The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell

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Speaker 3 A Monday warrior mean, mean strife. Today's Tom Soya mean, mean pride.

Speaker 3 Okay, well, if you're hearing that classic tune, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show.

Speaker 3 And this is a show where I, Conan O'Brien, sit with, well, there's no other better way to say it, my nemesis, my foe,

Speaker 3 someone who over the years has irritated me to an incredible degree, Mr. Jordan Schlansky.
Hi.

Speaker 3 Did you, is your microphone on? I'm not qualified to answer that question. It's not on.
It's not on. It's so funny.
I just thought, wow, he really has no personality.

Speaker 3 I couldn't hear you. Let's try it again.
Say hi. Hi.
You got to leave that in. It's just too good.

Speaker 3 Now I hear you, and I prefer it the other way. Okay.

Speaker 3 Listen, Eduardo, it's not your fault. A lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics.
I'm not sorry.

Speaker 3 We're also joined by Frank Smiley, who's here to help us out navigate these waters and maybe intervene if a fist fight should break out. That's right.

Speaker 3 You know, Jordan, how many years have we been together? Approximately 30. Approximately 30 years.
You came to work for me as a very young man and fritted your life away. Sure.

Speaker 3 You have bilked me

Speaker 3 incredible amount of money. I don't know what you do.

Speaker 3 We've never quite figured out what your task was on the old late night show or now. Did you say I've built you money or I've milked him? Bilked.
Built. Bilked.
B-I-L-K. Bilked.
Bilked. B-I-L-K-E-D.

Speaker 3 As in Sergeant Bilko, as in bilked him. I took him for a ride.
I squeezed him for cash. So bilked is like milked, not built.
I didn't build you money.

Speaker 3 I didn't help you build an empire. No one said you'd build it.
You know how like the second employee of Apple in 1976 is a multi-billionaire?

Speaker 3 Because they got in a time where Apple wasn't a sure thing. They were risking their potential future.

Speaker 3 They could have chosen Saturday Night Live when they were offered an internship on one of two shows, but they took the one that was on 13-week renewals.

Speaker 3 Now, you know, in that situation, like if you look at the tech, the history of the tech companies, the secretaries at Apple and Microsoft are now billionaires.

Speaker 3 Now, I kind of equate myself to that type of situation. I came in in the early days.
There were no guarantees. It was a little bit rough.

Speaker 3 And I expect at this point, 30 years later, I would be sitting pretty on a pile of cash. Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine.
You've been paid a salary since almost day one.

Speaker 3 Is there any way I can turn him down a bit? The other one on your left thigh. Yeah, it's just a control.
It's awful. I mean, you had another guest in here at the same volume.

Speaker 3 What was the problem there? That was someone I respected. That was Tracy Ellis Ross.
She's fantastic. Your other thigh.
Why is the button?

Speaker 3 Why is this goddamn? Oh, oh, oh, that's great. Oh, that's great.
You said your left thigh. Why did you even have it in the same room? Why didn't you put the switch?

Speaker 3 You know, speaking of Tracy Ellis Ross, she asked you about bar soap or liquid soap. You neglected to mention the most important factor in that question, the pH level.

Speaker 3 You see, liquid soap is often a detergent.

Speaker 3 Sometimes it's actually a soap, that is to say a saponified fat, but often it's a detergent, which has a lower pH closer to that of your skin naturally the problem with soap is that it disrupts the acid mantle of the skin

Speaker 3 well listen um

Speaker 3 you are referencing a podcast interview you referenced it i supported your training all i mentioned was tracy ellis ross which is the previous podcast all i mentioned is an aspect of the tracy ellis ross interview right which no one listening to this right now on sxm has probably listened to yet so everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp you're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats Jordan, let's stick to the basics, okay?

Speaker 3 You've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years.
I've supported you. I've paid

Speaker 3 your salary.

Speaker 3 I haven't become a multi-millionaire despite getting in at the early days when I could have lost my job at any point, but still stuck with you through thick and thin.

Speaker 3 So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on late night with Conan O'Brien 30 years ago should be a billionaire now.

Speaker 3 I'm saying Steve Jobs secretary can buy this entire complex.

Speaker 3 I prefer the term assistant. Yes.
Do you say, hey, stewardess, get over here and give me some of those bag nuts. At the time, she was probably referred to as a secretary.

Speaker 3 Nevertheless, I expect that there might be some kind of financial sense of accomplishment as opposed to my. Well, guess what? This is your big reward.
Yes.

Speaker 3 Of all the people who started interning with me way back in whatever, 1995, 96, I think as I look around, you're the only one that has your own show with Conan O'Brien on SXM. So shut up.

Speaker 3 Shut up. Kind of like a trumpy voice.
Shut up.

Speaker 3 You're fired. You know, that kind of Trump thing.
You're fired, right? Right. Isn't that a funny impression?

Speaker 3 I'm just saying that you're sitting here now. Yeah.
You are one half of

Speaker 3 a show that's on SXM, and you should be grateful for that. Yeah, Yeah, I am.
Do you see other interns that you started with?

Speaker 3 The other interns you started with are all dead or in jail. You're here with your own show on the Sirius XM dial.
Okay. Okay.
Yes. So just settle down.
Sure. Now,

Speaker 3 I do want to talk to you about something kind of exciting. Okay.

Speaker 3 You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan show, I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening

Speaker 3 because this is a nightmare for me.

Speaker 3 You mentioned earlier that you had once entered entered a Guinness contest. That's true.
Where you write a limerick. I wrote a limerick.
I'm saying you mentioned at the time.

