Nosferatu (1922)

This is Free with Ads, the podcast that asked the question: why pay Peacock eight bucks a month to watch the new Nosferatu movie when you can go online for free and watch the original that might not have sound, but that means you're not distracted when the vampire finally talks and sounds like Mojo Jojo from the Powerpuff Girls.

I'm Jordan Morris.

And I'm Emily Fleming.

Today's movie is the 1922 horror classic Nosferatu, which is best known for being the movie that's projected onto Tim Burton's ceiling every time he has sex.

Probably.

I had to say that for legal reasons.

With us always is super producer Matt hitting us with those spooky good drops.

Yes.

Don't come to my house or else I'll suck your dick and the blood.

I'm sorry, I had to use it again.

Wait.

What was that from?

That was our live show.

I used that on the live show, too.

Because listen, they were both about vampires.

And I was trying to think of another one.

And I was like,

it's more perfect now

than it ever has been.

In fact, whenever we do a vampire movie, this has to be the drop.

Don't come to my house or else I'll suck your dick and blood.

Before we talk about this movie, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads, we want to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week.

Wait,

before we do that.

Sure.

I'm very excited about it.

But that drop you just did where suck your dick.

if a dick has a boner, does that mean you're going to get more blood out of it?

100%.

Yeah,

that's why vampires are so sexy.

Yes, so if you're a vampire, just know, you know, hot tip.

Hot tip.

Just the hot tip.

Okay.

Hot tip.

You're going to want to make that tip hot.

It's kind of perfect.

I had to do a dick joke.

Sorry to interrupt you, Jordan.

No, no, that's okay.

It's a straw for a vampire.

Go ahead.

Before we talk about this movie, which is as of this recording, Shemi Free with Ads, we want to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week.

Other free stuff.

On the theme of spookiness, I have a clip from TikTok.

Now, I myself am not on TikTok because I understand how old I am.

It is a party I am not invited to.

All right.

That's fine.

You're allowed to use it.

Do you think you're not allowed to use it?

You know,

I think it's best for everyone.

You know what I like?

I like it when I can go on a social media site for a person my age and someone has reposted a good TikTok.

This is actually a TikTok I saw on Instagram.

My buddy Gina Ippolito posted.

Gina Ippolito, great comedy writer.

We'll have to have her on the show sometime.

Oh, heck yeah.

This is a clip from an account called Danton Steel Five.

And this concerns our buddy Vincent Price.

Vincent Price

from House on Haunted Hill, the the man, the spookiest man with the weirdest voice and behavior to match.

So, in like the 70s, after he, you know, had kind of like been a horror icon in the 50s and 60s, he started writing cookbooks and hosting cooking shows.

What?

Very, yeah, in a very like earnest way.

Like, he wasn't doing a ton of spooky stuff in them.

He just wanted to like

cook.

So,

here is a TikTok of one of Vincent Price's cooking videos.

He is making a souffle and showing off his new oven mitts.

Matt, can you play this?

Oh, look at the gloves I got today.

I have pajamas to match, of course.

Now, get the souffle out.

Hold your breath.

Oh,

it's a poem.

It is a thing of beauty.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Well,

just remember how clever I was, and of course you can make one like that.

What a charming man.

It's a poem.

It is a poem.

It's a thing of beauty.

I love that he has pajamas, of course.

Of course, you'd need to be a little bit more.

To match the little club.

I think it's a loving mitts.

Yeah,

this is a delightful clip.

Maybe one day, instead of a movie, we'll just watch old Vincent Price cooking videos.

I love it.

I mean, I've never made a souffle.

Oh, hell no.

There's a whole bunch of things that people used to cook all of the time that just are, you just don't see them anymore.

Souffle is.

Sam's Casino.

What's that?

I don't know, but I know no one has eaten it since 1965.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of canned stuff.

I got an old cookbook from my grandmother, and I was like very excited.

And it was like, it was like a community cookbook of old Jewish recipes.

And I was like, oh, this is great.

And, you know, I did get in touch with my roots.

And I opened it up and it was just like can of beans, can of meat.

And I was like, well, there's a lot of canned stuff here.

Add sand, yell at bowl.

Yeah, exactly.

What?

Yes.

Disgusting.

Yeah, just gross.

I find that whenever I kind of look at old recipes like that, they all seem to start with just a full can of cream of mushroom soup.

Yes.

Worst soup.

Yes, yes.

But the best green bean casserole ingredient.

Yeah, I could see that.

Listen,

I'm grossed out by the mushroom, and so obviously a soup made of its cream does not appeal to me.

No, just the whole idea of a cream of blank.

You shouldn't be creaming stuff that's not already cream.

I don't want any viscous solutions in my throat.

I don't know about that.

There's some fetishes out there that lead to, you know,

keep shame, shame, but those fetishes are wrong.

God is crying, and

people that engage in them should turn to church.

Well,

listen, I've turned to church, and it's it ain't doing shit.

They got cream of mushroom there, too.

They got cream of Christ, is what they got.

Don't cream Christ.

Christ is to be worshipped, not cream.

Shut up and eat his body.

I just remembered that my family, one of,

you know, this would definitely be on my last meal I ever eat kind of.

We have this sausage egg casserole that we eat every year for Christmas, Christmas Day, but we pretty much just eat it every time I come home at this point because we love it so much.

Yeah.

And it involves layers of shredded white bread,

eggs, cheese, and then like.

broken up pieces of Jimmy Dean's sausage, but there is cream of mushroom soup to like congeal it all together and it slaps.

Is it just a binding agent?

It's a binding agent for sure.

But I promise you that this casserole slaps.

And you know what?

