Jesse Eisenberg Returns

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Hi, my name is Jesse Eisenberg, and I feel... unconflicted, maybe for the first time in my life about something, but in this case, about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
That's so sweet. Yes.
Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell. Brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are going to be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.
Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
Sona is giggling away uncontrollably. I don't know what's happening.
Sona Mofsessi and I see, of course, Matt Gourley. Hi..
The whole gang's here. And feeling the holiday vibe.
Are you feeling it? Oh, I love Christmas. You do? I truly do.
You're a Christmas guy? I am, yeah. What do you, I'm guessing, do you go all out with the traditional stuff? Do you have lots of stuff you put out? Little holiday trinkets? I think so, yeah.
What do you mean I think? Are you okay? I'm afraid to admit it to you. I'm afraid to what you will tear into.
I'm a sentimental old sap about Christmas. Oh, that's nice.
Yeah. Are you, Sona? Yeah, I mean...
You have our... First of all, I know you celebrate it a little later on.
No, no. We celebrate American Christmas too, but we have a fake tree, which you guys got mad at me for when we were doing summer s'mores.
Yeah. And then we put a few things on, but we're not like the house people stop at when they're driving down the block and be like, oh my God, look at this.
I don't want to be that house. You don't? No, the house that has, oh, they have a thing now I saw an ad where they project.
You can put little projectors that project like candy canes. And snowflakes.
And snowflakes and little Santas and reindeer. And they crisscross your entire house, and I think, I would go insane.

What?

If I was in my house and that was being projected

and coming in through the window,

I think I'd lose my mind.

I don't know.

No, and you step outside to go get the paper,

and these lasers are firing candy canes into your eyes.

You get your paper in the nighttime?

Yeah, I get it delivered at night.

What?

When there's bad news, I want to hear it right away. The little guy, the paper boy comes back at night just for your house? Might pay him a little extra to come by at night.
It makes me feel, I don't want to read news in the morning. I want to read it at night.
And it's the only way to get it through the newspaper, I'm told. Hi, I don't know much about the internet.
But anyway, that looks like way too much to have something projected on the house. But I have a brother who's a fully adult man.
He goes all out on Christmas on the inside of his house. And I think that's really sweet.
I love that. I'm all four people going for it.
You know, it's funny every now and then someone gives me an ornament. I put it on the tree and then kind of forget about it.
And then it just shows up because

it all goes into a box and then it goes back on the tree the next year. And a couple of years ago,

Zach Braff was here and he gave me an ornament. It's him and Donald Faison hugging each other.

And I remember just coming home and like it was in my pocket and I'm like, what's this? And the

tree was up and I went, oh, okay. And I just put it on the tree.
Like three years go by. And I,

the other day I passed my. And I'm like, what's this? And the tree was up.
And I went, oh, okay. And I just put it on the tree.
Like three years go by. And the other day I passed my tree.
I'm like, what the fuck? Why is that Braff and Donald Faison hugging each other on my tree? I want that ornament. Is there any Conan ornaments? Did you ever make an ornament? There was a, you know, it is actually a sentimental memory, but our first season, we premiered September 13th, 1993, when I was a 30-year-old kid.

And the reviews were pretty much, this won't last.

And there was a late night with Conan O'Brien Christmas ornament that someone made and gave to me.

I remember to hang it on the tree in Christmas of 93

and kind of thinking,

well, at least I got this.

No, seriously.

And then all these years later,

I look at it,

and I'm like,

you showed them little ornament.

You know, it's got,

it's this nice little feeling.

I want to break that ornament.

I know you do.

You smash it.

When I go to your house, I'm just going to break it. Yeah, throw the Zach Braff, Donald Faison ornament at it.
Smashing it. But yeah, so I mean, I get sentimental.
I pretend I work really hard at not being sentimental, but I'm very sentimental. You like to play the Scrooge? I like to try to, but then I'm a total mush about Christmas time.
Here's a big divisive thing. Where do you guys fall on tinsel on a Christmas tree? Tinsel can go fuck itself.
You know what? So you've chosen a side. Yeah.
I have a little bit of an opinion. I'm not a tinsel person.
Growing up, there'd be some tinsel on our family tree, but I've never wanted it on our tree. I just, it just looks like shredded aluminum to me.
I agree. And, pets often eat it and you find it later.
Ew. Yeah, but it looks like someone left you a beautiful present of shit.
I try to get my dog to eat a bow, a red bow, so that later I can put it under the tree. I say, look what I got you, honey.
It's a shit bow. What? Yeah.
The really hard part is getting the dog to swallow a card that says, ha ha, this is shit. But if you can get it to swallow a bow and a card and the dog, and it all stays kind of together.
Ew.

It's fantastic.

It's such a good prank.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Happy holidays.

Happy holidays.

Yeah.

Aren't you glad you listened?

Hey, Merry Christmas, you two.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, you two.

And happy holidays.

Well, that's taken too far.

All inclusive.

Oh.

Well, just everyone.

I just want everyone to have a good holiday.

Be they Christian, be they not.

Did you want to give us like Christmas bonuses and cash right now or anything?

Oh, I could Venmo you.

Thank you. Well, just everyone.
I just want everyone to have a good holiday. Be they Christian, be they not.

Did you want to give us like Christmas bonuses and cash right now or anything? Oh, I could Venmo you. Okay, let's do that.
And Sona will probably tell you I know exactly how to Venmo people. That's the hardest I've seen Sona laugh in a while.
Says the guy who calls his wife when she's in New York and I'm in LA and goes, come, can you Uber eats me some chicken salad? Cause I got better, but there was a while there where I was petrified. I'm sorry.
It was new technology for a very old man. Oh my God.
And she, or she'd be in Seattle visiting her parents and I'd be like, um, I really liked that turkey burger. And she'd be like, yeah, yeah, you just get it.
It's, you know, it's on, what is it called? Chomp.net? That's it. Chomp.net.
Chomp.net? Throw a couple my way and I'll tell you which one. Grubhub.
DoorDash. DoorDash.
Postmates. Postmates.
Postmates. There it is.
I'd say, hey, honey, I like that turkey burger. And she'd be like, well, I'm in Thailand right now, in a meeting.
And I'd be like, yeah, yeah. And I'm asleep.
Yeah, yeah, I like that turkey burger. Can you get it on chompchomp.gov? And she'd say, do you mean Postmates? And I'd go, yeah.
Just send it over to the house. The turkey burger, no barbecue sauce.

I will say for anyone listening who thinks that Conan is joking,

I remember teaching you how to right click back at late night.

And you were like, oh, that button does something else.

Yes.

Yeah, I remember.

That's true.

You were young, a young fellow.

That's right.

This is back when I had a steam powered computer.

