The Conan and Jordan Show – Painting The Barn

Speaker 1 Say hello to the all-new Alexa Plus and see how Alexa can do so much more for you. Need last-minute concert tickets? Craving your favorite restaurant? Just sit back, relax, and talk naturally.

Speaker 1 Alexa's on it. It remembers what you love, anticipates what you need, and makes it all happen.

Speaker 1 Whether you're using Echo, Fire TV, or any compatible device, Alexa Plus brings thousands of possibilities to life.

Speaker 1 Everything.

Speaker 1 The fact that you can just order concert tickets through her, that's that's crazy yeah exactly you didn't know that even i knew that wow yeah and i fought in world war one and i know that ready whenever and yeah and you were born in the second obama administration this is incredible ready whenever inspiration strikes amazon.com slash new alexa

Speaker 1 The LL bean flannel has been part of the holiday for over a century. Cozy, reliable, and made to last.

Speaker 1 It's the shirt you wear when you pick out your tree and when you're home relaxing with a warm cup of cocoa.

Speaker 1 And it's the one you wore in the family photo where somehow everyone's matching without even trying.

Speaker 1 These shirts, these flannels from LL Bean have been around for a long time. Yeah, they have.
They've been around from the olden days. I'm going to go churn some butter.
But first, my LL Bean flannel.

Speaker 1 Oh no, President McKinley has been wounded.

Speaker 1 Anyway, these have been around a long time. They're great for the holidays.
You got to get them. Go check out LL Bean Flannel.
Invited to the holidays since 1912.

Speaker 1 A Monday warrior, mean, mean strides. Today's dumb soya, mean, mean, dried.

Speaker 1 Okay, if you've heard that annoying song, it means that you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show. I'm Conan O'Brien.
I'm joined by Jordan Schlansky.

Speaker 1 We chose that song, Jordan, because it's your favorite group. And maybe your favorite song by that group? Not necessarily, but it is an excellent song.
Maybe their archetypal song. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why did you have to glance at the logo that said the Conan no Jordan show when you said the name of the show? Do you forget the name of the show? You didn't know it either.

Speaker 1 If you play that back, you just said Conan no Jordan show.

Speaker 1 So you don't know it either.

Speaker 1 Maybe you should look at the screen next time. All right.
You know,

Speaker 1 if you're going to call me on the title of the show,

Speaker 1 you better have it right. Right.

Speaker 1 I looked at it because sometimes I need confirmation that I agreed to do this. I see.
And there it is. Okay.
And it's got a lot of your favorite things, a Vespa. I can't even identify some of them.

Speaker 1 I understand the pizza, the wine, the grapes, the Vespa. Is that a lemon behind the meatballs? What's the

Speaker 1 meatball? I didn't know what those were. That looks like

Speaker 1 chicken. That looks like General Chow's pizza.
That's what I thought it was. And I thought, I didn't know you loved General Chow's chicken.

Speaker 1 I think Frank told me it was meatballs, but I still don't know. Is that a lemon coming from behind the meatball?

Speaker 2 I honestly don't know what that is.

Speaker 1 Okay. And I never had the greatest.
I think it's a Goomba.

Speaker 1 Jordan? Yes.

Speaker 1 People,

Speaker 1 I don't want to say they enjoy our chemistry. Okay.
There's no proof that that's the case. Right.
But we do have a chemical reaction between us, which is quite unusual.

Speaker 1 I have never had a relationship with anyone in my entire life. I've met.
kings, queens, courtesans. I've never met anybody quite like you.

Speaker 1 You're an unusual fellow.

Speaker 1 We fight, we bicker, but I think beneath it all, we really do hate each other.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 there's no other show like this.

Speaker 1 People love our interactions. Whenever I walk around in the world, people say, hey, where's Jordan? How's he doing? Is he for real? That's when I get a lot.
Is he for real? And I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 You might be a hallucination. This could be like the end of Fight Club where I realize you never existed.
Or maybe I don't exist and you're imagining me

Speaker 1 uh it's one of those things it's a real mind blower one of us is imagining the other or maybe neither of us is imagining no one anyway that was a lot of a lot of what we call filler in the business he has a clip

Speaker 1 jordan jordan brought a clip with him today okay you brought a clip i did Okay, yeah, I spotted a paparazzo video of you. You are, in fact, an A-list celebrity.

Speaker 1 And from time to time, yeah, from time to time, you're confronted by paparazzi out in the world.

Speaker 1 And I saw this one a while ago, and you're in New York City walking by what I assume might be Central Park South, somewhere in the vicinity of Central Park South. That is Central Park South.

Speaker 1 Central Park South 59th Street, for those that are unfamiliar. You see this paparazzo standing there.
Paparazzi. Yeah.
And,

Speaker 1 you know, in that moment,

Speaker 1 he's not even asking you a question. The question becomes in your mind, what do you do? How do you handle it? How do you react? And the way I interpret it is you make a conscious decision.

Speaker 1 Okay, I see this paparazzo there. Nothing new.
It must happen frequently. I'm just going to continue walking, going about my day.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 But your brain is very conscious of the fact that now you're deliberately walking with purpose. Now, listen, you're a man with good posture.
I myself am not.

Speaker 1 And I've always appreciated that about you. You stand very erect.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Now, a lot of taller people have a problem with good posture because they feel insecure about their height and they're even subconsciously trying to shrink down a bit. But you, you own it.

Speaker 1 I've always appreciated that.

