Nate Bargatze

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Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich.

I mean, we've been thinking that.

Why does hell say it, right, Sona?

Yeah, like, who needs a crust?

You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sona.

You said, who needs the crust?

And I said, first of all, my name's Conan.

You know,

anyway, it's the perfect grab and go for all of life's moments with unbeatable soft bread and a variety of flavors like, well, peanut butter and grape jelly, peanut butter and strawberry jam.

Hello.

Peanut butter and raspberry spread and so much more.

No mess, no prep, just thaw and eat.

Yep, get them in the freezer aisle today.

Hi, my name is Nate Bargetzi.

And I feel a heaviness.

about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

All right.

Now, what's the heaviness about, Nate?

I think you come with a lot.

You are correct.

Yes.

Give the man his prize bar.

Fall is here, hear the yell.

Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk in blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

I am Conan O'Brien, and Sonoma Cessian is right next to me drinking a massive glass of water.

It is massive.

And you're taking this really weird,

over-articulated sip.

And then here's Matt Gourley doing, creating characters in real time.

I'm scared of it spilling again.

And then Eduardo getting mad at us.

Eduardo is very, very strict about liquids getting anywhere near the electrical ports.

Because both of you have spilled water.

Yes.

And you have not?

Oh, I'm perfect.

I never spilled.

I don't podcast.

I really care about equipment.

You can jerk, but it's true.

Okay.

Yeah.

You did spill one time.

Well, I didn't.

Big bag of D's nuts.

Listeners.

Let me see.

We were, listeners, we were chatting just before we went on mic.

Sona was doing tons of D's nuts jokes.

I became...

During a very important meeting.

I became irritated and said, what was the beginning of all the D's nuts thing?

we all started trying to plow into how D's nuts got started and then Eduardo you had a theory yeah Dr.

Dre on the chronic album in 1992 had a track called these nuts do you think that started it or do you think was it a thing before that culture I think absolutely I'm sure it came well before that but I know that these nuts really took off when when did it really take off where what was the heyday of these nuts this is a real nerdy conversation and can we have a these nuts assense you don't analyze these nuts you just d's nuts Yeah.

You just do it.

Yeah, you say D's nuts a lot?

I do.

I say a lot of like guy stuff.

Like

suck this.

What?

I don't want to say suck my dick, but I sometimes say, you know, I know, that is what I say, but I felt really gross being like very vulgar right away.

But yeah, sometimes I tell people suck my dick.

Right.

And is that a common thing for women to say they have a penis, even if they don't have a penis?

No, it's not common.

I'm, I'm.

So you're an uncommon penis.

I'm, I'm unwell, I think is what it is.

So, and that's a regular thing you've been doing for years is telling people to suck your dick?

Yeah.

And then once on Broad City, Alana Glazer's character says to another guy, she goes, suck my dick.

Yeah.

And did you high-five the screen at that moment?

Yeah, it was like

so did Caitlin Olson's character.

And it's always sunny in Philadelphia.

Yeah.

This is what I know.

Yeah.

You know, Matt knows Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Yeah.

You know the Civil War.

Civil War.

I know suck my dick when a woman says it.

Now, what if our two interests coincided and I was talking about a guy in the Civil War who said, suck my dick

to General D's nuts of the Union Army.

Yeah.

And General Lando Calrissian was there as well.

Yeah.

General Lando Calrissian.

That's cool.

Yeah.

And all our words, worlds came together and it meant the end of the world.

It was matter meeting anti-matter, meaning what's the matter.

Listen, so

what about now you're a mom now, which still horrifies me.

I know how happy you are.

What happens if your kids hear you, maybe they're in their room playing with what Soviet toy your husband gave them?

And what, you know, that little kid.

They play with American toys, too.

Oh, now they have those?

Wow.

It's got a country.

Wow.

I came there once, and there was a little wind-up Gorbachev with lead paint on it.

It just says over and over again, what's happened to the wall?

Where's the wall?

But you,

so anyway,

if you're and Tak are having an argument and the kids hear it and you shout at Tack, suck my dick,

these nuts.

I never say it in a serious setting.

Oh, that's okay.

So they're not.

Your house is not a serious setting.

I've been to your house.

It's not a serious setting.

Yeah, but it's not like I say it jokingly, like, suck me dick.

You know,

and your kids know that.

I don't actually have a penis, and it's okay.

That's the joke.

Who knows?

But my thing is,

I know.

Oh, okay.

Just check when you get home.

But my question is.

I'm going to find one.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Where have you been?

I go months at a time without seeing mine.

I censor myself, but during this conversation, like, you know how RoboCop has that readout?

I've had all these things come to mind to say, and I have cut every single one of those.

Not me.

I don't have one of those.

My screen broke a long time ago.

Clearly, I don't either.

What are you cutting out?

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

It's just us, man.

We're just having a good time.

I send a million lessons.

Why am I the only one who says things like this?

If you censor, you can't censor.

We don't censor.

I normally don't.

He normally does.

He normally doesn't.

But his not censoring is different than your not censoring.

That's true.

He'll think, oh, I could make Orlando Caloris.

No, that's not true.

But I think I won't.

This time, because she was saying that.

But you're thinking about, you're talking about dicks and cocks.

And that's why I'm censoring myself because I was going to say, milk these titties.

Jesus.

See, that's why I censor myself.

You know what?

You should have censorship.

I know.

I know.

It's too late now.

I know.

No, but you know what?

That's not a saying.

You can't just...

Can I just say that?

That's going to catch on like wildfire.

No, it's not because it doesn't roll off the tongue.

Milk D.

But D's nuts, it's just bang.

It's done.

No, but that's also, you can say that to a lactating woman, but not every woman's lactating.

Every guy has nuts.

You could say D's nuts.

No, I think Hitler is missing one.

No, that's a nice thing.

D'Escan.

I think that's not true.

You could say D's nut

if someone's lost D.

D.

D.

Disnut.

D's nut.

Dis nut.

But with a D.

Disnut nut.

You don't say titties.

Milk is titties, both of you.

Milk nuts.

We were talking about...

This is very hard to do, Matt, but we were talking about D's nuts, and you took us down the wrong path,

which is next to impossible to do on a discussion of D's nuts.

Well, wouldn't it be singular?

It would be singular on nuts.

Wouldn't it be singular?

What?

How did D's nuts get boring?

There are adolescent kids right now going, ah, this D's nuts conversation

isn't panning out.

No, I'm not going to rap.

No, can we also talk?

D's nuts Nuts came out in 1992.

I mean, she's been going strong for over 30 years.

He's been going strong.

She's been going strong.

That's impressive.

