It’s Okay, We’re Famous (Post Thanksgiving Special)

You know this last year, Dana, after

my big dinner,

slipped into the old food company. Oh my goodness.
No one says that. I basically fused in with the couch.

I'm talking stuffing, pie, all the fix

in a gingerbread house I tore into.

I don't remember eating it.

I said just the roof.

Oh, one of those. Oh, yeah, I did a lot of pumpkin pie.
Yeah. Anyway, now I come.

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Hi, David.

Sorry, came in mid-sentence.

Just kind of peacocking in my coat right now. Don't worry about it.

You like this shit? I'm organizing my hair to make it look disorganized. Nice.

Here's what I say when I have a nice coat on. I go,

oh, here's actually a good one Gerbit says to me when I have a coat on. He goes, I got one just like that, except mine's expensive.

Well, why should he tease the client that he has more money? It's so true that god dang agents and managers are richer than the clients. It's sickening.

Hey, man, it all goes back to Colonel Tom Parker.

Yeah, Elvis busted his hump.

Elvis, let's get back out there.

I don't want to do 700 dates, Colonel. I'm already 525 pounds.
Oh, Elvis, now you let me take care of all that flabba-flabba-flingle-flingle. You go up and the people love it.
Why?

Well, I always wondered what it was like when they first revealed to him the white jumpsuit.

You know,

we got something in mind for your next head and date.

He pulls a corner. Black leather jacket.

No.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Why look like a circus clown? What's with the bell bottoms? Well, bell bottoms and what all the kids are doing. Well,

I got a belt buckle. It looks like a dinner plate.

You need a big belt buckle because you're the king.

Yeah.

If it catches a glare, it's going to knock out the driver of Atlas 3-1i.

Christ's sakes. Okay.
What did he play in the end of the time there? Circus Circus? Was that it?

Put the king of rock up in some kind of netting device so that the gomblers can look up and see him have a pastrami sandwich coated with Vicoden. All right.

Dude, you know, I was staying at Circus Circus and my buddy works there. And he said, they built a new tower.
He goes, you know what's going to be called? Circus Circus Circus. And I go, oh, really?

And he goes, guess what we have coming in 2029? I go, Circus, Circus, Circus? He goes, who the fuck told you? I go,

no one told me. I was just guessing.
And he goes, no, did someone leak that? Because we signed an NDA. I go, well, it really couldn't be any other.
name.

So funny. That's my old act.

When you go to Vegas, like, I'd always be like, oh, they've seen my act, right? So then you'd go do crowd work and you say, where you're staying.

And they say, I'm at the, you know, and you go, what a shithole. That's a huge laugh.
I'm at the Hilton. Oh, that's a shithole.
But anyway, but I used to go, they said circus, circus.

And I go, that's lousy, lousy. Standing ovation.

I'm stealing that. It's gone.
I forgot I met you. I stole it.

Slow motion of the audience after hearing my lousy, lousy.

Then they butt of their hands and whack off.

People think, we're either hamming it up or we're punchy. I'd say we're punchy.
Dude, I just landed, dude.

First of all, I will tell you.

Wait, what's the other story?

You're like, just say your stupid. Well, no, I want to hear it.

I know you flew in here just to do this podcast and you fly out in 20 minutes, so I need to know. It's called Married to Work and How Much I Give a Care and Nobody Else Cares.
I care

too deep. That's my crime.
I don't understand a word you're saying. I know.

I look kind of cool. This is my coat I wore on the special.
Nobody cares. This is the coat.
Yep, it is.

Huh.

Well,

I do think the dandelion

outfit was your

wasn't bad, right? I thought it was good. Yeah.
Dandelion has sort of swept the nation like the hula hoop. Like everyone, it's kind of fading now, but everyone got into it.
Everyone's all over it.

It was TikTok trending, all this clips, but it's fading out.

I will tell you that I'll tell you quickly about my boring flight.

So I took a flight. I went to Arizona.
My brother's in the hospital, so sending him good vibes by Brother Brian. So I went to see him, came back,

and uh,

you know, what JSX is? Do you know those letters when they're used in that order?

Well, I don't know what it means. Jumper seat X-rated.
I don't know what I mean. Jet Suite X, I think.
I like Jet Suite. So it's like they get a Gulfstream.

They see it, get an 18-seater Gulfstream type or 15-seater, and you pay a certain amount, a little extra, and you can go to a pro. It's like you get the Vegas.

You go to to like it's sort of I think their motto is for the almost rich so you go and you take

you southwest flight but it's you just go to the hangar there's no TSA you just walk right on you be there you get there 15 minutes before so it's a little more of a cake walk so anyway I land

I

I go grab my bags. It's very casual.
They just throw them off the plane. You just grab your own and get out.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
It's yeah. And so, of course, I'm such a fragile dandelion.
I

have too many bags, so I grab the big one and I give my little one a ride on it.

