Carol Leifer

Three couples, four vacations, a lot to unpack.

Watch The Four Seasons, a new series starring our comedy favorites,

Tina Fey, Steve Carell, Coleman Domingo, Will Forte, and more,

in a hilarious and heartfelt love letter to long-term relationships.

Based on the original Alan Alda film,

watch The Four Seasons, May 1st, only on Netflix. There's a lot to say when buying a new home or car, but only one thing to say that can help you protect them.
Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Hear me? I did.
I heard you. And just like that, a State Farm agent will be there to help you choose the coverage you need.

You just say that and they show up.

They come jumping out of a shrub.

Oh, cool.

No matter where you are in life, when you need the coverage options,

your State Farm agent is there to help on the phone or in person like a good neighbor.

State Farm is there.

Hi, my name is Carol Liefer. And I feel fresh about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
Fresh? It's new, it's fresh. It's new, it's fresh.
Yes. Fall is here, hear the yell.
Back Needs a Friend and joined by two of my friends, my good friends, contractually. Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley.
Contractually. No, it's in the contracts.
True. And I'm going through a little bit of an unusual moment right now, which is my wife is out of town.
And my kids are away. They're in school.
I am living alone in the house with my two dogs and my daughter's cat or our two dogs and my daughter's cat. And it's just becoming clear to me that I don't know very basic things like how to feed myself.
And I don't cook. And, you know, I'm just really.
And you can't use like a delivery app, can you probably, right? Well, you know what? In the past, I used to like call my son and say, can you get me a hamburger? And he would do it. I am using a delivery app.
But I won't mention which one it is unless they give us some money.

Yeah.

But anyway.

I know which one because I get the email confirmation.

You get the email confirmation?

I do.

Do you know what he's eating?

So I try not to check.

I want to give you some privacy,

but then I do anyway.

What do you mean?

That's so weird that you know what I'm eating.

I know.

But have you noticed that lately?

So I'm at home alone. Robbers, I'm at home alone.
Oh, was Liza protecting you? She was. Liza's a badass ninja.
But I'm realizing, like, Liza is so, I mean, amazing in a lot of ways, but when you, I don't even notice it, but I come in the door and she just, she's cooking, there's food, there's, or if we are ordering, she's ordered it, it's all, you know what I mean? Yeah. And I've become, I've reverted back to when I was a comedy writer in the 1980s, and I was just on my own, and I would be coming.
I just ate fast food.

This is before delivery.

Sometimes I wouldn't eat for a long time because I mean, I'm I'm stupid.

I'm to it.

I'm a 19 year old boy in a lot of ways.

And no, yeah, I am. And so my wife is away for the time being,

and I'm stunned that I'll,

and I'm not joking,

I, last night,

I was just hanging around the house.

I had fed the,

I can feed the dogs

because they have dogs.

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

So I fed the dogs.

Nice.

But not the cats?

Took care of the cat.

No, the cat can fend for itself.

The cat has its own app. No, I, you know, I took care of the cat.
No, the cat can fend for itself. The cat has its own app.

No, I took care of the cat.

Everything's fine with them.

I can take care of them.

And then I opened the refrigerator

and because of the fires,

we're starting fresh with all our food.

Like, you know, we weren't in our house for a long time

and a lot of the food had to be thrown out.

So there's very little in the refrigerator.

And I opened the refrigerator

and there's like two of like chocolate milk

Thank you. like, you know, we weren't in our house for a long time and a lot of the food had to be thrown out.
So there's very little in the refrigerator. And I opened the refrigerator and there's like two of like chocolate milk energy drinks.
And I just had one of those and then tried to pretend that was dinner. And that was at like four o'clock in the afternoon.
And I was like, well, that should do it. And then a couple hours later, I'm like, huh, I don't think that does it.
And then I took some almond butter and I put it on a piece of bread. And then I thought, I think jelly goes with this, doesn't it? This is stuff five-year-olds know.
And then I had that, but it wasn't even a sandwich. I just rolled one piece of bread into a taco and ate that standing up.
I mean, it's just, I'm over 60 years old. I've had some accomplishments in my life.
And then I went back and then I'm going through the app. Like I do know I'm looking at the app and there's just so many, so many choices.
I don't know what to do. And then I start to think, well, there's one more of those energy drinks.
The one I had before. I get it.
And I had that again. So I had two energy drinks.
Can you cook anything? No. Really? There's nothing? No, you know what I can do? I can do breakfast.
Okay, so when you wake up, you don't do breakfast? No, I can make breakfast. Yeah.
I can make breakfast. Yes, you've said that three times.
I can make. Your honor, I wish to state that I can feed myself at breakfast.
Lunch is a little easier. Oh, boy, did I do something.
Okay, so yesterday, I stayed home yesterday. So I was at home the whole day myself and I didn't have any breakfast.

I don't know why.

And again, I'm rattling around the house.

I'm playing with the dogs.

I'm walking them.

And then I drove around in my pickup truck

and I went and I parked on the street

and I'm walking down the street and I see an Erewhon

and I go in and I wait in the line

and then I look at the smoothies and I panic and get the only smoothie I know which is the Haley Bieber smoothie. Made an appearance on this podcast before.
Yes and so I said I didn't want to say I'll have the Haley Bieber smoothie so I went I'll have that raspberry one and the guy was like the Haley Bieber smoothie and I went the raspberry one and he went you want the Haley Bieber skin exfoliating. This is like when you have to buy tampons for your wife.
Yeah, exactly. Is that what you want? The one that makes your skin glow so that Justin Bieber loves you even more? And I went, I'll just have the raspberry one.
And then he said, what name? And I was about to use a different name. And I went, nope, don't do that.
That's stupid. I just said Conan.
So then I wait near the thing and then they went, Cohan, Cohan. And I'm like, I just hosted the Oscars.
It's Conan and I want the Hailey Bieber smoothie. They didn't get her name wrong.
No. And it said Cohan, C-O-H-A-N on it.
And then I went and I sat alone at this little table. And it's the most embarrassing looking smoothie you've ever seen because it's got little swirls of red.
And then there's like a creamy swirl. And I sat there and I'm like, shlurp, shlurp, shlurp, shlurp, shlurp.
Why did you slip it there? Because I panicked and I sat. And there's a big picture window and bang, bang, bang against the window.
And I look out and there's a guy, like a fan goes, gives me the big thumbs up. And I have the straw in my lips and I'm going, and I gave a thumbs up back.
And then another fan, bang, bang, bang, bang. And I gave the okay sign.
sign they're all running home I saw Conan eating the Haley Bieber skin exfoliating nature giving ovulation smoothie I know I mean I swear to God I'm not gonna last please can someone someone find out where I live come into the house and for me yeah we're just gonna bring you Hayley Bieber smoothies I know I'm gonna go get like a blood test and they're gonna say your body is just they're gonna look up and go from the microscope and go have you been just living off of Hayley Bieber smoothies because I'm her doctor and you have the exact same yes DNA makeup yeah your skin looks amazing. Sir, you have breasts now.
You're leaving. I leave with a training bra.
My lips are all plump. Suddenly people are saying, you should model.
All right. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and writer.
I hope she can cook for me.

