#499 - Digital Oil, Peak Christmas and Love Shakes Piles

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Speaker 2 Hello, thank you very much for downloading this week's episode of Ellis and John and probably Dave.

Speaker 2 Because obviously Dave doesn't get mentioned

Speaker 2 in the name of the show. At his behest, as we discussed last week, but we've had lots of emails in on this.

Speaker 2 And having been asked to put our Christmas jumpers on, which I hate because I think it's enforced wackiness and zaniness. I think it makes us look like goons.

Speaker 2 I've now been asked to take my Christmas jumper off, which I hate because it's ruined my hair.

Speaker 2 and uh but John isn't quite playing ball because me and him had a Christmas breakfast about an hour and a half ago and he's still got he's still got his complimentary Christmas hat on from the restaurant I've neglected to take off the Christmas hat because I had such a lovely time did you and I ordered two portions of pancakes Paula Tabla after everyone had finished their breakfast which became Paula John Paula John yeah well we all saw surely

Speaker 2 big old pile of pancakes yeah double portions so we ordered enough pancakes for eight. Only one person was eating them, Dave.

Speaker 6 Did you offer them out to other pigs?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You continually offered them.
I spliced the table with them so everyone had access to them. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then when most people had turned them down or had a little forkful, I then retracted the offer, brought them back towards myself and chomped them all down. It was good to see, though.

Speaker 2 So I think the crash is going to be huge when it happens. It's going to be monumental.

Speaker 6 That's cool.

Speaker 6 But deep down, you probably knew that everyone was full, so you were going to get them all anyway.

Speaker 2 Well, the thing is, Dave, if you're a greedy little piglet, what you can do is order enough food for everyone, and that just means you know you're safe.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Because if even if everyone had a normal share of what you've ordered Paula Tabla,

Speaker 2 it's still enough for you to essentially have two dinners.

Speaker 8 It's the...

Speaker 2 It's the insurance chips tactic. Yes, insurance chips, yes.

Speaker 2 If you've ever gone a little off-piste off-piste in the restaurant and ordered something you haven't tried before, you can order a side portion of insurance chips. Yes.
Just in case.

Speaker 2 Just in case chips. You can also get insurance spinach, insurance seasonal greens.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Insurance Naan.

Speaker 6 Yes, yes. Are you going to name all the foods?

Speaker 2 No, only the ones that were available. You couldn't have an insurance pizza.

Speaker 6 Insurance rice krispies.

Speaker 2 No, that wouldn't work.

Speaker 2 You can have an insurance grilled talloumi.

Speaker 6 Insurance pepperame.

Speaker 2 You can't have an insurance lasagna. No, no, no.
No. Because then you're giving away what you're doing.
Yeah. Because you can't say, oh, and we'll just get a lasagna for the table.

Speaker 2 It has to be something that could reasonably be paula tablea. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You can have an insurance mixed salad, not that it's hugely filling.

Speaker 2 You could have an insurance nicoise,

Speaker 2 I would say.

Speaker 2 So you could order a salad main as an insurance name for you.

Speaker 2 I thought Niswaz. What did I say?

Speaker 2 Nicoise.

Speaker 2 Interesting. It's Moet and Shandon.

Speaker 2 Did you know that? Oh, so that's

Speaker 2 the choice he used to work for Oddbins. Yeah.
But if you say Moet, everyone. She used to work for Oddbins and now she's married to an oddball.

Speaker 2 And that's the kind of Christmas humour we can expect. Can you turn me up, Dave? Big time.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 6 Big time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, hold on. I mean, for the listener.

Speaker 2 In life, or just on the amp? Just have me at 150% of everyone else. So we all get to benefit from the wisdom.
That's what Queen did at Live Aid.

Speaker 2 That's why they were louder.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they brought their own sound tech and he turned up all the limiters when they were on. That's what Oasis did with Definitely Maybe.
So if you put Definitely Maybe

Speaker 2 on a karaoke machine in a pub, it was twice as loud as everything else. That's what I do at all my gigs.

Speaker 2 So when the compares,

Speaker 2 ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, John Robbins. I go to the micro like, hey, everyone, so nice to see you.
And then people are like, wow, this guy's impactful.

Speaker 2 He's got a vision for Britain.

Speaker 6 Well, when, similarly, speaking of you and sound,

Speaker 6 when you DJ'd my club night and the engineer, I was trying to work out the sound beforehand. And he's like, and there's the knob for the monitors in the booth so you can hear what you're playing.

Speaker 6 I go, we won't be needing that. He went, what? I said, one of our DJs doesn't really like it to be loud, so we won't need any monitor coming into the booth.

Speaker 6 and he looked at me like i was mad actually you may as well just take that out john will not want any volume in here no no no no the quieter the better for the quieter the better please you want he wants to do it from a sealed unit yes like from a submarine um

Speaker 6 yes actually yes uh what um so the christmas hat is fine yes you just just for continuity

Speaker 6 If something fantastic happens in this episode, it might go out in the new year,

Speaker 6 you will just look like you're still enjoying Christmas.

Speaker 2 No, you'll look like one of those oddballs who celebrates christmas every day of the year yeah i'll just look like i'm advertising caravan because it's a branded christmas hat yes it is the bbc will have to pixelate it um it will look like a rude christmas hat an obnoxious christmas hat

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 uh it's unlikely anything fantastic is going to happen after this many pancakes dave

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 yeah i i intested that really why didn't you stop him al because you can't stop it for the sake of content

Speaker 6 stop an iceberg stop eating the pancakes pancake.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it eats faster than an iceberg. Yeah, and it thinks faster than an iceberg.
Yeah. It's like trying to stop a shark that's as big as an iceberg.
Pancake, dead ahead. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Good. So, what have you all been up to?

Speaker 2 I had an incredibly illuminating, enlightening spiritual experience this week.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I read and finished John's book. Oh dear.
My blood. As in fact, I got given it last Friday at about

Speaker 2 11 a.m. I started reading it on the train home and I had finished it by Saturday night.
Had you? I could not put it down.

Speaker 2 God, you're damaged.

Speaker 6 Just before we get on to the praise that's on the way,

Speaker 6 which is fine.

Speaker 6 Just talk me through... Your other responsibilities across that day.
Read it on the train.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So I got 40 minutes there.
Are you a skim reader? No.

Speaker 2 No, I could tell you what happens in every chapter. So I did it on the train.
I got 40 minutes in. I put the kids to bed.

Speaker 2 And so that was by about 9 p.m.

Speaker 2 And then I said to Izzy, I must be alone.

