The 100-minute fetish club, Love Actually in Naples, and the ultimate "released on DVD" game

I'm sorry, you can sit there and look and play with all your silly machines as much as you like.

Is Gascoigne gonna have a crack?

He is, you know.

Oh, I say!

Brilliant!

But jeez!

He's round the goalkeeper!

He's done it!

Absolutely incredible!

He launched himself six feet into the crowd and kung fu kicked a supporter who was eye without a shadow of a doubt getting him lip.

Postseason dust settling, Rory DeLap on throwing, double guards of honour, Don Goodman and Andy Hinchcliffe on co-comms, a baffling soundtrack to Napoli's Scudetto ceremony, Rio Ferdinand on Scott McDominay, the start of what could be the greatest saga in investigative football podcasting history.

Which game is the most have it on DVD and never watch-it game of all time?

George Earthy and Premier League players whose names belong in other sports?

And Keys and Gray, find out how many English teams are in Europe.

Brought to your ears by Goal Hanger Podcasts.

This is Football Clichés.

Hello everyone and welcome to Football Clichés.

I'm Adam Hurry.

This is the adjudication panel.

Joining me first of all is David Walker.

How are you doing?

I'm good.

How are you?

I'm alright.

Alongside you, Nick Miller, how are you i'm very well how are you yeah really good um dave the athletics newcastle podcast pod on the time simply ask when will the dust have settled when does the sort of generic general season dust settle uh is it always the same or can there be context specific dust i would say i mean if you think of the typical dust it's usually the dust settling on a season that's had its ups and downs so let's say spurs is season i i would say that the general dust for pretty much everybody settles at the same time You you have to go away and have a little think, and then the dust settles.

So I would give about a week.

Maybe not even that long in that case.

But are they referring to the uncertainty around Aston Villa's complaint against PGMOL in the Champions League situation?

Why would they be talking about that?

Oh, I see.

Are they going to get affected?

I don't know.

I don't think anything's going to change, though, is it?

I mean, Villa aren't going to get any points back.

So, I mean,

the subtext of your question is pretty pertinent.

I don't know why they're asking, but

the general dust nick, about a week?

Because that gives players enough time to go to Dubai and then think about what it is they want to do with their lives.

But I mean, is the dust, do we have to wait until Chelsea's season to finish for the dust to start settling?

Because obviously they've got a final on Wednesday, and then there's a club,

and it's all, you know,

there's a more and more limited window for dust to settle these days.

Yeah, can your dust settle if other teams' dust hasn't settled?

Which brings us round about to your very original point there, Dave, I guess.

Let's say a week.

Yeah, let's say a week.

Let's move things on.

Nick, really enjoyed your piece for the athletic the other day, looking back at the

fascinating era where Stokes suddenly became good at long throws, thanks to Rory DeLap.

An incredible quote in the middle of this.

Not straight to you, sadly, but here it goes.

DeLap had been a javelin thrower in his youth, becoming local champion for his athletics club in Carlisle.

I could always throw things from a young age, he said in an interview with Sport Bible in 2023.

Stones, cricket balls, golf balls or whatever.

When I threw things, I remember people going, wow, look how far he can throw things.

It was such a good thing.

It's just perfect.

It's so good.

I I I when I when I started doing that piece I thought right well people have done this piece before so I want to get as many original voices as I can and try not to use like secondary interviews and stuff like that.

But then when I read that and read that line I just like there's no way there's no possible way I couldn't have included it.

And there was also, I mean, as it happens,

I don't think he was, he himself was going to talk about it, but there was just no point in me trying to kind of get anything else out of him after that line.

It was just, it was perfect.

Yeah, you can't over-intellectualize just throwing things really far, can you, Dave?

No.

And to break it down, stones, yep, people throw stones on the beach, whatever.

Cricket balls, obviously, yeah.

Golf balls.

Why are you throwing golf balls?

Don't suggest that he was just going around for showing off.

Listen, show what I can do with a golf ball.

Maybe it was a yeah, it was a show-off thing where everyone else was using clubs and he was just chucking them.

Yeah.

I mean, there's always a kid at school who was really good at throwing things.

I could never work out why.

It wasn't one of those kids.

She couldn't throw.

It's too small.

Shame.

Dave, how have you done as a good thrower?

Well, actually,

24 hours ago, so I've been down in Weymouth for the weekend for a friend's birthday.

And we were staying right on the beach.

And it's a stony beach.

And I actually just, in an idle moment yesterday, just went out onto the beach and started throwing stones into the sea and then you sort of throw one you think oh that wasn't very good let me see if i can get it a bit further and i was i was really disappointed in my ability to throw and then just on my right in my periphery some some big bloke came along picked up a stone started doing the same and just absolutely launched it so i i he sent me packing i don't know why the way you worded that because stones see you obviously think of skimming when you said they just started throwing stones into the sea well i did try to skim i tried to skim and i was so bad so i thought i'll just chuck it i'll just chuck it, see if I can get it further.

But for some reason, just throwing stones into the sea sounds incredibly bleak.

What's a little bit

throwing stones into the sea?

Didn't know what to do.

I was justifying.

Don't underestimate the plop.

Yeah.

But yeah, skimming very much my first port of call in that scenario.

So but if you haven't got it, you haven't got it.

Right, let's start with the Premier League's final day.

