Welcome, Campers! | Wildemount Wildlings Episode 1 Part 1

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Hey there campers, it's Game Master Sam Regal and welcome to our new miniseries Wild Mount Wildlings.

In this three-part adventure, we're making our way to Axandria's premier sleep awake camp for aspiring adventurers and following the antics of four angsty teen campers and their camp counselors, Beauregard Lionette and Yasha Naidurin.

New episodes of Wild Mount Wildlings air on Thursdays at 6 p.m. Pacific on vegan, Twitch, and YouTube with the VOD uploaded to YouTube on the following Mondays at noon.

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Now, let's wild out and get this adventure started.

Hello!

Wait, which camera do I look at? It's too late!

I'm Sam Regal. Welcome to the Wild Mount Wildlings.
I will be your GM for the next three shows as I take you on an adventure in a summer camp. Ashley, you're here to promote merch, apparently.

Oh, hello! Yeah!

Yeah, that's what she does.

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This is cool. Oh, wait, it's back.
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Oh, the back features a large print beneath the hood of a raven skull, a s. A snake, and three daggers.

I'm so bad at this. With gold foil details.
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Thanks.

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Wow, you guys are doing so many announcements. We are.

I have some

announcements.

No, no, and usually there's eight of us here to share that. Yeah, you have another one.
Ashley, tell us more.

There is a new critical role themed concoction. Oh, this one's good.

I mean, the other ones are good too.

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Oh, I wasn't. We came in.

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They like they bring in their mixologists.

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It's really cool, and you can just read us wax poetically about that. Well, thanks for bringing us down, and I think we're I think that's it for announcements.

Uh, it's time to get into this episode of Critical Role.

Hey everybody, welcome. Thank you so much for helping me out.
I am doing a

show called Wild Mount Wildlings. It's about campers who go on adventures and I need your help to pitch ideas for monsters, traps, potions, weapons, all sorts of stuff.
So if we're all ready...

Wait, are we gonna be the players?

You're not gonna be the players, but you are gonna help me with these wonderful ideas. So let's get started.
Can you go around the table and just quickly introduce yourself?

Hello, my name is Cash Fall. Very good.
Next? No, my name is Greta. Yeah.
Hello,

my name is Maxis. Uh-huh.
And then over there.

Say that and do that one. Hi, my name is Alan.
Uh-huh. Hello, my name is Morlu.
Oh, hi, I'm Penny.

Hi, I'm Ronan. Yeah, you are.

You don't have to.

What? You don't have to say that.

So it's like everyone else.

Okay, yeah, you're right.

Okay, so here's what I need from you guys.

The campers are going to be attacked by a monster early on in the show, and I need to know what that monster is. So, does anyone have any ideas? Alan, your hand was up first.
What do you got?

Okay, well, I actually drew an example.

Okay, what? Please tell me about your monster. Okay, I have no idea what it's called yet, but it's a flying pig, okay? It's got talons, so it can pick up multiple people or scratch them.

It has has four rows of teeth, okay. Uh-huh.

And it shoots acid sparkles from its eyes. Acid sparkles.
So if you get hit with the sparkles, then your skin melts off.

Okay, I love it. It's a nice idea.
My idea is that it breathes smoky fire out of its mouth. And smoky fire, okay, this is good.
This is good.

If it walks, does it have normal pig feet or does it have any different kind of feet? Oh, I'm wearing chicken feet. Chicken feet.

Huge chicken feet, I assume, or are they tiny? Like very big.

Very big. Okay, okay.

Penny, what do you got?

Tiny cat paws. Wait, so it's got chicken feet and cat paws? Yeah.
On the same feet or on different feet?

It has like a million legs, and some of them are giant chicken feet, and some of them are tiny cat paws. It's a little bit confusing, but I like it.
All right, Greta, any thoughts?

It leaves a track in your mind.

You're just immediately dumbfounded with depression.

Okay, so you get like a sense of spookiness or confusion whenever you're around it? No, whenever it steps, you feel depression. And that's why you...

Okay, okay, so it leaves tracks of depression. That is so metaphysical.
I like it. It makes a sound or a roar or it says something or it sings something.
Do you have any ideas? Let's

see. I think maybe it could sound like...
the sizzle of bacon. The sizzle of bacon.
Okay.

Sure, yeah, it's like a hissing sizzle. I love it.
I love it. Kessie.

It grabs people. What does it grab people with?

Tongue. A tongue? It stores them inside of its mouth.
Inside of its mouth. Okay, great.
Last but not least for this guy, does it have a name? Does it have a... What do you call this creature?

Oh, penny. Gub gub.
Yub-yub. No, gu-gub.
Gub-gub. Okay, great.
That's good. Done.
That's one done. Wait, it's so easy.
Okay, great.

Wow!

Mount

Wildlings

at Wildlife Wildlings. We learn adventuring, missers and warlocks, rangers and scouts.

In fields and rivers, we go exploring.

When it's boring, we wild out.

We are the wildlings. Yes, the wildlings.

Getting in trouble every day.

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And we're back! Welcome to the Wild Mountain Wildlings. I am Sam Regal, your host for this evening.
Before we get started, I wanted to introduce everybody at the table because there's some old faces.

Sorry, sorry, not by age. That's fair.
That's fair. But there's some new faces as well.
So, just starting over here, we've got Marisha Ray. Hi.
You guys know her.

Hi. That's Alex Lee.
Hello. My name is Alex Lee.

This is my sister, Eden Regal. Hello.
It's a family affair.

Over there is Libe Barrer. Hi.

Rennie Lee Mulligan. Hello.
And Ashley Johnson. Hello.

And we're going to be playing a fun little camp game today.

So, if you guys are ready, we'll just dive right in.

Pudding.

Yes.

Bonbons, fizzy sodas, and all the goat dogs you could dream of await you at the Wildling Advancement Feast.

The Daintyfoot class, the lowest rank at this camp, is graduating up one level to become three belows.

The mood is festive. It's a beautiful sunny day at the end of the month of Cindistar.

I looked it up.

And campers are abuzz as they proudly show off their merit badges and stand alongside cabin mates, ready to hear a speech from camp director Veth Brenato.

Except the four of you, Alex, Eden, Libe, and Brennan, you guys are miserable. But more on that later.
What else is new?

Welcome to the Wild Mount Wildlings Camp for Adventuring Kids. You guys know this camp.

You've been here all summer having fun, sure, but also learning all the skills you're going to need to join an adventuring party or become a sword or wand for hire or maybe someday save the realm from the forces of darkness.

Alongside gifted warlocks, fighters, rangers, and bards, you've been guided by Veth, her husband Yeza, and their their expert staff to earn merit badges like Postmodern Necromancy,

the Spell Yeah badge in Arcana, Sleight of Handiness, the Brood Awakening badge for potions, and see brood,

and you can even get a badge in Death Saving 101.

But the four of you, Alex, Eden, Libe, Brennan, you are the Olgas. You did not earn any badges this summer, which is why you were relegated to the Olga cabin.
Olga stands for, oops, let's go again.

You were disgraced, held back, mocked by your peers, shunned by your parents. You failed.
Shunned by my parents! Yes!

Good God!

You get no pudding, you lose.

These thoughts weigh you down as Veth, the boisterous halfling camp director, concludes her speech. So, congratulations to almost all of you.

And as an extra special treat for our new three belows, we're holding your celebration at the Do Not Hike Trail.

At this news, the campers bustle with excitement.

The Do Not Hike Trail is shrouded in mystery and curiosity because, as the name implies, no campers are allowed to hike it. But today we are going to reveal its tantalizing secrets.

When you hear your cabin name called, line up for treats, games, manheck, any magic potion you want to try.

At this, Veth's husband, Yeza Bernato, a mousy halfling in spectacles, leaps forward. No, no, no, no, no, no, we will not be willy-nilly drinking magical potions, darling.
Remember,

that's an insurance liability on Veth's side.

Insurance, the bane of my existence. Fine!

Instead, each of you can take one weapon out of the armory and do whatever you want with it. Wild out on three, two, one, wild out!

