How I Found Self-Worth After Losing Everything | Bryan Calcott DSH #1310

I get the attention from women and do all these things. I'll finally be able to respect myself.
And when you set those goals and you accomplish them and nothing changes on the inside, it just makes you fucking lose it. So I look at Wes Watson and even though I don't agree with what he's doing, I have a lot of compassion for him because I see a person who fucking hates themselves and doesn't know what to do about it.
All right, guys, we got Brian here today. What a story.
We're about to hear. Thanks for coming on, man.
Yeah, of course. Thanks for having me.
Yeah, you've been through some stuff. Yeah, you know, just a little.
Top 10 most wanted list in California. Mm-hmm.
2012 to 2015. Yeah, some reputable names on that list.
The three guys who escaped from Alcatraz in the 1960s. And then there were six murderers on the list and me and the U.S.
Marshal who was after me created that list just because he wanted me so badly. So he created that list so he could have more agents and more money to find me.
And I had numerous friends. They told

me after I was caught, but I also had a few guys that were over there working for me. And they told

me about seeing my face on billboards all over the Bay area, but it actually made the local news too.

And a lot of people called up and were questioning me being on the list because it was only for 109

pounds of weed, which in Northern California was an absolute, I mean, it still is, but that's an absolute joke with the amount of trafficking and the amount of weed that was produced in Northern California. 109 pounds of weed was absolutely.
Why do you think the marshal had it out for you? So he would go talk to my family and he would say, it's like I'm chasing a ghost. So I think it was just an ego trip on his part because he was very, very relentless and he would not give up.
He would tell my mother that he was going to kill me in the field. He would say, oh, you know, things happen, you know, fingers slip.
He's like, and my mom told me that he would say in a very sick and demented way, like, you know, I'd really hate for your son to end up dead. But if you tell me where he's at, I can make sure that he's okay.
And my mother is the sweetest woman you'll ever meet. She did not know where I was at.
And I just don't understand how supposedly in the pursuit of justice that you, especially for weed too. I wasn't a murderer.
I've never violated anybody's autonomy. Okay, fine.
I broke the law, even though it's marijuana. I don't agree with the law, but okay, fine.
I broke the law, but just the level, the level that he went to from telling my mother that he was going to kill me in the field to telling my sister, who also did not know where I was at, that she was going to be arrested and her kids were going to be taken into state custody. Yeah.
And then my brother-in-law, he's a hardworking Irish immigrant. And he was going through his immigration paperwork at the time.
And they cornered him to the point where he thought he was being detained. I mean, he thought he was being arrested too.
And they once again were trying to harass him and none of them knew where I was at. I knew that if I was gonna be on the run that I couldn't have any contact with them.
And so I did for three years completely and totally cut off contact. And the other thing too is I just, I didn't want to involve want, I didn't want them to be in the position where they knew where I was at and they would be faced with those kinds of threats and they would have to, you know what I mean? Like, I just didn't want to put them in a position where they would, cause I, if they would have, if they would have known where I was at and they would have told them, couldn't be mad at them for that.
But I mean, like she has, my sister has a family and my brother-in-law has a business. So I didn't want to put them in that position.
So they absolutely did not know where I was at. And they were still harassed.
And a lot of people, when I say that, they say, oh, well, you should have turned yourself in if you knew that they were going through that. And I can somewhat agree with that, but that still doesn't negate the fact that you cannot break the law to uphold the law.
And there were three innocent people who were harassed in a manner that was absolutely illegal. And that's just is not what the American criminal justice system is built on.
It is built on the principle that you cannot break the law to uphold the law. And as soon as you try to justify that, it's a slippery slope and you just fall into vigilance, you know, things like that.
So that's the part where I can agree with, you know, what police officers are doing, but I just can't agree with feeling that you can break the law to uphold the law. I agree with that.
How hard was that mentally not talking with your family for three years? So the last thing I ever said to my father was you're dead to me. Two months later, he was dead.
My mother had Parkinson's. And so my biggest fear was that she was going to die when I was on the run.
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I knew I was hot. I already had another identity.
I easily could have, you know, slipped off again. But in the back of my mind, I was just done because I wanted to see my mom and I didn't want, I just don't know how I could have lived with that if she would have passed away while I was on the run.
That was my biggest fear. Oh, so you think you could have kept being on the run? Oh, absolutely.
I knew they were onto me. Yeah.
They completely and totally blew their cover. How'd you know? So I was actually coming back from Northern California, rolled into Vegas and I had a house in Colorado and I had just flipped the lights and built a really, really big grow room out there.
And I was doing that because I was on the run. I wasn't scared to go back to prison.
I mean, the first time I went to prison when I was 22 years old, got sentenced to 90 months and it just does something to you to where you just become numb to the whole experience. So I wasn't scared of going back.
I was scared of losing the money and I was in the money was just so tied to my identity. And that's the reason why I was okay with selling drugs in the first place is that it wasn't about the money.
It was about, you know, wanting to feel good about yourself, wanting to respect yourself. And so I, you know, believed a lie that money was going to somehow give that to me and it just didn't.
And that's why you kind of get lost because it doesn't matter how much money you make. It's absolutely never enough.
So it was difficult being difficult, um, being on the run, but yeah, so I was in Vegas and I had a friend staying at the house and these two sheriffs showed up and they knocked on the door. And before I left, I told him, cause there was big like bars on the door.
It was out in Colorado, out in the country. So it's kind of like security gates on the doors.
And I told him, I said, if the cops ever show up, I don't care what they tell you, you do not open this door, make them break it down. And so he listened, these two sheriffs showed up and he listened.
And I remember he told me that the one sheriff walked away and got on the phone and made a call to someone and said, yeah, it's not him. And then, you know, the guy on the other end of the phone was asking a few questions.
He said, yeah, it's a really big, nice house and all these things. And I remember when my friend was telling me that I just had this nervous pit in my then you know the guy on the other other end of the phone was asking a few questions yeah it's a really big nice house and all these things and i remember when my friend was telling me that i just had this nervous pit in my stomach and i knew that he was talking to the marshal because i knew about the marshal who was after me and so i never went back to that house after that and i already had another identity lined up because i just assumed the identity that i was was using at the time had been blown and I easily could have, you know, left there.
Never, never had any ties with that additional life that I had created. Wow.
But I was just, I was just done. That's impressed to me because in the day of social media, like it must be way harder to like be on the run, you know? Well, I mean, you can't have social media.
That was the first thing. I mean, I never, never went on Facebook, never had an Instagram.
You can't have any ties with anybody that you know from a past life. And that's actually what got me caught is that there was two friends that I didn't completely cut off and they knew about me.
So when they got put in the mix themselves for an unrelated case, you know, the joke is they had to slap them once to get them to talk. They had to slap him twice to get him to shut up.
And so that's the other thing too, is that you can be on the run. You can do all of these things and your whole little system to avoid detection can work, but it can't protect you from just happenstance.
And that's ultimately how I got caught. It was a coincidence of that Marshall being in federal court on an unrelated case

