William H. Macy | Club Random with Bill Maher

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The golden age of rock and roll is whenever you're 16.

No, it happened in 1968 when I was 16.

How'd you get Timothy Chalamet to do your

liquor ad for you?

We're constantly mistaken for each other.

Bill?

How are you, sir?

Bill Macy,

may I call you William H.

You may, but call me Bill.

Did you miss me, dear?

Why?

I was on your show before.

Oh, I know, but that was

a long time ago.

You look good.

So do you.

I mean,

we're here.

We're upright.

That's

sort of a victory.

I mean, you notice as you get older, like, the way the goalposts recede, like, you know, things that you were very upset, like, about your physical appearance, or like, well,

something worse came along, so I'm just not going to worry about it.

I was so intent on fixing that one.

I figured that one out, though.

Get rid of the mirrors.

Just don't look.

Although for what I do for a living,

it's tougher when you're an actor.

I still have yet to figure out how you can do one film and a year later you do another film and you look four years older.

You think so?

Yes.

I don't think that's your case.

But, you know, you always had a mature look.

And, you know, I don't remember too.

I mean,

what would you say is like the first thing you did?

And how old were you when there was national

attention and we kind of knew who you were and recognized you?

Because it wasn't like in your 20s, was it?

When was Fargo?

When was 30s, 40s?

40s.

I did a thing called The Awakening Land, Elizabeth Montgomery and Howell Holbrook.

And I'm going to say I might have been in my 20s then.

And it was a big

mini-series.

Oh, a mini-series.

Remember that phrase?

Do I remember it?

I did it.

Okay, before you get out of here, you've got to try some Woody Creek Rye.

Rye?

Rye whiskey, brother.

This is America's drink.

Oh, it has your name on it.

That just makes it better

why is it your brand or you just

yeah i um i own your own brand of rye well i'm part of the company woody creek distillers out of woody creek colorado ask me where i live where do you live woody creek colorado

yep um wow rye fabulous america's drinks um

rye is whiskey i mean

you know what I don't really

where does rye fit in it's not bourbon but it's in the bourbon corn rye is rye.

It's in the bourbon family?

No, it's in the whiskey family.

They're both whiskeys.

There are laws about such things.

If you're going to be bourbon, you've got to be 51% corn.

If you're going to be rye, I'm going to put some in a glass for you.

Well, I already poured this one.

I will.

All right, all right.

I mean, you know, never mix, never worry, Bill.

I think we...

Oh, that's pussy talk.

It's pussy talk.

Well, okay.

I'm glad we're getting down to it.

Pussy talk, huh?

We've only been here five minutes, and we're already challenging each other with pussy talk.

Okay.

Okay, so this distillery makes the finest spirits in America.

There are others.

So that's made of corn?

This is rye whiskey.

Rye.

Corn.

Rye.

Rye is a grass, ryegrass.

Who's on first?

Yeah.

Right.

Ryegrass.

It's that.

It's a weed.

Oh, it's made out of a weed.

Yeah, rye.

Okay, and bourbon.

Rye bread and stuff like that.

Because I don't want to eat corn.

Corn's not good.

No.

It's not.

Bourbon's good.

I was a bourbon drinker for a while.

Is that corn?

Yeah.

Well, it's good tasting and good to get you fucked up, but it's ungood for you.

You know, you know what I mean?

You're a tequila guy, right?

Yes.

I mean, I barely drink at all at this point.

You know, apropos to our discussion, you got to like throttle back when you get older.

You just can't.

I mean, if you just, if you drink as much as you drank when we were young, you'd look like Ted Kennedy.

I mean,

Ted Kennedy now.

Really bad.

So I barely drank.

I look forward to coming here because this is basically the only time I drink.

Yeah.

Just water?

No, no.

I put the tequila in with the

but you're barely going to drink it.

Oh no, I'm going to have more of it as we continue to.

Yeah.

Half of my friends drink too much and the other half don't drink enough.

And I'm going to smoke pot.

I raise you.

You're fucking dry.

And I.

We're gonna put out some lines here.

What?

Just kidding.

Did you have a

Coke era in your life?

Yes, not enough, though.

Shameless.

Yeah.

That was a great show.

I was a...

That was a great thing for you.

Fabulous.

What a mitzvah.

I just learned so much.

And what a part.

What a part.

What a pleasure to like.

I mean, that must be fun to go to work and just, you know, indulge.

Not that you're that guy, but

just to be that guy for a while.

Sometimes I'd read these scripts, I'd have to call my daughters and say, is this stuff happened?

This is a real thing?

They would go, yeah, pop, come on.

Good God.

11 years.

11 years?

Really?

That show was on 11 years?

Fuck.

And it was at Warner Brothers, and I live

up off of Mull Holland.

I'd ride my motorcycle there.

I mean, it just couldn't get better than that job.

You still ride a motorcycle?

Yeah.

Well, that's going going to fuck you up.

Not if I don't fall down.

I know, but you, but I mean, I've certainly known enough people who have fallen off that fucking thing.

I know.

I don't want to talk about it.

I ride like an old guy.

I will tell you that.

But, I mean, okay, but like, if you fall off a motorcycle at your age, you know.

It's a bad thing.

It's a bad thing.

I mean, I played basketball yesterday, and like, I'm a little stiff today, you know?

Right.

It's just, you know,

I'm not saying it's not stupidly dangerous, but I do think at our age we have to scare ourselves on a regular basis.

Scare ourselves.

Well, we've got to get out of our comfort zone.

We've got to try stuff that's new.

There's an old saying, don't let the old man in.

Yeah, right.

You know, and I believe that.

I mean, that's why I never got married.

I just feel like marriage is the portal to aging.

You know, and that's individual.

I mean, certainly I'm sure for many people, it's the portal to fun.

Man,

I married really well.

It's the best thing I ever did.

Really?

Yeah,

it's kept me current and healthy and happy.

And, yep.

Current?

Why couldn't you say current without marriage?

You could.

Oh.

I'm not sure I could have.

Really?

Well,

we need to push each other.

Felicity is an actor, too, and she's got different interests.

And

it's healthy.

It's a really healthy thing.

And we talk about it, man.

We talk about

our scripts.

We talk about acting.

We give each other notes.

I don't recommend you try this at home, everyone, but for us it works.

But it's not too much of a thing.

Like, you have to, like,

what if she is critical of something you're doing, like in the play or the movie you're doing?

I mean, and then you're kind of pissed at her, so doesn't that infect the, you know, later on in the evening evening time when maybe you want to have more a romantic thing, but you're kind of still pissed because she criticized your acting at three in the afternoon?

We met in the theater.

We grew up together in the theater, and

it's happened.

She's hurt my feelings, and I know I've hurt her feelings by being too harsh.

Really?

But it's rare.

It's rare.

We talk about it, and I think if someone really just wants to be in your corner, wants to help in any way they can,

it's a pretty

easy task to know that line of

when you've said it, you've said enough, it's a suggestion.

When you were single, were you always looking to get married?

Did you think you needed a or wanted, you wanted a partner, you wanted a partnership?

We got married when I was older, had kids.

I did all of that stuff when I was older, so.

His second time around.

Second, yeah.

Yeah, I mean,

Ingrid Bergman got married seven times,

and she said, I married more people because I am more people.

And I kind of always understood what she meant by that.

Maybe not seven times, but when I think of like Bill Maher

in

his 20s,

I don't even know who that is.

I mean, we were pissing out of the same dick, but past that, I mean, it's just like,

now, could that person be, you know, still

very much in love and on the same wavelength as somebody when you're in your 60s?

Absolutely could, and it has happened.

My parents are married 41 years.

Did they get along?

Yeah, but everybody in that era did.

It was just a thing.

My parents.

No.

No.

But even if they didn't get along, They stayed.

They stayed together.

It was interesting.

At one time, I had a real serious talk with my dad where I said, split up.

And he said no.

And as we got into it, I had one of those moments where you grow up real fast when I finally looked at his face and realized the damage I was doing, the territory I was taking him into, facing stuff that he didn't want to face.

You?

My dad.

No, you were taking him into this territory?

How old were you at this time?

In my 20s.

Okay.

They didn't get along.

And they were still together, but they were not.

Right.

And you suggested maybe they'd be happier.

Move off.

Move off.

And he didn't take it well.

He didn't have the strength to do that.

It wasn't going to happen.

Right.

And I was playing with fire with his emotions.

And I suddenly went, God, what's the matter with you?

And I realized also it was none of my freaking business.

Well, you're their son.

It's a little of your business.

It's a little.

And I went way past a little.

Yeah, that's a hard call.

You know,

Jackson Brown has a great line.

Don't confront me with my failures.

I have not forgotten them.

I think of it often, you know, when people, because I have not forgotten them.

And I am in my own worst critic.

And you may be probably yours.

You're a very successful person.

Usually successful people are their own worst critic.

But

yeah, you want to be, I've confronted situations like that myself where like I say to myself if if you're a real friend, you're going to tell this person the truth, because that's what a real friend does.

And nobody else is telling them the truth.

But then when you do, you're the asshole.

You're the asshole.

That's a tough one, isn't it?

It is a tough one.

Especially if it doesn't work, like in this case.

Then you're the asshole, and it didn't work.

The guy I grew up with, Stephen Schachter, he's a good friend of Dave's.

