Carol Leifer

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Speaker 1 Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich. I mean, we've been thinking that.
Why does hell say it, right, Sona?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like, who needs a crust?

Speaker 1 You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sony. You said, who needs the crust? And I said, first of all, my name's Conan.
You know,

Speaker 1 anyway, it's the perfect grab

Speaker 1 for all of life's moments with unbeatable soft bread in a variety of flavors, like well, peanut butter and grape jelly, peanut butter and strawberry jam.

Speaker 1 Hello, peanut butter and raspberry spread, and so much more. No mess, no prep, just thaw and eat.

Speaker 1 Yep, get them in the freezer aisle today.

Speaker 3 Hi, my name is Carol Leifer,

Speaker 3 And I feel fresh about being Conan O'Brien's friend. It's new, it's fresh.

Speaker 1 It's new, it's fresh. Yes.

Speaker 1 Fall is here, hear the yell. Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk in blues, climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Speaker 1 Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Speaker 1 Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And joined by two of my friends, my good friends, contractually, Sona Movsian

Speaker 1 and Matt Gorley.

Speaker 1 No, it's in the contract.

Speaker 1 It's true.

Speaker 1 And I'm going through a little bit of an unusual moment right now, which is

Speaker 1 my wife is out of town and my kids are away. They're in school.
I am

Speaker 1 living alone in the house with my two dogs and my daughter's cat,

Speaker 1 or our two dogs and my daughter's cat. And it's just becoming clear to me that I don't know very basic things like how to feed myself

Speaker 1 and I don't cook.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 you can't use like a delivery app, can you probably? Well, you know what?

Speaker 1 In the past, I used to like call my son and say, can you get me a hamburger? And he would do it. I am using a delivery app, but I won't mention which one it is unless they give us some money.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But anyway,

Speaker 2 I know which one because I get the email confirmation.

Speaker 1 Do you get the email confirmation? I do.

Speaker 3 You know what he's eating? So

Speaker 3 I try not to check.

Speaker 2 I want to give you some privacy, but then I do anyway.

Speaker 1 And I,

Speaker 1 what do you mean? Like, that's so weird that you know what I'm eating. I know.
But have you noticed that lately?

Speaker 1 So I'm at home alone. Robbers, I'm at home alone.

Speaker 4 Was Liza protecting you?

Speaker 1 She was.

Speaker 1 Liza's a badass ninja. But I'm realizing, like, Liza is so,

Speaker 1 I mean, amazing in a lot of ways. But, but, but when you, I don't even notice it, but I come in the door and she just, she's cooking.

Speaker 1 She's, there's food, there's, or if we are ordering, she's ordered it. It's all, you know what I mean? It's just,

Speaker 1 and I've become,

Speaker 1 I've reverted back to when I was a comedy writer in the 1980s and I I was just on my own and I would be coming. I just ate fast food.

Speaker 1 This is before delivery. Sometimes I wouldn't eat for a long time because, I mean, I'm stupid.

Speaker 1 I'm a 19-year-old boy in a lot of ways. And

Speaker 1 yeah, I am. And so.

Speaker 1 My wife is away for the time being, and I'm stunned that I'll, and I'm not joking. I last

Speaker 1 night, I

Speaker 1 was just hanging around the house. I had fed the, I can feed the dogs because they have dog seats.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So I fed the dogs.

Speaker 1 Took care of the cat. No, the cat can fend for itself.
The cat has its own app.

Speaker 1 No, I've, you know, I took care of the cat. The cat, everything's fine with them.
I can take care of them. And then I opened the refrigerator.

Speaker 1 And because of the fires, all we're starting fresh with all our food. Like, you know, we weren't in our house for a long time and a lot of the food had to be thrown out.

Speaker 1 So there's very little in the refrigerator. And I opened the refrigerator and there's like two of like chocolate milk energy drinks.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I just had one of those and then tried to pretend that was dinner. Oh, and that was at like four o'clock in the afternoon.
Oh, no. And I was like, well, that should do it.

Speaker 1 And then a couple hours later, I'm like, huh, I don't think that does it.

Speaker 1 And then I took some almond butter and I put it on a piece of bread. And then I thought, I think jelly goes with this, doesn't it? This is stuff five-year-olds know.

Speaker 1 And then I had that, but it wasn't even a sandwich. I just rolled one piece of bread into a taco and ate that standing up.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's just, I'm over 60 years old. I've had some accomplishments in my life.
And then I went back and then I'm going through the app. Like, I do know.

Speaker 1 I'm looking at the app and there's just so many, so many choices.

Speaker 1 I don't know what to do and then I start to think well there's one more of those energy drinks the one I had before I get it and I had that again so I had two energy drinks can you cook and anything no really there's nothing you know what I can do I can do breakfast okay so do you what when you wake up you don't you don't do breakfast no I can make breakfast.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can make breakfast. We do breakfast for a time.

Speaker 1 I can make

Speaker 1 Your Honor. I wish to state that I can feed myself at breakfast.
Lunch is a little easier.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy, did I do something? Okay.

Speaker 1 So yesterday, I stayed home yesterday. So I was at home the whole day myself and I didn't have any breakfast.
I don't know why. And again, I'm rattling around the house.
I'm playing with the dogs.

Speaker 1 I'm walking them. And then I

Speaker 1 drove around in my pickup truck and I went and I parked on the street and I'm walking down the street and I see an Erewhon and I go in and I wait in the line and then I look at the smoothies and I panic and get the only smoothie I know which is the Haley Bieber smoothie.

Speaker 1 I've never made an appearance on this podcast before. And so I said, I didn't want to say I'll have the Haley Bieber smoothies.
So I went, I'll have that raspberry one.

Speaker 1 And the guy was like, the Haley Bieber smoothie. And I went, the raspberry one.
And he went, you want the Haley Bieber skin exfoliating.

Speaker 1 This is like when you have to buy tampons for your wife.

Speaker 1 Is that what you want? The one that makes your skin glow so that Justin Bieber loves you even more? And I went, I'll just have the raspberry one.

Speaker 1 And then he said, what name? And I was about to use a different name. And I went, nope, don't do that.
That's stupid. I just said Conan.
So then I wait near the thing.

Speaker 1 And then they went, Cohan, Cohan.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I just hoaxed the Oscars. It's Conan, and I want the Haley Bieber smoothie.

Speaker 1 They didn't get her name wrong. No.

Speaker 1 And it said Cohan, C-O-H-A-N on it. And then I went and I sat alone at this little table.

Speaker 1 And it's the most embarrassing-looking smoothie you've ever seen because it's got little swirls of red, and then there's like a creamy swirl.

Speaker 1 And I sat there and I'm like, Schlurp, schlurp, schlurp, schlurp. Why did she sniff it there?

Speaker 1 Because I panicked. And I sat and there's a big picture window, and bang, bang, bang against the window.
And I look out and there's a guy like a fan goes, gives me the big thumbs up.

Speaker 1 and i have the straw on my lips and i'm going slurp schlurp and i gave a thumbs up back

Speaker 1 schlurp and then another fan bang bang bang bang schlerp schlerp and i gave the okay sign they're all running home i saw conan eating the haley beaver

Speaker 1 skin exfoliating oh wow nature giving

Speaker 1 ovulation

Speaker 1 smoothie.

Speaker 1 I know. I mean, I swear to God.
It's not going to last. It's not going to last.

