Jeff Goldblum Returns (Re-Release)

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Watch this. Hello, my name is Jeff Goldblum, G-O-L-D-B-L-U-N.

And I'm reading for some of the first name.

Oh, yes, first name.

I did it.

First name, last name.

Empty something.

Yeah.

And then pause.

Here comes.

That's enough of that.

And I feel.

And then it says here, parenthesis, however I feel.

Well.

Madness. Madness.
feel and then it says here parenthesis however i feel well madness madness madness hey that's the last line of what movie this is the here last line of movie madness madness tell me the book oh my god i know that movie i know that movie is it older movie uh yes wait a a minute. Madness.
I can give you a clue. Madness.
Wait a minute. Is it...
Madness. Hold it.
Madness. Is it Apocalypse Now? No.
Uh, no. That's the horror.
The horror. You're close, though.
Yeah. And it has a similar...
Oh, wait a minute. It's The Last Family Ties.
No. No, it does.
It ends with madness. Mad it ends with madness I love that this is the introduction to the show we have to wrap up what this movie is and then do the name thing all as one giant piece we're still rolling we're still rolling really this has been real you can't use this no we can't but give us a hint on that movie okay I'll give you a hint a hint.
A lesser cast member, Jack Hawkins. Probably don't even know who that is.
Oh, Mike, what kind of clue is that? Okay, set. A ceramic mug features in a breakfast scene.
There's a clue for you. No, no, Jack Hawkins.
There are those who know very well Jack Hawkins and already know this movie. I'll give you a giveaway clue.
Bill Holden. William Holden.
Oh.

Stalag 17?

No.

Good.

No.

Pretty good guess.

It's kind of a war picture.

He does not deliver the last line, by the way.

Oh.

The bridge over the river Kwai.

Exactly right.

Bridge over the river Kwai.

That was my last.

Just as he blows up the bridge.

Yes.

Exactly.

Now, all together, let's whistle the song that is right.

Ready?

No. Oh, wait.
That's the wrong one. Okay.
That's it. I can't whistle, and I don't know that.
You cannot whistle? I can't whistle, and I... Is that true? I don't, I've never seen this movie.
When I was a kid in camp, we used to, they taught us these old songs from the 50s as we trudged up the Appalachian Mountains and we had to sing Comet It makes your teeth

turn green

Comet

It tastes like

Vaseline

Comet

Make you vomit

So drink your comet

and vomit today

And then it'd be like

Again!

And we would do it again

and I climbed

the presidential mountain range

just singing that song

not knowing what it was

how it

why?

Why?

Just because

And then you learned later that it was from that movie That Yeah. That's funny.
That's funny. Hey, do you know this song? You reminded me of the song, we're on the upward trail.
We're on the upward trail. Singing, singing, everybody's singing as we go.
That would have been a more legit version of the marching song. Yes, I suppose.
Now, where does that song come from?

Because you've confused us once again.

And also, how do you feel about being Conan O'Brien's man?

For God's sake.

My name is Jeff Goldblum, and I feel being here with you now as if I'm revealing myself to myself.

And I feel utterly drenched and purged. It's okay.
Now, that's from a kind of an homage to a movie line also. That's not my originality and my unconventionality.
Why don't you turn my podcast into a kooky trivia show? I love it. That's what you've done.
I love it. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walkin' loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. All right, testing, testing, one, two, three, testing, testing, bumblebee, testing, testing, all day long we sing the testing, testing song.
Three, two, one. Why can't you do anything normally? I don't know.
Why can't anything just be normal? I don't know, ask Michelangelo. Here we go.
Three, two, three. There it is.
The Ninja Turtle. Yeah, that's who I meant.
Okay. The best of the Ninja Turtles.
Three, two, one. No, Donatello, big time.
I'm a Leonardo guy. Are you? And action.
Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
It's a podcast that gives and gives until it can't give no more. What's it giving? I don't know.
What are we giving? I think it's spreading disease. We should stop.
It's spreading disease. This is a fantastic episode.
I never say that up front, but we know for a fact

because we bring to you today

the amazing Jeff Goldblum,

a force of nature,

a star.

And I don't mean a star

in the sense of a Hollywood star.

He certainly is that.

But he is a celestial event,

in my opinion.

He really is.

He really is.

So this interview that we have,

I'm told, Matt,

that you barely touch this one.

Sometimes you do little edits

Thank you. celestial event in my opinion he really is so this interview that we have i'm told matt that you barely touch this one sometimes you do little edits and tweaks i do they're occasionally a guest will be on and they start to go into you know very inappropriate rant uh and we have to take it out occasionally there's uh you know repeated stories or something through just natural conversation that i'll pull out you're not missing anything as a listener from the things I'm pulling out.
Right. But this one, it couldn't have any editing because it's music.
It's a symphony. And I also always take out little mouth noises and clicks.
But Jeff Goldblum has this repeating feline slurp. And it's just I couldn't touch it.
It would be like going, like you said, going to Michelangelo and editing his Sistine Chapel. Yeah.
Well, again, so not Michelangelo, the teenage mutant ninja turtle. No, I still mean him.
Okay. And he was a wonderful painter.
Because he also worked on the Sistine Chapel. Yeah.
So it must be tough technically to edit a man who's constantly making low purring sounds because how do you, you can't do an edit. I speak and then I stop and there's nothing.
But Jeff Goldblum, even when he's not speaking. Well, you can do a crossfade and you can blend one sexual grumble into the next, but I would never do that.
Like, who am I to censor his sexual rumblings, his subsonic sexual rumblings? I love that you called it, first of all, sexual grumbling, which made it sound like a grumpy guy who's in a sexual mood, you know? I don't even know how that sounds. It's like, oh, yeah, I'd like to do it with somebody right now.
These kids today. I didn't have so much to do.
Yeah, I'm going to have to do, and I have to do the yard first, but I'd sure like to do it with someone. I don't know what that means, but I'm, yeah, there's not much to say.
When you have Jeff Goldblum, and you've managed to capture a Jeff Goldblum in the wild, and you get it to talk, it's an event. It's a real event.
And to that point, this introduction is about the interview. The interview itself is something like, I think, 70 minutes long.
And we do a segment at the end of this episode where we just talk about how wonderful that interview was. So this is an all Goldblum episode.
Yeah. And you know what? When I say all Goldblum, I don't hear one complaint.
No. No one's going to stop me on the street and say that was too much Goldblum.
No. And set your filters, your Goldblum filters to high because you want to get all the Goldblum as it comes to it.
Yeah. Was it 70 minutes just the part where he goes, my name is Jeff Goldblum and I feel like that alone was like 45 minutes.
So the listeners will have already heard that moment. Yeah.

And that was, I think, three minutes and 46 seconds for him to say,

hi, my name is Jeff Goldblum.

And ultimately, I feel, I think he said drenched, something like drained and drenched.

All I know is that once it was over, I had no memory of what had happened.

I knew that I had, you know, had an orgasmic high, but I didn't know what happened. Yeah.
And I think I put it out to the listeners. Listen to this Jeff Goldblum interview.
And afterwards, I doubt anyone's going to know what was said. I don't.
You guys said so many names of shows and so many actors I had never heard of. And three of you were like oh my god that guy was the best like it was just like constant splooging over like 70s okay let's clean your shows okay come on you yeah you were just doing a whole sex thing about grumblings such a grumpy sexual uh and you're telling me to clean it up because i didn't say i didn't say splooge i didn't talk about you guys you guys did all the whole interview it's true i mean she's just saying the facts that's true we did yeah we can you change that to squeegee no i would just become squeegee you guys were just squeegeeing each other that to me feels erotic i didn't say each other i said you were just every time someone would say oh yeah do you remember this one actor who was in one show for three episodes? You were like, oh, my God, that guy was the best guy I've ever heard of in my life.
That's what I just remember. Who's splooching around you that talks that way? I've never, that's not what it's, that doesn't at all sound like a guy who was about to ejaculate.
That in no way, your guy who's about to ejaculate's like, yeah, so anyway, I'm gonna go get a sandwich and oh my god i just came who the fuck is that guy you've been hanging out with bruno the splooger yeah he just has orgasms when he least expects it anyway so i think what we're gonna do is get a guy in here to rivet the beam you need a good riveter because the rivets have to be hot too because they got to go into the eye beam. Oh, God.
Oh, fuck. Some people have narcolepsy.
I got splooge-olepsy. Oh, man, I got splooge-olepsy.
Oh, I don't know. This year, I think the Mets are going to go all the way.
I'll tell you what it is. It's infielding.
If you can keep the ball in the infielding. Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

I had to take my earphones off.

Oh, fuck! I was talking about

infielding. I thought I was safe.

Oh, Jesus.

I love this guy.

This guy, Bruno the Splooge.

You're listening to Bruno the Splooge

on KXW9.

Oh.

Alright. Well, anyway.
On that note. Let's do this.
Let's do this thing. Strap yourselves in.
My guest today is an actor who has starred in such movies as Jurassic Park, Independence Day, and Thor Ragnarok. Now he's reprising his role as Dr.
Ian Malcolm in the highly anticipated movie Jurassic World Dominion. To say I'm excited is insane, because it's beyond that.
Delighted, excited, orgasmic. To chat with him today, Jeff Goldblum, welcome.
Lord, I have to tell you, this is the inaugural podcast in our new studio with a genuine celebrity. We did a little messing around and testing beforehand, but you...
Genuine. Genuine.
You like that pronunciation. That's what I say.
You did Music Man at one point, didn't you? Oh, I wish I had. I know you did.
Genuine. I know you did.
Trumpet. Yes, I know.
Well, you know very well you were in that movie. So listen, I must tell you that I can't think of a better person to start this off with than you.
You know that you and I have something. A certain frisson.
Admit it. Admit it.
We have something. Yes.
Yes, we do. No, and I will.
A frisson. You know what that means.
I don't. I think it's French and it means we're in constant culmination.
The way you're moving. You're moving like a lascivious snake.
Yes. Bring it out.
No, you are. I've interviewed you many times.
You're one of my favorite people to talk to because you have an animalistic quality. Yes, and I mean that in the nicest way.
Which animal? Well, I don't know. It would be a reptile, I believe.
I think a panther. No, no, no, no, no.
Because it has a long darting tongue. I know that he can hit a fly at great lengths.
You are a combination of animals. You are a panther, but you are also a lizard.
Of course, the fly. We must add the fly in there.
Yes, yes. You just reminded me.

