Haliey Welch | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Wait, I'm with your granny now? Is that where you're... I'm trying to set something up here.
I think you're barking up the wrong tree here. You think so? I do.
I really... I don't think I am.
You want to be tired of them before they're tired of you. Let me tell you a story about the Beatles.
Oh, goodness. All right, I'm all here for it.
Hi. How are you? Belle.
I'm Haley. Nice to meet you.
Haley Selassie. How are you? I'm good.
How are you? Well, thanks for coming. Thank you for having me.
I'm sure you should be nervous, but you don't seem like you are. Eh.
You shouldn't be. You're going to have the best time.
I'll try. Well, you're 21? Yep.
Okay, so listen. Something extraordinary happened to you, and you have an extraordinary opportunity.
And if you pay close attention today, you'll come out here really with a lot of knowledge of how to handle this, because it's very unique, what happened to you. Two amazing things happened in the last month.
There was an assassination attempt, and one brave billionaire's earlobe will never be the same. Yeah, you're exactly right.
This is hard. And you, two things that are like completely out of left field.
I mean, you must feel like, what was that bit somebody had about like, you know, you ever see one of those little bugs that roll up when they feel, and then. Oh, the roly polies.
Yeah. And then you like shoot them.
Yeah. He was like real hard.
And must wake up, like, to them, like, a thousand miles away. Yes.
It's kind of like what happened to you. You're exactly right.
You're exactly right. That's what it feels like, right? That's a good way to put it.
But you, for whatever reason, now, I'm not a religious person. Maybe you are.
That's what makes a horse race. We're all different.
But you seem nice, so, like, we're all happy for you. Well, don't you? Like, you know, if you were, if you came off as some sort of an asshole, people would be, like, resenting.
Yeah. You know, oh, why is she suddenly famous? She's an asshole.
But, you know, like every kid, especially your age, wants to be famous. And like suddenly they just, the sword came down and tapped you on the shoulder again.
He said, you're it. Not from God.
That doesn't really exist. But you make your own decisions.
I'm not going to lead you astray to the dark side. And so it's like you were given this amazing chip, and you can now trade that chip in.
Fame is like a huge chip that you were just given. But the key thing now is like, for what? Right?

Yeah, for what?

So this is why you should be listening very closely today.

Because you're going to get a lot of good advice on that. I have a feeling.

I don't know.

I never know what I'm going to say, because I'm always high when I do this.

I understand.

You're 21, right?

We can speak freely.

Fair.

And it's legal.

Yeah.

We're not doing anything wrong.

Exactly right.

I would, of course, advise always using any sort of substance responsibly and in moderation. Do you do that? Yeah.
I'm pretty responsible with it. Well, sometimes, unless I'm at CMA Fest in Nashville.
Why? Is that where you said your thing? Oh, yeah. We were drinking all day long.
Okay. So here's the first thing, now that I think about it, that we have to do.
Mm-hmm. What made you suddenly famous, nothing to be ashamed of, but now we have to move past that.
I agree. Haley.
What's your last name? Wilt. I knew that.
I was testing you. That's OK.
I had to sound out your last name, Marley. I don't expect you to know me.
Most of the country does, bitch. But no, I'm kidding.
But you're young. You will.
You'll get there. That doesn't matter.
What matters now is move past, let's call it your origin story. And like, you know, it's very much like the Kardashians.
You know origin story from comic books, right? Oh, yeah. Okay.
So what's the Kardashians' origin story?

They started out before all the plastic surgery and everything else, didn't they?

No, what's their origin story?

What put them on the map?

I'm not up to trends.

I had to figure out who you were today.

I'm so serious.

I don't keep up with anything.

Oh, you're 21.

You're not supposed to.

I'd be disappointed if you did.

But someday you will.

Thank you. I'm serious.
I don't keep up with anything. Oh, and you're 21.
You're not supposed to. I'd be disappointed if you did.

But someday you will.

Someday you'll be calling me and say, Bill, you know,

I'm really getting caught up on the Middle East.

Can you tell me?

And I'll tell you.

But right now, no, it was a sex tape.

You don't know?

It was Kim's, wasn't it? Yes. Yeah.
So you do know this. Okay, I do a sex tape.
You don't know? It was Kim's, wasn't it?

Yes.

Yeah.

So you do know this.

Okay, I do know.

Okay.

I didn't know that was like starting it all for them, though.

Absolutely.

And they're very nice people.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

Chrissy sat right in that seat.

She's been right here?

Many people have.

Hmm.

Even people you know.

But yes, they're wonderful people. They're just very nice.
The only thing you can get them on is the Kardashians. It's as if Spider-Man became Spider-Man because he blew a spider.
It's kind of the same thing, isn't it? Yeah. So, like, your origin story is Hak Tua.
It's cute, but we must now... Move forward.
...be very circumspect in how we allow people to, how long we let them play that out. And you've got to play a little hardball with this and, you know, be, you know, insist on Haley.
And that's why it's important also to figure out your next step. So that will probably come out just during the course of this conversation.
It's better if it just happens organically, I find, in my mentoring life.

Your mentoring life?

Yes.

It is what it is, and it's now the next thing.

Because there's so much I would love to know

about being a 21-year-old girl.

Like what?

