TOTAL PARTY KILL | Critical Role Chicago Live 2025 Part 2

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Hey there, critters.

This is Ashley Johnson And Talis and Jeffy.

And we're popping in here to talk about our new podcast on Beacon, Weird Kids.

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Welcome to Weird Kids.

New episodes release every Tuesday.

Hello there.

It's Liam O'Brien, and you're listening to part two of this episode from the Critical Role Podcast Network.

If you haven't checked out part one yet, pause this now and head over there first.

Otherwise, enjoy part two.

And let's bring us back into the story for tonight.

Okay.

Somehow pulled

and plucked from the chaos of your disparate lives,

you have endured a series of strange contests against allies, friends, strangers alike, under the guise of one MC.

After a burst of emotional, spiteful frustration, and a number of rounds of humiliation and hurt, you find yourself shunted to an oddly darkly lit green room to briefly have a moment to think

while he probably handles an ad read somewhere

but before he arrives you all look up at each other hurt exhausted and

with just a few moments alone

to talk

Oh gosh.

All right guys, I really feel like we gotta start working as a team.

Look, when I went over there

Shut up for a second, Bern and listen to Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

When I went up to him and I kind of

touched him, I got a sense of his energy.

Yeah.

There's something dark inside, like an incredibly dark manifest

and sitting in the center of his chest.

I don't know, it's hard to describe.

Wait, like actually, his chest is really hard.

I don't know.

Like a mole or something?

He should get it checked out regardless.

But I'm just saying, I think that there's like

something not right.

right.

Also, did anyone else get the sense that he's not exactly in charge here?

Yes, I kind of felt that.

Yeah, no, he seemed really sad and like he had somebody that was bossing him around and he kind of didn't want to do it.

And every time I make fun of him,

it really seemed to really pierce through a bit.

What if, what if he's on the line and if like he doesn't get approval, then like somebody kills him or something.

Whoa.

Whoa.

But it kind of feels like that's going to happen to us too.

Yeah.

But should we just like keep insulting him?

We could and then just his ego seems very fragile.

All I know is it does.

It felt terrible being on the opposite team as Caleb.

I don't like that.

A new grog, a new firm.

And the hot one.

I feel really bad.

This is exactly what losers say when they're losing.

I'm going to cast Mask Your Wounds.

Yes.

Whoa.

Wait, wait, you can heal?

I've done it before, but okay.

Who's really hurt?

Anybody?

I know our team is super duper hurt too.

But low over here.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You and Caleb, how are you?

I'm okay for me.

Oh, okay.

But okay for me is probably weaker than a lot of people here.

Grog, you're fine.

You seem so big against Grog.

I'm fucking fine.

Alright, then I'm going to cast mask your wounds wounds on the six of us minus croc.

Oh

excellent.

Okay.

So that is, I'm casting that, that's a fifth level.

And that's 4d8 plus

five hit points.

One, two, three.

What?

You hear some heavy footsteps begin to approach the exterior of the green room door as it creaks open and stepping into the chamber, the MC himself, Malvolio Contreras.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, hi!

Hi!

How's it going?

Are you enjoying the amenities?

Oh, my God, so much.

Yeah, I really like your donuts.

Yes, it's all so great.

I'm so glad.

I wish there was more alcohol in the green room.

I also requested a bowl of green MMs, and I can't find them anywhere.

I'll send a note.

Well, let's be real.

We're not doing this for copy credit.

Neil, my guy, what is the end goal here?

We were just talking about you and how sad and weak you seemed and it made us feel so bad.

I was hoping you'd change clothes too, because I just want to keep making fun of you.

It's really hard not to.

It's, I mean, there's got to be something wrong with you.

This desire to perform in front of thousands of people.

Only, only a truly broken person would

do that intentionally and make fools of themselves in front of people like that.

Someone very insecure would like parade around shaking their butts for strangers.

It's true.

I'm thinking about setting up a tour.

You think your words can hurt me?

Oh no, no, no.

We have many more games to play.

Murdy, show them what we've set up for you.

Just look around.

As he snaps, you watch the green room melt away, and once more, your troop now sits in the center of this massive theater, thousands of faces watching on, some on your side, some still thirsty for blood.

But there above it all, you see an impossibly complex, tall,

I can almost say a sculpture of a physically challenging contest mountain.

You see electrified cages hanging from massive lengths of chain, themselves sparking with blue and green electrical energy.

You see bubbling lava pits that are themselves sending forth blasts of molten rock.

You see acid geysers spraying in the upper areas, dissolving nearby parts.

of the theater.

You see spinning blade tracks that go from side to side,

just releasing a terrifying display of contest.

You see spiked pendulums swinging around,

themselves splattered with blood of all sorts of color and ignoring.

You see lightning arcs between poles.

It is a deathly mountain with fire spouts, toxic sludge waterfalls, and a terrifying

advancement of the few contests you've already engaged.

Quick, Fern, gaze into another dimension.

What was the name of Matthew Mercer's best childhood friend?

What?

Oh,

and I'll cast fiery encore.

What?

Whoa!

Wait, wait, before

we left the green room, did I get my spell out?

I'll say just in time you managed.

Okay, in that case, everybody healed 19 points before we came back.

I'm sorry, it's not better.

All right, all right.

I did it!

Thank you.

Roll four attacks.

What?

Four.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

24, does that hit you, Fern?

Yes.

Wait.

Hold on.

Just give me a little bit of time.

A 27 hit you?

Yes.

And hit

third time.

27, does that hit you?

Wait, of course it's shield.

16, 17, 17.

Does that make your AC?

My cast has beat that very high number.

Wait, what did you roll?

24?

24, 27, 27.

Oh, it's

24.

Sorry, I didn't hear that.

That's okay.

You got me.

So you watch as Malvolio conjures fiery bolt after fiery bolt, tossing them towards your feet, exploding, forcing you to dance once more, suddenly, rushing backward.

You take from those blasts there.

Is it fire damage?

There.

27 points of fire damage as you are now dancing from the the flame.

Ow!

As long as you're in my realm, you're at my behest.

You dance for me, or you do nothing.

I'm tired of these games.

I'm not here to see you fail.

I'm here to see you die.

Is this your realm, though?

Really, is this your realm?

Because, boy, you seem like a bloody day player to me.

Does my far power feel weak to you?

I feel like your power is not yours at all.

I think you're an empty suit.

That one hurt a little bit.

Alright, I need you to make a wisdom-saving throw, Mo.

Wisdom-saving?

A natural

if you decide to engage until Malvolio's next turn, he takes full damage.

What do you do?

I go over and I try to give him a hug and comfort him.

And while she's holding it, and while I'm doing that, I'm gonna cast inflict wounds.

Yeah.

Okay.

Here we go.

I would like all of you to roll initiative.

Including

you.

In my realm, big mistake.

Let's go with that die.

All right.

Okay.

25 to 20.

Uh, uh, hang on.

23.

Uh.

25.

Whoa!

Wait, I'm still figuring out.

Okay, also 25.

Rollies, let's go.

I love a good game, Rollies.

One, two, three.

Look me in the eye.

Look me in the eye.

14.

Three.

Yes, Bo.

So we have Bo, just Bo Mal MC Just.

anybody else in the 20s?

20 to 15.

19.

Grog.

We got a grog.

15 to 10.

Okay, there we are.

Wait, 17.

Would you go grossly?

Kingsley after grog.

Anyone else?

17 to 15.

15 to 10.

11!

All right, we have Veth at 11.

10 to 5.

Acht.

It is an 8 for me.

Alright.

The mighty Acht!

And that's a 5 for me.

Fern, you are nothing if dependable in your initiative role.

I can always bring up the rear.

So, because Beauregard beat Malvolio in initiative for your round, what do you want to do?

Wait, did I get inflicted?

Inflict wounds off?

Did I get my inflict wounds off?

As you move into him, this is

the moment that there was a moment of aggression and intent, that's when initiative order started.

So your action next is going to do that.

Beauregard, what are you doing?

I'm going to run forward, and as I see Jester going up and taking the hug and kind of knowing, working together for as long as we have now, knowing what she's doing, I'm going to run, I'm going to slide on my knees, take my belabor staff, I'm going to do two cracks aiming for the lower half of his body.

Crack, crack, crack, crack.

That's what we say when we're in Chicago, baby.

All right, let's go ahead and roll some attacks, Beauregard.

Okay.

First one, natural 20.

That'll hit.

Okay, first one, let's start with that one, just in case these.

Weak roll.

Six plus seven.

So, okay,

13 damage on that first one.

That was with the double for the crit on the dice?

Correct.

Okay.

Stunning strike.

Let me try.

I did one.

