Bill Hader Returns Again

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I heard you. And just like that, a State Farm agent will be there to help you choose the coverage you need.

You just say that and they show up.

They come jumping out of a shrub.

Oh, cool. No matter where you are in life, when you need the coverage options, your State Farm agent is there to help on the phone or in person like a good neighbor.
State Farm is there. Hi, my name is Bill Hader, and I feel grateful about being Conor O'Brien's friend.
That's so sweet. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk and lose, climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are going to be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.
Hey, Conor O'Brien here. Welcome to Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend.
Joined, as always, by Sona Mavsessian. Hi, Sona.
Hi. And, of course, Matt Gourley.
Hi. Good to see you, Matt.
Matt, you have some props? You're a prop comic now? No. This was handed to me by the lovely Ruthie in the same way that a child is dropped off at a fire station's doorstep.
Or Moses. A young Moses arrives in a reeded basket.
Well, this was, I believe, literally found on the doorstep here. And it said to Conan O'Brien and Matt Gourley.
Huh. That's nice.
And it says, Conan and Matt, great news. By unanimous vote, the Dilfs of Larchmont are proud to grant you honorary membership.
We are a highly selective unit of local dads who live up to our slogan, protect and provide. As elite members, you now have the right and responsibility to wear the hat, lean into dad jokes, and grill things in a robe.
We know you'll make us proud. With honor, Dan Lerman, founder, DILFs of Larchmont.
DILFs. I don't understand.
Larchmont, let me explain to the listener or viewer,

if you're consuming us that way.

My hat is covered in cobwebs.

Oh, God, it has a long hair on it.

Gross!

Get it off!

Someone was murdered in this hat.

Well, wait a minute.

So I should explain.

Larchmont refers to the area. We're on Larchmont Boulevard, Larchmont Village here in Los Angeles.
Yes. And this is where we have our little building.
And so I guess this person knows that this is where we do our work. Do people just know that? I didn't know people knew that.
I mean, isn't that weird? Well, they sure know it now. Mine has a number on the inside.
Does yours too? Mine says 21. Oh, mine says 20.
Hey, guys. Real cool.
In on the ground floor. Signed and numbered.
DILF stands for what? Dad I'd Like to Fuck. A lot of guests.
Wait, what? Well, it's all right. You probably know.
Well, you know. You know what a MILF is.
Oh, yeah. And a DILF is a dad I'd like to fuck.
Oh, I didn't know that. I haven't heard the term.
A mom is a mom I'd like to fuck, and a dad is a dad I'd like to fuck. Does anyone want to fuck a dad? Hopefully mom.
Okay. Well, like, you know, I mean, a MILF is a hot mom.
Yeah. A DILF is a hot dad.
Okay, so. That's a compliment.
That's nice. You guys are two hot dads, man.
But wait a minute. Didn't this come not from a woman? It came from...
Who is this? A dad. A society of Dilfs here in Larchmont called the Dilfs of Larchmont.
Okay, okay. So guys think you guys are fuckable.
Yeah. This dad...
Dads who people like to fuck think we're dads that they'd like to fuck

they want to fuck

wait what?

you guys are dilf-ilfs

you're dads I like to fuck

I like to fuck

no we're dil-ifs

dads like to fuck

these are dilfs who want to fuck

you guys

I think they're calling and they want to rescind it

right now

I think it's calling and they want to rescind it right now.

I think they're on the line. You know who we are? I think it's incredibly obvious

that people want to fuck us, that other dads.

So it's, we are DILF, ILFs,

duh.

Oh, wow. Can we fit that on the hat?

Let's see.

Don't you think?

I'm a DILF, ILF, duh.

Right? Oh my think? Yeah. I'm a Delf-ilf duh.
Right? Oh my God. Cause obviously, yeah.
Conan O'Brien. And you're like a Delf-ilf duh.
What's that supposed to mean? You're sort of trailing off. They're getting a look at your shirt.
They're wondering, does he go to the, my shirt? Well, I don't know. I don't want to buy ice cream from you in the 20s.
I don't want to be in prison pajamas. These aren't prison pajamas.
Those are prison pajamas. These are not.
This is a very nice, beautiful blue shirt. Dill fight! Dill fight! Dill fight! Yeah! Dill fight.
Fuck each other up. Hey, let's make that movie Dill Fight.
Oh, yeah. Things get real.
Oh, my God. That's good.
Dill Fight.

You know what I mean?

It's sort of like Fight Club,

but it's just two guys

with like grilling spatulas.

Yeah, grilling spatulas

and like a TV remote.

And a baby and a baby Bjorn.

Yeah, Bjorn.

Whatever, Bjorn.

Yeah.

I like it.

Let's get that.

Dill Fight.

Dill Fight.

And instead of like

at the vacant lot at midnight,

it's at the like Trader Joe's

at high noon

or something like that.

Yeah, and first they have to make sure

they still got those cedar chips,

the peach ones, the peach-flavored ones.

Yeah, they still got them.

All right, let's do the fight.

Let's get the chips first.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You still got that pumpkin cider

that comes out every September?

Yeah.

Okay, all right, I'm ready.

We'll be in in a few minutes,

but first we're going to have it out.

Hey, why are we going to fight? Let's just have a beer, a cider, come on. Yeah, yeah.
Let's. I'm ready.
We'll be in. We'll be in in a few minutes, but first we're going to have it out.
Hey, why are we going to fight?

Let's just have a beer, a cider.

Come on.

Let's talk about smoking meat.

Yeah.

Can I lose this gruff voice and just talk how I normally talk?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not who you are.

Okay.

I like it.

This movie sells itself to absolutely no one.

All right.

Congrats on being admitted into the DILFs of Larchmont.

