The Conan Slabaroo

Speaker 1 Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich. I mean, we've been thinking that.
Why does hell say it, right, Sona?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like, who needs a crust?

Speaker 1 You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sona. You said, Who needs the crust? And I said, First of all, my name's Conan.
You know,

Speaker 1 anyway, it's the perfect grab and go for all of life's moments with unbeatable soft bread and a variety of flavors, like, well, peanut butter and grape jelly, peanut butter and strawberry jam.

Speaker 1 hello, peanut butter and raspberry spread, and so much more. No mess, no prep, just thaw

Speaker 1 and eat.

Speaker 1 Yep, get them in the freezer aisle today.

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Okay, let's get started. Stop, stop.
No, seriously, though?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, not now. It's over.
Guys, Guys, Micah is here. Micah, Micah, welcome to Code of Mystery.
It's a fan. Micah, how are you?

Speaker 3 Good. Did I interrupt a fight?

Speaker 1 There was no fighting. No fighting.

Speaker 1 We are adults, Micah. And to think that we would be slapping at each other's shoulders like children, trying to get the last hit in before you arrived is chimerical.
It's foolish and beyond crazy.

Speaker 1 We'd never do that. Absurd.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 Micah. Micah, old friend.
where are you coming to us from? Where are you in the world?

Speaker 3 I'm in Kansas City, Missouri, at the middle of the map.

Speaker 1 Very nice. I love Kansas City.
Had some fantastic barbecue in Kansas City.

Speaker 3 Wonderful. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's kind of like talking like politics or religion out here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a beautiful, I stayed in a beautiful

Speaker 1 old hotel like from the 20s that had been restored in downtown Kansas City. And I can't remember the name of it.
Oh, I've been all over. I was a traveling salesman at the time.

Speaker 1 Micah, tell me, you seem like a nice fellow.

Speaker 1 Is that a cork, giant cork board behind you? What's behind you?

Speaker 3 I think so.

Speaker 1 I'm using one of the meeting rooms at my job.

Speaker 3 They probably need this room for a meeting, but I'm just camping out in it.

Speaker 1 I think it is cork, though. Yeah, it's so funny.
It's, yeah, it looks like you're almost going to be pinned up to it.

Speaker 1 Micah,

Speaker 1 don't listen to me, Micah. I'm having a hard day.
I'm not making a lot of sense today, Micah. Micah, what do you do at this company? What is this company?

Speaker 3 So I'm a designer. I work for an advertising firm.

Speaker 1 Okay. You know, my wife

Speaker 1 worked in advertising when I met her. And so

Speaker 1 yeah, that's the world she came from.

Speaker 1 Oh, cool. And so you work in an advertising firm.
And what's your, do you have a specialty in advertising?

Speaker 3 Yeah. So I work on a big fast food client.
I've been working with them for about 12 years.

Speaker 3 And I do all the, me and my team, we do all the design work and we shoot all the food photography just about every month, which, as you can imagine, it's pretty. I I have a couple of questions.

Speaker 1 Pretty tempting. I'm guessing you can't tell us the name of the fast food place.

Speaker 3 I cannot tell you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you can't even probably give us hints, like they make a good taco or.

Speaker 2 Are you loving it?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're the king of fast food burgers.

Speaker 1 You know, that's all kind of thing, you know. Whatever.
It's not important. It's,

Speaker 1 I mean, it is important. I will find out and I will disclose it to my fans.
Yes, you will.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you are the person who does photography for fast food. Is that right?

Speaker 1 You're in charge of the whole thing.

Speaker 3 So once a month, we fly out to our photo partner in St. Louis, and it's a several day shoot.
And

Speaker 3 it gets intense with the food stylists and getting to work with them and direct things.

Speaker 3 We'll fuss over strips of lettuce on a burger for a good hour, just making sure it's perfect. It's perfect.
It's perfect.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, I've noticed when you look at photographs of food, especially fast food, everything looks,

Speaker 1 it's like the most perfect burger you've ever seen, or the display of fries, the way the different fries, individual French fries splay out perfect.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's all done with such attention to detail. What's it like to be setting that up? I mean, it's got to be a lot of pretty good.
It is.

Speaker 3 I mean, it's fun for me because I'm not the food stylist, right? So I get the gist, well, I see something here and I get to move this around, but

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 2 Well, like, you know, he's the guy who's like, that piece of, you know, lettuce isn't right. And then he's like, move it.

Speaker 1 Too many onions.

Speaker 1 That poppy seed is shaped a little like Lyndon Johnson.

Speaker 3 You would not believe how many times we and some of our clients see different faces or different things.

