The Conan and Jordan Show – Painting The Barn

uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich i mean we've been thinking that why does he'll say it right sona yeah like who needs a crust you've been saying that since the day i met you 15 years ago sona you said who needs the crust and i said first of all my name's conan you know anyway it's the perfect grab and go for all of life's moments with unbeatable soft bread and variety of flavors It was like, well, peanut butter and grape jelly,

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Maybe their archetypal song. Yeah.
Why did you have to glance at the logo that said the Conan O'Jordan show when you said the name of the show? Do you forget the name of it? You didn't know it either. If you play that back, you just said Conan O'Jordan show.
So you don't know it either. Maybe you should look at the screen next time.
All right. If know, if you're going to call me on the title of the show.
Sure. You better have it right.
Right. I looked at it because sometimes I need confirmation that I agreed to do this.
I see. And there it is.
Okay. And it's got a lot of your favorite things, a Vespa.
I can't even identify some of them. I understand the pizza, wine the grapes the vespa is that a lemon

behind uh the meatballs what's the yellow those are me i didn't know what those were that looks like orange chicken that looks like general chow's chicken that's what i thought it was and i thought i didn't know you love general chow's i think so i think frank told me it was meatballs but i still don't know is that a lemon coming from behind the meatball i honestly don't know what that is okay I think it's a gooma.

Jordan?

Yes.

Pete? coming from behind the meatball i honestly don't know what that is okay i never had the i think it's a guma um jordan yes uh people i don't want to say they enjoy our chemistry okay there's no proof that that's the case right but we do have a chemical reaction between us which is quite unusual i've never had a relationship with anyone in my entire life i've met kings queens, queens, courtesans. I've never met anybody quite like you.
You're an unusual fellow. We fight, we bicker, but I think beneath it all, we really do hate each other.
And there's no other show like this. People love our interactions.
Whenever I walk around in the world, people say, hey, where's Jordan? How's he doing? Is he for real? That's when I get a lot. Is he for real? And I'm not sure.
You might be a hallucination. This could be like the end of Fight Club where I realized you never existed, or maybe I don't exist and you're imagining me.
It's one of those things. It's a real mind blower.
One of of us is imagining the other or maybe neither of us is imagining no one anyway that was a lot of a lot of what we call filler in the business he has a clip oh jordan jordan brought a clip with him today okay you brought a clip i did okay yeah i spotted a paparazzo video of you you are in fact an a-list celebrity and from time to time yeah from time to time you're confronted by paparazzi out in the world and i saw this one a while ago and you're look you're in new york city walking by what i assume might be central park south somewhere in the vicinity of central park central park south 59th street for those that are unfamiliar. You see this paparazzo standing there.
Paparazzi. Yeah.
And, you know, in that moment, he's not even asking you a question. The question becomes in your mind, what do you do? How do you handle? How do you react? And the way I interpret it is you make a conscious decision.
Okay, I see this paparazzo there. Nothing new.
It must happen frequently. I'm just going to continue walking, going about my day.
Right. But your brain is very conscious of the fact that now you're deliberately walking with purpose.
Now, listen, you're a man with good posture. I myself am not.
And I've always appreciated that about you. You stand very erect.
Okay. Now, a lot of taller people have a problem with good posture because they feel insecure about their height and they're even subconsciously trying to shrink down a bit.
But you, you own it. I've always appreciated that.
Now, in this particular moment, and I've seen you walk many times over many years in this particular moment, I'm convinced that your mind is so deliberate about I'm going to walk confidently. You pass the camera, you start, you're coming at him and you pass.
And then there's a shot of your ass walking away and your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side because you're, you're walking with such purpose. Now, listen, you have a high rider.
You always have your ass. If one were to categorize different asses, they do fall into general.
Everyone has a unique ass. I'm not trying to diminish anybody's uniqueness.
But what I'm saying is there are general categories and yours is you'll call your ass flat. But to me, the flatness is not the most significant characteristic.
You have a high rider. It rides high up on your legs and that has a very specific look.
And when you're walking away from this man's camera with such confidence, such deliberate confidence, your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side. It's a saunter.
It is the perfect representation of a saunter. And in that moment, I don't know if you were feeling a sexuality in you, in your confidence, but I'm telling you, your ass and your pants are very form-fitting as well.
I remember the days when, as a tall man, you found it hard to buy jeans that were long enough. And and then you found a guy to start custom making your jeans and your pants are so well fitted now.
They're really hugging those ass cheeks. And and I just think it's remarkable.
I think we should acknowledge your ass, the behavior of your ass as you're walking away from camera in this paparazzo video. Would you like that to go on any longer before I interrupt you? Or are you done? I said what I needed to say.
Okay. I don't recall this.
In general, it looks like it's springtime. Maybe fall.
Who can say? Maybe about 49 weeks ago. Somewhere around May 17th, 2024.
2024 okay i'm guessing there's a date on this yeah yeah and um we live in an era now where uh people have cameras out all the time they have there's paparazzo cameras but there's also just people with iphones whatever so uh you get less self-conscious about it over time uh i think i don't think i'm that much affected by this person you're saying you would be walking like that again you haven't seen this footage uh oh but i know how i walk i walk okay here's what i'll tell you you've walked with me i walk very quickly i walk with purpose. I do have very good posture.
None other than Steve Martin once in a note to me, talked to me about my posture. Fascinating.
And said, pointed out that my posture was so good that it distracted him from whatever I was saying. Meaning that he thought my posture was much more impressive than my comedy.
and I do think it's