A few moderate sized talking points.

First of all, Nick, the double guard of honour at Anfield between Liverpool and Crystal Palace, it worked out exactly as we hoped it would.

It was brilliantly choreographed.

Whether it was planned in advance, whether so whose job was it to tell them how they should do it and how it should sort of fold in on itself?

I don't know.

I mean,

who is even suggesting that as an idea?

I mean, it kind of was all trailed with social media posts and like, you know, winners-only, all that kind of thing.

I think that was Liverpool, wasn't it?

They put out this post.

But yeah, I mean, who thought of that and then decided and then someone went, yeah, actually, that's a really good idea.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, irresistible to do it, Dave.

I mean, I think it warrants it.

I mean, they're both eligible for it, no question.

It just felt like a spectacle that nobody could resist.

It's almost like a sort of bit of choreography, sort of like a reminiscent of an opening ceremony,

in a way.

But I was thinking having the FA Cup final before the last day of the Premier League season is a relatively recent development because you wouldn't normally get a Guard of Honor if you're the FA Cup winners, would you?

Yeah, that's true.

So this is quite a novel situation.

I did see a video of Slot and Glasner sort of slightly awkwardly exchanging exchanging gifts in the tunnel and it was being filmed and they were sort of having a bit of a chat but you know one of those things can you just give each other the gifts and I'll just I'll just film it just keep it natural just and it was all pretend pretend I'm not here

yeah what were the gifts are we talking about like just pennants or was it personal was it personal gifts from man to man or represent or club to club to club kind of thing yeah I think it was it was they were doing it in the manner of a of a pennant exchange but I think one of them had like a gift bag right so I don't know if it was a bottle of something or baffle watts inside it or something.

Yeah.

I've always wanted one of these.

Thanks.

Well, classy touches all round in that case.

But of course, this Premier League season, Nick, ended, as it should do these days, with a Premier League club filing a futile but pointed complaint about a referee to the authorities.

Nothing's going to happen, Aston Villa.

Nothing will happen not only retrospectively, but nothing will happen on the back of

what you're complaining about.

There's just nothing.

This is all for show, and I kind of understand it, but it is utterly futile.

I'm just delighted it wasn't Forrest doing this.

You've set the trend.

Thanks, Forrest.

Thanks, Jose Mourinho.

This is where football's got to.

Just one of the many things that football has to thank Nottingham Forrest for.

There was some kernel of logic behind the disgust over the Aston Villa decision, Dave.

This is the referee blowing the whistle for a foul on Lte Bayendere of Manchester United before Morgan Rodgers rolled the ball home.

And interestingly, the referee in in question, Thomas Brammel, has been alternating between the championship and the Premier League.

And obviously, the championship doesn't have VAR, so there's an implication that he's got the muscle memory of just whistling for fouls quickly and not letting the game flow, which I can kind of get.

Like, it's probably.

I mean, they are well-drilled.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

I was sort of thinking when watching the championship playoff final on Saturday and there's VAR in that one.

I thought that was a bit weird that you for the teams.

Like, they're used to not having it all season, then all of a sudden they've scored a goal that got ruled out.

Shefford United had a goal ruled out.

It must have been a strange feeling for them.

They should train with VAR, shouldn't they?

Yeah.

Yeah, I can see, yeah, without wanting to get into it, I can see why Phillip would be a bit perturbed.

But

as you rightly say, nothing's going to happen.

Somebody somewhere will get a fine at some point.

Somebody's on record.

It was also, there's also, I know it's a slightly different situation with the, because there's obviously been a bit of a bit of uproar after the Tyroanyu incident from a couple of weeks ago about this whole business of delaying the whistle or delaying the flag or whatever, delaying what a decision with VAR in mind.

So

in that scenario, everyone was saying, well,

they should have just flagged immediately.

And

in this scenario, they're saying, well, he should have just let it run.

So it was a kind of classic cipher of the common sense consistency debate where I'm referring.

I know, I know the situation was slightly different, but you know, what if Rogers had they'd let it go, Rogers had gone round the goalkeeper and twisted his ankle?

What then?

What then?

I don't know who I feel worse for, Dave.

Do I feel bad for Thomas Bremmel, the referee, given that he's been it's been labelled the 30 million pound mistake?

Or on reflection, having watched Kiefer Moore, having to see that Sunderland attack unfold after he'd given the ball away in the 96th minute or something.

And I just think, you're going to have the shittest night's sleep tonight.

I honestly, that's such an acute feeling of, oh my God, we've got to go and play 46 championship games again next season.

Oh, awful.

And

he also had a header saved brilliantly in like the second minute of the game as well.

So he's got two things that will keep him up at night thinking back to that game.

If they'd both gone the other way, he'd be in the Premier League.

But yet, the position that he gave the ball away on the pitch and just he was right behind it all, just watching it unfold.

You j oh my god, it's it is the stuff of nightmares, isn't it?

There are very, very few scenarios where I you would compare Kiefer Moore to Raheem Sterling, but it really reminded me and it almost like it almost identical bit of that that pitch as well.

Do you remember in Euro 2020 when Sterling gave the ball away and Thomas Muller went through?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

And

obviously, it looked before the world that Muller was going to score.

And Sterling just, it must have been the kind of longest, like, three seconds of his life all over the world.

