Anaconda (1997)

This is Free with Ads, the podcast that asked the question: why pay 10 bucks a month to watch a bunch of Shark Week specials on Discovery Plus when you can go online for free and watch a movie about a giant aquatic animal attacking people that also features many educational facts, like after a giant snake barfs you up, you can still wink.

I'm Jordan Morris.

And I'm Emily Fleming.

Today's movie is Enaconda, the hit movie based on Sir Mixilot's penis.

With us today, filling in for super producer Matt Lieb is the producer of such beloved maximum fun shows as Troubled Waters and Primer Christian Doenez.

Christian Doenez, hi.

Thanks for being here.

Hello, hello.

Happy to be here.

Now,

typically, the producer plays a sound effect when introduced.

Do you have something to introduce yourself?

This river can kill you in a thousand ways.

In the water, there you go.

I just love his accent.

Oof, the accent.

Can't wait to talk about it.

We'll get into it.

Christian, you watched the movie for this, and this was your first time, right?

Yeah, I have never seen this movie.

It's one of those movies, you know, that iconic VHS cover, DVD cover

at Blockbuster.

I would always see it, and I never

got to see it.

I don't know.

It just was never in my house.

Well, you're welcome for giving you the opportunity.

Oh, thank you so much.

One of the reasons we're watching this movie, other than the fact that we talk about it constantly, is that

we're starting a special month.

We're kicking off a special month.

AAA

Animals Attack August.

All throughout August, we're going to be watching movies where animals fuck you up.

I really want Matt to do

later on some kind of

and then like the, you know, like a

lion growl and a Godzilla growl and a snake.

Animals hack August.

Because apparently apparently the snake in this movie makes noise.

The snake in this movie is making all kinds of crazy noises.

Yes.

This is an awesome fact.

One, snakes don't do that.

Two, all those noises are being made by Frank Welker, who was the voice of Scooby-Doo.

No.

Are you kidding me?

Called the guy who did Scooby-Doo's voice in to make a bunch of snake roars?

Jordan.

Yeah.

I can't tell if you're fucking with me.

I'm not fucking with you.

According to IMDb Trivia, that is absolutely true.

Holy shit.

I would love it.

Snakes.

I'm a snake.

I wonder if there was a point in the movie where it talked.

And that's why they called him in.

It's like, all right, you know,

I hope you don't hit me with a rice pick, rice cube.

But as somebody that watches animated

Velma porn.

Okay, yep.

Velma, popular

popular pornography character.

Yeah, I mean, this feels very like, okay, we have the voice of Scooby-Doo and a giant anaconda.

I'm like, let's drop my glasses and find them.

I love it.

Let's do it.

Yeah, they should have given J-Lo glasses and

a little private school skirt.

And a sweater for them monkeys.

And a sweater.

Well, yes, Animals Attack August.

It's all the same.

Sweater puppies.

I have to collect it.

Sweater puppies.

No, no, no.

Thank you.

Thank you for your

time.

But this movie did feature various monkeys.

It did.

That's probably

why you made the mix up.

Very understandable.

So, yeah, different animals every week, fucking people up.

It's going to be a blast.

We've got some fun surprises in store for you.

But before we talk about this movie, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads, we're going to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week.

I got an amazing targeted ad the other day.

A totally amazing targeted ad.

I was so flattered to get it.

The algorithm wanted me to know that tickets are on sale now for this year's Gathering of the Juggalos.

Yes.

The music festival for

murderous clown rappers, ICP, Insane Clown Posse.

Now, making fun of the Gathering of the Juggalos is, you know, a time-honored internet tradition.

Yeah.

Emily, correct me if I'm wrong.

I think the reason this, like, endures, why it's so fun to, like, check out the Gathering of the Juggalos every year, like, see who's on the bill, see what the activities are, is because it looks pretty fun and you kind of want to go.

Totally.

And also,

I mean, I think we used to make fun of it, but now I kind of go, I feel like these people are going to save America.

Yeah.

They haven't figured out.

They were the first music festival to cancel because of COVID.

They endorsed

Kamala.

Yeah.

The Juggalos were very quick to say, we're not doing it this year.

So good on the business.

That's so cool.

Yeah.

I think that it just seems like a community of people who have each other's backs and like to just let loose and be themselves in a way that isn't like Burning Man, which has turned into this commercialized, like rich orgy.

And Juggalos is like, we've been an orgy, bitch.

We've been an orgy in the mud and the dirt for a long time.

Also, very wholesome, and it's not always an orgy.

Yeah.

And I very recently priced, I actually looked at tickets this year on the website it's 300 bucks to go to the whole weekend that's not bad that's like half a Beyonce where is it or is it like a tour oh it's like it no it is it is a one weekend it's like in Ohio I think Christian maybe could you google this while we're thank you

but I was having a lot of fun going down the lineup

Emily I'm gonna read to you some

Some acts playing the gathering of the juggalos.

Now, hang on.

Are these acts that you are making up

to when you do those classic mobster names and you rattle them off, and it's amazing from time to time, I will construct long lists on the show for a bit.

These are real.

I am not fucking around.

These are totally real acts on the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Okay.

And I know, like, when you go to a music festival, sometimes you have to choose.

So, Emily, I'm going to read you all these names.

And if you had to choose three of these to check out, who would they be?

Okay.

Okay.

Belushi Speedball.

Shit.

Lardy B.

Mary Tyler Hoors.

Thick Chris.

T-H-I-C-C Chris.

Siamese goat god.

Ooh.

Squid pisser.

No.

Abe LinkedIn.

I don't know why.

This guy just did a LinkedIn joke in his name.

I don't know.

Freaky to Pimp.

Uh-huh.

Skeezus.

Oh, and the Dumpster Babies.

T-H-A Dumpster Babies.

I think this is pretty easy.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

I like Lardy B because it's like Lardy B.

You know what I mean?

It's very southern, very genteel.

It is.

Yeah.