This is clearly an elite society that hands out hats in a bucket that are covered in cobwebs and stray hairs. Yes.
Thank you, DILFs. DILFs of Larchmont.
Of Larchmont. We appreciate the sentiment.
I expect to see us represented in these little silhouettes here, though. Oh, they're a little silhouettes, too.
There should be one really tall one. Yeah.
I'll draw a little longer legs on mine. Wait, that'll look like the other guys are hovering.
Anyway, let's get going. My guest today is an Emmy award-winning actor and comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and wrote and starred in the hit HBO series, Barry.
Come on, for God's sake. Yeah.
He's the man. Please welcome Bill Hader.

You just were telling me just before we started rolling.

Is it rolling?

Recording?

Rolling, rolling.

I don't know the lingo.

I'm new in the business.

Six years.

You said that someone walked up to you, what, on the street?

Yeah, and said, why are you on Conan?

You guys, you're on his podcast. All you guys do is just yeah and said why are you and conan when you guys uh you're on his podcast

all you guys do is just laugh and giggle but there's no talking it's like one guy talks and the other guy's laughing over that guy and i just wish there was more of a discourse Well Well, I was like, okay. I just want to fuck with that guy now.
We should just howl the whole time and say nothing. It's like, it's just so hard to figure that.
Yeah, the people that his septum fixed. Yeah, I know.
That's what I would say to him, first of all. Septum Sam.
Yeah, he, I was the guy. Many women are very interested in me.
I have a log line of suitors. But those are always the people that would come up to you that would have an issue.
new york especially you would come up and go i didn't really like the show like no one comes up like i couldn't believe the show was so bad it was always like when i first started snl was always guys walking up and going they should use you more that's nice that's a nice thing which was very sweet that's a nice thing loren these guys I said, use you more. You's nice.
That's a nice thing. Which was very sweet.
That's a nice thing. And I go, Warren, these guys said I should use you more.
Who? Who are they? No. Wait, wait, where are they? Oh, God.
Shit. I was just remembering, and this is all going to be random thoughts that come into my head because that's what happens when I talk to you.
But when I worked at SNL all those years ago, Leslie Nielsen was the guest and he famously had this, he had this thing made that would make a farting noise. And he went to like a craftsman.
I mean, this thing was not something he bought in a novelty shop. Leslie Nielsen, this was his sense of humor.
This thing was beautifully made. It was made of some sort of teak, some sort of polished wood, and it had brass fittings and everything.
And he would make these farting noises. And I remember you'd be talking to him like, okay, so anyway, Leslie, the idea of this bit.
And he'd be doing it. And he'd be like, oh, okay.
But then he kept doing it to Lorne. And you realize it would, nothing.
You know, because of the 50th anniversary,

there's all these documentaries now, Lorne and Lorne.

Lorne always keeps his dignity in any situation.

And I'll never forget Leslie Nielsen.

Lorne would be like, so I think we're going to do.

And Leslie Nielsen would always do kind of a take

like to the side, like who was that?

You know, an innocent, Casey Innocent,

Leslie Nielsen face take.

And you could see that big chunks of Lorne's organs

And so... of a take like to the side like who was that you know an innocent hazy innocent leslie nielsen face take and you could see that big chunks of lauren's organs were dying just like the fellow canadian yeah fellow canadian he's having he's hosting the show and he's just such a solid yeah comes in with this device yeah he comes in with this device and uh, he comes in with this device.
Thank you. And it's just Lauren's least favorite kind of comedy.
And I just was fascinated. There was nothing Lauren could do.
I can't imagine. I was a PA on this.
I've talked about it a couple of times, the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Collateral Damage. And Bill Hardy, actually was his name, and Jason Altieri,

they had a fart machine that they're missing

and they put it

on the boom guy,

Earl Samson.

They put it on his belt

without him knowing it.

Right.

So he was in an elevator

with Schwarzenegger

and

this

Francesca Neri

was the actress

and they're having this really intense scene

like we got to get out of here

and it was very

and they somehow could do it

where it wasn't just like

it was like

realistic

and so we were all

kind of like at the monitor listening

so it's him going

how could you

if we can get the antidote

Thank you. kind of like at the monitor listening.
So it's him going, how could you do this? If we can get the antidote, everybody will know that you are going to be all right. And we were like, I can't hear it.
Can you hear it? And whatever. And then we knew it was working because then the clapper came in and the guy was laughing.
It was shaking. He was like, kick me, kick me.
And then came out. We're like, oh, good.
And yeah, the Spurl Sampson, the boom guy was like, where is that coming from? And it was on his belt. I just need you to get out of here.
Does Arnold ever call it out and say what's happening? No, I think after, I think somebody came in and was like, get that that off like took it off his belt and like came over and we all and we all acted like stupid like what wait what happened who did that that was 25 years ago sorry jason bill i just outed you guys but yeah we were all like wait wait, what's going on? But it was so perfect.

It was too big a farts.

It wouldn't have worked.

It had to be a little subtle.

If it had been the Leslie Nielsen type variety, that's too much.

Lauren would have liked this.

He would have been like, it's not wit.

He would get. my god I know Lauren would get frustrated when you cause you Mulaney you guys would have these obsessions yeah about very small things in show business yeah that he Lauren loves a big he likes a home run hitter he likes likes someone who's going to go out there.
He likes, you know, give me your church lady. Give me the character that everyone just can't wait to see.
Softball down the middle. And I know that you guys loved coming up with stuff that would kind of, you know, like, I mean, the one I'm thinking of is you were doing a Judd Hirsch impression on the show.
When I came back to host Steve Higgins, out of the gate. I was like, hey, Steve, he goes, all right, none of that sandwich in a briefcase shit that you and Mulaney like so much.
Oh, my God. Sandwich in a briefcase is a perfect description.
of weird sandwich in a briefcase that made me laugh.

Because that's so accurate.

And I remember, yeah, we had a sandwich in a briefcase in a sketch and it got cut.

And I told Mulaney he wasn't there.

Can I show the concept real fast?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, the concept of the sketch, we'll edit here, everybody.

Okay, and three, two, and one, and two, and it was called Kanish in Color.