That's pretty smart, but I have one old SNL bag that is too heavy to carry all of them. So, I go, I'll come back for this one.
So, I tell someone to guard it.

That's like a year of the beach, watch my stuff, you know, that old, yeah, like they're legally responsible now.

So, I go,

I'm taking it by my wheels, and I'm like, I literally go, These aren't glass anymore. These wheels on my luggage are so kick-ass that it's so smooth now.
I went all these years without it.

And it's like ice skating through. And it was going.

And I go, no, it's kind of catching. And I go, I need a little WD-40 on these.

But I said, no time for that. I get it out to the car.
Some guy is there. He goes, actually, I'll throw these on.
Go get your other bag. So I do that.
He throws them on.

That's a big clue of the story.

I'm just going to say it. I'm riveted.

Glued to the set. Wheels on a suitcase, first time only.
Welcome to the 21st century.

No, these are good ones for the first time. Oh, good ones?

We had a great sponsor at Great Wheels. They go in every direction.
You want to go this way or you want to go that way? Let's do either. Oh, it's unbelievable.
You spin it. Yeah, it's incredible.

Because usually, if they're like a skateboard, then you take a left and they go clunk and it falls over. Oh, no, no, yeah.
If they're 360, yeah, then you just, yeah.

This is something we stole from the aliens. This is why I believe that documentary.
Okay, so we do that. I'm like, Charlotte, I get in my boiling hot car, boil, sizzle, drive.

I get about 12 to 14 in it.

Heather calls. She doesn't always call.
Heather calls. Heather calls? And you're driving from the airport to what's there to talk about?

Scary. Scary.
Something's up. Oh, it's like she needs something or the

yeah, okay, got it. Instead of texting or boxering me, I go, go for Dickie.

And she, if I see Heather's name on my phone, I slam it against the wall as hard as I can. Why, you know, it's trouble.
I don't know. It just sounded funny to say that

you slam on your brakes because you know, don't go any farther till you hear this call.

So I pull over, I go,

What up? Whoop, whoop, whoop. Okay, I sometimes go like this: cello.

That sounds so anyway, I go, what? And she says,

do you think you have your right suitcase?

Oh,

she's that quick that you took the wrong one from the JSX jet?

Talk about the wrong Misty. I got the wrong.

And I go, wow. I bet I do because my wheels weren't gliding on the way out.
I had some dog shit mags on them. I was like, oh, you're spider sense.
This is a little rough.

But I was like, well, you know, everyone

gets me. I'm running.
How long? How many minutes are you away from the jet when you get the Heather? 12 to 14. Oh, well, she's a little slow for her.
So I got to flip a bitch. No, it's not really.

She was no hero. Let's be honest.

They called her.

Then she called you. I still call that a hero.
We don't need another hero, apparently, occurring in that song, but we got one.

So I flip a bitch, as they say in the movies. And

and I and I'm not stoked, but I go back. Oh, I do jump out and look, even though I know for sure.
And it was like Bill Squankmeyer. And went, oh, this guy's gonna be lost.

So I go back there and I go, hey, it's all good. I'm famous.
Everything's fine. I'm famous.
That's what I do when I walk up to like a scene of a crime or a fire or a car crash. They got the tape.

I go, it's okay. Let me, I'm famous.
It's okay. I always do the same thing too.
If anyone, any cop, I go, I know David Spade. I know David Spade.

let me through. Let me through.
I did get pulled over here. I think I said that on a previous one.

Coming up here, going up the highway, and then woo, woo, woo. And the guy came around.
He looked at me. You know, this doesn't happen to me very often.
I was lucky. He recognized me.
I was shocked.

We took selfies. You go, you know, go a little easy on the pedal.
How fast was I going? 200.

He said, like, it was a cheesy, it was like 72 and a 65.

You're not going to pull me over that shit. So you go back and then

what's the mic drop on this? What's the next twist? I think this is known as fizzling out on a story. So, okay.
I got a 30 seconds. I go there

and the lady's there and I go, hey,

I go, we can flip them. I jump out.
I think she's just going to flip them and she just stands like this,

chewing her cud. I go.

Okay, it's going to be muscles. So I pick their 50-ton bag.
I would have have known it when I threw it in. It was so heavy.
I go, what do you got in here? Kettlebell selection? No, wait.

What do you got in here? Kettlebell collection? God dang, I almost had it. And then, um, what do you got in here? Baby's first bricks.
What'd you put in your bag, Arnold Swashenaker?

You got him too.

Let me out of here.

I'm in the wrong van.

I knew it the whole time.

Can I tell you my 30-second story?

No, that's pretty fizzled out. I milked it dry.

