#500 - Elis and John’s Christmas Cracker

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Ellis and John's Christmas cracker

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house nothing was stirring Not even a mouse.

If only that were true for Ellis, John and Dave this this year, each of the three corners of the equilateral triangle of content have a very different experience of Christmas, and for Ellis especially, the opening lines of the poem couldn't be further from reality.

Yes, his AI cat flap had finally become sentient and decided that the best treatment for a house full of mouse phobics was aversion therapy, and its newly acquired intelligence was only letting in local cats who were holding live mice.

That's happening. We've had it.
It's yeah, it's been a disaster. All the neighborhood's most accomplished hunters sat waiting for him as he crept downstairs to check Santa had left stockings out.

Oscar, Squish, Mr. Biggles, Scruff Tibbs, and Chairman Meow all sat in wait to deliver their bounty.

As Ellis checked the stockings, which, due to Santa ignoring several Google calendar reminders which said, remember Christmas in big letters, they contained only items available in a Tesco Express.

Each of the cats dropped their presents. It was mayhem.
The stockings were the first to go. Grab bags of hula hoops and bottles of antifreeze went everywhere.

Yes, ye grist, shouted Ellis as he slipped on the AA roadmap and king-size wrestler he wrapped for Izzy.

Trying to catch six mice without waking everyone proved impossible, and within minutes, Ellis had managed to stick himself to all the house's Tupperware with peanut butter. It's like he's there.

Betty was down in a flash taking notes for the Christmas edition of her family newsletter, The Daily Scramble.

Ellis's mum, who'd been sleeping on the sofa, repeatedly said she was fine as as her ever-tightening grip of the armrest began to tear through the fabric.

Izzy at least had the decency not to cause further upheaval by fainting neatly in a corner. There was only one solution.
This year, they would have to celebrate Christmas on the roof.

Despite the odd sprout rolling down the guttering and the complete loss of the cranberry sauce due to a sudden gust of wind, the reassuring tug of the ropes around their chest which secured them to the chimney did at least mean they could pull their crackers in safety.

Ellis dropped his miniature tape measure into Nextdoor's garden, but it was a price worth paying for a mouse-free, if damp, Christmas day.

No such trouble for Dave. His house didn't have room for a single mouse.

The only thing stirring in Masterman HQ was the turntable on his hi-fi after his Christmas dream had come true, a weekly subscription to Disc.

Spelt D-Y-S-K, Disc is a start-up which specializes in delivering men in their 40s limited edition 180 gram vinyls of some of the naughty's most innocuous albums

specializing in whatever genre cult play is they provide a service vital for all men who never really liked pop but didn't want to push themselves too far

the best thing was you got january's albums all at once so the master clan opened their stockings to david gray's white ladder cooked dinner to keen's hopes and fears

and boogied away the evening to the kooks then once the kids were soundly asleep, the only thing accompanying Dave and Hannah into the bedroom was Nora Jones. Great album.
I'm sorry, it's all good.

It's all good. Sorry, it's all good.

No such noise for John. Nothing was stirring in his room at all.
In fact, he'd been sat stock still in bed since 8pm. If only the same could be said for the other guests at the Premier Inn.

Ryan next door was earning double time in the morning working on the construction of an Aldi.

Despite getting his head down in time for his 4am shift, night terrors woke him and the whole corridor every 18 to 20 mins.

On the other side, Bill, a local businessman who'd been thrown out by his wife earlier in the week, made any shut-eye impossible with his constant sobbing and deafeningly loud pornography.

Though, blessedly, the latter only lasted 59 minutes before his free Wi-Fi ran out.

Luckily for John, he'd booked an executive room with panoramic view.

So he made his peace with not sleeping and munched on his complimentary green and blacks and used the hair dryer to block out the screaming and crying as he took in the picturesque scene of the M5.

Merry Christmas, one and all, and to all the good night.

It's so

horribly accurate. Well, that is our Christmas scene.
Another haunting intro. Yeah, mouse hell for Ellis.
Yes.

It was a rat last time, just an adolescent rat, I'd say. Disc for Dave.

And

flashing the cash with a Premier Plus room for Johnny Jay or John Robbins. Yeah.

And there you go. So over the Christmas period, that's as much as you'll treat yourself? Elements of the Christmas period will be spent in one of Britain's budget hotel chains.
Okay.

Due to various

people working shifts. Yes, of course.
Christmas Day being a movable feast. It is.
I've got to be a movable Robbins. Yes, yes, yes.

And I'm willing to move. But I find sometimes that the most enjoyable way of watching linear terrestrial TV is in a hotel.
Because you're kind of out of options.

Well, I actually had this argument with John in a text group last week.

John would ban the hotel telly.

Why? Because he thinks they're unnecessary because everyone has laptops these days. John's argument.
I agree.

But I think it gives you a reason to appreciate. I'll say it again.
It gives you a reason to appreciate linear terrestrial television. Also, lots of people don't bring laptops on holiday.

And lots of people. What if you forget your laptop? You're then completely entertainment-free in the hotel room.
I've never switched on a TV in a hotel room in my life. That's not true.
That's true.

Really? I've never ever watched a TV in a hotel room. Why would you?

Because it gives you a reason, John. But, Dave, as we've discussed, TV is dead.
Dead? What was it? What was the phrase? Dead, dead, good. TV is dead, dead, good.

TV is dead, good.

Your phrase is TV is dead. Dead, dead, good.
We talked about this on the other week. We had one of the pods before Christmas.

What I'm saying is, so if you stumble across a film in your hotel room, what's a mediocre film that you would probably not choose to watch at home? Backdraft. Backdraft.
Perfect example.

It's a great example. But you flick it on in the hotel.
Something changes. There is something different.
I ain't watching backdraft on Christmas Day. I tell you, you bloody bloody wood.

You would if you're in a hotel room. Yeah, no, I...
But I don't watch TV. Yeah, that's true.
So I don't want an excuse to watch linear TV.

It's different.

I watch it on my laptop, which I bring with me because it's small. Yes, but then you've got everything to watch and it takes away the magic of watching linear TV.

But also I want sort of silence as well or ambient music. Yeah, I don't think everyone is the same.
No, this is true.

I mean, it does strike me as an enormous waste of natural resources to have a TV screen in every single hotel room on Earth.

Like, think of all the rare minerals and metals in each TV.

But it's.

Happy Christmas!

It's the Christmas show. It is the Christmas show.
It's Alice and John's Christmas Cracker.

It's really weird. If you text John a lot, as I do,

you get a glimpse. And John has never said he wants to be this.
This is poorly lifted from biographies of Boris Johnson. Were he to be world king? My God, what a regime.
Oh, interesting.

No, it would make a kind of sense. It would make perfect sense to you.
Yeah. I think morale would be low.

Global morale. I think we would be at an all-time low.
But it would be very efficient. Yeah.
I think people would be pre on balance,

you know, initially popularity rating through the floor. But then as people got used to it, they'd go, do you know what, this kind of makes sense?

Yeah.

And... What would you rather be, prime minister or king? World king.
Yeah. Well, king of the world.
Oh, it's king of the world.

That was Boris Johnson's ambition when he was very young, was to be world king. Yeah, okay.

And I'm just saying that because he, because John, when I text him, he often comes up with sort of global solutions.

Really, he should be working for a think tank, not doing a podcast on Five Life.

John should be involved, you know, sort of at the highest levels of academic thinking for the government.

His solutions make sense if there were 8 billion Johns. Yes.
And what a world that would be. If they all followed the instructions, it would make sense.
What a world that would be. What a world.

Maybe I could come up with some manifestos for John's World King

reign.

Yeah.

For a show in the future. In the future.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not for the Christmas Day show.
So John's five pledges. John's five pledges to be World King.
Yeah, yeah, for his headstone. Yeah.

No more trees being cut down anyway.

Okay. Oh, that's just.

My dad would have a problem with that, given he's in the timber industry.

Sustainable forests?

Yeah, maybe actually. I need to rethink that first one.
Okay, let's not a good thing to riff.

Because we do need to cut down some trees. Yes.
Yeah.

I'll think of it on the train way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So John will solve all of the world's problems on the train on the way home.