Speaker 3 And so that's why I was using the past tense. I was talking about what you did do.

Speaker 3 If I was in the process of writing it at this very moment, then you could say you write a limerick. Any other context, I wrote a limerick, yes, back in the 90s.

Speaker 3 I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's beside the point.

Speaker 3 You,

Speaker 3 if I'm not mistaken, said that you entered this contest. And at at that time, you wrote a limerick as part of the contest.

Speaker 3 You liked your limerick, and I remember thinking, that was a pretty good limerick. Do you want to repeat it for us? Oh, yes.

Speaker 3 Well, for those unfamiliar with the concept of a limerick, it's a specific Indian.

Speaker 3 No need. You can just say it.

Speaker 3 Across ire, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled to Cold Guinness.
Hence, the lad's pot of gold was that stout.

Speaker 3 I think that's very good. I'm serious.
That is a very good. You entered it and you did not win.
And what was the prize? Well, I don't remember exactly. I believe it may have been a trip to Ireland.

Speaker 3 I've never been to Ireland. I'd love to go to Ireland.

Speaker 4 It was actually a pub.

Speaker 3 A pub. A pub in Ireland.
You get to own a pub.

Speaker 3 Even better. And can you imagine owning a pub? I was just there.
Owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing. It would be fantastic.
It could be a dream. That's like having

Speaker 3 an Airbnb on the water in Maine. That's just like a quintessential, wonderful experience.
You entered and you did not win. Is that correct?

Speaker 3 I was never notified about any development one way or the other. Well, I have the information here.
Okay.

Speaker 3 And the winner, the 1996, that's when you entered? Somewhere around there. Guinness SA Contest winner was Shan Weston from Friday Harbor, Washington.
I don't know Friday Harbor.

Speaker 3 Of course, my wife is from Washington.

Speaker 4 Of course. I think near the San Juan Islands.

Speaker 3 Near the San Juan Islands, of which I'm quite familiar with. I've been there with my

Speaker 3 bride. A great wine in Washington State, by the way.
Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator.
She won.

Speaker 3 She entered the contest and she won the Shawnake Pub in County Clare. She won a pub.
Oh, well,

Speaker 3 there's a picture of her. There she is.
Oh, yeah. She won the contest

Speaker 3 that you failed to win.

Speaker 3 And 55,000 people in the United States entered the contest.

Speaker 3 And she won. Okay.

Speaker 4 By the way, you didn't need to

Speaker 4 write a limerick.

Speaker 4 The contest was actually 50 words or less.

Speaker 3 I think you may be referring to a similar contest in an adjacent year. Nevertheless,

Speaker 3 same year, 96 years.

Speaker 3 I believe there was an essay one year, and maybe a limerick. There was definitely a limerick involved.

Speaker 4 Well, you chose to write a limerick. I spoke to the people at Guinness, and they informed me that it was.

Speaker 3 It was your choice to do a limerick. And a limerick was not required.
Listen to me. There's a marketing team at Guinness.

Speaker 3 I'm sure there are a bunch of 30 somethings and they get wind of this and they talk to each other is this true is this true well ask ron he's the old-timer around here he was back here in the 90s and they go to ron and ron's you know kind of moved up the ladder a little bit but never really achieved greatness at the company to the point where he could retire so they ask ron was there a thing and he's like yeah there's something about an essay and they look up the essay and maybe the essay was 96 and mine was 95.

Speaker 3 jordan you you i would never choose to write a limerick if i could have written an essay i don't want to be confined you are confused that you're not remembering correctly which is probably a problem that some having there.

Speaker 3 There was a contest for a limerick. It was specifically a limerick.
Frank, I look like someone that would just decide to write a limerick.

Speaker 3 Frank, well, first of all, you look like a lot of things and it's all-encompassing. Frank, you've done the research on this.
Yes, I see. And you've talked to Guinness, and they said that

Speaker 3 the contest that Jordan entered,

Speaker 3 it did not have to be a limerick.

Speaker 4 No, 50 words or less.

Speaker 3 Guinness is. Yeah, Guinness is.
And you decided to write a limerick. My limerick had nothing to do with Guinness is.
I'm telling you, these were two separate contests. They had a thing.

Speaker 3 They went through a period where, like, every year they had a contest and there was a prize. Nevertheless,

Speaker 3 it's the same intent. You write, you use your creative literary skills to

Speaker 3 yelling. And I don't want you to understand.

Speaker 3 I'm just saying I was not in direct competition with this woman, but we are compatriots. We are counterparts, maybe one year apart.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Anyway, Guinness,

Speaker 3 I'm sure they're going to rescind this once they hear your insane rant, but Guinness did respond to your limerick. Okay.
They got back to us with their own limerick. Oh.
And here's how it goes.

Speaker 3 There once was a man who loved Guinness. He entered a competition feeling ambitious.
Still upset he didn't win with 30 years in the bin. Jordan, please accept a pint as forgiveness.

Speaker 3 And Guinness has sent Guinness over for everyone at Larchmont, that's our company here, to enjoy. And

Speaker 3 so, Jordan, you didn't win, but I'm getting a free Guinness, which is

Speaker 3 and I don't know why Frank's getting one. What the fuck did he do?

Speaker 3 Well, it's important.

Speaker 3 I set this up. You did, yeah.

Speaker 3 By the way, your 30-year grudge

Speaker 3 has actually. You're pouring that wrong, and it's making me crazy.
I took a Guinness pouring class, and you're doing that all wrong, and it's making me insane. Anyway,

Speaker 3 that's okay. That's all right.
I don't have a glass because you only look after number one.