Speaker 1 And like, why is there a worm in that bacon?

Speaker 1 Oh, there's still a worm in the the bacon but if you stare at anything long enough you're gonna see your worst nightmare uh when you're there is the food edible or has the food become just a commodity

Speaker 1 is it cold and you've covered it with i mean do you do stuff to the food to make it photographed better so that it's kind of inedible

Speaker 3 Yeah, so years ago, you were able to just do whatever you want to it to just have it keep.

Speaker 3 But I think just because of regulation and lawsuits of late for a lot of people all the food that we shoot it's it's edible right like we had our one of our food stylists not not for my client but he had to actually rebuild a burger in front of a judge in court of law for a lawsuit whoa whoa really to prove that he could do it to prove that this is real we're not using anything fake this is how we shot it just like this it was crazy i once cool

Speaker 1 Before an award show, I went to a stylist and I accidentally hired a food stylist.

Speaker 1 And I only knew when they were spreading mustard under my eyes. Pouring lettuce on your eyes.
Yeah, and I had a lettuce for hair. And on the red carpet, I just killed it.
People, remember that?

Speaker 1 I got more, I was the cover of us weekly.

Speaker 3 You just need to spritz the tomato. That's all.
Yeah, the spritz the tomato.

Speaker 1 But I mean, in the old days, I always heard that they would practically coat the burger with, you know, motor oil. Motor oil or whatever they had to do to make it look appealing.

Speaker 3 So that ice cream used to be mashed potatoes. It used to be crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Is this true, Sona? They would coat a burger with motor oil?

Speaker 2 No, but for syrup, I heard they used to do that. They used to put motor oil on the on the pancakes.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 And then until they burst into flame during a photo shoot. Remember? The great pancake fire of 1987?

Speaker 1 700 people were killed.

Speaker 1 And three buttermilk cakes were lost.

Speaker 1 The pictures were pretty.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I

Speaker 1 when my wife worked in advertising, when we met, she was, I think, on a food account for,

Speaker 1 I probably shouldn't say, but she was working on a cookie that, if you dipped it in milk, would like turn the milk blue, I think.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah, and it later turned out to be plutonium.

Speaker 1 Oh, perfect. Yeah, it

Speaker 1 illegally sold it.

Speaker 3 So your wife invented plutonium. Yeah, that's great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it turned out that she was a spy. And

Speaker 1 Saddam Hussein paid her a lot of money for that cookie.

Speaker 1 It was a long time ago. Long time ago.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 so you're there and you're, did you, you must have moments, because I have these moments all the time in my life where I'm doing what has become my work.

Speaker 1 And I step outside my body and I say, how did this become my career? And you must have moments where you're there and 15 people were standing around looking at a triple cheeseburger

Speaker 1 and people are with tweezers moving a pickle slightly to the right. And you must step outside your body and go, How did this happen?

Speaker 3 Absolutely. No, that happens all the time, especially when we're on set shooting things because it's literally exactly what you said.

Speaker 3 It's a whole team of people just looking at me sometimes, going, Is it good? Is it ready?

Speaker 3 No, it's

Speaker 1 not there yet.

Speaker 3 Let's move the bun back a little bit, or you know, the lime maid just needs a little more ice on top.

Speaker 1 Oh, man, we're almost there.

Speaker 1 That's a clue.

Speaker 2 Can you have free food always?

Speaker 1 Do you have Sona goes to right to the food? Does it have free food?

Speaker 1 Do you get it?

Speaker 1 Do they cater it with the food from the company? Or can we go with the free food?

Speaker 1 Hold it. Just

Speaker 2 I know I'm excited.

Speaker 1 Sona just wants you to mail her a burger. That's all.

Speaker 3 I will show up with a bunch of food if you won't want me to the studio.

Speaker 1 Okay. Right.

Speaker 1 You're going to drive with the food from. Kansas City.
Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 1 So you have to be sensitive. First of all, let's talk about it.
In advertising, it's all about the the client. So is the client there? I'm guessing the client is there.

Speaker 3 Yes, clients there. Luckily, clients, our clients are amazing, fantastic.

Speaker 1 I've always heard Ronald McDonald's a very nice guy.

Speaker 1 Every now and then, the hamburger comes along and something goes missing.

Speaker 1 So anyway,

Speaker 1 your clients

Speaker 1 are nice. That's good.
And clearly, you've been with them a long time.

Speaker 1 Do you ever go to the actual venues?

