Introducing: Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire

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Speaker 1 Hi, listeners. I'm thrilled to let you know about Lemonada Media's newest podcast, Hildi the Barback and the Lake of Fire.
Something we talked about Melissa McCarthy about on Sunday.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 4 Get ready for a wild, mythical adventure. Melissa McCarthy leads an all-star cast in a hilarious new podcast, Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire.

Speaker 1 Sounds fun.

Speaker 1 In this fantastical fictional tale for grown-ups, McCarthy stars as Hildy, an unlikely hero from the land of Gal Gorath, who must embark on an epic quest with an unlikely team of warriors to save the world.

Speaker 4 Starring Melissa McCarthy, Ben Falcone, Octavia Spencer, Glenn Close, and more. Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire spins a legendary laugh-out-loud tale you won't want to miss.

Speaker 4 And we heard all about it when we interviewed both of them.

Speaker 1 You're about to hear the first episode of Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire.

Speaker 1 After you hear this episode, search for Hildy the Barback and the Lake of Fire on your podcast app to hear more episodes.

Speaker 1 You can also find a link in the episode description to take you there.

Speaker 10 This is Glenn Close. The Golgoroth Alliance is proud to present Hildi the Barbak and the Lake of Fire.

Speaker 10 This presentation is brought to you by Theater

Speaker 13 of the Mind.

Speaker 13 Theater,

Speaker 13 Theater,

Speaker 13 Theater!

Speaker 12 Chapter 1, The Beginning

Speaker 11 Many ages ago, there was a verdant green land named Golgorath. It was a land full of magic, legend, and high adventure.
From time immemorial, the tales of Golgorath featured heroes who were...

Speaker 11 How do I say this? They were all dudes. But in the year 361, in the waning years of the Oluru, a new hero found her voice.
She was unparalleled in her sense of integrity and justice.

Speaker 11 She was also a barback. Her name was Hildi.

Speaker 15 My name is Hildi.

Speaker 15 I am a barback at a medieval pub with peasants galore and piss on the floor.

Speaker 11 I long for something more.

Speaker 2 We are in peril from the evil one whose soul desires to turn my shire into a lake of fire.

Speaker 14 The men folks say they'll protect me, but they won't fuck up my cup of coffee.

Speaker 16 It's got to be me,

Speaker 17 I must set us all free.

Speaker 17 It's my destiny,

Speaker 17 my name is Hildy.

Speaker 17 I'm unfortunately

Speaker 17 for me.

Speaker 17 My name

Speaker 11 We begin our tale in the quiet village of Mirvale at the Shady Cockrell, a quaint pub that has been in Hildy's family for generations.

Speaker 11 Our hero, Hildy Hillsbury, is visited by her friends Gerd, Perta, and Mirabel.

Speaker 11 But Hildy is currently unable to enjoy their company as she's busy trying to settle an argument between two dim-witted patrons of the pub.

Speaker 18 I says that the sky is light blue.

Speaker 18 I says the sky is sky blue.

Speaker 16 Jance, please, unclench your moist meat paws.

Speaker 16 You know good and well, there's no fighting in the pub.

Speaker 19 Also, you can't say the word of what the color is when you say what it's describing. It's like saying the frog is frog green.

Speaker 11 This is Perta, a merchant, cunning and wise.

Speaker 20 Frogs are not green, they're olive.

Speaker 2 Show me.

Speaker 2 No, they're teal. No, they're not.
Teal is taking colour. You can't do that child.

Speaker 21 Mirabel, can't you put a spell of forgetfulness on them or something?

Speaker 13 Sorry, mate, that's a super hard spell to execute. I've been working on it, but every time I try, something really ominous happens.

Speaker 11 This is Mirabel, an eccentric alchemist and sorceress in training.

Speaker 22 Should I decimate these bags of fecal pooping with my Warhammer, Hildi, my very best friend?

Speaker 11 This is Gerd, a half-giant, powerful and loyal friend to Hildi.

Speaker 16 No, Gerd, no, you should not.

Speaker 11 Thank you, but I will handle this.

Speaker 24 Hey, half-giant, I'm arguing with my friend here.