Now I'm just going to start booking people who I hope will cook for me,

who has worked on such shows as Seinfeld, Hacks, and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Good God, she's worked on so many great shows.

Now she has a new book, How to Write a Funny Speech for a Wedding Bar Mitzvah Graduation and Every Other Event You Didn't Want to Go to in the First Place.

Thrilled she's here today. Carol Leifer, welcome.
We have crossed paths many times, but never had a chance to sit down. And this is a treat for me because I've wanted to talk to you.
And this is our opportunity right now. It is.
Because we've worked side by side. We just did the Oscars together.
You're a writer on the Oscars. I was hosting the Oscars.
And yet there's all this running around and we keep passing each other in the hallway. So it's nice to sit down because you have, in my opinion, one of the best careers of any comedy writer I can imagine.

Wow.

High praise.

I mean, think about it.

Think about this.

I'm explaining it to you as if you've lost your memory in an accident.

I'm a doctor that's come in, and I'm telling you, your name is Carol Liefer.

You've written on Seinfeld, Hacks, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Modern Family,

Saturday Night Live, The Larry Sanders Show, and 10 Academy Award shows. Yes.
That's insanity. Yeah.
Oh, and you're leaving out the Colgate Comedy Hour. Yes.
You killed it in 1952. Thank you.
Thank you very much. You were a fetus when you wrote for that show.
There's so much to talk about because there's the world of comedy writing, but what I want to start with is you come from the world of stand-up 1970s, and I've talked to people like Susie Essman about what it was like in those early days to be a woman who's trying to do stand-up comedy in the 1970s. Yes.
It was, I would guess, not easy. Not an easy thing to crack.

You know what? It was actually quite the opposite because there were not many women, and I always thought that was a tremendous advantage because, you know, I always talk about the 70s stand-up. They were looking for comedians.
But it's really true. So when I started, there were like four or five women comics.

You know, Rita Rudner was of my generation and um they wanted women comics and i always felt i got so much support from the guy comics i mean oh good yeah a lot of people thought it was a little rough and tumble and all that but um i got so much support so i found it to be advantaged i mean what was obnoxious was way back then they wouldn't put on two women um following each other it was like it had to be separated like we'll have the singer then the ventriloquist then a woman then the monkey act then maybe another woman you're a novelty it's like yeah it's like someone who can separate both shoulders. Right, the contortionist, then a woman.
Another oddity that represents 50% of the population and is responsible for the continuation of our species. One of those things.
It's so weird. I could follow a bearded woman.
Yes. I've been mistaken for a bearded woman.
It's so interesting to me because you get started in this time. And the thing that always fascinates me is what's the impetus? What makes Carol Leifer as a young woman decide, I'm going to go swim upstream against the current and get into this profession? I mean, it's strange enough in those days when a man decides to do it, but where did you come from? What made you want to do this? Well, I think, you know, as always wanting to be a performer, you know, like most people's greatest fear is speaking in front of large groups of people.
Most performers fear, fear is not speaking in front of people. Right.
You know what I mean? You had it in you. You were, you were, you wanted to be in front of those people.
I did. I did.
And what I liked about stand-up was anybody can do it.

You know, I was going to school at Binghamton.

Paul Reiser was in my theater group.

And he told me, you know, like one day, you know, during the summers, I go to these comedy

clubs on audition night and I perform.

And comedy clubs were so new then, you know.

So when he was talking about clubs,

I was like, this guy goes to clubs?

What is he, like Vic Damone?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Performing at these places?

He was like, anybody can go on.

So I always loved that about it.

And I still love that about stand-up.

It's like, you want to go on?

It's not like an actor where you have to audition and, you know.

Right, or a musician where you need to have your tuba with you. Yes you can just walk in you can be somewhere you can go up and you can do a set exactly and the first time i went on on my first audition i you know it's also something about being young and having a lot of balls that you don't have later on in life um you have more to lose later in life, I've noticed.
Yes, yes. That I completely agree with what you're saying.
There's a period in my life where I had a $380 a month apartment. I had a beat up 1973 Plymouth Valiant and I'd do anything.
I'd do anything. I sold my body for sex and enjoyed it and often would yeah win-win yeah win-win okay i wouldn't even take the money afterwards uh but um yes i know exactly what you're talking about so i went on audition night my first audition night i like killed it was amazing and i thought like oh my god this is not only so great, it's so easy.
Like,

I'll be on Johnny Carson next week. It's amazing.
It wasn't until the second time that I went on that I completely bombed. Like so bad that I invited friends from college to come see me because I was like, oh, I'm doing great.
And I had a tape recorder on the table and you can actually hear my friend in the middle of my set going,

Oh.

Just and you can actually and I had a tape recorder on the table and you can actually hear my friend

in the middle of my set going oh muttering how horrible it was going over so then I saw like to be a stand-up comedian it takes some work you have good nights you have bad nights there are a lot of factors that go into it who you follow, what time of the night you go on, how inebriated the crowd is. So you have to learn to negotiate all that.
You talked about Carson. I know your real break came with Letterman.
Letterman show, which was such an influence on me. I think I'm 17 or 18 when he does the morning show

and then he switches over to the late night show.

So I'm maybe 19 years old when he starts the late night show.

And comedy is my religion as a 19-year-old.

And so I become a total acolyte.

And I'm looking at David Letterman saying,

oh, this person's showing me the way.

He would, you knew Dave. I didn't.
You didn't know Dave. No, no.
In 1980, kids, I was in a contest called the big, the New York Laugh-Off. And it was a contest, you know, of comedians.
You know, that's so funny to me today. It's like, back then, that's how you got exposure.
You were in contests. And it aired on Showtime.
And Letterman saw that and recommended me to The Tonight Show for that. And then The Tonight Show saw my big laugh off set and they passed.
So then when Dave got his show, they just reached out and said, would you like to be on? And he put you on a bunch of times. Yeah, I was on 25 times.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And they gave me an open door.
It was like, whenever you have a new set, come on, which was amazing. It is such an interesting thing.
There's such a, almost like a lemmings or sheep kind of mentality where people don't think you're the real McCoy. But once you've been on a show

and there's tape of you

and there's a famous host saying,

ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Carol Leifer.

Suddenly they're like,

oh, right.

Yeah.

You're one of them.

Well, you were one of them before.

It's a magical thing.

But not really until you go on TV.

