The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell

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Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride Okay, well, if you're hearing that classic tune, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan Show. And this is a show where I, Conan O'Brien, sit with, well, there's no other better way to say it.
My nemesis,

my foe,

someone who over the years has irritated me.

To an incredible degree,

Mr.

Jordan Schlansky.

Hi.

Did you,

is your microphone on?

I'm not qualified to answer that question.

It's not on.

It's not on.

It's so funny.

I just thought,

wow,

he really has no personality.

I couldn't hear you. Let's try it again.
Say hi. hi hi you got to leave that in it's just too good um now i hear you and i prefer it the other way okay um listen it's eduardo it's not your fault a lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics i'm not sorry uh we're also joined by frank smiley uh who's um here help us out, navigate these waters and maybe intervene if a fist fight should break out.
That's right. Uh, you know, Jordan, how many years have we been together? Approximately 30.
Approximately 30 years. You came to work for me as a very young man and, um, frittered your life away.
Sure. Uh, you have bilked me of an incredible amount of money i don't know what you do we've never quite figured out what your task was on the old late night show or now did you say i built you money or i've milked you bilked bilked bilked bilked bilked bilked as in sergeant bilko as in uh bilked him i took him a ride.
I squeezed him for cash. So built is like milked, not built.
I didn't build you money. I didn't build.
I didn't help you build an empire. No one said you'd build anything.
You know how like the second employee of Apple in 1976 is a multi-billionaire? Because they got it in a time where Apple wasn't a sure thing. They were risking their potential future.
They could have chosen Saturday Night Live when they were offered an internship on one of two shows, but they took the one that was on 13-week renewals. Now, you know, in that situation, like if you look at the history of the tech companies, the secretaries at Apple and Microsoft are now billionaires.
Now, I kind of equate myself to that type of situation. I came in in the early days.
There were no guarantees. It was a little bit rough.
And I expect at this point, 30 years later, I would be sitting pretty on a pile of cash. Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine.
You've been paid a salary since almost day one. Is there a way I can turn him down a bit? The other one on your left thigh.
Yeah, it's just, it's awful. Well, you had another guest in here at the same volume.
What was the problem there? That was someone I respected. That was Tracee Ellis Ross.
She's fantastic. Your other thigh.
Why is the button? Why is this goddamn? Oh, that's great. Oh, that's great.
I said your left thigh. Why did you even have it in the same room? Why didn't you put the switch? You know, speaking of Tracee Ellis Ross, she asked you about bar soap or liquid soap.
You neglected to mention the most important factor in that question, the pH level. You see, liquid soap is often a detergent.
Sometimes it's actually a soap. That is to say a saponified fat.
But often it's a detergent, which has a lower pH closer to that of your skin naturally. The problem with soap is that it disrupts the acid mantle of the skin.
Well, listen, you are referencing a podcast interview. You referenced it.
I supported your train of thought. All I mentioned was Tracee Ellis Ross, the previous person here.
All I mentioned is an aspect of the Tracee Ellis Ross interview. Right, which no one listening to this right now on SXM has probably listened to yet.
So everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp. You're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats.
Jordan, let's stick to the basics, okay? You've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years.
I've supported you. I've paid your salary.
I haven't become a multimillionaire despite getting in at the early days when I could have lost my job at any point, but still stuck with you through thick and thin. So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on late night with Conan O'Brien 30 years ago should be a billionaire.
I'm saying Steve Jobs secretary can buy this entire complex. Well, I prefer the term.
I prefer the term assistant. Yes.
You say, hey, stewardess, get over here and give me some of those bag nuts. At the time, she was probably referred to as a secretary.
Nevertheless, I expect that there might be some kind of financial sense of accomplishment as opposed to my. Well, guess what? This is your big reward.
Yes. Of all the people who started interning with me way back in whatever, 1995, 96.
I think as I look around, you're the only one that has your own show with Conan O'Brien on SXM. So shut up, shut up.
Kind of like a Trumpy voice. Shut up.
You're fired. You know, that kind of Trump thing.
You're fired. Right.
Right. Isn't Isn't that a funny impression? Uh.
I'm just saying that you're sitting here now.

Yeah.