I mean, I think it's maybe a spoof on Cardi B, but there could be a little bit of that in there, too.

Well, I like it because it sounds like something someone in my family would say.

I'm going to go with

Squid Pisser.

Don't know what that is, but I love it because Squid's ink.

And I like calling it piss instead of ink.

Hilarious.

Fun.

And then I'm going to go Abe LinkedIn because

fuck.

Like, can someone make LinkedIn fun?

Maybe Abe LinkedIn can.

Maybe.

Maybe.

I bet Abe LinkedIn has more jobs that they'll actually give you than LinkedIn.

I've never booked a job from LinkedIn.

And I like how he's performing at a festival where absolutely no one has a LinkedIn profile.

I can't imagine anyone.

That's a compliment, too, by the way.

Oh, for sure.

Great lineup.

I thought

you might say Lardy B.

So I did have a have a clip of Lardy B's music queued up.

Christian, can you play a little bit of Lardi B's latest single for us?

It's okay.

It's great.

And the video is her going around with a hatchet killing everybody who talks shit about her on the internet.

Yes.

It's like they display the troll.

trolls.

Hardy B.

She's killing everybody.

I know.

Oh, Lordy.

If you've been to the gathering of the Juggalos and want to tell us about it, please email us

at maximumfun.org.

Jordan, when is it?

Oh, it's like, it's like, it is in August sometime.

It's like

August 13th.

Okay.

Fuck.

And it's in Thornville, Ohio.

At Legend Valley.

Legend Valley.

Thank you, Christian.

I feel like, okay, I have something on the 12th and the 14th that I have to do.

But part of me is like, should I go for one day?

I mean, if you got 300 bucks, the VIP stuff is just 50 bucks too.

Like, it's very reasonable.

So I could pay 350.

And then, like, if one of our fans is in that area and wants the rest of my, like, a ticket, I can just give it to them.

Okay.

And you get a free bra cup, baby.

Boom.

Done.

By the way, I am, I'm in the middle of here, I'll show it to you on camera, but you can't really see it.

I've been making chokers out of the bra straps from

the bras.

Instead of just selling the whole bra, I'm making chokers out of the bra straps, but I'm keeping all of the cups for the next Max Fun drive.

Hey, okay.

All of those will be like, it'll be really cool too, because I'm getting into embroidery.

I'm going to embroider all of our signatures.

A crafty tease for next year.

You're not just getting sweaty, sweaty ass bras.

You're getting them with embroidery on it.

Beautiful.

I cannot wait.

Maximumfun.org/slash join.

Well, hey, let's do it.

Let's finally talk about Anaconda.

Hell yes.

Before we start our chat, we wanted to mention that this movie contains suicide.

So, if that's not something you want to hear about, we're going to play some music and give you a chance to find another episode.

We're back.

It's free with ads.

We are talking about Anna Conda.

Christian, your first time watching the movie.

Emily, what is your experience with the movie?

It's my first time watching the movie.

I've really

been.

It's been,

I think it was my first time.

The thing is, I know about the wink.

Everybody knows about the wink.

And I'm pretty positive it's been on at like people's houses and stuff, but I've never actually sat and watched it because,

as

know, I have

submechanophobia,

which is fear of

animatronics

in water or man-made things underwater.

So like if there's a shipwreck underwater or a sculpture underwater, fuck, no, I'm out.

I'm out.

Okay.

But also reptiles or dinosaurs, especially, but a snake.

No, thank you.

But luckily, this snake was only animatronic for a little bit.

Yeah, there's a lot of, there's some, there's some cool puppetry in this movie, and then there's a lot of like early 90s, like sub-Jurassic Park CGI.

Yeah, it was, and it was fine, um, but overall, not too scared of this.

I think because watching it on a little TV is different than seeing it in the theater.

I think if I was in the theater, I would have been like, fuck this movie.

So, um, I've I've seen a little bit of it here and there, but actually sitting down and watching it, this was really fun so this was my first full time watching the whole thing so i saw it in theaters and it was a really big thing in my friend group my like high school friend group we all went to see it together and like as as christian alluded to um The thing you remember from this movie, well, it's the wink, but also John Voigt's weird voice.

He's doing a crazy accent.

His character is, I guess, from Paraguay, and maybe that's what people sound like in Paraguay.

If you are from Paraguay and he's doing a perfect accent, let us know.

I don't think he is.

I think he watched the Princess Bride and just repeated the lines to himself in like a tape recorder.

Oh, like he's doing Amigo Montoya.

Amigo Montoya is what he was doing.

Also, he sounded kind of Italian at certain moments.

It's, it is wild.

And the thing from my friend group, I mean, and

everybody did this.

We're talking Ryan Christian.

We're talking Manesh Lakani.

We're talking Lindsey Parrs.

We're talking Johnny Jenkins did this.

Your friends have cool names.

Yes,

these are all cool dudes and babes that I went to high school with, and we all saw this movie together.

And in the John Voigt voice, we would go up to each other at random times and go, there is something in the water.

That sounds French.

There is something in the water.

And this was such a big part of my high school experience doing this to people.

I watched this movie.

That line isn't in the movie.

This is the closest I've come to like Mandela effect.

I'm like, did I see a weird cut of this?

Because if there's one thing I know, it's that in Anaconda, John Voigt says there is something in Zawater.

Well, have you seen the trailer?

Maybe it's in the trailer.

I, you know, I thought that.

I thought it might be one of those lines in the trailer that gets cut in the theatrical release.

I didn't see it.

I think it's just something we thought would be in the movie.

Yeah.

I don't know.

But yes, that's the closest I've ever been to like Shazam Kazam.

You know,

the Monopoly guy has shoes.

Like something that would be in the movie.

The other thing that I was hoping is this accent was so bad, and he was such a shy,

you know, con artist

trickster, is that it would have been a fake accent that he put on.

Right.

And then he would reveal at the end of the movie that he was playing all of them.

Like, this is my normal voice.