and hearing an associate of mine,

hearing his name called out.

And he instantly heard and said,

that's an associate of Calcott's.

And so he went up there and got a copy of the indictment.

And there was one place in the indictment

where a Brian was mentioned.

And he said, I know that's Calcott.

So he immediately got on a plane and flew to New York and interviewed and interviewed both of my friends. And as soon as they said, we know, you know, we know, you know where Calcutt's at.
Boom. They both talked.
They folded. Yeah.
And it's crazy because the prosecutor, that was the last piece of discovery I got. Ever thought about how much EMF and radiation your body is exposed to every single day from smartphones smartphones to Wi-Fi, modern technology never stops emitting invisible stressors that could disrupt brain function, hormone balance, and cellular health.
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Click the link below to learn more. My case, it was laid out exactly how it happened with both of their names on the paperwork.
Wow. Yeah.
Did that break your heart? Because those were two of your childhood friends? No, they weren't childhood friends. just people that people that I associated with um the one guy you knew he was just weak um he had already gotten caught up in the shrimp boy chow case and he immediately started snitching the other guy I had paid for his attorney and bailed him out and he was facing six months in the feds so there was absolutely no excuse you didn't mean for him to do that especially because I showed him a lot of love, showed him a lot of respect.
And the first podcast I went on, I actually mentioned that story and he heard about that and he went back on that podcast and absolutely told lies like you cannot believe. And it's crazy.
He made the statement, if anybody can prove that I'm a snitch, I'll pay him a hundred thousand dollars. And so I actually reached out to the host of that show and said, Hey, I have the paperwork.
I will gladly go back on there and prove that he's a snitch. And I said, I don't even want the a hundred thousand dollars.
I want to donate it to a prison charity. Wow.
So he had to come up with the honor. No, he didn't.
The host ghosted me. Damn.
That sucks. Which yeah, that's, you know, that's a whole different story.
But yeah, I literally have the paperwork where I could have proved it.

You absolutely snitched on me.

You probably got offered some deals, I'd imagine,

to snitch on people when you got caught.

You know what?

I think they knew that I wouldn't.

Because when I was 22, I wouldn't rat.

And I was facing serious.

They told me I was facing serious time.

It's because my girlfriend's family

was connected to Mexico.

Things like that.

I got caught with a key when I was 22 years old.

And my attorney told me that I was going to do 15 years in prison unless I rat it. And I looked at her and said, so be it.
And I'll never forget it. Her mouth just dropped wide open.
I feel like I was the only person to ever tell her no. So they put those kinds of things in your file.
So I'm pretty sure that they probably looked at my file and just knew that I'm not the type of person to cooperate. The U.S.
Marshal, when he called me in Colorado, they let him come over and put the handcuffs on me.

And he came over and said, hey, you know, after this, I'm bringing you over there. I'm asking you a few questions.
And I turned around and looked at him. I said, you must not have read my file, man.
I said, I'm not going to answer one fucking question. I love that.
Yeah, I just got all pissed off and walked away. And after that, but what was really crazy is the first attorney that my associates hired for me, he came in and I knew how I'd gotten the attorney.
And so I didn't think that he would in any way, shape or form ask me if I wanted to cooperate. And he didn't ask me straight up if I wanted to cooperate.
He just kind of looked at me and said, hey, you want to talk want to talk to the prosecutor? You know, it's just like, or he said, like, you want to have a conversation. It was just a real like roundabout way.
And I was confused. And I was just like, why would I want to talk to her? Like, I was literally dumbfounded.
And he goes, you know, to save yourself. And I looked at him.
I said, what? I said, dude, get the fuck out of here. And I immediately went and got on the phone and got word and said, hey, that dude just asked me if I wanted to fucking cooperate.
I said, tell that motherfucker he's fired. And I got a new attorney right away.
Yeah. Because I was just so and come to find out.
So my friend who got involved in a shrimp boy chow case, he had a badass fucking attorney in New York. And we knew that I was eventually going to go down.
I actually wanted to turn myself in. And so he was supposed to represent me.
So I got caught. Word was sent to him, you know what I mean, that I was in Bergen County, New Jersey, and we thought that he was going to show up.
And lo and behold, when he didn't show up, we were really, really confused. And we didn't understand it until the paperwork came out that my friend had snitched on me.
So because my friend had snitched on me, now our cases were tied together. And so it would have been a conflict of interest for him to show up and represent me when he knew that his client, that he was currently representing, a client that I literally paid the money so that he had an attorney was ultimately snitching on me.
So we were really, really confused until we got that paperwork and said, all right, it makes sense. Yeah, I know you're strict on the no snitching.
I read your medium article about it. Yeah.
I said when I was 22 years old, I was facing 15 years in prison and I didn't snitch because I was a coward. And the whole concept was that I would, you know, I was scared of who I would have to face in the mirror.
And the individual that I got the key from, he was already going to prison for six and a half years. And so the way the feds work is that if it's your second conviction, any, any mandatory minimum is doubled.
So if it's a five year mandatory minimum, it's a 10 year mandatory minimum. If it's 10, it's 20.
And so it was a key of Coke. He would have gotten a 10 year mandatory minimum and they would have stacked it because it was something that he did while he was out on bail.
He would have gotten 10 on top of six and a half. So he was already doing six and a half or something I was unrelated to, but he would have gotten 10 stacked right on top of that.

