Introducing: Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire

David, I don't know if you know this about me, but I've always been a fan of exploring new places. Not like you kind of, you know, no offense.
And one of my best trips, listen up, is when I stayed at an Airbnb. Felt like I was living like a local with all the space, comfort of home.
You know, hotels can be a hassle. Room service and then the housekeeper.
It's a hassle. then you go to airbnb and you can get whatever you want a little cottage this and that it's fantastic you have your own separate space so it's a great product for people who travel david yes i have friends doing one of these right now if you have a home you can it.
It's fantastic. I mean, to monetize your home when you're not there seems like a good idea.
I mean, look, I'm on the road a lot. I could probably do it.
It's something that people can do when they travel, they have extra space, or you're at a place not full-time. You come in the winter, you leave in the summer.
That's something you should think about. It's a way to get some extra money, and it's a cool experience.
Your home might be worth more than you'd think. Yep.
Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. Hi, here's your report.
Thanks, Jane. I wish I could hire a whole team of yous.
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Terms and conditions apply. Hi, listeners.
I'm thrilled to let you know about Lemonada Media's newest podcast, Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire, something we talked about Melissa McCarthy about on the show. Get ready for a wild mythical adventure.
Melissa McCarthy leads an all-star cast in a hilarious new podcast, Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire. Sounds fun.
In this fantastical fictional tale for grownups, McCarthy stars as Hildy, an unlikely hero from the land of Golgorath, who must embark on an epic quest with an unlikely team of warriors to save the world. Starring Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone, Octavia Spencer, Glenn Closeenn close and more hildy the bar back in the lake of fire spins a legendary laugh out loud tale you won't want to miss and we heard all about it when we interviewed both of them you're about to hear the first episode of hildy the bar back in the lake of fire after you hear this episode search for hildy the bar back in the lake of Fire on your podcast app to hear more episodes.

You can also find a link in the episode description to take you there.

This is Glenn Close.

The Golgoroth Alliance is proud to present Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire.

This presentation is brought to you by Theater of the Mind. Chapter One, The Beginning.
Many ages ago, there was a verdant green land named Golgorath. It was a land full of magic, legend, and high adventure.
From time immemorial, the tales of Golgorath featured heroes who were, how do I say this, they were all dudes. But in the year 361, in the waning years of the Oluru, a new hero found her voice.
She was unparalleled in her sense of integrity and justice. She was also a barback.
Her name was Hildy. My name is Hildy.
I am a barback at a medieval pub with peasant sculler and piss and piss on the floor When I long for something more, we are in peril From the evil one whose soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire The men folks say they'll protect me, but they would fuck up a cup of coffee It's got to be me, I must set us all free It's my destiny, my name is Hildy And I'm fortunate as a lake of fire. There is a lake of fire.
My name is Hildy the Farback. We begin our tale in the quiet village of Mirvale at the Shady Cockrell, a quaint pub that has been in Hildy's family for generations.
Our hero, Hildy Hillsbury, is visited by her friends Gerd, Perda, and Mirabelle. But Hildy is currently unable to enjoy their company as she's busy trying to settle an argument between two dim-witted patrons of the pub.
I says that the sky is light blue. Light blue.
I says the sky is sky blue.

Yes, sky blue.

Gents, please, unclench your moist meat paws.

You know good and well, there's no fighting in the pub.

Also, you can't say the word of what the color is when you say what it's describing.

It's like saying the frog is frog green.