Speaker 1 Now, in this particular moment, and I've seen you walk many times over many years, in this particular moment, I'm convinced that your mind is so deliberate about I'm going to walk confidently.

Speaker 1 You pass the camera, you start, you're coming at him, and you pass, and then there's a shot of your ass walking away, and your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side because you're, you're walking with such purpose.

Speaker 1 Now, listen, you have a high rider. You always have.
Your ass, if one were to categorize different asses, they do fall into general. Everyone has a unique ass.

Speaker 1 I'm not trying to diminish anybody's uniqueness, but what I'm saying is there are general categories.

Speaker 1 And yours is, you'll call your ass flat, but to me, the flatness is not the most significant characteristic. You have a high rider.
It rides high up on your legs and it has a very specific look.

Speaker 1 And when you're walking away from this man's camera with such confidence, such deliberate confidence, your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side. It's a saunter.

Speaker 1 It is the perfect representation of a saunter. And in that moment, I don't know if you were feeling a sexuality in you, in your confidence, but I'm telling you, your ass

Speaker 1 and your pants are very form-fitting as well. I remember the days when as a tall man, you found it hard to buy jeans that were long enough.
And then you found a guy to start custom making your jeans.

Speaker 1 And your pants are so well-fitted now. They're really hugging those ass cheeks.
And I just think it's remarkable. I think we should acknowledge

Speaker 1 the behavior of your ass as you're walking away from camera in this paparazzo video. Would you like that to go on any longer before I interrupt you? Or are you done? I said what I needed to say.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't recall this.

Speaker 1 In general, it looks like it's springtime, maybe fall. Who can say?

Speaker 1 Maybe about 49 weeks ago.

Speaker 1 Somewhere around May 17th, 2024. Okay.
I'm guessing there's a a date on this. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we live in an era now where people have cameras out all the time. They have, there's paparazzo cameras, but there's also just people with iPhones, whatever.

Speaker 1 So you get less self-conscious about it over time.

Speaker 1 I think,

Speaker 1 I don't think I'm that much affected by this person. You're saying you would be walking like that.
Again, you haven't seen this footage.

Speaker 1 Oh, but I know how I walk.

Speaker 1 okay here's what i'll tell you you've walked with me i walk very quickly

Speaker 1 i walk with purpose i i do have very good posture

Speaker 1 none other than steve martin once in a note to me talked to me about my posture fascinating and said um

Speaker 1 pointed out that my posture was so good that it distracted him from whatever i was saying

Speaker 1 meaning that he thought my posture was much more impressive than my comedy.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I do think it's possible that I'm trying to, this is my way of coming on to whoever's photographing me, that maybe I'm putting a little English on the ass. I think you are.

Speaker 1 I've never seen your ass move like this, and I've seen your ass move many times. And you keep an eye on my ass.
It presents itself to me. I'm not looking for it, and I'm not looking away from it.

Speaker 1 My ass presents itself. Yes, it presents itself to me in certain situations.
I never expect it to, but sometimes there it is.

Speaker 1 Like I say, I don't turn far away. If it falls into my field of vision, if I'm looking this way and your ass moves there, I'm not going to look away from it.
You're saying much like a baboon.

Speaker 1 I use my ass to attract you. You know what? A baboon is a perfect, it's a perfect analogy.
And a baboon,

Speaker 1 when a baboon's ass becomes quite red, they present it. Yeah.
And presenting the ass is maybe the most primordial form of a sexual come-on. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I honestly don't think you meant to be sexual, but I've never seen your ass move like this. And I know you were working, you were walking with a determined sense of confidence.

Speaker 1 And it manifested in your ass cheeks gyrating from left to right.

Speaker 1 Should we look at it? Roll the tips. Sure.
How's it going? Good to see you. Yeah, good to see you, too.

Speaker 1 I don't see a lot of gyrating going on there.

Speaker 1 Do you see how like there is a, see, there are two diagonal creases, primary diagonal creases? Eduardo, do you want to turn the pants? Do you see a lot of undulation of ass?

Speaker 1 I don't know what to say.

Speaker 1 You can say whatever.

Speaker 1 I see a normal person walking. I don't know.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't see what you see. Okay, so there are two diagonal creases, primary diagonal creases in the pants.
And as you walk, you know what this is? This is the Zapruder film.

Speaker 1 I would have to see the opposite of that to be able to compare.

Speaker 1 Can I identify the variable? Can I say about the control? This is the Zapruder film, meaning

Speaker 1 a lone assassin theorist like myself looks at it and goes, yeah, that's Oswald getting off three shots and two of them hit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But you show the exact same footage to a conspiracy theorist and they see 15 gunshots and people with arrows and parachutists and all kinds of stuff.

Speaker 1 I don't know how not to walk like that. You know, I don't know how to,

Speaker 1 for that not to happen, for one buttock not to be moving independently of the other, you would have to sew my buttocks shut, and I would have to be on some kind of electric scooter where my legs are immobile.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's the only way you could achieve the non-undulation. Yeah, that's the only way that could happen.
I have confidence in my observational skills, and I'm familiar with yourself.

Speaker 1 I don't know your ass. I don't.

Speaker 1 You say you feel something. Obviously, something jumped out at me about this particular way your ass was moving.
I immediately sent it to Frank. Okay.
I'm going to stand. Okay.