Speaker 2 You women folk had best be quieter here. Oh,

Speaker 16 judging by your breath, gentlemen, which I don't actually mean, I still am quite confident that you do evacuate your bowels through your mouth.

Speaker 24 How dare you, winch!

Speaker 16 Oh,

Speaker 16 there we go. Winch! That's the magic word.
Anyone who says it gets a pie of meat?

Speaker 23 No.

Speaker 25 Foot massage.

Speaker 16 No pony. Not today, but you do get a dick punch.

Speaker 2 You get another dick punch.

Speaker 2 Don't get a dick punch too.

Speaker 16 Guess what?

Speaker 16 Because I've got a special running today where you get a third dick punch.

Speaker 16 Oh, bird, would you mind taking out the trash?

Speaker 22 Yeah, I'll take them out like yesterday's bags of trash.

Speaker 11 Hearing the commotion, Hildi's brother Finnec rushes in from the back office.

Speaker 11 Finnec is slow and lazy, and yet was given ownership of the bar upon their parents' death instead of Hildi because, you know, patriarchy.

Speaker 11 So Hildi actually runs the bar while Finneck does whatever the hell it is that he does.

Speaker 2 Gerd.

Speaker 20 Gerd, unhand those fine men. They're paying customers.

Speaker 16 Well, yeah, they've been banished, Fennec. They haven't paid their bill in months, and they're fighting about colors again.
I've given them each a multitude of warnings, so no.

Speaker 23 Or yes.

Speaker 20 I say they're not banished, and I'm the owner of the shady cockroll.

Speaker 16 Okay, indeed. You are technically the owner of the bar, Fennec, because women cannot own taverns in this insane bullshit age.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what I just said.

Speaker 16 And if you say it again, you will no longer possess the penis that is currently ruining your undershorts. What?

Speaker 12 If you test me, brother, I will burn you until you're dead, and then I'm going to bury you alive.

Speaker 20 Yeah. That doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 16 I think it does, because first I'm going to kill you by burning you, then I'm going to bring you back to life just so I can chop you up again. A little big mulch.

Speaker 16 Throw you the animals, have the animals eat you, then I'm going to have the animals shit you back out, and then I'm going to put a nice little rope around that area.

Speaker 10 And that's going to be the shady cock girl's new restroom.

Speaker 20 Just don't let Janik the drunkard

Speaker 23 Yannick.

Speaker 2 Only Yannick.

Speaker 16 It's going to be his personal place to do what he does. And you know what he can do to a chamber pot.
Takes the finish off.

Speaker 20 Well, after a consult with my sister, and as the proprietor of this establishment, they are banished.

Speaker 2 Her, throw them out.

Speaker 22 You got it, Pheasant.

Speaker 20 You know my name is Fennett.

Speaker 18 Okay,

Speaker 20 that's done. I'm gonna go to my office now and.

Speaker 10 Nope, don't do the thing you do.

Speaker 20 Hey, everybody, drinks are on me.

Speaker 2 Never a good idea.

Speaker 16 I explain it to you, then you get it, and you forget, you do it again.

Speaker 26 I want people to like me.

Speaker 16 I mean, maybe you should think about trying to work on your personality then.

Speaker 2 I don't want to do that.

Speaker 16 Yeah, it's a Gorlock.

Speaker 2 What is a Gorlock doing in my tavern?

Speaker 11 A Gorlock is a small humanoid creature, similar to a goblin, but with slightly better breath.

Speaker 27 Get behind me, y'all, as I raise my

Speaker 2 war hammer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait!

Speaker 16 Lower your mighty Warhammer, Kerd. Unless my eyes deceive me, I may know this Gorlock.

Speaker 24 And lo,

Speaker 11 Hildi did in fact know this Gorlock. And upon looking more closely, she can decipher that he's bleeding from many arrows.

Speaker 18 I am bleeding from many arrows.

Speaker 16 Mirabel, is there a spell that can help him?

Speaker 13 No, Hildi. This poor creature is beyond my aid.
Here, friend, have some potion for comfort.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 18 That tastes just terrible.