Speaker 3 Oh, you have a glass. You just didn't want to share it with me.
That's great.

Speaker 3 When I said that was all sarcastic, I don't really think it's right.

Speaker 3 You know, I take your point about taking a pouring class because there is a very specific way to do it.

Speaker 3 There are YouTube videos of bartenders kind of trolling customers and pouring it the wrong way, and it's fascinating to see people know how much head's supposed to be on there.

Speaker 3 Not too little, not too much. Nevertheless, I don't drink beer myself, but I gotta say, I'm not gonna touch that line with a 30-foot pole.

Speaker 3 I appreciate the sentiment, even if the second line in the limerick had a meter that was slightly too verbose. Can I just say one thing?

Speaker 3 You're supposed to imagine there's usually a harp on the, on any Guinness glass, and you imagine on the first pour,

Speaker 3 you get it, you angle it, you hit the side of the glass, and you go up to the harp, and then you wait for the head to settle.

Speaker 3 Because these are from cans, it's not quite the same experience, but then you finish it up, and I'll do that in just a minute.

Speaker 3 Jordan, you didn't win, but we got our free Guinness, which is nice. Yeah, and I think they just, if I'm not wrong, Guinness,

Speaker 3 we just talked about Guinness for about 15 minutes, and we were each paid one one can of Guinness,

Speaker 3 which makes Guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid. So I'm not getting

Speaker 3 a trip to Ireland. How do you know why I haven't been paid off?

Speaker 3 Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness for a really long time because there's going to be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galilli on the coast of Gali Balali.

Speaker 3 So I wouldn't put anything past him. Right.

Speaker 4 Nice.

Speaker 3 Creamy. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 How come you're not drinking any Guinness? I told you, I don't drink beer. And frankly, while I appreciate the sentiment.

Speaker 3 I see now why you lost the contest as a beer hater.

Speaker 3 Well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness,

Speaker 3 known beer hater, Jordan Schlansky. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I once tasted something I hated, and then I knew I was faded. And then there's rest, you know.
To lose the contest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, liking the beer was not a qualification of entry. All I'm saying is, look, I appreciate the sentiment.
This is a nice PR story, but let's look at the facts. I did not get a trip to Ireland.

Speaker 3 I certainly did not get a pub in Ireland.

Speaker 3 I got one can of a beverage that I don't even drink. And in addition to the effort that I put in 30 years ago,

Speaker 3 you have... as you mentioned, advertised the product quite extravagantly.
Nevertheless, I see four cans of this beverage on the table in return.

Speaker 3 I took mine off the table when I realized we weren't getting paid for this.

Speaker 3 Frank, who probably is getting a pub, has kept his can on the table. You should take yours off because you're getting nothing out of this.

Speaker 3 I didn't know you could

Speaker 3 win a public. That's so cool.
Sounds a little bit like a headache, though. Not at all.
No, no, no. There's no, never any problems in an Irish pub.
All right.

Speaker 3 We're going to take a little break. Okay.
We'll come back with more of

Speaker 3 the Conan and Jordan show. And we're going to have have show and tell.
We're going to have show and tell. Oh, that'll be interesting.
Jordan? Show and tell. Okay.

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Our bodies were not prepared for the pain that ensued.

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If you're in basic shape and somewhat flexible, this is the game for you. Five stars.

Speaker 3 You know, it's very rare for someone to be doing something with a product and have their spine break in half and give it a five-star review. That is very rare.
Yeah. This person's a very good sport.

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Speaker 3 Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky.
We have a little segment here. This is called Jordan Show and Tell, where

Speaker 3 you've brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you and you want to show it to us. Yeah, I was asked to bring in a product that

Speaker 3 I identify with or that I believe in. Now, I'll start by saying that I try to buy very few products in my life.

Speaker 3 I believe that we can live minimally, but the products that I do buy, I want them to be of a very high quality. I want them to have something special about them.

Speaker 3 And then I have to buy fewer products going forward because they last longer. Now, life used to be simple 25 years ago, okay?

Speaker 3 If you wanted to buy a nose hair trimmer in the United States, you may have bought the Panasonic ER409. This is my own unit from about 25 years ago.

Speaker 3 So this, let me explain to the viewer, you've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator. Okay.

Speaker 3 And it's a Panasonic. Yeah.
And this is from the 90s, 2000s? Sure. I don't have the exact lineage of it, but that's about the time I started trimming my nose hair.

Speaker 3 I can't tell you if it started growing in then or if I just became aware of it then. But this is a relic.
This is an ancient relic.

Speaker 3 If you look on the bottom, you'll see that it's made in Japan, of course, Panasonic's headquarters. I never thought much about nose trimmers, but I didn't have to.

Speaker 3 I simply trimmed my nose hair with that. And you can trim ear hair as well if you choose.

Speaker 3 And that was the end of it.

Speaker 3 It was a successful operation. operation.
Yes. And then the operation was a success.
The operation was a success. And then this product was damaged.
I may have dropped it. I don't remember.

Speaker 3 It may have just failed due to its age. Nevertheless.
If it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself

Speaker 3 to cut a tiny little gun and shot its brains out.

Speaker 3 Have you noticed that a lot of your products commit suicide at a certain point?

Speaker 3 I'm sorry. So the guns are in closure.

Speaker 3 I can't. I can't.
I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns.

Speaker 3 And every now and then in your house, you're trying to sleep and you hear a

Speaker 3 tiny little shot. You go in and, oh,

Speaker 3 my hairdryer's dead.

Speaker 3 sometimes they leave a little note.

