Nikki Glaser | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Speaker 1 Do you know who I could be dating right now?

Speaker 7 Oh my god.

Speaker 7 I could really, I could do well. Who?

Speaker 1 Club.

Speaker 7 I think I know who you're thinking.

Speaker 7 I've thought about it too.

Speaker 7 Hi.

Speaker 1 Honey, I'm home.

Speaker 1 It's so good to see you. Hi.
Hi. Good chill.
You look great.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 It's been too long. It has been.
It's probably right here, right? I think it was.

Speaker 7 The last time in person.

Speaker 1 Hi. What's going on?

Speaker 7 You know.

Speaker 1 I don't know. That's why you're here.

Speaker 1 What's been going on? I mean, I've certainly seen you.

Speaker 1 You know, I saw your Tom Brady roast, which you killed it.

Speaker 7 Thank you so much for referencing it on your show. That was so nice.

Speaker 1 I did.

Speaker 7 You did.

Speaker 7 It was a great moment. I got so many texts about it, and then I watched it myself.
Well, I mean, it was nice.

Speaker 1 There was a lot of heavy hits.

Speaker 7 You like stopped down to say nice things after you told the jokes.

Speaker 1 It was so cool. There was a lot of heavy comedy hitters there, and you wound up the star of it.

Speaker 1 That's a good moment in your career.

Speaker 7 Yeah,

Speaker 7 it was the moment. Like, I'm kind of at the point where I'm like, if nothing like that ever happens again,

Speaker 7 that's okay because it was so big. And

Speaker 7 it was just a culmination of, you know, you just get really lucky sometimes where hard work and preparation and uh chance come together and that was that that moment um it was just perfect you look tan i'm so tan i got a spray tan on top of a spray tan why because it makes me feel are you going to parties tonight yeah i'm going i'm like emmys parties i was nominated for an emmy that i didn't win last week at the creative arts emmys i was not going to go to the wme way if you want to go i'll go with you really yeah let's go to the party together is it tonight yeah i'll drop drop by that one.

Speaker 1 Where is it?

Speaker 1 I have to go to three other ones. Oh, man.
Why do you have to go?

Speaker 7 Because I RSVP'd and I want to get pictures. And that's just whole.

Speaker 1 That's part of all this stuff. You played.

Speaker 7 I paid, you know, $1,500 for a stylus to

Speaker 7 spend $800 for hair and makeup, $200 for a spray tan.

Speaker 7 You got to,

Speaker 7 and I'm not making money off these parties. I got to go get those pictures.
It's how you prove to people

Speaker 7 you're doing stuff.

Speaker 7 It's how people know, I mean, you get it.

Speaker 1 It's how people know that you're,

Speaker 7 where people go, you're doing so well. And I go, based on what? And they go, just Instagram.
And I go, yeah, that's a, it's kind of a lie.

Speaker 7 Like, I'll even look at my own Instagram sometimes and be like, she has it all.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 7 I really will and be like, wow, she's killing it. And I go, man, I got to remember that this is.
When I think that of other people, it's not the case, which we all know.

Speaker 1 Instagram is a lie. I mean, that's the whole point of Instagram

Speaker 1 is leading a virtual life.

Speaker 1 And it

Speaker 1 look, I'm talking out of my ass here because do I do anything with it?

Speaker 1 No. But I certainly know enough about the culture and people on it and what people do to know that

Speaker 1 and of course going by my own bits. Bits have to be true, don't they? You couldn't say anything that.
But I know I've done bits about that.

Speaker 1 You know, that the virtual world to a certain group of people, the younger set is just much more important than the real world. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's much more important to to look like you're having a good time than to actually being having a good time, which someone in my generation finds insane.

Speaker 7 Yeah. And I'm somewhere in between those two generations.
Yeah, you are.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 7 I'll feel it sometimes where I'm like, I'm having a genuinely good time and it's so glad that I don't have to document this. And then you

Speaker 7 think later on, you go, why didn't I? I need to tell, like, that was a waste of a good time because it wasn't documented. Like, I have that regret sometimes.

Speaker 1 I mean, that goes back to Madonna filming herself in Truth or Dare, which is when she was with Warren Beatty.

Speaker 1 We're talking about 1991 and Warren Beatty in that famous scene, he's in it for a minute, but he has the great line, like, why do anything if it's not on camera? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, and that was a long time ago, but that just shows that mentality is not new. Yeah.
It's just been brought to everyone.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 no wonder you kids are fucked up.

Speaker 7 No, I know. It's so fucked.

Speaker 7 And it's, and I was, I read something ages ago about it, and I found this really interesting is that people are so depressed about their lives because we're on the same platform.

Speaker 7 Like a person who's, you know, a housewife in the Midwest is seeing her little square on Instagram pop up on the same device that Kendall Jenners is or Kim Kardashian or whatever.

Speaker 7 So you don't think of them as like, they're famous. I shouldn't compare myself.
They're right next to me on this. So it's like they're my neighbor.

Speaker 7 Like we should compare ourselves to the people in our same, in our neighborhood, like keeping up with the Joneses, but we're not, we're trying to, you compare yourself to the next square you see, which is some, you know, billionaire.

Speaker 1 So does that mean that you want to have the same number of followers as the Kardashians? That would be a success.

Speaker 1 No, I don't, I'm really happy with how I am now.

Speaker 7 Like I'm really not looking to get any more famous.

Speaker 7 Like, of course, I'll take it because I want money, because I want to survive in the apocalypse and have like to be, or whatever happens, I want to be able to protect my family. Money's great friends.

Speaker 7 I want anyone in my family or loved one to get cancer and go, I'll take care of it. Don't worry about anything.
We're going to get the best treatment. That's what I'm stockpiling money for.

Speaker 7 That's what I want fame for. Um, because the pressure is not that fun, like to get more and more followers and not be able to go out and get recognized.
That's not that great.

Speaker 1 Money is good

Speaker 1 when you're sick. I mean, that is true, it makes a difference.
Uh, but also fame.

Speaker 1 Um, oh, yeah, doctors definitely

Speaker 1 try harder. You definitely want doctors who are fans.

Speaker 7 Yes.

Speaker 1 And not ones who are, certainly you wouldn't want one who wasn't a fan. Yeah.
Or even indifferent, I feel. It's like, you know, when I can find a doctor

Speaker 1 who can look up my ass and loves me already. And I just feel like it's going, like any place, like a restaurant, like anywhere, it's just going to be, why wouldn't you?

Speaker 7 It's not a dumb pursuit to want to be famous. I think it's

Speaker 7 described so much, you're so vapid if if you want to be famous, but it makes sense. You're more protected in society.
You're treated better.

Speaker 7 It's great.

Speaker 1 What kid of almost any age doesn't want to be famous? A lot.

Speaker 7 Like, and when you were growing up and you had dreams of this, did all of your friends have dreams of this too? Because mine didn't. Mine were like, that's not my life.

Speaker 7 And I go, why would you not want to be famous? Doesn't this...

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's because I think the other kids, I mean, you probably recognize in yourself, even when you're a kid, what your talents are, where some kids think they're going to be world-class athletes.

Speaker 1 Very few of them do, but some do.

Speaker 1 I was funny, and I was like, I always knew I was going to do this.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 this comes with fame if you do it well enough. Other people's dreams don't come with fame.
So why would you fantasize about it?

Speaker 1 Because you're not going to be like a famous anthropologist unless you're like the greatest one in the world. Yes.
I can name a few.

Speaker 7 I wanted to be like a marine biologist, but I was like, or work with animals in some way, but I was like, you can't be famous that way. So, and I wasn't good at acting.

Speaker 1 So you wanted the fame first.

Speaker 7 I think I just wanted to be on TV. I think ultimately I was always attracted to comedy.
And those are the people that I wanted to be, but I just didn't really know about stand-up comedy.

Speaker 7 And so you're lucky.

Speaker 1 Nikki, because that is ass backwards. You're supposed to like

Speaker 1 want to do the work and then, you know, get up there and go, the fame is just a byproduct. I wish it didn't happen at all, but it's the work, which is bullshit.
It's

Speaker 1 right. There's no shame in liking fame as long as it's from something and

Speaker 1 at least part of you feels that, no, I'm glad it came from the work and it's about the work first.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 you know, you're lucky that you actually were funny because to just want to be famous, a lot of people do, but they got nothing. Do I have family? They got nothing.

Speaker 7 I got nothing. No, you you have something.
No, I had nothing.

Speaker 1 Everyone has nothing to start.

Speaker 7 No, but I literally, like, I knew from a very early age, I want to be on TV.

Speaker 7 And I tried to act in high school and tried to go away to, and like, you know, I auditioned for all these theater schools, didn't get in any of them, like getting feedback, like, you're not good at this.

Speaker 7 But I wasn't passionate about it. Like, I didn't realize what it takes to be a good actor because you have to, like, like doing it.
I didn't like doing it. I just wanted to perform.

Speaker 1 You don't want to be an actor? No.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 7 No, to be honest honest with you. I mean, I'll do it if it's fun and it's the people I want to work with and it's like a quick shoot and it's not long, lonely days in Vancouver.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know what would be good for you? Like, you know, they do a lot of these ones with like a big cast and it's a murder mystery. Yes.

Speaker 1 Bring me on for a day or two.

Speaker 1 Well, probably a little more than that, but be one of the people who could have killed the motherfucker who's dead. Yes.
And let Daniel Craig figure it out or whoever, you know, is the dude.

Speaker 1 And, you know, let, I love the Kenneth Brano Hercule Perot movies that he does. Uh-uh.

Speaker 7 I don't know anything about those. What? I'm sorry.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Hercule Perot, you know who that is?

Speaker 7 Don't talk to me like I'm the hawk to a girl.

Speaker 1 Okay?

Speaker 1 I don't think most people,

Speaker 1 I'm not. He's a very famous

Speaker 1 detector. He's a very famous literary detective.
Okay. You know, Hercule Perrot.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Murder on the Orient Express, Death on the Nile.
They made these movies in the 70s.

Speaker 1 Now he's remaking them. Okay.
It's great because you can bring on 18 people.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, you'd be really good at that.

Speaker 7 Okay, that's what I'll do. Because, yeah, I just don't, it just seems like a lonely life to be an actor.
I don't like memorizing lines. I can do it.
I get nervous around really good actors.

Speaker 7 You know what I want to do is like a rom-com. I love rom-coms.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, that takes more. devotion, but you'd be great in that.

Speaker 7 I'd like to do it. I would devote myself to that.

Speaker 1 You could just, and you should, because, come on, on, who's kidding who? It's just better to build it around your personality as it already is. Yes, it would just be me.
You don't need me.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 7 Just like, I'm sorry, Jennifer Anston's Jennifer Anston in every movie, but she's brilliant.

Speaker 1 Almost everybody is.

Speaker 7 Almost everyone is.

Speaker 1 No, no. There's a level of actors who are the Daniel Day-Lewises of the world who are so horrible to work with.

Speaker 7 Or just obnoxious. You know, those characters, you know.
He might be.

Speaker 1 I don't have no idea. But as an actor.