The campers all cheer in unison and break into the camp song as the counselors lead them out of the hubbub hub, which is the camp's central meeting point, to forge down the Do Not Hike Trail.

Some of the campers even point and giggle at you on the way out. A tall jock named Drock Winterforge passes by, muttering, sorry, Trollgas, better luck next year.

As their joyful singing fades, you are left in silence. Yezza, the husband, heads off to his workshop to finish a new potion.
Beth remains behind, her face curling in a solemn expression.

So, um, obviously none of that applies to you, Olgas.

I'm told the quitter quartet here failed to earn even a single merit badge among you all summer. As she looks across the four of you judgmentally, What is she looking at?

Will you please describe yourself, Alex? Uh, my name is Kai. I'm a wood half-elf.
I've got pointy little ears.

My clothes, very fashionable, lots of holes in them. Very cool.
I chewed those myself.

Or not.

Maybe, who knows?

I have short, kind of messy white hair. And

yeah, I got a tired look on my face, always. Okay.
Tired. Eden, what do you look like? My name is Skull Crusher Blood Forbes.
But please, please don't call me Skull Crusher. I hate it.

I'd rather be known as Sky. So we got a Kai and a Sky.
A Kai and a Sky.

Yeah. This is going to be pretty cool.

I'm about two and a half feet tall. Well,

two feet eight inches. Those two inches count, you know, if you're being technical.

I'm a halfling. And I have

wild red, curly hair that I try to tame as best as I can. I tie it up in a bun, get it off my face.
I want to do some serious business here, and I got big

glasses.

If I'm being honest, I don't really need them, but I think they make me look really studious. And I'm here at camp to learn magic, after all.

I'm just so excited to be here. Oh, I have also pretty buff.

I have...

I have giant muscles. It's

a music.

It's age genetic.

I don't do anything. I just, if I pick up a tray in the cafeteria, they just

and so I've got this uh flowing blue cave to try to cover them up a bit and and I've got my spell book. I'm I never I never leave the cabin without it.

That's me, I'm Skye. Levi

Um, I'm Jessup Nimblethorpe. Um, I'm

I'm almost six feet. I'm I'm I'm 5'11, I identify as.

I'm very tall and thin and a light blue with a dark aquamarine hair with some white growing at the roots from anxiety.

I modeled my haircut after a 1930s inventor that I really liked, but I let it grow out because I forgot about it. It was like a little long.

And my vibe is generally 1930s inventor, but some would say that it would look very chic if I wasn't so,

you know, hadn't grown into myself quite yet. But I a monocle that is constantly falling out of place that I'm just,

I constantly put it back into place.

I only have something wrong with this one eye, and

it's bothersome to have both of my eyes covered.

Amazing. 1930s, by the way, is her zip code.

Brandon, what are we looking at? My name is Padman Podhop.

Padman. That's my guy.
Padman.

I'm Kai's friend. Kai's my closest friend in the camp.
I also am happy to be in the Olga cabin with Skye and Jessu. I am an apprentice wizard and a bullywug, so I'm a little frog boy.

And I have spectacles that

sort of like Chucky Finster. My eyes fill up the whole glasses.

So they're already sort of larger than normal frog eyes, but then they're even magnified by the frogs. Tell me how tall you are, Padman.
Oh, I think I'm a little shorty.

I think I'm a shorty little guy. I think I'm like halfway sized.
I think

I'm a little

shorty guy. Two feet and six inches or eight inches? I think, let's go two foot eight.
I'll go.

Same height, same height. And

I was operating under the apprehension that this was an adventure-themed submerged

for children interested in adventure conceptually.

And the sort of physical

the physical requirements are not what I'm interested in I sort of thought this would be for enthusiasts of adventuring

not adventurers and so

yeah not going to space yeah I sort of came for like a space camp situation and then they're like launch in five

and I have sort of uh I've been rudely surprised with the level of on hands training

So I'm disappointed in myself, but also I did not know that this would be what this was.

Well, disappointment is the theme as Veth looks at you with disappointed eyes. For the four of you, we have slightly

a different activity planned for you today. Luke, bring them out!

Huh? Oh, okay, mom, sure. Luke Bernado,

Veth's pimply teenage son, also your cabin counselor, opens a door and invites two muscular women in whom you instantly realize.

These are Beauregard Lionette and Yasha Nidoran, famed members of the Mighty Nine.

Who are these? This is the Beauregard Lionette. She's an expositor of the Kobald Soul.
And this is Yasha Naidoran. They're members of the Mighty Nine.
I also think that

there might be an item. I only see two of them.

I only see two of them. You said there's nine of them? Well,

that's a very interesting.

So as it happens, dying in this case does that refer to the um aunt bow

and yasha meet the olgas kai skull crusher sorry sky

padmund jessup ladies

hi hello could i get your autograph

sure yes uh

get it out of the way yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah beth sort of gives you a side eye like

You know what? I'm so sorry.

We are not supposed to sign autographs at the moment, maybe after. Yeah, yeah, we're here on business.
I'm so sorry.

Please. I mean, just I'm sorry.
Maybe later. Okay.
I've told Yasha and Bo about your predicament. Yes.

I've told them a little bit about you. In fact,

and you guys notice that they're carrying red file folders

that have some information about each of you.

They would like to

get to know you a little bit better before we sort of tell you what's going to be going on today. Bo, Yasha, if you'd like to take it away and

sure, yeah.

I just want to say, even though I know you all are children, I believe you should speak to children like adults. So I'm going to be treating you like an adult.

And I hope you act

like adults. Well, but like, you know, adults, but, you know,

like light. You know, yeah, light, light adults.
But but yeah. Small adults.
You'll be paying us for our time?

Well, I think you're actually paying

her for the tea. You know what? We're not gonna get into that right now.

I'm a bit scared.

Um. Don't wait.
Hey, Seeker, so make friends. Okay.

Can't hear you. Okay.

You're just speaking in halfling.

Alright.

We would love to learn a couple things about you all. Didn't realize there was gonna be so much paperwork.

So much paperwork.

Why don't you you start us off? I'll start. I'll start.

Padmund. Yeah.
I feel like maybe we should start with you since

you seem very eager to jump in.

Hey, frog humor.

Is that inappropriate? I honestly don't know. Okay.
I mean, I've seen frogs. I look exactly like them.

I'm a bollywug, technically. Well, that's very interesting.
Yeah. Where do you hail from, Padmond? By Bob and Dad's house.

Come from a... That's very nice.
Is it nice? Yeah? It's very nice. Come from a loving family? Yeah.
Are you a rich boy? Huh? Are you a rich kid? I think we're comfortable. Okay.

Three bedrooms. Pretty nice.
Three bedrooms? We live in a three-bedroom on the Benagerie Coast. Oh.

Love no. I've never been to the Benagerie Coast.

The Menagerie. Oh,

Druid.

We've been there so much.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

I don't have nostrils.

Yeah, just straight across. Bo, straight shot.
Bo, tough. Remember, tough love, Bo, please.
Yeah, but well, that was the love part. I think I started pretty tough.

All right.

Prentice Wizard-eh?

Alright.

Says Huri that

you have quite a little bit of a fascination with the Mighty Nine. I do.
Yeah. Okay.

I'm trying to start a collectible card game at camp. Oh, hmm.
If you had to rate your strength on a scale from three to twenty, what would you say it was? Obviously, 20. Yeah,

I would be up there as well. Yeah,

but hang on, Padman. I feel like we're already getting distracted here.
No. And honestly, I feel like that

is a very crystalline example of what

maybe appears to be some of your issues here. Maybe you're a little distracted.
Maybe that wasn't part of the assignment at all. Maybe you're a little bit too

fascinated with us.

The Toba, the Toba, the holographic cards that you named. Those are cool.
I use a spell known as illusory script that I could cast as a ritual to create holographic imprints artistically.

Kai is an amazing artist and draws you guys, and then I can imprint them using illusory script.

Do you have an example?

We'll get to that later.

We've been trading them around the camp. Yeah.
And then we've got a whole game going with them.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That sounds very resourceful.

I'm not mad about it, okay? I just want to say, like. I'm just saying, if you guys want to sign them, it could make them the price go up.
Okay, okay. So hang on, hold on.