I had, do you remember your dreams?

I had a dream last night.

I wrote down some of it,

but I didn't remember until just this moment this thing about the tongue.

Somebody last night in my dream

had a tongue that was very, very long

and it came out completely.

They, he, I don't forget.

The tongue detached from the mouth completely?

It detached.

It was a detachable long tongue. Yes you know apropos of nothing well of interest to nobody but uh but you just but that's true and i have forgot that what the hell am i doing with that the um yes yes i i wrote these down madly as i before i forgot this morning this is your dream yes okay let me pause for a minute ladies and gentlemen uh jeff goldblum esteemed actor is about to he's relate your dream.
Some of my dreams. Yes, some of my dreams.
Okay, let me pause for a minute. Ladies and gentlemen,

Jeff Goldblum, esteemed actor,

is about to,

he's relayed a dream

that he had last night

and I can see

that he's written it down.

It looks like in Hebrew.

I don't understand.

Your handwriting is very bizarre.

Do you speak Hebrew?

It's very strange.

Yeah, it is.

You can't read that.

My dad was a doctor

like your dad was.

Yeah, it's like Sanskrit.

It's crazy. I inherited his thing.
No, but that's what I wrote down. That's right.
Should we hear it? Yeah, should we hear the dream? Yeah, you can. But I did just remember that, no kidding, that tongue part of it.
That was also last night. There's nothing funny about these, but it may open a portal into our subconscious, all of us.
Yes, let's hope so. So Robert Altman, you remember him.
Yeah, the great director, Robert Altman. I worked with him a few times.
Name dropper. Well, I know.
I know. I know.
In any case, he was, he appeared in my dream. We were kind of in a hospital situation or something.
And he appeared, all of a sudden, to my astonishment and delight, alive. Right.
He's now dead, lo, these several years. But he was alive, young and radiant with his, I think they were his sons.
And they were kind of sneaking him in and out of this thing. And I said, look at you.
Because he'd, I guess, I intuited right, I inferred right he, he had faked his death for some reason. He seemed sly and delighted and, and it was now our secret.
And he said, yes, be prepared for me to stay at your house. Something like that.
And then they left. That was the dream.
That was one sequence. That's that sequence.
The second sequence was, listen to this, I was in some kind of strange but heavy equipment pod that was delivering us up a mountain, the outside to view a mountain. And it was the Alps.
I think it was the Alps of some kind. It's the Swiss Alps.
You're in some kind of craft viewing the Alps. Yes.
And each of us in a separate pod. My wife, was in a pod a little bit away from me, and we were all experiencing this separately.
But we could see a wonderful view of these mountains as they got higher and higher. And it was like the highest peak on earth.
As we got further, we saw these old castles kind of, you know, places. And that was amazing and wonderful.
Then we got higher and higher until finally it kind of leveled up. And we knew we were at the top of the world.
and then, and it was amazing and wonderful then we got higher and higher until finally it kind of leveled out and we knew we were at the top of the world and then and it was amazing and everybody

was kind of all you know in awe and then before it started down the other side like a roller coaster

we were like that and then it started and it was a harrowing uh you know ride that seemed like that

I kind of retreated inside an inner compartment in this pod in kind of a bathroom and then I said

Thank you. throwing uh you know ride that seemed like that i kind of retreated inside an inner compartment in this pod in kind of a bathroom and then i said i'm missing it i thought to myself i'm missing it so i went back up and kind of got some of it that was it and then uh it was over we all i missed my wife i missed the group and i seemed to be by myself uh left behind somehow couldn't find them so i was like left behind.
That's the second part of the dream. Okay.
Kind of. Yes.
Let me say quickly, Freud had this theory that dreams have meaning. And we now know that Freud was wrong.
That has no meaning. This is insanity.
There's no, there's nothing. There's nothing there.
Robert Altman returns from the dead and wants to stay at your and he's being sneaky, and you're in a hospital. Then you're in a pod.
You're observing the Alps. You go up one side and down the other after spending a brief interval in the bathroom.
What's the last one? The last one, this may make sense of the whole thing. I was doing kind of a talk show or a podcast of some kind.
It's not curious to think that I was already thinking. I guess there are so many.
Thinking. None would come to the mind of a Jeff Goldblum.
None like this. This is uniquely tippity-toppity.
That's how it relates to the second one. This is the crest.
This is the summit of podcastery. Thank you.
Podcastery. We are the summit of podcastery, sir.
But I was going to perform in some way or being asked to perform. I wasn't kind of prepared or happy about it.
And then the woman producer type, you know, laid on me some things that I wasn't prepared for. She said, oh, yeah, you're going to be talking to Diane Keaton and Ron Howard, and we're going to try to get you to get him to dance.
And I said, nothing's right. The microphone isn't right.
I have the pen. I have nothing.
There's nothing right. And how long am I going to do this? I said, didn't know.
She said, oh, another, you know, a couple of hours. Well, that's all together.
That's five hours. That's two.
So this is like a steady job. This is like a full-time job, right? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Well, okay. I was not happy about it.
Well, I'll tell you what. So you had a dream the night before coming here about doing a long podcast with a red-haired celebrity, Ron Howard, and Diane Keaton, a.k.a.
Sonam of Sessian. Oh.
Yes, yes. I want to be Diane Keaton.
And then finally, I said there was a guy with great big bushy eyebrows. Let's see if I'm prescient at all.
No No, no. Must be me.
I mean, I trim them, but they could comb into my hairline if I needed them to. No kidding.
And I said, what's your name? Yes, well, I want to learn everybody's name first and last. He said, last? He was kind of taken aback by that.
And then I said, yes. And there was a big crew around.
And I said, yes, I think I should learn everybody's name. In fact, I think if it were up to me, we'd all be wearing name tags.
They seem to be happy about that. That's about all of that.
That's that dream. Now, listen.
Wow. Don't lose that sheet of paper.
Okay. Okay? We can't have that lost to time.
Okay. We need to frame that.
Yeah. That is, you know, here's what I'll say about you, Jeff.
I never know what you're going to say. I never know what you're going to do.
You are feral. You are a man that runs on instinct.
You don't, and you're very much, I think, attuned. You should see the faces he's making right now.
You're very much attuned to the universe, and I feel like you are constantly in the now. Is this correct? I aspire to presence.
Yes, I'd like to be.

I'd like to be here and now.

That would be great.

You've devoted your life to the technology of the here

and now, I believe. Isn't that also

correct? Well, I don't think I have at all.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You do, so don't deny it.

By the way, here,

let me mention

something. You know, there is such

a thing as, you go to, I don't know whether you go to therapists and you've talked about dreams or interested in dreams, but there's a thing called dream work. This may be of no interest to you, but there's a thing that occurs to me.
There's a thing called dream work whereby this may not seem like it has any relevance to anything or makes any sense, but there are those who think, and I did it once with a good teacher, Sandra Seacat, that Laura Dern turned me on to, whom Laura Dern turned me on to, that you go to bed before the night of a, before you need an answer to something, you say, dear inner self, you write a letter, please give me an answer to something about this character that I'm playing or my life or aspect of this relationship. And you have a dream.
And then you go to this dream coach. And you go, well, here's what it is.
I wrote it down. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the play or bagaga.
And they go, well, not at first, but how about this? And they open you up to consider the possibilities of how your subconscious may be informing your activities and your questions. What do you think of that? My mother-in-law, a lovely woman and very smart woman, is a therapist.
Liza's mom. Yeah, Liza's mom.
And she believes that all dreams have meaning. If you have a dream and you tell her, you know, she starts to pick it apart.
I'm often having dreams that I defy anyone to make sense of because it just seems like random mush. It really does.
And then I realized that most of my life I'm speaking in random mush. Yes, exactly.
So maybe they're related. Maybe they are related.
Yeah, and you get fertile material in your dream life or not. I don't know about this.
I'm not advocating for one. I don't know how I feel about it.
If you tell me dreams are just a kind of a weird, you know, you know, discharge of your, you know, nocturnal, you know. Well, no, there are nocturnal discharges.
That's a separate category. Yes, yes.
Well, there are. There just frankly are.
I know there are. What's that? I just don't think we need to bring them up.
No. No, no.
I wasn't going to bring them up. I was just going to say it's a common term, nocturnal discharge.
And I wanted to make sure that people didn't misunderstand what Jeff was saying, that you are separating the two. Right.
Yes. Yes, exactly.
And if we were not on air and I were more given to the ribald. Or ribald.
Or ribald. Oh, I don't know.
What do you think? Well, he said genuine. Yeah, genuine.
I'm allowed to, I, as the host of the show, I'm allowed to- Make up your own. Make up the final laws on all pronunciations.
Really? But please, continue-way. Well, I don't know.
So, well, my point is that I'm not going to continue into something, the whole thing that I just thought of.

I'd love it if you would.

Yeah, yeah. Don't be afraid of being reballed.

We are all adults here.

And I will say this is a safe space.

Yeah.

All right.

No, I shouldn't.

Well, you know.

Yes, yes.

When I was young, you know, 12 12, 13 I think it happened

yes

yeah

anyway that's all

that's all I'll say

and you know

well that seems young

is all I'm gonna say

really?

yes

I was 37

oh god

yes

congratulations

so awkward

no no I was really

watching them wrap up Seinfeld

and I just

it happened

I'm sorry

that's very good

late bloomer I am

you know you have

speak like Yoda. Yeah, I know.
Late bloomer I am. Late bloomer I am.
Discharge late, it came. 30,000 years old I was.
Yaddle. By the way, by the way, I'm such big fans of yours.
I've been watching a lot of, not just for my conscientious research purposes, but just for my own entertainment. Often, I go to YouTube and see, I've seen hours and hours and hours of your content.
Foolishness, I like to call it. Everything.
Oh, that's nice. I love it all.
I love it all. I love it all.
I love it all. I love it all.
I really am.

So I know a lot about you.

