#498 - Chilli Rice, Grieving Upside Down and Thames!

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Hello, listeners.

You might notice a slight pep in my step this week as in order to pull my weight on this show and having nothing else to do because my history podcast records in the evening and Mike Burbins is too busy promoting Mammoth to record a distant pod, this week.

What's that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Mammoth is a BBC show available iPlayer.
Yeah, but now everyone's aware that you do two other podcasts. That's not even its name.
Congratulations.

That's not even its name. It's called...
Well, I'm not going to say it. I want you to the people.
This week I attended a residential course on how to unlock my creativity.

For years, I've marvelled at how my comedian peers have managed to keep things so fresh. As contemporaries, such as James A.

Custer and Ed Gamble find new, exciting ways to ask American celebrities I haven't heard of whether they like sandwiches or not.

And every three years or so, John Robbins writes a show about how his bird has left him.

Now, I must admit, I was nervous as I pulled up to the country house in rural Sussex, but my nerves immediately evaporated, as who could I see sitting on a sofa in the foyer, but none other than Adrian Childs.

Adrian was using his copy of yesterday's Daily Telegraph to doodle a picture. When I glanced over, I realised his doodle was of an alien prison guard with massive breasts.

What are you doing here? I asked, delighted to see Five Lives Jewel and the Crown. Adrian pointed at the alien's impressive cleavage.
Well, I'm always doing these.

I'm stuck in a bit of a creative room. Sometimes the alien prison ward will have a big bum, but I tend to concentrate on the chests.

And the guardian of Piedfist helped me with my columns, as believe it or not, Chat GPT's ideas started repeating themselves. I've basically finished the internet.
Oh, well, right.

Well, I felt stuck in a creative rut myself, but John's advice was to move to the Alps, which isn't very practical. And Dave said that if I take drugs, I should just take more of them.

We were shown into a creativity hub to begin the session. Pam, the instructor, wanted us to unlock our creativity by encouraging us to think like children.

So I built a den and Adrian drank six pints of choco milk and showed us his scabs.

It was certainly fun, but neither of us was doing any writing and everyone else was working hard at their laptops. Pam realised she had a work cut out.

The next exercise involved taking us out of our comfort zones to prompt different ways of thinking, so we had to look deep into each other's eyes and just laugh uncontrollably before dancing in front of the mirror and then immediately writing down an idea for a column.

After I'd regained my breath from the dancing, I looked at Adrian's pad. He'd just repeatedly written the word death.
Pam looked crestfallen. We were sent into a breakout room for a quick chat.

I'm afraid I haven't struggled with creatives like this since I worked with a young graffiti artist from Stockport called Dexie, whose graffiti was entirely genitals based and he wanted to move into different areas.

Did that work? Well, I told him to read the artist's way, but when he gave me back my copy, he drawn some truly awful awful stuff on it. All right.

I looked at Adrian. He looked at me.
Well, I might write a column about this, he said. I might mention this in my intro, I muttered.

Do you want to borrow my copy of The Artist's Way? said Pam. And she remembered Adrian's copy of the Daily Telegraph.
Actually, Adrian, buy it yourself. Nice.
There we go. I'm in.
I feel different.

I feel revitalized. I feel energized.
I feel inspired. I feel motivated.
Yeah, how many people were on the course?

It was me, Adrian, and six people

who I didn't really get on with, if I'm honest. Yeah.
They were sort of too into it. Hit me with your three big ideas since the creativity course.
TikTok the musical.

I keep saying this. Yeah, I'm not going to write it, but it's going to be absolutely.
It's only 15 seconds long.

It's 100 quid a ticket. Yeah, but it's going to be absolutely massive.
The advantages for theatres is that they can just program it alongside their regular musicals. Yes, yes, yes.

Watch it on your phone in the fight. Yeah.
What's it about TikTok the musical? You start enjoying it. Well, that's the great thing.

It's about how social media is taking over everything and it's bad for politics.

But in short, bike-size. I've never actually been on TikTok before

at this stage, I'm guessing. It's not as short, it's not as bite-sized as you think, is it not? No.
They actually, they're starting to engage more with the longer videos.

Because people are watching films in quarters on TikTok, which is such a ridiculous thing.

Because occasionally people send me football TikToks and I've got to ask them to screen record them because I can't watch them because I don't have the app, which makes me feel extremely elderly.

And my other idea is: I'm going to jump the Grand Canyon on a motorbike, but I'm going to plan it really thoroughly so I definitely don't die.

I suppose that's creative in a way, creative and impossible, and dangerous. Evil can evil try there in a way, horribly wrong.
And your third idea, my third idea is

windows

that are also mirrors

which exists

in police interrogation

but in bedrooms for the elderly. So you can see into an elderly person's bedroom, but they can't see you.
Yeah.

And who's buying that and why?

Nasty people are buying it. And we're selling them to weed out the nasty people.
Okay.

So proof of purchase is then sent to the police? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're immediately nicked.
Okay.

You might.

You're nicked. Done.
Because you're wanting to look at old people. Because you want to look at old people.
There you go. Those are my ideas.
Do you know what I think's happened here, Dave?

Go on, John. That Ellis has expended his new creativity on the intro, which was very good.
Yeah. And that's him out for the next couple of hours.
Months.

Good. I had my first taste of power this week.
Did you really? Yeah. Are you on the PTA board? No, sort of, you're in the right ballpark.
I was one of the volunteers on my son's school trip. No.

We went to monument because they're in year two and they're studying the Great Fire of London. Ah, so monument is there to commemorate the Great Fire of London.
You can climb it.

Well, that's what we did. And it's,

it was, you know, it's 61 meters, I think, 311 steps. And if you put it on its side towards Pudding Lane, that's the distance

from where the monument is to where the Great Fire of London started. Pudding Lane is still actually there, which which I hadn't realised, but it doesn't, obviously.

It's like the side of some office buildings.

So we turned up, dropped the kids off, they had registration, and then the adults were ferried into the room. And then the teacher was like, Right, what do we do?

And the kids were like, listen to our assigned adults. What do we do when they tell us to do something? We do it.
And I was like, this

feels good. And you were an assigned adult.
I was an assigned adult.

I was looking after four kids, my son, and three of his friends. They had to do everything I said.

Did they wear high-vis and hold hands? They did hold hands. This is the cutest sight in the whole world.
Do you see what it was like?

When you are ferrying 30 kids to Monument and you're walking across London Bridge, adults who are

harassed and walk into the office, they love it. Yeah.
Because it's just such a sweet sight because they are all holding hands and they've got to stay in the line and all that kind of stuff.

It's a bit like, have you ever been on a stag to in fancy dress many yeah

like i was a fancy dress stagdew cynic yeah and then the first time i did it and i walked into a pub in fancy dress you're actually quite popular and people have fun with you yes for a while for a while and

it then depends very much on the police then it's venue dependent i would say but i take quite a lot of pride in on the stagdos where you're dressed up as something prove them wrong for crying out loud yes i've never dressed up as anything need a decent set of lads that, yes, we're dressed up because we are because we are enjoying life, but also Super Mario is helping an old lady across the road.

It's a lovely paradox, and it's quite a nice thing to actually, if you get it right, people absolutely love you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're expecting the worst.

That guy dressed as one of the minions, is a really good bloke.