Yeah, we could.

Yeah, we will sign. Look.

Look, don't. Don't.

You're humoring them.

You'll have to earn.

Everything today you're going to have to earn, all right? If you want signatures, fine, but you have to earn it, just like you earn. You haven't earned a badge.

Now let's get serious here you have you you haven't been focused or concentrating you you've barely made any headway at all this whole year what what why are you here

I'm gonna unfurl a massive flow sheet of how the game of the Mighty Nine would work.

And it has a bunch of things. So I just need some creative help with different ability names.
If you had to characterize your attack mode in an automatopoeia,

how would you do that? Because

I need some more bow interruption cards. It's it's

it's pop-pop, but that doesn't I was gonna go with bit bit.

Pop-pop is way easier. You think these guns produce a bit bit.
Listen, Padman, this is um

do you want to be at this camp? Yeah, do you want to be here? Because you have to actually do the activities in the assignments if you want to stay at this camp.

Look, if you go home to mom and dad and they're like, what did you learn at Adventure Camp? And you're like, nothing, I made a game. Then they'll be like, why didn't we send you to Games Camp?

And they paid full price. Most of the kids here are

either partially or fully funded by grants and

freebies, but you, you're actually paying for three of the campers here. I mean, my parents are comfortable.

I think they do all right for themselves. I don't know that I'd say we're rich.
You'd have to ask our servants about that. Well, get serious, all right?

You're gonna need to get serious today if you wanna stay here. Look, if you wanna be, you wanna be like the Mighty Nine? Yeah.
You want to be like us? Yeah, where do you think we started?

Do you think we started trying to pretend to be like other people?

Wait, I'm losing the thread. Look,

the point is:

if you want to be an adventurer, if you want to be a hero, if you want to, it doesn't even have to be an adventurer, but you got to be able to take care of yourself, okay?

It's a cruel world out there, all right?

Someone comes up to you, tries to bully you,

what are you gonna do? Run away.

There are other options, and we're gonna learn some of them. But Yasha, tear another one of these guys in the middle of the ball.

Yasha pulls out her reading glasses. All right, so we have who's this here now? You look so cute.

Thank you, baby. Um

Skull Crusher Bloodforge? Please, I'm so sorry. Um, I I

don't mean to be rude, but would you please call me Sky? Sky? Skye, yes. Sky was named Skull Crusher by my family.
They're they're they're half-ling barbarians,

if I'm being honest, yeah.

And they

have a good business for themselves, being this hired muscle

around the various villages. And

we protect people,

we'll maraud. There's been some marauding from time to time.
Marauding needs to be a good idea.

You want to be broken out of jail? You call us. You want us to protect your treasure?

My dad likes to say,

we'll do the job. The same job with half the height at half the price

and

that's that's how good i like it that's good we started uh we started i was born in the town of

othe oh yes yes um and we started protecting the the local merchants who who sold uh oh i'm so sorry i i wasn't including you it's just i was a little intimidated by you at first it's uh it's okay i've been listening the whole time you're good okay so yes so i i see here that uh

yes you come from a long line of of barbarians, but you came here to study wizardry? Yes, yes, that's right.

Okay, so when I was a wee lass, I was about 10 years old, and we just started traveling around and doing our business. How old are you now? I'm 15.
Okay.

This incredible thing happened.

I was in a village, just sort of, you know, hanging out, seeing who I could meet. And

I saw this little girl. She was only maybe about about five or six and cutest little girl and she was being bullied by these older kids see boys yeah yeah

and and and she had this beautiful carved unicorn and you could tell it was her most prized possession and these kids they took this unicorn and they smashed it on the ground broke it into pieces

she was weeping and For the first time in my life, I felt this anger well up inside of me and I just, I wanted, I

I wanted to rip these kids to shreds

I I was gonna

I swear I I I was gonna go to give them a piece of my mind and a piece of my fist if you know what I mean

and and I don't believe in that I don't like violence I don't like any of it. Why not? Um

because it's it's so rough and wrong. It's it just hasn't appealed to me.
I'm not like my family. Anyway, uh just as I was about to approach um uh this this man came out of nowhere.

And at first I thought he was a vagrant. He was real dirty.
And he had this long reddish-brown hair and this scruffy beard. And he comes up to this little girl

and wipes her tear and picks up this little unicorn. And then he starts to do the most incredible thing.
I see this energy and color swirling around this unicorn.

And I think to myself, I should hang back for a second. And he's going to fix this girl's unicorn.
Well, no.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

This orb of energy around it grows and grows and grows until, honest to God, before my eyes stands a full-grown unicorn. And this girl

looked it in the eyes. Sorry.

There's no swearing here.

So you're gonna need to put in the money. What am I supposed to put in here?

Okay.

Where is my wallet?

Are we doing this money in the end? Are we going to donate this? I think one of us gets the money at the end.

If you need, I can cover you.

I thank you, Padman. But Padmund? Padman? Padded.

You feel like it keeps changing? I'm an

average, and

there we go.

So it turned into a full unicorn. Oh, yeah.
So was it so wonderful?

And she locked eyes with this unicorn,

and I knew they'd be friends for life. and he he picked her up and he put her on the unicorn's back and they rode off and and I knew at that moment

the man and the little girl or the unicorn and the little girl

and the little girl of course unicorns are actually um very temperamental and can actually can be very violent they're kind of mean

i think the point of the story is that the unicorn was was going to protect her

anyway it was my old

so you're you're you're you're wanting very much to learn magic magic. You did not complete your press to digitation badge because you snapped the magic wand in half.

So you have some anger issues, which is a wonderful thing to work with. Well, it's just my muscles.

I'm quite strong. Yes, I see.
But you tested off the charts and strength and stamina, but you only signed up for magic horses. Why are you fighting against what you are?

Because I don't want to hurt people. I want to make people's dreams come true.
That's why I'm here.

I want to. I want to give people unicorns.
I'm going to work so hard and I'm going to get this.

My friend is helping me.

I'm going to get the marriage badges in magic, I promise. Well,

Jessup? Nimblethorpe?

You apparently came very highly recommended by your professor parents. Yes, my parents are both professors.

I've gotten straight A's my whole life, and so I'm really...

upsetting to not have passed to the next level, but that's okay. That's okay.
I have

my friend here,

and I'm just gonna get better.

Yeah, I'm

better. Are you sick? Something wrong with you? No, no,

I'm very healthy. I got my no, I want to, I swear, I swear I'm not.

It was a whole ordeal. I just sometimes my anxiety takes hold.

But I'm very healthy.

I get physicals regularly, probably too regularly. My doctor actually told me me to stop going so often.

I understand health anxiety. Like, sometimes you feel like you're dying all the time.
Yeah, like you have a stomachache and you're like, I have cancer. Exactly.
We have to have a lot of things.

Sorry.

Yes.

Well, here it says

in Spellcraft Workshop.

Instead of casting guiding bolts, you apparently made your entire class's hair fall out. Yeah,

I'm really not proud of that one.

But sometimes when I get really

Everyone thought it was really funny, but I was really upset that I did that to everyone. I don't want to cause harm.
I just

want to help others with my magic. But

when I get anxious, sometimes I go to cast a spell and in trying to get it perfectly right, I accidentally cast the entirely wrong spell. And

that's what I'm saying. You just get nervous.
I get really nervous. You have nerves.
You have anxiety. Yeah.
You have anger. Yeah.
These are things we can work through, we can work with.

You have an unhealthy obsession. You have an unhealthy obsession.
We can work with that. And what about this

over here? You, um. Bo, give him the, you know,

rough him up. I'm doing great, actually.
So. No, you think you're doing great? I think I'm doing very good.
So you're self-assured?

Uh, I'd say so, more or less. Okay.

You've had some good jokes, little jokester, sitting over here.

All right. All right.

Kai, it is? Yes. Okay.

16, so you're a little bit older than the rest of them.

Yeah, a little.

Just a little bit. Do you feel responsibility being the eldest? Uh.

Not quite. I feel pretty laid back.
I feel pretty good. No, I'm getting that.

Chill, very calm. You got him on the roads, Kai.

