Tombstone

This is Free With Ads, the podcast that asks the question: why pay $5 on nearly any streaming service to watch Gunslinger, a Western starring Nicolas Cage, with a 5% rotten tomatoes rating, when you can go online for free and watch a Western so packed with 90s hunks, it'll blow the saloon doors right off their hinges.

I'm Emily Fleming, and I'm Matt Lieb.

Today's movie is Tombstone, the 1993 American Western that combines the sex appeal of handlebar mustaches and clammy pale tuberculosis skin, all in one Val Kilmer package.

With us usually is super co-host Jordan, but he's feeling a little under the weather this week.

So it's just your girl and super producer, the he freak, Matt Leaves, shooting us with a pistol full of drops.

You're a daisy if you do.

You're a daisy if you do.

Oh, I love the

many allusions to daisies in this.

I know.

Yeah, there's a lot of, yeah, there's some good lines in here.

I'm also, so I must tell the listeners, I've never done this with just Matt.

I know.

This is scary.

This is scary for us.

Because

we both have severe ADHD.

ADHD.

And not the kind that, like, Jordan

is our papa.

Yeah, he's our anchor.

You know, he's the backbone.

He is.

He, like, is the organized one.

He guides us through the movie.

He watches the movie.

He remembers the movie.

Yes.

And then we remember parts of it when he says the things he remembers.

And we go, oh, yeah.

And then that happened.

That's what we usually do.

Yeah.

But now

it's just us.

Yeah.

We both had to watch the movie like intently.

So, hey, we're going to do our best out there, ladies and gentlemen.

We are.

We're going to do our best.

So, and if it meanders in weird ways that it doesn't always,

that's just the way it is today, guys.

That was fun.

Okay, yeah, I think so.

I think so, too.

But before we talk about this movie, which is as of recording, streaming free with ads, we're going to talk about something else we saw for free on the internet this week.

Shit.

It scared me that time.

My bad.

It's going to be about the movie we were talking about earlier in the intro.

It's Nicholas Cage's movie that came out this year.

Wow.

Called Gunslinger.

It came and went.

I don't know if it even got to theaters.

I have no idea.

Yeah.

But the fun thing is, while you do have to pay to watch the movie, and I think I will pay to watch it at some point because it seems insane.

It's Nicholas Cage.

I mean, if it's an insane Cage movie, I'm pretty much going to pay for it.

But it's insane in a new way for Cage because what is free is going on TikTok and listening to what his character sounds like.

So

hit it.

I should ask for Jericho.

Jericho will be back soon.

I'm looking for a man.

This is interesting.

This book.

I'm looking for Thomas.

The whole movie does this.

Yes.

Whole movie.

Yes.

Hold on, let's keep playing.

Dramatically looking to the side of the bar.

I can't imagine the director and writer, producers, everyone who was like, oh my god, you guys, we did it.

We got Nick Cage to be the lead.

We got him to play, you know, fucking the gravel balls.

they must have been furious at this choice no i don't think so because heather heather graham is the other one in oh that's heather graham yeah and oh good to see everyone else is i know i love her but any everyone else in this movie is doing kind of a western vibe and she's like hi i'm heather graham i'm looking for jericho and you're like okay so i guess everyone else is just kind of showing up and

and he went listen, they're coming for Cage.

We're going to give him something different.

And every time he's in one of these movies, though, that are like super bad, it's always the like, you know, the name cards, like starring this, this, and this, and Academy Award winner, Nicholas Cage, which they do that in the trailer for this.

And I'm like, don't blame the Academy for this.

I love that.

I love that they're.

And by the way, and someone good.

We swear to God.

Not doing anything.

He's not going to do anything weird.

Nope.

Come see the movie and find out how not weird it is.

It is absolutely audible.

You can understand it.

Read the Bible.

It's good.

I literally, I can't even do an impression of this voice without severely injuring my voice.

I know.

You know what he's doing?

It sounds like he's doing an impression of an impression of someone doing...

Marlon Brando and the Godfather one.

100%.

It sounds like, may your first child be a masculine child.

That was pretty good, man.

Yeah, no, it hurt a lot, though.

You know,

I can only do so much.

There's a little bit more.

What else does he say?

He's also got a little bit of like

jazz man in there, like, or

like Delta.

I'm a scat man.

Yeah, he's skippy, dippy, dip.

But like,

oh, man, that is

wild.

Good for him.

Yeah, we'll leave a link to that TikTok.

Absolutely.

Link in description for that one.

God damn it.

It's so funny.

I hope that becomes free with ads because I would really like to see him.

I mean, the fact that it's not right now is fucking criminal.

It is.

Yeah.

It's honestly, like, what are we doing, like, depriving the world of this weird-ass performance performance in a movie called Gunslingers?

Exactly.

What are you guys going to do?

Get the money back in the back end from DVDs.

It's not going to happen.

You're never going to get the money back that you paid Nicholas Cage

to be in this.

So, just give it to us.

Give it to us.

Give it to him.

Give it to him.

All right.

So, Tombstone.

I'm very excited.

I have watched this movie before.

Have you watched it?

Yes.

I've seen this movie one other time, and it was within the last couple of years I tried it because I saw a little bit of it as a kid.

I remember it was like

on TV or it was

like a rental or something that my dad got.

And as a kid, I just kind of had like a blanket no Westerns policy.

I just hated Westerns.

I didn't understand why they weren't.

I think as a kid, they seem boring to me, too.

Yeah, it seemed like old people entertainment like cowboys and indians i was always like that's really yeah that's really boring i'm i'm more of a mighty morphin power ranger exactly exactly which is a western if you think about it hard enough yeah it's like westerns to me were just like okay so it's just guys with guns but no one's no one's gonna throw a single kick No one knows how to jab.

No one knows how to do, you know, any cool Hadoukens.

Come on.

I don't know.

There were some good bitch slaps going on in the streets.

There were.

There were some good bitch slaps.

And I appreciated them very much.

And I was like, ooh, that's kind of hot.

Especially bitch slapping a

surprisingly rotund Billy Bob Thornton.

I know.

We're going to get to that.

I'm excited.

This is the most stacked

cast of dudes from the 90s.