And I just, I don't, I do not understand how you could do that and then look in the mirror. I mean,

it sucks. I was 22 years old.
I had to do extra time in prison, but once you get out of prison,

that burden is gone. If you've cooperated, that burden's with you for the rest of your life.

I don't know how you would ever get rid of that burden. And so to me, it's sad to see that people just don't care.
And I get it that, you know, you're not in the criminal world. You've never been around that.
But, you know, you take somebody like Sammy the Bull. And Sammy the Bull was involved in 19 murders.
He tries to say that he cooperated on Gotti because Gotti was talking badly about him and was about to cook him. And you say, okay, well, maybe I could accept that.
But then he cooperated on all these other people that had nothing to do with him. So you can't, you know, there's no justification with it at all.
But then he goes to Arizona, doesn't even appreciate the second chance that he got, becomes involved in that large scale ecstasy ring. And then, you know what I mean, has to do some time, but now he's out and just getting all of this attention, getting a scripted series.
And to me, that just sends the wrong message. It just, it tells, you know, young people that look, it doesn't matter if you have honor.
It doesn't matter if you have integrity. It doesn't matter if you live by a code or live by principles.
The only thing that matters are if you're getting likes and you're getting attention. And so you saw, I remember I was watching this one post and he was just, you know, there at this party.
First of all, he looks like a creepy old man, you know what I mean? By all these young girls and he's sitting there dancing and people are cheering for him. And it's just like, here's a person that was involved in 19 murders has showed absolutely no fucking remorse whatsoever.
And you, nobody cares. And it's just like, I'm not trying to hate, hate on him individually, but you just have to ask the question, what kind of message does that send to young people? The things that have literally guided humanity, the things that have allowed societies and civilizations to be cohesive, honor, integrity, respect, truthfulness, things of that nature.
Now we're living in a world where those things don't matter. The only thing that matters is if you can garnish attention and views.
100%. We're looking at digital age now.
If you don't pull views, people will just forget about you. I know.
I know. Like you're nothing.
It doesn't matter how loyal you were, who you sided with. I know.
And that to me is just, yeah, I just, I don't want to have anything to do with that. So that's why like I'm working with Red Shea.
I mean, Red was connected to Whitey Bulger. We're helping him out with his YouTube channel and his podcast.
And Red was in his 20s. They told him he was going was going to do 20 to life.
And he said, go fuck yourself. I mean, it's just, and when you're around someone like Red, there's just something about him that's just so admirable and so just respectable.
And then like Roger Reeves, you know, you had Roger Reeves. Yeah, legend.
Roger Reeves, they told him he was going to do life in prison. And he told Barry Seals, I'm not snitching.
And he went on the fucking run. You know what I mean? Went to Australia and got involved with Australia's largest drug bust ever.
Done a total of 33 years in prison and never cooperated. So I look at both of them as men that deserve respect.
And those are the kind of people that can teach me something about being a man. Even if they are criminals, I get that.
But they can still teach me about how to be a man and how to live with honor and integrity. You look at someone like Sammy the bull, the hell is he going to teach me? The only thing that matters is worry about yourself, be a selfish prick, fuck your friends, fuck everybody else, save yourself.
That's just, I don't want to learn those lessons at all. Yeah.
A lot of those mob guys end up snitching. It's crazy.
I know they do. Yeah.
And the thing of it is, is that we can criticize them all we want, but the reality is, is that people are giving them attention. People are still consuming their content.
And it's like, it's like, you look at someone like Michael, Michael French chase, he fucking cooperated. And now supposedly he's a Christian and, but he still acts like a wise guy.
And it's just, who are you?

Are you a born again Christian?

Because if you're a born again Christian, you would completely and totally reject wanting

to portray yourself as a gangster.

And then the word on the street that I have is that he was never involved in any murders,

but yet there's an interview with him where he asked, you know, they asked him, like,

you've ever been involved with any murders?

And he answers it in a way where he wants, you know, they asked him, like, you've ever been involved with any murders?

And he answers it in a way where he wants people to think that he was involved in murders.