Speaker 3 If I had to listen to him

Speaker 3 pronounce Socratic bullshit one more time.

Speaker 3 Oh my god, my stomach hurts. My chest hurts.

Speaker 3 My whole body falling apart. I'm sorry.
I respect inanimate objects, okay? It's like a Japanese mentality, okay? I treasure these.

Speaker 3 If they were sentient, I think they would value the way I treated them. Nevertheless, I went to replace this product when it was damaged.

Speaker 3 I live in the United States and I was served this Panasonic ER411. This is disgusting.

Speaker 3 What? What are you talking about? This is oversized. It's light and plastic.
It looks like a rocket ship. The cutting mechanism, I actually replaced.

Speaker 3 This had been discontinued, but I was able to buy the cutting part. I replaced it.
Wait a minute. You bought, how much did that cost? I don't know, $15.
Okay, you buy a $15

Speaker 3 nose trimmer,

Speaker 3 and then you went to the trouble to replace the blade? Yeah, this was an inadequate product. This was no longer made in Japan.

Speaker 3 It was made in a country that is arguably known for some lower quality production methods.

Speaker 3 It looks like a rocket ship. It draws unnecessary attention to itself.
It's a bright silver color.

Speaker 3 This was what you would get as an American

Speaker 3 after the glory days of nose hair trimmers. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I don't see a huge difference. This one

Speaker 3 is telling that you don't see a difference between those hairs. Well, one is silver and one is gray.

Speaker 3 We define ourselves by the objects we interact with every day.

Speaker 3 I surround myself with beauty, with high levels of aesthetic pleasure, and it's not only putting on beautiful clothes, it's also using a beautiful nose hair trimmer. It's also

Speaker 3 understanding that everything we interact with defines our life. So I wanted a well-made product.
I was not happy with this product, but I thought it was my only option.

Speaker 3 So I trimmed my nose hair unhappily with that product. And when did this one commit suicide?

Speaker 3 You found this guy hanging.

Speaker 3 Woo! So then I visited the country of Japan

Speaker 3 and I found out that Panasonic sells a different nose hair trimmer model for the Japanese clientele. Oh, so they sell us the inferior one.
The ERGN10, and look how sleek and stylish this product is.

Speaker 3 This thing feels amazing in the hand. It's perfectly balanced.
It's reminiscent of my old ER409. This is from

Speaker 3 this is from today. Why do you know the serial numbers? And since I was in Japan,

Speaker 3 I knew that this was not going to last forever, despite the fact that it is still made in Japan in a high quality. So I bought spares.
And then I found that on my second trip, they had come out.

Speaker 3 with the ER,

Speaker 3 originally with the ERGN 10, then they came out with the ERGN 11. I bought two of those.
Hold on a second. Let me see this.
Look at the beautiful, just look at the packaging.

Speaker 3 I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products. Look at your eyes.
You look insane. Why do they sell this to Americans and this beauty?

Speaker 3 Why do they sell this disgusting rocket ship to Americans and this beautiful piece of machinery to the Japanese clientele? I mean, I just, I don't understand the logic of that. But nevertheless.

Speaker 3 How many of these did you buy? I bought four of them.

Speaker 3 But the point is. Now, I can see you being a little worried that you should have bought a fifth.
You take what you're given. I don't know what kind of nose hair trimmer you.

Speaker 3 You just buy whatever is available. I seek out high quality wherever on the planet it may lie.

Speaker 3 What do you even use to trim your nose? You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Little scissors.
Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Wait a minute.

Speaker 3 Why do you have to bring that up? That's hurtful.

Speaker 3 What does that have to do with anything? You don't employ a hair and makeup person. What are you talking about?

Speaker 3 I still do big gigs. I still do live shows.

Speaker 3 Of course, you may contract one intermittently, but I'm saying that's not going to take care of your nose hair on a regular basis. You use those things.
I use little scissors.

Speaker 3 How do you get rid of that quantity of hair with a simple manual device?

Speaker 3 My nose is not pumping out tons of hair every day.

Speaker 3 There's got to be over 100 hair, individual hairs between those two nostrils.

Speaker 3 Are you telling me? I use a little scissors. How long does that even take? And it's a little bit curved.
Are you confident in the quality of your work?

Speaker 3 I just don't. I know that if I look in that nose right now and I shown a light in there, if you're using manual scissors, there's no way you're accomplishing

Speaker 3 whisker removal. I make little, I'm like Edward Scissor hands, I make little topiaries.

Speaker 3 i have a little dinosaur in this one right now it's not a lizard in that it's not often talked about you have hair removal challenges you have shaving problems and you always have i'll come in and i'll see you what are you talking about patches of hair on your face isolated patches of hair i don't know how when you have resources available to you i don't know how this passes inspection i'll come in one day you've got like a little you've shaved but you've got like a tuft of red hair under your under your nose where your mustache would be you've got like a random, your neck a lot of times have like, you have shaving problems.

Speaker 3 And just acknowledge.

Speaker 3 Say about my neck. You have shovels.

Speaker 3 Say about my neck. You'll have a clump of hair sticking out of your neck in an arbitrary position.
Do you want to know what the problem is? Would you like me to tell you? Yeah. Okay.
I get very bad.

Speaker 3 I have very sensitive skin. And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps.
You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair there? You think that looks like that? No,

Speaker 3 I don't deliberately leave it there. I see it.

