Bill Hader Returns Again

Speaker 1 The best B2B marketing gets wasted on the wrong people. Man, this tears me up.
So, when you want to reach the right professionals, use LinkedIn ads.

Speaker 1 LinkedIn has grown to a network of over 1 billion professionals, including 130 million decision makers. Hmm, I wonder if I'm one of those.

Speaker 1 That's why LinkedIn has the biggest B2B ROAS of all online ad networks. Spend $250 on your first campaign on LinkedIn ads and get a free $250 credit for the next one.
Pretty good deal.

Speaker 1 Just go to linkedin.com/slash Conan. That's LinkedIn.com/slash Conan.
Terms and conditions apply.

Speaker 2 Alienware's biggest sale of the season lets you unleash peak performance at Black Friday Savings.

Speaker 2 Prices start at $899.99 on select Alienware PCs like the groundbreaking Alienware 16 Aurora gaming laptop, taking performance to the next level with Intel core processors.

Speaker 2 Plus, you can save on all the latest accessories and displays like the Alienware 324K QD OLED gaming monitor. Visit alienware.com/slash deals before these limited time savings end.

Speaker 1 Hi, my name is Bill Hayter, and I feel

Speaker 1 grateful about being Con O'Brien's friend. That's so sweet.

Speaker 1 Fall is here, hear

Speaker 1 Hey, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
Joined as always by Sonoma Ossessian. Hi, Sona.
Hi. And of course, Matt Gourley.
Hi. Good to see you, Matt.
Matt, you have some props.

Speaker 1 You're a prop comic now? No.

Speaker 1 This was handed to me by the lovely Ruthie in the same way that a child is dropped off at a fire station's doorstep. Or Moses, a young Moses, arrives in a reeded basket.

Speaker 1 Well, this was, I believe, literally found on the doorstep here, and it said to Conan O'Brien and Matt Gorley. Huh.

Speaker 1 That's nice. And it says...

Speaker 1 Conan and Matt, great news. By unanimous vote, the Dilfs of Larchmont are proud to grant grant you honorary membership.

Speaker 1 We are a highly selective unit of local dads who live up to our slogan, protect and provide.

Speaker 1 As elite members, you now have the right and responsibility to wear the hat, lean into dad jokes, and grill things in a robe. We know you'll make us proud.

Speaker 1 With honor, Dan Luhrmann, founder, Dilfs of Larchmont. So, Dilfs.
I don't understand. Larchmont, let me explain to the listener or viewer, if you're consuming us that way.

Speaker 1 My head is covered in cobwebs.

Speaker 1 Oh god, it has a long hair on it.

Speaker 1 Bro, let's get it off. Someone was murdered in this hat.
Well, wait a minute. So I should explain, Larchmont refers to the area.
We're on Larchmont Boulevard, Larchmont Village here in Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 Yes. And this is where we have our little building.
And so I guess this person knows that this is where we do our work.

Speaker 3 Do people just know that?

Speaker 1 I didn't know people knew that.

Speaker 3 I mean, isn't that weird?

Speaker 1 Well, they sure know it now.

Speaker 1 Mine has a number on the inside. Does yours too? Mine says 21.
Oh, mine says 20.

Speaker 1 It does. Real cool.
In on the ground floor.

Speaker 1 Dilf stands for what? Dad, I'd like to fuck.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love ghosts. Wait, what? Well, it's all right.
You probably know.

Speaker 3 Well, you know. You know what a MILF is.
Oh, yeah. And Dilf is a dad I'd like to fuck.
Oh, I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 I never heard of that.

Speaker 3 A mom is a mom I'd like to fuck, and a dad is a dad I'd like to fuck.

Speaker 1 Does anyone want to fuck a dad?

Speaker 1 Hopefully, mom.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Well, like, so you know, I mean, a milfram.

Speaker 3 Yeah. A Dilph is a hot dad.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, um, that's a compliment.

Speaker 3 Very nice. You guys are two hot dads.
But wait a minute.

Speaker 1 Didn't this come not from a woman? It came from, who is this? A dad. A society of Dilphs here in Larchmont called the Dilphs of Larchmont.
Okay. Okay.
So guys think you guys are fuckable. Dads.

Speaker 1 This dad. Dads who people like to fuck think we're dads that they'd like to fuck.
They want to fuck. Wait, what? Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
You guys are dilf ilfs. Your

Speaker 1 dads I like to fuck. I like to fuck.
Yes. No, we're dil ilfs.
Didilt? Dads, dads like to fuck. No, because

Speaker 1 these are dilfs who want to fuck you guys. My George is.
You know what? I think they're calling and they want to rescind it. I think it now.
I think we're. I think they're on the list.

Speaker 1 You know, we are? I think it's like incredibly obvious that people want to fuck us, that other dads. So it's, we are dilf ilfs duh.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Can we fit that on the hat? Let's see.

Speaker 1 Don't you think?

Speaker 1 I'm a dilf ilf duh.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Conan O'Brien?

Speaker 1 I don't know. And you're like a dilf ilf duh.

Speaker 1 What's that supposed to mean? You're sort of trailing off. They're getting a look at your shirt.
They're wondering.

Speaker 1 My shirt? Well, I don't know. I don't want to buy ice cream from you in the 20s.

Speaker 1 I don't want to be in prison pajamas. These aren't prison pajamas.
Those are prison pajamas. These are not.
This is a very nice, beautiful blue shirt. Dill Fight! Dill Fight! Dill Fight!

Speaker 1 Yeah!

Speaker 1 Dill Fight! Fuck each other up. Hey, let's make that movie Dill Fight.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Things get real. Oh, my God.
That's good. Dill Fight.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? It's sort of like Fight Club, but it's just two guys with grilling spatulas. Grilling spatulas and like a TV remote.

Speaker 3 And a baby and a baby,

Speaker 1 whatever, Bjorn. Yeah.
Yeah. I like it.

Speaker 1 Let's get that. Dill fight.
Dill fight. And instead of like at the vacant lot at midnight, it's at the like Trader Joe's at high noon.
Yeah. Something like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And first they have to make sure they still got those cedar chips.

Speaker 1 The peach ones. The peach flavored ones.
Yeah, they still got them. All right.
Well, let's do the fight. Let's get this.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 1 You still got that pumpkin cider that comes out every September? Yeah. Okay.
All right. I'm ready.
We'll be in. We'll be in in a few minutes, but first we're going to have it out.

Speaker 1 Hey, why are we going to fight? Let's just, let's just have a beer, a cider. Come on.

Speaker 3 Let's talk about smoking meat.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And can I lose this gruff voice and just talk how I normally? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's not who you are. Okay.
I like it. This movie sells itself to absolutely no one.

Speaker 3 Well, congrats on being admitted into the Dilphs of Larchmont.

Speaker 1 Clearly, an elite society that hands out hats in a bucket that are covered in cobwebs and stray hairs. Yes.
Thank you, Dilfs. Dilphs of Larchmont.
Of Larchmont. We appreciate the sentiment.

Speaker 1 I expect to see us represented in these little silhouettes here, though. Oh, there are little silhouettes here.
There should be one really tall one. Yeah.
I'll draw a little longer legs on mine.

Speaker 1 Wait, that'll look like the other guys are hovering. Anyway, let's get going.

Speaker 1 My guest today is an Emmy Award-winning actor and comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and wrote and starred in the hit HBO series, Barry. Come on, for God's sake.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's the man. Please welcome Bill Hayter.

Speaker 1 You just were telling me just before we started rolling. Is it rolling? Recording? Rolling, rolling.
I don't know the lingo. I'm new in the business.