I've never made it by myself.

Well, I've never made anything in our kitchen because my parents and my sister will not let me.

I could say that.

Yeah, they don't let.

I'm actually an okay cook.

It's not that you're bad at cooking.

It's that anything can happen when Emily's in the kitchen.

It's true.

And it's not a very big kitchen.

So it's like, and I did make a chicken for my parents once, and my dad took it and put it back on the stove because he said it wasn't cooked all the way.

I know it hurt really bad.

He's like, he's like, Emily, it's pink in the middle.

It's like, oh, no.

Yeah.

And then you said, we're all pink in the middle.

There you go.

Yes.

Yeah.

What would Cream of Christ do?

Okay.

What would Christ cream?

WW.

WW.

What would Christ cream?

What would Christ cream?

WWCC.

There you go.

We should do WWCC bracelets, you guys.

That'd be so cute.

Absolutely.

I wore my WWJD bracelets as anklets.

That's what I did in high school.

I'd stack them.

Anyway, so I'm going to make that casserole by myself, and then you guys are going to taste test it eventually on the show.

I'm going to challenge myself.

I got to get the recipe from my mom and my sister, but it's really good.

There's a a lot of good recipes like that.

But I was, oh, we could do a Vincent Price style cooking

thing about it.

Yes.

Oh, it is a poem.

That's what I'll say about it.

It's a thing of beauty.

It's a poem.

Well, hey, speaking of poems,

what is a film, but a poem you watch?

Wow.

Interesting.

And No Sferatu is a famous, historically significant film.

Had y'all seen this?

There's like 10 versions of it.

Have y'all seen this?

No.

Did y'all see the remake this year?

I did.

Yeah.

No.

Was the remake,

did it have more words?

Yeah, I could hear it.

It was crazy.

It has one fuck.

And then

someone says fuck.

It would be really funny if in this movie it was all silent, except for one part where Nosferachu just got it.

As soon as she gets bitched, she goes, fuck.

I'd be like, what the hell?

It's called The Fuck Cut.

There's a lot of

this movie.

Yeah, I saw in the theater.

I got to tell you, it's just as slow as this movie.

The pace is similar.

Wet sticks.

I don't know.

I just made up a saying.

But yeah, it's this one.

So I watched.

The free with ads one on YouTube is the one like when you go to the free with ads section on YouTube, it's it's listed there.

But the music that's layered on it i guess there was a lot of

issues back in the day when this came out um bram stoker's dracula the wife or whatever of the author yes like sued the holy shit out of the people who made this and they said they destroyed the movie but somehow they got it back but then the music i guess was something that has not been restored to the film so people just put music on top of it yeah so this is our first public domain movie we've watched which is kind of cool that we've been doing a free movie pod for this long and we're now just getting to a public domain movie so yeah there's a lot of different edits out there some people have colorized it so you know yeah there's there's there's yeah so many different versions of this movie hanging around and yes emily as you mentioned i had always kind of wondered oh i wonder what came first dracula or this so they wrote the bram stoker wrote the novel dracula and this movie ripped it off just straight up ripped off the plot and then changed the names to sound more German.

Yes.

Yeah, anyway.

But the thing that I noticed, so the one that is in the Free You With Ads section has the music on top of it is so bad.

I feel bad for whoever made it.

Great job.

That's a lot of work to put it all over this.

But it's just a lady going, ho, ho,

the whole thing.

And I went, fuck nope.

And I went on Reddit and found another edit.

And this, this guy,

and I'll list the one that I found because I think it was really good.

I think that the music, he tried to find pieces of the symphony that was originally

on the thing.

Yeah, yeah.

And like clobbered a bunch of different composers' music together to make it work with the movie.

It was pretty good.

And it was scary.

And it was very good.

So I'll list that version for you guys.

The one I watched was on Canopy, the library app.

And the music's gorgeous.

The music's really gorgeous.

I don't know if it's this cut you're talking about or if it's another one, but yeah.

So this guy that did it really striking.

The guy who did it is, he has a YouTube channel, and this is the only video on his YouTube channel.

And he has 26 followers.

I synced it with Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon.

Yeah, bro.

Honestly, that's great.

I think that sounds good.

Yeah, when, like, you know,

Notes Feratu is sneaking up on the girl at that one point.

That's when money starts playing, and it just works, you know?

I synced it up with my favorite album, and right as Nosferatu is emerging from the ship, you hear ball with the ball and a banger.

Bang, the bang.

Anyway.

Well, yeah,

let's talk about this thing.

It begins, as all horror movies should, with archival information about the print that they're using.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, the one I watched had a bunch of information about where they got the print and kind of what they're using.

Very, very, yeah, very dry.

Does not set the scene to be scared.

Does not help the mood at all.

But I think if you're watching this, you're probably just kind of there because you're a film fan and you want to see this thing.

You're not looking to actually be scared because

you will not be.

Anyway.

Well, there's a couple of moments.

Yeah, it is very creepy and like you can understand why the like images endure, you know, like

I feel like if if you've not seen this movie, you've seen little stills from it on band flyers.

I feel like I saw a lot of band flyers.

Muppet babies.

Yeah, when Muppet Babies opened the closet.

I feel like Last Action Hero is when I there was like a scene in Last Action Hero where

they showed a little Nosferatu, and I was like,

That looks like a scary movie.

I actually

before watching this, watched a really great YouTube video that ranked every single episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark.

Yeah, as you do.

And there's the Phantom of the Megaplex or whatever, and Nosferatu comes out of

the movie and like chases this kid.

And so they referenced that movie in that episode.

And I was like, oh, fuck, that episode is so good.

Are you afraid of the dark was so good?