possible meaning that he thought my posture was much more impressive than my comedy uh and um i do think it's possible that i'm trying to this is my way of coming on to whoever's uh photographing me that maybe i'm putting a little english on the ass i think you were i've never seen your ass move like this and i've seen your ass move many times and you're you're you keep on my ass. It presents itself to me.
I'm not looking for it and I'm not looking away from it. My ass presents itself to you.
Yes, it presents itself to me in certain situations. I never expect it to, but sometimes there it is.
Like I say, I don't turn toward or away. If it falls into my field of vision, if I'm looking this way and your ass moves there, I'm not going to look away from it.
You're saying much like a baboon. I use my ass to attract you.
You know what? A baboon is a perfect analogy. And a baboon, when a baboon's ass becomes quite red, they present it.
And presenting the ass is maybe the most primordial form of a sexual come on.

Yeah.

I honestly don't think you meant to be sexual, but I've never seen your ass move like this.

And I know you were walking with a determined sense of confidence.

And it manifested in your ass cheeks, gyrating from left to right.

Should we look at it?

Roll the tape.

Sure.

How's it going?

Good to see you.

Yeah, good to see you too.

I don't see a lot of gyrating going on there do you see how like there is that see there are two diagonal creases primary diagonal creases edwardo do you want to jump in the pants do you see a lot of undulation of ass i don't know what to say uh you can say whatever no i just see a normal person walking yeah i don't see i don't see what you see okay so there are two diagonal creases primary diagonal creases in the pants and as you walk you know what this is this is this is the zapruder film i would have to see the opposite of that to be able to compare you can't identify the variable but can i say something this is the zapruder film meaning uh a lone assassin theorist like myself looks at it and goes yeah that's oswald getting off three shots and two of them hit yeah but you show the exact same footage to a conspiracy theorist and they see 15 gunshots and people with arrows and parachutists and all kinds of stuff i uh i don't know how not to walk like that you know i don't know how to for that not to happen right for one buttock not to be moving independently the other you would have to sew my buttocks shut and i would have to be on some kind of electric scooter where my legs are immobile. Yeah.
That's the only way you could achieve the non-undulation. Yeah.
That's the only way that could happen. I have confidence in my observational skills and I'm familiar with your ass.
I don't. You say you're familiar with my ass.
Obviously something jumped out at me about this particular way your ass was moving. I immediately sent it to Frank.
Okay. I'm going to stand.
Okay. You can take the headphones off.
Well, I want to keep them on just so I can hear. All right.
This is me wearing. So, yeah.
All right. So I'm walking.
Yeah. Now, you had me.
Yeah. Mike, that's what I'm talking about.
You see, I didn't see. You had this happening.
I didn't see the, you see these two diagonal creases right here. I, and they they have a i didn't see that until you started sticking your ass out right now when you first started doing it i just saw a big blob of fabric was this an excuse to touch me you didn't need to touch me you just touched the back of my hands that's how they do it at the tsa that's not that doesn't count the front of the hands counts the back of the hands doesn't count Look at his maniacal puts.
No, that's's how they do it at the TSA. Look at his maniacal puts.
Whenever you start to lose it, you get crazy eyes. You get crazy eyes.
Oh, so you go on a subway and you take the backs of your hands and you touch women's asses and then say, hey, TSA! TSA! TSA in the USA, that's what you do? I am telling you, it is very asexual to touch anything with the back of your hands.