Alright.

Well, go ahead and make a make a constant saving drum, Alvolio.

Con save?

Yes.

Eight.

That's a fail.

Now Volio is stunned?

So you think.

Not even as a reaction.

Oh, not even as a reaction.

I can use it once perhaps.

Thank you, Murdy.

You're so useful.

I said I'm here to help with boss.

I'm going to cast Manifest Contestants.

What?

When I'm targeted with an attack, a weapon, or a spell, I can summon another appear to appear before me and take it.

What?

As Jester is currently wrapped around Malvolio.

Jester, you take 13 points of damage, and you need to make the Constitution saving growth.

No!

Oh!

That's messed up.

Jester, I'm so sorry.

Okay.

15.

I don't think that saves.

Let me.

Oh, wait, a saving throw.

Saving throw.

15.

Uh, wait, still the still the same?

Yeah.

Um, I don't think that that saves.

Can't you drop stun if you want to, though?

No.

as you are clambering

the MC, a heavy

whack hits you in the side of your right hand kidney and your body seizes up.

You are stunned by Bo Regard.

I want to make...

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

That used Malvolio's reaction.

You have the rest of your second attack and future attacks, Beauregard.

That is true.

I'm just trying to make sure here.

Yeah, no, it's DC-17.

Just do it.

dope monk shit.

I am gonna continue to do some dope monk shit.

I'm gonna do my second attack.

Let's go.

Ooh, that is icky.

12.

12 is gonna miss.

Okay.

Bonus action, um, a pop-pop.

Flurry blows.

Flurry blows.

Let's go.

Oh, my God.

Really bad.

Uh, really bad.

16 is the highest out of that one.

Those both missed.

No, both miss.

Okay.

Finishing Beauregard's turn.

You're up, Malvolio.

Oh, you'd like to take pokes at me?

Well, that's fine.

Why don't you take a poke at some impossible trivia?

Oh, my God.

I will use impossible trivia.

I ask you an impossible trivia question while I gloat.

What's the question?

The question is.

You have to ask the trivia for it to work.

Okay.

Did you not come up with any of these?

The person in the first row closest to the aisle, guess their name!

Wait, I can tell you.

I can tell you.

Hold us.

No,

they told us.

I can't handle it.

No.

No,

this is against you, Beau Regard.

What's their name?

I never told you.

What's their name?

What's their mother?

They told us earlier because they asked a question.

And we love the fans so much that we remembered Beauregard, what's the name?

It was something like.

It was cool.

It was something.

It was like Ashlyn or something like that.

This isn't

the convention goers' worst nightmare.

Ashlyn.

Can I tag in?

Is Ashlyn your name?

No.

What is your name?

River.

Not

River.

River is a really cool name.

River and Xavier.

Ember and Ash are close, to be fair.

Beauregard, make an intelligence saving for for me.

That's a natural 19 plus 9 for 28.

Okay, so you succeed, so you only take half damage.

Okay.

Which would have been, with this roll,

would have been 48 points of psychic damage.

You take 24 points of psychic damage.

As the sheer volume of embarrassment and public fear of forgetting one of the fans in the front row's name

sinks into your spirit, but you shrug it off as best as a person can.

I don't believe any of this is real.

I think they're all holograms.

This is the AI universe that everybody wants.

You could have just lied and said your name was Ashlyn.

I'm just kidding.

Yeah, we're the friend help out, Ashlyn.

Yeah!

Audience!

Are you having a nice time?

Good, good, good.

Who out there plays a bard?

Does anyone love a bard?

Me too.

I'd like to use my bonus action and cast bardic demoralization

on the big one.

How do you demoralize him?

So big and strong.

Yeah, but you know what I always say?

Lean is law.

Your muscles don't quite look as big as they used to.

I feel like you're failing with age.

Not working to failure on every set, are you?

Not having hypertrophy.

Where are you at 6 a.m.

when I'm at the gym, baby?

It's true.

I don't go to my lass in the accident.

I don't max out my sensor.

It's true.

You're gonna take a D12 and you must subtract it from your next D20 roll.

Damn!

A 10.

That's minus 10 from your next D20 roll, huh?

That sucks.

That'll end my turn.

Well,

to do that, you have one more little bit.

Oh, yeah.

I always forgot about this one.

My favorite.

Get him, Murty.

Alright, boss, who am I going after?

Ooh, let's go for the little one.

Come here.

You watch as Murty.

Suddenly his eyes flash with burning red energy and massive blade-like claws extend from his fingers.

And like a weird wolf on the prowl, he goes rushing towards you, Veth, and is gonna go ahead and attempt to strike you.

Come on.

Ooh, that's a natural two for a 12, I think that is.

Ooh, I see you coming, and I do a little barrel roll, and I flick you on the gooch as I go by.

I just slink back, boss in the gooch.

Now that's comedy.

And then I believe this is in your turn.

Mm-hmm.

Alright, Jester.

I'm stunned.

You're stunned on that.

But wait, I have to be honest, because when I cast masculine

wounds, I cast it at sixth level because I rolled for the eighth instead of three.

Okay.

So that's a sixth level spell spot.

That's fine.

Okay, so how much more does that be?

Oh,

it was only 19.

I just rolled like shit.

But that's it.

That's fair enough.

Alright.

Well, here's the thing.

You were already touching Malvolio when you were stunned.

Yeah.

Do you still want to cast the spell?

Yes, I do.

Can I do it?

I will say...

Yes.

Because the traveler is here.

You won't be able to move or do anything else in your turn.

Go ahead and make one more wisdom saving throw.

Let's go.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Let's go, Cleric.

Wisdom saving throw?

20.

Okay, so

the DC on this is an 18 for your presence there.

That is success.

So while you are still stunned for your turn, the spell was already happening.

And when you locked into place, you were still touching MC.

As Malavolio, suddenly, you feel this burst of necrotic energy

strike through your torso as Jester is still kind of around you like a human shield.

After taking the hit, you see a faint grin on her blue teethling face as you take.

That's oh, that's a seventh level spell because I already used my sixth, so that's 90/10 damage.

Right, so go ahead and roll to attack.

Roll to attack, roll to attack, roll to attack!

After roll to attack as you're moving in.

Come on, come on, come on, go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Twenty-three.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, okay.

Uh,

eight plus five is

thirteen,

twenty-two, three,

three,

okay.

Uh, twenty-three, thirty-three,

thirty-seven,

forty, forty-three points of necrodog.

A heavy magical blow to you, Malvaleo.

But you are still stunned and cannot move from the rest of the turn, so you are still there, more or less

partially projecting and giving half cover to you from other strikes.

Finishing gestures turn, you are no longer stunned now.

Grog Euro.

Yeah!

I

would like

to rage

And I would like to make

I love you Chicago

I'll make the first of my two of Bloodaxe attacks reckless great weapon master

oh that first attack is a minus 15.

Wow!

Right.

Damn.

Oh,

shit.

That misses with a negative number thingy.

The first swing as you billow up your muscular rage and anger, you charge forward, and the axe kind of shoof gets stuck into one of the wood beams of the green room.

Oh, like exterior, and the opening of the stage.

I must be a little bit rusty.

Next one is

23 minus 15 is a 15 to hit.

That misses...

Damage!

Wait, is he supposed to subtract 15 from that one too?

No, just from the first one.

Oh, just from the first one?

That's a 30 to hit.

Go ahead and roll damage.

That definitely hits.

I like roller damage, Eskrog.

It's fun.

That is 26 points of slashy damage.

Alright.

I'll take it.

Okay.

26 points of damage.

It doesn't do as much damage as you think.

In fact, the necrotic hit that you hit with earlier, it seemed like as Mavolio gained his confidence on his turn, the impacts are somehow...

slightly diminished like he is protected by some infernal force from within.

It's almost like he's protected from some infernal force from within

Grog.

Yeah, it does go

All right finishing Grogs go Kingsley we're up with Beth on deck

now It's time to show you some bloody flare

Kingsley slowly removes his long rapier takes his bifurcated tongue and cuts it along the blade

letting the blood soak all the way across the blade, and then it slowly starts to glow with radiant damage.

I take 1d8 necrotic, which is only two.

And now,

having that up and running,

I make a nice little spin, walk up.

It's going to come from the right, it comes from the left, and I'm just going to try and cut right above the cheek into that pretty, pretty face.

And I'm going to make an attack

with advantage

because I'm also activating my sword, which will give me advantage, whereas my sword.

Sword does all sorts of fun shit.

That is easier to say.

So the attack is...

I rolled a 17 plus, God only knows, hold on.

17 plus 12, so

30 to hit.

That'll get.

So.