Yeah, and I just, even though I was responsible, I just made them laugh for hours.

At about midday, just before we had lunch, I was thinking to myself, I'm having a really good gig here. Wow.

This is good stuff.

I was asking for high fives, they'd give me high fives, and each time I'd pretend I was in agony. Really? It's good stuff.
Yes. Yeah, yeah.
Asking for a fist bump. That's classic.
Classic.

Asking for a fist bump, they'd fist bump me. I'd pretend I was in agony.
Yeah.

Because it makes them feel strong. Makes them feel strong.
I'm like, how on earth are you doing that? And they're hurting the assigned adults.

Is this a good tip for me if ever I'm around school kids just start screaming and writhing on the ground? Yeah, you've got to ask for the high five first. Right.
Otherwise, they'll think you're ill.

Okay. No, no, no.
Kids love that. Up to about the age of eight or nine.
They love it.

I was also pretending that I was in their class. I was saying that I was a new kid from year two from a different.

Hi, I'm Ellis. I'm new in year two.
I'm from and moved here from another school. It's confusing for them.
They were like, no, you are.

You're Steph Start. I was like, no, no.
It's good humor. But when we were walking in a line, there was a little bit of the sort of sergeant major coming.
Come on, let's close the gap. Close the gap.

Yes. And they were listening to me, Dave.
Were they? They were listening to me. And then we walked up Monument and it's 311 steps.
Obviously, this all six years of age.

And it took quite a while. My legs were trembling by the time we got to the top.
And one of the little girls I was looking after, we got to the top. And she said, Can I have a drink?

And I said, No, you've left your bag at the bottom. That was the rule.
And she went, Oh,

you have to go back down. She was not quite, but she was like, Oh, man.
I need a drink, man. Yeah.
I was like, Look, you can see St. Paul's and you can see all this stuff.

She was like, Yeah, but I need a drink. I was like, okay.

You didn't tell her about the hydration myth.

No, I've got a friend called John who doesn't believe it who drinks twice a year.

I'd have been in there. First off, kids, hydration is a myth.
All your bottles in the Thames now. We didn't have water in the 80s and we were fine.

Next, I've got a very depressing fact about Monument that I'm going to try really hard not to tell you, but it is going to come out at some point. Yes.

No. Homes.
Who wants a curry? And we're watching the Goonies on the Bus. Yeah, I'd tell you one thing, kids, pat lynches have come on since the 80s.
Yeah.

Apart from in my house where they're still extremely 80s. Are they? One of the

girls had sushi.

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the Thames.
Straight in the Thames. No water, no sushi.
No sushi in the Thames. Yes.

He had cucumber.

But...

The central component of the cucumber was carrot in a heart shape. Thames.

That's quite cool. That's in the Thames.

You're having a cheese and pickle sandwich, Space Raiders, and a break.

A cheese sandwich and a bug of Watsit. And I thought, I'm in an 80s space and everyone else has moved.
One girl had pastenothermosis. Thames!

It's in the Thames.

I'm sorry.

You can't put all this stuff in the Thames.

Terrible example. And then these kids,

people could go mudlarking in 100 years' time, couldn't they? They're like, what's this? What's a path? Find a heart-shaped carrot inside a cucumber. Use the work of the great John Robbins.
Yes.

Throwing everyone's kids.

You used to throw these into the Thames. Where are your pogs? Where are your football stickers? Where are your conkers, etc.? Conkers are banned from school.
School's in the Thames.

I think that's right, isn't it? I don't think they're allowed conker fights anymore.

I don't know. My son collects conkers, but more to have them than to play with them.

Which is also fine. Yeah, he just likes them at the top of them in a nice way.
I'm not sure I should be involved in school hierarchies. You don't need to be.
I know. So I should stop applying.

I really should, because the first question in an interview always gets me, what's your connection to the school? Yeah.

I'm just a concerned bystander that's worried about school lunches, lunchbox content,

water. I have huge concerns about the amount of water we're putting in our kids.

And I want to go back to the 80s

when Britain had a bit of power abroad.

We didn't even have water in my school on School Sports Day that was in the summer. Exactly.
Yeah, and it was...

I got sunburned so bad on Sports Day that it's given me skin problems that have plagued me to today.

And in fairness, I would rather that hadn't happened. Of course.

I got sunburned to a crisp on a school sports day. Yeah.
Like I was sort of scarlet red, and everyone told me I looked really healthy. And I thought, this is not.

This is sounding like one of those bad podcasts, isn't it? No, this is my kind of stuff. What do you mean?

Well, like one of those podcasts where men say that things were better in the 80s when there was no health and safety and everyone was hateful. Oh,

a nostalgia pod though. And being semi-light-hearted about Thamesing everything.
Yeah, no, we understood that part. We understood that.
It's important to eat veg. Oh, absolutely.

Thanks, John. Big time.

Good stuff.

Well, what have I done? I danced with Dave. We had a 4pm curry that almost ended in an absolute catastrophe.
Oh, yes.

A couple of mistakes there. We went for a 4pm Christmas curry last Friday, didn't we?

And I was like, keep it mild, John. And then you...
Keep it mild. And what did you order? Chili rice.

Chili rice. Which is rice with raw chilies.
Full of raw chilies. Raw chilies chopped up.
And almost came a cropper on the overground. Yeah, quite quickly after the meal, if I remember.

It was almost instant. What did you mean by came a cropper? Well, it was chili.
It was my first experience of chili rice. Oh, you never had it before?

No, because I've never seen it before, because I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist and it's not a thing. But like when my brain...
Which were they? Do you know? They were those small green ones. Yeah.

The like little tiny finger chilies.

Scotch bonnet kind of stuff. No, the long, thin sort of

Asian slash Thai one. So it's a rice full of long thinnies.
Yeah, but all chopped up. It was so good though.
It was so good. It was nice.
Did you have it as well? Of course I did.

How were you on the fine? Yeah, fine.

It was.

Was I fine? No.

Traditional reaction to it.

Traditional reaction. Which is

mine was an extreme reaction. Yeah, you were further along.

What do you remember when you ate that Chinese and it was full of chilies?

and you were going for a nice walk around. Regents Park, yeah, nearly had to close the park,

it was awful.

So I've just got to, I just can't resist hot food. I'm with you, we just can't.
We are kindred spirits in that respect. If you put chili rice on a menu, I will order it.

If you put chili before anything on a menu, I will order it.

I hate to depress you.

Is your response to or and reaction to chili getting worse with age? I don't think so. Well, I remember you having the foul before the flight.
Yeah, but

the flight was fine. The flight was fine.
It used to be so mixed up with booze, though. I would think it was the chilies.

It was the eight pints and about half a bottle of avocado. Yeah.

Jesus, Louise. God, that cormor's really playing out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I shouldn't have had the madras.
God, this school curry's hot. Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd better have a martini to sort of calm my stomach down. Lemon raisins in

this school canteen curry.

So is it getting worse with age or you don't know? I don't think it is, no. Why is that depressing? Come in the cropper.
You know, say John lives to a ripe older age. You don't want his

chili love to be tempered by the fact that it leads to negative consequences. I mean, I don't think you find many people in their 90s eating chili rice.

I think you're inevitably, your system maybe gets a bit less tolerant of extremes as you get older. Yeah, I'm always I'm always curious about that.