Speaker 1 You said that you heard someone walked up to you, what, on the street? Yeah, and said, why are you in Conan? Would you guys,

Speaker 1 you're on his podcast. All you guys do is just laugh and giggle.

Speaker 1 But there's no talking. It's like like one guy talks and the other guy's laughing over that guy and

Speaker 1 uh

Speaker 1 and i just wish there was more of a discourse

Speaker 1 well it's like i just want to i just want to fuck with that guy now we should just howl the whole time and say nothing it's like uh it was just so hard to

Speaker 1 to figure that out yeah the can he get a septum fix yeah that's what i always always say to him, first of all.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Septum Sam. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I was the guy. I have many women very interested in me.

Speaker 1 I have a long line of suitors, so to speak.

Speaker 1 But those are always the people that would come up to you that would have an issue. In New York, especially, you would come up and go, I didn't really like the show.

Speaker 1 Like, no one comes up, like, I couldn't believe the show was so bad.

Speaker 1 It was always like, when I first started SNL, there was always guys walking up and going, they should use you more. That's nice.
That's a nice thing. It was very sweet.
That's a nice thing.

Speaker 1 So, Warren, these guys said I should use you more.

Speaker 1 Who? Who are they?

Speaker 1 Show me the wait. Wait, where are they? Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Shit.

Speaker 1 I was just remembering, we were, and this is all going to be random thoughts that come into my head because that's what happens when I talk to you.

Speaker 1 But when I worked at SNL all those years ago, Leslie Nielsen was the guest and he famously had this, he had this thing made that would make a farting noise. And he went to like a craftsman.

Speaker 1 I mean, you could, this thing was not something he bought in a novelty shop. Leslie Nielsen, this was his sense of humor.

Speaker 1 This thing was beautifully made. It was made of, you know, some sort of teak, some sort of polished wood, and it had brass fittings and everything.
And he would make these farting noises.

Speaker 1 And I remembered

Speaker 1 you'd be talking to him, like, okay, so anyway, Leslie, the idea of this bit,

Speaker 1 yeah. And he'd be doing it, and he'd be like, oh, okay.
But then he kept doing it to Lorne.

Speaker 1 And you realize it would nothing,

Speaker 1 you know, because of the 50th anniversary, there's all these documentaries now. Lorne and Lorne.
Lorne always keeps his dignity in any situation.

Speaker 1 And I'll never forget Leslie Nielsen. Lorne would be like, so I think we're going to do.

Speaker 1 And Leslie Nielsen would always do kind of a take, like to the side, like, who was that? You know,

Speaker 1 an innocent, casey, innocent Leslie Nielsen face take. And you could see that big chunks of Lauren's organs were dying.
Just dying. The fellow Canadian.
Yeah, fellow Canadian.

Speaker 1 He's having, he's hosting the show.

Speaker 1 And he's such a solid. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he comes in with this

Speaker 1 device. Yeah, he comes in with this device.
Thank you. And it's just Lauren's least favorite kind of comedy.
And I was, I just was fascinated. And there was nothing Lauren.

Speaker 1 I was a PA on this.

Speaker 1 I've talked about it a couple of times, the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Collateral Damage. And Bill Hardy, actually his name, and

Speaker 1 Jason Altieri, they had a fart machine at their missment. And they put it on the boom guy, Earl Samson.
They put it on his belt without him knowing it. Right.

Speaker 1 So he was in an elevator with Schwarzenegger. And

Speaker 1 this Francesca Neary was the actress, and they're having this really intense scene, like we got to get out of here, and we need it. And it was very, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And they somehow could do it where it wasn't just like,

Speaker 1 it was like realistic.

Speaker 1 And so we were all

Speaker 1 kind of like at the monitor listening. So it's him going,

Speaker 1 but we'll see.

Speaker 1 If we can get the antidote, everybody will know

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 you are going to be all right. And we were like, I can't hear it.
Can you hear it?

Speaker 1 And whatever. And then we knew it was working because then the clapper came in and the guy was laughing.
It was shaking. He was like,

Speaker 1 pick three.

Speaker 1 And it came out. We were like, oh, good.

Speaker 1 And yeah, the Spurl Samson, the boom guy, was like, where is that coming from? And it was on his belt. I just need to do this.
Get out of here.

Speaker 1 Does Arnold ever call it out and say, what's happening? No,

Speaker 1 I think somebody came in and was like, get that off, like took it off his belt and like came over. We making a movie.

Speaker 1 And we all acted like stupid.

Speaker 1 What? Wait, what happened? Who did that?

Speaker 1 That was 25 years ago. Sorry, Jason, Bill.
I just outed you guys. But we were all like, wait, what's going on?

Speaker 1 But it was so perfect. It was too big a farts.
It wouldn't have worked. Right.
It had to be. No,

Speaker 1 if it had been the

Speaker 1 Leslie Nielsen tit variety. That's too much.
Lauren would have liked this. He would have been like, it's not wet.

Speaker 1 He would get. Oh my God.
I know Lauren would get frustrated when you, because you, Mulaney, you guys would have these obsessions

Speaker 1 about very small things in show business. Yeah.
That

Speaker 1 he Lauren loves a big, he likes a home run hitter. He likes someone who's going to go out there.
He likes, you know, give me your church lady.

Speaker 1 Give me the character that everyone just can't wait to see. Softball down the middle.
And I know that you guys loved coming up with stuff that would kind of,

Speaker 1 you know, like, I mean, the one I'm thinking of is

Speaker 1 you were doing a Judd Hirsch impression on the show. And when I came back to host Steve Higgins saying,

Speaker 1 out of the gate, I was like, hey, Steve. He goes, all right, none of that sandwich in a briefcase shit that you and Mulaney like so much.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Sandwich in a briefcase is a perfect description

Speaker 1 of the weird

Speaker 1 sandwich in a briefcase made me laugh. Because that's so accurate.

Speaker 1 And I remember, yeah, we had a sandwich in a briefcase in a sketch when... and it got cut and I told Mulaney he wasn't there.
Can I just share the concept real fast? Oh, yeah, sure. Sure.
Oh, sorry.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Yeah.
The concept of those sketch, we'll edit here, everybody. Okay.
And three, two, again.

Speaker 1 A one and a two and

Speaker 1 it was called

Speaker 1 Kanish in color. And it was a

Speaker 1 it was a

Speaker 1 it was a cop show, a 70s cop show called Kanish.

Speaker 1 And the host was Kanish.

Speaker 1 And then we basically kind of just did that thing where we ripped off from

Speaker 1 a police squad where everybody, and it, but it wasn't a thing where we all froze and we and we pretended to be frozen and someone came in.

Speaker 1 The joke was that they would freeze too early, yeah, you know. So I'd be like, I gotta tell you, and Judd Hirsch was the captain,

Speaker 1 the, the, the, and it was like, and I'd enter scenes and I'd go, and greetings and salutations, Kanish,

Speaker 1 you're right, Kanish.

Speaker 1 Mayor Giuliano was setting all those fires,

Speaker 1 And you would walk in and it was like, I got to tell you, Kanish, no,

Speaker 1 you know, it was like, it would, it would freeze too early. Yes, yes.
It was a thing that John and I would, and Fred would get on it too, where we, the ideas that we would try, that

Speaker 1 Lauren would just be like, no, like super. arcane.
Like we want to do one thing about time life. It was a guy, me and Fred recording Time Life.

Speaker 1 It was like a Time Life commercial. It was like Time Life commercial.
And it was like,

Speaker 1 Jimi Hendrix.

Speaker 1 Jimi Hendrix,

Speaker 1 the Star Spangled Banner. And then you slowly realize it's Woodstock.
And then it was like, John Lennon, John Lennon.

