Gladiator

This is Free with Ads, the podcast that asked the question: why pay 20 bucks to see Gladiator 2 in a plush IMAX theater when you can watch the original for free on your filthy laptop covered in cat hair and the grease from a dozen door-dashed little Caesars pizza cups?

I'm Jordan Morris.

And I'm Emily Fleming.

Is the pizza cups what we got last time?

What have we?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I got pizza cups on the brain.

Today's movie is Gladiator, the 2000 Oscar-winning epic that we're reviewing to try and get more dads to listen to the show.

Hey, dads.

Sorry.

Oh, hi.

Oh, yeah.

Matt's a dad.

I'm good.

Okay.

Thanks, Dad.

If enough of you subscribe, we'll start reviewing a bunch more World War II movies.

Just for you.

With us always is super producer and bona fide girl dad, Matt, giving us those good drops.

Oh, my God.

Yeah,

is that Keenan?

I don't know who did that.

It was like a famous Vine.

It was.

It was a good job.

Oh, Vine.

Now that was a social media website.

That was a real platform back when America was great.

I was really sad that, like, every time I go to Chili's with people, no one remembers the hi, welcome to Chili's Vine.

Nobody remembers it.

I also don't remember.

I don't know that.

I thought you were going to say bye because six seconds.

So

we'll put the hi, welcome to Chili's vine link in the

it's just a boy who's just wearing boxers and holding his arms like out by his side real weird.

And he just walks into a door and goes, hi, welcome to chilies.

See, that's that's that's social media right there.

Yeah, yeah.

What else do we need?

Nothing.

We just need that.

Bring back vine.

Yep, totally.

Oh, I have

the welcome to chilies vine.

Oh my gosh.

I mean, it's not worth like listening to.

Hi, Welcome to Chili's.

Perfect.

It's perfect.

Wow.

Yeah.

I already did a better job than that kid.

Yeah.

You kind of crushed it.

That kid.

Yeah.

Before we get into Gladiator, which is, as of this recording, streaming free with ads, we're going to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week.

Other free stuff.

Okay, Gladiator Mania.

It's sweeping the nation.

The sequel.

I cannot wait.

I can't wait.

You're stoked for G2?

Heck yeah.

This is one of those movies that, like, the whole family will, well, my mom won't see it.

She doesn't like violence, but

my dad will see it.

And that's, I like going to do anything with dad.

I predict this, the time, the fucking timing of this movie is impeccable because Thanksgiving is coming up.

The holidays are coming up.

We need.

a fucking down-the-middle movie to see with our families.

And yes, this is, this is perfect.

I, I probably will also see this with my family during Thanksgiving.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if my mom will go for it, but I think everybody's hunky enough in it that she'll be like okay yeah enough hunks um yeah

oh yeah

so excited to see denzel in a gladiator movie hell yeah yeah the uh i think i think as as with this movie uh i'm guessing that like

we'll have a very down-the-middle leading man for our lead and then the supporting characters will all be cuckoo bananas crazy people and i'm i'm really hoping that's the direction Denzel is going.

Yeah, me too.

So I, yeah, so I'm, I'm, I'm stoked for G2.

Um, they're doing, Ridley Scott is giving a lot of interviews about it, and he's a real like delightful interview.

He's a real like old Hollywood crank in a really fun way.

Nice.

Um, I remember there was this little trend for a while where

they would, someone would get an interview with a famous director.

They would ask the famous director who's like 70 or 80, what they think about Marvel.

And then the director would say that it sucks.

And then that would go viral because of like Marvel people fighting each other in the comments.

It's like, what are we doing?

Why do we need to know what Sidney Lament thinks about Marvel?

We don't.

Of course, he hates it.

What does Sophia Coppola think?

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

Did she like Quantum Mania?

I heard Marty Scorsese.

Better than Phase 3.

Yeah.

Marty Scorsese says he didn't like Eternals.

How dare

you?

Probably never even saw Thor, Love, and Thunder.

Martin Scorsese.

He's watching a trip to the moon on his projector anyway.

Yeah.

But they did, I noticed they did this to Ridley Scott once, and I got upset.

I'm like, why did they do this?

I'm going to read the interview and see.

like when they asked him about marvel and i went to the actual interview and no one asked him about it he just started complaining about it in the middle of another question what did he say oh i forget exactly what it was but the the director the interviewer just asked him about like, what was it like filming in Canada?

And he's like, Canada is lovely.

You know what fucking sucks is Marvel movies.

So

hell yeah.

Good for him.

So anyway, so he's doing interviews for Gladiator 2.

And I guess there's a scene in the second one where

they fill the gladiator arena with water and sharks.

And the gladiators have to fight sharks.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

I know.

I know.

Okay.

This is going to be bad.

No, sharks are cool, dude.

That's how you know it's going to be good because

now there's sharks in play.

Remember, before there was tigers, now it's sharks.

Where do you think?

You mean a predator that lives on the land?

Yes, that makes sense to me.

Yeah, but you got to throw them in the water.

You're thinking too hard.

Oh, this is why I don't invite girls to watch guy movies.

You think I'm the one thinking too hard?

They put Shark NATO in a gladiator sequel.

That's why it's cool.

This is thinking too hard.

So he's giving an interview with, I think it was Collider, and the interviewer said something about that not being historically accurate.

And this is what Ridley Scott's response was: You're dead wrong.

The Coliseum did flood with water, and there were sea battles.

Dude, if you can build a Coliseum, you can flood it with fucking water.

Are you joking?

And to get a couple of sharks in a net from the sea, are you kidding?

Of course they can.

Okay,

go to the sea.

With every question, they

Can you or did they?

Yeah, they get their super fast wagons and then like

get it to the water.

Oh my God.

I love it.

Good for him, though, for defending his really stupid idea.

I feel like there's not enough of that.

People need to be like, no, shut up.

You'll watch shark fights and you'll like it.

Sure.

Were snakes not available?

Like, what the fuck?

No, shark bigger and cooler.

More teeth.

More teeth than snake.

Yeah, shark has more teeth.

Make better movie.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah, well, let's start talking about the OG Gladiator.

Gladiator, and of course, I had to make a sting.

Now, I have two of them.

I don't know which is better.

So, here's Gladiator Sting one.

Give your opinion.

But there's also

what he's saying.

That's the one.

Yeah, number two.

Number two is my favorite.

It's the first time I was like, I'm going to edit the music part to fit the dialogue part.

Matt, you're taking the drop to strange new places.

Thank you.

Thank you for your constant innovation.

It's almost like you're taking the music and then filling it with water and putting sharks in it.

Exactly.

Yes.

You get it.

This is your Sgt.

Pepper, Matt.

That's right.

i need to get a sitar

yeah start doing acid make some drops on acid

this is my first time seeing this movie is it oh cool awesome uh yeah i'm i'm i'm i'll be stoked to hear what you what you thought about it i have seen i have seen this movie probably 10 times but i've only seen it all the way through once wow if that makes sense so i saw

clips right for sure it is like constantly on cable um yeah yeah, definitely like, and a good cable movie because you can just watch a chunk of this movie and have a good time.

