Drew Barrymore | Club Random

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and i i had this realization i'm gonna cry again because you know i got the box

to get away with

oh i'll do it for free

cheers to that

That sound effect was really interesting.

Lady of the house here.

Lady of the house.

Hi.

Oh, so glad you're here.

I used to try to do yoga in here, and it was like

to like you, you brought good air into it.

Well, I have to tell you, not only am I thrilled that you're here, but this is the first time we've ever used

this bench.

I heard, but then I gotten to my inner director and I was like, well, you have three-quarter shots, not even over sides, so you're getting more than a profile, which is really well done.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm not a director, so I don't really know what you're talking about, but

there are cameras.

Yeah,

I get the layman's basic idea.

I just, no, I know you are a director.

You directed that awesome

you know, rollerball skating movie.

Yes, you saw it?

Oh, everybody saw it.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

That means so much to me.

Yeah, because people, I mean, who thinks of you first as a director?

Very few.

And why didn't you do it more?

Kids.

Kids.

Yeah.

What, they run on the set while you're directing?

Oh, it takes too much time.

I want it to be like a real.

And by the way, I'm in perimenopause, so I just microphone

a lot.

So, because I'm in that mood, we're like, Well, I didn't think you have to wait for a menopause for that.

Come on, by the way, I haven't, but you know what?

I didn't.

And my mom used to cry all the time, and of course, as a kid, you're like, Oh god, that's so embarrassing.

Um, and then my kids see me cry all the time, but yes, no, I didn't wait till perimenopause to become a crier, but now it comes out in a spilkous way that's so insane.

It's like I'm like horses on the edge of a cliff, like, whoa.

And uh, and what is this word you're saying before menopause Perry who's Perry

what I never heard that what

Perry is like

you're not there you're not in the club yet but you're in the line at the stanchions oh I see you're on the waiting list I'm in the waiting list yeah

so it's coming but and you still feel physical effects I know because it did go to like a sexual place there by the way I know I've been living in like such a sexually minded place doing Hollywood Squares the last two weeks.

Wow.

Why does that make you sexual?

No, it doesn't make me sexual, but you heard the kind of jokes we do in there, and it's just a naughty, fun place.

Certainly not the Hollywood Squares I remember from childhood.

Right?

I know.

Someone asked me, they were like, is this for kids?

I was like,

no, I don't think it is.

No, it's definitely not.

And when is it going on?

It goes fall?

No, I think it'll come in January again.

Oh,

on CBS at night, right?

Yes, at like 10 o'clock.

Because I used to watch it at 10 in the morning when I was like sick.

It was like a real treat.

The price is right.

And Hollywood Squares lets me know that I am a child homesick.

I am not at school, but more not at work.

Right.

And since you had such a normal childhood, I mean, who better to speak about that?

I know.

And by the way.

Like, we all had that childhood where we were like taking cocaine at eight

at Studio 54.

I think we all can relate.

I mean,

I remember.

I don't regret a thing, though.

Well, I loved all of it.

You did?

I did.

I really did.

I really do now.

But it's hilarious being a mom because I'm like, oh my God, you can't do that.

But.

See, that's funny because I would think, and by the way, I'm so glad we're starting early today because

liquor for breakfast.

A great is awesome.

Nothing better to do.

By the way, I like to party at 9 a.m.

and then be done by like 3 to 6 p.m.

You know what?

If I can even go that long.

Because I've gotten older.

I never used to get high in the day.

And now I'm the same way.

It's like, why not take advantage of the natural...

Well, the sun is great when you're high.

The best.

And also,

you have more energy.

Yes.

So if you, you know, some people don't like getting high, that's perfectly fine.

Pop doesn't work on everybody.

But if it does work on you, why not use it when you're like peeking?

This is my last tattoo.

And it's like, I time.

Time.

Oh.

I think about it differently now for the first time.

And

I like that that's like a new way of thinking for me.

What is?

Time.

Oh, time.

Like I had just so much time to burn all life, you know, because you're young and you're stupid.

Well, I mean,

so if menopause, that makes you, what, 50?

Yeah, Perry.

But you look great for 50.

I mean, you're still super fuckable.

Which is

all you can ask for at what?

At 50, right?

Is you just want to stay fuckable.

I mean, no person is ever going to be like

very few,

you know, for everybody.

Some, you know, I mean, my age, you know, a lot of people would rule that out.

But, you know, still, like, I would say the pool of men.

I'm shocked to hear you sell yourself short because you come out like such a coxman on your show.

It's like insane the level of fucking bravado you have.

But but, okay, but there's a certain percentage of women, and I would say it's a lot, who if you suggested, you know, being with a 70-year-old man, they'd be like, fuck no.

Are you 70?

Shortly, in a few months, like in six months.

You look fucking great.

So do you.

I think it's something in the pot.

And the iced tea, I drink tea all day long.

I think it's preserving me.

Well, I take also a million supplements.

Right.

You know, they have stuff now.

Yeah,

so they say.

Well, I mean, I think it works because I also give it to the dogs and they seem to live live forever.

Okay, I need some of that shit from my dogs.

Yeah, I mean, they, I mean, I don't know what it is, doggy Flintstone vitamins or whatever, but.

See, that's what I'm trained on is the Flintstone vitamins.

So, like, I only just started thinking about health recently when I realized, oh, time,

you know, like, and I'd like to elongate it now, which was just not like a thought I had, you know.

But you've had so many, I mean, we all had, if we're 50 and up different

eras in our life you know like this era already I'm only a few months in

the 50 right yeah I think you will I like I feel like my life has begun in a lot of ways it's so true as someone 20 years ahead of you I'm telling you I think you'll like it a lot I did I liked it more because I wasn't stupid.

Yes, yes.

To put it just bluntly, I'm just not stupid like I was when I was young.

And I always wanted to trust something or someone.

And I finally found like the deepest and most profound trust.

And do you know who it fucking is with?

You.

Me.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah.

It's like I feel born and liberated

in ways that I did not think possible in my whole life.

And it's, it's like.

Yeah.

The Wizard of Oz Technicolor.

You're like, oh my God.

Yeah.

And I think black and white is beautiful.

So it's not like everything was shit and I regret or I wish I could have done it all differently.

It's like, I did not think that I would talk about psychedelic man.

I didn't think I could be on this earth and know peace or trust or self-protection or these things that I'm knowing now

that are so foreign, but they've,

it's not like I didn't know they existed.

I just didn't know if I would ever reach it.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

Like, especially with relationships with women, like there was when I was, you know, 20s or 30s, I had, I didn't even, wasn't even able to give a woman what she needed.

I just didn't know.

Then I knew, and I didn't have the means in different ways to provide it.

Now I feel like I know and I can give it to you.

And that's a great thing.

And also to not be needy.

Like, you know, I mean, we've all, look, I never got married.

So, like,

that's all different kettle of fish than you.

I mean, when I, when I moved to this house next door, you were living here.

You were married to Tom.

That's right.

By the way.

Had we gotten married yet?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you were totally married.

We were.

In fact, I was living here next door for two weeks when the house burned down.

And I don't know if you remember.

Welcome home.

I don't know if you remember this, but I had a brief conversation with you.

I want to say over the fence, but it couldn't be that because we don't really have a fence.

We have a line of trees between the processes.

But some, maybe the driveway.

But I do remember talking to you.

And again, I was living here two weeks, and it was just a very friendly, neighborly, hey, how you doing?

You know?

And I said to you, like, oh, what are you doing for the weekend?

Anything interesting?

And you said,

last words before the fire.

I'm cooking dinner tonight.

I swear to God.

And the next thing you know, I'm on the phone in the morning.

It's fucking comedy, gold.

It must have been a Sunday that the house was.

Do we just have a smash cut between us cooking dinner?

Well,

that's how it plays in the mind and its perfection.

So my bedroom must be on the, it is, on the other side, of the house closest to this property.

So I didn't even hear the fire.

I woke up my usual time at noon on Sunday and

texted my assistant, which I never do on the weekend.

You know, I don't bother my assistant on the weekend.

I literally, I have such a policy of please don't bother coworkers on the weekend.

Right.

Well, some people, most people, there are some, of course, I'm calling constantly in New York.

So I said, Where's my Sunday, New York Times?

And she said, She said,

Well, they couldn't get it to you because there's 16 fire trucks on the block.

Oh.

By the way, that basically, it's not just funny.

It's also like if I cooked it,

the house might burn down.

So it's funny and it's fucking true.

I will always blame myself for that fire.

I'll always be like, I did something wrong.

You know, I'm like a guilty person by nature.

Everything is my fault.

Well, sure.

You want to get out of the marriage, so you burn the house down.

I think we all.

If only it was that easy.

Whenever I hear the Miley Cyrus

Flowers song,

I think of you because there's that line in it.

She's really talking about her marriage to

Liam Neeson.

That would be different.

Liam Hensworth.

But equally as hot.

In a way.

Absolutely.

I was just watching a trailer for a movie he's doing.

Make a gun.

It looks fucking amazing.

That's hysterical.

That's going to be hysterical.

That's Seth McFarland.

And Akiva Schaefer directing, I fucking cannot wait.

It's the movie I'm the most excited about.

No, but this is one he makes these so many of them.

And this one takes place in Mount Everest.

He goes to bury, his friend dies, and he's got to be 75 now.

It looks the same.

And he's going to bury, he's going to take his friend's ashes who wants to be buried on Mount Everest.

Of course, he runs into bad guys and like guns and buses going off cliffs.

But no, but her song, she says,

we built a home and burned it down.

You know the song Flowers?

It was like the biggest hit last year.

I played it every day coming out to the show.

That's my favorite song.

You know that lyric, right?

And we all know that their house did burn down.

Theirs did too?

Yes, in Malibu.

Oh, yeah.

When we had like the paradise fire.

Oh, what is that?

That's such a clear state of me.

With me, I'm like, I'm sure I caused everything wrong.

And with her, I'm like, oh, their house burned down.

Total empathy.

Oh, that's too bad for them.

That's traumatized.

Like, I'm so sorry that happened.

Me, I'm like,

it's a short list of celebrities who burned their house down to get out of the marriage.

Well, shit, I'm happy to be in a club with them.

And I'm really sorry that we're all in it.

But here we are at this club.

I can't,

I'm so thrilled.

I had been thinking about you so much because you know I watch your show every week I'm so glad every week and

and that's awesome yeah I it's like I see you every Friday night so here we are in my old house

what do you think what do you think of what I've done with the place I felt it was nice when you had it but it wasn't skeezy enough no

you didn't even have a stripper pole oh there is a stripper pole but it's painted white, which is interesting.

Much more of elevated

Eldécor doing stripper polls.

Well, yeah, you're right.

I didn't even know that.

That's a classy one.

And then Whitney's doll, who I've already taken pictures with, P.S.

Oh, my God.

And no,

this was a student of Frank Lloyd Wright's.

At least that's what they told me.

The crooked door.

Yeah.

It's so unique.

And I love Frank Lloyd Wright so much.

Love.

But when you, what did you do with this when you had it?

This was

nothing.

Really?

Nothing.

I did nothing.

But didn't you build the tiki?

Why when this house burned down did I just not move into one of the other little houses?

It's a compound.

It's like a commune, which I could easily see myself living in.

Well, I assumed that the fire

precipitated the divorce in some way.

You know, it's like sometimes traumas happen in marriages.

Right.

And then you can't get over it.

And it's like,

you burn the house down.

No, you burn the house down.

Tom and I had already been through like him going through cancer on camera, which was something like I never would have expected.

Because as much as I'm an open person

and have been an exhibitionist at times throughout my life, but like really liberal and free and like, you know, expressive and finding, you know, out who I was kind of a way,

I was not someone who like wanted to bring a camera into my personal life.

And I did not know how to do that with him.

And he insisted.

He didn't insist.

I was trying to go with the flow, you know, which in some ways could sound like people pleasing.

And in some ways, could be like, I just didn't know myself well enough.

If people pleasing is not a dirty word.

You know, people.