You know what I think is something that makes me very happy is that none of our comedy was ever really about anything. No, that's for sure.
So you can see something from 25 years ago, and it doesn't relate to any specific topical thing in the news. and other than the fact that my head hasn't rotted yet in those clips,

people can laugh at them all over again, which makes me happy. Uh-oh, you put on your specs.
He's examining your rotting head. Are you examining my rotting head? Yeah, yeah.
Now that you brought it up, you all look great. You know, just great.
Well, please. You can tell that this...
I have one of those Irish heads that bloats as it gets older. You've said it.
I know. No, this is true.
You know, you leave a gourd in the sun long enough. And then winter comes and you have yourself a Conan.
That's what happens over time. But you, I will say this, I love talking to you because you're staring at me and you're examining every- I like your glasses.
I like your glasses. You know why? conversation I think I introduced you to these you did and I will I will admit freely that my style guru and my lifestyle guru is Mr.
Jeff Goldberg and I'll tell you why he is a tall good looking drink of water and whenever he's wearing something I I think, well, wait a minute. We have somewhat similar...
Well, hold on. Okay.
Son is about to really correct me. Let's say Jeff had been in an accident at some point.
Then Jeff and I would be very similar. That's all I'm saying.
You guys have very different vibes. I'm not talking about the vibes.
I'm talking just about when he is a tall man and he knows how to dress. Right.
And I love, so during commercial breaks, often, often when he was on the show, people always wonder, what do you talk about with people? I can always tell you what I'm talking about with Jeff in a commercial break. I go right to, oh my God, that, those shoes.
And, you know, I have large feet and you have large feet and he'll say, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh, my, oh, my boy. Oh, oh, yes, yes.

And then so I remembered once you came out and you were wearing these wonderful glasses that you really carried off well.

And I said, I must wear those glasses.

Yeah.

And I asked you and you acted as if you were telling me where the secret ring was that would unlock the universe.

You went, oh, oh, oh, oh, my boy.

Oh, yes, yes. Jacques, Jacques Marie.
What is it? Le M Le Mange? Jacques-Marie Mange, yeah. Yeah, Jacques-Marie Mange.
Oh, and he said, oh, my boy, I'll call ahead, I'll call ahead. And then you described going downtown, and there's a secret knock, and a corridor, and a passageway, and sure enough, they're the greatest glasses.
Did you go, how'd you get them? Did you go to see Jerome? I went with, I went with Sona. Sona came with me.
You went to Jerome, to that studio? Oh, yeah. I'm sure he greeted you and met you and showed you everything.
Oh, he was wonderful. Everybody was wonderful.
But, I mean, I have done this several times. You once, we were doing something together that was not my project and not your project.
We were recording something together. I remember the day.
I do. And you walked in, and and i always couldn't i could never find jeans i have a very um unusual build i'll say and um anyway what's your inseam what's your leg we have long leg you have a fine leg i think what's your inseam i have a very long leg we'll say it together ready here's our inseam one two have a very long leg.
We'll say it together. Ready? Here's our inseam.
One, two, three. 36.
I'm a 36. I'm a 36.
Is it really? You said you were a 30. Well, I was afraid.
I was afraid to go. I have a very, I have a long inseam.
And so I. That's long.
So anyway, I see this gentleman come in and he's wearing these amazing jeans. And I said, oh my God'd you get those jeans he went oh well oh my boy oh my boy oh good oh and he went oh my boy you simply must and then you said I'll never forget you said the Schaefer Garment Hotel and it's this place and I go there's this place.
Yeah, Robert Schaefer. Yeah.
Oh, the Schaefer Garment Hotel. And I go there.
And you said, just go, just go. So I go.
And of course, it's the coolest people in the world. And they have like an old denim machine.
What? It's like the John Wick Hotel, but for clothes? Yes. Yes, it is.
It's the John Wick Hotel, except just for jeans. Oh, my.
And how about the hat maker in the back? Oh, there's a guy there wearing like Slash's hat. And he's like, I'll make you one of these.
And I went, well, I don't know if I can carry that off. There's a dog that's in the store.
Yeah, that's right. Do you know who I ran into there once? I was with Emily.
We went there to pick up a pair of jeans or a hat or something. And it was just us and Bob Dylan.
Oh, my God. Yes, because he got his hats from that guy.
I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I kept, I had important business.
I was talking about hats. And he came in.
And before I could say anything to him, he left. But I think Emily, I don't know if she said anything.
Wait, you didn't go up to him? No, no. I wish I had.
I think I, I mean, I've told this before, but I met him once. I got pushed to the front of the, I went to see some concert of his and I was backstage and someone pushed me to the front of a line and there he was, the great Bob Dylan.
It's my one chance to meet him. And all this conversation stopped and Bob Dylan looked at me and he went, I know you from the TV.
It's true. It's true.
The TV. He said, I know you from the TV.
And just then, the other person backstage was Vice President Al Gore. And so all I hear is, I know you from the TV.
And then I hear, Conan, Conan, it's me, Al Gore. And I'm like, what? What is this event? And I go, what? We're all there for a concert to see Bob Dylan perform.
And he goes like, I love rock and roll. And suddenly he's talking to me and I see Bob Dylan scuttle away.
I was cockblocked with Bob Dylan by Vice President Al Gore. That's a true story.
If you had told me that that wasn't a true story, but that was a dream you had last night, it would be just as credible. Yeah, and then, trust me, I wanted to detach Gore's tongue from his body to get him to stop yapping at me.
He, no, I'm sorry. You know, all due respect to the former Vice President and, of course, a leading figure in climate prevention change.
It's another nocturnal emission happening. Yeah.
You know what? He does this to me. Jeff Goldblum does this to me.
You're not wrong. He unmans me.
Yeah. You're just bewitching, and this is joyous.
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I'm trying to, I'm trying to become Will Arnett. Oh, okay.
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When I'm around you,

uh-oh, look at him take a sip.

Isn't it really something? Everything he does.

Thank you. when I'm around you uh oh look I'm taking a sip everything he does is perfection you just want to take a sip and it's like there's a golden liquid in there but I know it's just something okay looks like ginger ale or rum I don't know it's green tea that they made for me here but I know how you despise iced drinks.
Oh! Of course, I heard that whole... I've seen every...
I've heard every episode. I don't know if we should be excited or horrified that you're coming here.
I know. I know everything.
I have to say... We're terrible people.
Jeff, you know, we really are an awful lot. You can do better than us, Jeff.
You know what? You can sip any day because everything you do. Listen, listen.
Listen, listen. Oh, my God.
That is Jeff Goldblum sipping. Oh, my God.
You're the best. You know, it's interesting to me.
There is a sensuality that you exude about, see, even with the smallest gestures, a sensuality. And then I find, and I'm quite comfortable in my sexuality, but I find that when I'm around you, I'm open for anything.
I really am. I am.
I'm just saying that. I feel the same.
I'm open. And Matt is as well.
We're just up for it. I'd like to offer myself as a sacrifice in some way.
Wait, you mean like if Jeff invited you to like a weird sex party, you'd be like, oh. You know how uptight I am, right? Yes, that's why I'm so proud of it.
But if Jeff Goldblum said, oh, come with me into this special sanctum and I want you to introduce me to my secret friends. And it's going to be, but first you must apply this wax and oil.
I would do it. I would do it because he's that.
And it's going to be Diane Keaton, Ron Howard, and Robert Altman. Yes.
And Bob Dylan in Al Gore. And Bob Dylan's going to see me and go, I know you from the TV.
Bob's going to know you in a whole different way. And then I'm just about to get it on with Bob Dylan when I get to hair.
Conan! Conan! It's me, Vice President Al Gore.

Very erotic.

Yeah.

Well, this little packet that we're in.

Don't you love this?

Is this the first date?

This is the first time, yeah.

Well, I love this blue, blue velvet purse that we're in.

It's like a sex panic room.

What?

I don't know.

Sex panic room.

With microphones.

Have you ever been in a sex panic?