Speaker 2 Do you know what? That's a really good mark of a healthy relationship, being able to say to your partner, I must be alone. Yeah.
And then I read it until about 1 a.m. Your kid.
That's a big old chunk.

Speaker 2 Possibly half one. Then he cried himself to sleep.
And then I cried myself to sleep.

Speaker 2 And then I actually, I was running errands a lot on the Saturday because my daughter does drama and she does other stuff. And there's a sort of, there's like a sort of.

Speaker 2 She's working on the film adaptation. Yeah.
Right. There's like sort of half an hour between ferrying around and I took it.
So I read a little bit then. I went to a coffee shop, took it there.

Speaker 2 And then I put the kids to bed again and I said, Twizzy, I must be alone

Speaker 2 again.

Speaker 2 I read it when they were in the bath.

Speaker 6 Are you two getting any quality time together across the world?

Speaker 2 She doesn't want it. She doesn't want it, and I can't give it.

Speaker 6 When are you doing watching Goggle Box together?

Speaker 2 And then I remember reading a bit when they were in the bath. Yeah.
And they're old enough, so I don't have to observe them eating food anymore. So as they were eating their tea, I was reading it.

Speaker 2 I could not put it down. I thought it was absolutely extraordinary.

Speaker 6 I'm also enjoying it, John.

Speaker 2 You're almost at the end of the first chapter.

Speaker 6 I'm at wine.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's not bad. That's not bad.
It's chapter one, John. That is bad.
There's more wine later. Okay, I bet there is.
I bet there is. Lou comes out of it.

Speaker 2 Lu Sanders comes out of it exceptionally well. Dave, you get absolutely pilloried at the start of one chapter.
Do I?

Speaker 2 Unfortunately, I think it might be the only mention of you as well.

Speaker 2 Yes, it is. I can.
Apart from the acknowledgements,

Speaker 2 you get a nice acknowledgement and you get absolutely pilloried at the start of that chapter.

Speaker 6 Just so I can arm myself, just give me the headlines of how I get absolutely skewered.

Speaker 2 John writes a very moving chapter about pubs as sort of community assets and also as

Speaker 2 in lieu of in regards to his own personality about how he would plan pubs. There's a really amazing bit about the ideal pub trip that only happened once.

Speaker 2 I want to say what happens at the end of the chapter, but such a spoiler, which I didn't see coming. So we all get off with each other.
Yeah. No, it's when you um

Speaker 2 when all your uni mates and you bumped into your other friend.

Speaker 2 So, this was a this was a really planned day that John had that John was in charge of. So, they're going to go to all these perfect pubs in a spot of London that's full of replete with perfect pubs.

Speaker 2 But he opens the chapter by saying, I cannot stand it when people choose terrible pubs. Produces Dave, who produces the show, went to Bristol for a stag.

Speaker 2 Did he go to the Hill Grove? Did he go to blah blah blah?

Speaker 2 Did he do this following pub calls? You know, the what's the oldest pub in Bristol Club?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, which is hundreds of years.

Speaker 2 No, he went to a picture and piano.

Speaker 2 And what was the other one? An all-bar one. That's fine.
Like, I was on fire when he told me.

Speaker 6 That did happen.

Speaker 2 So I'm fine. It did.
It's absolutely fine. That's the only pillorying.

Speaker 6 I thought you meant like one of the chapters who was like... There's this person in my life who's not a very good person.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, no. He's a creative idea, actually.
God bless him.

Speaker 6 He's trying his best, but he's just not made for this world.

Speaker 7 A producer, Dave.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, and I hate it.

Speaker 6 So as long as it's not a character assassination, no, no, it's not a character assassination.

Speaker 2 It's an assassination of some pub choices you made on a staged of 10 years ago. That's absolutely fine.
That's okay.

Speaker 2 So there we go.

Speaker 6 It is Christmas, after all.

Speaker 6 Nearly. Oh, it is, John.
It's the Friday before. I think this is peak Christmas.

Speaker 2 The final Friday of the peak Christmas. This is Black Friday.
Yes. In the traditional British sense.
Yeah. Or where people are out getting hammered.

Speaker 2 When people leave the office and go straight to the pub and don't eat, and then there's a lot of scrapping in town.

Speaker 2 Did you read that great Ruth Husco tweet about that?

Speaker 2 There's no feeling quite like waking up in all your clothes at 11 p.m. still wearing your coat.

Speaker 2 That's today. Yes, yes, yes.
That will happen. I remember talking to a bouncer I knew in Cardiff, and he said, I would prefer to work Cardiff playing Millwall

Speaker 2 than Black Friday. Right.

Speaker 2 It's the... bad.
It's bad, yeah. That's today.
Peak Christmas for Dave.

Speaker 6 Well, I walked past someone that was explaining Black Friday, but they called, they said in Newcastle, they're on the phone to a mate.

Speaker 6 And they're like, and in Newcastle, they call it Black Eye Friday because if you go out tonight, you'll get battered and you'll have a Black Eye for Christmas Day. Yeah.
That's nice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But before, that's what it always was. And now it's getting, you know, money off a flat screen telly day.

Speaker 2 That's what Black Friday is. It's not Black Friday today, though, is it? No, no.

Speaker 2 We've had American Black Friday. We're about to have British Black Friday.
Yeah, that's the point I'm making. British Black Friday is just a horrible experience.
You don't get money off anything.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. That's the American Black Friday, which sounds much nicer.
But I do resent the fact that the Americans call their Black Friday Black Friday. They should call it Money Off Friday.

Speaker 2 This is Black Friday. Got it.

Speaker 6 Got it.

Speaker 6 This is peak Christmas for me.

Speaker 6 You have to understand.

Speaker 2 Black Eye Friday.

Speaker 6 No, not because of Black Eye Friday, but I think everyone, the final Friday of the full week for full-time workers and who might be getting a break who are lucky enough to be getting a break yeah i think actually this is the day when everyone's in their best mood because it's you're off you're now off work you're still a few days away from the real stress of christmas you've probably got a night out planned over the next couple of days and you're still two or three days away from the big stress

Speaker 2 done though wrapping etc yes

Speaker 2 But yeah,

Speaker 2 this is a fun day. This is a fun day.

Speaker 6 I don't believe either of you two are having fun.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I've got a drive today. According to Five Five, there are 24 million people driving on Britain's roads today.

Speaker 2 And four of them are Ellis and his kids. Yeah, yeah.
And he's got a drive across the entire country.

Speaker 2 Across all of London, which is a good laugh on a Friday anyway. And then across all the country.
Going to Cardiff. That's going to be a good laugh as well.
So I'm looking forward.

Speaker 2 So thanks for being late to date.