I mean, first of all, I mean, you're adorable, you're cute. It's just the way of the world.
I mean, you got the world by the balls when you're, what? Okay. But, like, your day-to-day before this happened was, like, working in a, where'd you work? A spring factory.
A spring factory, right. It wasn't nothing bad though.
It's not like a normal factory you hear anything about. Like it was really laid back.
I enjoyed it there. Yeah, but it's still a fucking factory.
I mean. Yeah.
I mean, it got the bills paid. That's all that mattered.
I didn't mind getting up going to work every day. Which is better, that or now you're in show business? I'm in show business.
Come on. Show business.
It's kind of fun. There's a reason everybody wants to be in show business.
Oh, yeah, it's laid back. It's more fun than the spring factory.
What did you do all day? Well, so I was over quality and shipping, but I didn't have to do quality unless somebody else like in that department wasn't there. I hated it.
You sit in a chair all day for eight hours and test springs that come out of the grind room. It drove me fairly insane.
Because I hate sitting still that long. It kills me.
Then why'd you just tell me it wasn't so bad? This is why I'm saying it. Well, I didn't have to do it once in a blue moon.
Now, the shipping part, I didn't mind it because I get to get up and run around all day. But whatever customer orders, however many they want of this and this box and how many of these boxes, I got to put it all in a box and stuff like that.
And I was learning how to ship them out when I left. It really wasn't that bad.
I swear it wasn't. No, I understand.
And there's nothing wrong with that kind of work or any kind of work. People need to have jobs.
And it's great if you have a job like that that you find fun. Gives you character.
But I'm, maybe a little too much. Yeah, maybe.
But I bet you in 10 years, you'd have been kind of over it. Yeah.
But you may have moved up by that time. You know, that's, you could have been the whole head of Spring USA.
Yeah. 10 years from there.
What? If I worked for there. Right.
Like for 10 years, like you years like you're saying i yeah i'd probably been over it so and this is in where tennessee yeah i can hear the accent slightly slightly no i love a southern accent well thank you i like the south i mean i always tour in the south and enjoy it um yeah don't we no horrible i mean i try to I mean, I always tour in the South and enjoy it. Yeah, get food, don't we? No.
Horrible food. I mean, all food in America is horrible anywhere.
It's not just the South. But no, I bring my own food.
I can't eat. You really bring your own food? Well, I only go for two days at a time.
So I guess I can bring enough of my own food. I get one meal in my dressing room after the show that you can make sure that they prepare something fairly clean.
Indecent for you to eat? What do you like to eat? I need to know. Oh, okay.
Let's talk about what we like to eat. Well, what I like to eat, what I do eat are two different things.
I mean, you'll see when you get older, you can still look awesome like this, but you're on a short leash as far as health. You feel me? So you eat your greenies.
Well, that kind of. I got you.
I eat my greenies too. That kind of stuff.
Oh, really? That's my favorite food to eat, like a vegetable. Is your favorite food? Well, that's rare.
Yeah. It's like a chopstick.
What do you mean? What do you mean? I got chopstick legs. I eat my veggies.
That's good. I love my veggies.
America's too fat. Yeah.
Way too fat. Just a little.
No, a lot. And it's unhealthy and it's not cute anymore.
Yeah. I mean, but yeah, so this is, yeah, people like in LA, this is fairly normal.
But in America, you walk around like this, and I'm sure they say, like, are you anorexic? Yeah, I've been asked a few times. And you're like, no, you're fit.
Thank you. That's what you're supposed to look like.
Yeah. They just want to make everybody else feel bad because.
Because America's so big. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah. I like how you think.
So that their fat ass feels better being... Anyway.
So I eat pretty... Lean? Yeah.
I mean, purity of food is more important than like meat versus, I'm not a vegetarian. You know, maybe.
What is that? Somebody asked me this every week and every week I say I'm roofing myself. It's something to give flavor to sparkling water so you don't have to have diet soda, which has chemicals in it.

Apropos of our conversation about eating clean.

Even my soda's fucking clean.

That's how fucking clean.

Even your tequila's clean.

Well, no.

All liquor is poison.

Yeah.

What are you drinking?

A high noon.

What the fuck is that?

Okay, hear me out.

I don't like seltzers at all. I think they're disgusting, but I actually like these.
They're pretty good. What the fuck is that? Okay, hear me out.

I don't like seltzers at all.

I think they're disgusting, but I actually like these.

They're pretty good.

They don't taste like sparkling piss.

I don't even know what that is, seltzer.

So it's non-alcoholic?

Oh, it is. It's got 4.5%.

Oh.

But it don't taste like piss water.

It's 4.5% alcohol?

Mm-hmm.

And so it's like a wine cooler?

I guess you could say.

Like a watered-down wine cooler is what it tastes like.

Like this one's black cherry.

Like White Claw?

Is that the same kind of thing?

Kind of, but I don't like White Claws.

White Claw?

White Claws.

White what?

White Claw. White Claw.
White C claws. White claw? White claws.
White what? White claw.

White claw.

White claw.

White claw.

White claw.

Exactly.

How do you say oil?

Huh?

Oil.

What word are we saying?

O-I-L-O.

Oil.

Oil is how that's pronounced. Oil.
Yeah. Okay.
I'm going to rule out network news anchor for you. But I do think broadcasting, because you have already a platform.
You know what it is? I think I can tell them like the weather or something. I got it already.
No. What do you got? You need to do a podcast.
You do it right here on Club Random if you do it my way. Sex expert.
And I'll tell, no, I'll tell you why. Wait, wait, wait.
I'll tell you why. Because you need to, when you're, I told you,

you were given this chip.

You were given the chip of fame.

Now you want to trade that in for something that uses that,

but takes it to the next level.

You have to trade on what you're already known for.

That's the one thing you're known for.

So you could do a podcast for, I don't know if there's anything

from somebody that age with that point of view, but it couldn't be frivolous.

You have to take it seriously. Could you do that? Possibly.
And talk about sex, but seriously,

serious issues, because there are a lot of really serious issues. I mean, you know, there's one

that's related to what made you famous. Yep.
What? What am I going to say? You have no idea what I'm going to say. I don't know.
I don't know where this is going. I'm kind of nervous.
Okay, I'm going to tell you where it's going. You learned that thing about spitting from porn.
That's where that came. What? You did.
Maybe not directly, but trust but trust me like that the idea of spitting first of all it's gross it's not necessary it never existed before porn do you know that do you realize that yeah and porn is not benign it is not and it has warped the minds of the kids in your generation, especially the guys. Yeah, they come up with some sick shit.
Yes. People are just.
Yeah, no, I know they are. People are fucking sickos.
And, you know, whatever floats your ark. Whatever floats your ark.
Your ark. You know, I visited once.

It's in your state.

It's the, like, museum, the Holy Land Museum, I think they call it.

You've never been there where they have the Jesus riding a dinosaur?

Really, really?

Well, they believe that Jesus lived on the earth at the same time as the dinosaurs, which is really stupid.

You think dinosaurs are real?

Did you graduate high school?

I did.

And do you think they taught you anything?

No.

Yeah.

I mean, I know a few things about numbers, but other than that, nope.

Right.

It is the saddest thing.

It is.

