Drainin’ Treys and Drivin' Holes

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Yeah.

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Okay, let's get started.

Hi, Lucas.

Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

Hi, Lucas.

Hey there, everybody.

Hi.

How are you?

Good.

How are you?

We're doing well.

Our friend Matt Gorley is not with us today.

He called in sick.

When?

Which means

probably at the mall,

scoping out the chicks.

I know what he does.

As he does.

As he does.

Okay, Lucas, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Where are you in the world right now?

I have no idea.

I am currently in Amsterdam.

Oh, okay.

Is Amsterdam where you're from?

Yes, it's also where I'm from.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

I love Amsterdam.

I was there many years ago.

I shot some travel stuff there in a whole other lifetime.

I believe in the 90s or early 2000s.

Really?

And I loved it.

I thought it was one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen.

And

really, I think it's absolutely gorgeous.

So good for you for living in Amsterdam.

And tell me a little bit about yourself, Lucas.

How old are you?

I am 26.

So I lived in Amsterdam with my girlfriend and my two cats.

I currently work as an IT consultant and I play basketball.

Okay.

Basketball.

That's that in a nutshell.

Okay, you say you play basketball.

You mean just as kind of a hobby or how serious are you about

Nowadays,

it's more of a hobby.

I used to play professional

a while back when I was still studying, but I could not combine work and professional basketball.

You played on what level did you play professional basketball?

The highest level in the Netherlands.

That's fantastic.

That's impressive.

Yeah, compared to the rest of the world, it's kind of meh, but it's all right here.

Can I say something, Lucas?

I don't like your attitude.

You're saying

all you have to do is say, I play professional basketball.

I played pro ball.

And then end the sentence there.

You don't have to mention in Amsterdam and for the Netherlands, it's okay,

but it's kind of meh everywhere else.

By that point, the woman that you were talking to at the bar has gone.

Okay?

You just say, I played professional basketball.

Yeah, but yeah, but I don't want to get want to let it get to my head.

So I want to keep myself grounded and keep myself home.

It could get to your head.

I think I would let it get to my head.

I would.

I think there's nothing wrong.

If I had played professional basketball for a day, it's all you'd ever hear about.

It's all you'd ever hear about.

It's true.

Were you any good?

You must have been pretty good.

Yeah, I did it for, I think,

five years.

yeah i was pretty good i was uh playing i was also playing here in amsterdam so i was having a good time a lot of traveling um

it was still when i was still in college so that was kind of rough like comparing uh

doing the studying stuff next to the basketball and combining that but it was uh it was a good time now uh let me ask you some stats about yourself how tall are you I'm 6'3 ⁇ .

Okay.

All right.

So I'm not that tall.

Again,

I mean, Lucas, we have have a lot of.

Compared to all our basketball players.

Compared to, yeah, guess what?

Compared to the sun, I don't generate much warmth.

I guess I'm a cold fish.

You've got to stop doing that, Lucas.

Okay, okay, okay.

All right.

You're 6'3, which is tall by just about any standard.

Okay.

You're a six-foot.

We're going to work on you, Lucas.

You're a 6'3 badass who played pro basketball.

Yeah.

And now you're an IT genius.

Okay.

Yeah.

You need some of this American swagger.

Here's what we do in America.

And I think you've probably noticed, we just say we're great at stuff.

Yes.

Even if we're not.

And a lot of times we don't know what we're doing, but we just say we've got it all covered.

And the rest of the world just shakes its head and goes, they're wrong, but whatevs.

You know what I'm saying?

Whatevs.

Yeah.

So

I think you should feel better about yourself, you know?

All right.

I'll take that attitude.

And you should start wearing a lot of chains.

Okay.

Don't you think?

That's an odd.

Yeah, okay.

Just chains.

Chains that say Lucas.

Why?

And I'm 6'3.

Okay.

You want him to wear his height on a necklace?

Yeah.

And I'm a badass.