Speaker 6 But you're in it together. Everyone's travelling, so driving home for Christmas.

Speaker 2 Look on the bright side. We're all in it together.
It's peak Christmas. I am looking on the bright side.
It's peak Christmas. And for Ellis, peak Christmas will be around

Speaker 2 Reading services. Yeah, yeah.
Where it all just stops.

Speaker 2 It comes to a complete standstill. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Christmas.

Speaker 2 And then again at the Almondsbury Interchange. Yes.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And then again at the bridge. And then just outside Cardiff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's going to be good fun, I think. Can't wait.
What are you going to do in the car? What are you going to play? Well, my kids really like music, so we will just play a lot of tunes.

Speaker 2 The problem is I'll do the driving, but Izzy doesn't like being the DJ, so Betty will DJ because Izzy finds finding the being the DJ stressful. And also she only likes four songs.

Speaker 2 So it's Betty's songs on repeat. It's Izzy's songs.

Speaker 2 you know, on a loop of the four, whereas Betty and I take music slightly more seriously. So we'll be playing a more diverse mix.
And

Speaker 2 my six-year-old son will be playing some absolute rubbish. But you know, that's that's kids for you, isn't it?

Speaker 6 That's kids, and that's the fun of the fair.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, it is peak Christmas, yes, and I can't blooming wait.

Speaker 6 Do you want to talk us? Do you want to talk us through your Christmas?

Speaker 2 No, no,

Speaker 2 I've had it. You had it

Speaker 2 if he talks us through his Christmas,

Speaker 2 it'll become another mental health podcast.

Speaker 2 It's gonna be fine, it's gonna be joy and joy and joy and jubilee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Three jams. He's having his Christmas dinner from a burger van on the A33.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Joy and Jubilee.

Speaker 2 Hear the kings three. I'm just gonna make up Christmas songs until January and then it's the we keep living again in January.
We do. We do, don't we? But that's a big month for you because January.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 6 You're kicking into your training for the marathon. You're not excited by that.
They start home straight almost.

Speaker 2 I am training.

Speaker 6 I know you are, but it gets because I'm doing it as well. I'm seeing, I'm looking forward to the start of the year as that.
No, he's like T.D.

Speaker 2 Thompson. He trains twice on Christmas Day, just in case any of his competitors train once.
Okay, fine.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what, I was feeling a bit down about my training because I hit the wall in a distance length attempt. Yes.

Speaker 2 And I was just really annoyed at my legs because it was almost like jelly legs vibe. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then the app I use for running does this little sort of end of year, does all your stats.

Speaker 2 And I was in the top 16% for all of them. Oh, wow.
Like a sort of Spotify rapt, but for running. Yeah.
And what was nice is that they're not like how fast you are or how far you go.

Speaker 2 It was like how regularly have you gone out? How, how many streaks, how many weeks in a row have you done something?

Speaker 2 And how many activities in a total have you done this year?

Speaker 2 so it's more about consistency than like your skill level yeah and i was in the top of really like high and also jelly legs in december you got four months

Speaker 2 was just too early in the run for how far were you trying to run i was trying to beat my distance pb so i was trying to go over 26k and i the the the car broke down at 23k that's more than half a marathon yeah yeah but i've gone further than that it was just annoying because you're like i've now got to walk four kilometers home because i can't run it

Speaker 2 you'll be all right you'll be fine we'll be okay we have got some christmas posts

Speaker 2 which we should do today are we doing that in the bureau nope good why not

Speaker 6 i can't go into complexities of linear lineage

Speaker 2 the great lineage

Speaker 6 yeah the great lineage debate why but we're we've we we don't we shouldn't

Speaker 2 oh right okay basically well you're not going to get on thomas Thomas for the booro, have you? No. Because I had him on Distant Pod the other day and I redeemed myself.
Oh, well, well done. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Steph Carrero said something so funny. He loves this show and he listens religiously every week.
And he said, the bar you've set you and John and Dave is so high.

Speaker 2 But when I listened to you talk to Kieran and you were caught on the hop, it started bad and I was waiting for it to get better.

Speaker 2 Well, that was pretty much it. I redeemed myself.
I had him for an hour and I was normal and fine and I asked my questions and he was good.

Speaker 6 That's good. And because Steph is a good producer, I imagine he didn't just surprise you.

Speaker 2 No, no, I had weeks to prepare.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, very different experience. Yes, then post then, please, Dave.
Post!

Speaker 2 A handmade. Oh, let's read that after.
One of you open it. Ellis, you open that.
Thank you.

Speaker 6 It's a handmade head cover fit for a champion. Not quite Freddy's jacket, but close.
This is in handbags.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. This is interesting.

Speaker 2 What is it? That's a golf driver head cover. Oh, is it? In the style of Freddie Mercury's jacket.

Speaker 2 An oven glove. You could, it could be used as an oven glove.

Speaker 2 Look at that. What does the zip do? Well, I've never seen a head cover with a zip on, but that would be ideal for putting in teas or balls.
I'm going to sneeze.

Speaker 2 They are adorable. Yeah, he's a little sweet.
And completely out of character with everything.

Speaker 2 He should do the big, like, dad sneezes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he should. The sort of pixie sneezes.
Can I see the head cover, please? That's amazing. That is amazing.
Oh, you're like that on my golf trip. It's from Mark.
Thanks, Mark. Thank you, Mark.

Speaker 2 Wowie.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. That's fantastic.
Thank you very much, Mark.

Speaker 2 And actually,

Speaker 2 it's like one of those gloves that Deliveroo riders wear and have attached to their

Speaker 2 handlebars of their

Speaker 2 things.

Speaker 2 We don't deserve presents.

Speaker 6 We are not deserving.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no. Even though we ask for them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 and give out the address.

Speaker 2 Is this one more?

Speaker 2 One more. Oops.

Speaker 6 There you go, John. You read this.
It is Christmas after all. It's very generous of everyone to be sending this stuff in.

Speaker 2 Happy holidays. I'm guessing this is from a New York gangster.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah. A lot of English people are starting to say happy holidays.

Speaker 6 I was on an email thread yesterday, and someone finished by saying happy holidays.

Speaker 2 Promise is an Americanization, but if people hear it, they think it's because you can't say Christmas anymore.

Speaker 2 No, they will say it's because of woke. Will they? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 My son was in the nativity this week. Oh,

Speaker 2 he was Joseph. Was he? Big gig.
That is it. So you can do nativities.
That's a myth as well in state primary schools.

Speaker 2 John, I hope this festive tribute to two major pants in your parts of your life in the last year or so brings you a smirk, at least until you get your hands on some official merch.