Speaker 7 Christian Bales and the

Speaker 7 guy from succession, Kendall.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 7 You know, the guys that get into it and are the character the whole time. It's not fun to be around.
Right.

Speaker 1 But I mean, to be able to do like some of the things he's done, Lincoln.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 7 thank God for his talent.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, I wouldn't go that far, but

Speaker 7 I'm just saying. I wouldn't either.

Speaker 1 There's a level of actor that does that. I can be Lincoln, and then I can be the guy in, you know,

Speaker 1 Gangs in New York.

Speaker 1 And then there's most of the other ones who are, like you say, they're playing a version of themselves. Yes.
Meryl Streep can come out of a Holocaust situation. Most people can't.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, you just, there's just a lot. And so they don't try and they shouldn't try.
And they shouldn't. And you shouldn't try.

Speaker 1 I will not be doing any period pieces. That's right.

Speaker 1 That's my.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's, I want to play myself. And that would be any roles I ever get.
I'm just like, can she just be kind of like a sassy girl? And

Speaker 7 the girl's always a photographer, or

Speaker 7 what's the other job they give girls that are just like.

Speaker 1 You could do one of those murder mysteries, and it could be important to the plot for some reason when you have your period.

Speaker 7 Yeah, perfect. That's a period piece for me.

Speaker 1 So it would be slightly different.

Speaker 1 Different.

Speaker 1 I feel like we could weave that into a plot.

Speaker 7 I got to get this role before I stop getting mine.

Speaker 1 The detective knows that you are innocent because something with your...

Speaker 7 Oh, that's really good. Yeah.
And then someone says, but she doesn't get it anymore.

Speaker 1 She's carrying that apostle.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're too young and vibrant.
Are you still in love?

Speaker 1 How's that shit going?

Speaker 7 Yeah, I'm still in love. I'm more in love than ever.

Speaker 1 So great.

Speaker 7 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Oh, as we talked about last time, as I did my part, my little part in the

Speaker 1 beautiful plot with the Hawaii trip. And I feel like when the movie is made,

Speaker 1 that would be a significant act

Speaker 7 of our film is the Hawaii trip of

Speaker 1 your period on that trip, did you?

Speaker 7 I probably lied and said I did to avoid intimacy, but

Speaker 1 no,

Speaker 1 no, boy, you never know. No, no, I would never.

Speaker 7 I would never. No, I'm so in love.
I mean, but here's the thing, though, as you know, like

Speaker 1 it in the ass anyway.

Speaker 7 I do, but not even that anymore. Like, I'm just kind of going through a non-sexual part of my life, which is just tough to reckon with.
I got to get blood worked on.

Speaker 7 I got to like figure out why I'm like not normal anymore, this poor guy.

Speaker 7 But we're so in love. And like, I, I, I had a breakthrough recently with him where we were kind of maybe going to go our separate ways.
And then, um, again, I was just, I just stopped. Um,

Speaker 7 I, I, I just had an epiphany.

Speaker 7 Like, I just, it's so basic, but I just realized like no one I'm fantasizing about maybe replacing him with, or like, not even a real person I'm thinking of, no one's going to be perfect.

Speaker 7 And the things that aren't great about him are not me. It's him.
I don't need, he doesn't need to be perfect for me.

Speaker 1 And it was really just about acceptance.

Speaker 7 And we've just been so good ever since. He's become my creative partner.
Like, I've really brought him in.

Speaker 1 And so we're like, oh, he's such a funny guy. He's funny and he just handles all the stuff I don't want to handle.
He's a great producer. He's a producer.
Oh, I loved him.

Speaker 7 He's awesome. He loves you so much, too.
And so

Speaker 1 we're so happy. That's so delightfully honest the way you put that and the way you said that, because most people would not say what you said out loud.

Speaker 1 And everybody's thinking it, which is like, you said something something like, um, anybody I could replace him with. And that's something people just don't say out loud.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's something I thought a lot.

Speaker 1 And I'm sure he thought it about me.

Speaker 7 But, and,

Speaker 7 you know, because it's crazy that we're supposed to be with someone forever. Give me a fucking break.

Speaker 1 Look who you're talking about.

Speaker 7 I know.

Speaker 1 I know I'm preaching to the choir, but like, it's true.

Speaker 7 And he knows it's insane, too. Yeah.
And so we're just trying to

Speaker 7 be partners and figure it out.

Speaker 1 And anyone can see.

Speaker 1 it's so hard for the people right in the middle of the eye of the eye of the storm to see but i think the people on the outside certainly who see you we know this is the guy you you're gonna be with this guy forever yes and he's gonna be with you you are

Speaker 1 you could just tell it about some couples it's just like the electron and the proton or something there's a there's a connection i mean i really got lucky with him

Speaker 7 up my chemistry but no yeah but you're so right you're not going to do better i'm not and who are you going to replace him with justin bieber i mean anyone i thought of is like someone that would require too much attention kind of wants the spotlight he's totally fine with me being like the shiny one and supporting it and um and also like i just i we got into like a huge fight once which at a restaurant but like a fight that no one else was witnessing because we were at a restaurant i really recommend couples go to restaurants to like work on stuff because you can't get out of line if you're if you're not drinking except when they do drink except when they do and i've had that happen oh god it's not cool yeah no.

Speaker 7 We respect other people dining around us.

Speaker 1 I'm so glad I'm not 27. Oh, my God.
Wouldn't you go back to 27 even if I

Speaker 1 really? Well, I mean, because life is full of crazy shit like that.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, some girl like storming out of a restaurant and you following her.

Speaker 7 Did you used to do that?

Speaker 1 Oh, so I, you know, did I go out with girls who got super drunk? Oh, fair. And then when they got drunk, they relived every fight you ever had.
And yeah. Did guys with psycho girls?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because when you're young, if someone's sexy, you don't care about anything else.

Speaker 7 I know.

Speaker 1 If there's one thing that's so great to leave behind from your dumbass youth. Yes.
It's shit like that. Yeah.
So yeah, I mean, we've all been there. Well,

Speaker 7 I guess I have, when I drank, maybe I was there, but we got into a fight and he was just like.

Speaker 7 You know, I was talking about how I'm kind of bored in this relationship. I was just, it's hard for me to say, but I'm like, I'm kind of bored.

Speaker 7 and he goes i hate to say it but you're one of the most boring people i've ever met he said that to you yeah and i go and i laughed because it was the week after the roast and i was one of the most googled people in the world and so i was like oh really i'm boring but he what he knew he was being hyperbolic and i knew what he meant which is like i don't like to do stuff i like to do i like to work and when i'm i don't like to meet new people i don't like to go out and play sports and you know pickleball and like he's a very social person and i'm just not and he said and we later talked about it and I go I'm boring he's like it's not what I meant I go I know what you meant he goes here's the thing though I don't care that you are I love that you are I'm not throwing it in your face I'm just saying if you are bored it maybe has something to do with you but I don't care that you're boring but you are and I was like I that really hit me that I was like I am boring and I am a lot of things.

Speaker 7 Like, I don't like the outdoors. My family loves outdoors.
And I've always had shame about it.

Speaker 1 And she accepts me. You are not, you're assuming an assumption of what makes makes someone boring that I do not share.
Going outside, all activities.

Speaker 1 So funny, I just read a quote from some celebrity in the tab. It's because you know I read the tab.
Of course.

Speaker 1 I think it was Zoe Krabitz who was talking about when she first got together with Channing Tatum. And she said to him, almost what you were saying there.

Speaker 1 She said, I just want you to know, I don't do stuff. I don't do activities.
I don't do that.

Speaker 1 And I thought, I totally get that. I don't do a lot of activities either.

Speaker 1 My days of like traveling, except for stand-up really i'm not no i'm not going to paris again i've seen it three times yeah i could give reviews you know i

Speaker 1 i get what's great and i i i'm just not going back i'm so exhausting and happy we're in my house and maybe that's i like what i like yeah i like what i like i go to the same restaurants i don't like to take chances i i i have enough friends if i need to make new friends i will see that's what i'm saying what makes life boring to me isn't that i'm not hiking it's that the people I'm talking to, whoever they may be, friends, girlfriend.

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Speaker 1 Terms apply.

Speaker 1 The conversation is,

Speaker 1 well, you know, this also, maybe you see each other more than I would see a certain person because I feel like that's the key there is like, if you're together enough,

Speaker 1 you run out of conversation.

Speaker 1 I've tried to

Speaker 1 fix my life so, you know, that doesn't happen by

Speaker 1 in basketball they would call it, you know, time management or like fatigue management. They don't play the players every game now.
Yes. It's like, no, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 There's nothing wrong with LeBron, but he's got a, he needs a rest, okay? And I feel like that makes you better in the long run.

Speaker 1 But as long as the conversation, I don't want to go to, I'm the one who's like, no, I don't want to, that's it, because wherever we are, unless we're like having a good time talking about it, whether it's watching a movie or looking at the Grand Canyon, then I might as well be alone.

Speaker 1 Yes. And I don't want to go to the Grand Canyon alone.
Yep.

Speaker 7 That's when I'm bored is really based on conversation and how

Speaker 7 open people are willing to be and how honest is really.

Speaker 1 Because everything else, when you're not totally honest, it's just lateral motion. Oh, it's

Speaker 1 an offshoot, but it's not this most exciting thing, which I guess to people like us is just, yeah, you're right. I'm the same way.
Move forward. Yes.
Like what's new? What's realer?

Speaker 1 And sometimes that can be hurtful.

Speaker 7 And I like to debate a lot.

Speaker 7 I like people more after I've gotten into a disagreement with them. And some people really don't understand that.
And they think I'm mad at them. And they take it as really hostile.

Speaker 7 I've had to like pull back on it, but I realize that's how I connect with people is being like, so you think that. Okay, well, let's examine that.
No, no, no.

Speaker 7 I really want to like, and oh man, people can shut down. I've lost some friends over it because they're like, Nikki's too much.

Speaker 1 You and I would be terrible together.

Speaker 7 Oh, we've debated before, but it's good because you like it.

Speaker 1 But I'm just saying, like in a girlfriend, that's like the

Speaker 7 other one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I couldn't. It would just,

Speaker 7 yeah, we would. I'm too old.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. It's not that.
Well, that's mainly it.

Speaker 1 It's it's that.

Speaker 1 And by the way, neither one of us is thinking of replacing.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, personality-wise, that's like the opposite of what could ever work for me. Really? Yes.
I'm a

Speaker 1 friend. I am what my mother used to call a pipe and slippers guy okay i didn't think i'd become one but uh that's what you are yeah i like comfortable i don't like

Speaker 1 do i i love to be told new information yes i totally don't mind being told i'm wrong if you don't do it like an asshole and if you can show me why it's like oh great i'm yeah i thank you for uh stopping me at this moment of my life before i went out and said that yes to more people who would all think i'm stupid so thank you and that happens it does so it's not about that or ego it's just like I just like to be comfortable and and just tone and yeah I would never talk to my boyfriend like I just talked by the way oh you think that like oh you don't I'm very respectful like I think that's really important in a relationship is that there's just I you know I've never thought I'd be someone that was like you respect your man but like I really

Speaker 7 now more than ever just like so respect him and so I've I would never talk in that tone because I think my parents talked in that tone a lot. Sorry if you're listening, parents, but you did.