I mean, to this day, my first appearance on Letterman is like one of my the best days of my life yeah because like suddenly you're not just you know kind of in it you're really in it yeah yeah also it was a different era than today i mean i talk about this a lot and when i talk about it my kids, I sound like an old wizard telling people about the beginning of how Earth formed. It was so different that my dad bought a VCR to tape me.
You know, at the time it was like $1,000. Oh, wow.
Right, right. Well, they were made of gold.
The only VCRs were all gold. They were made by Rolex.
Then they got into the watch business. But one of the things that was interesting too is I've talked to people from that era, you know, ahead of you, but they were like, you know, Steve Martin or comedians of that generation, they would say they would go on Johnny Carson's show.
And the next day they would walk down the street and car, people were shouting out of cars yes half the country watched you know it was the equivalent of being on the super bowl except it happened every night yeah because there was literally one late night show and i remember when there was you know there's there's carson and then letterman after carson and occasionally there'd be another show that they would put up but it wouldn't last last that long. Yeah.
Who is Merv Griffin during the day? Yeah, during the daytime. But who was watching TV during the daytime? I wasn't.
So to me, it was if something happened, I mean, I remembered when David Byrne, for The Talking Heads, Dave Letterman interviewed David Byrne, and everybody I talked to the next day, because we were all in college. Right.
We had all seen it. Yeah.
It was a time when we were all gathered around the same campfire. Mm-hmm.
There was a magic to that. Yeah.
Which gave you this legitimacy and power. The Freddie Prinze story.
He did, I think, like one appearance, and then he got like Chico and the Man the next day. Got his own series.
Right. Right.
Yeah. And he was very young.
He was like 20 or 19 or 20. Yeah, but it was definitely like a star maker.
Yes. I know that you have a successful standup career, but then you have this pedigree as a writer, which is just off the charts.
When do you start to realize, okay, I love standup, I love doing-up, but I want to be in that room. I want to be in the writer's room.
Well, I got my break to write on SNL. This is...
What year? What year would that be? 85 to 86. Okay.
What is affectionately or disaffectionately called the weird year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, with the strange cast, Robert Downey Jr., Randy Quaid, but Al Franken. Anthony Michael Hall.
Yeah, yeah. Al Franken and Jim Downey came to the comic strip to audition comics.
And they saw me and they said, would you like to, you know, we'd like you and we'd like to see if you want to write on the show. I was like, absolutely.
They said, oh, you just have to meet Lauren. So I was like, all set for this meeting and had all my answers prepared, you know, for like a serious sit down business meeting.
It was literally, he was auditioning people, Lauren, at this rehearsal space. He came out for two seconds and he said to me, oh, I don't do a good Lauren.
You know, Jim and Elsa, you're very good., you know, sometimes you have to stay up late at the show. I was like, yeah.
He went, okay, thanks. That was my big interview.
Wow. But you passed.
I guess so. Yeah.
Like, if I had said, I really don't like staying up. I like to be in bed by 8 o'clock.
Yeah, that's going to interfere with my routine. And so I wrote that year and I really enjoyed it, but I really wanted to go back to stand up.
So I did. But then, strangely, out of the blue in 93, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld called me together.
So I knew at that time there was something odd about that because I would talk to each of them separately on a landline, but calling me together seemed weird. They were in one spot.
It's like a prank. Yeah, and they were like, you know, do you want to ride for Seinfeld? And I was like, yeah.
You know, it was great because my inexperience is the thing that got me the job because they, you know, didn't want people who'd written on sitcoms before because as Larry referred to it, you know, they were poisoned by the system. We drink so much water every day and it's just water and I'm like, hello, boring.
There's got to be a way to make water more exciting. Well, guess what? Someone cracked it with authentic flavors and lively carbonation.
Waterloo sparkling waters bring full flavor artistry. Blay, you're drinking one right now.
Drinking one right now. I got the raspberry nectarine, and it is tasty.
It's very good. Very tasty.
Everyone here in the office has been enjoying them. They're excellent.
They are delicious. And you know, you say, what's flavor artistry? Some people think, oh, you're just talking a lot of high-class nonsense.
No, it's about custom crafting multi-sensorial flavor experiences of aroma, taste, and mouthfeel that make you say, wow. Wow to that sentence.
Waterloo waters are crafted, not formulated or off the shelf,

just purified sparkling water

and non-GMO project

verified natural flavors,

which I insist on.

Me too.

With zero calories,

sugars or sweeteners.

I drink water constantly.

I just had a couple

of glasses of water

and it was just

regular water upstairs

and I regret that time.

It's boring.

You'll never get that back.

I'll never get that time back.

Three full glasses of water.

I wish it was Waterloo

and I could have had,

what did you have?

Raspberry,

you know what?

What's that one?

Cracking open a peach

Thank you. It's boring.
You'll never get that back. I'll never get that time back.
Three full glasses of water. I wish it was Waterloo.
And I could have had, what did you have? Raspberry? You know what? What's that one? Cracking open a peach right now. Okay, well, you could have offered that to me.
You just ate a second when I haven't had one. Oh, sorry.
Nice. Thanks a lot.
I'm so thirsty. Were you working tomorrow? Give Waterloo Sparkling Water a try.
Look for Waterloo Sparkling Water next time you shop. Learn more about the flavors from Waterloo Sparkling Water at drinkwaterloo.com.
I went to a party recently. It was a rager by my friend Rodman.
Yeah, yeah. He had the tunes bumping.
It was really fun and it was special to me because when you get together with good friends, good chums, amigos, pals from the past, celebrating important occasions means more moments with the coolest people in your life. For me's got to be rodman so many cool people so many cool just like yeah so cool i do i love the coolest friends cheers to 50 years of miller light the greatest tasting light beer for people who love beer since 1975 yeah you know what i say what i say it's miller time i do it's the 50th of Miller Lite.
Did you know that? I didn't. So many times, whether I've been out at sea.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
You know, on someone's yacht and I'll crack open a Miller Lite or whether I'm scaling a volcano. Oh, yeah.
It's about to erupt because that's the best time to see a volcano when you can feel the tremors and I crack open a Miller Lite. Miller Lite! That's what I'm talking about.
It's great taste. It's 96 calories.
And I did a study myself. It is 96 calories.
Go to MillerLite.com slash Conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. It's Miller time.
Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. The best B2B marketing gets wasted on the wrong people.
This makes me nuts, Blay. Yes, me too.
Have you ever been served an ad that wasn't intended for you? All the time. You know, for a while I kept getting ads for expensive pots and guess what? I don't cook.
I have never cooked anything.

I once tried to just boil some ramen, and guess what happened?

There was an explosion, and three buildings were destroyed.

Oh, my God.

So when you want to reach this, that ad should never have gone to me for a special pot.

It's a lot of buildings.