Because he was just going to, oh, go, fucked it.

I've completely fucked it.

Everyone's going to hate me.

And then he just kind of stadium.

Yeah, collapsed in relief when Muller missed it.

Oh, God.

Not only did Kiefer Moore sort of react with complete despair after he'd realised that he was giving away a sort of counter-attack, Dave, he then embarked on the classic kind of trying to make up for things run by dipping his head down and just running off.

I'm showing everyone he's running fast by just putting his head down.

Yeah, a fruitless pursuit.

Finally, Gary Lineke's match of the day farewell.

A more strung out affair, Dave, than I expected it to be, given the circumstances surrounding it.

I thought the whole thing was quite nicely done.

Really nice montage.

And then it got to the end and nobody knew how to sort of wrap it all up.

And then there were gifts.

It was like Glasner and Slot.

It was all...

And then the very end, as the credits were about to roll and they had the sort of wider shot of the studio, there was just a very awkward kind of bro-style handshake with Alan Shearer.

Just because neither of them knew what to do.

And I thought, that was quite touching in a way, just its sheer awkwardness.

Yeah, quite human, actually.

Because you think, I mean, you say your last line, look at the camera for five seconds, and cut.

That's it.

Job done.

But there was that.

he's done his line, he did his little speech at the end,

nicely delivered, very heartfelt, and all that.

But there was just that five seconds where Sashir has gone for the classic, reached across for the classic footballing slappy handshake.

Yeah, and then there was just a half-second bit.

Um, but yeah, it just shows how much it means to everybody involved.

So, I'm glad it was awkward because that's how it should be in these situations.

Um, let's return to Wembley in the championship playoff final.

Nick, some thought it was unsatisfying to have two such similar-feeling EFL Giants going going head to head at Wembley.

But do you know what?

It was time that Don Goodman and Andy Hinchcliffe did co-commentary together.

You picked him out.

Patrick Roberts drifting in from that right-hand side into more central area, picks the run out.

Meander does the rest.

Brilliant first touch.

Better second touch.

So difficult though with a ball coming across your body to control it, cushing it with the outside of your boot.

You normally maybe stand on the ball, the ball gets away from it, it doesn't go anywhere.

It's an amazing touch when you're moving at speed.

And you spoke about Tyrese Campbell, and Maender hadn't really been in the goals too much towards the end of the season.

Scored that summer at Bristol City and then scored the one in the first leg against Coventry.

It's like when Sting, Brian Adams, and Rod Stewart all did a sum together.

All for one?

Yeah, that's right.

For that really

crap Musketeers film.

Best thing about it.

That's great.

It's nice to have them side by side so we can just pick out the subtle differences.

Hinchcliffe, just a note or two higher

in pitch than Goodman.

Yeah, I mean, we've had a lot of feedback about this, Nick, our ongoing disbelief that they are different people.

And obviously their accents are different.

You know, Hinchcliffe is from Manchester.

Goodman is from Leeds originally.

But it isn't the accent.

They have exactly the same earnest cadence to their commentary.

Yet, I mean, as Dave says, there's a good half an octave between them, but

the way that they dovetail is actually surprisingly good.

So it was good to hear them sort of segue into each other.

It's very kind of BT TNT stuff to have twin co-comms.

I mean, I know

Sky will have occasionally done it with like Neville and Carragher, I suppose.

But a classic big European knight, and Fletcher's got two mates next to him

rather than one.

I mean, they deserved to be given the gig together, didn't they, Dave?

I mean, they've just done so much this season, it's like having to choose a goalkeeper for a final.

It's like, get them both on.

Yeah, they are Mr.

and Mr.

Championship, aren't they?

Yes, I think so.

Now, elsewhere in this commentary, Daniel Mann was the main comms for this one.

This came from Mark Craven.

And just as injury time ticked on, Daniel Mann tapped into one of football's niche appeals.

Effectively, when the game restarts here, reset that clock to 90 minutes

in your mind.

So

we should see 100 minutes come up, which I know a lot of you enjoy.

I think I am talking to a quite niche audience there, to be honest, but

they're out there.

In Spellingham.

Love that last bit, Nick.

It really made it sound like it's a CD thing to enjoy 100 minutes on the clock.

Yeah, it's like that thing.

There'll be someone who's into it.

Just google it, or there'll be someone who's into it.

I also quite like, obviously, it's impossible to tell which one.

I also liked whoever, one of the co-commentators laughing in the background both of them did both of them joined

absolutely spot on yeah Hitchcliffe with the high-pitched Goodman coming in with a sort of more measured chuckle Dave everything's great about this keep them as a threesome I say yeah yeah love it get them promoted why not um now the match winner for Sunderland was Tom Watson and uh he's off to Brighton I understand it he's incredibly brighten as well by the way but uh this came from Ethan James this is Tom Watson being interviewed by Sunderland's in-house media after the game.

Now, Nick, at this time of year, there are so many of these interviews.

How does it feel?

Tell me, you know,

how does that sound?

That sort of thing.

You'd expect the language to go a bit autopilot, and so it did.

When you went to sleep last night, you must have been dreaming that

you could have produced something like that on the big stage.

Yeah, honestly, I don't think I could have even drunk a lot.

It's honestly absolutely dream come true.

Did you dream it or not, mate?

Oh, Oh, excellent.

He's only young.