Looks like

you had a bit of a tough childhood. No, it was amazing.
You were an orphan that that you were raised by a gang of bandits.

Oh, yes.

That part.

Yeah, I mean, that's one. Is that.
Am I revealing? I'm not trying to put you on blast. Multiple arrests.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, for petty theft.

You could say that.

You know, Kai,

I was like you once when I was a kid. I was also a lot of stomach issues.
Oh.

I also

participated in some, you know, some petty crime. A little bit of petty theft.
What was your most

petty crime?

You know, mine was a little weird. It was mail fraud.

Okay. So that's where you get a guy.
A little bit of extortion. No like

documents. I see.
Okay.

A little bit of embezzlement.

I don't know that word.

Yes, yes. Boo.
I asked Boo and Yasha here to help, to help you all. Yes, we will help.
We will help. Vest, we will help.
And so far, they're doing a great job.

Doing a great job. I know.
Yeah, we've got a lot of stars. They're doing so good.
Do you guys have a lot of history working with children? No.

Actually, none. What's up?

But like I said, you're not children. You're young, light adults, right?

I would consider myself a child, but that's just me.

Okay, we can work on that.

You can grow out of that. Oh,

well, I hope so. Otherwise, I've been killed.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, but

those are my two options. Stay alive and keep aging or stop aging, and there's only one way to do that.
That is very true.

I can tell that it's already working. This sort of scared straight approach is definitely working.

Historically, it's always worked. I'm waiting for the bad cop to come around.

So you're here for a court order rehabilitation plan.

Yeah.

Looks like

you failed your sleight of hand badge, sleight of handiness badge. But not because you didn't succeed in stealing something.

You stole

a healing potion instead of what you were supposed to steal.

Which was?

I don't know. What was it? It was like a freaking

trinket or something. Yeah, it was

a

badge. A merit badge, but you failed.
You failed. You all failed.
But we're gonna fix this.

Technically, because none of you earned any badges, the rules state that you have to leave camp in disgrace, never to be seen or heard from again. But...

But you know how I feel about rules, right? The camp motto is wild out. That doesn't mean following the letter of the law.
It means breaking locks and leaving fingerprints and being kids.

So I have a soft spot for outcasts like you, and I want to offer you one more shot. To earn your three below rank, you each need to earn one merit badge by the end of the day.

Send the day. Today.
That's it. So take the Wyvern by the horns.

And if you have a difficult task in front of you today, just remember, when in doubt, wild out.

Come on, give me a wild out. One, two, three.

Wild out. Good, I'll work on that too.
I have trouble wilding out. Yasha and Bo are going to take you through some exercises today.

My son Luke will help and

I mean good luck to all of you.

Do you want to stay here? Do you

more than anything? Okay. Absolutely.
I can't fail.

My parents are on vacation.

They have a lot of power. They have a pleasure bar, so if I went home, I would have to find a way to get in the house.

Well, you know, if you learned some basic lockpicking, that's right.

Yes,

possibly, if he follows instructions. All right.
Luke, take them to the training grounds. Luke, the teenage boy,

comes up and says, all right, everybody, follow me.

He leads you out of the hubbub hub and guides you through the camp.

I'll be right there. You guys go ahead.

Veth, can I talk to you for a second? Sure, sure, sure.

As you walk through the camp,

Bo, Yasha, and Veth sort of hang back a little. The four of you walk off in front with Luke, and you get a glimpse of the camp.

You guys know this, but for Bo and Yasha, this is your first glimpse of the facilities of the camp. It's ramshackle, run down.

The campers basically destroy it every summer, and Veth and Yeza try to repair it in the offseason. You pass locations like Salmon Lake.

Named for its color.

It's a filthy lake, the color of blood, with some sort of enormous creature swimming around, making massive bubbles. There are no salmon in there? No, no, no.
Okay. Horribly polluted.

We found out the hard way.

There's the Do Not Hike Trail.

There's various cabins. You see the nest, Lions Lodge, Rooster's Roost, all the different themed cabins.
You see your cabin, the Olga cabin.

You pass by the Gross, which is the eatery, a sun-bleached cafeteria on stilts, and Phyllis, the centaur lunch lady, dumping out a pot of food behind it.

You pass the medical tent, the curfew tower, where Mishi the curfew creature stands vigilant.

You pass the magic meadow which is a proving ground for magic users. You also see a couple of different places, the String Can Network, which is a camp-wide tin can telephone system.

It's usually broken though.

So sometimes calling one place to another can take longer than just walking there.

But as they said, Veth, Bo, and Yasha hang back. So the four of you are in front if you guys wanted to talk about anything amongst yourselves.

But if not, Veth will talk to Bo and Yasha and say, all right, so that was sort of a rough start, you guys.

I was expecting you to sort of

scare them,

intimidate them.

How do we know that that's the right route to take? They are children. When this is also light adults, this is

what I wanted to talk to you about, because I feel like there's a little bit of mixed messages going on here. Well, I do too.
I do too.

Because you're like, oh, you know, you are children and want you to wild out and be like kids and there are no rules, but then you're wanting to bring in, bring in here to try and force rules.

I know, but that's mostly Yeza. I'm...

I know it's a bit of mixed messaging, but the problem is they have to get comfortable before they can wild out. They have to at least be good at their skills that they came here to learn.

And then, then, you know, once you're good at something, you can sort of bend the rules and break the rules and have fun with it. But first, they have to have a basic knowledge of something, anything,

and they don't. They're really

losers.

Well,

we all were maybe losers at one point, yeah. You know, we were a part of the 99.

Can I make a perception check to hear Vest say that we're losers? Go ahead, roll.

Oh, no,

14

plus

and the Imperial I think I have 14 before 18. Oh for sure you heard it.
Yeah, yeah.

It'll be a creature status loser. No friends, no hopes, no prospects.
Card can upgrade.

That's my favorite one yet.

I just want to say, like,

it's gonna be a long ass day. You wanna you think we can whip these kids into shape in a day? Yeah, that is that's I don't know if we can get them to get a merit batch by the end of the day.

You can do anything. Listen,

I know that these aren't the greatest campers, but I see a lot of good in them. They have these they have great promise.
They're just not focusing in the right direction. And

I'm sorry, I'm being so rude to you guys. You guys are here on vacation, sort of, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Weren't you talking about? Trial run? Trial run.

Oh!

To see how we are with. Oh, that's right.
You're thinking about having kids yourself.

What are we still even talking about? We've been so busy. Did you decide? Well, is one of you pregnant right now? No.

We don't know. We don't know.
We don't. Are both of you pregnant right now? No.

No. How would that work? I don't know.
How does that even work? I don't know. I don't know.
We're trying to figure that out, okay? It works differently for my family.

Well, I've seen it. It's gruesome.

you have to do it in public it needs a lot of space

I'd rather not know that yeah it's just true sorry so wait are you both definitely gonna have I mean are you excited about this or I've been so busy you know with my work I've been working so much with Caleb and everything for the

damn Cerberus assembly so I've been promising Yasha this for a long time so

I'm taking a little bit of time off. I'm doing I'm doing something.
It's self-care. It's self-care and investment in our relationship.

Yes, and we're just going to see if maybe this is the time we might be too old.

I don't know if it's time.

So spending time

spending time with these kids is a good time. Spending time with kids at like the worst time in their life when they're the most awful.
Like a teeth.

And then we can decide if we can do it. We're up for it, you know? We've been to the plane of the abyss and fought giant monsters with eyeballs and our friends that have risen from the dead.

This feels like the hardest thing I've ever gonna do in my entire life. You're not wrong about that.

You're not wrong about that.

We'll do it. We'll figure it out.
I mean, what do you've got a teenage boy right now? He's the most wonderful boy in the world, and I want to kill him. Yeah.

He can drive me so crazy sometimes.

But shit.

Shit.

I keep saying

three American dollars. I don't have my wallet on.
Someone might have to run me my wallet. I don't know how much cash

figure it out.

Whatever. It can be 20s.

I'm going to hold on to that. Maybe it'll be like an advance.
Yeah, maybe. Can you cover me, Dave? I'll cover you, don't worry.