I can't believe it.

And more and more people keep popping up.

And you're like, what the fuck?

He's had like two lines.

And you're like, why was he?

That's crazy.

I should know a lot more about the historical

backstory to this because I did do a very recent episode of Meals of History on Mythical Kitchen.

About the old West?

About Dodge City, which is where our lead, Wyatt Earp, is moving on from because he was the sheriff of Dodge City in Kansas.

Oh, cool.

And then he's making his way to Tombstone to start anew with his brothers and his ladies.

Like, well, he's one lady.

Each brother has a lady.

And like, they don't want to be lawmen.

They're done with being lawmen.

It was hard.

They don't want to do it anymore.

Yeah, they're trying to live that ACAB lifestyle.

Yeah, so I, and my character in Meals Vistory is named Wyatt Burp.

Very good.

Very good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Go to the Mythical Kitchen YouTube channel.

You can watch

a full hour of Wyatt Burp.

Yeah, Wyatt Burp.

And a bunch of

information about Dodge City that I don't remember.

Like, just like Jordan, my other papa is Josh Shearer, who knows all the real information.

And then I put on a stupid outfit and a fake mustache and come out and go,

What's the food like?

No, you have a food.

People like you and me

rely a lot on people to be the backbone of our,

you know, like I,

if it's, if it's not Jordan on this podcast, then it's my wife.

So, you know, it's kind of, I just, you need someone who's like good at organizing and remembering and planning dude I am so fucked that's why Jenna Purdy has my location on her phone at all times that's

hilarious because I may not get somewhere on time but we'll know if I'm dead or not dead or not and where

she's got an Apple tracker somewhere on your person no my phone is always being it's her and my sister and my mom they know where I am that's great I love that

but you know this movie,

I,

again, I didn't really watch it as a kid, but I think I saw a little bit of it.

Same with like Quick in the Dead, where I was just like, I don't care.

This seems like.

Ooh, never seen that.

Yeah, I mean,

I kind of want to watch it now because after seeing this movie as a fully formed adult, I was like, oh, wait, maybe I like Westerns.

Westerns are cool, man.

Me too.

It's our old age.

Like,

instead of our parents, the Boomers had a World War II, I think, fetish, like

history buff thing.

I think we're going to do, like, the Wild West kind of thing.

It's going to be Wild West people.

Wild West and, like, yeah, exactly.

I think that's what it'll be.

You know what?

Maybe I'll give Wild, Wild West another chance.

Dude, if we could watch Wild, Wild West for this fucking podcast.

That would be sick.

I love that.

We can't do it right after this because that's too many Westerns.

Yeah, no, unless we picked a month that was like, you know, somehow.

Are there any months that start with W?

There's no W months.

It has to be something close, though.

I mean, the alliteration was what makes it fun, but

hey, if you got any ideas for what we should call our Western month,

put it with ads at maximumfun.org.

Please.

December Gun Slinger.

December Slinger.

Let's see.

Howdy.

No.

If Jordan's listening to this, he is just dying.

He's going insane.

Because you know he has like three puns ready to go.

He's got it all ready.

Um, well, anyway, I think that I'll get this started.

I mean, I definitely am obsessed with Westerns too.

I've I've watched Godless is a great Western series on Netflix.

I highly recommend The English is really good.

I do, I do like Yellowstone.

Deadwood is fantastic.

If you've ever seen it, Deadwood is, we got some of the actors from Deadwood in Tombstone.

Deadwood is amazing.

I highly recommend all of those things.

And also Sinners, I think, is a pretty good one.

one oh yeah sinners is also great movie but yeah love westerns but this one is pretty damn good itself so uh it's gonna start out in 1879 the civil war has ended and this is when wild west is popping off with crime gambling you know drinking yeah killing and there's uh one of the i guess one of the first uh representations of organized crime in america is the cowboys which is a gang which really we couldn't get a different.

I kind of get it.

It's like,

you know, hey, we're talking about the cow men, you know?

Yeah, first of all, it is funny to call yourself a boy in your own like gang, you know, and just like

you're going to infantilize yourself.

Like, a lot of these guys are like 40.

Yeah, I know.

Gather around, boys.

Gather around, boys.

Let's kill the Mexican police.

Exactly.

Let's kill a priest.

We're just little boys.

Yeah, that's our first intro to the Cowboys as they just shoot up a wedding of Mexican police officers that like, I guess, took down some of their gang members.

Yep, yep, yep.

And then they eat their like wedding feast.

Dude, super rude.

So fucked.

And but yeah, so that sucks.

You know, they're bad guys.

And then they kind of are the law in Tombstone.

Like they're not official lawmen, but they kind of run the town.

Like, everybody bends to their will, kind of.

Yeah, because they're the ones with guns, and it feels like, you know, everyone in Tombstone is running scared.

You know, kind of classic Western thing, you know, a small,

you know,

gold mine town, a boom town that has been taken over by crime, and everyone's scared, and they need a hero to come out, you know, from the outside and help them.

Exactly, which is what Dodge City was.

so like the irps are trying to get away from that and then they're like fuck i just walked right in that's crazy

suck i i you figure like after

you know being in the wild west having this happen a few times to the earps uh and doc holly you'd figure they'd be like i don't know what about east yeah let's go east maybe i'm a man of the sea yeah maybe i'm more of a i don't know sort of like a new england guy yeah someplace where i can just kind of chill like maybe let's get some chowder.

Yeah.

Get some chowder.

Go, you know, go lobster fishing.

Just something, something like normal that people do and not the like constant fear of being shot to death by a dog.

I know.

Well, there was like a big,

you know, a sweeping group of people coming out to the West because of tuberculosis.

They thought that the climate in the West was good for it.

Right.

Yes.

Which brings us to the fact that Doc Holiday is also in Tombstone.

Yes.

He's been, and he was like, he's not really a lawman.

He kind of becomes it like later for, you know, shits and giggles or whatever.

But he was, you know, he was originally a dentist, Doc Holiday.

Oh, I didn't know he was actually a doctor.

I love that.

Yeah.

And then he, I don't know, he got tuberculosis, which.

That is definitely going to happen to you if you're digging around in people's mouths in the wild.