They don't teach you anything you need to know about life. I worked at a gas station for three years and learned how to write a check there.

Our school didn't teach us that.

Thank you. It is the saddest thing.
It is. They don't teach you anything you need to know about life.
I worked at a gas station for three years and learned how to write a check there. Our school didn't teach us that.
Not just about life, but like we used to actually learn subjects, you know, like history and civics and science. And so you had a knowledge of things so that if you went out with sophisticated people, you could carry on a conversation.
I mean, they have left you kids high and dry

on the side of the road like an abandoned puppy.

Yeah.

It's just terrible.

But you know what?

We're going to get you up to speed.

Yes, the sex expert show.

That's a good start.

But again, can't be giggly.

You can't just be laughing at,

at silly stuff.

I definitely would.

You would?

I definitely would.

I'm not a serious person.

I'm not saying you can't,

uh,

enjoy yourself,

but okay,

then,

then we can't do that.

Okay,

that's out.

That's definitely out.

But it's too bad.

Cause I'd be sitting there going,

hold Tom. It's too bad because that's, that would be a That's out.
That's definitely out. But it's too bad.
Because I'd be sitting there going, hold on, Tom. It's too bad, because that would be a good thing.
Because people, again, already know you from something sexual. So they're like, they would go with that.
And then we could transition from that to something more broadly. But again, we got to get away from Hawk Mm-hmm.
And we got to get away, we got to get to something new. So, all right, look, we'll come back to it.
Okay, we'll come back to that. But, no, you know, your generation is so different than mine.
For example, mine had parents. Yeah, fair enough.
Wait, wait, is that a personalized joke? A personalized joke? Okay, we're not using the word personalized correctly, but... You get what I'm saying.
Is that a joke towards me? I do get what you're saying. Anytime I correct you, it's only for your benefit.
It's because you love me, right? It's true. All right.
It's only because I want you to be better. Anyway, no, I just never, you know, rarely you meet somebody your age who isn't at least from a divorced family.
I mean, the parents who stay together are just few and far between. So many of them, I mean, weren't you raised by your grandmother? Didn't I read that? Okay, there you go.
Oh, yeah, that's why I'm so mannersome. Like, if you go out that door, I'm going to open that door for you.
You don't find that very often. You're going to open the door for me? Yeah, that's manners.
I mean, that's beyond manners. Well, usually women don't open the door for men, but I mean, if that's where you want to go.
Well, I'm different. Knock yourself around.
I'm a little difficult. I had a man opening the door for me.
I can get it myself. Could you also move my barbells up to the attic if you got a minute? Your barbells? I don't know how heavy are they.
Let me get back to you on that.

But so your grandmother raised you, huh?

She did.

And where was your mother?

Probably on the street doing crack somewhere.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Fuck. The way these people just have kids and then get in a cab.

Yup. They say, peace.

She gone.

So what's your relationship with your mother now?

I still don't speak to her.

Is she better?

Is she not on crack?

I wish I could say no.

But you don't know.

I don't keep up with her.

I couldn't even tell her where she's at.

Really?

And she doesn't try to find you?

Mm-mm.

No?

Nope.

I'm fine with it that way.

Well. I've done this long without her.
I don't need her now. Yeah, good for you.
Never have. Because I got my granny girl.
Your granny. Yeah, and she raised you.
But how old are you? And you're not married? 68. Never been.
68. How do you feel about an 80-year-old woman? How do you feel about that? If you only knew the first thing about me.

What's the first thing about you?

Well, then I wouldn't be with you. I'm not going to call you Pawpaw or nothing,

but hey, I'm trying to throw something together.

Absolutely.

Pawpaw, is that like Tennessee for daddy?

No, that's like grandpappy, you know?

Oh, I see.

I might call you grandpappy, but I ain't going to call you Pawpaw.

Grandpappy Bill.

She raised you.

Thank you. Oh, I see.
I might call you grandpappy, but I ain't going to call you papa. Grandpappy Bill.

She raised you.

Hmm?

And your father?

He's here.

He's here where?

What's here?

Like, he's here and there.

He's always worked a whole lot, but I don't live with him.

He's worked a whole lot.

