Vivaldo, the "end to end" threshold & the authenticity of Lionel Messi's pub crisps

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Is Gas going to have a crack? He is, you know. Oh, I think

brilliant.

But jeez! He's round the goalkeeper. He done it!

Absolutely incredible! He launched himself six feet into the crowd and Kung Fu kicked a supporter who was eye without a shadow of a doubt getting him lip. Oh, save!

It's amazing! He does it tame and tame and tame again. Break up the music! Charge a glass!

This nation is going to dance all night!

The Tom Cruise punditry clip we all wanted to hear, declaring the England at a World Cup news cycle officially open. Classical music meets football with Cristiano Ronaldo and Dan Walker.

Cricket's equivalent of bread and butter. The commanding league leaders threshold.
At what exact point can a game be described as end-to-end? Match stewards finally getting their plaudits.

Keys versus Grey in the cliché's database. And the other sports it's acceptable to wear an England football shirt to.
Brought to your ears by Goal Hanger Podcasts. This is Football Clichés.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Football Clichés. I'm Adam Hurry.
This is the midweek adjudication panel. Joining me all the way from the bowels of Roland Garros.
It's Charlie Ecclesia.

Are you you actually in the bowels? I very much am in the bowels, yeah. This absolutely qualifies.
So you're underneath the stand, at least. Yeah, pretty much underneath the main court.
Tremendous.

How does it feel? Yeah, it's good. I always love being in the bowels of a big sporting venue.
Flight. Alongside you is Nick Miller.
Welcome to clichés again. Hello.
I think the most bowly

football stadium we've been is Porto.

There's something very bowly about the

drag out, the kind of like press bit of that. It's very bowly.
Is it the concrete?

Because that's what I think of as particularly bowelsy yeah you want to see the sort of the skeleton of the stadium yeah to know that you're within the structure absolutely right absolutely yeah yeah um things happen in bowels um speaking of things happening been tremendous to see everyone signing up for dreamland this week i'm not going to say it's humbling why would i say that

it's a ridiculous thing to say um it's really exciting i really hoped everyone enjoyed episode one of dreamland charlie personally i think the bit where i went to find the average start time of match of the day to the very second and then you started banging on about how using the mode number was more sensible really summed up the spirit and the ethos of Dreamland.

It's funny as I was, I'm traditionally more of a median man, so

yeah, it's a bit of a departure for me. If you are intrigued by the idea of Dreamland, you can sign up at dreamland.football clichés.com for $5.99 a month.
You get ad-free listening of all episodes.

You get two episodes a month of Dreamland, our exclusive new show, pre-tale access to football clichés live tickets, free entry to clichés quiz live events, and some upcoming exclusive discounts on merchandise.

Um, join the fun. Right, speaking of fun, got some sensational stuff for you today.
It's the adjudication panel.

Now, a rookie screen recording error from me the other night deprived this podcast of Paramount Plus pundit Tom Cruise's reaction to PSG going 1-0 up in the Champions League final.

But, thanks to the superbly named CJ Fogler, here it is. I'm looking forward to going to see it.
I call them, I'm like pumped every time that they're winning. What's happening there, guys?

That's a flare.

Yes! Wow!

Wow!

Ashley Fegini!

Wow!

Great goal.

That's a great goal. Clever goal.

Clever goal. Now, why do you say clever goal? Tell me, like...
It's a clever goal because...

The guy that passed the ball across, he could have easily shot. And

that's what I'm talking about.

Tennis is taking a shot strategically he's so immature

so intelligent as opposed to saying i'm going to get the point for myself yeah

now it'd be so easy nick to laugh at tom cruise not knowing anything about football but do you know what apart from the five wows which are just insane and very tom cruise and very intense i i respect the fact he he he sort of grilled beckham on what had happened in that goal yeah i i mean we we do have to kind of slightly gloss over the fact that the he said uh he don't want to get the point as well

you know come on yeah Let's be adult about this. I mean, there's a very rare occasion where I can identify with both Tom Cruise and David Beckham here.
Because

I can imagine sitting watching something that I don't understand and just being polite by saying, okay, well, explain to me why that is good.

And then I can also identify with Beckham slightly panicking there when he is asked to explain why it is clever.