You are one half of a show that's on SXM. And you should be grateful for that.
Yeah, I am. Do you see other interns that you started with? The other interns you started with are all dead or in jail.
You are here with your own show on the SiriusXM dial. Okay.
Okay? Yes. So just settle down.
Sure. Now, I do want to talk to you about something kind of exciting.
Okay. You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan show, I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening because this is a nightmare for me.
You mentioned earlier that you had once entered a guinness contest that's true where you write a limerick i wrote a limerick you're saying yeah you mentioned at the time and so i that's why i was using the past tense yeah i was talking about what you did do and if i was in the process of writing it at this very moment then you could say you write a limerick any other a limerick, yes, back in the 90s. I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's beside the point.
You, if I'm not mistaken, said that you entered this contest. And at that time, you wrote a limerick.
I did. As part of the contest.
You liked your limerick. And I remember thinking, that's a pretty good limerick.
Do you want to repeat it for us? Oh, yes oh yes well for those unfamiliar with the concept of a limerick it's a specific no no need you can just say it across ire a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune no doubt as he strolled into ennis he was pulled a cold guinness hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout that's fantastic i think that's very good serious. That is a very good.
You entered it and you did not win. And what was the prize? Well, I don't remember exactly.
I believe it may have been a trip to Ireland. I've never been to Ireland.
I'd love to go to Ireland. It was actually a pub.
A pub. A pub in Ireland.
You get to own a pub. Even better.
And can you imagine owning a pub? I was just there. Owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing.
Right. Fantastic.
It'd be a dream. That's like having an Airbnb on the water in Maine.
That's just like a quintessential, wonderful experience. You entered and you did not win.
Is that correct? I was never notified about any development one way or the other. Well, I have the information here.
Okay. And the winner, the 1996, that's when you entered? Somewhere around there.
Guinness Essay Contest winner was Shan Weston from Friday Harbor, Washington. I don't know Friday Harbor.
Of course, my wife is from Washington. Of course.
I think near the San Juan Islands. Yeah, the San Juan Islands, which I'm quite familiar with.
I've been there with my bride. A great wine in Washington State, by the way.
Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator, she won, she entered the contest and she won the Shonakee Pub in County Clare.
She won a pub. Oh, well, there's a picture of someone.
There she yeah she won the contest okay that you failed to win and um 55,000 people in the United States entered the contest and uh she won okay by the way you didn't need to to uh write a limerick the the contest was actually 50 words or less I think you may be referring to a similar contest in an adjacent year nevertheless this is the same year 1996 i believe there was an essay one year and maybe a limerick there was definitely a limerick involved well you chose to write a limerick i spoke to the people at guinness and they informed me that it was it was your choice to do a limerick and that and a limerick was not required listen to me there's a marketing team at Guinness. I'm sure there are a bunch of 30-somethings.
And they get wind of this and they talk to each other. Is this true? Is this true? Well, ask Ron.
He's the old time around here. He was back here in the 90s.
And they go to Ron and Ron's, you know, kind of moved up the ladder a little bit, but never really achieved greatness at the company to the point where he could retire. So they ask Ron, was there a thing? And he's like, yeah, there's something about an essay.
And they look up the essay and maybe the essay was 96 and mine was 95. Jordan, you- I would never choose to write a limerick if I could have written an essay.
I don't want to be confined to very few words. You're not remembering correctly, which is probably a problem that you have in- Listen to me, there was a contest for a limerick.
It was specifically a limerick. Do I look like someone that would just decide to write a limerick? Frank, well, first of all, you look like a lot of things and it's all encompassing.
Frank, you've done the research on this and you've talked to Guinness and they said that the contest that Jordan entered, it did not have to be a limerick. No, 50 words or less.
Guinness is. Yeah, Guinness is.
And you decided to write a limerick. My limerick had nothing to do with Guinness is.
i'm telling you these were two separate contests they had a thing they went through a period where like every year they had a contest and there was a prize nevertheless it's the same it's the same intent you write you use your creative literary skills to yell you're yelling you're yelling okay you're yelling and i want you to understand i'm just saying i was not in direct competition with this woman, but we are compatriots. Okay.
We are counterparts. Yes.
Maybe one year apart. Okay.
Anyway, Guinness, I'm sure they're going to rescind this once they hear your insane rant, but Guinness did respond to your limerick. Okay.
They got back to us with their own limerick. Oh.
And here's how it goes. There once was a man who loved guinness he entered a competition feeling ambitious still upset he didn't win with 30 years in the bin jordan please accept a pint as forgiveness and guinness has sent guinness over for everyone at larchmont that's our company here to enjoy and so jordan you didn't win but i'm getting a free guinness which is nice and um i don't know why frank's getting one what the fuck did he do well it's important um i set this up you did yeah uh this is by the way your your 30-year grudge yeah has uh actually you're pouring that wrong and it's making me crazy i took a guinness pouring class and you're doing that all wrong it's making me insane anyway anyway that's okay that's all right i don't have a glass because you only look after number one oh you have a glass you just didn't want to share it with me that's great um when i said that was all sarcastic i don't really think it's right you know uh i take your point about taking a pouring class because there is a very specific way to do it there are youtube videos of bartenders kind of trolling customers and pouring it the wrong way.
And it's fascinating to see people know how much head's supposed to be on there. Not too little, not too much.
Nevertheless, I don't drink beer myself, but I appreciate it. I'm not going to touch that line with a 30-foot pole.
I appreciate the sentiment, even if the second line in the limerick had a meter that was slightly too verbose. Can I just say one thing? You're supposed to imagine there's usually a harp on any Guinness glass

and you imagine on the first pour,

you get it, you angle it,

you hit the side of the glass

and you go up to the harp

and then you wait for the head to settle.