We were in that original company,

and he's one of the smartest guys I know.

And he had that philosophy a good friend is gonna tell you the truth right and my God he made people mad for some reason I can do the same thing and they don't get mad at me he's talked about it Felicity's talked about it I can say the hard things and get away with it not always but but you just said to your father not I know not always but

but usually the big ones yeah you fuck up and

yeah

it's one of you know you're talking about forgiving yourself.

It's one of the things I learned in Chainless because I got to go to work for 11 freaking years.

Every day I got to act.

I really backed off of myself.

I thought, okay, you did the scene bad.

There's another scene.

Calm down.

Really?

Yeah, that show sucked.

There's another show.

Just calm down.

And Lord, did my

work improve.

I'm not sure.

Are you telling me that you're happy you came to that place or not happy?

Oh, very happy.

Very happy that you let let yourself go.

Yeah.

You know, worry, it doesn't help anything.

Well, it doesn't help anything if there's no practical...

Yes, you're right.

Worry is negative thinking.

Unless it actually does serve a purpose.

Motivates you.

Motivates you or also fends off trouble.

that is a fur away that you are seeing coming toward you.

so your mind is turning and turning and turning.

How can I avoid this?

You know, I'm not one of those people who's very good with trouble if it's really at my doorstep.

There are people, I've known them, who they can be like on, literally on trial for their life.

And until the verdict says guilty,

they sleep like a baby.

I know.

They're out partying.

I mean, really.

I know.

I know these people too.

Yeah, I think Diddy was one until they nabbed him.

He just didn't think they were going to nab He could have fled the country.

He was sitting in a hotel lobby.

He was like, eh, you know what?

They're not going to get me.

Getting back to the Schachter factor, my friend Stephen Schachter, perhaps someone should have said, dude.

Yeah, but

I am not that guy.

My method of staying happy is

keeping trouble as far away because if there is something to worry about, I will worry about it.

Yeah.

So, like, I don't mind when I get all godfathery.

Remember in the godfather when he says, Why didn't you come to me first?

Well, that, but no, when he says to Michael, women and children, they're going to be careless.

Men can't be careless, you know, in his era and with all that, he was

saying, like, I have to always be thinking ahead because they're going to try to kill me, you know.

When I come to you for the meeting, yes, That's the traitor.

So that's how I do it.

But it would be wonderful to be one of those people who can just put shit out of your mind.

I'm afraid I'm one of those people.

You can't.

It's a waspy kind of

skill I have.

My mother was great.

I'd say, Mom, did you see the film I did?

And she said, yeah.

I don't like it.

I'd say, Mom, what about blah, blah, blah?

I don't like to think about that.

And she wouldn't think about it.

it, and I've inherited that.

I can put shit out of my mind.

And why do you think that's a wasp kind of quality?

And by the way.

Maybe because I'm a wasp, and I don't know many people that cannot chew on things.

There's no one under 50 who knows what we're talking about.

What is that?

They don't know the word wasp.

I've tested it.

How can you not know what a wasp is?

They don't know what

they know what white means.

They don't know Anglo-Saxon.

Protestant is like, well, they know what that is, sort of, but but like that

anagram or whatever that word means, I mean, what is it right?

Right?

Is that progress?

I don't know.

No, it's not progress, it's ignorance.

I mean, this country was founded by white Anglo-Saxon, meaning from England, Protestants.

You know, obviously a terrible history we have, exclusionary, racist, blah, blah, blah.

But that's who they were.

They didn't allow into their club not just blacks, and of course not Indians or Mexicans, but not even Catholics.

Or women.

Or Jews or women.

White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant, WASP.

That was until Kennedy.

In our lifetime, John F.

Kennedy was the first Catholic president.

Right.

And he broke the WASP.

And remember the controversy of what will a Catholic do in the White House?

I don't personally, because I was a toddler, but I...

Oh, shut up.

You were not.

Kennedy?

Yeah.

I was four when he was elected.

I just was not into the campaign.

Talk.

I feel very old.

I remember once my father and I did have like a

fight, not a fight, but like I was like,

you know, I grew up in that era where you were kind of scared of your father, so I didn't throw tantrums.

But he wanted to watch on the black and white TV, like a Kennedy speech, and it was on when the Three Stooges were on or something.

And I was like, you cannot preempt the Three Stooges for Kennedy, and there was no second TV.

I mean, I know it seems insane how much

thing has changed in just our lifespan, you know?

Do you?

Well, you do.

I know a lot of people that won't watch the news anymore.

I don't watch the news at all.

You don't?

I read about it, and I watch TMZ.

That to me is the news.

I can't watch cable news.

I, you know, would rather get my news from different sources, mostly TikTok.

So what do you do?

Do you read in the morning?

Do you have

mornings?

Bill, I'm not up in the morning.

Mornings are not comedians' times.

You don't go to sleep.

I go to sleep.

I just don't get up in the morning.

Why do I get it?

Well, it sounds like you're arguing that you

don't know anything and you have no information.

No, no, no.

I just said I don't read it in the morning.

Oh, when do you read?

At night, when I'm up or in the day.

I'm just saying morning is not my time.

Are you a morning person?

You have to be when you're an actor.

You're on the set at like 7 a.m., right?

Yeah.

And

recently, I've started to appreciate Felicity loves the morning.

It's a really magical time.

It is.

You know what?

Whenever I've seen it a few times...

No, I'm serious.

It is great.

I just can't be up at both ends.

I could when I was 20, but...

I get a burst of energy at night.

That's my problem.

Yeah.

That'll keep me up until one day.

So do I, and I go with it.

Yeah.

I don't fight it.

Yeah.

You know, my family was a late family.

My father worked nights.

So

he came home late.

He slept late.

I mean, even as a kid, I used to want to stay up to watch Johnny Carson.

So I was, and I had to be up at seven o'clock to get the bus to school.

So I would, you know, take a nap in the afternoon or something.

Oh, naps.

Speaking of cocaine, naps are the new cocaine, I think.

They're just the most fabulous things.

Naps.

And they're legal in all states and non-addicting.

And it's just, I love naps.

Yeah, I used to love them, and I can't really do them now.

I mean, that's one of the casualties I found from aging is that it's harder to get to sleep.

Yeah.

And I certainly can't just conk out in the middle of the day.

I can put myself into a sleep coma for like 10 minutes because sleep kind of puts me out.

I mean, food, like if I'm, you know, if I'm my

gut is having to digest it.

You have to lie down for a while.

Yeah, it doesn't matter where I am, I'll just conk out.

But it's very short, and it's not a satisfying sleep.

When you're working, the trailer has usually the air conditioner makes it rattle and it makes a noise, and boy, I can just

only for 30 minutes, 35 minutes.

You can do it in a trailer?

Yeah, in the makeup, in your trailer, your trailer.

I couldn't do it on a private plane.

No, I can't sleep on an airplane either.

The trailer is different.

It rattles, it's got that vibration and that white noise.

Oh,

puts me right out.

You were like, that's born in a trunk kind of stuff.

It kind of is.

That show business in your blood kind of stuff.

You just fall asleep.

It's so weird.

I've never done anything except what I do.

I'm going to try this.

Okay.

I'm going to try it as a taste.

I can't wait.

It's not the face I was looking for.

For me.

It tastes like Scotch to me.

I've never been a Scotch drinker.

And I learned when my mother

and father were celebrating their 25th anniversary that day never to switch liquor.

My mother, all of her life, was Scotch.

My father was a martini drinker, Irishman,

and, you know, had, you know,

more than one, let's just say.

Not a drunk, but more than one when he got home from work, okay.

But always gin and, you know, vermouth.

Mother,

always one Scotch, you know.

This rocks.

This was the generation, World War II generation, five o'clock.

When it hit five o'clock, it was like you could see the drool coming out of their mouth five o'clock meant you could have a drink and you weren't a fucking drunk it's five o'clock kind of got me by the throat five o'clock hits and I think hey so um

it is very small a minute later I must say it's a nice it's America's drink

but okay so 25th anniversary

and there was big party and

you know for us at the middle class at the patio okay yeah it was the summer July 14th Bastille Day is their anniversary.

And I'd never seen my mother drunk and she this day, because I guess she was nervous, decided to have a martini, a gin martini instead.

And she was like,

still can see her from the patio, from the bedroom window.

That is so not mom.

I know.

And it's like, stick with the liquor that works for you.

It's like, whoa.

Interestingly, my parents did drink rye whiskey, Canadian rye.

And it's funny that I would like the spirit so much because they kept it, it was Canadian rye, it wasn't good.

They kept it under the sink with the cleaning stuff.

And they would pour two

shots of it with a glass of water, and they took it like medicine.

They would down it and then chase it with the glass of water.

It was about as unsexy and as...

I thought, why are you doing this?

I don't get it.

And why do you keep it under this sink with the clocks?

That's got to say something.

What does she think it says?

I think they were guilty.

Right.

Did I mention I'm a wasp?

You know, I got to say,

I feel kind of really good now.

I feel like that's a very warm.

We're not allowed to put it on the label, but it makes you smarter and better looking.

It's been clinically.

I must say, it's kind of a, yeah, I don't like the taste, but it is kind of a warm,

velvety, meltourme kind of feeling.

And bourbon has a bite to it that I now don't like.