I will say that having a kid is a wonderful experience. It teaches you a lot about yourself, and so I hope that ultimately you do decide to have kids, but I'm not going to force you to.

Well, it's just like, I don't know if it's the selfish thing, you know, like you think about... If I had a kid, I'd give it a life that I didn't have.

And then it would be so good.

Yeah, but then it's like, is that selfish? self-pressure is it pressure yeah are you gonna be trying to shape the kid into something like that they don't want to they don't want to be yeah

and what if it's what if it's like egotistical like you're just trying to build a child in your image you know hold on is is is luke with us right now yeah he is okay so we're not there still you're just you're about 20 feet ahead

they they yeah luke uh sort of understands what's going on behind him and is like i'm sorry about this they sometimes they get like this for a long time Can I try to listen in on their conversation?

Sure, go ahead, roll a perception check to see if it's a 20.

A D20, yeah. Okay.

17. Yeah, you can hear most of what they're saying.
They're pretty loud. Okay.

I'm just taking notes. Okay, good.
It's like they're not even trying.

As you listen to what they're talking about, you guys do reach the training grounds.

It's a large amphitheater-like space built into the woods with archery targets, an obstacle course, a rickety little bridge, all manner of test dummies strewn about, pierced, slashed, even bludgeoned.

This is where campers come to perfect physical combat of all sorts.

All right, everyone, we're here. Today you'll be competing in tests of strength, dexterity, wisdom, intelligence.
I don't really know the difference between those last two.

But if you endure this test, this sort of campionship, if you will, and if Bo and Yasha deem you successful, they will award you with a badge.

Are you ready to show your all to these people today? Wild out.

Yes, absolutely.

We've got this. Yes.
Wild out. More enthusiasm.

More passion.

Kype. Wild out.
Wild out. Wild out.
Yeah, there we go.

That's more like it. I'm wilding so hard right now.

I sort of believe you.

All right, let's do the first activity then, and please do your best. I'm really counting on you.

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And I'm Jerry's Heart. Today's topic, Repatha, Evelokimab.
Heart, why'd you pick this one?

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Where did we?

Oh, he's giving me fake money.

But I want real money.

But these are fake hundreds. Brainy hundreds.

How are you feeling?

I'm okay. I'm just really hoping that I don't have to do any strength things so that my

twig-like arms might snap in half, but um... Well, we gotta work on those.
Yeah, no, I don't know if that's possible, but we'll try. Okay.
We've done a day.

You all are at

rock fucking bottom.

You're at rock bottom, okay?

And you know what?

Rock bottom's a good place to be.

You know why?

That wasn't a rhetorical question. Do you know why? Well, because we have somewhere to go from rock bottom.
That's correct. That's correct, skull crusher.
Sky. Not skull crusher? Alright.

That's correct sky. Can only go up, right?

Wild out! Theoretically, you could also move laterally to a different area of rock bottom. Also, if the rocks slip, then you can fall between the rocks.

Okay, it's gonna go back to being a rhetorical question, okay?

Don't have these thoughts inside yourself. Bro, start them off.
Let's do this activity.

You guys ready?

Ready. Yeah.
This test is very simple. Okay.
Okay?

You see this? This is a pine cone. Oh.
It is a pine cone.

Use your imaginations, okay? It's a translucent pine cone. Yeah.
It's a special, rare variety of the um the pine trees here. They produce translucent cones.
They do, it's true.

So,

you have one simple task:

knock this pine cone out of my hands.

By any means necessary.

You can punch, you can kick,

you can use magic.

Kick!

But

all you gotta do

Send this pine cone flying, all right? All right

All right

Well, let's do it. Um, I'm going to need each of the four of you to roll initiative to see what order we're going to be doing this go ahead and roll also a 20 right.
Yes, everything's a 20. 17 again

Okay

so Kai first Jessup second

uh I believe sky third and padman last, and you will be competing at boy, where's the uh, where's the thing? Is it back here? I don't do this. What are you looking for? You got this, you got this.

Yay!

What a natural you are. Oh, my god, it's so heavy.

You need to help this.

Got it? This is

how I do it. It's so beautiful.
Gorgeous. Look at this.
Oh, this is so cool. Look at the bridge.

And you guys have minis.

This is you, Padman.

Love doggy. This is you, Jessup.
Oh, my God. Taller and bluer.
Oh, my gosh.

And this is Miss Skye. So cool.

And here we go. Wait, where's the bus? So did you build this, Sam?

I certainly did.

That's enough. Oh, here we go.
Kai, this is you, I think.

Yes? Nice, nice, look at that. So cool.

Look at the eyeball. Oh, my God.
Okay, and then we've got your Bo and Yasha. Bo and Yasha, where do you want to be on this map?

Well, I feel like I'm going to be right in the middle of the bridge, right? Right in the middle of the bridge. That's part of the challenge, right? I'll be up here to the bridge.

And then, kids, where do you want to be? I guess you would all be sort of down

below.

And then Kai, you're first, so you're going to be up on the bridge with

Bo.

Boy,

how do I make it battle?

I don't know how to do this stuff up yet.

I got this. You got this.
All right.

Oh, hi. No, I think they did it for me backstage.
Thank you, Brennan.

Thank you.

All right.

As they get ready,

a new voice

joins the chorus of voices.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It is a young

blonde-haired 20-something half-elven counselor in a sundress who runs up, interrupting. Wait, wait, wait, please, Veth, a moment, please.

This is Beth Greenbloom,

the camp cleric. She's responsible for all the healing seminars.
She also runs the yoga and Pilates workshop.

Please, please, Veth, your husband wanted me to remind you about the potions.

Ah, that's right, says Beth. Ah, freaking insurance.

Beth hands

Beth two corked bottles of a swirling gray syrup. So, Yeza thinks that Bo and Yasha here will hurt these children because they're so overpowered.

So, Caleb sent these potions for you. What?

They will dampen your abilities. Just for 24 hours.

Dampen our abilities? Yes, yes, because if you

we're worried that you're gonna one-shot kill some of these

characters. I know how to control my strength.
Yeah, we can pull our punches. I don't think that you can, so it would really it's for insurance.

They want you to swig these potions. It'll just make you weak for one day.
It's fine.

If you don't do this, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.

Why is that my problem?

Same, I was gonna say the same. I don't care.

I mean, we have to take these, right? Yes, please. Otherwise, you're going to kill my kids.

Hadman has very brittle bones.

All right. Okay, fine.
Fine.

She hands them over. It's a pungent elixir.
It smells like tobacco and cheese.

As you drink it down, you do feel a little bit dazed, and instantly you feel much, much weaker. This potion immediately reduces Bo and Yasha to level three.
Whoa!

Damn! Yes,

punch Caleb in the nuts next time you see you.

If you can.

You're pretty weak.

Did we get those sent? I sure hope you got those stats. Yeah, we're

in the emails. You know what? We're gonna, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna pull that on the hip break for first.

I'm sure we can get it printed out for you. My.

Yes.

That sounds great.

Brennan, while you were gone,

Bo and Yasha are now level three.

Did a magical effect

us a little.

Yes. So that they won't

kill you. Call me that.
Instantly. You have very brittle bones.
And you're level one. My bones are broken.
Do you have bones?

Yes, actually. Common misconception, but amphibians do, in fact, have skeletons.

Okay.

Is your blood red like ours? Yes.

We are vertebrates. We're just not bambools.
Babbles? What?

Bambles.

That's what I thought.

To my knowledge, everyone I'm looking at is Babelia in nature. Oh, whereas I'm amphibious.

What did you think I said?

I don't know. Luke comes up to you guys just to give you a quick pep talk.
All right, guys. I know that my mom was a little harsh.
She's been drinking already.

And I know that Bo and Yasha can be a little bit aggressive, but I really do believe in you guys. And I know that you guys can do this.
Just give it your all, all right. And,

you know,

side note, Bo really doesn't like insults, so you might be able to distract her with some insults. And Yasha gets distracted by

shiny things or flowers. She keeps a little book on her where she sort of presses flowers

into the pages, and she does little cute little doodles and stuff. It's very cute.
But anyway,

just go up there and knock them dead, all right? Kai, you're up first. Are they still drinking the potion right now? They've just finished drinking it.