Yeah, he works a lot. But didn't raise you? He did.
Oh, he did? Mm-hmm. He lived with you and your grandma? Mm-mm.
Like, I go stay with him every other weekend and stuff like that. Oh, so he was in your life? Yeah.
You're not mad at him? No. Just the mother? Yeah, we despise that woman.
Right. Very badly.
Well, you know, who can blame you? Yeah. I mean, you only get one mother.
Yeah. So if that one.
She's got a good soul, I guess you could say, but she's just, I guess she, how can I put it? She got in the wrong crowd, if that makes sense. She has a good soul.
She's just, ah, hell, who am I kidding? Fuck her. We ain't worried about her.
We are not worried about her. No, I think that's the right attitude.
Yeah. You have a very healthy attitude about that, which, you know, not everybody does.
You were dealt a shitty hand. You could feel sorry for yourself, but I see...
I won't. No, that's great.
And, you know, you could be bitter and talking about I'm a victim. And, you know, we're all victims to different degrees.
But I'm not going to come out, oh, my mama's a crackhead and just crying about this and the other. No.
Right. You're not going to get that out of me.
Right. And later on in life, if you want crack— I know who to go to, you know? That's the way you got to look at it.
Come on, There's always a positive in everything. I'm sure it wouldn't be hard to find her.
Mommy, you got some crack? Yeah. Yeah.
Of course, we're kidding about that. She wouldn't share.
Right. Crack kids, they're not big sharers.
They're like Superman. Well, they're not big sharers.
No. It's an addiction.
But that's good that you're, you know, you can let yourself be mad. Mad is better than sad.
Oh, yeah. You know, mad is strong.
I mean, not too, obviously, you could take that too far. You don't, you know, you don't want to like, you know, shoot a president's ear off.
No, you don't worry about that. I probably shoot my own shoot my own foot off or something before I got to that.
Yeah. Do you have guns? You're from Tennessee.
You must. I mean, all my family does.
I don't really fool with them much. I'm telling you, I'm not coronated.
I'd blow my toes off. Like, I don't need a gun.
Right. Yeah.
Where do you live now? You still live with Granny? It's an hour, maybe an hour and 10 minutes, if that, south of Nashville. It's out in the boonies.
Like, if you go down there, there ain't nothing. You would not eat there.
There's no way you would. I am familiar with America in that way.
Yeah. No, I mean, I'm not saying I'm the guy in Deliverance in the woods, square like a pig.
I'm just saying. You are the guy in the woods.
I checked out your area. I just know that outside, especially in the South and the Midwest, when you get an hour outside of the city, you are really outside of the city.
It's not like where I grew up in New Jersey, where it's the city and then the suburbs. So they, of course, have their own despising of each other for silly reasons.
You know, Long Island thinks the people in Manhattan are snobs, and the people in Manhattan think the people in New Jersey and Long Island are the bridge and tunnel crowd. There's a lot of that.
But it's not like, you know, the people in Atlanta and Nashville are pretty much like everywhere other when you're in a city. They vote mostly Democratic.
They're more liberal. But, yeah, you get an hour outside, and, you know, it is deliverance time.
I mean, it can be really just different. And probably I think they would be friendly unless you provoke them.
Yeah. But you know what Appalachia is? Mm-mm.
No? You never heard that word? Mm-mm. You live in it.
Like the Appalachian Mountains? Yes. Is that what you mean? Well, there's a section of the country.
It traverses about, I don't know, six or eight different states. It goes all the way from, I think, western Pennsylvania down through parts of Maryland, certainly Kentucky, Tennessee, where else? West Virginia.
That's Appalachia. And it's known for, I mean, for lack of a better word, hillbillies.
Yeah. I understand.
Yeah, people who drink moonshine, got into meth. They're damn good people, though.
You ever met any hillbillies besides me? Woody Harrelson. Who's that? Who's that? Oh, that makes me feel better.
You don't know Woody Harrelson either. No, I don't.
Really? Woody Harrelson? Uh-uh. That is time.
What a ravager. I mean, man.
I don't know anything. I'm just kind of here.
I know. That's cool.
You're not supposed to. It's not on the test yet.
In a year. Yeah.
Well, you know, you don't want to wait too long. Another great bit of advice, I think, for anyone your age is when you're 21, it does seem like the world and the time ahead of you is limitless.
It's an ocean of time. It goes pretty quick.
You don't want to turn around, which happens like that, and you're 30, and you still haven't, like, made a start with something. Unless you just want to, like, get married and have babies, which is perfectly okay.
I don't want to do that. You don't want to do that.
This is my prime time. Right.
Like, I want to get out there and have some fun, you know. Right.
See different shit. That's what I'm doing right now.
This is my first time in L.A. I'm still doing it at 68.
So you're preaching to the converted about that. Yeah, there you go.

I never understood that.

I was like, wait, there's a fun phase of life.

Let's just keep doing that phase.

Yeah, there you go.

Instead of going to these phases of, oh, now we're married, and now we have children.

Have you been married?

I told you I was never married.

Never?

Never.

You got any kids?

Not to my knowledge?

No?

Not to your knowledge?

No. Hmm? Never.
You got any kids? Not to my knowledge? No? Not to your knowledge? No. Hmm.
No. This is Bill's world.
We're just living in a... Exactly.
You're damn right. Now you're catching on.
But I don't find that to be a detriment, and I don't feel any need to apologize for it. Yeah.
But also, yes, I do like my own company. Not all the time.
But I just, you know, I just, some people, it's just your nature. I travel alone.
I travel, I like to travel quickly and do what I want to do, what I want to do, and do this and not have to explain it to anybody. And, you know, looking back in my life, I realized most of the stress came from being in a relationship, even a good one.

Even a good one?

Even a good one, because you're still always having to think about another person every day.

You've got to live your life and somebody else's life.

You ain't got to worry about granny, though.

Granny?

Yeah, you ain't got to worry about granny.

Your granny are we talking about?

We can build you a house in the backyard, and you can just, hey, what's up, you know, every other day. We're just going.
She'd like that, too. Wait, I'm with your Granny now? Is that where you're? I'm trying to set something up here.
I think you're barking up the wrong tree here. You think so? I do.
I don't think I am. I really do.
You're pretty cool. Maybe you can get her to smoke with you.
Does she?

No, we wish you would.

She's always a nervous little wreck, bless her heart.

We're like, smokey adobee, you'll feel better.

I ain't smoking that shit.

Well, her generation probably thinks it's the devil's weed or something.

The devil's weed? They were pretty much against that kind of stuff in the South for a long time. Yeah.
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So, I'm very curious, like, I'm sure you've had so many offers to do so many things now that you're the it girl yeah you ever heard that term the it girl yeah by jason derulo oh yeah it's a song yeah oh who do you listen to i don't know i like country music do you like yeah i do do you well some like like any music i like the good parts and not the bad parts yeah um i like you know i could name lots of country i love brooks and dunn remember them are they before you're done okay you like keith whitley never heard of him put your mouth back sorry you're just gonna start another meme Probably. They're just going to start another meme.

Probably.

They're going to blame it on me.

A whole bag of peckers in my mouth.

Right.

And again, we need to move past that, Haley.

Yeah.

If you don't want, trust me.

I'll try to keep my mouth shut.

Yeah, just listen to me. What are we talking about? What did I just ask you? Country music.
Who else do you like? What about Taylor Swift? I like Taylor Swift. You do? I do.
I liked her more when she was country. I did too.
I really liked her. When I was younger growing up, I loved it.
I loved that. You know that song? Yeah.
Do you really like that song? I love it. Would I have dame-checked it if I didn't? I bet you sitting here high as hell and you just mind your business listening to Sparks Fly, don't you? I'd do it.
It's happened. I mean, I don't think I put it on purposely to, like, commune with it, but it's in my playlist.
I love it.

But, you know, I mean, I don't know.

Look, I'm sure she's a lovely person,

but the whole thing with the football player,

just like, I just felt like 35 was a little old to be like,

my boyfriend's a football player.