But then I guess people who live in countries where they do have more chilies in their food as a staple carry on for their whole life and it's meant to be very good for your stomach, bizarrely. Is it?

Yeah. Great.
Should we have a curry right now? I'd love to see that. My mouth's watering myself into a curry again.

But I've got to drive to Nottingham and I absolutely, and I've said this before, but I cannot have a curry and order chili rice before driving to Nottingham. Not great advice.

Could you have a milder curry and eat it on your lap in the car? I think I probably could. Or I brought my

kippie cup so I could get one blended

sip at it throughout the journey. Or you could just with rice in one of the cup holders.
Or just pour the sauce into the kippie cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, good stuff.
Okay, let's do that.

All right, then

you need a driver. You need to become more successful.
And then you can have a driver, then you can eat a curry. Like Freddie Mercury.

Yeah, and then you can have a curry on your lap in the back seat on the way to your gigs. Yeah, I think think he left a hundred grand to his driver.

Don't play to him.

It's mad to think.

I mean, obviously, Freddie Mercury is very wealthy, but I think his entire estate when he died was probably worth, in today's terms, about like 20 million. Okay.

You think like Taylor Swift is worth a billion? Yeah. It's crazy how the sort of the cream has got thicker and thicker on the top of the milk bottle of the bottom.
Which is becoming weaker.

But it's changed as well because that's not from albums because i imagine the majority of his money will have been from albums live tours as well yeah no they only broke even on their last live tour queen that's a good fact

and i endorse you telling us that fact whereas like taylor swift's making i don't know 800 million from a tour or whatever it is it is insane amounts she's just released a brand new dock which i need to watch tonight actually on disney all about the tour which will just earn her another bill i know another bill another bill in the bank the logistics of the tour and the financial watch it No, it's the bat.

It's the...

Data going through spreadsheets with the tour manager and a promoter. And a promoter saying we've had to book you into an IBIS for this one.
So how to fill in a risk.

There's a rugby match on in Cardiff and all the hotels that were booked at it.

Okay. What should we do? Should we do a Cummry Connection? We better, Dave.
Let's end the year as we mean to go on. That's

the city are crying out for it.

And also, we've confirmed our first sale of the Ellison John Predator range.

Merch for monsters, it's merch for monsters, so we'd better ask the question on everybody's lips, including the police.

Why are you wearing a t-shirt that says that?

And play the Cymric connection.

It's another Cymru connection. Ellis thinks his tactics are sheer perfection,

but his questions have one direction.

Where did did you go to school?

Do you know the Philippines? No.

Come on, mate. You must do no.
We've never met

at all.

Now, if I told you that statistically one man could prove a connection to circa 1.4 million Welsh people,

you would say, is he a king? Is he a god?

Is he a prophet sent down to to guide us i'd say no actually he's a digital dj with three podcasts he actually does really well on patreon so you should pay him respect because even though you know you think he's dressing modestly a lot of that clothing costs over ten grand and his arms have never looked better his arms have never looked better

his skin's great yeah his hair's very fashionable His glasses look like Jürgen Klopp would wear them. Or someone who works for a Formula One team.

Maybe Jürgen Klopp, I think, had laser eye surgery or started wearing contacts. He had laser.

He changed his whole brand. Too scared, Dave.
Yeah, or me too. I can't even wear contacts, so it affects me playing Five Aside.
No, you could get laser. I'm too scared.

I could just get it. No, because I'm too.

It's the aftermath of laser. Hannah's had it done.
Yeah.

It's an afternoon of hell. An afternoon of hell.
They really play down

in the literature. I don't want to laser in my eye.
But you would never have to go near glasses ever again. I don't mind wearing specs.
I wish I could wear contacts for five aside.

Once a week, I think I wish I could put contacts in, but I'm too scared. I think my eyes look more tired without my glasses.
Yes, I'm the same. Why do you think I'm wearing my glasses right now?

I don't need these glasses. They're hiding the bags.
Yeah, so I don't want to not have glasses. Oh, the bags under my eyes make me look like I'm grieving upside down.

It is horrendous.

Yeah.

Like hanging like a pat.

Right, it's time to find out if Ellis can connect with a fellow country person. Last week, Ellis continued his good run of form by connecting with Caller Catrin from Fostrassel.

That was a good connection.

It was good stuff. It was Pete Connect.

Names were getting chucked out left and right. Connections were being made all over the shop.
It was a man in flow state doing what he does best. It was a sight to behold.

That success brought Ellis's connection rate to 46.97.

He's a mere 3% of touching that that elusive 50% that he so covets.

I've never coveted it. You have to coveted 100% today.
Oh, yeah, well, it'd be nice to end the year at 50, which is

not possible. Let's see if we can get him closer today.
We have a caller on the line from Wales. Hello.
Hello, John. Can you hear me? Yes, the next voice you hear will be that of Ellis James.

Your time starts now. Agent School? 47.
Carl Newman, Red Verdin, Ponte Prith. Do you know Chris Cochrane? Yes.
There we go.

That's Swift.

That wasn't the one I was calling in for, Alice. Do you know Caroline Hits, who's head of the BBC, BBC Wills? I think she went to Cardinal Newman.
No, I don't.

She was at University with Jacob Reese Mogg.

Cardinal Newman, age 47. So you're what are you?

Two years older than me, Ponte Prie. Let's tell people who Chris Cochrane is.
Chris Cochrane is a comedian, radio host, who I used to be in a sketch group with.

He used to do a radio show with Rod Gilbert. Very, very funny man.
He's from Ponte Preed. And how do you know him, Cola?

I went to school with his younger sister, Anna, who's sadly no longer with us. But we used to go to the Millennium Stadium to watch the rugby, and Chris would be the MC for pre-match and half-time.

Of course. So we'd heckle him and then hang out with him with the Vips after the match.
Of course. That checks out.

45 then. So are you from Pontepre itself? No, I'm from Kevin Hengoyd Cafilly.
Kevin Hengoyd Cafilly. And I believe he's 47.
47.

Hengoyd Cafilly.

Do you know...

Oh, yeah. No, no, that's Bargoyd.
That's Bargoy. That's Bargoyd.
Hey, stick with the school.

Cardinal Newman.

You don't know my friend Clev Ruan who won England, do you? From Abervan? He's got Ponte Preeth connections. Is there a guy? Ellis is struggling here, but

he's on the massage table. Yeah, I'm on the massage table.
He's in the ice bath, so his brain's not.

Do you know any connections other than Chris Cochrane? I do, yes, and I think Ellis does as well. Well, Ellis is

dealing with cognitive spine.

47 Carter Newman. What well? No, I'm lost.
Think football. He's always thinking football.
Always thinking football. A footballer.
Oh, Danny Gabbadon. No.

Okay, that's interesting. He's from Combran anyway, he's from Partiglia Combran.

Kevin Hengoyd, 47 foot baller.

Football. You can just if you're listening on the app, just skip forward.
There's a button that's usually 15 or 30. Just say, listener, just tell us.

Ellis, he came over from Africa to Bedworth in Cephilly. I coded him on the yard on the concrete with jumpers for goalposts.

He then joined Cardiff City and became a Welsh international footballer, Robert Earnshaw. Robert Earnshaw?

