Charles and the Chocolate Factory

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Shop 14 days of deals during Spring Black Friday, now through April 16th at The Home Depot. Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Hi, Charles. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.
Hi. Hi, Charles.
How are you? Hi, Conan. Good.
It's actually early in the morning over here. Okay.
Well, that's how the world works.

I am in Los Angeles and you are in...

I'm in the Philippines.

Where in the Philippines are you?

So I live in the capital, in the greater Manila, but the city itself is Quezon City.

Okay. I'm not sure why I asked because it doesn't really mean much to me.
I haven't been to the Philippines. But I want to know more.
You should visit here. You think I should visit the Philippines? Yeah.
It's quite nice over here. The people are friendly, good food.
I've heard wonderful things about the Philippines. I'd like to know more about you, Charles.
Tell me a little bit about your life. So I'm an engineer.
Um, Oh, sorry. I'm not sure if you're hearing my dog in the background.
Oh, when you said I'm an engineer, oops, sorry. I thought a member of the secret police was behind you and that you're in hiding.
You're, you're whispering your, your, your dogs, your's behind you and doesn't approve of your work as an engineer is that the idea probably um so you're an engine you're an engineer what kind of engineering do you do so i'm a i'm a mechanical engineer i'm currently working for my uncle's factory he He's making candies right here in the Philippines.

Your uncle, you work for your uncle, and he has a candy factory.

He's like Willy Wonka.

Kind of, yeah.

Are there rivers of chocolate and all kinds of waterfalls of gumdrops and things like that?

Sadly, no.

There's just generic factory stuff.

Are there Oompa loompa to you yeah you said no immediately to rivers of chocolate and waterfalls of gumdrops but then on oompa loompa you, ah. Do you have an Oompa Loompa factory? Is that what this is? Yeah.
I think that wasn't a cat behind him. It was an Oompa Loompa.
Okay, I'm gonna try and keep this clean and simple. Oh, you're doing a great job.
Yeah, thanks. Well, you got a little bit of a lag and you know we gotta make sure that everything edits together um so charles let me get this straight you work at a candy factory that your uncle owns in the philippines yes okay and what kind of candies do you make well we have two types of candies we have bubble gums and then caramel candies.
Ooh, nice i love i like both of those i love bubblegum and caramel candies have you ever tried to mix the two together and make a bubblegum that has a caramel center no but my i think my uncle did before and he said did it taste really good because the bubblegums tasted more menthol-y. And then the caramel tastes very sweet and caramel-y.
And those two don't mix really well together. Well, wait.
I'm sorry. I think your uncle screwed it up.
I think I have a good idea here. He just went the wrong way with it.
That's all. And I hate to pick a fight with your uncle, but I think there's a way to combine caramel and bubblegum.
I mean, this is my life's dream. I think there's a way to do it correctly.
And I'll let you talk to you more about it. I haven't seen any type of bubblegum that has caramel-like flavorings in it.
Yeah, guess what? In 1850, no one had seen an automobile before. But then someone invented it and the world changed.
But I don't know why I'm so quiet after you. Maybe why don't you buy some bubble gum and a caramel and just try it out.
Eat them together. Before investing in a machine.
So Charles, tell me, how is the candy factory doing? Is it thriving? Not really. Since I started here like five years ago, it hasn't really gone off like really good.
What do you think? First of all, what do you think the problem is? Well, I think it's because of the lack of exposure with the public. So every time we approach distributors or customers regarding our products, our candies, their initial reaction is like they're going to say it's still's still alive it's uh like they're gonna say it's i thought that your products are already gone like oh so so people your candy factory has been around for a long time you don't have good actually you don't have good advertising and people think oh we thought those candies were discontinued.
Is that the problem?

Yeah. So actually our candy started way back, like during World War II.
It actually started with my uncle's father and then it went on after that. But then...

Isn't your uncle's father also your grandfather?

Do I call him my grandfather? I think so.

Am I wrong?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Yes, your uncle's father

is your grandfather.

Is it uncle my marriage maybe?

Yeah.

Is it?

Oh.

I guess I gotta call him

a grandfather.

It's his aunt's husband.

I see, yeah.

Yeah.

It's your grandfather-in-law.

Yeah.