I mean, I feel like people will know he's tall just by being around him.

You mentioned a girlfriend.

What's her story?

Yeah, so she also plays basketball.

She still plays basketball.

Pro.

Your girlfriend's a professional basketball player?

Yeah, she is.

That's fantastic.

Yeah, it's it's pretty it's pretty cool.

I met her through her brother.

I used to play with her brother on the team I used to play on.

So, what's her name?

I met her.

Sorry?

What's her name?

Zoe.

Okay.

So, Zoe, and how tall is Zoe?

6'1, I believe.

6'1?

Yeah.

You keep looking off to the side.

Is she in the room with you?

No, no, she's two rooms

apart.

Wow, this relationship is flourishing.

We live two rooms apart from one another.

What are you, a Mennonite?

Okay, well, all right.

But things, how long have you been going out for?

Seven years.

Oh, my goodness.

All right.

Wow.

Okay.

Things are getting serious.

And you're young, so you started dating when you were 11.

But you know what?

Again,

it's Amsterdam.

You guys are probably, you know, token on that bong.

Oh, boy.

Dating when you're 11.

So, no, no, no.

Those are just stereotypes about Amsterdam, which we don't indulge in anymore.

We know there's so much more to Amsterdam.

Well, I think this is all very impressive.

It's really cool.

I think that's pretty sweet that you guys are both basketball players.

Do you play ball with each other?

Not that often.

Sometimes when she needs a sparring buddy on practice, I go over there and we can play some basketball.

You give her a little, you play defense a little bit and try and keep her on her.

You know, that's good.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll try to make it I'll try to make her life a little bit tough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's good.

You live two rooms apart from each other and you try to make her life more difficult.

It's all adding up now.

This is this is the way.

Okay.

Well, I feel like you've got a pretty good life.

Are you done with basketball or do you want to continue with it?

No, I'm certainly,

I'm still currently playing.

So I quit pro basketball

and then I had two years of, well, not playing, and I just started playing again this season.

So,

um, yeah, I'm still but on a lower level, so I'm kind of relaxing.

Yeah, what's your strength as a player?

Ooh, I think

I'm one of those guys.

I think I'm a pretty good scorer.

Are you those guys that has like a killer outside shot?

Like, you can just

drain it, you can drain threes all day.

Buckets, yeah.

I'm doing the cool talk.

Can you just drain buckets all day?

I'm doing the cool talk.

It stopped when you said cool talk.

That's when it stopped being cool.

You just drain in trays

all day and all night.

Are you just raining down?

Is that what's happening with you?

Or are you a guy that drives?

Do you drive to the hole?

Because I'll tell you, that's what I did Monday.

Okay.

Ew.

What?

Yeah.

No, I meant drive towards the basket.

Oh, that's okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

I thought you meant something, you know.

No, no, no.

Vagina.

No, no.

Jesus Christ, no.

Right.

And that doesn't exclusively mean vagina.

Okay.

Okay.

There's another hole.

All right.

I'm just saying.

Oh, no.

I'm saying,

how dare you assume it's not anal?

That's very insulting.

Lucas, this has gone way off the rails.

And I think I blame Lucas.

Yeah, I blame Lucas, too.

Lucas, you know what?

As Americans, we blame you.

Yeah, Doritch.

You European.

You're not pulling your fair share.

Yeah, you piece of shit.

Hey, that was too far.

This guy can drain trays all day and drive to the hole, provided it's the right hole.

Lucas, I'm ashamed of myself.

I'm ashamed of my country.

I'm ashamed of my assistant, Sona.

This is just a mess.

Hey, easy on the water, okay?

That stuff ain't cheap.

He keeps pulping water.

No one ever said easy on the water.

Easy on the water there, pal.

I've always believed that your home should be an expression of who you are.

That was my mind.

I have that like tattooed on my low back.

Oh, wow.

I could have had so many things tattooed down there.

And that's what I chose.

Down there.

Yeah.