That's not true.

I think some of the most erotic moments of my life

have been with the back of my hands.

What are you talking about?

How would you ever in a sexual situation

use the back of your hands?

What are you talking about?

I use the back of my hands all the time in a sexual way.

It's kind of intuitive.

You haven't done that?

No, there's nothing you can do to anything.

It's called painting the house.

What you do is you brush the woman

Thank you. I use the back of my hands all the time in a sexual way.
No, it's counterintuitive. It's completely- You haven't done that? No, there's nothing you can do to anything.
It's called painting the house. What you do is you brush the woman or I'm going to say, listen, we live in a culture where it could be a woman, a guy on a guy, whatever.
It doesn't matter to me, woman on woman. What I'm saying is I have often used that motion.
I've often used the back of my hand. The difference between the front of the hand and the back of the hand is immense.
Not true. It's not subtle.
It is not subtle. Old wives' tale.
There's more nerve endings on the back of your hand. No, that's ridiculous.
And guess what? Just the psychological? The most erogenous zone, and this is a true fact, it was in Men's Health three months ago, look it up. Yeah.
Ryan Reynolds is on the cover, is the back of the hand and the knuckles are the most erogenous zone on the body

more so

than any other part of the body

true story

can you imagine

if you were gifted

a sexual experience

with someone

you were incredibly attracted to

Bridget Bardot

Bridget Bardot

1958

1958

but the rule was

you could only use the back

that would be my request

that would be my request

you cannot do anything

you want

with the back of your hands

my request

what a horrible frustrating way

to leave somebody hanging. That's not true.
What are you talking about? You've never even tried it. No, what are you talking about? You haven't tried it.
Of course I haven't tried it. How do you know what you're talking about? You're missing out on this.
The greatest sexual high is using the erogenous zone. The primary erogenous zones of the body are the left and right back of hands.
And do you know that the knuckles, the knuckles were thought of by the Greeks as the center of eroticism. Do you know what ruined orgasms are? Do you know this sexual genre? What's it called? Ruined orgasms.
Do you mean ruined? Yeah, ruined. You just said ruined.
That's the same thing. Are you losing your mind? Look at your eyebrows.
Forget about ruined. Hey, Riddler, your eyebrows are going off the charts.
Listen to me. Do you know about ruined orgasms? It's a sexual fetish.
Do you understand? It's when you, it's when, I want to say this in a tasteful way. When someone is going to have an orgasm.
Yeah. But someone to but at the critical moment the sexual stimulation stops yes now it's too late to stop the orgasm but you're not enjoying the orgasm but people love that to me what do you mean they love it who loves it i'm saying people are into it and it's called can i say it the correct way ruined ruins or is that a new york thing when you say ruined i don't know that's the way i say it ruined i've never Ruin.
Ruins orgasms. Is that a New York thing when you say ruined? I don't know.
That's the way I say it. Ruins.
I've never said ruined. I'm from New York.
I have a problem. But what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, that to me is another untapped sexual genre of you can be with anyone you want.
You can do anything you want. Like a woman says, take me.
Do whatever you want, but only use the back of your hand. that's incredibly frustrating that's like you ruins the experience well i'd say i more think you ruined it but i i disagree with you and i think you're you're berating something you haven't tried and i suggest that you go home tonight talk about it with your wife and say that you want to paint the barn and that's called that that's using the back of the hands and uh just try it but i don't see you've read into this conan paparazzi footage of me walking and it's it's nonsense it's nonsensical um and i think i'm glad that eduardo spoke up there's no there's no there there you're seeing you're lost in a mystical world of my ass yeah and you've and you can't find your way out like any things that aren't like any great piece of media or art we're all uh allowed our own interpretations eduardo i appreciate the way he sees it i appreciate the way i see it okay if you ever touch me again front or back of hand okay i'll pound you okay yes i'll pound your face to clay understood okay yeah you never do that or you ask first with the tsa it's understood that this is gonna how would I have asked.
You would have said, may I now touch you? Yeah. Never do that.
Or you ask first. With the TSA, it's understood that this is going to happen.