Speaker 13 Okay, so this one has got no healing qualities. It's just supposed to taste good.
Well, it's awful.

Speaker 18 It's somehow bitter, yet cloyingly sweet. The finish is almost mind-bogglingly terrifying.

Speaker 13 Thank you so much for that feedback.

Speaker 16 Irabel, you gotta get a handle on your potions.

Speaker 18 As I die, sweet Hildi. Do you remember when we'd play together as children in the sands?

Speaker 10 Sand.

Speaker 18 Yes, the sand.

Speaker 24 Yes, yes.

Speaker 20 I was just recalling.

Speaker 18 We'd play in as children.

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 18 Sandy sand.

Speaker 18 You were my best friend. Oh.

Speaker 2 My only friend. Oh, Jesus.
Um,

Speaker 2 uh,

Speaker 21 sh ye. Sure.
Yeah, that's that.

Speaker 16 Yeah, you definitely remember that.

Speaker 20 Friend.

Speaker 18 I have come to warn you, the Morliths are coming.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 16 Morliths, this is not good.

Speaker 11 Morliths, by the by, are ruined creatures of pure evil. They're taller than men with claws like iron and cold black eyes.
They've served the Dark Masters of Golgorap since before the beginning.

Speaker 18 I scout these lands and I saw them. The Morliths are at least a hundred strong.
They seek the Dread Aegis.

Speaker 11 The Dread Aegis, also known as the Armor of Doom, there are five separate pieces. The helm of magic, the gauntlet of might,

Speaker 11 the boots of destiny, the sword of power, and the scabbard of fate.

Speaker 18 After the elves, humans and good creatures of the ancient times banded together and defeated Gathlamor, the evil one.

Speaker 18 Oh! Ow! It still hurts so much!

Speaker 18 They hid each of the five separate pieces of the Dread Aegis in five different places strewn far and wide across Golgorath, where they believed no one could find them but now evil is rising someone someone wants to put the five pieces back together again and rule all

Speaker 2 Hildi

Speaker 18 I always thought that someday we'd be married oh

Speaker 24 uh

Speaker 18 yes yes we both thought it so many times I thought about that so many

Speaker 16 times I did dream of that I thought that too a bunch of times, my dear friend, who I definitely, definitely remember from when we were children.

Speaker 12 Innocent, innocent.

Speaker 16 Innocent, playing on the sand with me singing.

Speaker 26 Before I die, let me hear you whisper my name.

Speaker 2 Ah,

Speaker 2 fuck.

Speaker 15 Do you not know his name?

Speaker 23 No. Do you?

Speaker 23 No, I don't know his name.

Speaker 21 Does he look up? Maybe a John or a... It could be a John.

Speaker 13 It could be a Luscius. Or Lucius.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 28 I thank you for the warning. Sleep.
The sleep of the gallant. Sweet, sweet.

Speaker 11 Lucius?

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 18 Wait, who the fuck is Lucius?

Speaker 11 Oh, shit.

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Speaker 11 Later that evening in the center of town, the citizens of Mirvale hold a meeting with the Council of the Seven Village Elders who are all dudes.

Speaker 20 And much to Hildi's chagrin her idiot brother Finneck is the leader of the council even though Morliths attack from time to time as we all know they have never attacked our village in numbers

Speaker 2 yet now 100 Morliths are coming

Speaker 20 for what reason

Speaker 16 esteemed guests we do not know we do know they're seeking one of the pieces of the dread ages the gorlock literally just told us that in great specific specific detail.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I didn't get all that. Gentlemen of the Council of the Elders Seven,

Speaker 21 what say you?

Speaker 16 Wait, wait, look, listen, why don't we just send Mirabel's raven out to see what they're actually up to? This way, we can better plan our defenses.

Speaker 13 My raven, Wandreth, is quite a fast flyer, and though she only speaks in song, she is very efficient.

Speaker 17 I speak only in song, the day is long, how can this be wrong?

Speaker 20 Honestly, that bird creeps everyone out, Mirabel. It really does.
Also, also, her songs barely have any rhymes. Have you ever heard of a rhyme scheme, Raven?