Speaker 2 Sorry, nothing for you, Ellis and Dave, but he needs this.

Speaker 2 Thank you for all the joy and company over the years.

Speaker 2 Nick in Bristol. Thanks, Nick.
What is this?

Speaker 6 Well, just given your bum troubles, this is quite a fun little t-shirt.

Speaker 2 It's a Cameron Winter.

Speaker 2 But read what it says on the front.

Speaker 2 Love shakes piles.

Speaker 6 And instead Instead of love takes miles, it says love shakes piles.

Speaker 2 Oh, dear.

Speaker 2 How has that left you feeling?

Speaker 2 I think that's quite good stuff. Sort of goes with the self-esteem t-shirt that I can't wear or give away.

Speaker 2 Can I see it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's Cameron Winter's album cover.

Speaker 6 And one of his songs is called Love Takes Miles.

Speaker 2 But what they've done.

Speaker 6 What's the name? Sorry, John.

Speaker 2 Nick.

Speaker 6 What Nick's done is very clever. He's written Love Shakes Piles on it.

Speaker 2 My grandmother used to cut up my grandfather's old pants and use them as dusters.

Speaker 2 Just throwing that out there.

Speaker 6 Because it's a good quality tea, that jar.

Speaker 2 That's a really

Speaker 2 high-grade cotton. So, what are you going to do with it?

Speaker 2 I'm going to...

Speaker 2 Frame it? I'm going to treasure it, is what I'm going to do with it. I'm going to be devastating so much.

Speaker 6 Because he would have absolutely worn that if it was just a Cameron Winter album.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I will.

Speaker 2 I'll use it to warm myself in the Premiere Inn because sometimes they forget to give you a spare blanket.

Speaker 6 They do.

Speaker 2 So I will, I have been able to just lay all the towels on top of the bed. Yeah? Yeah.

Speaker 6 And now you've got a t-shirt to help with that.

Speaker 2 A t-shirt is very nice cotton. It is a nice cotton.
Yeah. Very good.
Thank you, Nick.

Speaker 6 Great. Thanks, Nick.

Speaker 2 Good stuff.

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Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Have you had a punk kick crush? Yeah. Because I can see your eyelids.

Speaker 8 I'm not here. I can see your eyelids dropping.

Speaker 2 I'm not here. That's great for the radio.

Speaker 6 Just another hour and a half to record.

Speaker 8 I love that.

Speaker 2 Yes, well, we've got lots of correspondence. This is from.
I know I shouldn't suggest this.

Speaker 2 Have you considered getting into cocaine? It would really help us. I saw a graph about how much cocaine costs in different countries.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like most expensive, I think, in India, where it's like 400 quid a gram.

Speaker 2 And in Bolivia, $6 a gram. Really? Wow.
Yeah. Okay.
So we're all... Should we go there?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 6 I think it's the last thing you or any of us need.

Speaker 2 Have you seen him? Look at his eyelids. He's had a punk kick and now he can't speak.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I don't know. I don't think drugs are the answer.

Speaker 2 I'm going to read about Nikki's work experience. Nikki says.
This is good. Hello, my festive fruitcakes.

Speaker 2 The recent discussion about work experience led me reminiscing about my forced month-long foray into the world of work at the tender age of 14. Let me take you back to the summer of 1992.

Speaker 2 More than welcome. Anyone who wants to take me back to the summer of 1992 is fine.
I was taking my GCSEs, having been moved up a year at school for reasons which are too mundane to be of interest.

Speaker 2 Now, the best thing about the summer after taking your exams is the fact that you get an incredibly long holiday, no responsibilities, and you can spend your time meeting up with friends, having ly-ins, and generally doing as little as possible.

Speaker 2 Not me, though. As a July baby, and with GCSE exams taking place in May and June, I was still 14 when they finished.

Speaker 2 Now, you may not know, but you aren't allowed to leave school after exams unless you are going to turn 16 during the academic year in question. Which most kids doing the GCSEs do.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So this posed a dilemma for my school. They couldn't keep me there as the only student in fifth year, but I couldn't follow my friends in taking the rest of the summer off.

Speaker 2 I had to stay on the school role until the end of term. This is bonkers, Britain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on there?

Speaker 2 I guess because they've moved up a year. Yeah.
They're then caught in a sort of bureaucratic night. He would have turned 16.
I think Kafka would recognise this.

Speaker 2 The solution, find a work experience placement for a month that would keep me busy, but didn't require the school to make any effort to keep me engaged.

Speaker 2 We live in Sussex, and Gatwick Airport is only a short distance away. Through machinations which I had no involvement with, it was agreed that I would spend a month working at the airport.

Speaker 2 On my first day, I turned up at one of the offices, fully prepared for four weeks of photocopying, making tea, and any other mundane tasks to be thrown my way. I wasn't getting paid.

Speaker 2 Oh, and Nikki is with two case, I'm assuming it's

Speaker 2 that's probably a she, probably a she. I don't sure have been getting paid.

Speaker 2 However, it's the following experiences that make me think I truly did have the best work experience in the history of the world.

Speaker 2 One, being a guinea pig for the operations team and being given various contraband items to take through security to see if I got caught.

Speaker 2 And I'm not talking bottles of water here, but bomb-making items.

Speaker 2 And she was 14.

Speaker 2 That's two, on my actual 15th birthday, spending the day with the airport fire brigade and being driven at 80 miles an hour down the sphere runway in a fire engine as they undertook a training drill and being given control of the water hoses.

Speaker 2 That's fantastic. Wow.

Speaker 2 And possibly the best one, being given control of the tennis bats, I don't know their real name, that direct small planes in and directing Phil Collins and Genesis' private plane to their parking lot on the tarmac.

Speaker 2 That's fantastic. Wow.
This is a lot of responsibility it feels for a 14-year-old for a 14-year-old.

Speaker 2 So all in all, although I was having to get up and out of the house every day whilst my mates lounge around doing nothing, I reckon I had the best work experience ever.

Speaker 2 And as a side note, I carried on working at the airport in my university vacations and five years later met my husband there. And now we've been married for 23 years.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's good.

Speaker 6 Love is in the air, you could say, because of Gatwick.

Speaker 2 Making connections. Nice.
You could do that, couldn't you? Yes. Yeah.
That's better than mine.

Speaker 2 Thank you for all the brilliant content this year, especially the last few months. Merry Christmas, Nikki.
Merry Christmas to you, Nikki.

Speaker 2 Nikki had more responsibilities at the airport as a 14-year-old. She'd be getting away with that these days.