Speaker 1 You can take the the headphones off well i want to keep them on just so i can hear all right

Speaker 1 so yeah all right so i'm walking yeah now you look at me yeah like that's what i'm talking about you see like this happening i didn't see the you see these two diagonal creases right here i and they have a i didn't see that until you started sticking your ass out right now when you first started doing it i i just saw a big blob of fabric was this an excuse to touch me

Speaker 1 you didn't need to touch me you just touched the back of my hands that's how they do it at the tsa That's not, that doesn't count.

Speaker 1 The front of the hands counts. The back of the hand doesn't count.
Look at his maniac. No, no, that's how they do it at the TASA.
Look at his maniacal push. Whenever you start to lose it,

Speaker 1 you get crazy eyes.

Speaker 1 You get crazy eyes. Oh, so you go on a subway and you take the back of your hands.
And I'm not interested. And you touch women's asses and then say, hey, TSA! TSA!

Speaker 1 TSA in the USA. That's what you do? I am telling you, it is very asexual to touch anything with the back of your hands.
That's not true. I think

Speaker 1 some of the most erotic moments of my life have been with the back of my hands. What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 How would you ever in a sexual situation use the back of your hand? What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Use the back of my hands all the time in a sexual way. I'm not intuitive.
It's completely different. You haven't done that? No, there's nothing you can do to anything.
It's called painting the house.

Speaker 1 What you do is you brush the woman. Or, and I'm going to say, listen, we live in a culture where it could be a woman and a guy on guy, whatever.
It doesn't matter to me, woman on woman.

Speaker 1 What I'm saying is

Speaker 1 have often used that motion. I've often used the back of my hand.
The difference between the front of the hand and the back of the hand is immense. Not true.
It's not subtle. That's not true.

Speaker 1 It is not subtle. Old wife's tale.
There's more nerve endings on the back of your hand. No, that's true.
And there's a kid. And guess what?

Speaker 1 It's psychological. The most erogenous zone, and this is a true fact.
It was in men's health three months ago. Look it up.
Yeah. Ryan Reynolds is on the cover.

Speaker 1 Is the back of the hand and the knuckles are the most erogenous zone on the body, more so than any other part of the body. True story.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine imagine if you were gifted a sexual experience with someone you were incredibly attracted to? Bridget Bardot. Bridget Bardo, 1958.
1958. But the rule was you could only use the bat.

Speaker 1 That would be my request.

Speaker 1 That would be my request. You cannot do anything.

Speaker 1 Anything you want with the back of your hands. My request.
What a horrible, frustrating way to leave somebody hanging.

Speaker 1 That's not true. What are you talking about? You've never even tried it.

Speaker 1 You haven't tried it. Of course I haven't tried it.

Speaker 1 I don't know what I'm talking about. You're missing out on

Speaker 1 the sexual high

Speaker 1 is using the erogenous zone. The primary

Speaker 1 erogenous zones of the body are the left and right back of hands. And do you know that the knuckles, the knuckles were thought of by the Greeks as the center of eroticism.

Speaker 1 Do you know what runed orgasms are? Do you know this sexual genre? What's it called?

Speaker 1 Ruined? Rued orgasms? Do you mean ruined? Yeah, ruined. You just said runed.
That's the same thing. Are you losing your mind? Look at your eyebrows.
Forget about ruined.

Speaker 1 Hey, Riddler, your eyebrows are going off the charts. Listen to me.
Do you know about ruined orgasms? It's a sexual fetish. Do you understand? It's when you, it's when,

Speaker 1 I want to say this in a tasteful way. When

Speaker 1 someone is going to have an orgasm. Yeah, when someone's about to.
But at the critical moment, the sexual stimulation stops. Yes.

Speaker 1 Now it's too late to stop the orgasm, but you're not enjoying the orgasm. But people love that.
To me, what do you mean they love it? Who loves it? I'm saying people are into it. You know, TV and TV.

Speaker 1 can i say it the correct way ruined ruined or is that a new york thing when you say ruined i i don't know that's the way i say it ruined i've never said ruined as okay i'm from new york

Speaker 1 i have a problem but what i'm saying is what i'm saying is that to me is another untapped sexual genre of you can be with anyone you want you can do anything you want like a woman says take me do whatever you want but only use the back of your hands yeah that's incredibly frustrating that's like you ruins the experience well i'd say i more think you ruined it, but I disagree with you, and I think you're berating something you haven't tried.

Speaker 1 And I suggest that you go home tonight, talk about it with your wife, and say that you want to paint the barn. And that's called, that's using the back of the hands.
And

Speaker 1 just try it. But I don't see, you've read into this.
Conan paparazzi footage of me walking, and it's nonsense. It's nonsensical.

Speaker 1 And I think I'm glad that Eduardo spoke up. There's no there there.
You're seeing, you're lost in a mystical world of my ass. Yeah.
And you can't find your way out.

Speaker 1 You're seeing things that aren't there. Like any great piece of media or art, we're all allowed our own interpretations.
Eduardo, I appreciate the way he sees it. I appreciate the way I see it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 If you ever touch me again, the front or back of hand,

Speaker 1 I'll pound you. Okay, Stan? Yes.
I'll pound your face to clay. Understood.
Okay. Yeah.
You never do that. Or you ask first.
With the TSA, it's understood that this is going to happen.

Speaker 1 How would I have asked? You would have said, may I now touch you. Okay.

Speaker 1 No, I should have said that. Yeah.
I don't disagree.

Speaker 1 Say hello to the all-new Alexa Plus and see how Alexa can do so much more for you. Need last-minute concert tickets? Craving your favorite restaurant? Just sit back, relax, and talk naturally.

Speaker 1 Alexa's on it. It remembers what you love, anticipates what you need, and makes it all happen.