Speaker 1 Please, can someone, someone find out where I live and come into the house and cook for me? Yeah. And Jesus.
She's going to bring you Haley Bieber's in this. I know.

Speaker 1 They're going to go get like a blood test. And they're going to say, Your body is just made.

Speaker 1 They're going to look up and go from the microscope and go, have you been just living off of Haley Bieber smoothies? Because I'm her doctor and you have the exact same

Speaker 1 DNA makeup.

Speaker 4 And your skin looks amazing.

Speaker 1 Sir, you have breasts now.

Speaker 1 You're leaving. I leave with a training bra.

Speaker 1 My lips are all plump. Suddenly, people are saying, you should model.

Speaker 1 All right. My guest today is a hilarious comedian and writer.
I hope she can cook for me.

Speaker 1 Now I'm just going to start booking people who I hope will cook for me, who has worked on such shows as Seinfeld, Hacks, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Good God.
She's worked on so many great shows.

Speaker 1 Now she has a new book, How to Write a Funny Speech for a Wedding Bar Mitzvah Graduation and Every Other Event You Didn't Want to Go To in the first place.

Speaker 1 Thrilled she's here today. Carol Leefer, welcome.

Speaker 1 We have crossed paths many times, but never had a chance to sit down. And this is a treat for me because I've wanted to talk to you.

Speaker 1 And this is our opportunity right now. It is.
Because we've worked side by side.

Speaker 1 We just did the Oscars together.

Speaker 1 You're a writer on the Oscars. I was hosting the Oscars.
And yet there's all this running around, and we keep passing each other in the hallway.

Speaker 1 So it's nice to sit down because you have, in my opinion, one of the best careers of any comedy writer I can imagine. Wow.
Highlights. I mean, think about it.
Think about this.

Speaker 1 I'm explaining it to you as if you've lost your memory in an accident. I'm a doctor that's come in, and I'm telling you, your name is Carol Liefer.

Speaker 1 You've written on Seinfeld, Hacks, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Modern Family, Saturday Night Live, the Larry Sanders show, and 10 Academy Award shows. Yes.
That's insanity.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Oh, and you're leaving out the Colgate Comedy Hour.

Speaker 1 Yes. You killed it in 1952.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 You were a fetus when you wrote for that show.

Speaker 1 There's so much to talk about because there's the world of comedy writing, but what I want to start with is you come from the world of stand-up 1970s.

Speaker 1 And I've talked to people like Susie Esman about what what it was like in those early days to be a woman who's trying to do stand-up comedy in the 1970s. Yes.
It was,

Speaker 1 I would guess,

Speaker 1 not easy, not an easy thing to crack. You know what?

Speaker 3 It was actually quite the opposite because

Speaker 3 there were not many women. And I always thought that was a tremendous advantage

Speaker 3 because,

Speaker 3 you know, I always talk about the 70s stand-up. They were looking for comedians.

Speaker 3 But it's really true. So when I started, there were like four or five women comics.
You know, Rita Rudner was of my generation. And

Speaker 3 they wanted women comics. And I always felt I got so much support.
from the guy comics.

Speaker 1 Oh, good. Yeah.

Speaker 3 A lot of people thought it was a little rough and tumble and all that, but I got so much support. So I found it to be advantage.

Speaker 3 I mean, what was obnoxious was way back then, they wouldn't put on two women

Speaker 3 following each other. It was like it had to be separated.
Like we'll have the singer, then the ventriloquist, then a woman, then the monkey act, then maybe another woman.

Speaker 1 You're a novelty.

Speaker 1 It's like, yeah. It's like someone who can separate both shoulders.

Speaker 3 Right. The contortionist, then a woman.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Another oddity

Speaker 1 that represents 50% of the population and is responsible for the continuation of our species.

Speaker 1 One of those things

Speaker 3 is so weird. I could follow a bearded woman.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I've been mistaken for a bearded woman at times.

Speaker 1 It's so interesting to me because

Speaker 1 you get started in this time and the thing that always fascinates me is what's the impetus? What makes Carol Leefer as a young woman decide

Speaker 1 I'm going to go swim upstream against the current and get into this profession. I mean, it's strange enough in those days when a man decides to do it.
But

Speaker 1 where did you come from? What made you want to do this?

Speaker 3 Well, I think, you know,

Speaker 3 as always wanting to be a performer,

Speaker 3 you know, like most people's greatest fear is speaking in front of large groups of people. Most performers fear, fear is not speaking in front of people.

Speaker 1 Right. You know what I mean? You had it in you.
You were, you were, you wanted to be in front of those people.

Speaker 3 I did. I did.
And what I liked about stand-up was anybody can do it. You know, I was going to school at Binghamton.
Paul Riser was in my theater group.

Speaker 3 And he told me, you know,

Speaker 3 like one day, you know, during the summers, I go to these comedy clubs and on audition night and I perform.

Speaker 3 And comedy clubs were so new then, you know, so when he was talking about clubs, I was like, this guy goes to clubs. What is he? Like Vic De Mones?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Performing at these places.

Speaker 3 He was like, anybody can go on. So I always loved that about, and I still love that about stand-up.
It's like, you want to go on. It's not like an actor where you have to audition.

Speaker 1 And, you know, right, or a musician where you need to have your tuba with you. Yes.
You, you can just walk in, you can be somewhere, you can go up and you can do a set.

Speaker 3 Exactly. And the first time I went on on my first audition, I, you know, it's also something about being young and having a lot of balls that you don't have later on in life.

Speaker 1 You have more to lose later in life. I've noticed.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I completely agree with what you're saying. There's a period in my life where I had a $380 a month apartment.
I had a

Speaker 1 beat up 1973 Plymouth Valiant. And

Speaker 1 I'd do anything. I'd do anything.
I sold my body for sex

Speaker 1 and enjoyed it.

Speaker 1 And often would, yeah. Win-win.
Yeah, win-win. Okay.
I wouldn't even take the money afterwards. But yes, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Speaker 3 So I went on audition night. My first audition night, I like killed.
It was amazing. And I thought like, oh my God, this is not only so great, it's so easy.
Like, I'll be on Johnny Carson next week.

Speaker 3 It's amazing. It wasn't until the second time that I went on that I completely bombed, like so bad that I invited friends from college to come see me because I was like, oh, you know, I'm doing great.

Speaker 3 And you can actually, and I had a tape recorder on the table, and you can actually hear my friend in the middle of my set going, oh,

Speaker 3 muttering how horrible it was going over. So then I saw, like, to be a stand-up comedian, it takes some work.
You have good nights, you have bad nights.

Speaker 3 There are a lot of factors that go into it, who you follow, what time of the night you go on, how inebriated the crowd is. So you have to learn to negotiate all that.

Speaker 1 You talked about Carson. I know your real break came with Letterman.
Yeah. Letterman's show,

Speaker 1 which was, you know, such an influence on me. I think I'm 17 or 18 when he does the morning show and then

Speaker 1 switches over to the late night show. So I'm maybe 19 years old when he starts the late night show.
And

Speaker 1 comedy is my religion as a 19-year-old.

Speaker 1 And so I become a total acolyte. And I'm looking at David Letterman saying, oh, this person's showing me the way.

Speaker 1 He

Speaker 1 would, you knew Dave. I didn't.
You didn't know Dave?

Speaker 3 No, no.

Speaker 3 In 1980, kids, I was in a contest called the Big The New York Laugh Off.