Well, that was good

that we cleared that up. Charles.
It's confusing for me all. Yeah, well, and me now as well.
Charles. Here to help.
Charles, we have a simple story here. You are a man who is working for your uncle's candy factory.
Your uncle's candy factory has been around for a long time but it has become unpopular how many employees work at this candy factory currently we have like 19 of us how many did there used to be a hundred oh oh yeah okay this is way when the automations automated machines came into like, so before they used to pack the candies, like, manually. So they needed, like, many people to pack them individually, wrap them around, and put them in boxes.
But now we have machines to do that. Yeah.
So we don't really need a lot of people to produce the candies. But then we also don't manufacture them every day.
You don't make candy every day? Yeah. So it's only when we have orders or our stocks are declining that we manufacture more.
Can you list me the name of some of your candies just so I get an idea of what these candies are called? So we have two types of bubble gum candies. So one is called Tarzan.
The other one is called Texas. Tarzan and Texas.
Do these bubble gums have anything to do with Tarzan or Texas? No. I'm not actually clear on how they came up with the with those names but i think the names don't in any way link to how the gum tastes i don't know what texas tastes like barbecue maybe but i don't think so i think it's random i think you i think someone back when this company was just starting said let's call this one tarzan and this one Texas, right? Kind of, yeah.
So I think my uncle told me was, his father came up with that name because he was, I think, more heavily influenced during the U.S. when the U.S.
were occupying the Philippines and he was working with an American company here in Manila.

Okay, so your

grandfather came up with these names at the end

of World War II.

So you're down with Hitler

gum.

Jesus.

Isn't a big

seller.

I'm just saying, these are

antiquated names. The most catchy names.
Down with Hitler. We have a photo of the Tarzan gum if you want to see it.
Let's take a look at the Tarzan gum. Oh, you do? What does that have to do and the colors are Christmassy.
Yeah. It.
Okay. Yeah.
It's just to attract children. So they'd be excited for it with the different colors.
But they all taste the same. Oh, wait.
They're different colors, but they all taste the same. And it's called Tarzan.
And the catchphrase is put an ape man in your mouth. Yeah.
Okay. I don't know.
I just think that it's confusing. Do you understand? It's very confusing, yes.
It's confusing. And is this because, does your uncle want to change things up and maybe make things better? Make the marketing a little better? It hasn't really come up.
I've pitched him the idea of having a commercial or just having more exposure to the public, but we haven't gone past that. So there's no actual plans for it.
They're just talking about it. Is he stuck in his ways, do you think? Sometimes that happens with older people older people they get stuck in their ways and then some young punk like you comes along and says hey maybe we should change things a little bit and he's like hey is that what's happening i don't know i guess so i mean i mean i think he wants to keep the like the legacy of the products going.
I mean, when people hear about the Tarzan or Texas candies, they immediately know what it is. But the problem is only the older generations know about it and the younger generations not so much.
So how old are most of your customers?

Well, I think the late 50s, 60s.

Yeah, that's a problem.

That's a problem.

Not a lot of bubble gum chewing 60-year-olds.

No.

Because the first thing that goes are the teeth.

And you can't really just chomp on that stuff without teeth.

Wow.

They're not like 90.

You're 60.

Yeah, my teeth are gone.

That's all bubble gum.

Yeah, those teeth.

Maybe it's time to do like a throwback campaign, you know, nostalgia and stuff. Yeah, I was actually, I was thinking about those types of campaigns.

But only I've tried only like trying those in through Facebook posts.

No videos, though, just like pictures and stuff.

I'm going to disagree with my friend Matt here.

And this is very rare because I respect his opinion.

But wait a minute.

Which Matt?

Oh, it's me.

It's a great, it's a classic bit, Charles. This is what I think.
I think you need to make an immediate hard play for the youth. I think you have to.
I think you have to do something that's going to get younger people interested in the candies. And by the way, I love the way you say candies.
Don't you? Yeah, I do. I like it.
Yeah, I think the more you say candies, just keep saying candies. It's great.
Candies. Candies.
Oh, it's just fantastic. He says it normally.
But it's sweet. He has a sweetness to it.
You should be in a commercial. Yeah, you're a pitch man.
You should be in a commercial and say, buy our candies. They're so, it's the way you say it is very sweet.
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Tell me if I'm wrong.

I think we have to make a hard play for the youth.

Okay.

And I think even if it's illegal,

we have to say, like,

it's Taylor Swift bubble gum.

We have to use a name that young people...

Is Taylor Swift big in the Philippines?

She's big in the Philippines.

Yeah, she's big everywhere.

A lot of people actually wanted to see her perform a show here in the Philippines.

Yeah.

But she didn't.

So everyone flew to Japan or Singapore just to see her.