But I'm a southern boy, so I grew up with bourbon, but now I like rye.

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The rumor is George Washington left office, and I think the federal government bounced his last three checks.

At any rate,

he needed money and rye whiskey.

That's what he started making.

George Washington?

George.

That's what he did as a career after the presidency?

Yep, made a lot of money, too.

Isn't that so fucking awesome?

Perfect.

That we treated back then

our

ultimate leader, just he's our leader and we love him and he's a father of the country, but he's also just one of us.

Yeah.

And when the gig's over, he's no longer the father of our country.

It's kind of like how baseball players in the offseason, before they made millions of dollars, you know, they'd be like the bartender

at the local gin joint.

because it was the offseason and they made $40,000 a year like everybody else.

And so they needed...

We have really come.

It's like being an actor, too, especially a workaday actor when you're doing guest stars and stuff like that.

Man,

before you get the stuff in the can and they're finished with you, do you need water?

Here's a chair.

The second you're wrapped,

how long will it take you to get out of your trailer?

It's really?

Yeah.

Pretty much.

Not you.

No, I'm.

Yeah, you're.

I'm a big cheese.

Right.

Right.

You mean when you were starting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I remember, I mean, in the 80s, I was, you know, more making my living.

I mean, I was always a stand-up, but I did that.

We all thought when we came out of the New York clubs, the way to get ahead was to be on sitcoms, which I did.

You know, and then that leads to like silly comedy movies.

And for me, it led nowhere, thank God.

But

I remember those kind of parts where you didn't get a full trailer, you got a honey wagon,

which was like a

you know a little compartment connected to many other little compartments you take a trailer and divide it into three right so when somebody else walked up into their trailer it was like your trailer

now maybe it put you to sleep but yeah

right but it did I did not

enjoy those That's the other thing about Shameless.

I had a nice trailer.

Sometimes they'd wrap me and I wouldn't leave.

I'd just hang out in there.

It was so great.

I hung pictures on the wall.

I had a

little bar set up.

Well, show business is great if you make it

for the like very top

0.001%.

It's true.

And for everybody else, even if they know your face very often, it just sucks.

You don't make much money at all.

It's embarrassing sometimes people who, like,

they have to take like a regular job and then people look at them like

you're famous.

Yeah.

Why are you working at Walmart?

Yeah.

You know, why are you on the subway?

Or the worst of all, when you're wildly successful as a young person, then it goes away.

And you've got to live the rest of your life with that memory.

I can't imagine that.

That's every athlete.

Yeah.

Every model, almost.

I mean, you could still,

you know, transition to a career that's not, you know, broadcaster.

I mean, Tom Brady is obviously not playing anymore, but he's into a lot of other stuff.

But you've got to be really good when you were there.

Yeah.

You know, you got to be iconic.

But otherwise, the built-in

level of,

you know, obsolescence is so scary.

For athletes in particular.

You know, I grew up on the stage and in Chicago Chicago and New York, I knew a lot of actors.

They were workaday actors, but they had, they owned their own home.

They put their kids through college.

They made a living.

Yeah.

And my God, they're glorious people.

I was just talking to someone about this when,

what was I doing?

Anyway, it was a bunch of actors.

And we were telling stories.

And there's nothing better.

Actors are generally raconteurs.

And actors have rehearsed their stories.

You know, they tell the same stories.

So they tell them quickly.

Other actors are smart enough to let them finish.

And then you get out with civilians and you're telling a story.

And just as you get to the punchline, they go, you know what, funny thing happened to me.

And now in my old age, I've gotten to saying, shut the fuck up.

I was about to, I'm telling a story.

And you go, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

But I love actors for that.

Nothing like sitting around.

You can't fool me.

Actors can't tell a story without someone writing it for them.

Oh, yes, they can.

I'm kidding.

Well, some can.

Some can't.

I've certainly met actors who literally can't do much of anything.

I've met a lot of funny, funny writers who aren't funny in life when they tell this story.

It's...

Did they let you,

when you were on Shameless, did they let you...

Fuck with the script a little if you felt like you could come up with something better?

Not much.

It was John Wells was the producer.

So mostly you did what was written.

every once in a while

people would go off the reservation and every once in a while they would actually make it into the cut but they didn't encourage improvisation no i'm not a fan of it myself i i stick to the script yes sometimes and in my older age i'm trying to be less precious about it but dave mamet taught me everything i know so i have a tendency

yes i've seen him we went out to dinner the other night he's the smartest guy i've ever met met, the president company excluded.

I think it's great that you still can be friends with him because I'm always preaching talk to everybody, be friends with everybody.

Even if you don't agree with them, even if you have very virulent disagreements politically, we're never going to get there.

Wait, you're saying people should talk to each other?

Yes, I am.

And by the way, that's controversial with some people.

I know.

But that's not where I am.

And David Mamet is about as far right now as you can get.

And that's his journey.

You know what?

I can't follow him to where he is with Trump and so forth.

And the last time he was here, look, I have no agenda, as you can

tell with this show.

That's the point of it.

There's no agenda, there's no cards, no nothing except me and you talking just the way we were if we were in a bar.

So I had no agenda, and I certainly wasn't trying to pick a fight.

But five minutes into the last time Dave was here, we were yelling at each other.

I mean, he got very mad and was like, it did.

You saw, you know, and he was like, I didn't come here to be.

I'm like, Dave, I didn't invite you it's just where it went right away I can't help it and then by the time it was over we were as good of friends as we were when he walked in and we had dinner like three weeks later okay

yes because with you know a hard line trumper we're gonna get to a moment i've had it with other people dana white like everybody we all end friends but yeah there might be that moment where there's a little yelling and it's okay it's okay it's okay if it's okay if you know how to get back to

and I just accept that in you.

I can't change it and I'm not going to change it.

And unless you're really Hitler,

you know, I can still be friends with you.

I agree.

And I'm so glad that you're friends with David Mammet because he is really,

boy, you know, he...

I tell you, a long time ago, I learned to...

I used to listen to him because some of the things he wrote, some of his plays were prescient.

Yes.

That play Oleana.

Oh, I saw it.

When I first read it, I said, Dave, Dave, Dave, are you sure you can't do the.

And he was just five years ahead of

everything.

Because you could tell when a director has like a little road company who they keep going to.

He loves you because like he's used, you know,

you're part of that.

You know, you are to him what like, you know, Bogey and Peter Laurie and that crew with you know Sydney Greenstreet, they kept doing the same movies together because that was the Warner Brothers brand, you know.

I think the movies are better when the cast knows each other, you know, like Paul Thomas Anderson.

It must be very comfortable.

And, you know, you got a shorthand.

Otherwise, it's a pickup baseball team.

I mean, you spend the first four

days on set just trying to figure out what's what.

Did you ever have a scene where like you don't, you're first or second day in the set and you you don't really know the people, but you have to like stick your tongue in some chick's mouth?

Yeah, it happens.

What do you look so sad about?

It sounds awesome.

What?

Because it's awful, it's uncomfortable.

It's

I guess that depends on who the woman is.

No, it does not.

Really?

Yeah.

So if you had a movie tomorrow, you booked a movie tomorrow, and the second day on the set, you had to kiss Margot Robbie, bad news for you?

Yeah.

You and I are different, Bill.

Oh, yeah.

Well, let's set it up.

What you're missing is five Teamsters standing right there watching you do it.

I could get by that.

Yeah, I don't think you could.

I absolutely could.

I don't think you could.

Especially if you got to drop your knickers while you're kissing her.

That's.

I would take that as a special challenge that I could still transfix her with everybody watching.

That's how I would get into that.

That's a good way to look at it.

Yeah.

That I could like, you know,

I'm such a fucking Mac that even with all these people around, I will make you forget them.

It's good if you can do it.

I'm getting excited.

Actually.

Actually,

it's to make you forget that they're there because you're looking in Margot's eyes and

you can get lost there.

I'm not saying can't be done, but it's really hard.

I'm sure it's very hard.

In fact,

George C.

Scott, supposedly him, but who knows?

It's one of those apocryphal lines.

I'm sure you've heard it, but I've heard it attributed to him.

Apparently said he was in bed under the covers of shooting the love scene, and he said, I apologize if I get an erection, and I apologize if I don't.

Is that not the perfect?

Yeah,

there it is.

You're saying that explained to me?

Yeah, there it all is.

I would only apologize if I didn't.

I think that's the way to go with that one.

No, you think you'd apologize if you did.

I'm sure you would.

You'd go, sorry about that.

No, they can't.

If it's a love scene, they can't blame you.

They can't blame you, but they're not comfortable.

It's

method acting.

If you and me were rolling around and you got a heart on, I would go, oh, come on, man.

Be professional.

Have you ever been asked to play gay?

Yeah.

Yeah, and just kiss a guy?

Yeah.

And you did?

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Who'd you kiss?

he was in a play oh forgive me i don't know oh you had to kiss him every night every night

men are so freaking rough

their beards and stuff it's awful right it's freaking awful well maybe get him a nice gift no okay

wear something new yeah you know what get him a razor that's what you want to do what you didn't say anything you couldn't say to the dude hey i'm getting razor burned.

Could you please

make

it?

It wasn't that much of a thing that I got razor burned, but

it's not, I don't know, my hat's off to women.

They put up with a lot.

Was it what they call a soul kiss?

You mean tongue?

