Speaker 27 Stay calm, child.

Speaker 26 This is no time to make the kittens all over the place.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 26 Oh, God!

Speaker 73 Professor Pegas!

Speaker 18 Hello, Marty.

Speaker 8 So good of you to pop by.

Speaker 42 Hello, Bentley.

Speaker 26 I think someone has been a bit of a naughty academic.

Speaker 55 Perhaps.

Speaker 17 But can you blame me?

Speaker 11 After all, love makes fools of us all, does it not?

Speaker 26 That's no excuse for taking lives. Human lives.
Student lives, admittedly, but lives nonetheless.

Speaker 64 Dr. Baumgartner, be careful.

Speaker 62 That delicious smell, it's getting stronger.

Speaker 18 It's supper time, time, Doctor.

Speaker 3 I hope you're hungry.

Speaker 53 I've made an absolutely enormous beef pie.

Speaker 67 No, it is. No, get it away.

Speaker 26 Hold it right there.

Speaker 21 What are you doing?

Speaker 26 You want to know how to ruin a perfectly good beef pie, Professor? Pair it with an aggressively dry Chardonnay.

Speaker 2 Ha!

Speaker 61 As the bitter supermarket plant coated beef pie's shortcrust skin, it screamed and recoiled as if it had been doused in acid.

Speaker 21 No, my creature, my beautiful beefy boy, I'll pulp you myself, you Teutonic tart!

Speaker 69 Professor Pagus wrestled Dr. Baumgartner to the ground.

Speaker 45 It slightly turned me on, and that's a whole other worrying situation that I'll have to unpack later.

Speaker 41 But there was no time.

Speaker 73 It looked like the beef pie was recovering from the wine attack.

Speaker 64 There had to be some way to stop it.

Speaker 4 And then

Speaker 52 something came back to me from Professor Pagas' lecture.

Speaker 20 If you do it standing up, it's impossible to get pregnant.

Speaker 19 No, not that.

Speaker 14 It was said that he who possessed the skull of the cow from which the beef was butchered could control the grotesque parody of Bovine Hood and bend its will to his own ends.

Speaker 74 That was it.

Speaker 63 The skull.

Speaker 57 The skull which was now teetering around on top of Professor Pagas' head!

Speaker 69 I had to destroy it, but I couldn't get any closer.

Speaker 62 Not with that savory monstrosity in the way!

Speaker 69 And then I suddenly remembered.

Speaker 45 Clive and I had planned to spend the night at his place, and he'd made it clear that it was up to me to bring my own slingshot and my own chestnuts.

Speaker 66 Oh, Professor Pagas!

Speaker 55 Yes?

Speaker 36 It's time to break up for the year!

Speaker 45 The faithful chestnut chestnut soared clear across the hallway and found its target dead on, shattering the cow skull into a thousand fragments.

Speaker 3 No!

Speaker 57 Thank you, Clive.

Speaker 62 Maybe our time together hasn't been a completely underwhelming waste of time after all.

Speaker 65 Zegolem!

Speaker 6 It is freed from its master's control!

Speaker 55 My creation, my tasty little baby!

Speaker 54 You remember your daddy, don't you?

Speaker 51 Beef Pie's crusty head tilted to the side for a moment, casting off a few flakes of delicious buttery pastry.

Speaker 36 It looked as if it remembered its creator and felt affection for him.

Speaker 44 Maybe even love.

Speaker 35 But then it didn't.

Speaker 4 Oh, bugger.

Speaker 68 Quick, let's get out of here.

Speaker 38 No, child.

Speaker 26 See, is its creator dead? The black magics that keep the beast upright are fading.

Speaker 71 Oh,

Speaker 6 rest, poor meaty abomination.

Speaker 26 Return to the beef from which you were birthed.

Speaker 8 Be at peace.

Speaker 3 Is it over?

Speaker 6 Yes, my child.

Speaker 26 The cost has been great, but the beef romancer has been thwarted, and we must no longer fear the rage of the beef pie.

Speaker 57 Oh, thank God.

Speaker 51 Mother, father, at long last you have been avenged.

Speaker 74 Perhaps now your spirits can rest easy.

Speaker 4 Dr. Baumgartner?

Speaker 26 Yes, my child.

Speaker 39 I've never felt a calling in my life.

Speaker 41 I've never known where I was meant to be.

Speaker 69 But now, now that I've seen the horrors of Bifomancy firsthand, I know that it is my destiny to seek it out, wherever it may rear its ugly head and stamp it out like a frenzied meat tenderizer.

Speaker 26 Yes, my child, and I will help you.

Speaker 26 Together, with your strength and bravery, and my knowledge of the ancient texts, we will hunt down those practitioners of the dark beef arts in a series of exciting sequel adventures that could continue indefinitely and also be readily adapted to the big screen.

Speaker 51 Yes.

Speaker 36 And even though Professor Pagas is dead, there's no reason that our future adversaries should not have voices that sound fairly similar to his.

Speaker 21 No reason at all.

Speaker 26 Now, child, fetch some knives and forks. It will be a shame to let this delicious pie go to waste.

Speaker 36 It does smell bloody amazing, actually.

Speaker 13 Mmm, beef pie.

Speaker 14 That's right.

Speaker 12 The British Beef Council says always eat up your beef pie.

Speaker 11 Night night out there.

Speaker 12 Beef dreams.

Speaker 67 Beef pie

Speaker 33 was written by, directed by, and starred Roger Wescott Lemagrele as Professor Bentley Pagus. It also starred Trudy Moody as Adrienne Spouter, Anya von Bofmeister as Dr.

Speaker 16 Marta Baumgartner, William B.