Did you not know that? Okay, that's big. That's big.
Were you aware, Alice?

I didn't know he'd gone to that school. I thought he'd.
I thought that's huge. You got to write that down if you don't know where Earnshaw went to school.
Yeah, well, he grew up in Cphilli.

I knew that.

I didn't know he'd gone to Cardinal Newman. He went to St.
Helens originally, then, Cardinal Newman. I met him, he's in my sister's year, who's two years younger, Marie.

And we played with him on the yard. He took up football at Cardinal Newman.
That's where he learned his skills on the concrete and goalposts of jumpers of the 90s.

Okay, okay. Are you a Cardo City fan? No.
Good, good, that's great.

Was he just absolutely lethal? Yes, and he was doing it in shoes.

Yeah, of course, yeah, that's the thing. Do you know what? If you didn't know Cookie, I never would have.

I didn't know Earnshaw went to Cardinal Newman, Dave. No, but you'd already got the connection.
Yeah, but that's not the point. It feels like a loss, doesn't it? It feels like a loss, though.

I should have known that Ernie had gone to Cardinal Newman. I'm good at footballers and their schools.
Add it to the list of footballers and their schools. And we thank you, Corla, for calling in.

That's another connection for Ellis. Strong.
And you've got to see this as a.

That was probably the quickest connection on record.

I could feel it. It was drinking in.
But to not know that Ernie went to Cardinal Newman.

Well, we missed it. That is a failure.

On my part.

It's just something you didn't know that you now know.

Okay.

He's mad this. His head's gone and he's just got the quickest connection in history.
That is a failure on money parts.

Yeah, it's like one of the stories where Sherlock Holmes doesn't solve the mystery. Yeah,

do they exist? Yeah. Oh, I don't know.
I thought I'd read all of Sherlock Holmes. I don't remember any of them.
Yeah, Scandal in Bohemia.

He's done it.

He doesn't know. There are others.

The Three Garadebs. I have not read that one.
What? You know, I read all of Sherlock Holmes. I thought I had.
You probably have.

I know that when I read Valley of Fear, you told me that you were jealous of me because I haven't read it yet. Yeah, it's a best story.

How many Sherlock Holmes books are there? I don't know. There's like 52 short stories and four novellas.
Study on the Scarlet. They're only like 20,

30 pages long. I've got the first book to read first.

I was a Holmes sceptic until John basically said you must. Yeah.
And I could not put them down.

And I thought it'd be Hound of the Baskervilles would be the one, the Wonder Wall. But no, Valley of Fear is unbelievable.
Well, Hound of the Baskerville is actually quite odd. Is it?

Because Sherlock Holmes is a sort of an absence in The Hound of the Baskervilles for a lot of it. Really? So he's not sort of present

in the narrative for quite a portion of it.

But I could not. If you want a winter read.

Yes, I do. Oh.
The short stories of Sherlock Holmes. Yeah.

Hound of the Baskerville is obviously. And John doesn't even like dogs.

Yeah.

You got to buy them all separately or do you. No, you get them in a big book and they're copyright free so they're only like 10 quid for the whole for all of them.

Volley of fear there's a fantastic twist to this two there's two which I did not see coming. We're going to do Secret Santa as part of our Christmas cracker.
There's a little wink and a nudge.

Whoever gets me get me the blooming full word.

This is the problem because we've already bought our presents you and I Dave and we've bought them for each other so Ellis has got to buy a present for himself. No I'm going to give Ellis.
Fantastic.

I'm going to give Ellis's mind to you and he can pretend that he's giving it to you. That's a great idea.
Yeah. So I don't have to do angry.
So you don't have to buy a present.

You just have to backstave. Oh, have I got to buy another one now? Yeah, but Ellis will backs you for that one.
If I've got to use my presentation. I'm prepared for Christmas.
A backspace Christmas.

I actually knew what I was going to buy, John, as well. I just hadn't done it.
So you buy

Dave to give to me. I'll get two presents.
No.

Hold on. Why am I not getting anything at this rate?

No, you're getting something from me. I'm getting something from you.
You're giving John the present that I've got for John.

So you need to get something for Ellis. It's sort of a special sketch where they're trying to work out who owes money to who.
Have you got a present you'd like? Yeah, loads. Great.
Ooh, Secret Santa.

Right.

We are going to have a little break before we play a made-up game.

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Right, we're back. We

are on a golden run of made-up games, if you ask me. Yeah.
6-7, I loved.

I loved the walking game that Anya brought in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I loved the long and short. Short and long of it.

And a number of people pointed out when I shared the Carousel, aka the Cara, that Ellis didn't go Gorky's Zygotic Monkey for G, and I didn't go Geese. Yeah.
Yeah.

I think that Geese is more forgivable because that's a five-letter band name. Yeah.
I don't know what you got. Gun was my

short G. You went for Gene, didn't you? No, I went for.

G. Galapagos Island.
No, that wasn't it. No, I went.
I was going to say Gun, but I didn't. Not Go Team.
I went the Go Team, yeah, I did. No, that was the long short.
No, that was the short.

Oh, my God. I went Godspeedy Black Emperor long.
Also, A, I should have chosen Gorkies for my G long.

The other thing that was pointed out to me on social media was on our alternative Christmas playlist available on BBC Sounds. Oh, yeah, just check it out.
It is available on BBC Sounds now.

I didn't choose Christmas Eve by the Gorkies, which I'm absolutely amazed at. Yeah, but I did my list quite quickly, Dave.
Sorry.

I've not heard our trail for our Christmas playlist on BBC Sounds on any of the podcasts I listen to.

Is it being buried, Dave? Are we being silenced? No, it's not at all. Are we being silenced for being too alternative? No, it's going on Five Live, the trail.
It's going on. Are the Enfantariblers

being kept in a pen and in a cot, Dave? No, it's going to be on Five 5-Live, and we've got another big trail going across all networks.

We'll be like the naughty kids doing an off-stead inspection or made to sit in a room. We've got a special game for you to play in the cupboard all day in silence.

Yes, you can go in your game by yourself. Well, tell you what, if listeners could prove everyone wrong, I don't think we are being silenced, by the way.
Of course we're not. But let's make it the most

the highest performing listened to Christmas playlist out there. So go and listen to it again.

And it won't find it by searching Christmas music as we instructed. No, you do now.
Do you now? Awesome.

Awesome.

It's a good platform that always works. It is actually.
It is actually. If what you want to do is engage with some of the best and brightest of our age.
Yeah.

Anyway, we're going to play another made-up game, aren't we, Dave? The run of made-up games has been superb because it goes back further than that.

The Animal Noises was a very popular one from Family Forest Getaway. They do make us look like silly idiots.
No, it's good. It means you can laugh at yourself.
It's self-deprecating. It's true.

Very, very good. It's good for your brand.

Ow. So, but we're at Christmas now.
We're playing towards Christmas. It's festive.
So we, of course, at this time of year, then return to. I feel festive, Dave.
I feel really festive.

I've put a robin on my yucca plant pot. Have you? Yep.
Oh, that's lovely. That's the Christmas tree sorted.

On the family, on the street WhatsApp group, somebody put a nice wreath on their front door and it got nicked. Oh.

So we're going wreath, we're wreath-free this year,

so it doesn't get pinched, which is quite depressing, isn't it? That's London.