I don't like to fly like you. I've been in a turbulence where everything's bouncing, the cart's flying, hitting the ceiling, and you're like, just totally calm.
Me trust Mr. Pilot Man.

You're like a five-year-old. Pilot man will take care of us.
I'm too

turbulent. Too much information.
So I get on a plane in Vegas, and then they come on and they go, and I've checked the luggage, believe it or not. They go,

this plane is not going anywhere, folks. We're going to have to have you depart and we're going to have to get another plane and bring it here.
So usually when things go bad, they stay bad.

When things go good, they stay good. So I go, I got it.
I'm getting off the plane. I'm not taking, I'm getting out of here.
So she goes, well, your bags are checked and going over there.

I'm getting out of here. You know what I mean? So she said, all right.
No, she did go, okay, you did the church, lady, or did you do the Hollywood Minute? I did them both.

So she let you off the plane? She let me off the plane and she got, went down, found my bag and got it out to baggage claim. Within five minutes, I have my bag.
I'm not going to.

deal with the airport anyway. I've already called a travel agent.
I have an SUV waiting for me. Within 12 minutes of sitting on the plane, I guess we're going to start flying pretty soon.

I was on the freeway and I could see the plane and they could probably hurt me but i honked and flipped them off

it

why was i mad at them

because they almost took you down but you know i'm i'm spontaneous like that the pilot said this all right

folks

we're gonna

patience they always appreciate your patience patients

folks um

we are not being let like when i went to arizona I get on. I'm not feeling great.
I get on, slam the door. I go, just let me get through this flight.
I'm all cooped up. I don't like it.

Slam, sweating. I feel like shit for some reason.
Maybe I hungover.

And the second they lock us in, he goes, I appreciate patience, folks. They're not going to let us take off.
It's some sprinkles in Scottsdale. So

we're going to sit here for minimum 45.

And so you can't don't stand up. We want an active tarmac.

So Spade doesn't like that. He's freaking out.
And then I'm doing some deep breathing. This is

little kettlebells. Have you ever had this serious question? I don't know if it's funny, but right as it's maybe it's kind of weather, whatever.
We're all packed in. We're going.

And then Ryder's about to close the door. This guy comes up the aisle and he's got a water bottle and he's drenched in sweat

and he just belts, just bolts off the airplane. And you go, what does he know? Oh, he's like, final destination.
He was clearly got spooked. Like, no, I'm not buying this.
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You know, David, last year,

I gifted Masterclass to my sister for her birthday, and she couldn't stop talking about it.

See how that works? She integrated it into her mornings as a little personal growth ritual, inspired me to do the same. Okay.
Now it's part of my routine, too.

Just a few minutes a day, and I feel sharper, calmer, more creative. We needed to get you like honed down into that zone.

I'm so glad you just heard that. Like you heard me.

You felt my

hear what you're saying. Yeah, exactly.
You listen. That's my crime.
I'm a listener. You hear, but you don't listen.
You look, but you don't see.

One of the favorite classes that I've heard about is Amy Poehler.

You know what I mean? Amy Poehler does a

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I didn't, you know, when my

probably two flights ago, this is getting extra boring, but they go. So, yesterday, two flights ago, I don't love

he said something like,

He's, he goes, We've got a little thing.

I'm just going to have him come look. Oh, yeah, I remember.
I think I told you you said five out of the six lights are on, but one's not working. Right,

the plane. Anyway, enough of that shit.

Yeah, that's the airplane stories. Our airplane stories for you.

We don't even have a sponsor for that. We're the kind of long

segment

that we have a sponsor for. What else? Well, this is this is our, I just uh remembered a thing.
I did a sketch on SNL once, and there's, you know, this is our show after Thanksgiving.

And Bonnie and Terry Turner really liked that. I think it did okay.
You might have been in it.

It was just about people, relatives driving into your house for Thanksgiving, and there's a 25, 30-minute conversation about which highways they took. oh we went on the 280

to the 154 and the other guy's like oh jesus christ i was on the 101 and then i came down 19th avenue who gives a

shit that one might have turned into the californians because that was back in our day but i don't remember that one it was maybe yeah that was pre-californian and so it's similar like they just talk about their boring way they got there it is It is very true, though.

Yeah, Californians.

Fred Armison, which I always said, no, you guys took it further. He said he got it from me when I used to do that kind of dude in my act, like, what's up, Dad? That kind of thing.

Yeah, that's kind of like we were, we were taking corner canyon, man. I mean, it's funny, yeah, they make it even sketchy.

Corkscrewed face, they make the weirdest accent that's really nothing, and they try to outdo each other, so it's just not even English. You should holy God, then Venice Boulerard,

yeah, it's so dumb. That was from Fast Times at Ridgemont, was one of the first

Sean Penn doing the Malibu guy. Spokoli, Sean Penn.
Yeah, man, that guy has a lot of range. He was so good in that freaking movie.
Well, Sean Penny. I know that, dude.
Yeah.