Speaker 6 Well, she had more responsibilities than me as a baggage handler who was getting paid to be there at 21 years old.

Speaker 2 Did you get to go on the bats?

Speaker 6 No, I failed a lot of exams. I failed a lot of tests whilst I was there, which meant I didn't even get to ride one of the carts.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 6 I was the only person.

Speaker 2 You failed your cart leader. I failed my car.

Speaker 2 Top speed 5 MPH.

Speaker 6 I was the only person. I didn't realise it was on the day that it was on.

Speaker 2 You were on a come down.

Speaker 6 I probably had been out the night before, John, to be perfectly honest. I was 20.
And we sat in this class. Right, it's your exam today

Speaker 6 to drive the five mile an hour cart. Don't worry, guys.

Speaker 6 Very rare that anyone fails a thing.

Speaker 2 Was it like

Speaker 2 the start of flight with Denzel Washington, where you had to fly the cart inverted?

Speaker 2 And the only reason you were able to do it is because you were so hungover. No,

Speaker 6 what happened was it was 20 to 40 questions, which should have been very easy. I struggled.
I can't lie. I struggled.
I even asked the guy next to me for a couple of the answers.

Speaker 2 He gave me a couple. Oh, you're a late bloomer day.

Speaker 6 And then we got to the end. And.

Speaker 2 Did your parents worry?

Speaker 2 I did all right in exams at that age. I failed your five mile an hour test.

Speaker 6 And I didn't realise that everyone else had prepared to a certain extent.

Speaker 2 And you weren't revised. Exactly.
I just didn't five mile an hour test.

Speaker 6 I didn't realise it was happening for the five mile an hour test. And at the end, the guy looked at me as he was marking.
He's like, look,

Speaker 6 we tend to just actually let this slide, even if you're three or four marks below the threshold we do tend to just let people through because it's this is a pretty basic it's a pretty basic test to make sure that everyone can be mobile around the airport but i can't pass you what what do you remember any of the questions i can no i can't remember any was it like multiple choice yes oh mate

Speaker 6 But I just remember like I kind of played the I wasn't bothered card, you know, oh you were so bothered, weren't you? So bothered. It was so embarrassing.
Dave.

Speaker 2 And I learned my lesson. When I did a real job, I just told Davis, John, this before we started recording.
One of my jobs was to take the minutes in important meetings. Can you imagine that, Dave?

Speaker 2 Yeah, until my boss, my lovely boss Carl, who I'm still friends with, said, Ellis, they're like the David Bowie cut-up lyric writing technique.

Speaker 2 They don't make it. I can't follow this.
And I was there.

Speaker 2 This is from Ian. Really made me laugh.
Hi, Ellis, John, and Dave. Despite my efforts to get work experience, which vaguely aligned with my interests, in 92-93, 1992,

Speaker 2 I was sent to fill in envelopes at the AA Insurance Call Centre in Newcastle. Little did I know that it would be so memorable an afternoon.

Speaker 2 The unforgettable highlight was when Ian Beale, Adam Woodyat,

Speaker 2 phoned up to renew his car insurance.

Speaker 2 All other calls were put on hold.

Speaker 2 The excitement was palpable as hundreds of call centre operatives waited to hear whether it was comprehensive or third-party fire and theft.

Speaker 2 The flashy Cockney chose comprehensive. Cue massive cheers.
Then back to work. Lens.
In the 25 years of my career, since I have never seen an office in such dizzying excitement. Cheers, Ian.

Speaker 6 Fantastic.

Speaker 2 If you work in a call center and you've ever had a famous person

Speaker 2 doing a routine thing, let us know. Yes.
That would fly on commercial radio.

Speaker 2 I remember Michael McIntyre had a very funny routine about being recognized as he was trying to renew his phone contract. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That would be another thing you could do would be office limbs. When a

Speaker 2 something happened in the office.

Speaker 2 Get us back on the limbs.

Speaker 6 That's limbs in the office. That's limbs in the office.

Speaker 2 Okay, so we've got two threads for the new year. Office limbs.
We don't really do text topics anymore. Well, I'm shaking it up.
Get us back on commercial radio days.

Speaker 2 Office limbs. Yeah.
Email us, ellisandjohn at bbc.co.uk.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 famous person on a phone line.

Speaker 6 Now, the famous person on the phone line.

Speaker 2 Oh, someone's done it before. No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 6 Well, it's tricky because we just need to be careful that we're not giving away anything that's personal information of the famous person.

Speaker 2 All right. Don't give me Sue Townsend's long card number.
Sue Townsend.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Where did that come from? I was trying to think of the name of the woman, Sue Barker. No, Sue, who's in the royal family.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Plays the mum.

Speaker 2 Oh. She's from Liverpool.
Yeah. And I can't remember her name.
Is it a Sue?

Speaker 2 It's.

Speaker 2 I don't think it is.

Speaker 2 It is. It's Sue Tomlinson.
It is. It's Risky Tomlinson.
It's Sue.

Speaker 2 She's one of the best actors of this fair country. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Sue. Johnston.

Speaker 2 Sue Johnston. SJ.

Speaker 2 Oh, Sue Sunshine Burgs.

Speaker 2 Adrian Moore, very big. Yes.

Speaker 2 Is she still alive, Dave? Could you look that up for me, please? Look into that, please, Dave. Yes, is.
Good. Is an English actress.
And Sue Townsend. What? Is Sue Townsend still alive? Dunno.

Speaker 2 Hold on. I don't think Sue Townsend is.
Ah.

Speaker 6 But. Was an English writer.

Speaker 2 Despite her sad passing, we still don't want to reveal. personal information about her long card number so it still makes sense because that would be inappropriate yeah um Um, I think it's fat.

Speaker 6 Woodyat is not sat there going, How dare you let everyone know that I'm fully common?

Speaker 2 No, but if you said Woodyat is with this company, he drives this car, Woodyat's with Frizelle. He's got six points on his license.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 he made modifications to a Seat lay-on that he didn't declare,

Speaker 2 thus rendering his insurance void. Yes, and he claims it's social use only.
Yeah. But we know he drives other actors to pantomimes in his car.
And he drove into a petrol pump in France. Yeah, but he

Speaker 2 hasn't sold anyone.

Speaker 6 He says he parks it on the drive, but we know he doesn't.

Speaker 2 He has on the drive.

Speaker 2 Street parking.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, office limbs and famous phone, a famous phone line on a phone line. Famous phone line on a phone line.

Speaker 2 When I worked in an office, in a big office, it was the custom that if it was your birthday, you'd have to buy donuts for everyone.