And I wear his jersey to the game with his number on it. Right? I mean, come on.
Whatever makes her happy. Oh, of course.
If that's what she wants to do and it makes her happy, gone. And I got nothing to do with me.
I know. He's going to dump her, though.
You know that. I'm going to be a Travis Kelce hater.
I mean, with her, it's like the gatorade at the super bowl you know you're gonna get dumped you just don't know when but you gotta think about this way if he does that can you imagine the next album we're gonna get off of that yes i can it won't be fuck john mayer no more it'll be fuck travis that was a long time ago yeah it was yeah is she Yeah. Is she still singing about that? No, it's just her old music.
Right, but her tour was the era's tour, and it was like a recapitulation of all her... Old music.
Right. So it must have had the songs about all the people that she wrote songs about.
Now you've got a point. I feel tacky singing about my ex-boyfriend.
I think it's very tacky. Like years later.
I think it's very tacky. I've been thinking about it.
I'm like, damn, didn't I forget him? Yeah. I mean, you can't control what the muse dictates to you.
I mean, she's a songwriter. I mean, what's in her mind, what's coursing through her emotions? Of course, it was breakup stuff, so she's going to write songs.
I can't fault her for that. When she comes on in the car, ooh-wee.
But it does seem like such a recurrent theme that at some point you just want to say, maybe you should write a song called Maybe It's Me. Maybe it's me.
Just so. But no, I'm an admirer.
I mean, anyone who, I mean, you're too young to remember anything. Like what? Like I was going to say, the Beatles, Elvis, Frank Sinatra, other musical performers who have had just immense careers like this, where they dominated beyond just mere culture, I mean, rather real, just the music into the culture.
And she has too. So I have to put her in that pantheon.
I don't get Michael Jackson also. I like Michael Jackson.
You like him? Who doesn't? Yeah, he's got good music. Oh, yes.
Unconventional babysitter. But...
Where do you come up with this shit? Where do I come up with this shit? You are adorable. I don't know.
I should be a comedian. And you just say it so casually, and it goes right over my head.
I'm like, wait a damn minute. Yeah.
Well, you heard about that. Yeah.
Yeah. What do you think? After a while, pedophile.
After a while, pedophile? Is that a saying? He's a creeper, wasn't he? Yes. Well, I mean, you know, do we have...
But then again, he's like one of the only ones that got caught doing it, kind of like R. Kelly.
Like, who don't we know about? Very true, especially in the music industry. Makes you wonder, don't it? Oh, I don't wonder.
I mean, the P. Diddy thing.
Yeah. That one went over my head.
I forgot about that. Well, I mean, that certainly exposed just, I think, just the beginning of the cracking of the ice, because that goes deep in the music industry.
I've known too many people in the music industry,

women in the music industry,

and the tales they have told.

It's relentless, it's never-ending,

and it's ubiquitous.

Do you know what that word means?

That's a large word. Could you explain that?

Well, see, they should have taught you that in school,

but it's a good word to know.

And, you know, when you learn words,

as soon as you know them and you hear them,

you'll be surprised.

Then you'll hear it again quickly

we've got to do it. They should have taught you that in school, but it's a good word to know.
And, you know, when you learn words, as soon as you know them and you hear them, you'll be surprised. Then you'll hear it again quickly because you actually heard it many times.
It just didn't register because you didn't know what it was. How did you say that? Ubiquitous? Ubiquitous.
Ubiquitous. Means everywhere.
Ubiquitous. Like germs are ubiquitous.
Means they're just everywhere. Viruses.
We're breathing in trillions of them right now. They're ubiquitous.
What? That speaks me a little bit. When you had your viral moment, you were practically ubiquitous.
Yeah. It was everywhere.
It was everywhere. And so next time you're interviewed and they ask you about it, work that in.
I'm going to have to put that in my notes so I don't forget it. Actually, I might need you to sound that out for me afterwards.
I'm not the best speller. You work that in.
Ubiquitous. You know, just be like, oh, man, I was ubiquitous.
Yeah, bitch. And then my catchphrase, yeah, bitch.
That's also helpful. You can get you like a big light-up sound that says, yeah, bitch.
So, all right, so you listen to Taylor Swift and who else? Who else is like... Have you heard of Tate McCray? Do you listen to a lot of rap?

I mean, here and there, I like old rap, though.

I don't listen to much new rap.

What's old to you, old rap?

To me, it's like Jay-Z and Tupac.

No?

You've heard of Jay-Z.

Yeah, and Tupac.

I've heard of both of them. I just don't listen to them like that.

Yeah.

Besides that one song Jay-Z's in, it's like,

concrete jungle, wet dream tomato.

You know, about New York.

Wet dream tomato?

That's not really what it says, but that's what it sounds like,

and that's what I know it by.

Wet dream tomato.

Concrete jungle, wet dream tomato.

I mean, but you know, that's been going on for a very long time

where we hear lyrics and then we think. They sound like something else.
There was one lined in by the light and then set up like a douche in the middle of the night. And it's like, that can't be it.
I mean, I think other comics have sometimes pointed these out. So from Stealing Their Thunder, there was a song called Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Claude or Revival.

I'm sure you're a big fan.

And there's a bad moon rising and something, something.

And it did sound like they were saying, there's a bathroom on the right. There's a bathroom on the right.
And that is not what they were saying. So you're not the first one.
No. But if you mean that New York, New York song, that is a great song.
You like it? Well, I think Rihanna sings the hook on that, doesn't she? I think so. Yeah.
No, it's a great combination. He's a great collaborator jay-z yeah he's been on my show a couple of times he always called himself a serial collaborator i remember that jay-z's been on here no my other show my tv show i know you know what you don't know what daddy does for a living but uh i'm a professor.
I watched a little bit while ago. I'm a professor at MIT.
Are you really? No, that's what Howard Stern used to say. I tell my kids I'm a professor.
I'm a professor. That was really so funny.
You could be a professor. I could be a professor.
You look sophisticated. I'm a professor of show business.
Yeah. And I think you're smart enough to, like, absorb what I'm telling you.
But I'm telling you, this is a great opportunity for you to, you should listen to me because this is such a crucial moment for you. You're at a crossroads of your life.
You've been given this chip. Remember we discussed the chip? Now, it's like a lottery.
It's like a winning lottery ticket. You could throw it in the garbage, or you could just lose it, or you could parlay it into something amazing.
You know, we don't want to see you back at the Spring Factory in three years. See, once you've seen, there's an old saying, how are you going to keep them down on the farm once they've seen Paris? It was a saying when the boys in America were going off to World War I.
Did they teach you in school when World War I was? I'm sure they did, but I probably took a nap in that class. Do you have any idea? Let's see.
I'm going to say it was in the 19th. 1914 to 1918 was World War I.
World War II was the 1940s, the first half of the 19th. You weren't born yet? I was not.
But it's important that you know these basic markers in history. But anyway, when they were going off and they were going to France and there was a song, I think it was a song, how are you going to keep them down on the farm after they've seen Paris? Meaning, like, once you've seen something spectacular like that, you can't go back.
And you can't go back. You know, now you've seen show business.
Mm-hmm. You've...
Now I can't go back to my spring factory. It would be very difficult.
You're a celebrity now. That don't mean nothing.
I don't want you to lose at all your southern charm and your natural thing. But, yeah, you might consider going with the glass.
You might consider it? I can see. I can see.
It's okay. That's what they put it in a can for.
Okay. It's like real chilly.
There might be germs on that can.