I don't know. Sex panic? With microphones.
Have you ever been in a sex panic? Yeah, I have been in a sex panic myself. See, that's the problem.
That's why I envy you. I'm sorry.
It is. I don't think Jeff would ever be in a sex panic.
Jeff Goldblum would never be in a sex panic. I am in a constant, even when there's nothing sexual happening, I'm in a sex panic.
I'm constantly in my own head. Well, he's the antidote because he could be a sex bomb to your sex panic.
This is not coming out. Yes, sex whisper.
Sex bomb, sex bomb. Who did that song? Sex bomb.
It wasn't bomb, but it was bomb. Oh, yeah.
Sex bomb. Was it V-52s? No, it was a big hit in Europe, particularly during these couple of years that I remember.
Sex Bomb, Sex Bomb. You only remember a couple of years? I think we got it coming.
No, during these couple of years. When it was a hit, he's looking it up.
When it was a hit, I was in Europe making a movie, and it was on all the time, but I don't think it made its way across the pond. I don't think it made it.
Sex sounds familiar. And there was a video.
I'll give you a clue. That same singer is not unusual.
Oh, Tom Jones? Oh, yeah. Tom Jones, exactly.
What James Bond Thunderball. Oh, yeah.
You have a James Bond question. Oh, yeah.
And they're called Thunderball. And they strike strikes like Thunderball.
Do you know that Johnny Cash did a rejected Thunderball theme song? I did not know that. I didn't know that.
He unsolicited sent it to them and they went we never asked for this. It was not that song it was his own song.
You know can I say something and this is to be because I know a lot about Cash. I revere him.
He sent in a lot of unsolicited songs. He was constantly sending in like Prell Shampoo, Alpo Dog Food.
He was constantly, yeah, he was constantly sending in, I've got a different way you could go with that song. Purina Cat Chow, Chow Chow Chow.
I can't even. Not true.
I believed you for a second. I did too.
Now I feel really dumb. I was like, oh, you're kidding.
You know the best part of waking up? No, stop it. Just lift it in your cup.
No. Johnny Cash first sent it in.
First. He did it in that Johnny Cash way.
Yeah. He first sang that song.
Look sharp. Feel sharp.
Yes. Be sharp.
Ring a burning fire. Ring a burning fire.
I'm stuck on band-aids cause band-aids stuck on me he did the Oscar Mayer song Duh Babaloni has a first name it's O-S-E-R Babaloni has a second name oh and you know what I mean no no wasn't the Oscar you know what the sad last thing he did before he passed away was the car for kids jingle. Yeah.
I don't know that jingle. Sing it.
Is it 1-800-CARS-4-KIDS? Something like that. Oh, that.
Okay. No.
But I think the Oscar Mayer thing was, I'd like to be an Oscar Mayer wiener. Oh, I'd like to be an Oscar Mayer wiener.
Yes. I'd like to be an Oscar Mayer wiener.
That's what I'd really like to be. I'd like to be an Oscar Mayweiner now all the kids would be in love with me I fell into a burning ring of fire just so you know to be fair that most jingles that you love were written by Johnny Cash unsolicited he would just send them in but he did do the Thunderball this is how we got started dropping mental breadcrum He did.
What do you say? And it sounds like a typical Johnny Cash song, except it has kind of like John Barry horns in it. It's really something.
I love that. I love that Thunderball.
I was right at the right age for that, because I had consumed Dr. No from Rush With Love, Goldfinger.
I was so ready for Thunderball. Yeah.
Boy, that was great. Is he your favorite Bond of all time? I'm going to say, for me, it's Sean Connery, but Daniel Craig is right there with him, and I thought no one could do that.
I thought no one could. Sean Connery was so incredible.
Fantastic. When he peaked, when he went to the summit of the Alps, after Thunderball, I think, nothing against Sean Connery, those movies, it started to- He was phoning it in a bit.
Wither, yeah. And by the time he got to Jill St.
John and- Diamonds are forever. Diamonds are forever.
Yeah, you know, not my favorite. And then- I've never been happier in my life right now.
I know, this is right up your alley. I'll tell you, Matt Gorley is a Bond fanatic and a huge Jeff Goldblum fan.
Now he's in a room, they've both come together, and he's having a nocturnal emission. Oh my God, there's so many emissions happening.
A diurnal emission all day long here. This is really- A what? Yeah.
The what? The what? Diurnal? Diurnal. Oh, is that the daytime? The diurnal? I believe so.
Di-diurnal, di-diurnal, diurnal, diurnal, diurnal, diurnal. I believe I know that song.
Johnny Cash first sent that in. Okay, listen.
Yes. He submitted all my bar mitzvah songs.
You know what makes perfect? Monestanol halal zoo. You know what makes perfect? I fell into a burning ring of...
It's becoming more Elvis. It's becoming more Elvis than Johnny Cash.
I never said I was the perfect, you know. Oh my God.
You know, you are, you are a terrific jazz musician and I'm bringing this up for a reason. I think to understand Jeff Goldblum, which is impossible, but to really understand what makes this man tick, I think is your love of jazz.
You are constantly improvising in the moment and tuned into that crazy galaxy that real jazz musicians are tuned into. And a good friend of mine just went and saw you perform the other night and said that you were fantastic.
That's very nice. That's very encouraging.
Thank you. Yeah, we played the Disney concert hall.
Yes. Oh my God.
Two couple nights ago. But what I'm saying is, am I correct that there's something about music you're – I just feel like you're in tune with some jazz musical score all the time.
Yeah, yeah. Do you think that's – and this is a compliment, by the way.
Thank you so much. I like – well, I aspire to it.
I'm a humble student of jazz and of the technology of presence in all its various ramifications in the podcast world, in jazz world and the musical world and everything. Oh, I had thought, by the way, aren't there, hasn't anybody sung songs, a snippet of song about friendship as you're still looking for friends? By the way, how many friends do you need? You've been looking for, how long have you been looking for friends now? How many have you found by this time? Jeff, they don't often take.
That's the problem. I don't wear well over time.
That's one of the problems. Yeah, but I feel that we are, you know, sometimes plants, they have to graft.
They have to graft into each other is what you're saying. Yes, I'm right there with you.
I think we have. We need to graft into each other.
Yes, we need to very much. Yeah, but but think of do you know any songs about friendship well the song that you know we are going to be friends that White Stripes did Jack White he's a good friend of mine and that's the song I wanted name dropper he wrote the song he wrote the song with Jeff Altman oh Jeff Altman Oh.
Anyway. Fall is here, hear the yell.
You sing like a nightingale. I love your voice.
You really like my voice? When you're not doing that, you have a beautiful, authentic, conversational, delightful voice. Can I say something? You must.
I'm always so self-conscious that I put trills and foolishness in there and I never just sing. You just sang and I loved it.
Silent night. No, he's going to sing.
You're going to do a thing. Holy night.
All is calm. No, it's doing it again, right? All is pride.
Try to take all the vibrato out of it. Sleep.
No, no. I mean, you can't be normal.
No, but you were just singing. So sing that, whatever you want to sing, like the other voice, that's it.
Let's see. You've got a friend.
Oh, no, I can't sing that song. How about the Jason Isbell song you sang to us that time? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. What's that? Oh, yeah.
How does that go? It goes, never could be happy in the city at night. That's beautiful.
Yeah. Can't see the stars for the neon lights.
Beautiful. Sidewalks dirty and the river's worse.
Underground trains all run in reverse. Nobody here can dance like me.
Everybody claps on the one and the three three Am I the last of my kind? Am I the last of my kind? Very moving, very beautiful. Boy, you should do a whole album of songs that way.
I'd love to hear you do that. He can't do it.
I can't do it. I just want to say you two are just locked in icons.
I know. Can I tell you something, Jeff? I couldn't, and I'm supposed to, and I want to write a song with Amy Mann.
Yeah, I love Amy Mann. I talk about it.
I adore Amy Mann, and I'm intimidated by Amy Mann's talent. But we promised to write a song together, and then the last thing she said to me, I said, yeah, I'll do it.
And she said, you know, it's just got to be something like sincere and something that you really want to say. And I was like, oh.
Yeah. Oh, that's not going to happen.
You could do it. No, I can't.
Sona, will you tell them, please take over? I was on the edge of my seat the entire time you were singing because I thought he was going to go into some bit and like do something with your voice. Thinks eventually become a bit.
It's a bit. It's a, you like joking around.
Well, who knows where it will be consumed or how it should be presented. But just for your own, just do it.
I'd love to hear, just for me and for so-and-and-for-us, I'd love to hear you do it. And you don't have to jettison your comedic force of nature.
You could be surprising and do one like that and one like that and one like that. But that's a very useful part of your toolbox, in my opinion,

and a very enjoyable one.

Well, that's very nice.

I'm curious about something because we have so much in common, not just our incredible height and physiques,

and not just our incredibly successful careers, both of us, as actors.

My point is that we both, and you mentioned this earlier, both of us, both of our fathers, doctors. Yes, right.
And I don't know. There's this couple of similarities there.
I'm fascinated by this idea that sometimes a salmon just knows it has to swim upstream. I don't know why, but somehow you knew when you were a kid that you needed to be an actor, that you needed to be a performer.
Yep. I did.
I did. Yeah, around 10, you know, we started to go to children's theater and I was like, what are they doing? Who is that? What are they doing backstage? And I'd be very excited, you know, to go.
And then around 9th and 10th grades, I went to this summer session of Carnegie Mellon University and and took real blue lessons and um right and uh you know oh no but before that yes i went to chatham music day camp around uh fifth grade and was in this show and uh my dad had said if you ever find something you love to do that maybe is a key to your vocational choice wisely and that night they said so how'd And I was like, yeah, I liked it. But I kept it secret because there was no, you know, I kept it secret.
I wanted to be an actor. And certainly in school, I was a well-behaved, good boy.
And nobody would have thought that I would do anything like that, except that I played piano here and there. So that was it.
Yeah. And he was a doctor.
But I must say, I don't know. What kind of doctor, by the way? Internal medicine, kind of a family doctor.
Got it. Got it.
But, you know, people, his patients loved him and he would always kind of keep up on his studies and this and that. You know, he liked medicine.
But early on, supposedly the story goes, he, when he wanted to decide what he was going to do, he was either going to be a doctor or an actor. What? He had the idea to be an actor, and then he stuck his head in the back of a class and thought to himself, this is out of my league, whatever that meant.
So he was a doctor. So he was a little bit tickled when I...
Of course. Yeah.
And he got to see you become Jeff Goldblum, the big deal. Not such a big deal.
Not even a big deal now. But he got to see me start to, because things started to happen quickly.
He died like in 83, around the time I did The Big Chill. But he saw a few movies before that and some plays.
And I remember I did a play called City Sugar where I was the lead. I was a radio guy in England with an English accent.
Stephen Polyakov play called City Sugar. And I did it at this off-Broadway show.
He went to see, when he came backstage, and he was not like this, he was burst into tears and threw his arms around me. Yeah, like that.
I know. I know.
Well, I can't relate. Anyway.
I don't mean to interrupt, but I just realized something that, speaking of when you knew you wanted to do something. When I was a very young boy, my dad took me to downtown LA because that's where he used to work.
First celebrity sighting was something being shot. A warehouse door opens up, outruns Ben Vereen, and then outruns Jeff Goldblum shooting 10 speed and brown shoot.
Okay. And I was going to bring this up that the first time we met, I was TV was my was our life preserver when we were kids and

yeah Goldblum shooting 10-speed and brown shoot. Okay, and I was going to bring this up, that the first time we met, TV was our life preserver when we were kids.
And my brothers, Neil and Luke, and I were really into what's the new show, what's the new show. And we're constantly looking for what's the new show going to be.
It was a big deal back then. Now people are bombarded with TV and streaming all the time.
Back in the late 70s, early 80s,

it was a big deal like ABC's coming out

with its lineup in the fall

and all summer you'd be excited.

You'd hear rumors about what it was gonna be

and CBS is coming out with this

and NBC's coming out with that.