But he can't talk about it. And it's just like, it's one thing if you were involved in murders and you were telling honestly, hey, I don't have immunity.
I can't talk about it. But it's another thing if you weren't involved in murders and yet you just can't say that and you're so just hungry for attention that you're going to answer the question to give people the impression that you were involved with murders and the other thing about him too that i know to be just a outright fucking lie is that he gets a lot of credit for the tax the gas tax scheme in new york well the real mastermind behind that was the leader of the russian mafia marat balagua i I was incarcerated with Murat Balagua and FCI Bastrop.
He was a fucking savage, an absolute savage. This was FCI Bastrop in Texas.
It wasn't a USP, but it still was a federal prison in Texas. There were legitimate cartel people there.
There were all sorts of prison gangs, even though it was definitely a safer prison. I mean, I still almost saw a guard get killed to people sliced up, have their hands bashing with locks.
So it was still fucking prison. And Murat ran by himself and every last motherfucker in there respected him.
No way. Yeah.
And he told me about the gas tax scheme and he told me about the mafia approaching him. And Murat was the type of guy that he would never, ever negotiate from a position of weakness.
And he was such a savage where if you did come to him, like Michael Frances tries to say that he did, and you did try to threaten him with violence and say, look, you best work with us because if not, we're going to just make it not worth your time. Murat would look at you in the eye and say, if you want this to be a competition about who's more of a savage and who's more fucking psycho game on, I know, I knew Marat personally, Marat would never allow himself to negotiate from that kind of position.
And he told us, you know, to be more about it, where he looked at it and said, you know what, this is advantageous to do business with him. And that's why he decided to do business with him.
Had nothing to do with the threat of violence. So I know that firsthand, straight out of the horse's mouth, hearing it directly from Murat Balagua.
So Michael Franchese knows that Murat's dead, so he can sit there and bump his guns, you know what I mean, and say whatever he wants about, oh, and then you listen to him talk to him. He's like, yeah, you know, so I talked to Marat and I just, it's just, he died in prison.
No, Marat got out. Oh, he got out.
Yeah. So Marat's dude, Marat was fucking crazy.
They got him 11 years. They were trying to get him a life sentence because there was something like $87 million.
And they got him initially for like a four year sentence. Then they got him for a two year sentence and they got him for like a six year sentence.
And they kept on waiting for his sentences to expire. Then they'd hit him up with additional charges.
And it was bullshit small charges, but they could, they couldn't get him on the big charges. So he was that much of just a cold hearted savage.
And if you look at the complexity of the scheme, only someone like Marat could have come up with it because Marat had a, I think he, he, he didn't complete his dissertation, but he did all of the coursework for a PhD in economics. Jeez.
You understand? So it's just, who do you really think came up with this gas tax scheme? Somebody like Michael Franchise or somebody who pretty much had a PhD in economics. Damn.
And you had a servant with time with him, you said? Yeah. He was an FCI Bastrop.
Wow. Yep.
He was an FCI Bastrop. I had a friend that went and saw him when he got out.
And Murat told him, you'd meet me at this coffee shop. So he goes to the coffee shop and these two goons in suits get out, check them for wires and everything.
And then after they said the coast was clear, then all of a sudden here came this town car. Murat got out.
So even years later, after doing 11 years in prison, Murat. Murat was the real deal.
A lot of these guys, I mean, don't get me wrong. Send me the bull was obviously the real deal.
He, you know, committed 19 murders as involved as one of the most notorious mafia cases ever. But when it came down to it, I mean, he acted like a bitch and he snitched.
Marat is the type of person that, you know what I mean? They write books about, you know, same thing with Red, same thing with Roger, Just that kind of just unbreakable fucking spirit. I don't give a fuck what I'm facing.
I'm not going to cooperate. I'm not going to let you take my pride.
They got to make a film about that guy. If people knew the truth about Murad, people would be fascinated with him.
100%. He didn't care for the attention.
Not at all. He wanted to make money.
You look at somebody like Gotti, Gotti pretty much brought down the mafia because he stepped into the spotlight a lot of the guys behind the scenes fucking hated Gotti because they wanted to make money they weren't but you know Gotti was just an egotistical fucking maniac and that's really like when you see the guys that try to say they're in the game right now try to say they did all these things you know rapping about it it's like, if you've been in the game and you've been around real motherfuckers, the dudes that are running their mouth, they're completely and totally fake. Yeah, you're not going to rap about it, right? Fuck no, you're not going to rap about it, especially within like the statute of limitations.
Don't get me wrong. Some of them are fucking stupid, but you know, the street level guys are stupid.
You don't get to a certain level where you're trafficking millions and millions of dollars by being fucking stupid. And you certainly don't get there by running your fucking mouth.
Absolutely. Did you have any run into it, the Jersey or New York mob when you were dealing? No, I mean, so my friends who got me caught up with the Shrimp Boy Chow case, he was friends with a very, very famous mafia guy's son.
And any time we'd be at the strip club or be at anywhere, he would show up, I would immediately leave. And it wasn't that I had anything against him.
He was actually a really nice guy, but I knew that just because of who his father was, that they would be tailing him. And sure enough, there was one time when I was over there and he got busted on a bullshit weed case, complete and total bullshit weed case, but they did it just because who his father was.
So anytime I came around people like that, I wouldn't do business with them. I also didn't need to.
I had a great network set up and the whole thing about, oh, we're gonna tax you. First of all, they have to know.
And second of all, it's, you know what I mean? I've played chess with serious people before and I knew what I was doing. And it's kind of, I don't know if you remember the scene from The Town with Ben Affleck.
I didn't watch that one. You didn't watch it.
So this Irish mob guy is trying to put pressure on him and he comes in and Ben Affleck looks at him and says, let me ask you something. You think you're the only motherfucker with a gun? You understand? And the guy kind of looked at him and said, and that's, I was never violent.
I was never in that kind of position where I looked at someone and said, hey, you think you're the only motherfucker with a gun? But I just basically let people know that it's a game of chess. And if you want to play chess, you know what I mean? There are ways to play this other than violence, other than making threats like that.
So dealing with situations like that, you just have to not be a target where it's worth their while. Right.
You just have to understand that. Okay.
If you want to go this route, it's not ultimately gonna, you know what I mean? Cost you. That makes sense.
Yeah. Did people try to try you in prison when you were 22? Nah.