Speaker 3 And it was a contest, you know, of comedians. You know, that's so funny to me today.
It's like back then, that's how you got exposure. You were in contests, you know.

Speaker 3 And it aired on Showtime. And Letterman saw that and recommended me to the tonight show for that.

Speaker 3 And then the tonight show saw my big laugh offset and they passed.

Speaker 3 So then when Dave got his show, they just reached out and said, would you like to be on?

Speaker 1 And he put you on a bunch of times.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was on 25 times.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And they gave me an open door. It was like, whenever you have a new set, come on, which was amazing.

Speaker 1 It is such an interesting thing. There's such a almost like a lemmings or sheep kind of mentality where people don't think you're the real McCoy.

Speaker 1 But once you've been on a show and there's tape of you and there's a famous host saying, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Carol Leefer, suddenly they're like, oh, right. Yeah.
You're one of them.

Speaker 1 Well, you were one of them before. You just, it's a magical thing.

Speaker 3 But not really until you go on TV. I mean, to this day, my first appearance on Letterman is like one of my the best days of my life.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Because like suddenly you're not just, you know, kind of in it, you're really in it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Also, it was a different era

Speaker 1 than today. I mean, I talk about this a lot.
And when I talk about it to my kids, I sound like an old wizard telling people about the beginning of how Earth formed. But

Speaker 3 it was so different that my dad bought a VCR to tape me. You know, at the time, it was like $1,000.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Right.
Right.

Speaker 1 Well, they were made of gold.

Speaker 1 PCRs were all gold. They were made by Rolex.

Speaker 1 Then they got into the watch business.

Speaker 1 But one of the things that was interesting, too, is I've talked to people from that era, you know, ahead of you, but they were like, you know, Steve Martin or comedians of that generation, they would say they would go on Johnny Carson show.

Speaker 1 And the next day they would walk down the street and people were shouting out of cars because half the country watched.

Speaker 1 Do you know, it was the equivalent of being on the Super Bowl, except it happened every night

Speaker 1 because there was literally one late-night show. And I remember when there was, you know, there's, there's Carson and then Letterman after Carson.

Speaker 1 And occasionally there'd be another show that they would put up, but it wouldn't last that long. Yeah.
Who is Merv Griffin? Yeah, Merv Griffin. Yeah.
Yeah. During the daytime.

Speaker 1 But who was watching TV during the daytime? I wasn't.

Speaker 1 So to me, it was.

Speaker 1 If something happened, I mean, I remembered when David Byrne, for the talking heads, Dave Letterman interviewed David Byrne, and everybody I talked to the next day, because we were all in college, we had all seen it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was a time when we were all gathered around the same campfire.

Speaker 1 There was a magic to that, which gave you this legitimacy and power.

Speaker 3 The Freddie Prince story, he did, I think, like one appearance, and then he got like Chico and the Man the next day. Got his own series.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And he was very young.
He was like 20 or 19 or 20. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But it was definitely like a star maker.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 I know that you have a successful stand-up career, but then you have this pedigree as a writer, which is just off the charts.

Speaker 1 When do you start to realize, okay, I love stand-up. I love doing stand-up, but I want to be in that room.
I want to be in the writer's room.

Speaker 3 Well, I got my break to write on SNL. This is...

Speaker 1 What year?

Speaker 3 What year would that be? 85 to 86. Okay.
What is affectionately or disaffectionately called the weird year? Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, with the strange cast, Robert Downey Jr., Randy Quaid.

Speaker 3 But Al Franken.

Speaker 1 Anthony Michael Hall. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Al Franken and Jim Downey came to the comic strip to audition comics. And they saw me and they said, would you like to, you know, we like you and we'd like to see if you want to write on the show.

Speaker 3 I was like, absolutely. They said, oh, you just have to meet Lauren.

Speaker 3 I was like, all set for this meeting and had all my answers prepared, you know, for like a serious sit-down business meeting.

Speaker 3 It was literally, he was auditioning people, Lauren, at this rehearsal space. He came out for two seconds and he said to me, oh, I don't do a good Lauren.

Speaker 3 You know, Jim and I'll say you're very good. And, you know, sometimes you have to stay up late at the show.
I was like, yeah. He went, okay, thanks.

Speaker 1 That was my big interview. Wow.
But you passed.

Speaker 3 I guess so.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like, if I had said, I really don't like staying off the bed.

Speaker 1 I like to be in bed by eight o'clock.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's going to interfere with my routine.

Speaker 3 And so I wrote that year and I really enjoyed it, but I really wanted to go back to stand-up. So I did.
But then,

Speaker 3 strangely, out of the blue in 93, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld called me together.

Speaker 3 So I knew at that time there was something odd about that because I would talk to each of them separately on a landline, but calling me together seemed weird. They were in one spot.
Like a prank.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and they were like, you know, do you want to ride for Seinfeld? And I was like,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, it was great because my inexperience is the thing that got me the job because they, you know, didn't want people who'd written on sitcoms before, because as Larry referred to it, you know, they were poisoned by the system.

Speaker 1 As temperatures around the U.S.

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Speaker 1 You know, I've been to Scottsdale. Yeah.
And you know what's nice? Huh. When it gets really cold in other parts of the country, Scottsdale is the last place to get chilly.

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Speaker 2 Yeah, you really did. It sounds like you're just rereading what you said before.

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Speaker 5 Did you know they have a lot of golf courses?

Speaker 1 When I'm not golfing, I'm miserable. You know that about me.
I like getting the old mashy out and driving one 900 miles down the fairway.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

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Speaker 1 you've been working with Ashley recently. Care to tell us? Yeah, well, I'm an interior decorator now.
You know what? I do think you have good style. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, Ashley makes it very easy. Okay.
And then, you know, recently,

Speaker 2 sadly, we lost our house and we were living with my parents for four and a half months and my kids trashed the place. So my parents, we got them this dining set.

Speaker 1 It's really pretty. First of all, they look pretty durable, but they are.
But your kids are, you know, they're very good at destroying things. They are.

Speaker 2 And they can't even destroy them.

Speaker 1 Why do you let your children have saws and hammers? It just feels like a mistake. I know.

Speaker 1 But that's beautiful. That's gorgeous.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they love it. It was really easy.
And because I'm an interior decorator, I also helped Blai with what he really badly needed, some new furniture.

Speaker 1 Trust me, all of Blais' furniture was just old action figures duct taped together. That's right.
Into crude furniture shapes. Yeah, not comfortable at all.
Yeah. Extra poking you and everything.

Speaker 1 You'd be like, attack, attack.

Speaker 1 But thanks to Sona, she got me this fantastic sectional. Oh, look at that.

Speaker 1 Which is amazing. And due to Ashley's white glove delivery, it came right to my door.
And really, it is the nicest thing in my apartment. Yeah.
It's really great.

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Speaker 3 What was your first writing job?

Speaker 1 It was not necessarily the news. Oh, wow.
And a woman named Pat Lee gave me,

Speaker 1 yes. Yeah, she

Speaker 1 hired Greg and I. We got us into the guild.

Speaker 1 It was our first show.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we worked like maniacs. And I have such clear memories.
And I'm always passing Sunset Gower Studios. And I always have the same flashback to Greg and I.
We took an overnight flight. It was cheap.

Speaker 1 It was, I think, called People Express where you could like fly.

Speaker 1 Do you remember

Speaker 3 the Chinese?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 People Express was a poultry. Literally, you could, for like $40, you could fly across the country.
I mean, something insane. And obviously, it was a whole other world before 9-11.