This is Perda, a merchant, cunning and wise. Frogs are not green, they're olive.
No, they're teal. Mirabel, can't you put a spell of forgetfulness on them or something? Sorry mate, that's a super hard spell to execute.
I've been working on it, but every time I try, something really ominous happens. This is Mirabelle, an eccentric alchemist and sorceress in training.
Uh, should I decimate these bags of fecal pooping with my warhammer Hildy, my very best friend? This is Gerd, a half-giant, powerful and loyal friend to Hildy. No, Gerd, no, you should not.
Thank you, but I will handle this. Hey, half giant, I'm arguing with my friend here.
You women folk had best be quiet. Enter here.
Oh, judging by your breath, gentlemen, which I don't actually mean, I still am quite confident that you do evacuate your bowels through your mouth. How dare you, wench.
Oh, there we go. Winch.
That's the magic word. Anyone who says it gets a...
Pie of meat? No. Foot massage? Kind words.
No pony. Not today, but you do get a dick punch.
Now you get another dick punch. You get a dick punch too.
Guess what? I've got a special running today, you'll get a third dick punch! Oh, Gerd, would you mind taking out the trash? Yeah, I'll take them out like yesterday's bags of trash. Hearing the commotion, Hildy's brother Finnick rushes in from the office.
Fennec is slow and lazy, and Yak was given ownership of the bar upon their parents' death instead of Hildy because, you know, patriarchy. So Hildy actually runs the bar while Fennec does whatever the hell it is that he does.
Gerd! Gerd, unhand those fine men! They're paying customers! Well, yeah, they've been banished, Fennec. They haven't paid their bill in months, and they're fighting about colors again.
I've given them each a multitude of warnings, so no. Or yes, I say they're not banished, and I'm the owner of the Shady Cockroach.
Okay, indeed, you are technically the owner of the bar, Fennec, because women cannot own taverns in this insane bullshit age. Right, right.
Yeah, that's what I just said. And if you say it again, you will no longer possess the penis that is currently ruining your undershorts.
What? If you test me, brother, I will burn you until you're dead, and then I'm going to bury you alive. LD.
Yeah. That doesn't make any sense.
I think it does, because first I'm going to kill you by burning you, then I'm going to bring you back to life just so I can chop you up again. A little bitty mulch, throw you the animals, have the animals eat you.
Then I'm going to have the animals shit you back out. And then I'm going to put a nice little rope around that area.
And that's going to be the Shady Cockrell's new restroom. Just don't let Yannick, the drunkard.
Only Yannick. Only Yannick.
It's going to be his personal place to do what he does. And you know what he can do to a chamber pot.
Takes the finish off. Well, after a consult with my sister and as the proprietor of this establishment, they are banished.
Gerd, throw them out. You got it, pheasant.
You know my name is Fenn. Ha! Okay, that's done.
I'm going to go to my office now and, um... Nope, don't do the thing you do.
Hey, everybody, drinks are on me! Never a good idea. I explain it to you, then you get it, and you forget, you do it again.
I want people to like me. Maybe you should think about trying to work on your personality then.
I don't want to do that. Oh, he gets a gorlok.
What is a gorlok doing in my tavern? A gorlok is a small humanoid creature, similar to a goblin, but with slightly better breath. Get behind me all, as I raise my war hammer.
No, no, no, no, no, no, wait! Lower your mighty war hammer, Gerd. Unless my eyes deceive me, I may know this gorlok.
And lo, Hilde did in fact know this gorlok. And upon looking more closely, she can decipher that he's bleeding from many arrows.
I am bleeding from many arrows. Mirabel, is there a spell that can help him? No, Hildy.
This poor creature is beyond my aid. Here, friend, have some potion for comfort.
Yes. That tastes just terrible.
Okay, so this one has got no healing qualities. It's just supposed to taste good.
Well, it's awful. It's somehow bitter yet cloyingly sweet.
The finish is almost mind-bogglingly terrifying. Thank you so much for that feedback.
Mirabelle, you gotta get a handle on your potions. As I die, sweet Hildy, do you remember when we'd play together as children in the sands? Sand.
Yes, the sand. Yes, yes.
I was just recalling. We'd play in as children.
Yes. Sandy, sand.
Yes. You were my best friend.
Oh. My only friend.
Oh, Jesus. Sure.
Yeah, that's... Definitely remember that, uh, friend.
I've come to warn you. The Morliths are coming.
Oh, Morliths, this is not good. Morliths, by the by, are ruined creatures of pure evil.
They're taller than men with claws like iron and cold black eyes. They've served the dark masters of Golgarath since before the beginning.
I scout these lands and I saw them. The Mawless are at least a hundred strong.
They seek the Dread Aegis. The Dread Aegis, also known as the Armor of Doom.
There are five separate pieces. The Helm of Magic, the Gauntlet of Might, the Boots of Destiny, the Sword of Power, and the Scabbard of Fate.
After the elves, humans and good creatures of the ancient times banded together and defeated Gathlimor, the evil one. Ow! It still hurts so much.
They hid each of the five separate pieces of the dread ages in five different places strewn far and wide across Golgarath, where they believed no one could find them. But now, evil is rising.
I mean, someone, someone wants to put the five pieces back together again and rule all I always thought that someday we'd be married oh yes yes we both thought it so many I thought about that so many that so many times. I did dream of that.
I thought that too a bunch of times, my dear friend, who I definitely, definitely remember from when we were children. Innocent, innocent.
Innocent, playing on the sand with the sand. Before I die, let me hear you whisper my name.
Ah, fuck.