All right, we begin. Kai,

I will let you go first. Okay.
This is it. How would you like to snatch this pine cone out of Bo's hand? I have a little whip on me.
Oh, you do? Okay. I do have my little whip.

I would like to pick up a little rock.

And I want to throw it in the air and whip at the rock and see if I can. You're going to throw the rock, whip the rock, and try to forward.

And to hit Bo or to hit the the pine cone the pine cone okay okay this is gonna be a pretty difficult roll um but i if it works it could work really great go ahead and roll a d20 and let's say uh let's do an attack roll so add your whip uh attack modifier to it let's see what if you have a whip um up there

probably be like dex plus your proficiency yeah let's see you're Kai, right? Yeah. I see no whip.
We're just going to say it's plus five. Plus five.
Okay, plus five. Okay.

11. 11 plus 5.
16.

Bo, make a dexterity save, I guess. Dexterity save, not against my AC.

Yeah, because you're just trying to get the thing away. Okay.

Yeah, that's going to miss with a 23 total.

Yes, so the rock, you actually do this really well. You whip the rock, it flies right at the pine cone, and you did it in a moment when Bo wasn't even looking at you, but she doesn't need to.

She just sort of pulls it away by instinct and shakes her finger at you. No, no, no, no, no.
Look at everyone else and I go.

What else?

You're still up there. You can still try again.
Bo, you can also. It's your turn.
If you wanted to move away or do anything to make this harder for him, feel free.

I'm just gonna sit down on the edge of the bridge, kind of dangle my feet. Oh, man.
Oh.

Come on, kid. You're gonna give up that easy.
Come on, come on. Go ahead.
A little insulting.

Okay.

Let's see. What else do I got in my little tools kit? You can also just run and grab it.

Yeah, I'm just gonna straight up charge, and then I'm gonna do a little flip

to try and get behind. Okay.
Okay, so let's see.

Roll an acrobatics check to see how this flip works out for you. That would be dexterity or

acrobatics, right? Yeah.

17. Amazing plus stuff, I assume, right? Yeah.
Acrobatics, is that a plus seven right? Oh my god, yes. This is an amazing flip that you do.
You've landed behind Bo.

It's right in front of you. You can grab it right out of her hand if you'd like.
Yes. Okay.
Love to do that. Let's make this a strength-contested roll to see if you can pull it out of your hand.

Strength! Oh, no! Both of you roll a D20, add your strength, and we'll see what happens. Okay.

What is this?

Is this a 20? Is that a 20? You might do it. That's a wing.

That's a 20. That's a 20.
That's a 20.

Oh, my god!

Plus a one strength. No, no, 20 is all you need.

Beauregard, lionette, you feel the pine cone removed from your hand deftly as if you didn't even know what was happening.

Where'd it go?

Yeah, it's a little see-through, so it's hard to see, but it's right here. Oh, I got it.
That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.
That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

Yeah, that was great. When you apply yourself.
I'm very good at flipping. It's good.

So inside baseball.

That is inside baseball.

Luke cheers. Yeah, that's my boy.
Great to go, Kai. Nicely done, man.
Gives you a high five as you step off.

Good job. All right, one down.
Very good. Who's up next? Produce another pine cone.
Neek gets Jessica.

Pedman, where do you think she's getting those pine cones? You got this, Jessica. You got this.
All right, Jessica. see it if we do.
Let's go, Jessup. There are no clear trees around here.

That's absolutely fascinating, actually.

Jessup, how would you like to do this?

Well, my goal is to attempt, I would like to use infestation

and have a bunch of small birds come and

knock the pine cone out of your hand

to reach and grab. Amazing.
How are you feeling stress-wise right now? But I'm pretty stressed. There's a lot that could go wrong there.
There's a lot of like the birds could,

I have to take into consideration like their acceleration, their okay. I would say, so

Jessip over here has a little bit of a stress

problem.

She gets anxious, and I would say that you are at level one stress now. Does that make sense to you? Okay, so

she's feeling a little bit shaky. She's looking a little bit like a little bit of sweat on her little mustache area.

And so let's see if

your spell could work. Can you roll a D6 first to see how it works?

It's a six. So that works.

The spell works.

With all of your focus,

you cast your spell. How does the spell look coming out of your body? Or where do you cast it from? So lots of small birds come.

I attract all of the birds from around. Can I do that? Sure, you can.

And all these tiny birds come and swarm around you.

And

a couple of them, and a couple of blue birds that like match my ultramarine eyes come and they knock the pine cone out of your hair. Or they tried to knock out.

They tried to knock the pine cone out of yours. Let's do, let's see here.
Let's do another contested strength roll, I guess, birds versus bow. Why not?

Why don't you roll a D20 and both of you roll D20s and we'll see what we get. Dude, it's not good.
14. Better than me.
Okay.

The birds do knock it loose, but you're not there to get it and the birds can't carry it. So it's loose.
It's on the floor. You guys could both run for it

if you'd like to make an attempt for it. I would like to make an attempt for it.
Okay. I'm going to make an attempt for it too.

All right, you're both diving for the pine cone to see who can get there first. Bo's pretty speedy.

You're determined, though. Let's make, how are you going to get there with speed? Are you going to do flips? Are you going to

try to push her out of the way? What are you going to use to sort of beat her there? I don't think my nimble bones can handle flips, and so I think that all I can do is just make a dash for it.

Just a pure speed. Then let's both do athletics check to see if you're who's the faster of the two.
Roll a D20. Step of the wind.
Sure you are. Double line.

Athletics.

It's the second one down, I think.

Third one down. Third one down.
Fourth one down. Fourth one down.
Jesus. A lot of A's.

Athletics is right here. You have a minus one.
Minus one.

So I have a six. Okay.

Twelve.

Okay, yes. And you did step of the wind? All right, so you go, you dive to get that pine cone, and you've got it.
It's in your hand, and it's not. It's gone.

The second you thought you had it, it's as if a blur goes by, and Bo is standing now, we'll say, 30 feet away from you. Somehow, she got that far away from you with the pine cone that fast.

You get one more shot at this. What would you like to try?

Okay, I think I'm going to try. Um,

my

spells I can only use once once every

charm person I can only use once every year. That's true, yes.

But it's worth it to try. I'm going to try it.
I'm going to go for charm person. Okay.
Charm person.

I don't know how spells work.

What does it say?

Is that a charisma save? What is that? I'm looking. Yeah, I think so.

Charm person's right here. Charm person.

I've got it. Wisdom 13 save.
Go ahead, Willie. And you can use your innate sorcery if you want to to bump that up.

But only if you want to. And I only get to do how many times? Twice.
Twice. Twice.

Until you rest. Until I rest.

I think I'm going to do it. I'm going to use my innate sorcery.
Okay, so as a bonus action, you invoke your innate sorcery, which just gives you even more focus. But you are stressed.

Let's see if this spell even works. Roll a D6.

I got a one. Okay.

I'm sorry to say, the spell goes awry. The nerves, the people watching you, the intensity of the moment is just too much to to bear.
Focus, Jessica. Can you roll?

Can you roll a D100? Brennan, helper! Okay, it's these two, right?

Yeah, those two together. Okay.
And the tens is the first digit. So six and...

62.

Okay.

So your spell,

your spell shoots out, and

nothing seems to happen. It seems to dissipate with the wind.

And you just nothing, just nothing happened um until you speak

so nothing happened to my spell but instead this okay yes

oh no

i guess i have to shout when i speak now

uh the spell seems to this spell seems to have dissipated and uh and congealed in a strange way on her throat um and now whenever jessup is speaking for the next minute she is shouting as loud as she can you saw what i meant by focusing you know that right

Unfortunately, it's failed. Um, and that is a failure.
I'm so sorry. Luke, uh, Luke announces, Well, you gave it your best shot.
I'm so sorry, Jesse. I was so set up for success with that last roll.

Why are you yelling at me?

It's okay, calm down.

Calm down.

We don't need to keep escalating this. We don't need to keep yelling.
Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.
Sorry. Hey, you can have my pine cone if you want.