And I should say that we're all wearing blooming Christmas jumpers and we love it. Because we're in the mood.

we've been we're wearing the same christmas jumpers we've worn every year for the last six years yeah which shows how much we love christmas jumpers and we do mine is getting quite a little bit small why is that then because your arms aren't growing and put weight on in your arms well i think it's just shrunk over the last six years because you're washed once a year uh i just don't wash mine i wore it on stage the other day my belly kept popping out because it's got too small dave look can you see my belly yeah yours has got bigger it's not yours is quite baggy it's it's it's mine's a city one mine's got a snowman who's got a city kit on oh right it's the old crest but it's fine what's mine is it just an adolescent lawyer i can actually see

lawen in christmassy grey yeah yeah

graphite christmas grey yes but it is lovely it is christmas time and we've got a special guest dialing in this very second actually

this very second yeah well we've we've got we've got loads to get through but we won't we wouldn't want to keep this person waiting i don't think no because they're the busiest person at this time of year.

We talk to special guests each Christmas, actually, as part of Ellison John's Christmas Crackers.

We do, and we're delighted to say that joining us from Santa's South London-based hub, because Santa is now like Amazon,

big depots, massive ones. Right, got a huge one on the M4 near Maidenhead.
Okay.

It's Mother Christmas. Hello.
Oh, it's a delight to talk to you at this very busy time of the year. Thank you for squeezing out a few mins for us.
That's absolutely fine.

I think the big question everybody has is

what's it like living with Santa at this time of the year?

Santa's often... That's a nice question.

Actually,

you might like this question,

Ellis. Oh, yeah.
Living with Santa at this time of the year is no different from any other time of the Okay.

I don't like the way this is going. So, what are his, what are some of Santa's, what are some of the things he gets up to?

What are his, some of his, how does he cope with all of this organisation for delivering presents around the world?

Santa has

quite a full jog all year round,

as it were, of various

stresses and strains.

For example, how to find the time to watch that winning goal from Swansea in 1973 and things like that. This is what sounds like a Swans fan.
Yeah, it's weird. It's not a very well-known fact.

It's actually

May 1981, but never mind, don't worry about it, Santa. Oh, you'd get on with Santa if you.
Yes, I would, yeah.

And so at Christmas, things get slightly worse than normal, I guess, in terms of rushing around and time management.

Often shouting

himself, shouts himself a lot. Why are you late? Where are the elves?

The elves haven't got their shoes on again.

So, is it like a sort of

a bit like he's got Slay DHD?

Very good.

Very good.

That's very good.

I think he'd find that funny, John.

Yeah, he likes puns. Does he really? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he absolutely loves puns. And

I hear that one of Santa's first jobs is to deliver some presents to Cardiff from South London at rush hour on a Friday. Yeah.
Thank God he's got a sleigh that can fly.

Yeah, and thank God he's got a new sleigh. So I don't know if many of the children know this,

but he's actually got a new sleigh this year. The previous sleigh got paint spilt in it

and

it was kind of written off

mentally at least.

So he's got a new sleigh that he doesn't really know how to work yet.

And he doesn't like to talk about the brand in case people think he's out of touch.

Yeah, he's covered the brand name's on the side of the sleigh and he's covered it with

the winning scores from Swansea 1987.

Because Izzy knows so little about sport.

Yeah, Mary Mother, whatever, whoever this is, knows so little about sport, she can't even riff about sport.

He's covered with the commentary from that winning goal last year that sent Swansea into the international championship. What's that mean?

So, what's been some of the highlights of your year with Santa, would you say?

Do you know what? Santa's very kind and he means well.

And I think, nice thank you

would you I mean would you agree John from what you know of him oh never had a bad intention of his life from what I've read in the press never which makes it very difficult to blame him for anything so in a way it's quite manipulative

that's for another day that's for another day it's sort of next level gaslighting isn't it oh come on because I meant well

you should be happy with the disaster that has resulted from me meaning well. Be happy with my intention.
Absolutely. Yeah.

If you follow the maze back to the intention,

you can't possibly blame me for this catastrophic outcome.

But he is kind and he always gets me good gifts after

a terrible year many years ago when I said I didn't want any gifts and he believed me. And didn't he get you a CD from a train station when he realized his mistake? Yes, yes, he did.
He does try.

Yeah, he

gives it a go.

Yeah, he does. So, what's it like living with him? It's it.
What I tend to do is just

make sure I carve out some time for myself and set down some boundaries. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And how about the elves? How do they view Santa?

Because obviously, that's a complex relationship because they work for him. Well, he's got two elves.
So, he's got obviously got many elves, as we all know, but two of them are his own children.

So, they've been, you know,

absorbed into the family business from birth. The elds don't have much respect for him, okay.

Um,

but they want to keep on his good side because he's Santa,

so it's an interesting dynamic. Are any of us concerned about what this is like for my optics?

Because I am.

Why does it affect your optics, Alice? Yeah, why does it affect your optics? Do you see some similarities between you and Santa for crying out loud?

Maybe just one or two parallels at most I would say yeah seems like you two would be best mate to

get down to the pub and have a good old chin wag Ellis I've got a question for you actually do you think Santa because I'm gonna drive shortly um

to meet my good-for-nothing other half with the kids yeah do you think Santa needs the two pairs of pants that are drying on the radiator in the hall no no

no no they're fine. You can get rid of them.
Well, don't get rid of them. I mean, just leave them where they are.
What does Santa need? Yes.

Santa needs them to be put in the drawer so that the teenager who's feeding our cats doesn't see them. Santa's cats.
Santa's cats. Santa's cats.

Does Santa want me to close the drawer or will he get crossed like when I don't close the drawer needs to be closed? Yeah, I'd like the drawer to be closed. I think that's reasonable.

But yeah, take them off the radiator, please. Thank you.
And there you go. A little insight into the inner workings of uh the lapland god lapland's busy this time of year isn't it

especially between four and six p.m

clockwise yes

uh well we wish you all the best with your christmas travels uh mother christmas slash mrs claus

thank you um

what do you call a

i was just didn't do a nice pun for ellis as i left yeah

what do you call um a woman who's just just got married to Santa, who's also crossed with a cat?

Mrs. Claus, but spelt C-L-I-W-U-S.

And that makes the snarl-ups on the M4 westbound just fly by.

It's good when you have to spell a pun, isn't it? Yeah, big time. Big time.

Yes, well, all the best on your Christmas gift. All the best.
Merry Christmas.

Bye-bye. Very kind.
Why do I feel hot, Div?

Because it's

a jumper. You probably feel hot because of the excitement of talking to one of the most important people on the planet at this time of year.
At this time of year, it doesn't get more important. No.

So it was nice to have her on. Top-level stuff there.
And Santa seems lovely. Well, speaking of presents and deliverance, not the film.

We've got some crackers in front of us. Should we pull our crackers? Absolutely.
Are they special high-end ones that cost a million pounds? Doesn't look like it, but they look good.

I'm in a video. I'm in a Robbie Knox video where he opens thousand pound Christmas crackers.
Let's do it all at the same time. Okay, three, two, one.
Oh, I lost both. Well, I won them both.
I won one.

Yeah, Robbie Knox bought a thousand pound Christmas crackers from a top shop. What's in a thousand pound Christmas cracker? I tell you what, it ain't worth a thousand pound.
What is it then?

Like a dishwasher? No, it's like some napkin holders. For a grand? Well, they're a grand for six.

What are they made of? 160 quid each. Silver-plated, I think.
And they had scratches on them.

But very good YouTube video if you go on Robbie Knox's channel. And Friend of the Show.
Friend of the show. What do you call a snowman's temper tantrum? A meltdown.
Yeah.

You look confused by that. That doesn't really matter.
It sounds like more of a fact. Yeah, don't really get that one.

There's no gift in these at all. And there's not even a joke in this one, too.

These are completely empty. I didn't want it.
Well, this is. Where'd you get these from?

It's like the cracker that Richie makes, Eddie makes Richie on the Christmas bottom. There's no joke or hat.
Oh, hang on.

It's because I'm afraid of spending money on the company account, John, so I keep it reasonable. What do you call Elveswood? Are you muffs? Anything you like, they can't they?

Who is Rudolph's favourite pop star? Merry Christmas. Hang on, let's try and work it out.

Exactly. Who is Rudolph's favorite pop star? Now, what would Rudolph like? Well, let's not just chill.
Oh, don't give me any clues. Okay, so uh it's tricky this i think

mike oldfield because he made jingle tubular bells don't tell me the answer yet we'll get there is it that you said don't do you want me to is it that ah no okay

um red red wine nose

by ub40 does he like sladium rock oh right slade ellis okay you're getting closer with the mode of transport focus on that slade no Which should be because that's a funny one. It is a funny one.
Okay.