I might be thinking of that.

Maybe that's what I'm actually thinking of.

Yeah.

Was I think I'm thinking of that episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?

That's why.

Yeah, I don't know when this entered the public domain, but yeah, maybe this is why you see so many clips of this movie, because you could just use it for free.

But yeah, anyway,

we get a little bit of the overture, so we can hear some more of that great music.

Depending on which video we watch, it could also be terrible music.

Oh, bad.

Bad, bad.

We get a little information.

Then we get a little table setting.

The fucking first card we see.

Setting the table goes fucking hard.

Here it is.

Nosferatu.

Does this word not sound like the deathbird calling your name at midnight?

beware you never say it for then the pictures of life will fade to shadows haunting dreams will climb forth from your heart and feed on your blood yeah pretty lit that's pretty cool hell yeah man it's like slipknot but a mood yeah

uh so we meet our main characters we have hutter and he's getting i hate that name so

pretty terrible name and i guess also sometimes uh i guess there's different cuts of this movie where their names are different anyway it's just something I learned from.

Ellen is her name in the new Nosferatu.

Yeah, so

I think Hutcher and Ellen are our main characters.

Ellen is playing with a cat,

much like the character in the remake does.

Fun fact that cat is still alive today because no cats ever die.

Oh, that's

awesome.

She has some flowers that died, and he kind of comes over and is condescending to her and gives her the weirdest hug of all time.

He like grabs her head and like pushes it into his sternum.

Yep.

And she's kind of making a what the hell face.

I don't think this movie is ever trying to be funny.

It is very funny to watch some of this now

because it's all so presentational.

It's a silent movie.

I'd say that Hutter is like,

I don't think he's intentionally funny, but he's supposed to be kind of a doofus.

Yeah,

like he's kind of just this simple

man who's really sweet, but he's got a wife that, you know, she's not, I wouldn't say difficult, but she needs attention.

All right, sure.

You need to bang your wife.

Like, bang your wife.

Get banging, hutter.

And then don't leave town and bang your wife.

And I don't think she gives a shit about being rich.

Just bang your wife.

Yeah, she just wants to be banged.

So he works for a guy named Nock, who is a real estate guy.

Nock gets a letter that is just covered in weird symbols.

I think they're wingdings.

I think this is where wingdings came from.

It's so funny looking at somebody.

It's pretty goofy, Lorenz.

It reminds me of like, it's always sunny in Philadelphia when you see Charlie trying to write a sentence and it's just symbols.

Yeah.

Because

he can't write and is illiterate.

It's just a very funny piece of paper.

And we're all supposed to understand that something evil is afoot, but it's just like someone drew a house.

There's little children's drawing of a house on it.

He wants house.

House now.

Well, there's, and it's Renfield.

The creepy guy that he, like, uh, that Hutter goes to talk to about this job or gig or whatever, that's Renfield, right?

I mean, like their version of Renfield.

I don't know what, I don't know what the one-to-one is on all these things.

I think that we could safely say that that is the representation.

Yeah, I guess because he helps him eat people.

And he's also crazy.

Yeah, so Nock, I guess from receiving this letter just goes insane.

Yeah, there's a big insanity scene in the new one that's that's very crazy and goes pretty hard.

This version of Renfield in this movie was the scariest part of this movie.

And we'll get to more of it later because there was one scene I was like, this guy freaks me the fuck out.

Nose for a two.

He had little pool cues for legs.

I don't, like, I'm, you ain't going to get me.

Yeah,

knock is the first insane eyebrow character we meet in the movie.

There are tons of them.

If you like giant glued on eyebrows, oh boy, you're eating good in this movie.

So, you know, like the plot of Dracula, because that's what this is stolen from, Hutter has to go try and sell a house to not Count Dracula, but Count Orlock.

And we know he's a weird guy.

Then people kind of just start making blood jokes to Hutter.

Yeah, that's also something I wondered.

I'm like, how well known is the vampire mythos in 1922 1922 where people are like, it will take sweat and a bit of blood to sell the house?

Yeah, anyway, but I guess people knew that vampires drank blood.

I don't know.

Well, probably from Bram Stroger's Dracula.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

I wonder.

It's been a while since I've read Dracula.

I wonder if they make those kinds of jokes in that.

I don't know.

Anyway, I want to read it.

The movie assumes you've read Dracula.

That's very funny.

Sure.

I mean, what else were these fucking people doing?

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We've all read this.

Yeah.

There's only four books.

yeah there's one movie there's one movie ever also i was thinking this is gonna make me sound really dumb

but while i was watching this i was just like okay so we had the camera before sound like it was you know site documentation yeah but and you couldn't have and i was like how do cameras work okay so that's where that's what we're asking i just was thinking like don't you

dumb i don't know how it works it's that's just magic get it.

Like, how did we figure that out?

How did people figure out how to make a camera?

I know that, like, the you know, the still photos and everything, but just like being able to take something

that you're looking at and make it documented, it's crazy, you guys.

Listen, I know, and I know this is old, but fucking magnets.

How do they work?

Fucking literally, though, how do they work?

Definitely, these are all miracles.

Miracles, ICP, ICP said it best.

So, he so Cutter goes to the little Dracula village and he slams, he slams a flag in a mead and he yells about where he's going.

And I love that he just like chugs a spear and he's like, I'm going to Count Orlock's house.

Yeah, that's me at fucking Buffalo Wild Wings.

I'm going to Target later.

After I finish these nine tequilas,

I'm going to go in for two things and spend 50 bucks.

I'm so lonely.

Yeah.

That's what I do at every bar.

I'm alone.

Anyone want to accompany me to the Dracula's house?