How would I have asked?

You would have said, may I now touch you?

Okay.

And I've said no.

Okay, I should have said that.

Yeah.

I don't disagree.

I've always believed that your home should be an expression of who you are.

That was my mom.

I have that like tattooed on my low back. Oh, wow.
I could have had so many things tattooed down there. And that's what I chose.
Down there. Yeah.
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That's cool. I love saying it.
I know, I could tell. Ask me my status.
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And this magenta status sounds amazing.

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What's it entail?

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Summertime. I love to hang out with my pals, my bros.
Yeah, you do. You know me, right? Yeah, I know you.
And when I think of you, I think of bros. Yeah.
A bunch of us get on our hogs, our choppers. Yep.
We go up the coast, driving around, cruising with my gang. Yeah.
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On the train track? Yeah. And I've got my Miller Lite with me.

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As you know,

the new season,

Max Travel Series,

Conan O'Brien Must Go,

is coming out season number two.

Yes.

And we are,

it'll be three episodes. And you are a part of that journey um i i people love the fans love it when you come along and make an appearance uh we went to austria together yes this is going to be seen by people i don't know exactly when this drops but i'm assuming it's it's out because it's coming out very soon uh and people can watch.
It was a lot of fun. Did you enjoy Austria? Yes, I love...
Do you call it Austria? Do you call it Austerlitz? Österreich. Pardon me? Österreich.
You okay? Yeah. Gesundheit.
Thank you. I did.
I had a great time. You and I had many moments even off camera.
I do believe that these experiences bring two human souls closer together. They give us, they put us in a situation where we flourish long after the trip has ended.
It's funny how you always need to point out that we are human beings. It's completely, that's just wasted verbiage.
That's packing peanuts. Well, it's perspective give perspective and i speak the way i speak you may not understand all my motivations but they are very deliberate i like to paint a picture you know we we are looking down on ourselves in that moment we are human trust me i am looking down on you right now okay uh jordan um we went to uh vienna yeah i had not been to vienna before what a beautiful city yeah incredible and you're a man of many tastes uh you appreciate different cultures and vienna i saw you really come alive in vienna oh yeah um and i i wish i hadn't but i did you were uh you love your wiener schnitzel yes i do and you had wiener schnitzel I did, yeah.
And you wanted to try the Wienerschnitzel in every restaurant. That's right.
It is a, I don't know how else to say it, it's a chicken McNugget. It's a chicken McNugget that's been pounded a little flatter.
It's neither chicken nor a nugget. It is basically a breaded piece of white meat, whether it's veal or chicken.
They make both. I'll allow it.
But thank you, your honor. Yeah.
Appreciate it. But it was quite good.
But I found that by like night three, I was yearning for anything else. You were.
This is no exaggeration. And you kept saying, the waiter would come, and you would say, I'll have your Wienerschnitzel, sir.
And they would say, yahoo. They'd click their heels.
And I was just like, give me anything else at this point. You are 100% correct.
And I would have thought that fried meat is right up your alley. It is.
It was for a or two for no for three days in a row and like by the fourth day yeah i wanted someone to use that device that's in no country for old men oh yeah that javier bardem has it puts a bolt in your brain right i was done yeah i was done with it they also um not a lot of vegetables is that correct that's correct yeah i what happened with the vegetables did they did the vegetables flee germany at some point yeah they well they what they consider to be vegetables or potatoes which of course is a starchy vegetable doesn't give me the fiber i'm looking for i'm deliberately looking for fiber you talk about this a lot fiber is important to you it's incredibly important there's a food to me the secret to eating healthy is combining foods it's not what you eat it's what you eat together ah okay so for me there are three components of every meal and every snack i'm gonna pretend to find this interesting yes go ahead please protein carbohydrates and fiber and wow this is some new theory you've come up with this is the way i live my life fiber yeah that's the way i live my life no that's absolutely not everything that means you're gonna, you're going to have a starch, a meat or a fish, a starch, and then a vegetable. And the vegetable is where I found it challenged in Oosterreich.
I think we get a little spoiled here in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles, we have an abundanza, if you will.
Fruits, oranges. I mean, anything you want.
Yeah. It's at your nearest Whole Foods.