We had to wait for it to heat up to work. That's right.
You also used to make me say permission to come aboard before I could go into your office. Yes.
Even though your desk was literally like a foot and a half from the door and I could put something on it, I had to say permission to come aboard. And you would say permission denied.
Yes. And then I'd have to walk away.
You'd have a piece of paper and you'd go like, I got the research notes. And I'd say, what? And you'd say, permission to come aboard? And I'd go, permission denied.
I'd walk away. Now, I think that's quality leadership.
Anyway, shit bow. That's the way to go this Christmas.
Get your dog to eat a bow. And then give that to someone as a present.
Shit bow. Coming soon to a theater near you.
Theater? No, it's not a movie. I've lost my mind.
Merry Christmas. You put that up and then you put it up again.
It was a double wrap. Yeah, what we call in the podcast industry a double wrap.
You just slid the wrap at me. It's a wrap sign that you slid to me a second time and I just keep ignoring it.
That's what I'd do if I was a teller and someone slid a piece of paper

that said this is a robbery.

I'd say, yeah,

and another thing,

shitbo.

And then they'd slide it again.

This is a robbery.

Triple wrap.

Triple wrap that shit.

Get your dog to eat some tinsel

and you've got some shiny shit.

Look, we've got families

we've got to get home to

for Christmas.

And I'm trying to rob a bank.

Happy holidays, everyone.

Christmas.

Or whatever. Yeah.
All right, you guys. Let's get serious.
You deserve. Chippo like 40 times.
Quit screwing around. And enough with the poo-poo jokes.
My guest today is an actor, director, author, and playwright who's probably left after that intro, who has starred in such movies as The Social Network and Zombieland. Now you can see him in his new movie, A Real Pain, which he also wrote and directed.
And it's fantastic. I watched it and I love it.
I'm very excited he's here today. I'm a big fan of this gentleman.
Jesse Eisenberg, welcome. I'm going to quickly recap that I met you many, many, many years ago.
You did The Squid and the Whale. I think it was the first time I met you.
You must have been, how old were you then? I was 21. 21 years old.
I just adored you immediately, I think. And then I've mentioned this before, but several days later, one of the loveliest notes I've ever, handwritten notes I've ever received showed up.
I've mentioned this last time, but, and I thought there's something different about this person. He's oozing with like character and gentility in this kind of old world way.
And then you've gone on and you've had this extraordinary career.

Thank you.

And I'm just so happy for you.

Thank you so much.

And I feel like,

to pat myself on the back,

I feel like I called it.

Oh, okay.

This is about me.

I thought you were going to say you did it,

but you called it like you knew it was going to happen. This isn't about,

this is what I'm really good at,

pretending it's about, you know, Jesse.

Right.

But then it's about me. I called it.
That's right. Okay.
I called it. And me, I'm just the horse.
Blue Bell came in first. But I will say, like, just to that point, I remember right after I was so, first of all, I grew up watching.
Oh, maybe, sorry. I grew up, like, obsessed, obsessed, obsessed with you to the point where, like, literally my mom would sneak out after my dad fell asleep to go into my bedroom to watch your show with me.

So your dad's not a fan.

This is how my mind works.

Why did he hate me?

My new worst enemy, Barry Eisenberg of East Brunswick, New Jersey.

You know what's even sicker?

My immediate thought is, he saw the real me. That's how I feel.
But anyway, yes, he's the only one that truly knows. Um, but anyway, like, um, after we did the segment on your, on your show, um, you leaned over to me and you said, you seem like such a nice person.
And I remember it was so odd because that doesn't seem like one of the compliments you get in the entertainment industry. Right.
It doesn't seem like one of the boxes you might check,

you know,

you're a nice person that gets you nowhere.

Oh,

it does.

I mean,

it means a lot to me and,

uh,

and you've gone on,

um,

and I'll,

I'll mention this up front and we'll,

we'll talk.

There's so much I want to talk about and we're going to get to this film you made.

Uh,

you,

I mean,

let's,

let's take it off.

You wrote. Yes.
Directed. You co-star in it with kieran kolkin and this extraordinary cast yeah uh you made this film and it's absolutely beautiful thank you and it's got people ranting and raving in a good way yeah yeah yeah i've had people ranting and raving in not a good way um it's called A Real Pain.
And we'll talk about that. What was special for me was to watch this movie and see that, oh, you are a consummate artist.
You've made this beautiful thing with such aplomb. And it will endure.
I always have this connection with you from that time that you sent me that note. And I had that nice meeting with you and then here you are all these years later and you're doing extraordinary work and I'm just so happy for you.
That is so nice of you to say. Thank you so much.
Do you ever root for mean people? It's funny. Occasionally.
Yeah. Stalin did a lot of bad stuff.
Right. No, no, no, but I was, no, but I was, sometimes I'd be like, come on, you can do it, Stalin.
You can turn this around. And you were really young at the time.
I was very, I'm older than people think. Sure.
I was born in 1911, do the math. Uh, no, I, um, I can separate.
There are people who do excellent work and are not good people. And I do believe in separating the two.
You are a man who's, I think, has real character and you do exceptional work. I like it when the two come together, but they don't have to.
Got it. Do you know what I mean? Yes, of course.
And there are how many artists can you see, you know, whose work is hanging on the wall and you later learn,

or amazing athletes

who were absolutely deplorable human beings.

But I still applaud their athleticism.

Of course, perhaps even more so

because you don't want them to hurt you.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I mean, Stalin's been dead a long time

and I still talk him up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think he could still get me.

We talk about him a lot.

He could still get me. It's funny.
We probably have a few things in common. I grew up with my share of anxiety and hated going to school.
I didn't want to leave my house, but I still to this day can remember the carpool ride from my house on Kennard Road to the Michael Driscoll School every second thinking, okay, we're not there yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like just filled with that kind of, like your mouth tastes like aluminum. You have so much anxiety.
Yes. And I've later thought, well, I hate to say it, but it probably contributed some things to me.

I know.

And I know that you have this struggle too.

Yeah.

I've had many therapists and many people tell me, well, you didn't need that.

You'd have been, and I don't trust them.

No, me neither.

It's like Dumbo's feather.

I think I needed that.

I don't know where you come down on all this.

