Nikki Glaser | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Do you know who I could be dating right now?

Oh my God.

I could really, I could do well.

Who?

I think I know who you're thinking Listen, I've thought about it too Hi! Honey, I'm home It's so good to see you Hi Good show You look great it's been too long. It has been.

It's probably right here, right?

I think it was.

The last time in person.

Hi.

What's going on?

You know.

I don't know.

That's why you're here.

What's been going on?

Just busy?

I've certainly seen you.

You know, I saw your Tom Brady roast, which you killed it.

Thank you so much for referencing it on your show.

That was so nice.

I did?

You did.

It was a great moment. I got so many texts about it, and then I watched it myself.
Well, I mean. It was nice.
There was a lot of heavy. You, like, stopped down to say nice things after you told the joke.
It was so cool. There was a lot of heavy comedy hitters there, and you wound up the star of it that that's a that's a good moment in your career yeah it was the moment like i'm kind of at the point where i'm like if nothing like that ever happens again um that's okay because it was so big and um and it was just a culmination of you just get really lucky sometimes where hard work and preparation and chance come together.
And that was that moment. It was just perfect.
You're like tan. I'm so tan.
I got a spray tan on top of a spray tan. Why? Because it makes me feel lovable.
Are you going to parties tonight? Yeah, I'm going, like Emmys parties. I was nominated for an Emmy that I didn't win last week at the Creative Arts Emmys.
I was not going to go to the WME wave. You want to go? I'll go with you.
Really? Yeah, let's go to the party together. Is it tonight? Yeah.
I'll drop by that one. Where are we going to go? Because I have to go to three other ones.
Oh my, why do you have to go? Because I RSVP'd and I want to get pictures and that's just part of all this stuff. You play that game, right.
I paid, you know, $1,500 for a stylist. What? And then $800 for hair and makeup.
$200 for a spray tan. You got to, and I'm not making money off these parties.
I got to go get those pictures. It's how you prove to people you're doing stuff.
That's how people know. I mean, you get it.
It's how people know that you're, where people go, you're doing so well. And I go, based on what? And they go, just Instagram? And I go, yeah, that's a, it's kind of a lie.
Like, I'll even look at my own Instagram sometimes and be like, she has it all. Well.
I really will and be like, wow, she's killing it. And I go, man, I got to remember that this is, when I think that of other people, it's not the case, which we all know.
Instagram is a lie. I mean, that's the whole point of Instagram is leading a virtual life.
And look, I'm talking out of my ass here because do I do anything with it? No. But I certainly know enough about the culture and people on it and what people do to know that, and of course going by my own bits.
Bits have to be true, don't they? You couldn't say anything. But I know I've done bits about that.
You know, that the virtual world to a certain group of people, the younger set, is just much more important than the real world. Oh, yeah.
And it's much more important to look like you're having a good time than to actually having a good time, which someone in my generation finds insane. Yeah.
And I'm somewhere in between those two generations. Yeah, you are.
Right. I'll feel it sometimes where I'm like, I'm having a genuinely good time and it's so glad that I don't have to document this.
And then you think later on, you go, why didn't I? I need to tell tell like that was a waste of a good time because it wasn't documented like i have that regret sometimes i mean that goes back to madonna filming herself in truth or dare which is when she was with warren beaty we're talking about 1991 and warren beaty in that famous scene he's still in it for a minute but he has the great line like, why do anything if it's not on camera? Yeah. I mean, and that was a long time ago, but that just shows that mentality is not new.
Yeah. It's just been brought to everyone.
And no wonder you kids are fucked up. No, I know.
It's so fucked. And I read something ages ago about it, and I found this really interesting, is that people are fucked up.
No, I know it's so fucked and it's, and I was, I read something ages ago about it. And I found this really interesting is that people are so depressed about their lives because we're on the same platform.
Like a person who's, you know, a housewife in the Midwest is seeing her little square on Instagram pop up on the same device that Kendall Jenner's is or Kim Kardashian or whatever. So you don't think of them as like, they're famous.
I shouldn't compare myself. They're right next to me on this.
So it's like, they're my neighbor. Like we should compare ourselves to the people in our same, in our neighborhood, like keeping up with the Joneses, but we're not, we're trying to, you compare yourself to the next square you see, which is some, you know, billionaire.
So does that mean that you want to have the same number of followers as the Kardashians? That would be a success? No, I don't, I'm really happy with how I am now. Like I'm really not looking to get any more famous.
Like, of course I'll take it because I want money because I want to survive in the apocalypse and have like to be, or whatever happens, I want to be able to protect my family, friends. I want anyone in my family or loved one to get cancer and go i'll take care of it don't worry about anything i'm gonna get the best treatment that's what i'm stockpiling money for that's what i want fame for um because the pressure is not that fun like to get more and more followers and not be able to go out and get recognized that's not that great money is good uh when're sick.
I mean, that is true. It makes a difference.
But also fame. Oh, yeah.
Doctors definitely. Try harder.
You definitely want doctors who are fans. Yes.
And not ones who are, certainly you wouldn't want one who wasn't a fan. Yeah.
Or even indifferent, I feel is like's like, you know what? I can find a doctor. Yes.
Who can look up my ass and loves me already. Yes.
And I just feel like it's like any place, like a restaurant, like anywhere. It's just going to be, why wouldn't you? It's not a dumb pursuit to want to be famous.
I think it's, we all ascribe so much. You're so vapid if you want to be famous, but it makes sense.

You're more protected in society.

You're treated better.

It's great.

What kid of almost any age doesn't want to be famous?

A lot.

And when you were growing up and you had dreams of this, did all of your friends have dreams of this too?

Because mine didn't.

Mine were like, that's not my life.

And I go, why would you not want to be famous?

Yeah, but that's because I think the other kids, I mean, you probably recognize in yourself, even when you're a kid, what your talents are. Some kids think they're going to be world-class athletes.
Yeah. Very few of them do, but some do.
I was funny, you know, I was like, I always knew I was going to do this. So this comes with fame if you do it well enough.
Other people's dreams don't come with fame. So why would you fantasize about it? Because you're not going to be like a famous anthropologist unless you're like the greatest one in the world.
I can name a few. I wanted to be like a marine was like, or work with animals in some way, but I was like, you can't be famous that way.
So, and I wasn't good at acting or singing. So you wanted the fame first.
I think I just wanted to be on TV. I think ultimately I was always attracted to comedy and those are the people that I wanted to be, but I just didn't really know about standup comedy.
Well, you're lucky, Nikki, because that is ass-backwards.

You're supposed to, like, want to do the work. And then, you know, get up there and go, the fame is just a byproduct.
I wish it didn't happen at all. But it's the work, which is bullshit.
It's bullshit. Right.
There's no shame in liking fame. As long as it's from something and at least part of you feels that, no, I'm glad it came from the work and it's about the work first.
So, you know, you're lucky that you actually were funny because to just want to be famous, a lot of people do, but they got nothing. I had nothing.
They got nothing. No, you have something.
No, I had nothing. Everyone has nothing to start.
No, but I literally, like, I knew from a very early age I want to be on TV, and I tried to act in high school and tried to go away. And, like, you know, I auditioned for all these theater schools, didn't get in any of them.
Like, getting feedback, like, you're not good at this. But I wasn't passionate about it.
Like, I didn't realize what it takes to be a good actor because you have to, like, like doing it. I didn't like doing it.
I just wanted to perform. Still want to be an actor? No.
Right. No, to be honest with you.
I mean, I'll do it if it's fun and it's people I want to work with and it's, like, a quick shoot and it's not long, lonely days in Vancouver. Yeah, you know what would be good for you? Like, yeah, they do ones with a big cast and it's a murder mystery.
Yes. Bring me on for a day or two.
Probably a little more than that. Sure.
Be one of the people who could have killed the motherfucker who's dead. Yes.
And let Daniel Craig figure it out. I want to do...
Whoever is the dude. I love the Kenneth Bran, you know, I love the Kenneth Branagh, Hercule Perot movies that he does.
Uh-uh. I don't know anything about those.
What? I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
Hercule Perot? You know who that is? Don't talk to me like I'm the hawk to a girl. Okay? I don't think most people...
I'm not that young, but I've never heard that reference. He's a very famous literary detective.

Okay.

You know, her kids.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.

Murder on the Orient Express.

Yes.

Death on the Nile.

They made these movies in the 70s.

Now he's remaking them.

Okay.

It's great because you can bring on 18 people, you know.

It's like, I'm telling you, you'd be really good at that.

Okay, that's what I'll do.

Because, yeah, I just don't, it just seems like a lonely life to be an actor. I don't like memorizing lines.
I can do it. I get nervous around really good actors.
I, you know, what I want to do is like a rom-com. I love rom-coms and I, yeah, I mean that takes more devotion, but you'd be great.
I'd like to do it. I would devote myself to that.
Well, first of all, you could just, and you should, because come on, who's getting who, it's just better to build it around your personality as it already is. Yes, it would just be me.
You don't need to. That's what I'm saying.
Just like, I'm sorry, Jennifer Anson's Jennifer Anson in every movie. But she's brilliant.
Almost everybody is. Almost everyone is.
No, no. There's a level of actors who are, the Daniel Day-Lewises of the world who are so...

Horrible to work with.

Are they? Is he?

Or just obnoxious, you know, those characters, you know...

He might be. I have no idea.

But as an actor...