That is a lovely London anecdote. What a shame.
Yeah. You don't see that in Mary Poppins, do you? Did I capture it on the ring doorbell or anything like that? I don't know.

We don't have a ring doorbell, but we should get one. Okay, okay.

Okay, it's a classic and we're returning to it. First of all, though, we do have a brand new slash reinvented Christmassy jingle.
So we had a jingle sent in from Listener Jim.

We've thrown some sleigh bells on it. Oh,

lovely. So here we go.

David, John, and Ellis, take the names.

Thanks a million for your maid. Oh,

games.

It's lovely.

Do you know what you should do, Ellis?

Make your wreaths out of poison ivy. Oh,

and use gloves when you make them.

Yeah, I'm just have love bits of broken glass in my wreath. Try nicking that.
And then I'll forget and I'll take it down and cut my hands to ribbons. Yeah, go poison ivy.
Yeah.

Scores on the doors.

After John's victory in last week's game of the short and long of it, the score now stands.

John winning 15 love in the fourth game. Three games to love in the second set.
John leading one set to love. It's starting to look bad, Alice.

It would look less bad if it was normal scoring, because we were deuce for so long. Yes.

Would it look less bad? Yeah. Yeah.
Like I was, you know. He put a lot of points on the board.
He put a lot of points on them. They're no longer on the board.

That's tennis. But that's odd tennis.

That's odd tennis. Uh, so what's this game, please, Dave? Oh, it's Catalogue Heads.
Oh, it's Catalogue of Heads.

You love this? No, I don't. No, you're terrible at it, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I hate it, and I'm terrible at it.

Yeah, a few Christmases ago, listener Lizzie sent in a game based around a well-known Christmas catalogue that involved you picking the best gifts for certain well-known people.

Played it a couple of times now, so we thought, why not dust off the catalogues again for yet another round this Christmas? Yeah, you'll both be given a copy copy of this year's Christmas catalogue.

I like Lizzie, but I'm bad at this game. Yes.
I think the size of the catalogue is going to lead me to Thames It, isn't it? No, because they used to be much bigger.

They did used to be bigger, but can I just say I spotted these in said shop in like late November and I got them because they sell out every year. Do they? These are really hard to get.

They should make more of them. That's bad business.
No wonder the economy's stagnating. Okay.

For each round, I'll give you both a well-known person. person.
Happy Christmas!

I know what he's been listening to, which is why that because I listened to it as well.

It makes me laugh. Because the rest is politics again.
Yeah.

You will then have 30 seconds to find the best gift for that person in the catalogue.

When the time is up, you'll present your answers to me and you will have to persuade me why your gift is the best gift of all. Okay.

One point for winning each round, three rounds, most points at the end of the game wins. Lovely.
You ready? Yep. Here's your catalogues of a well-known/slash generic.

But it's nice.

It used to be bigger than the Bible.

Yes.

It used to be about 1500 pages long. What's going on? It's a good question.
Well, I think these are Christmas gifts rather than gifts that you can get all year round.

So I think they kind of just focus it more on... Oh my god, they got squishmallows!

Do you guys like TYs? Yeah. The laboo boos? Yeah.

Yeah. And massive squishmallows.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're having a flick. They're just acquainting themselves

with the cat a lot.

A voucher for what? One of those ones you can use everywhere.

Some money.

Pounds sterling. Pizza Express, Boots, TK Max.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You ready? Yep. Okay.

There'll be 30 seconds on the clock. Yep.
It's not long.

But that's the Jeopardy. It's basically toys and phones.

Can you stop, please, John? Right. Celebrity number one.
Mary Stitchmus isn't there. 30 seconds.
Close the books, please. Thank you.

Celebrity number one.

Noel Edmonds. Your time starts now.

Okay.

Flicking through.

What do you get for the man that's got everything?

Hmm.

Evie, you got it? Yes. I've got it as well.
John's very happy. Alice is happy.
Good. All right.
Time is up.

You've had a flick through your catalogues.

I am the judge. Okay.

Alice, we'll come to you first, please. What are you getting, Edmunds, for Christmas? What does Noel Edmonds like being on? Telly.
The telly. Yeah.

What does Noel Edmonds want for Christmas? Telly. The new kind of big best telly that is exclusive to.

Tell him.

We've worked so hard not to say the brand before. We'll bleep it then.
But we're going to have to use the brand of the thing we're choosing. That feels a bit broader because there's brands galore.

There's six brands.

All right, then. Am I going to get him a TCL LG or Hisense television? No, I'm not.
I'm going to get him a Samsung 2025 Crystal UHD television. It's 58 inches.

Noel Edmonds can watch himself on the best television on the market, dude. I'm not sure he can, because he's not really on the TV anymore.
He'll watch repeats. Okay.

Also, I'm not sure Edmonds would want to be in the same room as a TV that's bigger than him.

58 inches is big too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's got a TV room. Yeah, he has, to be fair.
He's got a TV room and he watches old reruns of himself on telly. I just think Noel's already got the best telly.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.
That's exclusive to this shop that only came out in the last couple of months. Okay, maybe not.
Yeah. But I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what, Noel doesn't already have. Yeah.
A Russell Hobbes calm kettle.

Now, I don't know if you know Dave, but in his sort of ranch/slash

hinterland/slash haven in New Zealand. Yeah.
He has spirituality calm room which involves a number of different devices, some of which are not proven by science. But that's not stopping Noel.
No.

You can sit in a machine that shines light through a crystal onto your head,

etc. But it's very much in keeping with the vibe in Noel's spirituality retreat.
Does it? Yeah, because you can switch on moments of me time with your new calm kettle.

Let your mind wander with gentle coloured lights and optional soothing sounds.

I believe that you've opened this catalogue on page 67. Chosen to buy Noel Edmonds a calm kettle.
Whereas on page 66, if you'd looked across, you could have chosen him a naughty, nice gift mug set.

You could have done, but I've not gone for that because I think

this would go straight in that room in his house. What page are you on? I'm on page 67.

Sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm late.
I didn't want to come calming candle. Whenever 67 gets mentioned, Lila loses her mind.
What, 6'7? Yeah. If it naturally comes up, she would just, it is, it's mad.

Like, she would have lost her mind then. Really? If you had just said, what page are I on, page 6'7? For the next 10 minutes, she'd have run around the house shouting 6'7.
Thames.

Lila. No, no, no, not Lila.
Unless it was part of a sort of kayaking award.

And then I'll make sure that there are, you know, really experienced kayakers to hand so you don't want it to be a smagtail uh a smagtener you're going to go through the rest of the thing that I've had 30 seconds to skim through I'm going calm kettle because I know Edmonds would like it's gonna buy him an animal print faux for hot water bottle no

just important just off of the collection um

oh it's it's the it's the kettle it is the kettle he's already got a tv why do you forsake me

it was just it was just a problem with me because Noel's been on TV, you've got him a TV. Yeah, he loves to be on telly.

His entire identity is based around it. Uh, round two, 30 seconds on the clock.

The character, Lynn Benfield.

Time starts now. Okay.

Yeah, okay, I've got one. John, what are you getting, Lynn Benfield, please?