We were talking about germs being ubiquitous.

Don't talk about that.

Because then we'll sit there and think about every person that's touched the room of it.

I don't know.

We're figuring it out.

We are figuring it out.

By the time you leave that seat, we've got to have a clear outline.

Because, again, time is of the essence.

America gets tired of shit quick.

Yeah, they do.

You know, you don't want to be yesterday's fish.

You want to be tired of them before they're tired of you.

Let me tell you a story about the Beatles.

Oh, goodness.

All right, I'm all here for it.

Back in the, when were the Beatles?

Do you remember? Do you have any idea what decade that was? You give me a minute. Hold on, hold on.
Well, if World War I was the... 70s? Close, 60s.
60s, okay, I was close. I said close.
Right. I'll give you credit where credit is.
Well, thank you. Okay.
After Beatlemania, you remember Beatlemania, the world went nuts just the way they do it. Just like Taylor Swift now.
Like it's all anybody ever talked about. There was nobody else who was close to them on the charts.
Everything was one group got all the attention.

So their fourth album, the first song on it was Tax Man.

Tax Man?

Yeah.

And it was kind of their way of saying,

we're not with the teenagers anymore.

We're growing up, and we're going to stay ahead of you.

Because what could be less interesting to teenagers than taxes? Well. So that's what you have to do.
You have to stay ahead. They're going to want to always keep you where you were.
I got to get ahead of them. You got to tell them you're Haley.
You've morphed into this, you know, it was great.

The origin story, it was great.

That was the ashes from which your phoenix rose from.

That's the body that your snake shed, the skin it shed.

That's the egg you came out of.

Not that you're a snake or a chicken.

You got a great way of saying things. But you did grow up on a farm.

And now you're not the worm. You're the butterfly.
Yeah. You have to demand to be seen that way.
I'm coming out of my cocoon. You're coming out of your cocoon.
Exactly. And, you know, we don't hate the cocoon.
The cocoon was great for a while. Who doesn't mind to live in a cocoon? Yeah.
I think it'd be nice. Kind of secluded by yourself.
But it's great to be a butterfly. Yeah.
Okay. So who else are you listening to? You listen to Taylor Swift, you listen to some country guy you never heard of.
Keith Whitley. I can't believe you never heard of Keith Whitley.
You know who I, I just recently, he died. And so I.
Toby Keith? Yes. You like Toby Keith? I got his 35 greatest hits.
Yes. Because I made fun of him back in the day.
You wouldn't remember where you were born in 03? Mm-hmm. Okay.
So that's the year we invaded Iraq, not that I have to tell you. And the country was very divided.
And Toby Keith put out a song about, like, you know, put a boot in your ass. And I got to tell you, I like it a lot more now than I did then.
Just because the left has gotten so obnoxious that, like, it's, you know, I still think we probably shouldn't have gone into Iraq. But anyway, so I got this whole thing, and I liked a lot of them.
They're good, aren't they? There's one called, I'm not as young as I once was, but I can do once what I used to do. I ain't as good as I once was.
That one? Yes. Yeah.
But what's the second? I'm not as good as I once was, but I can do once as good as I ever could. That's the idea of it, which I think is so funny and certainly rings true at my age.
I'm not as good as I once was, but I can do once as good as I ever could. What do you think about what's the one I really like? My favorite ones I want to talk about? Me.
Have you heard that one? Yes. I love that.
I love that one. Very fun.
Well, country lyrics are, in general, very often superior to pop lyrics. Not the best pop lyrics.
There are some amazing pop lyrics. I mean, I would put, you know, our greatest lyricist people, I'm sure you know very well, like Paul Simon and Billy Joel.

I would put them.

Oh, folks, if you're not watching this, if you're just listening,

you're missing such good two shots with you.

You make very good faces.

It says it all.

Well, if my mouth don't say it, my face will. No more of that.
Sorry. It's a bad habit.
So, but country lyrics are generally, they're clever, they're funny, and they're heartful. They're, you know, there's a kind of country song that's too country that I don't like with the kind of like fiddle and I don't know.

It's just, I don't mind the twangy voice.

But when country got to be more like country rock, it totally won me over.

But the old school kind of like, you know, fiddle.

You know, George Strait?

Don't know his work.

Don't do that. I'm so sorry.
You don't know the king of country? George Strait isn't. I know enough about the country to know that he's not the king of it.
George Strait. Well, say Keith Whitley wouldn't have died.
Of all the country stars, he's the king. Yeah.
More than, like, Garth Brooks. Garth Brooks is really good.
And big. They were big.
Now, George Strait, you got to do your research on him. He's great.
I will. I always like to give anybody a chance.
You like Leonard Skinner? Leonard Skinner, yeah. Love me some Leonard Skinner.
I mean, I don't consider that country. No, you said some great rocks i was like oh yeah leonard skinnard leonard skinnard sweet home alabama leonard skinnard i mean yeah tuesday's gone free bird free bird so good but they're a that they're a hard rock band they're not country at all.
Their lyrics are, you know. Good.
They are nostalgic for the South at a time, it seems, when it was very bad for black people to live there. You know they used to be really bad to black people in the South, right? Yeah.
Okay. I don't know.
Yeah, they did teach us that in school.

They did?