He said so many funny things in that movie. Yeah.

Now,

what else? Tell me more. Did you see Wicked? Are you still in line? What are you doing?

It outperformed. I was kind of happy for them.
What I did on a day where I just had a case of the fuckets, you know, I just want to turn everything off. I'll go to like a matinee that is empty.

So the one that was playing at the time that I wanted to go, that was fortunately empty, was Running Man.

Oh, yeah. You see Running Man? I saw Running Man.
Did we talk about this already?

I know, but I saw it. Now I seen it.
I've seen it. And I had low expectations.
I enjoyed it. I thought it was really fun.

I wasn't comparing it to anything else. I think it's a good popcorn movie.
Glenn Powell handles the comedy and he can play the action. So I thought it was good.

You know, a big part of movies is not going in like, this is going to be fucking epic. You just watch it and then, you know,

you just see it.

I would just say this, at this point in my time on the planet, I like clicking the phone off and putting it down and watching a movie.

And no one's supposed to talk, and it was the theater was empty, and it's just quiet for two hours. At this point, they could show me anything.
I'd be kind of like, I'm meditating or something.

Theaters are good for that because it's really the only time you try to not look at your phone.

You can't really do anything else. When I watch movies at home, I told you, I started to watch Pluribus because it's a funny name.
Yeah.

I saw the first episode of Pluribus.

Plaribus.

But don't tell me anything because I got through about half of it, but I'll finish it.

Well, here's my question for you: Why do people see a movie that they clearly would never like when the ticket prices, even for matinees, are like 20 bucks?

We went and saw the Springsteen movie, my wife and I. And there's these two teenage girls right to the left down there.
They were utterly uninterested. All they did was check their phones.

It was bright light, and they're just rolling their, they look up once in a while. He's like, boring to run.

Dude, even if you're a fan, that one's a strugg.

How was it? Is it a bit of a snoozer? I don't know. I'm always giving them the benefit of the doubt.
I think

it's, it was

a little, it wasn't up. It was a little kind of, it was around a dark time of spring scenes.
He wrote Nebraska, did it on acoustic guitar in his room.

I found it interesting, and I thought Jeremy Allen White was really great. So I just saw how hard movies

are to make. I'll just tell this to anyone listening right now.
If you want to watch a great movie, it's called Heaven Can Wait. It's with Warren Beatty, Diane Cannon, Charles Groden.

We watched it again the other night. We'll see every time.
Isn't it good? Yeah.

It's so good. And it's so charming.
And Charles Groden, darling, they're the bumbling murderers. And she's screaming.
And James Mason is sort of like a God character. It's just so good.

I i would tie in midnight run to that because you said charles grodin you talk

killing it midnight run yeah that's that's another

one of the best buddy two-hander movies comedy i mean i don't know if it's talked about enough that one really knocked me out um sometimes you see the jokes you go oh those jokes are kind of corny you go no this is where they started there's some movies where

Typical jokes started and you've never heard them before and then everyone does like a spin on it But that one had a lot I did Charles Grodin for a while, and I actually did him on SNL when I guess hosted, but he has such a dry, dead pan.

He did have a funny, you know, darling, darling. You know,

oh, he, oh, what about Foul Play?

Foul Play, another one. Chevy and Golden.
Chevy.

He was so good in that. And so the unsung hero of that one, because those two are so funny.
Obviously. Here's an interesting thing about Charles Groden.

So he gets into the 90s and he kind of announces that just generally speaking, I don't like making movies, you know, sitting around being told what to do. Nah, I don't like it.

He's brilliant in movies.

And then he does a show, I think, on MSNBC, like a little talk show.

And

I go on it and he goes, do Johnny the whole time. So it was a 20-minute interview and I just stayed in Johnny Carson the whole time.
Well,

he was a bit of an.

odd duck because when he would do maybe Letterman and he would be like, he was kind of mad at Letterman. I never knew if these things were a bit, and it made me laugh.
And I'm like, something's wrong.

But even in the movies when I was younger, I didn't know when people were so deadpan they were doing it on purpose. I'm like, what's going on here? Yeah, I know.
And Buck Henry.

Buck Henry. Yeah.

Oh, you know, it's a great movie. While we're doing them, I'll give one vote for Man on Fire.

Drama kind of thriller. What year was that? Denzel, Dakota Fanning.
Oh, yeah. Chris Walken.
It's kind of a heavy movie, like a Tony Scott movie or something. It's so cool.

