Five football clubs in 10 seconds, Ekitike's non-haunting & prime minister Martin Keown

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Speaker 14 I'm sorry, you can sit there and look and play with all your silly machines as much as you like.

Speaker 15 Is Gascoigne going to have a crack?

Speaker 16 He is, you know. Oh, I say!

Speaker 16 Brilliant!

Speaker 16 But geez! He's round the goalkeeper! He's done it!

Speaker 16 Absolutely incredible! He launched himself six feet into the crowd and Kung Fu kicked a supporter who was eye whip without a shadow of a doubt getting him lip. Oh, I say,

Speaker 16 it's amazing!

Speaker 8 He does it tame, and tame, and tame again.

Speaker 17 Break up the music! Charge a glass!

Speaker 17 This nation is going to dance all night!

Speaker 18 Incredibly niche Peter Drury criticism. Five live presenters synchronizing themselves with the sports report theme tune.
A never before attempted example of the X of Sport Y hyperbole.

Speaker 18 Clinton Morrison sets a quickfire new record. Jonathan Pierce enjoying himself in Europe.

Speaker 20 Football's worst hauntings.

Speaker 18 One of the swift, a tantalizing question about football boots, Martin Keown for Prime Minister, what constitutes the cavalry in football, and a comprehensive first-hand list of Richard Keyes' mates.

Speaker 18 Brought to your ears by Goal Hanger Podcasts.

Speaker 24 This is Football Clichés.

Speaker 29 Hello, everyone, and welcome to Football Cliches.

Speaker 18 I'm Adam Hurry.

Speaker 31 This is the adjudication panel.

Speaker 32 Joining me, first of all, is David Walker.

Speaker 28 Dave, you've hit the big 4-0.

Speaker 34 Congratulations, mate.

Speaker 35 Thanks very much. The last night out, if we can call it that, I think we can call it that, of my 30s was with you, with Charlie, and with the listeners in Glasgow at Oran Moor.

Speaker 35 And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Speaker 37 A tremendous venue, a lovely place.

Speaker 40 Just a great place to finish the tour. I want that to be our traditional tour ender from now on.

Speaker 39 Just a cracking place.

Speaker 37 And the fact we got to walk down the middle of the crowd at the end was a little egotistic, but still, still good fun.

Speaker 46 Big question for you, though, Dave, in football terms: are you showing any signs of slowing down?

Speaker 35 yes loads of them

Speaker 35 various sides of slowing down no more so the fact that Ribblesdale lost their 100% record in the league on Sunday yeah 1-0 defeat away at Barnes Athletic in a really tight game not a lot of chances not a lot of good chances anyway for either side.

Speaker 35 They scored an absolutely sort of classic Sunday league goal. Had a bit of everything.
So one of their defenders hoofed a loose ball up into the air, I think as high as I've ever seen a football go.

Speaker 35 Like it was, it went up vertically, so high, way higher than even like a normal goalkeeper would kick it out of their hands.

Speaker 35 It's like proper up and under, which is a horrible thing to try and deal with as a defender.

Speaker 35 And our defender sort of got something on it, and then our keeper came out and punched it, and in the process of being of punching it, kind of clattered into two players, and just there was just bodies on the floor.

Speaker 35 And then one of their players kind of clipped it in. Nice, like good effort.
There was basically no goalkeeper in the goal, but he just clipped it in from like 30 yards.

Speaker 35 So it was just completely like a freak incident, but ended with a bit of quality. So fair play.

Speaker 8 Coming across as like Arnie Slot here, bemoaning.

Speaker 56 Ball's in the air. Can't do anything with that.

Speaker 35 The reason we probably didn't win or get anything yesterday was because we are basically the set piece kings.

Speaker 35 We've got a massive striker up front, a couple of lads who can chuck it in, but who didn't fall for us yesterday.

Speaker 30 Alongside you on the adjudication panel is Nick Miller.

Speaker 29 How are you doing, Nick?

Speaker 7 I'm very well. Very well.

Speaker 30 So both of you have now had your teams managed by Sean Daish now.

Speaker 8 How does that feel?

Speaker 53 It was Daesh for like a year at Watford or something?

Speaker 35 We had the... Daish for his first job, yeah.
So we had him for a season in 2011-12. Feels like he's evolved.
Daishy with a capital D has become a thing now, hasn't it?

Speaker 53 Reserving judgment on what it's actually going to be like, but it has been very funny to hear him milking for all it's worth his deep emotional connection with Forrest, which is fair enough.

Speaker 53 He was, you know, he was a youth team player.

Speaker 53 I think he was quite disappointed that he never actually got to play for the first team.

Speaker 53 But on his coaching staff, he's got Ian Woan and Steve Stone, obviously, kind of you know, copper-bottomed forest legends.

Speaker 53 But he's also got a couple of lads, um, one called Tony Lachlan and one called Billy Mercer. And Tony Lachlan played, I think, twice for Forest and scored one goal.

Speaker 53 I've had heard more about that one goal in the last week than I have about pretty much anything else.

Speaker 35 One and two, don't knock it.

Speaker 53 But also, Billy Mercer is the goalkeeping coach. He joined Forest on Loan in the 90s and didn't play a game.
And Daishi's been hyping that up as well, which is good. Oh my god.
Yeah.

Speaker 53 He's doing the kind of what you do when you replace a hated manager by just kind of going, well, I'm basically everything that this guy wasn't without ever mentioning his name.

Speaker 53 So I understand it, but it has been pretty funny to hear him whooping all this up over the last week.

Speaker 8 God, you cut some of these guys open and they slightly bleed Nottingham Forest, don't they?

Speaker 49 Yeah. Exactly.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Yeah, nice little club for the pair of you. Maybe Charlie will join you one day.

Speaker 10 You never know.

Speaker 46 Right, let's do the adjudication panel.

Speaker 27 Peter Drury, Nick.

Speaker 59 By now, I think it's safe to say that he's not everybody's cup of tea.

Speaker 27 I've always liked Drury, appreciate his word smithery, and all that sort of stuff.

Speaker 46 Here's some niche Peter Jury criticism for you.

Speaker 41 It came from Jungle Gatsby on Reddit.

Speaker 60 The Spurs game, he says, was the second time this season I've heard Peter Drury romanticising a player's performance in Monte Carlo after they've played away at Monaco.

Speaker 26 It annoys me as the AS Monaco Stadium is actually in the Font Vier district.

Speaker 53 This is good. This is real kind of Manchester United aren't actually in Manchester kind of territory, isn't it? Technically the Altravers in Salford kind of thing.

Speaker 46 Drury's never gonna live this down, is he, Dave?

Speaker 35 Well, this is not the same as the recent thing we had with Darren Fletcher and the Copacabana being a three-hour plane ride away. I've been to Monaco and it's there.

Speaker 54 You can see it.

Speaker 35 You can see the stadium from the harbour.

Speaker 29 I really hope that Drury is politely informed about this and has to correct himself on a future broadcast.

Speaker 23 Let's stick with Everton Spurs for a minute.

Speaker 30 Martian Grave writes in and says, Some plonker on Talk Sport has just said he thinks Jack Grillish will take the game by the scruff of the horns.

Speaker 48 That's so phoning.

Speaker 29 It's unbelievable. Oh, right.

Speaker 35 This is a caller. Okay.
I thought this was maybe, you know, a pundit or something.