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Yeah, I know you.

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Yeah.

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Does Zoe know that you're talking to us right now?

Yes, she knows.

Does she approve or does she think this is a huge waste of your time?

No, she approves.

Okay.

She approves.

Okay, good.

She was pretty high for me.

Does she like Conan?

Does she know who he is?

Yeah, yeah, she knows who he is.

She likes him.

Hey.

Yeah.

There you go.

I mean, who wouldn't?

You know?

Sorry.

International.

International star.

She's just two rooms over instead of like outside excited.

So I just thought maybe she was just

ambivalent.

They didn't even have that room.

She rented that room when she heard that Lucas was going to be talking to me.

She's paying a lot of money right now to stay away.

Lucas, is there any way that I can help you?

I like to help people, and you seem like a nice guy, and I'd like to help you in any way I can.

Yeah, sure.

So we were on the topic of basketball, and you were saying like those

interesting phrases with like driving to the hole and that kind of stuff.

So I'm in a team with a lot of introverts, and I think,

and i'm also kind of introverted but but when i'm on the court i can get more vocal but um i think you could help me and maybe my team through me um be

more of a trash talking team oh yeah oh you're you came to the right guy yeah i'll tell you a true story lucas uh i used to play

a lot of basketball with just kids in the neighborhood.

There was a hoop.

There was a school across the street.

There was a hoop there.

And so my brother and his friends would get together and a bunch of us would play.

And my sister Kate would come over and play.

She's a good athlete.

And we would have these games, these just pickup games in the neighborhood.

And I spent all my time describing who my character was.

I would stop the game and describe who my character was, how he had done time in prison for murdering a fan in the stands, but got off on a technicality.

I would go on and on and on.

Then I would talk constantly.

When they would pass me the ball, I would start talking as my character.

And it was so,

I mean, occasionally people would be laughing, but a lot of times they were just annoyed and frustrated.

And so all I did was talk.

So, yes, you came to the right place.

I swear I could teach you guys to trash talk.

I would be so good at it.

That would be great.

I could, because I really don't.

Go ahead.

I was about to ask, did that trash talk open up anything in the game for you?

No, it in no way helped my game.

It in no way helped my game because there were long periods of time where I'm holding the ball, not moving and not trying to score or pass, but just monologuing

as my character, Nikki Fiss.

Nikki Fiss was actually one of them.

Nikki, his name was Nikki Fist, P-H-I-S-S.

And he had done time in prison for attacking an old woman in the stands, and she had died, and he had gone to prison for manslaughter, but then got out on a technicality.

That is a real story.

And I remember my brother Luke holding his head in his hands saying, Can you just pass the ball?

And I would be the announcer.

This is Nikki's first time since being let out of prison on a technicality, may I remind you?

Nikki Fist murdered a 72-year-old fan

in the stands.

We have tape of it now.

We'll go to it now.

And they were just begging me to play.

So

I will make your team more vocal.

I will make your team great trash talkers.

Will you be better at basketball?

No.

Will you be worse?

Yes.

This will not help your game.

Okay, that sounds like a good deal.

What about physically?

Is there any way I can help you physically to train or anything like that?

I'm a very physical man.

I am 6'4,

uh and uh i have a very impressive physicality in person i know it doesn't come across on screen shut up everyone who's here just shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up in person i have a very uh a physical aura how can i help you in that area

well um

maybe i mean um i've to

this This is not a good way to start this story, but I've completely given up on gaining weight, even though I think I still should gain some weight, just to like throw people around a bit more.

I should be able to see that.

I don't say I'm super skinny, but yeah, I'm on the

I'm more on the leaner side.

How much do you weigh?

And if you use kilos, I'm going to fucking lose it.

I want pounds

because

we are the dominant empire right now.

How much do you weigh?

I don't know how to convert this.

Well, we can convert it.

How many

kilos?

I think I'm about 85 kilos or now or something.

Okay.

187 pounds.

