Fresh Looks & JLo’s Roach

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Hunter Biden has just joined the podcast.

My hair is slick.

Whoa, can you hear?

God dang, she slicked it, Heather.

Yeah,

I'm gonna try these.

Oh, yeah, I'm black and white.

Look at us.

Oh.

Shit.

It looks a little Richard Petty on your end.

Do you mind my hat?

I mean, first of all, don't be frustrated.

Don't be jealous.

Just live with it.

Just soak it in and deal with it.

This is...

Accept it.

Yeah, it's Christian Bale and 310 from Yuma.

It's hard to get a cool hat.

I'm part cowboy.

You know, I live on a farm.

Yes.

A ranch, you will.

If you will.

And look,

I could put it to ask questions.

Do I look cool in this hat?

Yes.

Does the jean jacket work with the black t-shirt?

Yes.

Do people love the Superman guy back there?

Yes.

Are they excited by your new look?

I don't know.

We'll find out.

No, my hair is combed and I got the chops in,

but I'm trying to to grow the middle out again it's just not as fast as i want you know what you look like right now yeah is basically and it's a compliment you look like a mob boss i mean you look like someone who because the mustache and the thing i mean you look like you you're gonna call a hit on somebody

my glasses look bigger than normal right i don't know why maybe it's because this weird angle maybe we gotta because the hair slick back yeah maybe god it's like way back

yeah what's with this slicky mc slick yeah Form director.

And action.

And action.

Let's get into it, everybody.

There was something I wanted to share with you.

I did a second, you know, a philosophy of life that helps me.

You know,

a friend of mine used to say this to me.

He'd say, and he was from Brooklyn.

He'd go about life.

He'd go, You do what you do.

I do what I do.

Rubber chicken, capisch.

Never heard that one.

But think about the brilliance of that.

You do what you do, I do what I do.

Rubber chicken, capish.

But what's the rubber chicken part?

I never knew.

Okay, I never knew.

I get the do your own thing, sure.

Yeah, I don't mind this.

Yeah,

yeah.

You look like a porn director.

What am I going to do?

Judge it?

I'm just going to say, you're going to, you look like a porn director.

I look like Christian Bale from 310 to Yuma.

I'm the porn director that has to come on that couch and go.

This is a modeling audition, but let's lose the top.

Dana, a lot of people that live out there, like my brother lives up by San Fran and

I know where he is.

He has those big pineapple picker hats.

Do you have one of those at the old?

Absolutely.

That's like you, they're everywhere.

Every hardware store has a giant like sort of sombrero, basically.

Maybe I'll take a break halfway through and put it on.

And it's complete coverage because I get just blasted out here because i don't like i'm not a sunscreen guy i mean you get in the morning

and sunscreen yourself but i don't so on the way in and out of stores it's so hot up here you go

so i i have one of those in my car and you can wear them into stores but they're giant all i'll that'll be for our next uh

fly on the wall please also you're just talking about 310 to yuma i saw a movie recently what did you see recently I saw a little thing I like to call weapons.

Weapons?

I've heard a lot about it.

I had no idea what weapons, who, you know,

what does it mean?

What is it?

What's the billboard?

All this.

Yeah,

impression of me looking online about that movie.

What's going on?

I don't know.

What is it?

You know, it's number one with the bullet.

Yep.

It's horror and mystery.

And it got 100% of rotten tomatoes.

Normally for horror films.

Fucking way.

So I I said, way.

So

I went to see it at my favorite time, high noon.

High noon.

High noon.

And

way.

So you go in.

Yeah.

Like a normal guy.

Celebrities are just like us.

Look,

I go at 11 a.m.

or noon.

These are guilty pleasures.

It's me and two chatty teenage girls up behind me.

So it's literally empty.

But I take my time.

Like I said, okay, I'm going to get some water.

I'm supposed to hydrate, right?

Oh, yeah.

So I go to the snack boss.

Suppose the hydration.

The

concessions.

Concession, yeah.

Concessions with the concessions.

So I see two people.

I won't make any judgment about them, but I don't want to exaggerate.

I think it took them probably a good 15 minutes, and they had been up at the counter before i got there it's a ghost town no one's around there's the person

hate it so it's popcorn it's frizzle sticks it it it's it's a pizza it's it's hot dogs and another large coke another large cook yeah it went on and on the guy was sweating he kept going in the back bringing out more popcorn or he's doing stuff he's got you know little baked do you have better hot dogs in the back

Let me go look.

So that was frustrating because I thought I was going to miss the the movie.

So I got up there and I realized lately, if I'm upset and I get a little henry, I start to channel Billy Bob Thornton from Landmine.

So I get up there and it's like, lady, she goes, you want any popcorn?

I go, lady, I don't want any goddamn popcorn.

I came here for a goddamn cocoa with goddamn 20 minutes.

Now you got to get some more help because guess what's on right now?

The coming attractions.

And that's the best fucking thing I see all day.

All movies suck.

You got to know that by now.

But Coming Your Tractions is two minutes of 10 movies that suck.

So give me my goddamn Coke and I'll get out of here.

She goes, that'll be $12.

$12, my ass.

So I got really into it and I walked away.

Yeah, for sure you did.

You can wave your arms around all goofy.

That's what he says in the new T-Mobile commercial.

Yeah.

They let him say goofy.