Well, we know that Alan's assistant, Lynn, is very hardworking, and we know that she doesn't get the appreciation she deserves, and she's always doing little tasks for Alan,

e.g.

loosening his laces on his shoes next to the door so they slip on comfortably, that kind of thing. So I thought it might be nice to get her an easy-to-use smartwatch,

which is going to track her movements and make her feel good about herself at the end of the day. Too technological.
Well, this is why it's one of the easy-to-use ones. Still too technical.

And Lynn can get her head around it because she operates Alan's dictaphone.

So at the end of the day it's going to go, you did 14,000 steps and you were active for six hours. You burned this many calories.
Good for you.

So when she's feeling brown beaten by Alan, she might get a little vibration alert on her wrist that she's hit her targets. That's good.

Great.

Alice. Okay.
Hit me. Well, I considered...

buying her a supersized impact wreath for the front door for Christmas. But if if I'm giving her this gift on Christmas Day, obviously, you know, she'd want it up before they're a bit late.

So then I looked

at the gifts for someone who's relaxing at the end of a long day working with Alan.

Now, I considered the Aroma Home Microwave Faux Fur Slippers for just before bed, but then I remembered Alan saying, Don't think you can upstage Jill by wearing a snaty cardigan, Lynn.

So I'm getting a slightly more modest, but still quality-made

TU Premium Kashmir crew neck cardigan for £69.

Yeah. And it's a lovely shade of pink.

It is nice. It's really nice.
It's very small.

Is that a kid's cardigan or is it? No, it's 69 quid, Dave. Yeah, okay.
Just very small in the picture. It's gifts for the beauty obsessed.
Yeah, okay.

I mean, it does look small in the picture, but it's a small picture gift.

Nothing in this book is life-size, Dave.

Especially the mini-beasts in the kids' section. Yeah, I mean, the telly I I chose Dora Edmonds with a 58-inch screen.
The ride along Lamborghini

is not an inch high.

I love it. Ellis gets the point because it's topical back to the TV.

Sometimes that is the case.

But not today.

That is an occasion where Ellis has taken the reference from the show and has relayed it back to the challenge here at hand. It's...
So you don't hate me. I love you.
You know, I love you.

Round three.

Who would have thought it? We're at one all. This is to win.

You're buying a Christmas present for

me.

Your time starts now. That is good.

Okay.

Okay, John's locked in. Yep.

Yeah, I'm locked in. Ellis is locked in.
Ellis first, what are you getting me? What do you do every Wednesday night, Dave? I go to athletics.

What do you do at athletics, Dave? I get told off by the people for wearing my headphones around the track. Apart from that, I take my daughter.
And you go running, don't you? I do go running.

I am going to buy you a smart watch.

It's the

one he's already got. A better one.
He's got a really good one. Complete moron.

I'm buying him a Huawei Fitford Pro Blue. So we can spy on his heart rate.

So that the Chinese know exactly what you're up to, Dave.

Fit for ProBlue 753 slash 5743. It's 249.99.
My Fit Fit never featured in any Smartwatch review. You've got your garments,

you've got your suntones.

It's like when your mum gets like a sort of the equivalent of an iPad, but it's for a company no one has heard of. My friend has got a Huawei

mobile phone, have they? And she says it's fantastic.

And she is young. She's actually a year younger than me.
She's 43, actually. She swears by it.
And she used to have an Apple, and she says she'll never go back. Really? Yeah.
Okay, that's interesting.

And I was also a Huawei cynic

until I talked to my friend. Okay.
So there you go.

Okay. Do you know what their tagline should be? It's my way or the Huawei.

Okay.

Good. It's not bad.
I have got two running watches.

Do I need a first?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I work on my ankle shit. You're extra on your legs.
Yeah. Yeah, because and then you'll get an average of your actual speed.
It's good. Now, I went through quite a few things for you, Dave.

I was going to buy you an impact wreath.

But I've decided on something that I know you and your family will love at Christmas. He's gone for the family card out here.
It's a virtual reality headset pair for playing games in the lounge.

Go on, talk to me. So.

Oh, I can imagine Hannah loving it. Yeah.
Lila and the twins loving it.

Whether you're playing pool and then Hannah falls over because she tries to rest on the pool table and everyone has a laugh and she's not injured. Yeah.

She's not injured.

And we're all giggling about it.

Was it the wine? Was it the VR set? Was it it the wine VR set?

The kids are playing, you know, the children's games they're into. Mario Kart.
Mario Kart Fortnite. There are others.

And then later on, when the kids are in bed, you and Hannah can settle down to some immersive pornography.

So there's something for everyone. Yeah.

Yeah, there is. I can imagine you and your family being the advert for it.
Yeah, I could actually.

I could actually

go, my other thing, I was going to go for a heated chile.

But I thought... My dad likes a heated gillet.
Yeah. I just thought it's not.

It sounds like the sort of thing you get someone who likes running, but you don't need

on the rare occasions I've done television filming outside in the winter, they will give you a heated chile, and it's incredible. Yeah.

But you do feel a bit like RoboCop because it is electrical. Also, Dave's not presenting many docks from the terraces these days, are you, Dave? I'd love to.

City, if you want me to present docs from the terrace.

Or host a corporate event outside. Yeah, absolutely.

It's John. John makes the point.

You're a toxic influence on this show, and you are poisonous. No, if you listen to Dave talking about his life, you'd know he had a smartwatch.
And I will get him a better one. The Huawei one.

You've got me another one. Like my friend, who's got a Huawei smartphone.

you got me a different brand smartwatch and it's one of the best things in my life if not the but which says a lot about the present and a lot about my life yes along with my mattress sometimes I just lie in bed holding my smartwatch and I think I'm fine yeah you are fine I'm okay I've got you buddy yeah

I say and then I just stroke my forearm because it reduces tension does it yeah however Dave's got a belter

I have got a belter.

He's clicking me the V's. That's a shame at Christmas.
It It is a shame at Christmas. It's Christmas of all times.

Unless they stand for very happy Christmas to you.

Yeah, victory at Christmas. Yeah.

John Nix, I'm afraid, because that genuinely.

I mean,

I think I've missed a trick by not getting that for my family at Christmas. Is the thing.
I think you're going to be getting one. Yeah,

it's a lovely present. But Ellis, if ever I grow a third arm.
You are black. Death.
Poison.

the running watch is a lovely thought It's just not something that at the minute

I need you could sell your good one. I sell my good one.
It's the best. Okay, we'll sell this.
It's the bees knees

Good game though

catalogue ahead is always fun. It's always fun.
It's always fun. I can't wait to play it again next year

So thank you very much for that. Do keep your made-up games coming into ellisandjohnbc.co.uk.
Yes, or your shame wells.

Oh, yeah, we haven't been to shame well for a while. We need a good new bachelor's.
That's a festive shame. Sentence of shame.

It's not a good time for shame because you're with your family often in the family. You often bring up feelings of shame.

Families are tricky at Christmas. They can be tricky at Christmas.

What is it with Christmas, eh? Just just right.

I was heightened. I was chatting to Tom Rosenthal about this last night.
Yeah. And

he said jokingly, like,

actually, it's too dark. You can't see it.

It's the highest divorce rates of the year. What is it? Yeah,

he was basically saying we should stop. We should cancel it.

So we can get rid of all of that.

A lot of pressure. It's the pressure, I think.
It's the pressure. It is mad to cook that elaborate meal.
Yeah. I think, for lots of people.
You need to.