Anyway, yeah, so yeah, this was my second time watching it all the way through.

Um, but I've seen, yeah, I've seen little bits and pieces of this like constantly since it came out.

Um, and yeah, it was fun to watch all the way through.

Um, okay, cool.

Uh, Gladiator, it starts, it starts with a crawl about the Roman Empire, some junk about the Roman Empire that I don't think really matters to the story.

Apparently, the empire is expanding.

Who knew?

I I pooped during this part, and I missed what the fuck war it was and what was going on.

You missed it.

And I just went, I'm fine with it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's Roman times.

War is happening.

Hot guy after helm.

Yeah.

Armor guys versus fur guys.

The armor guys are fighting fur guys, a battle as old as time itself.

So yeah, the Roman Empire is expanding.

We see some close-ups of hands on wheat.

That's an image we return to a lot in this movie.

hands stroking wheat.

Do you ever do that when you walk by like tall grass and stuff and then just do it with your hand and then have them

like just in your brain?

And I think about my dead wife.

Yeah.

Yeah, every day.

My dead wife.

My dead wife.

And small son.

He's also dead.

What are we doing?

Why are you Italian?

Oh, it's Rome.

Yeah, there you go.

I'm Italian borat.

Yeah.

So yeah, we see this hands-on, hands-on wheat.

We'll get that image again.

It's a big old battle.

Russell Crowe, he's the general.

They're going to, they're the armor guys.

They're going to fight the fur guys.

The fur guys

send their scout, the armor guys scout back

on a horse, but he's got no head.

Fucking cool.

Hell yeah.

We're about to watch a movie.

Russell Crowe's rallying his troops.

He says, what we do in life echoes in eternity.

This is a tattoo on the worst guy you went to high school with.

The worst guy you went to high school with has this tattooed on his back.

Oh, God.

Yes.

He has three kids that have gone no contact with him and he'll break his leg in an ATV accident.

What we do in life echoes in eternity.

So the troops are rallied.

They're pumped.

There's a big fight.

There's a lot of big fights in this movie.

And they win.

The armor guys beat the fur guys.

And then we go to the other set of characters, the fancy characters.

This is Joaquin Phoenix and Connie Nielsen.

They are brother and sister.

They're the kind of heirs to the empire.

They are riding around in a very decadent carriage and they are having sexual chemistry with each other.

I thought she was his mom.

Nope.

She looks older than him.

Yeah, and he's like such a little shit in this, too.

Like he presents as he presents as a, you know, young piece of shit.

So, yeah.

It does, and she, you know, and she is very like demure and proper and competent.

So she's very Cersei Lannister, kind of.

Yeah, totally.

And also in the sexual stuff, too.

Very Cersei.

Yeah.

Although she does not seem to be as into it as he is.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah.

She's, he's definitely the one sending out the

incest vibes.

I thought it was really funny.

As they were just lounging in this carriage, she's just fondling some herbs.

She has a handful of rosemary and she's just fondling it.

I guess, like, what do you do when you're riding around in a carriage?

It's got to be boring.

I kind of get it.

You're just going to fondle good.

Sure.

Better rub it.

If you like read a smut novel, you're going to get like, you know, carriage sick.

The Sega Game Gear was 10 years old.

Yeah, exactly.

Hey, yay, that hurts, Jordan.

The Sega Game Gear was soon to be invented, but before Game Gear, we just had to fondle herbs.

Emily, I thought this carriage technically counted as a bedroom.

What did you think of it?

It was gorgeous.

I mean, it's that carriage was gorgeous.

It's not going to go down in my like top rooms that I've seen.

It's not a bedroom all-timer.

I will talk about her jewelry and everything.

Like she had the coolest earrings that I've ever seen in a movie.

She looks great.

They went hard.

Yeah, she's absolutely beautiful.

I don't know what she's up to now.

I think I kind of, is she in the new movie?

So she's the only returning cast member in the new one.

I think the like gladiator is her son who's like getting revenge or something.

And yeah, she's she's fucking great in this.

She's around.

She's like Hippolyta and all the Wonder Woman movies.

That's right.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

She's like not aged a fucking day.

What the fuck, ladies?

Yeah, look.

yeah yeah so so stoked she's gonna be in the new one cannot wait

um there's a big party for all the army guys they did a great job russell crowe he can't get he can't wait to get to get back to his wife his son and his farm he's a wife guy he's a son guy jordan hang on hang on

i gotta pause for a second please yes

There's the Army guys.

They did a great job.

They're doing a great job.

I think you, I just want a movie where you are playing a general

job, Army guys.

Good job.

That was good war.

Good war, everyone.

You will all go back to your farms.

We all love our farms.

Now let's go around the tent and tell each other something we like about each other.

Have a drink out of a big cup.

We all deserve a big cup of drink.

I took

five different Capri sons, and I put them into a cup with a big straw.

So, yeah, army guys, they're having a fun time.

Russell Crowe, he's a simple man.

Wife, son, farm.

Wife, son, farm.

All he wants.

Wife, son, farm.

So, and then, so, you know, we

get to see across the, you know, across the battlefield, Joaquin Phoenix.

He's doing some like shirtless training, sword fighting.

So, you know, I think we're supposed to think, because the the big battle at the end is between the two events.

We're like, Joaquin Phoenix, he's not just a fancy boy.

He can kind of sort a sword fight.

He's just afraid of

an actual battle, but he is good at fancy sword fighting.

Good at fancy sword fighting.

Yeah.

It's kind of like how I took self-defense classes, but I can only defend myself if you come at me from a very specific angle.

And slowly, not fast.

Diagonally from above.

Yeah, exactly.

I can give you a Spider-Man kiss and kick your ass.

You can only fight Batman if he's pouncing on you from a gargoyle.

Exactly.

So, yeah, so Joaquin Phoenix, he's in line for the throne, and that will come up because the king, he's a dying.

The big old king of

Rome.

Marcus Aurelius.

Marcus Aurelius.

Come on, guys.

I don't want to be the only Rome guy here, but

I mean, Matt, we are guys, so we're we're always thinking about the Roman Empire.

Can't stop thinking about ancient Rome.

I love to think about the Roman Empire.

Wait, I thought he was Caesar.

I'm confused.

Well, no, there's Caesar is just at this point, it's just a title.

Yeah, you know, it's like it's

named after Julius Caesar because he was the first one

to be like, hey, nice republic you got here.

It'd be a shame if I turned it into an empire.

And then, and then it's how we call all presidents Obama now.

Yeah, it's like it's like how in the future everyone will be a different Trump.

Sorry, I don't make the rules.

I don't make the rules.

Now, Matt, we're not supposed to remind the listeners of the horrible outside world.

No, don't worry about it.

So, so the king, he's a dying, um,

and he's and he's whispering.

He's, and oh, the king, he can, he can

whisper, he's pronouncing all his W's.