Don't tell me.

David Slay. As in David Gray? No, that's not as good.
Okay. Shall I tell you? No.

Can you tell me? I find these games absolutely inferior to.

Oh, God, that's rubbish.

Is it Slay?

Tell me what it is.

It is Slay, yeah. Yeah, and okay, okay.
And is Slay the first word or the second word? Second. Okay, okay.

Second part of Brian Slay. No.

No. Close.

I mean, basically, that's the format. Yes, it is the format.
And you've actually got the first letter of the format. Okay,

so.

Britney Slayers. Okay, you're getting closer in terms of the genre.

Okay.

But gender. Beyond Slay.
He's got it in seven. He's got it in seven.
He's done it. Okay.

Who is Rizal's favourite pop star? Beyond Slade.

I enjoyed that. It should have been Slade.
I like Slade. I just, yeah, it should be.
Beyond Slay is probably better for the kids.

A bit more recognized. Big rack globally.
Yeah. A lot of value judgment on Slade.

But, you know, the record sales don't lie.

So we're doing our secret Santa, aren't we? We are.

And can I just start with some things I got for the team? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, just because I thought, you know,

that would be nice.

So, no, no, that's vape juice.

That's my bag of condiments. Chocolates.
Hey. Oh, John.

And

mince pie.

Sean. Hooray.

Salted caramel fudge. Is this all for you, John, or is this for the team? Well,

a little from Colonet.

And from everyone, milk chocolate coated custard cream. That's huge.

I bought a lot of packets for Christmas presents and I shouldn't have done

so far away from Christmas because I opened them and eaten them. Yeah, me and Hannah did.
And they're 138 calories each.

Let's not worry about that. So no, that's Paul La Tablea.
Oh, that's nice. Paul La Tabla, for goodness sake.
Not those condiments there for me.

Can I try one of these first? You can, can, mate. I've heard so much about them.

Ellis has gone in for the milk chocolate covered custard creams. I've heard so much about these.
Which have played a starring role on the podcast over the past few weeks. He's taking a bite.
Why not?

It's Christmas. I'll tell you what it is.
It's the thickness of the chocolate.

And it's confusing.

Ellis is usually very disciplined with his treats, his treats consumption. Yeah.
But he's letting lose his Christmas. Oh, absolutely.
It's blimming Christmas, for goodness sake.

It's the thickness of the chocolate and its confusing. Yeah.

It's the confusion on the palate. Yeah.

Yeah.

Secret Santa. Secret Santa, yes.
Yeah. Well, it's not so secret, it's because we're all getting them out of our bags.
Well, I've got. Alice didn't buy mine.
I've got to give mine to Alice.

I've got to give mine to Ellis to give to you. What, a copy of my book? Oh, no, that's just because I'm reading it.

I'm not giving you your book back. I won't tell you what it is.

Ellis, that's it. So it actually says that they're extra chocolate on the packet.
Yeah, put those down now. Thank you.

Wow, that's massive! It's right for me!

Yeah, you're gonna love it, mate. But what's the price limit? Don't worry about that.
10,000 grand. Oh, no, I only spent 50,000 grand.

I didn't spend that big. It's 100 million grand.
That's all right. Okay.
John, I can't believe I got you in Secret Suntre. Yeah.
And I can't believe I got you this. Wow, we!

Thank you. Alice doesn't actually know what it is.
Oh, my God.

Alice has no idea.

Right, let John open his first

up to snow good,

it says on the wrapping Dave. It does.
Snow ho-ho. Dear Santa, I can explain.
What's that one?

I don't know. Also, this is Lila's wrapping paper.
Is it Richard? Why does it say, Dear Santa, I can explain? What's happened?

Santa caught someone letting down his tires or something.

What it is.

Oh, my. Oh, yeah.
Hey,

hello.

joy and glory be and hark to the members of Bethlehem all assembled

because he came

amongst thou. What have you got in Alex? A pumpkin.
No, it's the Frank Zappa Halloween 78 box set, the big one with Frank Zappa Devil Mask. Live at the Palladium, New York.

They're releasing all of his New Year's gigs. His Halloween gigs, sorry.
I was going to give, if I had to get him something,

I was going to buy him a book and I was going to give him £45 in the card. That's nice as well.

That's a good gift for John. So is that a collector's item, Zappa? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Better kiss.

They release all of the Halloween shows. He did one every year as a box set with a mask.
And there are one, two, three, four, five discs.

It's all the hits. It's Dynamo Hum.
It's Little Rubber Girl. It's Father Oblivion.
Camera Lobrilno. Nanuk rubs it.
Packard Goose.

Ancient ornaments. Grans in fool.
Yes, please. Is that vinyl or CD? What will it be? CD.
Great. That's nice.
Great stuff. Thank you.
Well done, Alice. Secret Santa.

I am thoughtful. Is this for me? That's for you from me.
Same wrapping paper. How kind?

You can't open it. You can't get in.

And you might have these, but they did look good, but you might have So just be honest. He's got every book available.
I know, I know. I do want to read.
Got it, but I love it. And it's a good choice.

And I bought myself on release. Oh, it's revised and updated.

I bought it on release. Great.
So you've got another few pages there to enjoy. Oh, it's taking us into the 21st century.

Talk us through the book, please, Alice, for the listeners.

It's about

as casuals. It's the book about how football fans dress, which I bought on release, but it's newly revised and updated.

And And when footballers were skint, a journey in search of the solar football by John Henderson, which I don't own. Yes.
And which I don't have ever even heard of. That's very good.

I think that lovely picture of Jimmy Greaves. Because that's what all Ellis wants.
It's a time when footballers were skint. Totally.
That's a great present. That's a lovely picture of Dennis Law.

And what a lovely picture of Tommy Banks used to play for Bolton. God, those footballs looked heavy.
And John Henderson's a good writer.

Is

it for me now? Yes.

We need to stop buying Ellis books during the records because

he loves reading. It's really nice.
Yeah, that's Ray Wood, the Monday Night Your Goalie. He got his cheekbone broken in the first few minutes of the 57 FA Cup final.
And he was skint.

And he was skint, yeah. And they didn't have sponsors on the kits, did they? What a lovely picture of Gordon Milne.

Merry Christmas. What a lovely person!

There's an invoice because he was with the Preston plumber.

Come on, man, I expect you to know basic 50s footballing history. You're going to have to name other plumbers from Preston.

Gordon Finney was one of the best wingers in world football, played for England and Preston in the 50s. But he was a trained plumber and at the end of his career had to become a plumber.

Because footballers were skinny. Because footballers were skinned.
So

in terms of

profile, he was Mo Sala. Obviously, Mo Sala has made millions of pounds.
He made tens of pounds.

And in the football museum, when I went there last, there was an invoice from his plumbing company because he'd like fitted someone's toilet.

But they'd kept it because they couldn't believe that it was the Tom Felito. So where was all the money going?

Or just was there none? No.

TV rights weren't in the mix. Very.

Almost nothing in terms of...

Well, in the 50s, nothing in terms of TV revenue and i'm guessing match day tickets were very cheap match day tickets were very cheap so it wasn't like someone was advertising hoardings around the ground spurs decided against advertising hoardings in 1972 because they thought it was uncouth and undignified and maybe they were right

no shirt sponsorship obviously so it was all it was all um uh gate receipts that was how clubs became successful yeah right dave There's no pictures of Gordon Milne in your present, unfortunately.

That's all right.

Have I had this wrapping paper before? Yes, Dave. It's good.
It is good. It's not a criticism.
And one of the benefits of having very few friends is that wrapping paper lasts for ages.

Arguably, the hardest man to play in the Football League was the halfback Frank Barson.

Born in Grimesthorpe, Sheffield in 1891, he began his long league career at Barnsley in 1911 and made 140 appearances for Manchester United between 1920 and 1915. So this is a dull sentence.

This is me.

What is John? I know why you asked me to save my sausage roll now. Yes.

So John's got me the full collection of hot honey and chili flakes

for any sweet heat lover. David, the new sensation, apart from milk chocolate covered custard creams, is hot honey.
Is it? Oh my word. I've drizzled, drenched, devour.
Well, honey on feta cheese.