Denzel Washington is just, he's the coolest. Pretty safe bet.
He's the coolest because he's not really out there and he's just

TikTok every day. You look at a

jackass, the equalizer, and he plays it so brilliantly. He's in a cave, and he's got two guys with machine guns like this.
He's got another guy with a gun on really the gritty.

And he goes, all right, this is what's going to happen in 10 seconds. And he starts to swatch.
And then

oh, yeah. It's so hysterical.
I know. I love it.
He walks in, puts this whole thing. The best is when there's bad guys in the room.

And like he comes in, they all see him and they're all like Russians drinking.

And they know there's trouble. Yeah.

And he goes, I think you're in the wrong room, friend. Friend does mean, by the way, they don't mean they're friends.
Right. And then he goes,

I think it's time for you to go, friend. You don't want trouble.
And he goes, okay.

And then he goes back and he puts his stopwatch and then he takes takes the lock and goes click and turns around. They all go, What the fuck?

He locks himself in. That's a good, that's a staple.
Start in Coward of the County song.

Well, not only is he going to kick their ass, he's going to time it for some

OCD weirdness. They have guns, and there's like 10 of them, 300 pounds ready to.
We must break you.

All right.

Okay. Is that what you're going to do? Is that

your plan?

Well, let me just check my watch here.

I'm going to lock myself in.

Yeah. And then they all wait to fight one at a time.
You go, beat up. Now I go, okay, beat up.

Oh, man. Why don't you do, or I'll do it, an action film? Because it's all just, all you have to do is go like that and then sound effects.

Yeah.

I've seen them with sound off and they look so stupid.

They're missing. You can't, you can see.
It's like not even really a good fight. But when it's like,

yeah, because you do not have to get close at all. If I was going to slug you in the face, you know, if I could be a foot away, you just have to time it.

I don't know if you'd be capable of that, though.

Or maybe.

How was your Thanksgiving?

Dana,

I don't know if you know what time it is, but it's time. I think it's

buzzing around on flannels.

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Number fivehourenergy.com to order yours today. So, yes, I'm going to give Dana.
We've done this before. Right.
But I'm going to give you different people. Post-Thanksgiving.

Post-Thanksgiving scenario is you. I have.

Are you going to do Tony Montana? I'm going to do Tony Montana, and then I'm going to surprise you. Okay.
So

I just have names. This is not scripted.
I know. No.
It never is. That's why it's.
Can people tell it's not scripted? No, it's funny.

Okay. All right.
So this is Al Pacino's Scarface Tony Montana, at Thanksgiving dinner. Here we go.

Action.

Look at his fucking face. Here's you, Dana.

Paso sweet potatos.

Look around the table, man.

I don't see any suit potatoes.

What are you doing?

Well, Adam Samler, what are you, Tony?

I heard you're a Jake Kelly.

You're a Jake Kelly?

You sound like a baby. What a problem, man.
Jake Kelly, you gotta get an Oscar, no matter.

Who put your mic up on my mic? Okay, Kelly. What you doing? Jay Kelly is the movie's in a Netflix.
Continue. Jay Kelly, what are you doing, man? No sweet potatoes.
What about you?

You tech on Rob Schneider? You tech the sweet potatoes, Rob Schneider.

Okay, what's he gonna say? No,

oh, yeah, I like a deuce bigelow, man. I like it, man.
I see the movie, I see on Netflix all the time or Amazon Prime. I see a Deuce Bigelow.
You're a crazy guy.

You run around like a crazy man, funny. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

All right, what is this?

Joe Biden, what are you doing here at Thanksgiving time? Where's the sweet potatoes?

I'm not kidding around. Where's the sweet potatoes? He doesn't even know know he's at Thanksgiving, probably.

David Spade.

Oh, no.

David Spade, you're a Danny Lion, man. I saw it on Amazon Prime, a Danny Lion.
He's a good man. A lot of jokes.
At Danny Lion, I get the gist, man. You make a lot of jokes.
You like to make jokes.

Christopher Walker, what about you? Hey, what did I say? Oh, what do you say? Let me interview you. David Spade, now I got you here.
No sweet potatoes, man. You're like a little Danny Lyon? Is Daddy?

You eat a Danny Lamb? Why do you call your special Danny Lion?

Hey, it's Rob again. Listen, I saw you had cocaine there.
That's a pretty big line, but guess what? You can do it.

Well, I love when you say this is Rob again.

All right, this is Tony Montana again, okay? All right, okay.

Christopher Walker, man, you were in two episodes ago. What are you doing in this episode?

Five-hour energy. You shouldn't be in this episode.
You gotta go, man. No!

I told you, you gotta go. No!

Don't go!

You'll see. Oh, he's so overstaying his welcome, old man.
Owen Wilson.

God, there's a big table.

It's a big, it's a big attack.

You can't put extra leafs in.

Okay.