You were super young, right? So I was super young. So when I got there, um, FCI Bastrop, the Mexicans ran the prison.
They were the biggest group. After that, it was the blacks.
And then the whites weren't really that big of a group. And when I got there, I got there at night.
Um, and as soon as I woke up, I went and found my ex-girlfriend's father. He was actually there.
Yeah. And he was a cartel guy.
He ran with the Paisas. People knew who he was.
So I think that, I think that the white people really didn't, I mean, I also kind of look kind of dark. So I don't think they really knew what to make of me.
And then they see me walk in the yard with someone like that. Um, and then I hung out with the Mexicans from San Antonio a lot.
And so how things worked there is you had prison gangs, but then you also had tangos. And here's the deal.
Every prison is different. So in some prisons, people run tango and tango is all one group.
What's a tango? A tango, it's not a gang. It's essentially a group where you vote.
It's kind of like a democracy. You vote for someone who speaks for you and no one can tell you what to do.
In a gang, there's a leader, there's a hierarchy they can give you, they can give you orders. And so tangos were created to sort of counter the influence that gangs had.
So as far as the prison officials are concerned, it's a gang. But if you understand that social structure, it's similar to a gang, but it's definitely not a gang.
You're not taking orders from someone. No, you're not.
Like we as a group would vote who spoke for us. Got it.
But if there was something where, you know what I mean? If someone from a gang was going to fuck with one of your members, it was known that, Hey, we, you know, they're going to fight as a group is what it comes down to. So I was there for about two months.
I ran by myself. I was hanging out with all the Mexicans from San Antonio.
Cause that's where I was living at the time, you know, knew a lot of people there. And I had an issue with a black guy who was trying to move into my cell and he came in and you know what I mean? Tried to, he tried to see if I would fight.
And I told him, you know what I mean? If it's laid down or get down, I'm going to get down. His name was Juke.
And we were actually friends afterwards. Never had a problem with Juke.
Yeah. After that, the dude who spoke for San Anto, Juan Neo, he opened the door and he looked at me and he's like, yo, homeboy, he's like, why don't you just run with us? And I said, can I? You know what I mean? Like I'm white.
And he goes, man, don't even worry about it. He shut the door.
And then he went over to the other door where Juke was at and he opened up the door and he said, Hey, he runs with us now and just walked away. And after that, never heard another fucking thing about it.
And so after that, like Mexicans from San Antonio moved into my room and that's who I ran with. So when you run with a group like that, I mean, we were the biggest group on the compound.
And then the other thing too is, you know, gangs will try to get into things where they're running the drug trade. I mean, there was almost a riot right at the end of my sentence between our group and the Mexican mafia, because they were trying to tax a big gambling book.
So tangos don't really get involved in those kinds of politics. The gangs are more, are more than ones that are trying to say, you know, we run the compound.
We want to make money off of drugs or gambling when you're inside prison. But once again, I will say this, I'm speaking about my, my experience and FCI Bastrop from 2002 to 2007, because anytime you start talking about prison and politics, everybody will get on in the comments and say, oh, that's not how it is.
And it's just, look, every prison is fucking different. Fed to state is different.
And then not only that though, but this is, you know, 2002 to 2007. So this is almost 20 years ago.
Right, a lot's far. Yeah, a lot has changed.
The other thing too is it's different. In Texas, it was, you're close to the border.
It's predominantly Mexicans. And you're in there with white collar crime guys.
And you're in there with big, big money drug dealers, completely and totally different game than going to New Jersey, where it's street level drug dealers and fucking drug addicts. It completely.
You must've been let down when you were there. Well, I mean, it was definitely let down, but in the same token, um, when they know you've been to the feds, you know, cause you know, people will come up and they look at me and I just look at him and be like, man, I did five and a half when I was 22, like miss me with this bullshit.
And they instantly kind of know like, all right, this dude's not the one, like he's been down. He's not a fucking idiot.
And then the other thing too, is like my case, cause it was a private jet. It was a whole bunch of weed.
People didn't necessarily look up to me, but in the same token, there was a lot of people that was kissing my ass, hoping that when, you know, we were released that I could send them weed from California. And it's funny because you can always tell people's intentions.
I'm not going to sit there and tell them like, dude, I'm done. There's no way in hell, you know what I mean? You're going to get fucking weed from me when we get out.
But if they want to, you know, be nice to me, because they think that's going to happen when I get out, it wasn't going to sit there. Use it to your advantage.
Yeah, of course. Absolutely.
You got to use every advantage when you're in there. What made you want to finally stop though? Realizing the reasons why I did it in the first place and what I was running from.
When I was 10 years old, we moved from West Texas to New Jersey. And when we were in West Texas, my father was a pastor.
I wanted to be a cowboy more than anything. I had an identity and I had a place in the community.
And we went to New Jersey and it was the first time in my life I felt inferior. And it was, you know, the kids weren't anything better than me.
They had no, they had nothing on me, but my family didn't have money. And it was the first time in my life that I felt inferior.
And it was all because we didn't have money. And the first place we moved was Wachung right down the street.
Hell yeah, it was. I mean, coming from West Texas and going to that fucking town and then lived in Bedminster and Bedminster didn't have a lot of rich kids.
I mean, there were some rich kids there, but we went to high school in Bernardsville and Bernardsville was fucking estates. I mean, Bernardsville is unbelievably wealthy.
And I felt inferior because of money. So I realized that I was willing to risk my freedom.
I was willing to risk my integrity. I was willing to risk everything because I was trying to deal with my own insecurities.
And that second time that I was in prison, I went through, I don't know if you've read about it, but it's really interesting, called the dark night of the soul. And you go through a dark night of the soul and you experience what they call total annihilation, rock bottom.
Oh, like an ego death? Yeah, 100% is. And you realize all of the lies you've told yourself.
You're completely and totally stripped of all of your Band-Aids. And the only thing you're left with is your choice.
And so I had a huge paradigm shift where I realized that I was doing all of these things to find reasons to love myself and reasons to respect myself. And what you learn is that those things never really give you a true appreciation for yourself.
And that what you have to do is you have to first choose to respect yourself and first choose to love yourself. And even when there might not be any reason, any justification, you still have that power.
And so when you make that choice first,