Speaker 17 A-A-B-B-B-A, what kind of rhyme would you like to do?

Speaker 20 Gentlemen, irregardless of my respected sister statement, I believe that we need to march forth and meet these Morliths head off.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 16 The Gorlock said there are a hundred Morliths headed towards us. And your solution is to take seven men and ride straight at them?

Speaker 20 Oh, Hildy, Hildy, Hildy, my simple,

Speaker 20 sweet younger sister, who I love with all of my heart.

Speaker 20 You just don't get it. Sometimes, as a man, you need to put on some armor,

Speaker 26 mount your horse,

Speaker 20 and go into battle to kick some fucking ass.

Speaker 14 Men, please, please listen to me.

Speaker 21 Don't do this. We can make a better plan.

Speaker 16 At least you could take Gerd with you.

Speaker 16 She could defeat all seven of you in one battle. No way.

Speaker 22 I am strong indeed, but not stupid enough to go fight a hundred more or less with these soon-to-be-dead idiots.

Speaker 15 Panicky,

Speaker 16 listen, I know we've had our differences, and I know that recently

Speaker 21 I may have threatened to kill you.

Speaker 20 Repeatedly.

Speaker 16 Well, you deserved it, but you're also my brother, and I do love you.

Speaker 21 And if anyone's gonna kill you, it should be me.

Speaker 2 So I'm asking you, please don't go.

Speaker 18 I must.

Speaker 20 We will return in victory.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 20 free drinks of the shady cockkerel for everyone forever.

Speaker 2 Men,

Speaker 2 to battle!

Speaker 11 Finneck leads a charge of the seven brave fools as they gallop up the hillside.

Speaker 11 If only they had heeded Hildi's warning, perhaps Mirabel's Raven Wandereth would have seen that the Morliths were not alone as they charged westward towards Mirvale.

Speaker 11 No, they were led by a mighty Urdragon, far from its home in Shah Adu. It is a size of 30 horses with mighty wings, razor talons, and a breath of flame.

Speaker 2 The dragon sits on his rocky throne on the mountain top in quiet repose.

Speaker 2 He gazes out into the night at his earthly realm, his eyes aglow, and you bravely climb the rock face with your sword of iron and your armor gleaming to bravely face the beast.

Speaker 2 All the townsfolk look up from below

Speaker 2 and say,

Speaker 2 Are you fucking stupid?

Speaker 2 Why would you ever fuck with a dragon? You can't wish having more on.

Speaker 2 Have you never read a storybook? I'd like it to secret.

Speaker 2 First, he's gonna bathe you in hot fire, and then he's gonna swallow you home,

Speaker 2 and he's gonna shit you into a volcano.

Speaker 2 All of this could have been avoided. But you were the fool

Speaker 2 who

Speaker 2 thought he could fuck with a dragon.

Speaker 2 You are the fool

Speaker 2 who

Speaker 2 thought he could fuck with a dragon, stupid, stupid asshole.

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Speaker 11 The dragon blows her mighty breath of flame.

Speaker 11 And the men from Mirvale are instantly incinerated.

Speaker 11 Oh no!

Speaker 11 Finny!

Speaker 11 My brother!

Speaker 11 My only brother is dead. In the distance, we hear the sound of 100 Morliff soldiers as they crest the hillside.
A sound that would chill anyone to the bone.

Speaker 16 Hey, everyone!

Speaker 21 Get back to the shady cockkerel.

Speaker 30 We'll bar the doors.

Speaker 16 Mirabel stop at your house and bring the forbidden potions.

Speaker 13 I'm not so sure about that, Hildi. My potion abilities are not yet mastered.

Speaker 5 That's exactly what I'm counting on.

Speaker 16 Bring the absolute worst potions you can find. We'll need everything you have if you want to stay alive.

Speaker 13 Okay, I get you, mate. Look, I'll be there in a jiffy.

Speaker 19 Into the cockerel. Put the kids and caregivers into the back room.

Speaker 22 No pushing or shoving, please. Can you please help me brace the door?

Speaker 22 Hildi, my very best friend, I see so many Morliths marching in such an evil manner.