That is because of everything that's 1d10 force, 1d10

piercing, 2d6 for sneak attack, and 1d8 radiant for fun.

I have a feeling this radiant is going to be a little bit more.

Oh, my right!

Well, I can re-roll one of these,

which is my right, so I'm just going to go for it.

That's a little better.

That's 5

14

14

15

23 plus 9, which is

32 points with some radiant damage in there.

32 points of damage coming towards you, Malvalio.

This is starting to get annoying.

So I'm going to take another attack really quickly while I'm there.

Now this attack, also, you're noticing, you strike true and it goes in, but there is a density and a magical protection to Malvolio.

So while you do manage to inflict hurt and pain, see the reaction in his face from the impact, it's still not as strong as you would hope.

Magical protection.

It's like his ego is protecting him.

Oh, you're so boring.

And I'm going to flip around with my other attack and attack you.

Attack me?

Yeah.

Go for it, roll an attack.

You get your hands off of him.

Too late.

That's not great.

That's...

I can swear I count.

21 to hit?

21 hits.

Oh, well, there we are.

And I don't get that, but I still get my Radiant.

And I get my other D8, so it's Radiant and Force, I believe, I still get, so that's uh, and an extra d8 as well.

There we are.

Tahi!

That's uh

five, six, seven, eight, nine, uh,

thirteen,

uh,

22 points of damage.

22 points of damage.

I need a strike.

Carves through Murdy.

Boss, boss, this is supposed to be coming for you.

I know, I know.

Murdy, I know we've only known each other for a few months, but I love you like a goddamn brother.

Legendary action.

What?

Get him, Murdy!

Yeah, boss.

Yeah.

As Murdy dives towards you, let's body dance.

The natural one.

Yes, more of those.

I literally Olay you passed.

I tried, boss.

Keeps it the ready.

That's going to finish your turn.

Oh, yeah.

Alrighty, with that, Veth, you're up with Caleb on deck.

I like how Murdy is turning into Crusty the Cloud a little bit.

Hey, I'm just trying to make it work.

It's okay.

Don't worry about it.

I feel like we have to damage his ego or distract him somehow.

So I'm going to spend my turn

shouting out to the MC.

Sure, you've got cockiness and bravado, but

shouldn't you be concerned with

that piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe?

And I'm going to cast Phantasmal Force.

There we go.

That's an intelligent saving throw?

It is.

Roll an intelligent saving throw for me.

That's a six.

Six.

So you have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe, and it's got like a little bit of poo on it.

You look down and see.

And you just can't get it off.

It is messy.

It is embarrassing.

Make a wisdom save me, please.

I hate it.

That's another six.

No, no, no.

That's an eight.

That's an eight.

It's an eight.

Dejection in Malvolio's face.

His attention is now half divided amongst the non-existent toilet paper piece.

And the tracks it's leaving in his imagination.

It seems...

Yeah.

Is there any any damage for that?

Uh, I mean, it's one D6 psychic damage.

Hey, it all adds up, buddy.

One.

You take

one damage.

But

for the last four pieces of damage I've taken, you should all know that this is the first time you've seen even one piece hurt me for one point.

Because it was half that damage on the one before, and half on the other, because I have unflappable confidence.

And for the first time ever,

I'm flapped.

I like it.

I like it.

He can be flapped.

It's true.

That's my turn.

All right, that finishes Vetsko.

Caleb, you're up with the Fernon deck.

Yeah, okay, so I see that our host is locked into place, which I like.

I also like that my best friend has cracked into his psyche.

I ignite the Storm Rider boots and start Iron Man flying towards him.

I pull out a wad of gold dust from my hand and antique his golden coat and cast the dunamantic spell immovable object at sixth level.

Monster.

That's the most beautiful man I've ever seen.

Malvolio.

In a reaction, in a moment of reactive time, watching him fly through, you would almost stumble back in awe.

But you can't stumble or move because your jacket is currently frozen in place.

Wow.

You could try and move, but it is a contested role against his spell capability.

It's my DC, and since it's at sixth level, it's my DC plus 10.

Damn.

Gotta be to 28, my friend.

Where did that come from?

Wait, wait, where did that come from?

What's sexy, wizards?

You know.

Is that wizard shit?

Is this even doable, Murphy?

Yeah.

Boss, it was a really clever idea.

You're gonna let it slide?

Jack it on or jack it off.

We'll find out.

When we get to your turn, we'll see what you want to do.

All right, Caleb, does that finish your go?

All I'll say is that it's 90 feet of movement with those boots, so I will rock it in and then rock it the fuck away while he is unable to do any of that.

Okay, you rock it off kind of beyond the stage for a bit, and you're at the edge where the audience is kind of keeping yourself at bay from the center of this chaos.

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You got it.

All right, finishing Helps Go, Fern, you're up with Bo on Deck.

All right.

So I

you Malvolio is stuck in place?

Currently, it's

extremely dejected.

So.

Double stuck.

I would like to, since there's a little bit of darkness in there, I think I'd like to cast Moonbeam.

And I'm going to do that at,

let's just go ahead and do it at sixth level.

Sure.

And also, this says, I don't know if this will apply, but maybe it will.

A shape

makes it saving throw with disadvantage.

Interesting.

Uh-oh.

How interesting.

Okay.

What was the save?

Is it wisdom?

It is Constitution of 20.

Oh,

I failed on the first roll.

Do you have to go

a second time?

He did!

Okay,

okay.

So you do fail the moonbeam.

Go ahead and roll damage, Fern.

Okay.

Fern palaway on that act.

Cancer, do good, did it good.

Alright, using my tens.

Okay.

Alright, so we got 60 tens.

Burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn.

Oh, this isn't very good, y'all.

Alright, so we got 11

plus 7, 18.

We got, oh,

that's another 10.

28, 21.

No, we eight, so sorry.

27.

Okay, that's four.

Major two of these.

All right, plus

another six.

24.

Got it.

These dice are normal size.

Are you okay?

Yes.

I'm okay.

It's because the crew provided her with them.

Correct.

I didn't bring any of my teeth.

A massive flash of pure lunar magical energy columns up from beneath Malvolio and blasts him, enveloping him in beautiful, burning, pure white moonlight.

It burns the outside of your skin, and in this moment, take full damage from the spell.

As it begins to burn, you see like curling ash marks at the edge of his cheeks.

That's a pretty nasty hit.

Anything else you want to do in your turn, Fern?

Uh.

Sure.

I'm gonna.

I'm gonna.

Mister's been hanging out.

Mister, threw some shit at him.

Don't you dare!

Anything but this.

Mister has advantage on this roll because he is locked in a coat.

Wait, say again?

He's locked in a coat, so mister has advantage on the attack roll.

Great.

He can't dodge a flaming turd.

Not that well, at least.

It's a full metal jacket.

It's funny because it's frozen.

Oh,

boo.

I'm here for it, though.

Sorry, I'm just trying to find Mister here.

There we go.

All right, we got...

Oh, wow.

I rolled a natural 19 for him.

Oh, my God.

Plus 11.

That'll hit.

Go ahead and roll flaming poo damage.

Oh, let's add some poo-poo damage.

one more d20 just to see just to see one more d20 one more d20 yeah you had advantage

now

it's worth trying uh all right that's a four

we got four plus six we got a ten we got ten fire damage damage straight through flaming poo

to the kind of neck and left shoulder area malvolio and you need some toilet paper to wipe that off

And firm?

You're good.

We're children.

That's the end of my turn.

All right.

Murdy.

Murdy, how am I looking, baby?

I mean, honestly, right now, a little rough, boss.

At least on a visual standpoint.

Like, you look gorgeous.

Your whole ensemble's a little wrecked.

Say it again.

Say it, look gorgeous.

You look gorgeous.

One more time.

You look gorgeous.

Yeah, baby.

And I'm gonna use my legendary action.

Another round

in which I can use one of my standard attacks at any time.

And this one's for you, Fernie.

Covered in shit?

Thanks a lot.

Hey, audience, did you like it when she covered me in shit?

Good, because the louder you applauded, the more damage it did to her!

So

as the audience begins to spill and grow and volume from earlier, as their cheers begin to echo and reverberate, it fills the chamber and all of you find yourselves grabbing your ears.

I need everyone to make Constitution Saving Throw.

All of us, all of us?

All of you.

Is this a spell or a legendary action?

This is a legendary action.

Is it a magical effect?

They don't consider it a magical effect.

It's not good.

Oh, no.

Saving throw constitution.

Oh no.

Is this a spell or a magical effect?

He just said that.

Did he?

I didn't hear.

Is it?

It is.

Yeah.

It is?

Okay.

Is this a spell or a magical effect?

There's a lot going on.