And there was this show that we heard about

called 10 Speed and Brown Shoe

and my brothers and I watched it

and it starred Ben Vereen and this guy I'd never heard of before named Jeff Goldblum and it was fucking fantastic. It was so good and I was like, who is that guy? Who's that guy? That guy's fantastic and then the show didn't last.
13 episodes as well. It was fantastic.
Bring it back. Steven J.
Cannell did, who had done Rockford Files and many other things. But I remember...
And what? Greatest American hero. Well, believe it or not, I'm walking on air.
So good. Please don't ask me to sing that one.
William Catt. Johnny Cash first sent that in.
Oh, we were walking on in. So I, you know,

but it's funny that we all

have, it's so funny that you bring that up, Matt,

because that is the

first time that I met

Jeff Goldblum.

I'm using your full name, just out of reverence.

You know, it would have been

a couple of years into the late night show that I met you

and you've, you know, you've done

I mean, everything. You'd have been in so many

great movies and

I'll see you'd have been in so many great movies and I went back into your dressing room and I was like 10 speed and brown shoe and I remember you were like oh yeah 10 speed and brown shoe because I thought you might say oh well who cares about that you know I've moved on to so many other things but it was such it really tickled me when I was a I don't know i was like um how old would i have been 14 15 well it's like 1980 i think so you were born in i was 16 17 so i was seven when i saw you guys shooting that and i just was baffled by the cameras and that you did it multiple times and going why are they doing it again and again really you were how did you wind up there what where my dad worked downtown and he would take downtown quite a bit. Downtown LA.
What did he do your dad? He was a division manager for the gas company. Oh, I see.
Well, he also sold drugs. Major kingpin.
So downtown, no kidding. And you just happened upon us shooting.
No kidding. And I was just blown away.
I remember, you know, it's so funny when you think about these brushes with show business. As we said earlier, I was so far removed from, you know, show business in my childhood.
And then I'll never forget, my father came home one day and he said, they're shooting a movie at my hospital, the Peter Brent Brigham Hospital, which is now Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston. It's a big hospital.
And he said, they're shooting a scene right outside my office. And we were like, they're shooting a movie in Boston? Near my dad's, like right outside my dad's office? That's impossible.
That can't be. And so we rushed over there and it was a scene where actor James Coburn just has to walk out and open a car door and get in it and shut the door.
he walked out. They go, and action! And so James Coburn walks up and he walks up to the car and it won't open and it won't open and they go, cut! The car's been, someone had locked it with the keys inside.
So then we watched James Coburn just stand there while three, like seven guys crowd around and start with a coat hanger trying to open the door. And I got to find out the name of this movie because I guess you could watch it.
What year would this have been? This would have been like 1971 or 72. We could look that up.
We could find out. And trying to lift up the door, and they couldn't get it.

And I thought, this is movie making?

Wow, yeah.

What the hell is this?

Well, still, one is struck by that when you go to some movie, and there's all the little things going on.

Hey, I love James Coburn.

You know, I saw the first run of Iron Man Flint.

Oh, my God.

In like Flint. Oh, we're back.
Yeah. Do you remember how the telephone rang in Lee J.
Cobb's office? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have no idea what you're talking about. Okay, this was kind of almost a takeoff on James Bond, but not really.
I mean, it was very silly. Derek Flint.
Derek Flint. Yeah.
And then Austin Power had kind of borrowed some things like that, kind of went like that. What is the James Coburn movie? I've got to find that out.
I'll bet. Let me guess.
Let me guess. After that, I think after that, he did a movie called The President's Analyst.
You know, it could have been that. Oh, yeah.
You know, I remember him talking about it on talk shows. I used to love talk shows when I was in Pittsburgh.
I used to tune in to, in summer, stay home all day and watch the Mike Douglas show. Go from Mike Douglas to, you know, Dinah Shore and Merv Griffin.
And he used to come on. Remember, he was kind of a counter-cultural, hippie actor then.
And he used to come on with a turtleneck, you know, or in a medallion or something like that. And his act, he used to come on, not just talk, he wanted to play the gong.
And he used to bring onto Carson a big, big gong and go,

you know that that was his act you know we had you know what i love in the tradition of just to just to let people know that we did our best during my late night run to keep the uh the

madness going you talk about you know how people would just do strange things uh one of the

stranger things we did once was we just put out a salt lick on my show to see if we could attract a celebrity. And then you did it so nicely.
Out of nowhere, just Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, just in the corner, but he does it sort of like a nervous deer. And he slowly approaches and I'm like, oh, it like Jeff Goldblum.
Shh, everyone be quiet. And he came out, and then you like sniff, sniff the salt lick, and then you took a little lick.
I remember that being one of my favorite. Such a stupid, I don't care.
So James Coburn played the gong with Carson. Yeah, let's see, let's see you have Jeff Goldblum.
What do we got for Coburn? Coburn is the Carey Treatment. Carey Treatment is a 1972 American crime thriller film by Blake Edwards baseball.
Yes. It takes place in Boston.
In Boston. Dr.
Peter Carey, played by James Coburn. Yes.
He's a pathologist who moves to Boston where he starts working. Okay, well, I'm not.
I don't know it, but Blake Edwards, boy. Well, guess what? So this is another fun story.
My dad's there. This didn't happen when I was there.
They kept shooting this right outside my dad's window, and he kept thinking, well, I could keep looking under this microscope for a cure to a terrible disease, or I could go outside and hang out with these movie folk. So he went outside, and he's chatting, and he can't believe it, but Blake Edwards is there with his wife, Julie Andrews.
and a friend of my dad's who doesn't know much because he's always looking in a microscope

is it but Blake Edwards is there with his wife Julie Andrews and a friend of my dad's who doesn't know much because he's always looking in a microscope is talking to Blake Edwards and then he turned to Julie Andrews and said the friend of your dad's the friend of my dad's and said now tell me miss what do you do oh no oh no and she said well I'm you know an actress as well and he went well And then later on, told him what he did and the guy I think put his head in a cyclotron it's like that scene from Notting Hill when you know Julia Roberts comes in yeah I know that reference yes there you go we're getting closer and closer to her references when you said Julie Andrews I was like yeah she narrated Bridg, she narrated Bridgerton. So I know her.
And you know what? Oh my God. Sound of music, sound of music.
I'm kidding. You know, when the Thanksgiving Day Parade, when I lived in New York, we lived on the Upper West Side and my kids were crazy about seeing, you know, the parade go by.
And so I'd always take them, they were little kids to see the parade. And once I'm watching on the television and we haven't gone down yet and the parade is going by.
And then they said, and here comes Julie Andrews. I lost my fucking mind.
I'm at the time, you know, I'm whatever. I'm a 46 year old man.
I ran without my kids. Oh my God.
And I ran all the way down. They were like, where are you going? I was like, and I ran because I wanted to get down there fast.
And I saw her go by, and I was like, it's Julie Andrews. And I've been on TV at this point, you know, whatever, 12 years.
And I'm like, ah, Julie Andrews. I mean, she didn't see me, but.
Amazing. Yeah.
Amazing. How about the movie 10? She's in the movie 10, of course, too.
But Sound of Music, I saw when it first came out. You know, it was a big deal around that year.
And I showed it to our kids now. We showed Sound of Music.
We haven't shown them many movies. I'm going to show them.
They've never been to a movie theater, but I think I'm going to take them to see Jurassic World. Well, your kids are.
Seven, almost seven, and just turned five. Oh, my God.
Okay, so they're at such a great age. And because because of covid they've missed out on some of these great experiences like going to a movie theater is so that was the biggest thing in the world that could happen to me was to get to go to a movie theater and see a movie really yeah and so when i say to you know anyone in my family now hey do you want to go see a movie they're like i don't know i'm like i don't know what are you talking see anything they want at any time.
Right, right. Oh, yeah, going to movie theater.
I'm about to do, I'm involved in this cycle of publicity for Jurassic Park Dominion. And one of the things we're encouraging people to do, genuinely on my part, is to go out and see it in the movies, you know, of course.
And I made a list because of that. I thought, oh, what are the best times I've ever had in movie theaters in my life? Because it's a, you know, that's a way to talk about it.

And so I started to remember, and with the help of my sister, too, all the movies I saw importantly when I was a kid.

And she said, oh, remember this one.

And it's been a nostalgia blast.

So these are the movies that really blew you away.

Yes.

These are the ones we remember.

She and I used to go to, they used to drop us off to the Leona Theater, this big, beautiful jewel box of a three-tiered movie palace. In Pittsburgh? In Pittsburgh.
West Homestead, a suburb of Pittsburgh. Not downtown.
It's a little suburb, but they had this movie theater. And we'd go for, you know, 25 cents, 50 cents or something, whatever tickets were.
Get popcorn with butter and salt and hot dogs. So Jeff Goldblum is about to read a list of his favorite movies.
This is heaven for me. The ones that made a big difference that I can remember to this day.
Let's hear it. Okay.
We saw, see if these mean anything to you, The Absent-Minded Professor. Yes.
You know, Fred McMurray, Flubber, all that. That made a big impression on me.
The Blob. Oh, the original? Which I've seen recently.
Steve McQueen, very good. His first movie, you know.
Now, who was, of course, you'll know who was in all of these movies, which we saw. You know, we saw whatever that came to there.
But during this period, the 60s, you know, early 60s, the bellboy, cinderfella, disorderly, orderly, visitor, small planet, geisha boy. Of course, the nutty professor.
Delinquent, rockabye, baby nutty professor. Yeah, loved it.
Then I got the chance to meet him. Did you ever meet Jerry? I did.
I got to meet him. I got to interview him.
That's so interesting. Well, we could talk all about that.
Well, did you meet Jerry Lewis? Yes, I did. I was going to play his son in that last movie that he did, Augie Rose.
Augie Rose? Augie? Oh, no, no. Max Rose.
Max Rose. And so I went to Vegas.
I was almost going to do it before I got something else and couldn't. And so I hung out with him in his office in Las Vegas.
How was he? And bonded. Amazing.
We could talk for, you know, amazing. He'd made a big, he was big in my childhood and during this period.
He was a massive star. So I thrilled to meet him.
And he was, you know, as you know him at that stage, great, you know, great and complicated. Very complicated.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Right.
But those movies, when we were seeing those movies, big deal. Do you know what this movie is? The Sterile Cuckoo? No.
Liza Minnelli's first, Liza Minnelli's first movie. She plays a kind of a nerdy girl.
The Sterile Cuckoo. Sterile Cuckoo is coming.
Terrible name for a movie. It is.
Nobody wants to. Sterility is never something that draws the masses.
Yeah. No.
Come on. Come on.
Bring the family. The Sterile Cuckoo.
That cuckoo's not having children. How about this movie? Who knows this? I don't think you will.