Because these are from cans,

it's not quite the same experience,

but then you finish it up

and I'll do that in just a minute.

Jordan, you didn't win,

but we got our free Guinness, which is nice. Yeah i think they just if i'm not wrong guinness we just talked about guinness for about 15 minutes and we were each paid one can of guinness uh which makes guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid so i'm not getting a trip to .
How do you know why I haven't been paid off? Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness for a really long time because there's going to be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galilly on the coast of Gali Bilali. So I wouldn't put anything past him.
Right. Nice.
Creamy. Oh my God.
How come you're not drinking any gas? I told you I don't drink beer. And frankly, while you appreciate the sentiment.
I see now why you lost the contest. As a beer hater.
Well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness. Known beer hater, Jordan Schlansky.
Yeah. I once tasted something I hated and then I knew I was fated.
And then there's rest, you know, to lose the contest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Liking the beer was not a qualification of entry.
All I'm saying is, look, I appreciate the sentiment. This is a nice PR story, but let's look at the facts.
I did not get a trip to Ireland. I just certainly did not get a pub in Ireland.
I got one can of a beverage that I don't even drink. And in addition to the effort that I put in 30 years ago, you have, as you mentioned, advertised the product quite extravagantly.
Nevertheless, I see four cans of this beverage on the table in return. I took mine off the table when i realized we weren't getting paid for this uh frank who probably is getting a pub has kept his can on the table you should take yours off because you're getting nothing out of this sure i didn't know you could win a win a pub yeah that's so cool sounds a little bit like a headache though not at all no no there's no, no.
There's no, never any problems in an Irish pub.

All right.

We're going to take a little break.

Okay.

We'll come back

with more of the,

the Conan and Jordan show.

And we're going to have

show and tell.

We're going to have

show and tell.

Oh, that'll be interesting.

Show and tell.

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Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky.
We have a little segment here. This is called Jordan Show and Tell, where you brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you.
And you want to show it to us? Yeah, I was asked to bring in a product that I identify with or that I believe in.

Now, I'll start by saying that I try to buy very few products in my life.

I believe that we can live minimally. But the products that I do buy, I want them to be of a very high quality.
I want them to have something special about them. And then I have to buy fewer products going forward because they last longer.
Now, life used to be simple 25 years ago, okay? If you wanted to buy a nose hair trimmer in the united states you may have bought the panasonic er 409 this is my own unit from about 25 years ago so this let me explain to the viewer you've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator okay um and it's a panasonic yeah and uh this is from the 90s 2000s sure i don't have the exact it, but that's about the time I started trimming my nose hair. I can't tell you if it started growing in then or if I just became aware of it then, but this is a relic.
This is an ancient relic. If you look on the bottom, you'll see that it's made in Japan, of course, Panasonic's headquarters.
I never thought much about nose trimmers, but I didn't have to. I simply trimmed my nose hair with that.
And you

can trim ear hair as well if you choose. And that was the end of it.
It was a successful operation.

Yes. The operation was a success.
The operation was a success. And then this product was damaged.

I may have dropped it. I don't remember.
It may have just failed due to its age. Nevertheless,

if it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself. Took out a tiny little gun and shot its brains out.
Have you noticed that a lot of your products commit suicide at a certain point? I'm sorry. So, when I went to replace it...
I can't. I can't.
I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns. And every now and then in your house, you're trying to sleep and you hear a tiny little shot.
You go in and, oh, my hair dryer's dead. Sometimes they leave a little note.
If I had to listen to him pronounce Socratic bullshit one more time. Oh, my God.
My stomach hurts. My chest hurts.
My whole body falling apart. I'm sorry.
I respect inanimate objects, okay? It's like a Japanese mentality, okay? I treasure these. If they were sentient, I think they would value the way I treated them.
Nevertheless, I went to replace this product when it was damaged. I live in the United States and I was served this Panasonic ER411.
This is disgusting. What? What are you talking about? This is oversized.
It's light and plastic. It looks like a rocket ship.
The cutting mechanism I actually replaced. This had been discontinued, but I was able to buy the cutting part.
I replaced it. Wait a minute.
You bought, how much did that cost? I don't know. $15.
Okay. You buy a $15 nose trimmer.
Yeah. and then you went to the trouble to replace the blade yeah this was an inadequate product this was no longer made in japan it was made in a country that is arguably known for some lower quality production methods uh it it looks like a rocket ship it draws unnecessary attention to itself it's a bright silver color.
This was what you would get as an American after the glory days of nose hair trimmers. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I don't see a huge difference.
This one that look like that you don't see a difference between those two objects. Well, one is silver and one is gray.
We we define ourselves by the objects we interact with every day. I surround myself with beauty, with high levels of aesthetic pleasure.