Alright.

Beauregard.

It's not good.

13.

23 points of thunder damage.

Kingsley.

18.

That just succeeds.

So you take 11 points of thunder damage.

Beth.

12.

11, 11!

11, you take 23 points of thunder damage.

Jester.

Spoil or something?

Can't you avoid it?

Evasion or something.

Evasion?

It's not a dexterity saving.

Okay, great.

I rolled a 12.

23 points of thunder damage.

Grog.

25.

11 points of thunder damage.

Caleb.

Svolf.

Fail.

Yeah,

23 points of thunder damage.

And Fern.

6.

23 points of thunder damage.

As the roar of the audience washes over you and shatters your, not just your sense of self and confidence, but you feel your bones vibrate with like a horrible aching pain as it passes.

You find your body self-racked with soreness immediately thereafter.

That finishes Ferns Go and your last two legendary actions for now.

Beauregard, you're up.

Hey, you guys know those like those guys who do the like moving statue thing, you know, on the street?

That's you.

Right now.

I'm bad at insults.

Okay, I'm gonna look around.

Um.

Thank you.

Okay, I'm gonna go off script a a little bit here.

Question.

This is being broadcast to a larger audience, right?

There's an audience present.

There is an audience present.

Do you want to see if there's anything beyond that?

But it is being recorded for future broadcasts.

Do we see something that would resemble a fantasy version of cameras?

Make a perception check.

Thank you.

What's a camera?

Describe.

Arcane optics device.

Okay, 15.

15.

You can see across the audience in the far end of the theater, there are a small number of arcane devices, tube-like, with strange crystals affixed to the end of it, that seem to be trained on the movements of you and your compatriot since you arrived.

Um, how far away is it?

Uh, it's about

100 feet.

I don't know if it's maybe a little under.

Clever girl.

Yes, make it cannon, Matt.

Make it cannon!

It's got a red light on it!

It might be an actual cannon.

You're right.

I see it.

I see it.

Okay, I am going to head towards the crystals with the red lights that keep shifting.

Alright, what's your movement?

My movement is 50, so I'm going to step in the wind to get there.

Send it to right at 100 feet.

100 feet, that'll get you there.

Beauregard,

you dart through the center of the audience and charge through the theater right up against one of these crystal devices.

So I kind of run up and I do a little dope monk shit and jump on everyone's heads as I go over.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

And I go over and I take

two strikes at the

recording crystals.

Go for it.

Make two attacks.

Alright.

Believe in you.

Yep, those are very good.

The first one is a natural 19, bringing it to 31.

And then the second one is going to be 24.

So now both of those hit, go and roll damage.

Okay.

The first one at the first camera is going to be 13 damage.

Okay.

The second one is going to be 14 damage.

Okay.

How did the first crystal look after the first one?

A heavy impact and it cracks, but it's still holding strong.

And the person behind it who's holding it, they're like robed figure, looks up like small horns inside of the head, like,

what are you doing, miss?

Go away.

Okay, and they run away.

And I'm going to use that second one to break the

crystal.

It's time for his union break.

With a second impact, Beauregard, you shatter this device.

And with that one connection to the viewership of this event of which you're a part of is scattered and destroyed, which effectively an element of Malvolio's defenses has been slightly reduced.

Good job!

Yes!

Okay.

Everybody wave and get a round of applause to our camera option.

And out our camera!

Thank you.

But unfortunately, I still have two more attacks because I'm going to do a flurry of plumes to the other one.

Well, you have to roll your...

Whoa!

Go get there.

Perfect.

Roll your dice.

Roll your dice.

What you got?

Natural 19.

That's constant.

And a 7.

Not as good.

So that's going to be a 7.

7 plus 12 is

19.

19.

I'll say 20 is the target for these devices.

So that unfortunately misses.

One of them does hit.

Roll damage.

Okay.

That's good.

That's going to be

14 to the first one.

14 points of damage.

A heavy impact.

Crack!

And it kind of gets sent partially out of its mooring.

It's still holding on, and you can see a faint arcane glow kind of sparking from within the crystal.

So it's still functioning, but just barely.

Sorry.

Sorry,

that finishes my turn.

That brings us back to Malvolio.

As you dust yourself off, the confidence reinstilled, you watch.

He feels a little more in control in this moment.

Oh, you think you're so smart

damaging me by damaging the anachronistic fantasy devices you see around you?

Well, it appears as if you've forgotten that this is my domain.

And my passive ability is this is my domain.

And as you see around you the modern stage, the proscenium, the lights, and chromatic orbs before you, the space changes to stone and dirt and dust and misuse.

And before you is an ancient Colosseum, still filled with the souls of Xandria watching in awe.

But the orbs are gone,

and you stand alone in the high-arching area that no longer has a camera.

My turn is our home bonus action.

action.

Still frozen in place, though?

My turn!

If you'd like to, you could use part of your attack action to try and escape the coat with an acrobatics check.

To beat a 28.

Well, that's to keep the coat.

Hang on, are you starting?

You're starting your turn in the moonbeam.

Correct.

Alright, so you could take more damage.

That's true.

Fucking

go!

Let him go!

Let them go!

Let them go!

Alright, so

free rides around here.

Go ahead and roll.

Make a constitution saving throw.

You have to beat a 20.

Ooh, that'll be a 27.

Oh,

it's half damage, though.

So, okay, 2d10 radiant damage.

Go ahead and roll it.

Okay.

Where's my tints?

Wait.

Where's my tins?

That's what I heard.

I mean, that's what I heard.

Hopefully, right where you left.

Okay, that's 14.

Seven points of radiant.

Okay, seven points of radiant damage to you.

Not a heavy impact.

You're still locked in your coat.

You can try and force against the magical lock that holds on it, or you can try and squeeze out of your coat, like dislocate your shoulders a little bit and get out.

Probably an easier roll for acrobatics, but it's up to you.

Murdy!

How?

Murdy, can you get this thing off of me?

Boss.

Yeah, easy enough to.

Nah, but boss, it's kind of hard to move.

Are you trying to squeeze out of it or are you trying to swim?

I'm trying to squeeze out of it with Murdy's help.

Alright, Murdy will help you with the advantage.

This will be the get-a-murdy action on your turn.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Alright, so go ahead and roll an acrobatics check with advantage.

That is a plus 11.

Let's go.

Pretty good.

It's a 26,

which does not beat his thing.

One more time.

You stinky wizard!

That's not gonna do it.

Oh, no.

You are still locked in your coat, but you still get at least one of your abilities.

You wasted Murdy's to help you on that.

Hold on a minute.

You have disadvantage on your Constitution saving throw.

So I know you rolled a 27, so

disadvantage on the saving throw?

You have a disadvantage on the saving throw.

For one.

If you are a shape-changer.

Shape changer.

That's right.

Yes, roll one more time.

All right.

Oh.

Murdy, you've been doing this for so long.

How do you keep track of all this shit?

Fuck!

That's a natural one.

Okay, okay.

That's Courtney.

All right, well, hang on a minute.

Oh, boy.

So this says, a shape changer makes a saving throw with disadvantage.

If it fails, it also instantly reverts to its original form.

And can't assume a different form until it leaves the spell's light.

No!

Please!

No!

Please,

I've done everything you've asked of me.

I've brought them here.

They're alive.

I'm trying to make them dead.

What the fuck do you want from me, man?

A dark voice rings out from the ether around the entirety of the theater.

I gave you these gifts.

Use them as we see fit, or I will take them away.

Do we hear this voice?

As the moon...

As you hear it faintly through the chamber, as the moonbeam takes hold, what glamours fade from your change?

What do they see, if anything changes about you, Malvolio?

I paid

2,000 pieces of gold for this.

And now this audience is going to get feet for free.

No!

Anything but that.

Wait, but you're only just.

That's your whole hang dog tone?

You're literally just had.

It's going up.

Wait, you were literally.

You just changed to have boots?

Did you say you have a dark toe?

No, but that's good.

You just have bare stinky feet now?

What?

You have bare stinky old feet now?

Yes,

I got stinky old feet.

A lot of hair on that upper.

Just one of them.

My feelings are really hurt right now, and I did it to myself.

Which does, on your turn,

demoralize you enough for I need you to make another wisdom saving throw.

Alright, that is gonna be

plus eight.

Ooh, okay, 22.

22, you hold on it.

So you feet exposed the world around.

You still hold your shit together.

Alright.

I did it.

I'm good.

You better give me a little boost here, you son of a bitch.

Who are you talking to?

Don't worry about it.

Take a turn.

Insight

Make an inside check.

What are you trying to learn?

Sure, make an inside check.

Okay.

Uh, ooh.