Georgie Girl.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, there.

Georgie Girl.

Walking down the street so fancy free was played by.

Redgrave.

Lynn Redgrave, whom I worked with later, believe it or not.

Oh, well, Bridge on the River Kwai.

We saw the first viewing of.

The man who shot Liberty Valance.

Yes.

I love that.

Hush, hush, sweet Charlotte. How about, you know, Betty Davis and Joan Crawford together.
Gay Perry, P-U-R-E-E. About an animated movie about, in an impressionistic style, French impressionist, about cats.
And I think Robert Goulet did a voice, you know. Great, Dr.
Noah from Russia with Love. Goldfinger, fantastic.
Iron Man, Flint, I have Pink Panther, the first Pink Panther. Now you put me.
We went to a movie theater and there was Peter Sellers, never seen before as Clouseau, Blake Edwards, unbelievable. I remember the day we saw that.
Those movies changed my life. Bobby D and I went, my best friend went to that theater to see Psycho, first time run of Psycho.
Unbelievable. I just spent some time with Jamie Lee Curtis in CinemaCon.
You know what's so great about, there were all these great, they don't do it anymore, but there were these great promotional tricks that they did back in the day to get people to come see movies. And Alfred Hitchcock was a genius at this.
So when Psycho came out, he had like ambulances outside the theaters. and he very much publicized, we're going to have medical personnel available for people who faint or have seizures during this terrifying movie.
And people went mad for it. And there was like a do not be late for this one.
Remember, he would say, we won't let you in after the first. Yeah, yeah, we won't let you in.
Do not tell your friends what happens and he did all that stuff he did it with the birds he did he had all these great i mean what a great showman he was in addition to being that you know this incredible birds was another movie we saw first run uh i loved that day that we saw that but then we went oh i had a crush on this girl and we went i went on a field trip hoping to kind of be near her i had not made any head headway. And we saw Hard Day's Night.
What girl did you have a crush on? Stephanie Ignatz. Oh, I thought you said, oh, okay.
I thought you meant you had a crush on a girl in the movie. No, not in the movie.
Those were fellas. They just had long hair.
In ninth grade. In ninth grade.
No, Stephanie. And she was going, so I was going to tag along, too.
Have you ever kept up with Stephanie Ignatz? You know, I am. have her here today Here she is A little bit Oh my God, look out She's deranged Some 10 or 15 years after this period We got in touch and we saw each other She went out to California And, you know, I saw her Okay, okay You saw her but she didn see you.
You followed her from a distance. Oh, no, no.
Not like that. They saw each other.
Oh, okay. He closes the deal.
It's like that. He understands.
Oh, I'm making it clear. What I do is I look them up and then I just, I peer at them through shrubbery from 50 yards away.
Oh, my God. Yeah, that's my, when I say, oh, I saw her, that's what I mean.
Norman Bates. Speaking of Norman Bates.
Yeah, I know. Threw a hole in your office wall.
Oh, man. Yes.
He's got them all over this building. It's horrible.
I have to ask you, speaking of movies, we have to talk about- Because in Jurassic Park, in this character that you played, Dr. Ian- Yeah.
What's the last name? Malcolm. That's right.
Malcolm. Yes.
You, I mean, God, you nailed that character so much. And now you're coming back and you're assembling with the same people to bring these people back to life.
Yes, sir. So who else is with you in this? Laura Dern? Laura Dern, of course.
The great Laura Dern, the great Sam Neill. So the three of us from the first movie are back together for the first time since then.
Right. And we're reunited and have something to do with in this story with Bryce Dallas Howard's character and Chris Pratt's character.
But also B.D. Wong is back from the first one.
And Omar. That's great.
Yeah, isn't that great? And Omar Sy from most recently.

And Daniela Polneda and Justice Smith.

And wait a minute, wait a minute. And new characters, Dewanda Wise, Mamadou Aceh,

and Campbell Scott are in this.

Isabel Sermon comes back.

So it's great.

Do you think about, I mean,

this is something that I think would be worthwhile

for you to settle with for a second, is that movies were such a big deal for you growing up. You've now been in a bunch of movies, and you think about Jurassic Park, so many young people, that was an eye-opening experience for them, and you were a big part of it.
It's interesting how the loop closes in a strange way, isn't it? It's fascinating. I a dreamy life that i've had i can't believe it i'm very grateful and it's amazing that i have got a chance to be in some movies and some movies with people like i've said that i saw early on uh it is uh amazing it's i have to say that that is something and i brought this up before but also i've had a dreamy life and getting the chance to just, to me, getting to interact with someone I saw on a movie screen or a television set when I was a child.

Yeah.

Nothing tops that. Yeah.
And, you know, there are all these massive stars that come along later on in life and it doesn't have the same effect as meeting someone like a Dick Van Dyke or meeting someone who was in a movie and a huge deal when you were a kid like Jerry Lewis, you know, or, you know, seeing a Julie Andrews on a parade float go by.

And even though she's 50 yards away, I can't believe that.

Oh, wait, I saw you there as a child, and now you're still here.

Life is magic.

Amazing.

Vincent Price.

We saw some Vincent Price movies.

He was in The Fly, the first Fly, which I saw back then.

I think I saw him in a Ralph's later.

You saw Vincent Price at a Ralph's?

I do believe so.

I think I went up to him.

Yes, yes.

He was, you know, picking out melons or something. Yeah, he was a big chef, you know.
Oh my God. It's too bad Bill Hader isn't here.
Because he does, Bill Hader does the best Vincent Price of all. And he'd be going, you know, I don't do it, but he'd be here doing Vincent Price at a Ralph's.
We should remind him of that. Yeah.
No, we should do. We will be seeingalphs we should remind him of that yeah no we should do we will be seeing him soon we should remind him of that because vincent price edda ralphs and i used to you know when i first moved out here to la a long time ago in 1988 my brother neil came out and visited me and there was a ralphs across the street and he kept seeing all these huge stuff he saw cesar romero oh the joker and he'd be he'd come back and he'd go i saw him and they're like, what is he? He was buying, uh, he saw Cesar Romero.
Oh, the Joker. The Joker.
And he'd come back and he'd go, I saw him. And I'm like, what is he? He was buying dog food at Ralph's.
He was always going to Ralph's and he would hang out there and he would go right up to them and go, I loved you as the Joker. Or I saw Harry Morgan from MASH.
And then he would always tell me what they were buying. He was buying He was buying a giant thing of beans, you know? It always never matched.
Like, I saw Cher. What was she getting? Industrial strength toilet cleaner.
Oh. Oh.
I didn't want to know that. She would never.
She would never. I was so crazy about it.
I hadn't met anybody famous or who was in movies when I was a kid. And the first couple of brushes I had, who did I first, we went on a vacation.
And who was staying at this hotel was Darren McGavin. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. He's great.
Of the Night Stalker. Yes.
I was like, do you think we'll see him at breakfast? I never went up to him, but I was just, when are we going to see him again? You know. He's the dad.
In Christmas Story. In Christmas Story, he's the dad.
Oh, he is? Okay. But he's also one of the great, he's also in The Natural.
Yeah. Obviously, he's one of the villains in The Natural.
He's got one fun guy in that. And, but he did, I think, maybe my favorite show as a kid.
Oh, Kolchak. Was, he played Carl Kolchak in The Night Stalker, which was the scariest show on television.

It only ran, I mean, maybe it ran two seasons, if that.

It was not a success, but it was such a scary show.

I have that on DVD.

Do you?

No, it's fantastic.

It's so good.

It's fantastic.

I've never seen them.

I don't know.

And Darren McGavin was fantastic.

And I got to, I don't think he ever did my show, but I got to meet him once. And yeah, my soul left my body.
I was so excited. I couldn't believe I was meeting him.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
So yeah, I'm back in this movie now. And yeah.
Coming out June 10th, you brought it up. That's your, I love that you went, so anyway, back in this movie and well, June 10th, you brought it up.
That's your, that's your, I love that you went, so anyway, back in this movie and, well, da-da-da-da-da-da, June 10th, you brought it up. I just, I love that.
I was just trying to remember where we got off that. Yeah.
But next on my list was Diary of a Madman, Vincent Price and Tomb of Ligeia. He was, he was a big deal to us.
You know, some of those Roger Cormans. I was a teenage Frankenstein.
I was a teenage werewolf. Two horrible movies, but interesting.
Ego. Did anyone ever do, I was a teenage teenager? I'm just curious.
It would be kind of meta, but I'd do it. That's a good idea.
Yeah? That's a billion dollars. It's a teenager who then turns into a teenager who's just slightly older.
He's like 15 and he turns 17? He turns into a 16-year-old. Oh, okay.
He's a 15-year-old and he goes in a a corner, and it's like, and then he comes out, and he's a 16-year-old. He can legally drive, but doesn't know how to, and that's the whole movie.
Yeah, he can legally drive, but he can't, but he has the same amount of acne. What a terrible movie.
I think it's a great movie, and I've got the rights. Okay, no one's gonna fight you.
Oh, yeah, well, you can have them. I remember when TV shows would come out, what you were talking about, when, you know, the new lineup.
Boy, I loved Friday nights when Wild Wild West would come on.

Yes, huge.

Oh, boy.

Robert Conrad and Ross Martin, who played-

Yep.

Ross Martin.

Artemis Gordon.

Artemis Gordon.

Artemis Gordon.

Right, yeah.

King Kong vs.

We left that open for you, so you didn't take it.

Really?

What?

No, I don't know.

How about Gigo?

Nobody knows the movie Gigo.

I don't know.

Jackie Gleason.

Jackie Gleason.