Well, it just would have been like, ah, fucking, I'm an asshole.

You know, I'm John Boyd.

I'm kind of a bad guy.

Well, yeah, very bad guy, by the way.

Yeah, John Boyd, you know,

not our favorite guy.

Not our favorite guy, but so I feel very happy with making fun of his terrible acting in this movie.

But I think the terrible acting he did was very effective with hating him in this movie.

It's so memorable, too.

Like, it is a like, I think it's like an all-time bad performance, you know?

Yes, but it was still effective and scary in a a way like yeah yeah this movie i think this movie and you know we'll we'll you know we'll we'll talk about our thoughts at the end yeah yeah i think this is a really good bad movie i think this is like a real like totally down the down the middle good bad movie that has cool stuff but also like totally fucking sucks at other times well i also think that the acting wasn't the problem i really wish that animatronics and the effects were good because it could have been really scary it could have been really scary all right Well, let's talk about what actually happens in Anaconda.

We get a little pre-movie crawl,

a slither, if you will,

telling us some facts about Anacondas, including that they will regurgitate their prey in order to hunt again.

Ooh, that

movie.

We get some shots of the Amazon set to music that I think is probably from the Pure Moods CD.

These very pure moods.

Yeah, when white people make tribal music, which I'll be real, I loved that shit.

Yeah.

In the 90s.

Lorena McKinnett.

Oh, shit.

The Mummers Dance.

Love that shit.

Okay, yeah.

This is, yeah, I mean,

Anaconda was a hot soundtrack

for fans.

They had Ice Cube in it, but all the music was like a tribal sound.

Right, yeah, it is funny.

You have Ice Cube in this, but yeah, all the music is just this weird pan flute that you would hear at the Swap Meet.

Or at nature company.

Or at night.

Yep, nature company.

This is very much.

Have nature company in your malls?

I loved nature company.

Me?

I loved it.

Fucking too.

So much dinosaur shit at the nature company.

It was like the place you went for like, you know, air quotes, educational toys.

Well, I went there because I found it to be witchy.

Oh, yeah, you can get crystals and stuff.

Crystals and rainsticks.

And then, you know, when white people want to seem spiritual, because

we're not.

We take it away from other people.

That's what we do.

But yeah, but I remember there being the best stuffed animals there, like the really interesting animals that you didn't normally see at like a toy store.

And they were so expensive.

I never got to have any.

Oh, yeah.

Nature Company was a fun shop.

Oh, so sad it's gone.

The gold set.

Yep.

So we get a spooky scene featuring a poacher played by a young Danny Trejo.

This was a cool little thing that I kind of forgot was in this movie.

Young Danny Trejo.

But he had like top billing in the intro, like when they were.

Yeah, he is kind of high up there in the credits.

I wonder.

Yeah, I guess I don't really know anything about his career trajectory, if it was like huge to get him in this movie at the time.

Maybe this is like the Drew Barrymore from Scream.

Oh, maybe

we got a super famous person who's going to die at the beginning.

Exactly.

Yes.

Could be.

Yeah,

I'll have to research more about the career of Danny Trejo.

Now, he makes a great donut.

If you're ever in L.A., go to Trejo's Donuts.

They do a pina colada fritter.

It's tasty.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah, really good.

So

he's a poacher.

He has all these animals in cages.

He's being hunted by something.

And we're seeing from that something's point of view, is it an Anaconda?

Yeah,

it is.

That's the title of the movie.

So we see, there's a lot of like POV shots from the snake's point of view.

in this.

It's like destroying this little shed that he's in.

He's like running away from it, and he like climbs this tower to get away from it and then you you know it's about to get him and then he pulls out a gun and shoots himself that is always scary to me when someone is like I would rather commit suicide than deal with the fucking thing that is like such a like easy screenwriting trope that totally works on me every time yeah I was a little shocked by it and part of me thought that that was a flash forward scene yeah that we were gonna meet him and this was the end of the movie but we're gonna see everything leading up to it.

Right.

Would have been a better movie.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, this part is, you know, kind of fun and spooky, and yeah, very fun to see young Danny Trejo in it.

Yeah, the movie never really gets scarier than this.

No.

But yeah, so we go to the main crew that the movie is about

at a, this is from the Chiron, a jungle hotel deep in the Amazon,

where documentary filmmaker J-Lo is there with the hunky Professor Kale.

They're going out on a boat to make a nature documentary about a tribe.

Yep.

Who else is on this boat?

Well, I'll tell you.

The host of the documentary.

He's a snobby dude.

He's a real that guy from that thing.

He was like the butler in Richie Rich.

Well, yeah, he's been in, wasn't he kind of part of the Brat Pack at one point?

I feel like the red.

Are we talking about the redhead guy?

No, no, no, no.

We're talking about a different guy.

The butler guy.

Yeah, he's in like the mummy and stuff.

Oh, you know, I think he, you know, I don't know.

Maybe Christian, can you check on this guy for me?

I think I kind of thought, is this the guy from the mummy for a second?

He is Dr.

Alan Chamberlain.

Oh, okay.

There you go.

Yeah, he's

usually playing like a snobby

villain who's going to turn on people or whatever.

And so as soon as I saw him, I went, oh, here's our villain.

Right.

And he is very snobby.

We get introduced to him.

He's like having people on this like boat in the Amazon like carry on his crates of wine.

And he's like, careful with that wine.

Oh, no.

I love it.

And he's playing golf later.

He's such just a cartoon of a snob.

He's great, but he's a snob, but he's not a bad guy.

He's I know, and I do like that because this would be a fucking easy guy to kill for applause.

But he does get a lot of like hero moments.

And him and like Ice Cube have this little like,

you know, surprise friendship later.

Yeah, I like how they handle this guy.