It doesn't have to be, but it has the most negative connotation.

It is a word that has had no favors.

That's well put.

I mean, yes, you can take anything too far.

But like, if I love somebody, I want to please them.

And there are people that would be people pleasing.

And I find it wonderful when they,

you know, have a kowtow, but if they want to please me.

I was just having this conversation literally yesterday.

I was like, who...

if you're in a relationship, like, who is going to inspire you to be able to sit down across from and say,

I'm having a problem.

I'm having an issue.

There's something that you has happened where you have done this.

And even if you word it in the most kind ways, the most unpersecutive, the most, you know, unbinding to feeling guilty, like even if you use the I feel or what my experience is, even if you're so poetic and gentle about it, having a problem in a relationship also connotates you having to then hear something about yourself and do you care about that person enough to change?

But you will also then be questioning something about yourself when you've worked so hard to finally stop putting yourself down or liking yourself enough to want to be that.

And a relationship,

you have to like someone enough,

trust them enough

to alter yourself to fit them too.

Because then if you trust them, you'll be coming from the right place.

You'll be working in harmony with someone.

But I think trust has been like, I think that's the most important thing.

Well,

where I fundamentally don't go with that.

I can't wait to hear it.

Give me.

No, is you use the words change and alter.

And I'll tell you who fixes this problem.

It's on your wrist.

It's time.

When you're first in a relationship,

you know, it's always

when it's going good, like the person is always more than happy to like do it your way.

It's like, you know, maybe you don't want to see the same movie.

And it's just everyone is always picking up the check for the other person.

Everyone's always, metaphorically, you know,

I'm sure you picked up your share of real checks with some of the losers you've gone out with.

I mean, did you ever go out with someone who was richer than you?

No.

Okay.

All right.

But I'm saying metaphorically, picking up the checkout.

You know what I'm saying?

It's like, no, let me do it for you.

That's when it's going good.

When it's going bad, it's like, why don't I get my way on this?

It's always your way.

Like, why do we have to do it?

And this is resentment.

You're doing things you don't want to do for the other person.

It's like, you know, and it winds up this horse trading of, well, I did this for you.

Then you do this for

me.

Fucking horse trading.

And so my view of relationships is, and I've took a long time to learn this, but

once you get into change territory, you're already doomed yourself.

The secret is finding someone who doesn't want you to change and won't ask you to change, and you the same of them.

That's how if you want the short, skinny version, I think, of how what is going to work and what's not long run, that's got to be it.

Anything else is the the the fuse is lit and the time bomb is ticking because

we don't want to change who we are.

If you're healthy, you like who you are.

You should love who you are.

I love you even more now because, I mean, I never talk to you like this.

You're a little different than you are on TV.

Yeah.

And, you know, really, like,

you know, I like it that there's no people pleasing here.

You know, you just tell me the truth, which is great, which is what I'm going for.

And that's, you know, I don't think anybody should ask you to change.

And I don't think at 50,

it's a smart move anyway, because you're kind of set.

You know,

whenever somebody asks me, what are your New Year's resolutions?

I always say, to do the ones from 1975,

because

I've basically, you know, I've tried to like address some things are just baked in the cake.

You know, right?

anyway i see i've uh somehow now it's just you're just if you're just tuning in i didn't beat her up okay that's what

they'll just cut this and then and then ai will be like bill maher beat her up and she was crying

you have a box of tissues yeah i bet they're not for crying um

well sometimes i cry with laughter Sometimes I'm laughing so hard Snott blows out of my nose.

It's my favorite thing in the world.

I mean, I.

Sometimes that happens.

We have a whole reel of that happening.

Oh, fucking spit takes is the greatest thing in the world.

It's up there with orgasm.

It really is.

Well.

Cut print moving on.

Did you like that?

See, I love, you set me up for a great laugh.

I love doing that.

We're talking about giving and, you know, as opposed to like,

what?

I'm serious.

genuine but i'm serious like i love being the straight man martin short did his jiminy glick character on my show last year to look

and like all i did

was just you know play the exact straight man you need to be with jiminy but you don't want to compete i've seen people try to do that and it's like just let let the fucking let the plumber fix the sink here except for i don't know if i could fully be the straight man i think i i love it

But I love it too.

I don't know if I can do it all.

I don't know how to really do it, but I love it.

I love all the things I can't be or anybody can't be.

That's why I love comedians so much because they have the most bravery with.

actual medicine.

They are medicinal to me.

Well, yes.

Because the laughter, the state of the physical realm in laughter

to me is as good as the orgasm.

oh fits and they're the only two the the reason why orgasm and laughter are the best is because they're the most

they're the most honest they're

you can't love is tainted i'm sorry it's the greatest but it's also tainted with feelings and pragmatism love is is up there with people pleaser it's been it's been beaten down and fucked over and fucked up and so

turned inside out and pretzeled that we no longer know you could You can not know, am I in love?

Is it love?

You don't say that about an orgasm, right?

You don't say, was that anger?

I mean, if you do, you're doing it wrong.

So, and a laugh is totally involuntary.

Yeah.

That's why I love making the people who like don't agree with me from the get, if I make them laugh about something, I know they're like, oh, there must be some truth in that.

Because I wasn't, I didn't want to laugh.

And yet, there it is.

So, orgasm and laughter, I agree.

If you could just live on that, my next tattoo.

AI,

how can I make my life

artificial?

They can't.

I mean, well, I mean, they could be adjacent to orgasm and laughter.

They can aid in it, but they can't give it to you.

Right.

Can you have an orgasm if you're not in love?

I mean, can't everybody?

What are you doing Tuesday?

No, no, not everybody.

I was about to be like, it's Tuesday.

And then I was like, wait, what fucking day of the week is it?

What day is it?

But no, not everybody can.

Have you ever met a Christian?

They can't.

Or so they say.

Of course, they probably, the worst,

the most of those types, right?

I, yeah, I think everybody, when I say everybody, I love everybody and everyone is equally capable of crazy.

It's like, it isn't, I do have the very equal playing field, Gene.

But I don't know if they have equal capacity for an orgasm.

I think some people need.

You would have to individually go through each person and ask them how powerful there was.

I think there's a type of person.

Let's just call them

Christian conservatives,

you know,

people who voted for Trump and,

you know, which doesn't make you bad.

No.

And

who go to church and very often, you know, there's a big movement now of, you know, like, let's have more babies, you know, and also, but also like they, those types, they tend to like mate for life, or so they say.

But, you know, the Bible, they go by their, they're so like it's like

you have to be able to have an orgasm with this one person

who's you know that's got to get old you married at 18 right you know i wrote this um

thing and i gave it to someone right before they were got gonna get married and i got disinvited to the wedding

Seriously.

Seriously.

Oh my God.

And it was like this essay about,

you know, how marriage,

when people used to have a 30-year lifespan or their closest conversation was, you know, a very long horse ride away.

The institution of marriage was such a different thing.

Such a different thing.

Yes.

And so

I shared it with them and got disinvited to their wedding.

And I was like, you know, man,

you are too sensitive.

You took that that personally.

I just think we should be letting people off the hook.

But that shows how delicate it is, like getting married and how much people know

because that it could be bad.

Because just

what your thing suggested to her, why it freaked out

him, why it freaked him out, was this idea that, yes, marriage was easy, as you say.

What it was like.

I don't think it was easy, but it was like

it was all you had.

Exactly.

It was everything.

I met a girl in the next prayer.

Wait, can we go sit in the other chairs?

Yeah.

Or should we stay here?

If we're staying here.

If you're not comfortable, let's move.

Okay, here.

There we go.

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

No, I'm perfect.

All right.

You know, if it was like, well, I might meet somebody at the butter churning, you know.

pull up a barrel.

Yeah, exactly.

But now.

I didn't know where you were going and I'm just I love a butter church so my mind went way off into the butter church land and then you brought me back with

if all you have is the butter church, marriage looks great.

And now it's the opposite.

We're just bombarded with images and people, especially if you live in an urban area.

You know, you just, and people are all hoes now, you know what I mean?

No one is like holding out except those Christian ladies, and they're not around.

I have this thing that I really want to do.

And

the working title is Promise Ceremony.

But what I'd like to do is open up a cottage industry.

And people go and they have all the people, they have the weekend, you wear the dress, you do the rituals with all your friends.

And there's even a ring you get at that promise ceremony.

And you go up to that mountaintop and you have

that moment in front of everyone and you have this fantastic party and brunch the next day and you do it in a way that is so aspirational for you and your life and the people that you want to

show them your pride.

But there's nothing legally binding.

That's the good part.

So you're saying you want the emotional experience of all that bullshit.

Well, I want it to be really fucking funny.

I want it to be like, by the way, I know how to throw a great soi.

It'll be a fucking fantastic like time

because it's like, it's an excuse to be together.

And there are people out there in the world that you're like, somehow you had my back this whole time.

And I'd like you to see that I'm okay now.

And some people you're like, I love you so much.

I don't, I love sharing things with you.

I want you to be a part of this moment.

There are all the good intentions and all the, you know, pomp and circumstance, which also has gotten a bad rap.

What was your best marriage?

Like, you had three.

One was like very brief.

Well, one, I'm probably going to get arrested because it was, you know, we really just kind of, you know, were children, right?

Yeah.

You were just.

And it was just.

It was like a Britney Spears moment.

Oh, Brittany.

I don't say that about Brittany.

I'm like, oh, yeah, sure.

Sure, no, but she got married for like two seconds once.

Right in Vegas that one night.

Yeah, I mean,

I don't know what their agreement was.

I know what mine was.

And

Brittany is someone I could probably laugh with.

And I could be like, this was what was going on with me this night.

And she could tell me what was going on with her that night.

And I don't know if they line up, but they were both highly impulsive.

Do you know her?

Do you know her?

You would be a great mentor.

This much.

I'm watching Justin Bieber these days on TMZ go nuts.

And I'm like, you know, I bet you if I could sit with this kid for 25 minutes,

I could straighten up him up.

Not that, you know, you could.

He would have to be ready and it would be like...

Where would you go?

I think nobody tells people in that.

I mean, you know this as a child star.

I was speaking.

Nobody says no or tells you the truth because they just want to curry your favor.

They just just want to give you ice cream because you asking for ice cream again, metaphorically, or maybe really.

Here's the thing.

And I had this realization.

I'm going to cry again because, you know, fucking.

You got the box.

That's what's called being a gentleman.

You have the box of.

Thank you.

It matches my outfit.

No, I needed one too.

It's a three Hanky movie.

You've got to be able to like laugh and cry about it.

They're twins.

Absolutely.

Someone said laughter and crying are twins once.

They are.

And I was like, that's it.

Tears.

They're inextricably linked.

They're the same physical motion and they're totally on a seesaw together going up and down.

The thing about all the people we're referencing who I don't posture to know, I really don't know them.

I've had some interactions with them.

You're right.

You know, and somebody could be like, oh, you're at Britney Spears wedding.

What are you talking about?

You don't know her.

That's not the point.

You know what's exhausting?

Don't get me started.

Choices.

We used to have three channels.

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Well, I think we can all agree that therapy has helped many people.

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I think you were.

Yeah, actually,

it's that I don't fucking want to sit here and talk like I understand them, know them, or have privy information about them.

I hate that.

That's not what I'm going to do.

Okay, but you do share something with them that so few of us share.

And that's what I'm going to share with you now.

That's what I'm going to share with you right now.

They're

in.

It's small.

It's a lifetime of your most tender ages

going through the toughest stuff.

What do people expect?

Are you kidding me?

I think it depends.

Let them be like, it's hard.

It is hard to go through that stuff.

And it lives with you for a very long time until maybe you work so hard on yourself and you hit 50 and you say, I'm done.

I'm ready to move on to another era that doesn't include all of that heaviness.

But until that point, it's a miracle I got here.

Most people don't because it's too much for people at those ages.

I hope you give yourself a little credit for the triumph of being so sane.

And trust me, I'm the one guy who doesn't like

who pretend people are sane when they're.

So when I say you're sane, you're sane.

I know your litmus test.