In a domestic kitchen with a small domestic oven. Yeah.
You were asking a friend of mine, he had like

16 or 17 people around

on Christmas Day, and they were using next door's oven for some things.

We're going out this year. Yeah.
There's a lot of people. Very good solution, I think.
Don't look down on that.

Go out. It's the same price anyway.
If you're the one cooking it, I guarantee you'll probably end up spending less going out because cooking it for 10 people is an absolute arm and a less.

It's insane how much a turkey costs. It's, yeah.
Like it's. You think it's a typo.

You're like it can't be. How much is a turkey? Oh like a crown would be like 70 quid.
Are you kidding?

You'd feed a lot of them for 70 a crown, I think. But no, you are right.
Some of them could be some of them are more. I mean,

you know,

I'm not shaming meat eaters, but if it's a price issue,

the vegan roast that's brilliant is four quid. Four? That'll feed three people.
Really? Yeah.

Four of those. That's the same as a turkey round.
16 quid. Every job's a good one.

Anyway. Anyway.

This is one of our last shows for Christmas. We can't end on this note.
No, no. Well, why don't we end on Ask Us Anything? Oh, yes, please.
Because just to drop back to dancing with Dave very quickly.

Yeah.

It's an interesting event, isn't it? Because

you've got the Twang and you've got the Fritales.

You've got a bit of Van Morrison.

And then scattered.

There was Van Morrison at the time. The very rare B-side.
Geese, I heard. Yeah, as well.

And then scattered across the day, you've got four jingles from the podcast that seems to be... Okay, I didn't know there were four.
I actually only thought there was one. No, two on Saturday.

But we've done more in the past. Yeah.
So the other one, alongside Postman Dave, which I sang along to,

we played the remix that Sean played. The club mix.
The club mix of Ask Us Anything went down an absolute storm at Coco on Saturday. And what I love is Sean, who...
made it was in the crowd as well.

Oh, lovely. So he got to see the crowd go mad.
Anyway, we've recorded how it went down on the day. So here from CoCode is the house remix of Ask Us Anything.

Wow, you can hear them.

1600 people and everyone knew it. That's fantastic.
It's fantastic. What a moment.
So ask us anything.

Thank you to Sean. It's a strange world we've created with this podcast.
This is what I mean, but we're very lucky to have done so because

those sorts of things are very popular. This is from Josh.

Hi, my wondrous word searchers. If you're selected to become the first human on Mars, what would you say as you took your first steps on the planet's surface? All the best, Josh.

What would you say if you're the first person on Mars? because you want something that's timeless yeah you want something that in 50 years time

to the aliens yeah

i'd say six seven would it's never gonna go out of date is it yeah people be saying that in their 100 years time of course i would sell sponsorship of my first words oh

and bought to you by nord vpa yeah yeah yeah i would say i would step onto the surface of mars and go pretty lonely here on mars and loneliness can be a difficult thing to deal with.

And that's why we at BetterHelp are here to connect you with a therapist, that sort of thing. Or I'd be like, there's no atmosphere here, so the sun's rays are going to kill us in seconds.

It's almost like we've got too much energy.

Our friends at Fuse Energy, and you know, I'd make so much money, Dave. That would be the, imagine if Neil Armstrong had been like, it's one small step for man, it's one giant leap for Coca-Cola.

he would have been. I mean, there's no price to die.
There is no price. No, he's just going to get replayed for decades and decades and decades.
But he didn't know that at the time.

Imagine if I'd arranged for an Ocado delivery to meet me on the on Mars.

It would have to be stuff that didn't perish in transit. Yeah, of course.
Yeah.

Just tins. Just tins.
Yeah. It's very savvy.
Yeah, thanks. Yeah, so I would do that.
Yeah,

I think what you do with God, my bad. I turn to the camera and go, I'm loving it.

And you just hear the sound of the backs hitting my account from Earth. Yeah.
And then I'd have, what, 36 years to travel home to be able to use it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's how I die.

Is that how long it is? Realizing you can't spend money on Mars. Yeah.
And I just waste away in a crater looking at my sort of statement,

thinking, was it worth it? Come on. And was it to

drive around Mars in my Lundra for discovery? I'd give it to charity. Fair play to me.
You'd need to. I'd have to because I'm dying on foot because I can't get home.
Well, now? No.

You've got to go to Nottingham. I do.

So, yeah, sponsored read for me. Sponsored read for John.
It's the bleakest thing I've heard. Host read for John.

What are yours? What are you saying?

Yeah, and then 6-7 because they'll never date. Yeah.

Good.

Harry, this is good and genuine advice that Harry wants. So take it seriously, seriously, for God's sakes, John.

Hello, my playful little penguins. I'm a 21-year-old who has just started performing as a stand-up comic as of February 2025.

The extreme levels of fear and anxiety in the upcoming days before gigs makes me question sometimes if it's worth continuing with this passion project.

The buzz after a good gig is amazing, but I often wonder if it's worth the three days of sheer dread beforehand. So my question is thus.
Are the pre-gig worries something that lessens with experience?

And how do you guys cope with the nerves of live performance? Lots of love. Harry!

It lessens with experience. And then gets really bad again.
Why? Why? My nerves for the first five gigs of this tour were the worst they'd ever been in my life. Is that true? Yeah.

Because they were the biggest shows I'd done. And

like I'd done big support slots of people. But obviously it's not your name on the.
It's not your name on the ticket.

And when I was on the circuit, I felt relatively comfortable in my place on the circuit usually. And also, it's not your name on the ticket.

But I would say that at open mic level,

I had a, I think you're probably in the same boat. I had a little bit of beginner's luck in the first four gigs where those four went well enough.

And then the fifth gig at Chapter Arts Center in Cardiff, I died horribly in front of about six or seven people at most. And then I walked home.

I lived in Canton, so it was like a 10-minute walk back to my house. I remember walking home, having effectively been humiliated.
So it's got a happy ending for that. Yeah, yeah.

And I thought, well, Christmas. But I thought my girlfriend hasn't left me.
Yeah. My mum and dad still love me.
Yeah. My friends still think I'm all right.

The five or six people who are at the show won't know who I am or won't remember me. They'll have forgotten my name by tomorrow, probably.
I'll just be the person whose jokes didn't work.

I'll be an anecdote at best for a week.

And I thought, well, nothing's really changed I thought well I've done four I've done five and four of the five

so you know it's called

that's a 20% hit rate and I enjoyed the first

80% hit rate I thought the first four

I'd enjoyed so much I thought I can like if it's one in five I can handle this and you just realize that it's it's not that bad is it I mean you're not also if you if you it's not brain surgery if you do a if you have a gig where you're making them laugh it's so I bet it's so easy to forget the really good ones and then just really focus in on the one that didn't go.

Of course, and you can have a really good gig, and then there'd be one person in the front row not enjoying it, and you'll focus on that person.

Yeah, I remember the face of someone at Jesters in Bristol. I was having a good show, and he had his arms folded.
I was throughout the, I was thinking, come on,

come on,

that's 15 years ago. So, what's the advice just to try and cling on to the cling on to the positives? And also, at the end, ultimately,

it's not life and death, is it?

Is what I used to say to myself. What do you think, John? Um, and nerves show you care, yeah.