Because you just, if you're sat there watching with someone who knows a little bit about football and you say, oh, that's clever.

You kind of assume that they'll know and nothing more will be said about it. But in this case, he's in some trouble.

Yeah, no, it's definitely some advanced, or at least some advanced intermediate football knowledge here, Charlie.

But the more I hear this clip, the more I respect Tom Cruise's sort of intense curiosity. Yeah, I mean, it's a little bit cliches of it.
What is a clever goal?

We should get him on.

What do you mean by that? What's a clever pass? Tom, I'll start with you.

What do you imagine with a clever pass? Would his MHD be more or less niche than Keir Starmer's?

I think he would be well prepped. His people would get him sorted.
But yeah, it could go down some very strange tangents. But yeah, I'm so delighted that C.J.
Fogler found this clip for us.

Right, Charlie, it has begun. We're barely into June, which means we're roughly a year away from the World Cup.

So England are using heated tents as part of training to replicate the conditions they could experience at the World Cup in the USA, Canada and Mexico next year. I love this stuff.

Yeah, you love to see it. You genuinely love to see it and how it's evolving.
The BBC tweeted this story out, Nick, with a little inset picture of just a camping tent. I mean, come on.

Well, just something you'd buy in like blacks or something. Like a Glasto situation.
Take it seriously, guys. Come on.

Presumably, this also means we are but weeks away from a story with, you know, shocking pictures saying that England's training camp is not yet ready.

Yeah, we haven't heard anything about England's training camp in a tournament that's covering such a vast area, I don't really know what their strategy is going to be.

On Reddit, Paulie Walnuts, Charlie, says, I await the proper football man responses of why they just put a jumper on.

But yeah,

this is a perennial England tournament problem, isn't it, Nick? How to deal with the weather. If they're getting ahead of the problem a year in advance, good, good stuff.
I understand

that they have to do these things to prepare. It does feel a bit marginal gains.

A bit sunny gym. Yeah, a little bit.
Do football correspondents have to do this sort of stuff, Charlie? Can you see the England pack sort of piping away in a humid tent just to get themselves ready?

Filing on the deadline. Giving themselves arbitrary deadlines.

Charlie prepped for going to the French Open by having a small portion of his garden overdone with clay. So he's just been kind of walking up and down it.

Getting my shoes used to it. Yeah.

Surrounded by slightly rude people. Right.

Now, if finding the Gazette Football Italia commentary was the podcast masterpiece the other day, perhaps this is a straight-to-DVD sequel. A little reminder of what we had the other day.

This is Premier Manager from the Amiga in the 90s.

So there was some confident speculation, Charlie, that this was Richard Keys' voice featuring on 1993 release Premiere Manager.

We were confident about this. It sounded like him in his commentary days, sort of more youthful, a bit lighter on his feet, vocal feet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think, yeah, so the only other person could be was Gary Bloom, but I thought it was Keysy. Yeah, he went down the Gary Bloom trap.
Everybody does that.

Well, Nick, Chad Wedge24 got in touch on Reddit, and it says, I was listening to Richard Keys' line, What a Way to Equalize, and I instantly knew this was from the 1988-89 Goals Galore VHS video.

I watched it a billion times as a kid. Well, I had a look, and let's see what happens.

goal.

Colin Cooper setting his sights. Great goal.

The mystery solved nice and quickly in the space of what? 48 hours, Nick? Job done.

How do you feel about that?

You're now sort of unconsciously outsourcing this stuff. You don't have to do it.
You've just got a loyal band of followers who'll do it for you. I would say that's slightly harsh.

I did find the game in the background of someone's childhood photo the other day.

Yes, I saw that, and I do wonder. I do worry about you sometimes.

No, no.

I'm like a dog with a bone. Once I'm presented with this image of some football on a TV, I will find it.
I think that's why Nick's worried. Yeah.
Yeah, I haven't really disproved it there.

I've replicated him in any way. Right, next up, Bronson OSR asks Charlie, have football-adjacent events gone too far? Well, on Friday, the 11th of July, if you're free, at Manchester's Halle St.

Peter's, you can experience the magic of candlelight concerts as talented musicians bring to life a playlist inspired by the music Cristiano Ronaldo has publicly shared his love for. Oh my god.

This set list has been thoughtfully crafted from songs he has mentioned enjoying, giving fans a unique way to connect with his world through music.