Yeah, a lot of buildings went, and I had to flee the country for a while. When you want to reach the right professionals, use LinkedIn ads.
LinkedIn has grown to a network of over 1 billion professionals. That's where it stands apart from other ad buyers.
Have they got a billion? I don't think so, buddy boy. You can target your buyers by job title, industry company, role, seniority skills, company revenue, all the professionals you need to reach in one place.
So do me a favor,

stop wasting budget on the wrong audience. Come on, get your head in the game.
Start targeting

the right professionals only on LinkedIn ads. LinkedIn will even give you a $100 credit on

your next campaign so you can try it yourself. Just go to linkedin.com slash team Coco.
That's

linkedin.com slash team Coco. Terms and conditions apply only on LinkedIn ads.
What was your first writing job? It was not necessarily the news. Oh, wow.
And a woman named Pat Lee gave me. I know of her, yes.
Yeah, she hired Greg and I. We got us into the Guild.
It was our first show. And we work like maniacs.
And I have such clear memories. And I'm always passing Sunset Gower Studios.
And I always have the same flashback to Greg and I. We took an overnight flight.
It was cheap. It was, I think, called People Express, where you could fly.
I remember that. people express the airline of china yeah people people express was a literally uh you could for like 40 you could fly across the i mean something insane and um obviously it was a whole other world before 9-11 uh you i mean you just would buy your ticket at the counter.
You'd get on the plane, no frills. We flew overnight.
I remember my writing partner, Greg Daniels, put a blanket over his head to try and go to sleep because the seats didn't go back. So he was sitting upright.
He looked like a bad kid's ghost sitting next to me. And we landed, we got this really cheap rental car and we drove to Sunset Gower Studios and walked in and said we're here to work for television I have acne and that's where it started but it was a show that at least had it was pre-tapes and it wasn't we weren't writing for characters and it wasn't all these shows that I really despised.

It was sketch comedy that I thought, okay, this is respectable. We can do this with an eye towards hoping to get a job with Letterman, which didn't work out.
But it was, so you get this call. Yeah.
And to work for Seinfeld and you write an episode that coincidentally, I've been, we were displaced by the fire.

Our house is okay. And to work for Seinfeld and you write an episode that coincidentally, I've been, we were displaced by the fire.

Our house is okay, but it has to be de-smoked, de-detoxed.

And so my wife and I have been living in this little apartment, kind of rental apartment with a kitchenette at the hotel.

You're at the Oakwood, aren't you?

Yeah, a great place to meet a single pregnant woman who's going through a bad divorce. But every night we don't have our regular television.
We don't have Apple TV or Mac or anything. So we're just coming through and we always land on Seinfeld.
Oh, nice. And we watch Seinfeld and I watched your Rye episode.
Ah, yes. Marble Rye.
Three nights ago, I watched the Marble Rye episode. Remembered that you had written that episode, which is one of my favorites.
Oh, thank you. If you don't recall, I think it's George's fiance.
Mm-hmm. George Costanza is going over to eat with the fiance and he brings his parents who of course humiliate him, you know, the great Jerry Stiller and the actress, I can't remember the actress's name.
Estelle Harris. Estelle Harris.
And they come over and they're just, they bring a marble rye and then they notice that these waspy parents of their future in-law don't eat the marble rye. So Jerry Stiller takes it back.
And then that couple realizes, the Waspie couple realizes that the marble rye has been taken back. And they're enraged.
And then the whole episode is about how do we get the rye back into the apartment, which is a great, great idea for an episode. Where did you get that idea? It was crazy because, you know, a lot of times people come up to you when you write on a hit show like that and they're like, something really funny happened to me.
And you're like, oh boy, here we go. You know, and it's like, Betty's egg salad was in the fridge at work and somebody took it, you know, and it's like, oh boy, here we go.
But a friend of mine from high school was like, I had the funniest thing happen. This couple came over and brought a bread.
We didn't put it out and they wanted to take it back. And I knew when I went in to Larry's office, Larry and Jerry, you would pitch to them one-on-one.
If Larry liked an idea, he would get so ecstatic. You know what I mean? When I pitched that, he was like, I love it, I love it, we're doing that.
Yeah, we're doing that. And he would be like that about certain ideas, you know? Like Elaine thinks the Korean manicurist are talking about her behind her back in Korean.
Like, yes, yes, you know? He knew, it's like he had a divining ride. Like, yes, there's water there.
I know there's water there. Exactly.
You know, conversely, if you pitched, and this is a lot of times, ideas that he they didn't like, he would kind of do this thing with his arm and go, yeah, I don't know. That's called angina.
He was having a heart attack. Yeah.
You know, or he would, you know the biggest put down was i could i could see that on another show yeah but um and then when you have an idea like you like like that in thinking about it i was also thinking about kramer and loving costco because i loved costco still do um yeah you can get so much of something yes and that he bought so much beefaroni yeah um that he started feeding it to his handsome cab horse yes which eventually gave him a lot of flatulence yes yes um ruining the night out for this this couple. By the way, there's a lot of genius behind the show Seinfeld, but I always thought the casting was impeccable, not just of the main characters, but of the smaller characters.
And I went out of my way because every time George's fiancé's parents are on the show, they're spectacular. They are.
So I looked them up. It's Grace Zabriskic and Warren Frost.
And I just wanted to give a shout out to the universe. They're two of the character acting they do on that episode and other episodes as well.
The one where the cabin burns down, is they're impeccable. Yeah.
They're fantastic. Really, really great.
Like, you know, just unbelievable. Yeah.
The guest casting was amazing. And what was great about them as bosses for the writers was you could be involved in every step of the process.
You know, you're involved in casting. And, you know, now that I work on shows, people send in tapes, which is horrible.
You know, it's so great when people would walk in the room and they go, hey, where's the hot seat? You know, and they'd sit down and you get a vibe off of them. And you could also see how nervous they were in front of people instead of self-taping at home.
But you'd be part of the casting. You'd be part of everything.
So editing and all that. And a lot of times writers don't have that opportunity on shows.
So that was really great. And to cast these smaller roles and people that just took off, you know.
And even like the regulars, like the tennis episode i did with um marley matlin the lib reader yeah you know it's like what are the four stories going to be you know and you know for kramer for that you have a tennis episode well he's got to be a ball boy yeah and then you know that's going to be funny you know we called, you know, he was rehearsing. You know, Michael would rehearse these physical things over and over.
People just thought he just did it automatically. He would really rehearse it.
And, you know, he just rehearsed as a ball man the entire week. You work on a show like that, I think it's an immersive experience.
I thought, I've said the same thing about Saturday Night Live, where you're not just a writer. There's the old idea of the writers are off in a separate building.
Yeah. And there's no light.
The shades are drawn. They're just in there coming up with this, and they're treated sort of with contempt.
And then the scripts come out, and then the director, the producers, the actors make it, and no one ever goes near the writer's building. And I always thought a great gift that Lauren gave all of us was, even if you had only been working there for a week, and it sounds like the same thing that Larry and Jerry would do, which is, no, you're in charge of everything.
If it's your sketch or if it's your episode, you're in on the whole thing, which opens you to the world of casting, props, when should we see things, how should we see things, maybe go talk to the director.