I'm going down Broadway. What does that mean?

I'm ready for a nice hustle. I'm going to check out a show.

I'm going to take a girl to the cocktail bar. Yeah.
And I'm going to drizzle hot honey all over her fetter.

I've recently just started putting Tabasco on everything. Yeah.
No, Tabasco is for wimps.

I need to understand the past. It illuminates the present.
Not my words, the words of Glenn Cook.

They have been in my spare room. in which the radiator is off to, you know, make, because I don't need to heat it.
Yeah.

So they have the honey has crystallized, but you just need to, it just needs to be put in some warm water. Oh, he's so thoughtful.
Or the microwave.

But if you do put it in the microwave, take off the seal so it doesn't explode. It just needs to be in the microwave for 30 seconds.
Do you know what the

honey never goes off, Dave? Do you know what the name of the title of the introduction is in this book? Boring Facts About Old Men? No. No.
Six spons a week? You can't ask for that. Oh, yeah.

I don't want to do the show now.

And he doesn't want to drive to Cardiff. Can Izzy drive to Cardiff so you can read it?

I think he's read enough over the past couple of weeks. It's about time he pulled his weights, John.

Yes.

Stop reading the book. Good.
So Dave's got his hot honey. I'm going to use that.
I'm going to use it a lot. Send me to Broadway.
Frank Zappa box set.

Ellis has got a lovely book that he can't stop thinking about already. What a successful secret Santa.
And chocolates for the team. Chocolates paula tablea, paula team, of course.

I thought they've changed the photos in this casuals book. It's been revised and updated, Ellis.
Do you think that's just a marketing thing?

No, because there's a.

Go on.

Simon wears a baton smock kagool.

This is good. There's smock shots, which weren't in the first edition.
Because smocks, they're quite recent.

Oh, yes.

What year is Simon's Baton Smock Kagool from?

Well it's actually quite

it's actually quite upsetting for me. I bought that smock kagool in lockdown and it was too big and I sent it back and then they stopped making it and now I can't get one.

And I bet now it'd look quite fashionable because things are baggy. Yeah.
Yeah Dave.

So it's actually quite hurtful.

Oh yes.

Yeah, Peter wears ipalite Dijon wallabies and his mate wears some moccasins. Alice has been hurt by Simon's smock kagul, Dave.

Now, vintage horror tweed jackets. It's time to take a little break.
Yes. And then we'll be back with some very special guests.
Ghosts of Christmas past, Mabi.

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Now then, today is not only Christmas tide and Yulmus Eve Eve slash day, depending when you're listening to this.

It's also light under a bushel being removed from the bushel and now blinding everyone. Our 500th show.
It is our 500th show. 500 million shows.

If you're looking at the official numbered versions of shows.

What wouldn't be included in that, Dave?

The alt text, the blooper reels. Our contractual obligation episodes from back in the day.
Ellis and John Go Bowling. Ellis and John Go Bowling.
The isolation tapes. Yeah, isolation tapes.
Yeah.

A couple of Euros. A couple of bureaus.
But that's 500 official releases. Yes.
And what a lot of content that is.

It is a lot of content. It's still there for you to listen to.
It's all there.

And

just like history, you can read about it even though you're not in it anymore. And that's why people like history.
You can read about

the Reformation.

You don't have to go back in time physically. Well, seeing as we've reached our 500th show.

Yes. I thought it would be nice to reflect on where this podcast all started.
By your recent pod tweets.

Well, I think it'd be fun, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I do think it would be fun to maybe take us back to Friday, the 31st of May, 2019, to our very first live broadcast on Five Live.

I've got some clips here, because it's nice to look back and it's nice to maybe see how this

is how your life's gone, Dave.

Because what if you look back and think, I wish it was then?

I don't think you'll think you'll wish it was exactly then. Because it's a tricky show.
I was lashed and engaged.

You were lashed and engaged. It was John's crossroads.

Should we have a little listen to a few little things they did on the first show? You betcha. Better believe it.

So John first sets the tone early by castigating his producer, me, on the show, on the first show of the BBC era. Instead, Edith Bowman and Clary.

Why can I have that spelt? Oh, it is spelt phonetically. Sorry, I should have read a later.
Clarice Lockrie.

Come on, John. Clarice.

Come on, Clarice. Close.
Come on, don't close.

Sometimes you use Ebion skin cream and wear lead at home, but not today.

Your bleeding has stopped. Clarice Lockrie will be along with two hours of film chat, including guests, Holiday Granger and Alias Shalk

Dave.

You have to spell stuff phonetically the first first time I'm reading it out because otherwise it makes me seem like I am disrespectful. Do you want me to read out some tweets?

God's money.

This has to be phonetic, Dave, if the names are anything unusual. Otherwise, I look like a right royal piece.
How do you say that?

Godzilla, king of the monsters. No.

I'm not afraid of upsetting a mythical creature. I'm not afraid of upsetting Alia Shawcat.
Shawcat. Okay.

Anyway, broad terms, Edith and Clarice are on next, and they'll be met with Holiday and Alia talking about their new movie, Animals. Lovely.
Unless it's a horror film.

They will be following us at 3pm. There you go.
You would have thought that was relatively safe. Yeah.
But you actually handed me several... loose grenades.

Oh, I thought you would have read it through.

What, and learnt how to spell

someone's name I never heard before.

Unbelievable.

There we go. Wow.

I don't sound very nice to him.

I don't think I'm a good person anymore.

So what I would say,

you were very nervous. Do you remember how tired we were at the end? But what if you were one of those people listening to that?

Oh, I'm now on the side of the texter.

Yeah, we were finding our way.

Actually, I'm on the side of the guy who texted I won't listen to this rubbish.

He was right. you jeff thinkettering i take it all back that's the bit you cut out isn't it you can't it's live radio though it's tricky to cut out oh yeah it was on the radio

go back to live radio okay

that would make us feel very exposed

to like dismember a corpse or something

hide it in a bin no he's still alive it's not a corpse yet there isn't there isn't well so here's another little clip uh where alice begin the began the babysira by telling anecdotes that he's telling today and similar things are happening.

No, turn this off. You're not allowed to do this.
No, this is all right. This is fine.

This is fine. And John found the stress of the first show a little bit too much.

Ellis, anecdote number two. Got a mouse, John.
Whoa,

this is a nightmare. Initially, we started off using humane traps.
The mouse was laughing at us and it was... Sorry, Alice, I'm just going to interrupt you there.

I'm being so distracted by how bad I smell. I'm going to change my t-shirt while you're

in the anecdote. Yeah, it's disgusting.

Right, okay, well, I'll tell David. Are you sure that's me? Why didn't I just broadcast topless? Because we're on the webcam.
Oh, we're on a webcam, of course. Yeah, nobody wants that.
Right.

Numbers have just soared on a webcam. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm topless. Okay, started off with a mouse, started off with Humane, with a Humane mouse trap.
It's not very nice because I've got a four-month-old baby in the house.

He was actually even younger at the time, obviously.

You're not going to put deodorant on the studio, are you? Yeah, of course I am. God, it's like a little jean.

And.

You're talking about a mouse

what's going on you got a mouse got a mouse

so there we go there was a lot of builder work in our street mice anecdote

that's why it smells so bad i was helping the guys out with some grouting we had um it was when we were in the old house in the old flat and there was a lot of builder work in the street a lot of people had started to have loft conversions and things and for some reason that meant that we got loads of mice because the mice go out of the loft i remember that yeah and and steph was very little.

Yeah, yeah. And putting him to bed.
The thing I'll never forget is putting him to bed in the Moors' basket. On a mouse.
And no, but looking up, and there were mice all over the curtains. No way.

Awful. Oh, that's awful.

And the guy who came round, a lovely Brazilian but bloke, and I remember the third time he came round to block the holes and all that kind of stuff with like wire wool, he said, if this doesn't work, I have run out of ideas.

And I remember thinking, don't tell me that, mate.

Did it work? Yeah, the third time was the last time. And the first five live presenter, I think, to take off their shirt halfway through a link, I'd imagine.

Yeah.

I mean, I come out badly at that one as well. Do you think? I think you're all right there.

Smelling bad and taking off your top and putting on Dioja on a five-live show.

I don't think Nikki Campbell does that very often. No.

And that was on the radio as well, was it? That was on. That was on the radio.
Okay. Do you want the reflection link?