Christian Bales and the guy from Succession, Kendall.

Yeah.

You know, the guys that get into it

and are the character the whole time.

That's not fun to be around.

Right.

But, I mean, to be able to do, like, some of the things he's done, Lincoln. I mean, thank God for his talent, but.
Yeah. Well, I wouldn't go that far, but I, but I'm just saying.
I wouldn't either. There's a level of actor that does that.
I can be Lincoln and then I can be the guy in, you know, Gangs in New York. And then there's most of the other ones who are, like you say, they're playing a version of themselves.
Yes. Meryl Streep can come out of a Holocaust situation.
Most people can't. Yeah.
You know, you just, there's just a lot. And so they don't try and they shouldn't try.
And they shouldn't. And you shouldn't try.
I will not be doing any period pieces. That's my, that's my.
Yeah, that's, I want to play myself and that would be any any roles i ever get i'm just like can she just be kind of like a sassy girl that and they i'm always a photo the girl's always a photographer or um what's the other job they give girls that are just like you could do one of those murder mysteries and it could be important important to the plot for some reason when you have your period.

Yeah, perfect.

That's a period piece for me.

That would be slightly different.

That would be amazing.

I would love.

I feel like we could weave that into a plot.

Oh, God.

I got to get this role before I stop getting mine.

The detective knows that you are innocent because something with your period.

Oh, that's really good.

Yeah.

And then someone says, but she doesn't get it anymore. She's perimenopausal.
No. Yeah.
You're too young and vibrant. Are you still in love? How's that shit going? Yeah, I'm still in love.
I'm more in love than ever. Oh, that's so great.
Thank you. Oh, as we talked about last time, as I did my part, my little part in the beautiful plot with the Hawaii trip.
I feel like when the movie is made... That would be a significant act of our film is the Hawaii trip with us two.
So you didn't have your period on that trip, did you? I probably lied and said I did to avoid intimacy. No! No, I would never.
No, I'm so in love. I mean, here's the thing, though, as you know, like anyway, I do.
But not even that anymore. Like I'm just kind of going through a non-sexual part of my life, which is just tough to reckon with.
I got to get blood worked on. I got to like figure out why I'm not horny anymore.
This poor guy. but we're so in love and like I had a breakthrough recently with them

where we were kind of

maybe gonna go

our separate ways. And then again, I was just, I just stopped.
I just had an epiphany. It's so basic, but I just realized no one I'm fantasizing about maybe replacing him with or not even a real person I'm thinking thinking of no one's going to be perfect and the things that aren't great about him are not me it's him I don't need he doesn't need to be perfect for me and it was really just about acceptance and I we've just been so good ever since he's he's become my creative partner like I've really brought him in and so we're like oh he's such.
He's funny. And he just handles all the stuff I don't want to handle.
He's a great person. Oh, I loved him.
He's awesome. He loves you so much, too.
And so, yeah, we're so happy. That's so delightfully honest, the way you put that and the way you said that.
Because most people would not say what you said out loud. And everybody's thinking it, which is like, you said something like, anybody I could replace him with.
And that's something people just don't say out loud. Oh, it's something I thought a lot.
And I'm sure he thought it about me. But, and, you know, because it's crazy that we're supposed to be with someone forever.
Give me a fucking break. Look who you're talking to.
I know. I know I'm preaching to the choir, but like, it's true.
And he knows it's insane too. And so we're just trying to be partners and figure it out.
Anyone can see. It's so hard for the people right in the middle of the eye of the storm to see.
But I think the people on the outside certainly who see you, we know this is the guy. You're going to be with this guy forever.
Yes. And he's going to be with you.
You are, you could just tell it about some couples. It's just like the electron and the proton or something.
There's a, there's a connection. I really got lucky with him.
Flocking up my chemistry, but yeah, but you're so right. You're not going to do better.
I'm not. And who are you going to replace him with? Justin Bieber? I mean, anyone I thought of is like someone that would require too much attention, kind of wants the spotlight.
He's totally fine with me being like the shiny one and supporting it. And also, like, I just we got into like a huge fight once, which at a restaurant, but like a fight that no one else was witnessing because we were at a restaurant.
I really recommend couples go to restaurants to like work on stuff because you can't get out of line if you're not drinking. Except when they do do that.
Except when they do. And I've had that happen.
Oh, God. It's not cool.
Yeah, no. We respect other people dining around us.
So glad I'm not 27. Oh, my God.
I wouldn't go back to 27 even if I could. Oh, really? Well, I mean, because life is full of crazy shit like that.
Yeah. Like, you know, some girl like storming out of a restaurant and you following her.
Did you used to do that? Oh, so I, you know, did I go out with girls who got super drunk? Oh, of course. And then when they got drunk, they relived every fight you ever had.
And yeah, did guys with psycho girls? Yeah, because when you're young, if someone's sexy, you don't care about anything else. I know.
If there's one thing that you're so great to leave behind from your dumbass youth. Yes.
It's shit like that. Yeah.
So yeah, I mean, we've all been there. Well, I guess I had, when I drank, maybe I was there, but we got into a fight and he was just like, you know, I was talking about how I'm kind of bored in this relationship.
I was just, it's hard for me to say, but I'm like, I'm kind of bored. And he goes, I hate to say it, but you're one of the most boring people I've ever met.
He said that to you? Yeah. And I go, and I laughed because it was the week after the roast and I was one of the most Googled people in the world.
And so I was like, oh, really? I'm boring? But he knew he was being hyperbolic, and I knew what he meant, which is like, I don't like to do stuff. I like to do—I like to work.
And when I'm—I don't like to meet new people. I don't like to go out and play sports and, you know, pickleball.
And, like, he's a very social person, and I'm just not. And he said—and we later talked about it, and I go, I'm boring.
He's like, it's not what I meant. And I go, I know what you meant.
And he goes, here's the thing though. I don't care that you are.
I love that you are. I'm not throwing it in your face.
I'm just saying, if you were bored, it maybe has something to do with you, but I don't care that you're boring, but you are. And I was like, that really hit me that I was like, I am boring and I am a lot of things.

Like, I don't like the outdoors.

My family loves outdoors. And I've always had shame about it.
But he accepts me. You are not, you're assuming an assumption of what makes someone boring that I do not share.
Going outside, all activities. So funny, I just read a quote from some celebrity in the tabloids because, you know, I read the tabs.
Yeah, of course. I think it was Zoe Kravitz who was talking about when she first got together with Channing Tatum and she said to him, almost what you're saying there, she said, I just want you to know I don't do stuff.
I don't do activities. I don't do things.
And I thought, I totally get that. I don't do a lot of activities either.
My days of like traveling except for stand-up, really, I'm not, no, I'm not going to Paris again. I've seen it three times.
Yeah. I could give reviews, you know, I get what's great and I'm just not going back.
It's so exhausting. I'm happy we're in my house.
Maybe that's. I like what I like.
I like what I like. I go to the same restaurants.
I don't like to take chances. I have enough friends.
If I need to make new friends, I will. That's what I'm saying.
What makes life boring to me isn't that I'm not hiking. It's that the people I'm talking to, whoever they may be, friends, girlfriend.
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The conversation is, well, you know, this also maybe you see each other more than I would see a certain person, because I feel like that's the key there is like, if you're together enough, you run out of conversation. I've tried to fix my life.
So, you know, that doesn't happen by, in basketball, they would call it, you know, time management or like fatigue management. They don't play the players every game now.
It's like, no, I'm sorry. There's nothing wrong with LeBron, but he's got to, he needs a rest.
Okay. And I feel like that makes you better in the long run.
But as long as the conversation, I don't want to go to, I'm the one who's like, no, it. Because wherever we are, unless we're having a good time talking about it, whether it's watching a movie or looking at the Grand Canyon, then I might as well be alone.
Yes. And I don't want to go to the Grand Canyon alone.
Yep. That's when I'm bored is really based on conversation and how open people are willing to be and how honest is really.
Because everything else, when you're not totally honest, it's just lateral motion. Oh, it's, it's a, it's an offshoot, but it's not this most exciting thing, which I guess to people like us is just, yeah, you're right.
I'm the same way move forward. Like what's new, what's realer.
And sometimes that can be hurtful.

And I like to debate a lot. I like people more after I get into a disagreement with them, and some people really don't understand that, and they think I'm mad at them, and they take it as really hostile.
I've had to pull back on it, but I realize that's how I connect with people, is being like, so you think that. Okay, well, let's examine that.
No, no, no. I really want to, like, and oh, man, people can shut down.
I've lost some friends over it because they're like, Nikki's too much. You and I would be terrible together.
Oh, we've debated before, but it's good because you like it too. Right, but I'm just saying, like, in a girlfriend, that's like the exact opposite.
Oh, oh, together, together? Yeah, I couldn't. It would just, yeah, we would.
I'm too old. No, no, no.
It's not no. It's not that.
You look great. It's not that.
Thank you. And by the way, neither one of us is thinking of replacing you.
But I'm just saying, personality-wise, that's like the opposite of what could ever work for me. Really? Yes.
But in a friend. I am what my mother used to call a pipe and slippers guy.
Okay. I didn't think I'd become one, but, uh, that's what you are.
Yeah. I like comfortable.
I don't like, like, do I, I love to be told new information. Yes.
I totally don't mind being told I'm wrong if you don't do it like an asshole. And if you can show me why, they're like, oh, great Yeah.
Thank you for stopping me at this moment in my life before I went out and said that. Yes.
To more people who would all think I'm stupid. So thank you.
Uh-huh. And that happens.
It does. So it's not about that or ego.
It's just like, I just like to be comfortable and just tone and, yeah, I want to soft. I would never talk to my boyfriend like I just talked, by the way.