The exact same kind of confusion as you do and the exact same conversations with therapists as you've had. I always think, yeah, there was like maybe a parallel universe version of me that was kind of happy and is an accountant.
And so, but, you know, the painful thing is the thing that person told you is no you didn't need that and that's even worse you know because then it was just for nothing it was a waste of time i just feel like we got into jobs that no one was asking us ever to do like no one wanted you to host a tv show no one asked me to be still they still retroactively trying to still people are trying to like can we delete that that 30 years? No, but more and more, I think I'm here out of a weird compulsion that I don't have a control over. And I think about you and your anxiety and you are not the typical.
Hey, put that light on me. Right.
Because I'm ready to shine. See, I've got a song for you.
But something pushed this young, anxious kid. I mean, I know that you were so anxious as a child getting on the bus to go to school.
Yeah, yeah. You would cry.
That's right. And they had to kind of come up.
Well, you tell me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, no, I would cry. I cried every day when I got to school, but they didn't want me to cry on the bus.
The bus driver did not want me to cry because I guess it was probably dangerous for me to be weeping in the back of a huge moving vehicle. But basically.
I don't see why that's a danger. I'm trying to do the math and I don't see how it affects the operation of the vehicle.
Oh, no, it could. Yeah, I could see.
It could leak down into the transmission. I would use her sleeve as a tissue.
But basically, so no, right. So if so, so she set up the system where if I didn't cry every day until Friday, on Friday, she would give out Tootsie Roll pops to all the kids on the bus.
If I didn't if I made it through the week without crying on the bus. And so you would hear on Fridays from down the street, windows open on the bus.
Don't cry, Jesse. Don't cry, Jesse.
Oh, no. Yeah.
Oh, my God. But wait a minute.
This is so sick. It's not like the treat's just for you.
It's everyone else, which is creating this group thing. It's evil.
It's the equivalent of if you don't do all the pushups, everybody in this room has to do 10 more. That's insane.
You know what I mean? Yeah. And giving me ideas.
No, no, no, no. On how to run a podcast company.
Yeah, yeah. But, oh my God, that is wrong slash kind of ingenious.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all that stuff.
Listen, that was her wound and now she's an artist too, that bus driver. And an amazing athlete.
Yes, exactly. And that was her will to power.
But yeah I was just I was a miserable, miserable kid with good parents. I feel uncomfortable saying this in public because I don't like demonize my well-meaning good parents.
Yeah, I don't know. I was just like wired to be absolutely miserable.
And, you know, performing for me was kind of like an outlet, but not like an outlet. Like I feel myself here.
It was more just an outlet to literally just get out of school. Like if I got into a show, it meant I could leave early from school on various days and rehearse and be with adults, which was the only place at the time I felt like comfortable.
You have this great quote, when playing a role, I would feel more comfortable as you're given a prescribed way of behaving. And I thought that is, I understand someone's telling you all the anxiety you might have, Jesse, about what am I supposed to say or do in this one particular situation? But if you're in the seagull, you know, like, no, I'm supposed to enter and then I'm supposed to leave and shoot myself.
This is what I'm supposed to do. And there's a calm that might come with that.
Yeah, exactly. And not only a calm, but like catharsis because the characters are emotional.
And it's like the thing I feel all the time bubbling under my surface, but is inappropriate to do in public, you know, to have like an emotion or, you know, and also it's a burden on other people, of course. So I don't emote in public.
But like to have that catharsis, you know, is really helpful. You weren't just drawn to acting, specifically musical theater.
Well, that was like the thing that was like available. Like they weren't doing the seagull in, you know, community theater, New Jersey, you know.
They were doing the musical version of it. I got to go and commit suicide.
Everybody had jazz wings. But so, you know, so that's just like what was happening in children's theater at the time where I lived.
You know, now I see a wonderful chasm between me and musical theater in terms of like performance style. That's not where I would shine these days.
It's funny because now I'm having this other like flashback memory of I don't know if you remember this, Sona, but when we were doing the shows during COVID. Yeah.
I think you were one of the first people. Yes, that's right.
You may have been, you may have been the first guest I talked to. COVID hit, all the shows shut down.
Then we all came back, I think on the same day and we were doing virtual interviews, Zoom interviews.

And I think everyone else really had their shit together and they were talking to guests who were in their home,

but with state-of-the-art Zoom.

And I was very excited that you were gonna be

like the first guest back.

Oh, great, we got Jesse Eisenberg.

This is gonna be great.

And your family had gotten into a van

and you were just driving across America.

I think to try and escape COVID in a van in America,

which doesn't work by the way.

But I remembered you having possibly the worst zoom signal I've ever seen.

And this was on television.

You could probably look it up and see it,

but it looks like I'm talking to,

it looks like it's 1962 and I'm talking to a Russian cosmonaut who's in space. Exactly.
Yuri Gregorian, how are you? And then it would go out and then you'd come back in again. And occasionally I could see, you know, like your family in the background.
Yeah. Trying to swat away COVID.
And there was a coyote. Exactly, right.
It was craziness. Yes, wow.
Yes, exactly.

You know, I was like at a KOA,

like a campsite, you know,

where we stayed overnight.

Right, right.

And the KOA is known for a lot of things,

but not the Wi-Fi.

So yeah, it was pretty bad.

Yeah, sorry about all that.

Oh, no, no.

Hey, I'm remembering it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I remember is,

those are the things I remember in show business.

There have been many, you know,

flawless, perfectly executed technicolor interviews that I'll never remember.

Yeah.

But I just remember you in a baseball cap and your family trying to outrun a virus in a van.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Long story short, it caught up with us.

Yeah.

Caught up with a lot of us.

Yeah.

Yeah. Ultimately.
Yeah. The only one who didn't get it, Sona, who ate garlic, right? Yes, I ate garlic.
Lots of garlic, lots of lemon. But I did eventually get it.
Right. So even garlic can't outrun COVID.
Wow, not even the root. Garlic.
Not even the root. I know.
But you know, Gorley, who's not here, has never had it yet. Really? Yeah.
He's never had it. Maybe he's out with COVID right now.
He could be. He could be.
And Eduardo never had it up until like a month ago. Oh, wow.
Yeah, I know. Isn't that crazy? Are there people who are immune to it? Like, actually? I have no idea.
I thought I was a mutant. Yeah, of course you must have.
And you were around people, right? Who, of course, had it. Oh, and he got real cocky about it.
And he said, he kept, he was always shouting, COVID can never get me. Yeah.
Remember? That's right. And if someone had COVID, he would, he would grab them and open mouth kiss them.
Right. He got me too a couple of times for that.
And then finally you ordered a hamburger and you said, put a little extra COVID on it. And you finally caught it.
Got it. So it was ultimately was your fault.
Yeah. It's on fault.
In my stories, it's always the other person's. Put a little extra COVID on it.
Yeah. Hey, I said I wanted COVID.
I want two scoops. Make it real COVID-y.
You call this COVID? Jesus Christ. I want to talk about San Diego for a second.
I love San Diego. San Diego is a place that inspires optimism, positivity like no place else.
I've thought about it. I've been to Paris.
Yeah. You know, I've been to, I've been to Shtod.
Gross. I've been to some of the greatest cities in the world.
All of them suck. They all blow compared to San Diego.
With friendly and down-to-earth people, year-round sunny weather, dynamic city experiences with a small beach town vibe, it's the quintessential beach city. We used to do our Comic-Con shows there.
I loved it. I met my husband there.
I know. Yeah.
I arranged it. Oh.
San Diego's unique sunny outlook is fueled by good vibes and a unique outdoor lifestyle with a wide range of experiences to make your trip wonder a member.

They got 70 miles of coastline to explore.

Unparalleled scenic beauty from the deserts to the beaches.

They have it all.

They really do.

They've got all these activities for kids and parents.

You could go kayaking.

You could take a trip to the world-famous San Diego Zoo.

Maybe a day at Balboa Park.

Hello.

I love those weeks we did at Caracom.

You met your husband there.

Yes, thank you.

I arranged it.

Anyway.

Stop saying that.

Thank you. I arranged it.
Anyway. Stop saying that.
Hey, you, here's $20. Go over and talk to her.
$20? Yep, he did it. Happiness is calling.
Aw, man. Plan your trip at sandiego.org.
Funded in part with City of San Diego Tourism Marketing District Assessment Funds. Your next Family Crime Saga Obsession is now streaming on Paramount+.
Mobland, an explosive new series from the underworld of Guy Ritchie.

Stars Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan, and Helen Mirren.

Go inside the Harrigan crime family who will stop at nothing to ensure they come out on top

in a war that threatens to topple empires and destroy lives.