Yeah.

There, am I correct?

Well, I've traveled the world.

And you have to understand, too, that-

That doesn't sound pompous at all, by the way.

No, no, I've traveled the world,

and I'm not only coming from a frame of reference of Los Angeles.

I realize that there are many cultures they all eat differently.

But you have to remember, Austria, while Vienna is not in the mountains per se,

Austria is a mountainous culture, and the food of the mountains is typically meat and potatoes. That doesn't surprise me.
So you get your fiber. So things are regular.
Things move along. The trains move on time with you.
One of many reasons to include fiber. Not the only reason.
Okay. You said something interesting to me.
Yeah. You watched me when we were getting on the plane.
I think maybe coming back from Austria. And you said to me, this is true, everybody.
You walked up to me and you said, I watch you. Do you remember this? I'm surprised you remember it.
You said, I watch you. I put my stuff in the overhead compartment.
Yes. Click it shut.
I take my book out and my laptop and my journal and put it down and then sit down and you came up to me and he said i you said i watch you i watch your you said your motions and your movements yes and then you had a point what was the point um the point was uh well there's even a larger point which i've never expressed to you but um you said that i move with great with great you with grace and dignity um he said this to me he walked up to me and literally people around me are opening little bags of peanuts or asking for that and they're everyone people were listening to see this guy come up to me um and you know obviously i was i hate to say obviously but kindly hbo max had flown me first class i believe you were down where the wheel well of the plane was and you climbed up through a hatch um they wouldn't even let you in economy sure um but you've been just clinging to the wheel well because when they retract the wheel sometimes you fall out i uh into the ocean um and but you've been rescued but anyway you came me and you said, I watch you. So you had been watching me and you thought that my movements were beautiful.
Yeah. I admire you.
I go through phases in my life where I get really into something and then it kind of passes. And then maybe a few years later, it rushes like that.
Sometimes I'm listening to Rush all the time and I'm obsessed and I start watching a little bit. And then a few years go by and I don't listen.
Same thing with my feelings about you. Sometimes I'm indifferent and there'll be a year or two where I'm completely indifferent.
And then there are some times where I really feel a deep, intense admiration for you. And I don't know if it's saying more about you in that moment or me in that moment, but this is one of those moments, and I'm in the midst of it right now, where I just admire you for so many reasons.
You've had many career-based successes, even in the past year, especially, but through it all, you've maintained this grace and dignity and approachability that is just astounding to see. And I watch you when we get separated a bit, I watch you interact with other people and it's just stunning to me.
And I'm proud to know you. I find myself inspired and I feel like I can learn a lot, not from necessarily what you say, but just how you conduct yourself.
It's great to have someone like that in your life that's first of all uh i do appreciate you saying that but i remembered you specifically yeah honing in on this boring you you want to get you want to get to something you're no no no no no first of all i just exposed myself and you're like okay that's great tell me what i want to know what i took in what you said and i appreciate it but what I want to hone in on is it almost felt like you had watched me just, you said humility. Yes.
And that you had just watched me put my stuff in the overhead compartment. And I thought- That's it.
I just put some stuff in an overhead compartment. Yeah.
And you were talking like you had seen Gandhi, you know, bathe the feet of a leper. And I thought, uh, I, I, I appreciate all of this.
I really do Jordan. And we've been together a long time and I appreciate you saying that.
And I do take it in, but I thought it was, I'm, I'm, I'm sitting down in this nice airplane seat and I just put myself in the overhead compartment and you talked to me as if, uh, raised Lazarus. Yeah.
And that that felt, I have to say, a little out of place. OK, I understand you think like that.
But what I'm saying is, yes, you put your your bag in the overhead compartment. You sat, you had a window seat, had your glasses on and your hair was all messy and frazzled and you leaned your head against the window.
I think someone said something to you and you responded very politely. And I remember just thinking like, I have thoughts, I have deep thoughts in my head, chaotic thoughts.
Anyone who says I have deep thoughts doesn't have deep thoughts. So what I'm saying is- Einstein didn't go around saying, I have deep thoughts.