Oh, you think that?

I'm very respectful.

I think that's really important in a relationship is that there's just, you know, I've never thought I'd be someone that was like, you respect your man.

But, like, I really now more than ever just, like, so respect him.

And so I would never talk in that tone because I think my parents talked in that tone a lot. Sorry if you're listening, parents, but you did.
Who else gets that tone from you? D-listers? No, just like my friends. Friends.
Like I say, D-listers. D-listers? My friends for sure.
And, you know, new people I meet. Other comics.
I would say young comics that I'm kind of just trying to rattle.

I would say maybe I have that kind of... Oh, they must be shitting their

pants when they meet you. Isn't that something you

went from the young comic, not that you're not...

I was going to say, when did this happen?

To the person who now they're

shitting in their pants when they meet you.

Oh, God. The other night, there was a girl that was in

the green room at the comedy store just like,

I just want to say, being in your

aura, I just feel like I'm funnier. And I was like,'t said anything i'm in my phone i'm scroll like there's nothing but she was like just being around you it was really really sweet like it was it was so nice your last special was awesome oh my gosh thank you so much you did i did you wrote to me thank you so much i wish there was a better memory fors.
I remember you at the end. Oh, yeah.
I was acting out of gangbang. But I mean, so many bits I loved.
And also, I mean, you know, it had a kind of a build that was very, you know, I feel like you took it to the next level. Thank you.
Thank you. I really learned a lot watching you, especially.
Just so many, so many just great points made so perfectly comedically, but like also being intellectual about it, trying to say something. You know, you want to have those like kind of messages that change the way people look at things.
But you also want to be funny. It's just it's it's hard to balance both of those.
No, I mean, it's kind of like this discussion we're having here, your honesty about especially the subject that is most sensitive of any, because when you think about it, you know, the person who you let in as a lover now is potentially, just by that act of letting them in and loving you and loving them,

just by that, they are now your worst potential enemy. Potential.
Because they have things on you

and ways to hurt you that no one else does. So if it doesn't work, or if it works partly

by this mingled into the relationship, that's what Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf is about. The Taylor Burton movie, you know the one? Yes.
It's a famous movie they did in the 60s when they were married. Elizabeth Taylor was, you know, the Angelina Jolie of her day.
I mean, nobody was bigger. And Richard Burton was her, like her fifth husband or something.

I mean, she was like, she, the paparazzi were kind of invented for her. Oh, that's right.
Yeah. I mean, she was the original that.
So she and Burton, they met on Cleopatra. She left her husband on the, at the time, on the movie she's making.
And it was the most expensive movie in the world at the time, like a million dollars.

And she was having like the chili from Chasen's Flown In, from Beverly Hills to Cairo. I mean, it was really, it was all that.
And, you know, they made this movie, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, black and white. I think she got the Oscar for it.

And it's just a couple who they are just always saying the worst things to each other. But it's also what keeps them together.
Oh, yeah. It's an amazing study.
You'd like that. I definitely should watch that.
Yeah. Yes.
And,, you know, he's a professor and so he's not really doing well and doesn't really turn her on. And she flirts with other guys in front of him and belittles him for his achievements.
And then, you know, he just takes it. That just sounds awful.
Too close. Yeah.
I mean, I could have been in something like that. But yeah, we go to couples therapy now, and that has been the most helpful thing.
I never thought he, I mean, he never would go to therapy on his own. That was in your show, wasn't it? And then we did it on my reality show just like as a bit for the show.
You know, you got to go do shit on the show when you're someone who doesn't like to do stuff. Wait, it's called a reality show.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? I'm saying that it was invented for the sake of the show for us to go but we still see that same therapist from the show that we went to as like a bit for the show you know three years later we still go to her and we go every week whether we're doing well or not because we used to just go in for checkups and now we go in just consistently and it's just like and what is what is the ref do in this situation i'm literally just she goes how are you guys doing this week and then we will not have said any of this shit to ourselves because no matter how much we're like let's get ahead of it and just like next time let's not let it pile up it will have piled up because it's hard to say things in the moment when your feelings get hurt and the person's busy and you don't want to bring it up so we we get a list of things that we go in with and then we just air them out. And it gets like to the point where it gets a little bit, it can get a little ugly, not ugly in terms of being mean, but like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, you think that like both of us being like, how could you ever think that I would say it? And no matter what, we always leave like so in love with each other, even if it's not resolved, because we've just said the truth and we both somehow are able to see each other's sides of things.
Like I just have really worked at being like, think how he feels in this moment. Like he's not trying to be mad at you for no reason.
Like you actually hurt him. He's hurt, validate that.
Like whether or not he has reason to be hurt in your mind, he's hurt. And so try to understand what that would feel like.
And that's really helped me to just like really stop and, and actually try to have empathy, not just sympathy. Like literally what would it feel like to be dating Nikki Glaser and have her say that whatever it is, I'm like, oh yeah, that would be shitty.
I can see it. We can both empathize with each other.
And, you know, I just, it's the best.

I recommend it to everyone.

I would have never thought it would be so helpful, but it is.

It's really, it saved us.

How does it then affect the sex life?

Like, when you come out of those sessions, do you want to, like, tear each other's clothes?

Yeah, kind of.

You do?

Yeah, we're kind of like, oh, you're so cute.

Like, you've got someone, like, I'm very hor very horny for like him being emotional and him being vulnerable. And so I'm usually kind of like horny for him.
But then it's always at like 1 p.m. on a Wednesday and we have to like jump into meetings.
So by the time it's like nighttime, it's faded. So do you think there'll ever be a time when you won't need a third person to hold his dick to make this happen? No, I think we will always need a little, like I always will need a trainer.
Like I'm never going to work out on my own and do the things I need to do. Even though I could, I know what to do, but I'm never going to do it.
I need someone to tell me what to do. Like for me to be in the best shape of my life, I need to go to classes and I need a trainer.
I won't do it on my own. So I just feel like, yeah, I think I'll always, we'll always have this chick as our third.
And yeah, it's just, but who's to say that will last forever. Like, I think that's the other thing that made me feel so much more comfortable in this is like, it doesn't have to be forever.
Like it's just for now. Kind of like being an alcoholic just for today.
Maybe this is a crazy idea, but just to go in the complete opposite direction and say, you know what, maybe we're overthinking the whole thing and we're, you know, just sort of institutionalizing normal goings on in life, weekly checkups. Like, it's a week.
It happened. Let's go.
No, because shit piles up. And resentments pile up.
And if you don't air them out, they will pile up over a year. And then one little thing will set off this thing.
And then he'll start, you know, like I will be mad at him about one thing he did that he doesn't even know he did. Then I'll kind of move this way.
And then he'll sense me moving that way. And then he'll move this way.
And then I sense sense that and then I move that way. And there's no way to get back together unless one of us breaks the dam.
And I guess- But you can't do that at home in the bathroom? We can do it at home. You can't be like, you know, honey, you've been kind of distant the last couple of days.
Did I do something? Like, you can't just do that without- Yes, and we do do that. But I think having a third person just makes it feel safe for both people.
Because you get a ruling. We get someone who, like, you can't say crazy shit when a person is, like, you can't.
But she takes sides? No, but she will be like, Nikki, you sound like you. Like, last week she was just like, Nikki, you kind of just shut down and just said sorry.
And it doesn't feel like you, it just felt like you were just. And I go, well, of course I'm just going to say, yeah, sorry,, I won't do that again because you heard him.
He never reads a situation wrong. So if he never reads a situation, like she kind of had my back in this moment.
She saw a moment that he might not have seen and made me kind of stand up for myself. It's just, we both.
Do you ever get mad and argue the call? Like, you know, like, like Earl Weaver back in the seventies, go out there and kick dirt. I can't believe you said that he was right about that.
And then you get thrown out of the session. So no, but we, sometimes we fight so much and she's like, guys, guys, it's screaming over us.
But I, I generally, I, I'm not trying to sound like pat myself on the back here. I, I go so that he feels represented because I want him to have someone on his team because he's new to talking about his feelings he's new to like exploring the reasons why he might be doing these things i've been doing this shit since i was 18 years old like in therapy picking apart why i act the way i act i have i'm more versed in it so i like that she's there for him so like take someone like me who does none of this do you think i'm probably fucked up because i haven't looked under no i don't you just think it's a different some people do it this way and some people do it yeah i just think i mean i think it would help if you were in a relationship that was like having the same issues over and over there's no question it would help it can only help it wouldn't hurt and so i think that it's just yeah it's just a a different way of doing things.
But I would absolutely recommend it to anyone. I don't think it's like meditation.
Like it's not going to be horrible if you don't do it, but it really will add a lot and you won't know until you do it. I mean, at least that's what I've heard about meditation.
I don't do it. Yeah.
I used to. I'm the same way.
I was on Sam Harris's app, like addicted to it for a while. Yeah, I know.
And I got away and then I just haven't gotten back.

I love that app.

It's so good.

When I was doing it, things were good.

Why'd you stop?

That's a good question because I, you just get scared of it.

You get scared of sitting in silence.

You get scared of, you know, I don't have the time for it.