And it was a cop show, a 70s cop show called Kanish. And the host was Kanish.
And then we basically kind of just did that thing where we ripped off from a police squad where everybody. But it wasn't a thing where we all froze and we pretended to be frozen and someone came in.
The joke was that they would freeze too early. Yep.
So I'd be like i gotta tell you can and judd hirsch was uh the captain uh the the man it was like and i had inner scenes and i go and greetings and salutations kanish okay you're right kanish mayor giuliano was setting all those fires and and you would walk in and it was like, I got to tell you, Ganesh, no, you know, it would freeze too early. Yes, yes.
It was a thing that John and I and Fred would get on it too, where we, the ideas that we would try, that Lauren would just be like, no, like super arcane. We want to do one thing about time life it was a guy me and fred recording time life um it was like a time life uh commercial it was like time life commercial thing it was like jimmy hendrix jimmy hendrix the star spangled banner and then you slowly realize it's woodstock yeah and it was like john lennon john lennon john lennon and it was just and we were laughing so hard and it played like this everybody was like why is this happening why is this happening and we were like could not get through it we were laughing so hard and i just remember it was one of those things if you had seen it at snl everybody has their stacks of script scripts and they're kind of reading along and if something sucks you'll just see someone in the middle of a sketch just go and just drop it on the floor yes yes oh i saw that many times just everybody was just dropping it looking at the next schedule.
There's no saw that many times too. And you had just, everybody was just dropping it,

looking at the next schedule.

There's no way we're doing this.

And so when you see that,

you just like take it slower.

You're like,

John Lennon.

And looking at everybody.

Twist the knife.

But you know what?

Maybe you can relate to this,

but when I was a kid watching television,

I loved it when the people making the comedy, even if I didn't know what they were talking about, if I could sense that they were smart, that they didn't care if I laughed or not. Like Monty Python.
Monty Python was a big one, yeah. Monty Python, I didn't understand half of what they were talking about because sometimes they would do sketches about whatever was happening in London politics or British politics in 1969, 1970.

But there'd be other sketches

that I didn't quite understand.

But I could tell the rhythm of it.

I could tell this was really smart,

was really funny.

And I could also tell that

they weren't yearning for my laughter.

Yeah, yeah.

They were just making themselves laugh.

They were making themselves laugh.

Yeah, SCTV was like that too.

Well, SCTV would do jokes. There was a Towering Inferno parody they did where there was a big fire and all the characters.
And because there were so many different characters. I remember.
Remember this? Yeah. Andrea Martin played Edith Prickley, but she also played another character.
So there was one scene, Andrea Martin was playing the other character in the scene. There's like nine characters in the room and they just had Edith Prickly who always wore like a leopard skin pillbox hat.
They clearly just put that on another actor and had that actor turn their back and so that they could do the sketch. And then at the end of the sketch, I think it was John Candy says, all get moving so and so so and so so and so prickly's double you come with me and i'm like i'm i don't know how old i was at the time i might have been 14 you're like you're allowed to do that i i couldn't i literally felt like a laser beam of truth hit me in the middle of my forehead and I thought, I can't believe

that just came through

my television.

They didn't care

if I noticed that joke or not.

They said it so quickly.

Yeah, I mean,

John Candy also did that guy

that was like,

it was fishing with bands

like where he would have

New Wave bands

and he would fish with them.

And then there was

this throwaway thing

where they would get the fish

and they'd be cooking it

and they would offer it to him

and he would go,

oh, I don't eat fish. Blake, I understand you're taking a trip pretty soon.
Where are you going? I'm going to the mountains. I'm going to Idlewild.
The mayor's a dog. Did you know that? Okay.
Mayor Max. Way too much information.
I'm just saying it's Mayor Max. He's a dog.
Okay, well, that's nice you're going to Idlewild it's great and you know what I'm thinking about hosting on Airbnb while I'm gone to help offset some of the cost of the trip that's smart hosting is a pretty cool and unique way to make some money back that's right and people can stay in my awesome apartment which is full of great comic books I have a lot of cool figurines it's really it's a great place to stay also stay also. Have you seen the movie 40-Year-Old Virgin? No.
I should check it out sometime. Okay.
Sounds fun. But you know what? You know, if you've got 20, 25 goals of like travel and stuff like that, this would fit very nicely into those goals, which is using Airbnb.
That's right. Because it's more relaxing to take a trip when you know that you're making some cash on the other end.
Exactly. And it might make you a little more, I don't know, prone to spend a little more on your trip on yourself because you know that you're being responsible.
That's right. So don't leave money on the table when you travel.
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You've used Insta-chill?

Yeah, they sent us one and I took it.

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Thank you.

I feel fresh-faced.

I've been using it pretty consistently.

You know, there's eye holes,

so you could just like wear it

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You look kind of crazy, but you can just, you know, watch some TV. You look like when Hannibal Lecter cut off someone's face and put it on his face.
But it was cooling. Yeah.
It really, you really feel it working. It's actually really nice.
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Available at sharkbeauty.com. I went to a a party recently It was a rager By my friend Rodman Yeah, yeah He had the tunes bumping It was really fun And it was special to me Because when you get together With good friends Good chums Amigos Pals from the past Celebrating important occasions Means more moments With the coolest people In your life For me That's gotta be Rodman be Rodman.
I have so many cool people. I have so many cool.
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I have the coolest friends. Cheers to 50 years of Miller Lite, the greatest tasting light beer for people who love beer since 1975.
Yeah. You know what I say? What? I say it's Miller time.
I do. It's the 50th anniversary of Miller Lite.
Did you know that? I didn't. So many times, whether I've been out at sea.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
You know, on someone's yacht and I'll crack open a Miller Lite or whether I'm scaling a volcano. Oh, yeah.
It's about to erupt because that's the best time to see a volcano when you can feel the tremors and I crack open a Miller Lite. Miller Lite! That's what I'm talking about.
It's great taste. It's 96 calories.
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96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. I know that I've heard anyway, I don't know if it's true that you, Mulaney and Armisen had a text exchange going for a while.
We still do. Where you're the Van Halen brothers.
Oh, well, no, that was, that was during the pandemic, but it wasn't that we've had basically since the March, 2020 until now now we have a text chain that and we i mean we basically communicate every day on it i mean our girlfriends and wives you know are you texting with john and you know and kimmel sometimes and other people but i find the van halen brothers uh funny i've always found them very funny they're so talented and such great, but they're very touchy and they would air out their grievances to anybody. And I always find that funny.
And there was an interview with them when David Lee Roth. They're always mad at David Lee Roth.
They're always mad at David Lee Roth. And it was when they reunited at the MDV Music Awards.
And it was just funny how I was like, and then, you know, so up there and you know it was like eddie van halen's like you know day just goes up there he's popping and booping doing his dave thing he's very disrespectful to beck and then you hear alex van halen going yeah very disrespectful very disrespectful to beck and i sent it to mulaney and fred and mul said, could you imagine getting rear-ended by these guys?

