Charles and the Chocolate Factory

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Speaker 3 Conan O'Brien needs a fan.

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Speaker 3 Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan.

Speaker 5 Okay, let's get started.

Speaker 6 Hi, Charles. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi, Charles.
How are you? Hi, Conan. Good.

Speaker 1 It's actually early in the morning over here. Okay, well, that's how the world works.

Speaker 1 I am in Los Angeles, and you are in.

Speaker 1 I am in the Philippines. Where in the Philippines are you?

Speaker 1 So I live in the capital, in the Greater Manila, but the city itself is Kazon City. Okay.
I'm not sure why I asked because it doesn't really

Speaker 1 mean much to me. I haven't been to the Philippines, so but I want to know more.
You should visit here. You think I should visit the Philippines? Yeah, it's quite nice over here.

Speaker 1 The people are friendly, good food.

Speaker 1 I've heard wonderful things about the Philippines. I'd like to know more about you, Charles.
Tell me a little bit about your life. So I'm an engineer.

Speaker 1 Oh, sorry. I'm not sure if you're hearing my dog in the background.
Oh, when you said I'm an engineer, oops, sorry. I thought

Speaker 1 a member of the secret police was behind you and that you're in hiding.

Speaker 1 You're whispering.

Speaker 1 Your dog's behind you and doesn't approve of your work as an engineer. Is that the idea?

Speaker 1 Probably.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you're an engineer. What kind of engineering do you do? So

Speaker 1 I'm a mechanical engineer. I'm currently working for my uncle's factory.

Speaker 1 He's making like candies right here in the Philippines.

Speaker 1 Your uncle, you work for your uncle and he has a candy factory. He's like Willy Wonka.
Kind of, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are there rivers of chocolate and you know, all kinds of waterfalls of gumdrops and things like that?

Speaker 1 Sadly, no. There's just like generic factory stuff.
Well,

Speaker 1 are there oompa loompas? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Not really. Yeah,

Speaker 1 why are you hesitating on that?

Speaker 1 What design of an oompa loompa to you? Yeah, you said no immediately to rivers of chocolate and waterfalls of gumdrops, but then on oompa lumpa, you're like, ah

Speaker 1 Do you have an oompa lumpa factory? Is that what this is? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that wasn't a cat behind him. That was an oompa lumpa.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 I'm gonna try and keep this

Speaker 1 clean and simple.

Speaker 6 Well, you're doing a great job. Yeah, thanks.

Speaker 1 Well, you got a little bit of a lag, and you know, we got to make sure that the other thing ends together.

Speaker 1 So, Charles, let me get this straight. You work at a candy factory that your uncle owns in the Philippines.
Yes. Okay, and what kind of candies do you make? Well, we have two types of candies.

Speaker 1 We have bubblegums and then caramel candies. Ooh,

Speaker 1 wow. Okay, that's nice.
I love candies. I like both of those.
I love bubblegum and caramel candies. Have you ever tried to mix the two together and make a bubble gum that has a caramel center?

Speaker 1 No, but I think my uncle did before and he said did it taste really good

Speaker 1 because the bubblegums like tasted more

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 mentally like and then the caramel tastes very sweet and caramel and those two doesn't don't mix really well together. Well wait I'm sorry.
I think your your uncle screwed it up.

Speaker 1 I think I have a good idea here. He just went went the wrong way with it.
That's all. And I hate to pick a fight with your uncle, but I think there's a way to combine caramel and bubblegum.

Speaker 1 I mean, this is my life's dream.

Speaker 1 I think there's a way to do it correctly. And

Speaker 1 I think I'll talk to you more about it.

Speaker 1 I haven't seen any type of bubblegum that has caramel flavorings in it. Yeah, guess what? In 1850, no one had seen an automobile before.
But then someone invented it and the world changed.

Speaker 1 but i don't know why i'm so quiet after you said

Speaker 1 maybe why don't you buy some bubblegum and a caramel and just try it out eat them together before investing in a machine um so charles tell me how is the candy factory doing is it thriving not really since i started here like five years ago it hasn't really gone off like real really good well what do you think yes first of all what do you think the problem is?

Speaker 1 Well, I think

Speaker 1 it's because of the lack of exposure

Speaker 1 with the public. So

Speaker 1 every time we approach

Speaker 1 distributors or customers regarding our

Speaker 1 products, our candies, their initial reaction is like they're going to say, it's, no, it's still alive. It's like they're going to say, it's, I thought your products are already gone.