Yeah. People, real thinkers don't tell people, I'm thinking.
Well, guess what? I'm a thinker and I'm telling you that I'm a thinker. Okay, so there I broke the mold.
But listen saying look at the eyes what i'm saying is you can see the video when you lose it your eyebrows become losing anything i found it i found it okay maybe you have it backwards when i find it my eyebrows react accordingly so i witnessed you and i admired you in that moment and i felt that i needed to tell you even though i understand that to a normal human being these kinds of like don't say normal human being and gesture to me these kinds of human being and gesture to me, these kinds of sentiments, Eduardo, am I a normal human being in any way? No, no, there's never been anybody like me. No, you're a guy.
Grace and humility. You're a guy that would you know how I know you're a normal human being because you would do well in.
Do you know what the Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel is? I don't know what's happening. Do you know that Jennifer Hudson? She has a show.
And when the guests go to the show, the entire staff is like cheering and dancing as they walk through the hallway and they dance, too. And it shows what kind of person, what kind of brain you're dealing with, because some people flourish in those environments.
They're dancing and they're moving and they're so natural. And then some people walk through completely awkwardly.
And that would be I would be the second be the second but you would be the first you would like embrace i don't know that i'm ready for the jennifer hudson spirit tunnel no i'm saying you would you would do well and and uh some people it's it's a little cringeworthy to watch and look so this is the get the guests have to walk through the guests to get to the studio and they put it on social media i've not been asked to be on jennifer hudson's show and i like jennifer hudson i admire her but i don't think i could ever walk through a tunnel of people cheering me on it's a barometer for what kind of brains does this person have how comfortable are they in their own skin you are very comfortable in your own skin but i think i don't think i'd be comfortable in the jennifer i think you'd be very comfortable yeah show me the show me the eduardo thank you let's put up in heart here's kevin okay yeah he'll be a good if anyone was built for the jennifer hudson spirit tunnel it's jennifer it's kevin hart this is what you want i like it oh oh i see now you can how you can handle it however you want people People do different things. So you would do well.
You were probably already envisioning how you'd handle it. And I would do horribly.
This is the staff? Yeah, this is the staff. And they write a song that I think has significance to that particular person.
Hey, you know, it's interesting. Is there, how does she have any time to interview people? This is incredible.
This is, this is 45 minutes and it's still going. Wow.
That is, that is incredible. I saw Kevin Hart age during that.
He had a beard when it was over yeah he did not have at the beginning um yeah i could handle that yeah i can handle that let's see what it looks like conrad o'brien yeah see that's it that's it that's it yeah i do that for a while yeah yeah and i do some you got it i do some push-ups and that's how i guess i would uh you take it to the next level you know what i would do i would not leave the spirit tunnel right you see how long kevin hart did i would stay in for at least 20 minutes yeah and they'd be out there if you don't leave the sap has to keep going go to a commercial break come back and i'm still going and then they go to another commercial break. Other guests would be on the runway.
They never, you know, there'd be people there to talk about real things that have like the secretary of the interior. They'd have, no, nobody gets on because, and they would keep coming back and trying to get my attention to say, Conan, you've got to just stop now because, you know, Tina Fey is going to come.
Nope. I'm just keep, I just keep going.
Right. I just keep moving and grooving.
Right. I would use the spirit tunnel and turn it into an eternal hell for the viewer.
An eternal hell. Well, Jordan, I do take what you say seriously.
And, uh, and I take it to heart and you're a nice guy to say those nice things about me. Um, and, uh, you know, I think there's room for us to grow in our relationship and I hope you'll allow that growth to happen.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you. What a warm response.
Yeah. I would like to grow with you as well.
Okay. Can I, uh, bring up something about Austria? Yeah.
I understand that you were a huge fan of the water. Oh, true story.
Oh yeah. You requested requested certain waters.
Oh, yes. Voslauer.
Voslauer. So, you know, some people drink water and they think all water is the same.
Okay. Fools.
When I encounter water. Fools.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay. When I encounter water, every type of water is different.