And then it just started us getting rear-ended, the conversation,

and then them holding a press conference.

And I remember Fred had the joke.

He just put in parentheses, no one is asking anything.

No reporter is asking a question.

And then it was Eddie Van Halen going, all right, one at a time, one at a time. Are they still mad at David Lee Roth, even though he wasn't involved in the accident? Yeah, that was...
Probably. I just find out, yeah, David Lee Roth is hilarious, too.
Like, there's a story. Someone told me, my friend Paul, who's in the band The O.C., has told told me a story i don't know if it's true or not but apparently henry rollins was going into like a morning zoo crew interview and david lee ross was coming out you know so it's like six in the morning and david ross got this long beautiful coat on and henry ross is like hey man i just want to say i'm a big fan and everything.
And David Lee Ross goes, oh, man, you want a drink?

And he opened up the can and he just, it was

lined with beer.

The thing was just all these beers.

That sounds true.

And Henry Rollins

is like the most straight-edge guy

around. He goes, no, man, no, I don't want a drink.

And David Lee Ross went, what's the matter,

man? You got school tomorrow i hope that's true i hope that's true it has to be true it has to be school tomorrow i was like i love this guy i love it when people i always literally not in high school. I love it when people are...
I love it when people are who you want them to be. At all times.
That always made me really happy when I would meet celebrities or famous people and they were exactly who I wanted them to be. When I worked at South Park, he pitched a movie to us where it was like...
He was was an assassin and stuff and he's like about a guy trying to get his dog back and we were like oh and we had to say oh they made this movie john wick that's kind of no the guy has a dog yeah no he has a dog famously famously what do you mean he's got a dog and then he thinks no one's seen those movies and Trey Parker pitched he goes well what if you're you mean he's got a dad? And then he thinks no one's seen those movies. And Trey Parker pitched.
He goes, well, what if you you're you and it's like you're having to go on these missions, but you gotta have the band, you know, the band's also going, hey Dave, we need you on tour and stuff like that. He goes, nah, I don't want those guys involved with this.
Then he came by, I remember, he walked around South Park and, you know, people people they they draw on their desk and they can like move around and so they draw like this so it's like the drawing desk is like canted you know and there was a guy drawing and he just walked around he went up to this guy who's drawing like that he goes and he goes and he just sees him with this desk he goes hey what's What's wrong with you, long night?

Everything's in a party context. Yeah, and he goes, hey, long night? And the guy went, whoa, Diamond Dave.
I'm not kidding. Don't you think that's his life? Yeah.
People coming out of mantles. It is me, Diamond Dave.
We are at the South Pasadena 4th of July Parade, and he was just unaffiliated with the parade, riding around on a bicycle throughout the parade grounds. He was not invited to the parade.
It was nothing to do with the parade. That's my favorite.
I want to beat him. And he was nice.
I just want to make it clear. We loved him at South Park.
It wasn't like a thing where we were like, oh, why is this guy here? We were like totally in awe. We were like, oh my God, that's fucking David Lee Roth.
And he did not disappoint at all. And he was so sweet and nice.
But yeah, it was awesome. You're one of those people, you fall into this class of person.
There's a bunch of them who I rarely have a normal conversation with. Because it goes into riffs and voices right away.
There's a whole bunch of people.

I think Will Ferrell's in that group where I feel that if we were on a

stranded island, stranded, we wouldn't even go searching for food or water.

We would just be doing bits.

Well, the bits would just drive everybody crazy.

Yeah.

And then it's funny though.

We'll have those conversations and then it's usually when we're paying the

check that I'm like, hey, I'm really depressed.

I'm going through something and you're like, oh, man, I'm sorry. No, no, it's true.
And then I feel like I. I'm like, yeah, we'll get to that.
You know who's also depressed? Wow.

This guy.

Yeah.

I mean, you're depressed.

No, don't do Columbo right now.

Because before the podcast, I went in and I was chatting with you.

And I went in and the first thing I was going to do was ask you,

because I know you live in the Palisades, and I was going to ask you about went in and the first thing I was going to do was ask you, because I know you live in the Palisades and I was going to ask you about, you know,

your house and family and everything.

Before I could do it, we got off onto something and then we're just laughing our asses off

like idiots.

And then just as we're about to come to the podcast, you went, yeah, no, no, we, we are,

I think you said like two of our houses burned or something.

Yeah.

And I,

yeah,

it was something really,

and I thought,

shit.

Yeah.

I was supposed to start with that.

No,

that's our,

that's our whole,

that's been our whole,

uh,

friendship.

Yeah.

It's joy and fun and goofing around.

And then it's like,

oh yeah,

I'm here to tell you like,

should I go on medication Conan?

You know,

not if it makes you less funny.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Absolutely not.

Get those endorphins

running with voices.

You should not ask

Conan if you should be

on medication.

No, no.

I'm on so much medication.

No, but it is true.