Yeah, well, I would have told Taylor to go to the Philippines,

to go to Manila and play a big show.

You would have told her?

Yeah.

How?

How and when?

She listens to me.

We're tight.

By tight, I mean I've listened to her music and I enjoy her work.

Charles, I do think you need to,

and we may be getting in trouble with the law here,

but it's worth it.

Don't you think to maybe say it's Taylor Swift bubble gum,

you know,

and then we name some of the gum and the candies after some of her songs.

This is the bad,

bad blood,

or this is the all too well.

People love a candy called bad blood or this is the all too well gum. Yeah, people love a candy called bad blood.
No, but I, you know, I think we need to do something drastic. We need to make a campaign that appeals to the youth of the Philippines and we put your candy back on the map.
And I think we have to do it. Don't you think? Yeah, I think that's a great plan.
Yeah. Now, do you have a lawyer? Yeah.
I think we will. We're contracting a law firm, but we haven't used them for legal stuff.
Well, when you do my... What do you use them for? What do you use them for? For naming the kids.
It's a bunch of 90-year-old lawyers. Oh, wait.
Call it after Tarzan. Kids love Tarzan.
Are these the Oompa Loompas? Is that what's happening here? Charles. Oh, my God.
Charles. You're going to need lawyers because some of the stuff I'm suggesting may incur some lawsuits.

Again, I'm indemnified.

I'm just a guy giving you suggestions.

But I do think you need to do something to get the youth involved in your candy.

Okay?

Yeah.

Now, let me ask you.

My uncle won't be on board with that.

Well, let me ask you.

He shouldn't be. Yeah, maybe it's time to,'s time to take him out.
Yeah. What? Just a little Shakespearean kind of.
One bad blood candy and he's out. Hey, Charles.
Charles, it just occurred to me, what you need is a celebrity endorsement by somebody who's big with the youth. Uh am and i have you know why am i but seriously what if i mean i would be happy to endorse the candy am i a big hit with the youth in the philippines to be honest maybe not so much you haven't been on air here in the philipp the early 2000s.
Charles, we keep telling him he's currently on the air. Don't do that.
Hold on a second. Charles, it's called the internet.
I'm all over the internet. There's pornography and then there's me.
I'm all over the internet. So don't tell me the...
Don't you guys get the internet? We do. So if they search your name on YouTube, they'll see you.
But then, well, before we watched your show on television, you were being shown in one of the local channels here in the Philippines. But then after that, you disappeared.
Yes. So I'm no longer on tv in the philippines well we saw your show

again when you when you went back in hbo yes yes we call it max max um yeah you're getting on him about branding names.

This rolls off the tongue, Max.

So, um...

Oh, my God.

So, Charles, you're saying that maybe the youth in the philippines maybe i'm not the one who do you think's a bigger star in the philippines and be honest and think about it don't just blurt it out really think about it me or say taylor swift well taylor swift's a big name everyone knows taylor swift do you want to think about it, me or say Taylor Swift. Well, Taylor Swift's a big name.
Everyone knows Taylor Swift. Do you want to think about it some more? Do you want to get back to me? I want to say Conan, but you might get disappointed if you come here and then no one recognizes you.
I'm sorry. No one recognizes you.
Not even people who watched you in the 2000s. Not even Charles.
Charles, why did you... Charles, can I remind you that you called me? Charles, you called me me why didn't you call me