I don't know.

I make friends with everyone.

So, you know, people make a bunch of creepy blood jokes to him.

They say to, beware of the werewolf.

Yes.

So they cut to, I think it's a hyena.

It is a hyena.

Yeah.

So which is just running around, and this does not come back.

This does not enter into the plot.

And I'm like, oh, there's a werewolf here, so they're going to fucking fight, right?

I mean, and then, no, they just see.

Yeah.

At the very least, they're gonna fight over a girl, sure, right?

Like in Twilight.

Well, part of me thought maybe the hyena was uh the count's like guard dog type thing, like maybe this is like a hound of hell type thing where he's got like this is the guard dog, or like he fetches corpses for me or something.

But it creeped me the fuck out that hyena.

Its eyes

were like the reflectiveness of the eyes and the camera and stuff, and the herky jerky movements and things.

I was like, ooh, this is creepy.

This is like a nine-inch nails music video.

I love it.

Yeah, so definitely, so this hyena.

So I think there's also an element of this of like, and I think we see this later on in the movie where you just see through a microscope.

I think there was an element of movies here where it's just people just wanted to see a thing.

It's just like, the first movie is just a fucking train coming at the screen or a horse running.

All the legs go off the ground.

It's just like people just wanted to see something.

So it's like, hey, look at that.

And so it didn't have to enter into the plot.

You just, as long as you're you're not going to be able to do it, they had a footage of a hyena that like someone took, and they're like, well, we got to get this in somehow.

It's like a werewolf.

Yeah, they're like, but people will know it's a hyena.

No, it won't.

It's 1922.

Most of the people we know are dead from Spanish food.

But also, there's something creepy about it because it's not supposed to be there.

I don't think hyenas exist in what Transylvania.

That feels like

a desert dog, doesn't it?

I think it is a desert dog.

And I think what I think this was, I mean, this is, I can't imagine there were like animal rights people on set.

I bet

it was just they probably killed that thing right after they shot it.

Yeah, sure.

They shot it, then they shot it.

Animal rights dogs.

Women just barely got the right to vote at this point.

Sure, yeah.

No animal rights.

Yeah, they're throwing rocks at this thing to get it to run across the camera.

So, yeah.

So, you know,

Hutter gets to Count Orlock's house.

He reads a book about vampires where he kind of gets some of the vampire lore.

Something in it was that they live in coffins filled with ashes from the Black Death.

That's cool.

Yeah,

that's rad.

Oh, wait.

Can we talk about

So when he's like, he's taking a carriage to get there, but then the people who are driving him are like, we're not going any further because that place is haunted.

So he leaves on foot.

And then Count Orlock Orlock in disguise,

in disguise, which I think, can that be the worst hat?

The worst hat.

My worst hat was also in this scene.

Our boy Hutter.

Yeah, he's got an ugly hat too.

He's got terrible hats.

A lot of bad hats in this.

It's wearing just like a baker's cap, like he's the mascot of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

It kind of looked like the come on Eileen hat, like the guy was wearing in that music video.

Yeah, a lot of bad hats.

Yeah, but like Orlock is picking him up.

And the thing is, I think lighting back then, that's tough.

So you can't tell if it's day or night.

So I just assumed, oh, this vampire can just be out in the light.

Yeah, I think it can, though.

No, because that's how he dies.

Maybe that's what the hat does.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

The hat

kills him.

He dies later because he doesn't have the hat.

I thought maybe the hat was protecting him, too.

I don't know.

But yeah, that was super funny funny and weird where it's just like, you know, he's got a mustache and a monocle on or something like that.

Oh, you'll never know it's me.

It is I, just some dude.

Yeah, exactly.

It's me, Brian Smith.

Yeah.

Yeah, so, you know, they're wearing bad hats.

They're, they're driving around in a carriage.

At this point, again, I think we all probably watched a version with different music.

I heard a little, a little piece of the music go,

I'm like, is this the X-Men music

that they steal the X-Men theme from this?

On the, on the, um, okay, when we post this below, let's put our links for like the Jordan edit, the Emily edit, and the Matt edit, and show the ones we watch because I want to watch yours, Jordan, and listen for that.

Because

I gotta hear it.

A little, little, yeah, a little, little whisper of a familiar tune.

Anyway, he gets to Count Orlock's.

They have like a weird dinner.

I'm like, what is he eating?

I think he's just eating triangles.

They're just a plate of triangles.

I'm like, what is this?

So, you know, they're just munching on some triangles.

Count Orlock's not eating anything.

The guy tries to cut some bread, Hutter, and then he cuts his hand, and Count Orlock goes crazy because of the blood.

Sucks on his fingy.

Yeah, sucks on his thingy.

It's pretty cool.

You know, yeah.

I mean, you're wondering at that point if he's scared because he's a vampire or if he's just like, you know, low-key feels violated by some man sucking on his finger.

Yeah, and he kind of like acts like the next day, he's like not phased by it.

And I'm thinking in his brain, he's just going, oh, I was being culturally insensitive.

Yeah, Transylvanians suck on his fingers.

Finger sucking is like a thing.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, it's how they greet their guests.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Take your shoes off at the door and let me suck those fingies.

Exactly.

So Hutter like goes to sleep, like just sitting up in a chair.

That's weird.

And then so he gets up in the morning and writes and writes,

writes Ellen a letter where he says, I think I got a mosquito bite.

It's two little marks on the side of my neck.

Because when you, when you write your wife, you want to tell her what the configuration of the mosquito bite you got is.

My favorite thing is we don't see this

stupid letter once, but twice.

We got to read that twice.