Yeah, we lost some of my kids. My ex-wife and i live very close to each other and uh she lost her house and then uh my house is standing but like unlivable it's like there's just devastation all around all around and and then the only way i could get up there.
So fires on tuesday i wasn't there because i was shooting the vw commercial as a cal was the californians and we were just then we were shooting that commercial and so i'm dressed as the guy from the californians in malibu and we look up and there's smoke and it was me and kristen wig in a scene and kristen that morning went there's a really bad windstorm coming I'm really concerned about fires first thing she said to me and then I was shooting and I look up I saw smoke and the guys go oh don't worry that's in the Palisades I go I live in the Palisades and it was just dead silence and then I was like I gotta go And so I never got a chance to go home and so i went i just i just went up and i go here i have you know medication which is true you know uh up there and i need to go and get it and they said no it's too dangerous and i saw a news cruise and i literally just went up to them and i was like you recognize me and they're like no and i was like all next one. I was like, you recognize me? And the guy's like, hey, no way.
Hey, what's going on? Diamond Dave. Diamond Dave.
And I was like, that's right. Hey, man, I gotta get my stuff up.
Show to her. She can be whoever you want to be.
Hey, you seen Ordinary People? How about Taxi? Shit. so they how about taxi

shit

so they let you up

they let me up

I went up with them

so I went up

with a news crew

and I go

do you guys want

to interview me

in front of my house

I saw you interview me

so that was the only way

I could get up there

was if I went up

with the news crew

and so I went up

went into my house

and I was like

oh wow

it's not too bad

and then I just stepped

and it was like dust

you know toxic

sure

stuff Thank you. with the news crew and so i went up went into my house and i was like oh wow it's not too bad and then i just stepped and it was like dust you know toxic sure stuff everywhere and then the back when it's yeah it was no good and uh and i was just in total shock sona lost her place in altadena i'm sorry and um it is something that uh must still feel crazily surreal yeah it does Yeah, it does.
Yeah. It's crazy.
It is. It's just, you know, you want to keep things in perspective and say everyone's okay, but you miss the stuff that you lost.
The community's gone. Yeah, the community's gone.
That was the hardest thing. Yeah.
Was actually seeing like, oh my gosh, this is my kids. Yeah.
This is everything is is you know gone and and uh that that was the thing that kind of hit me so hard was oh my god my you know uh so that was uh horrible and it was just kind of uh I didn't I thought I was going to go up there and hopefully the house would be somewhat okay and I could get my passport and get out of there or something.

And instead of just seeing the devastation of that community and everything, I was like speechless.

So then I could feel those guys going, oh, we're going to get a good interview with you.

And they could see that it was hitting me.

And then they felt bad and they went, we'll just turn off the camera and let's just take you back. And I was like right thanks didn't do one i did do one they aired it oh bastards no i'm joking thank you cry cry cry you did nine characters i did nine characters i was like oh god i can't believe it's gone.
You guys like that? How about that? Love me. Love me.
It never ends. Nothing will make it die.
My need for a laugh. No.
But yeah, it was just crazy. I had this moment.
The moment that hit me was I grabbed. I had this instinct that I just grabbed keys and i put it in my pocket and i went this these the car keys the key these open nothing and i just like put them away i was like right you know that was those were those moments but yeah and everybody who's dealing with it i mean it's horrible the amount of gofundmes i've been on and stuff like that it's just been rough it's one of those strange things occurred to me where the news is always showing us every part of the world where something crazy is happening and you sort of become you know you're distanced from it but you're just seeing these terrible things happen in other places and then something on sort of uh with that kind of intensity happened yeah yeah you think wait a minute well the thing that's amazing with me with me is I'm looking at my kids and they've been through a pandemic and then they've been through this.
And they're my, and then my daughter, I was like, well, I found a rental house and she went, oh, can I see it? And like, oh, oh. And then she made the inner computer.
She made this like overview, overhead view of her room. And she's like, oh, cool.
So maybe I could put a dresser here. And she was so positive yeah and i went oh they're so resilient and they have their moments you know but it's it's the opposite everybody's like oh you're there for your kids i'm like no i i'm getting more from them you know i'm like so inspired by them and their ability to kind of move and um adapt and be positive.
Yeah. Also, I feel like especially really young kids, your kids are three and a half.
Yeah. Mikey and Charlie, they only know now, like they're so present.
Yeah. That we've talked about how you have no choice but to be present with them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're moving on.
They've moved on know if they fully i mean i know they remember the house but they it's starting to be muddled in with like oh we went to the mountains once so that's like maybe the mountain house that we went to like they're just they're losing their memory of it yeah and you're like i don't remember in my house at three and a half so yeah it makes sense that they just kind of

that's true or moving on yeah mine are 15 12 and 10 so it's like they were you know it it was tough and i mean that was the most heartbreaking thing is my 10 year old just saying i just want to go home and you're like honey we can't i can't go home and that was brutal but now it's it's yeah I get inspiration from them.

And yeah,

just being very lucky

that you have a great support system of friends. Alyssa Donovan, who works with me, my girlfriend, Allie Wong, like all these people have just been great.
So, yeah, it is. But, yeah, it is a funny thing that Allie and I went today to just, like, literally have to, like, shop for clothes.
I know. I know.
And it was very sweet. You know, she was like, let's go get you some jeans.
It's like you're going to camp. I know it was, but it was very sweet.
It was, it meant a lot to me that she was like, no, it's because I was, I'm just wearing like Uniqlo sweats, you know, that I basically, you know kids are like you you just you're living in your pajamas you know I feel like they're very worried and I told her about that and she's like let me take you to get some clothes and I was so that was so those are the the moments they're just weird I don't have I'm obviously don't have we're displaced from our home we can't get back in and there's been a smoke damage. But my situation was just, I have a lot of clothes in the back of my car.

And so I'm in a hotel.

And I'm here at the recording studio and moving around.

And I'm in different places.

And so I try to do regular workouts.

I think it's clear.

I was saying you look good.