Sorry, man. We don't have any sweet potatoes.
I don't give a fuck. What's the fuss? What the fuck is the matter with you? They can't use it with a swear word.
So I say, fuck you. What the fuck?

Rob Schneider, Adam Shandler. Cobalt.

What the fuck is that? David Spade, I get the gist.

What's that? You in the bleachers at the 50th. You're phoning it in.
I get the gist. Take a break.
You steal the fucking show. What is that about? What is that? Fucking shit.

Don't give me that. Give me five-hour energy.
I'm losing. I'm losing my

listen. That was buzzing around.
That was, yeah, it was. Next week, did they ever get the sweet potatoes? We'll find out.
That was sponsored by Five Hour Energy's new gingerbread snap flavor.

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And that was written word for word.

I like these. You can edit.

I like it. No, they're too good.
I liked it. I was able to go thought about.

I was able to go. Yes.

I was able to go.

Oh, I was telling you. I had a quick

question for you. You did me in there.
You put me in surprise, and I liked it.

I was in Phoenix, and

I shouldn't even say this, but late board,

I stumbled across an old

window, and I pushed the wrong button, and it came up porn.

And

it said,

What? It said, You can't watch porn in Arizona.

What does that mean? Can you believe it? Can you believe it? And we don't know if this is a lie or if one's porn in Arizona. I couldn't.

I gave up quickly because you know what they say.

You can, but just type in your

just take a photo of yourself and a photo of your driver's license. I don't think so.
Nice try.

Where, I'm sorry, I didn't get the beginning. Where were you watching porn?

One

device.

Require an age verification. Now, you can watch in Arizona.

I mean, but some says. It's an age verification.
You have to prove you're over 18.

You have to prove you're over 18 and under whatever I am. I think that's kind of a good idea.
I don't like kids looking at that. No, I don't mind it.
I just it kind of

you know I go what am I gonna do for the next two and a half hours you know play goddamn panda pop

so anyway Jesus what

are you 18 you're like Heather and I have a mutual friend he's in Texas that he keeps saying I can't get any porn out here I don't know you got to put your I'm not putting my fucking license

attract me on some What is this, 2001 A Space Odyssey? I'm like, well, that's not really what you're looking for as an analogy, but I get what you're saying.

So he won't do it. And then he's like, I go, you're going to crack one day.
And we type it in that goddamn number.

Katie Cobbs, the governor, made it in effect September 26th. September 26th, we got rat fuck.
Who's going to go to Arizona now?

Have you ever watched porn and then stopped watching it? And just you're in the hotel room by yourself and went, Fuck, that was great.

I stand up like this.

Yes.

Yeah.

I will say once in a while I watch it and then I, you know, as Kevin Nealon says, I'm interested. I'm interested.

Then I'm not interested.

Whatever happens, then until I'm not interested.

And you walk back and your laptop's open later and you go, oof.

What a sicko.

Anyway, you step out of that one. Anyway, it won't affect you on the road.
Don't worry.

It barely, barely affected me. It was just more funny.
I think it's hilarious, and it gives us an insight into you, not the comedian, but you as a person. So it's great for the podcast.
You're

opening up. Yeah, I'm really opening up.
You know, hold your curtain back.

I'm an open book. No, I'm not.

Okay, let's get to a few stories and then we'll

finish our leftovers.

Oh, these are fun. I haven't seen them in case I haven't come up with a good ad lib.
This is a Rogan clip. What they don't want want you to know about history.
Let's see.

Something really fascinating. Sure.
There's old pictures of Christmas images that always include Amanita muscaria mushrooms.

So you would find them underneath pine trees in the same way you find brightly colored presents under Christmas trees. In order to dry them, they would hang them in the trees.

Just like Amani, the whole Santa Claus things where he's coming down the chimneys. Why was that? Siberian shamans were ostracized.
They had to sneak into people's homes. So they came down chimneys.

Santa's a shaman. Also, Santa does the exact same coloration as the Amanita muscaria mushroom.
Look at that Siberian shaman. Looks exactly like Amanita muscaria.
Looks like an ornament. I don't know.

I think Joe's reaching a little bit. They keep saying Anamanarian mushrooms, which I've never heard of, but I'm not a big shroomer guy.
I used to do it in college, maybe, but I don't do it.

Are you a shroomer?

I did it. My friends and I, you know, younger people, we did some mushrooms.
We were in front of the

the queen mary down there in long beach so it's a thousand feet long and the smokestacks are you could drop you know and so the mushrooms started to get into the mushrooms and we're looking at the pamphlet we're out on the patio And so to describe how big the boat was, they would just do ratio scenarios like 400 antelope could make their home in that one stack.

You know, it's like 12 million bumblebees could fit in the hull of this craft. 20 million jelly beans.
And so we laughed our ass off for a half hour. We were so high on mushrooms.