I like things that it's like, just because you're frivolous and materialistic materialistic and a diva does not make you evil it's yeah you can be you can be more than one thing guys of course we're we're all complicated we all contain multitudes uh so as we mentioned uh ice cube is on the uh on the boat with them he's the uh like cinematographer he uh he introduces himself by saying today is a good day we all love that that rat rules um

and then uh just some other kind of random crew members on it owen wilson is just in this movie as a guy whose job is unclear.

Had no, I was so shocked when I saw Owen Wilson because that was something I did not know.

I do not remember.

Like, I couldn't believe it.

And he has looked like the same motherfucker for so long.

He's like, I will have the same hair.

Do we think that hair is a piece?

Ooh, I don't know.

Great question.

I'm starting to think it's just been the same wig this whole time.

you just got a wig for bottle rocket like

a crew cut in bottle rocket yeah well i'm oh yeah crew yeah that he had hair there but ever since then it's been the ellen degenerate special like ever since

um

do you know if owen wilson wears a wig let us know i mean nothing wrong with it wear a piece if you want to wear a piece

um so that's kind of the crew owen wilson he is like hooking up with one of the other kind of random crew members he's like the jungle makes me horny Honestly, I loved that.

Me too.

That was good.

Good.

We're horny in the jungle.

Yeah, just because you're in the jungle doesn't mean you shouldn't be horny.

In fact, it should make you more.

Yeah.

So they're the crew.

And then, oh, then there's the driver of the boat, Mateo, who

we'll learn some shocking secrets about later in the movie.

But they come upon a stranded dude whose boat is like caught in some branches.

It's John Voigt, who I think is the tallest person in the movie.

Yes, I think you're right.

Tallest guy.

And on this show, we give out an award to the worst hat.

That award often goes to wigs or hair.

I think John Voigt's ponytail is

probably

the worst hat.

The worst hat.

Yes, 100%.

Awful ponytail.

And he

is the frowniest man.

He's constantly frowning.

There are like, if you go on like a gif website and type in john voight it is just gifts of him frowning in this movie uh thousands of frowning gifs his like just cutaways of him going like me

like he's not he's not making that noise but it looks every time it cuts to him it just you want him to be going me

well what was the movie that made him famous um

Something Cowboy.

What was it called?

It's.

Oh, yeah, I don't know.

I guess I don't know too much about the career of Jon Voigt other than like

this through a weird MAGA guy.

Him and Dustin Hoffman did this like very famous movie in the 70s.

Midnight Cowboy?

Midnight Cowboy, which is like, and he is gorgeous in that movie.

It's the one where they go, I'm walking here.

Oh, that's where I'm walking here comes from.

Yeah.

I did not know that.

I did not know that.

And I've never seen the movie.

We should probably watch that sometime because that's why we're stuck with this man in this movie.

Yeah, just like one great movie and then just fucking phones it in for

well, I wouldn't say he phoned it in.

I think he's

very hard, but he's very dumb and bad.

And, you know, that's what you get when you're dumb and bad and did one good movie.

I know.

If you think, like, you think about like who would absolutely fucking destroy this, right?

Like, I mean, you know, it's a cold take, but it's like Nick Hage would be so good at this.

Oh, or like a.

too young at this time period, though.

Yeah, you're right.

He might be, yeah, he might not be the right age here.

Yeah.

But Keith David, you know, get a Keith David in here.

Who's that?

Is he from Clockwork Orange?

Who's that?

Let me make sure I'm getting his.

I'm thinking

Christopher Walken or something would be good.

Keith David is from like the thing.

Anyway,

he's one of those like you love him and everything guys.

Oh, okay.

Ooh, sound off in the comments or on Reddit about who you think would have fucking crushed it at this part because I would love to know.

He's the president in Rick and Morty.

He does the voice of the president anyway.

Jordan, I don't know about Rick and Morty.

I fuck.

Yeah, you just be having sex to watch Rick and Morty.

I'm kidding.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm kidding.

I'm sure you all fuck.

Yeah, of course.

Your hands.

T.

T.

Listening to the radio head and fucking your hands.

He,

So John Voigt's character

is like a super snake-catching guy.

He's talking weird and he knows how to catch snakes.

But the branches in his boat are what got him.

I know, right?

Yeah, just the dumbest thing.

I guess we will learn later that that is like a fake out.

Yeah.

But yeah, it makes him seem very inept.

And he apparently knows where this like tribe is that they're looking for.

So they bring him on the boat.

Owen Wilson and uh, like the woman he's hooking up with, they go off to like hook up in the jungle.

That's a very fun scene.

Yes, they're like trying to like get audio of the jungle, and then they start making out, and then something chases them.

And you see John Voigt pop out of the bushes and shoot, and you think he shot them, but he shot like a pig that was coming to get them.

It's a warm fake out series movie.

There are, and it, it, that.

Can I tell you about a wild boar story?

Yeah, sure, please.

Oh, my gosh, great.

I would love to.

I, um, well, it's not that wild,

but my parents sent me to outdoor adventure camp in the summers at Tremont

camp, summer camp in the Smoky Mountains.

I'm not a very outdoor zegro.

I am more now because of these camps, but you had to hike 40 miles in the Smokies in four days.

So it was like 10 miles a day.

Not too bad, but when you're going uphill and you walk through a beehive and everyone gets stung by bees in a line, that was pretty crazy.

But one of my best friends, Dallas,

it was co-ed, by the way.

And boy, did I get fingered.

If Matt was here, he could do fingering story.

Matt will drop in all the stings.

Matt will drop in the sting.

Christian is lovely, and he's filling in for us.

I don't think he has access to Matt's.

Christian, we have a sting about all my fingering stories.

Right, right, right.

Does that make you feel good about doing this show?

Does that make you feel good about subbing in?

Yeah, having a great time.

All right, Christian.

You got to watch a classic movie.

You got to hear about Emily getting UTIs at camp.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Thanks for being here, Christian.

Fendering story.

Anyway, so I am, and I got caught by the counselors or whatever.

But my friend Dallas.

How's this going to turn into a wild boar story?