Speaker 1 Oh, so people.

Speaker 1 Your candy factory has been around for a long time. You don't have good advertising.

Speaker 1 You don't have good advertising, and people think, oh, we thought those candies were discontinued. Is that the problem? Yeah.
So actually, our candy started way back

Speaker 1 during World War II. It actually started with my uncle's father.
And then

Speaker 1 it went on after that. But then...

Speaker 6 Isn't your uncle's father also your grandfather?

Speaker 1 Do I call him my grandfather? I think so.

Speaker 1 Am I wrong? I don't know. I

Speaker 1 think so. Yes, your uncle's father is your grandfather.
So by marriage, maybe. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is it? If it's

Speaker 1 my marriage, call him a grandfather. It's his

Speaker 1 husband. I see, yeah.
Yeah. He's your grandfather-in-law.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that was good that we cleared that up.

Speaker 1 Charles. It's a bit confusing for me also.
Yeah, well, and

Speaker 1 me now as well. Charles.
Here to help. Charles, we have a simple story here.
You are a man who is working for your uncle's candy factory.

Speaker 1 Your uncle's candy factory has been around for a long time, but it has become unpopular. How many employees work at this candy factory? Currently, we have like 19 of us.
How many did there used to be?

Speaker 1 Hundreds.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, yeah. Okay.
This is way when the automations, automated machines machines came into the like, so before they used to pack the candies in like manually. So they needed like

Speaker 1 many people to pack them individually, wrap them around and put them in boxes. But now we have machines to do that.
So we didn't, we don't really need a lot of people to produce the candies. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then we also don't

Speaker 1 manufacture them every day. You don't make candy every day? Yeah.
So it's only

Speaker 1 when we have orders or our stocks are declining that we manufacture more. Can you list me the name of some of your candies just so I get an idea of what these candies are called?

Speaker 1 So we have two types of bubblegum candies.

Speaker 1 So one is called Tarzan.

Speaker 1 The other one is called Texas.

Speaker 1 Tarzan and Texas. Do these bubblegums have anything to do with Tarzan or Texas? No.

Speaker 1 I'm not actually clear on how they came up with those names, but I think so. The names don't in any way link to how the gum tastes.
I don't know what Texas tastes like. Barbecue.

Speaker 1 Maybe, but I don't think so. I think it's random.

Speaker 1 I think someone back when this company was just starting said, let's call this one Tarzan and this one Texas, right? Kind of, yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I think my uncle told me was

Speaker 1 his father came up with that name because he was I think more heavily influenced during the US

Speaker 1 when the US was were occupying the Philippines and he was working with an American company here in Manila okay so your grandfather came up with these names at the end of World War II

Speaker 1 so yeah you're down with Hitler gum

Speaker 1 isn't a big

Speaker 1 isn't a big seller I'm just saying these are

Speaker 1 these are antiquated names. Sketchy names.
No. Down with Hitler.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We have a photo of the Tarzan gum, if you want to. Let's take a look.
Yeah, let's take a look at the Tarzan gum. Oh, you do? Oh.
Oh.

Speaker 1 But what does that have to do? And the colors are Christmassy. Yeah.
So

Speaker 1 it's just to attract the, like, it's to attract children, so they'd like to be excited with the different colors. But they all taste the same.
Oh, wait.

Speaker 1 They're different colors, but they all taste the same. And it's called Tarzan.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the catchphrase is put an eight man in your mouth. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I just think that it's confusing. Do you understand? I think

Speaker 1 it's confusing. And is this because does your uncle want to change things up and maybe

Speaker 1 make things better?

Speaker 1 Make the marketing a little better?

Speaker 1 It hasn't really come up. Like, I've pitched him the idea of

Speaker 1 having a commercial or just having more exposure to the public, but we haven't gone like past that.

Speaker 1 So it's more, it's

Speaker 1 there's no actual plans for it. You're just talking about it.
Is he stuck in his ways, do you think? Sometimes that happens with older people.

Speaker 1 They get stuck in their ways, and then some young punk like you comes along and says, hey, maybe we should change things a little bit. And he's like,

Speaker 1 Is that what's happening?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I guess so.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think he wants to keep the like the legacy of the products going.