Speaker 19 I don't know why I've assumed caller here.

Speaker 23 I mean, it is talk sport.

Speaker 10 It could be the O'Hara's of this world. But yeah, scruff of the horns.

Speaker 29 That's great, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Don't hear nice.

Speaker 53 You don't hear plonker enough these days, do you?

Speaker 50 That's a good one.

Speaker 10 It's just right for this sort of thing.

Speaker 66 Just damning enough. This is superb.

Speaker 31 It came from George Garrett.

Speaker 46 This is five live Steve Crossman gradually synchronizing himself with the sports report tune.

Speaker 10 It's almost imperceptible the moment it starts happening.

Speaker 67 One day into administration, Sheffield Wednesday lose at home to Oxford United. League One leaders Cardiff City lose at Bolton but stay top.

Speaker 67 The League Two leaders Wilson also lose, but they are still on top of the pile on goal difference from Swindon.

Speaker 19 Absolute class.

Speaker 68 That is

Speaker 53 lovely stuff.

Speaker 33 Dave, it's the way that it starts off unsynchronized and completely regular and then then slides into sync and then slides back out again.

Speaker 46 I suppose if you work on Five Live enough at the weekends, that's just going to happen.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 35 Yeah, do you just find yourself doing that? Does it sort of subconsciously make yourself kind of slip into that rhythm?

Speaker 35 The sports report thing is just something that I've never I never listened to it as as a youngster, so it's not something that I'm just sort of intrinsically familiar with.

Speaker 58 So I don't know, like, has this happened? Does this happen?

Speaker 35 Over the years?

Speaker 69 It would make sense for it to have happened, Nick, because it's one of those tunes.

Speaker 32 It has its regular intonations, doesn't it?

Speaker 53 You could easily talk over it like that you know there's YouTube videos of people like doing trick shots like throwing a basketball into a hoop from like yeah with a cricket bat yeah or something like that you obviously see the the finished product of it but you you obviously they have tried this three million times before there's a possibility that he's been practicing this and he's the he he's he's managed

Speaker 53 and he's it's a high y rx trying to nail it on live a live broadcast but i i reckon that's what he's doing yeah if the camera was on you'd see him jumping around in the background finally with his mates going we've done it we've done it.

Speaker 30 Just a shame that Wolsell played a polysyllabic team, unfortunately.

Speaker 29 It would have been absolutely perfect if they'd got it right on the notes.

Speaker 70 This next one came from Lee Warner, Dave.

Speaker 69 It's hot on the heels of the emergence of the child chess prodigy dubbed the Messi of Chess. Jessie.

Speaker 25 Here is sidetracked with Annie Mac and Nick Grimshaw with the use of the icon X of Sport Y you'll never have heard before.

Speaker 72 Yakinzes, which is like the sumo master, who's like get to wear this very special white belt with sort of white looking lightning bolts hanging off the belt?

Speaker 73 And

Speaker 73 is a Yakinzi someone who's won all the competitions? Are they like the champion?

Speaker 19 Yeah, the George Best, if you will, of Sumo.

Speaker 72 And so at the fight on Saturday, there was...

Speaker 73 Sorry, just love that George Best is your reference for

Speaker 50 a very modern footballer. Very modern.

Speaker 74 Nick Grimshaw, football man, Dave.

Speaker 49 I mean, fair play.

Speaker 35 He's gone for George Best. He's pulled that out.
Maybe he's not quite familiar with just exactly what George Best was famous for.

Speaker 33 Yeah, Nick Grimshaw, did you pull out that snazzy Irish football reference to impress Annie Matcourt?

Speaker 20 Was it just that suddenly there?

Speaker 75 The George Best of Sumo?

Speaker 30 I mean that's what's one of the best combinations I've ever heard, Nick.

Speaker 53 I mean I don't know enough about sumo to apply the characteristics of it. Can you be a very talented but ultimately piss your career away type in sumo wrestling? I don't know.

Speaker 28 They drink a lot.

Speaker 70 Do they?

Speaker 32 All the kind of behind the scenes stories I read before the sumo event at Royal Abbott Hall suggests that they

Speaker 69 eat shitloads, as you'd expect, and then they round things off with like eight pints.

Speaker 53 Like snooker in in the 80s or something.

Speaker 4 Not so much a recreational thing, like it's part of their nutritional, to put it loosely, routine in their wubbit that they also like a drink.

Speaker 35 But they can handle more as well, can't they? I mean, they're so big that they can

Speaker 35 drink way more than

Speaker 35 the average man or woman.

Speaker 17 They'd be good on our tour, wouldn't they?

Speaker 49 Oh, yeah. Still going at 3 a.m.

Speaker 76 Absolutely.

Speaker 35 Happy hunting grounds with the sumo lads doing the J-League.

Speaker 42 Yocozuna, 1993.

Speaker 35 But the other part of it is: is there any room for flamboyance and sort of showmanship in sumo? I suppose there is. I mean, it's kind of ceremonial and there's a lot of showy elements to it.

Speaker 35 But in terms of the actual, you know, bread and butter of your sumoing, I guess it's pretty root one stuff, isn't it?

Speaker 31 There's no equivalent of George Best sitting on the ball.

Speaker 25 Let's move on.

Speaker 24 Johnny Strepfield writes in and says, Clinton Morrison here with a potential world record.

Speaker 26 Five football clubs uttered in the space of 10 seconds.

Speaker 79 Clinton, last one, I mean, you hope that the 12 points is kind of the short-term pain pain and there can be long-term game for the fans and the club moving forward.

Speaker 80 Listen, I had a

Speaker 80 year and a half at the football club, so I know a lot of people that still work at the football club. It's a huge football club.

Speaker 80 Listen, it's disappointing area in administration, but someone will buy the football club. It's a huge football club.

Speaker 46 But it's the perfect situation for this because it's X player for a club who have just been placed in administration and have some historical heft about them.

Speaker 52 This is the ultimate football club sort of situation, isn't it?

Speaker 46 So I'm not surprised.

Speaker 23 If anything, he could have squeezed a couple more in.

Speaker 26 There was a bit of a

Speaker 46 yeah it's ten seconds between the first one and the last one thing i think of when i hear stuff like this particularly when it's so squeezed in is do you not hear yourself surely you must be thinking oh i've said football club once too many times here yes you might be aware that you've repeated yourself it has such widely accepted heft in a statement to say football club we've established now that it really has extra gravitas to really ram home when you're talking about a grand old institution so i think the repetition it does kind of work here but

Speaker 46 in that sense, maybe too, too many, perhaps.

Speaker 53 Yeah,

Speaker 53 I do sympathize with on the kind of relatively rare occasions I'm asked to go on podcasts or radio and actually give sincere opinions about football.

Speaker 53 I enter a kind of mental fog that means that I just try and get out whatever words are kind of vaguely in the right part of my brain.

Speaker 53 Clinton Morrison has been doing this for a long time, so possibly he should have got over that by now. But yeah,

Speaker 53 it's a similar thing, I think.

Speaker 24 I can really sympathise with it.

Speaker 64 It's very much embedded in behind its speech.

Speaker 69 It's such a strange thing, though, isn't it?

Speaker 35 Like, you've established it as a football club. I mean, you didn't even need to establish it as a football club.
We know it's a football club, but fine.

Speaker 35 You know, you've said you've chopped a couple of football clubs in there. But at the end, if you just said, yeah, look, somebody will buy them.
Just speak normally. Somebody will buy them.