Speaker 3 I shave it, but sometimes I try to do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much and maybe i leave a stray hair and you know what this is hurtful this is this is hurtful hair this is a clump of hair

Speaker 3 i'm not concerned with individual hairs hurtful i'm just asking you hurtful do you feel if you can improve in some way by listening to the things i have to say why do you have to ridicule i'm telling you i'm not ridiculous

Speaker 3 product you have the you have the means why do i have to buy it

Speaker 3 you've got 15 in a bag you motherfucker give me one scissors why why are you saying i have to buy one i'm not giving you one of these yes you are i don't have the refuel if you have what are you talking about I'll buy one from you for twice its price.

Speaker 3 You paid $8 to me? I'll give you $16. This is priceless to me.
I'm not going to, I'm not going to put a price tag on this. The ERG $100.

Speaker 3 If someone's

Speaker 3 nothing better than you, don't ridicule, just be like, I learned something. Give me $100.
Oh, it's Sokratis. Oh, it's Kaiser.
I understand. Oh, you can be more efficient shaving your nose.

Speaker 3 I'll give you $200.

Speaker 3 I'll give you $200. Okay.

Speaker 3 Say yes.

Speaker 3 Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're going to get that you made a huge profit off.
Give it to me right now.

Speaker 3 Do I have $200 on me? I don't know if I do. Maybe I do.
I'm not giving it back.

Speaker 3 Don't expect that when we walk out of this door, I'm giving it back. You don't have to give it back.
Do you want the ERGN10 or the GN11? What the difference is it? I don't know.

Speaker 3 I'm not clear on what the difference is. That's something I'm curious about, but it's written in Japanese, so you can get.
Well, what's the latest version? Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 3 I'm going to guess if there's the ERGN10 and the ERGN11. I'm going to guess maybe the ERGN11 is more recent.
Maybe they're going in a backwards lumbering scheme.

Speaker 3 If I ever see the GN9, I know that that's a steal. I mean, these are just basic questions.
I don't need to read Japanese or understand anything specific about nose hair.

Speaker 3 Just give me everything you have. No.

Speaker 3 You think you have more than 200 in cash on you? Yeah. I go to strip clubs sometimes.

Speaker 3 I think that's, you were yelling at me. And you upset me because you said that my face was all fucked up.

Speaker 3 I'm just saying saying you have room for improvement this is nothing to be ashamed about this is something to embrace i can help you improve two

Speaker 3 okay there's 100 really 200 what if we go you offer 200 i know but what if i what if i i take it down a little bit now no i'll give you 100 hold on hold on you want 200 seals the deal yeah okay there it is it's 200 okay which one do you want why don't you choose take this you want this one no i want the one i want one in a box asshole i don't want one that's been up your ass two hours ago.

Speaker 3 This is not what I use for my ass. Oh, what do you use for that?

Speaker 3 Listen. What goes up there? Seriously.

Speaker 3 What goes up the old bottom?

Speaker 3 I don't remove hair in that area. Why would you leave that there? Why? I don't have any problem with that hair.
What do you mean?

Speaker 3 I have no problem with that area. Why do one orifice and not just...
This one is visible.

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 this one is, you know, displayed. Uh-huh.
Yeah. I think the other's been displayed at times, frankly.
What battery does this take? That takes a double A battery, I reckon.

Speaker 3 Do we have a double A around here? I'd like to try and see if I can get this thing going.

Speaker 3 Well, if you've got a double A in mind, you may not want the nose trimmer itself, but you could take my battery, I hope. Yeah, I'll take my battery.

Speaker 3 I mean, the battery's been in indirect contact with my nose and ears. It's okay.

Speaker 3 This is brand new. Now, you stick that up your nose, and

Speaker 3 if I hear a grinding sound.

Speaker 3 Hear that? Yeah, I hear it. Hear that? Yep.
yeah if I hear a grind

Speaker 3 you're clearly not doing a good job with your scissors

Speaker 3 that's all that was all left behind so that what you're here what you're hearing is the actual grinding of some hair I think I did a pretty good job with scissors not from what I'm hearing that

Speaker 3 oh my god

Speaker 3 oh my god oh my god blasts has like four hairs in it pretty blast and it just keeps going you're just still in the same nostril you're in the same nostalgia

Speaker 3 so how often do you do this you do this every day uh every tuesday and friday i find it the most efficient days to read you know what i hope

Speaker 3 i do hope you're murdered soon this is a new nostril yeah you haven't even gotten to your ears yet years yeah do you still feel like your quaint scissor method is efficient you know what i have to say this is better yeah this is better than the scissors and you don't have to worry about this disgusting device and you claim that you don't learn anything or that there's no value in the knowledge that i have and look at you now

Speaker 3 look at you now you know what i love i I love that your look at you now is about this.

Speaker 3 You know, it's supposed to be about something bigger, like you said that you were better than me, and that was 50 years ago, but now I encounter you and counter you and you're a hobo. Look at you now.

Speaker 3 But you use it on,

Speaker 3 you said

Speaker 3 that my information was incorrect, but I suggested this nose hair trimmer, and now you're using it. Look at you now.
It's so small.

Speaker 3 There's nothing that I can tell you that you haven't heard before. That's not that.
Or that's of any value to you. No,

Speaker 3 you're at a level. No, that's not.
You're at a level where you have the top advisors begging to give you their information.

Speaker 3 I remember when you had these personal trainers in the 90s, you had these guys like, oh, no, Will Arnett. This is Will Arnett's guy.

Speaker 3 And I started to give you nutrition advice. You're like, please, I think I've got this covered.
I've got Will Arnett's personal. No, it was actually Will Arnett.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Will Arnett was training me. And I would see these protein powders in your office, and they were like low-quality soy proteins with like incomplete amino acid profiles.