Speaker 1 Whether you're using Echo, Fire TV, or any compatible device, Alexa Plus brings thousands of possibilities to life.

Speaker 1 Everything, the fact that you can just order concert tickets through her, that's crazy. Yeah, exactly.
You didn't know that? Even I knew that. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I fought in World War I, and I know that.

Speaker 1 Ready whenever, and yeah, and you were born in the second Obama administration. This is incredible.
Ready whenever inspiration strikes, amazon.com/slash new Alexa.

Speaker 1 I'm sure a lot of you out there are plain Coca-Cola people, and that's respectable. Trust me, I'm one.
Yes, I am. You've many times seen me just, I like to order just a regular Coca-Cola.

Speaker 1 You really do. I really do.
But if you haven't tried a Coca-Cola from Sonic, now is your chance because right now it's completely free with any purchase.

Speaker 1 Now, if you're a regular Joe, you're thinking to yourself, I can get a Coca-Cola from anywhere, Conan. Why would I go to Sonic? Well, I'm going to tell you.

Speaker 1 Sonic has all the flavors and add-ins to make the perfect Coca-Cola for you. I'm talking strawberry, cherries, coconuts, sweet cream, jalapenos.

Speaker 1 Second of all, let me say this again. It's free.
But I like an add-in. I like to have a little flavor.
And you know what? Coconut in your Coca-Cola is delicious. It really is.

Speaker 1 So create a Coke your way, any size, any flavor, free with any purchase in the Sonic app for a limited time. Live free.
Eat Sonic.

Speaker 1 This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Get rewarded for your holiday shopping.

Speaker 1 Earn daily cash back on every purchase made with Apple Card, no matter where you shop and no matter who you're shopping for.

Speaker 1 Use your daily cash back on anything from stocking stuffers to a treat for yourself.

Speaker 1 Happy Christmas to me. The choice is yours.
Apply in the wallet app on your iPhone today, subject to credit approval.

Speaker 1 Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank, USA, Salt Lake City, branch terms and more at applecard.com.

Speaker 1 Macy's has a new parade this year, a parade of deals.

Speaker 1 So, if you're standing on the street waiting for that parade to go by, because you took this literally, you're going to be wasting your time. Wake up, kids.
It's a parade. Where is it?

Speaker 1 A parade of deals. What?

Speaker 1 Kid crying. Every day from now through November 27th, Macy's is featuring a new must-have deal that will last only one day.

Speaker 1 We're talking about daily deals on things you'll love, like a super cozy UG fluff throw. Hey, try and say that.
Even if you say it slowly, you'll probably mess it up. Ug fluff throw.

Speaker 1 An upgraded Dyson vacuum. That's nice.
And some of your favorite frequencies, hair products, jewelry, too. Oh, and don't forget, Black Friday deals start November 10th.

Speaker 1 So remember, this isn't a real parade. It's a parade of deals.
I was fooled. Don't bring a balloon and get all excited.
Your daily thrill starts now. Shop now at Macy's.com or in store.

Speaker 1 As you know, the new season

Speaker 1 Max travel series, Colonel O'Brien Must Go. It's coming out season number two.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And we are, it will be three episodes. And you are a part of that journey.

Speaker 1 People love, the fans love it when you come along and make an appearance.

Speaker 1 We went to Austria together. Yes.
This is going to be seen by people. I don't know exactly when this drops, but I'm assuming it's out because it's coming out very soon.

Speaker 1 And people can watch it. It was a a lot of fun.
Did you enjoy Austria? Yes, I love. Do you call it Austria?

Speaker 1 Do you call it Austerlich? Österreich. Pardon me? Öosterreich.
You okay? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 I did. I had a great time.
You and I had many moments, even off-camera. I do believe that these experiences bring two human souls closer together.
They give us,

Speaker 1 they put us in a situation where we flourish long after the trip has ended. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's funny how you always need to point out that we are human beings.

Speaker 1 It's completely, that's just wasted verbiage. That's packing peanuts.
Well, it's perspective. I like to give perspective.
And I speak the way I speak.

Speaker 1 You may not understand all my motivations, but they are very deliberate. I like to paint a picture.

Speaker 1 You know, we are looking down on ourselves in that moment. We are human beings.
Trust me, I am looking down on you right now. Okay.

Speaker 1 Jordan,

Speaker 1 we went to Vienna. Yeah.
I had not been to Vienna before. What a beautiful city.

Speaker 1 Incredible. And you're a man of many tastes.

Speaker 1 You appreciate different cultures. And Vienna, I saw you really come alive in Vienna.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I wish I hadn't, but I did.

Speaker 1 You love your Wiener Schnitzel. Yes, I do.
And you had Wiener Schnitzel every night. I did, yeah.
And you wanted to try the Wiener Schnitzel in every restaurant. That's right.

Speaker 1 It is a, I don't know how else to say it. It's a chicken McNugget.

Speaker 1 It's a chicken McNugget that's been pounded a little flatter. It's neither chicken nor a nugget.

Speaker 1 It is basically a breaded

Speaker 1 piece of white meat,

Speaker 1 whether it's veal or chicken. They make both.
I'll allow it. But thank you, Your Honor.
Yeah. Appreciate it.

Speaker 1 But it was quite good. But I found that by like night three, I was yearning for anything.
You were. This is no exaggeration.

Speaker 1 You kept saying

Speaker 1 the waiter would come and you would say, I'll have your Wienerschnitzel, sir. And they would say, yah,

Speaker 1 they'd click their heels. And I was just like, give me anything else at this point.