That's fucking.

I know, because, but he's so great in that part.

And can we have him come on our podcast?

I love him.

I think I've seen him out in the world.

He's too cool for school.

I He's hard to flush out.

I would like Benicio.

I would like Billy Bob.

I want Owen Wilson and Joaquin.

I know.

They're elusive.

They're light on their feet.

They're not celebrities with their schnaws out there.

What do I get?

You know, look at me.

Yeah.

So I'm just saying right now, Billy, if you're watching this goddamn podcast, you know, guess what?

Yeah, we could use some more downloads.

And we need someone with your star power.

So get your ass off the couch.

Well, I saw Freaky Friday.

No.

Can you believe this, Dana?

Why?

Well, I have a really good reason.

You know what it is?

While you were kicking back in your hammock up there, we got a call saying, do you guys want Jamie Lee Curtis tomorrow?

Can you do it tomorrow?

And I said, yeah.

And so I guess what I did ran out to Freaky Friday.

I said, one of us should see this.

And I hadn't seen the first one.

And

I went with a dude, which is even funnier.

And he's this tough guy.

And I'm eating before the movie, I kept saying, did you see the first?

Have you seen Freaky Friday?

He goes, Freakier.

I go, what are you talking about?

He goes, this one's called Freakier Friday.

Oh, shit.

Hold on.

Oh, that's me calling you.

No, it's Love It's.

Hang it up.

Hello.

Hello, you might have to get my picture back.

Come here.

But anyway, so I go.

He kept saying, it's freakier.

I go, no one doesn't know what I'm talking about.

Jesus, Lovett.

No friend?

It's silence that.

Heather texted him and tell him to zip it.

God dang, Lovis.

What do you want?

He can't live without you.

It's weird.

I love you.

I love you, Sam.

So

I go see the movie.

Anyway, by the way, long story short, Jamie Lee had to push it till December.

Oh.

But anyway, I have to say, I did like the movie.

I'm glad I went because the positives are

the Lindsay Lawrence is a talent.

She's great.

She's super adorable, cute, funny, movie star.

And Jamie Lee Curtis was funny.

And you know how they got her to do stuff?

She's the grandmother in it, which is usually sort of thankless.

But the kids, this is where it gets a little tricky.

The first one, Lindsay and Jamie Lee Curtis flip-flopped, right?

I guess lightning bolt hits or something, whatever happens.

This one,

her kid and her friend at school are fighting.

A dark-haired girl.

Okay.

So you got to follow this.

They hate each other.

Right.

Now, spoiler alert.

Turn it off.

Don't turn it off, though.

Turn on mute.

So Lindsay Lowen goes to,

what is it called?

A truth, a future teller, whatever.

Fortune teller?

Jesus.

God dang.

What the fuck?

They go to talk to a regular person on the goddamn show.

What the fuck am I doing on this show?

I'm a pro talker, too.

And you are.

You're a professional talker.

So go ahead.

Who swaps?

Look it up, Heather.

Who is the girl as a fortune teller?

It's on, she's on, she was on SNL.

She's funny.

And she does a great job.

You know, the lightning hits and the wiggling.

Oh, Heidi Gardner.

It wasn't Heidi Gardner.

It wasn't Rachel Dredge.

Sort of that era.

And

so, anyway, but they flip-flop like this.

Jamie Lee goes into the friend.

Lindsay Lowen goes into her daughter.

The friend goes into Jamie Lee.

So whenever someone talks, you're like, I need a fucking schematic.

So it's a triple swap.

It's a quadruple swap.

That's why it's freakier.

Because the first one was just mother-daughter swap.

Yeah, freakier isn't a strong enough word.

It's confusing Friday.

It's all right.

You know, you go for the quadplex with the forsome on there swamping.

You spend half the time doing calculus instead of drawing your mouth.

FBI chart behind you with all the names.

Okay, this person just said this joke.

That means she's old now talking about pampers.

But they did, it was a little more clever than I thought.

It was kind of well written.

And the scenes all lent themselves, you know.

Low expectations much?

Look.

Well, I didn't know.

I thought it was like for children and it was kind of funny.

You know, so I'll give it up.

I think you said weapons was really good we didn't get into it but you said weapons that was vanessa bayer by the way look okay good yeah um two things one is when i when i see these sequels years later i just go with ai

ways world three i'm just putting it out there

and what would you do you could also do it as a puppet show

you could do anything as a puppet you could just do little puppets and go hey guard

I have a Garth puppet.

It's in the garage, though.

I'm bringing that up.

I'm bringing my puppets puppets out for the next one.

They're just popping.

Shit.

Shit.

God damn it.

No,

Weapons was one of those just great movies.

That's all I can say.

I heard this, and I don't want you to give it away because I think people are still seeing it.

Right.

I won't give it away.

I gave all of Freaky Friday away.

But Weapons is, someone said it actually has comedy infused in it, quality comedy.

So it's an interesting hybrid.

Right.

I will say that possible.

No one is trying to be funny the comedy completely comes out of oh okay characters and the situations they're in um

that the casting of the people is perfect amy madigan is in it and for a long time i didn't know god who is this yeah yeah yeah because she plays a cool weird character she's good uh you know uh josh brolin like he's he's uh stocky enough that when he punches something, you know, you kind of believe that he's going to do damage, you know?