why didn't you call Taylor Swift

I don't have her number maybe you can

connect me with her

so now you want to use me

to get to Taylor Swift

oh that is so low

Charles

so just because okay

that is the lowest of the low

well I was

I want no don't be sorry

you're being honest and I appreciate that

And I think... so just because okay that is that is the lowest of the low well i was i want no don't be sorry you're being honest and i appreciate that and i think you're saving me a lot of disappointment you know um i don't know charles i uh i'd like to help save your candies i really would and i do think put you and taylor swift in the commercial if you want she won to that.
Yeah, she's not going to work with me and that's been made clear before. She shouldn't.
Well, for whatever reason, there's a cease and desist. Charles, I want to try and help your candy company.
I really do. I think you guys are stuck in the past.
We are're you said that your company's slogans and whole marketing campaign was invented at the end of world war ii and that's but was a long time ago we don't actually have a slogan to think about oh no wait you don't have a slogan there's no slogan yeah give them a slogan i don't think so well i first of all, we got to get you a slogan, right? Don't you think? Have you thought at all about a possible slogan? How about we don't actually have a slogan as a slogan? It's actually hard to make a slogan with the Tarzan and Texas name. No, no.
Well, we could change. Would your uncle be open to changing the name of some of the candies and maybe going with a new advertising campaign? Would he be open to that? I'm not so sure.
Probably. What if I talk to him? Yeah, I think you can convince him.
I'm very convincing. I think I could talk to your uncle and say, we have to change this.
I mean, you're down to 17 employees. You used to have hundreds, okay? Yeah.
And now, I mean, youngest customer voted for eisenhower in the american elections you can't this has got to stop we've got to turn this around it's time i know do you know what i mean yeah you don't seem as desperate as i want you to be no it's i've been desperate that's why i called you you're not coming across as desperate you're giggling a lot you seem kind of happy um you're speaking very quietly you're saying candies in a delightful way um i'm not getting desperation it is zero hour we have got to do something yeah help us go then well i will i would i'd love to help you if we can agree on a fee we may have to sell off most of the factory to pay my fee oh well we can't afford that well you're going to pay it there's nothing you can do about it my uncle will talk to you about it yeah I've got some guys that will rough up your uncle. Why don't my guys come by? I'm rooting for you.
I like you, Charles. You seem like a nice guy.
Do you have a family, Charles? Yes. Actually, I have a brother, and then my parents are still here.
I'm rooting for you guys because I'd like to turn things around for you.

You know, I'd like this candy.

I want your candy company

to be the biggest candy company in the Philippines.

I hope so, yeah.

What currently, what's your competitor?

Who's the big candy company?

Actually, there's a bigger company

like called Columbia

and they sell a different type of candy.

So they have like menthol hard candies mental hard candies you know i think this is a i don't know why they're in the lead yeah if they're selling basically a cough drop yeah uh i i think i just think this is an easy assignment i think i'm a good leader charles and i'm an innovator i'm a visionary and I know how to brand. I think I'm a good leader, Charles, and I'm an innovator.
I'm a visionary, and I know how to brand. I think I could come into Manila, and I could turn your candy company around.
I really do. I hope so, yeah.
That'll be the dream. Okay.
Do you trust me? Yeah. Will you listen to me? Will you listen to my advice? Yes.
Will your uncle listen to me? We'll convince him. Anybody? What do you think? Do you think I could do this? Do I think you can go to a candy factory and make it better? Yeah, bigger and better.
Big hit in the Philippines. No, I don't think you can do it.
I'm sorry. No, I don't think you can do it either.
Do you think you can do it? Yes. Oh, okay.
I think you can do it. It's by copyright infringement? That's your plan? Yeah.
I think by the time the Taylor Swift organization's huge. Yeah.
They've got a lot to worry about. By the time they catch on to this manila candy company, you know what I mean? You'll have so much money you won't know what to do with it.
All and then you and i scram we take off okay and we leave your uncle holding the bag and he has to answer to the taylor swift people actually there's a i i just uh remembered there's actually a taylor swift impersonator here well she's um she's more like a drag uh impersonator of taylor swift that's fine so maybe we use that person. That's perfect.
That's perfect. Maybe we can use her.
Yeah. Her name's Taylor Shish.
Yeah. Well, Taylor Shish.
So basically, Taylor, shut up. Okay.
Well, that's terrific, Charles. We have all the ingredients we need.
Okay, I'm coming.

I'm going to get a Taylor Swift impersonator.

We're going to violate Taylor Swift's copyright.

We're going to turn this candy around and make it a big deal.

And then, correct me if I'm wrong, there are thousands of islands in the Philippines, right?

Yeah.

When the heat comes,

you and I take the money and we go and we hide out on one of those islands

and we live like kings.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure.

I just told you the most innovative

heist scheme of all time

that involves you radically changing your life

and hiding forever with a red-haired madman

on a tiny island in the Philippines

and living under my tyrannical rule and you say yeah sure well the beaches here in the philippines are very nice though okay we're gonna do it all right well i hope we can make this work out i'll do my best all right i hope so okay yeah just try and calm down you see, if you have any stock in your company, I might consider selling it. Yeah.
Yeah. I wouldn't do that.
You got to believe in me, okay? I've never ruined a candy company in the Philippines before. That's maybe the new slogan.
First time for everything. Yeah.

All right.

Well, you take care, Charles.

It's been nice talking to you.

Thanks for having me.

I hope I'll see you soon here.

You never know.

You never know.

You won't even know because I don't think you know what I look like.

Bye.

Bye, Charles.

Thanks, Charles.

Bye-bye.

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