And it's not only putting on beautiful clothes,

it's also using a beautiful nose hair trimmer.

It's also understanding that everything we interact with

defines our life.

So I wanted a well-made product.

I was not happy with this product,

but I thought it was my only option.

So I trimmed my nose hair unhappily with that product.

And when did this one commit suicide?

You found this guy hanging so then i visited the country of japan uh-huh and i found out that panasonic sells a different nose hair trimmer model for the japanese clientele oh Oh, so they sell us the inferior one. The ER-GN10, and look how sleek and stylish this product is.
This thing feels amazing in the hand. It's perfectly balanced.
It's reminiscent of my old ER-409. This is from 25 years ago.
This is from today. Why do you know the serial numbers? And since I was in Japan, I knew that this was not going to last forever, despite the fact that it is still made in Japan in a high quality.
So I bought spares. And then I found that on my second trip, they had come out with the ER.
Originally, it was the ERGN10. Then they came out with the ERGN11.
I bought two of those. Hold on a second.
Let me see this. Look at the beautiful.
Just look at the packaging. I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products.
Look at your eyes. You look insane.
Why do they sell this to Americans and this beauty? Why do they sell this disgusting rocket ship to Americans and this beautiful piece of machinery to the Japanese clientele? I mean, I just, I don't understand the logic of that. But nevertheless.
How many of these did you buy? I bought four of them. But the point is.
Now I can see you being a little worried that you should have bought a fifth. You take what you're given.
I don't know what kind of nose hair trimmer you. You just buy whatever's available.
I seek out high quality wherever on the planet it may lie. What do you even use to trim your nose hair? You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore.
Little scissors. Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore.
Wait a minute. Why do you have to bring that up? That's hurtful.
What does that have to do with anything? You don't employ a hair and makeup person. What are you talking about? Is that personally insulting? I still do big gigs.
I still do live shows. Okay, so you may contract one intermittently, but I'm saying that's not going to take care of your nose hair on a regular basis.
How do you get rid of that quantity of hair with a simple manual device? My nose is not pumping out tons of hair every day. There's got to be over a hundred hair, individual hairs between those two nostrils.
What are you, are you telling me? I use a little scissors. How long does that even take? And it's a little bit curved.
Are you confident in the quality of your work? I just don't. I know that if I look in that nose right now and I shown a light in there, if you're using manual scissors, there's no way you're accomplishing an efficient whisker removal.
I make little, I'm like Edward Scissorhands, I make little topiaries. I have a little dinosaur in this one and I have a lizard in that..
It's not often talked about you have hair removal challenges. You have shaving problems and you always have.
I'll come in and I'll see patches of hair on your face, isolated patches of hair. I don't know how when you have resources available to you, I don't know how this passes inspection.
I'll come in one day. You've got like a little you've shaved, but you've got like a tuft of red hair under your nose where your mustache would be.
You've got like a random, your neck a lot of times have like, you have shaving problems. And just acknowledge- Say it, say about my neck.
You have shoved, you'll just have a clump of hair sticking out of your neck in an arbitrary position. Do you want to know what the problem is? Would you like me to tell you? Yeah.
Okay, I get very bad. I have very sensitive skin.
Yeah. And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps.
You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair there? You think that looks better than a redneck? No, I don't deliberately leave it there. Do you see it? I shave it, but sometimes I try to do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much and maybe I leave a stray hair.
And you know what? This is hurtful. This is not a is a clump of hair hurtful not concerned with individual hairs hurtful I'm just asking you hurtful do you feel if you can improve in some way by listening to the things I have to say why do you have to ridicule I'm not right product you have the you have the means why do I have to buy it you've got 15 in a bag you motherfucker give me one why why are you saying I have to buy one? I'm not giving you one of these.
Yes, you are. I don't have the resources you have.
What are you talking about? I'll buy one from you for twice its price. You paid $8.
I'll give you $16. This is priceless to me.
I'm not going to put a price tag on this. $100.
If someone's doing something better than you, don't ridicule. Just be like, I learned something.
I'll give you $100. Oh, it's Socrates.
Oh, it's Kaiser. I understand.
Oh, you can be more efficient shaving your nose. I'll give you $200.
I'll give you $200. Okay.
Say yes! Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're going to get that you made a huge profit on that.
Give it to me right now. Do I have $200 on me? I don't know if I do.
Maybe I do. I'm not giving it back.
Don't expect that when we walk out of this door, I'm giving it back. You don't have to give it back.
Do you want the ERGN10 or the GN11? What the difference is there? I'm not clear on what the difference is. That's something I'm curious about, but it's written in Japanese, so you can get...
Well, what's the latest version? Oh, I don't know. I'm going to guess if there's the ERGN10 and the ERGN11, I'm going to guess maybe the ERGN11 is more recent.
Maybe they're going in a backwards lumbering scheme. If I ever see the GN9, I know that that's a steal.
I mean, these are just basic questions. I don't need to read Japanese or understand anything specific about nose hair.
Just give me everything you have. No.
You think you have more than 200 in cash on you yeah i go to strip club sometimes i think that's uh you were yelling at me and you're you upset me because you uh said that i my face was all fucked up and i'm just saying you have room for improvement this is nothing to be ashamed about this. This is something to embrace.
I can help you improve. Two.
Okay, there's 100. Really, 200? What if we go- You offer 200.
I know, but what if I take it down a little bit now? No. I'll give you 100.
Hold on, hold on. You want 200 seals the deal? Yeah.
Okay, there it is. It's $200.
Okay, which one do you want? Why don't you choose?