Because I think there's a nice bit here where I think you're very honest about how you thought it went. So this is the outro that we record because we used to record intros and outros.

Yes, this is not on it. This is the debrief.
Okay, the self-flagellation begins. Yeah, so here's the debrief for show one from 2019.

I think also something to say is when you were this a TV show, this would have gone through

five or six edits. We would have filmed a pilot.
That would have been shown to the channel. We would have then filmed another pilot.

We would have then got replaced ourselves with Dara Brian and someone else.

too many cooks, man. Yeah, but what I'm saying is a radio show is rubbish.

By its nature, is a work in progress.

And it will find its feet. I'll tell you what I'm going to, as a counterpoint to John, who's gone grey, like some sort of like a character in a Victorian novel who's got consumption.

If you are coming to this podcast because you're a fan of the Radio X podcast, I am positive that you will thoroughly enjoy it.

The thing is, because you're on Five Live, which is a news and sports station, and also we're replacing Ellie Oldroyd, who's a much-loved broadcaster, even though she's still on the station, obviously.

And it's ten times the listeners.

Yeah, it's a very, very different thing to what people are used to in this slot, you know, because I listen to Five Live all the time, and they don't have an idea.

I didn't realise we made this apology.

But

I'm not bothered.

Those people are always going to kick off. It's a bit like if you'd, in 1996,

brought sushi home for Sunday lunch in Carmarthen.

Yeah. That's inconceivable.
Now sushi isn't bad. Where's the beef? Very good for your heart.
That said,

your dad would probably have kicked the living S out of you.

He wouldn't, but he would have thrown it out the window. Yes.
He'd have thrown it out the window. Yeah.
He'd have kicked the S out of the sushi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There'd have been rice everywhere. He'd have said, where's the gravy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He just kept saying it. Do you know what? Do you want to hear a fun fact about my dad and gravy? Yes, please.

He doesn't like gravy. Where was this when we needed a dynamic anecdote? Yeah.

Where was this when we were being accused of being members of the socialist workers' party?

There we go. Good.
I feel great now, Dave. Bit of a reflection.
I feel so good about myself and my career. Isn't that nice how far it's come, though, from that first to that first?

That's what I'm taking from it. Absolutely.
How is it not come anywhere? This is still telling anecdotes about mice. But they're different mice, you don't

different house. Yeah, all those mice are now dead.
They're all the ones you're just talking about.

It was a nice moment in time to look how six years later. What's the life expectancy of a mouse? No, they'll all be gone.

They'll all be dead. Three years.
You know, a mouse's heart beats so fast, it's just a hum. Does it? Is that true? Yeah.

It's like a thousand beats a second. Thousand beats a second.
Minutes, sorry. A thousand beats a minute.
Wow. So you can't hear it.
You hear it humming.

Anyway, 500 eps later,

it's changed, it's developed, it's grown. Yeah, it's changed.
We've got some special guests. Yes, we have.

A couple of people who were witnessed to that birthing live on the air and who joined us on a first show. We thought it'd be a little bit of a treat to bring them back again.

Well, what a bulge Santa's got in his sack.

And we're very excited to have it unleashed upon us because if you cast your minds back 500 episodes to our very first show on Five Live, amongst a barrage of negative, explicit texts,

there were two beacons of hope. Yes.
Two people that had set the standard for publicly funded broadcasting. Yeah.

And we're delighted.

They were also a bit confused with what our proposition was at the time. They could read the text console as well.
Well, Dave, that's because we were disruptors. Agitators is the word.

We were sent in to disrupt the BBC by lowering the average listening age by two years. And I'm delighted to say that that project has almost been a success.

But joining us now is Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo. Hello, guys.
Hello. Is that actually true that that was your

remit was lower the listening age by two years? It was definitely on a

bullet point somewhere. It was on a presentation.
And what's almost a success?

Do you think we're about 18 months? we've got the average list down at least 18 months

we occasionally get emails from actual children

so that's great for the average have you ever been called into the room in uh broadcasting house where they show you a graph and tell you that you're 27 and we went no okay 27 what and they went well no 27 that's really good and we went yeah but out of what they went No, it's just 27 is very

like one of those bad graphs in the Guardian where there's nothing on one of the axis.

But guys, you now

are free to roam in the commercial realm. The digital planes.
You must be so high up with Fuse Energy. What's it like hanging out at? A Nord VPN.
A Nord VPN. Do you hang out at the offices of NordVPN?

Yeah, we do. We've got our own little table there, you know, under a blanket, obviously, so that all our information is protected.
You're there most of the time, aren't you, Simon?

I don't even know what one is, really.

You have one, and you tell me it's really good, and I can read a script as well as anyone else.

I'm too busy watching films on Mubi, a curated film service, which is great for everyone. So, how are things going on Kermoden Mayo's take?

You've interviewed Edgar Wright, Daniel Day-Lewis, and his son Ronan, and Joshua Connor, and Amy Lou Wood, and that's just a small sprinkling of your recent interviewees.

Paul Thomas Anderson, Simon, did recently as well, who was fabulous.

I think it's going really, I mean, I'm never the one to be sort of jolly about things, but I think it's going absolutely spiffingly. Simon, how are we doing? I think we're doing tip-top.

Everyone I bump into in the street, they say, really love it, telling all our friends about it. And so much better with the ads.

But listen, Simon, Simon, you're on Greatest Hits Radio. You know how to work round ads.
I mean,

that's right. But also, because we're now in this Patreon business, and that's a really exciting thing because it means we're actually doing a live show.

Yeah, although the first one we did, we didn't realize that we had gone on air because the organization was so shambolic on behalf of the redactor.

We were on air for five minutes going, is this working? Is that what, you know, and luckily there was no effing and jeffing, but yeah, we are now doing a live show every two weeks

for the Patreons. And that's quite

sound.

When we did

streamed shows in lockdown, the first time, especially,

and it wasn't just two minutes of his thoughts on

45 minutes of feedback. Yeah, yeah.

We're going to play a made-up game with you this Christmas. So I'm going to hand over to Dave to tell us what it's all about.
Are we having a jingle, Dave?

We have a Christmassy jingle to kick off today's made-up game.

Made-up games.

Made-up games

from user's imaginations

to overnight sensations

you make up the games

take John and Ellis take the reigns

thanks a million for your made

oh games

a listener made up made up games jingle with some Christmas bells on it which is lovely that's lovely Dave really isn't it's a listener that wasn't properly written or recorded We get a different made-up game jingle sent in pretty much every week by the listeners.

And the standard is quite incredible. It's a creative bunch.

They are even capable of sort of creating them in certain styles and certain artists to order. Yeah, yeah.

So we've had a Van Morrison one, we've had a Cameron Winter and Geese one, and all sorts, you know, very talented people. Have you had a Skiffle one?

No, but now you've said that, it will be coming in. We'll get a Lolly Donegan jingle, absolutely.
Yeah, in fact, we could maybe commission

for free as much as Snapchat. Okay.

Kermoden Mayo's take skiffle jingle. Oh, yeah.

I can do you that. I can do you that.
How long do you want it to be? Well, it's skiffle, but 90 seconds. 90 seconds, right? I can do you 90 seconds of skiffle.
He's great.

Yeah, I can do your wardrobe as well while I'm there, you know, probably change your plumbing.

And quick update on scores before we get into the game. After John's victory in last week's game of Catalogerheads, the score now stands at John winning 30 love in the fourth game.

Three games to love in the second set, and John is leading one set to love. And this is just the first round.
What do you mean? Well, there's 128 people in this tournament. Yeah.

Second round, third round, fourth round, quarterfinal, semi-final, final. Oh, yeah, that's a really good point.
Yeah, we're just still in

the first match. Yeah.
Okay, this guy's got legs.

right so because we have special guests mark and simon on the show we thought we'd revisit one of our favorite games of the year so we're going to be playing a twist of dates which was originally sent in by listener charlie in oxford for this game you will work in pairs so alice you'll be working with mark

uh john you'll be working with simon fantastic the aim of the game is to guess what year and in what order certain events took place. So here's how it'll work.

I'll name three events or three things that have happened. You will then have to work together, so you can confer, to guess which year you think those things happened in.

If you're bang on that year, you'll receive 10 points. If you're one year out, you'll receive 9 points.
Two years out, 8 points. 3 years out, 7 points, etc.

If you're over a decade out either side, either way, you'll receive 0 points. Teams will then also have the chance to double their points if they can put the events in the correct order as well.