Speaker 1 you ever go to the the fast food restaurants and check out how the photographs are being displayed you know in the oh yeah and and you know in the restaurant or a lot of stuff is drive-through now isn't it I mean so many places are just drive-through most of it is no we I will go and some of my other signers and copyrights we will go once a month to make sure like it is presented properly and some some stores don't get it quite right but you know what would be amiss

Speaker 1 mean meaning when you say they don't do it quite right the lighting isn't right on the burger that you beautifully shot.

Speaker 3 No, like we make sure all of our stuff is great and good to go to print. I'm talking about sometimes there will be, oh, an entire menu is just displayed upside down.

Speaker 1 Oh, whoa, okay.

Speaker 1 So after doing several times, I love that they didn't catch that on their own. Yeah, fancy.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the problem?

Speaker 1 Looks okay to me.

Speaker 1 You notice they're wearing their pants on their head,

Speaker 1 their shoes on their ears. I don't see any trouble here.

Speaker 1 I have to go to the ceiling now and use the toilet.

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Speaker 1 Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich. I mean, we've been thinking that.
Why does he say it, right, Sona?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like, who needs a crust?

Speaker 1 You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sona. You said, who needs the crust? And I said, first of all, my name's Conan.
You know,

Speaker 1 anyway, it's the perfect grab and go for all of life's moments with unbeatable soft bread and a variety of flavors like, well, peanut butter and grape jelly, peanut butter and strawberry jam. Hello.

Speaker 1 peanut butter and raspberry spread and so much more. No mess, no prep, just thaw

Speaker 1 and eat.

Speaker 1 Yep, get them in the freezer aisle today.

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Yeah. I've got to wear that shirt.

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It's a parade. Where is it?

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Speaker 1 Wow. Okay.
So that's funny that you and this posse of yours drive around and I just hear like the Peter Gunn theme.

Speaker 1 And you like cruise in. Yeah.
But you're not just there like other customers. You're there to check it out.
Oh, yeah. Make sure that everyone's like undercover boss.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know, they go to like through the drive-through and they're like, what can I get you? And you're like, a right-side up menu.

Speaker 1 Yeah, bitch. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you peel out for no reason, killing four people.

Speaker 1 You'll be hearing from me. You'll be hearing from me.
We'll be back when your

Speaker 1 menu is right side up.

Speaker 1 I love that you have to check on that. I hope they put the menu right side up.
I'll have a remha burgahi. A what? A rembah ha gahi.

Speaker 1 Do you mean hamburger? That's what it is, upside down.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Wow. That's really fun.

Speaker 1 I don't know that I'd be of any help to you in your, it sounds like you've got your, you know what you're doing. I think if I came into your life.
You could make it worse.

Speaker 1 I think I would just make it worse. I would have

Speaker 1 because I would want to do funny things to the burger. And I know that your client, whoever your client be,

Speaker 1 wouldn't appreciate me putting a funny slant on their hamburger. Like I would want to put a funny hat on it or an eye patch.

Speaker 1 you know, something to just sort of lighten the mood a little bit, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, I mean, we, we'd like to have fun with our copywriters. We like to send some fun headlines around new burgers or, you know, slushes first time around.

Speaker 3 See, see if it'll, you know, tickle the fancy of the copyright. Sure, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. We're writing the other hand.

Speaker 3 If you need a copywriting, if you need a copywriting gig, we might be hiring.

Speaker 1 I think you want to work on it. I could be okay at copywriting, but my copywriting might get very strange.
I'd be edited a lot, and a lot of my stuff wouldn't be used, and I'd be frustrated. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know you'd be writing over my shoulder just have it now put this in the layout yeah now put this one in all right here we go yeah

Speaker 1 um wow it's uh so uh i mean i'm hats off to you i mean it sounds it sounds like it'd be a fun job it sounds like it's something you enjoy it is fun it's so fun does it make you critical when you're watching television and you see

Speaker 1 a rival fast food chain and they're displaying their burger or their nachos or whatever, and you don't like it. Are you like, ha ha,

Speaker 1 they fucked up?

Speaker 1 That nacho cheese looks like diarrhea,

Speaker 1 right? Do you ever do that?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. No, I can't turn it off.
I'll even be on like vacations with my husband and I, and I'll just be taking photos of other like food promotions and posters.

Speaker 3 And he's like, Could you just not for one day?

Speaker 1 That would drink.

Speaker 3 Like, we are on vacation.

Speaker 1 For one

Speaker 1 day.

Speaker 3 Stop thinking about food.

Speaker 1 I had an interesting experience, which is we shot a show years ago in Cuba, and I was looking at the food presentation because you go to the restaurant, and all that, there'd be pictures of the food out front, and the menu.