you're choosing to truly take control of your life.

You're choosing to stop being in creation and start being a creator.

And the identity that you create

from that pivotal moment, that is a real identity.

And so when you love yourself and you respect yourself,

you realize that all the things that you were chasing when you were chasing money just mean absolutely nothing. I wrote a social media post and talked about how, you know, I never had an expensive watch, never did anything like that.
But, you know, I was egotistical. I would spend money like a fucking idiot, especially in this town, Vegas.
and then when you're taken when all that's taken from you and you walk into a room

and you don't have any of those things and all you have is your personality and your character and you realize that you can still take over the room, which is your personality and your character, you kind of look at those things and say, I really don't need them anymore. I still want money, but I want money for freedom.
If I want to go snowmobile if I wanna take a trip, I want it for the experiences, but I don't need all of these material possessions to say, oh, look at me, I have a Rolls Royce. Your physical possessions say nothing about your real identity and your real worth.
Not at all. If there's something, a bag, a watch, a car, and someone else can own the exact same thing, then what does that say about you? The only thing that no one else can possess is your character and your personality.
And I think once you realize that, you start to understand what's really important in life. So selling drugs and doing all of those things, it can't give me the identity that ultimately I want to create for myself.
I see a lot of successful people struggle with that. They tie their identity to how much money is in their bank account.
Look at Wes Watson. I think that's a man that fucking hates himself.
And when I look at him, I'm not trying to speak from hate. I'm trying to speak from personal experience.
I know what it's like to make millions of dollars and still hate the person you see in the mirror. I know what it's like to make that much money.
And you've told yourself, oh, if I make this much money, if I get the attention from women and do all these things, I'll finally be able to respect myself. And when you set those goals and you accomplish them and nothing changes on the inside, it just makes you fucking lose it.
So I look at Wes Watson and even though I don't agree with what he's doing, I have a lot of compassion for him because I see a person who fucking hates themselves and doesn't know what to do about it. I can see that.
I mean, if you're at the point where you're lying about your height, you do not like yourself. Well, even the way that he bragged about the fight.
Did you see that when he was on the live stream and he said, oh, I had the most savage fight of any famous person. And he literally said it couldn't have gone any better.
It couldn't have gone any better. And then he starts snitching on his friends saying, oh, he's Chinese mafia and this guy stays strapped.
You're just thinking like, why? Like, why do you have to, anybody who engages in self-advertisement, they're insecure, plain and simple. The person that has the most money, they don't say a fucking thing.
You'll never know. They'll be in sweatpants.
And the son of a bitch that's the toughest motherfucker in the room, they're not saying a single word. Yeah, they talk the least.
They do. Because you know what? They're not scared.
They don't need to deter you. They know that if it comes to blows, they're going to be fine.
And so they don't need to just have this, you know, just boisterous image. And it's really, it's the self-advertisement is what it is.
You look at him on every post, it's self-advertisement. And then what's really sad is if you go and you look at the people who aren't critical of him and the people that are on his posts and are sticking up for them, if you go and you look at their social media page, it's just sad to think that that's the, those are the kind of people that he's getting money from.
And those are the kind of people that see him and believe the lie and think somehow that their life's going to change. And what you're going to be able to fucking get a goddamn Rolls Royce.
You really think you're going to feel better about yourself when you get those material things. You're not.
Yeah. Well, there's a lot of insecure guys, like we're saying earlier, tying their identity to money and confidence.
Social media. It's external validation is what it is.
And listen to me, I understand it. I had my sources of external validation ripped from me when we moved from Texas to New Jersey, and it took me 30 years to figure these things out.
So I'm not critical of them. I just, I don't agree with what they're doing.
And I feel sorry for them for the self-hate that they have. You said earlier, I wanted to bring this up again.
The last thing you told your father, what caused you to? So growing up, he was never really involved. He was never involved with us.
And he was a pastor and he

cared more about, you know, the church and God than he did his own family. And my mother would always call him out and say, you know, it's kind of funny how Jerry's will always aligns with God's will.
But when I was in prison, he was the best father you could ever ask for. And he was there every fucking week for over five years.

He never once missed a week.