Yeah, I listened to two episodes of In Our Time last night, so it would would really help me if these were based on Zeno's paradoxes or Pauli's theory of something to do with small things. Let's see.

Fingers crossed.

So each team will have their own year to work on, so you can confer and collaborate, and that's not going to influence the other team because they'll have their own events to work on as well.

Two rounds each.

Most cumulative points at the end of the game wins. So we'll start with Ellis and Mark.
Okay.

In which year did the following events take place?

Princess Diana gives birth to her second child, Henry Charles Albert David.

Culture Club's Karma Chameleon hits number one on the US Billboard chart.

Terms of endearment win five of the 11 Oscars it was nominated for.

Okay, so I think it's 81.

I think it's after that. Do you? Because William is

about a year younger than me and I was born in 1980. So if it's her second child,

I think culture is... She leave 82.

I think it's 1983.

Really? Okay. I'm just going to summarise for the listeners that versus the film critic, Ellis is guessing three years different to the terms of endearment.

That's the thing. I mean, if it's huge.
If that's what you're basing... If it's basing it on terms of endearment,

it was... It's Prince Harry, not Prince William, isn't it? Prince Harry.
Charles and Diana got married in 1981, and I will bet my house on that.

It wasn't a shotgun wedding.

The only way I can remember this is that I went to Manchester in the summer of 82, and I'm pretty certain that Culture Club had already been at number one

with terms of endearment. Yeah, Culture Club had a huge hit with terms of endearment.

So I think that

it must have happened. Can you remember what part of the year Karma Chameleon came in?

But did you say number one in America?

Oh, I see. Oh, fine, because it may be later in America.
Right, okay.

Maybe that's the thing. So I think I must be wrong about the date of Terms of Indym.
No, I tell you what, I am wrong. I am wrong.
I'm thinking of ordinary people.

I'm thinking of ordinary people. Ordinary people is 1980, 1981.
You are completely right. It is.
No,

yes, I'm confusing.

Yes. Okay.
Terms of Indymic came out when I was. It's going to be the blooming Oscars before we get an answer out of these two.
Yeah, no, no, fine. Fine.
It's 1984. It's 1984.

I'm wrong.

I'm completely confusing. Terms of endearment with ordinary people.
It's 1984. We're locking in 84.
Do you want to give us the order before I reveal how the points are going to get dished out here?

So we need an order as well. That will be the first one because that will have happened in the Oscars, which would be February or March.
I'm going to take wild punt that.

When I think of Diana holding her second baby,

is that often?

Yeah, it talks about this every podcast.

It's relatively summary.

I'm not imagining her holding a baby in the rain. Yeah, or in a nick blue.
Or on a nick blue. So I'm going to say Oscar's first

culture club.

The birth of Prince Harry. Oscar's Culture Club, Harry.

The year.

is 1984. 10 points are on the board.
Can I just say well done, Ellis? Because I was completely off-beam with that because I got the wrong movie. Well done.
Yeah.

I mean, reputationally, Mark, that could have been an absolute car crash, couldn't it? No,

I'm beyond car crash reputation problems. Sorry.
No bonus points.

The correct order is Culture Club hit number one on February the 4th. So it was an early...

Early one. You are absolutely right, Mark, in that Oscars are fairly early as well.
It's actually April the 9th was the Oscars in that year. That's late.
That's late, wow.

And then Princess Diana, yes, September 15th can be fairly summary.

When Culture Club were on top of the pops for the first time with that song, John Peel was the host. And he said,

there are two people. No, I think he said there are three people on the show today who look like Brian Clough.
Here's the first one, Boy George with Culture Club.

And I can't remember who the other two were. But ever since John Peel said that Boy George looks like...

Brian Clough, I've never been able to shake that.

Right.

John and simon this one's for you yes in which year did the following events take place david bowie releases his 12th studio album and his second album of the year heroes marking the second installment of the berlin trilogy brezhnev yes

leonid brezhevi leonid brezhnev is named chairman of the presidium of the supreme soviet of the soviet union

Steven Spielberg releases his follow-up to Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Simon, I may have to defer to you. I think we're in a very similar early 80s ballpark, but I was but a barn.

There's a bit of film and a bit of music in there, so there are hopefully some reference points. If you need any repeating, let me know.
Leonid Brezhnev gets which gig?

Top gig, basically. Chairman of the stage.
Pyramid stage. Chairman of Nottingham Forest, Simon, I think.

Yes. On the pyramid stage.
Leonid Brezhnev. He's a 70s guy.
Heroes is a 70s thing. Okay.

Close encounters is a 70s thing. So I think we're in a different decade.
Okay.

Clearly, you're just going to wait for me to do it. Well, I'm imagining you opening your copy of Heroes, thinking, I can't wait to play this on today of all days.

It's March the 15th.

And only a month after Brezhnev got that jet that Dave said.

Can I just say that the Good Lady Professor, no, yeah, the Good Lady Professor Her Indoors just published a book about Steven Spielberg, so I know know the answer to this.

I know the answer to this. Do you?

I mean, if I were to guess, Simon, I would say 79, but I don't know that that's true. See, I think it's earlier than that.
See, I wrote 77, but we'll go with what you think instinctively.

Shall we split the difference into 78? I think we've got to go with your gut, because I would feel very bad if my wild guess skewed us. I'm going to say 1978.

Saying 78. And what order would you put them in?

Trick you onto order. This is ridiculous, isn't it?

I mean, frankly, who knows? So.

Well,

I'll guess the order. Go on, then.

I'm going to go...

Close encounters, Brezhnev, heroes. Why not?

Okay.

The year...

Was 1977, Simon. Boom!

Boom!

I thought that was correct, but I was twisted away by the mechanics. You were led astray by the.

What's the thing in Clockwork Orange? It wasn't me, sir. I was listening to the truth.
I was listening by the administrations of others, yes.

I wrote 77 on the piece of paper, but anyway, there you go. So close, but you get nine points.
So you're still very much in it.

And zero doubling of the points because it was Brezhnev, Bowie, close encounters. Okay.
Which is a bit of guesswork, I think, because that's a tricky one to really know where it lands in the year.

But you're on nine points. So you're only a point behind going into the second uh set of rounds.
Uh, Ellis and Mark. Okay, back to you.

Disney releases Beauty and the Beast. The film goes on to become the first animated film ever nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Brian Adams releases Everything I Do, I Do It For You, which goes on to become the best-selling single in the UK of the year.

How do you know this, Simon May? Because you have to introduce it on top of the pops up a billion times. And Tottenham wins the FA Cup for a record eighth time.

Why is this? Why is this hard?

This is ridiculous and fixed.

A long way from Brezhnev.

Ellis, go, go, go. You know it.
Tottenham Hotspur beat Nottingham Forest 2-1 in the 1991 FA Cup final. And look at that.
I do it for you. Was

that? I watched that FA Cup final. Yeah, it was Gaza's knee.

It was, he would beat Arsenal in the semi-final. Yes, yeah, with Gaza's free kick.
He's going to crack it, though. Oh, there's boys own stuff.
And David Seaman will be very disappointed about that.

Yes.

Okay. So everything I do, I do it for you was number one for 16 weeks.
Yeah, have you given us a year? Do you want to hear it? 1991, Dave. Okay.
Do you want to hear a fun fact? Yeah.

I bought everything I do, I do it for you. In the 15th week, it was number one because I wanted to feel part of something.

Good.

May I ask a question? When you said Beauty and the Beast is released in this year, and you're going to ask, do you mean in America or in the UK? Oh,

great question, Mark Kermod. we're gonna have to do some digging

uh i tell you the reason the reason i ask is because

the good lady fresh of her indoors and i saw beauty and the beast at the el capitan theater on hollywood boulevard hollywood boulevard hollywood boulevard yeah just when we just got married when the when you know when the ushers come up and do the dancing around beforehand yeah

okay it's the u.s release Okay. Is what we're after because that is important for the order, isn't it? So it is the US release.

We got married just before Christmas, so we might have been there at the beginning of the new year, but it was definitely playing already.

I'm probably not. I've got a gold disc of everything I do upstairs because child one was born when it was number one.

Mind you, most of the kids that were born in this year were also

number one. I would suspect that everything I do was it was a summer hit.
Ellis, can you remember when you bought it? Yes, it was a summer hit. It was number one for 16 weeks.