He plays a mute dead, kind of a village idiot. Oh, it's the first movie I ever cried at.
It's heartbreaking. I'm crying hearing about it.
You're mentioning a bunch of movies that had a huge impact that I don't know. You'll know this one.
Jason and the Argonauts. Yes, of course.
All that Ray Harryhausen stop motion stuff. Yeah.
Magical day, magical day. Vertigo did see the first run of Vertigo.
Maybe my favorite Hitchcock movie. Speaking of Hitchcock, you know Vertigo? I don't.
It's not my favorite. Really? Yeah, I'm sorry.
Bernard Herrmann does the score. Wonderful music from that.
But why don't you like Vertigo? I didn't say I didn't like it. I just have the Hitchcock films.
What's your favorite Hitchcock? Wow, it's got to be Psycho. I also like Strangers on a Train.
Oh, that's a yesteryear. Yeah, that's interesting.
Farley Granger. Farley Granger was in that.
I met Farley Granger. You can't just say a name twice and have it have more impact.
Yes, you can. Yes, you can.
Farley Granger. Farley Granger.
I think he's proven that he can. You know what would be great? I think you'd be a great prosecuting attorney because you'd say, you know, the killer is, of course, Steve Miller.
Steve Miller! And people would be like, well, he's got to be guilty. He said his name twice.
Steve Miller from the band? Yeah. Well, I just threw a name out there.
What's a common name? He's not suspicious in any way. He's the gangster of love.
He's got to be guilty. He said his name twice.
Steve Miller from the band? Yeah. Well, I just threw a name out there.
Oh. Yeah.
What's a common name? He's not suspicious in any way. He's the gangster of love.
He's got to be guilty. Oh, God.
That's true. That's true.
I stand by that. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah.
What were we talking about? Whose name? You were listing. Oh, Farley Granger.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know who introduced me to Farley Granger? Shelley Winters, whom I met on this movie called Next Stop Grinch Village that Paul Mazursky directed in 1975. I came out here, and we were kind of palsy.
Shelley Winters. Lovely woman.
She was lovely. She was on our show in the early years, and I loved her because I knew her mostly from Poseidon Adventure.
I know that one. Oh, that's fantastic.
You know, she was in the Poseidon Adventure, but she was also in Lolita. She's great.
Yes. Oh, she's great in Lolita.
She's great in Place in the Sun with Montgomery Clifton and Liz Taylor. Spectacular.
Hey, did you ever, did you ever meet Liz Taylor? I did not meet Liz Taylor. No.
I knew Liz Taylor. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
What was she like? Spectacular. Spectacular.
She, yeah, she was one of those people. There's a, it all depends on when you get into show business.
And I, you know, you need to get in at the, I missed, you know, I shouldn't say that. I got to meet all these amazing people who then passed away.
It makes me sound like a killer. I met them and then they were gone.
Suspicious, eh? But before that, but I will say that, you know, there are all these great stars that passed away, you know, before I came along in 93. And you think, you know, all the great, so many great stars from the, she had not passed away, but refused to take my calls.
Elizabeth Taylor. Yeah.
Wisely, very wisely. I don't blame her.
No. Right.
Who were we talking? Oh, so Shelly Winters, who was in place in the sun. Yeah.
And also, what did she win the Oscar for as supporting actress, as they were called in those days? What did she win for? She won for. Why did you become an evil German scientist? What did she win for? What did she win for? You will tell us what she won.
Just let me.

You will not leave until you tell us what Shirley Vin does fun for?

Supporting actress.

I dishow slitten.

Klein schlag.

Lotenstein slitten.

What was it?

Very good.

Patch of Blue.

Oh, okay. Patch of Blue with Elizabeth Hartman and Sidney Poitier.
The prisoner says, patch of blue, and he goes, ah! Okay, you can go. You're the first.
I'm putting that down because I- You can go. It is.
Did you park in our lot because we validate. Yeah, I did.

Okay.

The guy completely loses his fervor.

Patch of blue.

Oh, okay.

So you go out the way you came.

Just take the elevator.

I'm crying.

Do you want me to validate that?

Very good.

Yeah, I'm adding patch of blue because I'd forgotten it because we saw lilies of the field and guess who's coming to dinner all in the Sidney Poitier category. In any case.
So, Shelly Winters took me to Musso and Frank's for the first time. Oh, my God.
That is the ultimate experience. Me and her and Farley Granger.
Oh, my God. Yep.
Wow. She said, get the sand dabs.
Sand dabs. They're known for their sand dabs.
Nobody else serves sand dabs. You know the fish sand dabs? What is a sand dabs? At Musso Franks, you can get the sand dabs still.
What is it? A fish. Kind of a fish.
Kind of a fish that you get. Okay.
It's been fried often. Fried.
The fried sand dabs, kind of a soul, a variation of soul, I do believe. Wow.
I just, those, I mean, I live for those experiences. I live for the idea that you would see an iconic star in a restaurant and you would end up hanging out with them.
You know, someone you grew up watching on TV. And I was at some restaurant once and Warren Beatty was at another table.
And the next thing you know, I got invited over and I'm sitting with Warren Beatty. And he's, I mean, Bonnie and Clyde was such a huge deal to me.
I saw it first run with my friend. Yeah.
And then I'm sitting there with him and I just can't believe it. I'm supposed to play it cool, but then you can't because it's too big a moment.
Just too big. Totally amazing.
Splendor in the Grass even before Bonnie and Clyde my parents and I went to, we were in

New York City and I think we went

to Radio City Music Hall

saw the Rockettes and saw

Splendor in the Grass with

him and I think maybe

Natalie Wood.

I saw the Rockettes but I was 50

yards away. I was in shrubbery.

Just peering out. Such a creep.
Up in the catwalk. I'm the only guy that watches the Rockettes from a distance.
Peering through bushes. You know, you can buy a ticket and be first row.
No, no, no. I have my own way.
I like to do it. It doesn't do anything for me.
Yeah. I got to wait till all of them come out together into that field, and I'll be behind those shrubs over there.
What? How are you going to get them all out here? We'll have a salt lick. We'll get them out there.
A salt lick. You get up.
Look, we, I have to wrap this up. No, you mustn't.
I beg you. I beg you.
He expects a five hour podcast. We can do this.
It's okay. Okay.
We'll do it. We all need to be rehydrated.
No, I just want to, it's, my God. I want to get the word out.
Because this podcast, I'm not going to brag. You can brag.
A lot of people hear this podcast. 43 million, I believe, is the viewership.
In Hawaii alone. And so what I'm saying, that's just on Maui.
Everybody listens five times. Yeah, I read 43 million.
43 million. Very successful podcast.
Not for me to say. Let's not fact check that.
It's 43 million. Yeah, no reason to look into it.
But the point is, a lot of people hear it. And so when I say Jurassic World Dominion, Jurassic World Dominion is coming out, and that you are reprising your role as Dr.
Ian Malcolm, that is going to pack the theaters alone.

That alone.

That's big.

No one else would watch it otherwise.

I appreciate you saying that.

You're brilliant.

Because that's what they've said.

But that's what I represent.

You know, I represent a lovely company of investors and people.

All right, let's not turn this into a money thing.

No, emotionally, emotionally they're invested.

There you go.

Colin Trevorrow, the director.

Steven Spielberg is still at the top of the pyramid. Yes, godfathering this all the way through.
But let's be honest, you are the butts in seats of this movie. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I was going to say it.
Yeah, that's what I, that's how I felt. And as much as everyone else was spectacular, but you and one of the dinosaurs really, I can't remember which one.
It was one of the Velociraptors. The Velociraptors? It would be great if you got everybody back except one Velociraptor held out.
It's like, fuck it. The Robert Duvall.
Yeah, I was going to say Robert Duvall. Godfather 3.
Yeah, like, fuck it. You meet my price or I'm not showing up.
That's right. Can I just take a second to share my notes for this this episode of the podcast yes yes perfection erotic ideal yep wow that was just what wow there we go that really was yeah I got to we should do I have we have many more hours of fun to have you know you have to come you have to come back because my time with you is serious.
I'm going to be sincere.

It's hard for me to do that.

But you're one of my favorite people.

You really are. You too, me.

And I just absolutely love talking to you.

And it is whenever we're together, whether it's been on the show or this podcast, it is unlike any other experience I have.

And it means a lot to me.

And so when I heard that you were going to come in and inaugurate our new studio, my head blew up. It exploded.
Well, me too. I've been looking forward to this terrifically, and these are my favorite.
These are peak experiences for me. And people come up to me on the street anecdotally and say, you and Conan, you and Conan, you and Conan.
See, we've got to do something. They do.
Well, I think so, too. I've been screen tested, and apparently it's not good.
It won't be a film, but maybe an animated project. Something where my face is mostly hidden.
And you're singing authentically a lot. I like that.
And I just saw a documentary about, or some kind of thing about talk show, the history of talk shows and the current. Did you see this one? There are many of them.
I don't watch those. I love them all.
And this one particularly said, here's why amongst the current crop in the last few decades, Conan O'Brien reigns supreme. He's cracked the code and why he's at the pinnacle of what this needs to be right now, et cetera, et cetera.
Yep. Well, I saw it.
I'm not uncomfortable. I just don't believe that that exists.
They're talking about this Conan O'Brien? No, he makes a, and he makes a game. It's an Irish Conan O'Brien.
This guy makes a very good case for exactly why. It's a very erudite and- There is a guy named Conrad O'Ryan in Dublin who's huge.

And he's really cracked the code.

That's very cool.

Well, it's true.

It's true.

It's true.

Well, Jeff- And you all together.

I mean, I'm really struck with all of you.

Oh, come on.

Stop it.

Mopsession.

Mopsession.

You pronounced my name right.

Mopsession.

There should be a perfume.

Not Obsession, but Mopsession.

Oh!

I'm wearing the new-

Mopsession. What do you like.
I'm wearing the new Obsessian.

Oh, my God.

It's going to smell like garlic.

Yeah, I was going to say.

And goarly.

And goarly.

Is it, what's, how do you say, what's that vowel exactly?

Is it?

Gore.

Gore, like gore, like gore.

Gorely.

Garly.

Yeah, although when I went to Ireland, they said it's girly.

Ah, girly.

Is it really?

Yeah.

Well, they were just saying, you seem kind of girly.

Yeah, I think so.

Ah, you seem girly to me.

I said it's girly, because no, it's girly.

Oh, trust me.