Speaker 1 John Lennon.

Speaker 1 And it was just, and we were laughing so hard. And it played like this.
Everybody was like, why is that? Why is this happening? Why is this happening? And we were like,

Speaker 1 could not get through it. We were laughing so hard.
And I just remember, it was one of those things, if you had seen it at SNL, everybody has their stacks of scripts and they're kind of reading along.

Speaker 1 And if something sucks, you'll just see someone in the middle of a sketch just go and just drop it on the floor.

Speaker 1 Yes. Oh, I saw that.

Speaker 1 And you had just, everybody was just dropping it, looking at the next sketch, like, there's no way we're doing this.

Speaker 1 And so when you see that, you just like take it slower. You're like, John

Speaker 1 and looking at everybody

Speaker 1 twist the knife but you know what i i maybe you can relate to this but when i was a kid watching television i loved it when the people making the comedy even if i didn't know what they were talking about if i could sense that they were smart that they didn't care if I laughed or not, like Monty Python.

Speaker 1 Monty Python was a big one, yeah.

Speaker 1 Monty Python, I didn't understand half of what they were talking about because sometimes they would do sketches about whatever was happening in in london politics or british politics in 1969 1970 but there'd be other sketches that i didn't quite understand but i could tell the rhythm of it i could tell this was really smart it was really funny and i could also tell that they they weren't yearning for my laughter yeah yeah they were just making themselves laugh they were making themselves s tv was like that

Speaker 1 well sctv would do jokes There was a Towering Inferno parody they did where there was a big fire and it was a, and all the characters and because of there were so many different characters uh Edith

Speaker 1 remember this yeah uh the

Speaker 1 Andrea Martin yeah played Edith Prickley but she also played another character so there was one scene Andrea Martin was playing the other character in the scene there's like nine characters in the room and they just had Edith Prickley who always wore like a leopard skin pillbox hat they clearly just put that on a

Speaker 1 an actor you know another actor

Speaker 1 and another actor and had that actor turn their back and so that they could do the sketch. And then at the end of the sketch, I think it was John Candy says, all right, let's get moving.

Speaker 1 So and so, so and so, so-and-so, prickly's double, you come with me. And I'm like, I'm, I don't know how old I was at the time.
I might have been 14. You're like, you're allowed to do that?

Speaker 1 I, I couldn't, I literally felt like a laser beam of truth.

Speaker 1 hit me in the middle of my forehead. And I thought, I can't believe that just came through my television.

Speaker 1 They didn't care if I noticed that joke or not. They said it so quickly.
Yeah. I mean, John Candy also did that guy.

Speaker 1 It was like, it was fishing with bands, like where he would have new wave bands and he would fish with them. Yep.

Speaker 1 And then there was this throwaway thing where they would get the fish and they'd be cooking it and they would offer it to him and he would go, oh, I don't eat fish.

Speaker 1 Hey, Sona, I heard you got a new car. Yeah.
You know, David usually gives me a ride to work, but I'd love it if you. No, no, no.

Speaker 3 You're not. I'm sorry.
You're not allowed in my new car.

Speaker 3 My Palisade is my oasis. It's my happy place.
So you're not allowed in.

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I made you.

Speaker 1 When I found you, you were wandering the streets with a bucket on your head. What? And now you're Sonoma Obsession and you're driving around the Palisade.
You won't give me a ride.

Speaker 3 This is why I don't let you in my happy place because you talk about me walking around with a bucket on my head. Why would I let you into my personal oasis if this is the way you're going to talk?

Speaker 3 You have to earn your spot. Well, earn it.

Speaker 1 In my Hyundai Python. The all-new Hyundai Palisade hybrid is more than just another SUV.
It's still the Palisade, but with so much more, like up to 600-plus miles of range. That's incredible.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is. And class-leading interior space.
So much space. Now, have you enjoyed that extra space?

Speaker 3 I'm being very serious right now. If you recline the seat all the way back, a little ottoman pops up so you can sleep comfortably in the front seat.

Speaker 1 That's insane. Yeah.
There are seating configurations for seven to eight passengers with available third-row power seats that recline plus available front and second row relaxation seats.

Speaker 1 Learn more about the Hyundai Palisade at hyundaiusa.com. Call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

Speaker 1 Searchlight Pictures presents Rental Family, starring Academy Award-winning Brendan Frazier, Takahiro Hira, Mari Yamamoto, Shannon Gorman, Akira Amoto, and directed by Hikari.

Speaker 1 Audiences and top critics are celebrating Rental Family as the perfect feel-good movie of the year. I haven't felt good in a while.
I should go see this feel-good movie.

Speaker 1 ScreenRant calls it one of the year's best films, while the Hollywood Reporter calls it a warm and witty delight that balances poignancy and humor with rare delicacy. Huh.

Speaker 1 Critics are praising Fraser's performance with Next Picture calling him brilliant and describing the film as a love letter to Japan. You know, true story, when I was shooting a show in Japan,

Speaker 1 we shot a segment where I rented a family.

Speaker 1 I think we still have a picture framed with you and your family that you rented. Yeah, it was really fascinating.
And it was a great experience.

Speaker 1 And I worked out some of my issues between my father father and I with my rental father,

Speaker 1 who I don't think spoke English. But guess what? It worked out beautifully.
So this would be a movie I should check out. And so you can rent your own family here.
Go see Rental Family.

Speaker 1 Only in theaters this Friday. Get tickets today.

Speaker 1 Macy's has a new parade this year, a parade of deals.

Speaker 1 So if you're standing on the street waiting for that parade to go by, because you took this literally, you're going to be wasting your time.

Speaker 1 wake up kids it's a parade where is it a parade of deals what

Speaker 1 kid crying every day from now through november 27th macy's is featuring a new must-have deal that will last only one day we're talking about daily deals on things you'll love like a super cozy ug fluff throw hey try and say that even if you say it slowly you'll probably mess it up ug fluff throw an upgraded dyson vacuum that's nice and some of your favorite fragrances hair products jewelry too oh and don't forget black friday deals start November 10th.

Speaker 1 So remember, this isn't a real parade. It's a parade of deals.
I was fooled. Don't bring a balloon and get all excited.
Your daily thrill starts now. Shop now at macy's.com or in store.

Speaker 1 I know that I've heard anyway, I don't know if it's true, that you, Mulaney, and Armison had a text exchange going. for a while.
We still do. Where you're the Van Halen brothers? Oh, well, no,

Speaker 1 that was during the pandemic, but it wasn't that. So we've had basically since the

Speaker 1 March 2020 until now, we have a text chain that, and we, I mean, we basically communicate every day on it. I mean, our girlfriends and wives,

Speaker 1 you know, are you texting with John and, you know, and Kimmel sometimes and other people. But I find the Van Halen brothers.

Speaker 1 uh funny i i've always found them very funny they're so talented and such great musicians but they're very touchy and they would air out their grievances to anybody Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I always find that funny. And there was an interview with them when David Roth.
They're always mad at David Lee Roth.

Speaker 1 They're always mad at David Lee Roth, and it was when they reunited at the MDV movie or music awards.

Speaker 1 And it was just funny how I was like, and then, you know, so Dave just goes up there. And, you know, it was like, Eddie Van Halen's like, you know, Dave just goes up there.

Speaker 1 He's popping and booping, doing his Dave thing. He's very disrespectful to Beck.
And then you hear Alex Van Halen going, yeah, very disrespectful to David Beck.

Speaker 1 Very disrespectful to Beck.

Speaker 1 And I sent it to Mulaney and Fred.

Speaker 1 And Mulaney said, Could you imagine getting rear-ended by these guys?