Yeah, yeah.

But also.

You should wear a mask.

I get really confused about tuberculosis because there are these movies where one person has it and is dying and they're making out with people and those people aren't getting it.

Yeah, it's crazy like that.

You know, it also seems incredibly contagious because it is.

It is, it is,

it's so contagious that you can tell.

Bless you.

It's so contagious.

Yeah.

Oh no.

You have

to be coughed into my handkerchief and it is blood.

It is blood.

Oh no.

It's like it is so contagious that you can tell that you've been exposed to it just through an x-ray.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

When I worked at a doctor's office, we used to do these TB screenings that were just chest x-rays.

And so like, even if you never really got a, you know, real big case of it,

you can, you can see it in the lungs.

It's, it's crazy like that.

And so it is wild that, you know, guys with tuberculosis are just walking around.

No, no mask.

This is what's interesting is some people,

people can have active TB in any organ of the body, but it's only infectious to others when it's in the lungs or larynx.

Oh, why did you look at that?

I did not know that.

I didn't either because I was like, wait, this happens in like Moulin Rouge.

She's got it also.

And like, you're like, well, wait, why isn't everybody getting?

It's so confusing.

So, yeah, but there's some really great pale skin makeup

on our boy.

He's got a

pallidness to him the entire time.

And it's weird because he's still

the sexiest man alive.

Mal Kilmer, baby.

I mean, it feels like a really, I would say that, you know.

This is actually going to be the most

like complicated and gut-wrenching hunk watch we've ever done, and I is so crazy.

It's hard to know who is going to win for either of us.

Feel like both eye sockets have tons of eyeballs that are all going auga in like 50 different places.

My tongue can't turn into this many stares.

It's crazy.

I can't keep hitting myself over the head with mallets over and over.

I'm going to get a concussion.

Stop being hot.

Exactly.

So, a few of our hot people, we've got Wyatt Earp, played by Kurt Russell,

Major Hunk, and then his brother.

There's two Earp brothers.

And

the older one is our boy,

Sam Elliott.

And then the younger one is another hunk, Bill Paxton.

Yes, yes.

I feel like all of these people at some point have won Hunk watch in other movies that we've done.

Like,

Bill Paxton got it for me for Titanic.

I think so.

I think so, too.

And

I'm certain we've talked about Sam Elliott.

Wasn't he in Alligator One?

No, he was in Frogs.

Frogs, that's what it was.

Okay, so this is proto-free with ads.

The very first unaired pilot, which, of course, you can listen to for any members at maximumfun.org slash join.

Yes, please join and watch or listen.

Watch that.

Listen to it.

Yes.

Listen to or watch it with your ears.

Watch it with your ears.

Listen to it with your heart.

Yeah, so there's Billy Zane is in this too.

So there's

two Titanic guys.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

And it's crazy.

Two Titanic guys are in this.

And meanwhile, Two Titanic, Two Furious.

Yes.

Meanwhile, Leo is not in this.

Oh my God.

He was in the other hot guy Western of the time.

I heard about that.

Yeah.

People say it was good, but, you know,

we should, well, maybe we'll get to it.

If it's free with ads, we'll do Quick and the Dead.

yeah but i mean it's it's non-stop like hunks but then there's there's some there's some babes too i don't think that any of them are very famous so i don't quite know their names but uh yeah so we do encounter billy bob thornton pretty quickly after the irps and uh our boy doc holiday arrive um

there's a saloon and casino that's like not often you know visited by a lot of people because there's this guy in there who's bullying everyone and it is Billy Bob Thornton.

We don't see him for very long, but it's a great scene.

It's great.

And he just gets bitch slapped a bunch.

A bunch.

And he also, it is the only time, I think, that I know of that you will encounter a not incredibly overly thin Billy Bob Thornton.

I know.

It didn't even look like him at first.

I heard the voice is what I heard.

Yeah, the voice, immediately you can tell it's him.

And then you look at him and you're like, holy shit, that is him.

Interesting.

I've never seen him with like pounds packed on.

Yeah, this is 1993.

So he was probably like, you know, having a bit of a down period.

Yeah.

You lose a lot of weight when you date Angelia Jolie, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he started, you know, wearing her blood around his neck.

Yeah, he didn't have any blood in his body.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

She popped him like a tick.

He was just like, he's puffy, and then she popped him.

And this is like pre-Slingblade.

So it was pre-Billy Bob Thornton becoming like a household name oh I guess I thought that sling blade was before this but that's cool yeah yeah boy this this movie didn't fuck around it also had Jason Priestley in it for a little bit

yes

why yeah it's crazy just taking our break from 90210 to being a western I know cool poor guy

he he didn't have much of a part he did just fine but yeah he didn't have much to do he was in it though and that's what matters and then also there's a character one of the bad guys who uh you know we'll get to um yeah uh whose name is johnny ringo

um johnny ringo is he's got a very nice handleblower mustache everybody does literally everyone yes everyone looks fantastic um but he for uh you know a couple of years now since the first time i saw it I thought that was Timothy Oliphant.

Oh.

Yeah, like the lead from Justified, the lead from Timothy.

My entire body knows who he is.

Okay, all right, good.

I have a reaction when someone says Timothy Olivant.

So that's kind of puzzling to me when you say that guy looks like him.

I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

I just, the first time I saw it, I was like, oh, Timothy Oliphant's in this.

And then at some point while I was watching this movie, I was like, there's Timothy.

Wait.

Can't be him.

He's not, there's no way he's, you know, an adult at this point in his career.

I mean, you know, he's.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

He was doing the movie Go at some point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But he certainly wasn't.

He was not playing.

No, it was a guy named Michael

B-I-E-H-N.

Bayne?

Bain?

B-N?

Okay, Hollywood makes everyone change their names, and he just stuck with that.

I don't know.

He should go with Johnny Ringo.

It's a better name.

Go with Johnny Ringo for sure.

Our main villain from the Cowboys is Curly Bill Brosius.

Curly Bill Brocius.

I really wish Jordan was here so we could come up with a bunch of Western villain names.

Well,

Crooked Bob Billabong.

We could do it ourselves off the top of our heads.

It'll be just as good.

Fuck all y'all.