Speaker 1 I mean, people know when people hear about the Tarzan or Texas candies, they immediately know what it is what it is. But

Speaker 1 the problem is only the older generations know about it, and the younger generations, not so much. So, how old are your most of your customers well i think the late 50s 60s

Speaker 1 yeah that's a that's a problem that's a problem yeah because not a lot of bubblegum chewing 60 year olds no

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 the first thing that goes are the teeth yeah oh and um

Speaker 1 you can't really you know just just chomp on that stuff without teeth uh

Speaker 3 wow they're not like 90 you're 60.

Speaker 1 yeah my teeth are gone

Speaker 1 bubblegum yeah those teeth.

Speaker 6 Maybe it's time to do like a throwback campaign, you know, nostalgia and stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was actually thinking about those types of campaigns, but only I've tried only like trying those through Facebook posts. No videos, though, just like pictures and stuff.

Speaker 1 I'm going to disagree with my friend Matt here, and this is very rare because I respect his opinion.

Speaker 1 But wait a minute. What's Matt?

Speaker 6 Oh, it's me. Jesus.

Speaker 1 It's a great, it's a classic bit, Charles.

Speaker 1 This is what I think.

Speaker 1 I think you need to make immediate hard play for the youth. I think you have to.
I think you have to do something that's going to get younger people interested in the candies.

Speaker 1 And by the way, I love the way you say candies. Don't you?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I do. I like it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think the more you say candies, the better. Just keep saying candies.
It's great. Candies.
Candies. Oh, it's just fantastic.
He says it normally. But it's sweet.
He It has a sweetness to it.

Speaker 3 You should be in a commercial.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're a pitch man. You should be in a commercial and say, buy our candies.

Speaker 1 The way you say it is very sweet.

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Speaker 1 Tell me if I'm wrong. I think we have to make a hard play for the youth.
Okay. And I think even if it's illegal, we have to say, like, it's Taylor Swift bubblegum.

Speaker 1 We have to use a name that young people. Is Taylor Swift big in the Philippines?

Speaker 1 She's big in the Philippines. Yeah, she's big everywhere.
A lot of people actually wanted to see her

Speaker 1 perform a show here in the Philippines. Yeah.
But she didn't. So everyone flew to Japan or Singapore just to see her.
Yeah, well, I would have told Taylor

Speaker 1 to go to the Philippines, to go to Manila and play a big show. I would have told her where

Speaker 1 and when. She listens to me.
We're tight.

Speaker 1 By tight, I mean I've listened to her music and I enjoy her work.

Speaker 1 Charles, I do think you need to, and we may be getting in trouble with the law here. Yeah, but it's worth it, don't you think?

Speaker 1 To maybe say it's Taylor Swift bubblegum, you know, and then we name some of the gum after and the candies after

Speaker 1 some of her songs.

Speaker 3 Like, this is the

Speaker 3 bad blood, or this is the all-too-well gum.

Speaker 1 People love a candy called bad blood.

Speaker 1 No, but

Speaker 1 I think we need to do something drastic. We need to make a campaign that appeals to the youth of the Philippines, and we put your candy back on the map.
And I think we have to do it, don't you think?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think that's a great plan. Yeah.
Now, do you have a lawyer?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
I think we will. We're contracting a law firm, but we haven't used them for like legal stuff.
Well, when you do my What do you use them for?

Speaker 1 What do you use them for?

Speaker 1 Naming the kids.

Speaker 1 It's a bunch of 90-year-old lawyers.

Speaker 1 Call it after Tarzan.

Speaker 1 Kids love Tarzan. Are these the oompa loopas? Is that what's happening here?

Speaker 1 Charles.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Charles,

Speaker 1 you're going to need lawyers because some of the stuff I'm suggesting may incur some lawsuits. Again, I'm indemnified.
I'm just a guy giving you suggestions.

Speaker 1 But I do think you need to do something to get the youth involved in your candy. Okay.
Yeah. Now, let me ask you.
My uncle won't be on board with that.

Speaker 1 Well, let me ask you.

Speaker 6 Maybe it's time to, you know, take him out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What? What?

Speaker 6 Just a little, you know, a little Shakespearean kind of.

Speaker 1 Yeah. One bad blood candy and he's out.

Speaker 1 Hey, Charles.

Speaker 1 Charles, it just occurred to me, what you need is a celebrity endorsement by somebody who's big with the youth. Uh-oh.
Here I am. Uh-oh.
And I haven't.

Speaker 1 You know, why am I...