Speaker 3 We should rank for five.

Speaker 49 We should rank the five in order.

Speaker 56 And then feed it back to Clinton Morrison.

Speaker 48 Bit of feedback.

Speaker 19 This one and this one were okay.

Speaker 56 I liked it.

Speaker 66 Really, really good impact.

Speaker 4 But the other two weren't required.

Speaker 10 That's the sort of consultancy work work I would like.

Speaker 30 Love this as well.

Speaker 31 This came from Bacon Sandwich 99 on the Reddit.

Speaker 87 It's simply wonderful pronunciation of Juventus Goalkeeper from Jonathan Pierce.

Speaker 88 It's a decent turn into the box. Cuts it back, say.

Speaker 88 He's first big chance of the game. Good stop as well by Di Gregorio.

Speaker 74 The trajectory of the pronunciation is better than anything, Nick.

Speaker 13 He loves these European knights.

Speaker 65 He really embraces the opportunity, doesn't he?

Speaker 53 If it was anyone else, I'd think that they'd been playing Mario Kart shortly before watching the game.

Speaker 53 That's really good stuff.

Speaker 35 stuff no he's really enjoyed that hasn't he dave that's really good yeah you're right actually jonathan pierce does have a bit sort of mario kart energy about him imagine him being being wario

Speaker 35 you know robot wars it's

Speaker 48 you know

Speaker 35 it all sort of works i would like to know if anyone watched this whole broadcast did he keep this up did he just chuck one in there just just to spice things up or was it consistent hope so hope so especially for you know for some of the spanish names as well i wonder if he was uh even-handed with it all next one comes from craig mcnulty staying in the champions League, Nick.

Speaker 75 He says that YouTube notified me that Hugo Ekatike haunted Eintracht Frankfurt.

Speaker 46 I immediately objected to this and thought of a few reasons why this is a particularly ineffective haunting.

Speaker 46 One, he was sold quickly for around four to five times his purchase price, providing the seller plenty of resources to fortify against a future haunting.

Speaker 46 Two, he didn't move, having been hard done by, being underappreciated or having unfinished business at his old club.

Speaker 89 He came, he excelled, he moved on.

Speaker 45 Three, his celebration was muted, clearly having enough affection for his old stomping ground to try not to spook anyone.

Speaker 31 Four, on the other hand, he could easily haunt PSG, where he struggled to establish himself and was sold at a discount.

Speaker 70 Given these criteria, and it might be beyond my pay grade, what's the worst haunting of all time?

Speaker 5 This is comprehensive and a great finish as well.

Speaker 53 I'll tell you what would be a good haunting would be if Paul Pogba scored against Manchester United.

Speaker 52 That would be a good haunting.

Speaker 53 He left for not much. They then bought him back for Christ knows how much.
He then left again on a free. He comes back and scores a kind of crucial goal against them.

Speaker 35 I think coming back for like the big high-profile transfer sort of negates the haunting.

Speaker 35 If he'd never come back and he'd left as a youth player, and a haunting needs to be, it was right for him to leave. It all fizzled out.

Speaker 28 They didn't kill him unfairly.

Speaker 51 Yeah, I see what you mean.

Speaker 84 About mid-table hauntings, De Bruyne and Salah scoring at Stamford Bridge against Chelsea.

Speaker 27 I mean, those are hauntings, right?

Speaker 92 Tick most of the boxes. But the case for the prosecution here, Dave, is just, I love the point-by-point takedown of this haunting, especially the PSG angle.

Speaker 48 This is spot on.

Speaker 35 Yeah, I don't think this doesn't fit the criteria for haunting yet, but it's such a shame. But the PSG one is good.

Speaker 54 Really good.

Speaker 23 I mean, you almost forget that he was there, because it's such a weird chapter in his already short career.

Speaker 53 Tell you what's quite a good haunting is Kingsley Coleman scoring the winner in the Champions League final against PSG for Bayern.

Speaker 67 Does the haunting not need to take place at your previous club's home?

Speaker 45 Because you're going to their house to haunt them in their house.

Speaker 17 But then, of course, you could go and stay at a haunted house, couldn't you?

Speaker 23 That's more traditional.

Speaker 17 It's to go and stay at a neutral haunted venue.

Speaker 53 It was in an empty stadium, so that's quite spooky, isn't it?

Speaker 65 Oh, okay, ghostly.

Speaker 3 Behind closed doors, haunted. Yeah, very nice.

Speaker 30 Oh, well, this is the best haunting chat we've ever had by a mile.

Speaker 35 With hauntings and ghost stories, it's not that the soul of the person is still there. It's unfinished business, is what it is.

Speaker 56 Yeah, they are basically coming back to right a wrong, right?

Speaker 52 Like a dead kid in a film or something like that coming back to haunt them because

Speaker 4 exactly.

Speaker 29 They were jettisoned too early.

Speaker 31 this is great you've got to allow little dave off the leash on his 40th right this one comes from michael luff he says i think this might be the quickest ever commentator's curse even if it was a positive jinxing it's celtic versus sturm graats on five live pat bonner on cocons good feed from calam mcgregor lays it off to donovan brilliant ball negrin and it's saved by the goalkeeper another

Speaker 94 golden opportunity for benjamin negrin and vignetti i don't think the ball's ever going to go in the net for them now it's donovan as a quick corner side finances

Speaker 94 Skills. Liam Scale scores for Celtic.

Speaker 30 Setting aside briefly, Nick, the commentator's curse elements here, it's the fact that they took the corner quickly.

Speaker 44 It's completely stitched him up.

Speaker 29 It's just so, so good.

Speaker 53 What I also liked was him kind of cutting across the commentator saying yes, and then I think he said the name of the scorer as well.

Speaker 58 Yeah, Liam Scales.

Speaker 53 Yeah, as if he was almost trying to kind of cover up the curse.

Speaker 46 Take ownership of the situation, basically, Dave, wasn't he?

Speaker 17 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 49 Oh, yeah, yeah. He's desperate.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 29 In In Pat Bonner's defence, he did revisit in the ensuing seconds to say, Well, you know, who cares what I say, etc., etc.

Speaker 35 But I mean, if you go there, though, if you say, I don't think they're ever going to score when they're about to take a corner, I mean, you're leaving yourself open for it, are you a little bit right?

Speaker 30 This one came from GFC Stats, the number one compiler of statistics for Guernsey FC's men's and women's teams.

Speaker 31 Here is some co-commentary from the men's teams: 3-2 reverse at home to Horsham at the weekend.

Speaker 95 It's not for lack of trying. I think Guernsey FC players, they've all worked extremely hard, they've all tried to throw the kitchen door at them.

Speaker 18 The first question here, Dave, is: is throwing the kitchen door at the opposition more or less of an effort, concerted attacking effort, than throwing the kitchen sink?

Speaker 20 More desperate, if anything.

Speaker 35 Harder to throw a door, and you've had to take it off its hinges. But then I suppose you'd had to dislodge a sink from its fittings as well.

Speaker 10 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 30 But if you pick an average metal sink, doesn't have much underneath it, it's surprisingly light, you could chuck it over your head.

Speaker 35 If you've got a big porcelain one, though, that's heavy.

Speaker 30 Fair play if you do.

Speaker 66 Throwing

Speaker 69 the kitchen door at them.

Speaker 35 Not all kitchens have doors.