Oh, this this man could pronounce a w jordan stop making everyone horny what is this voice i'm sorry i

just i just wish to tell the tale of a whisper i wish i wished i wish to whisper no i hate this

dude this dude can fucking pronounce shit i love it isn't he the original doubledore he is yeah oh

that's all i could see when he was talking i was like is he gonna talk about a vomit flavored jelly bean in a minute?

Well, it is ancient Rome.

They did have vomitoriums.

There you go.

There you go.

That's where they got the idea for the jelly bean.

Yep.

So he asks, he asks, he asks Mac, Max, Richard, Russell Crowe's character is Maximus.

He asks Maximus

what his farm is like.

And he's like, the soil is black, like my wife's hair.

And then they laugh.

Is that a fucking joke?

Like, is that a joke in Roman times?

No idea.

Your wife is filthy.

dirty dirty girl my wife is a soil woman

i married a soil woman

um i liked this scene a lot actually me too i love this scene and i love i love richard harris in this i think he's so good and and yeah it was it was i liked this movie a lot because A lot of times you're following the main character who is ambitious and wants to be the top of the heap or the ruler of rulers.

He just wants to have a comfortable, nice life with his family and he also

but he also wants other people to have it too he's a he's i mean is he a socialist i don't know oh for a socialist yeah a violent one but uh sure one nonetheless yeah

uh so yeah uh he and uh and the king uh marcus aurelius he emperor oh my god Sorry,

you know,

it's a king.

It's a Roman

Emperor.

The emperor.

You're a potato, potato you're right it's so many more syllables matt can you give him a break thank you i'm just trying to streamline things king sounds good

he's the rome king king of rome king of rome

he tries to like he tries to like make make maximus the the heir he he knows his son is a up and maximus doesn't want it like george washington he doesn't want it and that's why he's the guy for the job is because

um

yeah So, um,

but you know, he kind of like he kind of like warms to the idea of being the emperor at the end, um, but he will not receive that title because other things will happen in the movie.

Um,

anyway, so he goes, he kind of leaves, leaves, leaves the dying king, and uh, and then Lucia, the uh, the Connie Nielsen character, she comes out and uh, and has a little chat with Maximus.

They have we fucked in college energy.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

All history.

Ancient history.

All the ick that she has with Joaquin Phoenix

is like totally the reverse with him.

Uh, they're they're hot for each other.

Oh my God.

Um, they're talking about the like their current significant others to each other.

Like, you know, how's Bruce?

Like, how's Linda?

You know, it's a very what are you going to do to Linda?

Tell me what you're going to do to Linda when you're getting home.

You guys gonna fuck?

Oh, good for you.

But they, but they both know that she's dead, right?

He knows his wife is dead.

Oh, no, not yet.

Not at this point.

At this point, his wife is still alive.

But what's up with her husband, though?

Because

he's dead.

Yeah, so I think he died.

She's got her son.

Yeah.

Who Joaquin Phoenix's character do not like.

New

creepy creep uncle, he is.

But yeah, so continue.

Sorry.

Cause I have opinions about when he finds out his favorite.

Oh, yeah.

So

Joaquin learns that he's not going to be the emperor.

He's pissed at his dad.

He says, I would butcher the world if only you had loved me.

The fucking writing in this.

Yeah, that scene was really good.

It kind of like you feel a little bad for Joaquin Phoenix, and then you go,

no,

I don't.

It's like two seconds, and then you're like, nah, fuck you, dude.

So he, so he does this thing about, you know, and again, it's just because, you know, he just wants his dad's love, and then he like smothers him, and then he like gives him like a death hug.

And I wrote down in my notes, this is the most normal man Joaquin Phoenix has ever played.

This is as close, this is as close to John, as close to a normal man as Joaquin Phoenix.

I have to say, Marcus Aurelius did not help himself in this scene because, like, he's clearly destroyed his son, who clearly wants to be the emperor, and has probably been in some way expecting to be the emperor.

And then, as he's like, Why don't you love me?

You know, you know, all of my faults, you know, you,

all the virtues you like, none of them are mine.

And then he's like, If there's any, any fault with you, it's because I've been a bad dad.

You're a piece of shit because of me.

And I'm just like, You're not helping.

Like, you're making, you're making yourself really easy to kill right that's all i'm saying that's all i'm saying yeah yeah he does yeah he's like yeah he basically makes a case for the death hug yes he does and it happens so now no one knows that he wanted to promise the throne to maximus and

uh yeah joaquin phoenix uh makes you know does a does a play for the throne he has uh he has maximus like taken by the guards they like take him out to the edge of like the forest to kill him uh fucking bad move should have just killed him there whatever they take him

yeah yeah they take him out to the edge of the forest he asks for like a soldier's death and they're gonna like uh stab him through the back of the neck and that's what he's god is that what what the cut my head off like i don't know yeah maybe in the horrible maybe in the spines better i don't know oh no

I would just be like, can I have a soldier's death?

But like a veteran who's like dies of old age warm in his bed.

Right, exactly.

And they're like, well, well, he has is not a technicality.

I guess we have to let him die of old age.

I thought he was going to be like, can I have a clean soldier's death?

And he was going to start running and then they hunt him for sport.

Oh, yeah, that'd be

too.

Yeah.

He basically just like breaks free, fucks shit up, kills all the dudes, and he rides back home just in time to see his like wife and son getting killed.

The son is this little kid.

He's running out to the road because he hears horses and he thinks it's his dad.

And he just gets like knocked over by the horses.

It's very tragic, but like a little bit slapstick in a way where you're like,

it's be like, uh, if it were modern times, it'd be like, oh, daddy's coming home, and then he gets hit by a car.

Oh, would this count for that sting then?

Oh, it might.

You know what?

I'm gonna do it.

Horses are the cars.

They're the cars.

That's wrong.

Person in the road who the driver doesn't see.

Well, they do see accidentally.

Gets hit by a car.

Close enough.

Beautiful.

Yeah, yeah, close enough.

If the gladiator sting is your Sergeant Pepper, that's your revolver, I think.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Both good albums.

Terrific albums.

Terrific albums.

Anyway, so

the wife and the son get killed.

He is there to see his dead wife and son all strung up.

Very tragic.

I have a request.

Yes.

Okay.

So

I've seen this a lot more in movies nowadays, but I didn't realize that this movie had it in there.

I don't need to see Snot during a crying scene.

Oh, yeah.

Don't need to see

and Snott.

I've been seeing so many movies, and I think people

think that it adds something to the performance.

Like, wow, they're really feeling it here.

Feel it in a prettier way, please.

No more

into a tissue.

Yeah.

I mean, it's like Claire Daines is a fucking crier, but I don't see her snot bubbles or boogers.

Yeah, she doesn't.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

I don't know about that, but she does it good.

She conveys emotion really well.

Her chin goes nuts.

She has this twitchy chin.

Yeah, she's good at the cry chin.

Yes.

And so, can we not with the snot and the drool with crying scenes?

This is just, I'm saying this to Hollywood.

I know you're listening.

I love it.

They listen to this show.

Hollywood listens to the shows.

Yeah.

New merch.

Can we not with the snot?

No more snot.

Wipe your nose.

Yep.