Thanos.

Yeah, he's a bruiser player.

He has a cool old school dude look.

Yeah.

And I'm sorry.

The lead is so good.

Can you look this up, guys?

Can we get one of our 500 team?

Yeah.

You know, the credit roll at the end, it's number 17.

We'll figure this out.

Who is it?

The lead guy?

No, the woman who played this school teacher.

Look how you just pushed in.

Did you see this, heather?

I didn't do anything.

Oh, that's hysterical.

Oh, look at you.

Oh, I can see you better now.

Now I can see you.

No one can see what happened is Dana's.

We'd have a split screen, but we're small.

Dana got bigger, which he liked.

And that's what I'm sure he was so excited about that.

And then it went, we're both big.

Oh, my God.

This is grounded.

This is something where we should call George Lucas.

Instead of Freakier Friday, this is Flyer.

Yeah.

Wally.

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Well, what we learned is the people in weapons, it's funny, but they're not sweaty and thirsty like us, begging for laughs.

It's like a Stephen King book to me, or it's been influenced by different things, but it makes something new and it just really works.

And even for myself, because I know the rabbit gets out of the hat, when the person's in the dark, haunted room.

and the camera goes tight on them, you're waiting for the pop.

You're waiting for the phew, you know?

Yeah.

So I still, at this age, I just squint.

At that point, I don't want to, I know it's coming.

I still want to.

I actually do that too, or I cover my eyes or my ears because it's too much of a jump scare.

Yeah, there was also just a sound scare.

And I'm, no one would believe this.

I'm such a colossal pussy that I can't.

I've never seen a scary movie, never seen Exorcist, Halloween, anything.

Amityville, these old ones, Friday 13th, nothing.

So this one feels like it's a little scary and our kids involved makes it scarier.

Yeah, everyone knows the basic premise.

17.

Okay.

There's kids involved.

There's kids involved.

Well, they're on a poster.

So they're doing something.

But most of the movie is just, you're into like a mystery of missing people.

I like it.

Okay, so it's clever.

It's clever.

Who's going where?

And so I'm going to see it again.

It's very

handle.

Well, I didn't want to say this, but we should have, if I could do confetti, I would.

But that is now, according to my AI, that's the hundredth time us doing this podcast where you called yourself a colossal.

Oh, is it really?

Is that one of my big things?

Colossal pussy.

Well, people are onto it now.

You're actually kind of a tough character.

You're never afraid on an airplane.

I'm strapped in, sucking on a Heineken.

You're up there kind of singing and dancing.

I have to tell you, when I was living in Casa Grande, Arizona, from when I was eight to 12, my brother, you know, it's desert.

So the fun things to do are connect or collect snakes and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

So we had in his room, my mom let him.

We had no dad around.

So this is where

this kind of gets a little lopsided.

But she let him have five rattlesnakes in a cage in his room, a Boa constrictor and a Python.

Python got out.

Boa got out.

And one time he came up to me with the rattlesnake.

He's got gloves on.

And he goes, touch it.

Touch it.

And I go, no.

And he goes, touch it.

Touch it or I'll bash your face.

So I touched the front of it.

What are you doing?

I don't know what the story game is here.

Be beat up or touch it.

He was very pushy about it.

I think that was, I wasn't supposed to touch it, but it didn't bite me.

So I think he was holding it so tight it didn't get to go gadouche.

Yeah, I've said this before, but you know, we used to have kids,

performer Desert Dan.

at a birthday party, all these kids would bring all his little rabbits and tortoises and a bow constrictor.

And what dad here will volunteer to have Arnold, Arnold, the bow constrictor?

So I, the kid look at, I go, okay.

So it gets around my neck and then it starts tightening.

Of course.

And the kids are laughing.

Ah,

you're going to die.

Arnold likes you.

That's why he's

hugging you.

No.

So that's my.

I'm going to cough now because of that.

Okay.

Don't do those tricky bits, dude.

That was, that really constricted me.

But yeah, it sounds like you and your brother had a delightful relationship.

I will say, I might have told you this, but Brian, my brother, is great, and he's the toughest one.

So he

definitely got bit by one of the rattlers.

But

one time we were, we found a rattlesnake on our driveway.

My stepdad, who was a little buzzed, came home from work and

he saw us with tennis rackets on the

driveway for about 20 minutes.

We were trying to wrangle it to pick it up behind the head and put it in a jug of empty milk cart, not a full one.

And then it kind of stays in the bottom.

It doesn't, it's hard to get out.

So we're doing this maneuver and he comes home and he's drunk and he goes, what are you doing?

Trying to play tennis with it.

That was his first big laugh.

And then we said, no, we're trying to get in the milk cart.

And he goes, you just pick it up and put it in.

And

it bit him.

Now, we knew there was a reason reason why we weren't just picking it up and putting it and it bit him and then he goes

and then he stuffed it in acted like it was nothing there you go and he goes i'm gonna go take a nap i go i bet you will so he went in and we were over how old were you giving your dad

we were probably 9 11 and 13.

okay my stepdad so we could push him a little bit yeah and uh

and then we were like all three lined up like the Brady bunch looking into the living room.