Speaker 1 And I'd go like, oh, that's pretty interesting. And then you'd go inside and you'd have the food.
And then I'd...

Speaker 1 go to the next restaurant and it was exactly the same and then exactly the same and exactly the same. And I realized, oh, it's state-owned.
Everything was state-owned or it still is state-owned.

Speaker 1 So when you go decide, when you're trying to decide which restaurant to go to in a state-owned

Speaker 1 country like Cuba, where everything is under the socialist system, everything's the same. And so it's this weird idea.

Speaker 1 I think tonight we'll go to

Speaker 1 Chester's and you're like, Chester's is the exact same thing as David's. Yeah, it's only.

Speaker 2 There's one mica, probably, for the entire country.

Speaker 1 There's one mica,

Speaker 1 yeah. There's one mica.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And freelance in Cuba.

Speaker 1 Wait, can I ask a question? Yeah. Have you gotten to do anything with like those robots that make the food? Like the drinks or anything?

Speaker 3 Oh, not making the actual food, but on photo shoots for some drink specials, like for slushes or, again, lime aids, that we'll have the robotic arms doing.

Speaker 3 They'll have like the robotic arms twisting and pouring syrup at the same time so that we get this really cool twisty visual while it's going into the drink.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you're talking about the camp, the camera. You're talking about the actual camera is because sometimes I'll be watching, I mean, it works.

Speaker 1 I'll be watching television just scanning TV and a commercial will come on and suddenly I'll see different brightly colored syrups swirling through time and space and hitting this wild creamy shake.

Speaker 1 And I just want it at that moment. I mean, you're basically,

Speaker 1 you are, you have the human brain hardwired, don't you? You know exactly how to make food

Speaker 1 look a certain way so that I must have it, right?

Speaker 3 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 1 You're controlling my mind, Sona's mind. You're controlling David's mind.
You're in control. Constantly.
It's incredible. And we fall for any marketing tactic.
We are like a marketer's dream.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we really are. We are.

Speaker 1 It works. Even you, Neil.

Speaker 3 I Neil planned for you all, essentially.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's so cool. I mean, there's,

Speaker 1 I like it sometimes when they show, it'll be be like a shake, and they're trying to show you that they add chocolate bits. So

Speaker 1 the beautiful chocolate is swirling or the vanilla is swirling. And then a shower of little chocolate chips and flakes comes down.
Do you know what I mean? In perfect.

Speaker 1 It's gorgeous. And I think, put classical music to this.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And this is what I want to see as I'm leaving this world. I don't want to see the faces of my children and my loved ones.
I want them to roll in a TV, hook me up to the morphine.

Speaker 1 and then I want to see little flakes of chocolate dancing through the sky as they hit the Tului Soft creamed ice. Oh my God.
That's what I want to see.

Speaker 2 I like when they bite into the burger in those commercials, and then I just think, I want to be that person that's biting, you know, they like bite.

Speaker 1 Also, I have a theory that they get people with very small hands. I know what you mean.
No, no, but I have a theory that they get people with very small hands to make the burgers look bigger.

Speaker 1 Oh, so that there are burger holders and biters who have

Speaker 1 who look

Speaker 1 they were born with very small mouths and very small hands, but in every other way, their proportions are correct.

Speaker 1 And you guys hire them so they can lift up the burger up to their mouth, and then it's just mammoth.

Speaker 1 And they go to take a bite and then they open their jaw and they take the tiniest bite. And you realize if I had that burger, I could live for a year.

Speaker 1 And then all this juice comes out. Yes.
Yes, and it's like the burger's having an orgasm. It's crazy.

Speaker 2 Yes. Oh, I want it.

Speaker 1 No, I want a burger. So you said I'm not wrong.
There are tiny hands people out there

Speaker 1 with little junkies.

Speaker 1 If you are out in the world and you see someone go to pay for the check with a little tiny hand and they go, this one's on me. And they've got a very tiny mouth.

Speaker 1 Then you can just say to them, you're a burger holder.

Speaker 1 A professional burger holder. And you try and put cuffs on them to take them to the police station, but they slip off.

Speaker 1 But you can gag them by putting a little pee in their mouth. Just one green pea.
Look, I lost my mind here, Mike.

Speaker 1 My brain broke and you did it. Oh, no.
Micah, did you.

Speaker 1 Did you have a question for Conan? Question?

Speaker 1 How do we follow that up?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 There's no way he could have a question after that.

Speaker 1 Do you?

Speaker 3 I do have a question.

Speaker 3 I might pivot slightly on my original question I had for you. Okay.