Like later on, I'm like, okay, I don't, this fucking mosquito bit, like, somebody thought they were really doing something.

It is, it's crazy because, again, you wonder, like, how,

I don't know, in the zeitgeist, how well known our Draculas are, like, you know, vampires, right?

Do people know this?

Or was this a twist?

Like, were people like, I thought it was mosquitoes the whole time.

That's crazy.

But he also has those teeth that are the two front ones.

Yeah.

The pointy, sharp ones.

Yeah.

Which I'm glad we got rid of that.

That is not cute.

It's not sexy.

Not cute.

Imagine Robert Pattinson if he had the bunny teeth like that.

That would be great.

That would be great.

So the vampire in this is very rat-like.

He's like a rat guy.

For sure.

He's a rat guy.

That's like the cool thing these days.

Yeah, everyone's going to be.

He's a rat guy.

The first rat boy.

Yes.

Nosferatu is the first rat boy.

Yeah.

Nosferatu walks so Timothy Chalamay could run.

That's right.

That's right.

The first rat boy.

Anyway, so also kind of they go back to Lucy who's like sleepwalking, right?

She's like in a trance.

She's about to like walk off the balcony.

This is kind of the thing that the like Robert Edgar's movie makes a meal out of, right?

That's the story of that movie is like the vampire, you know, bewitching her from across the ocean or whatever.

Yeah.

Anyway, Hutter's running around the castle trying to escape the vampire.

He falls out a window.

We go back to his hometown where some guys are studying Venus flytraps.

Again, that's another

show something in a movie.

Yes.

Yeah.

And then he shows the, you mentioned the magnifying or like

the microscope.

Which that was kind of, it was like, wow, I'm really seeing something.

Like, it was pretty cool.

Yeah, it's definitely like, you can see why this blew minds and why this is like a, you know, creepy image movie that that like a goth bar puts on now.

Oh, yeah, it's because it all all works.

Um the real estate agent, as we mentioned, is going crazy from the wing dings letter.

Um,

so Hutter kind of wakes up in this like hospital and kind of heads for home where there's a plague.

It's kind of like

cool how people are just going insane and there's a plague because of this vampire.

None of it's really explained, but it just kind of like adds to the thing of like, what powers does this guy have?

Yeah.

Do you ever think about like, and this is, you know, this isn't great.

I don't want to be in a hospital and I don't want to be sick, but sometimes I just like want to have a reason to be asleep for a long time and then people wait on me.

100%.

I want to wake up in a bed with a lady who's a nun and a nurse, dabbing your forehead with a claw.

Yes.

And going, you should stay in bed.

And I go, oh, oh, but I can't.

I mustn't.

Have a spoon.

I mustn't stay.

You need your strength.

You need your strength.

Yes, that's true.

For the family I don't have.

I'm a woman who does nothing.

I would love it.

That does sound nice.

So Count Orlock is like

mailing himself back, basically.

He's in a coffin on a boat.

This is in Dracula.

This is, did anybody see that movie from a couple years ago, The Last Voyage of the Demeter?

I want to see it.

So that's great.

So it's a movie about this.

It's a movie set in this part of the story where it's just about the guys on the ship who have to transport Dracula.

It's a really neat movie.

I think it kind of

came and went pretty quick.

But if it looked cool, like, I remember seeing the trailers for it and going, that looks scary as shit.

It is.

Yeah.

It's super, super well made.

And yeah, just a really kind of creative idea on how to do a Dracula story.

So yeah, if you're

stuffed up.

If it's ever free with ads,

Matt can use his drop again.

Hell yeah.

And then we can watch it.

I need reasons to use that drop.

Yeah, yeah.

We all want to hear the drop again.

It's all we want.

Yes.

So, so Hutter is back, and the little, you know, I don't know what to call these things, the title card, the dialogue card, whatever, the card that comes up with the words

says, it is difficult to say how the weakened young Hutter returned home.

It's like, you're the one who says it.

Yeah, it's like, you're the narrator.

Explain how.

Like, I don't know how he got back.

I think it's, and it's acknowledging we realize it's weird that this guy who fell out of a window and was in the hospital got across the ocean at the same time as a ship that had been sailing for a while.

Forever.

But he also said when he was getting out of bed, and she was like, you shouldn't get out of bed.

Best line ever.

And he goes, I must get there the fastest way possible.

And then we never find out what that is.

They were really concerned about that.

The narrator truly knows, what is it?

You can make up anything.

Yeah.

You're the one in charge of putting the letters on paper.

Just arrange them in a way that writes words that say, say how we got back.

Yeah.

A humpback whale?

You just kind of attached himself?

That'd be cool, huh?

Yeah.

Flu on the back of an eagle.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Like Lord of the Rings.

I mean, a dirigible, maybe.

They could have maybe a dirigible.

A dirigible would be great.

Explanation.

Yeah.

Got a portal from a crystal.

Hell yeah.

Well, anyway, so

Hutter is back,

and we are about to see the havoc that Count Orlock has wrought on the area where Hutter is from.

And we're going to talk about it right after this.

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I'm Jordan Morris.

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We were talking about Nos Furatu.

So, yes.

So, Count Orlock is on, I don't know, I don't know what country hunters.

I guess Germany, whatever.

Probably.

Probably Germany.

Everything in this movie is real German.

There's a plague, and everybody has to say inside.

They're probably making sourdough and playing Animal Crossing.

Do you remember the pandemic?

Do you remember the pandemic?

People still like hearing about that.

We should mention it every time we think of it.

Sourdough, Animal Crossing.

Anyway, let's just fucking shut up about that.

It didn't even happen.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, in case everyone listening didn't know we were millennials,

that's us.