Speaker 1 And then it just started us getting rear-ended, the conversation, and then them holding a press conference.

Speaker 1 And I remember Fred had the joke, he just put in parentheses, no one is asking anything, no reporter is asking a question.

Speaker 1 And then it was Eddie Van Halen going, all right, one at a time, one at a time, one at a time.

Speaker 1 Are they still mad at David Lee Roth, even though he wasn't involved in the accident? Yeah, that was.

Speaker 1 Probably. I just find, yeah, David Lee Roth is hilarious, too.
Like, there's a story. Someone told me, my friend Paul, who's in the band, the OCs, told me a story.

Speaker 1 I don't know if it's true or not, but apparently Henry Rollins was going into like a morning zoo crew interview and David Lee Ross was coming out, you know, so it's like six in the morning.

Speaker 1 And David Lee Ross got this long, beautiful coat on. And Henry Rollins is like, Hey, man, I just want to say I'm a big fan and everything.
And David Lee Ross goes, Oh man, you want to drink?

Speaker 1 And he opened up the can, and he just was lined with beer.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. The thing was just all these beers.
That sounds great. And

Speaker 1 yes. And Henry Rollins is like the most straight-edge guy around.
He goes, No, man, no, I don't want to drink. And David Lee Ross went, What's the matter, man? You got school tomorrow?

Speaker 1 I hope that's true. I hope that's true.
It has to be true. It has to be true.
School tomorrow.

Speaker 1 I was like, I love this. I love it when people

Speaker 1 literally not progressed since we were in high school. I love it when people are.

Speaker 1 I love it when people are who you want them to be. At all times.
That always made me really happy when I would meet celebrities or famous people and they were exactly

Speaker 1 who I wanted them to be. When I worked at South Park, he pitched a movie to us where it was like

Speaker 1 where he was an assassin and stuff. And he was thinking about a guy trying to get his dog back.

Speaker 1 And we were like, oh, and we had to say, oh, they made this movie, John Wick. That's kind of small.

Speaker 1 Nah, but the guy has a dog?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know he has a dog. Famously, famously.

Speaker 1 What do you mean he's got a dog?

Speaker 1 And then he thinks no one's seen.

Speaker 1 And Trey Parker pitched.

Speaker 1 He goes, well, what if you're you and it's like you're having to go on these missions, but you got to like have the band, you know, the bands also going, hey, Dave, we need you on tour and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 He goes, nah, I don't want these, those guys involved with this.

Speaker 1 Then he came by. I remember he walked around South Park and, you know, people, they, they draw on their desk and they can like move around.
And so they draw like this.

Speaker 1 So it's like the drawing desk is like canted, you know? And there was a guy drawing and he just walked around and he went up to this guy who's drawing like that.

Speaker 1 He goes, and he goes, and he just sees him with this desk he goes hey what's wrong with you long night

Speaker 1 everything's in a party context yeah and he goes long night and he went and the guy went whoa diamond dave i'm not kidding

Speaker 1 don't you think that's his life yeah people coming out of man holds me then yeah it is me diamond dave

Speaker 1 we were at the south pasadena 4th of july parade and he was just unaffiliated with the parade riding around on a bicycle throughout the like parade ground. Yeah.
He was not invited to the parade.

Speaker 1 That's my favorite. I want to be

Speaker 1 nice. I just want to make it clear.
Like, we loved him at South Park. It wasn't like a thing where we were like, oh, why is this guy here? We were like totally in awe.

Speaker 1 We were like, oh, my God, that's fucking David Lee Ross. And he did not disappoint at all.
And he was so sweet and nice. But yeah, it was awesome.

Speaker 1 You're one of those people, you fall into this class of person. There's a bunch of them who I rarely have a normal conversation with

Speaker 1 because it goes into riffs and voices right away.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a whole bunch of people, I think Will Farrell's in that group, where I feel that if we were on a strand, if we were on a deserted island, stranded, we wouldn't even go searching for food or water.

Speaker 1 Although we would just be doing business, we would drive everybody crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then it's funny, though, we'll have those conversations, and then it's usually when we're paying the check that I'm like, hey, I'm really depressed.

Speaker 1 I'm going through something and you're like, oh man, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 No, no, it's true. And then I feel like I'm like, yeah, yeah, we'll get to that.

Speaker 1 You know who's also depressed?

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Who this guy?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I mean, you're depressed.

Speaker 1 No, don't do Colombo right now.

Speaker 1 Because before the podcast, I went in and I was chatting with you and I went in and the first thing I was going to do was ask you, because I know you live in the Palisades and I was going to ask you about, you know, your house and family and everything.

Speaker 1 Before I could do it, we got off onto something and then we're just laughing our asses off like idiots. And then just as we're about to come through the podcast, you went, yeah, I know,

Speaker 1 no, we,

Speaker 1 we are, I think you said like two of our houses burned or something. And I, yeah, it was something really, and I thought, shit.
Yeah. I was supposed to start with that.

Speaker 1 No, that's our, that's our whole, that's been our whole friendship. Yeah.
Like, it's joy and fun and goofing around.

Speaker 1 And then it's like, oh, yeah, I'm here to tell you, like, should I go on medication, Conan?

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 not if it makes you less funny.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Absolutely not.

Speaker 1 Get those endorphins running with

Speaker 1 voices.

Speaker 1 Just not ask Conan if you should be on medication. No, no, I'm on so much medication.
No, uh, no, but it is true.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we lost uh, so my kids, so my ex-wife and I live very close to each other and uh she lost her house. And then uh my house is standing but like unlivable.
It's like there's just devastation

Speaker 1 all around. And and then the only way I could get up there, so the fires are on Tuesday.
I wasn't there because I was shooting the VW commercial as a as a Californians. And

Speaker 1 we were shooting that commercial and someone dressed as the guy from the Californians in Malibu. And we look up and there's smoke.
And it was me and Kristen Wiggin a scene. And Kristen,

Speaker 1 that morning went, there's a really bad windstorm coming. I'm really concerned about fires.
First thing she said to me.

Speaker 1 And then I were shooting and I look up, I saw smoke, and the guys go, oh, don't worry, that's in the Palisades. I go, I live in the Palisades.
And it was just dead silence.

Speaker 1 And then I was like, I got to go. And so I never got a chance to go home.
And so I went, I just

Speaker 1 went up and I go, here, I have, you know, medication, which is true, you know,

Speaker 1 up there. And I need to go and get it.
And they said, no, it's too dangerous. And I saw a news crews and I literally just went up to them and I was like, you recognize me? And they were like, no.

Speaker 1 And I was like, all right. I go to the next one.
And I was like, you recognize me. And the guy's like, hey, no way.
Hey, what's up? Diamond Dave. Diamond Dave.
And I was like, that's right.

Speaker 1 Hey, man,

Speaker 1 I got to get my star up. Show to her.
She can be whoever you want to be. Hey, you've seen ordinary people?

Speaker 1 How about a taxi?

Speaker 1 Shit.

Speaker 1 So they let you up. They let me up.
I went up with them. So I went up with a news crew and I go, do you guys want to interview me? I saw you.
In front of my house. I saw you interview.

Speaker 1 So that was the only way I could get up there was if I went up with the news crew.

Speaker 1 And so I went up, went into my house, and I was like, oh, wow, it's not too bad. And then I just stepped and it was like dust, you know, toxic stuff everywhere.

Speaker 1 And then the back went, it's, yeah, it was no good. And

Speaker 1 I was just in total shock. Sona lost her place in Altadena.
I'm sorry. And

Speaker 1 it is something that must still feel crazily surreal to you.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's crazy.