Speaker 1 Who else gets that tone from you? D-listers? No, just like my friends. Friends.
Like I say, D-listers. D-listers?

Speaker 7 My friends for sure. Like, and, you know, new people I meet, other, like, other comics.
I would say young comics that I'm kind of just like trying to rattle. I would say maybe I have that.

Speaker 1 Oh, they must be shitting their pants when they meet you. Isn't that something you went from the young comic? Not that you're not.
I was going to say, when did that sound?

Speaker 1 Like the person who now they're shitting in their pants when they meet you.

Speaker 7 Oh, God, the other night there was a girl that was in the green room at the comedy store, just like, I just want to say, like, being in your like aura, like, I just feel like I'm funnier.

Speaker 7 And I was like, I haven't said anything. I'm in my phone.
I'm scrolling.

Speaker 1 Like, there's nothing, but she was like, no, but she's talking about your work.

Speaker 7 It was really, really sweet. Like, it was, it was so nice.

Speaker 1 Your last special was awesome.

Speaker 1 I thought you did. I did.
You wrote to me. Thank you.

Speaker 1 I wish there was a better memory for specials. I remember you at the end.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I was acting at the specials.

Speaker 1 But I mean,

Speaker 1 so many bits I loved. And also, I mean, you know, it had a kind of a build that was very, you know, I feel like you took it to the next level.
Thank you.

Speaker 7 Thank you. I really learned a lot watching you, especially.

Speaker 1 You were just

Speaker 7 so many.

Speaker 7 So many just great points made so perfectly comedically, but like also being intellectual about it, trying to say something.

Speaker 7 You know, you want to have those like kind of messages that change the way people look at things.

Speaker 7 But you also want to be funny. It's just, it's, it's hard to balance both of those.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, you're, it's kind of like this discussion we're having here, your honesty about especially the subject that is most,

Speaker 1 most sensitive of any, because when you think about it,

Speaker 1 you know, the person who you let in as a lover now is potentially, just by that act of letting them in and loving you and loving them, just by that, they are now your worst potential enemy, potential.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Because they have things on you

Speaker 1 and ways to hurt you that no one else does.

Speaker 1 So if it doesn't work,

Speaker 1 or if it works partly by this mingled into the relationship, that's what Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf is about. The Taylor Burton movie, you know, the one? Yes.

Speaker 1 It's a famous movie they did in the 60s when they were. I've heard heard of the marriage.

Speaker 1 When they were married, Elizabeth Taylor was,

Speaker 1 you know, the Angelina Jolie of her day. I mean, nobody was bigger.
And Richard Burton was like her fifth husband or something. I mean, she was like,

Speaker 1 the paparazzi were kind of invented for her. Oh, that's right.
Yeah, I mean, she was the original of that.

Speaker 1 So she and Burton, they met on Cleopatra. She left her husband at the time on the movie she's making.
And it was the most expensive movie in the world at the time, like a million dollars.

Speaker 1 And she was having like the chili from Chasin's flown in from Beverly Hills to Cairo. I mean, it was, you know, it was really, it was all.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, they made this movie, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Black and White.

Speaker 1 I think she got the Oscar for it.

Speaker 1 And it's just a couple who

Speaker 1 they are just

Speaker 1 always

Speaker 1 saying the worst things things to each other, but it's also what keeps them together.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's an amazing study. You'd like that.

Speaker 7 I definitely should watch that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And, you know,

Speaker 1 he's a professor, and so he's not really doing well, and he doesn't really turn her on. And she flirts with other guys in front of him and belittles him for his achievements.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, he just takes it.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 7 That just sounds awful.

Speaker 1 Too close. Yeah.

Speaker 7 I mean, I could could have been in something like that. But yeah, we go to couples therapy now, and that has been the most helpful thing.

Speaker 7 I never thought he, I mean, he never would go to therapy on his own. I was in your show.

Speaker 7 And then we did it on our my reality show just like as a bit for the show. You know, you got to go do shit on the show when you're someone who doesn't know.

Speaker 1 Wait, it's called a reality show. Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Speaker 7 I'm saying that it was invented for the sake of the show for us to go. But we still see that same therapist from the show that we went to as like a bit for the show.

Speaker 7 You know, three years later, we still go to her. her and we go every week, whether we're doing well or not.
Because we used to just go in for checkups and now we go in just consistently.

Speaker 7 And it's just like,

Speaker 1 what is, what is the ref do in this situation?

Speaker 7 We literally just, she goes, how are you guys doing this week? And then we will not have said any of this shit to ourselves because no matter how much we're like, let's get ahead of it.

Speaker 7 And just like, next time, let's not let it pile up.

Speaker 7 It will have piled up because it's hard to say things in the moment when your feelings get hurt and the person's busy and you don't want to bring it up.

Speaker 7 So we, we get a list of things that we go in with and then we just air them out.

Speaker 7 And it gets like to the point where it gets a little bit, it can get a little ugly, not ugly in terms of being mean, but like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Speaker 7 You think that like both of us being like, how could you ever think that I would say?

Speaker 7 And no matter what, we always leave like so in love with each other, even if it's not resolved because we've just said the truth and we both somehow are able to see each other's sides of things.

Speaker 7 Like I just have really worked at being like,

Speaker 7 think how he feels in this moment. Like he's not trying to be mad at you for no reason.
Like you actually hurt him. He's hurt.
Validate that.

Speaker 7 Like whether or not he has reason to be hurt in your mind, he's hurt. And so try to understand what that would feel like.
And that's really helped me to just like really stop and

Speaker 7 actually try to have empathy, not just sympathy. Like literally, what would it feel like to be dating Nikki Glaser and have her say that whatever it is? I'm like, oh yeah, that would be shitty.

Speaker 7 I can see, we can both empathize with each other. And, and um

Speaker 7 and you know i just it's it's it's the best i recommend it to everyone i would have never thought it would be so helpful but it is it's really it's saved us how does it then uh affect the sex life like when you come out of those sessions is it you want to like tear each other's clothes yeah kind of but yeah we're kind of like oh you're so cute like you got so like i'm very horny for like him being emotional and him being vulnerable and and so i'm usually kind of like horny for him but then it's it's always at like 1 p.m on a wednesday and we have to to like jump into meetings.

Speaker 7 So by the time it's like nighttime, it's fading.

Speaker 1 So do you think there'll ever be a time when you won't need a third person to hold this dick to make this happen?

Speaker 1 No, I think we will always need a little, like, I always will need a trainer.

Speaker 7 Like, I'm never going to work out on my own and do the things I need to do, even though I could, I know what to do, but I'm never going to do it. I need someone to tell me what to do.

Speaker 7 Like, for me to be in the best shape of my life, I need to go to classes and I need a trainer. I won't do it on my own.

Speaker 7 So I just feel like, yeah, I think I'll always, we'll always have this chick as our third.

Speaker 7 And yeah, it's just, but who's to say that will last forever? Like, I think that's the other thing that made me feel so much more comfortable in this: is like,

Speaker 7 it doesn't have to be forever. Like, it's just for now.
But, but, do you

Speaker 1 think being an alcoholic? Just for today. Maybe this is a crazy idea.
Okay. But just to go in the complete opposite direction and say, you know what?

Speaker 1 Maybe we're overthinking the whole thing and we're, you know, just

Speaker 1 sort of

Speaker 1 institutionalizing

Speaker 1 normal goings on in life, weekly checkups, like

Speaker 1 it's a week, it happened, let's go on, figure out what

Speaker 7 shit piles up and resentments pile up. And if you don't air them out, they will pile up over a year and then one little thing will set off this thing and then

Speaker 7 he'll start, you know, like I will be mad at him about one thing he did that he doesn't even know he did. Then I'll kind of move this way.

Speaker 7 And then he'll sense me moving that way and then he'll move this way.

Speaker 7 And then I sense that and then I I move that way and there's no there's no way to get back together unless one of us breaks the dam and I guess but you can't do that at home in the background

Speaker 7 you know honey you've been kind of distant the last couple of days did I do something like you can't just do that without yes and we do do that but I think having a third person just makes it feel safe for both you get a ruling we get someone who like you can't say crazy shit when a person is like she takes sides no but she she she will be like nikki you sound like you like the last week she was just like nikki you kind of just shut down and just said sorry and it doesn't feel like you it just felt like you were just and i go well of course i'm just gonna say yeah sorry i won't do that again because you heard him he never reads a situation wrong so if he never reads this like she kind of had my back in this moment she saw a moment that he might not have seen and made me kind of stand up for myself it's just we both uh do you ever get mad and argue the call like you know like like earl weaver back in the 70s go out there and kick

Speaker 1 dirt yeah i can't believe you said that he was right about that and then you get thrown out of the session

Speaker 7 no but we sometimes we fight so much and she's like guys guys it's screaming over us but i i generally i i'm not trying to sound like pat myself on the back here.

Speaker 7 I go so that he feels represented because I want him to have someone on his team because he's new to talking about his feelings.

Speaker 7 He's new to like exploring the reasons why he might be doing these things. I've been doing this shit since I was 18 years old, like in therapy, picking apart why I act the way I act.

Speaker 7 I'm more versed in it. So I like that she's there for him.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 it's okay not to be perfect with finances. Experian is your big financial friend and here to help.
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Speaker 9 Hey, what's up, Flies? This is David Spade, Dana Carvey. Look at, I know we never actually left, but I'll just say it.
We are back with another season of Fly on the Wall.

Speaker 10 Every episode, including ones with guests, will now be on video. Every Thursday, you'll hear us and see us chatting with big-name celebrities.

Speaker 9 And every Monday, you're stuck with just me and Dana. We react to news what's trending viral clips follow and listen to fly on the ball everywhere you get your podcasts

Speaker 1 like take someone like me who does none of this do you think i'm probably up because i haven't looked under

Speaker 7 no i don't you just think it's a different it's some people do it this way and some people do it yeah i just think i mean i think it would help if you were in a relationship that was like having the same issues over and over there's no question it would help it can only help it wouldn't hurt and so i think that it's just yeah yeah, it's just a different way of doing things.

Speaker 7 But if I would absolutely recommend it to anyone, I don't think it's like meditation.

Speaker 7 Like it's not going to be horrible if you don't do it, but it really will add a lot and you won't know until you do it. I mean, at least that's what I've heard about meditation.
I don't do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I used to.

Speaker 7 I was on Sam Harris's app, like addicted to it for a while.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 7 And I got away and then I just loved that app. It's so good.
When I was doing it, things were good.

Speaker 1 Where did you stop?

Speaker 7 That's a good question because I,

Speaker 7 you just get scared of it. You get scared of sitting in silence.
You get scared of, you know, I don't have the time for it. It's like any excuse of like all the things that make you feel.

Speaker 7 You get scared. You get scared of being alone with your thoughts.
If you're someone who's like running depressed and anxious, but

Speaker 1 the whole point of it, maybe. Is to not have thoughts? Correct.