Speaker 3 And you're like, don't don't worry, I've got the best

Speaker 3 in the business. You let me eat incomplete amino acids?

Speaker 3 You have this theory where you're special and you want the best of everything, but you have, you know, you assume that there's nothing that I can tell you that I can't get a better answer on from someone else.

Speaker 3 Jordan, if I wanted to demanded the best in everything, explain your presence.

Speaker 3 I mean, seriously.

Speaker 3 Who else in your life is going to tell you about the ERGN11? No other soul on this planet would ever tell you about this. This cost me $200.
Yeah, that's a lot.

Speaker 3 Well, you have to take into account that I cannot easily replace it. There was a plane ticket involved.
I brought it into the country. I imported it.

Speaker 3 I mean, there's a lot of middlemen that were proud of the deal. You're right.
You're right. All fair points.
And I am going to use this, and I appreciate it.

Speaker 3 Again, let's get the word out on the Panasonic ERGN11, only available in Japan. You can't get this.
If one is resourceful, I'm sure they can find a way to obtain it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I just love that you have this sad little bag.

Speaker 3 I don't know. It just, I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 Just, it looks, come on, don't stare at me with hate. It just, you have to admit you have a little

Speaker 3 bag and you're carrying it around. And I admit I have a bag with nose hair turning.

Speaker 3 These are cool. I mean, this is, you know, I'm going to say something.
These are

Speaker 3 nice. Yeah.
Now I'm, I'm going to go home tonight. And my wife expects me.

Speaker 3 She's going to notice your clean nose, I presume. And she, And not just today, but going forward.
This device may last you many years. Does this also work on the ears? Yeah.
Now, be honest.

Speaker 3 Have you used it on the ass? Be honest. No.
Have you used anything on the ass? No. Have you ever looked back there?

Speaker 3 Be honest. Not that I'm aware of.

Speaker 3 Not that I'm aware of. Well, I mean, sometimes when you're in a certain transcendental state, you might take a look.

Speaker 3 I have no recollection of looking at my buttocks in the way that I believe you're referring to. Okay.
It doesn't concern you. Have you?

Speaker 3 Have I what?

Speaker 3 Looked at your

Speaker 3 anus, I guess, is where you were going with this?

Speaker 3 That's a very personal question.

Speaker 3 That was just asked of me, so I'm familiar with the question. All right.
Well, I think this has been a very successful segment. Once again, Jordan has hoodwinked me.
It's a good product.

Speaker 3 Did I pay too much? Yes, I did. Will I try and get the money out of Frank Smiley afterwards? Probably.
Will I also keep the Panasonic ERGN11? Yes, I will. So I'm determined to come out ahead.

Speaker 3 But I'm going to let it go for now. But yes, during the show, it will have all the appearances of me showing out 200 clams.

Speaker 3 Oh, quick advice. Where does the hair go?

Speaker 3 Does it go into a chamber at the top? You'll have to clean that out from now. Well, guess what? Yeah.
That's Conan O'Brien nose hair. Yeah.
I could sell that.

Speaker 3 If they sell Lelvis' sweat, I could sell O'Brien's nose hair. And you know what? There'd be someone listening right now who would want to buy it.

Speaker 3 You know, there's somebody on the line right now do you want to ask someone's been listening and they're on the line yes that's fantastic let's put this person on the line this is exciting what if i could sell my nose hair what's patched through hello this is i'm told this is stephanie in illinois stephanie are you there yeah oh hey how are you i'm good this is the highlight of my day well i mean day isn't much i was hoping you'd say like week or month but okay i'll take you know what i'm gonna take day i'm not gonna get greedy stephanie it's very nice to talk to you uh as you know we've been I just use this amazing product.

Speaker 3 I trim the insides of my nose, my nostrils.

Speaker 3 And I was talking about maybe someone would buy my nose hair. Is that something that you would ever consider?

Speaker 5 I would consider it for a little bit of time. And then, I mean, maybe I could sell it and make some money off of it.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I don't know.

Speaker 3 When you said you would consider it, it sounds like you'd consider it for a microsecond and then it'd be pretty

Speaker 5 pretty short amount of time.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you know what? I respect you because I think only an idiot would buy my nose hair.

Speaker 3 And I think you made the right call. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Stephanie.

Speaker 3 What's your occupation?

Speaker 5 I'm a licensed psychologist, and I work in a university counseling center.

Speaker 3 Seriously?

Speaker 3 Yes. So this is good because I'm sitting here.
I do this show occasionally with, I guess I'm going to call him a friend of mine. I don't know what the term is, Jordan Schlansky.

Speaker 3 Are you familiar with him at all? yep okay

Speaker 3 people seem to know him a lot of people stop me and ask me what's the deal with jordan

Speaker 3 and i want to say that's i've spent a good chunk of my life trying to explain him to other people you say that you're a psychologist yes and so you are trained to understand

Speaker 3 um the human psyche the mind behavioral patterns you've probably been personality personality uh

Speaker 3 tell me and and Jordan's here. You can say hello, Jordan.
Hello, Stephanie. Yeah.

Speaker 3 What is your take on Jordan Schlansky?

Speaker 3 Hello?

Speaker 5 I mean, that's a, yeah, no, that's just a pause.

Speaker 3 Oh,

Speaker 3 that was a pause. Oh, my God.
That's not good. That's not a good sign.
I thought we had, I thought all communications had dropped and that you had gone off the grid.

Speaker 3 That was a pause because you don't know what to say?

Speaker 3 That's stunning.

Speaker 5 That's correct. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, I mean, let's talk. Do you want to have any questions for Jordan?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I've got a lot of questions. Let's get into it.