Oh,

that's that's actually really sweet. Thank you so much.

Ouch, my ears.

Bo takes the pine cone, the invisible pine cone, and kind of does a little hacky sack with it. And hacky sacks it directly to Yasha, who's up next.

So the next two of you are going to have to get this pine cone out of Yasha's hand. Probably have an easier time.

I am just beefy. Up next is Skye, Skull Crusher.

Skye, you're up next.

You're going to have to get this pine cone out of Yasha's hand.

Yasha!

Nice! Well!

Let's.

Okay, where's Yasha?

You're both on the bridge. I'm up on the bridge now.

You're both on the bridge.

We're both on the bridge.

We're both on the bridge? We're both on the bridge. You're both on the bridge? Come and get it.

Come and get it. You got a better chance at that.
How long is my strat one minute and battle time is how long?

It'll probably be done by the time the next couple folks are done. Do you like, how long do I have to?

Sorry,

it's Yasha. This is Yasha.
Oh, okay. It's like spinning it like a basketball.

So I'd like to cast a minor illusion to distract our Yasha.

Amazing.

Using your innate barbarian skills

to cast an illusion spell is quite difficult because you,

while you have been studying wizard craft and you have a spell book and you've got all the correct components,

it just doesn't come easy to you. It doesn't come natural to you.
So to see if this spell has a chance of working, please flip a coin.

I've got this very fancy coin. Amazing.
Which side is

you get to choose. Tell me, heads or tails, which one are you looking for? I guess the heads is the guy's head, and the tails is the thing with the tails.
And which one will be the good one for you?

Um, heads is gonna be the good one for me. Go ahead and do it, Sky!

Heads! Oh my gosh, the spell works. So you're spelling your

casting minor illusion, and what are you making appearances? I'd like to make a cute creature appear

next to Yasha. It's gonna be

so, so, so cute, and it makes a little

sound.

And it's got these cute little teeth and whiskers and it looks so soft you I think she's gonna want to touch it amazing I think uh Yasha you're gonna have to roll to see if you believe this illusion or not okay go ahead and and roll a

is it a wisdom check Jesus how does this work I can never do the wisdom it's minus do it yeah I'll do wisdom babe don't don't wisdom save 15

I think that works unfortunately you have a very low spell DC so yes

you are

put the pine cone down. You are able to see that this is an illusion, but it's very cute to you.
It's just you can kind of see through it. This is darling, but I can tell it's not real.

Can I make a run for it? Sure, go ahead.

What are you going to try to do?

As we were walking over here, a camper had just discarded their gum and it's on the bottom of my shoe. I'm going to grab it so that my hand is sticky.
Okay. And I'm going to try to go past her.

That's gross. I like it.

I'm gonna try to stick it onto my hand. Okay, so you're gonna do this just sort of get by her as fast as you can.

Let's see if you can hit it because I think she's gonna try to pull it away from you. Roll an attack, an unarmed strike attack.
So, this is plus four,

d20 plus four, to see if you can strike and get it from Yasha. It's a 22.

Wow,

I mean, you can go ahead to roll to see if you can pull it away from her. Let's try a dexterity save to see if you can pull it away in time

You have to beat a 22

I Do not no, you do not

okay the gum sticks 21. Oh my gosh.
Yeah

For a second both of you are holding the pine cone together and it looks like it's not gonna break free for a second

you

can't help but notice the rippling muscles on this tiny two-foot eight frame.

She's had to leap up up to grab it from you, but for a second, it's like that predator handshake where it's just all muscles.

It's pretty badass.

And then a moment later, rip! It rips out of your hand because something was holding on to it. Something that made her hands stickier than they should have been.
And she rips the pine cone free.

Success!

Sorry! That was good, that was good. Good work.

Amazing. Amazing.
And the strength of this one. We need...

You're studying the wrong thing.

I think you were still a little distracted by the cute creature. You knew it wasn't real, but it was still very cute, right? It was.
It actually was very cute.

Wallet Pack in fact. Wall and Pack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll get into this.

There's one more person left to go. Padman.
It is your turn. Padman.

Padman. We've had a couple successes, we've had one failure, but I think you can do this, Padman.
Do you believe in yourself?

I do.

I do believe in myself.

It's time to go for broke.

Oh, the lied. We've got this.
Where would you like to set

up? Jessup.

I'm not going to move up onto the bridge. I'm going to stay down there for a second, and I'm going to say, it begins.
Jessup, may I see your pine code?

I didn't get the pine cone! No, but did it... I thought, did it where did

you? yeah oh yes he handed me the pine cone here you go you got it okay

by the nine secret algaes of the great pond of shadows by the lily pad of the north wind whose rippling leaf cascades over i'm gonna start to ritual cast identify how long does that take 10 minutes

identify i want to see if the pine cone has any properties that may give some information as to how to best the challenge. I thought you were just going to see how it was made.

That was my big history. I had that as well.

Everyone is calmly waiting. Luke confides in the others that, I mean, technically, there was no time limit that was placed on this.

Next time we do a time limit? I guess next one, we should probably do a time limit. So,

yeah,

nine and a half more minutes go by and you complete the ritual. I call out to all the great withers that have come before me.

And sure enough, instantly you have an innate knowledge of this pine cone. It does come from a very unusual tree that has translucent leaves,

but it is simply a pine cone and nothing more.

And what was the exact wording of the challenge that

I had to just get specifically the pine cone from Yasha's hand? Yes. Very well.
Ha!

We've arrived at a dead end in our research.

Very well.

Very well. If I am to succeed at this challenge, I will have to call on forces far greater still.

I call upon the nine secret algaes of the grain pie. And I'm going to start to ritually cast find familiar,

which will be another topic.

Amazing.

Amazing.

And everyone patiently waits while they're waiting.

Beth,

the camp cleric, is just sort of hanging around, and Luke goes up to her and says,

you're looking very pretty today, Beth. And Beth says, oh,

that's nice, Luke. That's nice.

And you guys are just waiting and waiting and waiting. Nine and a half more minutes go by and the casting is done.

I'm going to look up, because I'm going to look at Kai, who's my artist for my cards. At the last minute I'm casting it, I realize I have no idea what I want my familiar to look like.
Okay.

And I go like, what do people have for familiars like most of the time? Oh, I don't know. I was just busy drawing you in the last 10 minutes.

No!

You're so cute.

I conjure up. I think just a frog.
I think my familiar is just...

I think I'm looking around at all these more humanoid mammals. So I think my frog has a full head of hair and human teeth.

Great. Great.

Great.

All right. So it's just a normal frog, yes? But it's a familiar that can now help me.
Yes, there is a frog.

It appears beside you, just as you've described, and it looks up at you with its big eyes and says, ribbit-ribbit. Do you understand? Do you speak frog? I assume you speak frog?

Well, I speak frog, but also you are speaking combined right now. Oh, no.

It's all right. It's exactly as I anticipated.

Now,

now with you here, what would you like me to do? I want you to buckle up, because we're about to get to work. I call upon the dying secret alges of the great Podge of Shadows.

And I'm going to start to ritually cast Unseen Servant. We're getting even more help.

Amazing. Sure enough, 10 minutes go by.

How long does Find Familiar last?

Oh, Find Familiar. No, now it's just there.
I don't even have a Familiar. It's just there forever? Instantaneous.
I just have a I have a little frog with hair and big white game show host teeth.

Now you also have an invisible servant with you. Been casting spells for a half hour.
I have an unseen servant over here.

I'm going to look at the unseen servant and go, if that little Piedcoat pops up in the air, you know exactly what you have to do. You there.
Yeah. Wait, do you?

What's a good name for familiar?

Well, you'd have to consider all the options. You'd have to consider their personality and their physical appearance.

I do have a name. What's your name? Yeah, yeah.
My name's Archibald.

Archibald, fantastic. All right, Archibald, look alive.
You help me figure this out.

All right, and I'm going to walk up. I'm not technically alive.

I know, I created you. You're not even real.
Wow.

You're my best friend. It's the first day of my life.
It's the first day of your life. There couldn't be a crazier one.
Wow.