Yeah.

Make sure you don't cross any lines, do it tactfully, but you're in charge of the whole thing because it's your baby.

Yeah.

And that invests you with great sense of responsibility.

You try so much harder.

Exactly. Because also, you know, your ass is on the line if something goes off.
So you do have that sense of responsibility with an episode, which is great. You know, the saddest thing to me is that I'm a big collector.
So I took the, we couldn't use Beefaroni for some reason. It's Beefarino.
Yes. Yeah.
They made us change the name. So I had the can that the prop guy came up with for Beefarino.
And I had it in my apartment on Flores in West Hollywood. And then when I moved, I forgot to take it, move it away.
And the guys thought it was just an empty can and they tossed it. I know.

Yeah.

It's the fact that I'm here today.

I mean, it's not the snow globe from Citizen Kane, but it's close.

The beef for Reno can.

You know, someone's going to find it.

And it's going to go as long after you and I are gone.

Someone's going to find it's going to be auctioned off for like $600,000.

Oh, come on.

More than that.

Thank you. You know, someone's going to find it.
I know. As long after you and I are gone, someone's going to find it's going to be auctioned off

for like $600,000.

Oh, come on.

More than that.

Okay.

All right.

I mean, it's the future.

Well, you're right.

Before we move on to other shows you've worked on,

I have to ask you,

I know that you were the comedian

who opened for Frank Sinatra.

Yes.

I have to ask you about that.

Yeah.

And this is 1989.

Yeah.

So I must know. you about that.
Yeah. And this is 1989.
Yeah. So I must know.
Crazy, crazy story. All right.
So in 1989, I'm getting some gigs. Things are good.
I run into this agent who's supposed to be, you know, big time at the time. He's like, you know, Carol, I think you could be doing even better.
Why don't you

come to my office, write down the gigs you have, have had, and how much you got, and we'll go over

it. All right.
So I wrote them down. I came to his office.
And right away, looking at the list,

he was like, you got this at Sir Laugh-a-Lots? Oh, that's a joke. You know, you made this much

at the Chuckle Hut? No, that's pathetic. So he you got you made this much at the chuckle hut no that's pathetic

so he said great names though so he said why don't you you know sign with me i was like okay great so we start working together and things are you know time is passing by i'm literally working at ground round restaurants doing comedy nights there.

Yeah.

Where you can't even be heard

because people are the sound of peanut shells crunching on the floor.

Yeah.

You could not even get over it.

So I would call him and go, what's going on?

Where are these big gigs?

He was like, I'm working on Frank.

Yeah.

And at this point, I'm like opening for like frank stallone who are you talking about oh you can only dream of opening for frank stallone so then i work on a cruise ship and i get a phone call now you know if you got a phone call on a cruise ship in 1989 somebody died yep or your place is on fire and it was the agent and he said you're going to open for frank sinatra at bally's in las vegas four shows and he apparently knew jilly rizzo yeah who was frank's guy yeah and um so i got the gig and um i called my friend lar friend Larry Miller because he had opened for Frank.

I worked with Larry years ago.

He's amazing.

Yeah.

To get some tips because I was a little nervous.

And he said, oh, they're going to love you.

You know, it's a great gig.

His audience is great.

And it was an amazing, it's still today the top of my career showbiz experience.

But while we're through, you go out. Yeah.
Is, is there any, what's the is there interaction with Frank? Yes, there was. Is it after, is there, you do your set? I do my set but I learned something very important as a comedian with that gig because I was a little nervous about going out there.
I went out and I said, oh, I'm so happy that Mr. Sinatra asked me to join him here at ballet.
And then the audience was like, oh, okay, she's Frank's girl. All right, yeah, yeah.
So that helped my set a lot. Yes.
So I do my time, 15 minutes. You know, they had the clocks in Vegas on the stage floor.
You got to keep it at 15. And then Sinatra would come out and he'd bring me back for a bow.
Oh.

But he said some cryptic things sometimes.

Like one time he said, that was Carol Leifer.

I wish my mother had been that funny.

I wouldn't have had to work so hard.

The summer breeze came rushing in from across the city.

Yeah.

And then another time he brought me out, he says, that was Carol was Carol Leifer she's big she'll knock you over for the phone what? well to be honest I talk like that now and the podcast just seems to still be doing well so and people just think I'm oh that's Conan with another one of his funny gags I'm going downhill fast it's I mean that's that's Conan with another one of his funny gags. I'm going downhill fast.
It's, I mean, that's real show business. Yes.
That's old time classic show business. Opening for Frank, getting called out for a bow.
Yes, but what a gentleman. I mean, I have friends from that time who opened for people in Vegas who would not even bring them back out.
You know, I would tell you the names of the acts, but I really shouldn't. But some of them are very supreme.
Ah. Nice.
The clothing brand supreme. Uh-huh.
Wow. The pizza, the burrito supreme.
Burrito supreme. Yes.
Okay. Okay.
Yes. The, the, um, I was going to pay you a compliment and I've said this to the producers of Hacks

and I've said this to the stars of Hacks that I have found it to be one of the more accurate

representations of the comedy process.

We all know that there have been many times where people have tried to capture what it's

like to be sitting around thinking of funny ideas and it it's never right. It's never right.
Hacks is the closest I've seen when they're riffing off of each other, when Hannah and Jean Smart are riffing off of each other or going at each other. It feels to me like, oh, people that write comedy are accurately portraying what it's like to try and come up with stuff.
I mean, do you remember that movie Punchline? Yes, I was gonna, where stand-ups all have their own locker. Yes.
Right, exactly. Yeah, no, it's, when I saw the show for the first time, also Jean is the first actor I've seen who is convincing as a stand-up.
Yeah. I mean, completely.
Because there are so many actors who've tried it, and you can just sense something is off. But she goes out there when she does her stand-up on the show, and you totally buy that she's Deborah Vance, the comedian.
The episode where she fills in for the late night host at the last minute and really scores and at the end of the night everyone's leaving and she's running her hands over the desk. I don't tear up at anything, anything.
I start to tear up and I'm on a flight and my wife is looking at me and she thinks I'm watching a dog get put down or something and I show her what I'm watching and I just said I know that completely caught me by surprise it really got me the feeling of I love being behind this desk and this I think I finally found I'm like a snail that finally found his little shell. This is my home.
That killed me. Yeah.
Absolutely killed me. And, but I salute you.
I mean, the writing, I mean, I got to the privilege of doing an episode of Curb, one of the last episodes. And it was really fun.
Yes, I was i would in between takes i'd go and we would chat in between takes and it was so funny because my experience was larry's the same it's not like and cut and larry drops it if you get a bite to eat with larry or larry's been over to my house at a Christmas party. And he's like, you ever noticed?