Speaker 1 I mean, you just would buy your ticket at the counter. You'd get on the plane, no frills.
We flew overnight.

Speaker 1 I remember my writing partner, Greg Daniels, put a blanket over his head to try and go to sleep because the seats didn't go back. So he was sitting upright.

Speaker 1 He looked like a bad kid's ghost sitting next to me.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we landed, we got this really cheap rental car, and we drove to Sunset Gower Studios and walked in and said, We're here to work for television.

Speaker 1 I have acne.

Speaker 1 And that's where it started. But But

Speaker 1 it was a show that at least had, it was pre-tapes and it wasn't, we weren't writing four characters and it wasn't all these shows that I really despised.

Speaker 1 It was sketch comedy that I thought, okay, this is, this is respectable. We can do this

Speaker 1 with an eye towards hoping to get a job with Letterman, which didn't work out.

Speaker 1 But it was, so you get this call

Speaker 1 and to work for Seinfeld and you write an episode that coincidentally, I've been,

Speaker 1 we were displaced by the fire. Our house is okay, but it has to be de-smoked,

Speaker 1 detoxed. And so my wife and I have been living in this little

Speaker 1 apartment kind of rental apartment with a kitchenette at the hotel. And

Speaker 3 you're at the Oakwood, aren't you?

Speaker 1 A great place to meet a single pregnant woman

Speaker 1 who's going through a bad divorce.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 every night we don't have our regular television. We just, you know, we don't have Apple TV or Mac or anything.
So we're just coming through and we always land on Seinfeld. Oh, nice.

Speaker 1 And we watch Seinfeld and I watched your Rye episode. Ah, yes.

Speaker 3 Marble Rye.

Speaker 1 Three nights ago I watched the Marble Rye episode, remembered that you had written that episode, which is one of my favorites. Oh, thank you.
If you don't recall, I think it's George's fiancé.

Speaker 1 George is going, George Costanza is going over to eat with the fiancé, and he brings his parents, who, of course, humiliate him, you know,

Speaker 1 the great Jerry Stiller and the actress, I can't remember the actress's name who plays. Estelle Harris.
Estelle Harris.

Speaker 1 And they come over and they're just, they bring a marble rye, and then they notice that these waspy parents. of their future in-law don't eat the marble rye.
So Jerry Stiller takes it back.

Speaker 1 And then that couple realizes, the waspy couple realizes that the marble rye has been taken back and they're

Speaker 1 enraged. And then the whole episode is about how do we get the rye back into the apartment, which is a great, great idea for an episode.
Where did you get that idea?

Speaker 3 It was crazy because, you know, a lot of times people come up to you when you ride on a hit show like that and they're like, something really funny happened to me. And you're like, oh boy, here we go.

Speaker 3 You know, and it's like, Betty's egg salad was in the fridge at work and somebody took it, you know, and it's like, oh boy, here we go.

Speaker 3 But a friend of mine from high school was like, I had the funniest thing happen.

Speaker 3 This couple came over and brought a bread. We didn't put it out and they wanted to take it back.
And I knew when I went in to Larry's office, Larry and Jerry, you would pitch to them one-on-one.

Speaker 3 If Larry liked an idea, he would get so ecstatic. You know what I mean? When I pitched that, he was like, I love it.
I love it. We're doing that.
Yeah, we're doing that.

Speaker 3 And he would be like that about certain ideas, you know, like Elaine thinks the Korean manicures are talking about her behind her back in Korean. Like, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 You know, he could just, he knew it's like he had a divining rod. Like, yes, there's water there.
I know there's water there. Yeah.
Exactly.

Speaker 3 You know, conversely, if you pitched, and this is a lot of times, ideas that he, they didn't like, he would kind of do this thing with his arm and go,

Speaker 3 yeah,

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's called angina.

Speaker 1 He's having a heart attack. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, or he would, would, you know, the biggest put down was, I could, I could see that on another show.

Speaker 1 And it would be like, oh.

Speaker 1 But,

Speaker 3 and then when you have an idea like you like like that, in thinking about it, I was also thinking about Kramer and loving Costco because I loved Costco, still do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can get so much of some of that.

Speaker 3 Yes, yes. And that he bought so much beef-aronium that he started feeding it to his handsome cab horse,

Speaker 3 which eventually gave him a lot of flatulence.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes,

Speaker 1 ruining the night out for this WASPI couple.

Speaker 1 By the way, there's a lot of genius behind the show, Seinfeld, but I always thought the casting was impeccable, not just of the main characters, but of the smaller characters.

Speaker 1 And I went out of my way because every time George's fiancé's parents are on the show,

Speaker 1 they're spectacular.

Speaker 1 So I looked them up. It's Grace Zabriskic and Warren Frost.
Yeah. And I just wanted to give a shout out to the universe.
They're two of the, they're that the character acting they do on that episode

Speaker 1 and other episodes as well, the one where the cabin burns down, is they're impeccable. Yeah.
They're fantastic. Really, really great.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 just unbelievable. Yeah.

Speaker 3 The guest casting was amazing. And what was great about then,

Speaker 3 them as bosses for the writers, was you could be involved in every step of the process. You know, you were involved in casting.

Speaker 3 And, you know, now that I work on shows, people send in tapes, which is horrible. You know, it was so great when people would walk in the room and they go, hey, where's the hot seat?

Speaker 3 You know, and they'd sit down and you get a vibe off of them.

Speaker 3 You could also see how nervous they were in front of people instead of self-taping at home. But

Speaker 3 you'd be part of the casting. You'd be part of everything.
So editing and all that. And a lot of times writers don't have that opportunity on shows.
So that was really great.

Speaker 3 And to cast these smaller roles and people that just took off, you know? Yeah. And even like the regulars, like the tennis episode I did with Marley Matlin, the lip reader.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, it was like, what are the four stories going to be? You know, and, you know, for Kramer, for that, you have a tennis episode. Well, he's got to be a ball boy.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then you know that's going to be funny. You know, you called him the ball man.
And then, you know, he was rehearsing, you know, Michael would rehearse these physical things over and over.

Speaker 3 People just thought he just did it automatically. He would really rehearse it.
And, you know, he just rehearsed as a ball man the entire week.

Speaker 1 You work on a show like that. I think it's an immersive experience.
I thought I've said the same thing about Saturday Night Live, where you're not just a writer.

Speaker 1 There's the old idea of the writers are off in a separate building. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 there's no light, the shades are drawn. They're just in there coming up with this, and they're treated sort of with contempt.

Speaker 1 And then the scripts come out, and then the director, the producers, the actors make it, and no one ever goes near the writer's building.

Speaker 1 And I always thought a great gift that Lauren gave all of us was: even if you had only been working there for a week, and it sounds like the same thing that

Speaker 1 Larry and Jerry would do, which is, no,

Speaker 1 you're in charge of everything. If it's your sketch or if it's your episode,

Speaker 1 you're in on the whole thing, which opens you to the world of casting props. When should we see things? How should we see things? Maybe go talk to the director.

Speaker 1 Make sure you don't cross any lines. Do it tactfully, but you're in charge of the whole thing because it's your baby.
And that invests you with. great sense of responsibility.
You try so much harder.

Speaker 3 Exactly. Because also, you know, your ass is on the line if something goes off.
So you do have that sense of responsibility with an episode, which is great.