And I'm going to walk up on the bridge with my new familiar unseen servant, and I'm going to approach Yasha.

hello

have the and i'm going to cast gust

and gust you cast um a gust of wind uh emanates from you do you have a spell focus or do you just use your hands to cast your spell focus i think i do have a spell focus i think that i touch a small enamel pin And I think it's a pin of the wildlings, of the Wild Mountain Wildlings.

I think it's a camp pin. Because deep down this camp matters more to me than anything.
Oh, no.

And sure enough, an arcane blast of wind emanates from this pin towards Yasha. What are you attempting to do with this gust of wind? This won't work.
And so

it's a strength saving throw.

It's a strength saving throw

to, or you're pushed five feet away. There is no...
I think Padman has one attack spell, and it's a completely non-harmful gust of wind.

And it will just, if it works, which it won't, it will push Yasha five feet back.

What do I need to roll? A straight saving throw. Are you raging, Yasha, or are you just regular?

Oh my god, yes, I'm raging. All right.

So roll with advantage. Yes, I will.

It's cocked. Sorry.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I'm using the. Okay, I'm not going to use this dice actually because that'll take too long.
Okay. These dice.
Okay.

Okay.

That is 14.

14. Yeah, that succeeds.

My arcade blast was ineffective.

It just feels like in my face, he just went,

very well.

When magic fails, let bite avail. And then they'll walk up and say, you want an arm wrestle for it? Yeah.
All right, great.

I have poisoned skin. Oh!

So I'm going to get a constitution saving throw.

It's DC12 or you're poisoned. Oh my god.

Oh no!

Wait, wait, what did you say, Constitution?

I rolled a six. Do you get any bonuses because you're raging to Constitution or is it just strength, right? Strength.
Just strength, right? Yeah. Okay, so she takes poison damage, is that right?

No, you have the poisoned condition. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, if strength takes the saving throws, bonus is strength, bonuses, no. Six.
Poisoned condition, which means

with the poisoned condition, I have poisonous, froggy skin. You are poisoned for one minute.
So it's the poisoned condition.

Which means you now have disadvantage on almost like all ability checks. Amazing.

Amazing. Okay.

That pine cone is just sitting there on the floor between you.

Great.

As you are poisoned, I want to make an opposed athletics to do the arm wrestling. I want advantage from Archibald, but I want that unseen servant now that the pine cone is unguarded to go for the...

my unseen servant's gonna grab the pine cone

while you arm wrestle.

While I arm wrestle, Archibald's gonna help me. Okay, great.
So I guess roll to see who wins this arm wrestling match. Oh, yeah.

You get advantage, but you get disadvantage, so it's a straight roll, I believe. Straight roll.
Right?

Okay.

And you get advantage from the help of your Archibald friend who is crawling up on your hand and helping push. That is an 18

and a 19, 19

plus

19 plus 5 strength is

and you're a two foot eight frog.

And you feel that I have a strength score of 21. Okay, and

I did a

what did I do? 14.

17. 17.

So with a 24, I go, there is a secret badger.

Cleverness and intellect avail. You shall always.

What's happening? A wizard's secrets are his greatest strength.

Invisible boy, get it!

And sure enough, the pine cone lifts away and starts to get away. Yasha, are you going to try to grab it or anything, or is it a lost cause? I'm going to try to grab it.
I have to give it one more go.

You're locked in this armrest.

So you can't really move that much. No.

You could try to break this. I'll call this a grapple.
You could try to break the grapple and reach at it with your other hand. Yeah, I'll I'll try that.

Okay, and I'm rolling this with advantage from the field. Of course, you are.

And I'm just rolling a one.

One, just one die. I'm doing strength.
A strength.

Yes.

11 at 16.

This A is. Oh, this is a 20.

Okay. So you do break the grapple.
You can try to. But it's getting away from you.

You're going to have to make a leap to try to get it because the pine cone has now flown over the side of the bridge and is fleeing away. You're getting a little bit of a trend.

Yeah, I just try to put a toe out to try to

stop it.

Let's leap.

Make an acrobatics check to see if you can beat the unseen servant's acrobatics. Acrobatics will be disadvantaged.
Okay.

You said acrobatics. That's right.
That was a disadvantage.

Disadvantage, yeah.

Okay, a roll both the same. 16.
Okay. Whoa.

I don't know what the unseen servant's stats are.

So this is a straight roll. He got an 18.

Yes.

So as you leap, you're pretty confident that you're going to grab this pine cone. The unseen servant does a pirouette,

which you don't see because he's invisible. And the pine cone gets away from you and flips off into the wilderness.
Gone. Success.
Wow. Guys, you did it.
That was amazing.

Luke comes over to congratulate you. What just happened? It's crazy that you failed in the first place.
Good job. Thank you very much.
With preparation, a wizard is unbeatable.

That was a lot of preparation. That's very true.
Yeah. If you give me a half half hour, there's nothing I can't do.

You must teach us something that's not speaking about that. Yeah, we'll work on speaking that up.
But, you know,

I'm proud of you all. Drew's picture of you and Archibald.

Oh, I like it. It's so wonderful.

You got his human teeth perfect.

I spent a lot of time looking at him, so. It's hard not to look at him.
He's kind of upsetting.

As that test of skill comes to a close, Yash and Bo, three of the four of them, actually succeeded, which is pretty impressive.

Who was the failure?

It was me. Oh, no.
Hey, Luke comes up to you to console you.

I'm so sorry you failed, but that was incredible, you guys. That was amazing.
I've never seen you do anything like that all summer.

What got into you?

Well, I did badly, so I

don't know what to do. I don't think you did.
You didn't do badly, okay?

It's just

some of your weaknesses, you just gotta focus them, okay? Yeah, you know? Yeah.

You just gotta breathe. It's clear you got, like, some good potential in there, you know? The asthma stops me from breathing super well, but yeah, understanding.

Okay, well, with that stuff,

I have a couple of theories. Yeah, why don't we? We've never we've never been uh we've never been teamed up like this before.

I think maybe we uh we worked well together. I do too.
I I think I as we have learned learned that working as a team sometimes is the best way to work.

Maybe you could be your own adventuring party, you know?

Well, let's not get us ahead of ourselves.

No, no, no, no. I'm just trying to give some excitement of the future.
There's several more ranks to get through. Yes, that's true.

As you all know,

the ranks of

the wilding ranks are Dainty Feet, Three Below,

Greenhorn, Just Shies, and wildlings. So they have a long way to go before they're ready to be real.
We're not at the bare feet yet, or what is the first one? Dainty feet. Dainty feet, I'm sorry.

They're dainty feet. You're dainty feet right now.

But that was incredible.

There are more tests of strength and speed, though, that we're going to have to get through.

Yasha, you had a test.

You know, you've worked so well as a team. This next one, I think you're going to work together as a team again.
Does anyone want like a juice box? Yes. Or a pudding cup.
A pillow. I'm a darling.

I would like a juice box. Okay,

pass out.

You all did good. You did good.
Oh, thank you.

One for each of you. Bo, Pasigo, juice box.

Keep this in the mind.

That's good.

Very good.

That's a juice box. I've got the pudding cups too

if anyone's feeling a little peckish.

I had to spend a half hour casting my spells, so I need to submerge myself in water. I have to do it pretty much every few hours.
Oh, okay. How long do you need

to submerge? Well, submerging is only a few minutes, but then, you know, I probably should,

you know, clean off because the pond water gets on you. Salmon Lake is not that.
Salmon Lake looks pretty bad. Yeah.

So I'll clean off after that. And then normally I like to take a little quick nap.

I think we're going into the next activity right away.

Is this going to take a while or do we? I have a note from my mom that I have to be allowed to do this. Yeah, you've shown us those notes before.
They really carry no weight here.

I'm sorry, buddy. Outrageous.
I tried to forge those notes for you. It just didn't work.

Fine, okay.

Power through Patrick.

Hey!

I like you.

That's a wrap for part one of this podcast episode. Part two is heading your way this upcoming Tuesday at 5 a.m.
Pacific, and we'll pick up this adventure right where we left off.

Until next time, we'll be back at Camp Wild Mount before you know it.

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