It's like any excuse of like all the things that make you feel better.

You get scared of being alone with your thoughts.

If you're someone who's like running depressed and anxious.

But the involvement of the I don't have the time for it's like any excuse of like all the things that make you feel better you get scared of being alone with your thoughts if you're someone who's like running depressed and anxious but but the whole point of it maybe is to not have thoughts correct Bill no okay here's the thing about meditation that I know and I think Sam would back me up on this is that you are having thoughts it's the ability to see those thoughts and go oh it's a thought and just kind of let it go past. Right.
So you're having thoughts the whole damn time. And sometimes you're going to, yeah, it's the whole time.
Well, there's ways. Look, here's how I, again, I'm not the best at this, but I can, especially if I need to go to sleep, I can do this.
Like First, I imagine, all, I remind myself of what the brain is, which is, yes, thoughts are always incoming, incoming, incoming. And they can be random, and they can be about the song you heard in the morning, and then it can be about what I have to do with the show tomorrow, and then it can be about this person.
They're just incoming. I picture myself like in a room and they're all incoming.
And I'm just like, okay, I push them. Yeah.
Okay, I'm just, I'm not, you guys, I'm not killing you or hurting you. I'm just pushing you back.
That's so healthy. So just to know where I am.
And then I, you know, you do have that boring thing, your mantra, you're not supposed to say, you're not supposed to. It's just something so if you have a song stuck in your head, no, you're not saying.
You're just saying the same word over and over again. That's boring.
And then, you know, if you close your eyes, you don't see blackness. What you see is like patches of light.
And it looks to me like the universe. And I imagine, oh, it's a complete recapitulation of the universe.
It's just a little patch of light against the complete blackness. But that's probably, you know, a fucking galaxy form.
Yes. That's it.
And so, like, all this boring shit that's like – Now, if there's a day that's going on where there really is something troubling, I am definitely not good enough to keep that thought out. Right.
No, I mean... But in a normal day, I can, because it is just...
And what I try to tell myself at the beginning is, whatever these thoughts in that are coming in, just remind yourself from the beginning, you probably won't be thinking about them at all in a week. Yes.
Maybe not tomorrow. Yeah, yeah.
And definitely not in a year. Yeah.
So, you know, I've been having this thing lately where I've, and I've suffered with it forever, but just instant regret of why didn't I, it's usually with work things like, oh my God, it could have been so much funnier if I would have told Bill that story or said that quip. Oh my God, there's a line I had that was perfect.
That would have been so perfect. It would have been clipped and it would have gotten a million views.
And I'll beat myself up about it. And I just lately, and I can spiral on those.
Lately, I've just been like, you have to put that podcast away. It happened.
And you don't get to open it again. I mean, I just came from taping real time.
That's every Friday night is I could have said or I should have said said and what do you do with that exactly what you're talking about you have to it's tough you know if you're a perfectionist and you want to show you know i always want the show to be as perfect as it could be i'm like i'm okay so yeah you're like oh damn and i feel almost like personally bad to the audience. Like, oh, I could have given you this even better.
They don't even know it. And they don't know it, of course.
And people go, they loved it. And I go, but they don't know how much they could have loved it.
They would have loved it even more. You really want to be there for them.
Yes. You want to be their hero.
So it's like, I feel like, was I denied? Yeah, absolutely. The audience loved the show.
You could just tell. And it was a great show.
Al Franken was there. Lots of funny stuff.
A lot of funny stuff to talk about. So much this week.
Yeah. But yeah, you're going to have those moments or in, not just in our professional life.
I have it in my personal life. I'm at a party and I leave.
Oh, I should have. And the French have an expression for this.
It's called l'expressed escalier, escalier stairway. Yes.
And it means literally the thought you have on the stairway. Oh, God.
As you're leaving. And then you pause.
The apartment, like, oh, I should have. Oh, I'll get like a feeling through my body that kind of just like radiates like a pain.
Like Chris will sometimes in bed, I'll just go, oh, and he'll go, what? I go, I just should have said this thing that I didn't. And there was a great joke that I just left there.
You just got to tell yourself, nobody wins 11 to nothing. If you win it all in life, seven to five.
I know. You know, and so you got to leave it on the table.
I know I can't. And there's nothing you can do.
Like, just let it go. Because if there's something you can do right now, like do it.
But like, you know, there's been times once in a while you can say it next week. And that's what that's what I've learned is like, just store it away from the next time or just tell it anecdotally.
I could have said this thing, and then it's funny. Sometimes they're gone because it was of the moment, and there's no way to get it back.
But, you know, look, I've never been the type of comic who deliberately writes. You know, that's like some comics, that was their thing.
Maybe you do it that way. No, I do not.
I never have. There's no record of my work anywhere.
Really? You don't write it down? I write it in my phone. Like, I jot a note in my phone, but I don't write, like, a sentence.
Okay. Wait, what do you do? You write.
Well, I've been. Yeah, you have notes.
I just, yes, I've always tried to be vigilant about when I, you know, we are just fucking around and thinking of just getting high, really.

And something funny comes up.

Yeah, write it down.

Just write it down, a little cocktail napkin.

That's all right.

Reams of cocktail napkins.

Do you put it in your phone?

Are you a phone guy?

No, no, no, no.

Old school.

Old school, okay.

Computer.

And I put it in the computer.

Okay.

But at a party, you just find— I'm not going to do it. I mean, there was a time in my life when I was always doing it.
Oh, yeah. We know that guy.
When I was first doing it, I had two, not just one, but two little mini tape recorders. Remember the ones with them? Yeah, yeah.
In each of my jacket pockets because if I was doing an hour – Oh, yeah. Oh, it would run out.
So I'd have to somehow on stage turn one off and turn the other one off. Oh, my God.
I tried to do it surreptitiously, too. But, yeah.
Well, I was obsessive about listening back to every set. That's so good.
Everyone should be, and they'd be great. Those days ended a long time ago, but I don't need to do it anymore.
So when you come up with something on stage now, what happens? Are you recording it? Do you go back and listen? No, I go over the set immediately when I get off stage, and I usually remember if there is something, and then I get a transcript and see it. Okay, I'll do that.
I usually just tell the audience, hey, will you guys just DM me the words lobster ravioli? I'll know what it means. I'll literally tell them because I go, I won't remember that otherwise.
Well, I mean, some bits, lots of bits, just I would need one word because there's no bad way I can say it. Yes.
There are other ones that it really depends on almost the most precise order of the words and stuff. And if you say it wrong, it just is not going to have the same effect.
Those you kind of have to. You have to script out.
Yeah, I do. Yeah.
I do that eventually when I'm doing a special because then I bring in people to actually help produce it. And they're like, where's the script? And and I go I don't have one and they go we need and then you start typing out and go oh this is a mess unless I have it exactly worded the right way the way I edit comedy mine and the writers is just like trying to be aware of like with comedy you can't go from a to c or d like you're feeding them a certain amount of information.
Sometimes they need very little to get started. Johnny Depp got divorced.
Yes, okay, that's all we need. We don't need to explain a lot.
You're so right about this. But you can't go from that to whatever.
You have to feed them this. Okay, now I've got this, and then I have this grasp on this, and now I can hear the punchline.
But sometimes that's all out of order. No, I think the biggest mistake that I see for myself or other comics when a bit doesn't work is not that the audience didn't think it was funny.
They just lost the thread. They don't know what you're talking about.
You lost them. Right.
You know what you're talking about, because you've told us a thousand times they need more details to get to where you're at or they are sometimes more but also what sometimes fucks up a joke is too many words too much yeah they don't need that much yeah you know and that sucks because your act goes from 30 minutes to 12 when you cut out all the fat that's happened to me i just remember being told by like a you know a veteran comedian early on just tell the joke right tell the joke i was like i don't know what that means but it was just because i was talking too much in the setup yeah yeah the quickest amount like people that just go up and ram i your first joke should always be the smallest to me i'm so scared about about getting that. The very first joke? Yeah, the first joke.
I want to laugh as soon as possible. Yeah.
So what do you use? I mean, I used to use, like, I just turned 35 in June of 2017. You know, like, something like that that just kicks you.
Like, your age is never going to be something that you can't go then talk about what's going on. You know some kind of very quick thing when i i remember as a starting out comic i hated it because unlike now where you're a known quantity you don't have that awkwardness at the beginning like who the fuck are you yeah yeah yeah yes you know it's just it's just a rotten feeling a bunch of people looking at you at a comedy club they just went to see see comedy.
Yes. Who the fuck are you? And you're right.
You want to... My opening line in the late 80s I think was like, I'm from the east.
And then I would say like Japan or something. It wasn't that funny.
No, that is funny. And then I said it funny, I think.
It'd be like the Osaka area.

I'm from back east.

Yeah, I'm from back east, Japan, something like this.

That's so good.

I can't even turn that back.

And then I would go right into, I think, my impression of a New York City cop at the crucifixion.

That was my second joke.