Yeah.

Real nice.

Say it again as Vincent Price.

You look very nice. So.
Oh, faddle. Faddle.
Dana Gould's word. Faddle.
We were watching The Last Man on Earth, and there's a point when Vincent Price gets angry and he throws something, and he went, faddle. And I fell over life.
then so, okay, so you're hot. No, no, no, I was doing- How have you made this about me? So you're hot.
No, no, no, I had to, I had to, I was supposed to do a workout on Zoom, and I realized that I had no sneakers. And so I looked down and I was wearing shoes.
Got two people at an Altadena. Well, I think, now listen.
It's like a shelter being like, just around like, he didn't have his sneakers. Yeah.
What do we not have? Everything. Here's what I want to say.
Now I had sneakers that were perfectly good for working out, but for the kind of workout I was going to do, I like ones that have, well, Brooks makes ones that have, if it's going to be more aerobic, it has more of an insole. Yeah.
And well, they're costly, but that's the ones that I wanted. Right, right they were, of course, back at the house, which is fine, but I don't have access to.
Yeah. Why isn't this seen as a tragedy? We don't have spoons.
We have nothing. Let me tell you another one I got.
There's this kind of sea salt. Guys, you guys know what dips are, right? Well, I can i can do 20 dips well i could do five on my own 15 with my trainer holding my legs a trainer one trainer holding each leg one trainer holding each leg and another one lifting me up by my like a child let me try again, I don't have access to my home and there's this kind of sea salt that I have in my home.
It's there. The house is there.
It's pink. It's a pink sea salt.
I can't put sea salt on the chocolate anymore. No.
No. And so you don't get the salty and the sweet.
You get just the sweet. Then I go down to Kelson's and it's not there.
No. Then I go to Erewhon, but of course, there's a line.
I think my stories rank with yours. And I say, what do you mean you don't have the Hayley Bieber smoothie? You ran out of raspberry.
You know, I... I swear to God, I've always...
And lemon curd. My mind always goes to what would make people mad and me having a GoFundMe to get my sea salt.
To get the sea salt that I like that I don't have access to. Oh, wow.
It would get people so mad. I can't believe this.
This is an atrocity. What do you mean you don't have those almond pretzel bites? That are $25.
Per bite. Per bite.
What do you mean you have no kimchi? Daddy needs his kimchi. Where is the kimchi? I don't care if there's no electricity.
I need my kimchi. Me as that character going to different people who've had a terrible, facing a much, a really bad situation.
I don't know. It makes me happy, but then I realize, oh, it's so awful.
It's so awful, and I'm sorry. I can't.
Yeah, it is. Yeah, and it's interesting, too, running into people who are also lost over a house.
I mean, that's the nice thing, too, I'll say, is that so many people went through it. So, you know, with my kids and everybody, you know, it's like they're running, they have friends who are going through the same thing

and so they're all bonding.

I'm trying to just take it back to reality

and trying to forget what Conan just said.

I know.

I'm joking.

The wrong sneakers thing?

I'm joking.

After we talked about losing our homes

and you didn't have the right sneakers,

you had sneakers,

but not the right sneakers.

The sneakers I had were perfectly good.

Okay, okay.

For any workout.

When I go back to my house. After they fumigated it.
And I go into my pretty woman-like closet. Now I'm just going to have to go in there and destroy everything.
True.

It's the perfect.

I know. Sea salt is the perfect thing to go fund me.

Just a picture of me in a white

tuxedo. My house is fine

but I don't have access to my

sea salt. During the fires I took

my yard out to Catalina.

Do you know what that

was like for me? Do you know what that was like for me?

The rocking back and forth.

The people saying, can we get on?

And we say, no.

I have to hit them with an oar.

Hitting them with an oar.

Throw out my back.

I hurt my back.

I just told my daughter, here's an oar. Poke at them as they try to get home.
That reminds me of a, this is a crazy memory, takes me back to an SNL sketch of I think there was a terrible disaster. I forget what it was.
I think it might be a Downey sketch. There was a terrible disaster.
He's was a terrible disaster and yeah and a jim downey sketch and what happens is all the a-listers are gone have been wiped out and so the b-listers have been elevated it's just a bunch of agents trying to figure out who the new a-listers are but i remember there was one part where like charlton heston is on an over a capsized boat and he's hitting people with a i don't know i love that yeah downy was always the guy that would come up with a sketch that you were like oh really we're gonna do this yeah he was always the guy that i would be like you want me to do this really yeah yeah it'll be great it'll be great everybody'll laugh I hope so. But yeah,

you know,

the sketch I always think of

that I wish that so many people have told me about, Dana Carvey told me about everything, was a giant businessman. That was the Jack Handy one.
Yeah. Jack Handy, he had the office next to the one where Greg Daniels, Bob Odenkirk, and I had an office, and Robert Smigel would come back there all the time, and the bunch of us would just work on things together.
Handy had the office next to ours, and we, of course, would stay up like three nights in a row, and Jack Handy would come in, and he'd put in, it's like he worked at a bank or something. He would put in, you know, eight hours, and he'd type, and you'd think, well, okay, you you know we're staying up three nights in a row and then he would his stuff at rehearsal unbelievable but giant businessman i love giant businessman was just phil hartman as a giant businessman inside a small so it was him inside a small like apartment set yeah yeah and he's like this and it's like and you know pardo and now the adventures of giant businessmen and then it was him and then and next door are people a band playing like loud and then he can't concentrate so then it cuts to him he's he's like in the hallway and he has to like crawl on his knees he's like huge barely fit in the in the hallway.
And he taps on the door with his finger and someone answers the door and he's

like, and Janet Businessman goes, excuse me, can you please turn your music down?

And the man goes, no.

And if you ask us again, we'll kick your ass.

And then it cuts to him back in his apartment.

He takes up a tiny telephone and he goes, hello, witness protection program.