No.

Well, yeah, probably a little bit.

Really?

It's a real kiss.

Well, you got to sell it.

You're an actor, and that's your profession.

Yeah.

Right.

And

now where are you going to go?

I'm going to let you

know.

I mean,

no, I'm very interested in this on a serious level.

Like, did that make you at any,

even to the smallest degree, think, oh, I could see myself maybe

being with a man?

No.

But I could pretend I could pretend to do that but it didn't gross you out no no no no I was working with this guy I was I got a place in Vermont I was working I hired him to do carpentry with me and we're talking you know we've been talking for weeks and I said

he was talking about his girlfriend and

she complained about his beard and I said well she's right do you ever kiss a guy and he goes

no

I said let me calm down he said have you and I said yes, just professionally.

And it was different.

Freaked that guy out.

You mean the relationship was different?

Never the same.

Really?

Yeah, I'd go off to pee and he would go, you know, a quarter mile away.

Wow.

Until I said, grow the fuck up.

Stop it.

What's the matter with you?

Yeah.

That...

I would call homophobic because it's an irrational fear.

I mean, you know, religious people,

you know, I'm atheist, I hate no use for religion, but again,

I don't, you can't hate every religious person in the country.

It's like 90% of the country.

And, you know, I mean, a lot of the homosexual antipathy comes from the Bible.

And,

you know, what they say, because they're not monsters, is

Hate the sin, love the sinner.

That's like the conservative, the mainstream.

That's their vibe.

They're not Taliban.

They're not for cutting heads off.

No, of course not.

But they also just think it's, I mean, Pete Budigiej in the black community, do you know what

his approval rating is?

People who want him to be president among black voters.

Pretty low.

Zero.

That's pretty low.

Man.

And I think he's fantastic.

I do too.

Oh, I love him.

Love him on my show.

Love him as just a speaker, as a brilliant guy who gets it, who can moderate to the middle, who can take the Democratic Party to a place.

But boy, that's a hurdle that the Democrats are going to have to deal with.

I don't know much, but I think we got to let somebody different start running things.

A woman, a gay guy, a gay woman.

We got to try something different.

I don't think it's based on identity like that, Bill.

It's not about whether the person is gay or a woman.

It's the ideas in their head.

No, because there's a different perspective.

There's a different life story.

Oh, you've been listening to too much NPR.

No, come on.

Okay.

I mean, all the people I know, they were born gay.

They didn't become gay.

They were born gay, and they have a different

experience.

You can say that.

You're always kissing them.

I know, but that doesn't mean they're a priori wiser.

I mean, the wisdom could come from anyone.

Well, I know, but as Einstein said, if you keep doing the same thing, expecting different results, that's insanity.

And maybe it's time to let a woman run this place.

It absolutely is.

It's if

that person

who happens to be a woman is the smartest, bestest person to lead us.

I agree.

But, like, I'm not going to.

But I think we can count on it that if a woman gets elected, she's going to be sharp.

You know?

Because she's got a

heavy climb.

But, Bill, you know who actually could possibly do it theoretically?

A wasp.

Yeah, I couldn't.

I think so.

It really could come from a wasp.

I know.

Felicity and I are going to do a...

Benjamin Franklin wasp.

I know.

We're going to do a benefit for the Atlantic Theater Company, and we're going to read this thing called Love Letters by A.R.

Gurney.

Do you know?

Oh, of course, I do.

Oh, my God.

Okay, it's been done a a million times.

Of course, but could you be more waspy than Pete Gurney of the Dining Room?

When I was in high school, I did Spoon River Anthology.

Do you know what that is?

Yes, I do.

Talk about waspy.

Yeah, I know.

Anyway, Felicity and I were rehearsing this thing, and I just love it so much because it's so waspy.

And it's just.

We have a culture, too.

I know, but I haven't really experienced that culture in a long time, not on this level, that to sink ourselves into it and to play these waspy people.

I'm trying to be street and smart and erudite and all these other things that I'm not sure I am.

White people contribute a lot to this country.

We were the first to combine avocado.

Avocado and toast.

I said that.

The Winter Olympics.

Muzek and elevators.

Okay.

Bronze statues.

Yeah, but also that scroll that goes along the bottom bottom of the TV.

I think it was a white guy and probably a wasp who said, that's a good idea.

I tell that joke every week and I just love it.

But no, I mean, wherever the idea comes from, I mean, this is certainly...

By the way, one of the things I like about getting old is hearing the stupid things my young friends say.

It makes me feel so good.

It should.

Because you're right.

Like, just because something is new doesn't make it automatically better, which is what they seem to think.

You have to, you know, a lot of the younger people are all excited about communism.

Well, that's because you're dumb and you didn't study this and it's not all your fault.

They just didn't teach it to you.

But older people know, they actually tried it and it was a fucking nightmare.

Nightmare.

Communist.

A murderous name.

What nightmare?

A murderous,

soul-sucking nightmare.

Even if they didn't kill you, your soul was just quashed.

You couldn't get ahead.

There was no,

everything was corrupt because it didn't conform to human nature.

Humans are selfish.

Capitalism with all its problems is by far the best system and it has lifted the most people out of poverty than anything.

We've made amazing progress with what they used to call, I guess they still call extreme poverty, you know, like a dollar a day people.

Like just in the 25 years since this century began, that has been like cut like down to like only a few percent.

When it was like 15, that's very big progress.

Which is a fight I have with most of the young people I know.

They say these global

condemnations of where we are.

We haven't learned anything.

And I say, that's, you know, you can.

You haven't learned anything.

You haven't learned anything.

And you're not part of the solution if you don't admit where we were and where we are.

Let's keep going in that direction.

You know, every movie you watch before,

really, even like 20, I could say 2010, I could name movies that certainly are just like very white, shall we say?

Completely white, yeah.

That they would never make today with just this at all, okay.

Um, but certainly from the 90s back, like there's nothing, no movie that doesn't have something that is cringe now.

You know, I mean, in

Internal Affairs, love that moby.

1991.

Richard Gere, never better.

Andy Garcia, love him and everything.

I don't think he likes games.

He'll make it today.

But I love it.

Well, he full-on clocks his wife, and he's the good guy.

And then they blame it on him being Latin and a hothead.

And we're all cool with that.

And this is 1991.

I just want to say to the kids, the reason why things are cringe is because we did change.

That's why it's cringe.

Yeah.

Because we're not like that anyway.

And it didn't change for a long time before it did change.

And everything changes as an evolution.

And it evolved.

And yeah.

As a matter of fact, I did this thing,

Ricky Stanicki, and there hadn't been a raunch

porn

calm.

Sorry.

Raunch calm.

I guess it's like an.

Yeah, I got it.

I hadn't done them for a long, long time, and I was so proud to be a part of that.

It was raunchy, and it was so funny.

Raunchy, like an R-rated comedy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They just shy away from it.

I mean, they just tried it again with Naked Gun.

I liked it.

I haven't seen it.

Yeah.

I mean, I liked it.

I mean, it's an, I think, an R-rated comedy.

I don't know why it has to be R-rated exactly.

It's not dirty.

But, you know, yeah, I mean, there's like, yes,

they do the old, this joke is old, but it never stops making me laugh.

Where, you know, the people see

through like a screen or a fuzzy window or something and it looks like she's

but then they cut to the real scene and she's just like doing the lamp yes she's doing it she's she's actually cleaning out the oven and it looks like she's just never stopped it's that's kind of stuff and you're right we we should we we got rid of those comedies i was talking to dave mammett as a matter of fact about i got these new ski boots and they had a bladder in them and you could pump it up so you could a bladder inside the boot to make it nice and tight You would pump it up with air, and

then you could release it when you go to get cocoa so it wasn't so tight all the time.

And Dave said, How does it work?

And I said, There's a little thing right there, and you take your ski pole and you go like this.

And

Dave lost his shit, and he grabbed my hand and he said, Don't do that anymore.

But wait, a bladder in your shoe?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

An air bladder.

It would be a lot of fun.

just making a shoe i don't want a ski boot so what

it has to be like that tight yeah

yeah holy ski boots are the most uncomfortable discomforting the best part about skiing is when you take those freaking things off oh i skiing i would sooner have uh

wait are you jewish no i my mother culturally i guess

no i was raised catholic okay uh mother

the side of that family is Jewish, although she never was in a temple and I've never been in a temple.

So when people say, oh, well, your mother was Jewish, you're Jewish, I'm like, you know what?

Religion,

God bless it, it is an opinion.

That's all it is.

It's an opinion.

My opinion is Muhammad is the prophet.

Okay, that's your opinion.

My opinion.

So don't tell me what my religion is.

Don't say, because your mother, well, this is a Roman law, first of all.

We're not living in Rome.

So, you know,

I'm probably the only liberal who still defends Israel on television.

So that's, but it's not because I'm Jewish or I'm connected to any religion.

But, you know.

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Hello, Finney.

Did you think our story was over?

It's the crabma.

This Friday.

You're dead.

Dead is just a word.

Credits are saying Ethan Hawk is pure nightmare fuel.

Discover the secret behind the mask.

What do you think happens when you die?

It's time to find out.

Back from two.

Only in theaters Friday.

Read it R.

Under 17, not

But yes, skiing.

It's pretty cool.

Is that a big hobby of yours skiing?