He'll learn.

No, that's fine.

But I don't know.

I mean, maybe we just need to stop phrasing questions like this.

But at least he didn't ask him.

At least he didn't ask him, what would you say to a younger self?

God knows what he would have answered with.

In attendance at Wembley, Dave, was Jordan Henderson, once of Sunderland.

Yeah.

There is talk of him actually returning to the Stadium of Light for a sort of last hurrah for his career.

This is from the local newspaper, The Chronicle, about Jordan Henderson's future next season.

Now, with the summer window approaching and with a contract expiring in 12 months' time, his future is in fresh limbo.

It's the essence of newspaper chat, isn't it?

Fresh limbo.

What a ridiculous pair of words.

Fresh limbo.

Get your fresh limbo here.

They are the two, generally the two contexts you hear fresh used used like that are in transfer talk and a grocer

on a kind of stereotypical market.

This is alluding to the fact that he did nearly leave Ajax in the January window, I believe, or earlier in the season.

So that was the initial limbo.

Right.

Now, assuming that limbo continued to be in limbo, or surely was out of limbo once the window shut.

But now he's back.

Now it's fresh limbo, I suppose.

Yeah.

Weird how fresh is caught on as simply meaning new in football.

A fresh controversy is just...

Mad word.

But there we are.

Now, things are really hoeing up now.

We've dealt with the end of season business.

Well, almost.

This came from David Lawrence and a small handful of people on Twitter who also clocked this.

Here's Antonio Conte taking the podium as Napoli are presented with the Scudetto.

Ignore the commentary.

Just listen to the background soundtrack.

And the relationship between him and Delorensis has worked.

Perhaps against the odds

when you consider

the potential volatility

of the two personalities, but

they've so far been a great combination.

I'll tell you, I wouldn't want to play poker with De Lorenz.

He gives nothing away, does he?

Either of you recognise that soundtrack?

No, I couldn't quite make it out.

That is.

I'm struggling.

Struggling a bit.

You'd think it was just some general orchestral music for the occasion.

That is, in fact, from love, actually.

It's from the scene where the kid runs through the airport chasing after the girl that he fancies.

Is it?

Wow.

Tremendous.

I mean, of all the songs.

Why?

Is that a particularly famous piece of music?

I don't know.

Was it made, was Was it scored for the film?

Yes, I think it was.

It was right.

So it's the original piece of music for the film.

Maybe it's caught on in Italy more than we think.

But yeah, fascinating stuff.

Now, I mean, we continue to do these.

I'm not getting bored of them.

And nor should we when you have stuff like this.

Here's Rio Ferdinand on Serie A MVP Scott McTominay.

You know where this is going.

Scott McTommony.

Wow.

If his name was, I don't know, Culajulo, right?

He's going for 100 mils.

Yeah, if his name was Kula Hulo,

McSourcio, something like that.

He's going for 100 mil right now.

Because it's Scott McTomany and he's Scottish,

no one's even talking about big fees or Real Madrid looking at him.

Kula Hulo, McSourcio.

So half Finnish, half Brazilian.

That's the sort of player I want.

Yeah.

Would settle in the Premier League really quickly, but has really good individual skill.

Either a new high or a new low for this genre.

You've got to think about this stuff.

You can't just make it up off the top of your head, Rio.

Kula Hulo.

I don't know what he's on about there.

McSourceyo.

I mean, McSourceio just, yeah.

I mean, it just none of it really works, does it?

I mean, the other fella, I think it was Joel Bayer on the clip on the clip, said Mctinio.

So that's a bit more.

That makes a bit that works.

Yeah.

That's more straight along the line, yeah.

Scott McTinio.

Yeah, yeah, Kula Hulo.

Fascinating.

It's always 100 million, isn't it?

Yeah, that's the benchmark for these fictional players.

Right, that's part one taken care of.

We'll be back very shortly.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now?

Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Welcome back to Football Clichés.

A reminder that you can get in touch at football cliches at gmail.com.

You can DM me on Twitter, Instagram, or get in touch on our Reddit page.

Our Reddit page, Nick, has hit such popular heights that we are now level pegging with Wallace and Grommet, snorkeling, pencil stabbers.

Now, this will require some explanation.

This is a subreddit made for people who have been stabbed with a pencil and have a black dot.

Shouldn't it be pencil stabbies?

Yeah, true.

In more mainstream senses, house music, Zen Buddhism, WWE memes, Makita, the power tools manufacturer manufacturer and sponsor of the best preseason tournament the revel was, Pizza Hutt, Ask a Priest, and Herpes Cure Research.

Can't combine the last two.

Shut up, right.

Right, next up, this could be our new Finding the Three Lions punditry samples for the new era.

This came from CJD, and we need everybody's help with this, if possible.

He sent me an unlisted YouTube video, always the best types of YouTube video.

This is of Clyde beating East Sterlingshire 7-1 in the Scottish Third Division back on the 15th of October 2011.

Now, it's not the time of place you'd expect to hear goal music over the PA system, but after the seventh goal goes in, they played this.

So, this is the original commentary for the Gazette of Football Italia.

Football Italia.

Yeah.

From what I can see on the internet day, there is no record of where that commentary sample has come from.

No one's ever known where it's come from.

This is the closest we're ever going to get.