Now you know.

I'm a girl boss.

My house is a girl boss.

I call it the Pandobe or Pandoodoo or whatever because I don't want to say the real thing.

Is that a millennial thing?

Apparently so.

there's

a can I tell you guys some hot goss?

Oh, please.

Oh, yeah.

Here's the thing.

Starting out, I don't want anyone to give this person shit.

I won't.

Okay.

I totally respect their opinion.

But on TikTok, somebody, Michaela told me about this because Michaela's got all the goss.

Michaela, friend of the show, very friendly.

Friend of the podcast.

There's somebody who made a TikTok about how much they hate watching the crew on Good Mythical Morning.

I know.

And they reference.

That's us and some other people.

I know.

And they referenced like how someone called the pandemic a panini.

And they're like, ugh, millennials and like millennial humor.

And I was like,

that was probably me.

Genesy is so mean.

What are your jokes, Jen?

Yeah.

Busters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you say?

Poggers?

Well, here's the thing.

Most of their jokes are about us.

So it's like, y'all are busy obsessing about us.

Yeah, why are you so obsessed with us?

We've got our own jokes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

Don't make us turn on you like

Gen X did with us.

Everybody turns on us.

I don't care.

We can be a punching bag.

I'm doing okay.

But the punch.

I'm an exennial.

No one makes fun of me because it's so micro-targeted.

But yeah, they said that somebody said Panini instead of pandemic.

And I was like, fuck, that was probably me.

I don't even remember that.

That's a loser.

I thought people called the pandemic.

I never even heard people call that.

I heard pandemic.

Yeah.

But yeah, so there's somebody who doesn't like us, and quite a few people agree.

But

a lot of people, I'd say more, the majority, love us.

You know what?

I think it's probably at least 50-50.

Yeah.

And we take it.

Coin flip.

No matter what side you're on, we love you anyway.

We love you, no matter what micro generation you're from.

That's right.

Micropenis generation.

That's that millennial burn for you, baby.

Micropenis from all the microplastics you're eating.

Yeah.

You got a smaller taint because of microplastics.

I saw that on TikTok.

Because your mom can't stop chugging Dasanis.

Whoa, whoa.

Anyway, so, and what happens in Nosferatu?

There's a plague.

There's a plague.

Oh, yeah.

So the count moves in across the street from Ellen and Hutter, and there's this wide range of the plan the whole time.

I'm sorry.

There's this wide shot.

Oh, yeah.

He wants to buy the house across the street from them.

He's become obsessed with Ellen from a photo he saw.

He says, oh, your wife has a lovely neck.

Please tell me, Jordan.

Please tell me you're going to talk about him carrying the coffin all over the place.

Oh, that's pretty funny.

No,

he's just carrying this entire coffin, like just looking around, stopping, and then walking somewhere else.

It keeps, I would really like a supercut of the coffin carrying stuff, Matt, if you could do it, because it is so funny to me that he can, A, carry a whole coffin.

Yeah, very strong.

And with one arm.

He's just got one arm kind of holding it like it's a baguette.

And he's just like walking around with it.

And it's like, where's all your other shit, dog?

You had a ton of other stuff.

And he's out in daylight, too.

It's so confusing, guys.

Okay, you know, and I, and i know this is hack but it sounds like a this this super cut of the guy carrying the coffin could probably benefit from the benny hill music

i love it

again it's been done to death but some cases you still need it that one was really funny and then there's also him popping out of the bottom of the ship

and i'm gonna i took a bunch of screenshots and sent it to you guys because it's so funny it's like a little like a little prairie dog

little rat face peeking up and there's this shot of him from like across the street peeking out of the window.

And I'm like, oh, that is how I feel when I'm watching someone's Instagram stories.

Like, ooh, ooh, ooh, you went to axe throwing, did you?

How was that?

We're going to make

so many memes for next week.

I can't say it.

Anyway, so

it's Nosferatu, Count Orloc, whatever.

Why is this called Nosferatu if his name's Count Orloc?

Who the fuck cares?

He comes for Ellen, and that's when we get that kind of famous shot, that shot you see on the fucking band flyers and all the movie montages of the count with his fingers stretching out, the long fingers stretching out.

Emily, I'm going to give you the floor.

Fingering story.

I don't know.

Did you have a feeling about the fingers?

I just kind of assumed that maybe you had prepared something about the fingers.

I wasn't thinking about anything about the fingers during this because he's, I just don't think of Nosferatu as

asexual in any way.

He kind of seems asexual to me.

He seems like he's more interested in carrying his fucking coffin around and drinking blood.

He seems like an incel.

This is the kind of an it's interesting that, you know, vampires now have turned into sort of like a sexual metaphor in some way.

Right.

Yeah.

Because this is what, the first vampire movie ever, and he seems like an awkward incel.

Like he seems like he, in the scene where he's like, you know, eating with his triangles with Hutter,

he does look like he goes, Do you want to go to the basement and play World of Warcraft?

Like,

he does not seem like a.

Did I take you to my basement and show you my funko pops?

We have a limited edition, all gold

wolverine that you had.

I had to wait in line outside Spencer's gifts I only made five hundred of them and I'm having it graded

I have I am the one who's called North

I have the Simpsons Donut uh van Lego set

you want to play Pokemon Go with me I there is a charizard it's my friend code.

You can't trade or snorlocks with me.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut up, loser.

Well, my favorite thing is he, so he kind of, and he also gets in her bedroom at one point, you know, like,

just like in Twilight.

So it's like, I was just thinking about Nosferachi going, oh, so when Edward does it, it's hot.

But when I do it, it's gross.

Creepy.