Speaker 7 Bill. No.
Okay. Here's the thing about meditation that I know.
And I think Sam would back me up on this is that you are having thoughts.

Speaker 7 It's the ability to see those thoughts and go, oh, it's a thought and just kind of let it go past. Right.
So you're having thoughts the whole damn time.

Speaker 7 And sometimes you're going to, yeah, it's the whole time.

Speaker 1 Well, there's ways. Look, here's how I, again, I'm not the best at this, but I can, especially if I need to go to sleep.
I can do this. Like, first, I imagine, first of all, I remind myself of what.

Speaker 1 the brain is, which is, yes, thoughts are always incoming, incoming, incoming.

Speaker 1 And they can be random and they can be like about the song you heard in the morning and then it can be about what I have to do with the show tomorrow and then it can be about this person.

Speaker 1 They're just incoming. Yeah.
I picture myself like in a room and they're all incoming and I'm just like, okay, I push them.

Speaker 1 Okay. I'm just, I'm not, you guys, I'm not killing you or hurting you.
I'm just pushing you back. So healthy.
So just to just to know where I am. And then

Speaker 1 I, I, I, you know, you do have a,

Speaker 1 that boring thing, your mantra, you're not supposed to say, but it's just something so if you have a song stuck in your head, no, you're not saying you're just saying the same word over and over again.

Speaker 1 That's boring. And then, you know, if you close your eyes, you don't see blackness.
What you see is like patches of light, and it looks to me like the universe.

Speaker 1 And I imagine, oh, it's a complete recapitulation of the universe. It's just a little patch of light against the complete blackness, but that's probably, you know, a fucking galaxy forming.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And so, like, all this boring shit that's like, and now,

Speaker 1 if there's a day that's going on where there really is something troubling, I am definitely not good enough to keep that thought.

Speaker 7 Right.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, but in a normal day, I can, because it is just, and what I try to tell myself at the beginning is whatever these thoughts in that are coming in, just remind yourself from the beginning,

Speaker 1 you probably won't be thinking about them at all in a week. Yes.

Speaker 1 Maybe not tomorrow. Yeah, maybe not.
definitely not

Speaker 1 in a year. Yeah.
So, you know,

Speaker 7 I've been having this thing lately where I've, and I've suffered with it forever, but just instant regret of

Speaker 7 why didn't I, it's usually with work things like, oh my God, it could have been so much funnier if I would have told Bill that story or said that quick.

Speaker 7 Oh my God, there's a line I had that was perfect. That would have been so perfect.
It would have been clipped and it would have gotten a million views. And I'll beat myself up about it.

Speaker 7 And I just lately, and I can spiral on those.

Speaker 7 Lately, I've just been like, you have to put that podcast away it happened and there's you don't get to open it again it's I mean you don't get to I just came from taping real time

Speaker 1 that's every Friday night is I could have said or I should have said

Speaker 1 what do you do with that exactly what you're talking about you have to it's tough you know if you're a perfectionist and you want the show you know I always want the show to be as perfect as it could be.

Speaker 1 Okay, so yeah, you're like, oh, damn. And I feel almost like personally bad to the audience.
Like, oh, I could have given you this

Speaker 1 letter and they don't know it.

Speaker 7 And people go, they loved it. And I go, but they don't know how much they could have loved it.

Speaker 1 They would have loved it even more.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 You really want to be there for them. Yes.
You want to be their hero. So it's like, I feel like,

Speaker 1 was I denied? Yeah, absolutely. The audience loved the show.
You could just tell. And it was a great show.

Speaker 1 Al Franken was there. Lots of funny stuff.
A lot of funny stuff to talk about.

Speaker 7 So much this week.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But yeah, you're going to have those moments or in not just in our professional life. I have it in my personal life.
I'm at a party and I leave. Oh, I should have.

Speaker 1 And the French have an expression for this. It's called l'Express Escalier.
Escalier, stairway. Yes.
And it means literally the thought you have on the stairway. Oh, God.

Speaker 7 As you're leaving. And then you pause.

Speaker 1 The apartment, like, oh, I should have. Oh.

Speaker 7 I'll get like a feeling through my body that kind of just like radiates like a pain. Like Chris will sometimes in bed, I'll just go, oh, and he'll go, what?

Speaker 7 I go, I just should have said this thing that I didn't. And there's a great joke that I just left there.

Speaker 1 You just got to tell yourself, nobody wins 11 to nothing. If you win at all in life,

Speaker 1 seven to five. I know.
You know, and so

Speaker 1 you got to leave it on the table. I know.
I can't either.

Speaker 7 And there's nothing you can do. Like, just let it go.
Because if there's something you can do right now, like, do it.

Speaker 7 But, like, you know, there's been time that once in a while you can say it next week.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 7 And that's what I've learned is like, just store it away from the next time or just tell it anecdotally. I could have said this thing and then it's funny.

Speaker 1 They're gone because it was of the moment. Yes.
And there's no way to get it back.

Speaker 1 But, you know,

Speaker 1 look,

Speaker 1 I've never been the type of comic who deliberately writes. You know, that's like some comics, that was their thing.
Maybe you do it that way.

Speaker 7 No, I do not.

Speaker 1 I don't either. I never have.
Right. There is no record of my work anywhere.
Really? You don't write it down?

Speaker 7 I write it in my phone. Like, I jot a note in my phone, but I don't write like a sentence.
Okay. Wait, what do you do? You write.

Speaker 7 Yeah, you have notes.

Speaker 1 I just, yes, I've always tried to be vigilant about when I, you know, we are

Speaker 1 just fucking around and thinking of and just getting high, really,

Speaker 1 and something funny comes up. Yeah, write it down.
Just write it down a little cocktail napkin. That's all I have dreams of cocktail napkins.
Do you put it in your phone? You're a phone guy?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no. Old school.
Old school guy. Computer.
Then I put it in the computer. Okay.

Speaker 7 But at a party,

Speaker 7 you just find, like if you sit.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to do it. I mean, there was a time in my life when I was always doing it.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 7 We know that guy.

Speaker 1 When I was first starting, I had two, not just one, but two

Speaker 1 little mini tape recorders. Remember the ones with the

Speaker 1 in each of my jacket pockets? Because I would, if I was doing an hour.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah. Oh, it would run out.

Speaker 1 So I'd have to find, somehow on stage, turn one off and turn the other one off.

Speaker 1 And I tried to do it surreptitiously, too. Like, you know, just,

Speaker 1 well, I was obsessive about like listening back to every set.

Speaker 7 That's so good. Everyone should be, and they'd be great.

Speaker 1 Those days ended a long time ago, but I don't need to do it at all.

Speaker 7 But yeah, you don't.

Speaker 7 So when you come up with something on stage now, what happens?

Speaker 7 Are you recording it? Do you go back and listen to it?

Speaker 1 No, I go over the set immediately when I get off stage, and I usually remember if there is something, and then I get a transcript and see it.

Speaker 7 Okay, I'll do that. I usually just tell the audience, hey,

Speaker 7 will you guys just DM me the words lobster ravioli? I'll know what it means. Like, I'll literally tell them because I go, I won't remember that otherwise.

Speaker 1 But it's, and then I mean, some bits, I just, lots of bits, just I would need one word because there's no like bad way I can say it. Yes.

Speaker 1 There are other ones that it really depends on like almost the most precise order of the words and stuff. And if you say it wrong, it just is not going to have the same effect.

Speaker 1 Those you kind of have to say. You have to script out.
Yeah, I do. Yeah.

Speaker 7 I do that eventually when I'm doing a special because then I bring in people to like actually help produce it. And there's like,

Speaker 7 where's the script? And I go, I don't have one. And they go, we need one.
And then you start typing out and go, oh, this is a mess unless I have it exactly worded the right way.

Speaker 1 The way I edit comedy, mine and the writers is just like trying to be aware of like with comedy,

Speaker 1 you can't go from A to C or D. Like you're feeding them a certain amount of information.
Sometimes they need very little to get started. Johnny Depp got divorced.
Yes, okay, that's all we need.

Speaker 1 Yes. We don't need to explain a lot.
You're so right.

Speaker 1 But you can't go from that to whatever.

Speaker 1 You have to feed them this. Okay, now I've got this, and then I have this grasp on this, and now I can hear the punchline.
But sometimes that's all out of order.

Speaker 7 No, I think the biggest mistake that I see for myself or other comics when a bit doesn't work is not that the audience didn't think it was funny, they just lost the thread, they don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 You lost them, right?

Speaker 7 You know what you're talking about because you've told us a thousand times. They need more details to get to where you're at.

Speaker 1 Or they are sometimes more, but also what sometimes fucks up a joke is too many. Too much.
Too much.

Speaker 1 They don't need that much. Yeah.
You know,

Speaker 7 that sucks because your ass goes from 30 minutes to 12 when you cut out all the fat. That's happened to me.

Speaker 7 I just remember being told by like a, you know, a veteran comedian early on, just tell the joke.

Speaker 1 Right. Tell the joke.

Speaker 7 I was like, I don't know what that means, but it was just because I was talking too much in the setup. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 7 The quickest amount. Like people that just go up and ramble.

Speaker 7 Your first joke should always be the smallest to me i'm so scared about getting that small yeah the first joke i want to laugh as soon as possible yeah so what do you do what do you use i mean i used to use like i just turned 35 in june of 2017 you know like something like that that just kicks you like your age is never going to be something that you can't go then talk about what's going on you know some kind of very quick thing when i i remember as a starting out comic i hated it because unlike now where you're a known quantity you don't have that awkwardness at the beginning, like, who the fuck are you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. You know, it's just

Speaker 1 a rotten feeling. A bunch of people looking at you at a comedy club.
They just went to see comedy. Yes.
Who the fuck are you? And you're right.

Speaker 1 You want to, my opening line in like the late 80s, I think, was like, I'm from the East.

Speaker 1 And then I would just say like Japan or something.

Speaker 1 Wasn't that funny?

Speaker 1 No, that is funny. And then I said it funny, I think.
I mean, it'd be like, the Osaka area. I'm from Back East.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm from Back East, Japan. Something like this.
That's so good. And I need to bring that back.
And then I would go right into, I think,

Speaker 1 my impression of a New York City cop at the crucifixion. That was my second joke.
Shozo.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. That's so fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 7 And that gets them right away. I mean, those two are are like,

Speaker 7 it's like.

Speaker 1 And it took me like years to get just, you know, like, I don't know, two or three years before like I even figured that out.

Speaker 1 Just do something right away.

Speaker 7 Right away that makes them trust you.

Speaker 1 Don't fumfer.

Speaker 7 They don't, because they have no trust in you when you first walk up there. The second that they like, you can feel them relax.

Speaker 7 Comedy is just about making, because everyone in the audience is like, I can't believe they're just talking.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm so nervous for them.

Speaker 7 I would never want to do this.

Speaker 7 Just, you have to remember everyone's feeling that tension for you, no matter how good you are. I mean, maybe, maybe at our level, they're not.