Someone in 2011 in the Clyde press box has found the commentary clip by Jose Altofini.

And they definitely weren't just playing, because they weren't playing the theme tune, were they?

With I couldn't hear any music underneath that.

And crucially, crucially, obviously there's a lot of Brazilian Portuguese commentary before that.

The goal goes in in the audio.

You hear that Brazil.

And they play that after every goal scored by Brazil in like the 80s and 90s on TV.

So I'm pretty sure it's a Brazilian international goal.

So that's one clue.

It's not Italian.

It's not Italian because he was a Brazilian-born Italian.

He played for Brazil and Italy.

And

he became a commentator and pundit on Italian TV later on.

So it's Portuguese.

I sent it to Jack Lang.

It was my first port of call for this.

He couldn't quite make out because the audio wasn't good enough.

But what makes me think that it's definitely this, you know, one piece of original audio, Nick, is that when you get to the famous audio at the end, he says it twice, and the second one is the one that's used.

So it seems organic to me.

They haven't taken the audio from Gazette and stuck it on the end of some other commentary.

Why would they have done for a start?

So we've got the original goal.

We just need to find out what it is and when it was.

This is huge.

It's huge.

Well, this is.

This is going to consume our lives for months then.

Excellent.

A little bit.

Nick, surely you can give AC Jimbo a a call, can't you?

See if he knows anything about the origins of this?

Yeah,

past kind of evidence and listening to Jimbo talking about this kind of thing, I suspect he won't know, but I will definitely ask him.

Don't worry, I've put some feelers out.

I've already messaged on LinkedIn the composer of the theme tune, Steve Dewberry.

Okay.

He hasn't got back to me yet.

But yeah, we're going to get there.

I mean, so I asked CJD, who says he's been looking into this for 10 years.

His life's work.

I know.

I said to him, why don't you just ask the bloke who played it at the game?

Like, surely you can get in touch with him.

He says, no, no, I knew him.

He was a friend of mine, but he went off to Australia and disappeared.

Oh my God.

He's been working on it for 10 years.

The CIA have done him over.

ITV will make a drama about it.

You know, his marriage broke down.

He became estranged from his kids.

He said,

I can't give this up.

I've got to keep fighting till the end.

We're going to do it.

We're going to do this.

Imagine finding the original goal.

This is a whole separate episode, this, I think.

This could be your serial.

Yeah, exactly.

This is Cliches does true crime spin-off.

The annoying thing is, it's tantalizingly close to being able to discern some words in the commentary.

But if a.

Maybe I need a native Brazilian Portuguese speaker.

Sorry, Jack, you're not good enough.

Right?

Give Natalie Judger a shout.

Yes.

Why is the video unlisted on YouTube?

What's going on?

Where's the guy in Australia?

Why is this?

This is all mad.

But we're going to do it.

I will not rest until I have done this.

Right, let's return to regular matters: footballers' names in things.

First one comes from Ed Quoth the Raven.

He says, this 1994 episode of The Bill opens with a footballers' names in things, appropriately, a character who only appeared in one episode.

Helen.

Good.

Got my message.

Yeah, first thing.

So what's up?

I've heard a bit of news about someone you might be interested in.

Like who?

Dave Nugent.

So what's Nugent been up to now?

Yeah.

I wanted it to be him, and it's always.

I know it's going to be him.

Amazing.

This episode, Nick, aired on May the 26th, 1994, 31 years ago to the day as we record this.

Isn't it nice when these things come together?

Lovely stuff.

David Nugent would have been what?

Nine years old, I think.

He nipped in just before Jermaine Defoe was about to commit the crime.

Selling dodgy leather jackets, apparently.

Big storyline and the bill.

Right, next up, Michael Banks writes in, Dave, and says, a mate of mine plays rugby and made his international debut for the United Arab Emirates over the weekend, playing away in Kenya.

That's a listen fair play, if ever I heard.

So I'm reading the match report, and

the UAE went 14-0 up at half-time.

But after Kenya head coach Jerome Parwater's half-time talk, it seemed to awaken the Simbas, who came out roaring in the second half.

Their efforts were rewarded when Bethel Anami scored under the posts, with Eric Cantanar converting to reduce the deficit to 7.14.

Eric Cantanar's playing rugby for Kenya.

Yep.

Spelt with a K, I can tell you.

But that's not where it ends.

The Kenya Simbas roared back in the second half.

and making it 47.24 with a try from Andy Cole Amolo.

All one word.

Hang on.

There's something happening here.

Can't be a coincidence.

Nope.

Andy Cole, all one word.

That's just a brilliant first name.

And I've checked the squad.

There's another guy called Teddy.

Do they get along?

Oh,

it's all fun, isn't it?

It's brilliant.

Right.

Next up, Neil Roach.

He says, I listened to the Christian O'Connell show that's broadcast from Melbourne, Australia.

He recently ran a feature on school teachers that had done something remarkable for a listener, and as a result, they were never forgotten.

The woman that reads the news on the show, Patrina Jones, recounted a tale about her metalwork teacher.

So this is very much the go on, go on, yeah of footballers' names in things.

I remember we had to do this task of doing a bowl and I said, Mrs.

Scholes, I'm really, you know, I'm really not getting this.

So if you'd ask him nice enough, he'd actually do it for you.

Oh my gosh.

He just loved it so much and he'd have a chat to you chatting away.