They did.

I'm so curious.

What did they teach you about the civil rights movement or slavery or whatever in school? Because there's a lot of complaints from school board type people.

That's some stuff I actually did learn a lot about.

Like Harriet Tubman, she done the Underground Railroad.

Yes, she did.

I know that.

I know who Martin Luther King Jr. is.
Rosa Parks. You do know who Martin Luther King is? Mm-hmm.
Okay. And that's stuff I actually paid attention to.
They interested me. Now you get to like— Well, what was Martin Luther King trying to achieve? I mean, he was shot in 1968.
He was trying to be fair, was he not? He was what? He was trying to be fair. Trying to be fair.
Yeah. Well, he was trying to— Like black people equal white people, you know? Right.
He was trying to get fairness for black people, yes. You know, at a time when it wasn't even necessarily encoded into law, or there was something called the 1964 Civil Rights Act.
So that's 1964. I was eight years old, so it's not a million years ago.
You're sitting with someone who was alive when it happened. It was a law that, you know, and this is 100 years after the Civil War.
So 100 years after black people were officially freed, they still needed to pass this landmark legislation to allow them basic things like, you know, you could use the same bathroom. You know, you weren't allowed to deny them to eat in a restaurant or stay at a hotel.
I mean, this is pretty basic stuff. They had to fight for it.
They had to fight tooth and nail. Some people would say President Kennedy was assassinated for it.
You know who that is? Yeah, I've heard about him. He got shot in the back of the head, didn't he? In the car.
You think our ancestors actually come out of monkeys? They... Like, you know, they said they evolved from monkeys and then were here.
Of course they evolved, not from monkeys. Monkeys are our cousins.
But monkeys and humans have a common ancestor. Of course.
Yeah, they just got a tail. You know that in your state of Tennessee, they had a very famous trial called the Scopes Trial.
What's that? In 1925, seven years after the end of World War I, they had a trial where Clarence Darrow and, oh, who was it? He ran for president. I forget his name.
He was the two most famous lawyers of their day. And one of them defended the idea that humans were descended from a common ancestor of apes, primates, which is the truth.
And the other one said, no, it's not in the Bible. And of course, the people there in Tennessee in 1925, and probably today, were very supportive of the idea.
It was in the Bible and it's just offensive to even think that we were evolved. But we did and it's not offensive and it's science.
And I hope as you go forth in the world, whoever you encounter, you present yourself as someone who believes in the theory of evolution.

It's not a theory anymore.

Okay, good.

So don't even ask the question.

We definitely descended from, well, all the way from microscopic life.

One more question for you.

Yes.

I was that lady in the picture, got three boobs.

Where? In this picture? Yep. Oh, because Gilbert Gottfried did that.
He was so funny, wasn't he? Yeah. She's got three boobs.
This happened in a last episode. What the fuck is that? That's a beautiful, beautiful piece.
His wife, his widow sent me that. I thought you were going to say a beautiful lady.
I was like, I don't know about that.

Oh, I just noticed there's a blowjob going on in the upper right.

Well, that's fucking Gilbert.

Did he draw that?

Yeah.

Yeah, he was a very funny comedian.

That's great.

Died a couple of years ago.

That is great.

So humans are so new. Do you know that? I mean, our species is only really a few hundred thousand years old.
Like, you can almost count the generations. And we've only been, like, living the way we live now, not nomadic roaming around where we were settled since about 10,000 BC.
So only about 12,000 years have people like lived relatively close to the way you, before that we were just like huddled and wiping our ass with bark. And leaves.
And leaves and shit, yeah. What kind of house did you have in Tennessee? Was the bathroom out back or was it inside the house? No, it was in the house.
I know. Don't worry, it was in the house.
I'm fucking with you. It's definitely in the house.
They don't have an outhouse. You throw mulch on your shit.
I think that's a thing they do up in Canada, isn't it? What's it? I know they't they have outhouses in Canada? In Canada? And they don't flush. She's like, throw shit on them.
Yeah. I imagine there are places in this world.
I certainly wouldn't single out Canada. It doesn't...
That's what I've always got told. Like, they don't have bathrooms, though.
They just have outhouses. It is a very sophisticated country.
I'm sure it is. Yeah.
You've been, wherever you travel, where would you like to travel? Have you ever been here before to L.A.? Yeah, this is my first week. Your first week.
And you came out here to do a bunch of stuff? Well, a little bit. A little bit.
I've been busy this week. We'll get to have fun next week.
I'm going home this weekend, then I'll be back. Okay, look at you.
We'll get to have fun next week. You're in show business.
Business, I guess, this week. Well, I tell you, you are a breath of fresh air for a country.
Oh, thank you. No, you are.
You're adorable. For a country that needs, you know, a lot of relief.
There's a lot of shit going on right now. So, you know, I think you just brought a smile to people's faces, and that's really nice.
We're good. So, you know, let them do something for you now.
Let them spit on your dick. No, I don't know about that.
I'm a dermaphobe. Yeah, I know.
We're not going to talk about that anymore. That's the old, that's the origin story.
Yeah. Right? Not anymore.
Right.

Are you interested in, you kids these days,

like I say, you're interested in TV.

Do you even know what a TV is?

I watch TV sometimes.

You actually have a TV?

Mm.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Because usually kids your age, they don't even have one.

It's like a typewriter to them.

Yeah.

A TV?

A TV, a television set. I like watching my TV.
Me too. I find it comforting.
Me too. Like you lock yourself in your bedroom and you just watch TV and you don't look at your phone or nothing.
Yeah. Right.
I like that. And how much are you on the phone? I try not to be on it a whole lot.
Do you use dating apps? No. No? Uh-uh.
Good. I good i'm not interested in that's so good because that's part of the evil it's not like i'm out looking for it either though i'm not like if it crosses paths with me sure that's one thing but i'm not out looking for it that's a great attitude yeah and that's i'm in my prime time you know i want to have fun i'm not here trying to get married the next year you know i really just i don't know it weirds me I'm in my prime time, you know.
I want to have fun. I'm out of here trying to get married the next year, you know.

I really just, I don't know, it weirds me out.

I'm about like you.

It's a shame Deion Sanders already has the prime time nickname

because that would be good for you.

Prime time.