This is why I enjoy Andrew Tate videos.

He tells me to

stop trying to impress women and be mean to them instead.

Edward is such a Chad.

I hate Chads.

Yeah.

She's not even good at playing GoldenEye on N64.

I will say, so the fingers are long, skinny, pointy.

And when it comes to finger banging, I think it's better to have like trimmed, clean nails.

Oh, shit, really?

Fellas who are listening.

Clean on my face.

Clean under your nails.

And egg under your nails, too.

Egg on my nails.

Yeah.

And yeah, I think that that's all you need to do.

But the long pointies, no.

Can't do it.

They didn't do it for me.

Fair enough.

Yeah.

So, yeah, this is pretty much the end of the movie.

Comes for Ellen, stretches out the fingers.

He drinks her blood, but the sun comes up.

The cock does crow.

That was something in the lore when the cock crow.

Yeah, I saw it.

Whatever.

The sun comes up, and then he disappears.

And then we get this very weird shot of her doctor looking sad, and that's the end of the movie.

So, yeah, that's Nosferatu.

Matt, you were mentioning you took a little trip to the comment section.

I did, and it is time for our wonderful segment that we do almost never comment section.

Comment section.

Yay!

Most of the time, you go into the comment section on YouTube.

I would say

90% of the comments are like, someone give the people at YouTube a raise who picked the movies.

You know,

and then the rest is just whoever the main actor is, everyone's saying this is their best movie.

This one, obviously, no one knows any actors,

and no one really knows anything about this movie.

So

it's pretty great.

So this is one from a guy named Joe Cruck says, I was going to pay to see this movie when it came out, but I figured if I waited about a hundred years, it would be free on YouTube.

I thought it was pretty great.

Uh, somebody nailed it.

Uh, someone wrote, uh,

this shit is probably scary as hell in 1923, uh, which is which is great because, uh, you know, I will say, I bet it was.

I saw a comment actually there probably was scary to them.

Well, the comment that, like, the pictures are moving.

That's scary enough.

Right.

And everyone's like, well, how does cameras, what is it?

Witchcraft.

But there's a girl in there who said, my great-great-grandmother told me, or great-grandmother told me that when this came out, people were like vomiting and running out of the theater.

Right.

Which is like what people say about any movie that's supposed to be the scariest movie.

So like Exorcist is one of those.

And then, I mean,

there's like a lot, I can't remember the other movies that people have been saying people do this over.

Yeah.

But I haven't, I've never,

oh, I did vomit once at a movie.

Okay.

But it was King Ralph with John Goodman.

You ralphed during King Ralph.

I ralphed during King Ralph.

I was with my granddad, Fleming, and

I just, I had the stomach flu and I threw up.

Unrelated to the content of the movie.

Yeah, no, I liked the movie, but it came out really funny.

Had to leave because I barfed.

Oh, it's not like when I described the first movie I ever cried in was Free Willie 2, but that was because my brother punched me in the face.

Nothing to do with Free Willie.

You did not care if Free Willie died.

Don't care about the whale.

Well, yeah,

now that we've explored the comment section, let's talk about who we were the most sexually attracted to.

It's time for our segment, Hunk Watch.

It's Hunk Watch.

I'm going to go.

So they introduce all the characters in this with their name and then comma and what they do.

And I was really into Harding, a ship owner.

Yeah.

The guy who owned the ship I thought was pretty hunky.

That's interesting.

That's interesting.

I like

any other hunks?

I'm going to go with Hutton.

I liked Hutton.

I thought he was really

Hutter, whatever.

Hutter, whatever.

Yeah, I thought he was cute.

I think he's good looking and I don't know.

There was something about him that I thought was sweet and charming.

He's kind of an art school guy, vibe.

Yeah, he was.

He also just seemed like he was having fun no matter where he was most of the time.

He would just go outside and be like, ha, it's the outside.

Like, it was, he was so excited about everything.

He did seem like a, like a happy-go-lucky guy.

Yeah, I thought he was cute.

Yeah, him.

I'd say him.

Uh, mine is

one of the guys at the bar who uh turns around with a warning look in his face when um Hutter says, Hey, I'm going to go over to that scary mansion over there.

Like, there's this big guy who turns around and he just gives him a knowing look and he says, Do not go there.

That guy seemed pretty hot.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Good advice, too.

Great advice.

Great advice.

Yeah.

Part of it.

He got good advice.

He's not sure not to go.

Yeah.

Oh,

he's not too drunk, you know, to give out bad advice.

So good.

Good for him.

I wanted to talk a little bit about the scariest moment in the movie to be.

Okay.

Yeah.

So creepy Renfield losing his mind in and out of an institution.

Like

he's in a cell and then he's not in a cell, but he and then he's back in.

But he escapes at one point.

I think this is when Nosferatu's ship is arriving.

He senses that his master is arriving.

He runs out of there and like...

People are chasing him for some reason.

I can't remember why.

And then they're all looking for him and then he's suddenly just on a roof.

And we're like, how the fuck did he get up there?

I don't know.

He's just off on this rock.

I have to say how he got up on this roof.

And he also, yeah, you should say, just say something.

And that's what happened.

All right, just say something, and that's what happened.

Yeah.

And then he's up there and he has rocks for some reason.

And then he's like throwing them at people below.

And then people start throwing rocks up at him.

And when they hit him, he does this like Herky jerky thing with his head when he's getting hit with rocks that's so creepy and sad and scary.

And I was like, this is really disturbing.

That was a very disturbing moment in the movie for me.

But

yeah, there's like scary, weird images.

And yeah, a lot of them like they have to do with like, oh, the photography's weird and it seems uncanny.