Obviously, the biggest difference would be sparkling versus flat. But even within that, what are the size of the bubbles? You can taste differences in- A hundred percent.
Mouthfeel, taste. And I argue you can taste them too if I gave them to you side by side.
In a vacuum, maybe you can't tell the difference. I have to say I might be a little bit of a dummy when it comes to water.
So you think- I know bad water, meaning, oh, this is water out of a tap and they put too much chlorine or the pipes are rusty. I know that, but I don't think I know one water from another water.
You know your waters? Well, I know what waters I like. So one of the most defining characteristics about water is how many total dissolved solids are in them, expressed in parts per million, also known as TDS.
So you've got your average, like average, maybe Avion has 150 parts per million TDS. And that's very comfortable.
It doesn't leach your minerals, nor does it really enhance your body. And then you have very like waters like Voss, the Norwegian water, which has great packaging and everything like that.
But it's got like a very low TDS. And then you've got like a Gerolsteiner from Germany with a very high TDS.
You drink a liter of this and you have like a quarter of your day's requirement of calcium. So there's a water in Austria called Vosslauer.
And unfortunately, it's not imported into the United States. But whenever I go to Austria, to me, that's a huge draw to be able to order a Vosslauer.
And. And you had Wolfslauer too, because that's what people drink.
I don't know. I had some water.
That's what I'm saying. That's what it does to me.
I had water and I don't, I did not drop the glass and go, oh, I'm a gotten him. Yes, that's right.
What is this? I didn't do that. You know, I watch you drinking it and I think to myself.
Why are you always watching me? All of your stories are you in a corner with your hands in your pants watching me. Yeah, that's right.
What the hell are you doing? You're watching me on the paparazzi? But the rest is correct. Yeah, I watch you drinking that Voslauer and I'm thinking, that jackass.
He doesn't even realize what he's drinking. He's just shoveling it down.
You just saw a donkey at the trough, didn't you? Yeah, that's exactly what I saw. All right, well, let's do it.
Let's get this going. We're going to do a little blind taste test.
Oh, I'm sorry if I was keeping you. No, no, no, not at all.
Okay, all right. Why don't you put this blindfold on and let's see if you can tell your Wolfslauer from your schrude, Neiden.
Would you like, yeah. Oh my God, what a kooky.
You cackling chimp. What are you doing to him? Just put his.
I probably don't need the headphones because again, we're in very close proximity. Yeah, why do we need the headphones? Oh, it doesn't matter.
Keep them on. You're sure you can't see through that? And do the honor system.
Keep your eyes closed anyway. And why don't you give that a little sip of room? Okay, is it? There's a glass there.
Oh, there it is. Okay.
Okay. And why don't you give that a little sip? Yeah, perfectly fine.
I put it at a TDS of around uh you realize we don't know what tds is you explained it explain it yeah total dissolved expressed in parts per million calcium magnesium phosphoric acid yeah um yeah yeah i put that at like a uh 234 tds parts per million uh fine perfectly fine water i'd be happy to drink that can you identify the water oh try and identify it um i i can't identify it it's like water to you right it's somewhere it's i'd express what it tastes like i can't yeah it's fine you said it's fine yeah it's fine well that was uh your favorite water that was your favorite water that was no no take off your blindfold okay yeah that was the was the much vaunted Wolfslauer. Yeah, but that's the Ona.
I wanted the Prickland. What? I wanted the Prickland.
You got the Ona variety. I don't understand what you're talking about.
What's the difference? You fools. You bungled the operation.
I like the Prickland. I like the Prickland.
You thought you were so clever. Of course you liked the Prickland.
You thought you were so clever. You had half information and you didn't get the right one.
The prickling. So this is the prickling.
No, that's the owner. What's the difference between the owner and the prickling? The prickling is the sparkling and the owner is the flat.
So you wanted- I wanted the sparkling. I wanted the prickling.
You know what? You're an asshole. Yeah.
You're just a terrible person. Right.
I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this.
But if you're going to do it, do it do it right i didn't do any of this i didn't say don't do it at all or do it right who set this up but for you to say you fools you fool you're part of the operation you're the you're the figurehead of this operation everything goes for you that we got this from us i appreciate it yeah but you're trying to ridicule me for not detecting my favorite is my favorite water. Whereas you shouldn't have got the Pricklin.