Ellipses, Caroline,

cunch fucker.

Yeah, that's good.

Thank you.

All right, So we kick the shit out of Billy Bob Thornton, which also sounds like he could have been a Western like villain with that name.

So he takes that table from Billy Bob Thornton.

He's now, you know, running a card table in this like saloon casino.

That's kind of Wyatt Earp's gig right now.

My favorite thing is when he slaps the shit out of Billy Bob Thornton.

His mouth is bleeding and he goes, you gonna do something or just stand there and bleed?

Yeah.

I was like, God damn, that's what I'm like when I'm on my period.

Somebody be like, you got to do something.

I'm like, can I just sit here?

Yeah.

Can I sit here and bleed?

I just want to sit, like, raw dog a toilet and just like just sit for two days.

As someone who's been punched in the face before, if someone said that to me, I would be like, no, I'm not sure you're going to stand here and bleed.

I'm also going to stand here and cry

because I can't help what?

Cry when?

Oh, wow.

You know those old cries?

That is a good cry when you're.

I feel like I haven't had one of those like childish panic cries in so long.

I don't want to.

I have.

I have.

I try to get one in at least like twice a year, I'd say.

Yeah.

That's nice.

God, those feel so good.

And that's when you were a kid at school, they'd always be like, now let's count to 10.

I'm like, book, you, I,

I,

count.

And then they're like, let's get a paper towel and put some water on it and then put it on their face.

Like that ever fucking did anything for anyone all right calm down try doing a tongue twister how much would

joke

Peter Piper fucking

yeah I think that that might be an ADHD thing by the way just like the overall panic mode which

because I would just get overwhelmed and like

have a tantrum about nothing at school to the point where I was could not stop crying and then they'd have to put my face in a sink of water.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

And honestly, face in a sink of water is amazing.

Highly recommend.

I do it to this day.

So, Doc Holiday, there, sweaty tuberculosis, sexy face, very sexy.

He's been buddies with Wyatt Earp for a very long time, ever since they were like super young.

Didn't look into how they met, but I'm sure it's great.

Then they all go to entertainment.

There's like a saloon theater, and there's a theatrical little group group that comes to town, and they do Shakespeare in the saloon.

Why the fuck would they think

in this place?

As soon as the first

it eventually, yeah, no, I mean, as soon as the first guy, though, opened fire, I'm I'm calling it.

That's it.

End of show.

I mean, listen, I know the show must go on, but there are limits.

There are.

Yeah.

And then, like, you know, one guy like leaves the stage, and then we see Billy Zane, traveling actor and he does uh you know some dramatic monologue from one of the shakespeare uh you know plays

god it was i wanted to shoot him i'm sorry i know that everybody that shakespeare's good yeah i know we're supposed to enjoy it but if it's not real and clarity

i don't want it i mean i i like some of it but it's just like i don't know it just doesn't feel like i'm watching a human it looks like i'm watching somebody who learned about the English language from space.

Yeah, it's like homework.

I get it.

Yeah.

As an adult now,

when I do

watch a very old play or, you know, some

Shakespeare, I find myself understanding it and enjoying it.

But yes, it also feels like homework.

And they all love it.

They're watching it like enraptured and literally it like, I think they were going to kill him.

And then they were like, nah, this is too good.

Which, uh, good for him.

Because the devil, the devil comes out.

This, this hot lady is playing the devil,

and she's a hot lady actress.

I think Josephine is her name.

She's going to be a love interest

for Wyatt Earp, who is already married to a lady who loves opium.

Yeah, she's a big Laudenham lady.

Yeah, Laudenum.

And yeah.

Laudenum.

I just met him.

Stupid.

Laudenum nuts.

Yeah, lot of these nuts.

Lottum these nuts.

Yeah, he's married to someone who has, in this movie, is basically portrayed with absolutely no humanity whatsoever.

Kind of just like, you know, there's this theater woman who comes to town and immediately starts like hitting on him.

They start like riding horses together.

Meanwhile, you're like, he has a wife, though.

Who's having a hard time?

Who's having a really hard time?

And, but you're supposed to, as a viewer be like well what are you gonna do she's uh she's a you know a junkie like don't worry you can discard her it doesn't matter the movie literally ends it's like oh and by the way the uh she died of a drug overdose the old the old wife died of a drug overdose it's like well that's horrible them's the brakes them the brakes for this lady oh yeah

crazy yeah i felt so bad for her it was almost like you know we've taken some historical liberties in this already maybe let's take the wife away yeah i mean come on just uh just to make it, I don't know, like a little bit less demeaning to people who are addicts.

But in terms of people who are addicts, Curly also does opium.

Curly is part of the Cowboys.

He's like

the leader, kind of.

Yeah, kind of the leader.

It's like him and

Ringo are like the two leaders.

They're the two bad guy mains.

And we got the dude who's from Days of Thunder in there, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

his name is michael rooker yeah michael rooker's in there yeah he's up in there and you know what he's a hunk too he's up there he is he is a hunk but yeah too many hunks too much

but yeah so our bad boy curly curly boy he's like did some opium and just goes in the street and just starts shooting the guns everywhere and into the sky and howling at the moon.

And we have this wonderful marshal, like old man, who was a real man, I've heard, the guy who is the marshal or deputy marshal, because there is a sheriff, but he's kind of just like a rich douchebag who doesn't do anything.

Right.

And he's like, oh, no, this is town business, not county business.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So the marshal goes out there, like, he's so cute, cute little white-haired, like, roly-poly guy, and tries to stand up to Curly, and he just shoots him in the gut.

Yeah.

Kills him.

We knew, and then, you know, the Earp's got to be stepping up.

Yeah.

Sorry, boys.

Sorry.

Yeah.

You forced us into it.

Yeah.

We were just trying to we were just trying to play cards and cheat on our junkie wives.

But then you went and killed a perfectly normal police guy.

Yeah.

And a bunch of people at a wedding.

And you're definitely a problem.

But yeah, so Sam Elliott's character, that's the older Earp.

brother is the one who kind of steps up and starts wanting to be a lawman and he starts to try and enforce a weapons ban.

Yeah.

Which when has that ever worked in America?

Yeah, I know.