Speaker 3 You know, the saddest thing to me is that I'm a big collector. So I took the, we couldn't use beeferoni for some reason.

Speaker 1 It's beeferino. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 They made us change the name.

Speaker 3 So I had the can that the prop guy came up with for beeferino, and I had it in my apartment on Flores in west hollywood and then when i moved i forgot to take it you know move it away and the guys thought it was just an empty can and they tossed it

Speaker 3 i know yeah it's i mean the fact that i'm here today i mean

Speaker 1 it's it's not the snow globe from citizen kane

Speaker 1 but it's close

Speaker 1 the beef a rino can

Speaker 1 you know someone's going to find it and it's going to go

Speaker 1 as long after you and i are gone

Speaker 1 someone's going to find it it's going to be auctioned off for like $600,000.

Speaker 3 Oh, come on, more than that.

Speaker 1 Okay. All right.
I mean, it's the future. Well, you're right.

Speaker 1 Before we move on to other shows you've worked on, I have to ask you. I know that you, you were the comedian who opened for Frank Sinatra.
I have to ask you about that. I mean, and this is 1989.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 3 must know. Crazy, crazy story.
All right. So in 1989, I'm getting some gigs.
Things are good. I run it to this

Speaker 3 agent agent who's supposed to be, you know,

Speaker 3 big time at the time. He's like,

Speaker 3 you know, Carol, I think you could be doing even better. Why don't you come to my office, write down the gigs you have, have had and how much you got, and we'll go over it.

Speaker 3 All right. So I wrote them down.
I came to his office. And right away, looking at the list, he was like, You got this at Sir Laugh-A-Lots? Oh, that's a joke.
You know,

Speaker 3 you made this much at the Chuckle Hut? No, that's pathetic.

Speaker 1 So he said. Great names, though.

Speaker 3 So he said, why don't you, you know, sign with me? I was like, okay, great.

Speaker 3 So we start working together. And things are, you know, time is passing by.
I'm literally working at ground round restaurants doing comedy nights there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Where you can't even be heard because people are the sound of peanut shells crunching on the floor. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You could not even get over it.

Speaker 1 So I would call him and go, what's going on?

Speaker 3 Where are these big gigs? He was like, I'm working on Frank. Yeah.
And at this point, I'm like, opening for like Frank Stallone?

Speaker 1 Who are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Oh, you could only dream of opening for Frank Stallone.

Speaker 3 So then I work on a cruise ship and I get a phone call. Now, you know, if you got a phone call on a cruise ship in 1989, somebody died

Speaker 3 or your place is on fire.

Speaker 3 And it was the agent. And he said, you're going to open for Frank Sinatra at Bally's in Las Vegas, four shows.
And he apparently knew Jilly Rizzo,

Speaker 1 who is Frank's guy.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And so I got the gig. And I called my friend Larry Miller because he had opened for Frank just

Speaker 3 Larry years ago. He's amazing

Speaker 3 to get some tips because I was a little nervous. And he said, oh, they're going to love you.
You know, it's a great gig. His audience is great.
And

Speaker 3 it was an amazing, it's still today the top of my career showbiz.

Speaker 1 But walk me through,

Speaker 1 you go out. Yeah.
Is there any, what's the inner, is there interaction with Frank?

Speaker 3 Yes, there was.

Speaker 1 So after, is there, you do this, you do your set?

Speaker 3 I do my set, but I learned something very important as a comedian with that gig because I was a little nervous about going out there. I went out and I said, oh, I'm so happy that Mr.

Speaker 3 Sinatra asked me to join him here at Bally's. And then the audience is like, oh, okay, she's Frank's girl.

Speaker 1 All right. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So that helped my set a lot. Yes.
So I'd do my time, 15 minutes. You know, they had the clocks in Vegas on the stage floor.

Speaker 3 You got to keep it at 15.

Speaker 3 And then Sinatra would come out and he'd bring me back for a bow. Oh.

Speaker 3 But he said some cryptic things sometimes. Like one time he said, That was Carol Leefer.
I wish my mother had been that funny. I wouldn't have had to work so hard.

Speaker 1 The summer breeze came rushing in

Speaker 1 from across the city.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then another time he brought me out. He says, that was Carol Leafer.
She's big. She'll knock you over for the phone.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Well, to be honest, I talk like that now.

Speaker 1 And the podcast just seems to still be doing well. So, and people just think I'm, oh, that's coming with another one of his funny gags.
I'm going downhill fast.

Speaker 1 it's uh, I mean, that's that's real show business, yes, that's old-time classic show business opening for Frank, getting called out for a bow.

Speaker 3 Yes, but what are gentlemen? I mean, I have friends from that time who opened for people in Vegas who would not even bring them back out.

Speaker 3 You know, I would tell you the names of the acts, but I really shouldn't. But some of them are very supreme.

Speaker 1 Nice, the clothing brand Supreme.

Speaker 1 Wow. The pizza, the burritos.
Burrurito Supreme.

Speaker 1 I was going to pay you a compliment, and I've said this to the producers of Hacks, and I've said this to the stars of Hacks, that I have found it to be one of the more accurate representations of the comedy process.

Speaker 1 We all know that there have been many times where people have tried to capture what it's like to be sitting around thinking of funny ideas, and it's never right. No.
It's never right.

Speaker 1 Hacks is the closest I've seen when they're riffing off of each other. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When Hannah and Gene Smart are riffing off of each other or going at each other.

Speaker 1 It feels to me like, oh, people that write comedy are accurately portraying what it's like to try and come up with stuff.

Speaker 3 I mean, do you remember that movie Punchline?

Speaker 1 Yes, I was going to, where stand-ups all have their own locker. Yes.

Speaker 3 Right. Exactly.
Yeah. No, it's

Speaker 3 when

Speaker 3 I saw the show for the first time. Also, Jean is the first actor I've seen who is convincing as a stand-up.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, completely, because there are so many actors who've tried it and you can just sense something is off.

Speaker 1 But she.

Speaker 3 goes out there when she does her stand-up on the show and you totally buy that she's Deborah Vance, the comedian.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
The episode where she fills in for the late night host at the last minute and really scores. And at the end of the night, everyone's leaving and she's running her hands over the desk.

Speaker 1 I don't tear up at anything. Anything.
Wow. I start to tear up and I'm on a flight and my wife is looking at me and she thinks I'm watching a dog get put down or something.

Speaker 1 And I show her what I'm watching and I just said, I know

Speaker 1 that completely caught me by surprise. Right.
It really got me. It really got me the feeling of, I love being behind this desk.

Speaker 1 And this, I think I finally found, I'm like a snail that finally found his little shell. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is, this is my home. That killed me.
Yeah. Absolutely killed me.
And,

Speaker 1 but I, I salute you. I mean, the, the writing, I mean, I got to, I got to the privilege of doing an episode of Curb, one of the last episodes, and it was really fun.

Speaker 1 I know. I was saying I would, in between takes,

Speaker 1 I'd go and we would chat in between takes. And it was so funny because my experience was Larry's the same.
It's not like Anne cut

Speaker 1 and Larry drops it. If you can get a bite to eat with Larry or Larry's been over to my house

Speaker 1 at a Christmas party and he's like,

Speaker 1 You ever noticed

Speaker 1 and he's doing the same stuff and he's being the same guy. And you think, I'm just waiting for the womp, womp, wump, womp,

Speaker 1 he is the same person.

Speaker 3 He He is the same.