Speaker 3 It is. It's just, you know, you want to keep things in perspective and say everyone's okay, but you, you miss the stuff that you lost.
The community's gone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the community's gone. That was the hardest thing

Speaker 1 was actually seeing like, oh my gosh, this is my kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This everything is,

Speaker 1 you know, gone. And

Speaker 1 that was the thing that kind of hit me so hard was, oh my God, my, you know,

Speaker 1 so that was

Speaker 1 horrible. And it was just kind of,

Speaker 1 I didn't, I thought I was gonna go up there and hopefully the house would be somewhat okay and I could get my passport and get out of there or something and instead it just seeing the devastation of that community and everything just I was like speechless so then I they you know I could feel those guys going oh we're gonna get a good interview with you and they could see that I was it was hitting me and then they felt bad and they went we'll just turn off the camera and Let's just take you back.

Speaker 1 And I was like, all right. But you didn't do one? I did do one.
They aired it. Oh.
Bastards. No, I'm joking.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you don't cry, cry, cry.

Speaker 1 You did nine characters. I did nine characters.
I was like, oh, God.

Speaker 1 I can't believe it's gone.

Speaker 1 You guys like that? You're like, how about that? Love me, love me.

Speaker 1 It never ends. Nothing will make it die.

Speaker 1 My need for a laugh. No.

Speaker 1 But yeah, it was just, it was crazy. I had this moment.

Speaker 1 The moment that hit me was I grabbed, I had this instinct that I just grabbed my keys and I put it in my pocket and I went, this, these, the car keys, the keys, these open nothing.

Speaker 1 And I just like put them away. And I was like,

Speaker 1 right. Yeah, that was, those were those moments.
But yeah, and everybody who's dealing with it, I mean, it's horrible. The amount of GoFundMes I've been on and stuff like that, it's just been rough.

Speaker 1 It's one of those strange things occurred to me where the news is always showing us every part of the world where something crazy is happening. And you sort of become,

Speaker 1 you know, you're distanced from it, but you're just seeing these terrible things happen in other places. And then something on sort of with that kind of intensity happened.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I was like, wait a minute.
Well, the thing that's amazing with me is I'm looking at my kids and they've been through a pandemic and then they've been through this.

Speaker 1 And they're, my, and then my daughter, I was like, well, I found a rental house and she went, oh, can I see it? And like, oh, oh.

Speaker 1 And then she made in her computer, she made this like overview, overhead view of her room. And she's like, oh, cool.
So maybe I could put a dresser here. And she was so positive.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I went, oh, they're so resilient

Speaker 1 and they have their moments, you know, but it's, it's the opposite. Everybody's like, oh, you're there for your kids.
I'm like, no, I'm getting more from them. You know, I'm like so inspired by them

Speaker 1 and their ability to kind of move. and adapt and be positive.
Yeah. Also,

Speaker 1 I feel like, especially really young kids, your kids are three and a half. Yeah.
Mikey and Charlie, they only know now. Like they're so present.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That we've talked about how you have no choice but to be present with them. Yeah.
Yeah. They're moving on.

Speaker 3 They've moved on already. I don't even know if they fully, I mean, I know they remember the house, but they, it's starting to be muddled in with like, oh, we went to the mountains once.

Speaker 3 So that's like maybe the mountain house that we went to. Like they're just, they're losing their memory of it.
Yeah. And you're like, I don't remember in my house at three and a half.
So

Speaker 3 it makes sense that they just kind of

Speaker 3 are moving on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, mine are 15, 12, and 10. So it's like they were, you know, it, it was tough.
And I mean, that was the most heartbreaking thing is my 10-year-old just saying, I just want to go home.

Speaker 1 And you're like, honey, we can't, I can't go home. And that was brutal.
But now it's, it's. Yeah, I get inspiration from them.

Speaker 1 And yeah, just being very lucky that you have a great support system of friends, Alyssa Donovan who works with me, my girlfriend, Allie Wong, like all these people have just been great.

Speaker 1 So yeah, you just, but yeah, it is a funny thing that Allie and I went today to just like literally have to like shop for clothes. I know.

Speaker 1 I know. And it was very sweet, you know? She was like, let's go get you some jeans.

Speaker 1 It's like you're going to camp. I know it was, but it was very sweet.

Speaker 1 It was, it meant a lot to me that she was like, no, let's, because I was, I'm just wearing like Uniqlo sweats, you know, that I basically, you know, and my kids are like, you, you just, you're living in your pajamas, you know, being like, they're very worried.

Speaker 1 And I told her about that. And she was like, what did they take you to get some clothes? And I was, so that was, so those are the, the, the moments.
They're just weird. I don't have, I'm obviously.

Speaker 1 don't have, we're displaced from our home. We can't get back in and there's been a lot of smoke damage.
But my situation was just, I have a lot of clothes in the back of my car.

Speaker 1 And so I'm in a hotel and I'm here at the recording studio and moving around and I'm in different places. And so I try to do regular workouts.
I think it's clear. Sure.

Speaker 1 That's what I was saying. You look good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Real nice. Say it again as Vincent Price.
You look very nice.

Speaker 1 So. Oh, fattle.

Speaker 1 Danny Gould's. Danny Gould's words.

Speaker 1 Fattle. We were watching The Last Man on Earth, and there's a point when Vincent Price gets angry and he throws something, and he went, faddle!

Speaker 1 And I fell over like,

Speaker 1 and then so, okay, whatever, so you're hot. No, no, no, I was doing

Speaker 1 how have you made this about?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I had to,

Speaker 1 I had to,

Speaker 1 I was supposed to do a workout on Zoom, and I realized that I had no sneakers.

Speaker 1 And so I looked down and I was wearing shoes. Yeah.
Shot two people at an Altadena.

Speaker 1 Well, I think. Now listen.

Speaker 1 You didn't have your shoes. Shelter being like

Speaker 1 just around. He didn't have his sneakers.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do we not have?

Speaker 1 Everything.

Speaker 1 Here's what I want to say.

Speaker 1 Now, I had sneakers that were perfectly good

Speaker 1 for working out, but for the kind of workout I was going to do,

Speaker 1 I like ones that have, well, Brooks makes ones that have,

Speaker 1 if it's going to be more aerobic, it has more of an insole.

Speaker 1 And, well, they're costly, but that's the ones that I wanted. Oh, yeah.
And they were, of course, back at the house, which is fine, but I don't have access to.

Speaker 1 Why isn't this seen as a tragedy?

Speaker 1 We don't have spoons.

Speaker 1 We have nothing.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you another one I got.

Speaker 1 There's this kind of sea salt.

Speaker 1 You guys know what dips are, right? I can do 20 dips.

Speaker 1 Well, I could do five on my own. 15 with my trainer holding my legs.

Speaker 1 One trainer holding each leg. One trainer holding each leg and another one lifting me up by my, like a child by my shoulders.

Speaker 1 Let me try again. Guys, I don't have access to my home, and there's this kind of sea salt that I have in the house.
It's there. The house is there.

Speaker 1 It's pink. It's a pink sea salt.
Yeah, I can't put sea salt on the chocolate anymore. No.
No. and so you don't get the salty and the sweet, you get just the sweet.

Speaker 1 Then I go down to Kelson's, and it's not there. No!

Speaker 1 Then I go to Erewhon, but of course, there's a line.

Speaker 1 I think my stories rank with yours. And I go, what do you mean you don't have the Haley Bieber smoothie?

Speaker 1 You ran out of raspberry. You know,

Speaker 1 I swear to God. I've always

Speaker 1 my mind always always goes to what would make people mad, and me having a GoFundMe

Speaker 1 to get my sea to sea salt. To get Tony

Speaker 1 that I don't have access to.