Show's over. Oh, my God.
That's so fun. Yeah.
And that gets them right away. I mean, those two are like, it's a bad.
But it took me like years to get just, you know, like, I don't know, two or three years before I even figured that out. Yes.
Just do something right away. Right away that makes them trust you don't fump her they don't because they have no trust in you when you first walk up there the second that they like you can feel them relax when it's comedy is just about making because everyone in the audience is like i can't believe they're just talking like i'm so nervous for them i would never want to do this so you just you have to remember everyone's feeling that tension for you, no matter how good you are.
I mean, maybe at our level, they're not. They know we're going to do a good job.
But I think even then, the audience, whenever I go to CPI, I project onto the performer and go, is she nervous? What's she thinking? And like the second you can just let them know, like, I've got this. I'm in control.
They relax. I mean, I think some people have that feeling.
I think you're giving a lot of people a lot more credit than me. I think a lot of people are, first of all, in a comedy club setting.
Yeah, you're right. Some of them are rooting for that because it's interesting.
Yeah, that's a good point. And other people are just like, I don't know.
I went to the comedy store recently or the improv. I drop in on each of them sometimes now.
Do you do a set? No. You're just going to watch? It's so much fun.
It is. It's funny.
Comics are funny. Why don't you do a set? Oh, please.
Why are you never doing sets around town? I don't know. Because you don't need it.
I don't need it. But isn't it fun? To do a set? At a comedy club? Yes, Bill.
No, I don't want to. It is.
I promise you. You need to be doing spots.
Sometimes this was late. There was like 40 people in the audience.
Yeah. I don't need to.
No, I don't need to go to Gold's Gym to work. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so you just drop in on shows and just sit and watch. I don't drop in like anyone else.
I go up to the door. You get a ticket.
I don't get a ticket. They let me in.
Okay, yeah. And then you just go, you sit and you watch.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
For like an hour or something. I love that.
Like, I'll be out to dinner with some people and I'll be like, I don't want to go home. Yeah.
And we're not going to go to a movie or, you know, sadly not a bar anymore. And, you know, we're not going bowling.
Wait, why sadly not a bar? Because I drink. No, I don't really drink.
I think I'll have a drink now. Okay, yeah.
But mostly I don't. Yeah.
And I certainly wouldn't drink after dinner. Yeah, okay.
I mean, I never did that. You're really a drunk if you do that because, well.
You mean with dinner is when you drink? No, well, no, no. Before.
And when I was a real drinker. Yeah, meer, I would drink before dinner because you want to drink on an empty stomach because it works.
It works so much better. So much better.
So to me, like, as soon as you had the food, your night was over. Yeah.
Because it kills your buzz. So many times I'd be out to dinner with people and, like, I'd have a drink before dinner, probably a second one, and then the food the food would come everybody's eating and i don't want to lose my buzz yeah and like the like the meal is over for everybody and i'm not touched and the waiter goes over and says was there something wrong sir like no no nothing's wrong i'm just a slow eater and then i would either wolf it down or take it to go.
But it was deliberate so you wouldn't lose your buzz? Totally deliberate. Were you out? Did you have a problem? No.
That sounds like someone has a problem if they're, like, trying, like. Oh, God.
No, no, I don't think you have a problem. I'm not accusing you.
I know you don't have a problem. I've been around you too much.
And you're too successful. Well, now I have three drinks a week.
So my problem is I can't drink because I'm too old to, you know, when you're 68 years old, you just, you're on a short leash. No, I used to love drinking so much.
And I never had a problem. A problem is like, I can't stop.
It affects my work. I had a problem like any normal person.
Like I drank too much because I could get away with it. Had a great time.
Also made me like a douchebag sometimes. Yeah.
But I was at 35. I was probably still gonna act like a douchebag anyway.
What? No, I, I, I get what you're saying. I, I, I wish I could.
I stopped drinking 12 years ago. And, um, I would love to be someone that just has one or two.
And could. But not everything.
But I just can't. I just don't want to test it.
Like, I just, I'd rather not even try because it's just too risky. There's too much to lose.
It's so funny because I feel like I know your parents now, and I know your upbringing. I know your house, and I know that life.
You know, I mean, middle class, great, nice people, kind of, mid-American, love to party, white girl life. I'm like, why all these issues? It's like- I don't know.
It's so annoying and it's so- Well, I think it's connected to your talent. You know, people who are very talented, who have that thing, know it's sometimes connected to a little bit of madness.
Yeah. You know, you, Hitler, I'm just saying there are people, like they were a genius at some things like he was with commanding a crowd like Trump.
I'm not saying Trump's Hitler. No, you're not.
No, Hitler actually fought the Russians. But yeah, you got to be a little...

Yes, there's constant discussion of that,

the connection between madness and genius.

Charlie Chaplin, who, of course, is almost a doppelganger for Hitler.

You know, they were born the same year.

Oh, wow.

They became phenomenons.

Well, Charlie earlier, but I mean, like a level of mass adoration that very few people have ever witnessed. We're seeing one now in Taylor Swift.
But Chaplin was maybe the first show person who had that kind of like. Oh, wow.
Oh, yeah. Like when he went to London after, I mean, when he was at that level of the same, the headline, I think, in the London Times was just Chaplin.
You know, he was just in town. It was just, and he was, you know.
What was his crazy? 12-year-old girl for one. No, really.
Charlie Chaplin? I didn't know that. Oh, yeah.
Charlie Chaplin was. Oh, God.
Oh, yes. I mean, of course, this was in an era when nobody did anything about it.
Yeah. Oh, he married them.
I mean, they, you know, I think there was a couple of suicides. I can't believe I didn't know that.
He isn't, I don't think he's been publicly canceled for that yet. Charlie Chaplin? Yeah.
Well. In that way, the way that everyone's gone.
He was canceled in his lifetime. Like way before canceling was a thing.
He is, he was an expatriate. He moved to Switzerland because he was so unpopular here.
He was a, because of the young girl thing or just because of, uh, no, no, no, but his politics were way too far left. Oh, he was either a communist or he flirted with it.
Um,'t want to quote, misquote. Yeah.
But he was definitely on that. I mean, he was socialism plus at least.
And so I feel like, yeah, Hollywood. And of course, the world went from silent films in which his genius was to talkies.
And he never. It's like the advent of social media where some people are just like, I can't.
I don't know what to do with this. Me.
Yeah. Well, you're doing fine.
You're all over social media for someone who's not on it. You're everywhere on it.
Really? You get clipped a ton. Oh, yeah.
I mean, your show and your podcast do a really good job on there. Shout out.
They do. They do.
They really do. For you not really being involved in that, like, you seem very much a part of it.
But also, I must say. I don't see you doing dances.
We need to get you doing that. I just don't.
Maybe I'm missing it, but when I see other podcasts, I just don't see people getting quite as down and dirty.

Yeah.

No.

I feel like there is something about club random.

I don't know whether it's these club cigarettes.

I think it's you.

I can't put my – some of it's me.

Some of it's the people I like.

Yeah.

Yes.

You know, and we feel like –

It's just –

And there's nobody else in the room.

Yeah, that's good too.

We're alone in here.

It's just –

And we don't have mics like in our faces.