Speaker 7 They know we're going to do a good job. But I think even then, the audience, whenever I go to CP, I project onto the performer and go, is she nervous? What's she thinking?

Speaker 7 And like the second you can just let them know, like, I've got this. I'm in control.

Speaker 1 They relax. I mean, I think some people have that feeling.
I think you're giving a lot of people a lot more credit than me.

Speaker 7 Yeah, maybe I just like.

Speaker 1 I think a lot of people are, first of all, like in a comedy club zen. Yeah, you're right.
Some of them are rooting for that because it's interesting.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's a good point.

Speaker 1 And other people are just like, I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I went to the comedy store recently and/or improv.
I've dropped in on each of them sometimes now. Do you do a set? No.

Speaker 7 You're just going to watch?

Speaker 1 It's so much fun. It is.
It's funny. Comics are funny.

Speaker 7 Why don't you do a set?

Speaker 1 Why are you never doing sets around town? I don't know.

Speaker 7 Because you don't need it.

Speaker 1 I don't need it.

Speaker 7 But isn't it fun to do

Speaker 1 at a comedy club? Yes, Bill.

Speaker 1 It is, I promise you, you need to be the one spots. Sometimes this was late.
There was like 40 people in the audience. I don't need to, no, I don't need to go to Gold's Gym to work.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 Okay, so you just drop in on shows and just sit there.

Speaker 1 But you don't drop in like anyone else. I go up to the show.
You just go in. You get a ticket.
I don't get a ticket.

Speaker 7 They let me in. Okay, yeah.
And then you just sit and you watch.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, my God.
I'll watch for like an hour. I love that.
Like, I'll be out to dinner with some people and I'll be like, I don't want to go home. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we're not going to go to a movie or, you know, sadly not a bar anymore. And, you know, we're not going bowling.

Speaker 7 Wait, why sadly not a bar?

Speaker 1 Because I drink. No, I don't really drink.
I think I'll have a drink now. Okay.
But mostly I don't. And I certainly wouldn't drink after dinner.
Yeah, okay. I mean, I never did that.

Speaker 1 That would, that's, you're really a drunk if you do that because

Speaker 7 you mean with dinner is when you drink.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Well, no, no, I used to, and when I was a real drinker yeah me would i would drink before dinner because you want to drink on an empty stomach because it works it works so much better so much better so to me like as soon as you had the food your night was over because the kills your buzz so many times i'd be out to dinner with people

Speaker 1 and like

Speaker 1 I'd have a drink before dinner, probably a second one, and then the food would come. Everybody's eating, and I don't want to lose my buzz.
And like the meal is over for everybody, and I'm not touched.

Speaker 1 and the waiter goes over and says was there something wrong sir

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 no nothing's wrong i'm just a slow eater and then i would either wolf it down or take it to go but it was deliberate so you wouldn't lose your buzz

Speaker 7 totally deliberate were you an alcohol you did you have a problem no that sounds like someone has a problem if they're like trying like

Speaker 1 i don't think you have a problem i'm not confusing you i know you don't have a problem i've been around you too much and you're too successful well now i have three drinks a week so i my problem is i can't drink because I'm too old to,

Speaker 1 you know, when you're 68 years old, you just, you're on a short lease. No, you can't.
That's the only reason.

Speaker 1 And I never had a problem. A problem is like, I can't stop.
It affects my work. I had a problem like any normal person.

Speaker 1 Like, I drank too much because I could get away with it, had a great time, also made me act like a douchebag sometimes.

Speaker 1 But I was at 35, I was probably still going to act like a douchebag anyway.

Speaker 7 What? No,

Speaker 7 I get what you're saying.

Speaker 7 I wish I could. I stopped drinking 12 years ago, and I would love to be someone that just has one or two.
And I think I could,

Speaker 1 but I just can't.

Speaker 7 I just don't want to test it. Like, I just, I'd rather not even try

Speaker 7 because it's just too risky. There's too much to lose.

Speaker 1 It's so funny because I feel like I know your parents now, and I know your upbringing, I know your house, and I know that life, you know, I mean, middle class,

Speaker 1 great, nice people, kind of mid-American

Speaker 1 white girl life. I'm like, why all these issues?

Speaker 7 It's like, don't know.

Speaker 7 It's so annoying and it's so,

Speaker 1 it's connected to your talent. You know, people who are very talented, who have that thing, know it's sometimes connected to a little bit of madness.
Yeah. You know, you, Hitler.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying there are people like you, like who are like, they were a genius at some things, like he was with commanding a crowd,

Speaker 1 like trump

Speaker 1 not saying trump's hitler no you're not no hitler actually fought the russians

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 but yeah you got to be a little yes it's there's there's constant uh discussion of that the connection between madness and genius charlie chaplin who of course is almost a doppelganger for hitler you know they were born the same year oh wow they became phenomenons well charlie earlier but i mean like, like

Speaker 1 a level of mass

Speaker 1 adoration that very few people have ever witnessed. We're seeing one now in Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1 But Chaplin was maybe the first show person who had that kind of like... Oh, wow.
Oh, yeah. Like when he went to London after, I mean, when he was at that level of the same,

Speaker 1 the headline, I think, in the London Times was just Chaplin. You know, he was just in town.
It was just, and he was.

Speaker 7 What was his crazy

Speaker 1 12-year-old girls for one? No, Charlie Chaplin. I didn't know that.
Oh, yeah. Charlie Chaplin was.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. I mean, of course, this was in an era where nobody

Speaker 1 did anything about it. Yeah.
Oh, he married them. I mean, they, you know, I think there was a couple of suicides.

Speaker 7 I can't believe I didn't know that. He isn't, I don't think he's been publicly canceled for that yet.

Speaker 1 Charlie Chaplin? Yeah.

Speaker 7 Well, in that way, the way that everyone's gone.

Speaker 1 He was canceled in his lifetime, like way before canceling was a thing.

Speaker 1 He was an expatriate. He moved to Switzerland because he was so unpopular here.
He was a communist.

Speaker 7 Because of the young girl thing or just because of all this?

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That didn't

Speaker 1 blink an eye. No.
No, but his politics

Speaker 1 were way too far left.

Speaker 1 He was either a communist or he flirted with it.

Speaker 1 I can't, I don't want to quote, misquote. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But he was definitely on that. I mean, he was socialism plus, at least.
And so I feel like, yeah, they Hollywood. And of course,

Speaker 1 the world went from silent films in which

Speaker 1 genius was to talkies.

Speaker 1 And he never.

Speaker 7 It's like the advent of social media where some people are just like, I can't. I don't know what to do with this.

Speaker 1 Me. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Well, you're doing fine. You're all over social media for someone who's not on it.

Speaker 1 You're everywhere on it. Really? You get clipped a ton.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 7 I mean, your show and your podcast do a really good job on there. Shout out.

Speaker 1 They do. They do.
They really do.

Speaker 7 For you not really being involved in that, like, you seem very much.

Speaker 1 But also, I must say.

Speaker 7 I don't see you dances.

Speaker 1 We need to get you doing that.

Speaker 1 I just don't. Maybe I'm missing it, but when I see other podcasts, I just don't see people getting quite as down and dirty.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No. I feel like there is something about Club Red.
I don't know whether it's these club cigarettes. I don't know.
I think it's you. I can't put my, some of it's me, some of it's the people I like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yes. You know, and we feel like it's just and there's nobody else in the room.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's good too.

Speaker 1 We're just

Speaker 7 it's just you just and we don't have mics like in our faces. It makes you kind of forget that there's cameras are kind of hidden.

Speaker 1 I forget. Yeah, I've a couple times during this as well.

Speaker 7 It's it's nice.

Speaker 7 Because I just, yeah, that's why I've always liked you. It's just, I've always felt since we became friends, I can just be myself around.

Speaker 7 I mean, I was very nervous to meet you at first and like, I don't know anything about politics.

Speaker 1 How am I going to hang out with him?

Speaker 7 It's just like, oh, he just likes people who are honest. Yes.
And then that and that's that's what I like too. But wait, what's your crazy? What's your crazy?

Speaker 1 What makes you want to what's why are you what?

Speaker 7 Like, if everyone who's like drawn to comedy and, you know,

Speaker 7 what's what's yours?

Speaker 1 Um, that's a great question. I

Speaker 1 don't know. Um, I'm pretty sane, I I think.
You know, I have my quirks, but

Speaker 1 cautious.

Speaker 1 You know, I feel like sane people are in general cautious. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sometimes that can bleed over into paranoia, but a little bit of paranoia is not a bad thing, especially in a world where everybody's trying to get everybody. Yeah.
So

Speaker 1 excuse me for worrying about it.

Speaker 1 You know, no, the press is my friend. Uh-huh.
I forgot. Uh-huh.

Speaker 7 No, nobody's your friend. No one is.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, so we are, but like, I'm talking about like people, if they can use your hide to advance themselves, they, they will.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I don't, so anyway, I just think I'm a cautious person.

Speaker 7 But you don't have like depression.

Speaker 1 I don't, like, I don't do stupid things. Like, people are always like, how did you get so rich? I'm like, never got married.

Speaker 1 No divorces, no alimony, no stupid hobbies. I don't collect cars and motorcycles and jewelry and art.
And none of that would give me any pleasure. Yeah.
So it was all gravy money.

Speaker 1 You know, it was a yeah. And I spend it on what I just I don't need to live

Speaker 1 comfort.

Speaker 7 I'm working on a bit about it, but like I, for I spend my money on Taylor Swift concerts, like that's been my thing. I've been to 18 and 15 months.

Speaker 1 Does she know this?

Speaker 7 She probably does because I talk about it a lot, but

Speaker 7 I

Speaker 7 just travel and go see her any chance I have because it's my, the most fun thing imaginable to me. And,

Speaker 7 and it's like, you, I can't really talk about it that much because people are just like, oh, must be nice. You can afford that.
And it's like, I can because I don't have kids. Like, right.

Speaker 7 This is cost, it's way cheaper than having a kid when I'm doing thousands of dollars on this. And yet, it's just like,

Speaker 7 why don't people who have kids ever get comments like, well, must be nice to have kids? You know, flaunting your privilege. It's like, well, it's just, it's so strange to me that.

Speaker 1 I used to do a bit in my old act. I guess the maybe women thought it was sexist, but it was like, yeah,

Speaker 1 the parents who like have twins in the school play, you know, you can get off work.

Speaker 1 What if I have twins in the hot tub?

Speaker 1 That's so good. That's so fun.

Speaker 7 It's uh, yeah, I mean, not having kids is just turning out to pay off so well every day that I keep on doing that.

Speaker 1 Unless you love kids.

Speaker 7 And yeah, I get it, but I just, I'm really grateful that I just did something else that distracted me.

Speaker 1 What a good opportunity for me to hear from someone this much of an authority on a subject I don't understand. Yeah, please.
And I don't, I'm not putting Taylor Swift down at all.

Speaker 1 I think she's a great

Speaker 1 celebrity, and that she's so big and yet Doesn't do anything too

Speaker 1 super crazy. She's gone out with a bunch of guys, like not more than other chicks have over a course of 10 or 12 years.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 Is she a little like, I always need to have a girlfriend, a boyfriend? Yeah, but most chicks are that way.