Okay, I want to say before this is taken down another unceremonious path

that we were talking about the beginning of a great American phrase.

And I thought that was a worthwhile discussion, and I'm glad that we did it.

I don't think Milk Dees Titties is going to become a thing.

Oh, you'll see.

I think we should sell Team Cocoa merch with that phrase titties.

I will do that.

And I get 100% of the income of that because I

should point

that.

Should it then be parentheses lower down and not D's nuts?

Yeah.

To incorporate the earlier, more popular phrase to give a turbo boost to the Milk Deez Titties.

I don't think it needs it.

I think Milk Dees Titties works on the field.

How about we make them both?

One polyester, one cotton, and we see if it catches on.

You can't milk nuts.

Well, you can, actually.

All right.

We'll take a break.

We just find out that our funding from PBS has been cut.

It says right here.

And

Sona, you go and read up on some basic biology.

Let's get into it.

Yeah.

Well, in a way, my guest today,

very, I mean,

Sona?

What are you?

Sona.

I'm sorry.

What's that?

Nothing.

My RoboCop thing is going off.

Yeah.

And I'm saying, no, no, no.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

If Sona's editing herself, it's time to call.

Now I really want to.

Remes, believe it or not.

My guest today is a hilarious comedian who's currently on his big dumb eyes world tour.

God, he's good.

Tickets are available at natebargatzi.com.

We're thrilled he's here today.

I love him.

Hilarious comedian, lovely fellow.

Nate Bargatzi, welcome.

We've known each other a long time.

I met you, what was the year that you first came on my late night show?

2008.

You made my first late night appearance.

Yeah.

And it was late night coming.

I think I saw somewhere you were describing the experience of pulling up to 30 Rock, and you hadn't done a late night show before.

No.

Were you nervous about that?

Well, you said that this is where I didn't know New York.

They go, Limo's going to come pick you up, but it's just a town car.

But I'm from Nashville, so I'm like, you just are throwing the word limo around.

I'm expecting a real limo.

Yeah.

But it was just a town car.

You're like, all right.

You know, I mean, I was still excited, but it was like, all right, a little deflating.

i thought it was gonna be limo and then you wanted to put your head through the window yeah like you're on prom night

he was wearing i remember he came on and he was wearing a low-cut dress yes yeah he was all excited for promoting a corsage yeah they uh so then we pulled up front it was me and my wife and then all the there's people got cameras taking pictures of the guests that are going to be on conan uh the coming out of the car and so right when they pull up i'm like ah this is not going to be good You know, because I'm just my first time doing late night.

Julie Lewis Dreverson, I think, was on the show.

So they're looking for that.

And then I come out and right when I walk out,

one of them goes, it's nobody.

Oh!

And yeah.

And then one guy did take a picture.

He didn't even hold it up to his eye to make sure.

He just kind of.

held it.

Shot from his chest.

Yeah.

And he goes, I guess just because he saw me, he's like, yeah, might as well just see if something.

And then you can hear him press delete.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's a very audible sound.

Trust me.

Many a paparazzi has deleted the photo while I'm standing there.

You know what happened too on my first one with you?

Because I was saying with comedians, if we mess up on stage, because you're up there alone.

And so when you usually like right when you get off stage, if you did said something wrong, you're saying it to whoever the first person comes near you because you just haven't talked to anybody.

And I messed up, no one would even be able to tell, but in my head, I I knew I messed up a joke.

And when you came over and you're like, Neighbor Getsi, and you're like, all right, whatever.

And then you shake your hand again.

I go back to you, go, I think I messed up that one joke.

And you're like, I don't.

All right.

And then we just walk back.

Like there was,

it wasn't like it was a, you know, it was like, I stumbled a word.

Yeah.

But I remember just, I always tell people that story.

Like the first thing I said to Conan when he comes over, I'm like, I think I messed up.

You're like, I don't.

All right.

It's all good.

It's all good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But also, I'm a huge fan of yours.

And it's nice because I've encountered you a bunch of times out in the world.

You were at the SNL 50th.

And I don't know if you remember.

I mean, I certainly remember it, but I got invited by Martin Short.

Like, do you want to come have dinner with Steve and I are going to have some caviar and champagne the night before the 50th, you know, to sort of pregame.

I thought he was joking about the caviar and champagne.

And I show up, and it's the two of them there.

And you're there too.

And

I don't know about you, but I will never be jaded about Steve Martin and Martin Short.

Do you know what I mean?

And so I was just, I think like you, just happy to be there.

You know, I was, yeah, I just happened to punch, I was walking out and they were like, hey, we're going up to have dinner.

They didn't, I didn't, they didn't tell me you were coming.

And they just said, we're going up to have dinner.

And I was, and they're like, I was actually funny.

I was, I was going to meet Spade.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then

you're like, all right, let me go out there.

And like, I just went out there and selled them a little bit.

And I'm kind of like, I got to, you know, I need to get all that.

And, but it's crazy because you're talking to Steve Bar Marshort.

And then Conan, then you come, and then you're like, I mean, it's just sitting there.

You're like, this is the most thrilled dinner.

I've never had caviar.

That's the first time I met caviar.

I'm not a fan of caviar.

I don't know if you were you to do that.

I liked it there, but I could have been swept up in the moment.

I'm not against it's off-brand for you.

Yes, yes.

And I could have just been in that moment being like, it's the best thing ever.

I was really happy because we got to hang out a little there.

And then after the Oscars, I go to this after party.

I think it was a Vanity Fair party.

And I run into you and a friend.

And we just, I think I talked to you guys for a long time.

I felt like safe with you guys.

Like, this will be nice.

I can hang out with these guys.

We did too.

Yeah.

I think comedians are kind of just tend to go.

I don't, you know, because when you're at those parties, you're like, I don't know what I'm going to say to

half these actors.

Like, I don't, you know, it's like, but with us, we just went over there and we all just hung out and it was the best.

Yeah.

Just found a corner and then just chewed the fat.

It was really fun.

There's a safety when you fill it with other comedians that you're like, you know, you're not going to say anything wrong, where no one's going to get mad.

Or not that you said two things that were wrong, and I got real mad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But those are, you know,

you said my lips are thin and unappealing.

Yeah.

I know.

Talk about my prominent eye vein.

That's what I told my buddy Nick.

I go, I think we got to get out of here.

Conan's pretty upset.

I've been delighted for

everything you've made happen.

You are spectacularly funny.

You talk a lot about how you're all about normal.

You're just a normal person.

You're exactly average.

And I think you've been very good at comedically exploring that realm.

And I understand what you're saying, but you're also not.

You are insanely talented.