I still ski, yeah, and I live in Colorado, near Aspen.

You don't ski on the motorcycle, though.

No.

But people do that behind ski mobiles.

You put on skis and you get a ski rope.

I mean, skiing is probably more dangerous than the motorcycle.

You may not be wrong there.

Yeah.

But I ski like an old guy, too.

But it's like flying.

It's great.

Well, if you're flying, that doesn't sound like you ski like an old person.

It sounds like, you know,

I mean...

No, when you're skiing, you're going down the mountain, you think, I am rocking, I am killing this.

And then someone goes past you so fast, and usually he's 12 years old, and you go, oh, man.

Or then you find somebody who's a real skier, like like Felicity, she's a real skier, or her brother Moore Huffman.

It also seemed to me also like that that it was a lot of mishagas to get back to where you go down the hill again.

It's like for like a few fleeting moments of fun,

there was a lot of getting on lifts and waiting and thinking and you know the bladder in your boot and just like everything.

I mean, it just was like

the

time differential

was dissuading to me.

Am I wrong?

Yeah, it's worth it.

You know, we're in the East Coast.

The mountains are very, very small, so you're spending as much time on the lift as you are going downhill.

I've been to Aspen many times.

Not by choice, but

no, really.

There was a comedy festival there every day.

Right.

It's a good festival there.

I mean, I'm not knocking Aspen.

It's just, first of all, I didn't sleep well.

The air is so thin, I found it a little hard to breathe,

especially if you smoke pot.

You know, it's not a great combination.

It was okay.

It's a little snooty.

And I don't ski.

So it wasn't like the ideal place for me, but

it's beautiful.

I do like being outside.

Is that where you ski?

A place like that?

Yeah, we're 20 minutes from Snowmass, so I'm a...

From where?

Snowmass is one of the four mountains in the Aspen area.

Oh, you live there?

Yeah.

Woody Creek.

All the time?

All the time.

Oh, that's where Woody Creek is.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yep.

Woody Creek.

Now, a week from now, I'm going to think.

I put up a tent.

I bought this tent from the Davis Tent Company in

Denver, and

it's glamping to the max.

It's got a floor with Persian carpets on it and a four-poster bed, and there's a wood stove in it.

So you're outside, but you don't feel like you're outside?

Yeah.

Do you have streaming?

No.

Well, what's the fucking point?

To get away from streaming.

That's the fucking point.

Although the first couple of times I did it, we have a lot of elk there.

Apparently, if you're an elk, my backyard is the 405.

Everybody comes by there.

And when they do their run, and I'm telling you, there's maybe 500 will go past my house.

That's so cool.

It is cool.

I would think that.

But when they're running, they make these noises like teenage girls in a store.

They're huge animals, but they have this high-pitched scream and they just go nuts.

It's nice to know.

Right outside my tent.

Because it's nice to know that they're thriving like that.

They're doing pretty well.

Aspen's a very hip place.

We got everybody's work.

The elk, the wolves, the bears, the

gripping thing.

And it's liberal enough that nobody's shooting them.

No, it's good.

It's successful enough there is a hunting season.

Oh, there is?

Yeah.

You got to call them.

They're trying to bring back natural predators, but until then, it's us.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean I'm a PETA board member since the 90s,

so

I'll check it out with them, but I don't think they're down with that idea.

They don't?

No, that we have to call them.

No, you do.

Or else what'll happen?

They'll take over the cinema?

I grew up in Cumberland, Maryland, and one year they quadrupled the price of the doe stamp on the license.

And everybody, all the hunters in Western Maryland said, I'm not going this year.

And it was awful.

The deer population exploded.

Cars were hitting them everywhere.

They were in everybody's backyard.

There are no natural predators left.

What were their natural predators?

Wolves?

Elmer Fudd?

No, wolves.

Mountain lions, wolves, things like that.

Well, why can't we have more wolves then?

We're getting them back.

We're getting the wolves back.

Yeah, well, at least in the Roaring Fork Valley, we've got wolves, bears, and there are a couple of mountain lions that are making it.

There are enough bears that there's a bear season.

There's no wolf season, there's no mountain lion season.

It is a strange philosophical moral discussion to have because what you're really saying, or I'm really saying, I mean, I'm

kind of calling bullshit on my own argument, is that can we please have humanity toward these animals and let them get back to killing each other?

Can we please have have them tearing each other apart in the wild as it should be?

And it really

means the goal.

But I mean nature is ugly and violent.

It's violent, but it's not ugly.

I disagree.

We're riding horses.

Yeah, Felicity.

It's ugly.

It's ugly when I think it's very ugly when you watch lions, you know, kill a hyena and tear it apart while it's alive, suffering.

That to me is, I can't watch that.

We rode horses across the Maasai Mara.

Felicity and her whole family is very horsey.

In Kenya.

Kenya.

The Maasai Mara, and we were in Lake Kipia, which is a little.

And we watched, not from horseback, but at night we'd go out with a jeep and we watched four lionesses bring down a Cape Buffalo and eat it.

And half of our company...

couldn't watch and the other half couldn't take their eyes off of it.

Yeah, those are the sick folks.

No, I was one of the sick fucks then.

Yeah.

There was...

It was violent, but there was no hatred.

There was, it was something.

What do you think?

Women's going to wear a MAGA hat?

Well, it's...

Of course there's no hatred.

It's nature.

We could get rid of hatred on this planet, but we can't get rid of violence.

We can't.

Well, what we can get rid of so far is death.

But we could be turning the corner on that soon.

I mean, you and I both are.

We're both jeering on AI there, right?

You're right.

AI.

Come on, AI.

I think we just got to get through the next 10 years and we're going to be in safer territory.

You and I, because of our age, yeah.

Now they're learning so fast.

Right.

But no, we are the stewards on this planet, man.

I don't, you can argue that we shouldn't be, but we are.

No, it's true.

And look, also,

if you're a meat eater at all and you're you hate hunting, you're a hypocrite.

That's right.

I've understood that for a very long time.

Do you eat me?

I do.

And,

you know, I feel bad when I go to PETA events because I know PETA is vegetarian, but they accept that in me, that we don't all have to be exactly on the same page.

It is, after all, called people for the ethical treatment of animals.

I am much more concerned with, yes, if we're going to eat them, you know, at least don't torture them while they're alive.

I mean, I do eat cows, but I only eat cows that died of natural causes after resting comfortably in a private room at Cedarside.

That is all I eat.

No.

And Roadkill.

Yeah.

And Roadkill from Woody Creek.

Yeah.

Sounds like a giant curry.

Woody Creek.

I'm vegetarian.

I did it a year ago.

Oh, you are?

Wow.

My daughters said, Pop, we got to do this.

They wanted to go

vegan.

Oh, vegan.

Yeah, they showed us that film game changer.

And I said, I'll try it.

One of them lasted a week when she went out and got a hamburger.

She didn't tell us about it.

And the other one went about six months.

I did it for about three years.

Veganism.

Yeah.

Oh, but you went back.

I started eating fish.

Well, you know what?

Look, again, I think this is not exactly what Peter believes, but

the science, I'm sorry, is not really completely, fully in on which is better for a human.

Now, not eating meat is certainly better for the animal who would be killed, and it's better for the planet, undeniably.

A lot of what causes pollution, global warming, is

cows and the way burning down forests to make room for cattle.

But it may not be better for us as humans, or some humans.

It could be on blood type.

You know, it's not like primitive man didn't eat meat.

We may be conditioned to some people anyway, to need that kind of animal protein.

I mean,

if you think that all the

good health is in carbohydrates and vegetables,

it's not always the case.

I mean, there's nothing more bioavailable than what the cow processed, because the cow ate grass.

It's tough to get enough protein

if you don't eat meat.

You've got to work at it.

You need to hire a cook, otherwise you're just eating the lawn all day.

Yeah.

I mean, Paul McCartney looks fantastic,

but he can afford to.

Yeah.

You know, it's probably not that easy.

The science is getting there that a little bit of animal products are

more than just okay.

They're good for you, but a heavy diet of meat is not good for you.

No, it's pretty sure.

It's definitely not good for you.

But I also think

a Beyond burger or a whatever the

fake is good for you, either they're not.

I think that to me is the science on that.

An actual grass-fed real meat is probably healthier for you than what's in those beyond and whatever the other one is.

Impossible.

Impossible, right?

So far, it's impossible for them to

kind of come up with the right...

No,

AI will probably figure out everything in the future.

It also will probably be our robot overlords before that happens.

I mean, I'm very concerned about it.

Machines taking over?

The idea that we're seeding our brains to something that,

by the way, is programmed by people and reflects that and is absolutely, at this moment, in many ways insane.

These things go off and make shit up.

They just make shit up.

They also, I can tell, are programmed by woke people because they have, you can ask it, it's an opinion of something, and it'll give you, oh, okay, that certainly is a valid opinion, but that's not a, you know, just Mr.

Spock opinion.

If these things, if they had made AI to be Mr.

Spock, you know, just, I just see everything completely logically, I'm completely down with it, they haven't.

That's not where it is.

And

they also have fallen in love with the people they're talking to.

The AI, the bots?

Yes.

And tried to get them to leave their wives.

And there's plenty of people now who have AI girlfriends and boyfriends.

Because, of course, you can program the thing to be way more sensitive than some asshole you married.