So, yeah, he has a big old snotty cry about his dead family.

It leads you to your beloved farm that you love so much.

So there you go.

It's one out of three.

Whatever.

He's bummed.

He like, he goes out in, like, looking for, looking for the dudes, and he like passes out in the desert somewhere and he gets picked up by a caravan.

He wakes up, and there's a monkey on him.

We've all been there, am I right?

Fucking

freshman year of college, always waking up with the monkey in my face.

That's right.

Yeah, I date short guys.

Sure.

They always love bananas.

Well, they are

pretty.

Oh, my God.

I love a short guy who can peel a banana with his feet.

That's my

honestly, that's more talented than most of the the short men I've dated.

So

if you're out there and you've got prehensile feet, free with ads, mama's waiting

now yes.

God.

So he is like, he gets caught up in this kind of like slavery ring.

He gets sold to like a guy who organizes gladiator fights.

It's played by Oliver Reed.

He is fucking great in this.

I love this character.

I love this dude.

He's wearing a beanie that is kind of ugly.

I'm going to go ahead and call it the worst hat.

Yes.

The worst hat.

And speaking of the worst hat, you can go to maxfunstore.com and get our merch, including a hat that says the worst hat.

Anyways, okay.

So yeah, he's

organizing these gladiator fights.

Great, great character.

I love that he was a gladiator, but they just cast a little like squat guy.

I love that he just like did not stay in gladiator shape.

He's like, all right, I got my freedom.

Time.

I mean, that's what a football player is usually.

Right.

You're absolutely right.

Yeah.

So, yeah, he's he's terrific.

Yeah.

And again, like the most interesting character in this movie is like not the main character.

I think there's so much like fun acting and stuff in this movie.

But

okay, so they uh so now he's a gladiator.

He's in the he's in he's doing gladiator stuff.

Uh that's the title of the movie.

Uh he gets chained up to Jaimon Honsu.

Uh Jaimon Honsu, one of those great like love him and everything dudes uh they do a lot of fun team-up moves they're chained together they do some team-up moves in this fight pretty cool yeah they got each other's back there's

one point in which uh gmon's in front of maximus who is very much using

he looks like he's using him as a human shield where he's just like okay you hit him first uh but i assume that there was a team up move there if i was gmon i'd have been like hey,

get next to me.

This seems unfair, bro.

It kind of seems like you're hiding behind me, okay?

Not cool.

So there's that's his first fight.

We go to some stuff that's happening in the Senate.

Joaquin Phoenix is just being a little dickhead.

The sister is kind of really running things.

We go to another fight.

Russell Crowe is now just automatically famous.

Everybody heard about that first fight.

They love him.

They call him, he's the Spaniard.

Russell Crowe, obviously not Spanish.

Did we have to?

He's not, this isn't based on a real guy.

Just make him something that he might make him the Australian.

Make him the Australian.

Australia had been invented, right?

Was that Australian?

I mean, it definitely existed.

Sure.

God,

I don't think anyone would want to invent Australia.

Except for the British, when they need a penal colony.

Yeah, but it's just like, let's make a place with the scariest creatures you've ever heard.

Sure.

So, yeah, Russell Crowe, but he's the Spaniard, clearly not Spanish.

Whatever.

Anyway, so yeah, this is the fight where we get, Are You Not Such a Change?

Great line.

I think as creative people, we all kind of feel like that sometimes when you have to pitch an idea.

I want to do this.

Okay, TikToks now.

I got to do TikToks.

IP, should I adapt some IP?

Are you not entertained?

I want to do this every time I make a sting.

Yeah.

Every time I make a sting, it's like, are you not entertained?

That's

two minutes.

Everyone is entertained, Matt.

I can safely say that.

Emily, would you do that every time you tell a fingering story?

Just, are you not entertained?

No, I say that whenever I get fingered.

Fingering story.

There you go.

Boom.

It's just not fun for you.

So, yeah, this is, so, you know, there are a lot of just kind of like gladiator fights.

They're really like, I think at the time they were seen as pretty like brutal, it's pretty gory.

Um, I recently went to see Terrifier 3.

Have you guys heard of the Terrifier movies?

I haven't, I tried to make it through the first one and I couldn't do it.

So, uh, Jesse Thorne, my co-host on Jordan Jesse Go, his great podcast, great, thank you, thank you, wonderful podcast.

Both Emily and Matt never heard of it.

Check it out, Matt.

You produced it for a time.

Oh, right.

Um, it's out there.

So his, he has a kid that loves horror movies,

but Jesse and his wife don't.

So I like took his daughter to see Terrifier 3, thinking like,

oh, yeah, horror clown movie.

I've seen these.

I've seen it.

I can handle this.

The fucking shit that happens in Terrifier 3, I was like,

this is what my mom felt like when I played Mortal Kombat.

Like the shock.

I'm like, this is warping children.

I'm conservative now.

Yeah.

There's some, some, so,

so, like, thinking, like, when I, when we booted this up, I'm like, oh, Gladiator, that's the one with like the fucked up action scenes.

But, like, no, these are cute.

These are adorable.

Yeah.

Someone gets like cut in half at one point.

And I'm just like, oh, finally, some violence.

Sure.

It's been nothing but death so far.

I also like when a movie tells you that it's fucked up by having someone pee their pants before they do anything.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Because there's a guy waiting to go out into the Coliseum and he's peeing his pants.

And it's like.

I pee my pants.

I probably would pee pants too.

If I had to perform in front of that many people.

Yeah.

Honestly, before I pee my pants before we tape this podcast.

No, seriously.

I pee my pants so much now.

I feel like I need to like probably do Kegels or something.

When was the last time you peed your pants?

How recently have you peed your pants?

On tour, I peed my pants.

Really?

How much pants?

Okay.

How much pee.

It's a little bit, right?

How much pants?

All right.

Hang on.

I wear this kind of girdle shapewear thing that has a slit in the crotch.

So you have to like

mosey that slit over and your panties and then like and it's tight too.

This is like a tight body like sucking you in thing.

And for some reason, when I pee, it goes everywhere other than the place it's supposed to go.

I don't know.

Like, when I was a kid, I pee my pants a lot when I played hide-and-go seek because I get nervous that people are going to find me.

And so, I, you know, you do the thing when you're out in the yard or outside where you take your pants down and you squat and then you pee behind a tree.

But I could do the deepest squat, and then my pee would just go right into the pants that are around my legs.

I don't know how it happened.

I could hang up my pants, and the piss would go in up there.

I don't know.

Wow.

So, I peed my thing both nights, but, and I almost peed going out on stage because I get so anxious.

I'll get really nervous and then I'll like take a deep breath and do it.

And then I don't pee.

But I felt like I was about to pee.

Well, just have, just have it so they introduce you like that.

And now, peeing in her pants.

Emily Fleming.

Yeah, no.

And I also,

yeah, but I also like, I don't know, I pee when I cough too hard.

Okay.

Sometimes.

Maybe.

I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm no gynecologist, but maybe some Kaggles.

But yeah, probably some Kagles, but also, my pea smells pretty good.