What are you doing for the weekend?

Yeah, yeah, and all this.

And then he'd go on to mark you with like an A plus

because he had essentially made your project for his own work yes but it was delightful Paul Scholes he was a legend yes

I was willing it to be Paul Sculles and it was Scoles of Melbourne yeah

um finally not a footballer's names in things it's semi-iconic football quotes in things the Monaco Grand Prix Mercedes George Russell given a penalty of some kind had to drive through the pits without stopping really don't care about the details and his team were on the radio to him talking about what he had to do.

And he replied with a, I prefer not to speak.

No one would say that, surely.

Did he do the accent?

I mean, annoyingly, this is why we can't use the audio.

The audio breaks up on his on his mic, so you can't really hear it, but he says it in a very stilted way, which makes me think he was sort of using the meme rather than saying it sincerely.

I think not beyond him to do that.

I've seen...

Okay.

I think I've seen, you know, clips of him sort of joking around and kind of...

I could see it.

I could see he's definitely dropping that in mid-race.

mid-race fair enough next up in the aftermath of Tottenham ending their 17 year trophy drought by winning the Europa League I've seen some textbook trophy cabinet jokes trying to move the joke on a little bit but I've yet to see anyone quip about Spurs bringing out a DVD of the game I feel like that joke's kind of died a death a bit probably quite naturally I suppose some technology has put paid to it hasn't it but also that that joke is made about you know like nondescript wins in the league you know you beat someone 4-0

and oh they'll be bringing a DVD out about that tomorrow, won't they?

Well, they actually could bring a DVD.

They should bring a DVD out of the Europa League final.

This is going to be the crux of my entire point.

Nick, Spurs should bring out a DVD of their Europa League final win.

I know it was a shit game, but people would buy it.

It would sell loads of copies.

They would.

It would be the least...

Possibly the least actual watched DVD.

It would just be a thing to have on your shelf because the game was so terrible.

Even the goal was rubbish.

So, yeah, just a thing to say, look, there it is.

That's when we win the Europa League.

Well, I I mean, if anyone could ever sort of analyse the metrics of DVDs of full games, Dave, they probably must be amongst the least watched or at least completed form of DVD.

Because, I mean, I've owned a couple in my time.

I think I had Germany won England five in 2001.

Yeah.

I don't think I've watched all.

I just skipped to the goals.

So I'm not watching the whole thing.

I've had the 1966 World Cup final, which is a joker.

I've got that one.

It's rubbish.

It's so hard to watch.

It is.

Colourised or black and white have you got?

It's a good question.

I think it...

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's probably a deluxe edition.

We're both out there.

Yeah.

Steel book case.

But it begs the question, Nick.

What is the highest selling DVD of a single game ever?

And what do you think was the peak era for full games on DVD?

It kind of feels like

maybe...

to

sort of mid-late 2000s maybe big games of the mid-2000s Liverpool Milan yeah that's I mean who's ever called it that why have I said Liverpool Milan That's what people call it, don't they?

Yeah, 100%.

Yeah, the 2005 Champions League final.

That's got DVD written all over it.

I think so, because I've just had a look at a very quick Google for sort of high point of DVD sales.

Yeah.

And the IMDb lists the best-selling DVD of all time is Finding Nemo.

So that's 2004, something like that, or three.

So, yeah, the mid-noughties.

Mid-naughties, I think, is your real sort of high point for DVD.

So, yeah.

And we're counting Blu-ray in this, right?

I think so.

Yeah.

But, yeah, so I could see the miracle of Istanbul being right up there.

Infuriatingly, Amazon's algorithm is not helping me out here, Nick, in terms of telling me what the most best-selling single-game football DVD is.

I've checked their rankings, I've sorted it by best-selling.

And the first game, single game that came up, was the FA Cup final of 1963.

Man United versus Leicester.

Surely 4.7 stars on Amazon.

Sucking hell.

22 quid if you're up for it.

Yeah, sure.

As recently as the Lionesses winning Euro 2022, that's on DVD, Dave.

Not a single game.

It's the whole tournament in review.

So people were still buying that.

Yeah.

I was more of a

season review man than a single game.

Right.

I've got two or three Watford season reviews from

around that mid-naughties period.

The thing is, like, with the DVDs, the best thing about DVDs were, for me anyway, were all the special features and the extra scenes.

You know, you can't really really have a deleted scene in a football match, can you?

But you could have a commentary.

I reckon you get Ange commentating over the top of the game.

Well, people would pay to watch that.

At least get the set piece coach or something like that.

Yeah, just a couple of sort of

second-tier behind-the-scenes people.

But yeah, get in touch.

If you have a DVD of a single game, that's a good day to know how recent a phenomenon this is and whether you've watched the whole thing.

Right.

Now, Dave, you observed the other day, has there ever been a footballer with a more rugby name than George Earthy?

Yes.

It occurred to you while you were watching him play the other day.

Yeah, I was watching Bristol City, Sheffield United in the playoff semi-finals and Bristol City's George Earthy.

He's online from West Ham, I believe.

And it just, both component parts of that just were, you know, George, George is a very rugby name.

Yep.

And Earthy, it just, it just screams.

England rugby to me.

But specifically, like number 10 as well, like a ruggedly handsome number 10

competing amongst six others ruggedly handsome blokes to play number 10 for England.