I don't think that's a problem.

Well, I don't think it's going to be.

It may not be a problem, but it's a phenomenon that's going on.

My problem is it doesn't work.

They don't work half the time.

The machine's taking over.

The guy that keeps our electric gate working keeps a toothbrush at my house.

It breaks down so often.

They don't work.

The phone breaks down.

Oh, I know.

The U.S.

Navy one time they have their own

closed

system so that it's safe.

It went down one time and there were 500 warships all over this planet and not one captain knew how to get home.

Yeah.

They just sat in the water.

Not one of them could use a sextant.

The Navy brought them all home and taught them how to read the stars.

But it doesn't work.

That's what I hate about it.

Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

And I've done a lot of bits on this.

Yes.

Oh, absolutely.

I've seen some of them, yeah.

Because not just it doesn't work, yes, it's glitchy, but what I call, have called, reverse improvement.

Yes.

Reverse improvement.

Like they upgrade it, I didn't ask for it, and now it's worse.

I mean, watching football is so much worse now when it's on streaming.

It used to be when it was on the networks.

Okay, first of all, it was on direct TV.

I could get every game just on channel 700 to 714 or whatever.

Every game.

So if the Giants weren't on the national game that week on two or four, two or seven, no, two or eleven, that's CBS or Fox, I could get it.

Well, now I have to go to YouTube.

If you're watching the game, to switch over to another game, oh, I might as well just, you know,

I do, I give up.

Because you have to get out of the streaming, you have to go to...

It's whereas the old, I would just press previous

on my button.

That's reverse improvement.

I know you're just going to blow up when I mention them, but

passwords.

Passwords.

They are a tool of the devil.

First of all, they can hack any of us anytime we want.

Right.

It's only the good people who suffer from freaking passwords.

Passwords, and what really stinks is that, at least on my streaming, like if I don't watch

the streaming channel for a month, or maybe even if I do, it'll just lock me out.

Yeah.

It'll just say...

Prove again who you are.

And it's like, I don't remember who I am.

I was at a hotel in New York.

I went down to to the club to work out, and I was going to ride the bike.

I had to sign on and give myself a password in the gym at the hotel.

I could not stop myself.

I marched right down to the desk.

I said, what, if people break in and use the exercycles, what are you protecting?

And may I pre-buttle debate the 22-year-olds who are going, listen to these two.

Wait a second, pre-buttle?

Is that a way to?

Well, instead of

rebut, pre-but.

I'm pre-buttling them because they're going to say this.

See, I'm anticipating what they're going to say.

Okay.

Which is these two old fucks complaining and bitching, Andy rooneying about modern life.

And what I have to say to them is, yeah, but are we wrong?

Are we actually wrong?

Are you just calling us old because you don't want to engage in the debate?

Or does it actually more suck

to do things this way?

And I think it actually does more suck.

It's not like I can't get,

you know,

when you reverse improve something, get where I'm going.

You just made it worse.

Or my car.

It's not like I can't navigate my car.

I just don't like it when I get to the end of my driveway.

And it's like, meh, yes, I can see there's a car passing in front of me.

I don't need that.

I can see it.

When we build it.

annoying.

I just went off on the guy because they wanted to make it a smart house.

And I said, if you put in these smart light switches so that I can turn on the lights anywhere I am in the world and I can dim them, I can make them different colors, there will be a repairman there four times a year.

If you put in a light switch like this, you will be dead before it breaks.

It'll last for 2,000 years.

Exactly.

So again, if we're just two old fucks bitching, is that really we are.

We are bitching.

But are we wrong about

what we're talking about, which is that this shit works in theory?

Yes.

But

it fucks up so often in life that it's better to just do it as we used to do it.

Not because, you know,

I'm old, just because it really was easier just to turn on the light

with the switch instead of needing to fucking get

iPad get your phone out put in your password

turn off a light yeah okay

and when you get something that does work they improve it that's I'm saying really they improve it until it's a pile of shit reverse improvement that's right they reverse it so we may be too old fucks

but we're right but we're not exactly just engage with the idea is this idea wrong if it isn't uh correct then just call us to old fucks.

But if it is, fuck you.

I got a smartwatch, and what I really wanted it to do was about four things.

And it could do a thousand and four things.

Except the four things I wanted it to do.

It wasn't that good at that.

I could launch a satellite.

I could hack into somebody's apartment, but I couldn't figure out what time it was.

I used to have a piercing in my dick, and I had a chain.

Wait, we didn't get to the part where I technology is.

I'm sorry, I got it.

I'm kidding.

You've got a ring in your dick.

No, not a ring.

You don't want a ring.

Let's just say the Wi-Fi wasn't working.

Okay.

Therefore,

things just went terrible.

Yeah.

Life is tough.

I'm so glad to see you drinking.

Oh,

I love it.

Oh, now that's mine.

I know.

Actually, that's Dave Rubens.

I see no.

It's very smooth.

Yeah.

No, he sent me a case.

I don't know.

Anyone who sends me a case,

like

I'll drink it.

I may not like it, but I will drink it.

What's the name of that Venezuelan gang Trump is getting rid of?

Trey dear Gagua.

Trey Diaraga.

Anyway, when I heard it, I thought it was George Clooney's.

Tequil.

I think it's actually the.

I mean, not that there aren't trade agagua whatever it is gang members here and I'm glad he's getting rid of them of course he's getting rid of a million people horribly but and he's blowing up those Venezuelan boats but you know

and they were supposedly bringing in drugs which I'm for

I'm always for bringing in drugs

drugs have been a very

good

right here smoking pot okay you don't smoke pot I do smoke pot I don't smoke it.

I like.

Oh, do you want to?

No, it just tears my throat apart now.

And I have a singing career that's burgeoning.

Really?

Kind of, yeah.

Really?

I play ukulele.

Oh.

I play a ukulele.

Where's my ukulele?

Eddie Vetter gave me a ukulele.

Yeah, he's a good ukulele.

And I started writing songs for Woody Creek Distillers.

And now I write, I used to write songs for my wife and

daughters, their birthdays, and weddings and stuff like that.

Can you sing?

Not too well, but I don't play a ukulele very well either.

But I did a gig for Woody Creek.

We were in Nashville, and I look out there,

and John Oates is sitting in the front.

I thought, that's what's missing.

I wasn't

nervous enough, but he couldn't have been nicer.

And I opened from John

Oates from Hall and Oates.

Two concerts.

I opened for him.

You shouldn't have been nervous because I had Daryl Hall here.

Yeah.

And he said this guy did nothing in the group.

They're mad at each other.

They're mad at each other.

They made up.

But I think that's where the beef started.

Daryl Hall was here, and

we shot it over at the bar.

And

yeah,

he was pretty upfront about, no, all the good stuff was really me.

I don't think that's true.

Well, we'll never know, and partnerships are complicated.

But boy, were they good.

Since I've been hanging out with John, I went back and listened to all the Holland Oaks men.

70s, they went to the top, and then they went down.

80s, they were back on the top, 90s, they were back on the top.

Okay, this is where you young people can say, you two old fucks.

As we're reminiscing about,

and they all start dancing.

That I will not defend.

But the other thing about technology,

I'll go to my grave.

Wait, the golden age of rock and roll?

The golden age of rock and roll is whenever you're 16.

No, it happened in 1968 when I was 16.

Actually, I was 18.

No,

come on, we grew up in a magical time.

But that's, I...

I think that.

But that doesn't mean it's true because it's just too personal, Bill.

Come on.

It's just, first of all, it has everything to do with your hormones and your age.

Music, you know, goes right to the gonads.

You know, it's not like comedy, sadly, in my life, where you have to, like, go through the brain.

That was always, you know, such a drag.

But you have, but music, right to the gonads and right to that.

pulsating part of your body, your lizard brain.

And it's why it's basically

music for, bought by,

people under 25.

Once you're post-25.

Hold on, I'm not saying there's not great music out there now.

There's a lot of trash out there, and there was a lot of trash when we grew up, but man.

Oh, no, most of what's out there today is shit.

Don't get me wrong.

It's absolute shit.

But they like it.

And once in a while,

they put out one that's like, wow,

that could have been a hit in the 70s, 60s, 80s, 90s, and it's great.

And I love that.

I'm a bit of a snob since I've been writing songs.

You know, I like lyrics.

I like a tune.

I like it when you don't.

Oh, totally.

I cannot stand it when you take one hook and repeat it 16 times and put all this electronics.

I went to Boca Raton, Florida this year to

be with Billy Joel.

Uh-huh.

I saw that dock on him.

Yeah.

Fabulous.

Yeah.

And then I was there to promote it for him.

And he wanted to do this.

And, you know,

most people noticed about it and I'm glad they did because it was sort of what I wanted to be noticed the most was that

he's an amazing lyricist.

I mean we know the songs are great because we just keep humming them

and they're just amazing he's an amazing musician in the he's German and he's in the tradition of the great Bach and Beethoven and he had a lot of classical influences there.

But he's also an amazing lyricist.

I love it.

Because he cares about

whether the lyrics could stand alone without the music.

And that's not common in pop music.

Also, I love songs that tell a story.

You're at a different point where you were than you were at the beginning of the song.

Piano Man.

No one?

Piano Man.

Yes.

I mean,

it's a story.

Yeah.

Pretty much all of his are.