And he's doing the same stuff and he's being the same guy.

And you think I'm just waiting for the one.

He is the same person.

The same.

Yeah.

So he actually just built a show around who he is.

Exactly.

And he's always,

he's always Larry David. like I asked him when I

got married if he would do a speech and of course he was like yeah you know I ruined my golf game that day yeah no I can't do it yeah you know it's so Larry David yeah I've noticed one thing I've noticed about him is if he's really laughing his yes his teeth move but his jaw doesn't in a weird way.

So he'd be

going,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha,

ha, I've noticed about him is if he's really laughing, his teeth move, but his jaw doesn't in a weird way.

So he'd be going like,

and he's not doing a bit.

No, it's like a little Jerry Mahoney doll. Yeah, it's like a little ventriloquist doll.

And the first time I saw him do it,

I thought, is he making fun of me?

No, that's how he laughed.

It is.

And he was making fun of me.

Yeah.

But he does have a great laugh, doesn't he?

Great laugh.

Yeah, when you make him laugh,

there is no better feeling in the world. Yes.
It's a very nice thing. I'll experience it one day.
And you were great on the show. Oh, thank you.
Yeah. I had a lot of fun.
I like whenever there's an opportunity for me to be doing the episode of Curb. I looked over the script and I realized, oh, I see what this is.
The assignment is, because there's a lot of improvising too. Whatever Larry wants, make sure he doesn't get it.
And that is the essence of Curb, which is a lot of times he wants something. Is it okay if I just, and someone will say like, well, no, actually it's two per customer and that would be a third just deny him the thing that he wants don't give him what he wants so with me it was just is it okay if i can we hang out and i'm like you don't have clearance don't give it to him and anything he would then they were just riffing and he's asking me about my dog and shut down everything he wants just be a dick yeah and who knew i could be a dick hey all right yeah that's called acting you were being method all these years right you were preparing for this role i was preparing for this role of conan o'brien which i think i i did really well um i want to bring up.
That's also, I'm sorry, he's genius that he would take things like he and Larry from Seinfeld, they always loved real life ideas and Larry loved it on Curb. So when I pitched to him this true story that I had this great fold-up umbrella that I loved.

It just opened perfectly and closed, and then I lost it.

And I thought I lost it.

It was from the Omni Dallas Hotel,

and I thought I left it at a Japanese restaurant.

So, of course, I went back, and the owner was like,

have you seen a black fold-up umbrella? It's like, yeah, I have three thousand of them back here. Yeah, but mine says Omni Dallas.
And it was like, no, we don't have that. But the genius of Larry David is he creates that he's in a fight with the owner of the Japanese restaurant so that not only can he not get the umbrella back, but then it becomes also about, well, it's really the Omni Dallas's umbrella, so why should I give it back to you? So he takes it like six steps forward, which is brilliant.
It's so oppositional. Everyone's opposed to him and he's opposed to everyone in the universe.
And it's, I think, one of the things that's magic about the show. And also you can see how much of it is the George Costanza character in Seinfeld is constantly creating his own misery in this particular way, separate from the other characters.
He's creating his own misery constantly, which is very Larry. Yeah, exactly.
And he really latches on to small things. Like the first time I went to pitch for Curb, I went in and my first idea was when you're a funny person, a comedian and a regular person, you tell something funny, say something funny, and someone goes ba-dum-bum to it, how much you hate that.
It's so insulting. And Larry Mead was like, yes, yes, I like that.
So we use that. To me, it's like if you came up with a comedy idea and someone would go like, yeah, that's cute.
That was like being shot in the groin. And not in a good way.
I want to make sure that I talk about this because you've written a book which could be of help to people, which is how to write a funny speech. You say for a wedding, bar mitzvah, graduation, and every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place.
Yes. And your foreword is by none other than Carol Burnett.
How did you pull that off? Carol Burnett. you know i've written for carol i wrote for her uh 50th anniversary show her 90th birthday special and um so i've got to know her casually and she's amazing she's a magical person oh my god isn't she so um i reached out to her and i said, you know, I have this book.

And if you'd be kind enough to write the forward.

And of course, approaching somebody like that.

I'm always with, but if you can't do it, I totally understand.

No problem.

No harm, no foul.

And she was like, yeah, send me the book.

So this is on a Friday, okay?

Sunday, she calls me.

She goes, I read the book.

I loved it.

I'm happy to write the forward. I mean, who does that? Would not be me.
What is this about again? Conan, we've talked seven times. No, it's really lovely that you got her to do it.
And the advice in here is very smart, good advice for people. I think about how to be funny if you're going to give a speech the most important is length yes and i can't tell you how many times i have witnessed someone they get their laugh yeah and you're like good good and then they keep going right and you're like no no no adrian brody just witnessed that on the i was backstage at the oscars and i so wanted to i thought it's late in the day don't be a dick so wanted to go out there and say you thought you thought the brutalist was long um it would have been such it was just such a softball hanging there and i thought uh yeah how How close were you very close i could see where you i was for a second i almost said that speech needed an intermission um but then i thought oh i'm gonna see him in a minute and don't he'll get the his his paybacks coming yeah from the world uh people telling him for the rest of his life why why um but what you said you know how many people get up and tell a speech do a speech and they don't say who they are they just start talking about the person and you're sitting there three minutes in going is this his aunt is this a teacher who is this to this person i mean, it's just important to get up there and go,

hi, I'm Ann Betty, and I've known so-and-so since they were born.

You know, just something as simple as that.

Gives you a connection.

Yeah.

I always get up if I'm giving a speech and say,

I was this person's lover.

It's often not true, but it just gets you right away.

That is a great opening line. Yeah, we were lovers uh it was a very sexual and sensual relationship um and uh but i mean i've noticed something that a lot of people it's a whole generational thing they read off their phone yeah which i find a little off putting i don't like it either i don't like it either and i've do it at, I mean, serious, big, like there's a casket there.
Yeah. And someone's like, well, my father and they're, wait a minute, I'm getting a text.
Yeah. It's weird.
It is weird. You know, part of the advice we give in the book, you can't, you don't have to memorize it.
You know, just if you have a card, have some bullet points. Yes.
But also, you know, practice it in front of someone who's going to be at the event that knows the person. That's a good idea too.
But reading is, yeah, that's a big turnoff. Also leave room space, like have ideas of what you want to say, but leave space for what's happened in the last 10 minutes.