It is, it is interesting.

It's like the first guy, it's the first guy who tried to do a, you know,

a no-gun zone and everyone is just like immediately turns into like a MAGA Second Amendment.

Just like, are you kidding me?

You're telling me that just because people get shot for no reason

all the time in this town, you're telling me you're going to to take away my Second Amendment right to have a gun.

On me at all times.

Yeah, on me all times.

Take it out, flip it around, do little tricks with it.

Everyone here does tricks with guns.

It's great.

It's true.

I mean, and I guess Doc Holiday is the best hand in the West because he's also got like kind of a sexy death wish where

he's going to die.

So now he's got all the balls in the world for a gunfight because he's like, I don't care if I die.

Yeah, he's so fucking cool.

He's so fucking cool.

And he's also like sexy as fuck.

He could play the piano.

He speaks multiple languages.

He's very like, and he's got this kind of genteel accent.

Yeah.

His mustache is a little bit more like, ooh.

Yeah, it's wispy.

It's a little more dirty.

It's a little more, it's not the big, the big ol' handlebar situation we got on the other guys.

Yeah, yeah.

He's got sort of, I would say it's like an Adam Driver, you know, sexy rat boy stash.

Yes.

You know, but it's still, it's very hot.

I mean, like, you know, this is relative to Westerns.

It's still a fucking stash.

Yeah.

I love mustaches.

I think they're great.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

So the weapons ban is not going well.

I think we all know.

And then I just want to make a note that

people do not sip whiskey in this Western town.

It is just shot, shot, shot, shot.

And I'm like, I don't, I've, in my old age, I can't really shoot liquor anymore.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, it is, I guess it like thematically makes sense.

They shoot guns, they shoot liquor, everything is shooting.

So it's fun, but also part of you goes, like, hey, guys,

you ever wonder why the, you know, average death of males is like 33?

Maybe calm down a little bit, guys.

At least back then, they believed in getting shots, you know.

Yeah, exactly.

That puns for you, Jordan.

Yeah, so they do a lot of whiskey shooting.

There's also a really cute dog in the background of stuff that I keep seeing, and then he has a cool little reveal of himself later.

So, yeah, Sam Elliott is really trying to enforce, you know, this stuff to try to keep peace in the town.

He's telling Wyatt Earp he's got to join up with him and the other brother, who seems like Bill Pax's character is a little bit kind of naive, I'd say.

He's not as like tough.

he's you know, I don't know the ages, but I think he's so like clearly supposed to be the little brother, and Wyatt is like middle, and Sam Elliott is the older brother.

And yeah, and he's the little brother, Bill Paxton, is he's more gung-ho.

He's more just like, yeah, no, let's do it.

Let's deputize ourselves and be the one who run

all of the cowboys out of town.

And Wyatt wants nothing to do with this.

Right.

Well, Wyatt was right.

Yeah, yeah.

No, he should probably listen to him.

He was kind of just doing this thing where he's like, not, not my business, which is kind of, it is crazy because like at one point, they, when they shoot the

policeman,

Wyatt literally says, who cares?

Yeah, he just says, who cares, not our problem.

Yeah, it's not our problem.

And then it's Sam Elliott who's got to be like, people are suffering.

Or no, it's somebody else who says that.

And it's like, oh, like, okay, fuck.

Yeah.

And it's crazy that I was thinking about this the other day.

There's those three guys in this town are the smartest men there.

So they have to like step up.

Like,

and it makes me think about how

when I'm the smartest person

in a certain situation, I'm like, wow, America has failed.

Yeah.

Like,

I am not the smart.

I am not the ERP of any room.

I should not be.

Yes.

No, neither.

Yeah.

If I'm ever the smartest person in every room, I'm always just like, well, actually, the feeling I always get is like, oh, I just want to never leave this room.

I don't.

I'm immediately like, God, is this what it's like being around me?

I hate it.

No, for me, I'm always just like, it's for me, it's very, you know, in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

I'm that one-eyed man.

I love my blind land.

Let me hang out with the blind forever.

Yeah.

i'm basically magic to them well that's exactly what our irp boys are dealing with up in here um

so the gunfight at the okay corral you may have heard of is this throw down shootout situation between the irps and doc holiday and the guys from the cowboys gang including thomas hayden church oh i know and the guy who plays aiden from sex of the city fucking aiden fucking aiden is in this it's so weird.

It's so weird how many hunks they were able to get.

It's like they wanted women to watch this.

Yeah.

I wonder if they did.

Like, I really, I truly do.

I mean,

I bet they did.

Yeah.

I mean, how can you say no to all them hunks?

All them hunks inside my trunk.

I will say this, the only sex scene or almost sex scene we get is between Josephine and Wyatt Earp's horses.

Yeah, they almost fuck.

They get so close to fucking.

The horses, it's like, she's in season.

I was like, oh, excuse me?

Yeah.

And it's like,

well,

I better go.

And she goes, nah, let's let him run it out.

And I was just like, I don't know, man.

Even with the running, I think they'd want to fuck.

Like, as soon as you get off the horse to hang out, they fucking.

That's so funny.

The next time I get horny for a fuckboy, I'm just going to run.

Just start running.

I'll know.

I'll be like, oh, don't worry.

She's just trying to tuck herself out from being too horny.

I'll tell the guy.

Don't worry.

It's a compliment.

She likes you.

She's not running away from the conversation.

She's running away from her libido.

Okay, Skylar, it's time to go.

Giddy up.

So, yeah, there's a shootout.

I guess they've all decided to step up, Wyatt and everything.

And they get

Hayden Church gets...

got real bad so many bullets in this guy.

It was hilarious, honestly.

It's like it lifted him from the ground.

How many bullets he had?

Pretty cool.

And so I guess they killed like brothers, and it was really sad.

And they had a big funeral and everything.

And then the cowboys get revenge, like hardcore.

And because, like, you know, a few of them got shot during

the OK Corral like fight or whatever, but they weren't fatal.

But then, you know, our boy.

Then it gets real bad.

Our boy Sam Elliott gets shot in the arm.

It looks like he's going to die, but instead he just gets a dead arm.

Yeah, yeah, he gets a dead arm.