Okay, so Dallas, my first boyfriend ever from the fourth grade to sixth grade, he was not my boyfriend anymore, but we're besties.

But he, you had to go poop.

They gave you one shovel.

We all had one shovel, and we learned about how the shovel is just to dig the hole that you poop in you never touch poop with the shovel all right so you have to dig this hole and then poop in it everybody got constipated because everyone was like oh my god i have to dig this hole and poop a lot of pressure and uh so he had gone off with the shovel and was trying to poop and this boar charged at him down this hill while he was trying to shit.

And he ran down the hill with his pants around his ankles.

And this boar like ran past us really fast.

Like, he could have been fucked up

from this, which was really funny.

The good thing, Counselor John Voigt stepped in.

Camp Counselor John Voigt.

But here's the fun thing.

Everybody got constipated because we were so scared of pooping in the woods, you know, like you have to dig a hole and everything, and it takes forever.

So, what they would do is give us a dollop of hand soap, dial orange hand soap that you would swallow, and it would make you poop like so quick.

They should just tell the kids just a week before you come to camp, practice pooping in a hole.

Just get started at home, dig a hole in your yard or at a public park.

But then you're at a comfortable place pooping in a hole.

You're not in the woods.

No, you can ease into it.

You can ease into it.

Anyway, if you're ever struggling to poop, dollop a hand soap.

Dollop a hand soap.

Swallow it and you're going to shit like crazy.

Also, bubbles.

Yeah.

I could totally see somebody like doing that on TikTok.

Like, hey guys, just wanted to let you know that if you're struggling to constantly, yeah, anyway.

I cannot do the TikTok voice.

I can't.

I'm doing it right now for y'all, motherfuckers.

This is my TikTok, babe.

Boom.

Okay, so, you know, they're having to deal with John Voight being kind of creepy.

And so, so, Professor Kale, this is Eric Stoltz.

I think this is the guy who was in the Brat Pack.

That's what I was talking about.

Boy, did he have another engagement or something?

And that's why he had to be asleep the whole movie?

Yeah, this guy, fucking cushy-ass acting job here.

He has to do one like diving scene.

He gets to make out with J-Lo, and then he just gets to sleep in bed for the whole rest of the movie because he gets stung by a wasp.

What the fuck?

I don't, like, there has to be like some information about that.

Like, why the fuck?

I know he was supposed to be Marty McFly.

He was the original.

And then he got recast probably because he wanted to sleep the whole time.

He's like, what if Marty was just like in bed?

What if Marty just like

a scene where he like wakes up in bed and like his mom wakes him up?

Like, what if she didn't wake him up?

What if he was just in bed?

What if we got him on the hoverboard, but he's just taking a nap?

But if it's a hover bed, what if it was a hover bed?

He's just sleeping and flying around.

Yeah, I don't know.

This was the weirdest, um, the weirdest character.

I don't understand why he was even in the fucking movie.

I don't know if you can see it.

I guess to like, you know, I guess because they have to have a reason to like want to go back.

And then John Voigt has to have a reason to like trick them.

So I guess because he's stung, they're like, we need to go back.

And John Voight's like, I know how to get back.

But he, like, the motivations in this movie are very weird.

I can't imagine this movie wasn't rewritten 30 million times.

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lots of screenwriters on this.

And But yeah, so people's motivations are very weird in this.

Yeah.

And like what John Voigt is doing is also very unclear.

He does

three submissions.

It feels like this con man has a very convoluted like plan that yeah,

totally.

Yeah.

What is his plan?

What was his plan?

Yeah, you'll go insane trying to figure it out.

I mean, it's, you know,

too hard.

I know.

I do have a theory when we come to the end about what the plan was.

So, okay.

So, so this guy, so Eric Stoltz is like laid up, and then Owen Wilson, and then John Voigt kind of like takes control of the boat, and then Owen Wilson is kind of like on board.

He's like, we're not going to the hospital.

We're going to try and catch an anaconda because you can sell them for a million dollars.

Oh, wait, but we had somebody die by the anaconda at this point, and it was the driver of the boat.

Oh, yeah, okay, yeah.

So, you're right.

Mateo, the guy who's the captain of the ship,

gets killed by the snake.

It like,

you know, and this is when the animatronic animatronic really comes into play.

It like constricts him and you could hear his bones cracking.

The like foley in this movie is really over the top.

All of the like noises are really like

over the top, including the snake roaring and growling with the voice of snake.

And going,

this kind of thing, which is like a Velociraptor kind of noise.

Like I think that this was probably around the time of after Jurassic Park.

Oh, totally.

I'm sure this movie got like rushed into production after Jurassic Park.

What was Mateo's secrets that you said that he had?

So he and John Voigt were like in cahoots that we'll learn.

I remember that part

winking at each other.

Yeah, they're like a lot of winking in this movie.

Oh yeah.

So yeah, so they were in cahoots and this is part of John Voigt's plan to like

get a boat, which they already had because they crashed the boat.

I don't know why they need this like documentary crew to get this anaconda anyway.

And then he's also going after this chest of stuff that we don't know what it anyway.

Who cares?

So they're doing this like mutiny.

John Voynton, like Owen Wilson, are like threatening everybody with guns to go get this anaconda.

They get a monkey to like act as bait for the anaconda.

Poor monkey.

And it didn't even want it.

It like just bits it up.

I know.

Monkeys belong in the trees or in Velma's bra.

They just want to be in a sweater.

They just want to be sweater monkeys.

Okay, listen, sweater puppies are like, you know, large breasts in a sweater.

But I think I have sweater monkeys.

They're swinging from

tree to tree.

They are doing their own thing.

You can't tame them.

And they have prehensile tails as well.

And hairy.

And they're hairy.

A little bit.

There's a couple.

A couple of sweater monkeys.

So they use this monkey as bait.

The anaconda like kills Owen Wilson.

Oh, this is a great shot that I reroute to watch again because I just loved it so much.

So it eats Owen Wilson.