This has been the adventures of giant businessmen so the fact that he's a giant and the fact that he's a businessman has nothing to do no and then he could step on these people he could step on them and then he got scared and so many people al franken and downy and dana and everybody i remember him doing at the table and they said that was the biggest laugh that they had heard at the table that just kept going into the next sketch where people were like wait what? Will Forte was like that he had that sketch potato chip that people talk about sometimes and I just that was like at the table read it said the script said potato chip and then it lauren reads the stage direction and lauren went open on nasa and we all died it's called potato chip open on nasa and we all fell over yeah yeah i mean well forte i don't know where he's like one of those guys like him and john solomon when they get together it's like they don't it's like they don't know where it comes from yeah you know it's just very genuine and yes yeah and he doesn't when you would write with him i would be laughing hard and he kind of wouldn't be laughing he would kind of look at you like yeah so and then he would say the funniest shit i've ever heard, but it didn't. Yeah, he's like, no, no, no, these are jokes, and we'll put them together.
But I always admired that because he never would try to put on or anything. He was just very genuinely funny.
It came from a really pure place. Yeah, very pure place.
Yeah, I was always impressed with that. Well, we've tapped out.
We've gone, I mean, you've given us much joy. You've also given us some reality, which I, of course, ignore.
Talked about people losing their homes and I made it, you know, about how I don't... Those really good sneakers.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can see it from my point of view.
Now I get it. No, no.
You know what I'm saying? Oh, you get it. No, no, but you know what I mean? The ones with the really good art support.

It is you and a Ralphs going, Betty Crocker.

Who the hell is Betty Crocker?

Why is this so inexpensive?

My God.

Here she is. There she is.
Someone carry me out of here. Nine people with me carry me away.
I think about you from time to time because you're obviously one of the funniest people certainly I've ever met but you're also um you're a very sensitive person and you're a really sweet guy and I like it when we get to hang out and I've got it I'd like to hang out more and yeah maybe try and riff a little less and find out how you're how you're doing like how are you no man it's but that's good though it's like it always gets around to that it gets around it always gets around to that and you always give me great advice and the thing i always feel like it's a whole cottage industry like you you mentioned in an interview like oh yeah i suffer like really bad anxiety and depression and stuff and then everybody is it becomes like a whole thing where now it's like i would do interviews and i'm like google my name and anxiety you'll see everything I have to say about it you know what I mean and like depression and all that but when I talk to people like you know you or or Marty or or these other you know people I you know admire so much for so long and yeah and you guys we talk about it and stuff you You guys have been so great at listening and giving me great advice. And, you know, so I really appreciate that.
Yeah, it's good just to know that so many people out there who, in all walks of life, have this issue. But it's also particularly an occupational hazard.
Oh, yeah. In the comedy world, I don't know what it is.
Yeah, it's something where you just... It's the flip side of the coin.
Yeah, totally. And I think I think i've just gotten to this place though where it's like kind of for the first time in a healthier place i mean it's nice seeing ali my girlfriend who's you know just stand up and is and but is like a very solid person like she makes breakfast for her kids every morning he makes dinner she's home it's like her priorities are so dead on and I'm like wow you can be really funny really smart and do all the cool stuff and still have that you know be a a person you know a human you know so so that's been helpful oh come in sad no I'm just oh Jesus now I'm thinking I gotta start making food oh you need to do a lot more than that.
I know. What do you want? All right, what does everyone want for breakfast? No! It's Benedict.
Post-matic! You will get Honey Nut Cheerios. Dry Honey Nut Cheerios.
I love this version of me. Because it is me.
Just with that different accent. God bless you.
I'm the mayor of a multi. My house largely unscathed.
Largely unscathed.

As usual.

Bill Hader, God bless you.

Thank you for being here.

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You've used InstaChill? Yeah, they sent us one and I took it. You look fantastic, by the way.
Thank you. I feel fresh-faced.
I've been using it pretty consistently. You know, there's eye holes, so you could just, like, wear it and just go about your day.
You look kind of crazy, but you can just, you know, watch some TV and relax. You look like it when Hannibal Lecter cut off someone's face and put it on his face.
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Available at sharkbeauty.com. Cyber crime is a serious problem in the United States.
Is this a PSA? The internet can be a very dark, dark place. And Sona, I understand that you've been the victim of a intended scam that didn't work.
That's right. I was a target.
You were a target. And do you want to back this up and say what exactly happened? Yeah.
There's an email that is no longer checked. It's not a working email, but every once in a while, someone will check it like once a month, once every two weeks, whatever.
It was forwarded to me, but it's an email from Conan O'Brien. Yeah.
And it says request for contact information. Yeah.
Dear Sona, I hope you're doing well.

This guy did not do his research.

When you have a moment, could you please share your personal mobile number with me?

I have a task I'd like you to assist with.

Best regards, Conan O'Brien.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, a couple of problems there.

It doesn't quite have my tone.

No. And I would know not to ask for your assistance.
In any matter. That was such a lazy try.
No. Wait, what's the end game here? Because what they ultimately want is to get in touch with you.
They want myself. Yeah.
And so, you know, I mean, it's just, but it's also best regards, Conan O'Brien.

And then in what world do you not have my cell phone?

Also, there's no bit in there.

There's no shtick.

I hope you're doing well.

You hope I'm doing well.

No, no.

There's no insult.

Well, that's what I mean.

There's no shtick.

There's no bit.

There's no hook.

This person has never listened to this podcast, has never watched any of my work, has me confused with the ambassador, the American ambassador to France, Dean Adlai Stevenson. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, it's ridiculous.
That's a letter between two high functionaries in the late 50s. That's the thing.
It's like if we were actual functioning adults, that would make sense. But that doesn't, you've never ended an email with best regards, Conan O'Brien.
Right, and my email too would be like, hey, Sona, why is Skrillex keep calling me? And another thing, trying to buy a coffin for a squirrel and getting nowhere. Maybe this was Skrillex.
I love to throw out some celebrity that's a complete, has no connection to me in any way. That's one of my favorite things to do.
And then to say to you or to David,

like, why am I, why is Dua Lipa texting me constantly?