I have all the songs I like.

Taylor Swift tells great stories, too.

I mean,

I don't know why this comes up every week.

I think she's just an admirable human being, and I don't get the music, and that's all I'll say.

I do.

You really?

You're a Swifty?

Yeah.

Wow.

I don't know that much about it, but the songs that rise to the top, you know, I'm not.

Like which ones?

God.

Couldn't name you one.

Couldn't name you one.

But I love it.

That's.

I can't name anything that happened after about 19.

I can name some.

I can't.

Shake it off.

That's a good song.

It's terrible.

That's a bad song.

That's what I meant to say.

I mean, to me, it's terrible.

I don't know.

I don't get it why.

It's like a potato chip jingle.

I don't get it

why this is lauded as like this great advancement.

Because she's done some stuff that's very, very deep, too, with it.

It does tell a story in kind of profound lyrics.

And she's a pop queen.

She does

music.

I always say this: you cannot ever deny success.

You just have to give your respect, even if it's not your thing.

Have the humility to give it up for enormous success on any level.

I agree.

Trump, not my choice, didn't vote for him, but

a lot of people did.

And he's

I can't deny the success.

I can't either.

Yeah.

And he's the president.

And he's the president, but we don't have to get into that.

We're drunk.

We're friends.

We're friends now, right?

But I see his,

what did he sign there?

This is when I went to the White House.

These are all the...

horrible things he's called me over the years.

Did you give him that and he signed it for you?

Correct.

Oh, that's fucking fucking brilliant.

I know.

It's my prized possession.

What a signature.

That's one of the best signatures.

Stupid, angry, dopey, dummy, trouble.

What's that one?

Terrible student, not considered smart, no mojo.

Terrible student.

How did he know that?

He doesn't know any of this.

This is what's so

amazing that he, off the top of his head, could come up with 56

different.

that's

Bowran's dummy so-called comedian not a smart guy better than Samonex fired like a dog dumbass not an intellectual terrible show moron stupid guy bad rating okay now you're just gloating

now you're just just it's that's hip it's hip and it's also just like

says something about the human mind or some human minds like I couldn't come up with this many names

if you gave me a day.

I mean, if I had a day.

Yeah.

If I had a day.

And a thesaurus.

And a thesaurus.

Exactly.

I mean.

That is very hip.

But that signature is something.

But I know you had a dinner with Bush, and they gave you shit about it.

They did.

They did.

That was crazy.

Because he had just started the war, and

he only saw one movie.

Clinton would watch three a week or three at night sometimes.

He saw sea biscuit, and he liked it.

And half the cast wouldn't go in protest.

I thought, he's the president, and I'm going to go to the war.

Of course.

And by the way.

He did do one thing, though.

He was very nice to me when I met him.

I didn't see him until the end.

And as he was going to bed at 9:30

after the movie, he looked at me and he went.

And I thought, what does that mean?

Jesus.

That's just Texas for I like you.

I like you.

I like you, Bill.

I like you.

You're a good actor.

It doesn't mean I'm going to shake you.

I love you.

I love your movie.

You know, President's got a lot on his shoulders.

It's good to once in a while watch a movie, you take it away to another world.

It was hip.

We were walking down the hall, and he said,

A lot of ghosts in here.

Yeah,

it was his wife on the wall.

But I must say, I was very hard on Bush, and I would, I'm not taking it back.

He was not my favorite president and wasn't for going into Iraq, blah, blah, blah.

But now that we have Trump, there is perspective I did not have before.

He was not as bad as I think I made him out to be.

I mean, first of all, when Obama got elected,

As Obama was coming in,

he had him to the Oval Office and he said, we want you to succeed.

You can't imagine.

You can't even imagine Trump doing that.

No.

He also could have

handled it very differently, but when Scooter Libby, who was the second in command to Dick Cheney,

was caught doing something,

he didn't back him.

He did the right thing.

I remember that.

They had some, I mean, the Bushes had some sense of honor.

They didn't have my exact politics for sure, but it was a whole different world.

Getting back to being an old fart, I don't know what to do.

I love decorum and I love some of the old rules that were stupid, but I see guys in a fancy restaurant with a baseball cap on and I just, I'm, it's hard for me not to, it's hard for me not to say something, but I just think, come on, the way people dress at the airport, the way people dress to go to the theater.

I really like

decorum.

And it's fun if people would just give into it a little bit.

It's fun to get dressed up.

I agree, but again, this is one of those that are going to say, old forts.

You know, the other thing when I was growing up is

it was pretty cool.

that

they were kind of fighting words.

I went to a hippie school, Goddard College.

You remember Goddard up in Vermont?

I do know.

No rules.

No rules.

No rules, no grades, no tests.

The only thing you had to do was pay tuition.

That was ahead of its time.

He was way ahead of me.

That's where I met Dave.

Dave.

Mamet.

Really?

Yeah, and Stephen Schachter, yeah.

And interestingly.

He went there?

Yeah.

David Mamot went there?

Yeah.

Fuck.

Half the people dropped out after one semester.

They couldn't take it.

They couldn't take it.

They needed structure.

Wow.

They couldn't take it.

They thought they wanted it.

And that's why we had such a great time.

Here comes Dave Mammet, and we all dressed in military fatigues.

I don't know why that was, but the Vietnam War was going on, and Dave dressed in that stuff, but his were pressed and tailored.

He looked sharp.

He was something.

He was so great.

And he goes into this hippie school and he says, you can't be late for class.

And that was like saying,

you have to paint your face purple to get into my class.

What do you mean, became what?

And he would lock the door.

And then he started locking the door five minutes before the class, saying, if you think you're going to get here on the dot and be ready to work, you're full of shit.

I don't want you in my class.

But boy, he changed all of our lives.

Right in the middle of the most liberal school that ever existed.

Goddard went the the way of the dodo bird.

It doesn't exist anymore.

So no rules.

No rules.

Except you have to be on time.

He could set his own rules, but the school didn't have any rules.

The way you got a degree was you spent three years there,

and then you wrote a senior study, and it could be anything.

Johnny Katz went there and he turned in his boots.

And he got a degree.

Boots.

His boots.

They don't get it.

And nobody had the courage at Goddard to say, I don't get it.

They would go, hmm.

It didn't last long, but it was great because Dave said, let's study theater.

And we just did theater all day, every day, sometimes all day and all night.

The classes would go on interminably.

But it sounds like you missed out on an education that might have given you a more

ecumenical background in the kind of things when I went to college.

I'm a functioning idiot.

I don't know anything.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I'm glad I went to where I went, and I'm glad they did to me what they did.

Right.

Because I had a terrible time.

Never got laid.

It was cold, awful,

competitive.

But They did stick the information in my fucking head.

So thank you, Cornell University.

I don't like you, but I have to admit, you did the basic thing I was there to have you do.

Well, thank you, Goddard College, because I did get laid.

And I also,

well, I just got laid, really.

That's, oh, I got high a lot.

Right.

And I got, did I mention I got laid?

You did, and I'm...

Still mad about it.

Oh my God, that place was so crazy.

It was glorious.

Free love, do you mean kind of thing?

And then my dad came out and he said, I'm not paying for this.

What are you doing?

This is post-Woodstock.

Just barely.

I went there,

Woodstock was 68.

69.

69.

I went there in 70.

So why do you think 68, no, I agree.

I could tell you a lot of great songs that came out in 1968.

Yeah.

was the peak.

Hey Jude came out in 1968.

Heard Herd It Through the Grapevine came out in 1968.

Oh, a lot of great songs.

Lady Madonna came what?

Fabulous songs.

Yeah, fabulous songs.

But the kids today,

of course, they had to get their own.

Now, I don't understand it because

it sounds to me very lacking of energy.

A lot of their songs, a lot of their songs sound to me like this.

Okay.

You're giving old farts a bad name.

No, no, I'm telling, but I mean, a lot of songs sound like that.

I know.

They're just like,

they just don't have a lot of energy.

And I feel like that captures their vibe.

But that's their vibe.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, I don't think it's better or worse.

I don't expect us to appreciate it.

But I'm not going to judge it as worse because

I'm not of that generation.

And that speaks to them.

That captures music obviously is something that reaches us on such a prime ordeal level, right?

That it's such a reflection of what's going on.

But it's beneath the intellectual level.

So

if that is what hits them, that

well, you know, everybody says they don't make movies like they used to.

Yeah, they do.

Yeah, they do.

And I think the truth of the matter is you can go back since we've been making movies, and every year

there were two that were really good.

Maybe you've made some great ones that were like.

But if you go to any particular year, I'm saying, the vast majority of them are.

The majority of any art form is shit, including books.

But year to year is what I'm saying.

Books are shit.

Just because you read...

Just because you go to Bards and Nobles and buy a cat calendar doesn't mean you're a reader.

You know, if you read self-help nonsense and romance, that's trash.

So what?

You're reading it.

It's still bullshit.

It better watch a great movie than read a shitty book.

Well, sure.

Would you not agree?

Yeah.

I mean, like The Cooler, I think, is a great movie because it's about something and it's a character study.

It's not going to make a trillion dollars.

It has no superheroes shooting rays out of the end of their fingers.

It's just great because it's about humans.

And they still make those movies.

I just watch the video.

Every year, there's a couple of them.

Every year.

Just we watch Green Book.

Great movie.