When I watch you.

do comedy, you have such a natural style that I don't think your heart rate increases at all when you go from backstage to you get up on stage.

I think you burn maybe three calories the whole set.

I put on calories.

I'm always watching you gain weight, usually around the middle.

He's getting bigger by the end of these breaks.

But you know, there's,

and there's such a

economy of words.

There's not a wasted word anywhere in there, but it appears as if you're just talking about what's on your mind.

And I know there's a lot of thinking and work that goes into that, but you make it look like anyone can do this.

And I think that in that way, you are anything but average.

I think you are quite singular in your ability to be.

The greatest average.

Yes, you are.

That's what I'm saying.

I have a special called The Greatest Average America.

Yeah.

I was talking about Tennessee with.

Well, thank you for saying all that stuff.

Okay.

That's not, yeah.

Yeah.

I was going to go into like a Tennessee bit now.

It wasn't a bit.

I don't even address it.

I'm not going to do a bit.

I wasn't going to do a bit.

Hold on a second.

Let me black out this tooth.

Yeah.

Big barn.

If those revenues come from us, still.

There, I had to get that out.

Yeah.

No, it was good.

Well, I meant everything I said, but I also love how...

I don't think so many people are altered by fame.

You seem like someone who has not changed in any way.

I hope not.

I mean, it's, yeah, you just do crazy things.

I live in Nashville.

I live, we live in a cul-de-sac.

Like, I mean, we keep everything as normal as we can.

Yeah.

And moving back home was a big part of that.

But I appreciate that about the words because it is,

it is conversational and people think it's just like, I'm up there just talking.

But it's, I'm not a

great,

I've never was a crowd work person.

I can't, I'm not good with, I don't like, I like knowing what I'm doing.

It's very planned.

Yep.

And I know what I'm going to get on with, get out with.

I make sure it's all trained.

Like it is, yeah, it's a whole.

Well, I'm going to be boring for a second because this is something I want to know.

And

sometimes I think there might be people out there that think, oh, don't, you know, when Conan talks about comedy or they might think it, it gets too nerdy and in the weeds.

But I'd love to know what your process is.

Do you,

when you think of these ideas, do you sit down and write it out?

Or is this something

and you edit it and you work it?

Or how does it work?

How does Nick Bergasi do this?

I write the,

a lot of times I come up with the funny part first.

And so I'll put that maybe in my notes on my phone, but I don't write it out outside of that.

Then I just think about it.

And I just, and I'm really big on how you present it in the transitions and how you get, I think that's something that I've learned over time that it's like the jokes.

You know, when you write a script or anything where you want to go joke, jokes are the easiest thing for comedians, especially.

It's like, that's going to to be easy.

We can go throw a script down and everybody can pitch 500 jokes on it.

But it's making it make sense and making it flow.

And that's got to flow.

And that's the part that I'll let it sit in my head.

I just kind of think about it.

all day and I just like there'll be different times they're like oh you know what I'll put that there and maybe I grab one lit I had a joke the big one uh that I talked about is I had a joke uh buying iced coffee with milk at Starbucks that everybody talks about so I tried originally write it it, come up with a joke about how with milk,

you don't buy it.

Like I never have it unless like a woman was in my house.

So my mom, we had milk and then the little bit, the hour I was lived alone until I met my wife,

there was no milk.

And then back of my wife's now, we have milk.

Yeah.

So it was just, I try to make that a whole

this is the service women provide.

Yes.

With them comes milk.

In many ways.

In many ways.

Yeah.

They're good.

This is what they have milk.

So it's like it's just in them.

You know?

It's ironic that the providers of milk also insist milk be present.

But anyway, we'll get into that later.

This is funny.

This is the part I go, no, you can leave this in.

Yeah.

I bet you leave this in.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah.

But anyway, so it was some, it was the idea of that.

And then I could never make it work as its own joke.

So in that Starbucks joke, I just, I put like, I've never bought milk publicly in the history of my life.

So, all of that whole, you hope it's going to be this big chunk, and it's not.

Yeah.

And it becomes one sentence in a story, but that it really expands that story.

So, I grab a lot of stuff for parts, and you go, all right, well, that can't.

That's obviously, it's not good.

It didn't work as good as this.

Is the best it's ever worked, to be honest.

By the way, it's uh, yeah,

and someone has a tough audience, he said, lying.

Um,

uh,

you talk about little jokes.

You had a, it's a small, it's not like a big hunk, but you have this small run where you talk about

how you'd be a terrible time traveler because you'd go back in time and you wouldn't be able to prove that you were from the future because you don't know how anything works.

And the minute you laid out the premise, I like lay down on the floor and said, okay,

I love this premise because it's true.

I mean, I love jokes about history and I'm kind of fascinated by history and I work that vein a lot.

But I also know that if they sent me back in time, I would be of little use.

But you talk about how you couldn't prove it because you'd say, oh, no, we have something called cell phones.

Well, how do they work?

I don't know.

And I thought the ideas are so fantastic because A, they're true and they're really elegant.

And you obviously you put yourself down a lot, which appeals to me because I was always very comfortable making fun of myself.

If I do find out that I've hurt someone's feelings, if I ever found out that I really did bother Matt or Sona, I think I would be sick to my stomach.

Oh, we should tell you then.

Yeah, some things.

Can't hear you.

Eduardo just killed the.

Something's wrong with him.

I can hear him just fine.

No, no, no, I can't.

No, I get this on the wire on my end.

We'll just start

making a list.

But anyway,

I know.

I agree with that.

Yeah.

I would feel more mortified if I hurt someone's feelings.

And that's why I always wrote it inwardly.

and if you make fun of yourself, you can go as far as you want.

But there's there's a, there is something you got to do.

You can't, you got to, you can make fun of yourself, but you, uh, you have to do it.

You just have to show love is what I've learned over time.

So like, even if you talk about your family or wife or even yourself, you have to at least show some love or people won't go with it.

When I first started doing jokes about my wife, which is, it was, I could tell when they, when I was younger, they were like, well, why are you even married?

You're like, well, this is not coming out the way it's supposed to be coming out.

Then I need to, and you have to have that balance where I can make fun of her,

me, and I kind of do it through me a little bit more.

And as long as you're making fun of yourself and putting yourself as the, you know, the loser.

I think you're right.

When you talk about love coming out of it, affection, being good natured about it, I think those are all crucial.

And you can't come up with that as a formula that I think has to be in you, that has to be part of your personality.

And I know you were raised.

I mean, you've talked a lot about it.

There's probably nothing I can bring up on this podcast that you haven't discussed, but your childhood, your parents having really strong values and imparting that to you.