That's what too. We're just, we don't have big, it's just, you just, and we don't have mics like in our faces.
It makes you kind of forget that there's cameras are kind of hidden. I forget.
Yeah. I, I have a couple of times during this as well.
It's, it's nice because I just, yeah, that's why I've always liked you. It's just, I've always felt since we became friends, I can just be myself.
I mean, I was very nervous to meet you at first. I'm like, I don't know anything about politics.
How am I going to hang out with him? It's just like, oh, he just likes people who are honest. Yes.
And that's what I like, too. But wait, what's your crazy? What makes you want to? Why are you? What? Like, if everyone who's drawn to comedy and and you know oh what's what's yours um that's a great question i i don't know um i'm pretty sane i think you know have my quirks but um cautious you know i feel like sane people are in general cautious yeah sometimes that can bleed over paranoia, but a little bit of paranoia is not a bad thing, especially in a world where everybody's trying to get everybody.
Yeah. So excuse me for worrying about it.
You know, no, the press is my friend. Uh-huh.
I forgot. Uh-huh.
No, nobody's your friend. No one is.
Well, I mean, so we are. But I'm talking about people, if they can use your hide to advance themselves, they will.
But anyway, I just think I'm a cautious person. But you don't have depression? I don't do stupid things.
People are always like, how did you get so rich? I'm like, never got married. No divorces, no alimony, no stupid hobbies.
I don't collect cars and motorcycles and jewelry and art. None of that would give me any pleasure.
So it was all gravy money. And I spend it on what I just, I don't need to live like a comfort.
That's what I've been doing. I'm working on a bit about it, but I I, for, I spend my money on Taylor Swift concerts.
Like that's been my thing. I've been to 18 and 15 months.
Does she know this? She probably does. Cause I talk about it a lot, but, um, I, I just travel and go see her any chance I have.
Cause it's my, the most fun thing imaginable to me. And, um, and it's like, you, I can't really talk about it that much because people are just like, Oh, must be nice.
You can afford that. And it's like, I can, because I don't have kid.
Like this is cost is way cheaper than having a kid when I'm doing thousands of dollars on this. And yet you, it's just like, why don't people who have kids ever get comments? Like, well, must be nice to have kids.
You're flaunting your privilege. It's like, well, it's just, it's so strange to me that.
I used to do a bit in my old act, I guess the, maybe women thought it was sexist, but it was like, yeah, the, the, the parents who like have twins in the school play, you know, you can get off work. What if I have twins in the hot tub? That's so good.
That's so fun. It's, yeah, I mean, not having kids is just turning out to pay off so well every day that I keep on this track.
It's the best, unless you love And yeah, I get it. But I just, I'm really grateful that I just did something else that distracted me from it.
What a good opportunity for me to hear from someone this much of an authority on a subject I don't understand. Yeah, please.
I'm not putting Taylor Swift down at all. I think she's a great celebrity in that she's so big and yet doesn't do anything super crazy.
She's gone out with a bunch of guys, like not more than other chicks have over a course of 10 or 12 years. Exactly, yes.
Is she a little like I always need to have a boyfriend? Yeah, but most chicks are that way. A lot of chicks are like, I know a lot of girls.
Most people are that way, yes. Yes, people don't like to be alone.
Yeah. And then she writes songs.
Okay, I just don't, again, not a put down, I just have no clue why she's at the level. Like if I did not know anything about it, and again, I'm not that familiar with the music, but why the world decided, they don't agree on anything, but we've agreed that she is the greatest singer, songwriter, whoever came down the pike.
It doesn't strike me this way. Is there something else going on? You need to listen.
Honestly, I think that- It's the lyrics? It's the lyrics. It's the musicality.
It's the melodies. It's just, I'm a fan of music.
I like good music. I was raised on good music.
I was raised to, you know, my dad's, uh, the way I am about what should I start with? I honestly think, cause you should probably start with folklore. Folklore.
I think folklore. I think that's when a lot of, I want to say men got on board and said, wow, this is a legitimate artist.
What year? This is our first COVID album. She put out two albums during COVID.
Oh. And they're indie albums.
They're like stripped down. She worked with a guy from The National, the band that is very well loved.
And she won, you know, album of the year for it. And it's really that.
She's just a great musician. And, you know, For me, she kind of looks like me.
She's kind of around the same age. She kind of has the same kind of voice.
I like things that are like me, and that's probably why I initially was like, what's going on with her? It just so happens she is one of the greatest artists that will ever live. She just possibly saved our mean, that's the crazy thing.
Amazing power, yeah. Amazing power.
Yeah, we were talking about on the show tonight. Absolutely.
Unreal. And I was a fan for a really long time before it really caught on like it did, and it's very validating to now be like, I'm not so crazy.
But I am. I really, it's not normal.
I mean, you can probably list on one hand and still have one to give somebody the finger, the number of people who got to that level. And again, Chaplin, I would say, is one of them.
Maybe Frank Sinatra. Michael Jackson.
Elvis, the Beatles. The Beatles.
But, you know, had real cultural impact. And yeah, I mean, it's so okay.
Yeah, it really, it's the music though. It's, you know, I want to say like, oh, she really speaks to the woman in me and speaks about breakups and love and emotions.
And it's all of that, but it's really, I mean, there's just no question she's just a brilliant musical artist and just knows how to write a hit. Wow.
And just, it's... Well, I like Sparks Fly.
It's a great song. Are there more like that? Yeah.
Okay, you're a fearless girly. Okay.
What does that mean? Fearless. Fearless is her first album.
It's her second album. If I wind up with one of those fucking bracelets, I'm going to fucking beat you over the head with it.
I will be sending you a bracelet because I really think Fearless and Speak Now are going to be your albums. But not the bracelet.
It would look so cute on you. It really would.
It would be such a nice touch. Nikki, please.
I I'm begging you I'm totally sending you one there's no chance I'm not but thank you for being open to it that's all I ask I'm totally open to the music and I should have listened to it before now I don't know whenever something came on the radio like shake it off I mean there's a song I do have yeah and that's a song that made me go what the fuck well she wrote that song okay but like i don't i that that's listen i it's okay to not like shake it off okay i'm not saying i don't like shake it off but it's okay to not like shake it off it's not it's just one of many different kinds of songs she has, and she's capable of a lot more than that, but that was a moment, yeah. But you're gonna get into it.
Do you like going to concerts? You know, that's another thing that I'm gonna put under that list of activities. I thought it was...
You know, it's like, I've been to concerts and I do love them, but it's a lot of of mishegas getting in and getting out. It is.
And the encore. Yeah, and lines for the bathroom.
Yes. It's a lot.
It's a lot. And getting out of the parking lot.
I know. Should we beat the crowd? But no, you want to hear the best.
It's a lot of people, some drinking. Yeah.
I don't think, you know. I mean, they filmed the Billy Joel concert that he's been doing.
Oh, yeah. Forever at Madison Square Garden, one of my all-time favorite artists.
There's a genius. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Have you been to Madison Square Garden? No, because I saw the thing on TV.
Because you saw it. It was not made for an Emmy against me.
And, you know, did I feel it in my bones the way I would have if I was, but no. Kind of.
Sometimes it's good enough. It was good enough.
It's good enough. Yeah.
That's what I tell people about the Heiress tour because you know she's been doing this. I don't have to smell his sweat, you know.
Just. I take your wordy sweat.
Watch the Heiress movie if you have Disney Plus. Just watch that.
That'll take you through her whole catalog. She's gorgeous.

It's really nice to watch.

Somebody who needs to be brought up

to speed on the whole thing.

It's three hours long

but just put it on and

work your way through it and you'll have a good time.

Great. That's

what I'll do.

So it's like the best of each era.

Yeah, that's what she does. Each era

is an album so it's like 10 or

11 albums at this point and she just goes through each one and it's awesome. Well, I'm sure you will meet her someday.
I want to. And we have a little surprise, Nikki.
Backstage. Can you imagine she's been crouching there the whole time? Tell her.
I honestly got a little nervous. Yes, she knows you're a fan and she wants to personally give you a- Oh, no.
I am so happy to be a fan. Like, I want to stay- Like, I don't even- People are like, when are you going to be friends? Of course I'll be friends with her if she wants to, but I'm not forcing it and I love being a fan.
No, I did do some jokes about, you know, my boyfriend's a football player. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've seen him. Do you think that...
I've scrolled past it and I'm not going to like those. That made you mad? No, no, of course not.
Okay, okay. You're always so...
I do, it hasn't started yet as we're talking about this, but by the time this airs, it will have happened. I do, for Thursday Night Football, for Amazon, I do their after show.
I do like a speed roast of the football game that I write during the football game and then do a little like kind of. Wait, where is this? Where am I going to say this? On Amazon Prime, Thursday Night Football, like on their after show.
I just watched it. Yeah, yeah.
Did you do it Thursday night? No, I'm starting this next Thursday. Oh, good.
I didn't miss it. Oh, perfect.
Yeah, it'll be like a three-minute roast of the game. And I don't know anything about—I mean, I'm learning about football.
It's like, honestly, I'm trying really hard, but it's a really complex game. But it's fun.
And I'm looking to get obsessed because I—you know, Taylor Swift's not going to be on tour forever. And I need, like, a new thing to become, like, obsessed with going to.
Because I really like going to, like, stadium. So the 18th time, not over it in any...
Not over it at all. You get to dress up like her.
You get to dance and sing all night. I'm not thinking about any of my problems.
I feel young. Who do you go with? I bring friends.
My mom's been to eight shows with me. I brought my parents to...
We went to Dublin. We went to Zurich and we went to Amsterdam three times.
Like I just followed her around the summer and I bring out friends. I just fly out friends that I think like, I'd like fly out you.
I'd be like, you, you can be convinced come with me. And then would you go? If I have to give in on the bracelet, you have to wear a bracelet.
But yeah, I bring people who are kind of on the fence

and I go, just come with me.

Okay, no, I'll watch it.

Okay, yes, yes.

I mean, look,

if I wouldn't leave the house

for Billy Joel.

I can't afford another ticket

to be honest with you, Bill.

So that was a false invite.

How much are the tickets?

I mean, they're crazy.

I'm going to try to go

front row in Miami

and I think it's like

maybe going to be 10 grand

for one ticket.

Right.

But, you know, that's... And you can get front row, you know, they're resellers that are just, they're marked up on StubHub, but it's, I'll wait till the day of and see what happens.
But yeah, I've, I've, uh, I've spent a lot. I think the most I spend is like $7,500 a ticket for my mom and I to be front row one time.
It was so fun and I never get tired of it. And people go, is the show, what does she do differently each time? So you already were in the front row? Yeah.
And did she acknowledge you? There's so many people in the front row. It's a big stage.
No, no, no. And I wouldn't expect it.
You didn't think you saw a little something in the eye? Like, oh, hey. I don't even want her to look at me.
I just feel like it'd be too distracting. No.
Oh, my God. That's what they used to say about Jesus and the old religion movements.
There would just be a glow. And the camera couldn't even show it because he was Jesus.
Oh, wow. And then the people would just look down.
I almost feel that way. That's really disturbing.
Because you know what's disturbing about that? Like, if she said vote for Trump, then he'd win. I know.
Oh, that's not good. I know, but she didn't.
No. So I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with her power as long as she's on the right side of things. I think I said this tonight on our show.
Trump, that's a cult, but so is this. It is a cult.
And, you know, maybe a cult leader can be, you can be good for good and not evil. I think she generally is.
That's why I say I have no reason to put her down or desire to. And I always have the greatest respect for success.
But if you're at a level of success that's enormous, that always has my attention, my respect.

I could look at it and go, well, you know, that's because people don't have great taste.

I could.