Speaker 1 Would get people so mad. I can't believe this.
This is an atrocity. What do you mean you don't have those almond pretzel bites

Speaker 1 that are $25

Speaker 1 per bite? Per bite.

Speaker 1 What do you mean you have no no kimchi?

Speaker 1 Daddy needs his kimchi.

Speaker 1 Where is the kimchi?

Speaker 1 I don't care if there's no electricity. I need my kimchi.

Speaker 1 Me as that character going to different people, who've had a terrible, facing a much, really bad situation. I don't know.
It makes me happy, but then I realize, oh, it's so awful. It's so awful.

Speaker 1 And I'm sorry. I can't.
Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was just, and it's interesting too running into people who also lost their house i mean that's the nice thing too i'll say is that so many people went through it so you know with my kids and and and everybody you know it's like they're running they have friends who are going through the same thing and so they're all bonding i'm trying to just take it back to reality and trying to forget what conan just said i know i'm joking the wrong sneakers thing i'm joking after we talked about losing our homes and you didn't have the right sneakers you had sneakers but not the right sneakers The sneakers I had were perfectly good.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay, okay. For any workout.
When I go back to my house

Speaker 1 after they fumigated it,

Speaker 1 and I go into my pretty woman-like closet.

Speaker 1 Now I'm just going to have to go in there and destroy everything.

Speaker 1 The

Speaker 1 is the perfect thing. I know.
Sea salt is the perfect thing to go fund me.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, I have a headache. Just a picture of me in a white tuxedo.
My house is fine. On a yacht.
But I don't have access to my sea salt. During the fires, I took my yacht out to Catalina.

Speaker 1 Do you know what that was like for me? Do you know what that was like for me? The rocking back and forth.

Speaker 1 The people saying, Can we get on? And you say, No.

Speaker 1 You have to hit them with an oar. Hitting them with an oar.
Throw out my back. I hurt my back.

Speaker 1 I just told my daughter, here's an oar.

Speaker 1 Poke at them as they try to get home.

Speaker 1 That reminds me of a, this is a crazy memory. Takes me back to an SNL sketch of, I think, there was a terrible disaster.
I forget what it was.

Speaker 1 I think it might be a Downey sketch.

Speaker 1 There was a terrible disaster. This is the king of.
Yeah, and a Jim Downey sketch. And what happens is all the A-listers

Speaker 1 have been wiped out. And so the B-listers have been elevated.
It's just a bunch of agents trying to figure out who the new A-listers are.

Speaker 1 But I remember there was one part where like Charlton Heston is on an overcapsized boat and he's hitting people with oars.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 I love that. Yeah, Downey was always the guy that would come up with a sketch that you were like, oh, really? We're going to do this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was always the guy that I would be like, you want me to do this? Really? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it'll be great. It'll be great.
Everybody will laugh.

Speaker 1 Okay, I hope so.

Speaker 1 But yeah, you know the sketch I always think of that I wish that so many people have told me about? Dana Carvey told me about everything was Giant Businessman. That was the Jack Handy one.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jack Handy was, he had the office next to the one where Greg Daniels, Bob Odenkirk, and I had a... had an office, and Robert Smeigel would come back there all the time.
And

Speaker 1 the bunch of us would just work on things together. Handy had the office next to ours.
And we, of course, would stay up like three nights in a row.

Speaker 1 And Jack Handy would come in and he'd put in, it's like he worked at a bank or something.

Speaker 1 He would put in, you know, eight hours and you'd, he'd type and you'd think, well, okay, you know, we're staying up three nights in a row. And then he would, his stuff at rehearsal, it'd be like

Speaker 1 unbelievable. But giant businessman, I love.

Speaker 1 Giant Businessman was just Phil Hartman as a giant businessman inside a small. So it was him inside a small like apartment set.
Yeah, yeah. And he's like this.

Speaker 1 And it's like, and you know, parto, and now the adventures of the giant businessman.

Speaker 1 And then it was him and then, and next door are people, a band playing like loud. And then he can't concentrate.
So then it cuts him and he's, he's like.

Speaker 1 in the hallway and he has to like crawl on his knees. He's like huge, barely fitting in the hallway.

Speaker 1 And he taps on the door with his finger and someone answers the door and he's like, and giant businessman goes, excuse me, can you please turn your music down?

Speaker 1 And the friend goes, No, and if you ask us again, we'll kick your ass. And then it cuts to him back in his apartment.
He takes up a tiny telephone and he goes, Hello, Witness Protection Program.

Speaker 1 He says, This has been the adventures of giant businessman.

Speaker 1 So the fact that he's a giant and the fact that he's a businessman has nothing to do

Speaker 1 with

Speaker 1 it. But he could step on them, and then he got scared.

Speaker 1 And so many people, Al Franken and Downey and Dana, and everybody, I remember him doing it at the table, and they said that was the biggest laugh that they had heard at the table.

Speaker 1 That just kept going. And in the next sketch, where people were like, wait, what?

Speaker 1 Will Forte was like that. He had that sketch, potato chip, that people talk about sometimes.
And I just, that was like at the table read, it said the script said potato chip.

Speaker 1 And then it, Lauren reads the stage direction, and Lauren went, Open on NASA. And we all died.

Speaker 1 Because we're like, whoa.

Speaker 1 It's called potato chip. Open on NASA.
And we all fell over.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, well, Forte, I don't know where.

Speaker 1 He's like one of those guys, like him and John Solomon, when they get together, it's like, they don't, it's like they don't know where it comes from. Yeah.
You know, it's just very genuine. And

Speaker 1 he doesn't, when you would write with him, I would be laughing hard and he kind of wouldn't be laughing.

Speaker 1 He would kind of look at you like, yeah, so, and then he would say the funniest shit I've ever heard, but it didn't, yeah, he's like, no, no, no, these are jokes, and we'll put them together, you know.

Speaker 1 But I always admired that, you know, because he never would try to put on or anything. He was just very just genuinely

Speaker 1 pure place. Very pure place.
Yeah, I was always impressed with that. Well, we have uh, we've tapped out.
We've gone, I mean, you've given us much joy.

Speaker 1 You've also given us some reality, which I, of course, ignore

Speaker 1 talked about people losing their homes and I made it, you know, about how I don't

Speaker 1 those really good sneakers. Okay, yeah, yeah, you can see it from my point of view.
Now I get it. No, no, you know what I'm saying? You get it.
No, no, but you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 The ones with the really good arch support. You and I get a Ralph's going, Betty Crocker.

Speaker 1 Who the hell is Betty Crocker?

Speaker 1 Why is this so expensive? My God.

Speaker 1 Hashies.

Speaker 1 Hashes. Trump to carry me out of here.

Speaker 1 Nine people with me carry me away.

Speaker 1 I think about you from time to time because you're obviously one of the funniest people, certainly I've ever met, but you're also

Speaker 1 a very sensitive person and you're a really sweet guy. And I like it when we get to hang out.
And I've got it. I'd like to hang out more and

Speaker 1 maybe try and riff a little less and find out how you're

Speaker 1 how you're doing. Like, how are you? No, man, that's, but that's good, though.
It's like it always gets around to that. It gets around to that.
It always gets around to that.

Speaker 1 And you always give me great advice. And the thing I always feel like.
It's a whole cottage industry.

Speaker 1 Like you, you, you mention in an interview, like, oh, yeah, I suffer like really bad anxiety and depression and stuff. And then everybody's, is, it becomes like a whole thing.

Speaker 1 Where now it's like, I would do interviews and I'm like, Google my name and anxiety. You'll see everything I have to say about it.
Yeah, I know what I mean and like depression and all that.