Speaker 1 You are 100% correct. And I would have thought that fried meat is right up your alley.
It is. It was for a day or two.

Speaker 1 No, for three days in a row. And like by the fourth day,

Speaker 1 I wanted someone to use that device that's in No Country for Old Men

Speaker 1 that Javier Bardem has it puts a bolt in your brain right I was done yeah I was done with it they also um

Speaker 1 not a lot of vegetables

Speaker 1 yeah that's correct yeah I what happened were the vegetables did they did the vegetables flee Germany at some point yeah they well they what they consider to be vegetables are potatoes which of course is a starchy vegetable doesn't give me the fiber I'm looking for I'm deliberately looking for fiber you talk about this a lot fiber is important to you it's incredibly important there's a food to me the secret to eating healthy is combining foods.

Speaker 1 It's not what you eat, it's what you eat together.

Speaker 1 Okay, so for me, there are three components of every meal and every snack. I'm going to pretend to find this interesting.
Yes, go ahead, please. Protein, carbohydrates, and fiber.

Speaker 1 Wow, this is some new theory you've come up with. This is the way I live my life.

Speaker 1 Fiber. Yeah, that's the way I live my life.
No, that's absolutely not everything.

Speaker 1 That means you're going to have a meat, you're going to have a starch, a meat or a fish, a starch, and then a vegetable. And the vegetable is where I found it challenged in

Speaker 1 Oosterreich.

Speaker 1 I think we get a little spoiled here in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles, we have an abundanza, if you will.

Speaker 1 Fruits, oranges,

Speaker 1 I mean, anything you want. Yeah.
It's at your nearest Whole Foods. Yeah.
There,

Speaker 1 am I correct? Well, I've traveled the world. And you have to understand, too, that doesn't sound pompous at all by the way.
No, no, I have traveled the world.

Speaker 1 And I'm not only coming from a frame of reference of Los Angeles. I realize that there are many cultures, they all eat differently.

Speaker 1 But you have to remember, Austria, while Vienna is not in the mountains per se, Austria is a mountainous culture. And food of the mountains is typically meat and potatoes.
That doesn't surprise me.

Speaker 1 So you get your fiber, so things are regular, things move along. The trains one of the time.

Speaker 1 One of many reasons to include fiber, not the only reason. Okay.
You said something interesting to me. Yeah.
You watched me when we were getting on the plane, I think maybe coming back from Austria.

Speaker 1 And you said to me, this is true, everybody.

Speaker 1 You walked up to me and you said, I watch you.

Speaker 1 Do you remember this? I'm surprised you remember it, but I. You said, I watch you.

Speaker 1 I just, I put my stuff in the overhead compartment. compartment yes click it shut i i take my book out and my laptop

Speaker 1 and my journal and put it down and then sit down and you came up to me and you said i you said i watch you i watch your you said your motions and your movements yes and then you had the point what was the point um the point was uh well there's an even a larger point which i've never expressed to you but um you said that i move with great with great you agree with grace and dignity

Speaker 1 He said this to me. He walked up to me and literally people around me are opening little bags of peanuts or asking for the, and everyone, people were listening.

Speaker 1 This guy came up to me

Speaker 1 and,

Speaker 1 you know, obviously I was, I hate to say obviously, but kindly, HBO Max had flown me first class. I believe you were down where the wheel well of the plane was and you climbed up through a hatch.

Speaker 1 They wouldn't even let you in economy. Sure.
But you've been just clinging to the wheel. Well, because when they retract the wheel, sometimes you fall out.
I

Speaker 1 into the ocean, but you've been rescued. But anyway, you came up to me and you said, I watch you.
So you had been watching me and you thought that my movements were beautiful. Yeah, I admire you.

Speaker 1 I go through phases in my life

Speaker 1 where I get really into something and then it kind of passes. And then maybe a few years later, rushes like that.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I'm listening to Rush all the time and I'm obsessed, and I start watching a little bit of, and then a few years go by, and I don't listen. Same thing with my feelings about you.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I'm indifferent, and there'll be a year or two where I'm completely indifferent. And then there are some times where I really feel a deep, intense admiration for you.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if it's saying more about you in that moment or me in that moment, but this is one of those moments, and I'm in the midst of it right now, where I just admire you for so many reasons.

Speaker 1 You've had many career-based successes, even in the past year, year, especially. But through it all, you've maintained this grace and dignity and approachability that is just astounding to see.

Speaker 1 And I watch you, when we get separated a bit, I watch you interact with other people, and it's just stunning to me. And I'm proud to know you.

Speaker 1 I feel myself inspired. And I feel like I can learn a lot, not from necessarily what you say, but just how you conduct yourself.
It's great to have someone like that in your life.

Speaker 1 First of all, I do appreciate you saying that, but I remembered you specifically

Speaker 1 honing in on. Is this boring you?

Speaker 1 You want to get to something you're honing on to something.

Speaker 1 First of all, I just exposed myself and you're like, okay, that's great.

Speaker 1 Tell me what I want to know.

Speaker 1 I took in what you said, and I appreciate it. But what I want to hone in on is it almost felt like you had watched me just,

Speaker 1 you said humility. Yes.
And that you had just watched me put my stuff in the overhead overhead compartment. And I thought, that's it.
I just put some stuff in an overhead compartment. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you were talking like you had seen Gandhi

Speaker 1 bathe the feet of a leper.

Speaker 1 And I thought,

Speaker 1 I appreciate all of this. I really do, Jordan.