Yeah, yeah.

You did this, I mean, this great thing that I thought was hilarious where you're over at friends' houses and you're watching, they're going to watch a movie that's

Friday the 13th, and you stood up and said, I cannot watch this.

You do the jokes.

It's really, I mean,

I'm blanking on it now.

Oh, you say, you say, I know, I say, I'm not allowed to, I don't think I'm allowed to watch this.

Yeah, and you're, and I thought other people would join in.

Yeah, and you stood up and said, We were not 17,

like it said we're supposed to be, right?

You were 16 and a half.

Yeah.

But my favorite part, you say that, and the woman, the mom there, comes in and says, Well, maybe we just don't tell your parents.

And you say, Well, that's going to be hard because I just phoned them and they're on their way.

Such a great joke.

Yeah.

Blair, I've been to your apartment many times.

Look, I don't know if you know this, but I'm an interior decorator now.

I've heard, yes.

Specifically with Ashley.

And you have great taste.

I think you need to zhuzh it up a little bit.

Okay.

Especially your...

sofa.

Your sofa is horrendous.

I play a lot of video games.

Honestly, the couches are sagging and it's my back is really hurting.

So I really could use some new furniture and your help in picking out something.

It's going to look nice.

It's going to last me for a long time.

I picked out a few sofas that I think might fit your vibe a little bit.

Okay.

This has a recliner.

It's got lights on the bottom and it's got cup holders.

I like this a lot.

Now, would you see me as a leather guy or a cloth guy?

Look, I run hot.

I'm sweaty all the time.

Me, Doug.

You know what?

I'm not even going to make fun of you for that because so am I.

That's what friendship's all about, sweating together.

Let's see you the next one.

I like this a lot.

I like the speaker in it.

I like the color.

I like the cloth.

Yeah.

Here's the thing.

I don't want to go to the store to pick this up.

I understand.

And this is the beauty of Ashley.

Ashley provides fast, reliable white glove delivery right to your door.

That's great.

I think when I see this, it's not just a new sofa.

It's a new life.

It's a new beginning.

I love it.

Visit your local Ashley store or head to Ashley.com to find your style.

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Hey, football season coming up.

Yeah.

I'm excited.

Do you have a football team you like?

I mean, I grew up a Raiders fan.

My brother was really into it.

But now I'm a Rams fan because I like any team that's in LA.

I don't.

I'm from Boston, so it's Patriots all the way.

It's going to be Patriots.

Love it, though.

I always get excited from tailgates to a watch party, celebrating all season long means more moments with the coolest people in your life.

You know, I get my crew together when we watch football.

Because they love football as much as I do.

Coolest guys.

Yeah.

They'll come in their little cut-off midrip bearing t-shirts.

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We all have a blast.

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Your stuff is really funny, and I don't see crazy exaggeration in there.

A lot of of it feels true.

I will crazily exaggerate when it's necessary, but I have found that the hardest laughs come out of something that really happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's and that's the fun part is like trying to figure out how to, because you can have little moments.

And so how do you like even in that moment is like, it's a funny idea that the kid, that I called my parents and then I went home is what really happened.

And then, but then it's like, how do you tell that in a way that's like not just a fun, you know, like your friend at a school.

Oh, my kid went into this real fast.

Yeah.

So it's, and that's the presentation of it and like tell them on the journey is like, because it's one little thing that you're like, everybody's had happen to them, but it's how do you package it so they go along with it.

You know, one joke that I had that I want to tell you is when I did, when you were here in

LA, when you were in TBS, and I had a joke about getting in a fight, my buddy took a, we took a bite out of his hamburger and then he thought some, he just immediately thought someone else did it at the restaurant.

He got up to go fight him.

And we had to like calm him down.

And it's a whole story.

But

this was back when I sent that joke into Letterman to do it.

And they told me it was mundane.

And so I had to look up.

I didn't know what mundane meant.

And so I was in my head, I'm like, I bet it's not great.

Like, I don't, you know.

I picture you carrying a dictionary.

Oh, yeah.

I was on a rope around your neck.

I looked at it.

So mundane wasn't good.

It wasn't a flattering thing.

But then

I was, you know, I think I just did yours.

I couldn't do that.

You swack when you're doing all these late nights.

But then I went to you and you let me do it.

And that always meant the most to me because I told Letterman this.

He was mortified.

I was happy.

I'm glad.

I was glad too.

Like it felt, it was like, I, you know, because that was a joke that I was like, once I learned what mundane meant, I was like, well, I don't think it's that.

Yeah.

But it's you, you've always let comics, us come on your show and do stand-up and was very pro-stand-up.

And so you were.

Oh, well,

I'm glad it all worked out.

The way my perspective is always different, I've had stand-ups, many stand-ups thank me for their time on the show.

And I think, what are you talking about?

You came in, Nate,

four times and you were really funny for six minutes, made the show better, and brought your talent and put your shoulder to the wheel.

And that was six minutes that I didn't have to sweat.

So it's not that I didn't

you were doing me a favor, too.

That's true.

Yeah, you should present me.

And frankly, I found that story very mundane.

He told every of all the writers, we got a mundane one tonight.

I think I said it in your intro.

Our next mundane comic hails from Old Hickory, Tennessee.

Don't worry, folks.

He doesn't know what that means.

I come out.

Oh, you know what?

It reminds me is it reminds me of this great

thing.

You came out and you were holding the dictionary.

dictionary like, what?

You remind me a lot.

And this is the highest compliment I can pay any stand-up or any comedian.

You remind me a lot of Bob Newhart in that your stuff is, I'm sure you've heard this before, but very seemingly simple and delivered very quietly and as if it's just occurring to you in a very humble way with a straight face.

And the jokes are beautiful.

And you just reminded me of a Bob Newhart joke.

Bob Newhart Newhart has this joke, which is, you know, I don't really like country music, but I don't want to condescend to those people who do.

And by the way, if you like country music, condescend means to talk down to.

And I always thought like that is a perfect, I've said this before, but a really good joke, you can riff and you can goof around and it's like, there can be a good spirit to it, but it's very, it's like.

packing peanuts that come when you open a box.

It's there's not much to it.

A really good joke feels like a diamond in your hand.

It has weight.