Okay, so I would say that I think that the

Beauty and the Beast is earlier than that. And what was the third thing? The Spurs win the FA Cup.
So Spurs win the FA Cup. They would have won that in the May.
Yeah.

Okay, so in that case... Beauty and the Beast first.
Dave, two of those. Their events have been events that everyone knows the date of.

Why, do you know the date? The Oscars and the FA Cup final. It's not like the first one.
Well,

Mark got the date wrong for the Oscars. The Oscars were a lot late.
Well, I was thinking of just being a little bit more.

Nowadays, they tend to be earlier, but it's right.

April is late in the awards calendar. Now they tend to be January, February.
So what's the order? What are you going with? Lock it in.

If Mark thinks that Beauty and the Beast is first, we'll go Beauty and the Beast first.

If it was number one for 16 weeks,

it must have been

published. It must have been released prior to the May.
So what does that...

So if we

go 15 weeks back from when you...

Go 15 weeks back from the same time.

This is like mum and grandma playing Monopoly. No, it isn't.

We're being very, very, very sensible about how we do this. Exactly.

I think Beauty and the Beast came out in 91 and therefore I think that it must have come out towards the end of 91 because it was at the Capitan and I think we must have seen it at the very end of 91 on our honeymoon.

So I would say it's later. Okay.
In which case, it's so that's the end. And then you're saying

the FA Cup is the first one, Ellis. Is that right? Well, that was me.
I think.

Let's not forget that Brian Adams was the number one for six years. I think Brian Adams must have been released before that.
I'm going to say,

I think it's Adams Tottenham Beast. Locked.
Okay.

The year is 1991. 10 points are safe.
Boom. It felt like you were just about to get the double, but then I think there was a bit of reasoning and you've moved away from it.

The right order is a lot of reasoning. There was a lot of reasoning.
Sean's upset because he thinks I will.

I knew you were. Let's wrap this one up.
Spurs win the FA Cup in May, the 18th of May. Brian Adams releases everything.

Do on

June the 17th. Oh, my gosh.
Fall out. That's actually the way you were going.
And then you're right. Mark, great reasoning around Beauty and the Beast.
November 22nd. Yay! There we go.

So we saw it on our honeymoon. There we go.
We saw it on our honeymoon. Yeah.
So we've got to get this doubled or we've got to get it bang onto drills.

If you could get a year when one of my kids was born, that would be great.

I was going to to say, or another year that Tottenham win the FA Cup, but they haven't really won it very often, so that's not really going to help.

Well, even if you get it bang on and don't double it, I still don't think you quite get there because you guys are on 20 points now, aren't you? Oh, yeah. And you're only on 20 points.

Well, we might as well forget it then. No, no.
Let's just play a record. Here we go.

John Simon. Play some ABBA.
Rain Man wins four Oscars, including best picture, best actor, best director, best original screenplay. The artist Salvador Dali dies age 84.
Great.

Billy Joel releases We Didn't Start the Fire, which peaks at number seven in the UK charts. I think I'm still too young at this juncture.

Yeah, We Didn't Start the Fire was a record of the week as well, so I've got no excuse, really. Okay.

So I'm on breakfast, so it's anywhere between 88 and 93.

Can you remember that that was a record of the week? That's yeah, because you must have done a lot of records of the week, Simon.

Yeah, but you know, you don't get so Billy Joel was on the phone, you know.

Right. Yeah.
It's late, I think it's 89.

I think, 88?

88, 89.

Um,

88.

Okay, we're locked in 88, Dave. You've lost 88.
Well, let's also get the order whilst we're here. So we've got Oscars again.
Yeah.

I think Billy Joel is going to be towards the end of the year. Okay.
I've got no Dali is like Brezhnev, isn't it?

You know, who, I mean, literally no one listening at this point goes, I remember Salvador Dali dying. Yeah, so you've got to be a trumpet.
Brezhnev becoming head of the Presidium.

Okay, so let's go Oscar's Dali fire.

Okay, absolutely.

The year.

Simon, you just said it again. I moved away from it.
The year's 89.

So you're back on nine points. So you'd now need to double the nine.

You need the order.

The order,

Salvador Dali dies on January the 23rd, of course.

We're all aware of that. January the 23rd.
Yeah, the penny drops, of course. And we were still reeling from Brezhnev's announcement, of course.

Rainman wins for Oscars in March, and then Billy Joel releases Weed and Start of the Fire in September. So it's a close game, but nine points there.
Well, it's a point to Ellis and

Mark. Does that go on...
Does Ellis get the point in the broader tennis game? Absolutely. I think he does.
I think he should do, because honestly, Ellis did much better than I did.

Why didn't I get the Spurs question, though?

Because they knew that you would know it. Just look at the draw at this stage.
Simon.

I mean, why didn't I get the question about how many Oscars did the Exorcist win? I mean,

it didn't happen, did it? No.

Good, thank you. But hey, this is going out on Christmas Day, of course, isn't it? On Five Lights.
So maybe you could play along at home. What's that day?

What did that? What was that? Just trying to give a sense of the day, you know, for

the Exorcist Day. We should be saying it.
Happy Christmas. merry christmas happy christmas to you uh

with that production steer earlier in the conversation yeah yes will you all be watching a christmas movie yes but i don't know which one yet i watch it's a wonderful life every christmas top choice top choice i think oh merry

yeah

i've got all the morning i've got young kids so i don't know what we'll go this go the wallis and grommet sort of quadruple played in that's locked in miracle on 34th street the remake oh that's a good shout yeah

actually that is one of the very few creatures in which the re in which the remake is arguably better because of richard attenbrough i mean yeah but bits christmas carol i suppose definitely fabulous fabulous fabulous

uh assume the shout yeah what's your favourite mark have you got a favorite Well, I mean, It's a Wonderful Life is one of my favourite films of all time. Yes.

I love it, and I watch that every single year. Funnily enough, I just did it.
I was in Cambridge and I did an introduction for

Black Christmas, which I haven't seen for a very long time, the original 1974 Bob Clark film.

And it's like, God, they don't make really dark feminist slasher movies like Black Christmas anymore, do they? Nice. Great.
That was a conversation killer, wasn't it, really?

My favorite ever Christmas movie is a movie which doesn't exist, which is a movie which turns up in Ernest Saves Christmas.

A movie so bad that they released it here in the UK at Easter.

And in it, Ernest, who is this innocent, gets dragged into making a movie called Christmas Slay, S-L-A-Y, for which the tagline is he knows if you've been bad or good and he's got an axe.

Very good, very good. Well, what a treat to have Simon and Mark on to commemorate our half-millennium.
David, weeks or years,

we've been on

since a quarter of the way since Christ's birth. Think of it like that.
Yeah, that's what the listeners think of it. Yeah.

That's making it very portentous.

So check out Kermod and Mayo's Take, available on all platforms and the YouTube channel, where you can watch the Wittering continue and the top tens and the reviews.

And I do tune in every week to find out what movies I shouldn't watch based on Mark's recommendation. Did you tune into a podcast?

I tune into YouTube. I watch on YouTube because I'm very modern.

I never watch on YouTube. I listen to podcasts.
I don't think I've ever seen a podcast. And

if Mark says this is a good film, I think i would have liked that if i watched it and if he said it's a bad film i say i'm glad i didn't watch that so i don't watch any films but i'm very up to date on the latest film comments yes and and john can i congratulate you on being the only person on the bbc who pronounces my name correctly oh you're absolutely welcome um and i'm now just gonna panic i'm now just gonna panic

but i i'm gonna make sure i do it right as i wish

as you always do as you always do and mark Kermot, boom, boom, and a very happy Christmas to you. And hasn't it been a lovely Christmas afternoon that we've spent together? Yes, yeah, 11 a.m.

11 till 12. Oh,

probably cut it out twice, Dave.

Right, thanks, guys. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Sorry, nice Christmas. Sorry, I was a bit rubbish with the quiz.
Don't you worry. We were both rubbish.
They were both much better than we were. You won, though.
You won. You know, Ellis won.

I just rode the coattails of his sister. No, Beauty.
You got Beauty and and the Beast, Mark.

But it was

the year he got married.

I was just doing one year out because I'm a disciple of Kim Bruce, and that's what he likes. So I did that on purpose.
Yeah, that's great.

Well, that was so nice to speak to Simon and Mark again after all these episodes. Okey-dokie, let's have some Christmas mad dads.