And he says, when he finds, when the doctor says to him, you know, he'll never have use of that arm again,

he gets his, his wife, he cries in her arms, and he goes, it's okay.

I still got one left to hold you with.

No, he says, I've still got the good one left to hold you with.

Yeah, I still got the good one left to hold you with.

That was pretty hot, actually.

I was like, oh, man, even when you're like got a dead arm you're still macking you're still like he's still operating on all six cylinders of like just straight fuck energy well also anytime he cries like sam elliott cries it kills me like his acting you got to see 1883 the it's the prequel to yellow yellowstone yeah he and oh god he cries

it's oh it's it's so good his eyes get wet everyone else gets wet too he cries a lot in it and it's really sad But it makes me feel like when you see your dad cry for the first time, like, oh, yeah, and then you're like, oh no, big strong men, yeah, not bad, big, strong men, fallible.

I don't like it, I don't like it.

Yeah, first time I saw my dad cry, I started shaming him.

I was just like, really?

Pussy, pussy.

I just kept saying it.

No, no, of course not really.

It was so cruel.

You're like, is that why he went to a mental institute?

Yeah, exactly.

No wonder you're fucking crazy.

Oh, yeah.

No, but Sam Elliott gets shot.

But he survives.

The brazen attack they do is not just against him, but

they shoot at the wives.

All the wives are hanging out in the living room.

In a parlor, hanging out.

Yeah, and they bust in and just start fucking shooting.

They didn't get him, though, which is good.

But then Bill Paxton decides to just run out into the rain to try to do something.

And of course he gets shot down.

He's an idiot.

Yeah, he gets shot and he has a really sad death scene.

Oh my God.

It's it.

Okay, so you know, my biggest fear, I have an increasingly big fear of death.

It just keeps getting worse.

It's like, and I'm hoping eventually it'll get better again.

And I'll be.

Well, at some point you'll be dead and then it'll be better.

I know, but I, but before that, I'll be scared.

this is why i'll never do dmt by the way it's because like they go oh it's the top like yeah

or the chemical that is released as you are dying right it's like sounds fun but it's supposed to be like euphoric and stuff so and your body creates it naturally and i'm like then why do i want to fuck up the reserve Yeah, now I want to save that for the end when it's shit's bad.

Yeah, that's a good point.

That's a good point.

Like, get one last fun thing to do before you die, you know?

Yeah.

But my biggest fear, though, is that

you're dead

to people on the outside, but your soul is still inside the body and could feel pain.

Oh, Jesus.

I know.

It's my biggest fear.

That's a pretty fucked up fear.

I know.

And then you go in the incinerator and then you feel that too.

And then like

you're dust, and then the dust has feeling.

But is it every single thing of dust?

Because like that would be.

And then you're going, ah, it's just like, I mean, I feel like some of the dust that'd be like, oh, God, you know, now I'm in the ocean.

And then some of the dust would be like, oh, dust is drowning in the ocean.

I'm now in the bottom of someone's shoe.

And now they're talking shit at me while I'm on, like, shit about me while I'm on a mantle.

Like, fuck this.

Oh, if you have all your ashes just had to listen to all the conversations on the mantle for the rest of eternity.

Fuck this.

Exactly.

And then the other one is like, I mean, I think that's the worst one.

The one that's slightly less bad is that there's nothingness.

And I guess that's not, you know, that's not too horrible.

But I would like for there to be something and I could see my loved ones and stuff.

But I would also like to not feel the incinerator as it burns my flesh.

Yeah, no, I mean, all those options sound bad.

The only good option is

you wake up and there's a big light.

You go through the light and then,

you know, and then it's just kind of like fuck city for eternity

oh yeah then it's in the uh members only part of maximum fun yeah

behind the velvet rope listening to bonus content for all of eternity

oh i want to listen to frogs again turn it on again oh it's funnier every time i listen to it this must be heaven

oh fuck anyway he says that thing where he just goes like hey, remember when I talked about how, you know, people see a light at the end?

Maybe they see a light when they're dying.

Oh, it turns out that isn't real or some shit like that.

He just goes, that's a lie.

I don't see anything at all.

And then he turns.

And then he dies.

It's super dark.

But it does kind of set up the fact that Wyatt Earp's going to go ham on these motherfuckers eventually.

Yeah.

It's pretty sick.

It is sick.

Like, it gives Wyatt Earp a reason to go full vengeance mode.

Yes.

Which is a really fun part of the movie.

Like, I'll admit, as I was watching it at some point, I was just like, you know, I kind of get the appeal of Westerns, but I don't know.

They're just kind of moving.

And then he goes on a revenge spree, and I was like, oh, I get Westerns.

Exactly.

We should talk about after the break.

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We're talking about Tombstone, and it's about to be the exciting conclusion.

This is the revenge, or as Doc Holiday likes to say, a reckoning.

Yes.

Which I was like, what is the difference?

Oh, it's it's it's more righteous.

Like, it was one of those lines that when he said it, I wanted it.

Like, I wanted to be like, that's cheesy.

But then I was like, that's the most badass line I think I've heard in a movie in forever.

Because

that is way cooler than like vengeance.

Vengeance has got this kind of dark, you know,

sinful connotation.

And he's like, nah, he's not doing this for vengeance.

He's doing this because these people deserve their comeuppance.

It's like a

justified in every way, morally, ethically, spiritually.

I was just like, that is cool.

And Doc Holiday's lines in this are like,

they're really profound.

And it's like, again, it's one of those things that makes you think, you know what, Westerns?

Kind of badass.

Kind of badass for sure.

Okay, I did want to mention that right before everybody got murdered, like before his brothers got shot and or maimed and murdered, there was this dog, this really cute, like hunting dog or something that had been sitting in the background, but he was sitting up at the table in a chair.

Oh, hell yeah.

Bill Paxton was feeding him.

Oh, okay.

He kind of.

He was at the card table.

And Bill Paxton's just giving him little pieces of egg.

And it was like, it's like, I fucking, it just kind of made you like Bill Paxton's character even more because it seemed more childlike.

Right.

Yeah.

He's a little brother.

He wants to hang out with a dog like it's a person.

Exactly.

It's so cute.