Speaker 3 He just walked into your office. You're familiar with some of his videos.
Let's imagine you know Jordan. You've seen his videos and he walks into the office.

Speaker 3 And let's get to it.

Speaker 5 I guess I'd be most interested to know what his biggest problems are in his life. Like what causes him distress?

Speaker 3 I'm pretty content, to be honest with you.

Speaker 3 I don't really have any chronic conditions, psychological or otherwise.

Speaker 3 You know, basic human responses. We have fear in frightful situations, and we may feel anxious in situations that would classically inspire such a reaction.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't say I fall victim to a lot of the.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry. You're just describing the human species.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You're talking about Homo sapiens. That's not what we're talking about.
We're We're talking about you specifically. And,

Speaker 3 you know.

Speaker 3 Well, I feel content. I know my strengths and my weaknesses, and I know my characteristics, and

Speaker 3 I'm quite content with them.

Speaker 3 You know, I know my limitations and my... I'm quite familiar with your limitations.

Speaker 3 What I want to say, Jordan, is that you are not. You say you're content, but all you ever do when we talk is bitch at me that you don't think you've gotten enough out of the Conan O'Brien.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm talking about my own psychology. Your treatment of me over the years in financially and otherwise is a completely different subject.

Speaker 3 I'm talking about psychologically, I'm introverted, which I don't think is any secret. And certainly a psychologist would likely read that right away.

Speaker 3 INTP, if you're a fan of the Myers-Briggs classification system.

Speaker 3 I'm not a fan of that.

Speaker 3 Excuse me. I'm going to let you jump in here, Stephanie, because if I don't bully him out of the way, you'll never get a chance.

Speaker 5 Well, go ahead. My other question.
so, sometimes the problem is not that you're in distress, but it's that the other people around you are in distress.

Speaker 5 So, that would be my kind of other question: is how do most people kind of

Speaker 5 respond to you?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's a good question. That is a good question.
Um, I get a lot of different responses. Do you understand?

Speaker 3 I'm going to guess that a lot of people get mostly consistent responses from those around them, with you know, a few outlying responses. But, um, I get very different responses from different people.

Speaker 3 I find some people despise me, and I find,

Speaker 3 but I find that an equal, if not more, number of people embrace me.

Speaker 3 And I think that if you average it all out, it equals a normal person's response.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 mine is a bit polarizing with equal numbers on both sides. And I guess there are a few apathetic in the middle that really don't care one way or the other.

Speaker 3 So you're saying, so basically what you just said is you're a normal guy. 40% of people despise you.
40%

Speaker 3 40%

Speaker 3 are fine with you. And then 20% in the middle have no opinion.
That does not sound, Stephanie, to me, like the normal response an average human gets. What do you think?

Speaker 5 I don't know. It doesn't sound normal.
That's.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm not concerned with being normal. That was never high on my priority list.
I think that comes across. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I like to think that I'm a good person. And in the end, overall, I increase the quality of the lives of people around me.
Of course, there are a few exceptions, inevitable.

Speaker 3 That's just attrition, as you get in business and life in general. But I try to be a good person.
I try to improve the world around me and my limited time here on this earth.

Speaker 3 But of course, I don't hit it out of the park every single time. And, you know, some people are easy to read.

Speaker 3 And I may have more of a stoic demeanor, even if it doesn't necessarily represent what's going on inside me. And some people, when when faced with that kind of blank slate,

Speaker 3 find it off-putting and intimidating in a way. And I understand that and respect that.
Stephanie, let me ask you quickly.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You're the expert here, and I'd like to hear a lot more from you and a lot less from Jordan.

Speaker 3 But my take here is I hear a lot of smooth talking from Jordan, a lot of words. a lot of sing-song-y cadence, mannerisms, but it almost feels like it's talking to cover up.

Speaker 3 Is that that what you're hearing too?

Speaker 5 I mean, from listening to the podcast and your other interactions, his interactions with me sound a lot smoother than his interactions with you.

Speaker 3 I don't, I mean, so you're saying that maybe

Speaker 3 I could be the issue is maybe what you're saying.

Speaker 5 The other option, too, is sometimes people, when they feel like they're being assessed, they kind of show the best of themselves, you know, and kind of want to be seen in a certain way and kind of do that.

Speaker 5 Like,

Speaker 5 um

Speaker 5 they kind of manage their their public image more right

Speaker 3 yes it's like when they first caught ted bundy he was quite chatty pleasant saying to everyone at the jail it's so nice to see you what a lovely jail um because that had always worked for him in the past is that is that the analogy that you're making right here stephanie That's exactly what I was saying.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Okay. Well, listen, Stephanie has made a very good observation.
And I am different depending on who I'm talking to. And I do have many sides of my personality.

Speaker 3 And I truly maintain that they're all genuine,

Speaker 3 many sides. And the person I'm talking to often evokes a certain aspect, subdivision of my personality.

Speaker 3 And it is true that you consistently, I'm gesturing to my co-host Conan, evokes a certain response from me.

Speaker 3 Whereas if I were just talking to Stephanie or some of our other colleagues, they may get a different response from me.

Speaker 5 So what does Conan bring out of you?

Speaker 3 Yeah, good question. Well, I'll tell you, Conan has a certain energy.
Some may even say polar opposite to my own. He's very extroverted, very textbook extrovert.

Speaker 3 He feeds off the energy of others and feels drained when he doesn't get that response from others. And I'm exactly the opposite.

Speaker 3 And, you know, Conan, we are the same species, Homo sapiens, but our minds are wired so very differently. It's hard to believe we're the same species.