New series, Mobland, now streaming on Paramount+. Sure, we got blue jeans, baseball, bald eagles, but come on, there's really nothing as American as the burger, right? And there's nothing more burger than the Sonic Smasher.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, this thing is made to order. Hand smashed, Angus beef patties seared to perfection with those incredible crispy edges that make you want to start a slow clap.
You know what I'm talking about? That kind of slow clap where you're like, yeah, Sonic, you brought the Sonic Smasher. Then there's the layered melty cheese, crinkle cut pickles and onions too.
On top of it all, On my mind splitting, try the Sonic Smasher as a double. Or why not? God forgive us all.
A triple. Make the Sonic Smasher your next new favorite burger.
Live free. Eat Sonic.
I gotta ask you, I know you did Zombieland with him.

And so I have to ask you about Woody Harrelson

because he's an unsolvable mystery to me.

And I ask because he, in my little podcast company,

he does a podcast, a very good podcast that he does.

Oh, right, with Ted Danson.

With Ted Danson, they do it together in this very room.

And whenever I encounter Woody,

I'm convinced he's not real.

I'm convinced he's not a real person

in all the best ways.

I adore him.

I get it.

I love him.

There's something,

he is an icon

and in some ways

like emblematic

of what we think of as like,

for me at least,

Americana.

And we were working together

for the last four months

up until last week. We just finished doing a movie and in Budapest together.
Now you see me three. It was our sixth project together.
And I still have that feeling that he transcends the species somehow. I don't know.
It is he says he's fascinating. He's a fascinating creature.
The way I've like been able to codify him in my mind just recently is the following. He is a truly eccentric artist masquerading as an everyman.
Yes. I really think so.
I believe that. He's actually an eccentric artist with very unusual taste, but he's just been embraced.
And I think it's not by his own decision or intent, but by America as the person as like the person we can all agree on yes you know what i mean yeah it's like him and paul rudd are the people that everyone's agreed they're we love them they're great yeah you know i think so yeah but woody has a special cultural thing too because he has a midwestern he has a southern twang and a midwestern charms he grew up in ohio and texas and so there's something culturally i think also a little confusing because he's also hippie and you know he has a weed store down the block here so there's like i think there's so many wonderfully contradicting things happening that we all feel he's with us and we've i mean mentioned it but it was a big episode here but it was you may not be aware of this, that I was here with

Ted and we were waiting on Woody and they said he's good. He's, and then we got this message.
Yeah. Woody's running late.
He was in a motorcycle accident. And I was, I was saying he was in a motorcycle accident.
Let's all rush to the hospital and go make sure he's okay. And they're like, nope, he's just going to be 15 minutes late.
And he showed up 15 minutes late and he had gone like ass over tea kettle, over the hood of a car,

not wearing armor,

and Ted... be 15 minutes late and he showed up 15 minutes late and he had gone like ass over two kettle

over the hood of a car right not wearing armor yeah and ted bandaged him and then we did the podcast oh my god and i'm and he's like i'll be all right man you know what i'm like no yeah you're no what are you doing a week later we were shooting a movie in budapest that was like right after that oh was it right yeah yeah i'm also uh furious with him because he pulled me aside and said hey man you want to go 50 50 with me on a houseboat in amsterdam and i'm like to co-own a houseboat in amsterdam with woody harrelson i could dine out on that for the rest of my life and so i said yes yes and said, don't you have to talk to your wife? And I said, no, I'm just saying yes right now. He said, do you need to see pictures? I said, no.
Even if I've never seen it. Of course.
I'm going to tell people, yeah, Woody Harrelson and I co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam. Three days later, we don't talk.
He's taping a podcast right in here

and he's talking to Flea.

And on air he goes,

hey Flea, you want to go half and half on a...

And I practically crashed the door down. And I'm like yelling at him, you never intended.
He was just laughing in my face. Okay, to be fair, he doesn't know fractions.
So...

He is sold, it's like that con man who sold- A million halves. Yeah.
You each get a half. Yeah.
All thousand of you. Now if I could just leave town with this suitcase full of cash.
Yeah, he's the music man. The Monterey.
He's the music man. Yeah, or the Monterey.
It's Lyle Landley. Yeah, exactly.

But one of the things I love the most about being in this business is just meeting all these characters, these authentic people. And I just and just to me, that's the price of admission.
I mean, it's worth everything. It makes it all worthwhile.
Let me ask you this though. Like how much eccentricity do you think is manufactured by people trying to be interesting? I think, um, I think it's less.
Yes. I know what you mean.
I think there's eccentricity that's manufactured by celebrities, famous people, whatever you want to call them, people of note. There's some eccentricity.
I think the thing that's manufactured the most is difficulty. I think that's what I've noticed.
Purposely manufactured. Purposely manufactured difficulty because it almost creates a sense of importance.
Sometimes I think when someone's being very difficult or there's a lot of demands and they have a giant entourage and everything has to be just right. I think this person's unhappy.
This person is trying to create something because they don't feel authentic enough. But what they'd be doing would be compromising potentially being liked.
And when do those two things come into conflict in a way that still makes them demanding? Right. I mean, I wish I could answer the question.
I just have seen it a a million times right uh and it always feels like it's coming from the same place of needing to feel externally important because something is missing i know that when i was doing the late night show bruce springsteen came to perform and he showed up himself right and he's wearing a flannel shirt he's hanging out in the hallway and afterwards someone bought a case of beer and we all cracked it open. We were standing around drinking beer because he didn't need validation.
He didn't need that. And then occasionally there's someone who they're not even the number one name on the call sheet or of the show they're on.
And there's a lot of demands. Of course.
Yeah, that's always the case. And I'd like to keep the limo afterwards.
Right. And I'd also, when I get there, this is what the temperature should be.
Right, of course. And to me, that's the pathology of a little bit.
Of course, that makes a lot more sense, of course. And when you meet an authentic person, there's something, there's a little piece of zinc in our brains as humanoids.
We know, oh, okay, this person is authentic. This Woody harrelson guy is not making shit up he's real do you know what i mean well some stuff is made up um i mean the yeah the cell phone tower you know i mean but yes yes yes well i think he believes it that's true the truth is he believes it that's what's made up is that he has a houseboat in Amsterdam.
That's the bullshit.

That doesn't even exist.

What if it's just you and Flea who own this houseboat?

That's what's going to be.

That's cool too, though.

No, it's not the same.

Flea's just going to be doing bass scales the whole time.

Really fast.

And I'd be like, Jesus, Flea.

Do you know another instrument?

Wait, you guys are living in the houseboat?