Oh, absolutely.

I appreciate it.

And I'm telling you,

I have talked to so many people.

I love your humor and your intellect.

Thank you.

So many people who are have much less fucked up things in their past than you who are so much more distracted not on point or say you know this happens all the time on this this show whatever it is podcast where like somebody will be like oh they're great I know I get along with everybody I just love talking to people when I'm high I can do it with anybody yeah that's called club random that's what it's you know I can do the hawk to a girl and David Mammoth the next day and I love that yes but very often someone's on and they're nuts, a dumb person, and we're agreeing on a lot of things.

And then they just say one thing that's like,

oh,

they didn't land on the moon.

You know what I mean?

And you're like, and I see none of that with you.

Like, there's nothing that's like, oh, well, sure, she was, you know, drunk at seven.

Of course, she's going to, you know,

think the chemtrails.

But no, you're all good.

Maybe that made you saner in a way.

You know?

I did the work.

Yeah.

I do the work.

What is the work?

A lot of work.

But

put some meat on that bone.

I don't know.

Because I know.

That bone is going to snap in half.

Because I don't know if I've ever done the work or wanted to.

Here's the question.

I just want to do the work.

I just want to.

I don't want to be cricket on your shoulder that sits there and goes, that fucking thing you do that you won't stop doing is the fucking worst thing and it makes you hate yourself yeah but again because I know I

haven't done the New Year's resolutions from 1975 I write myself a postcard every year I'm just not gonna like kill myself about the things I didn't get right you know it's not the things you didn't get right it's the thing you're still doing that you refuse to let go of you will not break that habit

you give yourself permission to hate yourself and beat up on yourself okay this is a good example This is the work to me.

Like, this is a great example of that.

Like, 1975 resolution.

Smoke less pot.

Well, I was just beginning to smoke pot, but yeah, like, like, the things you think you need to be high on pot to do, you can do sober.

That was a resolution.

But are they as fun?

No, exactly.

So after 50 years.

It's just like, yes.

And also

maybe this is how I like being in the world.

Exactly.

I mean, they've been, people have been doing stuff to alter themselves since they found the first leaf in the caves.

Man has always needed a little something, something.

Wine, women, and song became sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

Yep.

But it's the same.

And Taco Tuesday.

Right.

And now we have even.

They literally,

they have been wanting to get off and get loose since the dawn of human beings.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

I mean, my life would be so diminished without marijuana.

Yeah.

I think.

I feel like we would not even be sitting here.

I wouldn't own your own house.

I'd be in a two-bedroom apartment in Van Nuys.

Seriously.

We all have our demons.

And

I want...

I want to live in a world, and I'm pretty not naive at this point to believe it's not possible, possible, but I ideally still keep wishing that we could live in a world where we would just allow each other to

be who.

I mean, we have to, of course, encourage and figure out how to be our best selves.

That's the work.

Yeah.

But

I don't remember the last time I thrived under abusive scrutiny.

And I wish that for everybody to have more encouragement to be their best selves.

You mean like social media abusive scrutiny?

That kind of stuff?

I mean, I had a version of that when I was 13 years old.

So like.

Even before we had phones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I know what 13-year-olds feel like when they're feeling that.

And I feel like that's...

And they kill themselves sometimes.

It's the scariest thing.

That's why we should not behave this way.

I contemplated suicide when I was like 19.

I don't think I was.

you remember why?

Yeah, because I couldn't get laid because I went to court because I went to Cornell.

Causes you to want to kill yourself.

There's that thank you alma mater.

Yeah, that was it, really.

But I, you know, put an intellectual sheen on the whole thing and made it up because I was I was doing great intellectually.

Like I loved the courses.

And so I mean, it was, that kept me going.

Right.

But yeah, but that's really what it was.

If one girl had shown any interest or I knew how to get one, trust me, my depression would have lifted immediately

that was like that was the endorphins that would have done it for you right well you know and now

now what now if somebody says they don't want to sleep with you do you want to commit suicide

no no

no I wouldn't even ask and

do you think that you ever really did have a time where you like in in all seriousness, were like, I don't want to be here on this earth?

I thought so at that period.

And I've had many times when I was depressed.

I mean, getting dumped in high school.

I mean, you know, there was a year of waking up every day with a knot in my stomach from the moment I woke up to the, there's nothing worse in life, except maybe physical pain, which I luckily haven't had to that degree, than like wanting the thing you want more than anything that you think is the only key to your happiness is another person who does not want you probably because you fucked it up

and that's you know that's worse than someone who you never had a thing with maybe you could convince them and tell but once you like turn the key and the I would say women have a pilot light in the back like you can let it go down but once you turn the pilot light off oh my god that's my theory cannot be relit oh my god I talk about that with my girlfriends all the time the ick you know yeah the ick you give the ick

to that degree.

I visualize it as you go to like the pool and you like put bricks on your feet and you go in and you sit there and under the water, like looking up at the surface.

And at that very last gasp, when it's like if you stand there one more second, you're gonna die.

You release yourself, you come up to the surface, you get out of the pool, and you are so done, you'll never look back.

And anything having to do with that person

is the icks.

It's all a metaphor.

Oh,

But some people do things like this.

Oh, oh, God.

I was speaking metaphorically.

Like we, we, we go, we, we almost go to the last ends of our own personal depths for someone.

And it's like, once you turn that pilot light, once you decide to get out of that pole, once you decide for your own salvation, it's like the iron door, it's closed forever.

I think that about women.

And it happens a lot to women because guys,

they do hide in the weeds and then become something different.

I've just heard the story too many times from women.

Like very often it happens after the marriage.

You hide in the weeds.

Oh God, that's so terrifying and so apt and such a great vision.

I got to say, you know, a lot of things you criticize me, like commitment phobe, they call them lots of, sure, I never got married.

Call me whatever name you want.

One good thing about me, well, they would also say it's a bad thing, is I don't change.

I never was that guy who hide in the weeds.

I'm not going to turn into a monster.

I never did.

I'm not going to be fundamentally different.

I'm also not ever going to become a boyfriend, husband, or father.

So that's me.

Always the same.

But that's better than the hide in the weeds.

I've heard this story so many times.

Yeah, I agree.

He became

this guy I didn't know.

Where was this guy?

He was hiding in the weeds the whole time.

It's got to feel so awful that he, oh, he never really, he just wanted to get me into this power position where he could like dominate me like this

right that's sad that that's a universal experience i don't want that to be people's reality

no i mean which is why i've been single for nine years like i just i can't even i can't bother with it i i can't it it's i can't spend my time anymore ever again

with oh weed walker what happened

what happened what happened to the last one?

I thought that was, you married a civilian, which is very brave.

Hollywood, very, very brave.

But like, you're such a big star, you know, that I think that makes sense.

Because

two stars is just too much starring, you know?

I imagine you either want, you're okay with that, or there are people who like do struggle with it because it is like a lot, you know, whether it's two

on two on two or one-on-one.

but that's my kid's dad he will always

um i will only

like just speak the best and i love his wife and i'm always remarried yep and i it's like my kids i'll talk about all day i don't want to put them out there i want to be very protective of them very sacred and i think you are i don't know anything about them thank you i never

seen any of them

thank you I have been so purposeful with that and yet not tried to be a freak about it to anyone or them.

It's like, this is who I am and what I do.

And we all accept that as a family.

My kids know that they are first

in every single way.

And this is like a temple,

my

beautiful family that I never knew I would get to have this experience.

It's so triggering and so healing and so incredible.

And what I'm trying

having kids,

being a part of these two girls' lives,

I got to carry them.

I love them more than I've ever known what love could be.

It's a different kind of love than anything I've ever experienced.

Of course.

There is no comparison.

There's no math.

Right.

From my experience, I know people who are like, I love my partner equal to my children.

And I'm like, I,

you know, unfortunately we split up.

I didn't have that experience.

So, like,

I just know my experience with these two girls.

And it is a love that is the coolest thing I've ever experienced in my human existence.

I don't, as we know, have kids, but even I get that.

Even I get that.

It's because I just,

because first of all, it's obvious.

It's just different than it came out of you.

It's just so wild.

It's not like meeting someone.

It's fucking umbilical.

It's not like meeting someone.

No, you are tethered to that human being.

Yes.

When I'm holding them, I'm like,

they're inside my body.

And they're kind of U point 2.0.

They're mini me.

I mean, there's this like, there's a love.

You could, if you were a cynic, could say this semi-selfish because it's kind of like you're loving you.

No one understands codependency better than I in the sense of like I started working on that when I was 13 years old and institutionalized.

My love for them is not codependent.

It is inspired.

They make me my best self.

And right now, even at 11 and 13, I'm really dialed into a lot of things from my own experience.

And that's where my fear is coming from, that I am not my mom.

They are not me.

And that I have to be in a constant practice of being age appropriate, but being really fucking real with them about the world and life

and

whether it has anything to do with my experience, but just all of it.

Like I'm so candid with them and I'm so affectionate and so loving and it's it's the best.

What about the discipline side of it?

I have found my voice, which was amazing.

The other side of it is easy.

It's easy to be loving and your friend.

It's hard to be the bad guy, but that's what's what kids need and who would.

And when they're babies and toddlers, everyone's like, well, you know, boundaries and discipline.

And I'm like.

I don't know what you're talking about because I didn't have those things.

And I feel like I'm dealing with very irrational people.

So you're saying there shouldn't be boundaries and discipline?

No, yes.

Now they're the best, it turns out.

I fuck talk about fucking Technicolor and Wizard of Oz.

Boundaries and discipline are awesome.

Oh, okay, good.

Love them.

No, no, I good.

But even when my kids were born, I didn't have that accessible.

I really had to do the work to like learn it and figure it out.

And when you have babies and toddlers, they're so wild.

What are they like?

I mean, seriously?

Yeah, seriously.

How would I know?

I've never even touched a baby.

I hate babies.

Kids I can like talk to for a little bit.

They can be amusing if they're not like disgusting or

too young.

But babies I just, you know,

it's like some people don't like fur.

They don't like dogs.

You know, I don't like babies.

And also they're just really

a mess of, I mean, for an anal retentive like me, the snot and the puke shit is

like that's and that's just something that was born.

I was born that way.

I think a lot of males were.

No, I think a lot of them are just lazy.

And they can make the woman do it because they were hiding in the weeds.

Okay.

But really, with me, it's really about the shit and the snot and the like.

I mean, I carry a box of Kleenex.

Come on.

You can't even.

By the way, guess what?

You could totally have children.

This is, if you have children,

you're so good.

I know, but I don't want to.

This is what would be in your baby bag, just that you could bring the tissues.

The tissues don't have to go, which is so nice.

Can I share something with you?

Yes.

Okay.

No, I'm kidding.

And this is why I love you, though, because you talk about like your sphincter fucking puckers before you say it because you're like, oh, God, what the fuck is going to come at me for making this joke?

And you're one of my favorite people.

And why I need to like watch you on the reg is because I need someone who says that because it is insane that we just take each other down and we're looking for it and we're waiting for it.

And it's like a dog at a table waiting for that piece of food to fall.

And then it's like

all over the fucking linoleum floor because you said something.

Go back to my sphincter.

No, I like to

go on.

I'm going to say something.

No, I can't take it.

This little rage that you're vomiting.

I swear to God, I must have done it like 10 times what we usually shoot over there.

But

the same thing happened to me on that exact subject of the judgy people.

The snitches and bitches.

Snitches and bitches who rule society.

Snitches and bitches, people with nothing better to do than hit send, and then they think they're some kind of of warriors social justice warriors and you're just a bunch of fucking gossips you don't give a shit about anything and getting a scalp on the wall

and right

and i i share your your disdain

you have no i don't have

i i everybody

If you're, if you're a part of that, I just feel like it's just robbing of yours and that other person's time.

We don't like you.

It's just too hard to live that way.

Isn't that enough for you?

We don't like you.

And we're cooler than you.

And we don't like you.

Shape up.

Oh, God.

Snitches, snitches.

Snitches and bitches.

Yeah, it does.