Do you want this one?

No, I want one in a box, asshole.

I don't want one that's been up your ass two hours ago. No, this is not what I use for my ass.

Oh, what did you use for that?

Listen.

What goes up there?

Seriously.

What goes up the old bottom?

I don't remove hair in that area.

Why would you leave that there? Why? I don't have any problem with that hair what do you mean i i have no problem with that area why do one orifice and not just this one is visible well this one is uh you know displayed uh-huh yeah i think the other's been displayed at times frankly what battery does this take that takes a double a AA battery. Do we have a AA around here? I'd like to try and see if I can get this thing going.
Well, I've got a AA in mine. You may not want the nose trimmer itself, but you could take my battery, I hope.
Yeah, I'll take the battery. I mean, the battery's been in indirect contact with my nose and ears.
It's okay. This is brand new.
Now, you stick that up your nose, and if I hear a grinding sound... Hear that? Yeah, I hear it.
Hear that? Yeah. If I hear a grind...
You're clearly not doing a good job with your scissors. That was all left behind.
So what you're hearing is the actual grinding of some hair. I think I did a pretty good job with scissors.
Not from what I'm hearing. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Each one of these blasts has like four hairs in it.
What do you mean blast? It just keeps going. You're just still in the same nostril.
You haven't even moved on to left. So how often do you do this? Do you do this every day? Every Tuesday and Friday, I find it the most efficient days to remove hair.
You know what? I hope... I do hope you're murdered soon.
This is a new nostril... Yeah, you haven't even gotten to your ears yet.
Years? Yeah, do you still feel like your quaint scissor method is efficient? You know what? I have to say this is better. Yeah.
This is better than the scissors. And you don't have to worry about this disgusting device.
And you claim that you don't learn anything or that there's no value in the knowledge that I have. And look at you now.
Look at you now. You know what I love? I love that your look at you now is about this.
You know, it's supposed to be about something bigger, like you said that you were better than me and that was 50 years ago, but now I encounter you when you're a hobo. Look at you now! But you use it on, you said that my information was incorrect, but I suggested this nose hair trimmer, and now you're using it.
Look at you now! It's so small. You feel there's nothing that I can tell you that you haven't heard before.
That's not true. Or that's of any value to you.
No, I've never heard. You're at a level.
No, that's not true. You're at a level where you have the top advisors begging to give you their information.
I remember when you had these personal trainers in the nineties, you had these guys like, Oh no, this is Will Arnett's guy. And I started to give you nutrition advice.
You're like, please, I think I've got this covered. I've got Will Arnett's personal trainer.
No, it was actually Will Arnett. Will Arnett was training me.
And I would see these protein powders in your office and they were like low quality soy proteins with like incomplete amino acid profiles.

What?

And you're like, don't worry, I've got the best people in the business.

You let me eat incomplete amino acids?