In italics, please note this experience is not officially affiliated with Cristiano Ronaldo or their representatives. I mean, this is mad.
A mad reason to put on a concert.

What's the capacity of this play? I mean, how many people are they expecting to come? I don't know. Tickets are around 30 quid or so.

So, not astronomical. How?

I mean, this is just a kind of Spotify playlist got really out of hand, doesn't it? Talk us through the set list, please, Nick. Kicking off with the Champions League anthem,

which has helpfully been the artist of Tony Britton. Thank you.
Not leaving anybody under any illusion about the connection right at the very start here. Don't make it too subtle.

Oh, that Champions League anthem. Okay, yeah, good, right, yeah.

Then we've got Rocket Man by Elton John. Then Faith, George Michael.
I can see Ronaldo enjoying that one for some reason. I don't know why.
Another Day in Paradise by Phil Collins. That is bizarre.

But then also a glimpse into Ronaldo's world of being slightly guilty about his wealth, perhaps.

Yeah, which

I'll be honest, doesn't really. Yeah, it gives that impression, doesn't it? Yeah, it doesn't really track.
Then we've got Wonder Wall by Oasis.

Of all the things you could say about Cristiano Ronaldo, I can't picture him, you know, 1 a.m. at a party somewhere.

An acoustic guitar is produced from somewhere and he starts playing Wonder Wall. War.
Also, by extension, Charlie, I don't think I want to hear Wonder War by Oasis played by a string quartet.

Not even anybody's wedding.

Yeah,

it's a strange mix. Ness and Dormer's in there.
We are the champions. Living La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin.
What a segue that's going to be.

Yeah, I can see him liking Ricky Martin. Yeah.
Rihanna. Bylando by Enrique Iglesias.
And finishing with Eagora by Neninho Vasmaya.

Not familiar with that one, but it's good to see Ronaldo going back to his roots in a playlist that he is not affiliated with, just to be absolutely clear. I cannot stress that enough.

It's not a very long playlist. That's about 20 minutes, surely.
Maybe they'll play sort of clips of his great goals or something like that.

Evidence of him talking about them. Yeah.
If you're going to this concert at Halle St. Peter's, let us know why you're going.
And then after the event, let us know how it was as soon as possible.

Speaking of classical music, this is brilliant. It came from Diplo Penguin.
Here is Dan Walker on Classic FM Breakfast.

This is Classic FM from Global. It's Wednesday morning.
This is Dan Walker with Classic FM Breakfast. I have so much brilliant music for you today.
Schubert and Vivaldo.

Vivaldi, follow Tchaikovsky.

Good to see so many of you appreciating my mention of Vivaldo instead of Vivaldi this morning. John says, I'm old enough to remember Vivaldo, great right right foot.
You're not wrong, John.

Tony in leads. Vivaldo, Dan, what a player.
I think Harry Redknapp tried to sign him at Spurs. Travel on the way with Simon, and if you like Vivaldo, well, Brahms Ldinho will really set you off.

All coming on El Classico FM. Oh, nice little touch.
Nice. He pulled it back.
I mean, just tremendous banter all around, Nick. I think that's probably the best 360-degree banter I've ever seen.

He enjoyed it. The listeners enjoyed it.
We're enjoying it by extension. Nobody loses here.
That was great. The listener emails in or whatever were absolutely spot on.
Just exactly the right level.

Do you think they get this sort of level of banter on Classic FM regularly, Charlie? I don't know. I don't think so.

I think it's quite straight, normally. Do you think the texts that they got in were exactly what you would expect? Harry Redknapp signing in for Spurs is spot on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What a player.
It's fairly basic. Yeah.
It did get me thinking, though, Nick, like, who Vivaldo would have played for. I mean, it's such a spectrum of possibilities here.

Vivaldo could easily have been a member of Brazil's 1958 World Cup winning squad and then stayed until 1970, but also could quite conceivably be playing in the Saudi second division.

Having done that, Middlesbrough in the 90s. Yeah.
That's where my mind went. Vivaldo would be so.
Had been a kind of lesser member of the 94 World Cup winning team.