Speaker 1 And we've been together a long time, and I appreciate you saying that. And I do take it in.
But I thought it was,

Speaker 1 I'm sitting down in this nice airplane seat and I just put my stuff in the overhead compartment. And you talk to me as if Christ had just raised Lazarus.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that felt, I have to say, a little out of place. Okay.

Speaker 1 I understand you think like that, but what I'm saying is, yes, you put your bag in the overhead compartment.

Speaker 1 You sat, you had a window seat, you had your glasses on, and your hair was all messy and frazzled, and you leaned your head against the window.

Speaker 1 I think someone said something to you, and you responded very politely. And I remember just thinking like, and I have thoughts.
I have deep thoughts in my head, chaotic.

Speaker 1 Anyone who says I have deep thoughts doesn't have deep thoughts. That's what I'm saying.
Einstein didn't go around saying, I have deep thoughts. Yeah.

Speaker 1 People, real thinkers don't tell people, I'm thinking. Well, guess what? I'm a thinker, and I'm telling you that I'm a thinker.
Okay, so there, I broke the mold. But listen, what I'm saying is that

Speaker 1 I sent you a little bit of a

Speaker 1 musician, as you can see the video. When you lose it, your eyebrows become losing a madman.
I found it. I found it.
Okay, maybe you have it backwards. When I find it, my eyebrows react accordingly.

Speaker 1 So I witnessed you and I admired you in that moment. And I felt that I needed to tell you, even though I understand that to a normal human being, these kinds of sentiments.

Speaker 1 Don't say normal human being ingestured a meaning these kinds of sentiments

Speaker 1 eduardo am i a normal human being in any way no no there's never been anybody like me No, you're a guy. Where's your grace and humility now?

Speaker 1 You're a guy that would, you know how I know you're a normal human being because you would do well in like, do you know what the Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel is? I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 1 Do you know that Jennifer Hudson, she has a show

Speaker 1 and when the guests go to the show, the entire staff is like cheering and dancing as they walk through the hallway and they dance too.

Speaker 1 And it shows what kind of person, what kind of brain you're dealing with. Because some people flourish in those environments.
They're dancing and they're moving and they're so natural.

Speaker 1 And then some people walk through completely awkwardly. And that would be, I would be the second, but you would be the first.
You would like embrace it.

Speaker 1 I don't know that I'm ready for the Jennifer Hudson tunnel. The spirit tunnel.
No, I'm not sure. I'm saying

Speaker 1 you would do well. And some people, it's a little cringeworthy to watch.
And look, so this is the get, the guests have to walk through the guests to get to the studio and they put it on social media.

Speaker 1 I have not been asked to be on Jennifer Hudson's show and I like Jennifer Hudson. I I admire her, but I don't think I could ever walk through a tunnel of people cheering me on.

Speaker 1 It's a barometer for what kind of brains does this person have? How comfortable are they in their own skin? You are very comfortable in your own skin.

Speaker 1 But I don't think I'd be comfortable in the Jennifer Hudson. I think you'd be very comfortable in the sky.
Yeah, show me the.

Speaker 1 Eduardo, thank you. Let's put it.
Kevin Hart. Here's Kevin Hart.
Okay, yeah, he'll be a good one. Well, if anyone was built for the Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel, it's Jennifer Hart.
It's Kevin Hart.

Speaker 1 This is what you want. I like it.
This is what y'all want. I like it.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see.

Speaker 1 Now

Speaker 1 you can handle it however you want. People do different things.

Speaker 1 So you would do well. You were probably already envisioning how you'd handle it.
And I would do horribly.

Speaker 1 This is the staff? Yeah, this is the staff. And they write a song that I think has significance to that particular person.

Speaker 1 Hey, you know what's interesting?

Speaker 1 Is there how does she have any time to interview people? This is incredible. This is

Speaker 1 45 minutes and it's still going.

Speaker 1 Wow, that is incredible. I saw Kevin Hart age during that.
He had a beard when it was over that he did not have at the beginning.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I could handle that. Yeah, I can handle that.
Let's see what it looks like. Conan O'Brien.

Speaker 1 Yeah, see, that's it. That's it.

Speaker 1 That's it. Conan O'Brien.
Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien.
Conan O'Brien. Yeah, I'd do that for a while.
Yeah, yeah. And I do some push-ups.
I do some push-ups. That's how I guess.

Speaker 1 You take it to the next level. You know what I would do? I would not leave the spirit tunnel.
Right.

Speaker 1 You see how long Kevin Hart did? I would stay in for at least 20 minutes. Yeah.
And they'd be out there. If you don't leave, the SAP has to keep going.
They'd go to a commercial break, come back.

Speaker 1 And I'm still going. And then they'd go to another commercial break.
Other Other guests would be on the runway. They never, you know, there'd be people there to talk about real things.

Speaker 1 They'd have like the Secretary of the Interior.

Speaker 1 They'd have, no, nobody gets on because, and they would keep coming back and trying to get my attention to say, Conan, you've got to just stop now because, you know, Tina Faye is going to come. Nope.

Speaker 1 I'm just keep, I just keep going. Right.
I just keep moving and grooving. Right.
I would use the spirit tunnel and turn it into an eternal hell for the viewer. An eternal hell.

Speaker 1 Well, Jordan, I do take what you say seriously.