You have this theory where you're special and you want the best of everything, but you assume that there's nothing that I can tell you that you can't get a better answer on from someone else. Jordan, if I wanted to demand it the best in everything, explain your presence.
I mean, seriously. Who else in your life is going to tell you about the ERGN-11? What other soul on this planet would ever tell you about this? This cost me $200.
Yeah. That's a lot.
Well, you have to take into account that I cannot easily replace it. There was a plane ticket involved.
I brought it in to the country. I imported it.
I mean, there's a lot of middlemen that were out of the deal. You're right.
You're right. All fair points.
And I am going to use this and I appreciate it. Again, let's get the word out on the Panasonic ERGN 11 only available in Japan.
You can't get this. If one is resourceful, I'm sure they can find a way to obtain it.
Yeah. I just love that you have this sad little bag.
I don't know. It just, I'm sorry.
It just, it look, come on, don't stare at me with hate. It just, you have to admit you have a little, little bag and you're carrying it around.
I admit I have a bag with nose hair trimmers in it. These are cool.
I mean, this is, you know, I'm going to say something. These are nice.
Yes. Now I'm going to go home tonight and my wife expects me.
She's going to notice your clean nose, I presume. And not just today, but going forward.
This device may last you many years. Does this also work on the ears? Yeah.
Now, be honest. Have you used it on the ass? Be honest.
No. Have you used anything on the ass? No.
Have you ever looked back there? Be honest. Not that I'm aware of.
Not that I'm aware of. Well, I mean.
Sometimes when you're in a certain transcendental state, you might take a look. I have no recollection of looking at my buttocks in the way that i believe you're referring to okay it doesn't concern you have you have i what looked at your uh anus i guess that's where you were going with this uh that's a very personal question yeah it was just asked of me so i'm familiar with the question all right well I think this has been

a very successful segment once again Jordan has hoodwinked me it's a good product I did I pay too

much as I did well I try and get the money out of Frank Smiley afterwards probably why also keep the Panasonic ERG and 11 yes I will so I'm determined to come out ahead I'm let it go for now but yes during the show it will have all the appearances of me shelling out 200 clams um oh quick advice where does the hair go does it go into a chamber at the top you'll have to clean that out from now well guess what yeah that's conan o'brien nose hair yeah i could sell that they sell all of us sweat i could sell conan oBrien's nose hair. And you know what? There'd be someone listening right now who would want to buy it.
You know, there's somebody on the line right now. Do you want to ask? Someone's been listening and they're on the line? Yes.
That's fantastic. Let's put this person on the line.
This is exciting. What if I could sell my nose hair? Let's patch through.
Hello. This is, I'm told this is Stephanie in Illinois.
Stephanie, are you there? Yeah. Oh, hey.
How are you? I'm good. This is the highlight of my day.
Well, I mean, day isn't much. I was hoping you'd say like week or month, but okay.
I'll take, you know what? I'm going to take day. I'm not going to get greedy.
Stephanie, it's very nice to talk to you. As you know, we've been, I just use this amazing product.
I trim the insides of my nose, my nostrils um and i was talking about maybe someone would buy my nose hair is that something that you would ever consider i would consider it for a little bit of time and then i mean maybe i could sell it and make some money off of it yeah i don't know when you said you would consider it it sounds like you'd consider it for a microsecond and then yeah it'd be pretty yeah yeah pretty short amount of time yeah you know what i respect you because i think only an idiot would buy my nose hair um and uh i think you made the right call tell me a little bit about yourself stephanie uh what's uh what's your occupation um i'm a licensed psychologist and i work in a university counseling center seriously you yeah so so this is good because i'm sitting here i do this uh show occasionally with i guess i'm gonna call him a friend of mine i don't know what the term is uh jordan schlansky you familiar with him at all yep okay people seem to know him a lot of people stop me and ask me what's the deal with jordan and i want to say that's i've spent a good chunk of my life trying to explain him to other people you say that you're a psychologist yes and so you're trained to understand um the human psyche the mind behavioral patterns behavioral patterns. You've probably done...
Personality. Tell me...
And Jordan's here. You can say hello, Jordan.
Hello, Stephanie. Yeah.
What is your take on Jordan Schlansky? Hello? Yeah, no, it's just a pause. Oh, that was a pause? Oh my God, that's not a good sign.
I thought all communications had dropped and that you had gone off the grid. That was a pause because you don't know what to say? That's stunning.
That's correct. Well, I mean, let's talk.
Do you have any questions for Jordan? Yeah, I've got a lot of questions. Let's get into it.
He just walked into your office. You're familiar with some of his videos.
Let's imagine you know Jordan. You've seen his videos, and he walks into the office.
And let's get to it. I guess I'd be most interested to know what his biggest problems are in his life.
Like what causes him distress? I'm pretty content, to be honest with you. I don't really have any chronic conditions, psychological or otherwise.
You know, basic human responses. We have fear and frightful situations and we may feel anxious in situations that would classically inspire such a reaction.
I wouldn't say I fall victim to a lot of the- I'm sorry. You're just describing the human species.
Yeah. You're talking about homo sapiens.
That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about you specifically.
And, you know- Well, I feel content. i know my strengths and my weaknesses and i know my characteristics and uh i'm i'm quite content with them um you know i know my limitations and my i'm quite familiar with your limitations what i want to say jordan is that you are not you say you're content but all you ever do when we talk is bitch at me that you don't think you've gotten enough out of the Conan O'Brien experience? Yeah, I'm talking about my own psychology.
Your treatment of me over the years in financially and otherwise is a completely different subject. I'm talking about psychologically.
I'm introverted, which I don't think is any secret. And certainly a psychologist would likely read that right away um intp if you're a