I don't understand why you're so... Yes, that's the whole point.
When Jesse and I get a houseboat, which is going to happen, Jesse, we're going to live there together. Yeah, if you have the houseboat, why would you not live there all the time, even when you have to go visit your families back home? You stay in the houseboat in Amsterdam.
This actually leads me to your film. Naturally.
Which it does. It does.
It leads me to your film. Naturally.
Which does. It does.
It leads me to your film because A Real Pain co-stars you, Kieran Culkin, as cousins. I saw a trailer first for I Saw the Film As Often Happens.
And the second I saw you and Kieran together, I was just, oh, this is going to be great. Because I adore both of you.
I think you're both fantastic actors, but you also both play very well, different registers. The two of you play these cousins who in many ways could not be more different.
For a movie that has a lot of dark and meaningful subtext, you two are so funny and real together. Oh, thanks.
It's really beautiful. Yeah, it's funny because I hadn't really seen his work ever.
I mean, really, I just had this instinct that there was no one else on the planet who could do it. I met him at an audition for this movie Adventureland.
I was already cast in the movie, and he came to audition for it. And in the audition, he like literally grabbed my nipples and twisted them.
It was in the script. In the script, he was supposed to like punch me in the balls.
And a lot of actors are coming in and no one touched me that day because there was auditions. You know what I mean? And like and yet Kieran punched me in the balls and then grabbed my nipples, twisted them and was so brilliantly funny in the audition that he didn't even get the role but he um he actually actually wasn't cast but i remember he left because he sexually assaulted yeah yeah there was a whole he had to do a little time go away for a bit and screen actors guild they do take you back after after uh after a probatory period but anyway he um no but basically like um he he he left the room and the director and I turned to each other was like, that was unbelievable.

This guy is amazing.

And that was like in 2009, I think.

And I just had this image, I think, in my unconscious or this feeling of being around a guy who's so funny, who's so magnetic and who doesn't kind of give a shit about at that point, like being polite or being like the obsequious auditioning actor of like, you know, so happy to be here. And a guy who just immediately manhandled me.
And it's kind of what the movie is like in the movie. I pay for the trip.
I have the family. Let's lay it out for people just because, you know, I never like to give too much away, but it is a really lovely movie and like a tone poem.
But also it's a travel story. It's the story of two cousins that you're taking this very meaningful trip.
Your grandmother, who in the story, she survived the camps in Poland. So you guys are coming back as part of this tour to tour Poland, see some of the sites you visit a concentration camp and then you go to see the home where she lived it is in a kind of felix and oscar way you're so good at being very high strung and trying to hold it all together right and very responsible and he is so irresponsible in these very funny ways and i was watching this movie thinking, well, there can be more movies where you two, I mean, you two characters can do anything because it's just going to be funny.
But there's also, it's real. It's very meaningful.
That's so nice of you to say. And actually the original script was set in Mongolia.
I was like 30 pages into the script of these two guys going to Mongolia to visit an old friend. You're the new Hope and Crosby.
You're going to do travel, you know. Look it up, kids.
It's a really good reference. Next week, we're going to the Orient.
But it was basically like it was. Yeah, that it was.
And so, like, I had this great dynamic. And then the movie, this Mongolia script was not going well.
And it's kind of funny, but like the script was not going well. I was 30 pages into the script and an ad popped up on the Internet for Auschwitz tours and then parentheses with lunch.
Jesus. Yeah, that's what it said.
Auschwitz parentheses with lunch. Auschwitz tours.
Auschwitz tours. Yeah.
With lunch. Yeah.
With lunch. I know.
I'm getting it. I know.
Should I say it again? I can come closer. Yeah.
Yeah. So basically, and I was like, first of all, I knew immediately what the ad was for.
I mean. Right.
But the implication of what the ad was for, which was just, you know, you want to do tours. The ad's a little tone deaf.
Let's say you can mention with lunch, maybe elsewhere. Yeah.
Maybe put an asterisk there and then address thesterisk after you click the banner. But basically, but actually what they're appealing to is exactly why the tone deaf, why the ad is tone deaf, because they're appealing to yuppies who want to instead of going to Rome this this this holiday.
Now you're going to go to Auschwitz, you know, and you're doing your responsible tourism, which is a good thing to do anyway. But as soon as I saw that, I changed I took the characters out of Mongolia and I set them on this Polish trip, but that was really the feeling is like, you could drop these characters in anywhere in any scene and it will still be amusing.
And so like what you said, like they're going to all of these places fraught with, you know, the history of trauma. And yet the characters have like an appealing bond that you can kind of just repeat and, and further uncover.
There's also this feeling that we've all had. There are moments in the film where you're meant to feel something.
You're not quite feeling it in the same magnitude that you feel you should be feeling it. And I thought that is something we've all experienced where you go to a hallowed space or you're learning about something.
I mean, I'm a history buff and I've been to many places where very traumatic things happen. And then you're like, well, we're going to miss the tram if we don't get moving.
You know, it's very weird. It's very weird.
It's very weird to lay the two on each other. Yes, I've thought about this so much, not just because of making the movie, but because I do the same kind of tourism.
I've been to the Rwandan Genocide Museum in Kigali and in Cambodia, the, you know, killing fields. I'm fascinated with this kind of tourism.
And yes, there's always the weird part of it. Like we have to get lunch on the way there.
Do we get bad lunch because bad things happened here? Or do we get the lunch we like because we want to have the energy to tour this place? And it's so weird. So in the movie, the characters are like kind of trying to reconcile that disconnect, this necessary disconnect.
Like we're on the train going to a concentration camp and we have first class seats because the, you know, exchange rate in Poland allows for us to have this, you know, we're on a yuppie tour of Poland and Kieran's character cannot stand the fact that we're in first class, but like coach is not that much better. You know what I mean? No, he goes, he's, you know, he's saying our people were put on trains in Poland in this terrible situation to be killed.
Right. And here we are 70 years later on a train.
Right. With really cushy seats.
Yeah. Eating this fancy meal in first class.
This isn't right. And he goes storming off to go to another class.
And one of the characters yells out, it's not going to be that much worse. And so to me, the beauty of the film is when you can kind of dance on a knife's edge between the darkness, but also the humanity that is people are imperfect.
We don't always feel exactly what we're supposed to feel. There's always someone in the room who, if you say, oh, my God, I just bit into this sandwich and it's got mold all over it.
This is terrible. Oh, yeah.
Well, guess what? Yeah, exactly. Some people never got to have a sandwich and they're dead.
And so you can't always pull it. No, I still want the good sandwich.
Right. I don't want mold on my sandwich.
I'm sorry that someone else didn't get a sandwich 800 years ago. Right.
God damn it. I want the good one.
Yes. But also, what if you did also have this kind of residual guilt that other people didn't have the sandwich and your moldy sandwich is not something to even have pity for? You know what I mean? Like there could be a version of you that goes like, oh, my God.
Yeah, you're right. I'm feeling bad over something I haven't earned.

You know, yes.

Not that that's a good feeling to have.

But I had a similar experience.

You know, your movie is about because this is based on something you've done.

You and your wife, your family have taken trips.

Poland is very important to you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, my family.

I'm telling you.

I'm not asking you.