Speaker 33 Peppercorn as Clive Grubb, Christopher Lee, but not that one, as D.I.

Speaker 33 Barry Plodd, Lydia Massbinder as Danny Groebert, Ashley Ape as Tamzin, produced thanks to a generous funding grant from the British Beef Council.

Speaker 10 Okay, so that, yep, that's beef pie.

Speaker 10 You weren't lying, were you, when you said it was a complete dog show?

Speaker 10 That was terrible.

Speaker 8 Yeah, it really is appalling.

Speaker 10 I should say, I have been in contact with Roger before this to see if he wanted to come on the show and talk about it.

Speaker 10 He's currently in what he described as an all-female production of Miss Saigon, so wasn't able to do the interview.

Speaker 10 But he did say that he was pleased that we were playing it and that he is launching a Kickstarter to raise money to make Beef Pie 2 a sequel.

Speaker 10 And he was very keen that I should provide a link to that and suggest that people might want to donate to it. I do actually think, having heard that, that I can't do that in good conscience.

Speaker 8 Beef Pie 2 has been a long time coming. As early as 1986, a script for Beef Pie 2 was doing the rounds.

Speaker 8 He advertised, when it became clear that no one was going to invest in it, he advertised it in the back of magazines as a script that you could be sent.

Speaker 8 Then in the 90s, he actually paid a few young developers to release Beef Pie 2, the CD-ROM, which was a very simple point-and-click adventure.

Speaker 8 Unfortunately, none of the cast would come back to help with the CD-ROM. And so he did all the voices himself, which only added to the very uneasy feel of the whole thing.

Speaker 8 And then throughout for the last 40 years, Beef Pie 2 has been in a constant in Roger's life, an obsession, really.

Speaker 8 He set up Twitter accounts as all the characters from it in an attempt to try and get a bit of world building. And there was a Beef Pie 2 section in Second Life.

Speaker 8 I'm really pleased that Roger doesn't know about AI yet.

Speaker 8 Because were he to ever find out, I think we God knows what we'd be subjected to so my understanding is the family are all working quite hard to not let him know what AI is now capable of yes well I'm I'm going to say this to you but I'm also saying this really to all the listeners listening today let's work hard together to stop beef pie 2 ever happening I think we can all agree with that yeah and my understanding is that Rogers MP is looking into introducing some sort of primary legislation well thank you Alex Neon it was a shame in a way we had to listen to that but also as you say a piece of beef broadcasting history

Speaker 10 and something

Speaker 10 we can be proud to say that here at the Beef and Dairy Network, we were the ones who got the exclusive. So thank you, Alex.

Speaker 8 It's no problem at all.

Speaker 8 I'm pleased to get it out of my house, if anything.

Speaker 10 A big thanks to Alex Neon for all the tireless work he does as the beef and dairy archivist. And a huge apology to all of you who just listened to Beef Pie.

Speaker 10 Anyway, that's all we've got time for this month.

Speaker 10 But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we see how much tech pioneer Bill Gates knows about gates.

Speaker 10 So, until next time, beef out.

Speaker 10 Thanks to Tom Crowley, Anna Leong Brophy, Jimmy Arrowsmith, Sammy Dobson, Gareth Quinn, and Cody Dahla. And as with last year's Halloween episode, this was an episode not written by me.

Speaker 10 It was written, well, I had a tiny bit of input, but it was mainly written by Tom Crowley.

Speaker 10 I think he's done brilliant work, and I just want to say thank you, Tom, for that.

Speaker 10 If you're interested in Tom's work, which you absolutely should be, then check out his podcast, which is called Crowley Time, which is C-R-O-W-L-E-Y

Speaker 10 time

Speaker 10 crowd time check it out oh also another thing you might want to check out is a short film that i made last year it's gone up on youtube this week it's called daddy superior if you go on youtube and search for daddy superior or benjamin partridge daddy superior you'll find that it's a 15 minute film i really enjoyed making that with incredible cast mike kozniak chris cantrill sammy dobson and amy gladhill all of those people have been on beef and dairy over the years so if you fancy checking that out i I would be grateful.

Speaker 10 I think you'd enjoy yourself. All right, goodbye.

Speaker 77 Hi, I'm Travis McElroy. I'm here with Maria, and we're excited because as a member of the month, Maria, thank you so much for being a listener and a supporter of the show.
Hi.

Speaker 77 How did you find out about the shows?

Speaker 78 When my daughter was in high school, we kind of connected over Taz. She introduced me to Schmanners and Sawbones.

Speaker 77 What made you decide to become a Max Fund member?

Speaker 78 I kind of decided that with the economy being so difficult, it was worth me giving up my Starbucks to join in with you guys.

Speaker 77 Well, Maria, I owe you a cup of coffee then. At some point, I'll get a cup of coffee into your hands to pay you back.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 77 Maria, again, thank you so much for your support.

Speaker 78 Thank you very, very much for your time and getting a chance to be the member of the month.

Speaker 78 My daughter was shocked when she found out about it, so I can't wait for her to actually maybe catch a little bit of this. I can rub it in her face a a little bit.

Speaker 77 That's what we do it for. Thank you and thanks to everybody for your support.
Maria, have a great month.

Speaker 78 You have an amazing month as well.

Speaker 29 Become a MaxFun member now at maximumfun.org slash join.

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Speaker 9 Do you like books about various shades of gray?

Speaker 31 Maybe 50 of them?

Speaker 31 Or books about winged men searching for soulmates?

Speaker 79 Is your e-reader full of stories that would pair well with Berry White in the background?

Speaker 31 We're Brea and Mallory of Reading Glasses, and we have a brand new show for people who crave reads with just a dash of sriracha sauce.

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