Speaker 10 I'm in the process of placing my kitchen doors at the moment, so I might have one to chuck if necessary.

Speaker 45 Is that the peak of literally Dave?

Speaker 53 Maybe not.

Speaker 35 Yeah, you find me a kitchen without a sink, though.

Speaker 17 Right, I want to end part one with this.

Speaker 46 This is from Celebrity Traitors.

Speaker 52 It came from I Am Nobody on Reddit.

Speaker 82 He says, Mark Bonner cosplaying as the beleaguered manager on the brink.

Speaker 46 Four straight losses, vultures circling, facing the press with a weary defiance, defending his tactics and pleading to the fans and the board that he's still still the right man for the job because he's here to win games playing the right way.

Speaker 6 Mark, please now plead your case.

Speaker 53 I love this game.

Speaker 97 I don't think there was ever anything wrong with pointing out that I never wanted to be a traitor. I don't think there was anything wrong with being frustrated that we got a fourth faithful in a row.

Speaker 97 I play this game with all my heart. What you see is what you get.
I'm not putting on an act. I came here, yes, to win, but to win as a faithful.
And that's what I am.

Speaker 27 Nick, from all I know about managerial press conferences these days, he is definitely getting sacked within the next 48 hours.

Speaker 98 And they're bringing someone else in straight away.

Speaker 53 It's pretty surprising that it hasn't been a kind of an anging, a sacking before he even gets to the press conference at that point.

Speaker 53 All that was missing from that was him kind of slapping his hands on the table and then getting up and walking out of the press conference.

Speaker 19 That was really, really good.

Speaker 46 If anything, Dave, this is probably a bit too plea-y.

Speaker 82 It maybe needs to be a bit more combative as well, taking on the press a bit more. No managers really go full near culprit, do they?

Speaker 35 That's also got the same sort of energy as a manager who confronts the fans, sort of apologises to the fans at the end of the game in the stands.

Speaker 35 Which I suppose you can't really do in the Traitors, can you? By the way, this is terrible news for me. We haven't seen any of the Traitors so far because of the tour and being away and stuff.
So we

Speaker 35 watched the first three episodes last night. I think I just about got away with it there.
There's a couple of faces that I'm not seeing around the round table on that clip that have uh oh no.

Speaker 42 Okay, yeah, it might be worse for you then.

Speaker 98 I really like this guy that's sort of generally Nick Mark Bonner.

Speaker 44 I like everything he's in.

Speaker 38 I like all the characters he plays.

Speaker 41 Not only does he share his name with an actual football manager, Mark Bonner, Cambridge United Gillingham, but I also guarantee he's going to play a football manager in a TV drama at some point.

Speaker 17 Like,

Speaker 89 not a prominent role.

Speaker 23 He'll just be an incidental Scottish football manager giving out a bollocking at halftime to the main character.

Speaker 53 He has the look of one of those guys who's managed, who's done the rounds of those kind of second tier. He's managed Kilmarnock, he's managed Falkirk.

Speaker 53 He had a brief spell at Hibbs that didn't go brilliantly.

Speaker 35 There are two possible roles for him in relation to football. I don't actually see him playing a manager.
I could see him being a number two. I could see him being an assistant.

Speaker 35 If we ever get a Scottish equivalent to Saipan and we need a Scottish coach or assistant, I could see him being

Speaker 34 the good or bad cop to the equivalent number one.

Speaker 35 Or I could see him being... He's turned up in a lot of sort of mid-level sort of dramas where there's a bit of shady authority for him.

Speaker 35 Yeah, or I could see him like being the coach of like a kid's team.

Speaker 35 And the kid, and that's just sort of incidental to it, but there's some like he gets confronted by another one of the parents and there's something like an affair going on really bad or something.

Speaker 35 Yeah, yeah. I think he does, he often does play normal blokes who are actually, you know, have gone bad.

Speaker 23 Oh, I know what you mean.

Speaker 98 There's definitely an unhinged side to Mark Bonner.

Speaker 37 A Mark Bonner MHD, that's what I'd like.

Speaker 51 Is he a football man?

Speaker 62 Let's find out one day.

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Speaker 71 Oh, look at that!

Speaker 71 That is wonderful!

Speaker 85 Welcome back to Football Cliches, a cracking adjudication panel.

Speaker 41 So far, I'm really enjoying it.

Speaker 89 A reminder that you can sign up for Dreamland for just $5.99 a month.

Speaker 77 Episode 9 is out.

Speaker 89 We talked at all things Monday Night Football, and we're recording episode 10 this week as well.

Speaker 89 Just go to dreamland.football clichés.com and you'll get ad-free listening of all of our episodes, plus two episodes a month of Dreamland, our exclusive show, plus other things as well.

Speaker 89 A reminder as well that you can get in touch with the pod in all sorts of ways.

Speaker 77 You can reach me on Twitter, Blue Sky, or Instagram, or you can email the pod at football cliches at gmail.com.

Speaker 93 Because what I need in my life is more correspondence to this podcast.

Speaker 82 I can't get enough of it.

Speaker 38 So keep it coming.

Speaker 74 Now, this is superb.

Speaker 77 I went into this BBC News story, Nick, with some trepidation because I thought it might have a dark underbelly.

Speaker 84 But no, a teacher from the Wirral has been sacked after lying about having a football career before becoming a teacher.

Speaker 43 So there are no safeguarding issues here, really.

Speaker 41 It's more of a trust issue. Aaron Smith, 44, has been found guilty of unacceptable professional conduct from the Teaching Regulation Agency.

Speaker 46 He told children at this primary school that he'd played for Leicester City from June 2000 to December 2001 and West Brom before that.

Speaker 46 He also said he'd represented the England schoolboys under 15s level.

Speaker 74 Now at this stage, Nick, I thought, is this sackable?

Speaker 83 Like, is this bad?

Speaker 74 But this is the lengths he went to at assembly.

Speaker 43 He presented a falsified team sheet, inserting his name in a list of England youth team footballers and or Leicester youth team.

Speaker 46 He also showed students a doctored photo to make it look like he had played for Leicester City, the panel heard.

Speaker 48 Wow. That's it.

Speaker 95 What's the thinking there, mate?

Speaker 48 Clout.

Speaker 53 There is always the... He's told a lie.
And then he has to tell more lies to cover up the initial lie. And sooner or later, he's photoshopping a fucking picture to put his own face in.

Speaker 35 But my God. He was a PE teacher, right? So I guess he's like beefing up his credentials.
Like, yeah, I used to be a pro.

Speaker 74 Who are you to tell me you've never played the game?

Speaker 53 Says Ryan, age nine.

Speaker 70 The next week it turns out you played badminton for England.

Speaker 13 Oh, did you? Yeah, we're doing badminton this week.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 58 I'm a cornfall champion, actually.

Speaker 35 Yeah, I spent a bit of time in the Netherlands when I was a kid.

Speaker 95 Such a weird thing.

Speaker 35 This is like real life Carol Prince situation, isn't it? Yeah. Proper consequences.

Speaker 30 Nick, you sort of suggested how this might have unravelled.

Speaker 25 And obviously, presumably it just began with, oh, are you any good?

Speaker 13 Did you use the play?

Speaker 20 Oh, Playboy. I played.

Speaker 59 But the end result of this, the school began an investigation after a pupil and his father were unable to find any information online about Mr.

Speaker 25 Smith's football career.