Uh,

23.

Ooh.

23?

Uh.

Best you can tell, you do not recognize this voice.

But there definitely seems to be a

very direct connection between Malivolio's actions towards this voice and his current disposition.

That's the best you can make out for this.

Malvolio, is there anything else on your turn you can do?

What?

Are you good with your turn?

I think I'm good for now.

Have a bonus action.

Thank you.

Thank you, Murder.

You've always been a good friend.

That's what I mean, Pobas.

Here to protect you.

How to keep you nice and sane, safe, and hurting things.

Alright.

Bardic demoralization

against you.

The most charming one.

Me?

Jesus.

Your next D20 gets a negative D12 roll.

Oh, man.

Sorry.

And that finishes Malvolio.

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Jester, you're up with grog on the bottom.

Jesse.

stir.

Jess, stop.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Is he still stuck in his coat?

He's still stuck in his coat with

Murdy trying to pull him out of it.

Like, Bosch, don't worry, don't worry.

We got this.

Don't look over here.

Okay.

We're just a little undressing between boys.

Okay.

Just a little undressing.

Okay.

I'm going to for

oh god.

Okay.

For my action, I'm going to cantrip.

No, I don't want to do that.

But listen, listen, shut up, okay?

Okay, what I'm going to do:

I'm going to conjure a spiritual weapon.

And instead of my normal, beautiful lollipop,

it's going to be just a giant golden traveler-shaped dick.

Like the biggest one.

Really floppy.

And I'm gonna try to smack, smack him upside the head.

Is that really floppy?

Yeah, it's a floppy dildoy sort of waguing wagon, like rubber.

What level are you casting it at?

Well, here's the thing.

I was gonna cast it at level eight, so it's really big.

Listen, listen, listen.

Eight's not as big as you think.

Oh, man.

I only cast up to threes.

It's a whole new world out there, bro.

I don't know.

Look at you.

I don't think it's going to hit him, though.

Here's the little is.

Where'd you roll?

I haven't rolled yet.

Well, roll an attack roll with it as the giant floppy traveler dick

guidance

in action to cast guidance on your turn.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, I was just trying to give her a little.

Of course.

Oh,

oh, that's is that really good?

No, that's really bad.

Minus D12.

Yep.

Minus the D12 or minus 10?

Minus D12.

It doesn't matter.

I won't answer regardless.

Let's see what it is.

Okay.

No.

No.

That's rough.

Oh, that's a seven.

Not bad.

The floppy swing.

It's really big, though.

It's really big, but like a massive kaiju.

It's like slow in its arc.

And it kind of like...

It just misses by about three feet and then ricochets back.

You've never flung something so large and turgid.

Too flaccid.

Too flaccid to find its target.

Okay, listen.

I was just trying to make it look like you!

I absolutely have to roll for that.

I mean, you're still demoralized, but sure, let's go for double demoralization.

Double demoralization.

That's actually, within 18, that's still pretty good.

So yeah, so you're

the next attack is not getting advantage against you, but that still kind of sucks.

That hurts.

For my action,

I'm going to cantrip

Sacred Flame,

which is a dexterity-saving throw.

Which you automatically fail because you cannot move.

So

I automatically do 3d8 damage.

Okay, okay, okay.

So at least that's something.

Yep, Grog, you're up next.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ooh.

Uh, whoa,

he's gonna be ganged up on by seven.

22 points of radiant damage.

Seven or seventeen?

Boom, there we go.

And you still have a really big dick just flopping right next to you.

Just a floppy dick.

I had to scream before.

Floppy two band.

Alright, that finishes your go?

Yes.

Grog, you're up.

At the introduction of this big floppy space whale that just fucking evaporated in front of everything, I'm gonna go into a frenzied rage.

I'm gonna make three attacks.

Reckless, great weapon master.

One against the space dick and two against

natural 20.

What?

Wait, wait, don't roll again, don't roll again.

Is this an advantage because our enemy is locked in place?

Locked in place.

In this instance, no, he just has a.

But the first attack's against the dick.

It's reckless.

Is this against the dick or is this against Malvolio?

The first one was the dick.

Okay.

The next two are against Malvolio.

Why are you attacking the penis?

Listen, why would you not attack the penis?

29 to hit for you?

29 does hit.

Oh, minus 5, so it's actually 24 to hit.

24 hits.

Still hits.

And 17

plus 10, 27 minus 5 is.

22.

22.

Both hit.

Beautiful.

First, Space Whale meets your vengeance.

5 plus 5 plus 10 plus.

Oh, plus the blood axe does 1d6 necrotic damage 6.

That's 17.

21 points of damage on the floppy penis.

Your axe swings wide through the ethereal phallus to no impact.

It is beyond your ability to harm Grog.

This might be the most dangerous thing you've ever fought.

Yes.

Yes.

Focus, Grog.

Leave the space whale for another day.

What is this?

And right before you tell me what damage you take,

in my frozen form I turn to Kingsley and say, oh, hello, pretty.

Ready to die again?

And I cast, as my reaction, manifest contestants, and you immediately teleport from where you are to directly in front of me to absorb Grog's blow.

Counterspell.

It's not a spell.

It's a magical effect, but it's not a spell.

Good looking out.

14 points of damage.

Things that you take a heavy hit from Grog as you're suddenly taking the entire blood axe blow to the chest.

And the very last one, 12 plus 5 is 17 plus 3, 20, 20, 20 points of slashing damage for the very last 20.

20 right attack.

So one does hit true and mark into Malvolio, taking a heavy chunk of the wound left.

Yeah, from me to you, and the space penis gets it later.

Does that finish your turn, Grog?

Alright, that finishes Grog's turn.

Do you want to do that?

Yes, what was that sound my mouth just made?

Yeah,

That was a mouth stress part.

Yes, it's my legendary action.

I feel like doing a little encore.

And I'm going to cast two fiery bolts at you, Grog, because I'm spiteful.

Let's go.

First one.

Fuck.

14 does not hit, I assume.

Can I also use Mage Slayer?

Yes.

Yeah, you can.

But but this is after the attack.

So the attacks will happen, and then you get the reaction.

Perfect.

14 misses.

Yeah.

And I think.

The next one, roll more time.

It's 10 million.

Yeah, that's right.

Guys.

Same.

14.

Oh, never mind.

I won't use Mage Layer, bitch.

Okay.

You can't retcon me in my own game.

I think that finishes Grog's turn.

Kingsley, you're up with Beth on deck.

As I'm now bleeding with my back to you, I'm going to thank you, Grog, for that, by the way.

That's why the coat's red.

You don't have to see it.

I'm going to lean back,

make a nice blare, and go, I think that's mine now, darling.

And I'm going to use my first attack,

also while activating my blade, to try and pierce the hat right off the MC's head.

Not the hat.

Alright, this.

And I'm on double speed speed and advantage because I activated the activated.

Yeah, alright, so yeah, take the attack roll with advantage.

This is going to be

so you're not doing it for damage.

You're just no damage.

So this will be a contested acrobatics roll from you to you.

You will have advantage in this role because you cannot move as well in the seat.

You're just trying to move your head out of the way.

So this is an acrobatics roll?

Correct.

All right.

You have an advantage on it, you do not.

So go ahead and roll and add your acrobatics.

He's really hurting now.

Ha ha ha.

Mercy,

I can't bear to look at it.

Would you please tell.

Bro, you are rolling so bad.

I feel like

the top of the show was great.

The musical number turned out pretty good and like they were on my side, but then they figured it out and started to be mean to me.

What's it?

Sam.

I'm sorry to tell you, boss, that's a natural one.

Oh, my God.

Bro, I'm so sorry.

Oh, this is what I get for spending $300,000 on drama school.

And what'd you roll?

I rolled a 26.

With a rapid flick of Kingsley's wrist, the rapier pierces and plucks the hat off your head.

A little Bob Flossy.

Bob Flossy.

Flossy.

There we go, right in.

I put the hat on myself where it clearly looks better.

I take a bow, spin around, and take a slash against his face.

For my second attack.

All right, we finished the first attack.

Please, I beg of you.

I work so hard on the set, and everyone we put this together.

Just don't say that they're small.

Oh my goodness.

Those are baby horns.

No, they're not.

They're growing.

Mine's bigger than yours.

I am a grower, not a shower.

Listen.

Listen, mine got bigger as I got older.

Maybe yours will do the same thing.

Oh.

Fuck the Mohawk, it's worth it.

And he's vanquished!

Bosh, I think you're beautiful.

Are you sure, Murdy?

I feel like they're turning against me.

Murdy kind of looks off the distance for a second.

His eyes go black.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Yeah, you're doing fine.