fan of the myers-briggs classification system uh okay excuse me i'm gonna let you jump in here

stephanie because if i don't bully him out of the way you'll never get a chance um well

go ahead stephanie question so sometimes the problem is not that you're in distress but it's

that the other people around you are in distress so that would be my kind of other question is

Thank you. So sometimes the problem is not that you're in distress, but it's that the other people around you are in distress.
So that would be my kind of other question is how do most people kind of respond to you? Yeah, it's a good question. That is a good question.
I get a lot of different responses.

Do you understand?

I'm going to guess that a lot of people get mostly consistent responses from those around them with, you know, a few outlying responses.

But I get very different responses from different people. I find some people despise me and I find.
But I find that an equal, if not more number of people embrace me. And I think that if you average it all out, it equals a normal

person's response. But I my mine is a bit polarizing with equal numbers on both sides.
And I guess there are a few apathetic in the middle that really don't care one way or the other. So you're saying so basically what you just said is you're a normal guy.
40% of people despise you

40%

are fine with you

and then 20% in the middle

have no opinion. That does not sound, Stephanie, to me like the normal response an average human gets.
What do you think? Oh, no, it doesn't sound normal. Well, I'm not concerned with being normal.
That was never high on my priority list.

I think that comes across.

Yeah. I like to think that I'm a good person.
And in the end, overall, I increase the quality of the lives of people around me. Of course, there are a few exceptions.
Inevitable, that's just attrition as you get in business and life in general. But I try to be a good person.
I try to improve the world around me and my limited time here on this earth. But of course, I don't hit it out of the park every single time.
And, you know, some people are easy to read and I may have more of a stoic demeanor, even if it doesn't necessarily represent what's going on inside me. And some people, when faced with that kind of blank slate, find it off-putting and intimidating in in a way and i understand that and respect that stephanie let me ask you quickly and yeah you're the expert here and i'd like to hear a lot more from you and a lot less from jordan um but my take here is i hear a lot of smooth talking from jordan a lot of words a lot of sing-y cadence, mannerisms, but it almost feels like it's talking to cover up.
Is that what you're hearing too? I mean, from listening to the podcast and your other interactions, his interactions with me sound a lot smoother than his interactions with you. I don't, I mean...
So you're saying that maybe I could be the issue is maybe what you're saying. The other option too is sometimes people, when they feel like they're being assessed, they kind of show the best of themselves, you know, and kind of want to be seen in a certain way and kind of do that.
Like they kind of manage their, their public image. Right.
Right. Yes.
It's like when they first caught Ted Bundy, he was quite chatty, pleasant, saying to everyone at the jail, it's so nice to see you, what a lovely jail, because that had always worked for him in the past. Is that the analogy that you're making right here, Stephanie? That's exactly what I was saying, yeah.
Okay, well, listen, Stephanie has made a very good observation observation and I am different depending on who I'm talking to. And I do have many sides of my personality and I truly maintain that they're all genuine sides.
And the person I'm talking to often evokes a certain aspect subdivision of my personality. And it is true that you consistently, I'm gesturing to my co-host Conan, evokes a certain response from me.
Whereas if I were just talking to Stephanie or some of our other colleagues, they may get a different response from me. So what does Conan bring out of you? Yeah, good question.
Well, I'll tell you, Conan has a certain energy. Some may even say polar opposite to my own.
He's very extroverted, very textbook extrovert. He feeds off the energy of others and feels drained when he doesn't get that response from others.
And I'm exactly the opposite. And, you know, Conan, we are the same species, Homo sapiens, but our minds are wired so very differently.
It's hard to believe we're the same species. And when I watch him and I like to observe human beings and humanity in general,

as all aliens do when they visit,

when I watch him and how his mind works,

I marvel at it because in addition to his many talents,

his many tangible talents,

I marvel at how very different his mind is than mine.