And then popped up at Middlesbrough, washed up a couple of years later. Maybe one of those Brazilians that rocked up at Shaktal Danetsk in the kind of 2000s, perhaps.
Squad number 84. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. A couple of non-footballing things for you next.
Chris Woodward writes in and says thought you might enjoy cricket's Owen Morgan making a meal of bread and butter literally.

But that is a staggering achievement and of all those names down there it's only Kevin Peterson that is into the 40s. He's averaging just over 49.

Remarkable. Yeah truly remarkable.
He just it's bread and bed and breakfast. You know he expects me to go out and get a start.
We talk about his rotation and strike all the time.

That is a huge volume of runtime. Vic, I mean, you're a cricket man.
Is bed and breakfast a thing? Can we just clarify whether that is a thing?

No, there is a similar, I can't remember the exact wording, there's a similar thing for like when you when you really kind of get in in an innings and you're kind of booking in for bed and breakfast.

Right. So that's not that that's not used in that context.
Oh, okay. Alarm bell's ringing here, Charlie.

I don't want to ridicule it too much, but how do you feel about bed and breakfast as a as a kind of substitute for bread and butter? I think I'm all right with it.

Yeah, I was just thinking about that.

Is it exactly the same meaning? Bed and breakfast. It's slightly different, I think.
Because breakfast is a bonus. It's not totally expected.

There is a semblance of luxury to bed and breakfast, isn't there? Yeah. You're going to like, oh, you get breakfast as well.
Okay. Don't mind it.
Well, I think we've given that a balanced approach.

How about this one, though? It came from Nathan. He says, I was listening to Talk Sport Breakfast with Jeff Stelling and Gabby Bonlahor this morning on the way to work.

And despite it being about F1, I almost vomited when I heard the underperson x's belt phrase being completely abused

quickly sorry about the constructors as well 197 points mclaren lead now who would have respected this before the season started yeah i mean it's it's huge isn't it you've got two drivers firing and all cylinders lando had a strong end to last year and he certainly was the the lead mclaren and oscar's been huge right he's only got 50 i don't know 53 54 whatever his races under his his helmet and he is uh i'm all right with that i think i feel like this must be a common thing in everyone having races under your helmet but nathan asks charlie surely in this scenario under his belt would still work because they actually literally wear belts so yeah i don't know under his safety belt but yeah under his helmet right the domestic english season may well be over nick but over in mls things are getting to the business end of the uh of a regular season by the looks of it major league soccer tweeted that vancouver have a commanding lead atop the western conference uh they're two points ahead of san diego nope

It's not particularly commanding. It's not a commanding lead, is it? So they've got two games in hand, Charlie, over San Diego.
So, I mean, can you factor that into the commandingness? No. No.

Because you're famous that you want points on the board. Yeah, exactly.
Adam Kelly asks, Nick, what constitutes a commanding lead at the top of the table?

How far along in the season can it be described as commanding? I think it has to be eight or more points and mid-season at least. I suppose we could do like a proportion, couldn't we? Yeah.

So I would say if it's if your points, if your gap at the top is a quarter of the games played, that's commanding. But you probably couldn't declare it before the 10-game mark.
Yeah, yeah.

I mean, the 10-game mark is your classic kind of don't pay attention to the league table until

point, isn't it? So

that seems fair. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Maybe a third, Charlie, because if you're four points clear after 12 games,

that would start to look commanding.

Yeah. Just about.
Yeah.

You're not sure about it, and that's fine. You can say it's not.
I don't mind.

Right, before we take a break, appropriately enough, here is the new Walker's Crisps advert, starring, in some senses, Lauren James, Leah Williamson, Louis Suarez, and a certain Mr. Leonard Messi.

Not again, Leo. We can't watch the game without any Walkers.
I got an idea.

Do you mind if we watch the game we use?

Anyone? Walkers?

Now, Charlie, this does, of course, start with the classic perennial conceit of, oh, we can't do this without product X. We can't sit here and watch the big game on our sofa without product X.

Wouldn't be the footy without dinner.

And then provokes the, again, perennial hunt in these sort of advertics to go and find the product somewhere. Just be more prepared, basically.

If you've already branded this social event, you think you'd be able to get the core product that you love the most.

If it's such a prerequisite, I've seen this advert quite a few times now, and it's sort of relatively toe-curling.