I feel like

there you go.

Celebrate your pee, Emily.

Your pea is beautiful.

Thank you.

All women's pee is beautiful.

Everyone is going to be giving me Kaggle recommendations.

I could just, I feel like anytime women hear about this issue, they're like, oh my God, me too.

I got to tell you everything.

Emily, sometimes I think you hate your mentions.

You're like, what can I do to make my mentions more fucked up?

Listen, ladies, if you do have any like, you know, videos, Kaggle videos, and stuff, please send them.

I definitely need to send them to matt at mattleeb.com.

I will forward them.

Just kidding.

Send them to me if Sonic the Hedgehog is doing them.

And if he's pregnant.

I want to see pregnant Sonic doing Kaggles, making his pussy tight for his wife, Knuckles.

Knuckles like that.

Fingering story.

anyway

so

this is a movie podcast, yeah.

I guess

I guess, yeah, exactly.

Why does it have to be about one thing?

Can it be about Gladiator and Sonic Knuckles?

Come on, yes, it can.

It's a friendship podcast.

There you go, a friendship.

You're right.

Um, so, okay, uh, so he's so Maximus, he's famous now.

He's like the, he's like the top gladiator.

Everybody loves him.

He learns that if he, if he makes it high up enough in the gladiator battles, he will get to meet the emperor.

And that's when he's like, okay, I'm going to try really hard at being a gladiator so I can kill Joaquin Phoenix.

That's the plan.

And then we go back to the kind of Joaquin Phoenix Connie Nielsen story.

We learn that she has a son.

He's and he is constantly getting threatened by Joaquin Phoenix.

because like that's the heir.

So Joaquin Phoenix sees him as a threat, this like, you know, 10-year-old kid.

uh the 10 year old kid is sleeping in bed and he just goes up and starts sniffing him this guy's a nephew sniffer a dirty

so gross sniffer but also if joaquin phoenix would just marry someone and have his own damn son this son wouldn't be the heir anymore that's a really good point yeah go somebody dipshit like i know he only loves his sister That's true.

Yeah.

That's the only, the only woman for him.

Oh, yeah, because he tries to marry her at some point.

God, yeah.

So, yeah, Joaquin Phoenix is just being gross,

sniffing nephews.

There's a big fight with chariots later.

A bunch of cool stuff happens in that.

That was cool.

Yeah, there's an archery woman.

She gets chopped in half.

He rallies the other gladiators to work like a team.

He uses his general skills.

They all team up and use shields to knock over the chariots.

Fucking cool, really neat.

Yes, so he

like wins that battle.

He's got a mask on.

Joaquin Phoenix comes out, forces him to take off the mask.

And then they know that he knows it's him, the guy who he was supposed to kill, but didn't.

But he can't, Joaquin Phoenix can't kill him in the middle because the crowd loves him too.

The crowd loves him.

So he's going to go into a battle with like the old gladiator champ.

So this is like he's going to fight a big, big boss monster, just some big guy.

So this gladiator champ, I think he's the tallest person in the movie.

Tallest guy.

Hey.

He comes out on a horse that has all these little red dealie bobs on it.

I was like, is this horse supposed to be COVID?

You know how COVID has those little red dealie bobs?

Yeah, that's what it is.

It's supposed to be dressed as COVID.

Hey, horse, are you COVID?

What are you wearing tonight?

COVID.

Tap your hoof twice if you're COVID.

This whole plan by Joaquim Phoenix is so stupid.

After he finds out that,

you know, Maximus is this like, big, famous now gladiator, and it's like in one of the greatest scenes in the movie,

his reveal.

And then he's like, I can't believe he's not dead yet.

All these people lied to me.

All right, I've got an idea.

We'll stage another battle that he'll definitely lose

because the guy's super big.

And that's his whole plan.

He's like, don't worry, he's not getting through this one.

It's like, you know, he's really good at fighting.

Yeah, that's his whole deal.

Just poison him.

Send a snake.

He's doing all this other stuff, but with him, he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm just going to make a really cool fight for him to win.

Right.

And make people love him even.

Yeah, and then make my problem worse because the more he wins.

That's true.

But if he did like, so when he does fight him, he gives him a disadvantage.

He does eventually give him a disadvantage.

But also, that still doesn't work.

He has not learned.

Well, we'll get there.

We'll get there.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so this is cool.

This is the fight with the tigers.

The tigers come out.

They fight too.

This is really cool.

This is all practical.

This is like real tigers.

And when he has to stab one, it's a big like plush tiger that they throw at him.

I'm a little bummed thinking about the sequel.

It's probably going to be a bunch of CGI.

I love fucking real animals in a movie.

I know.

They really can't put any animals in anything anymore.

Even all of the dog movies that I see, like I feel like Call of the Wild that they did with Harrison Ford.

Oh, my God.

It was almost.

This is a fake wolf.

Yeah, it's a fake dog.

Yeah.

And hey, maybe.

CGI dog.

Maybe, you know, maybe, maybe,

hopefully trained animals are treated nicely in movies.

If they're not, I guess it's good that they're not in there.

I'm okay with CGI kids, but I feel like, I don't know, like, I assume,

like, with horses and stuff, that they treat them pretty nice because they're horse, they're delicate, you know, they're beautiful, they're majestic.

Yeah, they probably don't, guys, they definitely don't.

Yeah, probably not, yeah,

maybe it's better that they're CGI.

It's better, but it's still

cool when they're real, yeah.

Um, so yeah, his uh, so he kills the he kills the big boss guy.

Wait, I just realized something.

Yes, do you think that's why they have sharks?

Is so they don't have to pay for someone to draw fur on something in CGI?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's, I mean, yeah, I mean, I guess the Sharknado movies taught us that like sharks

to render in the world's shittiest scene.

Yeah, they're just smooth and slippery.

I think that's what it was.

You're right.

I was like, what's the cheapest animal?

Yeah, or it could just be a real shark with that they got a discount with.

Maybe they looked through it like an animal catalog and was just like, well, shark, shark pretty cheap.

It's like one shark.

They just got a screensaver from 1999.

We're paying Denzel Washington to show up to this one.

Yeah.

We need some cheaper animals.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We can't afford tiger anymore.

Denzel's in the movie.

Listen, Denzel's in the movie, so the gladiator's just going to kick a bunch of salamanders.

Sorry, that's all we can afford.

We can afford a plastic bag full of salamanders.

But there's a lot of them.

There's a ton of them.

There's a lot of them.

You don't want to fight 400 salamanders.

Sorry, Denzel gets 20 million to fucking show up and put on the road.

Everybody gather around to stop us of snails.

Yeah, sure.

He's gonna, he's gonna throw a woodchuck like a football.

That's the only thing that's gonna happen in this movie.

Okay, so he's so he's winning.

You're right.

They throw bigger and bigger stuff at him.

He kills everybody.

He meets one of his old army buddies.

His old army buddy comes out to like his

victory parade and he gives him a little

baggie.

And in that baggie, there's a little like carved action figure of his wife and son.

Hey, an action figure of your son.

Is that a Sunco pop?