Speaker 1 So he actually just built a show around who he is.

Speaker 3 Exactly. And

Speaker 3 he's always Larry David. Like, I asked him when I got married if he would do a speech.
And of course, he was like, Yeah, Ka, you know, ruined my golf game that day. Yeah, no, I can't do it.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, it's so Larry David. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've noticed one thing I've noticed about him is if he's really laughing,

Speaker 1 his teeth move, but his jaw doesn't in a weird way. So he'll be going like,

Speaker 1 and he's not doing a bit.

Speaker 3 No, it's like a little Jerry Mahoney.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like a little, it's like a little ventriloquist stall.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the first time I saw him doing, I thought, is he making fun of me? No, that's how he laughs. It is.
And he was making fun of me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But he does have a great laugh, doesn't he? A great laugh.

Speaker 3 Yeah. When you make him laugh, there is no better feeling in the world.

Speaker 1 Yes. It's a very nice thing.

Speaker 1 I'll experience it one day.

Speaker 3 And you were great on the show.

Speaker 1 Oh, thank you. Yes.
Yeah. I had a lot of fun.
I like whenever there's an opportunity for me to be

Speaker 1 doing the episode of Curb. I looked over the script and I realized, oh, I see what this is.
The assignment is, because there's a lot of improvising too. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Whatever Larry wants, make sure he doesn't get it.

Speaker 1 And that is the essence of Curb, which is a lot of times he wants something.

Speaker 1 Is it okay if I just, and someone will say like, well, no, actually, it's, it's two per customer and that would be a third just deny him the thing that he wants don't give him what he wants so with me it was just is it okay if I

Speaker 1 can we hang out and I'm like you don't have clearance don't give it to him and anything he would then they were just riffing and he's asking me about my dog and shut down everything he wants.

Speaker 1 Just be a dick. Yeah.
And who knew I could be a dick?

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's called acting.

Speaker 4 You were being method all these years.

Speaker 1 Right? You were preparing for this role. I was preparing for this role of Conan O'Brien,

Speaker 1 which I think I did really well.

Speaker 1 I wonder if you're not.

Speaker 3 Oh, sorry. Oh, go ahead.
His genius that he would take things

Speaker 3 like he and Larry from Seinfeld, they always loved real-life ideas. And Larry loved it on curb.

Speaker 3 So when I pitched to him this true story that I had this great fold-up umbrella that I loved, like it just opened perfectly and closed. And I just, and then I lost it.
And I thought I lost it.

Speaker 3 It was from the Omni Dallas hotel.

Speaker 3 And I thought I left it at a Japanese restaurant. So of course I went back and the owner was like, you know, I was like, have you seen a black fold-up umbrella?

Speaker 3 It's like, yeah, I have 3,000 of them back here.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but mine says Omni Dallas.

Speaker 1 And it was like,

Speaker 3 no, we don't have that.

Speaker 3 But the genius of Larry David is is he creates that he's in a fight with the owner of the Japanese restaurant so that not only can he not get the umbrella back, but then it becomes also about, well, it's really the Omni Dallas's umbrella.

Speaker 3 So why should I give it back to you? So he takes it like six steps forward, which is brilliant.

Speaker 1 It's so oppositional. Everyone's opposed to him and he's opposed to everyone in the universe.
And

Speaker 1 it's, I think, one of the things that's magic about the show. And also you can see how much of it is the George Costanza character in Seinfeld

Speaker 1 is constantly creating his own misery

Speaker 1 in this particular way, separate from the other characters. He's creating his own misery constantly, which is very Larry.

Speaker 3 Yeah, exactly. And he really latches on to small things.

Speaker 3 Like the first time I went to pitch for Curb, I went in and my first idea was when you're a funny person, a comedian, and a regular person, you tell something funny, say something funny, and someone goes, but um,

Speaker 3 to it, how much you hate that? Yeah, you know, it's so insulting. And Larry Ameat was like, Yes, yes, I like that, you know.

Speaker 1 So, um, so we use that to me. It's like

Speaker 1 if you came up with a comedy idea and someone would go like, yeah, that's cute.

Speaker 1 That

Speaker 1 that was

Speaker 1 like being shot in the groin

Speaker 1 and not in a good way.

Speaker 1 I want to make sure that

Speaker 1 I talk about this because you've written a book which could be of help to people, which is How to Write a Funny Speech.

Speaker 1 You say for a wedding, Bar Mitzvah graduation, and every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place. Yes.
And your foreword is by none other than Carol Burnett. How did you pull that off?

Speaker 1 Carol Burnett.

Speaker 3 Well, you know, I've written for Carol. I wrote for her 50th anniversary show, her 90th birthday special.
And so I've got to know her casually.

Speaker 3 And she's amazing.

Speaker 1 She's a magical person.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, isn't she? So

Speaker 3 I reached out to her and I said,

Speaker 3 you know, I have this book. And if you would be kind enough to write the forward.
And of course, approaching somebody like that, I'm always with, but if you can't do it, I totally understand.

Speaker 3 No problem. No harm, no foul.
And she was like, yeah, send me the book. So this is on a Friday.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Sunday, she calls me. She goes, I read the book.
I loved it. I'm happy to write the forward.

Speaker 1 I mean, who does that? Would not be me.

Speaker 1 What is this about again? Conan, we've talked seven times.

Speaker 1 No, it's really lovely that you got her to do it. And the advice in here is very smart, good advice for people.
I think about how to be funny.

Speaker 1 If you're going to give a speech, the most important is length. Yes.
And I can't tell you how many times I have witnessed someone, they get their laugh

Speaker 1 and you're like, good, good. And then they keep going.
And you're like, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 You're you, Adrian Brody.

Speaker 1 Just witnessed that on the, I was backstage at the Oscars. And I so wanted to, I thought, it's late in the day.
Don't be a dick.

Speaker 1 So wanted to go out there and say, you thought, you thought the Brutalist was long.

Speaker 1 It would have been such a, it was just such a softball hanging there. And I thought, ah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. How close were you to?

Speaker 1 Very close. I can't see where you.

Speaker 1 For a second, I almost said that speech needed an intermission.

Speaker 1 But then I thought, oh, I'm going to see him in a minute. And don't.

Speaker 1 He'll get

Speaker 1 his payback's coming from the world.

Speaker 1 People telling him for the rest of his life, why? Why?

Speaker 3 But what you said, you know when people get up and tell a speech, do a speech, and they don't say who they are. They just start talking about the person.

Speaker 3 And you're you're sitting there three minutes in, going, Is this his aunt? Is this a teacher? Who is this to this person?

Speaker 3 I mean, it's just important to get up there and go, Hi, I'm Anne Betty, and I've known so-and-so since they were born. You know, just something is something that gives you a connection.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I always get up if I'm giving a speech and say, I was this person's lover.

Speaker 1 It's often not true, but it just gets you right away.

Speaker 3 That is a great opening line.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we were lovers.

Speaker 1 It was a very sexual and sensual relationship.

Speaker 1 And, but I mean, I've noticed something that a lot of people, it's a whole generational thing, they read off their phone,

Speaker 1 which I find a little off-putting. I don't like anything.
I don't like it either. And I've seen people do it at, I mean, serious, big, like, there's a casket there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And someone's like, well, my father. And they're like, wait a minute, I'm getting a text.

Speaker 1 It's weird.

Speaker 3 It is weird.