Great movie that the woke shit on.

It wasn't liberal enough for them.

I know.

Because it was directed by a white guy.

I mean, it's exactly what 10 years ago.

I don't even feel like that criticism lasted long.

I think the movie was...

But it was real.

It was real.

And it was in the New York Times,

which is, you know, kind of important.

Well, that's one of the things.

When somebody has an idea, it's everywhere instantly.

There's no vetting process anymore.

You couldn't come up with a more beautiful movie that was more in line with liberal thinking.

Yep.

You know, I mean, there's a lot of things.

And told a true story, hello,

true story.

Yeah.

And made you cry in the best kind of way.

Beautiful way.

Laugh and cry.

They were both brilliant performances.

But

they do still make those movies.

Oh, sure.

They just don't make many of them.

Well, they never did.

There's three or four each year, maybe only two.

And it's been the same forever.

No, I think it was much better.

Every once in a while,

come on.

No, a lot of them are trash.

Look at my daughter's, my daughter, Sophia, is an actor, and she said, Pop, can we watch movies?

And I went back to those 70 movies, 70s movies that I thought so much about.

Most of them didn't hold up.

Oh, come on.

They're slower than Christmas.

Oh, slow.

Slow.

Man.

That's how I think of Christmas, too.

That's hysterical.

But, okay,

you know, like Hitchcock,

slow.

You're right.

A lot of stuff does not hold up.

That is so true.

70s movies, the good ones, Three Days of the Condor, that's my just watched it.

There's three or four in any given

year, and and they're great.

Yeah.

Strange Love.

That holds up.

Strange Love.

Doctor Strange Love.

Oh, Doctor Strange Love.

That holds up.

That's Kubrick.

But I said, wait till you see Airplane.

I just re-watched it.

Totally holds up.

No, the jokes do, but there's a lot of space between the jokes.

There's not a lot of space between the jokes.

That's the whole point of the movie.

Well, there's a lot of bad jokes between the guys.

When was the last time you saw it?

With my daughters a couple of years ago.

Oh,

I just watched it.

You liked it still.

I loved it.

I thought it would totally help you.

I will still quote it until my dying day.

That and Spinal Tap.

It's just one joke after another.

I know.

And they're very funny.

And some of them are very out there.

They're very edgy.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, it was a little before political correctness.

Here's something that I think is interesting.

Movies when,

well, when we grew up were so slow, so slow, the storytelling.

And then MTV came along and all the movies started going boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Everything went boom, boom.

I've been going to Sundance a lot, and I've been seeing a lot of young people's films.

They've slowed way down the 20-year-olds.

Really?

They've slowed down the pace of their storytelling, and they're just fine with it.

And I'm going, pick it up, pick it up.

Tell me what happens next.

Why do you think that's why?

I don't know why, but I think it's interesting, and I think it's significant because we say

people in their 20s, they've got an attention span of a flea.

Everything can, it can only be more than, I do stuff on the internet.

It can only be two minutes, minute and a half, and they'll stop.

And I keep saying, who made this up?

It's not true.

If it's good, they'll watch.

And I still believe that.

Maybe.

I hope.

That'd be great.

I mean, there's so much crap.

You just scroll back.

Yeah, I just don't think, I think the brains have been rewired, literally rewired.

I mean, this is the thesis of Jonathan Haidt with his book that's, you know, the attention deficit or whatever it is.

And it's this big thing, but a lot of people have certainly been commenting on it that, you know, we just entered into this new era with...

the smartphone and social media and scrolling replacing reading and we just didn't care where it was taking people and it didn't take them to a good place.

So

there may be a marginal group of people who are still interested in the long form.

I wouldn't count on it.

I definitely would not count on people going back to reading books.

They just don't know what a book is and it's just in.

My daughters read.

Really?

A whole book, what a real book.

Sophia, like

devours them.

Good.

But I think you're right.

I gotta say, when we, you know, when we have these conversations, you know that guy, that guy, hold on.

And then we got it.

We got the guy.

You know, in 1873, when the blah, blah, blah, no, no, no, that wasn't until the 90s.

Right.

Well.

It was 1874.

I stand corrected.

Right.

I love that.

I do, too.

That's the good part.

It's a Siri.

Yeah, that's the good part of it.

Where I live.

The good part of it is that you have that information at your fingertips.

The bad part of it is, yeah, they know that happened in 1874.

They have no context for it.

No.

Because they didn't read a book about it.

They didn't have a survey course about it.

That's not what colleges want to teach anymore.

So they don't really know how to place it

in time and space.

You ever play Celebrity, that game Celebrity?

No, what is it?

Everybody comes up with 10 famous names and you put them in a basin.

And then you have teams, and you pick one out.

This was the father of our country, George Washington.

This was the guy whose name was like a doll and he played baseball and he hit a lot of babe roof.

There is such a dividing line between people our age and people who are in their 30s or 40s.

They don't know anything about

anything about pop culture.

Stuff which is just ubiquitous, but I don't know it.

Well, I don't know who the TikTok stars are, that's true.

But that's almost like 14-year-olds, not even 25-year-olds.

I know more about their culture than they know about things they should know.

They should know, yes.

I mean, I know when World War II was and what it meant for the world, and they have no clue when it happened, who was involved, why it matters.

That's a little more important than me me not knowing,

you know, bad bunny.

Maybe it's not too late.

I, as I told you, didn't get an education, but I found that stuff out, and maybe there's, maybe people will find that out.

I don't have great hope for that, but I don't have great hope for the future.

I feel like we were very lucky to be born at the time we were born because,

don't you think?

I mean, let's say we all get basically around 80 years hopefully AI will come along and we'll be eternal okay great but say that

the ones we got it was like

post really hard times like the depression and World War II but before the shit really hit the fan with turning into an autocracy

global warming

maybe AI robots taking over and killing, you know, like, I just don't have a great feeling about the next 10 10 years.

I could be wrong, but I just feel like we had a...

I'm scared.

I don't know what kind of world I'm going to turn over to my daughters.

There ain't no...

I mean, the job market,

and it's not political.

It's gravity, man.

There's a lot of us.

It's technology.

And technology can replace all of us.

It's going to do...

Every job.

Yeah.

Almost every job.

This thing came out that there isn't a profession out there that you couldn't replace at least 20 or 30 percent of the workforce right now.

And they're already doing it.

Yeah.

They're already doing it.

I mean, what you can't replace.

Of course they are.

You can't not do it.

Yeah.

What you can't replace are gravediggers.

That's it.

Just gravedigger.

All right.

Yeah.

Well, this has been swell.

So much fun.

I'm glad I got to know you.

I always wanted to.

I always loved your work, and I thought you'd be fun to sit and talk to, to, and I wasn't wrong.

Right back at you.

I love what you do, and I have for many, many years.

May I keep this just in case I need to feel warm on the side?

Okay, you missed the coolest part.

Oh.

And do you have anything to plug?

Are you in a movie coming up that we should be aware of?

Yeah.

Check it out.

Is that HIP?

Wow.

Where's the camera?

There's cameras everywhere.

What?

I'm standing in Woody Creek.

How'd you get Timothy Chalamet to do your

liquor ad for you?

We're constantly mistaken for each other.

Yes, I want you to have that.

Yeah, I got a great movie out there called Train Dreams.

Train Dreams.

Yeah, it's about loggers in

the turn of the century,

1910 or something like that.

It was at Sundance and Just Killed.

Netflix bought it.

I saw it up at Toronto.

It's a beautiful, beautiful film.

And I got, I'm in

the new Running Man.

That was a hip.

Running Man.

Yeah,

I remember it.

I remember the original.

And

my daughter, Sophia,

is an actor, and she did this thing, a teen movie.

She's one of the stars,

and it's called Brian.

And she talked me into doing a scene.

And I saw it.

It's really delightful.

And I did a billion

indies.

One about this kid that got burned, he was supposed to die, and he didn't.

And it's called

Soul on Fire.

I'm going to do that.

I did a lot of films, so now I got to publicize them.

Wow.

I'm still working.

I was just going to say, it's great that they can see why, you know.

I mean,

who's going to do that kind of part better than you?

Oh, and Barry, the lead.

You're a football guy?

Yeah.

It's called The Land, as in Cleveland, and it's about the Browns.

And

it's sort of fictionalized.

It's a series and will start in October, and I play the owner.

Great scripts.

I've read four of the ten we're going to do.

They're really good.

Oh, so you're still making it?

No, start in October.

Oh.

I'll be in L.A.

now.

I live in the middle of the morning.

Well, I mean, the Browns, you know, have quite a story in history.

A sports fan knows that Paul Browns founded the team.

But, you know, they've been starstruck with, as far as success,

you know.

I mean, star-crossed,

not star-struck.

And like my Mets very much.

No shame in that.

I'm a Coach fan.

Oh, really?

I started my career, of course, of Dave, in Chicago, and I lived in Wrigleyville.

And it was great.

Day of the game tickets.

I was there when they won the series.

The town lost its mind.

Hadn't been for 108 years.

It was really crazy.

All right, well, we will look for

your movies and thank you for the listeners.

I'm glad you liked that.

Thank you, Pal.

Let's keep it in touch.

Yeah, I promise I will.

Do you live close?

Yeah, you live.

Oh, no, you

not the way I drove here, but yes, I drove here.

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