It did.

No, no.

But you know what?

But when I'm saying that, I'm also talking for every human being on the planet.

I never think I'm, you know, anything about myself when I say that.

It's like the human experience.

Why are we doing that to each other?

That's what fucking just destroys me.

But I want to come out of the ashes of that and just keep carrying on and trying to be nicer and happier and like

trying to not allow that poison in.

I think I can answer the question of why are we doing it.

Part of it is because the technology changes,

changed, and usually society follows technology.

I know people like to give themselves a lot of credit for

ruling the world.

They really don't.

And technology changes and then they adapt.

And once the smartphone came in and social media, people were able to indulge their worst qualities,

being sneaky.

being fake,

being bullies, being bitches, all the shit that we're talking about.

They were able to indulge that in a way where they didn't face any repercussions for it.

It was different if you had to

say it to somebody's face.

But now it can all be kind of done behind this.

And so it brings out the worst in human nature: that you can just anonymously put something on the internet or just what I fucking hate that they do is like they know better

about what I was saying,

but they know that if they just put it in a click,

in a bit that people click for 20 seconds.

I was just talking about that this morning.

Yeah, they can just, they can present, and it's like you saw the whole thing.

You knew that, you know, this doesn't represent it, but you know this will get your click.

But you're just a fucking.

It's just a dog waiting at the table for the food to fall.

I've never pictured it that way in my life until this moment.

But

people are waiting for that that fuel, that sustenance, that treat in their mouth to just go hog wild on people.

And it's an unfortunate way to live.

Who wants to fucking live in the I'm waiting to get the gotcha state?

Like that is so such a bummer.

People really

terrible waste of time.

Yeah, they They want to look, especially with people who are prominent, they perceive them and they're right.

But everyone, it's like that's the thing.

Technology, I agree, it changes and dictates.

However,

it became also every single person's problem.

Yeah.

You know?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, the kid who is.

It's not reserved for anyone.

This almost isn't super

elitist to me in the sense that I'm not.

I don't know.

The kid, the height.

Everyone now has

this burden on their shoulder of being available for rudeness and a punishing abusive behavior.

And I just think the only defense we have is to like turn away from that and not indulge.

Yeah, that's not going to happen.

Yeah.

Well, it could in your own personal journey.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to try for that.

Oh, we're not doing it.

Are you kidding?

We're good.

We're the targets of it.

Yes, that's it.

We are the targets.

And we're just calling them out and saying, you know what?

Why don't you do something more productive in your life like maybe play piano in a whorehouse something like that but back to your earlier point i'm more worried about the way it really does hurt people like that's where i'm working from

and it's not just celebrities do you think about the i've been dealing with this my whole life i'm i'm like so far past it that i'm not even angry at anyone who does it I've I've tried to ration with it and reason with it.

I've learned that's probably not good anymore in this day and age.

But

I worry about it for every human.

I beg and hope that people can learn to

protect themselves from anything that any...

Did you see adolescents?

Of course I did.

Okay.

I mean, big hit on Netflix.

Yeah, I thought it would be a bigger tipping point, and it should be.

Well, if people don't know what it is about, I'll give you the just bottom line, why I thought it it was great.

Stephen Graham, who

stars in it and co-produced it.

British, right?

It's a brilliant.

It is.

But the takeaway I had, which was I knew, but not to this visceral level, which is why art is so great.

It puts it on a different level.

Yeah, it continues.

Was that, okay, it's about a guy, yes, a guy, a kid.

you know, 13 or something, and he kills this girl.

Spoiler alert, but who gives a shit?

And what we really find out is that the reason why he had this animosity toward this girl was it was all happening on the phone.

And the adults who start to investigate don't even get it until it's explained to them by other kids why

this incited this boy to this violence.

It's like, you know, the adults had to be shown, you see this emoji, this is what this, this is kind of shaming him that they put this, and all the kids did it.

And of course, they're all on this network that they talk on.

There's a language in

letters and emojis and words.

That the adults don't know.

Right.

And

when it shamed this boy, that's, no, we're not justifying what he did, but that's the motivation.

And that is something people really need to pay attention to, that idea that your kids are talking and hurting each other on this.

thing and with this language you don't know.

It's like they're doing it in Chinese and you don't speak Chinese.

Exactly.

Now, your kids are 11 and 13.

This has to be on your mind.

It's everything I think about all the time.

I've written pieces about it, and I don't really,

even though weirdly, I guess someone could say you're out there every day, I do not share a lot of my opinions because

I grew up also in a time where I think people were

came off so soapboxy for being behind causes or speaking out.

And I definitely was like, I'm just never going to do that.

And I was like, It usually has the negative effect.

I just was like, that's not my lane.

I'm not going to succeed there.

I can't.

Can I be nice?

Yeah, all the celebs came out for Kamala Harris, and it just made Americans go, oh, shut the fuck up.

You know what?

It's not changing how my life is because Beyonce or whoever it is wants me to vote for Kamala Harris.

I do not feel safe putting

myself out there in the sense of I just don't think that it will do anybody any good and it won't be good for me and it's just not good all around.

So I'm just going to stay in the sidelines over there about a lot of the things I can do.

As usual, Grasshopper,

you are exactly right.

Yeah, you're so sane.

You know, you're so like right.

That's exactly right.

It won't help.

It might even hurt.

Yeah.

And you don't need it.

Yeah.

You know, you don't owe the world your...

There are people who get shamed, you know, for not being out there enough with your...

They used to do it with the Michael Jordan.

Why don't you speak out?

It's like, I'm a basketball player.

I don't have to speak.

It's just not my thing.

I wouldn't be good at it.

I don't, I just want to just live my life.

Isn't that enough?

Sometimes.

And it is.

My therapist said this one thing one time.

It was about a certain circumstance, and I'm going to apply it here.

No good will come of this.

You need a therapist to tell you that?

Jesus Christ.

Apparently I fucking do.

But with that part of the work, a therapist?

Well, I mean, I don't even like to call the man I work with a therapist because I think it's belittling because it's not a good enough word.

He's so fucking smart and interesting and profound and dynamic and

just incredible.

He's changed my life so much.

Really?

Is that one of the safe people?

So like you hired a great friend.

I hired a great friend and my friends

don't allow me to get away with shit.

Oh, I'll do it for free.

Cheers to that.

But that's great that you have this.

How long have you been with this strength?

13,

14, oh God, 14 years?

And you're not cured.

Almost 15.

And you're not cured yet.

See, this is my thing with psychiatry.

Maybe I'm wrong.

No one's ever fucking cured.

I don't know.

But

you get better and you need things less, or you might have times where you need things more.

There's so much therapy.

By the way, this is like people pleasing.

That's why I don't like calling him a therapist.

It's become a word that has so many connotations.

There's so much baggage to it.

It's not crisp anymore.

It's like you hear yes, man, and indulgence and all this shit.

It's like going.

Okay, but would you...

I'm just telling you, as someone who like knows you now really well well for an hour, and like before that, a little bit.

I mean, look, I helped you burn your house down.

All that, you know, we have

a history.

But I totally feel you, and I feel like you trust my opinion.

And I'm telling you, you don't need a shrink.

Now, maybe you just like it, but I'm telling you, like, you know, there's a certain person who's like, oh, yes, you do need to talk to somebody.

But what if you got ideas from someone that were so smart?

Oh, ideas are just like, that's what he is.

He's an ideas person on how to live a better life.

That's why I hang out with Andy Dick.

Now that is a way to a better life.

Oh, my God.

Andy Dick.

That's not just a good reference since the 90s, but I bet it's true.

You were probably with him last night.

I wasn't.

Oh, I'm not going to even tell this story.

It wasn't even this house.

That's so long ago, but he was at a party of mine.

Did you?

I mean,

I feel like I wouldn't get in the time machine no matter what.

Like, I just wouldn't.

I wouldn't either.

I do miss a lot of how I grew up, though.

I do miss

our stuff, and

I wonder if it will come back around typewriters, globes, pens, paper, snail mail, stamps, you know, not having cameras in our televisions.

I don't want a fucking camera in my TV staring back at me.

That is terrifying to me.

Like,

I want a movement where people demand less invasiveness in their life and turn to a more soulful approach

than it just being all tech.

I really, really want that for myself.

And I'm glad I was brought up in a time that valued that.

And maybe just because, as you said, if technology dictates society, that's just where we were but that was such a sweet spot for me like calling should be like the max

i mean i'm jealous of you because i feel the exact same way but i feel like you being like an icon and a woman to like even young women are like come on that's the chick from charlie's angels or whatever they know you from you can get away with that more like putting that idea out there i feel like i'm just the curmudgeonly asshole asshole who, like, I'm off this month, for example, from real time.

Yeah.

And big things happen.

We bombed Iran and like the people.

How bad do you want to go back into the studio and talk about it?

Or are you able to go, okay,

I'm on vacation.

And while I'm on vacation, I'm not tweeting about it.

I'm like, and I'm sure there are lots of big

will come of it.

This is ridiculous that Bill Maher, who, you know, purports to be this voice of reason in America and tells so many people, you know, and he's influential this,

but he's he's going to be mute for a month.

Yes, I am.

You'll be fine.

Well, actually, that's

people, it should,

there should be a better balance of how this is all working.

And

there are people and companies that are really, right now, it's so clear that it's AI

that's the brass ring.

And so, as everybody goes to the mountaintop for that,

I as a human being would like to take a step back and figure out what of this is making me happier and what of this is really giving me a level of anxiety that is reducing my, not quality of life, my time here on this earth because it's stress kills.

Like stress is so bad for you.

It's a physical.

like stress is not just an unpleasant state.

It's detrimental.

Oh, it's scientifically proven.

100%.

Yes.

You can die of it, basically.

I mean, it will give you cancer or something.

It is, if it's bad enough.

And of course, it's like anybody.

There are people who smoked into their 90s and it didn't kill them.

You have no idea how much I romanticized Keith Richards my entire life.

I'm looking, he's fine.

He's great.

And he did everything he wanted to exactly the way he wanted to.

Because

genetics has a lot to do with it.

I don't know what it is.

And also,

you know what it is also?

I've never once seen him talk

when he wasn't saying something that made him laugh.

His own words.

He's just, he laughs like after every sentence.

I remember once seeing the.

Is that a liability or an asset?

I remember once seeing the Rolling Stones do a benefit concert for the environment.

And

he has like one number in the show where he comes forward and he's going to sing it.

And he's smoking.

And it's just so sexy.

And he's talking about like, oh, the environment, you know, he wasn't, he was high and

of course.

I got to hope so.

We're here for the environment and we better do something because, you know, even the Eskimos are feeling the pinch.

That's what he said.

That's what he said.

And then he laughed.

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And I was like, oh, this guy just laughs a lot, and that's why he's living to a million without, you know, he doesn't even smoke anymore, I don't think.

Oh, no, no.

I mean, good for him, of course.

That's right.

Oh, and he's just maybe not wrapped up in some of the bullshit.

Yeah, I just think he knows he's playing with the house money.

Yeah.

I mean,

that's why he's sort of

one of my heroes.

He's kind of thought of as like a long-time heroin addict.

He wasn't a long-time heroin addict he was a heroin addict at a certain period but and it's not the drugs i romanticize it's just that he seems to literally have gotten away with more than most human beings oh yes and so

i marvel at his constitution completely charmed life yeah and he'd be the first to admit it yeah um and when he got when he he was in a coconut tree yes a coconut fell on his hair

i heard he was up in the tree i don't know but i i just he that's

nice to know that's how he spends his time.

And I didn't want to.

I'm not going to say I 100% believe the coconut story.

It may have been a coconut or given his history, maybe he, you know.

Right, right.

You know, I never thought of that.

I never questioned the coconut.

Yeah.

I mean, he was, I mean, he and Ron Wood would like force themselves to sort of like stay up sometimes for three or four days because

lack of sleep is also a kind of drug at a certain point, which is a crazy thing to do.

No.

That's, you know, just no.

And yet I'm sure that was exactly what I wanted to do at a certain point in my life, but now no.