I'm just telling you that Poland is important. Are there any other countries I should look into as being important? You're also into Guam.
Okay. Okay, so protectorates, yes.
Yeah. Man, you're chalking up the points left and right.
Yeah. But I mean, I know that that's something that this reflects part of your life.
Yeah, exactly. Like the house we filmed the movie at, but if the characters wind up at the end of the movie is the house my family lived in up until 1939.
And yeah, my wife and I kind of took this trip, but not on like a guided tour and went to all these cities. And all the stories that the characters tell are basically just stories from my family.
I just, you know, insert them in these kind of, you know, fictionalized ways. Are you, is it right that you're trying to get Polish citizenship? Yes, I have a social security number in Poland, but I don't have my passport.
Can you say it right now? Yeah, it's 17 and then the rest are Polish characters. So it doesn't translate.
It's 17ZWZWCZW. Yeah, scammers, try and use that.
Yeah, but I haven't got my passport. I was supposed to get my passport on Wednesday, at the next Wednesday, like in several days, a few days from now, at the Polish embassy in D.C., and then I was just emailed last night.
You're not getting it there. And so, I don't know, I've been, like, chasing this thing for a while.
That would be so cool to have a... Yeah, I can...
I have some envy here because I... I'm 100% Irish.
Right. But the rule is your, I think your grandfather had to have been from Ireland.
Right. And it's my great grandfather, so I do not qualify.
But I've always thought, wouldn't it be amazing to have an Irish passport? Yeah. Because I could flee if there's an issue.
Yeah. And I could escape from my crimes, my heinous crimes.
Okay. Don't go anywhere.
What's that? Don't go anywhere. Are you going to stick around? Yeah.
I like this job. Oh, okay.
He'll get another Conan O'Brien. There's always another Conan O'Brien out there.
And you could do it remotely. Exactly, yeah.
Ireland has many wonderful studios. In a van, just like you.
Yeah, exactly. But I had the experience of going back to Ireland to shoot a show, this travel show we did for Max.
And, you know, I'm doing, shooting a lot of comedy and a lot of very silly stuff. And then there was one part where this woman took me to the actual plot of land that my great- great grandfather lived on and I get there and I'm looking at this beautiful view yeah gorgeous view of the gobbling mountains and like the ice in my heart started to melt a bit yeah I did I felt very and I said to her I said god look at this view and this is where he lived she said yeah they lived in a the shack is gone now but the this is where they lived and i've looked at the records and it would have been basically a one one or two rooms and they lived here and um uh and i'm looking at it and feeling very emotional and i said well this is so beautiful here because it was absolutely gorgeous it was like an irish spring ad you know it was just a gorgeous you know leprechaun ireland and mountains in the distance and foolishly i said to the woman why did they why did he leave yeah you know and she said because you can't eat the view oh my god she's and it was there's the tagline for ireland i know but i mean it was very powerful yeah they had there was not enough food.
They didn't, you know, and she's just like, yeah, there are good, that's beautiful mountains. You can't eat the feckin' mountains.
Oh, she said it like that in a little less. Well, I added feckin'.
I'm making her more of a character now. That's amazing.
How you can't eat the feckin' mountains, can you? And then there was a burst of smoke and she turned into a bat. Yeah.
And that's pretty amazing. Yeah.
But were you surprised that the feeling snuck up on you? Yes, I was. Whenever I have any kind of emotion, I am shocked and dismayed.
Was it something specific? Like, did you think, oh, that man would have looked at this view? Yes. I was thinking that man would have looked at this.
He had to go. I also knew very sad things about him.
Back then, there was no going back. There was no writing to people.
There was no, I mean, a lot of people left. They went to America.
My people went to central Massachusetts to farm country and start again. But this relative of mine who left struggled with alcoholism and it was a real problem for him.
And just when people have said to me, oh, are you in touch with the people back home in Ireland? Well, no, there was no keeping in touch with anybody. They just went you know it was very dark yeah it's a very uh and and so anyway I your story your movie had some resonance for me as it would for I mean I think so many people so many of us are immigrants we're all immigrants and uh it's much discussed in the news now but all of us have moved on.
All of us have come here and we're all curious about where we came from. And it does sneak up on you.
It gets emotional in a strange way. I had like a similar experience to you.
I'm like really always on the edge of emotions and maybe you're not. And so I think

I had almost like the x-ray inverse of your experience. I went to this house again, we

filmed this movie there, but 2008, my wife and I went to this house that my family was from.

And it's the, it's the house that I've seen in the movie. Yeah.
And with a view, you could eat

and mountains made of meatballs, a pastrami volcano, come to Poland, a view you can eat. Not like Ireland where you can eat.
It basically is Candyland. Oh, let's come to Gumdrop Mountain.
Not those gross views. Look at all those inedible anyway nonetheless there's poland better than ireland in terms of the views you can eat um but basically like so my wife and i went to this house and i knew so much about the house and forgive me for like uh taking this and that's okay go for it like forgive me for taking this in like kind of like a you direction.
But, you know, what happened in the house was like my family owned this dry goods store on the corner of this of this town square in this nice, very nice town in Poland. And they were friends with the Poles.
I mean, I know this from because I'm there are survivors. They were really good, well liked in the town.
And in 1939, they were taken out of their house. They were taken to the cemetery, which is like two blocks away, and they were shot, like point blank.
And then, you know, we actually parked our trailers when we were shooting there outside the cemetery. So this whole town was kind of fraught with not only memories that I had.
Let me put it this way. In 2008, I went to this house and I expected to have very much the experience you just described, that I would be overwhelmed with this feeling of catharsis and a kind of like immediately, you know, resonant feeling of connection.
And I really didn't. And what was interesting, like about that strange disconnect for me was like, I just had this feeling of like, oh, yeah, we don't belong here anymore, you know.
And that was kind of depressing. And like I was standing out there for a while, like with my wife, and wife and then we're just basically loitering you know in front of this building in this town square and i just had this feeling of oh right uh none of us are here anymore and then i had this other weird feeling is when i was going into that town i guess i assumed i would see people that look like me and i didn't and you know there are no jews left in the town and so it was this weird thing it was an emptiness was left with, not the catharsis that I was expecting to have.
Well, it's always difficult to feel the pressure to have an emotion because that's not how it's supposed to work. That's true.
And this is reminding me, I've shot a bunch of shows around the world because I'm just very fascinated i you know have a real wanderlust and i i loved my talk show days but i was always very jealous when someone like you would sit down next to me and our next you know jesse heisenberg jesse how are you well i'm good i just got back from budapest where i was and i would think i've never. Wow.
And I have to be in this seat. I get to, I loved it.
So the minute I started to invent this way to go to these different countries and one of the countries that we went to was Armenia and Sona came with me and we were shooting all this very fun stuff in Armenia and silly things and you and I are dressing up as shepherds and we're in fields and we're wearing, you know, so we were shooting all this stuff. And then we went to- We went to the genocide memorial.
The genocide memorial. Yeah.
And suddenly, I mean, we're not idiots. I didn't go thinking, oh, that's gonna be fun, you know.
We'll get some good comedy here. I'm not a monster.
Hey, why am I feeling these feelings? What is this water coming out of my face? But we went there and it was, well, you take over. Oh, it was heavy.
It was really heavy. I mean, I'd never been to Armenia.
I am Armenian. Oh, oh, oh.
I felt a lot of what Conan was saying about how you get that. I was crying the entire time I was there, I feel like.
But then I saw my dad's village engraved in the wall of all the villages that were affected by the genocide. And it's like I instantly just felt some kind of connection to my grandparents.
It was like I'm feeling emotional talking about it now. It was amazing.
It was one of probably the most heart-wrenching moments of my grandparents. It was like, I'm feeling emotional talking about it now.
It's, it was amazing. It was one of probably the most like heart-wrenching moments of my life.
Were you also not expecting? I wasn't. I was not expecting to feel that overwhelmed about it.
I don't know. I mean, I think that something just like got very triggered in me and it was, you suddenly feel very connected to your past.
Yeah. It puts, it puts everything into a very different perspective.
Also, I always have, I don't know if you felt this or you felt that, but I'm so lucky to be here. Of course.
That's the feeling I have. Of course.
We're lucky. Yes.
That I'm enraged by people. We live in this world where, you know, we're in this business.
We're're extremely fortunate and the thing that really angers me is when when people act entitled i just it makes me insane except when i do it yeah but no i i get very angry at entitlement i profoundly understand that i'm here because a lot of of course people you know this relative of mine, and it's not that long ago, late 19th century, said I got to go and walked out of that town, made it to central Massachusetts. And there's all these other people that come after that that don't get one, one billionth of my opportunities.
Exactly. And then I'm here and standing on millions of shoulders, you know? And so that's the feeling I have.
And I do think without getting overtly political, people forget that. People think I'm here because I made this happen.
Of course. No.
I didn't.