Speaker 1 and I take it to heart. And you're a nice guy to say those nice things about me.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I think there's room for us to grow in our relationship. And I hope you'll allow that growth to happen.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you. What a warm response.
Yeah. I would like to grow with you as well.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Can I bring up something about Buster? Yeah. I understand that you were a huge fan of the water.

Speaker 1 Oh. True story.
Oh, yes. You requested certain water.
Oh, yes, Volsflower. Volsflauer.
So, you know, I'm a some people drink water and they think all water is the same. Okay, fools.

Speaker 1 When I encounter water. Fools.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay. When I encounter water.

Speaker 1 Every type of water is different. Obviously, the biggest difference would be sparkling versus flat.
But even within that, what are the size of the water? You can taste differences in. 100%.

Speaker 1 Mouthfeel, taste. And I argue you can taste them too if I I gave them to you side by side.
In a vacuum, maybe you can't tell the difference.

Speaker 1 I have to say, I might be a little bit of a dummy when it comes to water. So

Speaker 1 I know bad water, meaning, oh, this is water out of a tap, and they put too much chlorine or the pipes are rusty.

Speaker 1 You know, I know that, but I don't think I know one water from another water.

Speaker 1 You know your waters? Well, I know what waters I like.

Speaker 1 So one of the most defining characteristics about water is how many total dissolved solids are in them, expressed in parts per million, also known as TDS. So you've got your

Speaker 1 average maybe avion has 150 parts per million TDS. And that's very comfortable.
It doesn't leach your minerals, nor does it really enhance your body.

Speaker 1 And then you have very like

Speaker 1 waters like Voss, the Norwegian water, which has great packaging and everything like that, but it's got like a very low TDS. And then you've got like a Gerolsteiner from Germany.
with a very high TDS.

Speaker 1 You drink a liter of this and you have like a quarter of your day's requirement of calcium. So there's a water in Austria called Volkslauer and unfortunately it's not imported into the United States.

Speaker 1 But whenever I go to Austria, to me, that's a huge draw to be able to order a Volkslauer. And you had Volslauer too, because that's what people drink.
I don't know. I had some water.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. That's what it translates to me.
I had water and I don't, I did not drop the glass and go, um, gotten hillu. Yes, that's it.
What is this? I didn't do that.

Speaker 1 You know, I watch you drinking it, and I think I was watching me.

Speaker 1 All of your stories are you in a corner with your hands in your pants watching me.

Speaker 1 What the hell are you doing? You're watching

Speaker 1 my pants, but the rest is correct.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I watch you drinking that Volslauer and I'm thinking that jackass. He doesn't even realize what he's drinking.
He's just shoveling it down. You just saw a donkey at the trough, didn't you? Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's exactly what I saw. All right, well, let's do it.
Let's get this going. We're going to do a little blind taste.
Oh, I've got things to do and places to go. I'm just keeping you.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, not at all. Not at all.
All right. Would you put this blindfold on and let's see if you can tell your Volkslauer from your

Speaker 1 mouth? Would you like, yeah?

Speaker 1 Oh my God. What a cookie.

Speaker 1 You cackling chimp. What are you doing to him? Just put his.
I probably don't need the headphones because, again, we're in very close proximity. Yeah, why do we need the headphones?

Speaker 1 Oh, it doesn't matter. Keep them on.
You're sure you can't see through that. And

Speaker 1 it's a

Speaker 1 do the honor system. Keep your eyes closed anyway.
And

Speaker 1 why don't you give that a little sip of roof?

Speaker 1 There's a glass there. Oh, there it is.
Okay. Okay.
And why don't you give that a little sip?

Speaker 1 Yeah, perfectly fine. I put it at a TDS of around.

Speaker 1 You realize we don't know what TDS is. You explain it.
I can just explain it. Yeah, total dissolved salt.
Express in parts per million, calcium, magnesium, phosphoric acid. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I put that at like a 234 TDS, parts per million. Fine.
Perfectly fine water. I'd be happy to drink that.
Wopner.

Speaker 1 Can you identify the water? Oh,

Speaker 1 try and identify it.

Speaker 1 I can't identify it. It tastes like water to you, right? It's somewhere.

Speaker 1 I'd express what it it tastes like. I can't.
Yeah, it's fine. You said it's fine.
Yeah, it's fine.

Speaker 2 Well, that was your favorite water.

Speaker 1 That was your favorite water. No, no.
Take off your blindfold. Okay.
That was the much-vaunted Volkslauer. Yeah, but that's the Ona.
I wanted the Prickland.

Speaker 1 I wanted the Prickland. You got the Ona variety.
I don't understand what you're talking about. What's the difference between you? You're like, you fool if you bundled the operation.

Speaker 1 I like the Prickland. I like the Prickland.

Speaker 1 You thought you were so clever. So

Speaker 1 you thought you were so clever, you had half information

Speaker 1 and you didn't get the right one. The prickland.
So this is the prickland. No, that's the owner.
What's the difference between the owner and the prickland?

Speaker 1 The prickland is the sparkling and the owner is the flat. So you wanted...
I wanted the sparkling. I wanted the prickland.
You know what? You're an asshole. Yeah.
You're just a terrible person. Right.

Speaker 1 I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this.
But if you're going to do it, do it right. I didn't do any of this.
I didn't say that. You said don't do it at all or do it right.
It's right, Kusa.

Speaker 1 Don't half-ass it. But for you to say, you fools, you fools.
You're part of the operation. You're the figurehead of this operation.

Speaker 1 Everything that we

Speaker 1 got from us, I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you're trying to ridicule me for not determining you. You're not ridiculing my favorite water, whereas you shouldn't have got the prickling.
Hey, down, down, down, Rex, down.