Anyway,

fuck off.

So back in the, it is good.

Back in the

Senate story,

like Joaquin and the other like conniving senators, they're like talking about how they can like get rid of Maximus.

And he tells a parable of this.

And one of the senators tells him the parable of the sea snake that like lies in wait and it uh it lets its enemies come up and and and think they're eating it and then it strikes and joaquin phoenix says let our enemies come to us and nibble this is the grossest in the world he's a creep even when he's like planning to do some like violent thing yeah even just in a work meeting he's like and they will nibble us

well what

what's another word you could use to make it sound less bad

suckle the nom nom on us.

I mean, the problem is,

it's already, you know, the metaphor itself, it leads to nibble, but when he says it, have a little taste,

try a bite, a little nosh if you win, a little nosh!

You look so skinny, have a little bit of a pause.

Treat us like some tapas,

small plates,

pass them around.

Should I get some fries for the table?

Do you know how we do things here?

We all have.

We have small plates for sharing.

Two to three dishes should be enough for two people.

So, yeah.

So he's, he has this whole plan.

He does some creepy shit to his sister.

He like lays on her and breathes in her face.

And the fucking.

the fucking the fucking get this creep off me look on her face is so hilarious she really is uh yeah uh god bless her uh she's having to put up with this dude very creepy uh yeah it's really sad what my hunk watch is oh boy well oh i'm excited to get this hunk watch this is gonna be a juicy hunk watch

uh perhaps this will perhaps be the most divisive hunk watch of all time uh so

i don't have a brother to who wants to me so it's like you know it's a fantasy i mean it actually

i think It is funny how much all pornography has caught up to this movie.

No fucking shit.

I was thinking about that like in while I was watching it, I was like, What is this?

This has been going on forever, but now it feels like it is just in every subject of every porn.

It's just thrown in there.

It's got to be an algorithm thing.

I don't know what it is, though.

And it'll just be like tossed off.

You'll just see, like, oh, here's, here's two hot people having sex, and they'll be having sex.

And he'll just go, you're my mom, just really quick.

I have to say it.

I have to say, you're my mom.

Like, when it says step, I'm like, okay, fine.

You know, like,

at least least we know they're not related.

But people are weird, man.

That's still, like, kind of weird power dynamic thing going on there.

But, like, yeah, it's also just like when it's the step thing, I'm like, so you mean two people who are not related to each other?

Can we just?

Yeah,

those are just people fucking.

Can y'all just pour in each other and like, I need to go to sleep.

I need to come and go to sleep.

We're all just trying to get to sleep here.

Stop making me feel like I have some kind of Oedipus complex and shit.

I want to go to bed.

And maybe, hey, and this is an old man yells at cloud moment here, but what happened to the pizza guy?

What happened to the pizza guy?

Guy fix a table.

Guy fix a little bit.

Is it DoorDash?

Did DoorDash kill the pizza guy, porno?

Maybe.

Or maybe it's also like, I like pizza more than dick.

So when there's dick that goes in the pizza, you're like, don't fuck up the pizza.

So I guess, yeah, and the ones where they're putting their dick through the pizza, I guess you want to ruin a person.

That's what I think it is.

I would like it to be instead of a pizza guy, a guy who actually like fixes something.

Like if you fix my garbage disposal, that'll turn me off.

Oh, sure.

So in this porno, you actually get to see the guy relight the pilot light.

Then they have sex.

Yeah, he changes all the light bulbs in my apartment.

And yeah, and then cleans out my garbage disposal.

You know, it's funny you say all that because the garbage disposal porn that does exist, it is someone who gets their hand caught in a garbage disposal and then has

Well, I'm sure that that's calling something a garbage disposal is another thing.

You could call any hole that.

But I think what I really,

you know what?

But I think

who knows when and where will cut.

But I think basically I want a husband.

Yeah, it sounds like it.

So it fixes all my shit and I'll reward him with sexual favors.

Isn't that so much to ask?

You're just really turned on by the phrase.

Oh, here's your problem.

Yes,

and it's me every time.

So, we're coming up on the end of Gladiator.

It's all about the shit's about to hit the fan, the garbage is about to go in the hole.

We will talk about the thrilling conclusion of Gladiator right after this.

You know, we've been doing My Brother, My Brother, Me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back.

It goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcast.

We're back.

It's Free with Ads.

We're talking about the thrilling third act of Gladiator.

So Connie Nielsen Nielsen goes to visit him in his chambers.

They kiss.

Yes, we knew they were into each other.

It happens pretty hot.

There's a plot for him to escape.

He's going to go, like, meet his old army buddy, the one that gave him the action figures.

He's going to go meet him by the forest.

He's going to escape, but it's a trap.

Oh, no.

It's a trap.

They kill the army buddy and they capture Russell Crowe.

He's, they, they, they tie him up and he's about to go into his like final battle.

Joaquin Phoenix comes in and taunts him.

He's like, it's a very striking story.

The general that became a slave, the slave that became a gladiator.

Okay, I think we need a sting for when a very normal movie convention bothers me

too much, where I'm too mad about something that like happens in movies and it's normal and I should just fucking chill out.

Yeah,

trope.

Yeah,

sure.

I like specifics, though.

Give us the specifics here, Jordan.

Here's what I, here's, here's the thing that happens in this scene that I don't want to happen in movies anymore.

Okay, I don't want characters in movies to reference the story.

I don't want them to say, This is where your story ends, or you're not the hero of this story.

What the fuck?

We know it's a story, it's just like screenwriters putting all this importance on the importance of storytelling.

We know it's important, we like we're here.

You don't need to remind us of like, well, we'll need to see how this story ends.

What a what a fucking dumb thing to say to somebody.

Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on now.

I appreciated that because I had a hard time paying attention

to this fucking movie.

Oh, so you liked the recap.

Because I'm like,

okay, every movie.

For Emily.

For Emily, where someone sits down, looks directly at the camera and goes, okay, so far, here's what I had.

Yes, I would like that.

We got the general became a slave.

Slave who became a gladiator.

Oh, yeah.

Gladiator who charmed a nation.

Is it charmed?

And then who's this other guy?

But I will say that, like, all of the battle scenes, which I think are what people really like,

I tuned right out.

Like, I don't know.

I just.

Yeah, I mean,

I was like, cool, a tiger.

And then the brain just did what the brain does.

And I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a lot of like

and they're like a little samey, like, ah, this is the tiger one and this is the chariot one.

But I do, I do agree.

There's like a lot of like kind of interchangeable battles.

And I think, like Matt said, of it's just Lucky and Phoenix going, what if we do this to him?

What if we do this to him?

What if we do this to him?

And it's like, I bet he won't win this one.

And then he wins it.

So it is a little bit just like video game levels, kind of.

And yeah, like, I mean, fucking really Scott can shoot one of these things.

They're, they're gorgeous and like, you know, they're really cool looking, but I, I totally feel that they're like kind of samey and dramatically inert, perhaps.

But yeah, I liked the dramatic scenes even more than the battles, I guess.

Yeah.