Speaker 2 And then we'd all get a little email, or sometimes on the intercom, they'd say, It's Mark in Finance's birthday today, so there's donuts for everyone in the office kitchen.

Speaker 2 And people would get up, regardless of what they were doing, and they would sprint to the kitchen. Yeah, it was a race, a race against time.

Speaker 6 Food is such a reasonable way of a big company raising morale.

Speaker 2 Because food just like the doughnuts must have cost like a fiver for a multi-million pound company.

Speaker 6 But in terms of emotional currency, it's huge.

Speaker 2 I was in a film with Rafe Spall once, and we were filming, and on the Friday, he bought crepes for everyone. There was a crepe van, and he just paid for it for all the custom crew.

Speaker 2 And you're like, you're a good bloke. And I, now I'm loving this.

Speaker 6 I really like Rafe Spall.

Speaker 2 He's a lovely man.

Speaker 6 He looks like a lovely man.

Speaker 2 He's a really nice guy. That's why I bought breakfast this morning to lay the seed of possibility that I might be a good guy

Speaker 2 in the mind of all our friends. And then that will be eroded slowly over the next calendar year.
But next Christmas. Next Christmas breakfast, next December, and then we'll do it again.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is from Graham Joseph.

Speaker 2 Graham says to the Pied Pipers of Podcasting, Panash, after hearing your recent discussion on whether producer Dave's name should appear in the title of the show, it's got me thinking as to whether it's time for Dave to spread his wings and create a spin-off podcast where his name would be emblazoned within the title.

Speaker 2 Although the spin-off series has had a very tricky history, think Joey from Friends, The Green Green Grass from Only Fools and Horses, and The Cleveland Show from Family Guy, I'm sure the Mercurial Masterman could break the mold of this legacy of mediocrity with

Speaker 2 his own project.

Speaker 2 Whether he chooses to go with a simple title such as The Dave Masterman Show, something that is partridge-esque such as A Master Craft with a Master Man, or just a wild wacky title like Zoinks, it's Dave Masterman.

Speaker 2 Yes, please, that one please. I'm sure producer Dave could have a good crack at making a success of the spin-off format.

Speaker 2 And if he doesn't, then he can always slink his way back onto the mothership of Ellis and John on reduced pay and a bruised ego. I like the sound of that.

Speaker 2 Is this going to be your Biggles soundtrack, Dave?

Speaker 2 Because John Deacon from Queen,

Speaker 2 his

Speaker 2 only solo project was the Biggles soundtrack. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's that like?

Speaker 2 I have never heard it.

Speaker 2 There you go. Have you not? I've never heard the Biggles soundtrack.
Don't like Queenie.

Speaker 6 Why'd you hate John Deacon?

Speaker 2 I thought that's John's.

Speaker 2 That's not ours. I don't think he thought that.
That's the charm. The guy who drove the postliner under pressure to like him, do you? I do like him, but I'm respecting his privacy.

Speaker 2 I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on the troublesome spin-off series and whether an Ellis John spin-off could finally break the long-established spin-off hoodoo. Kind regards, Graham Joseph.

Speaker 2 Okay. It's Ellis and John Uncloaked with Dave Masterman.

Speaker 6 I would call it Live, Laugh, Masterman.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 6 Which is like Live, Laugh, Love.

Speaker 2 But without any sort of rhyme or similar cadence.

Speaker 6 And it's just about living. It's about giggling away.

Speaker 6 And it's about enjoying life. And it's about, you know, grasping life.

Speaker 2 It's Live, Laugh, Last. Grasping Life.
It's Live Laugh Man. It's about Live Masterman.

Speaker 6 No, it's Live, Laugh, Masterman.

Speaker 6 And I get guests on.

Speaker 2 That's not going to cover the cost of. It's not going to to be visualised.

Speaker 6 Well, I bet the domain name's not taken.

Speaker 2 I bet it's not.

Speaker 2 But in all seriousness, Dave, what would your spin-off, what would you want?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you've got skills. No, I know but...
I could present a podcast. I don't want to present it.

Speaker 2 Welcome to Kagu Show. Yeah.

Speaker 6 It comes back to the point of me not. I don't want my name

Speaker 6 above the door because I don't want to be. I'm not a presenter.
I'm a facilitator.

Speaker 8 We're doing Office Limbs on Live, Love, Masterman. Yeah, I nicked it from Alice and John, but they're not listening anyway.

Speaker 2 Don't matter.

Speaker 2 If a magical sort of Dickensian patron came into your life. Patron? No.
I'll get it. But not a million miles away and said,

Speaker 2 your great-great-uncle left me a behest in your will or whatever.

Speaker 2 Basically said, I'm going to pay you 500 grand a year

Speaker 2 to present

Speaker 2 a Manchester breakfast show. Oh, okay.
Would you do that?

Speaker 6 Yes, for 500 grand a year. Yes, John, I probably would.
Okay.

Speaker 6 And I'd figure it out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's six till nine.

Speaker 2 Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, unfortunately.

Speaker 6 Oh, Fridays aren't different. Okay.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I would. At the start of every show, I'd just say, cards on the table.
I'll have a pen left to me in the will.

Speaker 6 I don't really want to be doing this, but I'm going to get 500 grand by completing the year.

Speaker 2 I would love it. Here's the Pratalis.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's your first jingle. It's an indie station, and you can pick the songs.

Speaker 6 Oh, now we are talking. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 I could seg between a couple of indie bangers.

Speaker 2 The rest of the presenters would hate you.

Speaker 2 Why is that guy on 425 grand a year more than us?

Speaker 2 Why'd you get a bent lead to the studio?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I've got little design. I enjoy this.
I enjoy this role where you two are fantastic at what you do and I can chip in a little bit.

Speaker 6 This is the perfect gig for me.

Speaker 2 I'm going to listen to Dave's breakfast radio show. I'm going to listen to Dave's breakfast.

Speaker 6 Well, there's the demos from when I, well, there's the shows from when I used to throw overnights on XFL.

Speaker 2 I'd never do

Speaker 2 a breakfast show because I'm not very good at morning. No, you're not.
But

Speaker 2 were John to leave me slash retire slash finally get annoyed enough with me to just

Speaker 2 drive to Holland

Speaker 2 and not come back. I might, this is what you need to know.
Bear this in mind, because I might forget this. I display annoyance in myself by getting annoyed with other people.

Speaker 6 Yeah, no, that is true, and it's worth remembering.

Speaker 2 It's really crucial. Because it doesn't feel like that in the moment.
No, it doesn't.

Speaker 6 It feels like we are horrendous people, but we're not LOs.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it keeps me on my toes in a mad way, slash ruins by confidence. But yeah, I would go back.
You're not the problem. I would go back to music, radio.