Speaker 1 So in fast food. Are you insane?

Speaker 3 No, in the fast food world, there's a lot more celebrity endorsements and customized drinks or meals, right? So if Conan O'Brien had a custom drink or combo, what would it be?

Speaker 1 If I had a, oh, I mean, if I had a custom drink or combo. Can you give me an example? Like what celebrities have a custom drink or combo?

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 I think Mariah Carey had one a while ago, and it was just a slight twist on a classic burger and fries and drink. But what's the Conan O'Brien level up version?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 RB's had one too.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, that's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Me, let's see. Well, I mean, it'd have to be ham-based because,

Speaker 1 you know, I'm so Irish. My bones, I did, I had an MRI recently, and they said your bones are made of ham.

Speaker 1 1970s ham.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 you know, if it would have to be, I mean, I'm just saying, I'm not putting it out there, but like an Arby's that has like a ham sandwich where there's giant slices of ham.

Speaker 1 It would have to be that kind of thing to be true to my Irish roots. Just big chunks of ham.

Speaker 1 Ham.

Speaker 1 Can you shoot ham in a way that's attractive or is ham always just ham?

Speaker 3 Well, we can. Are we calling it the big chunks of ham combo?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The ham chunker or the slabaroo.

Speaker 1 The Conan Slabaroo. The Conan Slabaroo.
It's just a name associated with it. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I'd be paid hundreds of dollars for my association with this product.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's got to be. The tiniest hands hold it for me.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 We have to find a tiny hand tomorrow. Tiny hands and tiny mouth.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to do it. You are going to do it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Are you yelling at them? What? Yelling at them.

Speaker 1 You are going to do it. You're going to hold this burger.
Holding the hand. Don't hurt me.

Speaker 1 Don't hurt me. Please don't.
Don't hurt my hands.

Speaker 1 Hold it better. Okay, so yes, if you could hook me up with it, it's going to, I don't know what other fast food chains have ham as a staple, but it's going to have to be ham.

Speaker 3 I will pitch it to our clients come Monday morning.

Speaker 1 Oh, so your clients have ham.

Speaker 1 There's

Speaker 1 got it. We've narrowed it down.
Lime Aid and Ham. Yeah, the Lime Maid and Ham special.
Wow, this is soft. This is a fast food place that's going down the toilets fast.

Speaker 1 How come no one's coming in for our lime aid and ham drink?

Speaker 1 Big chunks of ham floating in lime.

Speaker 1 What's wrong? I like it. Quiet, smallmouth.

Speaker 1 We're not ready for the photo shoot. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, really fun talking to you, Micah.
You're a very funny, smart,

Speaker 1 cool person. And I wish you well.
I really do. It was fun talking to you.

Speaker 3 Oh, thank you. Can I just say one more thing? I know you get a lot of compliments.
Just me being a fan all these years,

Speaker 3 me and my company, what we do, even though it's advertising, it sounds pretty, you know, superficial, but like we love to just bring joy, comfort, and meaning to people

Speaker 1 in your podcast.

Speaker 3 And you will, and you all three have been doing that for me and my career director, JJ, for years.

Speaker 1 Oh, thank you so much. Well, I will tell you this.
There's really,

Speaker 1 I'm always watching. ads and seeing really funny stuff that I think, oh, I wish I had thought of that.
There's a

Speaker 1 the line between

Speaker 1 what I do and advertising and I mean, creativity is creativity. So we're all trying the same thing.

Speaker 1 We're all just trying to make, I don't think you should hem and haw it all about being in advertising.

Speaker 1 And like I say, my wife, who's the most important person in the world to me, she was in advertising and she loved it. And

Speaker 1 she's an incredibly creative person. So I don't know.
I don't think, I think you guys should hold your heads high and get a ham sandwich out there with my name on it. Okay.

Speaker 1 We will. We absolutely will.
All right. All right.
Take care, man. We'll see you.

Speaker 3 All right. Thank you all so much.

Speaker 1 Bye-bye.

Speaker 1 Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovesian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Speaker 1 Take it away, Jimmy.

Speaker 1 Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples.
Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm, Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

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Speaker 2 Black Friday is here, and Pandora Jewelry is offering up to 40% off store-wide and site-wide now through December 2nd. Explore jewelry designed to last beyond this season.

Speaker 2 From classic charms to modern rings, bracelets, earrings, and more. Whether you're holiday shopping or treating yourself, now's the perfect time to find something special.

Speaker 2 Save up to 40% on the jewelry you love. Shop at Pandora.net or your local Pandora store.
Exclusions apply.