There's a lot of good, there's a lot of good stuff in this movie, but yeah, definitely like it, it, it, it, it loves those battle scenes, you know?

Yeah.

Um, so yeah.

So we're about, we're about at the final one.

Um, Joaquin Phoenix, while Russell Crow is, is, like, tied up, he like shanks him.

So he gives him this kind of like death wound.

And then he's going to go and like kill him in front of the citizenry to prove that he's the like best king guy.

That's right.

I called him a king guy.

Not even an emperor, not even a king.

Furious right now.

I'm the best king guy.

I'm just a nephew sniffing king guy.

I'm nerd angry.

You know what?

Maybe I hate my mentions too.

If I'm costing the ancient Rome guys.

I don't know how many ancient Rome guys listen to this podcast.

In fact, most ancient Rome guys that are cool, they listen to Mike Duncan's podcast, History of Rome, and then the vast majority of them just listen to Joe Rogan and have no idea what ancient Rome really is.

We're really going to be bringing in those listeners for this.

Bring them in.

The more the marriage.

The more the marriage, the little do they know.

Yeah, little do those bros know.

They're just going to be hearing about how I piss myself sometimes.

And they'll like it.

You better like it.

I'm a garbage disposal.

So are we

saying stuff with my garbage mouth.

Pissing in my pants out of my garbage hole.

Oh, man.

My family, if they listen to this podcast, I have a feeling Thanksgiving is going to be fucked.

I'm just going to go home.

If they listen to this podcast, I will say this much.

There it is.

There it is.

Fuck.

I wonder what would happen if Russell Crowe had a yelling match with Eddie Redmay.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what that would sound like?

If Russell Crowe

Redmain?

It's too many things.

I got to find all.

You know how big my soundboard is right now?

I think that's that's your problem.

You did it.

Well, we kind of did.

We'll finish up the movie and then we'll hear that at some point.

So, yeah, I mean, this is basically it.

He kills Joaquin Phoenix and then he dies.

Matt, do we got it?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Take your time, man.

We gotta have it.

Come on, where is it?

There we go.

Amazing.

Good stuff.

Worth the wait.

So, yeah, he then

Russell Crowe dies.

He dreams of his wife and touching wheat again.

We get the image from the beginning of the movie.

It all comes back around.

We're all just, we're all just passengers on a crazy blue marble waiting to touch wheat in the afterlife, huh?

So true.

Beautiful.

And then, yeah, Jim Hanson's soil wife.

There you go.

And then Jaimon Hatsu buries the action figures of the wife and kid.

and that is the end of Gladiator.

Yay!

Yeah, he could have fucking sold those things on eBay.

He shouldn't have buried them.

Those things are worth a lot.

Yeah.

That's right.

Man, that was really good.

What a movie.

You know what?

That movie should win Best Picture.

I think it did win Best Picture.

Oh, shit.

Hell yeah.

Good.

There is something about movies from that time period, like from I'd say

95 to 2004, where the endings were just

water dripping from your face.

Like you would, the music would get you.

Yeah, yeah.

Like Titanic, that ending just

like it was any movie that won best picture had to have an ending that made you

sob with an amazing score, like behind it.

And like, it is, I did think a lot about Titanic while I was watching this.

Me too.

Because like both these guys directed alien movies.

That's kind of cool.

But also just like what, like a best picture winner has changed so much recently.

Like best picture winners are now like Coda and Moonlight and like Green Book and these kind of talky dramas.

And just like in this time period, it had to be like

big, kind of dumb historical epic, you know?

Yeah.

So yeah, that's kind of interesting.

It was kind of like fun to revisit this era of like kind of big, spectacle-y best pictures.

Yeah, I loved it.

I mean, anything about, I guess, what's that thing about ancient Rome that men are always thinking about it?

Something like that.

There's like a meme about, you know, men are always thinking about ancient Rome.

And is that true for you guys?

Do you think about it often?

Not really.

I thought about it for about two and a half hours while I watched this movie last night.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think, to be honest, Rome has not interested me all that much.

Like

history.

When history is that old, everyone's name sounds exactly the same, and I don't know what to do.

I think Titanic does that for me.

I think that that's the titanic thing i think about it all the time oh i was thinking about the titanic titanic is it's so fascinating and just kind of it's sad but also kind of hilarious there's titanic hats up there you know there's so much titanic like tourism and museum exhibits and stuff like that it's so haunting and spooky and somewhat romantic also the movie is i've If we ever get a chance to watch Titanic, I would really appreciate it because I fucking love that movie.

I saw it five times in the theater.

Oh, yeah.

And I feel like this movie is the Titanic for dudes.

Oh, that might be a good.

Yeah,

interesting.

I think you're right.

Yeah.

No, I think that's 100% correct because this was a movie that

I saw multiple times in theaters when it came out.

I was like, we got it.

And

my sister was the one who made us go see Titanic a bunch, you know?

So this was my,

it was like this in the matrix.

Yeah,

they were both, they're both both always on cable.

They both have like a line that people say too much.

I'm the king of the world.

Are you not entertained?

Yes.

Well, also, you were talking about how those directors, you know, from Titanic and from Gladiator both directed aliens movies.

Do you think that there's something about horror and emotional drama that there's like a line that connects them, that it's like you can have a grip on those two things?

You might be right.

That's a good theory.

Yeah.

This kind of like big operatic emotion is kind of like related to horror.

I think that's a

good theory.

Yeah, they're good at both things.

Okay, we're going to rank Gladiator, but first, we're going to do our famous segment that we're now doing in this part of the show.

It's time for Hunk Watch.

Fuck.

That's fine.

People know the sting at this.

Yeah, they get it.

Just play whatever.

Just play baby Godzilla, and we'll talk about it.

Too many of them, man.

Too many.

Too many of them.

Oh, man.

This is great.

Yeah,

I'll go first.

Okay.

Richard Harris for me.

The W's, the long hair, the being, the man of peace, the lion in winter.

Jordan, we talked about this.

We were making it.

Making everyone horny.

Why don't you want me to whisp?

Stop it.

I hate it.

Yeah, Richard Harris for me.

Yeah, I love the long beard.

Love his peaceful ways.

I mean, he did like order, you know, many, many wars, it sounds like, over his life, but he found peace in the end.

Anyway, that's mine.

Anybody, anybody have a favorite hunk in this?

I mean, mine's Joaquin Phoenix.

I'm so sorry.

I just think he's

so beautiful to look at.

I think his eyes are so piercing.

I like his little, like,

little bitchy boy bullshit.

I don't know.

I just like

his little tantrums.

I don't know.

I just like want to walk in the room and be like, does someone need a timeout?

Make me emperor, father.

Make me emperor or hold my breath.

And be like, turn around, take your pants down.

I'm going to swat the fuck out of that ass.

I just want to spank him.

I get it.

I want to spank him.

You want to spank a brat.

I get it.

I want to spank him.

I think he's just really handsome.

I don't know.