Do you not know his name?

No.

Do you?

No, I don't know his name.

Is he maybe a John or a...

It could be a John, could be a Luscious.

Or Lucius.

Okay.

I thank you for the warning.

Sleep the sleep of the gallant.

Sweet, sweet Lucius.

Thank you.

Wait, who the fuck is Lucius?

Ah!

Ah!

Thank you. Wait, who the fuck is Lucius? Oh shit.
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Rocket, own the dream. Later that evening in the center of town, the citizens of Meervvale hold a meeting with the council of the seven village elders who are all dudes.
And much to Hildy's chagrin, her idiot brother, Finnick, is the leader of the council. Even though Morliths attack from time to time, as we all know, they have never attacked our village in numbers.
Yet now, 100 Morliths are coming?

For what reason?

Esteemed guests, we do not know.

We do know they're seeking one of the pieces of the Dread Ages.

The Gorlach literally just told us that in great specific detail.

Yeah, I didn't get all that. Gentlemen of the Council of the Elders Seven, what say you? Wait, wait, wait.
Listen, why don't we just send Mirabelle's raven out to see what they're actually up to? This way we can better plan our defenses. My raven, Wondrith, is quite a fast flyer, and though she only speaks in song, she is very efficient.
I speak only in song, the day is long, how can this be wrong?

Honestly, that bird creeps everyone out, Mirabelle, it really does.

Also, also, her songs barely have any rhymes.

Have you ever heard of a rhyme scheme, Raven?

A-A-B, B-B-A What kind of rhyme would you like to do? Gentlemen, irregardless of my respected sister statement, I believe that we need to march forth and meet these Morliths head off. Yeah! Yeah!! Kuma-ko! Wait, wait, wait! The Gorlock said there are a hundred more lists headed towards us and your solution is to take seven men and ride straight at them? Yes! Oh, Hildy, Hildy, Hildy, my simple, sweet, sister, who I love with all of my heart.
You just don't get it. Sometimes, as a man, you need to put on some armor, mount your horse, and go into battle to kick some fucking ass.
Men, please, please listen to me.

Don't do this.

We can make a better plan.

At least you could take Gerd with you.

She could defeat all seven of you in one battle.

No way.

I am strong indeed, but not stupid enough to go fight a hundred more or less with these soon-to-be-dead idiots.

Watch your tongue, half-giant.

Listen, I know we've had our differences, and I know that recently I may have threatened to kill you.

Repeatedly.

Well,

I'm asking you, please don't go. I must.
We will return in victory. Yes!