Speaker 3 And when I watch him, and I like to observe human beings and humanity in general. Sure, as all aliens do when they visit?

Speaker 3 When I watch him and how his mind works, I marvel at it because in addition to his many talents, his many tangible talents, I marvel at how very different his mind is than mine.

Speaker 3 He will go out of his way if we're on an airplane sitting across the aisle to get my attention, to yell across the aisle.

Speaker 3 And I turn his way and expect he's going to have some great witty quip and he just makes a ridiculous face at me. And

Speaker 3 that was so important to him that he had to yell across a crowded airplane cabin to get. And I'm thinking, I would never, I could have the best joke or observation in the world.

Speaker 3 I would never take that. I did do that recently, Stephanie.
He was sitting way across from me

Speaker 3 on an airplane flight, and I yelled across, we were on a, shooting a travel show, and I shouted way across the aisles in front of everyone on the plane just so I could make a ridiculous face at him.

Speaker 3 And I did it because I saw his face. And it just had no expression.
It was lifeless. It was a mask.
And

Speaker 3 I had to. I mean, I was sitting on an airplane.
What kind of expression do you want in that moment? I'm just sitting, watching the hours go by. I think American Airlines deserved more.

Speaker 3 They do a good job, and you could have given them

Speaker 3 something.

Speaker 3 And so I needed to, the pond was too placid, and I needed to drop a stone in and watch the concentric rings. Do you understand that, Stephanie? But there's nothing wrong with a placid pond.

Speaker 3 That's what you're missing here. You always need movement, but sometimes the silence is where the magic is, the stillness.
There was no magic.

Speaker 3 I just saw a weird face across the aisle wearing the same t-shirt you always wear, staring straight ahead. And it was annoying.

Speaker 3 Stephanie, why don't you break in and you talk for a little bit so that Jordan can't. Go ahead.

Speaker 5 Okay. Well, I had a question for you, Conan, which is, you said you try to explain Jordan to people.
What's your like shorthand description of him?

Speaker 3 I usually say we think it's a childhood accident.

Speaker 3 That's the best I can come up with. And that tends to, they just nod and go, yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, and I say, I don't really know what it was, if it was, you know, a truck that stopped too fast and there was a railroad spike in the back

Speaker 5 and it took out some kind of traumatic brain injury.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. You know, those x-rays you see where there's a skull and there's a, the, the, the, the giant spike going right through it, but they tell you the guy lived and he's a practicing lawyer.

Speaker 3 That's, I'm always guessing that it was some kind of event like that, that there's a piece that's missing from Jordan that should be there, but because someone in a Ford F-150 left a railroad spike in the back and then stopped short,

Speaker 3 Jordan has been an alien his whole life. Jordan, what do you think?

Speaker 3 Okay, while I acknowledge that you and I have very different personalities, who's to judge whose personality is superior? You're implying that you're wrong. Well, that would be me.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry,

Speaker 3 it's the Conan and Jordan show, and it's on the Conan channel. Okay.

Speaker 3 So I guess that would make me the judge.

Speaker 3 It's like you're this guy that wandered into the Supreme Court in your loud suit, and you're shouting up at a Supreme Court justice, who are you to judge? I'm a Supreme Court justice.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm no psychologist, but to me, I detect an air of insecurity and overcompensation. I don't need to judge you and who's superior.

Speaker 3 You're certainly an exceptional human being, no question about it. Thank you.
And if you compare me to the average human, you might think that I'm a bit different. And I don't disagree.

Speaker 3 However, when it comes to assessing which is the superior way to be, that's when things get a little murkier. And I don't know that we need to have that competition.

Speaker 3 Stephanie, can you just step in quickly and tell Jordan that I'm better than him?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I think Conan is better than you.

Speaker 3 I love that that's coming from.

Speaker 3 Oh my God. That was settles.
That settles it. Thank you very much.
Stephanie, you're a wonderful person. And thank you.

Speaker 3 Thank you so much for calling into the show and for settling this question.

Speaker 3 And that's science. That's real science right there.
Yeah. Clearly.
That I'm better than you. And Stephanie, best of luck to you.
Well, thank you so much, Stephanie. Really nice talking to you.

Speaker 3 Bye-bye. Bye.
She was lovely. I loved her.
And also, I think she

Speaker 3 nailed it. I think she just really nailed it.
The convoluted premise that you use to get into these scenarios just baffles me. Why the nose hair intro?

Speaker 3 Why not just say we have a psychologist on the phone? Why do you feel you need to justify? We didn't know it was a psychologist. Yeah, we didn't know.
It was an accident that was a psychologist.

Speaker 3 And who knew that it would be a psychologist who immediately took you apart

Speaker 3 and deduced that you are the monstrous freak that you are. Hey, that's all the time we have for now.

Speaker 3 And that's not really true. I have plenty of time left, but I just can't do this anymore.
So I'm going to wrap this up. That's been this episode of the Conan and Jordan show.

Speaker 3 I think we made big progress. We learned a lot about a lot of things.
And then

Speaker 3 pretty much a woman of science said that I win and Jordan loses. Clearly, a sound psychological opinion.
We'll see you next time.

Speaker 4 The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Chlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.

Speaker 4 Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez.

Speaker 4 Our supervising producer is Andrew Drews. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.

Speaker 4 You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan?

Speaker 4 Call the Team Cocoa Hotline, 669-587-2847, and leave a message. It too can be featured on a future episode.

Speaker 4 And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine fine podcasts are downloaded.

Speaker 4 And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio, Channel 104 on SiriusXF.

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