We came around the corner and there was the Spruce Goose next to it. And we saw this big white wooden plane.
And it was so fucking huge, we dropped to our knees laughing. So all we did was laugh.

But I haven't done it since. I did laugh a lot on shrooms.
I have a quick joke about a cruise ship. This was from Grown Ups One, I think.
I threw this in and it got cut out.

I said, we were all making fun of each other and I said, Kevin James,

when he mentioned something about a cruise ship, I said, Here's the captain when you're running laps on the cruise ship

because Kevin James is so heavy, it alters the boat.

This is him come around to that side, and then he goes in front of the boat.

Here she goes. He doesn't, captain doesn't seem so he doesn't know what's going on.
Because Kevin James is such a big guy that he's

okay.

It's a good visual. Yeah, it's very small.

The guy doesn't really know what's going on. Pop quiz: Did the captain of the Titanic actually go down with the ship or get in the lifeboat?

You know, my friend was there. Um, I was invited.
Uh, no, I don't know what happened. He got in the lifeboat, got back to Manhattan.
He was in a swimming pool at a Motel Six and drowned.

This is from Iraq. He didn't have Motel Sixes in 1907.
I don't know, whatever it was. No, he was at a

Holiday Inn green ribbon.

I like they try to gussy up a holiday inn. Oh, this is a blue ribbon.

Hey, man, I worked at a holiday inn for like five years.

Dishwasher, busboy, waiter. And then,

you know, this Richard Lewis joke? No.

I get to a hotel.

I told him I wanted a suite. I was promised a suite.
I don't have a suite. I have a regular room.
I need to change rooms. The guy said,

You're in a suite. He goes, Oh my god, I didn't see the coffee machine on the back of the toilet.
You're right. I apologize.

I'm in the suite. I was in the sleep the whole time.
I didn't see it.

That's maybe not the best joke in the world. It is funny, though.
I think it was good. I liked it.

Okay, listen. So for

Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving,

I'm going to

add into the mix some Omaha steaks because

it's like I want to, you know,

have them around because they have steaks, they have hamburgers, they have.

Yeah, they're fun. They're fun to have around.
Yeah. And then you take that and then

I'm going to tell people that's a good gift idea for Christmas.

You know, send them out, take the pain out of going and shopping. Suddenly, you got all this at your fingertips.
Yeah,

they come gift-wrapped. USDA certified tender, I like that, steaks, juicy burgers, cozy and convenient comfort meals, and a lot more than that, David.

Oh, yeah, there's way more than that, Dana.

During their Sizzle All the Way sale, they tied that into Christmas. See that? Sizzle All the Way.
Yeah. You can get 50% off site-wide at omahasteaks.com.

Plus, our precious listeners get an extra $35 off with promo code FLY.

I'm going to say that's a good thing.

You've had some Omaha steaks, haven't you? Yeah, you're going to see me

in the kitchen. Maybe I'll take them out on the BBQ, depending on weather permitting.
Yeah. And watch me.
Hey,

you know, I'm over there like, how do you like them? You know, yelling. I once dated a woman named BBQ, but good night.

Oh, yeah, I actually met her with me.

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That's perfect if you're a last-minute shopper like me. That's right.

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Okay, let's do next story. Next story.
Bring it on. I have stories, but they're too heavy.
Oh, this is interesting. It's about the, have you heard about the Baguga?

I've heard that name for some reason. This is a little sphere when they say there's spheres.
Somebody found one.

Okay. He didn't give it up to the police.
He kept it. And now it's getting heavier.
It's got all these like hieroglyphics on it, and people are trying to look at it.

That's

the future. I don't know if that's they are not a prediction.
Well, then, what's the they are the activation sequence for a technology that has been waiting for 12,000 years?

Yep, roughly 12,000 years. The message isn't what it says, it's what it does.

Show it. That's all it was? Well, what? Did they say press the buttons or not? I always show it because they have it floating.

You know, when people see these circles floating, sometimes they show them in the ocean. Now, I feel like AI was invented just to throw this off because you can't tell.

But if you see these little spheres floating and they found this one, it crashed.

The guy called the police and he goes, they said, give it to us. He said, no, and he took off.
And it weighed about a pound. And now, because of gravity, after a few months, it weighs more.

But all these scientists and UFO people are looking at it going, it's nuts what it is. They can't tell, they can't tell what kind of material it is, they have no idea.
So, something's

it on 60 minutes, or why is it

hiding it, Dana? No, some of these things are out there. It depends on your algo.

If your algorithm brings I want aliens, let me just go on record. You know, I want aliens to come down.
I want in my time on this planet to have, like, we are aliens.

I want them to land on the White House lawn. I want them coming out like Daylier stood still.

No doubt.