Speaker 1 But seriously, what if, I mean, I would be happy to endorse the candy. Am I a big hit with the youth in the Philippines? To be honest, maybe not so much.

Speaker 1 You haven't been on air here in the Philippines like since the early 2000s.

Speaker 1 We lost

Speaker 1 telling him he's currently on the air. Don't wait, hold on a second.
Charles, it's called the internet. I'm all over the internet.
I'm there's like pornography, and then there's me.

Speaker 1 I'm all over the internet. So don't tell me the

Speaker 1 don't you guys get the internet?

Speaker 1 We do. So if they search your name in YouTube, they'll see you.
But then,

Speaker 1 well, before you, we watched your show in television, like you were being shown in one of the local channels here in the Philippines. Yes.
But then after that, you like, you disappeared.

Speaker 1 Yes. So I'm no longer

Speaker 1 on TV in the Philippines. I saw your show again when you went in the HBO.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We call it Max.

Speaker 1 Max.

Speaker 6 Yeah, you're getting on him about branding names.

Speaker 1 Just rules off the tongue, Max.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. So, Charles, you're saying that maybe the youth in the Philippines, maybe I'm not the one.
Who do you think's a bigger star in the Philippines? And be honest and think about it.

Speaker 1 Don't just blurt it out. Really think about it.
Me or say Taylor Swift. Well, Taylor Swift's a big name.
Everyone knows Taylor Swift. Do you want to think about it some more?

Speaker 1 Do you want to get back to me?

Speaker 1 I want to say Conan, but

Speaker 1 you might get disappointed if you come here and then no one recognizes you.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 No one recognizes you.

Speaker 1 Not even people who watched you in the 2000s.

Speaker 6 Not even Charles.

Speaker 1 Charles, why did you...

Speaker 1 Charles,

Speaker 1 can I remind you that you called me?

Speaker 1 Charles, you called me. Yeah.
Why did you call me? Why didn't you call Taylor Swift? I don't have her number. Maybe you could connect me with her.
Oh, whoa.

Speaker 1 Oh, so now you want to use me to get to Taylor Swift.

Speaker 1 Oh, that is so low, Charles.

Speaker 1 So just be. Okay,

Speaker 1 that is the lowest of the low.

Speaker 1 Well, I was. Sorry.
I want. No, don't be sorry.
You're being honest, and I appreciate that. And I think you're saving me a lot of disappointment, you know?

Speaker 1 I don't know, Charles.

Speaker 1 I'd like to help save your candies. I really would.
And I do think... I'm going to put you and Taylor Swift in the commercial if you want to.
She won't agree to that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's not going to work with me. And that's been made clear before.

Speaker 1 She shouldn't. Well,

Speaker 1 for whatever reason,

Speaker 1 there's a cease and desist.

Speaker 1 Charles, I want to try and help your candy company. I really do.

Speaker 1 I think you guys are stuck in the past.

Speaker 1 You said that your company's slogans and whole marketing campaign was invented at the end of World War II, and that was a long time ago.

Speaker 1 We don't actually have a slogan to think about. Oh, no.
Wait, you don't have a slogan?

Speaker 3 It gets worse.

Speaker 1 There's no slogan.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Give them a slogan.

Speaker 1 I don't think so. Well, I mean, first of all, we got to get you a slogan, right? Don't you think? Have you thought at all about a possible slogan?

Speaker 6 How about we don't actually have a slogan as a slogan?

Speaker 1 It's actually hard to make a slogan with the Tarzan and Texas name. No, no, well, we could change.

Speaker 1 Would your uncle be open to changing the name of some of the candies and maybe going with a new advertising campaign? Would he be open to that?

Speaker 1 I'm not so sure.

Speaker 1 Probably. What if I talk to him? Yeah, I think, yeah, I think you can convince him.
I'm very convincing. I think I could talk to your uncle and say, we have to change this.

Speaker 1 I mean, you're down to 17 employees. You used to have hundreds.
Okay. Yeah.
And now, I mean, your youngest customer voted for Eisenhower in the American American elections.

Speaker 1 You can't, this has got to stop. We've got to turn this around.
It's time. I know.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You don't seem as desperate as I want you to be.
No, it's. I've been desperate.
That's why I called you. You're not coming across as desperate.
You're giggling a lot. You seem kind of happy.

Speaker 1 You're speaking very quietly. You're saying candies in a delightful way.