Speaker 3 You know, part of the advice we give in the book, you can't, you don't have to memorize it. You know, just if you have a card, have some bullet points.
Yes.

Speaker 3 But also, you know, practice it in front of someone who's going to be at the event that knows the person. That's a good idea too.
But reading is, yeah, that's a big turn off.

Speaker 1 Also, leave room space, like have ideas of what you want to say, but leave space for

Speaker 1 what's happened in the last 10 minutes. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 So that I was, I'm looking around for, okay, I think I know what I'm going to do, but if a coffee urn exploded two minutes ago,

Speaker 1 that's, don't just lock into, nope, this is what I wrote last night.

Speaker 1 Make room for the coffee urn. Yeah, be in the moment.
Be in the moment. And

Speaker 1 people react. to that so beautifully.

Speaker 1 Humans know when something real is happening. I don't know how they, I like humans.
These humans I've encountered in my time here on Earth, but they do.

Speaker 1 They know when something organic is happening and they can also sense

Speaker 1 when it's not.

Speaker 3 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 We have a lot of jokes in there, jokes to steal for the events, but the beginning, middle, and end, it's really not all that difficult.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
People can make it harder than it actually is. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And look at it. It's handy, right? Small.
It's not a giant tome.

Speaker 1 It's not a tome. No.

Speaker 1 This is not a Torah.

Speaker 1 What's the stick that you read with?

Speaker 3 Hey, thank you for the Jewish reference.

Speaker 1 Well, I said the stick.

Speaker 1 So I don't think I get a lot of what? Adam! The what? The Yad. The Yad?

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 Yep, fellow Jew in the group.

Speaker 1 How to Write a Funny Speech for a Wedding, Bar Mits for Graduation, and Every Other Event You Didn't Want to Go to in the First Place with a forward by Carol Burnett.

Speaker 1 And it actually is a very helpful book. And this was nice to to get a chance to sit down with you and talk to you because

Speaker 1 you're such a fixture in the comedy business that in all the best ways that I'm constantly seeing you and we're crossing each other in busy hallways and there are showgirls and people dressed as horses and you know, yeah, people dressed as German soldiers and you're on in five minutes.

Speaker 1 Hey, Carol, how's it going? Hi, Conan. And we pass each other.
So it's this is really lovely that we got to do that.

Speaker 3 And you know what? I wanted to say, because I would be remiss if I didn't. I mean, to host the Oscars is really a tough gig.
It's really, really tough.

Speaker 3 But I will tell your audience that beforehand, when I went to wish you luck,

Speaker 3 you were so, you said, you know what? I just want to have fun out there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And you did. And that was the thing.

Speaker 1 That was the mission was obviously do a lot of work beforehand and prepare. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I was determined to, I mean, it actually is the thing that's helped me a lot on the podcast and the late night shows over the years is I learned a long time ago, if I'm having fun, it's going to work.

Speaker 1 So I can't contrive that. I just have to figure out situations and things to say that I'm going to have fun doing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And put enough of those together where I will have fun. And if I'm having fun, people will start to have fun.
Absolutely. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So you really weren't all that nervous going out.

Speaker 1 I'd say I had.

Speaker 2 It's yours.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Oh.

Speaker 1 I'm getting a text right now.

Speaker 1 No, it's a spam call. I don't know why I,

Speaker 1 and it's all turned off, by the way. I don't know why it made a noise.

Speaker 2 It was vibrating.

Speaker 1 Oh, right. I put it on vibrate so I have a sensual experience.

Speaker 1 I'm not on you, though.

Speaker 1 It doesn't have to be at this age. Just

Speaker 1 hearing something vibrate gets me all hot and bothered.

Speaker 1 But no, I'd be lying if I said I... did a lot of preparation, but when the time comes to watch and they patch, they tap you to go out, let's just say you're focused.

Speaker 1 I'm not a nervous wreck, but I am very aware

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 you go into that tunnel vision, which I'm sure, I mean, you've had a million times. When it's time to go, I don't think nervous is the right word for it.
Right.

Speaker 1 Because I'm nervous when I go to the dentist. Yeah.
It's a different feeling. It's a real intense,

Speaker 1 everything

Speaker 1 narrows. Everything narrows to like a pinpoint of light.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, congratulations on the book.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 1 And thank you so much for coming. Oh, and come on.
We'll come on back.

Speaker 1 We have a lot to talk about. We do.
We're sort of of a lot to talk about. I know.

Speaker 1 How come I'm the only one not talking like this?

Speaker 1 Just you haven't heard a small scroll.

Speaker 1 Colonel Bryan Needs a Friend is brought to you by Airbnb. I've taken a few trips in the past where I got a place through Airbnb.
I've mentioned this before, lovely experience. I think I do it again.

Speaker 1 I love it. It makes me feel so comfortable when I'm in a home that I get on Airbnb.
Well, you've done this a lot, haven't you, Blay? I have.

Speaker 1 And actually, Eduardo and I tomorrow are going to Austin, and I'm trying to get him to stay with me in a house that I got on Airbnb. I don't know about sharing a spot with you.
Well, he's very loud.

Speaker 1 He's very loud. And he always has to bring his figurines with him.

Speaker 1 They're emotional support figurines. Yeah, but the great thing about getting a place through Airbnb, and I've done this in several cities, I like just feeling like, okay, this is my own space.

Speaker 1 I can do my thing. You're traveling.
Why not enjoy it? Yeah. Well, thank you.
Yeah, you're so nice of you.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Eduardo. Don't go with him.

Speaker 1 The other thing, and this would be a cool little detail for both of you, is if you're not using your place, you could list that on Airbnb. It's true.
It's a terrific way to make some money.

Speaker 1 It's a terrific way to travel. So your home might be worth more than you think.
Find out how much at airbnb.com/slash host.

Speaker 1 You know me? I love to travel.

Speaker 1 Travel the world. I do it, you know, professionally for my travel show, but I also just like to, sometimes with my wife, go and visit a foreign land and try their different cuisines.

Speaker 1 Enjoy the world. Travel is just better with D-Mobile.
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Speaker 1 I use my Wi-Fi a lot when I'm on a plane. Me too.
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Speaker 1 data and texting in over 215 countries and so many more. I don't have time to mention it.
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Speaker 2 I didn't even know there were 215 countries.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's just, well,

Speaker 1 it's not sad. It's not even surprising.

Speaker 1 Anyway, all this just means it doesn't cost 50 bucks to tell your producer that you're lost somewhere in, I don't know, Madagascar, the Maldives, Mesopotamia, Miami.

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Speaker 1 We pride ourselves on professionalism here

Speaker 1 at the podcast. And you think I'm being, you know, foolish.
Some of us are less professional than others.

Speaker 1 The acne of professionalism, the height of professionalism here, I would have to say is Matt Gorley. He's a pro.
He's a real pro.

Speaker 1 I didn't think that was coming that way. No, no, you are.
You are. You are.

Speaker 1 You, no.

Speaker 1 I'm not even going to go there. But anyway, Matt puts the whole thing together.
You come in. You're always on time.
You know what's going on.

Speaker 1 You hold this whole thing together. And I say that.
I'm not kidding. You really do.

Speaker 1 You are The maestro. So when you showed up late today, I got worried.
Because whenever you watch it. No, you didn't.
Whenever you.

Speaker 1 What's just for the pretend.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 I think you mean you got excited.

Speaker 1 There are similar emotions.

Speaker 1 They're both a form of excitement. Okay.
There are subsets. But I...