And there's a pretty scary shot of, you know, you see it doing the like death roll, the them like rolling over with him in the water.

That's pretty scary.

But then you just get this awful CGI shot of the Anaconda with the outline of Owen Wilson's like screaming face in its stomach.

That's so bad.

Yeah, it was

it was fucked also the fact that he turned so quickly to like yeah let's get this snake i know yeah owen wilson uh weird it's a heartbreaking a heartbreaking betrayal yeah not well written i'd say no

no no no

so they just they like want to double mutiny john voight so they have j-lo like go up and seduce him and then like ice cube attacks and he like john voight fights ice cube and then um

uh the snobby guy hits him appropriately with his golf club.

Yay!

Yeah, I love that this guy gets a heroic moment.

He does say like hole in one or something.

I forget exactly what the little catchphrase is, but it is like a golf pun.

He does do a like, you know,

four or something.

I don't know.

I forget what it is.

Something like that.

I don't know, golf.

Every golf pun is about the same quality.

So anyway.

Yeah.

Okay, so they have like John Voigt tied up.

They're trying to escape.

And then the woman who was like hooking up with

the quote, according to IMDb, is asshole in one.

Asshole in one.

Thank you.

You know what?

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

Thank you, Christian.

Yes.

Thank you, Christian.

I will say

this.

There's a lot of moments where I feel like John Voigt's character should be dead.

Yes.

And the golf club thing, I'm like, isn't this what took Carrie Strugg out of the Olympics?

Like, how is John Voyt still walking around?

Tonya Harding, like, you know, we're going to be able to do that.

They beat him up so bad and like, and just insists on keeping him on the boat.

I know they're the good guys and they can't just like throw this guy in the water, but I don't know, just like leave him on the land or something, you know?

Like, I just throw him in the water.

Just throw him in there.

Like, you'll figure it out.

So he, like, is constantly coming back to life and, like, fucking people up.

Yeah.

I thought this was a pretty cool scene, actually.

So the woman who was like hooking up with Owen Wilson, she wants revenge.

John Voigt is tied up.

So she comes at him with like a knife.

It's like pretty tense.

And then John Voigt or John Voigt stunt double.

Yeah.

Jumps up in the air while still being tied up and like chokes her with his like legs

and then like throws her in the water.

And then he gets out.

and then captures everybody.

Eric Stoltz does pop up here and like stab him with the thing.

So, you know, and then fall back asleep.

He's asleep again.

Yep.

But also, John Boyce

says a line to her when she's coming at him with the night.

He goes, never look

the man in the eye when you're about to kill them.

And I'm like, it will haunt you forever.

Believe me, I know.

Yeah.

I'm like, I think she should have kept looking at him in the eye, and maybe that's why he said it.

Yeah, definitely.

It would have been so, so easy to reveal that his accent was fake.

The more I think about it, the more I think, like, they should have totally done that.

If he showed up to set on day one talking like that, they should have been like, okay, we have to reveal that this accent is fake.

Anyway, it is like Pepe Le Pew, like, level accent, just like, oh, ho, ho, ho.

Like, it's just a million different accents in one.

And they just let him do whatever he wanted.

I, I envy that.

I would like to, I can't even do that on mythical.

Like,

the next mythical video you do, Emily, you have to show up doing John Voigt from Anaconda in anyone noticing.

I'll do it.

I just want to do it.

I'll prepare you to do it.

Here's the thing: I am not great at accents, but I try very hard.

And every time I dip out of it, I catch myself and go, I'm so sorry.

This guy just kind of, they let him do whatever.

My God.

Okay, so shit's about to seriously hit the fan, and we're going to talk about it when we come back.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

We're back.

It's free with ads.

We're talking about the shocking conclusion of Anaconda.

So, John Voigt like captures everybody.

He ties up JLo and Ice Cube and to use his bait for the Anaconda.

In between this, we kind of learn that he and Mateo were in cahoots.

He goes to this MacGuffin shed and gets a MacGuffin box and brings it on the boat.

And we never learn what that is.

That is like, it's like, okay, why do this?

Just have him either want to get the Anaconda.

Like, I don't know, whatever.

So it had the Epstein files in it.

Oh, that's where they are.

They're in the Anaconda box.

Yeah, that's where they are.

Oh, man.

Well, there you go.

That was such a topical, cool joke.

People years from now will listen to this and go, ha, ha.

We are recording this

July 29th, 2025.

And for some reason, you're exploring the back

catalog years later.

And you found electricity and ability to access the internet.

And

you've managed to scavenge podcasts from a box.

Yeah, if you're AI and you're listening to us do this podcast.

To learn how to destroy humans,

then the Epstein files, they were.

Listen, if AI can learn how to finger, man, I'm into it.

I mean, maybe.

Maybe that's the next step.

Yeah, I mean, I would rather it be fingering than writing scripts, I guess.

Call me AI

Anyway, so

he oh, he douses them with monkey blood.

That's pretty gross.

He likes his bleeding.

Fucking monkeys, man.

This movie hates monkeys.

I know.

He bleeds it and like douses them with like monkey blood.

And then the anaconda like

comes after them.

And then it's this kind of just big CGI Anaconda fest.

And I think some of it's actually pretty cool.

The snobby guy

climbs up a like waterfall and jumps off.

And the Anaconda like like catches him midair and like wraps him up.

That's pretty cool.

And then it eventually like eats Jon Voigt and then like then and chases after J-Lo and then we get that we get the scene where it barfs him up and he before he like keels over he like winks at her.

It's so insane.

It's like the craziest thing you've ever seen in a movie.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, it's so memorable.

I don't know.

I don't know where that is coming from or if they were, if they were trying to like save him for a sequel or something.

It's just so crazy.

No, I think they just wanted it to be a creepy thing because they didn't have great CGI.

They were like, let's cover this man who already looks like chewed up like bubblegum

in oily goo, and then he'll look like chewed up bubblegum and it'll all kind of go together.