Speaker 1 But when I talk to people like, you know, you or

Speaker 1 Marty or these other, you know, people I, you know, admire so much for so long and you guys, we talk about it and stuff. You guys have been so great at listening and giving me great advice.

Speaker 1 And, you know, so I really appreciate that. Yeah, it's good just to know that so many people out there who in all walks of life have this issue, but it's also particularly an occupational hazard.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. In the comedy world, I don't know what it is.
Yeah. Something where you're the flip side of the coin.
Yeah, totally.

Speaker 1 And I think I've just gotten to this place, though, where it's like kind of for the first time in a healthier place.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's nice seeing Allie, my girlfriend, who's, you know, does stand up and is and but is like a very solid person. Like she makes breakfast for her kids every morning, makes dinner.
She's home.

Speaker 1 It's like her priorities are so dead on. And I'm like, wow, you can be really funny, really smart, and do all the cool stuff and still have that, you know, be a

Speaker 1 person, you know, a human. You know, so

Speaker 1 that's been helpful. Oh, God.
This is not. No, I'm just

Speaker 1 now thinking I gotta start making food.

Speaker 3 Oh, you need to do a lot more than that.

Speaker 1 I know. What do you want? All right.
What does everyone want for breakfast?

Speaker 1 No!

Speaker 1 It's Benedict.

Speaker 1 Host mate!

Speaker 1 You will get honey nut cheerio.

Speaker 1 Dry honey nut cheerio.

Speaker 1 I love this version of me because it is me, just with that different accent.

Speaker 1 I'm the mayor of a mouse.

Speaker 1 My house largely unscathed. Largely unscathed.
As usually.

Speaker 1 Bill Hayter, God bless you. Thank you for being here.

Speaker 1 You know me, I love to travel. You love it.
Travel the world. I do it

Speaker 1 professionally for my travel show, but I also just like to, sometimes with my wife, go and visit a foreign land and try their different cuisines.

Speaker 1 Enjoy the world. Travel is just better with D-Mobile.
You will not believe what members get on their best plans. They get amazing travel benefits like free in-flight Wi-Fi.

Speaker 1 I use my Wi-Fi a lot when I'm on a plane. Me too.
And that free in-flight Wi-Fi sounds good to me. A free year of AAA

Speaker 1 data and texting in over 215 countries and so many more. I don't have time to mention it.
I just don't have the time.

Speaker 3 I didn't even know there were 215 countries.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's just, well,

Speaker 1 it's not sad. It's not even surprising.

Speaker 1 Anyway, all this just means it doesn't cost 50 bucks to tell your producer that you're lost somewhere in, I don't know, Madagascar, the Maldives, Mesopotamia, Miami.

Speaker 1 T-Mobile's benefits and perks take the stress out of travel. Let them save you from the boredom of long flights.
Plus, you can save with all the freebies and discounts.

Speaker 1 Check it out at t-mobile.com/slash travel.

Speaker 1 Searchlight Pictures presents Rental Family, starring Academy Award-winning Brendan Frazier, Takahiro Hira, Mari Yamamoto, Shannon Gorman, Akira Amoto, and directed by Hikari.

Speaker 1 Audiences and top critics are celebrating Rental Family as the perfect feel-good movie of the year. I haven't felt good in a while.
I should go see this feel-good movie.

Speaker 1 ScreenRant calls it one of the year's best films, while the Hollywood Reporter calls it a warm and witty delight that balances poignancy and humor with rare delicacy. Huh.

Speaker 1 Critics are praising Fraser's performance with Next Picture calling him brilliant and describing the film as a love letter to Japan. You know, true story: when I was shooting a show in Japan,

Speaker 1 we shot a segment where I rented a family.

Speaker 1 I think we still have a picture framed with you and your family that you rented. Yeah, it was really fascinating, and it was a great experience.

Speaker 1 And I worked out some of my issues between my father and I with my rental father,

Speaker 1 who I don't think spoke English. But guess what? It worked out beautifully.
So this would be a movie I should check check out. And so you can rent your own family here.
Go see Rental Family.

Speaker 1 Only in theaters this Friday. Get tickets today.

Speaker 1 Cybercrime is a serious problem in the United States. Is this a TSA?

Speaker 1 The internet can be a very dark, dark place. And Sona, I understand that

Speaker 1 you've been the victim of a intended scam that didn't work. That's right.

Speaker 3 I was at Target.

Speaker 1 You were a target.

Speaker 1 And do you want to back this up and say what exactly happened? Yeah.

Speaker 3 There's an email that is no longer checked.

Speaker 3 It's not a working email, but every once in a while, someone will check it, like once a month, once every two weeks, whatever. It was forwarded to me, and it's an email from Conan O'Brien.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And it says, request for contact information.
Yeah. Dear Sona, I hope you're doing well.

Speaker 1 This guy did not do his research.

Speaker 3 When you have a moment, could you please share your personal mobile number with me? I have a task I'd like to ask you to assist with. Best regards, Conan O'Brien.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
Well, a couple of problems there. It doesn't quite have my tone.
No. And I would know not to ask for your assistance

Speaker 1 in any matter.

Speaker 1 That was such a lazy try.

Speaker 1 What's the end game here? Because what they ultimately want is to get in touch with you.

Speaker 3 They want my cell. Yeah.
And so, you know,

Speaker 3 I mean, it's just, but it's also best regards, Conan O'Brien. And then, in what world do you not have my cell phone?

Speaker 1 Also, there's no bit in there.

Speaker 1 There's no shtick.

Speaker 3 I hope you're doing well.

Speaker 1 You should hope I'm doing well. No, no, no.
There's no insult.

Speaker 1 Well, that's what I mean. There's no shtick.
There's no bit. There's no hook.

Speaker 1 This person

Speaker 1 has never listened to this podcast, has never watched any of my work, um, has me confused with the ambassador, the American ambassador to France,

Speaker 1 uh, Dean Adlai Stevenson. Yeah, uh, yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous.
That's a letter, yeah, between two uh high functionaries in the late 50s.

Speaker 3 That's the thing. It's like if we were actual functioning adults, that would make sense, but that doesn't you've never ended an email with best regards, Conan O'Brien.

Speaker 1 Right. And my email to you would be like, hey, Sona, why is Skrillex keep calling me?

Speaker 1 And another thing,

Speaker 1 trying to buy a coffin for a squirrel and getting nowhere. Maybe this was Skrillex.

Speaker 1 I love to throw out some celebrity that's a complete, has no connection to me in any way. That's one of my favorite things to do.
And then to say

Speaker 1 to you or to David, like, why am I, why is Dua Lipa

Speaker 1 texting me constantly? What's that all about?

Speaker 3 Lately, it's a lot of Benny Blanco.

Speaker 1 Yes. I'm obsessed with the name Benny Blanco.
I'm like, can someone get Benny Blanco off my ass?

Speaker 1 And you'll be like, wait, what's going on? And I'll say, he's blowing up my DMs. I don't want to hang.
And I don't even go bowling. I don't even know where you would go bowling.

Speaker 1 And so, who would lie about that? Who, with real things to worry about, would lie about Selena Gomez's boyfriend or fiancé

Speaker 1 wanting to go.

Speaker 3 You don't know who Betty Blanco is?

Speaker 1 Where have you been, ma'am? Come on, Matt.

Speaker 3 Get with it, bro.

Speaker 1 I've been bowling with Skrillex. Yeah, Skrillex.

Speaker 1 Skrillex.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. Eduardo's laughing at you so hard.