It's like a little gold ingot.

you can feel it that's a joke newhart's joke and your jokes feel like oh no no no this has actual value you can write this on a on a stone and hand it to people and like 500 years from now it's still going to be funny you've got so many of them you're crazily prolific and i think one of the times you came on our show you had i think you came on a second time or a third time pretty quickly after after the first time after the first time you came back pretty soon and people were saying well you can't come back that quickly because how manager told i didn't tell them they they well you just had millennia so this is a long term so mulaney just did it and mulaney came back pretty quick uh like i mean like like you know three months or something like that and so then y'all were doing more auditions this comedy club eastville and i was like oh i want to try to do it again than my manager at the time which they were great uh i mean they like but they they're they're they're like some of my favorite managers uh but they all just it was back in the day new york days and they were uh they go you can't do it again and i I was like, why not?

And they go, they don't let people come back.

I go, well, John, Mulaney just came back.

Not saying I was even Mulaney, but just like being like, well, just there's a lot.

Give it a shot.

Give it a shot.

And so they go, no.

And then I just got that.

I was like, well, I'm going to go try to get on the thing.

So I just did the.

I went and did it and the audition.

And I got it without them.

They found out.

I wasn't going to tell them.

I was just trying to see if I could get on the show and then have them find out with me on the show.

Because

my own managers were like, no.

It was very funny to me.

Your own team's like, I wouldn't even try again.

Because we got lucky with that first one.

So

let's not push it.

You should probably just,

you should go work at the steel mill now.

Because John Mulaney did it.

You're no John Mulaney.

All right.

I think we know what we're talking about.

These are great managers.

You want to do comedy some more?

Yeah.

Isn't it something you do once and then you work the fields?

They're the best.

Sure.

And the best

stories and i guess you're still not with them

no i'm not with them anymore

well i guess they really are the best then they're the best it's i had the most fun stories like it's it's like they're you know it's when you first get managers where you're like they're they're just very fun stories uh and so then i went and did it and then they they conan your people called which i didn't know they were going to do and they go all right we got nate tonight on and whatever and so then he's like so you got it i go well you told me i couldn't do it again Yeah.

And so then he came down.

And then we did it.

And he took a commission on the thing that he didn't get you.

Yeah, yeah.

I like it.

Trust me, I've had my experience with that in the early days.

You can't do that.

Oh, I understand it's happening.

Send the check to

1515 Milster Boulevard.

Okay, you called me a loser.

Yes, you are.

Send the check

just to me, not to anyone else.

So I used to have another manager that when I first got it, I would call his office and

his wife was the secretary.

And then he would answer the phone, or she would answer it, be like, Let me see if he's in.

And it would be like 35 seconds, a minute.

You'd be waiting, and then she'd be like, he's not here.

And then one day he invites me to his office.

His office is in his garage and her desk is touching his desk.

So then you're like, where were you for the minute?

And then I'd

it was

and I had another one where the guy would, he would answer his phone, and you could tell it was his voice.

And he'd be like,

answering for his name.

And then you'd be like, oh, is he there?

Snake calling.

He goes, let me see if he's in.

And then you hang up.

And again, you wait a minute.

And he goes, hey,

yeah, I'm in.

You're like, yeah, that was you.

You're acting like your own secretary.

Yeah.

I used to love, in the old days, it was fun.

I would, when I got treated like that, to say, was it someone else's turn with the phone booth?

Like,

just I was pictured, these people in a phone booth.

Yes, yes.

It's quite busy here at Talent Co.

You called it a good time.

Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.

That's your third quarter.

When are you going to get out of the way so I can make my call?

My wife's in labor.

My wife's in labor.

Come on.

Well, the reason most people don't repeat that quickly is that they build up a really good set, and it takes a long time for the well to refill.

And to your credit, you're, and I'll say this about John Mulaney too, you guys are crazily prolific.

Which brings me to my next point.

You have had,

I can't walk five feet in America without seeing your face.

You are a huge success.

And I'm wondering how you're processing all of that.

Yeah, it's very different.

I think you get used to it.

Or you're not used to it.

But, you know, some of the hardest parts of this is when you don't know if they know you because then I can't, I don't know what to do.

I'm either going to be a lunatic to this person or like, why is he acting like he has control of the whole room?

Or they are fans.

I don't know.

So I always thought, well, if I can get everybody to know, then I'm a little more in control.

So if you walk in a room, you can just be like, hey, what's up?

And you kind of know they know you.

So you can kind of make everybody feel like a fun room and we're all friends.

And so when you're in that middle phase where it is straight up 50-50, if you, I can't tell if are they, you know, do they know me?

And then you'll be like, oh, I'm a comedian.

They're like, yeah, I know.

And you're like, well, you gave off like you didn't know at all.

Right.

And so

you're screwed either way if you say, hi, yeah,

I ordered a coffee and it's for Nate Bergatzi.

Yeah, we know.

Yeah.

You're Nate.

And so, but if you say, we ordered a coffee and I think you know who I am, you're a dick too.

Yes.

Yes.

It's a hard balance.

In an overall perspective, how I try to handle it, that's a deeper feeling.

Is I really try to remind myself that it's not about me.

And so I'm living a life of service.

Right before I go on stage, I remind myself this has nothing to do with me.

This is not about me.

It's not a celebration of me.

It's a show for everybody in that crowd, and I need to do the best show for them.

That's great.

And so that's how I've, I learned that once I

did.

So

starting out, I always wanted to play Bridgetown Arena in Nashville.

And

our arena.

And so, you know, 20 years, I didn't really think I would get there, but I kind of daydreamed that, you know, I was handing out flyers in New York City and all this stuff.

And you're coming up and you're like, oh, man, what if I can do this one day?

And then

that was sort of the bucket list thing.

I want to do Bridgestone Arena.

Yeah, yeah.

It was just kind of far away.

And you, you know, it's kind of daydream.

It's like, I'm not, it's a, it's a goal that your, your goals should actually be simple.

They should be like, you'd be embarrassed if you can't get them.

And then your dream should be embarrassed to say them out loud.

And so you just kind of have your goals are like, I'm trying not to hand out flyers.

Well, what do I got to do to stop that?

And that's a realistic goal because you're like, it's just a guy one level.

It's achievable.

It's achievable.

And so you can then figure out, all right, I got to do this.

How do you get on late night?

And then once you get in late night, you're like, all right, I've kind of got in late.

So if I keep doing late night and get TV credits, I can do cruise ships if I have to.

Like you can do whatever with, you know.

But then when I did Bridgestone and we sold the most tickets ever, ever 250 people.

250 people.

It's a big room I just looked it up it's a very he says arena and that's cute but I guess

it's made of stone

it's a it's a horse arena there you go

and all seen about a small dream yeah no how many people is it Bridgestone Arena it's 19,365 and then so but it's that night I remember having a feeling of like like what What am I like what do you you know I've been looking at that dream for 20 years and so then you're like well what is there What am I looking at now?