Take your second attack, Kingsley.

24 to hit.

That hits go to world damage.

Woo!

Let's see.

Yeah, no, I'm happy with all of this.

Yeah.

That's 12,

18, 19.

25.

34 points of damage.

A heavy hit, Malvolio.

You're starting to feel a little winded.

And I'm back.

The blows are starting to cut through not just your ego, but your

previously perfect physical form.

You're starting to wither.

Say it ain't so.

Merdy, it's not time for Botox yet, is it?

I got a friend who can hook you up with a Groupon.

I'll talk halfway.

That finishes your turn, Kingsley.

Oh, yes.

Beth, you're up with Caleb on deck.

Okay.

I probably should attack, but I just can't.

I'm going to do something different.

Earlier, you called this audience a bunch of strangers.

That's not true.

These aren't strangers.

These are fellow Xandrians.

These are comrades in spirit.

These are critters.

I'm gonna cast Tasha's hideous laughter on the audience

and have them mock you with their laughter.

No!

Come on!

Laugh at him!

Laugh at him!

I'm gonna do something weird with this.

Hey, roll this dice for me, Jester.

Oh my gosh!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

All right, roll it on the ground.

Wait.

Oh!

Does that mean they resist it?

Wait, did they resist it?

You can keep that.

Is that good or bad?

And so,

with a high enough roll, I ask you,

the jester in the front row, do you give in to the hideous laughter?

Suddenly, the entire audience begins to roar with endless chuckles and laughter.

Oh, I'm just to do that!

I'm just gonna do this to me.

Is this not enough?

You're not entertained!

Malvolio.

Oh my god.

As you slink back to your seat, the voice takes in again.

What

are you doing?

This execution is delayed.

I'm sorry, I

kind of went off script for a minute.

I think I got a little bit caught up in the applause and forgot what it was supposed to do.

A flash of dark magic dispels what holds your coat in place, sourceless from its location.

A little bit sweaty in here.

Hey,

hey, you know what?

I remember what I'm supposed to do.

I'm supposed to kill these motherfuckers.

Total party kill.

It's what everybody wants.

They claim to be your fans, fellow Xandrians, but they want to see you suffer.

Oh, I'm feeling better right now.

Yeah, laugh all you want.

Let's do this.

Final wind.

Bring it on, motherfuckers.

A brave face he holds, but the dejection of that room of laughter still cuts deep.

The next round has advantage on all attacks against Malvolio.

Okay, okay, okay.

Good job, everybody.

Good job.

So, Veth finishes your turn.

Caleb, you're up.

All right, well, after seeing my best friend just ruin this man's whole life,

I think it's about time we start trying to end it.

And I just walk calmly up to him as the gold coat dissolves away, pulling a stone up the length of my arm, which glows green.

And I press my hand to his chest and cast disintegrate.

What?

Come on, come on.

So, for that, is that a deck save?

Deck saving throw from you, Malvolio.

Fucking whiff.

Good thing you've never cast this spell before, ever.

Knock knock who's there

28

Well, I don't know I don't know if he Akira opens up a hole in his chest, but that's a success a big success

against

You're safe.

Yeah, I'm an 18.

Yeah, 28.

So as you unleash this wave

You blast it outward and as he says this to you he just smiles and And you watch as the visage of Malvolio turns to black smoke and fades away, and you immediately sense him behind you.

Like something had plucked him from that moment in space, and he just apparates this dark, tiny horned shadow that just looms over from behind.

I look to Jester and say,

he's behind me, isn't he?

I'm gonna use my legendary action

one more time.

You have two more left if you want to use them.

Because I'm going to use two slots to cast another round, which requires two actions.

And I'm going to cast Multitasker.

And I'm going to make one attack, and afterwards, Murdy's going to finish the job.

And I'm feeling my confidence fall more and more because I dropped the only D20 left at the table.

Holy shit, that's a sock.

Here we go.

I cast blood, curse of the eyeless while this happens.

Okay, so you have disadvantage on the attack roll.

This one's going to start firing blood in your eye.

Is this for me?

Not great.

Does a 19 hit?

Oh, yeah.

With negative d8?

Disadvantage, because you roll again.

No, it gives it negative d8.

Say it.

Sing it.

Oh, no, yeah, it's negative d8.

Negative d8.

Sorry, sorry.

So 19.

Minus.

A D8.

Oh,

you want me to roll?

Yeah, I want you to roll.

Minus

a one.

18 still hit.

Damn.

Shield.

Okay, okay.

Roll again.

I'm still good at this.

Again.

19 with shield.

What's your AC currently with shield?

AC with shield is 22.

Roll again.

Third blast.

That's a 22.

Beats it, beats it.

Yeah.

So go ahead and roll that damage.

All right.

Oh, good.

I'm feeling the hot tonight, baby.

That's an I roll as a three.

Three points of fire damage killed, and then roll one more as your final blast.

Oh, look.

That's a 20.

That misses.

I feel it all falling apart.

Don't worry, boss, I got this.

I wince a little bit and real quiet say, this is beneath both of us.

That's it.

All right, as

you see him kind of pull back with this look of shock and despair of failing this amazing retribution, a dark shape curls over Malvolia's shoulder as you see Murdy goes, Don't worry, boss, I got him, and leaps towards you.

That's gonna be a 24 to hit you.

Sure,

and with that, you too.

Oh, yeah, that's gonna be oh, this is a nasty one.

Uh,

23 points of damage.

Okay.

As Murdy just begins to claw and tear into you like this ravenous beast.

That finishing caleb's go, Fern, you're up.

Alright.

I've never done this before.

You've got this far.

Okay, I'm gonna walk up to Mal and just put my hand on his shoulder.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Um, but I'm gonna cast contagion

at fifth level.

And

you have to succeed on a constitution saving thrower or take 11d8 necrotic damage and earn a point.

How many?

Wow.

Plus eight.

26.

Damn.

He doesn't have have disadvantage.

You know what?

I'll allow it one more time.

You were dejected.

24.

Oh.

Alright.

This is connected really high.

Okay, so.

Do you take half damage?

What does it say on the spell?

Okay, let's see.

Also choose one ability when you cast the spell.

Oops.

Wild poison, the target has disadvantage on saving throws.

Okay, that doesn't count.

The target must repeat this.

Okay, hold on.

A lot of texts on that one.

This is the DD experience.

It doesn't.

I don't know if it goes through.

If it doesn't say half damage on a success.

It doesn't.

Then I think it's an all or nothing.

The target must succeed on a constitution throwing away.

I haven't removed the spell.

Wait.

The target must succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 118 necrotic damage and have the poison condition.

Also, choose.

Okay.

I'm reading the same thing over and over again.

Okay.

It is.

Who can relate?

It didn't work.

Oh, no.

You resist the spell, Malvolio.

A good try.

Damn, that was really cool, Fern.

As you feel the intent of dark nature magic attempt to tear your physical body asunder from inside with a disease, you shrug it off, and now Fern stands before you, looking up with a little bit of a confused smile.

As a bonus action, can I just talk to him for a second?

What do you want to say?

Hey, so

you look like

you're kind of not into this.

Like, you look like someone else has put you in charge of this.

Why don't you jump on our team as the fourth member and like forget whoever is puppeting your strings?

We can protect you.

We're protectors of the realm.

That's a pretty good offer.

Come on.

Come on.

What do think?

Give me a break?

Yeah, give him a break.

I will eat your soul if you don't finish them.

That's a no.

Alright.

I was just throwing it out there.

Beauregard, you're up.

Okay.

A lot's happened in a round.

Yep.

I'm gonna finish my

regional job and take out this other cam crystal.

Wait, are we back?

Right.

And there's none there since you are now in a ruined amphitheater where you were tranced.

You were shifted by Malvolio into a different theater.

Wait, am I here?

Am I here?

Am I still here?

Do I see anything?

Yeah, still here?

You're still with everybody else.

You're just in a different theater now.

Bo, didn't you notice when everything disappeared and we entered a different theater?

No, I noticed.

noticed.

Maybe we should hit him instead.

He's the one with the giant dick next to him.

Yeah, yeah.

It's right there!

Okay.

I'm still 100 feet away, aren't I?

You are.

Okay.

I run 100 feet, Jesus.

Doing step of the wind.

Monks.

I once again bounce across the audience members' heads.

Sorry, sorry.

Oop, sorry, oop, thank you.

Oh, oh, thanks for the boost.

And then I jump, and then I'm going to run across the space whale, and I'm going to do a flip off of the penis, and I'm going to come down.

Oh, with a big slap with my stick!

Let's attack.

Go ahead and roll your attacks.

A pop hop.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Pretty bad.

17 and 16.