Yeah.

I don't know what a number 10 is in rugby, really.

It's like the quarterback, isn't it?

It's not one of the big fat lads up front, is it?

No, he does the kicking and the chipping

and the gaming.

Yeah, that marks.

Exactly, yeah.

That's what you want to say.

Let's stop this, chat.

He's getting very much into kicky balls.

Joey Wilkinson was a number 10, I think.

Exactly right.

But yeah, you're spot on with this, Dave.

So it did make me wonder about other Premier League players who have names that belong in other sports.

JT158 says Flynn Downs as another rugbyman.

Yeah, quite a lot of shouts for him.

Yeah, I don't mind it.

But as with all these things, there's a vibe when you know it's right.

And I don't know, yeah, it's a bit too obvious.

That one.

This was a left field one.

Old Breakfast 2666 says Brett Ormerod for the All Blacks.

Great.

That's great.

Because I can only picture Brett Ormerod this sort of spindly.

Brett Ormorod.

Brett Ormerod.

Ollie Watkins could be a...

could play for the England rugby team.

Definitely.

I've got a little big list of these.

I've got Ollie Watkins down as a cricketer.

Okay.

Yeah.

Ollie's very cricket.

Yeah, he's like good kind of county player.

He's got four caps for England as a sort of traditional English conditioned seam bowler.

Would he be Oliver Watkins if he was a rugby player?

Yeah, maybe.

He could be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A crucial detail there.

He's not a spinner.

It absolutely has to be.

No, very much so.

Yeah, I might well reveal my methodology here, which was going to the FBL transfers page and starting with the goalkeepers.

Matt Sells and Burnt Leno both ooze Formula One to me.

Yeah, Burnt Leno.

On a similar vibe, I had Bart Verbruggin as an F1 guy.

I do like that.

I had him in my list as a swimmer, and then I took him out because I thought Mark Flecken was more swimmy.

Yes, that's correct.

Yeah.

200-metre butterfly, Mark Flecken.

Alison Becker, Dave, is a skier.

Okay.

She's the new Lindsay Vaughan.

Yeah, okay, nice.

I had Alison Becker down as a German heptathlete.

Cheap last, but I'm really enjoying it.

Josko Gavardiol, pure NBA.

Yeah, okay.

Martin Dubravka, Mark Kukurella, and Milos Kirkes are all Wimbledon qualifiers and cause a first-round upset against someone who's supposed to be, you know, in competition for the title.

Yeah, we need Charlie here really to adjudicate on that one.

I'm sure he'd find somebody to take issue issue with.

Yeah, I don't know about that actually.

There was actually a player in the 80s,

Mark Cucurella.

I had a couple of couple of Jacks, Jack Taylor and Jack Harrison, as like the English player who wins like the Wimbledon Boys Championship.

And a lot is thought of and then they just completely disappear.

Yeah.

Either that or they're playing an English tennis player in a film.

But yeah.

Davis Cup sort of make up the numbers, merchants.

Slightly higher up the tennis food chain, maybe top 100 in the ATP rankings.

Thomas Suchek, a perennial Grand Slam bridesmaid.

Yeah, struggled with injuries, though, so never quite fulfilled his potential, but did win one.

Did a serving check.

Did win an Australian Open once.

We probably should have won a few more.

Cole Palmer, golf.

But I can't work out which team he's playing for in the Ryder Cup.

I think he's on the live tour.

It's good fun, this.

We could go all day.

Yeah, we really, really could.

Instantly went to the US MNT page of this one.

Apparently, they've got a player called Walker Zimmerman, who is a...

That's a golfer if I've ever heard of it.

That is, that is a golfer.

Walker Zimmerman III, I'd hope.

Yeah.

Oh, tremendous.

Yeah, real end of season feel on the Public Glitches podcast.

I had Maxen's Lacroix as a cyclist.

Oh, okay.

I didn't know what to do with Lacroix.

I like it.

Yeah.

Track or road?

Rhodes.

Tour de France.

A few more rugby players.

Swansea defender Harry Darling.

Oh.

That's rugby.

Yeah, you're right.

Because I think I looking at at the Reddit replies to this, and a lot of people instantly go for the double-barreled names as if

they go for the obvious sort of what they think is like, oh, double-barreled posh boys playing rugby.

But if you look at the current England rugby union team, I think there's only three or four double barrels.

It's not completely overrun with them.

There's more, I think it works better with like a George, a Harry, a Tom, a short one-syllable first name, and then then a two-syllable second name.

So I think Will Smallbone is perfect.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good.

That's really good.

Yeah, he's very front row, actually, Will Smallbone.

Harry Darling, though, crucially, will be the one player in this card who sticks to Movember religiously every year.

Absolutely.

Movember stalwart.

Dwight McNeil doesn't sound like a footballer's name, but I can't place...

what sport he should be playing.

Baseball?

Mate, no, I don't.

Dwight's not very baseball.

I wonder about basketball.

Dwight is more basketball.

NASCAR?

No, that's not bad.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a lovely little flourish to end on.

Bit of NASCAR.

I'm all for that.

Definitely not Formula One.

Absolutely NASCAR.

And with that, we'll take a short break.

See you in a minute.

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Oh, look at that!

That is wonderful!

Right, next up, Aiden Smith writes in.