We saw you walking down the street, and it was girly.

Well, you two, you three have made me very, very happy for many hours, and will continue

to be.

You have delighted us, and you're coming back.

I want to.

I want to, along with, you know, I've seen every single Schlansky. Oh, my God.
Every single Schlansky. Really? Really? No, we laugh out loud over and over again.
I see them multiple times. No, no, and it's all true.
That's the one thing. I've been in the darkest regions, darkest, most remote corners of the world.
And people will literally come out from behind a rock and say, Schlansky, is he being real? And I'll go, yes, he's being real. And then they go back under the rock.
You're never funnier when he's driving you mad. It's just great.
Oh, my God. Well, anyway.
We've got to get him back. You know what? I could go on.
Mr. Goldblum, Mr.
Jeff Goldblum, you're the finest man that ever lived. Conan Christopher O'Brien.

Oh, my God.

Yes, you are the finest man that's ever lived.

No, you're better.

Yeah.

Sorry.

You're better.

I'm taking you to a sizzler.

We're going.

Let's go.

Langustino.

Langustinos.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I'm so good at board games.

You ever played a board game with me?

I haven't, but I feel like-

Oh, I just destroy and work.

I'm just good at board games. You ever played a board game with me? I haven't, but I feel like you probably get really competitive.
I do, and if I start to lose, I flip the board over. That's why I have an unbroken streak.
I just always win because I just throw the board over, flip it over, and say, get out of my house. Okay, that's mature.
Well, it's a way to always win or never lose. Well, if you want to save time and win faster, you should do it with Monopoly expansions.
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They've sped up Monopoly. Hey, Monopoly does take some time.
Yeah, I know. If you don't have time.
It did. Not anymore.
Yeah. Baskin piles of money and free parking.

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What?

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Monopoly is a trademark of Hasbro. Hey, I have a question for you, Sana.
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Learn more at health.amazon.com. We have to just take a second here and wallow in the joyousness of Jeff Goldblum.
And we never do this. We talk to the guests, then we move on with matters.
But Jeff Goldblum came in here. He is just an energy field.
He is calming, but also enervating at the same time. He electrifies, solidifies.
There's no compromise. I have real nice thighs.
He's no no he's incredible he does it he's one of my I gotta say and I was really looking forward to seeing him today and then to see how happy he was to see you Matt Gourley and you Sonam of Sessy and he knew you as people he didn't a lot of celebrities they come in and, it's Conan. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
I've never heard that. I've never heard anybody say, oh my God, it's Conan.
I've never heard that. I know, I keep trying to get them to say it.
I know. I have a cue card I hold up.
I think Kato Kaelin was the only one. Kato Kaelin said it, yeah, but he was testifying.
Oh boy. No, but.
That's not funny. But anyway, no.

Please, murder.

When time passes, murders are okay.

Okay.

It's a laugh about.

Anyway, my point is that, you know, he saw me as a human being, not as some godlike creature.

And he was so thrilled to see you guys as well.

Oh, man.

He's a human electrolyte.

He just gives you energy, like you were saying.

And we know that he listens to all these segments and stuff, so this is as much for him, how much we loved him. Jeff, we absolutely love you.
We know that he listens to the podcast. So unless he's an incredible con artist who paid someone to listen, because he said, I can't listen to that crap.
Oh, no, no. No, unless he paid someone to listen and take notes.
You can put a test in there, Jeff. If you're listening this to prove it, come over to my house and watch some James Bond movies with me.
Oh, Nat, that got sad. Quick.
Just please come over. Yeah, I know.
Do you have friends? Oh God, no. You don't? No, not a one.
That just occurred to me. I don't know if you have friends and you have people that you podcast with and you shuttle from place to place podcasting with people you may not really know well on a human level, but do you have friends that come over and do the things that you like to do? Yeah, I'm a human being.
Well, I don't know. I've never heard you reference a friend.
Do you really think you didn't have any friends? I don't know. You know that I have friends.
Well, now Jeff Goldblum's my friend, so I do have a friend. Oh, now I'm not sure either.
Huh? You're not sure? Yeah. Jeff, come on.
Let's prove these knuckleheads wrong. Your friends are all people you saw on TV and movie when you were kids in your mind.
I'm E.T. Hey, last night I had dinner with Gumby.
Gumby? This is supposed to be a Jeff Goldblum praise session. Yeah, that's true.
I love him so much. Yeah.
He doesn't have to know who we are, me and Matt, and he does. That says a lot about someone.
Let me ask you a question. Ladies love that man.
Love him. And I understand because, you know, again, we have a similar frame.
Okay, don't do that. Don't do that.
I don't understand. Before you go down that road, No, but when I don't understand, no, I can handle it.
I can handle it. Why is it that there's a fork in the road? Confidence.
Swagger. Yeah.
Ease. You know how at a time, Porsche and Volkswagen had the same engine? Mm-hmm.
That's the difference. We're talking about it.
It's also, it's like, he's chill. No, I can handle it.

I really want to know. He is a chill person who seems very comfortable in his skin and very confident.
Not that you're not, but it seems like he's been that way much longer than you have. I feel like you went through a very awkward phase where you were like, oh, I don't like myself.
No. Was that, that was, that was me.
No, but what I'm saying is that it does amaze me that he does have something that I wish I had that I don't have. Oh, me too.
You know, and I'm being completely honest. He has, he does have an ease and he's always in the center.
He's always centered. I think that's incredible to be centered like that all the time.
And he's like a tuning fork that's perfectly vibrating with the universe. And I feel like I'm a, you know, like a- You're just a fork.
Yeah, like a fork that was eating clams, but someone didn't wash it afterwards, and then it fell in some sand. And it's got some clam juice and sand on it.
It's pretty good, yeah. Do you think we like him because he's nice to us? Oh, right.
Maybe if you tried being nice to me and Matt, then we would like mom. Maybe still not then.
You get a paycheck, right? That's not being nice to someone. You get a paycheck.
I'm your employee. That doesn't mean you're nice to me.
It's kind of worse because it's like you're paying her to be belligerent. The fact that you even thought about- Do you do okay with me? I do.
Yeah, I do. Would you say that, I mean, are there a lot of other people just sending you money besides me? Nobody else is.
Okay. Then I'm a good guy and I'm your friend.
No, you can't do it. That doesn't sign how nice this works.
It's not transactional. What are you talking about? Jeff Goldblum asks nothing and gives everything.
You are transactional. Do you get a paycheck from- Why are you pointing, you're missing the point, you're missing the point, you're missing the point, in a roundabout way I do, yes.
In a roundabout way. Full disclosure.
Okay, I didn't realize you, you were just here on a voluntary basis. No, I've seen you driving, since the podcast blew up, and suddenly you're driving a Bentley.
No. Yes, you're driving a Bentley on, you know, just on Hollywood Boulevard.
Yeah. You know, and.
Classic girls. And, oh, your license plate's suddenly Pod King and you're driving around.
You guys have both. Pod King is seven ladies.
And your kids wear these like crazy satin outfits that you have handmade for them now that the podcast blew up. And so both of you have, your lives have been changed by knowing me, which means you have to like me.
You have to. You know that's not how it works.
It should work that way. You can't buy friendship.
That's not how it works. Yes, you can.
No, you can't. That's why I moved to Los Angeles.
You can. No.
You can. Sonia and I are friends.
All of my friends work for me. And I'm very comfortable with that because if any of them piss me off, I can terminate that friendship very easily.
And you wonder why we like Jeff Goldblum more than you. I still don't understand it.
He's my favorite tall person. And he just exudes this like sense of ease.
And you know what? He doesn't have to pay me for me to like him. Yeah.
And that says a lot. This is interesting.
I have to look more into this. Into friendship? Into the concept of being nice? He leads with love.
You lead with fear. Yes.
Yes. No.
Stalin did that. Yeah, I know.
He controlled. Stalin.
Stalin. Joseph Stalin.
Dictator. Oh, so now we're gonna rip on Joseph Stalin.
You don't... I love how there's no sacred cows anymore.

Everybody gets torn down.

Everybody gets torn down.

Not Jeff Goldblum.

And now it's Joseph Stalin.

Jeff Goldblum.

Jesus, no one's safe in this hypersensitive era.

Jeff Goldblum is.

He's an angel.

He's an absolute angel.

He's otherworldly.

Just such a sweet person.

He might be an alien. He is.
He know, we should stick the landing on this. He is such an unusually, he's an unusual person.
There's no one else quite like him. And I do have to tell you that when I, in my travels, people always bring up to me, oh my God, I love it when Jeff Goldblum is on the podcast or he's on the show.
He brings an energy that immediately transforms the experience. I think we all are changed by him when we're in his – he creates like a biosphere, a Jeff Goldblum biosphere that's very enjoyable.
Yeah. Yeah.
And he remembers everybody. He's just – he like – when he looks at you, he looks at you and he knows your name and he remembers you.
And that goes a long way. I don't, again, I have a list of all the employees.
I can consult them. I don't think you even know my name.
I can go to Jeff Ross now. I don't need to.
All I have to do is go to Jeff Ross or Adam Sachs and say, the guy with the, you know, he's kind of a hipster and he lives in Pasadena. And they'll be like, yeah, Matt Gorley.
And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, tell him I wished him a happy Christmas.
I got to get out of here. My helicopter's waiting.
It's me. Wait, what? Yeah, my helicopter's waiting.
That's your helicopter. God, your helicopter Yeah Wait How does the helicopter No but mine is different Mine runs on Pure malice It's very eco-friendly It's also super pervy somehow Your helicopter Is Wow Mr..
Mr. O'Brien, you must really hate people today.
We've got 600,000 miles. I just get in it and put an electrode on my head.
Who are you mad at? And it leaves a noxious cloud of just pure bad intent behind me. Metaphorically, that's what's going on here.
All right. Well, anyway, Jeff Goldblum, if you're listening right now, naked in the lotus position as you meditate, as he does every night, we love you.
We do. We love you.
See you next week at my house for James Bond. Okay, let's cut it there.
Okay.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.

Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco,

and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Engineering by Will Becton. Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts,

and you might find your review read on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan?

Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

It, too, could be featured on a future episode.

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend

on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.
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