Speaker 1 What's fascinating to me is that the term, you fools, you fools, you fools, you've bungled it, that is reserved for the D-Day invasion. Okay.
That is reserved for...

Speaker 1 Operation Desert Storm going wrong. That is reserved for a major operation

Speaker 1 for the 1066 invasion of England by the Normans. That's what that's reserved for.
You fools, you fools, you've bungled it. Not getting you the incorrect type of Woslauer water.

Speaker 1 That's not where you say, you fools, you fools. Do you understand? This is my 1066 invasion of England, okay?

Speaker 1 You went on and on about Voslauer. Yeah.
We gave you a blind taste test. You shrugged and said it's fine.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, and then you, and this is after you had described it as the water that Christ walked upon.

Speaker 1 So you understand that now I'm a little, yes, it may not be the exact subset of the types of water that you like, but I'm a little suspicious that water means that much to you and that you can tell the difference.

Speaker 1 Okay. So I guess I'm the fool now.
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. You're the chimp.
Yeah. You're the chump.
Yeah. I have.
You're the orang.

Speaker 1 You see things superficially. To you, all water is the same, but I'm the fool because I understand the chemical composition of water and how it affects the overall experience.

Speaker 1 You just had Voleslauer and shrugged.

Speaker 1 Okay. Acted like you just drank it out of a Chicago YMCA.
Sure. Okay.
Sure. And so I don't understand why you're supposed to be the superior one here.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I apologize.
Yeah. If you're trying to make me look like a fool, I think you failed.
I don't think I made you look like anything. Okay.
I showed you as who you really are. Right.

Speaker 1 I showed you who you be and what you be. I'm impressed that you found the Voleslauer though.
I have to be

Speaker 1 in the United States. Yeah, I mean, I'm impressed that the mechanics of the operation, if the sentiment of the operation failed, at least the mechanics were there.

Speaker 1 It was well executed. Poorly conceived, well executed.
Look at his eyes. Yeah.
Look at his eyes. You have the eyes of a madman.
You know that, don't you? The eyes of a predator.

Speaker 1 These are my eyes. These are the eyes I was.
Why is it okay to poke fun at somebody's physical appearance? These are my eyes.

Speaker 1 It's true that the eyes are not often lumped in with the common slights that people are sensitive about physically. Usually it's things like weight.
I'm not saying they're not

Speaker 1 height in some cases. I'm not saying eyes are nothing like that.
Right, but eyes is usually, you think that's safe territory? You think it's okay to poke fun at someone?

Speaker 1 eyesually high and your eyes why is you see it do you guys see it why is this not inappropriate

Speaker 1 you talked about his ass earlier yeah but i i am i enjoyed your ass i wasn't criticizing your ass i didn't say i didn't say your ass was aesthetically displeasing you zeroed out of my ass and i'm not gonna talk about your eyes you could talk about my eyes complimentary you're insulting my eyes i'm not insulting my eyes

Speaker 1 exempt from the normal rules of physical courtesy okay i need a this is i'm so upset now i need a glass of this volslauer to calm down.

Speaker 1 Hmm.

Speaker 1 Wolfslauer.

Speaker 1 Um, I don't know that this is valuable to anybody. I don't know if anyone's still listening at this point.
Sure.

Speaker 1 If people are listening in a rental car, they've probably veered it sharply to the right and hit an oak tree.

Speaker 1 They've gone to a better place.

Speaker 1 I just want to say that once again, this was the Conan and Jordan show.

Speaker 1 And we did our best to bring you my relationship with Jordan Schlansky. It's a strange one.
I can't quantify it. I can't qualify it.
Those are two cues.

Speaker 1 And shout out to Questlove.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 we're taking off now. And

Speaker 1 Jordan, happy journeys to you. Thank you.
In all you do here. And to you.
Have a great day. Shout out to LA from Italy.
Naturally carbonated. Go ahead and say that.

Speaker 1 Jordan doesn't have the bubble size of a Carol Steiner, but excellent. Have a sip of this.

Speaker 1 Elegant. If you could sip, you can't talk.

Speaker 2 The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Shalansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.

Speaker 2 Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez.

Speaker 2 Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruce. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Rit Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.

Speaker 2 You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan and Jordan?

Speaker 2 Call the Team Cocoa Hotline, 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too can be featured on a future episode.

Speaker 2 And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. And be sure to subscribe and tune into Conan O'Brien Radio channel 104 on Sirius XM.

Speaker 1 Now's the time to start your next adventure behind the wheel of an exciting new Toyota hybrid.

Speaker 1 With the largest lineup of hybrid plug-in hybrid and electrified vehicles to choose from, Toyota has the one for you.

Speaker 1 Every new Toyota hybrid comes with Toyota Care two-year complimentary scheduled maintenance, an exclusive hybrid battery warranty, and Toyota's legendary quality and reliability.

Speaker 1 Visit your local Toyota dealer today, Toyota. Let's go places.
See your local Toyota dealer for hybrid battery warranty details.

Speaker 3 Black Friday is here, and Pandora Jewelry is offering up to 40% off store-wide and site-wide, now through December 2nd. Explore jewelry designed to last beyond this season.

Speaker 3 From classic charms to modern rings, bracelets, earrings, and more. Whether you're holiday shopping or treating yourself, now's the perfect time to find something special.

Speaker 3 Save up to 40% on the jewelry you love. Shop at Pandora.net or your local Pandora store.
Exclusions apply.