He's asleep and his arm starts to swell then his whole shoulder and the side of his face and we had to wake him up and go hey you got to go to the doctor so we took him in he was purple it got all purple but he made it he made it through did anyone uh did the 13 year old think to suck the poison out of the wound and spit it out

uh no perv what happened was isn't that what you're supposed to do that's a rumor yeah i don't know if it's real but everyone knew that one not only just chuck the poison take a pocket knife and cut the two holes together right yeah i've seen it in western movies anyway we never never came to that uh i will tell you something last night quickly i did it i did a set at the improv of course and you crushed i got heather heather's waiting to hear this because she asked me what happened last night okay drive home my sweet car

You know, lost in some tunes.

Now, I have a sort of a little road that goes up to my mansion.

Oh, I know the road.

Yeah.

A mansion.

I mean, what am I saying?

This is other people's words.

You know, what?

44 windows, three pantries.

I don't know what you call it.

17 bedrooms.

I've been in two.

Yeah.

My house could fit inside your kitchen.

Let's put it that way.

If my house had a baby.

No.

So anyway, my gate is skinny.

Obviously, three of my friends have scraped their cars like a can't open her.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

That's the worst.

It's skinny.

Anyway, but one of my big fears is what happens in LA because it's crime riddled is

you get followed home, kind of like celebrity types, but anybody followed home, go in your, follow you into your driveway, and then they block you, get out, beat you up, tie you up and steal all your stuff.

Right.

And so,

of course.

So that happens a lot around here for real.

So it's a trick where they block you, can't get out, but they follow you home.

So I'm going up this crummy little street, which is pretty skinny and there's two cars behind me i don't even notice and i'm like they're kind of on my ass so i go well oh of course that's the first thing i think so i have to up there yeah yeah and there's it's pitch black up oh it's a perfect place for uh carjacking perfect robbery perfect crime um so i pull over and i got my pepper spray right here and i go uh i can't i don't want to pull into my driveway so i just pull up right before like let them pass yeah yeah they pull up next to me and stop.

So, what do you do?

And it's pitch black.

Yeah.

And it's a dead quiet neighborhood, windy road.

Five guys in a car, a car behind them.

Five guys in a car pull up and stop alongside you.

And I got my window cracked, and they got theirs down.

And I got this, and they're not going past me.

I think I know.

And I lean over.

You do?

They go, Hey, do you know where Jensen Street is?

Close.

Hey, can you sign a bunch of shit?

We got all the stuff.

We got some Funkos.

And I go, get the fuck out of here.

I go, you guys,

they followed me from the improv.

Two cars.

Oh, man.

So

I lit them up.

I've never heard of that.

But they almost got sprayed.

And then I went into my driveway.

I was kind of nervous now because,

and I went in and I go, if they come behind me, I'm going to get the gun.

Just going to show it to him.

Like, hey, this is for real.

Now you're, now you're my house.

Like, you can't do this because they were at the improv and they were in front of the gate and they're all waiting with stuff to sign.

And then I sign one on the way in, but I go, that's it.

I'm not going to sign anyway because they get like a clump.

It's kind of nerve-wracked.

So they're all clumped up by when I drive out.

And I wave through the window.

They're not really fans.

So I love fans, but we talked about this before, like at the airport.

It's not fans.

It's a business.

And

they can be a little aggressive sometimes.

And they're angry.

They've never, so they follow me all the way home.

which I didn't realize.

That's even scarier knowing situational awareness.

I don't know someone.

No, it's a a ways away.

You don't live around the block.

It's like a long follow.

I mean, I'm just imagining the conversation.

Hey, we got our bungos.

We got our Joe Dirt posters.

Babe, we're going to cook.

Hey, he didn't sign.

Hey, Eddie.

Follow him.

Let's follow him.

And they pile into a car.

I don't know.

Is anyone going, this isn't a great idea?

This isn't a great idea.

No, let's not follow him.

He's going to get he didn't love it at the improv.

Do you think he's going to love it in his driveway?

He's going to be pulled over in his driveway at his house.

Yeah.

So you're getting too famous.

I've said said it before.

I don't know if it's that.

I think it's just these guys because they do it to other people that are there.

But when you're on the bill, and the improv's great, by the way, they try to go here.

It makes me want to go do sets down there and then ditch the guys who want to sign.

Well, because they're just not.

Listen, I sign stuff all.

You do the same thing.

I do it.

You're like, I can't do it anymore because they could go for two hours.

Friendly.

Yeah.

If you don't stop, and then they still hate you.

But the worst is blue marker for this no use the so no put it on the side don't put my name put it put it right next to adam's name make sure and then i've got this one this is my daughter and she's a big fan oh i favorite come out yeah we just could you please and and then they start to fight amongst each other you got enough dude you got like 10 from him and they refer to you as him he's got to sign some more He's being really weird, me.

But anyway, that story, I won't milk it because we talked about this stuff before.

Love the everyday fans.

Talk all day.

Have a great time.

So so uh that these are just like an interesting breed of people that really rub me wrong i hate it i can't stand it uh that's it i support you i we won't beat it up too bad no no it's you'd have to be in the situation it sounds like first world problem

i saw you at largo once and you left largo and when i drove around there was probably 15 people around you in a circle and i see dane in the middle going this sign selfie sign selfie which guy did i not get they give you another one trick me over here no you not even got me.

First of all, it was Bedlam because you and I were interviewing Mr.

Will Farrell.

Oh, yeah.