He,

he will go out of his way.

If we're on an airplane sitting across the aisle to get my attention,

to yell across the aisle.

And I turn his way and expect

he's going to have some great witty quip.

And he just makes a ridiculous face at me.

And that was so important to him

that he had to yell across a crowded airplane cabin to get.

And I'm thinking I would never,

I could have the best joke or observation in the world.

I would never take that step.

I did do that recently, Stephanie.

He was sitting way across from me on an airplane flight and I yelled across. We were shooting a travel show and I shouted way across the aisles in front of everyone on the plane just so I could make a ridiculous face at him.
And I did it because I saw his face and it was, just had no expression. It was lifeless.
It was a mask and I I had, I mean, I was sitting on an airplane. What kind of expression do you want in that moment? I'm just sitting watching the hours go by.
I think American Airlines deserve more. They do a good job and you could have given them something.
And so I needed to, the pond was too placid and I needed to drop a stone in and watch the concentric rings.

Do you understand that, Stephanie?

But there's nothing wrong with a placid pond.

That's what you're missing here.

You always need movement, but sometimes the silence is where the magic is, the stillness.

There was no magic.

I just saw a weird face across the aisle wearing the same T-shirt you always wear, staring straight ahead.

And it was annoying.

Stephanie, why don't you break in and you talk for a little bit so that Jordanordan can't go ahead okay well i had a question for you conan which is you said you you try to explain jordan to people how what's your like shorthand description of him i usually say we think it's a childhood accident okay that's the best i can come up with and that tends to they they just nod and go yeah you know and i say i don't really know what it was if it was uh you know a truck that stopped too fast and there was a railroad spike in the back and it took out some kind of traumatic brain injury yeah yeah you know those x-rays you see where there's a skull and there's a the the the giant spike going right through it but they tell you the guy lived and he's a practicing lawyer.

I'm always guessing that it was some kind of event like that,

that there's a piece that's missing from Jordan that should be there,

but because someone in a Ford F-150

left a railroad spike in the back

and then stopped short,

Jordan has been an alien his whole life.

Jordan, what do you think?

Okay, while I acknowledge that you and I

have very different personalities,

who's to judge whose personality is superior?

You're implying that your own personality is superior. I'm sorry, it's the Conan and Jordan show and it's on the Conan channel.
Okay. So I guess that would make me the judge.
It's like you're this guy that wandered into the Supreme Court in your loud suit and you're shouting up at a supreme court justice who are you to judge i'm a supreme court justice well i'm no psychologist but to me i detect an air of insecurity and overcompensation i don't need to judge you and who's you're certainly an exceptional human being no question about it thank you and if you compare me to the average human you might think that i'm a bit different and I don't disagree. However, when it comes to assessing which is the superior way to be, that's when things get a little murkier.
And I don't know that we need to have that competition. Stephanie, can you just step in quickly and tell Jordan that I'm better than him? Yeah, I think Conan is better than you.
I love that that's coming from

Oh my god

So that settles it that settles it thank you very much uh stephanie you're a wonderful person and thank you uh thank you so much for calling into the show and for settling this uh question um and that's science that's real science right there. Clearly that I'm better than you.

And Stephanie, best of luck to you. Well, thank you

so much, Stephanie. Really nice talking to you.

Bye-bye. Bye.

She was lovely. I liked her.

And also, I think she

nailed it. I think she just really nailed it.

The convoluted premise

that you use to get into these scenarios just

baffles me. Why the nose

hair intro? Why not just say we have a psychologist on the phone? Why do you feel you need to justify? We didn't know it was a psychologist. Yeah, we didn't know.
It was an accident that was a psychologist. And who knew that it would be a psychologist who immediately took you apart and deduced that you are the monstrous freak that you are.
Hey, that's all the time we have for now. Okay.
And that's not really true.

I have plenty of time left,

but I just can't do this anymore.

So I'm going to wrap this up.

Okay.

That's been this episode

of the Conan and Jordan show.

I think we made big progress.

We learned a lot about a lot of things.

And then a pretty much a woman of science

said that I win and Jordan loses.

Clearly a sound psychological opinion.

We'll see you next time. The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez.
Our supervising producer is Andrew Bruce. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
Got a question for Conan and Jordan? Call the Team Coco hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It, It too could be featured on a future episode.

And if you haven't already, please

subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend

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and tune into Conan O'Brien

Radio, Channel 104

on Sirius XM.

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