Wow.

187 pounds.

Okay.

6'3.

You know what?

We're not far off because I'm 6'4, about 191, something like that, 192, somewhere in that neighborhood.

Of course, mostly muscle.

That weighs more.

Oh, God.

I do this when I'm lying.

I never did anything wrong.

I have no lust in my heart.

Oh, my God.

Okay, quiet.

Man can look, can't he?

Anyway,

you want to bulk up, right?

You don't want to just put on weight because if you want to just put on weight, I would say drink liquid ice cream.

Literally, I've heard actors say that.

You just buy ice cream, you leave it out so it becomes a liquid, and you just ingest as much of it as you can.

But that's how actors put on flab, but you want to put on muscle, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well,

I used to like before, like, like I told, I had an intermission between the basketball season.

So I didn't play for two years and I went to the gym more often and I gained more

weight and more muscle.

But once I started playing again, I basically didn't go anymore.

And how does Zoe feel about this?

Is Zoe content with Lucas right now?

Lucas, who...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she is.

She's not complaining, right?

No.

She's not saying you're not man enough.

I want more muscle mass.

No,

not that I'm aware of.

No.

Well, she's been calling us.

We get some calls from Zoe.

Can you talk to him?

Can you set it up?

Okay.

I would say if you want to put on weight quickly, and this is my advice for not just you, but anyone in Amsterdam, in fact, anyone in Europe, I would say move to America.

Live here for six months.

And you will put on a ton of weight.

And you won't even know what happened.

But that seems to be,

that's just the American way.

It's our garbage food.

Yeah.

Just live, just live here and you will gain weight.

So that's what I would say is move here.

Now, it's not going to be muscle.

It's not going to be lean muscle mass, but you will put on, you'll go back to Amsterdam.

You will weigh 240 pounds.

And you'll have had three knee replacements and you'll still be only 26 years old.

How many kilos?

108 kilos.

108 kilos.

You'll weigh 108 kilos.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What kind of car?

Do you have a car or do you drive around on a bicycle?

I got a bicycle.

I knew it.

Do you ever go la la la la la when you're on your bicycle?

That's all we do.

Because when I was in Amsterdam, true story, I was standing on a bridge and two beautiful girls, literally two of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen that were wearing plaid skirts, drove by together on one bicycle.

Not a bicycle built for two.

One girl and another girl, like, you know, and these women were, I want to say they were like 19, 20.

They were, one was sitting on in front of the other, like straddling the front of the bike, and the other was behind.

And they rode by and they rang the bell and they were going, la la la la la la la la la.

And I thought, this is Amsterdam.

La la la la la la la.

We live in Amsterdam.

Ding, ding.

If you do that for two seconds in LA, you'll be beaten with a pipe.

Can you imagine if I got on the 405 freeway?

Ding, ding, ding, la la la, la, la, la, la.

Three gunshots out the window.

Lucas,

I admire you.

You seem like a very nice guy.

I think you need to project a little more confidence.

You're an impressive person.

I think you're a little hard on yourself.

I'm very happy that you and Zoe have found each other.

I hope someday you spend some time in the same room.

I aspire for that for you.

I hope someday she moves to the room that you're actually in.

But this seems to be working for you guys now.

And it's been an honor.

It's been an honor talking to you.

Well, thank you for having me.

I'll phone to Zoe and see if we can arrange something in the future.

Yes.

Why don't you write Zoe a letter?

And then I want it to go through the postal service, okay?

And then be delivered to her door probably within a week by a mailman who'll be singing la la la la la

on a bicycle.

Well, Lucas, so cool talking to you, and I hope our paths cross someday.

That'd be fun.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

Thank you for having me.

Yeah, take care.

Cool to thank you.

Thank you, Conan.

Thank you, Sona.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian, and Matt Gorley.

Produced by me, Matt Gorley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blair.

Associate Talent Producer Jennifer Samples.

Associate Producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm.

Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

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