Both of those missed.

It's that that slippery dick.

It is that slippery.

Wait, I thought all attacks against him were at a damn thing.

Because of the bad thing.

Yeah.

That was for the next round, or like the next.

I thought it was the next round.

So all of our hits.

You know, I'll allow it, sure.

So that first attack misses.

That would have been advantageous in the first attack.

Okay.

Second attack.

Much better.

The second one is going to be 23 to hit.

That does hit.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you got one through.

Got one through.

nine damage

stunning strike

make a constitution saving throw for me now.

Fail it.

Fail it.

Fail it.

Fail it.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Eighteen?

You just make it.

Yeah.

Okay, that's it.

That finished.

Beauregard, as your turn finishes, Malvolio.

That angry voice that was so furious and terrifying suddenly slips in your ear.

But it's not too late.

You have my gifts, and they're closer to death than you think.

You have my

compatriot, you have my sight.

Do what must be done,

Murdy.

Bring down the music.

Bring down the lights.

The stage changes once again.

And this time it's just us.

It's ten years in the past.

And it's someone's living room.

What the shit?

There are Doritos on the table.

There's iced tea.

Maybe a drink or two.

And some friends gather around a table for the first time ever.

And they're playing a game where maybe you find a path to somewhere fun and beautiful.

And they all know each other from different places in life.

And maybe, just maybe,

there's a spark of friendship there.

You got this jock guy.

Who's also a theater nerd and he's not so sure but the girl that he loves loves it so he's in too.

And you got old-time friends who've known each other forever.

You got people who only worked together, and maybe they've only found each other a few other times.

The history's there, and Malvolio doesn't know all the details.

He's only been around for a little bit, but the vibe that he gets is that these heroes are meant for something just a little bit

greater.

And you all start to fade away, and you polymorph into little flies, a fly on the wall,

and it's you.

And you've been there since the beginning, and you get to see it unfold.

And they play, and they play, and they laugh, and they snack, and they drink, and they joke.

And at some part, after a few days, or weeks, or years, who knows?

I don't know the story, but they decide maybe someone else wants to see this.

And it's a spark, It's a little spark.

And it grows and it grows.

And that fire grows and it lights the room and the room becomes bigger and the room changes.

The room changes into a little studio with a little shitty camera.

And someone goes, oh man, is anybody going to watch this?

And they kick up the lights and no one's done it ever before.

Who the fuck watches DD on TV?

And there it goes,

and there it grows.

And here we are in a big room tonight, the only ones live in person that will ever see this moment.

And you're loving it.

You're loving it, and we're loving it with you.

And the coolest part is, the coolest part is, yeah, you're dialed in, you're with us, but you're in the backs of your own minds too.

And you think about your living room and your snacks and your drinks and your friends.

And God, we'd love to see it too.

And the scene changes, and the sparkle changes, and the egos go away.

And it's just a game.

And for one last round, we're gonna try to fuck each other up.

Let's go, baby!

I cast imposter syndrome!

You don't need to!

Just kidding!

I'm going to cast the deadly game.

And I'm going to choose someone that I haven't been nice to.

I'm going to pick Fern

and I'm going to pick this

and right now you both have to make well you you choose which of these you want to use

spikes come up from the floor Dorito shaped spikes

I'd like you both to make an acrobatics

you choose athletics or acrobatics acrobatics

yes oh ooh cool ranch

Okay.

So, Bertie, is it a skill check or a saving throw?

No, this is a skill check.

At this point in time, you've both of them been shunted into part of the terrifying mountain of competition, and they are now competing against each other.

So, both of you roll against each other.

Against each other?

Correct.

Wait, we're wrong.

Yes.

Are we going to go?

Against each other?

Okay.

Are we trying to jump or push or what?

You're trying to avoid the terrifying blades that are spinning around the mountain as Dorito spikes.

Which one am I gonna do?

Which one am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

I think it's athletics.

Did you say athletics?

Athletics or acrobatics?

Both terrible.

Acrobatics or acrobatics.

Acrobatics, acrobatics.

Alright, come on.

14.

Nine.

11.

Fern, you take 28 points of slashing damage as you cannot keep up, and the first leg of the contest is complete.

I need you both to roll again.

No!

Same athletics again?

Acrobatics.

I am 11 hit points.

Which one?

Acrobatic.

Yeah.

Okay.

29.

Okay, I'm gonna roll it in here.

I'm gonna roll it in here.

I'm gonna roll it in here.

Got

10.

Fourth.

Fern, you take 16 points of slashing.

I'm out.

Come out.

There is a third round here.

Roll acrobatics.

Acrobatics, I get an advantage on.

15.

You land swimmingly, avoided all of the dangerous traps and blades and spikes.

As you continue with the friends, you all turn back.

And where Fern had fallen and the blades continue to grind her in.

You take two death saves.

I take two death saves?

Yes!

Two death fails.

Correct.

So I have two failures.

Yes.

Which one of you would consider themselves the healer?

Oh,

that's

a trick question.

That's a trick question.

That's a trick question.

Yeah, I would do that.

Oh, thanks for being so honest.

Bodic demoralization, negative D12 on your next turn.

That's it for me, friends.

Boss, do you want me to do anything to help?

Yeah, why not?

Get him, Murdy.

You're the healer, you said, right?

Let's dance.

And Murdy charges towards Jester.

Oh, no!

That's gonna be a 19 to hit.

What's your armor class?

Oh, 19.

It just hits you.

Oh, no.

Okay, Jester.

Okay.

Plus.

Oh, nice.

It's a 22 points of damage, Jester.

Uh,

fuck you.

What kind of damage?

Uh, this would be slashing damage.

Okay.

Okay, wait.

Screw you.

I have hellish rebuke.

Yes.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

So you're going to take three D10

cold damage.

All right, Constitution save for me is gonna be a 17.

What's the DC on yours?

I don't know.

Oh, uh, 18!

Ha ha ha!

Alright, so, yeah, Murdy's gonna take it.

Go ahead and roll the damage.

And Jester, your turn is after this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

14.

Whoa, that was so good!

24 points of cold damage!

Murdy takes a heavy hit and gets blasted back into your shoulder.

You see all these like icicles stuck to the body.

Hey, boss, I'm feeling a little chilly.

Oh, Murdy, let me hold you.

It's getting dark out there, boss.

No, no, Murdy, stay with the light, please.

You're the only friend I ever had.

You will not kiss me right now.

No, I'm just blown away by the fact that you haven't had any friends.

That's kind of...

Oh, shut the fuck up!

That finishes our turn, Jester.

You're up.

Dungeon Master, real quick.

Yeah.

Would that be considered an attack against another person other than Beauregard?

from Murdy yes

not from

not from MC technically no

all right all right fuck it I'll do it anyway sentinel attack against Murdy before the attack let's go

let's go

okay I think that's going to hit with a 25 that hits roll damage

that's gonna be 11 points of damage yeah Murdy takes a heavy crack of the jaw

If we're gonna do something, we gotta do it soon.

Starting to get a little

spinny, boss.

Kenna looks up, his eyes go black for a second.

Jester, your turn.

Oh, yeah.

I see Fern getting

tangled up in those things, and I'm gonna run towards her.

Okay, right as I turn back to you and I say, fuck off, and I slap him across the face with my spiritual dick.

Go ahead and roll an attack.

It is not an advantage since you've regained some of your composure.

As he knowy, but it was the full round that we haven't gotten back to.

Till his next turn.

Fuck.

It's you that controls the space whale.

Yeah.

22.

Do they have bartic division?

A D12.

Do you have to

do that?

Sorry.

Roll a D12, please.

Roll a one, roll a one.

Why?

Because I learned how to play DD four years ago.

18.

No, 16.

It does not end.

See, when

a dick is too big, it's just useless.

Useless!

Trust me, you need it to be a little small.

Cinderella Cinderella.

Why do you keep referring to yourself, Beth?

Do you have a big?

In a sense.

Oh yeah.

Jester.

What?

Please make an acrobatics check to get to Fern.

Fine!

Without getting hurt.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Acrobatics, that is 12.

You start leaping up the side of this mountain covered in terrifying pieces of dangerous.

I don't have to get super close.

I just have to get within 30 feet.

Right, which you do,

but along the way,

you do sustain

11 points of slashing damage.

Ah, spin balls.

Alright, fine.

But I'm still going to cast Mass Cure Wounds.

Am I within 30 feet of?

Who am I close to?

If I can get within 30 feet of fern, can I be within 30 feet of anybody else?

Here's what I'll say:

Bo, roll a D20.

Why me?

It's funnier that way.

This feels like a lot of pressure.

What if I fuck this up?

It's your fault then.