But I was struck about how they haven't really even tried to conceal how little effort Luis Suarez and Leonard Messi were putting into this. Suarez doesn't say anything.
Suarez doesn't say anything.

Messi looks quite reasonably like he's never been in a pub in his life.

Even to the point of that they filmed them being dropped off at this pub, and it's in your classic kind of blacked-out van thing with the automatic slide-y door, which,

I mean, just why put that in?

Just don't bother. Just get them walking into the pub.
It's like they're on a stag do. They've been dropped off at their pre-arranged venue, Charlie.
They're all piling out, going to pub.

And then Messi walks in. You haven't got any walkers, have you? Shut up.

You're on the wrong stag fella. Leo Williamson's kind of plausible.
She's she's, you know, you could, I could picture her walking into a pub and, you know, but the rest of them, no.

Yeah, and then, yeah, just, you know, Messi just sort of declaring in his best attempt at looking like a diva, no walkers, no game. I mean, that's that's the key sort of tagline of the whole thing.

And he clearly allowed them one take, and that's it, Charlie. That's it.
That's all you're getting. We're not doing it again.
No, I've got somewhere to go.

Not perfectly.

That's absolutely fine. Nope.
Yeah, nope, fine.

And do you know what I always love about crisp adverts, Nick? And I really want to sort of get 30 minutes with someone who directs these adverts and get them to explain why it has to be like this.

But why are crisp packets so immaculate in crisp adverts? Why do they have to be? Be authentic. Be sort of crinkled.
But no, it's ridiculously clean foil.

No one has any kind of struggles with kind of, hang on, I've got this the running way around.

And no one ever does that thing where you kind of tear one side of it and open them up to everyone in the pub either.

Absolutely right. Yeah, that would have.
I mean, that would have been a nice touch, Charlie. Exactly.

I mean, again, they must have consultants on board for this sort of stuff to make it look remotely pubby. Messi as well, quite an unselfish player.
Yeah.

Loves an assist. Incredible amount of ice in his Diet Coke on the bar there, by the way.
Pepsi, I think it would be for Messi. Oh, it's Pepsi.
We got only got Pepsi. Is that all right?

Actually, it is.

Aren't there a Prussian?

Tremendous. Right, this episode of Football Clichés is brought to you in association with Saley, a new e-Sim service app from the creators of NordVPN.

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retorsido motivo. Así que siquieres provaro que el grinch preparo ve McDonald's and vera lo que tremor.
En no Grinch meal, ya en McDonald's. In McDonald's participants asagotar existences.

Welcome back to football clichés. Some further matters to take care of in the midweek adjudication panel.

This came from Alex mount uh you probably both heard the news by now even in paris that shooty gatwa is leaving doctor who he had some very touching things to say about um that doctor who charlie there are no words to describe what it feels to be cast as the doctor nor are there words to explain what it feels like to be accepted into this iconic role that has existed for over 60 years and is truly loved by so many across the globe the fans are truly the final character and beating heart of this show and I can't thank the hoodiverse and the whovians enough.

This is a great twist on 12th Man. Yeah, I've never thought of that.
Yeah, you know who really stole the show? It's the audience. Yeah, actually, for me.

Doctor Who is nothing without the people who watch it and on the other side of the screen, Nick. Yeah, absolutely.
I suppose it could have gone with the assistant or something, but yeah, it's

the real showrunners of the people at home. Your job is now to get behind the new Doctor Who.

Right.

Kieran gets in touch next, Nick, and says, quick adjudication, please.

I keep hearing pundits prefacing their point by gesturing to a co-pundit and saying we were talking about this before we came on slash during the break slash during the week and then delivering their opinion I'm not happy about this punditry going on behind my back why tell me

I think it adds depth I think it's I think it's it's not even a conscious thing it's it's just sort of gentle implication that they've done their homework and there's a bit of depth to what's going on.

I kind of like it.

I like it as well because it kind of it's not that it kind of there's the implication that oh they're you know they're pals and they but it's the implication that they they are talking, would be talking about this kind of stuff anymore.

They don't just switch off when the cameras go off.

That they are kind of genuinely invested in this, in this stuff rather than just kind of being rolled out like likely an old messy and a crisp advert.

Charlie, it is a little bit like on the podcast when you say, yeah, I saw this in the running order. I'm like, don't do that.
Don't talk about the running order. Yeah, that's bad on my part.