So that I'm looking around for, okay, I think I know what I'm going to do.

But if a coffee urn exploded two minutes ago, don't just lock into, nope, this is what I wrote last night.

Make room for the coffee urn.

Yeah, be in the moment.

Be in the moment.

And people react to that so beautifully they humans know when something real is happening i don't know how they i like humans these humans i've encountered in my time here on earth but they do they know when something organic is happening and they can also sense uh when it's not yeah absolutely um we have a lot of jokes in there jokes to steal yep for the events but the beginning middle and end it's really not all that difficult yeah yeah people can make it harder than it actually is yeah and and look at it it's handy right small it's not a giant tome it's not a tome no um this. No.
This is not a Torah. What's the stick you read with? Hey, thank you for the Jewish reference.
Well, I said the stick. So I don't think I get a lot of, what? Adam, the what? The yod.
The yod? Mm-hmm. Yep.
Fellow Jew in the group. How to write a funny speech for a wedding,, Bar Mitzvah Graduation, and Every Other Event You Didn't Want to Go to in the First Place with a forward by Carol Burnett.
And it actually is a very helpful book. And this was nice to get a chance to sit down with you and talk to you because you're such a fixture in the comedy business in all the best ways that I'm constantly seeing you and we're crossing each other in busy hallways and there are showgirls and people dressed as horses and you know yeah people dressed as German soldiers and you're on in five minutes hey Carol how's it going hi Conan and we pass each other so it's this is really lovely that we got to do this and you know what I wanted to say because would be remiss if I didn't.
I mean, to host the Oscars is really a tough gig. It's really, really tough.
But I will tell your audience that beforehand, when I went to wish you luck, you said, you know what? I just want to have fun out there. Yeah.
And you did. And that's amazing.
That was the mission was obviously do a lot of work beforehand and prepare. But I was determined to, I mean, actually is the thing that's helped me a lot on the podcast and the late night shows over the years is I learned a long time ago, if I'm having fun, it's going to work.
So I can't contrive that. I just have to figure out situations and things to say that I'm going to have fun doing.
Yeah. And put enough of those together where I will have fun.
And if I'm having fun, people will start to have fun. Absolutely.
Yeah. So you really weren't all that nervous going out.
I would say I had. It's yours.
Oh, really? Oh. I'm getting a text right now.
Getting a text. No, it's a spam call.
I don't know why but and it's all turned off by the way i don't know why it made a noise it was vibrating oh i put it on vibrate so i have a central experience um and i just on you though it doesn't have to be this age just hearing hearing something vibrate gets me all hot and bothered. But uh no i will i'd be lying if i said i did a lot of preparation but yes when the time comes to what and they patch they they tap you to go out let's just say you're focused yes i i'm not a nervous wreck but i am i am very aware yeah that um that uh you go into, which I'm sure, I mean, you've had a million times.
When it's time to go, I don't think nervous is the right word for it. Because I'm nervous when I go to the dentist.
It's a different feeling. It's a real intense, everything narrows.
Everything narrows to like a pinpoint of light.

Yeah.

Anyway, congratulations on the book.

Thank you.

And thank you so much for coming.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

We'll come on back.

We have a lot to talk about.

I know.

We sort of have a lot to talk about.

I know.

How come I'm the only one not talking like this?

Yeah.

Because you haven't had a small stroke.

Oh, God. you're taking a trip pretty soon.
Where are you going? I'm going to the mountains. I'm going to Idlewild.
The mayor's a dog. Did you know that? Okay.
Mayor Max. Way too much information.
It's Mayor Max. He's a dog.
Okay. Well, that's nice you're going to Idlewild it's great and you know what I'm thinking about hosting on Airbnb while I'm gone to help offset some of the cost of the trip that's smart hosting is a pretty cool and unique way to make some money back that's right and people can stay in my awesome apartment which is full of great comic books I have a lot of cool figurines it's really it's a great place to stay to stay also.
Have you seen the movie 40-Year-Old Virgin? No. I should check it out sometime.
Okay. Sounds fun.
But you know what? You know, if you've got 20, 25 goals of like travel and stuff like that, this would fit very nicely into those goals, which is using Airbnb. That's right.
Because it's more relaxing to take a trip when you know that you're making some cash on the other end. Exactly.
And it might make you a little more, I don't know, prone to spend a little more on your trip on yourself because you know that you're being responsible. That's right.
So don't leave money on the table when you travel. Your home might be worth more than you think it is.
Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host. Shark Cryo Glow is the only, I'm going to say that again only led mask with under eye cooling in the u.s only cryoglow uses high energy blue and red leds deep penetrating infrared and insta-chill technology to soothe and firm under eyes complete with four unique treatments developed

with dermatologists backed by clinical testing and FDA cleared IQ LED technology provides dermatologist optimizing treatments of red blue and deep infrared light with four unique modes better aging skin clearing skin sustain and under eye revive for a completely customizable routine Hell, I'd want all four.

Insta-chill technology soothes

with three adjustable chill levels for a customized under-eye treatment. I've used this.
You've used Insta-chill? Yeah, they sent us one and I took it. You look fantastic, by the way.
Thank you. I feel fresh-faced.
I've been using it pretty consistently. You know, there's eye holes, so you could just like wear it and just go about your day.
You look kind of crazy, but just you know watch some tv you look like when hannibal lecter cut off someone's face and put it on his face but it was cooling yeah it really you really feel it working it's actually really nice and i i love it i'm gonna keep using it cryo glow all the kids are talk and available at sharkbeauty.com we pride ourselves on professionalism here at the podcast and i you think i'm being uh you know foolish some of us are less professional than others the acme of professionalism the height of professionalism here, I would have to say, is Matt Gourley.

He's a pro.

He's a real pro.

I didn't think that was coming that way. No, no, you are.

You are.

You are.

You, you, no.

What?

I'm not even going to go there.

But anyway,

Matt puts the whole thing together.

You come in.

You're always on time.

You know what's going on.

You hold this whole thing together.

And I say that,

I'm not kidding.

You really do. You are the maestro.
So when you showed up late today, I got worried. Because whenever you watch a- You didn't.
Whenever you, what's just for the pretend? Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, sorry.
I think you mean you got excited. There are similar emotions.
Okay. They're both a form of excitement.
Okay. Thereets but i wait matt's late that never happens and in any crime documentary when the punctual person is late it means they've been murdered yeah so my month went to a dark place which is look if sona's late it's like oh well another crazy night for sona oh my god well whatever you know she'll be She'll stumble in at some point, but we were, I was concerned.
I my God. Well, whatever, you know, she'll be here.
She'll stumble in at some point.

But I was concerned.

I was concerned.

And you, sir,

say you have a tail to tell.

Oh, yes.

Speaking of tail,

we had a cat emergency.

Okay, what happened?