Again, I want to have a good time when the sun comes up and I want to get in bed when it goes down and turn it off.

But I mean, you lived a life before I, I mean, the first time I ever did any drug was 19.

I was in college.

I didn't do any drugs in high school.

We didn't drink.

I was loser, fucking 60s kids.

You, by 19, were like, you had done every drug.

I had also like...

That's incredible to me because when I think about where my mind was at 12,

I mean, my...

My issues, my concerns, you know, were so basic.

Like, to like

add

a fog of drug-addledness to that,

which I was barely coping with.

Right.

You know, I remember the transition from we hate girls, because that's how you are when you're being rejected.

No, no, when you're just like

literally the cooties phase.

Well, the cooties phase, but then you're latent until puberty.

No, when I was a kid, and maybe it happened, I think it happens earlier now, like we were, when we were 10-year-old, 11-year-old boys, we again, cooties, girls have cooties.

And then some kids would be starting to break off.

And you're, oh, you traitor, you like girls now.

Yeah, like, so when do I, and then I start having these feelings.

I'm like, this is a, it sounds crazy and petty, but at that age,

that's a huge decision and a huge moment.

The idea that I would then have to deal with that

high

is ridiculous ridiculous yeah I was out in clubs so partying and dancing really go well together you know like that I was really I I

I loved

going out to clubs that was like my thing and adults didn't stop this no crazy it doesn't make any sense to me now

I understand it I mean you were as far as like now I'm an adult I'm a parent now it's like like, it's all unfathomable, but that that's how adults allowed a kid to live their life.

But you'd think it would have,

because it became public, you'd think it would have inspired some sort of law enforcement reaction to the people who were enabling a, not just one year below the age of 18, but like

middle school, middle schoolers

at Studio 54.

It's amazing how different the errors are.

Like, today that would not, I mean, I don't think you can get away with that today.

No, everybody saw it as like novel and cute back then.

But now we live in this world that knows so much better that it's so perfect, you can't fucking live up to it.

Yeah.

That's the problem I have.

I don't want that for people.

It's impossible.

There is no such thing as knowing what to do every second of your life.

Like, no, mine was an extreme case, of course.

Very extreme.

So extreme, so wild.

Well, I feel like your wild phase, there was, I mean, again, eras.

When I do my eras tour.

Yeah.

You know, like you had the era of like, I mean, even before you were born, because your family is famous as great actors.

Yeah.

And then Child Star.

And then Wild Star.

I don't know who they are as much now, but back when in the 70s as a kid, it was a big deal with Barry The Barry Moore name is legendary.

And then like Wild Child fans.

Yeah.

Who are your celebrity friends?

Like,

who's your squad?

You got a squad?

You must have a squad.

I mean, not really.

No.

The Charlie's Angels girls, you know.

That's my squad.

Really?

Oh, for real, real.

Oh, see, the fans love that.

I love that.

I love thinking that, like, our celebrity idols, they really like each other.

And, you know, it wasn't all just fake.

We've seen each other through everything, birth, life, death, marriage, divorce.

I mean, everything.

No, those girls.

In fact,

when

they asked me, like, about the first guest on a talk show, you know, which is like ritualistically like a marcation of like

who you are, what you can do, what the thing is.

So much pressure on that person.

I'm like, and usually it's a stranger.

It's just a status thing.

It's so weird.

And I was so tripped out by it.

And I'm so not a star fucker that I was like, you guys, I don't, I know this is a thing.

Obviously, I'm intelligent in that sense of like, I know how this game is played.

I was on Carson at seven.

Of course, I fucking get it.

But I would not capitulate.

And I was like, you guys, we're in a pandemic.

Let that be the benefit of buying me a little time.

We're in unorthodox times.

So in a weird way, let me be true to myself and let me figure this out without bullshit pressure of, as they say in Pretty Woman, the pressure of a name, you know?

And so.

Why don't you ever have me on?

Would you come on?

You never asked me.

I would love it.

I mean, of course you're saying that now you're on the spot.

You have to say it.

Fuck that.

The second, the first conversation I could have with you, I showed up for.

This one.

I know.

And we should have, shame on both of us.

Actually, fuck that.

Well, when am I going to invite myself?

Yeah, by the way.

Who does that?

That's ghosts.

I don't know how to network.

I'm not good at it.

I'm not a, like a.

Oh, like, we don't have publicists.

Am I mad at you?

Come on.

If you wanted me on your show, you could have just reached out.

I would have done it.

Okay.

I would love nothing more.

I'm not great at playing the, like, I

try to, and it feels so uncomfortable to me to, like, ask people.

I don't ever want to bring it.

Well, I'm never in New York, so don't worry about it.

Well, you should come to New York.

But next time I'm in New York.

I'll show you New York.

It's really fun.

Oh, I'd be, I look, it's great.

I am friendly with some of the ladies on the view, and I love them.

But like, I would do, like, that shows a lot.

And I would, I think.

Joy came on our show, and

she literally had the best time.

She's like, what the fuck is going on here no one comes to stop us like no no I'm like yeah it's a playground like it's so chill and fun it's I didn't want to do anything tropey or overtimed I wanted to find something

different there.

I mean, I know, I love Whoopi and Joe.

They're the two I really know.

And I did it like a year ago and I liked everybody, but like, I don't know if they're really

at this moment the best advertisement for women.

I just, they just

say some things that are just like not helpful, like say to elections.

I mean, it's just, you know.

What is it like being, because I

know so much about the news, politics, and I'm very obsessed with it.

You have a new mayor.

That's very exciting in New York.

Well, he's not,

he's going to be able to be on the ballot it's not done it's not done

and it's really caused quite a stir well sure he's a communist um i mean that's what it is it's okay but like i don't dare talk about politics and it's the thing i'm probably up on one of the most subjects in my life

what is it like

and

Thank God you do it and you need to do it because you found a way of avoiding the no-good can come of it, which a lot of people are stuck in that box, unfortunately, when they try

to talk about

yes,

because

you see all angles.

You are true.

This is the thing I wrote to you that I love.

You and I can't help but be ourselves.

Right.

For better or worse.

There is some fucked up thing that you and I have where we cannot not be ourselves.

Bill.

I think it's an awesome thing.

I see the cake is half full.

IMs what I am's.

I will never forget, Bill, I got this focus group for the talk show that was one of the most demoralizing things I've ever read about all the things these people hated about me.

And I literally just sat there and I was like, well, you know, shit.

I don't know what to say other than I don't know how to not be myself.

I can make a better show because I'm a producer, but I can't,

one should not get themselves in an identity crisis for others.

Those others may never appear and they may disappear.

I don't know what this focus thing is, but you're, I mean, it's universally acknowledged.

You're a beloved person.

Like, I'm beloved by my fans for a good reason.

I'm awesome at what I do, and they love it.

But, like, I'm not beloved by the country as a whole.

If I threw out the first pitch at a game, there'll be a lot of booze in the stadium.

But do you think...

But you are universally beloved.

So I don't know why you're obsessing about this.

Like they don't.

Oh, okay.

Do you think that maybe

nobody, I can't think of anybody like more popular than you?

Everybody.

Really?

Yes, you have that because I think people...

You knew nothing about me.

Yes, like, I mean, I feel like you have a, your image, and I must say I share in it to a degree.

It's sort of like a

candle in the wind, you know?

Remember the song?

Yeah, I still don't really understand what it means.

The candle's so bright the wind can't blow it out.

So vulnerable the wind can.

Oh.

That's what his song, the Marilyn Monroe song.

That's what it meant this whole time.

Of course.

Oh, I never thought that.

The Elton John song.

Yes, that was then attributed to Princess Diana.

Yes,

he rewrote it for me.

Yes, and it was a fancy.

And then Keith Richards, Keith Richards, our hero, back to Keith, made fun of Elton John, and he said he only writes songs about dead blondes.

That's what he said?

Yes.

Well, he clearly has no

funny thing I said.

And then went, ah,

and that's why he's alive because he's funny.

Because he's gone so far past voice caring.

He's the epitome of no fucks given.

He only writes songs about dead blondes.

I don't know why he was getting into a feud with Elton, although Elton does get into a lot of feuds, it seems.

There's nothing more

lose-lose than a public feud.

But what we were just talking about was so much important.

We were saying about how that I'm vulnerable.

Oh, yes, you're a candle in the wind.

Which I now understand what that is.

And that's how I feel like, and now I talk to you, I see you're much stronger than that.

Like, I don't think about you that way at all anymore.

I was focused on the candle that won't be.

Yeah, I feel like, oh, poor Drew, you know, she always gets, you know, she's like the

right.

Like, you know, like the marriage marriage didn't work, and like, you know, they screwed her up as a child.

But shit happens.

I know, but this is like a, you know, like your childhood is not just shit happening.

No, I know.

That's true.

It's traumatizing.

And believe me, raising two young girls, if you don't think that this gets brought up all the time now, I do not marry whatsoever.

I do not see you anymore as a candle in the wind.

No, I feel like you're a flashlight that won't go out.

You know,

you're not.

I guess I couldn't even fathom.

But I feel like America sees you that way.

Like they, like, oh, you know, they just, they want you to be happy.

You're a child star we grew up with.

And, you know, they want you to be happy.

And they, you know, they're rooting for.

You know what?

I really want.

I want their happiness too.

I'm not kidding.

Yeah, they get that about you.

They do.

One reason they like you.

I want people to be happy.

They deserve it.

People really deserve.

Well, some don't.

You're right.

There are a few I don't understand why they could ever be so mean and cruel.

I'll never understand it.

Some bad people in the world.

That's where I'm vulnerable is the awe and shock.

But no, I'm so glad that you know this about me.

And I have to admit, things have really also

crystallized for me in different ways in the last

year, especially.

Really?

Last year?

Yeah, yeah.

I made a lot of big leaps in the last year.

49.

Now, I don't believe in numerology, but I did when I was younger, but I was all very into sevens.

So, like, I was very aware of everything when I was 49.

Maybe there's something to it.

What is the sevens theory?

I don't know, but it's just a sacred number throughout every culture.

So seven times seven, 49 is like a super.

Like, I remember I had a big dinner that year, not at 50, but at 49.

I was like, that was the year.

I think that might have been my year, too.

I don't think I would have, I didn't just hit 49.

these big things got better.

But what are these big changes?

What are these big epiphanies from this year that you just said you had?

Thank you for asking.

But you just said it.

Oh, yeah.

But you're,

thank you for the

pontification clarification.

I

feel like

I feel very

devoid of a fear that I've carried so closely with me my whole life.

What?

I mean, it bled into everything.

What fear?

Hard to

hard to give it a name, but I guess the

feeling is maybe even harder to describe.

It's

the fear of getting in trouble.

With who?

For what?

Like social media trouble?

Is that what we were talking about?

It's much like

if I was to go in micro,

I don't know if I can even name a person, place, or thing that holds that power anymore.

Throughout my life, I could have identified who I was or who or what I was afraid of getting in trouble, but it is a feeling that I've had in me most of my life, probably as long as I can remember being on this planet.

But don't you have to like

yourself, what kind of trouble?

You know, like, what am I really afraid of?

What is this trouble?

Because I don't know what you're talking about.

Like, what trouble and what would be the repercussions from getting into this type of trouble?

Well,

you know, know, in some ways I could think, okay, when you get institutionalized when you're 13 years old, that's a big form of being in trouble.

That is taking detention to another level.

And I would ask in a nice place.

I was in a really rough place for almost two years and then got emancipated when I was 14.

So you were in the nut house.

Yes, very much so.

And

who were the nuts around you?

Were they truly nuts?

The adults were because because there was an adult ward.

So you can picture them.

Were you with them?

We were integrated with them.

Yeah, absolutely.

There were other people your age?

And then there was a youth program also.

And we all were living amongst

the youth with the adults?

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, it was a small place, so you're in the hallway with everybody and in the great room.

Did you have your like great room?

Did you have your own

room?

Nope.

I had three beds to a room with adjoining bathroom.

So really six girls.