My dad, when he brought his first non-stick frying pan, kept the instructions and stuck them on the wall next to it. Actual real wooden clods

and set about eating what must have been north of 24 egg canopes. He then proceeded to empty 40 litres or so

onto the timber and strike a match. Dance a mad.
Dance a mad. Dance a mad.

Now, I've said it before, but it bears repeating. Christmas is touching every element of the mad dad.

It's logistics,

it's driving,

it's instructions to new bits of tech,

it's improvising solutions to problems,

and it's cooking in a way you never cook at any other time of year. Yeah, yeah.
So there's so many opportunities for dads to show how mad they are.

Because I think dads are maddest when they're thinking on the fly. I think it's this and summer holidays.
Yes. So when you have to improvise often abroad in a different language.
Yes.

First up is from James in Plymouth. James says, Morning, nutcrackers.
Back when he used to smoke, my dad would wrap empty boxes of B and H in Christmas paper and hang them from the tree.

Who says you can't be thrifty and festive? It looked less depressing than it sounds. James, the only thing I'm annoyed about is the fact he's wrapped them up.

Imagine the twinkle of gold on the tree as you come down. You can't do that with plain packaging.
No, but if you wrap it, they'll just look like little presents. London, will they?

Oh, yes. Riga would look a bit weird.
The old blue and white or marlbury. Camel would look classy.
This is going out on Five Live on Christmas Day. Yeah, I know.

And there are people who listen to Five Live who smoke cigarettes, Dave. True.
And there are people who remember cigarettes. And there's people who know what they are.

Yeah, and we all know how bad they are for us in terms of our health, in terms of our Christmas spirit. They're a burning but positive.

They're a huge injection of positivity into the Christmas spirit.

Great statistic of a common

reason for being taken to A ⁇ E on Christmas Day is people trying on jumpers with cigarettes in their mouths.

All right.

We're not condoning it, of course we're not. Terrible business.
My

business is from Seb. Seb says, My wife and I recently moved from London to Bearitz.
Oh wow, Roger Taylor has his boat moored near Beer Ritz sometimes.

You have a queen fact for everything. Well why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you?

In the southwest of France it's important to us that family come and visit regularly so we were delighted when my dad and stepman got in touch to see what we had planned for Christmas.

Could they come and stay for a week? Of course! What a lovely first French Christmas we have lined up. A couple of weeks later, my dad got in touch to finalise arrangements.

We're so looking forward to Christmas, he said. We thought we'd drive down and arrive with you on the 20th if that's okay and then we'll be off first thing on the 25th.

You mean you're leaving first thing on Christmas Day? I asked quizzically. Yeah you know how the traffic is around Christmas.
Oh my. Rose should be clearest on the 25th.
That seems nice. Yes.

I can't get over that. Yes dad, that's because it's Christmas Day.
Most people's idea of the main event. Well, that's why you've got to plan carefully and drive when no one else is.
Oh my god.

So it looks like our first French Christmas will involve waving my dad and stepmom off first thing as they aim to beat the traffic on the French motorway. Keep up the great work.

Longtime listener, Seb.

I have a funny feeling that French, the big French do, is not actually on Christmas Day.

And I've got a funny feeling it's on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. The main like family.
Yeah, Seller on the line. Yeah, Seb, you might want to look into that, mate.
Also,

I want to know the stepmom's experience of this man this holiday and her life when I

drove along France this summer in Bordeaux no the Bordeaux Straveria or Vienne that kind of place and and the Dordogne and I was staggered at how quiet the motorways were like genuinely amazed well also my experience of European motorways in general is that they're

pretty quiet it's not like driving on the m1 or the m4 at all

no you know do you want France's celebrations? Yes, please do. So France celebrates Christmas on both 24th and 25th.
December 25th is the official public holiday, Noel.

But the main festivities, a grand meal called Le Révion de Noël. Oh, that sounds nice.
And gift giving

typically happen late on Christmas Eve.

Oh, they get their presents before everyone else does. After attending midnight mass.
And late night for the little ones. God, plug game.
Many families

between 3 and 6 a.m. Because we're pious and we love an early morning.
Yeah, many families open presents and feast on the 24th in France.

Shouldn't tell my kids that because they'll want to do the same. Yeah, don't.
Oh, God, no.

My kids would be jealous of French kids, no? Because they're getting them early. Because they're getting them early.

Next up, this is from Andy in Abaris with Ella. Lully.
And Andy.

Andy says...

I wonder who might be opening an Asian school t-shirt this Christmas Dave.

From our range of Monster Merch. The Monster Merch, the Predator Range.

My dad has done some mad stuff in his time.

Several instances come to mind, many from my youth, that I'd prefer to cast in some kind of well, but I'd like to share a festive memory from a couple of years ago.

As Christmas 2023 approached, my two little girls settled down to the annual event of constructing a gingerbread house from one of those kits you get from a German supermarket. Great value, great fun.

With firm gingerbread biscuit acting as the walls, roof and supporting beams, icing acts as the delicious mortar. Getting the correct water sugar concentration is key to a successful build.

With my daughters being just four and eight at the time, this consistency was slightly off and they were having a little trouble making things stick. In steps my dad.

My dad has a very mechanical brain. I think his brain is so left-sided that he's in danger of falling over.
So I was really pleased to hear that he was stepping in to save the day.

He'd be far better at this than me or my wife.

After 10 or so minutes of some top granddad-granddaughter time, my ears pricked up when I heard the phrase, I'm just popping out to the shed for something.

But I didn't think much of it. I guess I should have questioned him when he returned with a glue gun.

There followed 10 more minutes of quality Christmas fun. It was at this point I could smell melting glue and plastic.
Distinctive, acrid.

It's hard to describe, but the smell seemed to be at total odds with the situation.

Heading over to the build site, I could see my dad crouched over, glue gun in hand, carefully coating bits of gingerbread biscuit with a sticky hot glue and positioning them.

Phrases like, what the flipping act, dad? Are you insane? slipped out. My dad looked genuinely confused and perplexed.
Like many mad dads before him, he saw a problem. He fixed the problem.

We didn't get rid of the gingerbread house, which, to my dad's credit, was now standing firm.

But there had to be careful supervision each time a child wanted to eat part of the house, mainly because glue from a glue gun looks very similar to icing and is also highly toxic.

As you can imagine, we reminded my dad of this every year, and he still wears that perplexed look like we're the mad ones. Maybe that's the mark of a true mad dad.

They see the world in a different way to us non-mad folk. It raises a smile every time I think of it.
Andy. Thank you, Andy.
Wow.

What I like about that is that that gingerbread house will remain standing for the next 20 years.

I don't think that's the point of a gingerbread house. Of course not.
That's the point of an actual house. Yes, but he has taken his building thinking into constructing a gingerbread house.

But you guys are dads. Yeah.
Have you started to notice any madness creep into your festive prep or the day or anything like that?

I have

noticed myself becoming less tolerant of what? Life. Life.

And that's what Christmas is

in no way about.

This is the first year in the evening where I've had to test stuff out to make sure it's ready and ready to be used by the kids on Christmas Day. Okay.

Which was a lovely thing to kind of step into as a kind of next level dadding that where you've got to be at like 9 p.m. on the 20 20th of December.
Yeah.

Like checking the console or making sure that the thing works. And that's quite nice, but it's not madness yet.
It's just

making sure it's not a region 2 copy of Hellraiser. Yeah.

Basically, absolutely, yes. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Do you remember when they used to have different regions? It's all nice. Absolutely not.
Oh, yeah, because the menu came up at the beginning, didn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes. I hope your regions are all right on your discs that you got from Zappa.
Oh, big time. That'll be all right, won't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great.

So, thank you, everyone, for being with us this special Ellis and John's Christmas Cracker 500th episode special edition.

And we're not even going to get into when we're back and when the next episode comes out because it's too confusing, and Dave will have a hissy fit, and Ellis won't know anyway.

So it doesn't really matter. It'll just, it's there when it's there.
The next episode is the best of on Tuesday, the 30th.

That does show how far we've come. Yes, so make sure you tune into that.
Thank you very much.

For all of your support this year.

Yes, we wish you well.

Next year, of course, with more hot, fresh content. So do enjoy the best of on the 30th.
Hope you have have a pleasant and fun festive break and we'll see you all in 2026 goodbye bye-bye

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