I'm not saying about it. that's enormous, that always has my attention, my respect, I could look at it and go, well, you know, that's because people don't have great taste.
I could. You could, yes.
I certainly have said that about other things that were massive. Not everything that's massive means it's great.
No, I agree. I agree.
And a lot of times it's not. Most of the time it's a bad sign if it's massively popular.
Don't get me started on writers' embellishment,

hot pockets, I don't know. Many things that our friends have appeared in.
Yeah. And cultural things that people think are great milestones that I don't.
Yes. But I do respect.
And I do respect what she has achieved. And yeah, you're right.
And this, you know, elections that we have now are so close, razor sharp. I mean, Trump won the first one.
He pulled an inside straight and basically with, I mean, 70,000 votes or something, was it across three states, something so small. I mean, she registered like 400,000 people.
I mean, right there could be the difference. I mean, that's a, that's a, that's a number.
Well, it was, that's how many people went to the link. Did that many people register from the link? That's what I read, but I don't know.
That makes me sad. Like, how is this the reason that you do it? And I'm glad it's the reason, whatever gets you to do it, but really? So do you get like a, is there a fan club, a newsletter? Is there a, no, like the Beatles used to put out a special Christmas album just for the fans.
Not an album. One song.
They would sing some chanty or something. And do you have something like this with the Taylor Swift? She's constantly doing stuff for us.
She sees us. That's another thing that's like.
But there's no formal club? Oh, there's no formal club that she's created, but there's formal, there's clubs which we have created as fans ourselves. And what if I wanted to join the club? You would absolutely be, yeah.
No, only if it was a formal club. I'm not just fucking around.
I want the Christmas record. She's not giving us any, no, she gives everyone equal stuff.
I don't think there's any club where you get like special releases or something. Do you want my prediction about the love affair? Yeah, I have one too, but I'm not going to share it.
But yeah. I think I've said this, Harvey Levin and I have a gentleman's bet about it.
He's got a dumper. It's just what guys like that do.
They get the fuck stink on them of like a celebrity woman,

and then they're a made man for the rest of their life,

and that's what's going to happen.

It's like, you know, Pete Davidson, as soon as he got with Ariana Grande,

he was a made man for the rest of his life.

And I feel like this is what's going to happen.

If I ruined your night. Quite possibly.
I think Travis is different. I think he's different.
I've met him. He's a very nice guy.
Oh, he's a charmer. He is a charmer.
He's very talented. I just don't think you let's, I think Taylor Swift doesn't, you just don't let something like that go.
He knows what he has. Spoken like a true cultist.
Truly. You don't get better than that.
Well, of course, you don't know what goes on. I mean, you only know her from afar.
Yes, yes, yes. I mean, no one knows what goes on.
I speculate all day, but yes, of course. In a relationship or what people are like.
I mean, why do you think he's stuck if he's the one? And all the other, I mean, there was the actor guy, the English actor guy, the other English actor guy, and wasn't the guy from 1975, didn't he have a cup of coffee with her? Yeah, but this guy is a, Travis is lucid. And of like, he's...
Lucid? The others weren't? Kind of, I would argue. The English actor dudes? They look very lucid.
No, okay. I can't speculate, but I think that...
I don't know. I can't say anything.
I can't. And it's not a cult.
But I swear, something horrible will happen to me if I speak ill of our leader. I mean, the rules are the same as Scientology, but it's not a cult.
It's so delicate that I'm like, I can't even talk. Because it's like...
I know what it's like to be treated... You know.
Well, to be treated like a suppressive person. You don't want to be a suppressive person.
I get it. Oh, I get it.
Oh, you do? Let's move on. No, really.
I don't want to put you— No, it is. I mean, you seem genuinely— It's honestly is that if you're a Swifty, like, you can't have anything bad to say.
And I honestly—I'm checking myself, and I'm like, I honestly don't have anything bad to say, but I definitely can't even, like, have a conversation around bad things. That is how much...
I was talking about the boyfriend, not, I mean, John Mayer and all the guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, those didn't work out because she didn't want them to. That's what I would say.
You know what? You've got to kiss a lot of frogs. And, I mean, like I said before, just like any other girl of that age, she's had a bunch of boyfriends.
Who hasn't? Who hasn't? Especially if you're an attractive girl like her. Yeah, and famous.
She makes her own money. And the kind of guys that are like coming at you.
She could pay for dinner. And everyone knows you're single.
Like, of course she's going to jump into something new. The second she gets single, it's on headlines.
People are DMing her, reaching out to her. You find someone new right away.
Most girls, they're single and they have to wait around on Bumble for weeks. Like, what do you even tell? Like, everyone knows.
And it's famous hot dudes who are so talented, who you may have had a crush on even before you were with that guy, who you may have watched their movies as a kid growing up. Like, it'd be so easy to just jump from guy to guy in Hollywood.
Of course. I'm looking to, but I got to be stuck with this guy for the rest of my life because he loves me.
For me, it's bullshit. Do you know who I could be dating right now? Oh, my God.
I could really, I could do well. Who? I mean, I don't know.
You could. But I could do well.
By the way, take this for what it means. You look the best I've ever seen you look.
Now, maybe you, I always have this thing I say about the Oscars. Yeah.
Like, it's the most attractive people. Very often the actresses are the most attractive, the Margot Robbie's of the world.
Yes. And they're tens.
And somehow on Oscar night, they find a way to turn it up to 11. Yeah, they find a way.
I don't know whether it's a colonic or like the things. It is.
Whatever it is. And you look like you turned it up to 11.
I did. Yeah, you just.
I had a lot of treatments this week. I saw the right knack there.
Okay. I saw the right guy.
I found out who to go to. Yeah, so you're right.
I got the secrets. You could definitely be half of a power couple.
I could. And you know what? That's how you become famous.
That's. It's it.
It's most of it. I have to, like, fucking work hard now when I could just go and date.
I could have done that. Yeah.
25, 20 years ago. There were upreaches.
And I was like, no, you know what? I'm not going to – and I knew it would help me a lot. But I'm not going to do this to this woman because a week later I'll be with some other woman out in a restaurant.
And then she'll be humiliated. I'm just not going to – it's just not going to end well.
Yes. And so I never did.
Oh, that's noble. Yeah.
Well, it was also self-preservation and it would come back and, you know, who wants an A-list woman mad at you? No, you're so right. Okay.
So, and I know I couldn't live up to it. So, but yes, like there are, this town is full of guys who want exactly what you're selling.
Famous, still hot, um, perfect cougar age. They love, this town is full of pretty boys who want someone 10 years older.
And who would introduce me as an older woman to a whole new audience. So I would be the...
Yes, it would be. It would be amazing.
Yeah. I gotta call Chris.
Poor Chris. Chris wants, if he's supportive of my career, he needs to step aside.
I mean, I love him, so I feel like it was a terrible thing to say. But it is true.
Let's do it. Let's act it out just as a fantasy because I think you could be with, let's see, who's available? Jake Gyllenhaal? I think he's in something.
I don't think I could get him, to be honest with you. I'm too.
Yeah, he's not big. A foul-mouthed comedian, I'm not going to get an A-lister.
I might get a young A-lister, but not an old. Maybe.
I don't know. I don't know either.
I really don't even. I just know that I could have some fun and be photographed with some people.
But I don't know if anything would last or anything. But that is a big part of it.
I mean. I remember Chris Evans.
Oh, yeah. Got with Jenny Slate.
Yes. Oh, that was so big for female comics that day.
That broke. We were like, we can do it.
He likes us for our personality? A guy like that? No, I mean, she's stunning. But I mean, it was still so...
So if that happens... Yeah.
Okay. I think we have to think of that as the model.
Yes. So if that happens, I don't know.
He's a newlywed, so he's not on the market. No, he's not.
Oh, you know. I think I know who you're thinking.
Listen, I thought about it too. I don't know what they, it must have spiked my drink.
No, it's awesome. So I can't think of his name, but he's like the new.
No, we don't need to say his name. I know, we both know exactly.
I'll show you a picture and you just say yes. Or wait, hold on, where's my phone? I can tell you what he was in.
Well, yeah. He was in, it was not really good, but he's a charming guy.
It was the lady from Euphoria. Okay.
Wait, wait, wait. Maybe we're not thinking the same person.
No. Who's the blonde? Sidney Sweeney.
He did a... Okay.
Yeah. That guy.
Yeah. That guy would put you into the stratosphere.
And he's a smart guy. He also wrote a movie with somebody that was good about a hitman or something.
Not that that's original. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was good. But they had an interesting take on it.
We liked it. Yeah.
And he's just... No, that's like the perfect kind of person that I'm like, huh, could I? And probably not, but it would- No, a lot of times- Jensen me.
You know what? And don't take this the wrong way. And of course, when someone- I can't wait for this.
Holy shit. I can't even wait.
What's this going to be? Whatever a comic says the words, don't take this the wrong- It's about to be the most offensive thing I've ever heard. It's really not.
Okay, no. I trust you great but a lot of times those kind of pretty boys they don't want the prettiest girl no and that's when i'm perfect it is i'm not i'm not a margot i'm nowhere close to it so let's get like they want yeah i think it would actually be the right thing yeah i'm a little off who have have we been working with on the road lately? You see comics more.
I don't see other comics. I don't.
I don't work with anyone on the road. I mean, I bring up my friends to open for me.
Right, like who are the up-and-coming comics I should be keeping in mind? Well, my friend just got, my friend who I brought out and who I feel like I partially discovered, he was like the guy, the guy who picked me up. I was doing the comedy attic and in Bloomington, Indiana, comedy attic.
Yeah. And Bloomington, great club in Bloomington, Indiana, years and years and years ago, probably eight years ago and 10 years ago.
And he picked me, he was the, he was the door guy that they sent to go pick you up at the airport. And he instantly was my friend on the car ride, hour and a half from Indy.
I'm just, I love this kid. I gave him a guest set that weekend.
I'm like, you do comedy? I don't even need to see it. You're great.
Let's do a guest set. He became my opener on the road for many years up until even recently.
And he just got cast on SNL. Oh! Emil Joaquin.
Wow. Yeah, so that was really exciting.
He's this young, 26, I think. And he's a cast member.
By the way, The Comedy Attic, I have to say, of all the comedy names, I've used four comedy clubs like The Comedy Barrel. Or Uncle Chuckles.
That was a pretty good one. Wait, Reister Teethers is one of my favorites.
Go Bananas. I think I worked at Go Bananas.
Oh, yeah, Cincinnati? Yeah. Oh, man.
I was in Atlanta last weekend at the lovely Fox Theater. I believe it's there.
And I played it many times. And for some reason, when I was driving in, I just was flooded with memories of the first time I played Atlanta.
Oh, yeah? What club? It was 1982. It was, what was it? I don't know.
But it was run by three Italian guys. And when I say Italian, I'm not saying that there were any connections to, but who knows, you know.
But it was 1982, and they were from Cleveland.