Speaker 1 A lot of chicks are like, I know a lot of girls. It doesn't make them bad.
Yes, people don't like to be alone.

Speaker 1 And then she writes songs.

Speaker 1 Okay, I just don't, again, not a put down, I just have no clue why she's at the level. Like if I was, did not know anything about it.
And again, I'm not that familiar with the music.

Speaker 1 And I think why the world decided that they don't agree on anything, but we've agreed that she is the greatest singer-songwriter who ever came down the pike. It doesn't strike me this way.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is there something else going on?

Speaker 7 You need to listen.

Speaker 7 Honestly, like, I think the lyrics? It's the lyrics. It's the musicality.
It's the melodies. Like, it's just...
I'm a fan of music. I like good music.
I was raised on good music.

Speaker 7 I was raised to, you know,

Speaker 7 my dad's, the way I am about to be a single person.

Speaker 1 What album should I start with? I honestly think, because

Speaker 7 you should probably start with

Speaker 1 folklore.

Speaker 7 Folklore. I think folklore.
I think that's when a lot of, I want to say men got on board and said, wow, this is a legitimate artist.

Speaker 1 What year is it?

Speaker 7 This is her first COVID album. She put out two albums during COVID.
Oh. And they're indie.
albums. They're like stripped down.

Speaker 7 She worked with a guy from the National, the band that is very well loved. And she won, you know, Album of the Year for it.
And

Speaker 7 it's really that. She's just a great musician.
And, you know, for me, she kind of looks like me. She's kind of around the same age.
Right. Kind of has the same kind of voice.

Speaker 7 I like things that are like me. And that's probably why I initially was like, what's going on with her? And it just so happened she is one of the greatest artists that will ever live.

Speaker 7 And, you know, and she just possibly saved our democracy. I mean, that's the crazy thing.

Speaker 1 Amazing power. Yeah.
Amazing power.

Speaker 1 You're talking about on the show tonight. That.
Absolutely.

Speaker 7 Unreal.

Speaker 7 And I was a fan for a really long time before it really caught on like it did. And it's very validating to now be like, I'm not so crazy.
But I am. I really, it's

Speaker 1 not normal. I mean,

Speaker 1 you can probably

Speaker 1 list on one hand and still have one to give somebody the finger the number of people who got to that level. And again, Chaplin, I would say, is one of them.
Maybe Frank Sinatra.

Speaker 7 Michael Jackson.

Speaker 1 Elvis, the Beatles, I mean, the Beatles, but, you know, had real cultural impact. And

Speaker 1 yeah, I mean, it's so, okay.

Speaker 7 Yeah, it really, it's the music, though. It's, you know, I want to say like, oh, she really speaks to the woman in me and speaks about breakups and love and emotions.

Speaker 7 And it's, and it's all of that, but it's really, I mean, there's just no question. She's just a brilliant musical artist and just knows how to write a hit.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 7 And just, it's, it, well, yeah.

Speaker 1 I like Sparks Fly.

Speaker 7 It's a great song.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're more like that.

Speaker 7 Yeah. Okay.
You're a fearless girly.

Speaker 1 Okay. You

Speaker 1 don't, you fearless.

Speaker 7 Fearless is her first album. It's her second album.

Speaker 1 If I wind up with one of those fucking bracelets, I'm going to fucking beat you over the head with it.

Speaker 7 You, you, I will be sending you a bracelet because I really think fearless and come on, not the bracelet. Fearless and speak now are going to be your albums.
But not the bracelet.

Speaker 7 It would look so cute on you.

Speaker 1 It really would.

Speaker 7 It would be such a nice touch

Speaker 1 i'm begging you i'm totally sending you one there's no chance i'm not

Speaker 1 thank you for being open to it that's all i ask i'm totally open to the music and i should have listened to it before now i don't know whenever something came on the radio like shake it off if you like i mean i there's a song i do have heard yeah and that's a song that made me go what the

Speaker 1 well she wrote that song okay but but like i don't i

Speaker 7 that that's listen I it's okay to not like shake it off.

Speaker 1 Okay

Speaker 7 I'm not saying I don't like shake it off, but it's okay to not like shake it off.

Speaker 7 It's not it's it's just one of many different kinds of songs she has and she's she's capable of a lot more than that, but that was okay. That was a moment.

Speaker 7 Yeah, but you're gonna you're gonna get into it. Have you ever do you like going to concerts?

Speaker 1 You know, that's another thing that I'm gonna put under that list of activities.

Speaker 1 I thought it was, you know, it's like I've been to concerts and I do have loved them, but it's a lot of Michigas getting in and getting out. It is.
And, you know, and the encore

Speaker 1 lines of the bathroom. Yes.
It's just, it's just, it's a lot.

Speaker 1 And getting out of the parking lot. And,

Speaker 1 you know, should we beat the crowd? But no, you want to hear the best. You know, it's a lot of people, some drinking.
It's a. Yeah.
And I don't think, you know.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 they filmed the Billy Joel concert that he's been doing

Speaker 1 forever at Madison Square Garden, one of my all-time favorite artists. there's no there's a genius yeah oh yeah have you been to the madison no because i saw the thing on

Speaker 1 it was not made for an epi against you know did i feel it in my bones the way i would have if i was but no kind of sometimes but it's good enough still it's it was good enough it's good enough yeah that's what i tell people about the eras tour because you know enough to smell his sweat you know i i i take your word he's sweat watch watch the eras movie if you're at disney plus just watch that that'll give you like that'll take you through her whole catalog.

Speaker 7 She's gorgeous.

Speaker 1 She made for me.

Speaker 7 Really nice to watch.

Speaker 1 But she needs to be brought up to speed on the whole thing.

Speaker 7 It's like, it's three hours long, but just put it on

Speaker 7 and work your way through it and you'll have a good time.

Speaker 1 Great. That's what I'll do.
But I'm, yeah, I'm so it's like the best of each era.

Speaker 7 Yeah, that's what she does. And each era is an album.
So it's like, you know, 10 or 11 albums at this point. And she just goes through each one.
And it's, and it's awesome.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm sure you will meet her someday. And we will surprise Nikki backstage.
Oh, can you imagine she's been crouching there the whole time? Tell her. I honestly got a little nervous.

Speaker 1 Yes, she knows you're a fan and she wants to personally give you a. Oh, no.

Speaker 7 I am, I am so happy to be a fan. Like, I want to stay.
Like, I don't even, people are like, when are you going to be friends?

Speaker 7 Of course, I'll be friends with her if she wants to, but I'm not forcing it. And I love being a fan.

Speaker 1 No, I did do some jokes about, you know, my boyfriend's a football player. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 i've seen him do you think that i've scrolled past it and grew these i'm not gonna like those now made you mad no no of course not okay you're right i do uh i do um it hasn't started yet as we're talking about this but by the time this airs it will have happened i do um for thursday night football for amazon i do their after show i do like a speed roast of the football game

Speaker 7 that i write during the football game and then do a little like kind of wait where is this where am i going to see this

Speaker 7 on uh on amazon uh yeah

Speaker 7 thursday night football like on their after show i just watched it yeah yeah so did you do it thursday night no i'm starting this this next thursday didn't miss it oh perfect yeah it'll be like a three-minute roast of the game and i don't know anything about i mean i'm learning about football it's like honestly i'm trying really hard but it's it's it's a really complex game but it's fun and i'm i'm looking to get obsessed because i you know taylor soft's not going to be on tour forever and i need like a new thing to become like obsessed with going to because i really like going to like stadium so the 18th time, not

Speaker 1 over it in any way.

Speaker 7 Not over it at all. You get to dress up like her.
You get to like dance and sing all night. I'm not thinking about any of my problems.
I feel young.

Speaker 1 Who do you go with?

Speaker 7 I bring like friends. I bring my, my mom's been to like eight shows with me.

Speaker 7 I bring my, I brought my parents to, we went to Dublin, we went to Zurich, and we went to Amsterdam three times. Like I just followed her around the summer.
And I bring out friends.

Speaker 7 I just fly out friends that I think like, I'd like fly out you. I'd be like, you, you can be convinced.
Come with me. And then would you go?

Speaker 1 If I have to give in on the bracelet,

Speaker 1 you have to wear a bracelet. But no, yeah, I bring people who are kind of on the fence and I go, just come with me.
Okay. No, I'll watch it.
Okay. Yes.

Speaker 1 I mean, look, if I wouldn't leave the house for Billy, I can't afford another ticket, to be honest with you, Bill.

Speaker 7 So that was a false invite.

Speaker 1 How much of the tickets?

Speaker 7 I mean, they're crazy. I'm going to try to go front row in Miami, and I think it's like maybe going to be $10,000 for one ticket.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 7 But, you know, that's

Speaker 1 how you can get front row.

Speaker 7 You know, they're resellers that are just, they're marked up on StubHub, but it's, I'll wait till the day of and see what happens. But yeah, I've, I've, uh, I've spent a lot.

Speaker 7 I think I've, the most I've spent is like $7,500 a ticket for my mom and I to be front row one time. It was so fun.
And I never get tired of it.

Speaker 7 And people go, is the show, what does she do differently?

Speaker 1 You already were in the front row? Yeah. And did she acknowledge you?

Speaker 7 There's so many people in the front row. It's a big stage.
No, no, no. And I wouldn't expect it.

Speaker 1 You didn't think you saw a little something in the eye, like, oh, hey,

Speaker 7 I don't even want her to look at me. I just feel like it'd be too distracting.

Speaker 1 No. Oh, God, that's what they used to say about Jesus and the old religion movements.

Speaker 1 There would just be a glow and the camera couldn't even show it because he was Jesus. Oh, wow.
And then the people would just look down.

Speaker 7 I almost feel that way. That's

Speaker 1 disturbing.

Speaker 1 Because you know what's disturbing about that? Like, if she said, vote for Trump, then he'd win. I know.
Oh, that's not good.

Speaker 7 I know, but she didn't.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 So I'm okay with it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm okay with her power as long as she's on the right side of her.

Speaker 1 I think I said this tonight on our show. Trump, that's a cult, but so is this.
It is a cult. And, you know, maybe a cult leader can be, you know, good for good and not evil.
I think she generally is.

Speaker 1 That's why I say I have no reason to put her down or desire to. And I always have the greatest respect for a success.

Speaker 1 If you are at a level of success that's enormous, that always has my attention, my respect,

Speaker 1 I could look at it and go, well, you know, that's because people don't have great taste. I could.
I'm not saying about that.

Speaker 1 I certainly have said that about other things that were massive. Massive because massive means it's great.

Speaker 7 No, I agree. I agree.
And a lot of times it's not.

Speaker 7 Most of the time, it's a bad sign if it's massive.

Speaker 1 You started on

Speaker 1 writer's embellishment, hot pockets. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Many things that your friends have appeared in. Yeah,

Speaker 1 and things and cultural things that people think are great milestones that I don't. Yes.
But I do respect. And I do respect what she has achieved.
And

Speaker 1 yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 This

Speaker 1 elections. that we have now are so close.
Razor sharp. I mean, Trump won the first one.
He pulled an inside straight. And basically with, I mean, 70,000 votes or something, was it across three states?