You know, and then you just got to kind of find, and what I've started with, like, my Nateland company is like, you just find something else that you, you realize, like, oh, I need to have something else.

Yeah.

And you put it out there, then

have a daydream and do the same, do the same thing, see if it happens.

This is amazing.

You're going to make, you call it an amusement park?

Yeah, I guess, I guess.

I won't find out.

I'm going to call it.

This was not amusing at all.

I was not amused.

We We want to be a decent park.

Yeah.

Just where people.

Set the bar low.

Yeah, yeah.

A place you can go.

We're a little bit above a Buckeys.

Like it's Buckeyes, then we're just a little bit above Bucky's.

A B amusement park.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, good luck with that.

And

I just love the idea of you looking at different, people are going to be making sketches and drawings of different rides and things, and you're going to be saying,

or

a little more of this.

A little bit more steeper.

Yeah, steeper.

More danger.

More dangerous.

Is there a mascot?

Is there going to be like a mascot of you?

I don't know.

Look, I mean, this is so.

This is, we're very early.

Obviously, this could all crumble and fall apart and go nowhere.

The idea of it is like theaters.

I don't think theaters are

like, you know, they're not going away.

Like, people love going out and to do stuff, and there's just not stuff for them to go do.

So if you can go make movies where a family can go out, I love taking my daughter daughter to the movies.

It's a great experience.

A lot of this Hollywood, I would say Hollywood out here, basically they've gotten so far off where they're either making an animated movie or a horror movie and there's nothing really to go to.

And then a lot of stuff's on Netflix.

So you're just kind of at home.

So I think experiences is something that.

you know, you're seeing even younger kids really want to do experiences.

They want to go do something.

You know, the idea of like, we used to get dropped off at the theme park at Opryland and you could just go hang out with your friends all day.

And you want to, like, I want to give that to a parent because that's like, even for that kid, like, they get to go be around their 15-year-old friends.

And it's part of growing up, and it's the fun aspect and have a safe place for them to go do that where you know you, you know, you can trust they can do it.

Like, you know, I like the old-timey, like, people worked at Ford, their whole family worked for Ford.

Like, you know, the idea of that where people just worked at this company and they had real pride.

You see, like, an older person that worked for like a Ford, they will defend Ford to their death.

And I, like, I loved, I love the pride of whatever they did, that it was like a company.

My first car that I bought was a Ford.

And

the first new car that I had, I had a lot of crappy old cars.

Your Ford Taurus?

My Ford Taurus.

Yes.

And guess what?

They just found it.

It was involved in a crime.

Did you try to dig it for insurance reasons?

I'm telling you, this is a true story.

Three days ago, I get a message from Jason Chalemi, who's been with me forever, who's my right hand.

And

he said he knew someone who worked over at Warner Brothers and he asked them to drop by this, their parking garage and just look around.

And they sent back photos of the 92 Ford Taurus that I owned that I had through.

I got that show.

I mean, I got that show.

It is a show.

It's a super high output.

I got that Ford Taurus.

I got that Ford Taurus

when I'm in my 20s and I had submitted a packet to The Simpsons and didn't know what was going to happen.

And I was so cautious about money, but I just decided, I'm getting a new car.

And I get a 92 Ford Taurus.

And then I got the job with The Simpsons.

So that became my car in LA.

And I had all these adventures in that car.

And it became a standard thing that everyone knew about me.

Yeah.

And it always got a laugh.

It would come up a lot of times with celebrities where they would say, well, I drive a, I just got a new Ferrari or something.

And they'd go, what do you drive, Cohen?

I'd say, 1992 Ford Taurus SHO, super high output.

And it would get a laugh.

And I'd be like, no, I'm being honest.

That's what I really have.

What are you going to do with it now that you're going to get it?

I want to get it.

I want to chronicle this, but I want to get it rehabbed and bring it back.

And I'm so excited.

It is covered in grime.

This person took photos, which we can post.

It is covered in dust, but it's got its inspection sticker from 1992.

Yeah.

It was just on a lot.

It's in the parking garage at this moment at Warner Brothers.

I don't know why they haven't towed it away.

It's got, we did a bit with it when I went through the whole tonight show thing where I'm coming to work and I assure the audience, I think he has a little tension with NBC right now when we shot this thing where I pull in to the parking lot and suddenly all this gunfire breaks out and all these squibs went off of my car and it blew holes in my car.

Are those holes still there?

Their holes are still there.

And its claim to fame is that the

clutch is stripped because Brad Pitt did a bit with it once and got in it and

peeled out, which I didn't know he was going to do.

It's got a stick shift and he's it says forward torus with a stick shift that's the novelty and he peeled out in this thing like the f1 you know superman that he is and later on i noticed wow the clutch is all brad pitt fucked up my ford taurus and who can say that brad pitt fucked up my ford taurus so i want to bring it back maybe you and i will take a ride around yeah i would love it i like a stick shift i have a stick shift i do too yeah it's i would i joke if you ever want to uh if you want to valet and leave your car up front just drive a stick shift because they don't.

They don't want to.

Like, I mean, no, if they're younger, they don't know how to do it.

And if they're lucky, they got like a cook in the kitchen that's like,

that hasn't done.

And like, he goes out.

He's like, all right, everybody, turn around.

Don't look at me.

No one, no one look at what I'm doing because he's got to get back into it.

He used to, it's how he learned, but he's like, give me a second.

It's been a while.

Turn your backs.

Hold on.

Put buckets over your heads.

I have to ask you because

a couple of things.

One,

you talk a lot about these restaurants that were your favorites when you were a kid and they're still your favorites.

Like you talk a lot about Applebee's, places like that.

And I was thinking, I relate to this because when I first came out to L.A., I think I was pretty, I was not a worldly person, but I remembered when I first, when I get out of college, I come out to LA and I was so excited.

There was a Denny's across the street from where I worked.

And I could, I remembered it dawning on me, no one's in charge of me anymore anymore and I'm making my own money.

I can go to Denny's anytime I want.

And I felt like I was

the king of the Nile.

You know, I felt like the greatest.

And I would go over there and I'd be like, I'll have an extra large Coke and no one can stop me.

And I'm 22.

You'd think I'd have been a little more sophisticated, but I've always had a soft spot.

I relate this place so much.

I think I have a big problem because of that reason.

Like it was like getting all this fast food.

I like not that you can't eat it, but I eat it so much.

And it's that aspect because no one can tell me I can't do it.

Yeah.

Because growing up, if you went to McDonald's or went out to eat, it was kind of like a big night.

It wasn't like

you weren't getting it all the time.

Right.

So it was a big deal.

And then once I, you

live on your own and you make your own money.