That's where they had, I think they had the comedy club in Cleveland.

But Cleveland is cold, and there were probably turf wars, and God knows where.

And they were like, let's find paradise.

In Atlanta.

In the South, where the women are easy, and it's warm.

And they opened this club, and it was like,

when the comedy was just first versioning like that. Right, right.

I think. or easy and it's warm and they opened this club and it was like the when the comedy was just first versioning like right right and so like the audiences were so good you know they were just they were like they had been starved for laughing you think they'd never laughed in their life so fascinating yeah they would you would never go somewhere just to laugh like it was oh they just and they you know, I remember doing it right before I did my first Tonight Show and thinking, oh, my God, I am the greatest comic who ever got on a stage.
You know, you just. And they were just, it's just because they were, you know, it was a new thing.
Mm-hmm. And I think we did three shows on the weekend nights.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
7.30, 9.30, and 11.30. Oh, my God.
Brutal. But you don't even remember what jokes you've done on the other shows, so you start almost repeating yourself.
That's a nightmare. A nightmare.
I have such a fear of that. I only did it once my whole life.
I do two shows at night sometimes. But it was so traumatic.
And I'll be in the middle of a joke and I go, did I already say this? And they're like, no. I'm like, oh, I'm too old to be doing two shows in a night.
And then you don't do jokes that you think you did. But if you do two shows, you have to stick to a script.
I know, and I don't have a script. Right.
I'm always just picking willy-nilly. That's how I do it.
Wow. And so, yeah, that's what I'll switch to.
See, you're a real artist. You just get up there and wing.
I do.

It's lazy.

I mean, it goes back to the same bits, right, that you've done.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's not off the top of my head.

No, that would be hell.

I'm not that kind of comic. But, yeah, it's all stuff that I've thought of before.

But it's just like I just pull from it as I go.

And, again, it's kind of like I was just talking about getting face stuff done. I like the I don't, I don't have a fucking safety net.
I don't have a set list written down. Like, what am I going to do? Like, and if I get too comfortable, I'll have a little weed before I go on stage.
Cause I go, then it's going to be really hard to figure out what I'm going to do next because I'm like high. And like, I like a little, I like the adrenaline of like, what's going to happen.
I could die. That's why I like, that's.
That's why I kill on, like, live, like, you know, doing, you know, couches on late-night shows, like, stuff where you have to have, like, a script memorized and you've got to nail it and it's live and everything can go wrong. I really thrive in those settings.
Well, I mean, that's when I first, you know this story, but, you know, I saw you do whatever was the ones you used to do. Yeah, yeah.
Bruce Willis or whatever. And I just said, okay, I mean, I've always been pretty good at spotting a talent.
Aw. And I was like, yeah, and then Tawaii.
But even before that, I mean, you can just tell who's got it. Oh, that's really.
But it is. The more I hear you talk about it, it is, I do think the two things are connected, the genius and the madness.
Because, you know, anybody who wants to live that much on the tightrope, that's, you know, you're going to be a little. You got to be a little crazy.
I don't do well with like safety. But I think the, what's his name?

You know.

You think I got a chance?

Yeah, definitely.

Because I think he, yeah.

Because those pretty boys, it's almost like the usual, the conventional male-female dynamic is very often reversed.

Because for them, it was easy always.

Right.

Most guys, it's the greatest sunum bonum in life is that you can get a girl who you want to have

sex with.

Sunum bonum. What did you just say?

The greatest good.

What was it? What did you say?

Oh, sorry.

No, I want to learn a new word. I like it.

It's Latin. It's sunum bonum means the greatest.

Sunum bonum?

Yeah.

All right. I like it.
I would have been listening to this podcast and been like,

what is that word? And looked it up and added it to my word-a-day calendar. I love learning new words.
Sorry. Jordan Peterson was here.
I'm still talking. No, I like it.
I yearn to talk that way. Anyway, it's like you mean the greatest good in life.
Yeah, yeah. And that was always like if you're not that pretty boy type or like a rock star or something, you know, you just never have had that automatic faucet turned on and it's just flowing out of it.
You're just like, every time you get any girl to like you, you're thinking this could be the last time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This could be the last time. Do you feel that way? No.
Do you still have that? No. But I did when I was that, when I was young.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.
Absolutely. But now, you know, it's endless.
I very often got with someone who I shouldn't have been with because I was like, I've had this, I remember no other girl might ever like me. I mean, that's really where, how painful it is to be that young and dumb.
So I need to take advantage of that. That's what you're saying.
I do think, yeah. Okay, all right.
I'll get out there'll get out there i think yeah so like something a

little challenging okay i have something new to bring up a couple's therapy this week different is the different guys like strange for a guy like that strange is not you know margot robbie he you know he's known that okay Okay. He, you know, but, you know, and also like.
Wait, are you friends with my boyfriend? Love him. Love him.
You're really selling this new story. Well, it wouldn't last.
We'll open things up. First of all, it wouldn't last for more than a year.
And then I shouldn't. He didn't have me back.
It would just give you the publicity for that year. Yes.
It would put you in the stratosphere. I think he'd be on board with this to be on the moon.
It would be a Saturn V rocket. Okay, yes.
And you just said you're bored with each other. It would be so hot.
Not anymore. So hot when you got back together.
Oh, my God. But, yeah, and of course this wouldn't last more than a year.
No. But it would be a great year.
And I think he'd have a great time. Yeah, he should go.
And it would be very hot while you're in it. It would.
I'm telling you. Okay, I'll consider it.
I truly would. I like how it's just up to me for this to happen.
I'll think about dating Glenn Powell.

Oh, that's him.

Because I know people are listening going,

well, who are they talking about?

That's him.

Well, there was this actress named Ellen Barkin.

Oh, yeah.

She was, I thought she was hot,

but she wasn't like the classic.

She got like hot in her 60s.

Okay.

You're okay.

It's so funny.

Exactly.

No, she didn't.

I mean, okay, what were you going to say?

I thought that's what you were going to say.

Sorry.

What were you going to say?

Well, she, I mean, I think you're a lot cuter than her.

And she was, I thought she was cute.

But she didn't, certainly did not have that classic look.

Mm-hmm. What were you going to say? Well, she, I mean, I think you're a lot cuter than her.
And she was, I thought she was cute. But she didn't, certainly did not have that classic look.
And she was the hot one. Everybody, you know.
Yeah. Yeah, she was.
And before that, there was a woman, when I was a kid, Karen Black. She kind of was cross-eyed, but she was sexy.
Okay, I'll work on that. I'm telling you from personal experience in life,

the absolute prettiest ones are not

always the ones

where there's the greatest sexual attraction.

Okay.

It doesn't make it

hotter.

A vapid model

who looks the best, it can be

like

death in bed.

Oh,

oh yeah.

I'm sure of it.

Right.

Not that I'm anything to.

No,

I think I'm pretty fun.

I think we all look at you and think.

Really?

Yeah,

I do.

You have a lot of masturbating fans.

I'm sure you do.

Okay.

That's nice.

I'm not like that.

Like I'm not anyone.

I don't really like to be on top because it just doesn't feel that good for me. I will for the person.
But I'm kind of a laid back, but I talk a lot. Guys like that.
Yeah. They like the domination.
Yes, I like that. Yeah, of course.
And that's the problem is that a lot of times men are attracted to what they see on stage with me. Of, like, ball buster, roaster.
And I'm like, in bed, I am the literal opposite. And see, that's even better.
Because it's like, she's a ball buster. She's a ball buster.
She's a ball buster. And then when I get my dick in her, she obeys.
Yes, daddy. Yes, exactly.
Yes. Okay, well, there's nothing hotter than that.
People Magazine, most beautiful person of the year, they're calling right now. Glenn Powell is on speed dial as we...
Where's my phone? All right, well, I'm going to let you get out to your parties because he's probably at one of these parties tonight. All right.
Right? From your mouth. I bet.
And you can tell them what we talked about.

I'm sure he'll see this clip.

And it'll prove it.

All right.

I love you, too. I love you, too.

I wish you could have been more open and forthcoming.

I'm sorry.

I'm not going to talk today.

Yeah, you know. I've been hurt before.
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