What's that all about?

Yeah, lately it's a lot of Benny Blanco.

Yes, I'm obsessed with the name Benny Blanco.

I'm like, can someone get Benny Blanco off my ass?

And you'll be like, wait, what's going on?

And I'll say, he's blowing up my DMs.

I don't want to hang and I don't even go bowling.

I'm not kidding. Blanco off my ass.
And you'll be like, wait, what's going on? And I'll say, he's blowing up my DMs. I don't want to hang.
And I don't even go bowling. I don't even know where you would go bowling.
And so who would lie about that? Who with real things to worry about would lie about Selena Gomez's boyfriend or fiance? I was wondering who it was. Wanting to go.
You don't know who Benny Blanco is? Where have you been, man? Oh, come on, Matt. Get with it, bro.
I've been bowling with Skrillex. Skrillex.
Skrillex. Oh my God, Eduardo's laughing at you so hard.
Skrillex. Skrillex.
Oh God. Yeah.
He no longer dates Skrill. He's Skrill's ex.
Okay.

My point is. You know what?

My point is that I do want to get it out there

that I am sick and fucking tired of Benny Blanco

sliding into my DMs.

You know what?

You don't even.

Can I just say.

Does Benny Blanco even know who I am?

Because I get the sense he's really cool.

I don't think he does.

I don't know if he does.

He seems like a cool guy. And Selena Gomez seems like a really cool person.
They're a very cool couple. And now I'm obsessed with Benny Blanco reaching out to me.
And I don't think it's going to happen. I don't even know much about Benny Blanco.
If he does, would you try to like say cool things to him? Yes, I would. Okay.
I was just wondering if like- Okay, let's try it right now. You be Benny Blanco.
Hey, Conan, sup, bro? Hey, Benny Blanco. What's the score? Wait, he did write that email.
Hey, Benny Blanco. Hope you're doing well.
Could I have your personal information? Best regards, Conan O'Brien. Why are you saying Benny Blanco? Why don't you just say, hey, Benny, nice to hear from you.
We haven't been properly introduced yet. You're still Benny Blanco to me, Benny.
Then you said, what's the score? Yeah. Sorry.
OK. All right.
Why are you talking so weird, Conan? I'm just seeing what's up, man. My best regards to Selena.
She has conquered vocally music and she has done quite well in light comedy with Murders in the Building. Murders in the Building.
Hey, Conan, is this really Conan or is this a scam? Oh, you bet your booties, Blanco. This is the real McCoy.
Just wondering how you're doing. Maybe we could hang sometime.
Get the old brewski-a-rooney. Oh, brewski-a-rooney, huh? You know what? Actually, I'm busy.
I just wanted to check in and I heard you've been talking a lot about me, but I'm not sliding into your DMs. You're old.
I'm not that old, Benny Blanco. Hey, and someday you'll be my age and your hips will hurt.
Oh, God, I hope not. I won't ever get as old as you.
Well, few people have, Benny Blanco. Few people have.
I'm the rare human that's made it this far. Well, my best to you, Benny Blanco.

Yes.

Okay.

It was really good talking to you.

You'll never hear from me again, Conan.

See you in the clubs.

Oh, God.

Don't say clubs.

You won't see me in any of the clubs that you think that you would go to.

I don't know.

It's me, Skrillex.

Oh, God.

Let's go hang out with you.

Hey, look, it's Diplo.

Oh, my God.

Diplo?

Yeah. I saw his name on a billboard once, and I got obsessed.
Yeah. Diplo in Vegas.
And I was like, I don't know what he does. There's just a picture of a guy staring at me.
I want a piece of that. He's a DJ.
Okay, whatever. I know they're DJs because it's producer DJ.
Yeah. Oh, Jesus, Eduardo.
Oh, come on. Fuck you, Eduardo.
You've gone Eduardo, all I know, all I know is that when I see a billboard of a man scowling at me and just wearing no particular outfit, just a T-shirt and they're scowling at me and it's a name and it says Vegas. I know they're a DJ.
Yeah. But there's no it's what kind of show of show business is that? If, if Diplo or Benny Blanco or any DJ ever invited you to Vegas for one of their DJ sets, I know it's not your scene.
I'll go. You have to go.
I'll go. And you have to stand next to them in the booth.
Message to Benny Blanco, Diplo, Skrillex, Habnet, Jab Jab. Tiesto.
Tiesto. Ohiesto! Steve Aoki? Yeah, I mean, you just...
What's that? Pauly D. Pauly D.
Oh, DJ Pauly D. Pauly D.
Wait, Pauly D from Jersey Shore? That's Adam's favorite. Wait, they still don't know his last name? Pauly fucking Jersey over here, that's why.
Okay, so listen, let's wrap it up and let's summarize. Pauly D.
Tedesco. Tiesto.
What's that? Tiesto. Tiesto.
Chainsmokers, technically. Chainsmokers.
I mean, you name it, you got it. Porter Robinson.
Of course. I mean, I had that one written down before you even said it.
Wolfman Jack. Oh, no.
I want to hang with any of... Don't, don't, don't.
Wolfman Amadeus. So you're not too far off That's what he meant Listen, I am ready to hang with any DJ in Vegas if it gets me the street cred I need Because no one's going to see that coming Me standing next to them while they're DJing Whatever that is With a big hat because it's Vegas And you're probably outside and you're like fully covered.
I'm holding one of those incredibly giant liquors. What is it? Oh, a yard of beer? Yeah.
I thought you were going to say like an Asian parasol or something like that. I'm holding a geish's parasol in Vegas and holding a very moderately sized 0.0 Heineken.

Covered head to toe.

Ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch.

Hey, Diplo, there's Benny Blanco and Skrillex.

Boo!

All right, I'm signing off.

Oh, please end this.

Enjoy this segment.

Best regards.

Best regards, Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
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