And then you're like, well, I can just go.

I mean, I can go to McDonald's like at any point.

And now we've got down a little slippery slope.

I had.

My dad was a lovely man and never got angry.

But when he did get angry, it was always about the smallest thing.

And I remember my brother Justin tells me this story, but he got us food from McDonald's and we came in and we were, and I mean, again, I cannot stress enough what a lovely man my dad was.

But he starts unpacking all the McDonald's food and then he realizes he got the chicken McNuggets, but the guy forgot to put sauce in.

And he's looking around for the sauce.

And he's getting more and more uptight.

And you can see him gritting his teeth.

And then he opens up the bag, and the kid forgot to put the sauce in.

And he just, he starts

shivering with anger.

And he just swag,

shit.

Like, this is a guy who, if I came in and said, Dad, I just totaled the family station wagon.

He'd be like, well, I'm glad you're safe.

But it was the smallest thing.

Shit!

Jesus.

If you wrap your head, because you're you're once you accept that you're going to do this too,

it's like that's what's so frustrating.

When you're like, I'm going to eat chicken nuggets, I was like, oh,

I'm going to have that sweet and whatever, sweet and sour sauce, whatever.

They got hot mustard.

I'm a big fan of hot mustard.

But then, yeah, and you just have it all pictured.

And then when it's not there, the only reason you're eating chicken nuggets is for the sauce.

Yeah.

You're not eating them.

For the vest.

You can get chicken anywhere.

Eat a dry nug.

Yeah.

Hard pass.

Are your

house ketchup?

Like, you're just like,

so disappointing.

No, I know that my dad, a very good man, is in heaven right now.

And God is saying to him, you led an exemplary life.

But about the McNuggets moment.

And my dad is probably holding his ground.

No, he's in heaven.

He's just eating all the sauce.

But you know what?

It makes my dad angry.

The guy's up there, too.

He died two years later in a terrible shootout.

I made that up.

I don't know what happened to that kid.

I think your dad murdered him.

God, they have one job.

Yeah.

I have to bring up what I believe is the Washington sketches.

They got to be in the Smithsonian.

Those are works of art.

I was blown away by that, as was everyone.

I was so happy that it went viral.

I was curious before this interview and I checked it out.

It's like 28 million people have watched it.

I mean, it's just,

and it's great because it's all true.

That's what I love about it.

It's all true.

And in that New Heart spirit, all of it is exactly accurate.

And it's touching on some really powerful stuff

with Keenan.

And it's done just perfectly.

It's just, it's really.

Streeter and Mikey.

Streeter said, oh, Mikey today.

Yeah.

Just great.

Just really great.

And

is it fun?

When you go out there with a sketch that good, it must be really fun to do that in front of a crowd at SNL.

Yeah.

Well, that sketch.

That's only the first time.

Yeah.

Well, it almost didn't make it because during the table read, I did it.

And I'm like, I'm so, i just you know used to performing for a live audience so when it's just everybody's kind of quiet and you're reading it like i'm not reading it very fun because it's like it's just awkward and so when we got for the dress rehearsals it was on the maybe side and i really liked it and i was like because i knew it i was like it'll do good once i'm in front of a crowd like i just need yeah like timing you know it's hard to have timing and uh lauren put it in at the uh he was like all right we can try it last and then we tried it last and dressers under destroyed and then move up to third.

Now, here's my pet peeve: did Lorne enunciate?

He Lauren reads the stage directions at the read-through.

Yeah, did he enunciate or was he eating food at the time?

He gives popcorn, yeah, little popcorn, popcorn, he used to have popcorn, and he used to have like carrots, and you'd work all night on a sketch and be like, This is a perfect sketch.

And then I'd forget, it depends.

But Lorne, if he was in a, having the little hankering for something, you know, like we, we open on and then crunch, crunch, crunch.

I love that you still remember that.

Oh, I do.

And I feel like swallow an infinite direction.

And it'd be a key direction, like what the audience sees immediately that he's dressed as an astronaut.

And Lauren would say, the audience sees immediately.

And then people aren't laughing because they don't know he's an astronaut.

And then

we pan to...

They don't know he's in that.

Why is he in space?

Yeah, exactly.

It's a moon landing.

No, read, read it yourself.

Don't just listen to Lauren.

Yeah, if he had been eating, they wouldn't have known that you're George Washington and you're talking to the troops.

Hello, my people.

This isn't funny.

This blows.

Who cares about weights and measures?

Hey, you're hosting the Emmys.

I am.

They are very lucky to have you.

You're going to have a blast.

I'm excited.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

You killed it on the Oscars.

So it was it was very fun that night too to see you just because it was like so perfect and it was so fun and then it was like that it seemed like after that party like you're just like oh yeah you know when you're like this dude killed it like it was the best that was fun and uh yeah but then being you're gonna you're they're fortunate we're in an era where not everybody

the good people don't always get to do it and i think it's great that you're doing it i think you're gonna have you're gonna have a really fun time and people are gonna be very happy that you're doing it so Well, thank you.

Yeah, I'm excited.

Is there any like, you know, I've not watched all the shows.

That's the, that's the part.

I got to get on that.

Oh, yeah, you got to watch the shows.

And

I know this, I mean, I know generally.

Yeah, you just.

I've seen all the commercials.

That's enough.

I feel like that should count.

Is that enough?

Yeah.

Just only the commercials.

Yeah.

You should do all your jokes about the commercials that air around the shows.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, because if you make yourself happy, it's going to be fantastic.

And that's the only thing.

The only trick is make yourself happy.

We have some pretty fun ideas

for some stuff.

So I'm looking forward to it.

And it's the monologue is,

you know, that's just with kind of doing stand-up.

So it's like I'm looking at, luckily,

I had a couple jokes that I had that kind of can fit in this kind of scenario.

So then you're going to be able to put that in there and then just really work on the monologue.

And,

you know, it's like, I think we have some sketch stuff because you don't have as much time as you

think.

That's what's,

I think it's like 12 minutes or something.

You know what the thing is?

It's not.

Total.

Yeah.

So that's every like, like, and it's well, I think you can get more because you're Nate Bergatzi.

I think you can get more time, but.

Yeah, you don't want to be there.

No, exactly.

But the other thing is,

I always remind myself.

the times I've done award shows when I would do the Emmys or when the Oscars, I'd always remind myself, this is not my show.

This show is about other people.

I'm here to perform a very specific job.

Because people would come up to me and say, hey, why didn't you, why don't you switch the categories of like, hey, it's not my, you know, how come this takes so long?

Or what was that about?

I'm like, it's not my show.

My job is to just do the best I can with the time I have and really try and make it fun.