And I felt like even in prison, we had a relationship. It was great.
And I get out and he goes right back to being the same person. And I just didn't understand it.
And so he always had to have a project, somebody he was working on. And when I got out, there was a kid, his name was Mark and he lived in the house.
He was 19 years old. And he, his family was a member of the last church that my father was a pastor of.
And Mark was a little shit. I feel, I feel sorry for him, but he was, he was a shit.
I got him a really high paying job completely and totally embarrassed me. And one night I came home and this is when I was in the halfway house and I was on home confinement and home confinement.
They can show up at any time, search the house. You know, you can easily get sent back to federal prison.
And so Mark came in from the backyard and he smelled like weed. And I told him, I said, look, Mark, I don't care that you smoke weed.
I just got out of prison. I don't give a shit about these things, but you cannot do this when I'm in the house.
I'm like, you will get me sent back to prison. I will have to go do another year in prison.
And he kept on trying to lie to me. And I finally just, I lost it.
And I said, you lied to me one more fucking time. You're going to regret it.
I know you were smoking weed. You ever fucking do that again? I was like, I'll drag you out of this fucking house.
You're not going to risk me going back to prison for a year. So he knew at that point that he couldn't lie to me.
I told my mother the next day what happened. I don't want to tell my father, but I told my mother and my mother told my father Mark's out of the fucking house.
We're not risking losing Brian again. And my dad wouldn't make him leave the house.
So my sister found out about that and she was just distraught. And I remember she was arguing with my father and she was crying and she was just like, you know, how can you do that? How can you do that? Like just kick, you know, kick Mark out.
Like we're going to lose Brian again. We're going to lose Brian again.
And she was curled up in the fetal position. I don't think I've ever seen someone experience so much emotional pain as what she was going through.
And my father wouldn't, I just don't understand how a father couldn't go to his own daughter and say, you know what, it's fine. And he just showed no compassion, no empathy for her.
And I remember going over on the floor and just taking her head and putting it in my lap and she was rocking back and forth. And I remember just petting her head saying, that's okay, Laura, like we have each other, we have mom, you know, like, fuck him.
And I remember I was, I just could not understand that. And there was one time my mom told me that my dad was doing Mark's clothes.
So Mark had finally left the house and I didn't live there anymore, but you know, they were still just this weird fucking relationship going on with Mark and my dad. Mark would use my dad's card, not give it back to him, make my dad like, you know, order fucking food for him in the middle of the night, take his debit card.
I was just hearing all this is like crazy shit. And my mom told me that he was bringing Mark's laundry to the house and doing the laundry.
And I didn't really care about myself. I cared about how he just turned that cold shoulder to my sister.
So I remember I was leaving the house and I saw him. It was just crazy how my mother just told me that story.
And I was leaving the house and I see my dad walking in with a clothes basket and I said, Hey dad, what are you doing? He goes, huh? What are you doing? Huh? What are you doing? Huh? And I said, nevermind. He goes, he goes, okay.
And I was just going to leave it. And I thought like, Oh, this motherfucker, like he, like I asked you three times what you're doing.
You say you act like you can't hear me. And then I said, nevermind.
And then you can hear me. So I walk in the house and I hear the water running in the washing machine and I just fucking lost it.
And I went over there and ripped the clothes out of the washing machine. And I told him, I said, you were bringing these clothes back in this house.
I said, I'll fucking burn them. I was just like, I don't know what the fuck is going on with you and Mark.
I i was like but how you could sit there and show more concern for fucking mark than your own daughter that's what i was really upset about so he left and went over into the office and i was very upset i went over there and we were yelling he tried to get up out of the chair like he was gonna fight me and i remember looking i was just like oh motherfucker i. I've been waiting for this for my whole life.
Yeah. And he sat down and then it just fucking clicked.
And I looked at him and I said, you're a fucking faggot. I said, Mark is your gay fucking lover and you're a fucking faggot.
And I don't have any problem with gay people. It was more, and I don't know if that was 100% the truth, but the way he like, couldn't look me in the eye and he just kept looking forward.
And I remember I was just so dumbfounded and shocked because it seemed like it all just made sense. And I looked at him and said, you know what? You're fucking dead to me.
And I walk out. And that has definitely, that's, that definitely weighs with me more than anything else, because I think that if he was gay and he was born in Texas in the 1940s, I can't think of how much society told him that he should hate himself as a result.
And I'll never forget one time I was sitting in the prison visiting room with him. And I told him, I said, you know, I don't, I said, I'm undecided about the God question, but I don't believe in any religion anymore.
And I told him, I said, and some of the reasons why is that the worst people I've ever met in my life have all been members of a Christian church. And the most moral people I've ever met have all been atheists.
And an atheist doesn't do right and wrong because they want to get into heaven and avoid hell. They just do right because it's the right thing to do.
And I think that when people act out of that pure intention, that they're doing things for the right reason, and it just seems like there's so many people that I came across, at least in my experience with the church, that they were just doing things to avoid hell and get into heaven. And my dad looked at me and he said, you know, I can understand that because there's a lot of people that are attracted to the Christian church, that the fear of hell is the only thing that keeps their demons in check.
And I remember when he told me that I had shivers that ran down my spine because I knew it was like a, you know, self-confession moment. So I remember, you know, I think that, I think that he thought that he was bad because he was gay.
And like I said, I don't know for sure, but I think that's probably what he was going through. And I think that he just had this weird compulsion that he had to be a pastor and had to emphasize the fear of hell.
So we wouldn't give in to, you know what I mean? How he was born. And so I feel very sorry for him to think that he died not being happy and he died, you know, being miserable and having his son say you're dead to me as the last thing.
And I'll never forget. I went into the ICU.
He was in a drug induced coma, just like how people, a lot of the people died from COVID. And I walk into the room and my mother's talking to the nurse for about two minutes.
And then as soon as she's done, she says something to me and I say a few words. And as soon as he heard my voice, you'd see his eyes fluttered.
He was just using every ounce of energy he could to open his eyes. And then once he opened his eyes, he was just going all around the room and he finally found me and he locked on me and he wouldn't take his eyes off.
And he just slowly lifted his hands and like reached out to me. And I didn't take his hand because I was still really upset.
And that's the one thing I regret. I wish I could have taken his hand and let him know that you don't need to ask for forgiveness.
You know what I mean? I have, there's nothing to forgive. You've done nothing wrong.
And in reality, I feel sorry for you. If you've lived your whole life, you know, thinking that something was wrong with you, when in reality, there wasn't anything wrong with you.
That's deep, man. Yeah.
Wow. He wanted that closure with you, it sounds like.
Absolutely. Damn.
Yeah. Rest in peace, man.
Yeah. That's a powerful story.
My father, with the same thing happened to him, man. Really? His dad physically abused him growing up.
Oh, wow. And he just wouldn't ever see him again.
And then they passed away without him getting closure. So it's kind of sad, you know? And then you have to wonder, why did he beat him? I'm sure he beat him because he was probably beat when he was a kid.
Exactly. It's like a never ending cycle, right? Yeah.
That's why Shakespeare said, you know, that the sins of the father weigh on the children. And it's not that it's this system of justice where you're responsible for what your parents, you know, have gone through.
It's just that, you know, you look at kids that are molested and then they grow up and they molest other kids. It's just, you know, kid, people that were beat when they were younger, they grew up and they beat their kids.
Yeah. I wonder if your father felt some guilt for the way you like turned out with the drug dealing and stuff.
I mean, you know, that's a hard thing to answer because I'm definitely a libertarian. I believe in personal responsibility.
And it's only since I've admitted that all of those things were contributing factors and not the determining factor. I think when you're younger, you are a creation.
But when you get to a certain level of consciousness, you are responsible for your existence and you stop