Speaker 65 He didn't set up a Wikipedia page for himself.

Speaker 53 He's fucked it. Just do the classic

Speaker 53 trials and then, you know, the knee.

Speaker 35 Maybe he did set up a Wikipedia page, but then he wouldn't have been on Transfer Marked. You know? Yeah.
It wouldn't have cross-referenced, would it?

Speaker 46 Yeah, the kids these days, they know where to go.

Speaker 39 He's not on who scored for a start, which doesn't go back to 2000, so that's probably why.

Speaker 91 Interesting twist on this, my PE teacher at school claimed he played for West Brom as a kid, just like this guy.

Speaker 46 Weirdly, you know, 25 years later, I was pushing my kid in a pushchair.

Speaker 83 I was walking past a school at kickout time, and there this guy was, stood outside the school, miles away from where I grew up.

Speaker 83 And and i was like hang on a minute are you mr pedel he said yeah mr pigton i thought you were dead

Speaker 59 i am even right in this situation so he was now the head teacher of this school so i thought oh yeah i've completely forgot about him got home and i thought hang on i remember him saying he used to play for west brom i googled it and um he was a west brom youth player and he was one of the first cases of suing a fellow professional in a civil court for breaking his leg and ending his career.

Speaker 63 So I think it was in training for West Brom.

Speaker 77 So his promising career was ended.

Speaker 34 That's proof.

Speaker 51 He definitely did.

Speaker 43 I can't get him sacked 25 years later.

Speaker 39 What a story.

Speaker 82 And nobody crucially harmed in any way, which is the best thing.

Speaker 89 Right, fascinating question on the Reddit.

Speaker 63 It cites a post in the subreddit Shower Thoughts, which says: if the Queen wore a pair of shoes once and sold them, they would gain value.

Speaker 84 If a random dude wore a pair of shoes once and sold them, they would lose value.

Speaker 46 But somewhere in between the Queen and the random dude is an equilibrium celebrity who could sell the shoes for the retail price.

Speaker 49 So, on our Reddit, they said, what is the football sort of equivalent of this?

Speaker 75 What's the sweet spot in football?

Speaker 83 What a fascinating question.

Speaker 92 What level of footballer could sell their match-worn boots for the exact retail price of the boots themselves?

Speaker 62 So, we've got to factor in here, Dave, is the fact that the boots would naturally lose value,

Speaker 13 but their stardom would push it back up to the RRP of the boots.

Speaker 26 No further.

Speaker 35 Are we factoring in inflation here or not?

Speaker 52 Okay, so let's say a 10-year career.

Speaker 30 How much inflation are we talking?

Speaker 44 A couple of quid either way, what 10 quid either way?

Speaker 35 The match-worn label does sort of instantly attract a premium, doesn't it?

Speaker 35 You go on classic football shirts, and they're whatever club you want or whatever country you want, there'll be a match-worn something.

Speaker 35 For England, for example, there'll be like a match-worn Gazza, which will be like the pre-you know, thousands you might be paying for.

Speaker 53 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 35 But then there might be a match-worn Andy Hitchcliffe. But see, that's rare, though, isn't it? So, like a match-worn like middle.
What we're looking for here is the middle.

Speaker 35 We're like, like somebody who's just had i don't know match worn jermaine genus

Speaker 59 that's that's mad that is absolutely you read my mind that's so because my mind i was going did he play enough times for it to be rare wow should we start here then jermaine genus boots for in an england game or just in his general career we i suppose we do have to factor in the uh the recent situation might have knocked a few quid off the price yeah

Speaker 24 he's cashing in it also strikes me nick as someone who might have a like a massive collection of boots that he wore in his career like a big room full of boots like John Terry's absurd room of trophies, the one that spins around.

Speaker 53 You're pointing forward, Jermaine Genesis as the equilibrium here.

Speaker 68 I think that's too high.

Speaker 53 Hundreds of Premier League appearances for Newcastle Tottenham.

Speaker 53 I think that's too high.

Speaker 52 Let's delve into the comments on the Reddit.

Speaker 60 Working option, Dave, says Lee Boyer, boots worn for Charlton versus Bolton when an unused sub, lose value.

Speaker 60 Lee Boyer, boots worn for leads against Manchester United when he went elbowed in the head by Sir David Beckham, gain value.

Speaker 74 So we've just got to find the Boyer sweet spot between those two teams.

Speaker 35 But again, I think the fact that it's a notable game, that would just put a premium on it. You want just Lee Bowyer.
Where's Charlie when you need him?

Speaker 35 But Lee Boyer when he just scored in a random game in the 2003, four season or whatever.

Speaker 46 Now let's get into some fact-based evidence here, Dave.

Speaker 93 Ray Parla's Perm says, I once got a pair of boots Chris Gunter had worn twice for 80 quid.

Speaker 74 And this is basically it, isn't it?

Speaker 35 Nice. I wonder where do they buy those?

Speaker 35 Is this off the back of a lorry? Is this from Chris Gunter himself at a charity auction or something?

Speaker 53 I costed him outside the games.

Speaker 53 How much for them, Chris?

Speaker 48 80 quid. All right, fine.

Speaker 30 Yeah, no VAT to pay if you do it in cash.

Speaker 47 Someone else says, I used to follow Benoit Asu Okoto on Deepop.

Speaker 30 He'd sell all his old trainers on there, size eight, wee lad.

Speaker 17 So speaking from experience, Benoit Asu Okoto.

Speaker 35 I thought he was going to say he just used to sell all of his stuff for nothing. He didn't really care about football.
To him, it was just, you know, to him, it was just uniform.

Speaker 44 We're slipping in the wrong direction here, Nick.

Speaker 25 Proof Elk4383 says, I bought a pair of Stephen Fletcher's boots for 40 quid.

Speaker 56 They have Fletch 10 embroidered on them.

Speaker 56 Surely they've lost value there.

Speaker 53 That's a shame. There is another factor.
You have got to factor in a kind of local element to this as well. The one that I had in mind was Chris Cohen, right?

Speaker 53 Who, to most people, is a kind of moderate footballer who he never played above. the Premier League.
He's probably most notable now for being Nathan Jones' assistant at Southampton.

Speaker 53 But to me, he was a hero at Forest for, you know, for 10 years, basically. I would pay a lot of money for his boots, but the average punter, you're almost certainly going below retail there.

Speaker 53 Do we need to factor that in as well? Or do we need to, does it need to be averaged out? I don't know.

Speaker 43 I think we're closer to the average here.

Speaker 46 We've got Ashley Williams, Joby McEnough, and then the doggy vibing says, Dave, how big is Naki Wells?

Speaker 36 About there?

Speaker 44 Imagine someone bringing Naki Wells boots in on Antiques Roadshow.

Speaker 13 Oh, I believe these are a Naki Wells.

Speaker 5 Son Dico, which was a rare at the top level.

Speaker 58 It's so rare to see them in such good condition.

Speaker 5 You've really looked after them, haven't you?

Speaker 20 Yes, my father gave them to me, actually.

Speaker 9 And I couldn't bear to part with them, but I've never really thought how much they're worth.

Speaker 74 £75.

Speaker 53 I think we should just keep quiet for the rest of the episode and let Adam play out

Speaker 53 all these characters that he's voicing on his own.

Speaker 41 That's years of Antiques Roadshow watching coming in handy now.