But I do, but, but, um, yeah, too, I do like it because, like you said, I feel it conveys the fact that they live and breathe this stuff, which, which I kind of like.

But my equivalent of podcasts is sometimes I will say, Yeah, we were talking, like, not quite, we were talking about this earlier, but you know, I think I may have mentioned this or something because I'm kind of like, I'm risking the other day.

Yeah, well, you know, but you know, when people say things that they've already said to you, and they say it as if they're saying it for the first time, you're like, Yeah, you have already said that.

Um, so I really don't want to be that guy, even though clearly on a podcast or TV, it's different. You're allowed to say things you've said before off-air.
Yeah, Kieran, I don't share this irritation.

I think it's nice to break the illusion that they're on just on duty, and that's it. Um, Speckenbauer, great name, gets in touch next, Charlie, and says, here's one for football clichés.

For a game to be end-to-end, is there a minimum shots-to-goal requirement? I've watched a few games lately that I can only describe as end-to-end, but with very little 18-yard box action.

Well, okay, this is an interesting question, first of all. For a game to be end-to-end, does it have to require shots-on goal, or is it more just a flow of the game from an end to another end?

I don't think it is shots on goal-dependent necessarily.

If I think end-to-end, I think of those mad sort of counter-attacks, but often they're not really ending in shots because there's like a last-ditch tackle or a misplaced pass that then leads to another counter the other way.

I think that's more in the spirit of end-to-end. I mean, we're so obsessed with transitions these days, Nick.
We can detect transitions a lot better than we used to be. You should call it end-to-end.

I've never confronted this before, Nick, about whether end-to-end needs to have that proper bookending, each side with a shot on goal. But, I mean, you can get pretty close.

You could have a blocked cross or a blocked shot or, you know, just a promising attack that gets cut short by the defence so is it more of a territorial thing or is it about you know actual attacking thrust the shots all almost kind of would almost kind of interrupt it because you have a shot then then usually that there's a sort of natural break in it is either goes over or the keeper saves oh yeah he goes out for a goal kick that that's it the chain is broken but as as as you said if it's a the the shot blocked and then it kind of bounces out and there's a counter-attack that's the uh kind of ideal scenario yeah so it needs to be needs to be nice and smooth have a flow to it.

But Charlie, how many times should the action change ends for you to be able to declare it as end-to-end?

Because I think it needs to be one passage of end-to-ending for you to be able to declare it, right? Rather than happening a few times over the course of the first half.

Well, yeah, there'll be one sort of decisive one that feels particularly end-to-end.

How many ends? Well, you mean, how, I don't think it needs to like...

I think it's more of a cumulative thing that you have quite a lot of passages where it's doing this. I mean, I guess you probably want one kind of headline one where it has gone,

you know, it's gone sort of back and forth a couple of times, multiple times.

But I think it's also a feel. It doesn't have to be just one incident.
It is that this kind of keeps happening, or your sense is that it's happening quite a lot.

It's great that we got a tennis correspondent on this for Nick.

He knows a thing or two about this sort of stuff.

But

I figured, Nick, that the threshold for this would be pretty similar to the threshold that is met when a commentator can legally describe three consecutive headers in the middle of the pitch as a bout of head tennis.

I think it gets to the point where you think, okay, this is a bit odd. This is conspicuously end to end.

I actually think one end, the other end, and then back again

could just about do it if it was done quickly enough. Yeah, absolutely.

But I think there are two things here. As Charlie says,

it can be as a sort of general vibe of a game. But then you also probably do need at least one of those kind of discrete events where, as you say, it is attack, counter-attack, counter-counter-attack.

There you go. What other podcasts could possibly produce such a comprehensive analysis of this? A bit of data would have been good, but still, you can't have it all.

Sabrina messaged the other day, Charlie, and says, I was at Fulham vs. Manchester City the other day.

Pre-kickoff, they were announcing various Stadium Steward Awards, including the most promising steward.

I can only assume the winner has bags of talent, but is also rough around the edges, uncommonly efficient bag checking for that age, age, etc.

I'm also now imagining a Europe-wide Golden Boy equivalent for stadium stewards. I mean, it's good to see these people being recognised.
They do such unsung work. They do, yeah.
Most promises.