But, you know, maybe he's not using it.

You could steal it.

Maybe.

You know him, Deion Sanders?

Nope.

I can Google him, though.

Don't worry.

You're going to be doing a lot of Googling.

Yeah. I have a lot of research to catch up on.
Jesus. Mm-hmm? You know, he's the guy who they started to count time again for.
Like, when he's born, that's how big a deal he was. You think Taylor Swift was big, you know? Yeah.
He had followers. Yeah.
I mean, he had followers. I'm not kidding.
He did. So if he ever lived, which is not certain.
Anyway, but when he is born, that's when we start counting time again. That's when we go from BC, before Christ, to AD.
They say it doesn't really stand for after death, but it kind of, well, it doesn't because he dies in 33. So yeah, it wouldn't work.
And BC probably stands for something. I don't know.

That's really what it means. Like this motherfucker was such a badass that we started counting time

again. I mean, they can parse it any way they want.
That's really what it is. So that's where

BC goes. So when you're talking about BC years, you're counting backwards.
So 500 BC is a- And then you go to like 400 BC. Right.
Yeah, they taught us that in school. Yeah.
I learned that. They did? In like fifth grade is when I learned that.
And Greek civilization, one of the early important civilizations that gave the world so many things that have been carried through,

like the idea of democracy and stuff like that.

When was that about?

That's B.C. time, so I'll give you that.

It was B.C. time?

Yes.

300s, I'd say.

I don't know.

I'm not confident in my answer.

No, no, no.

Very good. It's very close.
200s. No, no, no.
Very good.

It's very close.

Two hundreds.

No, no.

I know.

A little further back.

I mean, Athens thrived in the second half of the fifth century BC, which is like the 400s.

And then Rome.

Rome followed Greece.

Those were the two pillars of antiquity, Greece and Rome.

You know Rome, right?

Is that someplace you'd like to travel to?

Thank you. Greece.
Those were the two pillars of antiquity, Greece and Rome. You know Rome, right? Is that someplace you'd like to travel to? It would be pretty cool.
It would be pretty cool. Italy? Yeah.
You've heard of the Colosseum? I'd like to go to Venice, Italy, before it sinks. I've been there.
Did you like it? Well, it stinks like a turd, but, well, it's built on canals. It stinks.

It's just, you can be, like, on that canal,

and, like, you'll turn down another street, you know,

a street of water, and you just lose your lunch.

I mean, it's just like, yeah.

I can't do smells.

I can do anything but a smell.

And I can't do a city that's built on water.

It's fucking nuts.

And it floods all the time. I mean, it's gorgeous and romantic.
And it's so popular now as a tourist site that they had to institute a fee just to get into the city, just to get into the city, not even do anything. Just to get in? Yeah, because it itself is such a big Torah site.
Oh, yeah.

I haven't planned a vacation yet.

There's a lot going on in the world.

I don't know anything about, yes.

Exactly.

You educated me.

You know the Chinese just brought back a rock from the dark side of the moon?

What?

The Chinese sent a probe up to the moon, and they brought back a rock from the dark side of the moon, which we had never done. Maybe they'll smoke it.
I know why. Moon dust.
Actual moon dust. Why? Is that a thing, moon dust? I don't know.
Oh. But it's actually like off the moon, though.
Did you see a lot of opioid abuse in your area

of, you know, that's the

part of the country that...

I don't think. I don't know.

I don't pay attention to that.

You didn't know anybody who was like

on Oxy and they call

it the hillbilly heroin.

That's

what I know of, but I don't see anybody

openly admitting it, you know.

Alright, so you don't

want to be in

Thank you. That's what I know of.
But I don't see anybody openly admitting it, you know? All right. So you don't want to be in, well, TV.
What do you think about some kind of TV career? Yeah, I possibly could. I got some acting classes.
Acting? Maybe. Oh, well, this is a twist in the plot.
Maybe. I said maybe.
I don't know. I'm keeping my options open.
I can do it, possibly. You know, you have to be very dedicated.
Maybe not acting. Maybe like reality TV or something.
I think it would be a shame because your own personality is so good. It's like sometimes people still will say to me, oh, you're an actor.
And I'm like, no, I'm not. That is not what I am.
I'm almost the opposite of an actor. And I take pride in that.
You know, like, no, I'm me. I'd rather be playing me all the time than playing somebody else.
Than a phony character. Well, not that.
It's not phony. I mean, there's brilliant people who do acting.
And they do it at an amazing level. And it's great and entertaining.
And I'm glad they do it. It is entertaining.
But for some of us, it's just not right. You know, I think we're going to want to see, yeah, that little face.
Yes? Yes, doing that shit. Yeah.
That's it. We'll get it figured out.
Yes. I'm telling you, you got to strike while the iron's hot.
Mm-hmm. You're going to want to travel, right? Mm-hmm.
You want to know where you are. You want to know, like, you know, you you said you roam you want to go to rome anywhere else to bring to mind paris yeah the places go to paris i think it'd be fun yeah you got to go to the places they put on instagram yeah all the hype places i want to go see them is that what you see like the eiffel tower is that what you see on instagram stuff like that i see that's what you.
And you see something and you would want to go there. What about London? I could go to London.
I could. I'm never down, or I'm never not down for a trip.
I think we need to conquer America first. Yeah.
I'm just getting to explore all this. Well, you know, it could translate overseas or it could not.
But we know here in America, you've captured the country by storm. Mm-hmm.
So let's just use our strengths, our adorableness, our innocence. Well, thank you.
That all. And figure out what the next step is for Haley and not, let's just call her HT.
Yeah. We'll get there.
Don't worry. All right.
Am I going to do anything for you in this business? Be happy to. Well, thank you.
You're a delight. And you're just like when the Beatles came in 1964.
We had just been through a terrible time with the Kennedy assassination, as you remember, was 1963. Yep.
We got shot in the back of the head. Yep.
You remember that part. And they came along and just reminded the country of just joyful innocence and laughter.
And that's what you've done. Slightly less musically talented.
Yeah. I can't dance.
I know. But just keep doing that, okay? I will.
All right. I'm about to pee my pants.
I've been holding my pants for like two hours. I feel so good that you had to pee before I did.
Yeah, I know. Right here.
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