I've made some things happen in my life.

Right.

But in the context of opportunity.

In the context of amazing opportunities that everyone else provided for me. You especially.

No, I'm kidding.

Okay.

All right.

Eisenberg!

Okay.

I don't know what it's like to be blessed with talent, but I did what I had to do. But no, it's like, it's such a, you know, going back to this film you made is about a lot.
It's interesting. It's a very lovely film that's a very,

it sounds crazy, it's very enjoyable.

Yeah. about a lot it's it's interesting it's a it's a very lovely film that's a very and it sounds crazy it's very enjoyable to watch it's a really good movie uh and it's beautifully scored and it's beautifully directed and you guys are terrific actors and it's got so much lightness in it and it's got uh obviously it has some some heaviness in it well, but it's, you know, it's about so much.

And it's not overt in that way, but it's just, it's one of those films where I watched it and I just thought, okay, I have, this is making me feel all kinds of stuff in a very good way.

Oh, that's so nice.

And I'm an unfeeling man.

Yeah, that says a lot.

That you had any experience of sentience watching you.

It's just the goal.

Why do I invite you back?

I don't understand.

I think I like the punishment.

Don't you?

I really do.

I think you do.

I really like it.

I think it's grounding you.

Yeah, I need grounding.

Yes, you need some humility.

I do. I've been.
Yeah. You need some humility.
I do.

I've been sent in here by your wife.

I saw on our Amex bill a $200,000 charge for,

for it said Eisenberg therapy.

I didn't know.

It's a speaking fee.

I'm treating this like a state college.

Well, listen, I congratulations on a real pain. And this is not just me.
Everybody is talking about this film. And I know it's award season, but people are abuzz about this film and rightly so.
And congratulations. And and also just, you know, I'm I'm very proud to know you i i know i really do i'm proud to know you you have a lot of character and uh i know you're tough on yourself and uh you're a real human being which doesn't always happen in this town and uh so just a joy to have you here thank you so much that's so nice of you to say thank you for always being supportive of me.
Well, we're gonna edit all this out. Sure, okay.
And then we're gonna add it. Once you leave, I stay for an hour and it's just Eisenberg zingers.
Got it, got it, got it. And then we tape in you going, oh.
Well, I can't keep up. I can't keep up with Conan.
Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, another Eisenberg.
Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing. And so, and then, how did he know? He's probably the funniest guy I've ever met.
Hey, why does he sound like Jimmy Stewart? I don't know. You only bought the Jimmy Stewart AI voice.
We all just get, we all get. Yeah.
Well, I made this movie.

It's called Real Pain.

I go back to...

I went to Poland, you see.

Yeah.

Man, Conan,

you're the funniest,

funniest character

I've ever met

and I swear to God,

I've met them all.

I just love the idea

that Jimmy Stewart's

from anywhere like Poland.

Yeah, my people, we had to, you know, had to leave Poland. We're in a shtetl.
You got any borscht on you? I like a borscht. Mr.
Smith goes to cross the stuff. God bless you.
You too. Jesse Eisenberg.
man. Thanks a lot.
You know what? I'm really glad the days are starting to get a little longer. Winter is in that rear view mirror.
Bye, Winter. Bye.
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Hey, aren't you Conan O'Brien?

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I'm trying to buy my ass cream.

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Sona, recently you met someone out in the wild, and I think that's about to lead us into an interesting journey. I need to talk about what happened to me on Saturday, Okay.
Because I hosted all day, and it was so much fun.

I hosted the Pasadena Armenian Festival.

Oh, wow.

Oh, God.

No, no.

No, I was just curious.

I was just curious who they got after I turned them down.

And then I turned them down.

Yeah.

Oh, then you?

Yeah, they called me, and I was like, well, I can't do it.

And then Gourley was like, no thanks.

Which was really rude, no thanks.

I had a legitimate excuse.

So this is exciting. What happened? I had posted it up on Instagram that I was going to be at this thing to just kind of help promote it.
And I had a few of our fans who aren't even Armenian come to the festival to come meet me. Oh, that's cool.
Which was honestly really cool. So these are non-Armenians coming to an Armenian festival.
Yes.

Wow.

And. the festival to come meet me.
Oh, that's cool. Which was honestly really cool.
So these are non-Armenians coming to an Armenian festival. Yes.
Wow. And see, what did I tell you long ago? We- I have no idea.
We unify people. Oh.
We do. We bring people together.
Okay. Just say, yes, you're right.
Sure, yeah. Okay, yes, you're right.
Oh, Zabba. And the evidence is there because the country seems pretty unified yeah i brought us together so can i can i give a shout out to a couple people who came sure dan his daniel came with his girlfriend michelle daniel's a fan michelle doesn't listen so we could just forget michelle well then what the fuck did you bring her up for what's wrong with her if he If he's listening, what is she doing? Just plugging her ears? And then Marianne and Dean came.
So they came all the way from, I think, the Midwest. They drove all the way out there.
No, they didn't. Not for me specifically.
They came for something else. But then I was like, stop.
So I'm just going to tell myself it was for me. No, no, they didn't drive from the Midwest to go to an Armenian festival.
No, they didn't. But they they did.
Let's just say they did. But they so Dean and Marianne, I met them.
They're lovely people. Dean, I find out, writes fan fiction about you.
He writes it about a lot of things, but he also writes a lot of Conan O'Brien specific fan fiction. Wow.
I'm not, I have to say, I am not familiar with the genre of fan fiction. I've heard about it, but I'm not familiar with what it actually entails.
So he's writing fictitious things that happened to me. You're leaving out a major descriptor.
Okay. It's explicit.
It's erotic fan fiction. It's erotic.
It's erotic fan fiction. That doesn't surprise me oh it it i am an erotic i am an erotic character i'm a i i neurotic you're thinking neurotic oh aren't they the same yeah um i uh i think i have i exude a sexuality it's funny you say that because i was like really conan and i'm like he's just you know he's very's like I was like, you know, I was talking to Dean and Marianne and I said he's just a very kind of repressed, got this repressed Catholic energy.
And he said a lot of the fan fiction that he writes comes from you like coming out of your repression, breaking out, breaking out of your repression. See, this guy gets me.
His name is Dean. Yes.
Okay, let me tell you something. When someone's repressed, if anything, it means there's more sexual energy.
Because it's trapped. It is.
I guess. You're right.
You're right. So when you say, like, I never think of you as, you're so repressed.
Yes. Yes.
A volcano just before it blows. Shooting its hot lava.
Oh, gross. Oh, God.
Come on. Oh, God.
No. Uh-oh.
Now I'm thinking I know what Gourley's up to because he's looking at his phone. Yeah.
And he's either there's a 1940s hat sale in the area. My erotic.
Fixation. Oh, wow.
Homburg. Yeah.
I mean, I looked at just the descriptions. I said, pass.
I can't do it. I'm going to take us through some of these.
For instance, here's one. Okay.
This is a short introduction, but there's a ton of tags on this, like nipple licking. Oh, God.
Not looking for constructive criticism. Smut.
Porn with feelings. Blow jobs.
Okay. Here it is.
Receiving an autograph and a hug from her giant ginger idol following a live taping of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend would have been more than enough for Lily. But after he waves goodbye to the crowd, she realized Conan left a lot more than his signature behind.
What does that mean? You don't listen. Do you never read? I love fan fiction.
Yeah, but what does that mean? I think you jizzed on the autograph paper. I think he like left his info and then they had like a dalliance afterwards.
What are you talking about? She's supposed to code his DNA. You said, you thought he jizzed on.
No, no, you're going down an awful road. I am meeting these people at their level.
Let me remind you of some of these tags. First of all, this is not fiction.
I remember Lily. Teasing, dirty talk, blowjobs, face fuck.
Wait, wait, wait. Don't read the tags.
So you can click on any of these and it will lead to something about me in that scenario? There's just tons and tons of these. He's got his the website is, can I just say the website so people can go read it? Yeah, let's help this guy.