And so Will draws a pretty intense crowd.

And then

he had an escape pod or a helicopter or something.

Like he's gone.

And then I'm kind of waiting.

I go out the side and I see you driving by.

No one's bugging you.

You honk and wave.

So long, sucker.

So then they're like, they're swarming.

They're down the street.

And then they see there's one last quasi celebrity done.

so they get all around me and i'm you innocently were walking down the street yeah i thought i was gonna cross the street and just be fine then i'm in this miasma i'm like just in i got plankton i can't move i'm part of this this this moving human thing and i'm signing inside this tunnel as fast as i could and then they're going like this they never end because they got a new one i'm really mad where's david i don't know i don't know where david spade is why would he go away well because he goes away but look if you want to follow him this is his address.

Yeah, follow.

He likes it.

He does it better at the house.

All right, let's get into some news stories.

Let's really let people know what's going on in the world.

The stupidest stories in the world.

Not at all.

The best.

Okay, this is J-Lo.

Oh, okay.

Play it.

Oh, I think I know what this is.

Look at her neck, Heather.

You see this?

You've seen this?

Look at her.

See that, Dana?

Oh, I see it.

Is that an artist?

Can see it?

Is this AI, though?

Go for the jugular.

Get off of him.

That was good.

Tickling?

What'd you say?

Where was she?

Oh, was it a cricket or a cockroach?

What do you think, Dana?

Now we're in a wine shot.

I know.

I would say it'd be a cricket.

I don't know.

I don't know why I think that.

What are you more scared of?

I don't like cockroaches, especially.

Crickets make little sounds.

I mean, crock,

yeah.

Crickets are really just cockroaches with good PR because they're both gross.

Well, you know what's weird?

And you may know this, but so we get ant infestations up here.

It's around the tub,

and all of a sudden there's a hundred thousand ants, and you're looking, you're looking at them, and they're like, What are they doing?

And then you bring in the ant trap that attracts them.

So then we have a million ants, and they're frantically getting inside the trap.

They think it's really good, juicy stuff.

Oh, yeah.

And then they take it out and they go back to the queen

and give it to the queen.

So, the idea is you have to kill the queen to kill the colony.

So, that's how clever this is.

And they're all super happy.

And sometimes you see them running into each other like opposite sides of a free.

They're so excited.

Get to the queen.

And then they're like, This is so juicy for the queen.

A gift for the queen.

Oh, a gift for the queen.

It's my aunt's substitution voice.

Oh, let's bring it back to the queen.

Oh, oh, no.

Please accept this crumb of poison.

They don't know.

The queen should have a tester.

Yeah.

So anyway, that's, you know, it's sort of weird.

You're kind of murdering like a million separate little ants.

I know.

It feels weird.

You know, if you ever have an ants in your bed, I had ants when I stayed at this guy's house at U of A doing stand-up.

Got me a gig, but there's nowhere to stay.

And everyone keeps going, we'll figure it out.

I don't like that plan.

We'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out.

So we're drinking.

I kept going, well, where do I put my stuff?

I just want to know some safety.

What am I doing here?

Wound up at that party house.

No one had a plan.

So they go just sleep there in a lazy boy chair.

So it's about this far back.

Oh my God.

I'm getting another call.

Can't you silence it?

How do I do it?

Yeah, how do you silence your phone?

Hey there.

Artie Lang.

Artie Lang.

It's Artie Lang.

Is that crazy?

God, we get better.

Guests just calls that you.

We should just put them on.

Everybody calls, just jump on.

Oh, and this is Mark Wahlberg and Brad Pitt calling.

Well, so, oh, we did the ants.

Okay.

All right, let's do the next story.

Oh, UCLA develops a molecule that regrows hair in one week by reactivating follicles.

There's no chance

because I would run down there right now.

Everyone would.

Well, if you could have more hair than you do, even if you have 90% of your hair, you go.

Just with a little drop and then it all just starts growing wherever you want it.

But what if you did it in the wrong place and it's splattered on the tip of your nose?

I mean, there are hazards to this.

You almost said wiener.

I'm not saying it this year.

Wiener.

No, I believe that in the with AI and biochemical stuff and these kinds of, you know, DNA shit and all that, they're going to be able to just solve it.

I mean, can they fucking do it already?

Like, enough people are bald.

You proved your point.

Let's get, you can do everything else.

Let's go.

It's a trillion dollar

addressable market.

Oh.

Yeah.

Because

it's a fan world, of course.

Of course.

You would, yeah.

It'd just be like,

yeah.

I'd rub it all over my arms and be like, this, what's up?

Yeah.

I'd rub it.

Yeah.

I'd rub it.

Yeah.

You know what I'd rub it?

That's why you look like a porn director and now you're talking like one.

Give me that dropper.

Okay, next one.

What's next?

Colorado Colorado man mauled after attempting to join Wyoming wolf pack.

Oh, he dressed like a furry.

He dressed like a wolf.

And he crawled around.

Oh, boy, this is not a good idea.

Man from Fort Collins, who identifies as a wolf furry, has been mauled in Wyoming after attempting to join an actual pack of wolves.

A self-described wolf furry from Fort Collins is recovering from

Wyoming hospital

after attempting to integrate himself into an actual actual

wild

moves 28-year-old Lucas Moonhowl, legally known as Brian Sanders.