Speaker 2 I'd love to. I wouldn't want to do what Nikki Campbell does.

Speaker 6 No, he's very good at doing that. He's very good at that.

Speaker 2 I couldn't do that.

Speaker 2 Campbell's unreal. Unreal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unreal.
But I could never do it. But I mean, I could present a music radio show, I think.
Yeah. Keep that light, office limbs.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much for all of your Christmas thank yous to us. And we do read all your emails, but our little festive egos can't

Speaker 2 have another visit from Santa's compliment sleigh

Speaker 2 because there are bells all over the roof of my mind

Speaker 2 and uh hoof prints in my cranium yeah and I've you know I need to go to hospital but we do appreciate them a lot yes um final word on uh Alison John's alternative Christmas playlist available now on Bib Cen

Speaker 2 I don't know how it's done, so tell me how it's found.

Speaker 6 Thanks for asking. There's a couple of ways.

Speaker 6 Go to the Ellis James and John Robbins feed.

Speaker 6 It slips down a little bit, obviously, because we released it at the beginning of December, but six or seven.

Speaker 2 I need to make it an effort.

Speaker 2 Six or 10 things?

Speaker 6 You should see the email chain.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 6 Trying to figure out how to keep it closer to the top.

Speaker 2 It's a tricky one. It can't be pinned like a tweet or a

Speaker 2 tweet. It needs to be, it needs to have like digital oil injected into it so that it floats to the top of the water of the feed.
One way of putting it, we mentioned that in the email.

Speaker 2 So, can you guess? I've been reading, I've been make this to be like digital oil. Yeah, I've been reading a lot about AI.
Can you get AI to look into that? Yes, okay, I'll get it.

Speaker 2 Like, what's digital oil?

Speaker 2 That's the first question. And how do you inject it into a podcast to make it float, rise to the top of the feed,

Speaker 6 or gas, I suppose, just turn it into the case?

Speaker 2 Or liquid gas, or liquid gas. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, actually, no, gas, gas.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Not liquid gas.
Just turn it into digital oil, Dave. Okay.

Speaker 2 It's as simple as that.

Speaker 6 Can I just deliver a message with clarity for once, please?

Speaker 2 Well, I guess Sams haven't. Yeah, the problem is there's no clear message.

Speaker 2 I can't tell people how to find it. I'm doing it.
Okay, all right. I'm doing it.
It'd be quiet. We'd be quiet.

Speaker 6 Go to the Ellis James and John Robbins BBC Sounds feed.

Speaker 2 With the right.

Speaker 6 Just search Ellis and John. That's quite simple.

Speaker 6 Crucially, six or seven episodes down because we don't have access to digital oil.

Speaker 2 Imagine, though, Dave, imagine you're someone who hates me and Ellis, but you are interested in Christmas music. Glad you are.

Speaker 2 So what you're going to do is skip through the bits where we talk and listen to the songs. Yeah.
Because you don't, for some reason in your life, have any other way of accessing music. Okay.

Speaker 2 So then what do they do? They're not going to our feed because they don't like us and the sight of us makes them sick. Yeah, they they hate john they pity me

Speaker 6 uh as a combo they think we're abhorrent well it doesn't matter where they go and find the episode they'll still be having to do that so i don't i don't think you're example they're in bbc sounds yes how do they find it without going on our feed cutting through the thank you got it uh search christmas music in the little search box and that works is it it's yes a lot a lot of the time

Speaker 2 And then if you scroll down far enough. Yeah, because

Speaker 6 that's the whole playground of Christmas playlists, John.

Speaker 2 And we are in there.

Speaker 6 You better believe we're in there.

Speaker 2 And for a while, they wouldn't let us in the playground, would they? Because they said we were naughty boys.

Speaker 2 Okay, anyway.

Speaker 2 You have to be banned from your own employer's playground.

Speaker 6 Search Christmas music, Ellis and John's alternative, or just search Ellis and John's alternative Christmas playlist as well.

Speaker 2 Or just listen to your own favourite songs. Yeah, just put a vinyl on.
Or go on Spotify. No.

Speaker 2 Or tidal.

Speaker 6 It is a good, It's a good hour's worth of picks by you two, and it's a really good set of tracks. And it'd be lovely to play as you're roasting your turkey on Christmas Day.

Speaker 2 Well, this is from. Search Christmas Music.

Speaker 2 Don't do that. And I might listen to

Speaker 2 Make Me a Mixtape from the 11th of Feb 2025. It's a good series.
We used to do that. And

Speaker 2 I might listen to the early music show by Esther Ban Salas, Christmas in Cuba.

Speaker 2 But I'm certainly not going to listen to Ellis and John.

Speaker 2 It's not there. Oh, if you search

Speaker 2 Christmas Music, Ellis and John. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yes. Christmas Music, Christmas Indies, 64 mins, 24th of Nov, 2025.
Yeah. That's the first hit.

Speaker 1 It's that simple.

Speaker 2 Anyway, this is a lovely message from Martin. Martin says, hello, my princes of the universe.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 2 It's a queen reference. I've just listened to your alternative Christmas playlist.
What an absolute treat. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to your selections.

Speaker 2 Some I'm familiar with, and some were new to me. If someone were to ask me to describe the seamless yin and yang of the Ellison John experience, I would suggest that they listen to this.

Speaker 2 Your choices seem to sum you up perfectly and speak to the effortless way that you interact. Unless, of course, I've just fallen for the showbiz relationship you've created.

Speaker 2 Maybe at the end of each recording, without a word, you both immediately don a full-length fur coat and sunglasses, and then stomp out of the studio, followed by an entourage of personal assistants to waiting Rolls-Royces without even a glance in each other's direction.

Speaker 2 I hope this isn't the case. Kind regards, Martin.

Speaker 2 And then I have been given a script of how to tell you how to get to the show, which I think we've now made clear. Very clear.
The songs on offer. Johnny Jayer's songs.

Speaker 2 Nico Case, Christmas card from Hooker in Minneapolis, which is a Tom Waits cover. Half Man, Half Biscuit, it's cliché to be cynical at Christmas.

Speaker 2 Bonnie Prince Billy, then the Letting Go, Linda Sfarn, Winter Song, Mogwai, Christmas song, and Van Morrison, Snow in San and Salmo. Ellis.

Speaker 2 The waitresses, Christmas rapping.

Speaker 2 Lowe, just like Christmas. James and Bradfield last Christmas.

Speaker 6 December Magic again. Good.

Speaker 2 Granddardian Parsons in A Winter Wonderland. Jeremy Casablanca says, I wish it was Christmas today.