Speaker 35 I've got a suggestion. Just trying to think in my mind, like, who is the sort of epitome epitome of a hard-working Premier League mainstay who has a bit of name value,

Speaker 35 but not for anything spectacular, just for sort of being there and playing for a workmanlike team? And I'm going for Tony Hibbert.

Speaker 38 Two Colts? Is he two colts?

Speaker 36 Is he two colts?

Speaker 35 Everton 0, Southampton 0, on the 19th of October 2003. Tony Hibbert's boots from that game.

Speaker 52 To follow Nick's principle, and Everton fans probably paying 200 quid for them. How much are you paying for novelty value?

Speaker 93 Probably about the price that they cost in 2003.

Speaker 46 So you're looking at 70, 80 pounds.

Speaker 35 They are going to be the premium price, aren't they, in Sports Direct? They're not going to be

Speaker 19 the pro-level boots, yeah.

Speaker 35 Yeah, but 80 quid for Tony Hibbert's boots from 2003 and a 0-0 against Southampton does feel a bit steep, actually, to me now.

Speaker 44 The importance you're placing on the game at which they were warning, as if that's going to make any difference.

Speaker 30 I mean, it's not Maradona 86, I get, but yeah, interesting.

Speaker 9 Fascinating debate, and I'm glad we had it.

Speaker 46 Back to regular business.

Speaker 25 This came from Pete Breeley.

Speaker 25 Here is the beleaguered Will Still, who has possibly been sacked by Southampton by the time this pod goes out, being interviewed by BBC Radio Solent after his side's 2-1 defeat to Blackburn.

Speaker 24 The interviewer does all the hard work here but instead of squaring it for an unmarked still, he goes for glory himself.

Speaker 100 It backfired, didn't turn into anything positive, so yeah, it's frustrating.

Speaker 101 Did it backfire, do you think, as much because Jack looked uncomfortable at times playing, closing down players and doing the midfield role, or because Leo wasn't there as an outlet, or both, a bit?

Speaker 100 Probably a bit of both, but but I think Jack's you know played there before

Speaker 42 what's happened here Dave has he has the interview just bottled it is he a cliché's listener and if he's worried about you know being pigeonholed uh but in the end a very unsatisfactory ending to the question the first ever both a bit

Speaker 53 both are both a bit it feels like a backtrack nick to me it almost feels like he has presented the two sides and then he but then he's belatedly realized what the actual phrase is so he's got both oh no hang on it's a bit of both isn't it both a bit

Speaker 29 both a bit We're still dealing with it manfully.

Speaker 70 Give him another, give him more time, I say.

Speaker 31 Speaking of managers changing jobs, Sean Deish's commercial deal with credit company Aqua.

Speaker 20 This was sealed just before he was appointed Nottingham Forest Manager, but he was hired as Aqua's credit gaffer.

Speaker 30 Here is him on an Instagram advert for them.

Speaker 102 Hi team, listen up. I'm going to go through what I've learned from managing and coaching some of the UK's biggest football teams, give you a game plan that could help you build your credit score.

Speaker 102 You're on the team sheet, more commonly known as the Electoral register. You can't play if you're not on the team sheet.
Lenders like to see if you're officially in the lineup.

Speaker 102 Experienced players, stick to the game plan. Don't chase every ball or overstretch yourself.
Just like with credit, only do your existing accounts well.

Speaker 5 Just a little snippet there, Nick.

Speaker 30 How well have they dovetailed credit chat into Football Speaker?

Speaker 53 It's all right. The electoral roll on the team sheet thing's quite good.

Speaker 53 There's a little glimpse of he's holding an iPad and there's a football pitch, the kind of tactics board thing on the iPad, which is a nice little touch. He's more wooden than I was expecting, really.

Speaker 53 I thought he'd be quite good at this kind of thing, because he's

Speaker 53 quite a sort of effusive speaker. I don't know.
You can never kind of predict how people react in these situations, but I was expecting a little bit more.

Speaker 35 I know what you mean.

Speaker 35 You could tell the bits that he's reading. It's a shame that he didn't get the gig for Capital Route 1, which would have been much more fitting for him.

Speaker 35 The advert here, so it depicts him actually on a football pitch and with footballers looking up at him in the dressing room sort of listening to his instructions well they've got it all wrong here haven't they like you're talking about you're making an analogy here between like keeping your doing the basics and you know getting your credit score up surely he should like be dressed as a football manager like with a whistle and a tactics board but like in the living room or something like in the in situations with people in real life yeah i could say that popping up incongruously out of nowhere yeah um yeah have adverts done that bit to death like the the dominoes are still doing it so yeah it's clearly a thing no i see what you mean you'll have more impact but in terms of Daish's acting skills, Dave, he's definitely got like a soap opera cameo in him at some point, because he was on Celebrity Go Dating.

Speaker 46 But I can't think which soap opera it would be that he would turn up for two minutes in.

Speaker 53 Punt in the Rovers?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 30 There's no East Midlands soap opera, is there?

Speaker 13 Emmerdale, is that closer?

Speaker 53 It was Crossroads in the Midlands, I can't remember.

Speaker 35 Doctors.

Speaker 49 Doctors. Doctors.

Speaker 46 Doctors is definitely East Midlands, isn't it?

Speaker 82 Yes.

Speaker 85 Sean Dice going in.

Speaker 23 It'll be a man going in and being brave about his problems and then showing everyone that even a big bloke like this, he thinks there's a problem, he's gone to got it checked straight away.

Speaker 35 Daish's like little break here that he's had. He's got the forest job probably quicker than he would have expected.

Speaker 35 I guess he would have been eyeing up a job at the start of this season, like in sacking season. He's really kind of made the most of his time out, hasn't he? Popped up everywhere.

Speaker 35 He's done all the podcasts. He's launched his own podcast, which I'm not even sure got launched before.
He's now got the job.

Speaker 53 Didn't come to air, that one.

Speaker 92 You can't just launch podcasts and then fuck off.

Speaker 48 How does that work? It's like Caroline Barker all over again.

Speaker 53 This has got all the hallmarks of a man who had his eye on the forest job. Nuno got sacked and he was kind of, oh, yeah, maybe, maybe.

Speaker 53 Then Ange got the job and he thought, all right, well, I can make plans for a little while now without

Speaker 53 factoring in Maranakis.

Speaker 82 How can a football man like that not realise that October, November is the prime time to clear your diary as an out-of-work Premier League manager?

Speaker 82 You know you're going to get called upon, especially if you are a firefighter, as I imagine he is now been classified.

Speaker 30 Next up, potentially, Dave, the successor to the tweet by Richard Keyes, quote tweeting a tribute video to Hulk Hogan with a completely different message about Declan Rice being sent off for two bookings for Arsenal against Brighton.

Speaker 89 It's a tweet from brainless Telegraph correspondent Alison Pearson.

Speaker 91 Good news, only another nine months of Starma as PM.

Speaker 46 He can't survive the historic humiliation of Labour being smashed in Wales. They may not get a single Sened seat.

Speaker 31 The question is: which of the numpties on the front front bench replaces him?

Speaker 25 Bereft of leaders?

Speaker 26 At Martin Keown 5.

Speaker 21 Is Keown the man we need? Is he the hero we need but don't deserve?

Speaker 50 Wow.

Speaker 35 Imagine Keown leading the Labour Party.

Speaker 23 That anxious, earnest energy at the dispatch box is not what this country needs, is it?