Okay, that's enough.

Well, I love how happy the narrator is.

Sometimes I wish I could find these without the narrator because that's fucking our job.

But Lucas Moolhow,

I think I remember him in my yearbook, but he's crawling around.

It's just bad ideas.

He gets in a little wolf outfit and tries to crawl around.

So, first of all um wolves have great sense of smell and scent so they know within a billionth of a second it is not a wolf he's like hey what's going on here what are we all doing wolf-wise tonight yeah so then they just start mauling but i guess he didn't really get hurt but um

you know where he blew it he called it he goes let's go look for sheeps and they're like it's sheep so what's going on this guy's weird also bad idea jeans he could have been in that commercial

Yes.

Are you in Bad Idea Jeans?

Yes.

Do you remember what your joke was?

No.

Oh, you mean the Saturday Night Live commercial parody?

Yeah.

No, I don't think I was in that.

I think I was in Bad Idea Jeans three-legged jeans.

Oh, okay.

I was not in mom jeans.

Yeah.

Jeans is a good thing for a bit.

I think they did a Calvin Klein.

They've done a million jean bits.

Yeah.

I think mom jeans was pretty memorable because the look was so funny on that.

I think that was Tina Amy.

Time wasted and puffy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hilarious.

Tina Faye.

Always funny.

Hey, Reddit.

Okay, what's next?

Rat runs into napping women's pants in Vietnam.

Vietnam.

No rules.

Let's see.

Ooh, yuck.

Oh my God, Heather, when you want to.

Can we try this with you?

No, they play Gangam style.

I thought that was a rat in the bottom left.

Oh, that's someone's head.

Did it ever go out of her pants?

I couldn't tell.

Yeah, turn the sound off.

Let's try it again.

Okay, let's.

Okay, so

relaxing on the floor.

There it goes.

It goes up.

It goes up her pants, a rat.

Up to the Chattahoochee Canal.

And then she's dancing.

And she's got.

It's

Ran.

Yeah.

It's like, what?

Where was I?

Was that a ring camera or who's taking that shot?

I think that sounds like a store camera.

That seems like a CCTV,

right?

Well, that's the thing.

It's like, you know, I know people, like my wife, I really hate rats.

Yeah.

They don't really bother me.

I know a lot of people really hate rats.

Yeah.

Rats don't really bother me as much.

And mice have a good rep,

pretty much.

Rats, bad rep.

Oh, by the way, I heard last night, I heard them last night above me.

Rats in here?

In my house.

What do you hear?

In the attic.

Well, we have a guy come out.

I had him out a couple of weeks ago, so then I'm going to wait and see.

But yeah, it's pretty loud.

It feels like they're chewing on something up in the attic.

Yeah.

Chewing on wires.

You know, I thought I had a rat in my closet because I heard round and round.

What comes around?

Is that a rat song?

That's the band rat.

Yeah, okay.

I assumed there was a connection.

So dumb.

I'm so glad there was.

Okay, one more.

Let's let's let's do this.

Then we're gonna take some calls, I think.

Oh, okay.

Oh, here's this.

Is like something I would never do.

We, of course, Spade won't do it.

Just this video I don't like.

Oh,

that guy is okay.

Very high.

What am I looking at?

Way high up.

I I think he's got one of those sticks.

Where's the camera?

Is he like 300 feet in the air?

Oh, he's doing a handstand?

Not a chance.

I would just jump, but I would not do this.

He's talking in

some fish.

He's above water, right?

Yeah, that looks like a little dinky pool.

A pool?

Is that a full island?

I can't tell what we're

okay.

Handstand.

Nope.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, that doesn't look deep at all.

Did he hit his head?

Yeah, it didn't look near deep enough.

That looked about

eight feet deep.

Was he already not enough?

He's okay.

He's staying with me right now.

Really?

He's a little shook up.

Yeah.

Is he wearing sunglasses and that mustache, too?

My porn look.

I got to switch up next week.

I don't mind sunglasses now and then, but this new lighting makes my head

shiny.

And then this looks a little wrinkly i got to shave that i got i mean it looks too dark i think it looks good so you're using different lighting i'm down in the studio where we're right so you have more diffuse bigger lights but you can make them you can i'm trying yeah and then i've got it's black or behind me and yours is white which is the funniest part it's like exactly the opposite

I don't know.

I got the little fly on the wall thing.

I got Superman.

I got a plant.

I got a candle, a lighter, and a night light.

You do what you do.

I do what I do.

So

completely rubber chicken.

No bench.

And then.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

My wife's in-laws came to visit, and they're in their 80s, and they're Irish.

And they didn't, they, we wanted to put them up somewhere.

And so we, we got an Airbnb

and we went to it.

It was right in the little town, and it was spectacular.

It was just amazing.

And they loved it.

And so they had privacy in their time.

They could walk around the little town, and we didn't have to put them up here and have someone say, Do you know, could I, where would I get a towel if I needed a towel?

You know, that kind of thing.

Where do you keep your shale?

Could I get a washcloth, please?

But anyway, where do you keep your potatoes?

They were really,

this goes to Ireland, you know.

No, but they're incredibly sweet and they had a great time.

You already have an Airbnb.

That's right.

While you're away, your home could be an Airbnb.

Your home might be worth more than you think.

Check it out.

Find out how much at airbnb.com/slash host.