Speaker 11 A large Morlith, the leader named Morlar the Strong, leads the charge.

Speaker 2 Leave none of them alive! We shall drink their deliciously yummy blood!

Speaker 22 Hildi, they're close now. What do we do, first best friend?

Speaker 16 First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna pray to Balthazar with our left hand, and then we're gonna kick a little ass with our right.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 11 that's cool.

Speaker 13 Very best friend.

Speaker 21 That sounded really cool. Thank you.

Speaker 13 I felt good about it.

Speaker 16 I say let them come for us. They'll find that the women of this village have sharper teeth than the men.
No offense to the men, President, but we do need you to fight too.

Speaker 16 But you're, you know, you're not great, usually. Look there upon the bar.
There are swords and shields for everyone. That's you.
You know who I'm talking to. Nicholas! Put it down!

Speaker 11 There were only 25 townspeople in the Cockrell who were fit to draw weapons.

Speaker 2 Not enough.

Speaker 11 The Morliths enter the shady cockrel. Morlar the Strong is in the lead.
He looks disgustedly at the townfolk, led by Hildi and her friends.

Speaker 2 This will be easier than I thought. Just a bunch of women and a couple of really petite men.
Give the word, Captain. I want to drink blood.
You know what we're here for.

Speaker 2 Urgral the horned one seeks it.

Speaker 24 Give me what I seek and I shall kill you quickly.

Speaker 16 I can't say I love that deal.

Speaker 2 Morliths, you may attack when ready and drink the blood of numerous babies.

Speaker 11 Hildi looks at Morlaw the Strong. She wonders, what is he staring at behind the bar?

Speaker 11 Gerd is attacked and swarmed by Morliths.

Speaker 2 Warhammer!

Speaker 2 Warhammer!

Speaker 19 Why do you say Warhammer while you kill them?

Speaker 22 Well, friend, my mom used to say it when she would kill enemies with her Warhammer!

Speaker 16 Families, am I right?

Speaker 11 Hildy now wields a sword in both hands. She stabs and dodges the ever-growing crowd of Morliths.
Yet she notices that Morlar the Strong still isn't engaged in the fight.

Speaker 16 What's he doing? He's looking at that old scabbard we had hanging back there behind the bar forever.

Speaker 22 What's a scabbard again, best friend?

Speaker 16 The sheath with a sword. Purda, I need your speed.
Don't let him grab it.

Speaker 11 Purda gracefully leaps towards the scabbard, grabbing it seconds before Morlar the Straw can clutch it in his huge, ugly hands.

Speaker 11 Hildy, catch!

Speaker 2 Got it! You stole what is mine! Now you die!

Speaker 16 Not today! Because I'm really, really fast!

Speaker 11 Purda jumps away seconds before Morlar's mighty mace can smash her head.

Speaker 2 Warhammer!

Speaker 16 Gerd on your left!

Speaker 11 Gerd looks to her left, and there are just too many Morliths to fight at once.

Speaker 22 Oh no.

Speaker 11 Gerd, thinking she has just been given a death blow, sees that what she thought was a Morlith landing a strike to her mighty chest was really Purda underneath a Morlith, and she's just sunk a dagger into his unholy scrope.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 22 you are now my second best friend.

Speaker 20 Hell yes!

Speaker 2 The one with the hammer is strong, my lord! Warhammer!

Speaker 2 Warhammer! Second wave!

Speaker 11 As the rest of the Morliths heed the call for the second wave to enter the shady cockrobe, they are met by a curious sight in the street outside the tavern.

Speaker 2 What is that? It's a woman.

Speaker 18 What's that on its face?

Speaker 13 It's a gas mask, mate.

Speaker 11 Mirabel steadies herself and closes the door to the cockerel.

Speaker 24 Kill her!

Speaker 13 It's funny, really, because I was trying to create a natural facial cleanser, and what I created by accident is actually the deadliest potion known to womankind.

Speaker 13 And as much as I hate to kill so many of anything, well, you're all unspeakably evil, so bye-bye, mates.

Speaker 11 Mirabel smashes the crystals to the ground, releasing the dreadful poison into the air.