Well, this is not the first time

this has happened,

but our cat, Margo the fat guy,

has some digestive issues

as she gets into her later years. And so...
How old is this cat? She's 13. 13.
And it's gorgeous, though. Here's a grumpy photo of her with a hemorrhoid donut on her head because she couldn't chew one of her wings.
It's a very good-looking cat. Yeah.
She's grumpy there. It might be time.
Age is just a number. I'm sorry, but...
What? It might be time. Wow.
13 be time wow 13 how dare you no no some cats can get way up there they can go to 20 yeah okay well let's hear how's she doing yeah oh man well this is the third time unfortunately we've had to give her an enema not personally oh god so she has to go to because she's, first of all, she's psychotic and she's obsessed with food. So if we don't feed her in the morning, she meows incessantly until we wake up and do it.
So then we got an automated feeder that would dispense dry food, but that constipated her. And that's when we had to give her these enemas.
Now we finally found this wet food automatic feeder where you could load it the night before and it has ice packs. so she'll sit there and stare at it all night long until it goes up but she doesn't bother us but she still got constipated and when we can you get cut wait can you oh go ahead it doesn't matter well she she gets constipated and so we're on like 24-hour poop watch hoping she'll poop and, you know, sometimes it'll go a few days and we start to get really worried.

So we take her to the vet and they want to give her an enema.

But what that means is she comes home and she's just like, like if a toothpaste tube was missing the top.

Okay.

Okay.

I told you this was disgusting and you still wanted to do it.

There's a leakage?

Unbelievable leakage.

And she also does this thing that we call tootie scooching where she sits on her butt and pops her hind legs up in the air and pulls herself with her front legs and just scoots along the floor, whether it be hardwood or rug or whatever. Do you remember those old toys that you used to draw with a wax crayon on a mat and then you'd put a car and the car would follow the wax crayon? No, I don't.
No, me neither. I don't remember that toy.
Nobody?

Oh my God.

You grew up in the 1910s, I believe.

I'm just remembering.

I'm remembering.

And then you were trapped in ice for a while and then we melted you and you came out.

The same way that people knew what I was talking about with the ink, a bink, a bottle,

ink, the cork fell out and you stink.

They'll know what this is.

Okay.

Okay.

So some days we'll come home and there's just this like-

No.

Trail around the house.

Didn't you have an oaky shit story?

Yeah. Like once.

This isn't a regular occurrence. Are you judging me?

Excuse me. I'm keeping a cat alive.

I understand. One that you tried to kill, by

the way. But maybe it's

time. Oh my God.

You need to stop that right now.

This cat is my life.

This is the only being in my household that acknowledges, that gives me any attention, okay? The other two are off on their own all the time. This cat loves me, sits on my lap, we're bonded, and you want to take this from me? Hey, I have a question.
She sits on your lap. Is there shit on your lap? No, she's...
You're making jokes. I'm trying to come up with a solution.
Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you.
There's there are pet diapers are there such a thing for cats margo would just never tolerate it she won't she would rip it off she she's insane yeah our vet tried to put her on prozac oh boy and what what happened there we didn't do it why not um i don't know dope that cat up that cat should be on because that cat should be on lorazepam. I know, we figured out the feeder.
You know, that cat should be like, that cat should be on the white lotus, chunked up on lorazepam, like Parker Posey, you know? That cat should be stumbling around in a really expensive Bangkok hotel going, Meow, meow, meow, meow. One time she ate chocolate.
Oh, great. Well, this will go well.
Once, I don't know what happened, we gave her a large eclair. We did not.
She got it. She gets into everything.
She will eat vegetables. She'll eat anything.
And she went to the bathroom in a closet that was so disgusting. Oh, jeez.
geez and by then i hadn't remodeled it so where the floorboards met the wall there was like a half inch crack and i remember just it was so disgusting that i just put i disinfected it but i put base boards on there and cocked it all up you sealed it into the house like just like the bodies in at the pool in Poltergeist, someone's going to open these up one day. You left that for a future homeowner.
I have no choice. Sweetie, it's our new home.
Hey, sweetie, happy 2055. We're both young and we're, I'm expecting, and we're moving into our own house since the Gourley murders.
I can't believe a woman beat her husband to death with his own tuba. Hey, let's start prying up the baseboard so we can begin the remodeling.
It's come to life by that point. What the shit? Yeah.
Oh God God. It's a demon.
Is this just part of your life now? This leakage is just what it is. Maybe once a year this seems to be happening.
Oh, that's not so bad. No, but it's harrowing when it does happen.
She's just this oddity. One time we were living in a second story apartment and she was so big that she would sit on the ledge that it started bulging out the screen on the window and then she fell out the window but rode the screen down like remember in Temple of Doom when they ride the raft out of the airplane she rode the screen down and I looked down there and she was just fine she was just just fine.
Oh my God. She's insane.
Wow. Maybe it's time.
No, no. No.
No, it's easy to do. Crap, crap.
All right, well listen, and the cat's name is, so we can all be Margo the Fat Guy? Yeah. Okay, that's gender confusion.
Margo the Fat Guy is a lady cat. Is she fat? Yes, she comes and goes right now.
Yeah. Okay, that's gender confusion.
Margot the fat guy is a lady cat. Is she fat?

Yes, she comes and goes right now because she's a little constipated.

Although after today, she's lost weight.

Oh, man.

Well, please, if you're out there, pray, pray, pray.

We'll take them.

There's a lot going on in the world, but this should be the priority is Margot the fat guy.

She's fine now.

She's fine, I should mention.

Yeah.

She's loved,

when she's in her sweet spot,

you know,

on my lap,

there's nothing better.

I wouldn't put that thing

on my lap

for a million dollars.

Start scooching around

using my knee

as toilet paper.

Oh, God.

Then I come to work

and people think

I shit my knee.

Hey, you shit your knee,

Conan.

Why did I agree

to talk about this?

Why did I agree

to talk about this? All right, well, we wish your knee, Conan. Why did I agree to talk about this? Why did I agree to talk about this?

All right, well, we wish you all the best.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow.

Theme song by The White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future. Thank you.
You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
This is Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the promo. And in 30 seconds, I'm going to tell you why you should check out the show.
I, the host, Scott Aukerman, have a lighthearted conversation with famous celebrities like Jon Hamm, Alison Williams, Phoebe Bridgers, Jason Alexander, Natasha Lyonne, Bob Odenkirk, just to name a few. Things go a little off the rails when different eccentric characters and oddballs drop by to be interviewed as well.
Each week is a blend of conversations and character work from your favorite comedians, as well as some new hilarious voices. Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast.
Listen every Monday, wherever you get your podcasts. All set for your flight? Yep, I've got everything I need.
iMask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet.
Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands.
I never go anywhere without T-Mobile. I'm going to leave you to it.