You know me, on the go.

You are on the go.

And

what's how do you keep going?

I mean, that's the

healthy glow.

Energy up, positive all the time.

Looking great, positive, good vibes.

Yeah, how do you do it?

I'm serious.

Cachava.

Oh, that's right.

Cachava.

Yeah, I get it.

Listen, this is interesting because I

like this kind of stuff.

And this has got, this is great.

They've got different flavors.

They've got different things.

I just right now,

I start with the chocolate.

All right.

But good idea.

I also add to it.

I put a little,

what do I put in there?

Almond butter, maybe?

And a little bit of ice.

Banana.

And a little bit of banana.

Not a lot.

I don't want it too sweet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just a little.

And a little almond and almond milk.

And it's great.

And some blueberries.

Yeah, yeah.

Grinded to a pulp.

Hey,

you've tried the new strawberry flavor, I hope.

No, that's what I want to try.

I'm getting into that.

Like, they have strawberry supercharged, and

I want to get into that because they have 85-plus superfoods.

They have nutrients, plant-based ingredients, 25 grams of plant-based protein, antioxidants.

Adaptogens,

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Listen, let me pull you a sigh.

I'm going to tell you something.

Pull you a sigh.

Well,

oh my goodness, David.

Oh,

it's too much.

I got you.

I got you.

You got me.

I'm trying to talk about cachava, and I got

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They're covering a lot here.

And they got new strawberries.

So you've never tasted strawberry like this.

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That's cachava, k-a-c-h-a-v-a.com.

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You know those mornings where everything feels like it's moving 100 miles an hour?

Emails are flying in.

You're trying to hit your protein goals.

Somehow you're already running.

Late?

Yes.

Same.

That's exactly when I hit pause and I head to Tropical Smoothie Cafe.

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You're on Tropic Time now.

All right, let's do one more story, then we'll take this question.

Okay, then we're going to take some, we're going to interact with you.

I like this show, though.

I like it.

Yeah, I do too.

Okay, what?

Oh, yeah.

I saw a couple things of these turtles.

You can just, if we can just show them.

Look at these turtles.

I'm going to explain what's going on here.

Someone that's

put

scary music

to intonate

to help you decide that it's not fun.

It's scary.

It's like a trick.

So the turtles are all in formation under the water.

The turtles, I've seen this a few times on Instagram.

They're in a circle.

There's a couple boss turtles in the middle, I think.

Is that two turtles in the middle?

Am I crazy?

There's one at least.

That's two in the middle, and then the others are around them.

It's some kind of UFC cage match.

They're not humpy.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

I don't know why they would look so perfect.

I don't think it's AI.

Well, as someone who played a turtle in a movie, I guess

it's true.

They are certainly turtley enough for the turtle club.

That could be a turtle club meeting.

That's how I picture it.

You know what I want to do if Happy Madison wants to do it is an animated show called The Adventures of Turtle Man.

And his car looks like he's a detective, but no one ever says to him, What are you, a fucking turtle?

But he's like Turtle Man.

He just solves crime.

Oh, no one mentions it.

Yeah, I'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind.

That doesn't even have to be Haffey Madison.

Otherwise, I will do a master disguise.

This is a news flash.

I will do a master of disguise sequel, but in the sequel, I play not Pistachio, the young protege.

I play the grandpa, the wizard.

Oh,

and I would love to have Bowen Yang play Pistachio.

Wow.

That guy's funny.

Wow.

Friend of the show.

Friend of the show.

Friend of the show.

It's that thing of like all

Sarah Sherman.

could play your beard.

Do you have a beard in it?

Long beard.

Oh, we got all kinds of parts.

I put most of the SNO cast in there.

Put Sarah Sherman in there.

She would play a big mole on your nose.

She likes to play weird stuff.

I know.

Okay, let's do our question.

Oh, we're taking fan questions now.

Oh, okay, reading.

I can't.

It's very small.

Okay.

I absolutely, here's, hey, guys, I absolutely hate hate waking up in the morning.

Coffee doesn't work anymore.

Any tips or tricks?

How to make myself a morning person?

Thanks, M.

Wow.

Morning person.

Oh, boy.

Well,

are you kind of a morning person?

Oh, yeah.

I like generally on the farm, I get up at between 6, 6, 15.

Oh, I hear a rooster every morning.

Oh, yeah.

And I hear crickets at night.

I love it.

And the birds and the hawks are flying in.

Yeah.

Well, morning person, I get up.

I got up at god dang six

ten today.

It's too early.

Not good for a nightclub comedian.

Well, you said I get up to 10.

I slept like fuck pie, man.

I slept sometimes.

I have the weirdest dreams.

I sleep like shit.

But if I sleep so bad my neck hurts, that's a tough day.

Where do you get your pillows?

Because pillows matter.

Like my wife and I travel with a pillow unless we're at a four seasons or something.

Otherwise, you won't sleep.

It's a Herman Munster pillow at the hotel.

Yeah.

Solid rubber.

You know, this high or this high?

We want to be able to compress it down.

Like,

so it kind of took me

20 solid years in the road of stand-up.

I'm using every dog shit pillow.

And then I finally said, what if I just brought one I like?

And then that was game changer.

I could sleep with any pillow.

I remember Lauren Michael saying to me once,

Mick travels with his own pillow.