Speaker 53 It is quite starmer, actually. That kind of the earnestness, the kind of slightly wide-eyed, is that camera on kind of thing.

Speaker 62 Well, this country needs is is someone to sort out the NHS, I reckon.

Speaker 48 Yeah, that's what we need. Yeah,

Speaker 83 I think we all need to come together a little bit.

Speaker 86 Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 35 I mean, look, it might not even be an alternate universe, and we're probably not too many steps away from this actually being reality.

Speaker 35 But so, Simon Jordan has got in and he's the leader of the Tories. Keown's at the dispatch box for Labour, just going one at it.
Jim White's the speaker,

Speaker 50 order, torture, government.

Speaker 81 Enough, enough.

Speaker 37 But yeah, an absolutely absurd situation. No explanation of why Martin Kering was tagged in this tweet, nor was it deleted.

Speaker 27 So, um, yeah, yes, idiotic all round.

Speaker 92 Now, um, fascinating question from Matt Sharp.

Speaker 75 He says, What constitutes the cavalry?

Speaker 63 Is it players coming off the bench, or as I initially thought, a situation where player, usually a striker, is holding the ball up in their own, high up the pitch and is joined by a stream of midfielders all charging slash galloping forward to join him in support?

Speaker 89 This usually arises when striker X's team has just been defending a corner or something, so lots of their teammates are still back near their own goal.

Speaker 87 I don't really like this as a mid-game situation, Nick.

Speaker 89 If anything, when players are streaming forward, usually midfielders, with or without the ball, that's charge of the light brigade.

Speaker 59 Yeah, charge of the light brigade.

Speaker 85 Absolutely. Have I got here completely wrong?

Speaker 53 This is Sunderland's winner against Chelsea at the weekend, basically, isn't it?

Speaker 83 Yeah, did they have enough players forward for that? I suppose they did.

Speaker 84 You need a minimum of three for it to be charge of the light brigade.

Speaker 46 They all need to be running together in a relatively straight line. So

Speaker 82 the spectacle of them all running together.

Speaker 27 But on the cavalry, Dave, this is definitely... you've fielded a weakened team.

Speaker 45 It's not gone to plan.

Speaker 46 And you've summoned the A-listers from the bench all together.

Speaker 39 Usually a triple sub as well.

Speaker 35 It had to be at least a double sub, but ideally a triple sub.

Speaker 62 60th minute.

Speaker 46 And that is the cavalry.

Speaker 38 Here come the cavalry.

Speaker 35 Yes, bang on. Manchester United, I'm pretty sure, did this against Grimsby this season in the Cup.

Speaker 82 Yeah, a half-time they brought on Bruno Fernandez, Matei Stelicht, and Brian and Burmo for Tyler Frederickson, Manuel Agate, and Patrick Dorgu.

Speaker 27 So it's pure cavalry.

Speaker 62 The fact that these days, well, it has been for a while now, Dave, the ceremonial substitution act, even if it takes place at halftime, has to still happen at the start of the second half.

Speaker 93 So that still qualifies as cavalry.

Speaker 41 It doesn't matter if it's not in a break-in play.

Speaker 35 No, definitely, because you'd get a shot of the subs still doing their little mini warm-up on the touchline as the fourth official gets the board ready.

Speaker 35 And particularly if there's three of them, because that means if it's one, you can kind of get it done quickly. If there's three, then the other two are waiting for the first one to happen.

Speaker 35 And the commentator has a chance to mention it. Well, they're bringing on the cavalry here at the start of the second half.

Speaker 37 Yeah, it is the cavalry, definitely.

Speaker 51 But Nick, could you have a one-man cavalry?

Speaker 82 Like, could it be such an extreme situation where the team are in such shit and they've brought on Erling Haaland to sort it out in the second half?

Speaker 37 Is that the cavalry?

Speaker 53 Reluctant, but it does need to be a kind of Haaland-level player. That old line about Ronaldo Nazario being a herd, not a man.

Speaker 48 There you go.

Speaker 49 That's there we are.

Speaker 17 A one-man cavalry. I love it.

Speaker 35 Well, Haaland is the sort of bloke that you could see depicted as half-man, half-horse in sort of Greek mythology.

Speaker 35 He's got that stature, isn't he?

Speaker 82 Right.

Speaker 46 Jacob Murray writes in next Dave and says, I saw a stat that Harry Kane has 20 goals and it's not even November. What month can it be where you get to say it's not even X month and how many goals?

Speaker 86 Does Kane has 35 goals and it's not even March work?

Speaker 63 Cheers, lads.

Speaker 30 How late in the season could you go with the month for this?

Speaker 53 February? I think March is too late. I think February,

Speaker 53 there's a sliding scale up to February and then and then you get into the tail end of the season.

Speaker 82 So I think you're spot on. March onwards is basically business end.

Speaker 98 That's where you should be hitting those landmarks anyway, especially these days.

Speaker 27 So not even February is good because you're not even really clear of Christmas and January, really, are you?

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 35 One of the earliest examples of this I can remember was, I might get the name wrong here, you might have to look this up, but was it Marco Negri who

Speaker 10 scored

Speaker 35 20 really early early on in one season?

Speaker 53 Then he injured himself playing squash. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 24 Incredible end to an astonishing start to a career at somebody.

Speaker 53 He's got his eye.

Speaker 53 You got any eye injury?

Speaker 82 Sergio Perini hit him in the eye during a game of squash.

Speaker 35 But it's the sort of goal-scoring equivalent of a team going 5-0 up in the first half. You think, oh, my God, he's going to get 60 goals a season if he carries on at this rate.

Speaker 35 And seldom do they actually carry on at that rate. It usually tails off, right?

Speaker 31 Yeah, Haaland, for club and country, I should say, had 33 by the end of January 2023.

Speaker 52 So not even February could work there.

Speaker 30 So I think Nick's cut-off is spot-on, but it has to be a massive figure.

Speaker 35 You have muddied the water slightly with adding country, adding national goals into the total there.

Speaker 37 Yeah, well, I've got time to filter that out, but it's unfortunate.

Speaker 19 I don't like combining club and country.

Speaker 65 But, okay, so 30 and February is about as late as we could go, and it has to be a minimum of 30, right?

Speaker 31 Before Christmas, you're looking at still 20 then before Christmas.

Speaker 75 So, Kane's ahead of schedule here.

Speaker 92 Fascinating question.

Speaker 64 We've calibrated it, Jacob Murray.

Speaker 30 Jack Pierce writes in, this is from the BBC live blog during Coventry's comprehensive dispatching of Watford at the weekend, and Steve Agrizovich, the ex-Coventry City goalkeeper, was on radio saying, Watford looked like Real Madrid going forward and the dog and duck defensively.

Speaker 52 Jack Pierce says, why is dog and duck the go-to for pub team names?

Speaker 29 Are there any others?

Speaker 52 Also, are Real Madrid the go-to regardless of league form?

Speaker 32 On that second point, Dave, I think Brazil 1970 are the peak they looked like going forward.

Speaker 30 But how many dog and ducks actually are there?

Speaker 35 Well, I am surprised when a man of Steve Agrizovich's vintage didn't go for Brazil 1970 and he's he's gone for Real Madrid.

Speaker 85 Fair play. Have you ever drunken a dog and duck Dave?

Speaker 35 I think so. There's one in Soho that I've been in a few times.