Oh, okay.

Maybe my, I have a lot of, I have some favorite shots in this movie.

One, seeing the outline of Owen Wilson's screaming face in the Anaconda.

But when the Anaconda eats John Voight initially before throwing him up, there is this scene where

it's from

the COV of the Anaconda's throat, and they clearly rigged up a little tunnel to look like an Anaconda throat, and they are pushing John Voigt through.

I love that this is practical.

We used to mix things in this country.

That's right.

Motherfucker.

Just the like goofy practical stuff in this is so much fun.

This is the day that Vor porn was born.

Oh man.

And like I think that that's kind of what it was.

But it also made me think about the

Jordan Peel nope.

It like immediately made me go, oh my god, this is...

Oh, maybe.

Because nope is way scarier than this movie, of course.

But that being consumed by this thing that you can't get out of and it's like flesh and stuff.

Oh my God.

Terrifying.

Yeah.

That was the scariest movie.

He uses a lot of influences.

He has those influences on his sleeve.

Maybe Anaconda is a more important movie to him than we realize.

I think that it was an inspiration.

I'm going to call it.

Let's do.

Yes.

Let's do.

Absolutely.

Yes.

Anaconda inspired Jordan Peel.

We're saying it here.

Right.

So, like, Ice Cube sets this trap for it.

He, like, like, lets a hose on fire and it goes to a bunch of of fuel drums, it blows the anaconda up, but it's still alive.

And it comes, and the puppet, they light the puppet on fire.

I love this part, they light the puppet on fire, it still chases J-Lo.

It like pops out of the dock, and Ice Cube hits it with an ice pick, hell yeah, and then says

one of the greatest catchphrases in the history of cinema: bitch.

Like the movie that gives us asshole in one, right?

Like a very, you know, down the middle, like kill pun.

Like, can't give us anything other than bitch.

Killer.

It's so killer.

I mean, he didn't need to say anything else.

I will say I don't understand

why J-Lo didn't make out with him immediately and then be like, oh, my boyfriend who's been asleep the whole time, fuck that guy.

Like immediately.

I know.

Ice Cube is the maximum.

Yeah, I know.

I really like Ice Cube, the actor.

I think every time he pops up, he is.

They didn't give him funny.

Yeah.

Well, they didn't really give anybody much of

a personality than John Voigt in this.

Yeah, that's true.

But yeah, he is.

I think he's really funny in that movie Fist Fight.

I think he's so funny when he pops up in those 21 Jumpstreet movies.

And he is very good.

He is the voice of the villain in the new Ninja Turtles movie.

And he's

great.

He's like great in it.

Yeah, it's like a

great VO performance.

Fuck yeah.

Ice Cube, one of our better actors good guy, the best furrowed brow in the game.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, he can really furrow the front of the brow.

Like, it just feels like it's never relaxed.

Um, anyway, the tribe they were looking for, like, finds them, and I think it's kind of like implied that the tribe saves them, even though they killed their god.

I think that I was hoping that this was the end for them.

As soon as we saw the tribe, and they're like, get the cameras out.

I was like, they're going to kill you.

Yeah, I know.

They still, I guess it's implied, they still make the documentary, and we get a little more pure moods panpipe music.

Yeah, that's yeah,

um,

yeah, well, we're gonna talk about what we thought of the movie, but first, we gotta do the hunk watch.

It's honk watch, yeah.

Um, any thoughts on the hunks of this movie?

Uh, I guess I don't have a su I, I think there are a lot of hunks in this movie, but one one didn't stand out to me.

What did you think?

It's Ice Cube, baby, all the way.

He's the man that uh

took care of business um and he didn't get like made out with or laid by anyone fucking bullshit you're right i mean the secondary one is owen wilson because owen wilson we all know has hella sex appeal

but that like ice cube is the hunk he's the man who saves the day never gives up quick on his feet funny charming whole thing hot loved him yes i love it i agree i agree okay we are going to rank Anaconda on a scale of one to 10 super loud commercials when we come back.

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Same episode, actually.

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We are going to rank Anaconda on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials.

But first, we want to let you know that if you go to maximumfun.org slash join, you can support the show, you can support the network, and you can get all of our bonus episodes that we do where we review free with ads television.

We reviewed recently the Pride and Prejudice miniseries from the 90s.

The pilots, yes.

The pilot and the pilot of Frasier, which I was,

I won't spoil what we thought of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, we, I think.

Our reaction to the Frasier pilot really surprised me.

Yeah.

It was a really fun chat, and you can hear it by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

Oh, yeah.

Lots of hot baldies.

I love a bald man like a toss salad with scrambled eggs.

Yum.

Delicious.

Eat them up.

Eat them right up.

Christian, the shows you produce on Max Fun,

for instance, Troubled Waters, for instance, Primer.

Do y'all have any good bonus content people can listen to?

Yeah, let's see.

For Troubled Waters, what did we do recently?

Oh, you know what?

Troubled Waters, a great comedy game show hosted by Dave Holmes.

Ooh.

The bonus content for Troubled Waters is we did a motivational speech special.

So, like, one of our recurring rounds in the game or in Trouble Waters is

motivational speeches for like small things like, teach me how to, or I need to learn how to parallel park or wash the dishes.

I thought you were going to say, teach me how to Dougie.

And I was like,

I can't do it.

I'm writing it down right now.

So, we had a bunch of Max Fun people come in and do their motivational speeches.

Oh, that's cool.

Because, you know, we all need some motivation.

Definitely, definitely.

MaximumFun.org slash join.

You get our bonus episodes.

You get the bonus episodes for every show on the network.

A great value any way you slice it.

Okay.

Let's rank Anaconda on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials.

Christian, you're joining us for the first time.

We've loved having you.

You watched this movie for the first time.

What did you think?

One to ten?

So I don't know about you guys, but I am a letterboxed freak.

I log every single thing that I watch on Letterboxd.

And this one got a two and a half.

So that one, I guess.