Speaker 1 I'm not getting desperation. It is zero hour.
We have got to do something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, help us, Conan.

Speaker 1 Well, I will.

Speaker 1 I'd love to help you.

Speaker 1 If we can agree on a fee,

Speaker 1 we may have to sell off most of the factory to pay my fee.

Speaker 1 Oh, well. This is a little awkward.
I can't afford that. Well,

Speaker 1 you're going to pay it.

Speaker 8 There's nothing you can do about it.

Speaker 1 My uncle will talk to you about it, though. Yeah, I've got some guys that'll rough up your uncle.
When my guys come by

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 i'm rooting for you i like you charles you seem like a nice guy do you have a family charles

Speaker 1 yeah actually i have um a brother and then my parents are still here

Speaker 1 and uh

Speaker 1 i'm rooting for you guys because i'd like to turn things around for you you know i'd like this candy

Speaker 1 i want your candy company to be the biggest candy company in the philippines

Speaker 1 I hope so, yeah.

Speaker 1 What currently, what's your competitor? Who's the big candy company? Actually, there's a bigger company like called Columbia, and they sell a different type of candy.

Speaker 1 So they have like menthol hard candies. Menthol hard candies.

Speaker 1 You know, I think this is a, I don't know why they're in the lead if they're selling basically a cough drop. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just think this is an easy assignment. I think I'm a good leader, Charles, and I'm an innovator.
I'm a visionary, and I know how to brand.

Speaker 1 I think I could come into Manila and I could turn your candy company around. I really do.
I hope so. Yeah, that'll be the dream.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you trust me? And will, and, yeah.

Speaker 1 Will you listen to me? Will you listen to my advice? Yes. Will your uncle listen to me?

Speaker 1 Will convince him. Okay.
Anybody, what do you think?

Speaker 1 Do you think I could do this?

Speaker 3 Do I think you can go to a candy factory and make it better?

Speaker 1 Yeah, bigger and better.

Speaker 1 Big hit.

Speaker 3 No, i don't i don't think you can do it i'm sorry no i don't think you can do it either do you think you can do it yes oh okay i've never it's by

Speaker 1 it's by copyright infringement that's your plan yeah i think by the time the taylor swift organization's huge yeah they've got a lot to worry about by the time they catch on to this manila candy company um

Speaker 1 you know what i mean we you'll you'll be you'll have so much money you won't know what to do with it all right and then you and i scram we take off okay and we leave your uncle holding the bag and he has to answer to the Taylor Swift people.

Speaker 1 Actually, there's a

Speaker 1 I just remembered, there's actually a Taylor Swift impersonator here. Well, she's

Speaker 1 she's more like a drag

Speaker 1 impersonator of Taylor Swift. That's fine, so maybe we use that person.
That's perfect, better. That's perfect.
Maybe we can use her. Yeah, her name's Taylor Shish.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well,

Speaker 1 Taylor Shish.

Speaker 1 So basically, Taylor shut up.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, that's terrific, Charles.

Speaker 1 We have all the ingredients we need. Okay? I'm coming.

Speaker 1 I'm going to get a Taylor Swift impersonator.

Speaker 1 We're going to violate Taylor Swift's copyright.

Speaker 1 We're going to turn this candy around and make it a big deal. And then, correct me if I'm wrong, there are thousands of islands in the Philippines, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 When the heat comes, you and I take the money and we go and we hide on one of those islands and we live like kings.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 I just told you the most innovative heist scheme of all time that involves you radically changing your life and hiding forever with a red-haired madman on a tiny island in the Philippines and living under my tyrannical rule.

Speaker 1 And you say, yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 Well, the witches here in the Philippines are very nice, though.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 we're going to do it. All right.
Well, I hope we can make this work out. I'll do my best.
All right. I hope so.
Okay. Yeah.
Just try and calm down. You see?

Speaker 6 Meanwhile, if you have any stock in your company, I may consider selling it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I wouldn't do that. You got to believe in me.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I've never ruined a candy company in the Philippines before.

Speaker 1 That's maybe the new slur.

Speaker 1 For everything. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, you take care, Charles.
It's been nice talking to you. Thanks for having me.
Yeah. I hope I'll see you soon here.
You never know. You never know.
Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 You won't even know because I don't think you know what I look like.

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 1 Bye. Bye, Charles.
Thanks, Charles. Bye-bye.

Speaker 8 Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonoma Obsession, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Speaker 8 Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

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