Speaker 30 Keep that door closed inside. This is seriously wicked stuff, and also a surreally horrible exfoliator.

Speaker 16 Morla the strong!

Speaker 24 Face me!

Speaker 2 Oh, I shall. I have the wonderful good fortune to end your life today.

Speaker 2 And Urgirl the Horned One shall reassemble the pieces of the Dread Aegis. And all Golgoroth shall bend to his will.

Speaker 16 Morlar, our battle will live on in legend. The birds will sing of this clash.

Speaker 11 Gerd strikes a mighty blow upon Morlar the strong,

Speaker 11 smashing his head into a million pieces. Ah, Gerd!

Speaker 16 I was gonna kill him.

Speaker 2 I had like a whole plan.

Speaker 11 Upon seeing their fierce leader killed, the rest of the Morliths flee like rats.

Speaker 11 We've won!

Speaker 2 We've won the battle! Um, Al?

Speaker 26 Wait, what? What happened?

Speaker 22 Um, Morlar stabbed me a little bit.

Speaker 16 Mirabelle, get in here!

Speaker 26 I can't!

Speaker 21 The air outside is still poisoned. Luckily, you're inside with the door closed, so no poison can reach you as it dissipates into the Golgarathian atmosphere.

Speaker 16 Kurt, you're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay, Purden, grab the cloth off the bar.

Speaker 16 No, not that one, please. The clean one.

Speaker 2 Am I dying, very best friend?

Speaker 22 Am I dying, very best friend?

Speaker 14 Let me look.

Speaker 2 Let me look.

Speaker 23 Oh, thank the gods. No.

Speaker 16 You're gonna have quite a scar, but you'll live. Especially if Mirabel can give you a potion that's worth a shit.

Speaker 30 I'm going to come inside in 10, 9, 8.

Speaker 19 This doesn't seem like science. You're just randomly counting down from 10, saying it's safe.

Speaker 2 3, 2, 1.

Speaker 21 And you skipped four numbers. Here I come.

Speaker 11 Mirabelle rushes into the tavern.

Speaker 21 Good, oh my sweet good.

Speaker 13 Just a secon mate, let me give you some potion.

Speaker 22 I should tell you, Mirabel, that I've always loved you, my second or now third best friend. But I wish you were my first best

Speaker 14 girlfriend. Oh.

Speaker 13 Well, that's lovely. Okay, confession time.
I've always hoped that you'd fancied me, but you're not going to die, okay? Here, drink this.

Speaker 16 Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait.
Are you sure that that's the right potion?

Speaker 21 Of course I am. Oh, wait.

Speaker 13 Oh, actually, no, no, don't drink that. Do not drink that.

Speaker 19 Damn it, Mirabel, always double check. We've been through this, please.

Speaker 13 Oh, my gosh, yeah, you're right. I know.
I'm so glad that you said something, Hildy. She would have been a goner for sure if she'd drunk that.
And then I'd be out of a new girlfriend.

Speaker 13 This one is the right one.

Speaker 11 Gerd takes a sip of the potion, and it tastes slightly less horrific than Mirabel's usual potions.

Speaker 13 You are so brave. Let me kiss your cheek.

Speaker 11 Mirabel does kiss Gerd's cheek. And whether it is because the potion actually has healing powers or perhaps the kiss from a new girlfriend,

Speaker 11 color flushes back to her mighty cheeks.

Speaker 2 Wow,

Speaker 22 if I hadn't been so recently stabbed, I would call this day perfect.

Speaker 28 Thank goodness, it looks like you're gonna be okay.

Speaker 16 I have to be honest, I don't think I could handle any more surprises today.

Speaker 2 With that,

Speaker 11 footsteps approach them.

Speaker 2 Hi, Hildy.

Speaker 20 What did I miss? Oh,

Speaker 30 Fennec? You're alive.

Speaker 21 It's got to be me.

Speaker 21 I'm a set of free.

Speaker 21 It's my destiny.

Speaker 21 My name is Hildy.

Speaker 21 I'm a fortunate member of the May of Fire.

Speaker 21 My name is Hildy.