Shut up!

Oh my.

I knew this would happen.

It's a two, it's a two.

Nobody on this side is close enough to heal.

Okay.

Uh,

this side, however.

Brog, could you roll a d20 for me?

Yeah, no problem.

Watch this.

Eight.

Fern is the only person within range.

Okay.

It's okay.

I will totally use this fifth huge spell just for you.

Can you just use like a smaller, like a cure wound situation?

No, because I have to talk.

Oh, wait, that's cure wounds is within 60 feet.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'll allow it.

Yeah!

Okay, in that case.

The benefits of reading your spell.

Sorry.

No, it's all good.

Okay.

uh, okay.

Oh, wait.

Well, wait, hold on, because that might have.

We've had the negotiation phase.

Listen, it's a 30-foot radius sphere, so I think that still counts.

It's 30 feet on either side of me.

If you're the center of the sphere.

If I'm the center of the sphere.

But if I, um,

yeah.

Wait, but that's just 30 feet.

Do you want to heal Fern and yourself?

Yeah, fine, fine.

Okay.

All right, cool.

Yeah, I will do that.

Vern, I'm gonna kill you.

Heal you, not kill you.

I'm casting.

I'm casting this at the fifth level, though.

For how much?

That's 3d8.

Great.

Come on, travel, worry, motherfucker.

Don't worry.

I'm always watching.

19 plus 5!

24 to both of you.

Alright, that finishes Jester's go.

As you come to consciousness, Ingester pulls you free from some of the nearby mechanical twisting blades, and you're conscious once more, Fern.

Grog, you're up.

Kingsley, you're on deck.

Actually, do you want to do anything at the end of their turn?

Are you good?

I can't with the attack.

No, I'm good.

You're good?

Yeah, I gotta save it.

Okay, Grog, you're up.

With my bonus action, I smash my Titan stone knuckles together.

Let's go.

That's right, bitch.

I'm tired of fucking around.

Reckless play weapon master.

Natural toilet.

Brutal critical.

Come on.

So rough.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Damn.

That's 29 points of damage.

Yes.

27 points of down.

Minus 5 20 blah blah blah blah blah 22 to hit How could you

oh that hits okay

22 to hit five four ten fifteen

twenty six to chronic

16 points to slashing damage not as much last one

Come on Groggy.

No crits.

All right

15 25 minus 5 is 20 to hit 20 just hits just hits

It would have been higher, but that camera that was shattered earlier reduced his AC.

15, 25,

28 points of slashing damage.

No, you'd never do such a thing to me.

I pulled a damaged fern right in front of me.

Yeah, I'm in it to win it.

My reaction, manifest contestant, you're gonna take all of that damage.

I'm out again.

It's 25 hit points.

I'm out.

Grog, as you strike down, true, you heal the familiar shhtink of your axe sinking into flesh and bone.

Oh, this has happened once before.

What's this mean happening to me?

I have a vague memory of this.

Oh, no.

As Fern falls unconscious at the edge of your axe.

All right.

Grog, that's the end of your turn.

Does he still take some damage?

Does he still take some damage?

He still took some damage.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Kingsley, you're up.

As this is all

going down, and since I definitely have seen this trick before, I have already made my rounds just so I can get right behind you, and I'm just gonna slash to try and remove that dumb bolo off your...

bloody neck.

I'm cutting in from behind.

Okay.

Go ahead and make an attack attack roll.

It is a plus five to his AC to hit it because of how direct the called shot is.

Okay.

Going.

Oh, that's nice.

That is.

Left to hit a 25.

29.

That hits.

Go ahead and roll damage.

And that's 2v6, 2v8, 2v9.

Yeah, I'm going to do that again.

There we are.

I love that I can do that.

It's so amazing.

Six.

Ten,

fifteen.

That's fifteen.

That's twenty-four points of damage.

With a rapid, pointed flick of the wrist and a stab, the bolo snaps and the gem gets impacted by the blade

and it resists the impact.

like it's a fixed point in space, but you push through and as it pulls you see tethers of shadow yank and stretch until it

fires off like it was shot out of a slingshot.

And as it does, you hear a voice go,

smoke fills the space around Malvolio and around your vision

until suddenly silence fills the space.

As the smoke fades and pulls away,

you see there lying on the ground

what what

please

oh please

I don't know what I was doing.

I'm just from a small little town outside of Byrodon

It's a little place called Hebron

Yeah, you might know it if you're from the mystical land of Illinois

We got a We got a great big water tower there

that's painted like a goat ball.

It's because we won the 803 high school goat ball championship.

And we just can't let it go.

You locals know what I'm talking about, right?

You locals know what I'm talking about, right?

Oh, that feels good.

And I was just walking along one day with my sweet old trusted dog who's...

who's gone now.

And I found jewel in the in the middle of the road and I scooped it up and I said well hey that'd be real pretty if my ma or pa turned it into a bolo tie for me

when they just fashioned it right up and draped it around my neck and the next thing I knew I was thirsty for blood and vengeance

I fucking hated heroes.

And I heard about y'all, heard about Voxmach and I heard about 99, heard about Bill Sales.

I was like, fuck them guys.

Am I right?

Anyway, I didn't want to do none of this, y'all.

Do you think maybe

you just let a sweet old Byroden boy get off the hook this one time?

Is he crossing his toe net?

What do y'all think?

I'll leave it up to you.

Well,

I feel like we should not leave it up to us, but

we should leave it up to our friends.

Maybe.

I love the way you think, mister.

And you know, we say something from where I'm from.

We say smiley day to you.

Thanks so much.

I think you're right.

Perhaps, though, as you had us do,

you could

demonstrate how much you want this by

dancing.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose I'll dance from my supper.

Didn't

he?

Oh, God.

Is it playing?

No, I don't hear the music.

You don't hear anything?

Anybody hear it?

In our ears.

This feels like a defense mechanism.

Yeah.

Oh, there you That feels well.

There you go.

Hey, y'all.

Did you have a good time tonight?

Why don't you give it up one time for red team?

Why don't you give it up one time for blue team?

Why don't you give it up one time for motherfucking Grinner Baroque?

Tricked y'all up out of here.

Oh, shit.

He's gonna go ahead and use his second legendary resistance to resist the spell.

And you watch as the figure that became and was no longer Malvolio Contreras as you knew him vanish into the dark ether of night.

What?

What?

Oh, I wonder if we will see him again someday.

Probably.

What just happened?

We can hear him.

We can hear him.

They hear him.

It was just in our ears.

Did you hear him?

Okay.

Why did you hear him?

Yeah, they cut our mic.

He turned on his mic.

He is calling us fools.

He's using a lot of swear words.

He's laughing a lot.

And then he fell for it.

Is he just backstage?

Come He's like, they just said.

Get him.

I'm done.

I made my dramatic action.

What I said was...

They fell for it.

The beautiful, beautiful fools.

Let me hear it one last time.

That sweet energy that fills me up.

No.

Let me hear the applause!

Live, laugh, and die another day.

As the magic fades from this pocket realm, collapsing upon itself, what enchantments kept you here begin to come unbound.

One by one, you begin to draw back into the ether and are returned to where you were plucked on Xandria Press.

To join your friends with the strangest story to tell.

Keep it tight.

But somewhere out there,

a dark, pouty spirit still

holds a bit of malice in his heart.

Runs barefoot.

And runs barefoot.

But that's another story.

And that will conclude our game for you.

Oh, man.

Thank you all so much for coming with us on this very weird wild ride.

This deeply experimental

strange.

Bring it Robbie the fuck out of here.

Little devil back out here.

Get Robbie back out here.

Get that Twitch TOS breaking, boy.

Oh, man.

Give him that hat.

He needs that hat.

Come on up.

Get up here.

Send us out, man.

You're crowned.

Everyone, thank you so much for joining us for this wonderful evening.

We love you very much.

And is it Thursday?

Good night.

Take away.

Let's lose.

come out and

see how these copper comes.

A double, a double, a double.

Coco, we love you.

Thanks for listening.

We hope you've enjoyed this tale.

If you did, consider leaving a review on your podcast platform of choice.

We're always looking for new critters to share our stories with, and your review may help a new batch of wayward adventurers discover the show.

See you next time.

So, um, I was just parking my car, and then I saw you, the Gecko, huge fan.

I'm always honored to meet fans out in the wild.

The honor is mine.

I just love being able to file a claim in under two minutes with the Geico app.

Well, the Geico app is top-notch.

I know you get asked this all the time, but could you sign it?

Sign what?

The app?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, that means so much.

Oh, it rubbed off the screen when I touched it.

Could you sign it again?

Anything to help, I suppose.

You're the best.

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