I hope he doesn't die and then turn into nothing.

Yep.

He did.

He saw nothing and he is nothing.

Yes.

And so, like, there's this moment where they kind of like, you know, trick you.

He, you think Wyatt is defeated.

They literally like are leaving town.

Yeah.

And he says, you know, as he's passing,

it's done.

Yeah.

He's like, it's done.

It's over.

Basically, he's like, you won.

And they're like kind of, you know, laughing at him.

Ringo says, oh, smells like someone died.

It's like truly

horrific and bad.

And he just, they just kind of like, you know, slump away.

And

you feel terrible.

And then Curly is like, you know, send out such and such guy, you know, and finish the job.

And then at the train station,

White Earth gets the jump on them.

Yeah.

And that's when Bedlam starts.

Well, he reveals.

Yeah.

He reveals that he is now, I don't know how he found the

paperwork or whatever to achieve this.

Yeah,

but he became a deputy U.S.

Marshal now, so he can

impose, you know, martial law and

so is Doc Holiday.

I think.

No, I think Doc Holiday like steals his badge.

I can't remember.

No, yeah, that's later.

That's later.

But right now it is, he is deputized.

He's deputized.

In the old West, being deputized literally just meant

the sheriff gives you a badge.

I think that's literally all that had to happen.

No paperwork.

There's no bureaucracy.

Oh, I thought that a U.S.

Marshal was like you could go

be a lawman in any place in the U.S.

is what I thought that was.

Yeah, I mean, probably.

I think it's incredibly,

you know,

I don't think it was very organized.

I think they literally just kind of wouldn't.

We're going to look this up.

In the 1800s, a U.S.

Marshal was a federal law enforcement officer with extensive duties beyond just arresting outlaws, including serving court documents, managing federal prisoners, paying court fees, conducting the national census, and providing a federal presence in front of so it's federal.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, you can fuck some shit up.

Like, I think that you're allowed to kill people.

Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, you're basically allowed to kill people.

Also, paperwork.

Yeah, I love the census part where, like, some U.S.

marshals, like Rooster Cogburn going door to door, just being like, how many folks live here?

And then he shoots them and he goes, he goes, five, bang, four, four.

Don't want you, you know, getting too many congressmen representations here.

How many people live here?

Click, click, four.

Very good.

The ultimate gerrymandering was the

U.S.

Marshals.

But yeah,

it's like, you know,

there is no FBI.

The only federal police are the Marshals.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But so he's got a crew.

Some of the gangsters from the Cowboys have now swapped sides and are now joined up with Wyatt Earp and Doc Holiday, which is cool.

You got a new band of dudes.

Poor dudes.

They just go inflict hell.

Yeah, they were saying anyone who's wearing a red bandana, you know, they're getting shot on site.

And it's just like, it is just a montage of murder.

Yes.

Well, the best was when he whooped the first guy's ass and he had him, his spur on the back of his boot.

Yeah.

He stuck it in his mouth and gave him a joker smile.

Like, it was so crazy.

I was like, whoa, this is not the Wyatt Earp.

This one fucks.

Yeah, this is a Wyatt Earp that fucks.

And yeah, there's like the montage is like fucking crazy.

At one point, they go into, we're back in the opium den and some guy that was.

Oh my god, this shit was crazy.

He thinks he's, he's thinks he's smoking opium from from the end of the pipe, and then he hears click, click, and he's got just a gun in his mouth, and then it pans up to Wyatt Earp, who pulls the trigger.

I was just like, damn, they really don't like addicts in this movie.

Well, and the crazy thing is, oh, that's for sure.

There was a speech

Wyatt Earp.

gave kind of resisting becoming a lawman again.

He gave the speech to his brothers about how the only time

he ever killed someone was like only one time

and he hated it and he didn't like want to kill people that was his whole thing right he was like now he wants it so bad like he's bloodthirsty yeah now he is bloodthirsty he's just shooting everybody and it culminates in uh another like grand shootout scene by a creek yeah um with curly and uh and aiden from sex in the city oh my god aiden gets toasted.

Yeah, he gets fucking got pretty easily.

He is probably the least, like, he doesn't know what movie he's in.

Yeah.

He's kind of like smiling halfway.

Yeah,

he's too pleasantly handsome to

a drug.

Yeah, I mean, it's just like he's playing a rugged, like, like thug from the old West days, and it just doesn't work on him.

No.

He's not like grimy enough.

I think this is during the time period of northern exposure or something that show and everyone was like my parents watched that show like crazy i've never watched that show i've heard it's great but he's just so cute that you like i think you they want you to like some of the bad guys maybe a little bit yeah maybe that's it that was the point but he looked like he was trying not to laugh in every scene he was in yeah he's just kind of he's just kind of whoopsie

he's goofy he's goofy and he got shot and i was happy about that especially you know just i felt like the way he treated Carrie.

You know, it's just

well, I don't like any of those fuckers.

Like, well, I mean, Big was bad too, but I feel like that was true love.

I got to be real with you.

I'm not a huge Sexist City girl, but none of those men are good.

None of them.

No, I mean, you know, I feel like,

I don't know.

They should just call it Slim Pickens in the city is pretty much what it is.

That is the swamp in the city.

Oh, fucking hoofing it in the city.

I'm 0 for 50.

I'm just fucking zeros over here.

Yeah.

Although, Steve was great.

Justice for Steve.

No, no.

Steve was great.

No.

I love Steve.

I like him because he's kind of a nether, but he's like Irish.

I like him.

So, yeah.

Killing people.

Yes.

Let's do Steve at the OK Corral.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

you're gonna try to shoot me?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, what the hell, man?

What are you doing?

Just because you kill your brother?

I'm like, okay, man, that's fine.

It's not my weekend to shoot people.

Why did you get that gun?

Why are you spinning around so good?

I mean, my mother could come by and get the gun.

Oh, God.

anyway so yeah the the creek shootout we get curly curly gets it yeah and finally

before you think you know this shootout is like it's going different than the montage because it's not just straight you know abject murder it's like they're having to like hide behind a thing like hide behind a tree and shit and Kurt Russell, aka Wyatt Earp,

like has a Terminator moment.

Where bullets can't hit him.