That's really interesting that there's another layer to that.

You know, because you know, you know, the good ones, I guess. But yeah, you kind of imagine they arrive fully formed, but of course they don't.
Annihilate now, says Nick.

Maybe they just need a loan to a smaller arena to get more crowd time.

Maybe a couple of games in League One, my voice, or something. How does a steward show promise? You're either good at it or you're not, surely.

That's kind of what I mean. But well, I guess you probably, there is only a certain amount of authority one can have when they're like, you know, a teenager.

Had a fluorescent jacket on when they were two.

So maybe it's just like, you know, once he, you know, gets facial hair and fills out a bit,

he's going to be proper. I knew they were going to be a steward when they were about three years old.
They sort of, they were lying on the floor, but not facing the TV.

Shepherding people the right way around the house.

Their dad put a bet on that they'd be a fullham.

10,000 people.

Maybe the promising element comes with

if

they have an air of authority and they do get people to go a certain way or whatever it is, but they just get a basic errors. Yeah, like a relatively minor ground regulation wrong.

They've sent a few people down

to the wrong entrance or something like that. It's right final decision when he gets there, isn't he? He gets in the right positions.
I think it's his last decision. That'll come.
That'll come.

Won't it?

Just a bit more, a bit few more minutes. Right, the transfer silly season.
I think we're starting to see the early rumblings. of this.

Talk sport reported, Nick, that Alexander Mitrovich could make a shock Premier League return this summer.

With Al Hillal working to sign Victor Ossiman, the ex-Fulham man might be axed due to foreign quota rules. I mean,

this is such a modern way of having to leave a club. Sorry, mate.

But Man United, Everton and West Ham are all monitoring the situation, they say. Inevitable Taste says, is Mitrovic more West Ham or more Turkish Super League? I think he is quite West Ham, Mitrovic.

This could happen. He is quite West Ham.
He's also, he does feel a bit... this era Man United, actually.

You know, they are.

Well, he's the sort of player that the state that United are at the moment, their fans could just so easily talk themselves into this being a brilliant idea.

But

historically, he is very West Ham.

I think possibly a little bit too early to be Turkish Sleeper League, but it's in his future. Besiktas, I think.
Yeah. Rather than the other ones.

Saudi to Turkey, Charlie, is a bit, it's a bit like, all right, it's like having two desserts, isn't it? Come on, mate.

But if you've got that, that's fine. Because, yeah, when Nick said there, you know, is it too soon for Tob? But yeah, you think once you've crossed that frontier once, and

you've gone to Saudi, would it then be easier? But yeah, maybe

a little bit. Time zone-wise, you know, you're closer.

You know what it's like to be a few hours ahead of GMT. I wouldn't sleep on Everton here, Nick.
He is very Everton. And it almost doesn't matter who the Everton manager is.

They don't really change their philosophy. It's all about being hard to play against at Goodison or the new place.
So I think I could suck at him in an Everton shirt quite conceivably.

And as we established the other day, they do love a number nine. Yeah.
As opposed to loving a number 10. Oh, that seals it.
Yeah, okay, interested.

Yeah, I think he's due another Premier League stint. 30 years old.
Not too late for him. Next up, Just Chill129 says a huge moment for clichés fans in Ireland.

I forgot to take a photo of this, regrettably, but I discovered today at the Football Association of Ireland HQ that the guest Wi-Fi password is Fair Play.

That's Andy Townsend's influence for you. They said he was a plastic Irishman, but no, his legacy lives on.

That's great.

That leads us in nicely. People have been enjoying, Nick, Jack Copper's sensational listenfairplay.com, the searchable football cliché's audio database.
I mean,

I can't keep going overboard about this. It's an incredible invention.

It's phenomenal.

And

I'm saying this just hours after

you left me reeling by using it.

When I suggested something for the pod and you sent me back a link to Listen Fair Play that indicated that it had been that that that reference had been used relatively recently.

So it's it's all it's not only magnificent, but it's a time saver as well. The listeners have predictably, Charlie, been digging into this research tool.

Snave ninety six undertook the mammoth task of finding out who's been mentioned more, Keyes or Gray.