Were they all your age or were they adults too?

All my age.

In the sleeping quarters, all my age.

Six girls.

Yeah.

Six prepubescent girls.

Yeah.

Who all had the same shit I did, which is just, you know.

Really?

Just, yeah, I felt like everything was relative in there.

People.

But they weren't really had the same thing.

There weren't five other stars.

That's where I learned they did.

We were all in the same boat.

We were all young.

We had trauma and torture in our families.

We were already like using to avoid the feelings of life.

And we had all questioned whether we wanted to be on the earth.

Those are the things we had in common.

And somehow we fucked up so bad we ended up in here.

And all of that other shit didn't play into it.

But the other five.

that those feelings didn't come from something in show business right or did they no no they weren't so you were the only show business one yeah but okay but it's kind of the same And around those parts, it was cool.

It was like everybody's got fucking problems.

And it wasn't like rude or angry.

It was just a fact.

So it was very...

But you didn't feel like you really needed to be in the nuthouse, right?

I mean, they put you there.

Yeah.

You would rather have dealt with it on the outside.

No,

I was so grateful.

Like

in a weird way.

Like I said, you like being there.

You were glad they put you there.

No, for the first six months, I threw riots every day.

I was like a Wendy O.

Williams movie, because of course that's who I'm picturing, you know, fucking reformed school girls.

She's not nuts at all.

That was a that's a scam.

My boy Harvey Levin proved that.

Oh, really?

Yes.

I don't really know her beyond her movies.

Well, I can, but that was like Wendy Williams.

Wendy O.

Williams.

Oh, sorry.

I'm going reform school girls.

I'm going all the time.

I thought you meant Wendy Williams.

No, no, no, no, no.

Wendy O.

Williams, the blonde who was like all about mayhem and like, fuck you, and like looked amazing doing it and was like wild.

Okay, yeah.

And

vaguely, I'm remembering this now.

Yeah, you know who Wendy almost is.

It's like

Corman movie days, you know.

And like, that's how I was picturing.

I was like channeling her every day in there.

I was like, fuck this place.

I hate it.

Get me the fuck out of here.

So there's no truth to the rumor that you institutionalized the other Wendy Williams so that you could beat her in the rating.

That wasn't really.

Just kidding.

I'm so gullibled.

I was like, wait, what?

I said it so earnestly.

The importance of being earnest.

The importance of being earnest.

Yeah, I've asked a question, because as you can see, I'm a

really great talk show host who prepares great questions, no?

But like,

do you like all your...

I mean, you've done a million movies, a lot of hits, but they're pretty light.

You know, the romantic comedies.

Yeah, I didn't want to do dark shit.

What about now?

Like, do you think there's like, like, I feel like you could

do a really heavy role now, and it would blow people's minds.

Okay, you know what else comes without the fear?

The feeling of

having to prove something to myself.

And if I end up going back there, I'll be so thrilled because I do love like getting to do do films.

I really do.

But like, I did this film called Grey Gardens, and what I put myself through to like prove to myself that I could be a serious actress or do drama.

I don't know the next time I'll be running to do that.

It'll probably be when my kids are out of the nest, and I don't even know.

And I don't even know anymore.

I don't even know what the fuck I should do.

And I'm so relieved and that doesn't scare me.

And I feel no fear.

I feel like

I just want to put one foot in front of the other.

And I've never felt this way.

So this is what's happened in the last year where I'm like, I feel so

unhingedly liberated from the fear of feeling like I've got to prove something to myself or that I'll get in trouble.

These two things that have really

been been by my side or inside of me my whole life, I've never known life without those things.

And my first taste and bite of the apple is it's the most delicious thing I've ever known.

50s crank.

It is.

And 49 was where the work happened and all leading up to that.

But

well, again, I don't want to do the work, but I get it.

But I definitely don't want to go to...

I definitely don't want to fucking annoying.

What is?

The work.

It is.

It's not annoying.

It's just comedically rich, I feel.

That's a good term.

Comedically rich is the nicest way of saying, I think that should be our code word from now on.

When someone is just,

something or someone is so fucking asinine and it just is like, come

on.

May it be comedically rich.

Well, you did the work on that one.

You stuck your foot in bench bent jokes.

I think we built up to it, and it just is the payoff of a lifetime.

You're talking to somebody who never really understood

psychiatry or like really put a lot into it.

And I know it has helped a lot of people.

But the idea that I could talk to somebody to try to figure me out.

And that he would know more about this subject than I do.

Only one person lived my life.

Like

however much I was talking to this guy, he just does not have privy to so much information that is in my head.

So

I just feel like it's ridiculous to talk to this guy.

Talk to this guy.

He knows where all the bodies are buried.

He knows the truth.

He knows the truth about everything that happened.

Because don't tell me people don't lie to their psychiatrist or then maybe they don't even know they're lying.

Did you have a time in your life where like you didn't think you were the person who had the answers?

Of course.

Very, I mean,

like up until, you know, I wasn't successful, really,

as we would define it in my end of the business.

Until late 30s, I finally got my own TV show, but it was on a small network.

It did get a lot of press.

And yeah, I felt like, okay, this is my, as Bernie Brillstein once said to me, my old manager, I'm sure you know.

Of course, Bernie.

You're walking into stardom at just the right time.

Walking into stardom, I loved it.

Because I was like 36 or something when I got that show.

But

like,

you know, like many of us started out kind of like real strong.

And then there's a period, I mean, we did a lot of sitcoms.

And, you know, you're on your way.

And then there's a dip.

And I, you know, there was a.

You can't stay up all the time.

It's got to come down.

That's what she said.

Good night, everybody.

Exactly.

Remember the June Taylor Dancers will be here next week with Pete Barbuti

and Glenn Miller's tribute band.

You said you did Carson at seven.

That's amazing.

I did Carson at 26.

You know, that's

quite a, and I was already 20 years older, so that's like a...

a big gap in our experience there.

And yet we probably aligned right up.

Well, I mean, I was certainly aware of you

like when I, before I was even in show business, I think, I mean, E.T.

was 1982.

Yep.

Okay, that was my

like second year in comedy, like hanging out at the clubs.

Yeah.

MC.

My mom worked at the comedy store.

Oh, I was in New York, but okay.

Oh, you were?

Yeah, I started.

I grew up out there.

Where were you born?

I was born in New York.

Grew up in New Jersey.

Well, shit, you need to come back home.

I mean, I love New York for a fall weekend, a spring weekend.

I think winter and summer are shit.

I don't like living in a building.

I don't get that.

Yeah, if you're living here, you're not going to make it in Manhattan.

You're going to die on the vineless vineyard.

So you did build the

tiki bar up top here?

You did.

That's what I heard.

Of course, it only came through the grapevine.

So you did.

It's gorgeous.

It's amazing.

It's like a...

i'm so glad it's still standing it's still standing i've kept it just the way it was with the thatch roof and everything oh my god i mean you got to clean the rats out of it but you know it's lots of how you had to probably haul out a lot of sand because i had a whole sand mountain like leading up to the tiki bar a sand mountain yeah i put sand mountain well i just put sand everywhere to you know make it go extra tiki oh i don't remember that we used to do like quarters like games like we turned the tennis court into a beer garden.

Well, it looks like one of the gardeners.

Is the screening room still here?

Yes, absolutely.

With the old projector?

No.

Oh.

That was expensive.

I didn't want that.

Someone has to come in and man it.

It's a whole thing.

And also, it's not like anyone's working on celluloid anymore.

No, I mean, but

right.

I tried to watch something in there.

I mean, I remember.

I did used to screen a lot of movies.

Sure.

Why wouldn't you?

It felt like a big treat.

Beautiful screening room.

Yeah, I was living that Hollywood dream.

It's just not.

I was.

It was so fucking cool.

I know.

I should be.

I've used it like three times in my life.

Oh, my God.

I know.

It's such a good thing.

I love that screening room.

But you know what?

You can't even get...

I wanted to watch this awesome movie.

I don't know if you saw it,

The Apprentice, the one where it's about Trump.

No, I want to see it.

It's great.

Yeah.

It's awesome.

Yeah.

And he got nominated because he should.

Amazing performance.

And

I wanted to watch it in there.

And I was like, you know, because the last time I saw something, there was a disc.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, and then they were making fun of me, you know, Bill, there's no more discs.

Okay.

We don't.

So, okay, I accept this.

No more discs.

I get it.

I'm the dinosaur.

But then they could not get the fucking movie to work.

Because you have to

fly and do everything.

Exactly.

That's I'm the biggest Luddite.

I'm so

confused.

You don't die at all.

When you splurge, what do you splurge on?

Like, I'm not a splurge.

What?

Yeah, no, that's a great question.

It is?

I think so.

Oh, great.

Look, I did it once.

I stumbled on a great question.

I'm telling you.

I'm really putting in the work on this one.

You know,

I love a QA, sure, but isn't the, I always was trying to find the point of having a conversation.

Like, I don't know if I'm a QA person, and my personal experience also a lot with journalists was very Q ⁇ A and like they weren't always listening to what I said because they were thinking about their next question.

And they also do it on the air.

You can see them doing it.

We're trying to fit the agenda in.

So having had that experience at times, not everybody, but at times,

I was like, I want to do the exact opposite of that feeling.

I want to be a pilot who gets someone in the cockpit and we go flying.

Right.

He becomes the little prince.

We go to different planets and then we come in for a landing.

Like, I've got you.

I don't know where we're going, but I will get you home.

I promise you.

That's so great.

And I don't know what the box of tissues are going to be for, the spit take or the tears.

So

having the questions, I don't know.

But if I was to go and do something really fun, it would definitely travel.

Travel is where I like to blow it out.

My question.

I love travel.

I love seeing the world.

I love going places with my friends, my kids.

I live to travel the world.

Like, my first job I ever really wanted was to be a travel writer.

My splurge was always private jets.

Like, and I know there are people, oh, how dare you, the pollution.

Like, okay, well, you know what?

When they outlaw planes,

then I'll join the crowd.

But like, there's a bazillion flights a day.

I don't think I made the situation that much worse.

But, and also, don't be fucking hypocrites.

There's two kinds of people in the world: the kind of people who fly privately and the private kind of people who would if they could fly privately.

I have been both.

There is no third category of people who could fly privately and don't, except for Ed Begley and that little Swedish at a tuneberg.

Yes, those are the only two.

But I don't want to take a sailboat

to Europe.

I don't.

I'm sorry.

And I'm sure that makes me a bad person.

But

yeah,

that's my splurge.

I don't have a lot of, I'm not a car guy, no expensive art, no jewelry.

Yeah,

no divorces, no alimony, no children.

You know, like, I don't have a lot of expenses.

That was always like, and of course, most of the time I took the plane, I was going to a gig and I was still making money.

I was just making less.

But there was also, once you get used to it,

even when you're not doing a gig, you're like, okay.

It's amazing.

It sets the whole world up for like something different.

But I think also you probably make a deal with yourself of like how you want to get back and forth from work and what is worth it to you.

Right.

And this is the first time in my life where I,

it's like that is the fear I'm talking about.

Like the fear of even having the conversation is gone.

And I was the person who was like, you know, because I travel in every different way.

I take the fucking RV with my laundry basket and I've flown a private jet and I take commercial and I

yeah, I love RVs.

You have one?

I don't own one.

I get them from Cruise America.

Like a sprinter?

Like a Tioga, a Class C.

You have a regular driver's license.

There's two beds.

Where do you take this?

Last one I took was New York to Florida.

My friend had her.

You drove from New York to Florida in RV with your kids?

No, just my girlfriend or my friend.

Oh, girlfriend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

With our adventures?

Totally.

It was so fun.

Really?

Not like, nothing like party.

Those were more like in the olden party days.

No, we're at the Motel 6.

Yeah.

Okay.

You're trying to.

You're trying to convince the manager to keep the pool open past midnight.

It's a stupid rule.

That's

right.

Jackson could convince you to keep the pool open.

Wait, I'm channeling my comic days when I was doing exactly that.

But it is fun to be in a motel when you're on the road.