I don't mind nerves, yeah, I like nerves, they're sort of fluttery and get make you fidgety and want to move around and make you hungry and you're often better when you're nervous as well.

You are, definitely, but I would, but that's not what I get now. I get dread now, just like huge boulder of dread.
What's the difference in your feelings then?

What I just want to lie down and not do the show, whereas nerves, it's like, come on, bring it on, come on, let's get it. Let it, let's get me on stage.

Yeah, what I used to find was that two hours before the show, I actually didn't want it to happen.

Yeah, and I, what I was waiting for was the promoter to call me and say, Oh, sorry, it's been cancelled because there's a

sewer has exploded near the venue, but no one's died. But this show is cancelled, and I could just drive home.
But you know,

it would be mad if you were what I always tell myself is if you were not feeling any of these broad spectrum of things, you would be really bad at it.

Yeah, because you wouldn't care, you'd probably be quite arrogant, you wouldn't be thinking about it because your body is panicking.

Yeah, and it's okay for your body to panic when you're doing something that's new and unexpected and could go wrong. Yes, because there is a threat, it could go really, really wrong.

And I think sometimes it just takes, like Ellis was saying, you get a few that have gone really, really wrong, and you're like, okay, so I survived those.

You know, it's not going to be as bad as that gig I did in an army barracks. It's not going to be as bad as that corporate I did where there was no mic and no stage.

It's not going to be as bad as as the wedding Ellis did in Lenethley. That was awful.

That was in 2005, Dave, and it I ruined a bride's day.

Yeah, so it's not going to be that bad. But, you know, I would also say, like,

it is scary. It is scary.
Yeah, I think it's scary. And I used to kind of like, I used, when people would say, oh, you know, I couldn't do what you do, I'd always be like, oh, it's fine.

It's, you know, I'm used to it, blah, blah, blah. But then the older I get, the more I think, yeah, it scares me.
It's not necessarily hard, but it scares scares me.

I also find that at two hours before the show, I don't want it to happen, then at 7.29 or at 7.59, I actually am like, let's get on. Let's get it done.
Well, I hadn't done a gig on my own for like

six months last night before I went on at Warwick. And as soon as I stepped on stage, as soon as I got my first laugh, all of the tension went.

And I came into the dressing room and one of the acts, I can't remember what was, was like, God, you're in a really good mood. You've changed.

And I was like, yeah, all of the dread has gone out of my body. You weren't on the the tour you'd be really quiet before the show and then after the show you'd be really happy it's also I think

I've worked with hundreds of comedians and the best ones always get all get nervous

but also the reason you've not done it for so long then there is a reason yeah yeah it's because it's scary yeah absolutely podcasts aren't as scary yeah they're not yeah well i'm doing it i'm doing it again in january in english how do you feel about that are you what's this you six three nights nerve uh abc which is a great gig in south london james Gill's show.

Have you got the stuff written? No. Have you got any sort of...
You've got notes on the screen?

I've got some ideas and I've got an inkling of

stuff from the Welsh language show, the last one, which I think might work.

Also, not to give away the material, but there were things that you said on the tour which would work really well as stand-up. Yeah, so there was sort of...

But yeah,

I'm doing a charity show, which I put my name down because it's something that means a lot to me on the 10th.

I thought, well, I can't just turn up and do that because I'm done stand up in English for years. Yeah.
So I need to do something.

And James runs these lovely gigs where comedians get to do work in progress. And they had Quitney in my house, blah, blah, blah.
So I thought, I'll do a few with them.

And

what I miss isn't the circle. What I miss is charity gigs with lovely bills full of my friends, which are always such fun.
So I like to.

And I like doing Will Briggs' gigs because they were always bills full of my friends. So if I was good enough to do a few with them,

I would be quite happy with that. That's exciting, Al.
I've never seen you do stand-up. I'm gonna ask you, isn't that mad? Yeah, that is mad.
That is exciting.

I was still doing it though when we started on Radio X. Yeah, but I think I had a question.

Yeah, 20. Uh, Betty was born in 2014.
I sort of stopped. I remembered, I was still doing gigs at the start of January 2015, circuit gigs.
I remember doing Tunbridge Wells and thinking, why am I here?

Because she was only little. Well, I should really be at home.
Sorry, what was the name of the email address? Harry. Harry.
Best of luck, though, because this is a journey.

And this could be your career. It's great.
21 years old. Giving it a go.
Oh, yeah. And I wish I started earlier.
Yeah. You did start young, though.
I was 20. You're in 24.

So you couldn't have started much earlier.

Josie Long was doing it at 17. Yeah.
But also, I still had a full-time job until I was... I think Josie was younger than that, actually.

She was 17 when she won the new Comedy award, and then she had a few years off when she was at uni, and she started again.

And also, if you do find that it is too much and you don't like the nerves and the travelling, it's okay to stop. It's okay to do something else.
Hello.

Yeah, well, exactly, but it's not like it's not defeat. No.
There was a really great comic called Steve Weiner. Did you have a gig with him? No, but I remember the name.
Maybe I did once or twice.

And he got signed by Off the Curb, who are the really big comedy agency. So they manage people like Michael McIntyre and Jonathan Ross and Josh, and they run hundreds of gigs and they signed him.

I remember thinking, wow, you're going to make it.

And I mean, I've not seen him for years and years, but I remember seeing him and I said, how's it going then? He was like,

I'm just always in Halifax.

And he just hated the travel, I think. And I didn't like travel.

And a lot of really talented comics hated the travel and quit. Really? Yeah, yeah.
So it is,

you've got to accept that you're going to be on the road an awful lot. Well, I hope that helps, Harry.
There's some good insightful stuff there. It doesn't feel very Christmassy and positive.

Well, we're not. Well, it's your job.
It's my job. Yeah, that's okay.
We're still a week away from Christmas. And we're still a week away from Christmas.
We're in the bleak zone.

Yeah, the worst gigs of the year as well. By a mile.
That is something I don't miss. These Christmas gigs.
Yeah, I bet. The grounds are doing very nice.
Are naked, Dave.

And people hate you.

That's my experience of Christmas geeks. Oh, I had to nip into a pub this morning to do a meeting at Euston Station, and there's just people getting pissed at 9am.
It's like, what are you doing?

And that's the crowd you're probably getting, the ones that have been drinking all day. Yes, sir.
And then you're getting them like 12 hours later. Yes, sir.
Oh, thanks. No, thanks.
Okay.

Thank you, everyone.

Let's all drive to Nottingham. Let's all drive to New York.
Are we all driving to Nottingham? Yeah, yeah, I'm coming to Nottingham. Great, Dave coming to Nottingham?

Yeah, why not great stuff We have a Christmas cracker special next week that'll be released first thing on Tuesday to give people a bit more time to get the Christmas edition Tuesday Christmas Day?

No Tuesday's the 23rd Christmas day is a Thursday So we'll release it at 6 a.m.

So you can wake up with it just that you get a bit more time with our Christmassy special Thank you to everyone on the team for doing that Dave That's all right.

Well producer Michael will be uh will be looking after the the release. I've got to brush my teeth.
You do need to brush your teeth. And there are some fun things planned for the Christmas special.

So do come back for a soft play. And there'll be a best of towards the end of the year as well.
Great.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Goodbye.

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