One of Keanu Reeves and Jennifer. No, no, the one from 1959.
It's unbelievable.

Scary. Yeah.
That was the great thing where they had a guy, they had like an Einstein scientist with the chalkboard doing the stuff. The alien looks human, but he's kind of weird.

And he comes in and goes, well, Professor, I think you're mistaken. It's like this gigantic equation, like 20 feet across.
He goes,

Yeah, oh, there, this act should belong here. And then, and then the Einstein guy's like, Oh, oh my god, I mean, I can't friends.

I am, you know, I love that in a movie, don't you? I like that reading of yours. The chalkboard,

God, good gracious, good God, why didn't I?

How did you

call my wife? Wait, what?

You just saw telephone. You never saw this before.

Have you? And

you thought,

what?

Come on.

And he goes, oh my God, can you help me fix my dryer?

Is that the one where the huge alien is standing? Or is that the counter?

No, huge alien. It comes off the spaceship.
I mean, it's a little corny. I mean, he's metal and he's scary when I was a kid, but I think the rubber bends at his knees and stuff.

But then, oh, I can't remember the name of the great actor who played the alien with a humanite form.

95. It's great.

Let's talk about Age of Disclosure by next week because I'm going to watch it. It's all about the aliens.
On

okay. All right.
I got an open mind. Yeah.
Open mind and then we'll get somebody maybe from there. Yeah.

If we're on this planet and no one knows how we got here or what we're supposed to do here, all things are possible. I just wanted to put that out there.
I do think it's all possible.

And I keep seeing videos on ring cameras of aliens and they all look like AI, but some, I'm guarantee you, like one out of 20 is real, but no one, everyone's like, whatever.

First comment's always like, fucking ARD.

Who are these friends? Who's that? Those are comments. Those are comments.

It's worse than the Californias. I don't think

it's not

an aliens. Hey, man, if it's an alien, people would see like big green ears or something.
Yeah.

Aliens are cute. I don't want them to kill us.
What's one of my favorite

All right. I'm just adjusting my camera.
Okay.

One more.

Arizona's an hour later, dude.

I left Arizona once and arrived in LA before I left because of the time change thing. Oh, yeah, there's an hour long time ago.

What is a micro penis all about the condition that may have plagued Hitler and Jeffrey Epstein?

These guys are really piling on.

This is a great story.

I just love this investigative prize winning. This is a peabody.

Okay.

Is this the whole story?

They say Epstein had one, right?

Well, who are they?

Dana, when did you take this picture?

I thought he was like Batman eyes like this.

That guy has the hands of Shaquille O'Deal.

Yeah, it still could be big.

I think you're supposed to measure it from your waist.

All right, but these people that do micro, I mean, they're really going like I think when they try to find a victim, unfortunately, they say

any markings on the wiener, like that happened to Michael Jackson,

they say, you know, and also the idea is that you know Hitler was so angry because of that.

And ah the micro ponies

Adolph, you okay? okay? I killed everybody

on speakers of the micro pins.

I made him so mad. Can you believe how much energy I had? 45 minutes in.
He gave those speeches. He really gave it speeches.
I know, I know. That's why I used to do exhausted Hitler.

Oh, I can't, I can barely. I'm so tired.
I was screaming for an hour. Oh,

girlin'.

I chill goeboat

on one

read-through.

And I go

right away, mine

Fiara,

and then I gotta laugh. That's funny, it's almost like a know-how

movie or something.

I'll be back in one second.

Mine,

I'm so tired. I gave a four-hour speech at the Reichstead.

Did you hear it? I can't feel my deltoid. Whoever thought of this thing should be shot.
I can't even feel my traps. That's a lever arm.

Hard to hold up. I did this for five fucking hours.

All right. Let's end on that.

That is a mic drop. Please, I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving vacation.
Now it's time to go good. Back to work.

Eat Thanksgiving, listen to this, and sleep while you listen to us.

Yes.

We're a good sort of.

We're a good casual.

We don't want to stir the pot. All right, everybody.
I'm watching. We've got millions of streams coming in.
So good job everybody. Thank you and we'll see you next time.
Goodbye.

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Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey, an executive produced by Danny Carvey and David Spade, Heather Santoro and Greg Holtzman, Maddie Sprung-Kaiser, and Leah Reese Dennis of Odyssey.

Our senior producer is Greg Holtzman, and the show is produced and edited by Phil Sweet Tech. Booking by Cultivated Entertainment.

Special thanks to Patrick Fogarty, Evan Cox, Maura Curran, Melissa Wester, Hilary Schuff, Eric Donnelly, Colin Gaynor, Sean Cherry, Kurt Courtney, and Lauren Vieira. Reach out with us.

Any questions to be asked and answered on the show? You can email us at flyonthewall at odyssey.com. That's audacy.com.