And I thought, well, that's weird.

Why would he have to, that's bourgeois, to travel with your own pillow?

Except me traveling with my own pillow.

Mick goes to Duxiana.

Mick wears a tank top to bed and boxer shorts

and wool socks.

Thank you, Lauren.

Mick doesn't like anything too constricting.

You or his wife, Peter.

Mick, if it's very cold he wears a triple blanket motif and a feather down um and then he has a pipe a lit pipe that he smokes throughout the night just to sort of clear his lungs

he has banana right there

in case someone breaks in he can talk if Nick if Mick wakes up in the middle of the night he like kicks Keith Richards out of the bed I go what

Keith goes to bed in the day and wakes up at night

ah man I want to have the movement of mick jagger if i get to his stage he's doing he's doing good you know what we haven't answered the question

oh morning person yeah well they're saying coffee doesn't work so that's a big one if you get up i would say if they can't wake up i'm gonna say if you can't just start exercising go in the shower put it on ice cold yeah

then two pipe you have two big cups coffee if you're not awake then you should go go to the ER.

Yeah, immediately.

Okay, that's a great answer.

Okay, let's go to the next.

There's the last question.

Here we go.

It was a sincere.

Okay, can you?

Was there

everyone, someone, which is wrong?

Was there ever someone you

worked with in the entertainment industry that you thought was a dick because of how they acted at first, but then you ended up really liking them or even becoming friends?

Wow.

That kind of describes our relationship.

No, you weren't a thing.

No, who did I?

I can't think.

I'm thinking of SNL first,

but

I can't think of anyone at my jobs and showbiz.

It was really rough on me.

And then later on,

we got along.

I mean, I don't mind when people are sort of tentative with me at first because they feel people out.

takes a while you can't be like fake immediate friends you know

yeah i mean sometimes, you know, it's really sort of an interesting idea of making friends

as mature adults.

You know, I meet people, or we know couples, or whatever, and the husband or the guy is just no friends.

I mean, a lot of men are just sort of isolated with their job or whatever.

Our job is so social.

If you're working with other comedians, and you really become friends with the caste that you don't even know, your original cast, we were in a hybrid cast.

But mostly everyone who gets on SNL,

when I was there, I didn't have anybody who was a dick.

We were all friendly.

And I think what happens is the hard thing about a show biz, which is,

you know, there's obviously a million positive things.

When you go on a movie or a show, movies

seven to 10 weeks

with everybody every day and gone.

Then they're gone.

It's so hard to keep it going.

You know, they're in a different movie.

You're over here.

They're back in Nova Scotia.

You're here.

And so suddenly you're like, oh, I never see them anymore.

We had such a blast.

Plus common denominator of where you're on the movie, you're meeting lines.

You have the same time off.

You eat lunch together.

You have the weekends.

You're stuck in something.

And then it goes away.

And you're like, that's tough to deal with.

Cause you're like, oh, I kind of got close to some people.

That's weird.

I think if you're on live TV and you're scared and you go out and you're with a partner in the scene or two people, three people, and maybe it just barely made it to air.

And then you land it.

It just, it, it, it hooks the audience and it kind of kills on air.

It is very bonding when you come off.

Like, I got a wow, we fucking crushed it.

You know, what happens is you go out into out of 8H and you see all the people around there.

Where'd it go?

Where to go?

Yeah.

Sometimes you don't, you come out and they just sort of look away.

They don't want to make eye contact.

Yeah, I agree.

It's, it's, it's bonding when you're with a whole group on a show, common goal.

It's fun, and you all have a job.

It's fun, good mood kind of thing.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, Dane, I think you've learned a lot from me today.

I did.

I learned how to look like a porn director.

All right, we're going to try one more.

Let's get our stunt wiener in here.

I don't know how I'd be a porn.

I'd be embarrassed to be a porn director.

I go, okay, you guys, you know, do it or whatever.

And begin at any uh any time maybe that thing could get higher if possible uh and then um start the

and then maybe turn around it's just mine

yeah i

i don't know i mean

like yeah it doesn't float my boat i'm not someone at night

just oh

I thought we had something in common, but

I don't judge it, but it's, I don't know if it's actually great

for people,

young, young, young people,

being able to click on and see hardcore porn.

I mean, we have Playboy Magazine at the dump, you know, that was Sears catalog.

Yeah.

And so I don't really, I don't know if a lot of this social media porn, it's a little toxic, the culture.

Don't think it can be great.

I think we

probably agree on it.

Guess what I'm watching lately?

what

the original batman series with adam oh really adam west it's so funny is it little william shatner his delivery he's got his own rhythm but it's shatner-esque he's taking lines that robin we but it's the whole thing is so colorful so technical fun and fun and then the batman character is like the ultimate american citizen you know that they go to the batmobile he doesn't put a robin doesn't put a coin coin in the meter.

No, Robin, we must always support civic development by putting that.

Yeah, we do our duty.

Yeah, there's a lot of stuff in there that's really ages well.

So

I would tell young people to look, check it out.

Batman, 1960s.

The old Batman.

Sounds fun.

Okay, we'll see everybody next time.

Thanks and bye-bye.

Thank you.

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Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese-Dennis of Odyssey.

Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech.

Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira.

Reach out with us any questions to be asked and answered on the show.

You can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com.

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