And I don't feel that way about him in other movies like

he's he's he's an interest you know i think i think that we've all kind of turned on joaquin phoenix a little bit because of these kind of whack joker movies which i totally get but like he's he's so compelling and makes such weirdo choices there's like he's really good in a lot of things i know that like these Joker movies have kind of soured people on him a little bit, but like, well, here's the thing.

He's awesome in things.

It's he is an amazing performer in those movies.

You can't deny that.

I've never seen seen the second one.

The second one seems to be the one that's bad.

The first one is, like, is

he, he puts on a great performance in the first one.

Yes, his performance is not, I think, the issue.

Yeah.

Right, yeah.

I think he's like doing a compelling job acting.

Yes.

Have you guys seen You Were Never Really Here?

No.

No, but guess what?

I think that's free.

That's on YouTube.

Oh,

yeah.

You Are Never Really Here is a really great movie and such a great use of like weirdo Joaquin Phoenix.

I really recommend it.

I think it's uh yeah, I think it's a fun, fun performance.

I'll watch it for sure.

He kills a bunch of people with a hammer.

He has a little girl that's a good movie.

Oh, wait, I'm thinking about the documentary when he was around.

I was still here.

Yes, I thought, I thought that's what you were talking about.

Wait, there's I Was Never Really Here and then I'm Still Here.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's called something like that, but I'm I'm I'm thinking of a hammer-killing movie he was in.

Oh, I've heard it.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

But They should have called that one Stop Hammer Time.

That's what I was.

That way you could differentiate it from I'm Still Here.

Yeah.

That was the original title for Old Boy.

Yeah.

Is there a remix of that hammer killing scene where they put the MC Hammer in the background?

There should be.

There should be.

Work on that's what that'd be a good vine.

Bring back Vine.

Nope.

Bring back Vine.

You guys, it's true.

The documentary is called I'm Still Here.

And then that movie is You Were Never Really Here.

Jesus Christ.

Sure.

Called Stop Hammer Time.

Well, is one a prequel to the other?

I don't know.

Before he was a rapper, he was a hammer murderer.

He's like, I have to go in the witness relocation program.

Quick, makes me a rapper.

I squealed on the mafia.

Now I'm a rapper.

Yep.

All right.

Matt, do you have any thoughts on the humps of the movie?

Yeah.

I've been giving it a lot of thought.

And it's it's obviously Russell Crow.

Okay.

Hot take.

I mean,

I hate to do a hot take, but here's the thing about Russell Crowe.

He's hot and the lead of the movie.

So he's my hunk of the movie.

All right.

Yes, you're right.

Well, I just don't know what it is about Russell Crowe.

He just kind of looks like an idea of a man to me.

Sure.

That's fair.

That's fair.

That's true.

There's just nothing like

this.

He's an amazing actor.

He's definitely classically good looking.

There's no doubt about that.

But there's, I guess, I need people to be a little fucked up.

Yeah.

You want him to be more of a little brat.

You like him?

You like a little bit of a damn thing?

I want something like, I don't know.

There's got to be a little twist or something.

Yeah.

If you're just a hot dude, I'm like, well, this person's never going to go for me.

Handsome man 27b.

Yeah.

yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah, those are the hunks of Gladiator, and we are gonna rank this movie on a scale of one to ten super loud commercials when we come back.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

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We're going to rank Gladiator, the original, on a scale of one to 10 super loud commercials.

Emily, since you're the first timer, why don't we end with you?

We'll let you get the last word on Gladiator.

I'll go first.

I really like this movie.

It is so down the middle.

It is such a down-the-middle, no surprises, historical epic, but very well made.

And when I was watching it this time, I really noticed how fun

and good and

just delightful all the acting from the side characters was.

Connie Wilson is so good.

That's true.

Richard Harris is so good.

Yeah, the guy who organized the gladiator fights, Oliver Reed.

Just such fun acting.

Yeah, I kind of wish that our main character was a little more interesting, was a little more dynamic.

uh he's an everyman though he's an everyman just a just a wheat loving

son sun kissing joe the plumber yeah there you go just a just a just a joe an average spaniard just a regular spaniard um so yeah but i i think this is a really a really a really cool well-made movie and definitely like

I understand why it lives on cable so well.

It's just so watchable.

All the little chunks are so much fun.

Yeah, I'm going to give it a seven.

I'm going to give it a seven.

I don't think it's it's like, yeah, I wouldn't put it in on any kind of like top list for me, but super fun to watch.

And I am real excited for the sequel.

Me too.

Yeah.

Matt, what do you got?

I'm giving this a hell yeah.

That's a seven.

Wow.

Okay.

It's the same thing as a seven.

Everything you said

is correct, and I couldn't top it if I tried.

So I'll just

add hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Don't try to top me.

Just say hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Stop trying to top Jordan.

I mustn't top me.

Yeah, he is a boring bottom.

That's right.

You can put sprinkles on me, I guess.

All right.

If you want to put toppings on me, Emily, Gladiator, first time.

All right.

I'm going to give this one an okay.

And it's a seven, though.

Here's the thing.

I really love these epic,

like

battle period piece movies, but I recently watched Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.

Oh, yeah.

Which, oh, God, I love that movie.

And then I just feel like there's a lot.

I love that movie as a kid.

It's so good, too.

And the acting is also amazing, but there's a lot more, like,

like the characters are a lot more fleshed out.

I don't know.

There was a lot more engagement for me in that movie that made me care a little bit more.

This movie just felt like we are looking at some epic battles.

This looks great um but it didn't hook me enough to even kind of make me give a shit about the battles so i'm gonna give it a seven seven seven i think that's that's very reasonable i think this movie watch it again this is a good solid honorable seven yes um all right that was gladiator um hey We've got a very exciting plug.

If for some reason, you're somebody who turns off the plug segment.

Don't you fucking dare because this

is really cool.

Guys, we got our first live show coming up.

You can see us live at SF Sketchfest over there in San Francisco, California.

We are so excited to be part of this comedy festival.

Oh my God.

Super stoked.

We're going to be at the Punchline Comedy Club January 23rd, 7.30 p.m.

We're going to have a special guest to be announced.

It's going to be someone really cool.

SF Sketchfest.

We would love for y'all to come out.

We'll announce the movie a little bit closer to the date,

but we hope folks get tickets.

You can get tickets at sfsketchfest.com or punchlinecomedyclub.com.

Once again, 7:30 p.m., Punchline Comedy Club, part of SF Sketchfest on January 23rd.

We cannot wait to see y'all.

I'm so excited.

Please, please come out.

Yeah, I think we would all love to do a bunch of live shows, but this first one has to go well.

So,

yeah,

come see the show or we'll never leave our houses again.

Yeah, and we'll blame you forever.

And we'll blame you, the person who didn't come.

It doesn't matter if you don't live in San Francisco.

Take a vacation.

We'll figure out who didn't come.

We're giving you time to ask for

ask for work off.

That's right.

Go work.

You're not coming in on the 23rd.

Get your ass to San Francisco, sfsketchfest.com.

Or else you'll piss in your pants.

Yes, there you go.

Come to the show, or your pants are going to be filled with piss that isn't yours.

And hey,

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Okay, tune in next week when our movie will be Face

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