Speaker 35 I always like if I ever walk past it I always do sort of think that why you call the dog and duck surely they only exist in these situations as sort of mythical fake football pub team names.

Speaker 32 Here's some data for you Nick pubnames.co.uk says there's 16 pubs in the UK called dog and duck only 16?

Speaker 58 16.

Speaker 5 You think there'd be more? Yeah yeah. Well yeah okay interesting.

Speaker 32 Yeah mostly southeast bay 10 or or eleven are in the southeast.

Speaker 30 Two in the Plymouth area.

Speaker 31 Diminishing returns the further north you go, so it's it's a southern thing, the dog and duck, which I guess tallies, maybe.

Speaker 35 It has a quality to it that sort of really hammers home tin pot nature of Sunday League, doesn't it? The dog and duck.

Speaker 35 If you went for like a sort of regal adjacent pub name, the King George or the Prince Albert or something, you know, that's too generic. Be anywhere.

Speaker 53 Dog and duck, of course,

Speaker 53 that Carling advert, if Carling made Sunday league teams, was like the team that had like they were the dog and duck.

Speaker 53 They were playing the dog and duck because someone makes the joke, I'll mark the dog, you take the duck.

Speaker 76 Ah, pretty lovely.

Speaker 30 I mean, that's it. Yeah.

Speaker 39 Exactly. That's good.

Speaker 82 Wellingborough Town, by the way, nicknamed the Doughboys from the Northern Premier League.

Speaker 98 Their current ground is the Dog and Duck.

Speaker 35 Wow.

Speaker 35 Is that a sponsor? Have the Dog and Duck sponsored their arena?

Speaker 46 I don't know.

Speaker 51 So it must be a pub next to the ground, the Dog and Duck Ground.

Speaker 61 So there we go.

Speaker 89 Right, this last one comes from Sam Edwards on Sunderland's set-piece strategy against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge.

Speaker 37 And it was their equaliser came from a long throw.

Speaker 89 And Troy Deany says it's a really good goal from Sunderland, but it's worrying that they can't seem to defend long throws.

Speaker 61 It's the basics we learned from three or four years old.

Speaker 42 I mean, you hear this a lot, Nick, about, you know, you were taught this as a kid.

Speaker 45 I don't think you were taught to defend long throws at the age of four.

Speaker 53 No, or maybe it's the theory that it's an adult throwing it in.

Speaker 53 Just someone channeling Roy Delap and absolutely launching this ball at a bunch of four-year-olds.

Speaker 83 Yeah, I've taken my kid to

Speaker 69 soccer tots at that age.

Speaker 28 It's just dribbling.

Speaker 30 It's dribbling and alarmingly, Dave, a lot of just picking the ball up with your hands.

Speaker 62 So that's wrong.

Speaker 51 They teach them some good footwork at that age, but I don't remember an element of clustering around a near post for an aerial bombardment.

Speaker 35 I mean, you're not even allowed to head the ball, are you, until you're a bit older these days with the regulations? He's just gone way too early on three or four there. Just say schoolboys.

Speaker 35 Just say schoolboys. It's what we learn.
It's a lot of what we learnt at school.

Speaker 17 Speaking of people who get rather defensive about old school football, it's time for Keys and Grey Corner.

Speaker 23 Yes, indeed, that is the new jingle for Keys and Grey Corner, as composed by Bobby Goulder.

Speaker 60 We're adopting it, Nick, not out of some sort of legal requirement, not sort of legal action by Sky themselves, just because it was so beautifully done and we thought it was fitting that we would adopt it.

Speaker 20 I don't know what the backlash will be.

Speaker 5 I hope there isn't one.

Speaker 53 I will never tire of that format of the kind of replacing generic noise. I know it wasn't, there were words originally, but replacing kind of generic noise in theme tune with different words.

Speaker 19 Superb. Absolutely.

Speaker 33 Yeah, it scans really well, Dave.

Speaker 9 I'm very happy with it.

Speaker 51 Long may it continue.

Speaker 39 A quick pair of Keys and Gray items for you.

Speaker 87 First up, Keesy showing off his language skills ahead of the big game of the weekend.

Speaker 103 Well, it is the weekend's biggest game. There's no two ways about that.
El Classico, the Classico, which is why we shall be watching it on this channel 45 minutes from now.

Speaker 5 Great to clarify.

Speaker 37 The Classico.

Speaker 89 You know, they have a lot of different languages on Be in.

Speaker 37 It's really good that they clarify that.

Speaker 98 Second one, in Keesy's blog last week, he brought up a classic Keesy device which is praising Hibbs for how well they're doing this season.

Speaker 27 David Gray is in charge there, reporting to my mate, Malki Mackay.

Speaker 28 Well done both. Keep it going.

Speaker 82 But he's not averse to a my mate or a my old mate, is he Dave?

Speaker 62 What is it about Keesy that he likes to constantly remind people of who he's mates with?

Speaker 35 My old mate. He also he's chucked in a few my little mates as well, hasn't he? I think of it.
My little mate. Ray Wilkins, I think that one was about.

Speaker 35 But I mean he's just got loads of mates, isn't he?

Speaker 92 In football. Yeah.

Speaker 46 I'm going to present to you, I'm not going to do this this in quiz format or anything like that.

Speaker 25 I'm just going to present you a comprehensive list of everyone who Richard Keyes is mates with, as confirmed by his blog.

Speaker 9 My little mate, Ray Wilkins,

Speaker 24 as you already pointed out.

Speaker 26 My old mate, Nick Owen, a hatter since his schoolboy days, so morning TV colleague, of course.

Speaker 31 My mate, John Cross, Crossy.

Speaker 30 Okay.

Speaker 26 Several instances of my mate Jan Fjortoft.

Speaker 84 who is basically the guy who gives me transfer information for Scandinavian football.

Speaker 53 I like the elimination of the middle part of his name as well there.

Speaker 76 Jan Fjotov.

Speaker 24 Yeah, he does this every time.

Speaker 30 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 33 It's more personal, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 26 My mate, Graham Soonas.

Speaker 30 My mate, Jason McAteer, obviously.

Speaker 33 My mate, Clyde Tildsley.

Speaker 22 Wasn't aware of that. My mate at BN Sports, unnamed.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 22 My mate, Mark Bowen, deep cut. My mate, Malky Mackay.
My mate, Bob Wilson.

Speaker 31 Yep. That's good.

Speaker 26 My mate, Andy Gray. Thank God he made the cut.

Speaker 22 My mate, Ray Clements.

Speaker 33 My old mate, Jan Fjotoft.

Speaker 17 So they obviously fell out and then got back together again.

Speaker 22 My old mate, Mark Palaeos.

Speaker 43 And that's it. So that's a comprehensive list of everyone that Richard Keyes is mates with.

Speaker 52 So good to know he has some friends.

Speaker 35 Shame that Reedy didn't make the list.

Speaker 4 Yeah, not according to Google.

Speaker 29 I might need to play around with

Speaker 29 the wording of my Google search terms. But there we go.

Speaker 69 Richard Keyes in good company.

Speaker 31 As was I. Thanks to you, Nick Miller.

Speaker 30 Thank you. Thanks to you, David Walker.

Speaker 31 Thank you. A stunning adjudication panel.

Speaker 66 We'll be back on Thursday.

Speaker 28 See you then.

Speaker 6 This podcast is part of the Sports Social Podcast Network.

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