If you factor in all the possible variations of their name and allowing for missed transcriptions from the software, She's getting very Pele's goal scoring record here, but Richard Keys is at 1,313, 14 now, I guess.

And Andy Gray is at 1,052.

So, I mean, probably about right.

Yeah, that feels right, because initially I saw just the Keys and Gray mentions, which are almost neck and neck, but obviously, yeah, like you say, there's a lot of Keesys, et cetera.

And I was thinking, they can't be neck and neck because we go deep on Keesy more often in a way.

I mean, his blog alone, if Andy Gray had a blog, then, you know, maybe that would close that gap a little bit.

And I do fear, Nick, that this data includes us saying stuff like grey areas and things like that, or going grey, or something like that. So, yeah, I mean, he's he's stat padding there as well.

Grey matters, the title of his autobiography.

Mario Speedwagon says 37 hits for stag do seems low. I mean, 37 stagdos for Dave in the space of five and a half years.
That's probably a good ratio. Sounds a bit realistic for him.
Yeah.

And just a little one for Charlie. Just the other day, 173 times, says Ketters, must be 99%, Charlie.
You just love referring back to stuff. You love memorising things, and that's fine.

Hands up there. I'm just thinking, do I say just the other day or just the other day? I was thinking about this the other day.
I think. I was thinking about that.
Yeah, I think I'm more.

I don't think I do the just so much. I think, yeah, I was talking about this the other day.
Yeah, I don't think I say just, but yeah. Anyway, the last item comes from Anon Ben.

Nick, he asks, which sport is it acceptable to wear an England shirt to?

After going to watch England cricket this week, I've been reminded of my disdain for anyone over the age of 18 wearing club football shirts out in public outside of when they're watching their team play in person or when they're off to play five aside.

However, for some reason, I don't mind seeing England kits at the cricket. It just seems right.
That made me question which sporting events are acceptable to wear an England football shirt to?

And I've come up with a list of the main sports. First of all, Nick, England shirts, England football shirts at the cricket.
Is that tolerated? How's that? What's the vibe?

Yeah, I mean, you kind of anecdotally, you tend to see it as you might expect in major tournaments, summers. But it's not ideal, but it's kind of

strained.

Yeah,

you're supporting the concept of England rather than that specific team, maybe.

Okay, let's run through these other sports then. Anon Ben, Charlie, starts with football.
Unless it's to watch an England game or you're under the age of 12 going to a non-league game, it's weird.

So, yeah, I mean, wearing an England shirt to any other game would be odd, right? I think so. Yeah, to be that passionate about England over club football.
It's quite unusual. Rugby union, weird.

Obviously, that's weird, Nick. I mean, why would you do that? And on Ben was not elaborate on that.
Rugby league, also. Tennis would be very out of place.
Would you agree, Charlie? Very much so.

Darts, is it a sport? Don't care.

I mean, yes, it is. You could wear an English shirt to the darts, I think.
Yeah, I think so.

That feels like the of the other sports, that feels like the most likely place that you would wear an English shirt. Underdressed, if anything.
Golf would be very out of place.

Boxing, wrong because you'd have too many people dressed up smart.

You can't go as a casual boxing fan, can you? Suit jacket over your England shirt. Formula One, not a fan of it.
Take a flag instead or wear your stupidly expensive Mercedes Gilet instead.

I mean, yeah, I mean, I mean, I've got no skin in the game here, but don't wear an England shirt to the Formula One. Don't go to the Formula One at all, but don't wear an England shirt.

Athletics, similar to Formula One, but slightly more acceptable. Would rather people had flags instead.

Okay, well, I think we've descended nicely into nonsense here, Nick, but I think the upshot of this, cricket just about okay.

Football, all right, in some circumstances, but don't wear an English shirt anywhere else. Other than the darts, I think the darts is

the only other place. Right, okay.
Well, there we go. Horse racing.
I can't see it.

Some old blokes in England kits. There we go.
Right, a tremendous midweek adjudication panel. Dan Walker, very much the highlight for me.
Just dumpy stuff.

Great to see him back in the football circles in some form. Thanks to you, Charlie Eccleshare.
Thank you. Thanks to you, Nick Miller.
Thank you.

And we'll be back on Tuesday with some more big football clichés news. It just keeps coming.
See you then.

This podcast is part of the Sports Social Podcast Network.

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