He says, I enjoyed the mates vs.

Fellas Five Aside chat last week.

On the theme of not knowing people's names in playing Five Aside, I'm living in Gibraltar for my sins.

And a friend of mine traveled over the border to Spain.

That's quite funny in its own right.

For a game one night recently, he was slightly lost, not knowing any names and speaking no Spanish.

At the end of the game, our other friend, who is Spanish, came up to him and said, you played well, mate, but why did you keep shouting see?

C.

Had never considered until this point that yes wouldn't be the universal way of asking for the ball, apparently not in Spain.

I mean we established last week dad that I'm such a yes merchant when it comes to Fiverside.

I think it ticks all the functional boxes, but I didn't think it wouldn't work in other languages.

More sophisticated, aren't they?

All you need to know is let them know you're there.

Having said that, I wouldn't go for a game in Paris and say we, we.

I just, I don't know, just feel like it has the same urgency.

Yeah, what do they use, though?

That's the that's the question.

There has to be something, there's got to be some sort of shorthand thing, unless they are saying, what's mates and fellas in Spanish?

They're just going to be running around saying amigos.

I don't think they are.

Going over the border to play a fellow side game, that's class.

Right.

Final note for my listeners comes from Harrance, Dave.

He says, referring to the UEFA Conference League as the conference is irresponsible, lazy journalism and sure to denigrate a competition already struggling for legitimacy.

Are we in danger of just calling it the conference from now on?

I mean, you know, the original conference doesn't exist anymore, so I think we're all right.

We've got a free run at this.

Yeah, because you do, you call the Europa League the Europa.

That's

increasingly common.

So, yeah, they'll be in the Europa.

And then, you know, Brighton, if they finish eighth, they'll be in the conference.

It's natural.

It's bound to happen, Nick.

This is going to catch on.

The conference.

And

when was the conference, the old conference, changed to the National League?

It's quite a while ago, wasn't it?

10 years, at least.

At least 10 years, yeah.

So, you know, I think there's enough air between them.

Agreed.

I agree.

Anyway, it's time for Keys and Grey Corner.

Just a couple of tiny matters for you.

Richard Keyes has been trailing his one big transfer scoop of the summer for about a week now.

It's all academic because Manchester United lost the Europa League final, so he's decided to reveal all anyway.

Had a whisper on Grealish.

Did you?

Go on.

It might be affected by the fact that Manchester United have lost

the Europa League final, but I was told that had United won it and therefore qualified to play in the Champions League, he would be signing for them this summer.

Okay, I see that.

He lives up there.

Andy Gray's logic there is superb.

He lives up there.

Yeah, he does.

It's true.

It's a massive consideration 2025.

Could sign for Salford City, could sign for

Berry, Oldham.

If Oldham win the National League, the conference playoff final next weekend, there you go, Jack.

Get in there.

Poor old Keesy Nick, his transfer scoop just not quite coming to fruition, but he's in the know, and that's the main thing.

He wants us to know that.

It does feel like, I don't want to be sceptical about this.

It does feel like quite an easy get out.

Well, if they would have won the Europa League, then it would have, it definitely would have happened, and I would have been right, but they didn't.

So, yeah.

Um, they go on to suggest that Greash would be a good signing for Everton, Dave.

Um, and Keesy just instinctively comes out with the reasoning: they love a 10.

They love a 10.

Do they?

Do they?

Everton loved number nine.

Surely, they're the ultimate lover number nine club.

They love a 10.

Everton notable Everton number tens?

James Rodriguez.

Look how that turned out.

Right.

Second of all, this is Keys and Gray doing what they do best, looking at their massive screen in the BN Sports Studios with a list of things on it and then just talking about it.

What are your thoughts on that?

These are our six Champions League qualifiers.

It's

for me.

Obviously, I grew up with the European Cup, but I can't get my head around this.

Six English sides.

Six.

And we call it the Champions League.

Come on.

Yeah,

it's a super league, isn't it?

An all button name.

Do you like that?

Do you like it?

Sex.

I'm uncomfortable.

Yeah.

It doesn't.

No, but it's the era we live in, Andy.

No, no.

It could have been seven.

We should be thankful for that.

Could this be

four?

What a tipping point that would have been.

But Dave, you know, in the grand scheme of sailed ships, lamenting multiple english teams being in the champions league is is right up there i'm sorry lads it's not a 1992 anymore yeah i know come on yeah and maybe six is too many as always nick there is a kernel of of of logic a debate in what they're saying is six teams too many could have been seven could have been seven and their heads would have simply seven would have been too many fair play it was just

it was particularly the use of the and they call it the champions league yeah

as soon as keesy said it's a super league I knew Andy Gray was going to say, in all but nim, in all but nim.

Bit raw for you, probably still, though, Nick, isn't it?

This one?

I'm talking myself round.

Someone pointed out that one of the qualifiers, other qualifiers for the conference league, the conference, sorry, is a Portuguese side from the Azores.

So that

I'm talking myself around to it now.

Is Daniel Story doing the doing all the way for conference league?

Yeah.

I look forward to that.

Right.

Thanks to you, Nick Miller.

Thank you.

Thanks to you, Dave Walker.

Thank you.

Thanks to everyone for listening.

We'll be back on Thursday with some guests for Mezza Harlan Dicks.

See you then.