being a creation and you stop being a creator. Um, so, you know, if I was in his position,

would I feel some guilt? Yes, absolutely. But even though I can, even though I can look at

his perspective, I still can't sit there and act like a victim. Ultimately I am responsible for my

fate. I am responsible for the decisions that I made.
And so as long as I own that responsibility,

I'm going to go ahead and see you next time. act like a victim.
Ultimately, I am responsible for my fate. I am responsible for the decisions that I made.
And so as long as I own that responsibility, I take power over my life, over my identity and over my existence. And it also frees you from the anger.
And it's crazy that once you forgive yourself, it's so easy to forgive other people. Right.
Did you struggle a lot with anger growing up? Oh yeah, absolutely. Well, I mean, it's not only struggling with anger, but so I went on Softlight Underbelly and I talked about it where at first I was really excited to go on there and share my story.
Yeah. And then I started looking at some of the stories that went on there.
I mean, there was one kid, he witnessed his two-year-old sister be grabbed by the ankles and have her head bashed against the fucking wall by his mother's boyfriend.

And then there was another guy that went on there and talked about how he was sexually molested like 300 or 400 times when he was a kid.

And I just thought, what in the fuck is my story going to do for anyone?

You know what I mean? And I looked at my story and almost felt like I was just being a little fucking brat.

Okay, fine.

Your girlfriend wasn't the prettiest girl in school anymore. Your teachers didn't tell you you were special.
And all those things that I lost, my quote trauma, I looked at it and just thought like, Jesus Christ, you know what I mean? Like I'm being a little fucking brat. And then I thought about it.
It would be easy if there were external factors that were 100% responsible for the decisions I made. It would be easy because then I could free myself of the guilt and there's nothing to forgive.
But when you realize that you've been your own worst enemy, that you've been the demon that you've been running from all along, that's what's difficult. And that's when you have to learn how to forgive yourself and how to love yourself and how to hold yourself accountable, but in the same token, also to go easy on yourself.
That's deep. I love that though.
That accountability, man, takes a lot of people time to get there, but it's very important. Yeah.
Well, if you want to be happy and you want to control the direction of your life, you have to accept it. But a lot of people can't accept it because they think that they're going to hate themselves as a result.
And so you have to let them know that here's how you can forgive you. As soon as someone understands how they can forgive themselves, then they can hold themselves accountable.
But until they can't understand how to forgive themselves first, they'll always run from the accountability. I love it, man.
Brian, that was a really important episode, man. Where can people keep up with you and find you? So I'm doing a book right now called Build Mental Muscle.
I started a Build Mental Muscle show, and it's all about the concept. And this is once again, I beat myself up a lot because I feel like you read a book, you go and you speak to someone and you, you know, encounter this powerful information and you just think it's going to change your life.
and maybe it changed you for a little while, but then you go right back to where you're from. And I think that's because people don't approach mental fitness like they do physical fitness, physical fitness.
You know that you're not just going to go into the gym and bench press 315 pounds overnight. You also know that in order to work up to that goal, you have to have structured workouts.
You have to monitor the food you're putting into your body and you have to have a real strategy and a real plan. And I think that's what people forget when it comes to mental fitness.
And if you look at the principles of neuroplasticity, it's the same as like muscular plasticity, where you have to engage in these structured mental workouts. If you want to deal with trauma, there are exercises for trauma.
If you're insecure, there are exercises you can do to deal with your insecurities. So that's what I'm doing right now, writing that book, doing a Kickstarter.
And we just launched the Build Mental Muscle show where we're having people with very, very amazing stories on there. But their stories have been told elsewhere.
So we're doing interviews in the style of asking people questions so that the viewer can gain some empowering information. I love that.
We'll link it below, man. Thank you.

I appreciate it, man. It's been a pleasure to be here.
Thanks for coming on. Yeah,