It can be.

Did you have fun in the motel on the road?

I feel like it just loosens people up.

The atmosphere, there's two places, the Playboy Mansion and the Motel 6.

I used to go to the Playboy Mansion all the time.

Of course.

You were 12.

No, I wasn't when I went there.

I was older.

13.

When did you go to the Playboy?

Because I didn't see you there when I was there.

Like in my 20s.

Yeah, you're probably over it when I was just into it.

No, I was like hanging out on like the lawn with Cameron Diaz and we were just walking around hanging out and I never like picked people up.

I never got into that shit, but I loved being there and having a going to a party there.

It was a fun,

iconic

campy.

I mean, you couldn't take if you as long as you didn't take it too seriously.

No, I trust that where I am is

so much better.

I don't really go out a lot, and I want to be the kind of person who throws like a bunch of dinner parties, but I still haven't like

I used to be that person.

I used to be like Mrs.

Game Night, big game nighter.

You know what?

I put in a dining room table because I used to have dinners with Sue Mengers.

Yeah.

She had these awesome dinner parties.

Right.

People who throw them, I admire them so much.

And she could command because of who she was, whoever she wanted, and they would come.

Right.

So I put in a round table, like just like hers, because a round table, everyone can see each other, talk to each other.

It can't be too wide.

See, I am an industrial designer, and I actually make furniture, and I have a very big passion.

This is what occupies my fucking brain about the circular circumference of a round table because you can quickly alienate everyone around you with too much circle.

Well, this is for like eight or nine or ten, eight, at most ten, but I think eight.

Can the people across from each other talk?

Of course.

That's the genius of a round table.

No, people make it too big.

And then literally.

I don't think eight is too big.

I think

eight is good.

Eight is good.

Yeah.

I really, I do want to measure your table.

We should have a, when you're out here, so we should have, you should, we should, you have to invite the people because you have the cachet to do that.

I do not.

I don't know if I do.

Oh, you totally do.

I don't see myself that way.

Well, if you and I throw a dinner party, I promise you a lot of great people will come.

You know what?

That would be really fun.

And I'm in an era where I really want to do that.

Like I used to be so good at being like, come on, everybody, let's go.

But it was in the 90s more and like in the 80s where it was kind of door open.

And actually, that's a lot of times.

Your Hollywood royalty.

I'm like, wow, that guy.

He's smart.

I don't know if I want to even be in the room with him.

He's going to be, maybe he's going to be mean.

You come out on your show and there is like, you are an oak.

You cannot fuck with you.

And then it turns out like you're, you're

much more human in that way of like, and I have known you over the years, but I would not have known the things about you that I've ascertained from this conversation, just like you to me.

And I don't think those people ever that we're being out there are not us.

I know they are us, but it is not the full picture.

You can't have that.

That's one reason I wanted to do this.

I know, me too.

Yeah.

I mean, like a podcast, you know, and with you.

But like, this is like something

that is

different.

It is different.

And yet I am the same guy.

It always amuses me that people feel like there's this big demarcation.

And I certainly get the difference between real time and this.

It is a lot.

But I feel like my fans, they don't see that big a difference.

They're like,

like, you know, he's this and that, and he's like, I've heard, I've had reviews, unlikable.

I'm like, really?

I've been on TV for 32 years.

Can you really do that and be unlikable?

I mean, I get it, you don't like me.

But like, it feels like you have to have something more than just the information you're giving.

What people have to kind of, and I feel like my real fans, they're like, they don't see that big a difference.

They see me on real time and know I've got a suit and a tie on, and we're talking to a senator.

But it's like, it's really the same guy because I just, as we were saying, I just don't know how to or have any interest in being other than who I am.

Not in a relationship, so don't try to change me.

Not on a TV show, not here.

Just let me be who I am, good and bad.

I know this,

in ways, I'm a preposterous character,

but I own it.

I think I am too.

I know, I

Barely.

You're so sane.

I keep saying it, but really, you're so level-headed.

Like one of the most level-headed people.

Coming from you, I fucking love that.

I'm really thrilled to hear that.

Yeah.

We're just,

you know, people who are

trying

to make it with what we're given.

You know, that's kind of the secret, I feel.

It's like use figure out what you're good at, what you were organically given that makes you special, and then

develop that.

Because if you try to develop something that you're not organically great at, you'll fail.

Like I would love to have been a musician.

I never attempted it because I'm terrible at it.

Yeah, of course, me too.

And so like, don't like try to turn a, you know, silk sousi into a silk purse.

it's not going to happen

but

you know that's the kind of thing if i had kids that's the kind of thing i would be telling them like figure out what you're good at don't don't be the 23 year old who's out of college and you don't know what you're good at you're like

i i hear that so much you know when did you know you were good at comedy like seven like very young Like I wanted to be a comedian before I was 10.

That's who I liked on TV, you know?

Yes.

And that's who my father was funny.

My mother was witty.

It was just in our house.

I'm sure I saw my father looking popular among his friends if he got a laugh.

I think that's what puts the chip in your brain.

And then, I mean, you have to be born or somehow get timing when you're young.

Comedy is all timing.

Wit.

Yes, it is.

Wit is everything.

It just is.

It's like a cylinder that's my favorite.

Not to everybody.

A lot of people don't give a shit about wit.

I think it's synonymous with being funny.

Smart people need wit in their life.

Yeah.

I mean, other people do not.

Do your friends make you laugh?

Well, they wouldn't be my friends if they didn't.

Yeah, me too.

My friends are so fucking funny, it hurts my soul.

I find myself in that laughter that I just is my favorite feeling other than the love of my kids.

It's like those moments with my friends when I feel so safe.

I know I'm with people I totally trust and we are laughing our balls off.

I remember I had this very.

Same people I can talk to the heaviest shit about, you know.

And this very, the longest relationship I really ever had, like in my, and mine too.

Like the late 80s, early 90s when I was in my mid-30s.

Oh, with a woman.

Yeah, like a like a, you know, real serious thing.

Like I, I, if I was going to get married, that's.

Was it about her or where you thought you should be in life?

Oh, it was totally her.

She was.

Where is she now?

She's with some, she's

Colorado, I think, maybe Arizona.

I mean, there's been those two states involved.

She's with somebody.

She's very happy.

We're still the best of friends.

But, you know, I was, you know, not certainly ready to settle down, even though she was perfect.

And one reason she was perfect, if I get to this point, is like,

she said to me, unlike other girls, I remember I just had gotten out of a relationship with a girl, had the opposite point of view, and who had made me like go out with her friends who were boring.

And this girl said to me at one point, no, let's just go out with your friends.

They're comedians.

They're so much funnier and better to hang around than my friends.

Are you kidding?

And, you know, because I think we had just had dinner with Richard Lewis.

It's like, yeah, wouldn't you rather have dinner with Richard Lewis than a fucking insurance salesman?

And I was like, this girl is a keeper

because she's not wrong.

And we're going to have a better time.

And we're going to hang out with my comedian friends.

My dream person professionally was Adam Sandler back in the day.

Yeah.

I was like, this guy has it all.

It's been a very special relationship.

Like, I feel like the public feels that way too.

I love him so much, and I love his wife so much and his family.

And we were single people

who didn't have kids, who were really young when we first started, like, working together.

So, why didn't you end up with him?

We just always had a really platonic relationship.

It just never was that.

Didn't have that gene.

It just

thing, that pull.

And I'm so glad, by the way, like, who knows what would have fucking happened.

Fucked everything up.

Probably.

The second people do that, it's all a fucking sensitive city.

You know, why?

Why?

Why can I have 40 years with my friends that takes so much work?

It really does.

Friendships take work.

If you're not working at the friendships, that's interesting.

I would pay attention to that.

Friendships take a lot of work.

You grow, you change, you have to keep it up.

You have to be open to what they're being honest with you about.

You have to tell them your truths.

It's a lot of work.

Yeah.

But they stay.

And I don't.

And the other thing is primal.

You either want to fuck somebody or you don't.

It's just, you just go.

But what about the slow burn?

What about like someone being so dynamic and brilliant that before you know it, you're like, oh, I wouldn't have thought so initially, but shit.

That happens with

there's a type of people that happens too.

They're called women.

But that's why I can't date on dating apps because it's like, from a picture and your first fucking name and your duplicitous title.

I know you're not a fucking astronaut.

First of all, please don't ever go on a date.

Why would you go on a dating system?

I tried it.

Yeah, I read about that.

It's fun to talk about, it's fun to be in the world and attempt things and relate to people and be in a current climate of how people behave.

It's not for me.

May I quote Lou Grant in a Mary Tyler Moore episode?

Yeah.

The treasure doesn't do the hunting.

Oh.

So that's what candle in the wind means.

Just kidding.

Really?

You're too good for that.

You shouldn't know.

First of all,

it's a bullshit thing.

It's a bullshit thing.

And also, you're just like, you're not of, I mean, for better or worse, you're a giant celebrity.

But I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy.

I just want that one again.

It's the best.

It's the best.

It's the best.

Nottinghill.

Richard Curtis.

Genius.

Who made Love Actually?

Yes.

Have you seen the movie About Time?

No.

With Rachel McAdams.

No.

And Donald Gleason.

No, but it's About Time I Did.

That

and Defending Your Life.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, of course.

That's a masterpiece.

Like, those.

About Time.

is so beautiful.

Richard Curtis.

I'll have to catch up with that one.

He put such meaningful things into the world.

He has so much heart and so much brilliance, and his movies are so fucking life-affirming.

But not anyhow.

It's just, it's like,

it's, you know,

you watch it,

you know, maybe with someone who hasn't seen it, and it's just like...

It's a transformative experience because it's just like what a rom-com is supposed to be.

It's actually funny.

You know, it has funny lines in it, and it has what all rom-coms need: a reason why the two people involved can't get together.

I mean, you know, if it's Benjamin Button, it's because we're aging in reverse.

How can we get together?

There has to be a problem.

Yeah.

The giant ship is sinking.

Yeah.

Okay.

This is a problem in a relationship.

Right.

Remember that.

That's right.

Exactly.

And, you know, this is that she's

a goddess, you know, and

but then when she reminds us that she's just a girl standing in front of us.

It's also Hugh Grant, you know.

And Julia Roberts.

That helps.

They're both magnificent.

Yeah.

And it's just,

and also the little cast of characters of weirdos around him.

There's a little,

you know, there's a little bit of that.

thing we love in movies where the the character we relate to is the central sane figure in the middle and around him or her are a bunch of crazy people.

I relate more to Spike than Julia Roberts.

No, you don't.

No, you don't.

You really don't.

Spike, you are not Spike.

You're Julia Roberts.

You know, you're a movie star.

You're a movie star.

I've never known it.

I'm just a boy

sitting on a bench with a girl, telling you you're a movie star.

Sitting on a swing.

Telling you you're a movie star.

In my old house.

And you just, movie stars just don't go on dating sites, okay?

Can we just make that rule?

Movie stars don't go on

dating sites.

Deal.

You know, I don't really think I have to explain it more than that.

It was fun to attempt until I realized what everyone's dealing with.

And now I just.

Well, first of all, how could you even trust anything that's on it?

You certainly can't trust the pictures.

Well, that's

I learned that from MySpace.

Oh, my God, MySpace.

I swear to God, that is why I emphasized the word trust earlier.

I think that has that is the North Star.

Trust.

And

it's very hard, but it can be earned, and it's a beautiful thing when it is.

I've explained this to a million young girls younger than me who don't understand because they're young.

Trust is just not something that happens without years, which you do not have.

That doesn't mean I don't like you, but trust has to come in time.

There is no shortcut to it.

Like somebody I know 20 years, I trust.

If they do something sketchy, I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe because I've known them for a long time, I have history, exactly, history.

And so it seems an aberration.

If you do something sketchy, I don't know you.

It's very different.

So that's all I know about you.

Not you.

It's so true.

No, I feel true.

Not you.

You I do trust already.

I'm so glad.

Yes, absolutely.

Because you are a very,

a word I learned, which I loved along, you know, discerning.