Speaker 1 Skrillex. Skrillex.
Oh, God. Yeah.
He no longer dates Skrill. He's Skrill's ex.
Okay. My point is.
You know what? My point is

Speaker 1 that I do want to get it out there that I am sick and fucking tired of Benny Blanco sliding into my DMs.

Speaker 3 You know what? You don't even.

Speaker 1 Can I just say does Benny Blanco even know who I am? Because I get the sense he's really cool. I don't think he does.

Speaker 1 He seems like a cool guy. And Selena Gomez seems like a really cool person.
They're a very cool couple. And now I'm obsessed with Benny Blanco reaching out to me.
And

Speaker 1 I don't think it's going to happen. And I don't even know much about Benny Blanco.

Speaker 3 If he does, would you try to like say cool things to him? Yes, I would. Okay.
I was just wondering if like.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's try it right now. You meet Benny Blanco.

Speaker 3 Hey, hey, Conan, sup, bro.

Speaker 1 Hey, Benny Blanco. What's the score? Wait, he did write that email.

Speaker 1 Hey, Benny Blanco. Hope you're doing well.
Could I have your personal information? Best regards, Conan O'Brien.

Speaker 3 Why are you saying Benny Blanco? Why don't you just say, hey, Benny? Nice to hear from you.

Speaker 1 We haven't been properly introduced yet. You're still Benny Blanco to me, Benny.

Speaker 3 Then you said, what's the score? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 3 Why are you talking so weird, Conan? I'm just seeing what's up, man.

Speaker 1 My best regards to Selena.

Speaker 1 She has conquered vocally

Speaker 1 music, and she has done quite well in light comedy with Murders in the Building.

Speaker 1 Murders in the Building.

Speaker 3 Conan, is this really Conan or is this a scam?

Speaker 1 Oh, you bet your booties, Blanco.

Speaker 1 This is the real McCoy.

Speaker 1 Just wondering how you're doing. Maybe we could hang sometime.
Get the old Bruce Giaruni.

Speaker 3 Oh, Bruce Giarooni, huh? You know what? Actually, I'm busy. I just wanted to check in, and I heard you've been talking a lot about me, but I'm not sliding into your DMs.

Speaker 1 You're old.

Speaker 1 I'm not that old, Benny Blanco. Hey, and someday you'll be my age, and your hips will hurt.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, I hope not.

Speaker 3 I won't ever get as old as you.

Speaker 1 Well, few people have, Benny Blanco. Few people have.
I'm the rare human that's made it this far. Well, my best to you, Benny Blanco.

Speaker 3 Yes. Okay.
It was really good talking to you. You'll never hear from me again.
Coming in.

Speaker 1 See you in the clubs. Oh, God.

Speaker 3 Don't say clubs.

Speaker 1 You won't see me in any of the clubs that you think that you'd go to. I don't know.
It's not me. Hey, it's me, Skrill X.
Oh, God.

Speaker 1 I'll hang out with you. Hey, look, it's Diplo.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Diplo.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I saw his name on a billboard once and I got obsessed. Yeah.
Diplo in Vegas. And I was like, I don't know what he does.
There's just a picture of a guy staring at me. I want a piece of that.

Speaker 3 He's a DJ.

Speaker 1 Okay, whatever. I know they're DJs because it's producer DJ.
Yeah. Oh, Jesus, Eduardo.

Speaker 1 Eduardo.

Speaker 1 You've gone too far. Eduardo,

Speaker 1 all I know is that when I see a billboard of

Speaker 1 a man scowling at me and just wearing no particular outfit, just a t-shirt, and they're scowling at me and it's a name and it says Vegas, I know they're a DJ. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But there's no, it's, what kind of show business is that?

Speaker 3 If if Diplo or Benny Blanco or any DJ ever invited you to Vegas for one of their DJ sets, I know it's not your scene. I'll go.
You have to go. I'll go.
And you have to stand next to them in the booth.

Speaker 1 Message to Benny Blanco,

Speaker 1 Diplo, Skrillex, Habnat, Jab Jab. Who else? Tiesto.

Speaker 3 Tiesto.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. Tiesto.

Speaker 3 DJ Okee.

Speaker 1 Steve Okee. Yeah, I mean, you just...

Speaker 1 What's that? Poly D. Poly D.
Poly D. DJ Poly D.
Poly D. Wait, Poly D from Jersey Shore? That's Adam's name.
Wait, they still don't know his last name?

Speaker 3 Poly fucking Jersey over here. That's why.

Speaker 1 Okay, so listen, let's wrap it up and let's summarize. Polly D Tedesco.

Speaker 1 Tiesto. What's that?

Speaker 1 Tiesto. Tiesto.

Speaker 1 Chain smokers, technician. Chain smokers.
I mean, you name it. You got it.
John Robinson. Of course.
I mean, I had that one written down before you even said it. Wolfman Jack.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I want to hang with any of you. Don't, don't, no, don't, pig.
Amadeus. So you're not too far off.
Yeah, well, that's what he meant. I know.

Speaker 1 Listen, I am ready to hang with any DJ in Vegas if it gets me the street cred I need. Yeah.
Because no one's going to see that coming. Me standing next to them while they're DJing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Whatever that is.

Speaker 3 With a big hat, because it's Vegas and you're probably outside and you're like fully covered.

Speaker 1 I'm holding one of those incredibly giant

Speaker 1 liquors. What is it? Oh, a yard of, like a yard of beer? Yeah.
I thought you were going to say like an Asian parasol or something like that. Yes.

Speaker 1 I'm holding a geisha's parasol in Vegas and holding a very moderately sized 0.0 Heineken.

Speaker 3 Covered head to show, shiny.

Speaker 1 Ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch. Hey, Diplo, there's Benny Blanco and Skrillex.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm signing off.

Speaker 3 Oh, please end this.

Speaker 1 Enjoy this segment.

Speaker 3 Best regards.

Speaker 1 Best regards, Conan O'Brien.

Speaker 1 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Offsessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Speaker 1 Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.

Speaker 1 Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Sambles. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Speaker 1 Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

Speaker 1 You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

Speaker 1 It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at seriousxm.com slash Conan.

Speaker 1 And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Speaker 5 October brings it all: Halloween parties, tailgates, crisp fall nights. At Total Wine and Moore, you'll find just what you need for them all.
Mixing up something spooky?

Speaker 5 Total Wine and More is your cocktail central for all your Halloween concoctions.

Speaker 5 With the lowest prices for over 30 years, you'll always find what you love and love what you find only at Total Total Wine and more. Curbside pickup and delivery available in most areas.

Speaker 5 See TotalWine.com for details. Spirits not sold in Virginia and North Carolina.
Drink responsibly. B21.

Speaker 1 I won't let my moderate to severe plaques symptoms define me.

Speaker 2 Emerge as you. In two clinical studies, Trimphaya goose alcumab, taken by injection, provided 90% clear skin at 16 weeks in seven out of 10 adults with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.

Speaker 2 In a study, nearly seven out of ten patients with 90% clearer skin at 16 weeks were still clearer at five 5 years.

Speaker 2 At one year and thereafter, patients and healthcare providers knew that Tremphaya was being used. This may have increased results.
Results may vary.

Speaker 4 Serious allergic reactions may occur. Tremphia may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them.

Speaker 4 Before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tuberculosis.

Speaker 4 Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms of infection, including fever, sweats, chills, muscle aches, or cough. Tell your doctor if you had a vaccine or plan to.

Speaker 2 Emerge as you. Learn more about tremphaya, including important safety information at tremphaya.com or call 1-877-578-3527.
See our ad in Food and Wine Magazine.

Speaker 2 For patients prescribed Tremphaya, cost support may be available.