Hey, down, down, down, Rex, down.

What's fascinating to me is that the term,

you fools, you fools, you fools, you've bungled it.

That is reserved for the D-Day invasion.

That is reserved for Operation Desert Storm going wrong.

That is reserved for a major operation

for the 1066 invasion of England by the Normans.

That's what that's reserved for. You fools, you fools, you bungled it.
Not getting you the incorrect type of Voslauer water. That's not where you say, you fools, you fools.
Do you understand? This is my 1066 invasion of England, okay? You went on and on about Vosslauer. Yeah.
We gave you a blind taste test. You shrugged and said, it's fine.
Yeah. So, and then you, and this is after you had described it as the water that Christ walked upon.
So you understand that now I'm a little, yes, it may not be the exact subset of the types of water that you like, but I'm a little suspicious that water means that much to you and that you can tell the difference. Okay.
So I guess I'm the fool now. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're the chimp. Yeah.
You're the chump. Yeah.
You're the orang. You see things superficially.
To you, all water is the same, but I'm the fool because I understand the chemical composition of water and how it affects the overall experience. You just had Walslauer and shrugged.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Acted like you just drank it out of a Chicago YMCA. Sure.
Okay. Sure.
And so I don't understand why you're supposed to be the superior one here. Yeah.
Apologize. Yeah.
If you're trying to make me look like a fool, I think you failed. I don't think I made you look like anything.
Okay. I showed you as who you really are.
Right. I showed you who you be and what you be.
I'm impressed that you found the Vosslauer though. Oh, now you're impressed.
I've never seen it in the United States. Yeah, I mean, I'm impressed at the mechanics of the operation.
If the sentiment of the operation failed, at least the mechanics were there. It was well executed.
Poorly conceived, well executed. Look at his eyes.
Yeah. Look at his eyes.
You have the eyes of a madman. You know that, don't you? The eyes of a predator.
These are my eyes. These are the eyes.
Why is it okay to poke fun at somebody's physical appearance? These are my eyes. It's true that the eyes are not often lumped in with the common slights that people are sensitive about physically.
Usually it's things like weight. I'm not saying they're not.
Height in some cases. I'm not saying you're unattractive or anything like that.
But eyes is usually, you think that's safe territory? You think it's okay to poke fun at someone physically as long as it's just and your eyes, do you see it? Do you guys see it? Why is this not inappropriate? Edward, to be fair, you talked about his ass earlier. Yeah, but I enjoyed your ass.
I wasn't criticizing your ass. I didn't say your ass was aesthetically displeasing.
You zeroed in on my ass, and I'm not allowed to talk about your eyes? You could talk. Complimentary.
You're insulting my eyes. I'm not insulting them.
Why are our eyes exempt from the normal rules of physical courtesy? Okay. I need a, this is, I'm so upset now.
I need a glass of this Vosslauer to calm down. Vosslauer.
I don't know that this is valuable to anybody.

I don't know if anyone's still listening at this point.

If people are listening in a rental car,

they probably veered it sharply to the right and hit an oak tree.

They've gone to a better place.

I just want to say that once again,

this was the Conan and Jordan show.

And we did our best to bring you

my relationship with Jordan Schlansky.

It's a strange one.

I can't quantify it. I can't qualify it those are two cues um and shout out to quest love but uh we're taking off now and jordan happy journeys to you thank you in all you do here and Have a drink.
Bed out LA from Italy. Naturally carbonated.

Go ahead. Have a sip.

Sure, it doesn't have the bubble size of a Gerolsteiner, but excellent.

Have a sip.

Delegant.

Elegant.

If you could sip, you can't talk.

The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by

Thank you. The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez.
Our supervising producer is Andrew Groose. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
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