The website is called archiveofourown.org and he's DRHpaints

and he's got a lot of Conan-specific fan fiction.

Okay.

And it's erotica.

It's a lot of erotica and it's very explicit

because that's the fun part about fan fiction.

Recently engaged, Conan enjoys a low-key celebration

with fiancee Natasha at a Red Sox game

where they get frisky in one of the VIP suites.

Yes.

Thank you. about fan fiction.
Recently engaged, Conan enjoys a low-key celebration with fiance Natasha at a Red Sox game where they get frisky in one of the VIP suites. Yes.
It's just a bunch of things here. I am married.
Her name's not Natasha. And I've never been invited to a Red Sox VIP suite.
Nor what I... The Afflecks are always in there.
Yeah. After an aggravating day alongside Detective Terry Seattle, when asked to question another of captivating Keith's former assistants, Conan finds the enchanting Eden has more than a few tricks up her sleeve.
This is fun stuff. And I think it's very flattering.
I mean, like, you know, there was an entire movie series, the after movie series that was based on fan fiction written about Harry Styles. Right.
Do you think there's movie material here. I'm just saying, I'm like, I just think it's very flattering when people choose you as like a main character and any sort of literary kind of, they have on anything.
This might be one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it went too far. After getting a taste of the submissive lifestyle while filming Conan Without Borders in Berlin Conan seeks out Dominatrix Miss Andrea to fulfill his fantasies you know what this person knows her stuff we've talked about that I shot a Dominatrix segment in Berlin and I'm still in pain from it oh I see these are lead ins to the full you have to kind of click through to get to the whole story.
Yeah. These are just the beginning.
You're leading just the, these are just the. Here's a good one.
Conan attends his 40th high school reunion where he finds out Lolly, a fellow former student turned Brookline history teacher, secretly pined after him in their youth. It's called not too late.
It is too late. It's way too late.

It should be called way too late.

Their hips clicked as they entwined.

Eventually, this is- My skin hurts, said Conan.

What was that?

Said his sexual partner.

I can't hear you because of my oldness.

Ow, it hurts.

Conan yelled, peeing pure blood into the toilet.

Oh, my God.

Lolly nodded.

Eyeliner making her gaze appear smoky yet skittish.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds great. Conan's tongue wet his lips.
My hotel. Wet lips.
I'm done. Wet lips.
I can't. I can't.
I can't. I can't read it.
No, no, no. This is terrible.
And I can't hear it. Hold on.
This is getting good. But I'm glad someone is finally seeing me as a sexual being.
Because I've been ignored too long in that category. And that's just what a sexual person would say.
For far too long. My sexual outie has not been seen, said the dynamo, the lothario.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
No, Matt, if you keep reading it, I'm going to burn this entire building down to the ground. I can't do it.
Mouth stalling at her clavicle. Oh, my God.
Conan Rose. It stopped.
Wait, say it again. Mouth stalling at her clavicle.
What does that mean? Stalling? Like, I think you're working your mouth. You're working your way.
Oh, I should read the line before I hear. Okay, here we go.
Unsure. I'm always unsure in these situations.
What's happening? Unsure precisely when Conan sprang her breasts

free, mouth stalling at her

clavicle, Conan rose, eyes an ocean

churning with uncertainty and craving.

Okay, can we stop? Excuse me, ma'am.

Yo! How rough do you

like it? No blinking, exhalations

audible. Lolly studied him in silence,

features set. I want to eat.

Oh, I can't. Can I just say one thing?

Can you stop? You have to stop now.

I just wanted to stop. Can I say

one thing? I always pause at the

Thank you. I didn't know you had a fork to dick.
Too gay. It's actually, it's more of a spork.
It needs to stop now. I'm just saying this gets- It's a fork? Yeah, it's a fork and a spoon.
It's good for if you want yogurt after salad. We'll take a break, we'll be right back.
I'm stopping you. You've got to- You have to stop..
I'm not going to read this. This stuff is.
Well, then stop. You keep.
You keep do scrolling through it. I'm not going to read it out loud.
I want to know what's going on. Just put it down.
Man. Hey.
Step away from the phone. You are in command of your faculties.
I need to. I need to leave.
I quit. I have to quit right now.
Oh, wow. First of all, you brought this up.
I'm done. And you gave this person a forum.
I know. And also really nice.
And his girlfriend was really nice. And I thought, hey, this is fun.
You know what? It's nice to be appreciated. Let's put it that way.
Okay. Can you guys just be quiet? I'm trying to read.
Okay. I'm going to end the segment.
Yes. But I'm glad that you hosted the Armenian ma-ma Ma Ma event.
It's a Pasadena Armenian festival.

Yes, yes, yes.

It was a lovely day.

Yeah, it sounds like these people really care about your culture.

Sona's there.

We can read her our smut.

Well, anyway, thanks for caring and for sharing to our fans.

Put that down.

Put the phone down. I want to hear the phone

it's a real page turner

oh god

Conan O'Brien

needs a friend

with Conan O'Brien

Sonam of Sessian

and Matt Gourley

produced by me

Matt Gourley

executive produced

by Adam Sachs

Jeff Ross

and Nick Liao

theme song

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incidental music

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Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
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I do. And if I start to lose, I flip the board over.
That's why I have an unbroken streak. I just always win because I just throw the board over, flip it over, and say, get out of my house.

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