And people, anyway, so yeah, they're, yeah, a slow, strange movie to watch in 2025.

But yeah, definitely some like images that stick with you.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, actually, so we're already kind of talking about our final thoughts.

Let's take a little break and then we'll rank Nosferatu.

The Flophouse is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

Robert Shaw in Jaws and they're trying to figure out how to get rid of the ghoulies and he scratches his fails and goes, I'll get you a ghoulie.

He's just standing above the toilet with a harpoon.

No, I'm just looking forward to you going through the other ways in which Wild Wild West is historically inaccurate.

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We're talking about Nosferatu, and we are going to rank it on a scale of 1 to to 10 super loud commercials.

Emily, you're already kind of wrapping it up.

What did you think of Nosferatu?

I wasn't really looking forward to watching this.

I'm going to be honest, because it's a silent film.

You can't really do anything else while you're watching it.

You really can't.

You really can't.

And I watched it on the bus.

And

I looked like the most interesting person on the bus.

I am doing researching the history of cinema whilst on the bus.

Yeah, so I

found it to be incredibly slow, which, of course, the Eggers one is incredibly slow.

Like the, you know, the dialogue cards and stuff, the narration cards, people read slow as fuck in 1922, I guess.

I mean, I'm a slow reader, and I was like, all right, I think we got it.

Let's move on.

Also, the bedrooms in this movie.

No, the bedrooms.

Zero out of 10.

Not good bedrooms.

um

i

i think it it really got moving at like 40 minutes in and then i was kind of having fun because that's when he gets to the ship and then i'm like all right he's on the ship but like leading up to that i was like oh

but it it was you know i saw the the new one and this one and i felt kind of similar it was gorgeous um i thought it was like i don't know it's pretty gorgeous to look at it's really cool but do i want to watch it again no i don't want to watch it again.

I'm going to give it a six.

Okay, okay.

All right.

Man, what do you think?

Not Sferatu.

I'm going to be real with you.

This movie sucks.

I can see

Nosferatu sucks.

Nosferatu sucks.

I can see why Bram Stoker was mad,

took everything cool about Dracula and made it boring and shitty.

Yeah.

He needs to be fuckable.

Him not being fuckable, I think, was a cardinal sin.

So I'm going to give this a three.

Okay.

And whoever made it,

do better.

Yes.

I hope they're listening.

Do better.

In hell.

In hell.

Where you are.

Yeah.

Sorry.

He's in hell just being sued for this movie over and over again.

That's his hell.

Sure.

I changed the names.

What do you want from me?

I changed the names to German names.

Yeah.

Sorry.

So yeah, I,

you know,

a weird movie to watch in 2025, just sitting in your living room or on the bus.

But yeah, I think if you're just like interested in film stuff, it's kind of cool that this is out there.

I think with a lot of these movies like that we watch, like even if they're not great, it's like cool that they're available, you know, because I think so much shit disappears these days.

It's a drum that I won't stop beating, but I totally like it when we watch a movie.

It's like, oh, I wouldn't have gotten to watch this otherwise.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

I kind of, and I did really like the Robert Edgars one.

I was super into it.

So, yeah, kind of watching this was a really fun little like, you know, coded to the movie.

Again, if you're looking for a pure entertainment movie night when you're ordering takeout,

this perhaps ain't it.

But if you're, you know, kind of into horror movies and you're into film mystery stuff, really neat that you can just push play on it.

So yeah, I'm going to go ahead and give it a seven for archival reasons.

Yeah, that's true.

You're very good.

Flytrap was sick.

Sick flytrap, bro.

And the hyena was dope.

The hyena was dope.

The hyena was great.

The hyena was great.

Well, yeah, that's Nosferatu.

Let's talk about plugs for a second.

Anybody got anything they're stoked about?

I've got a thing that I still can't talk about.

Okay, it's coming.

It's coming.

It's coming.

I have a show thing that I will talk about.

Sick thing with a show.

Soon to be revealed.

It's dad.

I have something that I can talk about.

Ooh, talk about the thing you can talk about.

Oh, well,

it's the same thing it was last time.

I'm going to be at the Sacramento Punchline on March 16th.

And there's going to be a ticket link in the bio.

It is myself

and my wife, Francesca Fiorentini.

We're going to be co-headlining a Sunday over at the Sacramento Punchline.

Come to that.

It'll be fun.

Hell yeah.

And speaking of things we talked about last week, I'm going to remind people that I have a new comic book coming out.

It's called Web of Spider-Verse.

Woo!

New Blood.

You can pre-order it at your local comic book store.

It's got a story from me and artist Sumit Kumar where a Spider-Man is a vampire.

What?

I know.

It fits perfectly with today's movie.

There's some tracular references in it.

I think they're kind of cute and fun.

So, yeah, and I am signing this thing in a couple of places around the time of the release.

March 5th, that's the day it comes out.

I'm going to be at Arsenal Comics in Newberry Park, 5 to 6.30.

On March 9th, I'm going to be at Golden Apple Comics in Hollywood, 1 to 3 p.m.

On March 15th, I'm going to be at Cape and Cowell Comics in Oakland, California.

1 to 3 p.m., there's going to be some cool special guests at a couple of these.

So you can not only get a signed copy of Web of Spider-Verse New Blood, but some other cool books as well.

And if you're going to either Wonder Con in Anaheim or C2E2 in Chicago, I will be at both of those cons.

More information to come.

But if you're going to be at WonderCon or C2E2, I hope to see you there.

Okay,

yeah, that's it.

All right.

There, no Sriratu.

We watched it, and now the podcast about it is over.

Tune in next week when our movie will be

Cube.

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