And so, yeah, it's not a lot of time when you boil it down.

It's less time than people think it is.

But

you're going to have a great night and you should just enjoy it.

I'll tell you what, I've been very happy with CBS.

Because

we were shooting some promos and some of the jokes that they that some of the producers and they have written were very very funny and self-deprecating and I could tell they were written with me and mine.

So I was very excited to be like, you know what, I think CBS is like they get it and they're gonna, at least for this immediate, like they're they understand and like they're being like, yeah, just go be you.

And I don't feel like there's any,

you know, just from that phase of it.

And the promos we shot were very funny, I think.

They're, it's real simple.

Yeah.

They know that they have a great host.

They do.

They know that and they want you to be happy.

So

make yourself happy with everything you do in this show and it's going to be the best Emmys ever.

Seriously.

So

honored to have you here.

I'm so happy for you.

Thank you.

You're a great guy and you're crazily talented.

And

I'd love to, I'm going to get that tourist repurposed.

And I'm taking you to the Denny's and Gower Gulch

in Hollywood, which is where I used to go back in 1985 when I was just getting started.

Oh, yeah.

And it was, and I ate hundreds of pounds of food there very quickly.

Exactly the same, too.

You haven't redone anything.

I went back that podcast.

I thought I went back when we were doing the podcast.

You and I went back.

Yeah, we did.

And we had a feast.

Yeah.

this was like four years ago someone and i were in this denny's four years ago and we had a blast yeah it was fun and i was like you know i used to come here and they're like we don't care yeah i sat right over there

okay knock yourself out conan but uh continued success with everything hey and thanks man please come back anytime you want to talk about anything because i'm a your biggest fan uh yeah i would love that thank you thank you for everything you've done in my career you played way more of a part than you might think you did but you've played a giant part in my career.

So you'll be able to.

I'm very aware of what I've done for you.

And now that you're in the big money, I want compensation.

$600.

I'll fix the clutch.

I'll fix the clutch on the tourist.

Deep hit the clutch.

Yeah.

All right, Nate, take care.

Yeah, but.

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Three, two,

sir.

And we're back.

We're back.

And this is now a segment out of nowhere that's happening because Sona won't stop talking about this.

Sona goes back on the attack about how you can't milk these nuts.

I explained that, yeah, I think you can.

Matt, this is quite unusual, came in on my side.

And then Eduardo.

I said,

sorry, I'm in tears over what plays.

Well, let's reconstruct.

We got to cover that.

Guys, let's reconstruct what just happened in Dealey Plaza so that the listeners know what's happening.

Get up the red yarn.

Go ahead.

In Spanish,

you know.

Are you going to be okay, Eduardo?

Yes, it's referred to.

You're crying.

I am.

It's referred to as leche.

It is.

What is it?

You know, sperm, male sperm.

It's referred to as milk.

Yeah.

But why are you quibbling?

Because your whole thesis is premised upon the fact that you're a woman saying, suck my dick.

No, I'm saying you can't milk a dick.

You can, but you can't suck your dick.

Eduardo, whose side do you want?

Well, this is the United States of America.

I understand what they do in Mexico, but you can't.

It's milk.

It's metaphorical.

No one, no guy says,

milk this, bitch.

You don't know that.

What are guys that work on the farm routinely probably refer, you know, who knows what they say, but what I'm...

Blay, what did you have?

Well, Blay came in very earnestly.

I was just saying.

They have almond milk.

They have a thing called almond milk.

The milk of the nut.

The milk of the nut.

You're referring to the testicles as nuts, and they have their own milk.

He's like,

no, I know he is, but what I'm saying is

Blay has come in with the proof

that nuts can yield milk.

That's right.

We now have the evidence that in Mexico, a courtesy of Eduardo,

by the way, sperm is called referred to sometimes as leche.

It's literal and figuratively, there's precedence.

There's literal and figurative precedent.

You can't, but no, I'm saying you can't say it in like a sexual way.

Like, hey, I have a bag of almost

cheese nuts.

Why can't you?

Why can't you?

Because we're talking about it in the sexual sense.

I don't say

suck my dick in like uh like a like a dick is a guy i'm with and i'm like suck dick what what are you are you having a breakdown i know but what is your problem we weren't speaking sexually

yes you were you were saying milk these nuts in a sexual way you meant you meant you meant jizz it

jizz it

what do you mean milk what's wrong with what's wrong with you jiz it

i was simply saying and it wasn't in a sexual way it was someone who had gone to uh you know a center to have their sperm harvested so that they could use it uh to one day have a child not me and summer gets on a little three-legged stool and i just stand there

you were a cowbell what are we talking about what is that what i'm saying is an ejaculation does not have to be sexual you know it just doesn't wait what

you are talking about right now you've lost me what do you you mean?

It could be journalistic?

What do you mean?

When I read Robert Caro's first book on Glyndon Johnson,

I ejaculated several times as a placemarker.

I didn't have a bookmark.

And later on, I'm like, where was I?

Oh, right.

The New Deal.

Here it is.

But the pages would all stick together.

Stick together.

They don't all stick together.

And you know what?

They have to know what to do.

You use a green tea to get it off.

All right, guys.

I don't want to be taken down a path, which I don't think is right for anyone to listen to, but I am just telling you, Sona, that we have once and for all proven, and this is a rare alliance.

This is a really rare alliance.

You've got over there, you've got Putin with Eduardo.

You've got Zelensky over here with Matt, and I'm Trump.

And the three of us are in agreement that you can milk D's nuts.

Mic drop.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

You got that one.

Yeah, we sure did.

And you're with me on this one, aren't you, Eduardo?

I mean, Eduardo is.

And what about you, Blai?

Just say yes.

I don't even know what we're.

I'm not sure what the alliance is.

Yes, I'm just joining the alliance.

I'm into it, I guess.

Yeah.

Honestly, the only thing going through my head right now is I was at the first day of school with a bunch of 12-year-old parents.

Oh, my God.

All I can think about is that I talked to a mom I had never met before, and she found out what I did.

And she was like, oh, our whole family listens to the the podcast together, and we love it.

And so, that's all I can think about right now.

Oh, well,

I'm really sorry, Giles, who's the listener.

Sorry, Giles, the 12-year-old who listened to this.

Sorry, you shouldn't listen to this, and don't milk these nuts.

You'll go blind.

Well, that's all our time today.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's not how podcasts work.

Oh, definitely.

We're out of time.

All right.

Well, I guess we did some good work today.

My God.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Session, and Matt Gorley.

Produced by me, Matt Gorley.

Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Theme song by The White Stripes.

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Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

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