Speaker 1 Something so small. I mean, she registered like 400,000

Speaker 1 people.

Speaker 1 I mean, right there could be the difference. I mean,

Speaker 1 that's a number.

Speaker 7 Well, that's how many people went to the link. Did that many people register from the link?

Speaker 1 That's what I read, but I don't know if you can. Oh, my God.
I don't know.

Speaker 7 That makes me sad. Like, however,

Speaker 7 how is this the reason that you do it? And I'm glad it's the reason.

Speaker 1 Whatever gets you to do it, but really so do you get like a is there a fan club a newsletter is there a no like the beatles used to put out a special christmas album just for the fans than an album one song they would sing some chanty or something oh yeah and you is do you have something like this with the taylor swift um she does stuff for she's constantly doing stuff for us like she sees us that's another thing that's like but there's no formal club oh there's there's no formal club that she's created but there's formal there's clubs which we have created as fans ourselves and what if i wanted to join the club?

Speaker 7 You would absolutely be.

Speaker 1 No, only if it was a formal club. I'm not just fucking around.

Speaker 1 I want the Christmas record.

Speaker 7 She's not giving us any, no, she gives everyone equal stuff. I don't think there's any club where you get like special releases or something.

Speaker 1 Do you want my prediction about the love affair?

Speaker 7 Yeah, I have one too, but I'm not going to share it.

Speaker 1 But yeah. I think I said this, Harvey Levitt and I have a gentleman's bet about it.
He's got a dumper.

Speaker 1 It's just what guys like that do. They get the fuck stink on them of like a celebrity woman, and then they're a made man for the rest of their life, and that's what's going to happen.
It's like,

Speaker 1 you know, Pete Davidson, as soon as he got with Ariana Grande, he was a made man for the rest of his life. And I feel like this is what's going to happen.
What? Have I ruined your night?

Speaker 1 Quite possibly.

Speaker 1 I think Travis is different.

Speaker 7 I think he's different. I've met him.
He's a very nice guy.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's a charmer.

Speaker 7 He is a charmer. He's very talented.
I just don't think you let, I think Taylor Swift doesn't, you just don't let something like that go.

Speaker 7 He knows what he has.

Speaker 1 I've spoken like a true culture.

Speaker 1 Truly.

Speaker 7 You don't get better than that.

Speaker 1 Well, and he, of course, you don't know what goes on. I mean, you only know her from afar.
You don't know what he goes. Yes, yes.
I mean, no one knows what goes.

Speaker 1 You can speculate all day, but yes, of course.

Speaker 1 I mean, why do you think he's stuck if he's the one? And all the other, I mean, there was the actor guy, the English actor guy, the other English actor guy, and wasn't

Speaker 1 the guy from 1975, didn't he have a cup of coffee with her?

Speaker 7 Yeah, but this guy is a...

Speaker 7 Travis is lucid. And of like he's...
Lucid.

Speaker 1 Like he's...

Speaker 7 The others weren't? Kind of.

Speaker 1 I would argue. The English actor dudes, they look very lucid.

Speaker 7 No, okay,

Speaker 7 I can't speculate, but I think that

Speaker 7 I don't know. I can't say anything.
I can't.

Speaker 1 And it's not a cult, but I swear something will happen.

Speaker 7 Something horrible will happen to me if I speak ill of our leader.

Speaker 1 I mean, the rules are the same as Scientology, but it's not a cult.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 7 It's so delicate that I'm like, I can't even talk because it's like...

Speaker 1 I know what it's like to be treated.

Speaker 1 Well, to be treated like a suppressive person. You don't want to be a suppressive person.
I get it. Oh, I get it.
Oh, you do? Let's move on.

Speaker 1 I don't want to put you. I mean, you seem genuinely.

Speaker 7 It honestly is that if you're a Swifty, like you can't, you can't have anything bad to say. And I honestly, I'm checking myself.

Speaker 7 I'm like, I honestly don't have anything bad to say, but I definitely can't even have a conversation around bad things.

Speaker 1 That is how it is.

Speaker 1 I was talking about the boyfriend, not, I mean, John Mayer and who, all the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 I would say, I mean, you know, like those didn't work out because she didn't want them to

Speaker 1 that's right

Speaker 1 you know what you got to kiss a lot of frogs and i mean like i said before just like any other girl of that age she's had a bunch of boyfriends who hasn't who hasn't especially if you're an attractive girl like her yeah and she makes her own money and the kind of guys that are like coming at you she can pay for dinner and everyone knows you're single like of course she's gonna jump into something new the second she gets single it's on headlines people are dming her reaching out to her you find someone new right away.

Speaker 7 Most girls, they're single and they have to wait around on bumble for weeks.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 7 what do you even tell?

Speaker 7 Like, everyone knows, and it's famous, hot dudes who are so talented, who you may have had a crush on even before you were with that guy, who you may have watched their movies as a kid growing up.

Speaker 7 Like, it'd be so easy to just jump from guy to guy in Hollywood. Of course, I'm looking to, but I gotta be stuck with this guy for the rest of my life because he loves me for me.
It's bullshit.

Speaker 1 Do you know who I could be dating right now?

Speaker 7 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 i could i could really i could do well who i mean i don't know you could but i could do well by the way

Speaker 1 take this for what it means i know you look the best i've ever seen you look i maybe now maybe you i i always have this thing i say about the uh the oscars yeah like it's the most attractive people very often the actresses are the most attractive the margot rabbis of the world yes and their tens and somehow on oscar night they find a way to turn it up to 11 yeah they do i don't know whether it's a a colonic or like the thing whatever it is they and you look like

Speaker 7 yeah you just I had a lot of treatments this week I saw the right back there okay

Speaker 7 I saw where I got I found out who to go to yeah I got

Speaker 1 a secret you could definitely be a power half of a power couple I could

Speaker 7 And you know what? It is, that's how you become famous.

Speaker 7 It's it. It's most of it.
I have to like fucking work hard now when I could just go and date.

Speaker 1 I could have done that

Speaker 1 25, 20 years ago. There were opportunities and I was like, no, you know what? I'm not gonna, and I knew it would help me a lot, but I'm not gonna

Speaker 1 do this to this woman because

Speaker 1 a week later I'll be with some other woman out in a restaurant and then she'll be humiliated. I'm just not gonna,

Speaker 1 it's just not gonna end well. Yes.
And so I never did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, it was also

Speaker 1 self-preservation. I knew it would come back and, you know, wants an A-list woman mad at you.

Speaker 7 No, you're so right.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, and I knew I couldn't live up to it.
So, but yes, like there are, this town is full of guys who want exactly what you're selling. Famous, still hot,

Speaker 1 perfect cougar age. This town is full of pretty boys who want something

Speaker 1 10 years old.

Speaker 7 And who would introduce me, me as an older woman, to a whole new audience? And so I would be the... Yes, it would be.
It'd be amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I got to call Chris.

Speaker 1 Poor Chris.

Speaker 7 Chris wants, if he's supportive of my career, he needs to step aside.

Speaker 1 I mean, I love him, so I feel like it was a terrible thing to do. But it is true.
Let's do it. Let's act it out just as a fantasy because I think you could be with, let's see, who's available?

Speaker 1 Jake Jill and all.

Speaker 7 I think he's in something. I don't think I could get him, to be honest with you.

Speaker 1 I'm too like.

Speaker 7 A foul mouthed comedian. I'm not going to get an A-lister.
Like, I might get a young A-lister, but not an old... Maybe.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 7 I don't know either.

Speaker 7 I really don't even...

Speaker 7 I just know that I could have some fun and be photographed with some people, but I don't know if

Speaker 7 anything would last or anything. But that is a big part of it.
I mean, I remember

Speaker 1 Chris Evans. Oh, yeah.
Got with Jenny Slate. Yes.

Speaker 7 Oh, that was so big for female comics that day.

Speaker 1 That broke. We were like, we can do it.

Speaker 7 He likes us for a personality. A guy like that.
No, I mean, she's stunning, but I mean, like, it was still so.

Speaker 1 So, if that happens,

Speaker 1 okay, I think we have to think of that as the model. Yes.

Speaker 1 So, if that happened, I don't, you know, he just, he's a newlywed, so he's, he's not on the market. No, he's not.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know.

Speaker 7 I think I know who you're thinking.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 7 I've thought about it too.

Speaker 1 I don't know what they must have spiked my drink. No, it's awesome.
So I can't think of his name, but he's not. No, we don't need to say his name.
I know. We won't know exactly.

Speaker 1 I'll show you a picture and you just say yes. Or wait, hold on.
Where's my phone?

Speaker 1 I could tell you what he was in.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He was in,

Speaker 1 it was not really good, but he said charming guy.

Speaker 1 The lady from

Speaker 1 Euphoria.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, maybe we're not thinking thinking the same person

Speaker 1 who's the blonde uh sidney sweeney he did a

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 yeah that guy yeah

Speaker 1 that guy yes would put you into the stratosphere and he's he's a smart guy he's not he also wrote a movie with somebody that was good about a hitman or something that that's a really yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 7 interesting take on it we liked it yeah and he's just uh no that's like the perfect kind of person that i'm like huh could i and probably not, but it's, it would.

Speaker 1 No, a lot of, because a lot of times,

Speaker 1 you know what? And don't take this the wrong way.

Speaker 7 And of course, when someone brings this wrong, I can't wait for this. Holy shit.
I can't even wait.

Speaker 1 Oh, what, what's this going to mean? Whenever a comic says the words, don't take this wrong.

Speaker 7 Don't take this the wrong way. It's about to be the most offensive thing I've ever heard.

Speaker 1 It's really not.

Speaker 7 Okay, no, I trust you.

Speaker 1 But you look great, but a lot of times those kind of pretty boys, they don't want the prettiest girl.

Speaker 7 No, and that's when I'm perfect.

Speaker 1 It is. I'm not, I'm not a Margot rott.

Speaker 7 I'm nowhere close to it. So let's get like they want, yeah, I think it would actually be the right thing.
Yeah, I'm a little off.

Speaker 1 Who have you been working with on the road lately?

Speaker 1 You see comics more. I don't see others.

Speaker 7 I don't. I don't work with anyone on the road.
I mean, I bring up my friends to open for me.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 But like, who are the up-and-coming comics I should be keeping?

Speaker 7 Well, my friend just got, my friend who I brought out and who I feel like I partially discovered, he was like the guy who picked me up. I was doing the comedy attic in Bloomington, Indiana.

Speaker 1 The comedy attic? Yeah, in Bloomington, Indiana.

Speaker 7 Great club in Bloomington, Indiana, years and years and years ago, probably eight years ago, 10 years ago. And he picked me,

Speaker 7 he was the ghidor guy that they sent to go pick you up at the airport. And he instantly was my friend on the car ride an hour and a half from Indy.

Speaker 7 I'm just, I love this kid. I gave him a guest set that weekend.
I'm like, you do comedy? I don't even need to see it. You're great.
Let's do a guest set.