And then, free drinks at the Shady Cockerel for everyone forever! Yes! Men, to battle! Yes! In victory! Finnick leads the charge of the seven brave fools as they gallop up the hillside. If only they had heeded Hildy's warning.
Perhaps Mirabel's raven Wandereth would have seen that the Morliths were not alone as they charged westward towards Mirabel. No, they were led by a mighty Ur-dragon far from its home in Sha'adu.
It is the size of 30

horses with mighty wings, razor talons, and a breath of flame. The dragon sits on his rocky

throne on the mountaintop in quiet repose. He gazes out into the night At his earthly realm, his eyes aglow And you bravely climb the rock face With your sword of iron and your armor gleaming To bravely face the beast All the townsfolk look up from below and say Are you fucking stupid? Why would you ever fuck with a dragon you can't wish having more on? Have you never read a storybook? Not like it's a secret First he he's gonna bathe you in hot fire, and then he's gonna swallow you whole.
And he's gonna shit you into a volcano. All of this could have been avoided.
But you were the fool who thought he could fuck with a dragon. You are the fool who thought he could fuck with a dragon? You are the fool! Who thought he could fuck with a dragon? Stupid, stupid asshole! Business Taxes.
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Only available with TurboTax Live full service. The dragon blows her mighty breath of flame.
And the men from Mirvale are instantly incinerated. Oh no! My brother! My older brother is dead.
In the distance, we hear the sound of 100 more lift soldiers as they crest the hillside. A sound that would chill anyone to the bone.
Hey everyone! Get back to the shady cockerel! We'll bar the doors! Mirabel will stop at your house and bring the forbidden potions! I'm not so sure about that, Hildy. My potion abilities are not yet mastered.
That's exactly what I'm counting on. Bring the absolute worst potions you can find.
We'll need everything you have if we want to stay alive. Okay, I get you, mate.
Look, I'll be there in a jiffy. Into the cockerel.
Put the kids and caregivers into the back room. No pushing or shoving, please.
Can you please help me brace the door? Hildy, my very best friend, I see so many Morliths marching in such an evil manner. A large Morlith, the leader named Morlar the Strong, leads the charge.
Leave none of them alive. We shall drink their deliciously yummy blood.
Hildy, they're close now. What do we do for his best friend? First thing we're going to do is we're going to pray to Balthazar with our left hand, and then we're going to kick a little ass with our right.
Whoa, that's cool. Very best friend.
That sounded really cool. Thank you.
I felt good about it. I Say let them come for us They'll find that the women of this village have sharper teeth than the men No offense to the men present, but we do need you to fight too, but you're you know, you're not great Usually look there upon the bar.
There are swords and shields for everyone. Not you.
You know who I'm talking to. Nicholas! Put it down! Aww.
There were only 25 townspeople in the cockerel who were fit to draw weapons. Not enough.
The Moraliths enter the shady cockerel. Morlar the Strong is in the lead.
He looks disgustedly at the town folk, led by Hildi and her friends. Ha ha ha ha! This will be easier than I thought.
Just a bunch of women and a couple of really petite men. Give the word, Captain! I want to drink blood! You know what we're here for.
Urgral, the horned one, seeks it. Give me what I seek, and I shall kill you quickly.
I can't say I love that deal. Morliths, you may attack when ready, and drink the blood of numerous babies.
Hildy looks at Morlar the Strong. She wonders, what is he staring at behind the bar? Gerd is attacked and swarmed by Morliths.
Warhammer! Warhammer! Why do you say Warhammer while you kill them? Well, friend, my mom used to say it when she would kill enemies with her Warhammer! Families, am I right? Hildy now wields a sword in both hands. She stabs and dodges the ever-growing crowd of Morliths.
Yet she notices that Morlar the Strong still isn't engaged in the fight. What's he doing? He's looking at that old scabbard we've had hanging back there behind the bar forever.
What's a scabbard again, best friend? It's the sheets for the sword. Purda, I need your speed.
Don't let him grab it! Purda gracefully leaps towards the scabbard, grabbing it seconds before Morlar the Strong can clutch it in his huge, ugly hands. Hildy, catch! Got it! You stole what is mine! Now you die! Not today, because I'm really, really fast! Perta jumps away seconds before Morlar's mighty mace can smash her head.
Warhammer! Gerd on your left! Gerd looks to her left, and there are just too many Morliths to fight at once. Oh, no.
Gerd, thinking she has just been given a death blow, sees that what she thought was a Morlith landing a strike to her mighty chest was really Perda underneath a Morlith, and she's just sunk a dagger into his unholy scrotum. Okay, you are now my second best friend.
Hell yes! The one with the hammer is strong, my lord. Warhammer! Warhammer! Second wave! As the rest of the Moorahs heed the call for the second wave to enter the Shady Cockerel, they are met by a curious sight in the street outside the tavern.
What is that? It's a woman. What's that on its face? It's a gas mask mate.
Mirabelle steadies herself and closes the door to the cockerel. Kill her.
It's funny really because I was trying to create a natural facial cleanser and what I created by accident is actually the deadliest potion known to womankind and as much as I hate to kill so many of anything, well, you're all unspeakably evil. So, bye bye mates.
Mirabelle smashes the crystals to the ground, releasing the dreadful poison into the air. Keep that door closed inside! This is seriously wicked stuff, and also it's a really horrible exfoliator.
Morlar the Strong! Face me! Oh, I shall. I have the wonderful good fortune to end your life today.
And Ur-Gral the Horned One shall reassemble the pieces of the dread Aegis and all Golgaroth shall bend to his will. Morlar, our battle will live on in legend.
The bards will sing of this clap. Warhammer! Gurd strikes a mighty blow upon Morlar the Strong, smashing his head into a million pieces.
Ah, Gerd! I was gonna kill him. I had, like, a whole plan.
Upon seeing their fierce leader killed, the rest of the Morlifs flee like rats. We've won! We've won the battle! Um, Al? Wait, what happened? Uh, Morlar stabbed me a little bit.
Mirabelle, get in here! I can't! The air outside is still poison. Luckily, you're inside with the door closed, so no poison can reach you as it dissipates into the Golgorathian atmosphere.
Kurt, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay.
I'm gonna grab the cloth off the bar. No, not that one, please.
The clean one.