You are a very discerning man.

When it comes to a lot of things, you are.

It's a charitable word for it, but I appreciate it.

Yes, I think I am.

I mean, I've watched you for decades go out there and speak your truth.

Yeah.

I don't think there is anything that exists of the truth.

It's your truth and there is also in life the truth.

We may not always be able to discern it, but there is the truth.

Well that's at the biggest risk right now.

But it's very hard to be the one on either side to ever proclaim you know what it is.

That is a dangerous thing to do.

We always need to hear because we don't know.

We're not God.

No.

Right.

No.

But there is, but it does exist.

The truth.

Not everything is just your truth.

I mean, your truth has become sort of like code word for just whatever I feel like, whatever I feel like believing.

Well, that's not really the same thing as your truth.

You feel this way.

Feeling is not enough for me.

Again, that's such a male.

patriarchal point of view.

Facts, things.

No, but that, it just, it is such a taboo subject, the truth.

It is.

Oh, and it gets you hated.

Oh, I'm as soon as I said it, I was like, the truth, that there is no truth.

I'm like, that doesn't work.

You can't say things like that.

But

I

was putting on you that you speak your truth.

And you have a lot of bravado about what you think is the truth or not, but it's just so refreshing.

Like, you were doing this

before it was so dangerous.

Still dangerous.

And it is just way too dangerous now.

But you're still doing it.

It's slightly less dangerous than it was two years ago because we did have a value change.

And because the Democrats lost so badly in 2024,

the blush is off the rose on left-wing censorship and oh my God, you can't say that.

Stop telling me what I can do, what I can say, what I can think, who my heroes are supposed to be.

Just, you know, just

get the fuck off of me.

Get back up off of me.

That is a lot of just what viscerally is going on with me when I have issues with the left.

Just get the fuck off of me.

First of all, I don't believe you.

You're not better.

You're just, you're a lot of posers, not all of you, but just get the fuck off of me.

Well, that's what I like is it's you're, you know, you call people out from all different areas, and I don't even know how to address parties anymore.

Everything is so different now.

Yeah.

But I, you know, if you are ballsy enough to do those things, what is it that like scares you or that you care about?

You're asking me?

Yeah.

Caught.

I was so riveted by the framing there.

I was like,

wow, who are we talking to?

What was the question?

What am I...

If you're ballsy enough to be brave enough to say your truths or speak to what you believe is the truth,

what scares you and what do you care about?

Oh, what scares me is a little bit me

that, you know,

at any moment, you can like say something that really in private conversation wouldn't upset anybody.

Yes.

But the snitches and bitches will be able to use it to

attack and end you, which they did once, unpolitically incorrect.

I've been ended a few times and I understand that it is real and it can happen.

Right.

So like I always say whenever I leave the house, not even to just do the show, just leave the house,

I'm having dinner at a restaurant, but one of those rooftop restaurants.

Because is it really really dangerous?

Not very, but you could fall off the roof.

Like when you ate a normal restaurant, there's no danger of you falling off the roof.

When you eat at a rooftop restaurant, there's very little, but it is possible you could fall off the roof.

When I go out, it's probably, I'm just going out to dinner.

It's unlikely anything is going to happen that would end my career, but it is possible.

Okay, so that is possible.

That's a part part of like the in trouble thing.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

Whenever it's so funny, pull into the driveway, I always say to my girl, like, did anything bad happen tonight?

And she's like, what the fuck are you doing?

Nothing bad happened.

Yes.

You went out to dinner.

Nothing bad happened.

I have walked around with that feeling my whole life.

But But I'm always, and now it's like a running joke because, you know, did anything bad happen?

Like that sort of paranoia,

no.

Is it as bad as things other people go through?

No.

But living with that paranoia is not nothing.

I don't feel guilty about saying that that's a complaint I have about life.

Everybody has their complaints.

That's one of mine.

Is it as bad as starving?

No.

But it's not nothing.

It kind of sucks that you can't pull into the driveway without a peaceable night at dinner without thinking, did anything bad happen?

Is somebody going to like, you know.

Did I say something?

Did I do something?

Right, right.

Especially if you're with a lot of prominent people, you know?

And I'm like a funny, funny guy and it's a guy who gets loaded and

says that's yes.

It's like, I thought it was funny.

I have so many friends who are like, if they looked at my texts, I'd be ruined.

Like, cause you just riff and talk and you're not like, you know, possibly liable at that moment.

I wouldn't do it in a text.

No, I'm just saying, people, other people have that right on this property,

right outside this window.

My dad stayed on the property with me, and it was like the only time I ever lived with him.

And you made him stay outside the window?

Well, in this pathway here, no, he stayed in the house next door.

The tree house.

The tree house.

He said to me, he was was like,

I said something about paranoia to him because he was extremely paranoid.

But he said, it's not paranoia.

It's baranoia.

And that happened at this house.

Wow.

And I was like,

thank you.

You finally put a word to how I feel in the world.

I have fucking paranoia.

which is like a hybrid of our name, obviously, and paranoia.

And maybe everybody feels that way.

Maybe everyone's pulling into the driveway at night going, did I fucking do or say something?

No, they're not.

No, they're not.

We are.

Plumbers aren't.

And I get it.

I'd rather be.

Maybe they are.

No, they're not.

I'd rather be me than a plumber.

But let's not kid ourselves.

Plumbers don't worry about that.

They don't pull in the driveway and go, did anything bad happen?

They pull in the driveway and go, oh, shit.

tomorrow the rent is due and that's worse but this is my shit like we all just got to live with our own shit.

And that's, you know,

as long as you're just not home alone, you're having dinner on the roof.

You're probably not going to fall off of it, but it's always kind of on your mind.

Like, I don't ever have dinner anymore at restaurants on the roof, because what if there's an earthquake?

Unlikely, but if there is, I'm going to be trampled by a lot of fucking millennials and Gen Zers going for the

elevator.

And they're not going to be like, you know, some of them will be, oh, good, what a great opportunity to kill Bill Marx.

Like, the earthquake is secondary to that.

But, you know, it's just, it is what it is.

I think everybody pulls into the driveway and is worried for their well-being.

They're worried about something happening.

Yeah, it's just different.

It's just what they're worried about.

But the feeling is the same.

And that's what I learned with those girls in the institution.

I was like, we're all in the same boat.

We all feel the same way.

It is a feeling of fear of loss.

All right.

Well, I know the show is over because I have to pee.

I have to pee so bad.

It just hit me, too.

Oh, great.

Look, we're in sync.

We have matched up our cycles.

That's what us girls do, Bill.

We sync up.

Well, I can't tell you how much this meant to me that you would come by here and do this.

I'm going to be on Hollywood Squares.

Right.

no thank you for coming and doing that absolutely i gave it my best shot and i really hope that you'll come do the show but most

oh that i'd be good at most importantly

i i want to throw that dinner party with you oh yes

because like people won't come if i invite them but you i totally disagree i i would show up for a dinner invitation from you you're different you're a little different you're a different kind of cat you're very real

a lot of A lot of people in this town are like, it's very about who else is coming.

Oh, okay.

Do you want to know something about me?

Yes.

I literally avoided all the dinner parties because they made me feel like that.

There was like so much about who was there.

And I have never been that person.

And what I love about your show, and

this is part of what I thought was our connection, that we can't help being ourselves, but that I find with you, and I know this is my truth, that I don't know where the next great conversation is coming from.

I don't know where the life-changing moment or the funny little fact or the wisdom or the idea of something or the laugh or the tear is coming from.

And the way I see you talking to people all these years is so not always about the name or the person or the this or the get or the that.

It's talking talking to people.

Yeah.

It's very interesting to hear.

I am a people person.

Oh, I know.

So I know we'll make that dinner party really fun and it's not going to be the gets.

It's like, who would we find so fun and who would actually come?

And I know it would be fucking awesome.

I know I want to get Spielberg.

All right, we'll call him.

I have him on speed dial.

Again,

you could get him and I can't.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, I could get him on speed dial, but would he come?

I I don't know.

If it was you, he would.

I've said that.

But also.

He'd want to know who else was there.

And but it would be like, that's the thing.

Like the,

you know, the highfalutin types, the fancy people, they want to feel like they're among people of their worthy.

I don't get that vibe from you.

Not me.

Not me.

Definitely not me.

No, me neither.

I've never felt that way in my life.

Like the idea of that like people have to be like successful and fabulous.

I mean, it's true.

I've never even like dated that way.

I just, that is not plainly.

No.

I just, it's not where my head's at.

My head is like, who is that fucking person?

Are they

Do they have a brilliance that I would be so lucky to be around and really like enjoy that?

And then who they are in the world is totally random after that.

Random.

Right.

Couldn't agree more.

Having said that, Benson Boone asked me for your number.

He's so too young, and he so does not want my phone number.

I'm just saying.

But by the way, he's so lovely.

He's such a dynamic figure out in the world.

I'm very excited for him and his life.

I agree.

All of that he's putting out in the world.

Maybe he would come to the dinner party.

Exactly.

He would if you asked him.

I'm telling you, you're the new Sue Mengers.

I'm telling you.

You have to.

Compared to Sue Mengers, I thought.

H-A-W-T.

I'm glad we put a human face on this.

I guarantee you, Benson Boone would not come to a dinner party if I invited him, but would definitely come if you invited him.

I don't know what to do.

Maybe.

That is the litmus test.

I don't, I absolutely, you want to put a billion

trillion pesos on this?

Yes, Benson Boone.

Well, let's just see what happens.

Okay.

And either we're both going to be the losers who Benson Boone doesn't want to fucking have dinner with.

It's only eight people.

Me, you, Spielberg, and his wife.

I hope to not ride of a round table because I'd like to talk.

That's the fucking thing with big round tables.

You've alienated everyone in all

the people next to you.

This table is the opposite of alienation.

Okay, I'm going to measure it.

You can do it right now.

It's right next door.

Okay, but I'm telling you, Spielberg, Benson Boom.

Bigger than 60 inches.

I'm going to be coming here with a chainsaw and like taking off the rim.

That's what she said.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry to keep you

peeing.

This was the best.

I agree.

Oh, my best.

It's a shame that we can't do this on real TV.

But, you know, years ago you did PI, I mean, real time, and I did not treat you the right way.

I know I didn't.

You remember that?

I do, and I'm sorry about it.

I should have been.

Thank you for saying that.

No, no, no.

Because you did the documentary and you were so nice.

I just should have been cooler.

And

it was early.

It was early on, and I was like nervous and getting my show.

I got off the show.

I was like, I didn't know what the show was.

I was like, hey, hey,

thank you for saying that.

That's what always bothered me.

Oh, my God.

I love that.

Yeah, no, no.

I'm better now.

I grew up more, you know, I got more mature.

I never ever held it against me.

I know, because you're so sweet like that.

You're a good person.

I appreciate you.

You really are.

You really are.

And so sane.

So sane.

Ah, you know.

God.

Really?

People don't realize that's the

compliment out there.

I've got so many nuts here.

And they're not.

I don't doubt it, by the way.

And some of them are like very high-falutin nuts, but they are.

There are some high-functioning nuts out there.

Nuts they are.

Totally.

It's like in Notting Hill, you know, that scene where the same scene, what you quoted before, and he's saying to her, well, I haven't seen you you in a while and I see you won an Oscar and you're doing so well and she's like it's all nonsense

I know it seems great and we read about in the papers but nonsense it is it's just so great that moment

it is nonsense it is nonsense it's not

okay I'm excited to see who's going to come to this dinner party Benson Boone Benson Boone is our first invite

because you know like Spielberg's going to say, who else is going to be there?

And you're going to say, Benson Boone.

He's going, oh, that must be the best.

So, guess what?

Benson Boone has all the power to make this.

But he's going to say,

he's going to say, who's coming?

And you're going to say, Steven Spielberg.

And he's going to say, I'm there.

Well, yeah, because then that's canceling my.

It's not us.

Exactly.

So we have no clout or pull.

It's basically like.

You do.

Because you can lie to them both.

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