Speaker 2 And I really, really, really wish I'd chosen Christmas Eve by the Gorkies. And I don't know how that brain disease is not a brain disease.
Yeah, it's the brain disease.

Speaker 2 The Teenage Fan Club covered Christmas Eve by the Gorkies and Rad Mack played it the other week, but didn't mention that it was a Gorkies cover.

Speaker 2 But Teenage Fan Club did a lovely version, which is very similar, very faithful to the original.

Speaker 6 Can I recommend one Christmas track? Yes. You just need to go and listen to and probably cry to.
Tim Minchin's White Wine in the Sun is the most beautiful Christmas song ever.

Speaker 2 The Minchmeister Journal.

Speaker 6 The Minchmeister.

Speaker 2 Great. Yeah, it's all there.

Speaker 6 It's all there.

Speaker 2 It's all there. And we will be back again before Christmas.
The next episode before Christmas will be be our Christmas cracker. It will.
Where Ellis and I present our choicest cuts of leg and breast.

Speaker 2 Including all the crispy skin. And

Speaker 2 it's the best bit. When the parsnips come out of the oven.
The ones at the top that have gone nice and crispy, we give to you, the you, the listener. And we, like mums worldwide,

Speaker 2 have the slightly soggy ones that are greasy and haven't got any crispy bits. But we don't whinge.
We don't whinge. We don't whinge.
We repress that. It comes out in other ways.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, usually around December the 28th when there's tears. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So you're welcome. We'll also have the burnt Yorkshire pudding.

Speaker 2 and the bit of cranberry sauce at the bottom that's also got bread sauce in it because someone's used the same spoon but we don't whinge we repress it and let it come out in other ways fine i didn't need any turkey anyway yeah oh top tip and this is something i've only learned this year.

Speaker 2 Don't say, do you need any help in there?

Speaker 2 Go in there and say, trash the place.

Speaker 2 Say, what can I do to help? Yeah.

Speaker 6 Oh, that's nice.

Speaker 2 And you don't have to have Christmas dinner. You don't have to have a Christmas.

Speaker 2 I know someone, and it was the moment of the cooking, and she got very stressed one year. And her husband said, Just F it.
Let's just have a pizza.

Speaker 2 And now they have another pizza because she can't cook. Why not? I don't mind that at all.

Speaker 6 It's a lovely analogy, John. Could I mention a couple of things that are actually happening on the Christmas cracker episode? Yes.

Speaker 2 Great. Mention a couple of the crispy parsnips.

Speaker 6 Okay, well, we've got a couple of crispy parsnips in the shape of curmode and mayo. Join us for the Christmas cracker because as much as it is.

Speaker 2 No, that's not what I said it was then. When's our best of out? Because that's what I was talking about.

Speaker 6 That was the analogy.

Speaker 2 The Christmas cracker is just you will get all of the parsnips, some of the margaritas. Oh, John, I didn't know that.
Did you understand what you were saying? Well, you said Christmas cracker.

Speaker 6 Yeah, the Christmas cracker is different to the best of.

Speaker 2 No, we always call our best of Ellison John's Christmas cracker. No, we don't.
This is Ellison John's Christmas 500th show, Best of, but it's not a Best of. Dave? No.

Speaker 2 No. Usually I'm with you.
You are kidding me. You're with me.
When you're with John, I thought that best that he just ran through. I thought you were asking us.

Speaker 2 to talk about the best of which is where John's what's panas in English parsnips

Speaker 2 analogy came in. Yeah, got it.
No,

Speaker 6 there's two separate shows.

Speaker 2 The two separate shows. A, that's news to me.

Speaker 6 It really shouldn't be because we've recorded both of them.

Speaker 2 We've got them both in the back.

Speaker 6 None of this should be a surprise.

Speaker 2 No, we haven't. We've read your WhatsApps.
We haven't recorded one yet. We've recorded a little bit of one.

Speaker 2 We've already done Kumuda Mayo.

Speaker 2 Because of their commitments. This is a mess.

Speaker 2 It's a mess. It's a mess.

Speaker 6 But the exciting thing is, there's two great shows to look forward to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and one of them is just the best parsnips, and one of them is all the parsnips as they come out. Yeah.

Speaker 6 So there's a Christmas cracker show, which is your next full up after this,

Speaker 6 which is Kermo de Mayo. There's a special little guest from Lapland.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 6 There's a couple of other little bits and bobs because it's also the celebration of our 500th episode.

Speaker 2 It's a mad coincidence, like when there's a solar eclipse on a leap year or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 So that's the Christmas cracker. It's all new stuff.
It's all belting. Yeah.
And then the week after, which is uh,

Speaker 6 I want to say the 30th, the 30th of December is a best of just before we head into

Speaker 6 the Christmas cracker. That's the best of Ellis and John.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's the 30th, yes, not Christmas Day, no, no, good, and I knew that. I'm just, I'm trying to explain to the listeners who might not know yet.
Christmas Day

Speaker 7 is the broadcast version.

Speaker 2 Do you know what? It's very useful to have Ellis here for this because he is essentially the listener.

Speaker 2 He's in complete ignorance of what's what's happening. I know, I know.
He's hearing this for the first time. Yeah.
I'm a dog being shown a card trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Press.

Speaker 2 I don't know how it works. Yeah.

Speaker 6 But I love it. Press play on the podcast feed, see what you get.

Speaker 2 Yeah, for God's sake, don't try to find any of this on BBC Sounds.

Speaker 2 You just never get there.

Speaker 2 You'll end up listening to like BBC Bucks.

Speaker 2 The shipping forecast.

Speaker 6 Press play on Alice and John and tune into Five Live Over Christmas for pity's own sake because you might get the playlist that we did, which is also on BBC Sounds.

Speaker 2 Also, it's the only radio station, I believe. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 6 The rest of it is mess. It's a mess.

Speaker 2 The rest of it is slop. Apart from radio 4, 1, 2, 3, 6 extra.

Speaker 2 No, no, 6 music. Six music.
Radio 1 extra. And 5 Live Sports Extra.
This is bad. This is bad.

Speaker 6 Because I don't think we've really cleared up any messaging there there at all.

Speaker 2 I think people get the drift, it just appears on their phone. You don't say any of this, it's just on your phone.
And if it's not, you don't mind. And if it is, it's great.

Speaker 6 Okay, really quickly then. Christmas cracker just before Christmas, best of just before the brand new year.
Yep. In terms of the Ellis and John podcast feed, two belters.

Speaker 2 Bye-bye.

Speaker 7 At the BBC, we go further so you see clearer.

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