I mean, that's not bad, but it's, you know.

Yes, it is.

That's pretty bad.

Two and a half out of five.

Okay, two and a half out of five.

So that's worth it.

That translates to five out of ten, I guess.

Five out of ten.

Okay.

Five out of ten.

Okay.

You know, it's, it's, it's, I didn't, I don't regret watching it.

And plus, it's like 89 minutes.

And I got to say, most of my movie choices when I'm watching at home is like, is it 90 minutes or less?

Because that's clutch.

I can't do like a, I can't do tar at home, you know?

Yeah.

Emily, I get also your first time watching this.

You'd seen the memes, you'd seen the clips.

Now you watch the movie.

What'd you think?

One to ten?

Oh, man, what a mess.

I uh I'm giving it a four.

Okay.

I mean, again, great movie to have on in the background of a party.

Beautiful CGI.

I love that.

But even in the background of a party, there's no action.

It takes like forever to get anywhere.

And when it does get somewhere, it's like bad CGI.

I think most people would see it in the background of a party and go oh j-lo

and that would be about it i will say i did love j-lo's performance i think that j-lo is a movie star absolutely like there are people who are actors like tar like you were saying christian like there's that and then there's movie stars and i think that she is clearly magnetic on the screen um great performance everybody did their best yeah uh the year after this out of sight comes out and which is like thing.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Out of sight is amazing.

And the cell is amazing.

Oh, The Cell?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

Good couple years for J-Lo.

Yeah, I agree.

Yeah, she, you know, no one other than John Voigt has anything to do in this movie.

But yeah, everybody like handles themselves really well.

It's like a well-cast movie.

It is.

It is.

I do want to say, Ice Cube, speaking of, there's one song that isn't like pan flutes.

And they're listening, Ice Cube is listening to like a radio boombox on the boat as the fancy guy is

golfing.

And it's a song that he is in.

Like it's an actual song

by Mac 10 and Ice Cube that he is in.

And it's, I don't know.

Like, I mean, I'm not, not that I care about the canon of Anaconda, but it's, it's weird that those, that's, that's the thing.

Well, here's the thing.

We love soundtracks, especially for movies that are not that great.

And I'm very interested to see what the, is there even a soundtrack to anaconda there is

um and it looks like it's basically just the score to anaconda so i don't know and there's a song called my beautiful anna in parentheses conda

thank you randy it's too bad they didn't have silver chair the please die in uh nice sigh on there but that song is about anorexia so it wouldn't have worked wouldn't have worked Nope.

So I'm going to be, I'm going to go a little higher than this.

I like have all this nostalgia for this movie

and all these nice memories around it.

So I'm going to give it a six.

I think it is a

great kind of down-the-middle monster movie.

Kind of reminds me of Creature from the Black Lagoon in a lot of

ways.

So, yeah, I have some affection and some nostalgia for this, even though the line, Zeraz Sumsing in Zawater, is apparently not in it.

But yes, other than that

glaring problem,

yeah, I had a lot of fun watching this.

And there are five of these, and they are remaking it, and it's coming out later this year.

What?

So there's like four Anaconda sequels.

There's a crossover with Lake Placid.

There's Lake Placid versus Anaconda.

And then there's a comedy remake coming out later this year with Jack Black and Paul Rudd.

So

the Anaconda franchise is mighty.

Damn it.

I was going to say, like, oh my God, they've got all these sequels to Anaconda.

Kind of like how Tremors has like 11.

It is kind of like a Tremors.

Yeah, I'm like, put us

in your movies.

Like, please.

That's the thing.

I mean, you got Terra Reed in a lot of these Sharknados, I know.

But what about a few podcasters?

Sure.

We talk about it on the podcast.

You could choke me to death.

I don't mind.

Absolutely.

I actually pray for it every day

in a fun way.

Well, yeah, if you're out there and you're making a sequel to some sort of shark movie or bear movie or deer movie, let us know.

Deer.

That's funny.

We will be in it.

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Okay.

Let's do a little plug-in.

Christian, you want to tell us what shows you're involved with with Max Fun?

We mentioned Troubled Waters.

I've been on that show a couple of times.

It is a blast.

It's a very funny comedy game show.

Anything else we should check out on Max Fun?

Well, we're not in production right now, but if you want to go back to the archives and listen to Primer, that's the show I hosted alongside Yosuke Kitazawa.

We talk about Japanese city pop with some fun guests, Davenger Banhart, Wyatt Sanak was

one of the guests,

Linda Mariano.

It was a good fun time.

And

that came out about a year ago today.

So

go through it.

There's 10 episodes.

And hopefully there's some news to report on season two.

All right.

Okay.

Emily, you got anything?

I'm going to tell you to go to Phlegm Gems on Etsy.

That's my little jewelry store.

And I've got some bra stuff on there.

Hopefully, I've still got it.

I've uncovered most of my old bras, as talked about in the last episode.

And I've tried to make things out of it.

Yes, they've been worn.

Yes, they've been sweated in.

Get it, little slop piggies.

Get it.

Get it, slop piggies.

I love you.

I love you.

And this is on your Etsy.

This is on your Etsy.

It's on my Etsy.

And it's like, I'm trying to make it not just me selling old bras, although I think I'm going to sell two sports bras as is because, come on.

Yeah, come on.

You know, titty sweat.

Oh, sweater monkey sweat.

There you go.

Get your own set of sweater monkeys from Etsy.

And Lois Fleming, if you are listening, please don't be mad at me.

I owe you money.

This is for you.

This is for you.

If you're in the Bay Area, I will be at Cape and Cowl Con on Sunday, August 24th.

That is at Faction Brewing in Alameda, California.

That is a free Comic-Con with all sorts of cool comics, folks.

There's beers, there's books.

It is super free.

It is super, super fun.

Cape and Cowl Con is the event.

You can find out more at cape and cowlcomics.com.

Okay.

Tune in next week when our movie will be Alligator 2.

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