Am I dying? Very best friend.

Am I dying? Very best friend. Let me look.
Let me look. Oh, thank the gods, no.
You're gonna have quite a scar, but you'll live. Especially if Mirabelle can give you a potion that's worth a shit.
I'm going to come inside in 10, 9, 8. This doesn't seem like science.
You're just randomly counting down from ten saying it's safe. Three, two, one.
And you skipped four numbers. Here I come.
Mirabelle rushes into the tavern. Good.
Oh, my sweet good. Just a second, mate.
Let me give you some potion. I should tell you, Mirabelle, that I've always loved you, my second or now third best friend, but I wish you were my first best girlfriend.
Oh, well that's lovely. Okay, confession time.
I've always hoped that you'd fancied me, but you're not going to die, okay? Here, drink this. Wait, wait, wait a minute, wait.
Are you sure that that's the right potion? Of course I am. Oh, wait.
Oh, actually, no, no, don't drink that. Do not drink that.
Damn it, Mirabelle, always double check. We've been through this, please.
Oh my gosh, yeah, you're right, I know. I'm so glad that you said something, Hildy.
She would have been a goner for sure if she'd drunk that. And then I'd be out of a new girlfriend.
This one is the right one. Gerd takes a sip of the potion,

and it tastes slightly less horrific than Mirabelle's usual potions.

You are so brave. Let me kiss your cheek.

Mirabelle does kiss Gerd's cheek.

And whether it is because the potion actually has healing powers,

or perhaps the kiss from a new girlfriend, Color flushes back to her mighty cheeks. Wow.
If I hadn't been so recently stabbed, I would call this day perfect. Hey, goodness, it looks like you're going to be okay.
I have to be honest. I don't think I could handle any more surprises today.
With that, footsteps approached them. Hi, Hildy.
What did I miss? Fennec? You're alive! It's got to be me. I must set us all free.
It's my destiny. My name is Hildi

And I'm forging and living as a lake of fire

There is a lake of fire

My name is Hildi

The Farback!