Speaker 1 Wait, Matt's late? That never happens. And in any crime documentary, when the punctual person is late, it means they've been murdered.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So mine went to a dark place, which is, look, if Sona's late, it's like, oh, well, another crazy night for Sona. Oh, my God.
Well, whatever. You know, she'll be here.
She'll stumble in at some point.

Speaker 1 But I was concerned. I was concerned.
And you, sir,

Speaker 1 say you have a tale to tell. Oh, yes.
But speaking of tale, we had a cat emergency. Okay, what happened? Well, this is not the first time this has happened, but our cat, Margo, the fat guy, has

Speaker 1 some digestive issues as she gets into her later years. And so.
how old is this cat? She's

Speaker 1 13.

Speaker 1 13. She's gorgeous, though.

Speaker 1 Here's a grumpy photo of her with a hemorrhoid donut on her head because she couldn't chew her one of her. It's a very good-looking cat.
Yeah. And she's grumpy.
It might be time. Age is just a number.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 It might be time. Wow.
At 13? How dare you? No, no. Some cats can get way up there.
They can go to 20. Yeah.
Okay. Well, let's hear how's she doing? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 man.

Speaker 1 Well, this is the third time, unfortunately, we've had to give her an enema, not personally. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 So she has to go to the vet because she's, first of all, she's psychotic and she's obsessed with food. So if we don't feed her in the morning, she meows incessantly until we wake up and do it.

Speaker 1 So then we got an automated feeder that would dispense dry food, but that constipated her. And that's when we had to give her these enemas.

Speaker 1 Now we finally found this wet food automatic feeder where you could load it the night before and it has ice packs. And so she'll sit there and stare at it all night long until it goes up.

Speaker 1 But she doesn't bother us, but she still got constipated. And when we get-Can you get,

Speaker 1 wait, can you? Oh, go ahead. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 Well, she gets constipated, and so we're on like 24-hour poop watch, hoping she'll poop. And it goes, you know, sometimes it'll go a few days, and we start to get really worried.

Speaker 1 So we take her to the vet and they want to give her an enema. But what that means is she comes home and she's just like, like if a toothpaste tube was missing the top.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 I told you this was disgusting, and you still wanted to do it. There's leakage, unbelievable leakage.

Speaker 1 And she also does this thing that we call tuttie scooching, where she sits on her butt and pops her hind legs up in the air and pulls herself with her front legs and just scoots along the floor, whether it be hardwood or rug or whatever.

Speaker 1 Do you remember those old toys that you used to draw with a wax crayon on a like mat, and then you'd put a car and the car would follow the wax crayon? No, I don't. No, me neither.

Speaker 1 I don't remember that toy.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. You grew up in the 1910s, I believe.

Speaker 1 I'm just remembering. I'm remembering that.
And then you were trapped in ice for a while, and then we melted you, and you killed me.

Speaker 1 The same way that people knew what I was talking about with ink, a bink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink. They'll know what this is.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, so some days we'll come home and there's just this like

Speaker 1 trail around the house. Didn't you have an okey shit story?

Speaker 4 Yeah, like once. This isn't a regular judging?

Speaker 1 Excuse me. I'm just keeping a cat alive.
I am a kid. The worm that you tried to kill, by the way.

Speaker 2 Maybe, maybe it's time.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 You need to stop that right now. This cat is my life.
This is the only being in my household that acknowledges, that gives me any attention. Okay.

Speaker 1 The other two are off on their own all the time. This cat loves me, sits on my lap.
We're bonded. And you want to take this from me? Hey, I have a question.

Speaker 1 Because you guys are busy. She's sitting on your lap.
No, she's not. She's making jokes.
I'm trying to come up with a solution. I'm sorry.

Speaker 4 There's leakage.

Speaker 1 Not when she's on my lap. There are pet diapers.
Are there such a thing for cats? Margo would just never tolerate it.

Speaker 1 She would rip it off. She's insane.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Vet tried to put her on Prozac. Oh, boy.
And what happened there? We didn't do it. Why not?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Dope that cat up.
That cat should be on.

Speaker 1 That cat should be on Lorazepan. I know.
We figured out.

Speaker 1 That cat should be like...

Speaker 1 That cat should be on the white lotus,

Speaker 1 chunked up on Lorazepan. I know.
Like Parker Posey, you know,

Speaker 1 that cat should be stumbling around in a really expensive Bangkok

Speaker 1 hotel going, oh my god,

Speaker 1 one time she ate chocolate and oh, great. This should go well.

Speaker 1 Once, I don't know what happened. We gave her a large flare.

Speaker 1 She got it. She gets into everything.
She will eat vegetables. She'll eat anything.
And she went to the bathroom in a closet that was so disgusting. Oh, geez.

Speaker 1 And by then, I hadn't remodeled it so where the floorboards met the wall, there was like a half-inch crack.

Speaker 1 And I remember just, it was so disgusting that I just put, I disinfected it, but I put baseboards on there and caulked it all up. You feel the end of that house.

Speaker 1 Just like the bodies in the pool in Poltergeist, someone's going to open these house.

Speaker 1 You left that for a future homeowner.

Speaker 1 Sweetie, it's our new home.

Speaker 1 Hey, sweetie. Happy 2055.

Speaker 1 We're both young, and

Speaker 1 I'm expecting, and we're moving into our own house since the Gorley murders.

Speaker 1 I can't believe a woman beat her husband to death with his own tuba.

Speaker 1 Hey, let's start prying up the baseboard so we can begin the remodeling.

Speaker 1 It's come to life by that point.

Speaker 4 What the shits?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, God.
It's a demon.

Speaker 2 Is this just part of your life now? This leakage is just what it is.

Speaker 1 Maybe every, maybe once a year, this seems to be. Oh, that's not so bad.
No, but it's harrowing when it does happen. She's just this oddity.
One time we were living in a second-story apartment, and

Speaker 1 she was so big that she would sit on the ledge that it started bulging out the screen on the window. And then

Speaker 1 she fell out the window, but rode the screen down.

Speaker 1 Like, remember in Temple of Doom when they ride the raft out of the airplane? She wrote the screen down, and I looked down there, and she was just fine. She was just fine.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. She's insane.

Speaker 1 Wow. Maybe it's time.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No. It's easy to do.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, listen.
And the cat's name is, so we can argue Margot the Fat Guy. Yeah.
Okay, that's gender confusion. Margot the Fat Guy is a lady cat.

Speaker 4 Is she fat?

Speaker 1 Yes, she comes and goes. Right now, she's because she's a little constipated.
Although after today, she's lost some weight. Oh, man.
Well, please, if you're out there, pray, pray, pray.

Speaker 1 We'll take them. There's a lot going on in the world, but this should be the priority: Margot the Fat Guy.
She's fine now. She's fine, I should mention.

Speaker 1 When she's in her sweet spot, you know, on my lap, there's nothing better. I wouldn't put that thing on my lap for a million dollars.
Start scooching around using my knee as toilet paper. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Then I come to work and people think I shit my knee.

Speaker 1 Hey, you shit your knee, Conan. Why did I agree to talk about this? Why did I agree to talk about this? All right, well, whatever.

Speaker 1 We wish you all the best.

Speaker 1 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Session, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Speaker 1 Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.

Speaker 1 Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Speaker 1 Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

Speaker 1 You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

Speaker 1 It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at seriousxm.com slash Conan.

Speaker 1 And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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