Speaker 7 He became my opener on the road for many many years up until even recently, and he just got cast on SML. Oh, Emil Joachim.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
So that was really exciting.

Speaker 7 He's this young, 26, I think. And he's a cast member.

Speaker 1 By the way, the comedy attic, I have to say, of all the comedy names I've used for comedy clubs, like the comedy barrel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the bigger chuckles.

Speaker 7 That was a pretty good one. Wait, Rooster T-Feathers is one of my favorites.
Go Bananas.

Speaker 1 I think I worked worked at Go Bananas.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah, Cincinnati? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 I was in Atlanta last weekend at the lovely Fox Theater, I believe it's there, and

Speaker 1 played it many times. And for some reason, when I was driving in, I just was like flooded with memories of the first time I played Atlanta.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah? What club?

Speaker 1 It was 1982.

Speaker 1 It was,

Speaker 1 what was it? I don't know, but it was run by three Italian guys. And when I say Italian,

Speaker 1 I'm not saying

Speaker 1 that there were any connections to, but who knows?

Speaker 1 But it was 1982, and they were from Cleveland.

Speaker 1 That's where they had, I think they had the comedy club in Cleveland, but Cleveland is cold and there were probably turf wars and God knows when. They were like, let's find paradise

Speaker 1 in the south. where the women are easy and it's warm.
And they opened this club and it was like when the comedy was just first versioning like

Speaker 1 the audiences were so good. You know, they were just, they were like, they had been starved for laughing.
You'd think they'd never laughed in their life. That's so fascinating.

Speaker 7 Yeah, they would, you would never go somewhere just to laugh. Like it was.

Speaker 1 Oh, they just, and they were, you know, I remember doing it right before I did my first tonight show and thinking, oh my God, I am the greatest comic who ever got on a stage.

Speaker 1 You know, you just, and they were just, it's just because they were, you know, it was a new thing.

Speaker 1 And I think we did three shows on the weekend nights.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 7:30, 9.30, and 11.30.

Speaker 7 Oh, my God. Brutal.

Speaker 7 Where you don't even remember what jokes you've done on the other shows. So you start almost repeating yourself.

Speaker 1 That's a nightmare that I

Speaker 1 have such a fear of that. I only did it once my whole life.

Speaker 7 I do two shows at night sometimes.

Speaker 1 It's so traumatic.

Speaker 7 And I go, and I'll be in the middle of a joke and I go, did I already say this? And they're like, no. I'm like, oh, I'm too old to be doing two shows in a night.
You just quit.

Speaker 7 And then you don't do jokes that you think you did.

Speaker 1 But if you do two shows, you have to stick to a script.

Speaker 7 I know. And I don't have a script.
Right. I'm always just working willy-nilly.
That's all. That's how I do it.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 7 And so, yeah,

Speaker 7 that's what I'll say.

Speaker 1 You're a real artist. Oh.
You just get up there and wing.

Speaker 7 I do. It's lazy.

Speaker 1 I mean, it goes back to the same bits, right, that you've done. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 It's not off the top of my head. No, that would be hell.

Speaker 1 I'm not that kind of comic.

Speaker 7 But um, yeah, it's all stuff that I've thought of before, but it's just like I just pull from it as I go.

Speaker 7 And just kind of, and again, that's like, it's kind of like I was just talking about getting face stuff done. Like, I like the risk in it.
Like, I don't, I don't have a fucking safety net.

Speaker 7 I don't have a set list written down. Like, what am I going to do?

Speaker 7 Like, and if I get too comfortable, I'll have a little weed before I go on stage because I go, then it's going to be really hard to figure out what I'm going to do next because I'm like, high.

Speaker 7 And like, I like a little, I like the adrenaline of like, what's going to happen? I could die. That's why I like that's why I kill on roast.

Speaker 7 That's why I kill on like live, like I, you know, doing, you know, uh, couches on on late night shows, like stuff where you have to have like a script memorized and you gotta nail it and it's live and everything can go wrong.

Speaker 7 I really thrive in those settings.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, that's when I, what I first, you know, this story, but, you know, I saw you do whatever was. the ones you used to do.

Speaker 1 And I just said, okay.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've always been pretty good at spotting a talent. Oh, okay.
And I was like, yeah, and then Hawaii. But I mean, even before that, I mean, you could just tell who's got it.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's really good. But it is.
And the more I hear you talk about it, it is, I do think the two things are connected, the genius and the madness, because

Speaker 1 anybody who wants to live that much on the tightrope,

Speaker 1 that's,

Speaker 1 yeah, you're going to be a little

Speaker 7 crazy. I don't do well with like

Speaker 1 safety. But I think, I think the

Speaker 1 what's his name?

Speaker 1 You know.

Speaker 1 Did he go?

Speaker 1 Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 Because I think he, yeah,

Speaker 1 because those pretty boys, it's almost like the usual, the conventional male-female dynamic is very often reversed. Because for them, it was easy always.
Right.

Speaker 1 Most guys, like, it's the greatest sunum bonum in life is that you can get a girl who you want to have sex with.

Speaker 7 What did you just say?

Speaker 1 The greatest greatest good.

Speaker 7 What was it? What did you say?

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry. No, I want to learn a new word.
I like that. It's Latin.
It's sunum bonum, means the greatest good.

Speaker 7 Sunum bonum.

Speaker 1 All right. I like it.

Speaker 7 I would have been listening to this podcast and been like, what is that word? And looked it up and added it to my word-a-day counter. I love learning new words.
Sorry, George.

Speaker 1 No. Peterson was here.
I'm still talking new words.

Speaker 7 No, I like it.

Speaker 7 I yearn to talk that word.

Speaker 1 The greatest good in life. Yeah, yeah.
And that was always like,

Speaker 1 if you're not that pretty boy type or like a rock star or something, you know, you just never never have had that automatic you know a faucet turned on them but just it's just flowing out of it you're just like every time you get any girl to like you you're you're thinking this could be the last time yeah yeah yeah this could be the last time do you feel that way do you still have that what i did when i was that when i was young yeah of course absolutely i've very often got with someone who i shouldn't have been with because i was like

Speaker 1 I've had this.

Speaker 1 No other girl might ever like me. I mean, that's really where

Speaker 1 painful it is to be that young and dumb. So, so I need to take advantage of that, is what you're saying.

Speaker 1 Okay, all right.

Speaker 1 I'll get out there.

Speaker 1 I think, yeah, so like something a little challenging.

Speaker 7 Okay, I have something new to bring up a couple of therapy this week.

Speaker 1 Different is the different guys like Strange. For a guy like that, Strange is not, you know, Margot Robbie.

Speaker 1 He, you know, he's known that. Okay.
He, you know,

Speaker 1 but, you know, and also, like, wait, are you friends with my boyfriend?

Speaker 1 Love him.

Speaker 1 Love him. I'm just

Speaker 1 this news story. Well, it wouldn't last.
Open things up. First of all, it wouldn't last for more than a year.

Speaker 1 It would just give you the publicity for that year. Yes.
It would put you in the stratosphere. I think you'd be on board.
I'm going to be a little bit Saturn V rocket.

Speaker 7 Okay. Yes.

Speaker 1 And you just sit on board with each other.

Speaker 1 It was was

Speaker 1 so hot when you got back together.

Speaker 7 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 yeah, and of course, this wouldn't last more than a year, but it's fine. But it'd be a great year.

Speaker 1 And I think he'd have a great time. I think it's just.

Speaker 7 Yeah, he should go.

Speaker 1 And it would be very, and it would be very hot while you're in it. It would.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you.

Speaker 7 Okay, I'll consider it.

Speaker 7 I truly would.

Speaker 7 I like how it's just up to me to make it for this to happen. I'll think about dating Glenn Powell.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 that's him. Because I know I know people are listening going, well, who are they talking about? That's him.

Speaker 1 Well, there was this actress named Ellen Barkin.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 She was, I thought she was hot, but she wasn't like the classic.

Speaker 7 She got like hot in her 60s.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You're okay. It sounds funny.
Exactly.

Speaker 7 No, she didn't. I mean, okay, what were you going to say? I thought that's what you were going to say.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 7 What were you going to say?

Speaker 1 Well, she, I mean, I think you're a lot cuter than her. And she was, I thought she was cute, but she didn't, certainly did not have that

Speaker 1 classic look.

Speaker 1 And she was the hot one. Everybody, you know,

Speaker 1 yeah, she was. And before that, there was a woman

Speaker 1 when I was a kid, Karen Black. She kind of was cross-eyed, but she was sexy.
Okay, I'll work on that. Like, I'm telling you from personal experience in life,

Speaker 1 the absolute prettiest ones are not always the ones where there's the greatest sexual attraction. Okay.
And stuff like, you know, so like it doesn't make it hotter.

Speaker 1 Like a vapid model who looks the best, it can be like

Speaker 1 death in bed.

Speaker 7 Oh, oh, yeah. I'm sure of it.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 7 Not that I'm anything to

Speaker 7 do.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 7 I'm pretty fun.

Speaker 1 I think we all look at you and think. Really? You're fun.
Yeah, I do.

Speaker 1 I'm so happy. Yeah, you have a lot of masturbating fans.
I'm sure you do.

Speaker 7 Okay, that's nice.

Speaker 1 I'm not like that.

Speaker 7 Like, I'm not anyone. I never, I don't really like to be on top because it just doesn't feel that good for me.
I will for the person, but like, I'm kind of a layback, but I'm very,

Speaker 7 I talk a lot.

Speaker 1 Guys like that. Yeah.
They like the domination.

Speaker 7 Yes, I like that. Like, I don't really, I'm not, and that's the problem is that a lot of times men are attracted to what they see on stage with me of like ball buster, roaster.

Speaker 7 And I'm like, in bed, I am the literal opposite.

Speaker 1 And see, that's even better because it's like, she's a ball buster, she's a ball buster, she's a ball buster. And then when I get my dick in her, she obeys.

Speaker 7 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, there's nothing hotter than that. There's nothing hotter than that.

Speaker 7 People magazine, most beautiful person of the year.

Speaker 1 They're calling right now. Glenn Powell is on Speed Dial as we.

Speaker 7 Where's my phone?

Speaker 1 all right well I'm gonna let you get out to your parties to because he's probably at one of these parties today all right right

Speaker 1 from your mouth I bet and you can tell him what we talk about and then

Speaker 1 this will air and it'll prove it all right all right

Speaker 1 I love you too

Speaker 1 I wish you could have been more open and forthcoming.

Speaker 1 yeah, you know. I've been hurt before.
It's great that I could pry it out of you.

Speaker 7 Hey, this is Sarah. Look, I'm standing out front of AMPM right now, and well, you're sweet and all, but I found something more fulfilling, even kind of cheesy, but I like it.

Speaker 7 Sure, you met some of my dietary needs, but they've just got it all. So farewell, oatmeal.
So long, you strange soggy.

Speaker 8 Break up with planned breakfast and taste AMPM's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit made with catrie eggs, smoked bacon, and melty cheese on a buttery biscuit. AMPM, too much good stuff.