Yes.

And he's just like walking straight up to Curly, who's like shooting at him and missing.

And he's saying, no.

Oh, I know.

That shit was so funny.

Yeah.

He was just straight up saying, no, no.

No.

And like,

it was very,

yeah, it was just very funny to watch him just say no a bunch while he's murdering, like murking all these people.

And yeah, he shoots curly kills him you know straight away yeah and that was not the most satisfying kill in the movie though no not yet

no yeah our our final like best kill also charlton heston shows up for a little bit and i got bored and i don't remember why he was there yeah that's right he was i because i swear at one point i was like is that charlton heston yeah and then i was like why and then i think i looked at my phone for a while that's crazy dude it's like they fucking it's

you want me to take away my eyes from the phone.

You'll have to take it from my cold, dead hand, motherfucker.

It's just crazy.

It's like there was like hunks from Christmas Past over there.

It was just like Charlton Heston all of a sudden shows up.

I'm sure his scene was important, but I just didn't give a shit.

I couldn't pay attention.

I don't know.

It says a couple of lines.

Not really, not much happens.

But he plays a character named Henry Hooker.

Also, fun fact: there is a character named Billy Claiborne.

Okay.

And that actor who plays him is Wyatt Earp III oh yeah that's so wild yeah so Wyatt that's so wyat

but yeah it's kind of crazy it's just like look at that well the craziest thing I realize is that I mean Wyatt Earp died in 1929 right I know and so he was friends with Western actors right yeah from before that time played him yes which is wild because it's like, you know, people are

playing somebody who's just like, yeah, killed a lot of guys.

You know, it's like, I know.

That's cool.

It's also just like thinking about 1879

to 1929.

It's like, oh, fuck, that's not long at all.

But when you, it's just, I don't know.

Time for millennials is getting tough.

Yeah.

And we're kind of understanding how short everything really is.

We're realizing that death is just around the corner.

Oh, yeah.

And then you'll feel everything.

Yeah, or nothing.

Either way, it's either way, it's one of those.

Unless it's not, and instead it's the fuck mountain in the sky.

Fuck mountain in the sky.

That's going to be the name of our next podcast.

My favorite John Denver song.

Come John, Uncle John's man.

Fuck Castle in the sky.

Okay.

Great.

I think that's Grateful Dead.

Either way.

Anyway, so we got to kill this fucker.

One guy left, and it's Ringo.

Ringo is there.

He is challenging Wyatt to a duel, essentially.

And our boy Doc Holiday, who is not long for this world, he's like not going to let his boy Wyatt Earp

go into this duel first.

Yeah, because he knows he's going to lose because

Ringo is a really fast gun.

But also, I think that

Doc wants to kill this guy.

Like, he wants to do it.

Yeah.

Because this guy challenged him.

Yeah.

Early on,

he challenged him in this really funny scene at a card table where he's like showing off his gun twirling skills and then

basically calling out Doc Holiday.

And Doc Holiday responds with a little joke where he twirls

his cup of whiskey.

But I think he took that to heart and was just like, I'm going to kill you for this.

And I think that's why he did it.

And our boy Ringo was scared.

Like, he's scared.

Like, because I guess Doc Holiday was the fastest shooter at that time or the most prolific or something.

He was famous.

He was famous.

And we see why, because this is one of the most harrowing deaths.

Can I tell it real quick?

Please.

Okay, so he's smoking a cigarette.

Tuberculosis Jones over here is kind of coughing a little bit,

like a little bit, coughing a little blood on the cigarette.

And it's like, you know, that, and they're kind of like circling each other.

And you know that once he puts that cigarette out, that they're going to pull the trigger.

So instead of him putting the cigarette out, he goes, you say when.

And so he's like, they look at each other for a while, and then he pulls out the gun.

And Doc Holiday shoots him in a very specific spot on the side of his forehead where he can still walk for a little little while.

Yeah.

And he's walking like a zombie towards them.

And he's like, What's the line about the daisies that you said?

Yeah.

And he goes, Yeah, it was.

He says,

You're not a daisy.

No, not at all.

Yeah.

And he's like, Come on, come on.

And he's like backing away so that he's following him.

Yeah.

And so Ringo's like brain dead, but then shoots the gun at the ground a couple times.

Like he's still trying to get his brain to work to kill him.

Yeah, it is fucking it's so fucked it's so gruesome and like yeah

he like ends with a line where he says something along the lines of like oh poor guy was just uh just high strung which like

it's like like oh that tuberculosis is uh yeah it's really taking a toll on you there buddy i love it it's just like the tuberculosis is making badass lines not work as good right now

you didn't have to say anything at all he could have just picked up his cigarette walked away yeah i think that the i was like thinking about what you know if you do you're a daisy when he said you early on when he the guy was like oh i'm gonna get you now and he said if you do you're a daisy so i was trying to like analyze the line and i was like i think what that means is like um

as opposed to being underground, pushing up daisies, you're a daisy, meaning you're alive, you're above ground.

Ah,

And so he's saying, you know, I'm going to shoot you.

And he goes, if you do, then you'll be a daisy and be alive.

And if not, you're going to die.

That's my guess.

I also kind of thought that you would be a flower that wilts and falls down.

Yeah, but it's like they're saying, you know, or it's like homophobic.

I don't know.

Well, but he's calling him not a daisy.

So I assume that if you're not a daisy, it means you're underground pushing up daisies.

That's my guess.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah.

Either way,

cool Western speak is always fun.

And a fucking amazing shootout duel like death.

I mean, that was so scary.

But so, you know, then we've got.

And White Herb shows up going like, what the hell?

He just sounded like King of the Hill.

Yeah.

Hey, what the hell, Bobby?

Oh, dad, I'm sorry.

You just killed Ringo before I had the chance.

I thought you was dead.

Give me my purse.

God damn it, Bobby.

So good, Matt.

I didn't know I could do it.

Shit, that's really good.

Yeah, well, now I'll be able to bust that out at once every year.

I mean, definitely.

But yeah, so we end up at a sanatorium.

Sanatarium?

Sanatarium.

Sanatarium.

Sanatorium.

An auditorium for sane people.

Or

he's in some sort of hospital.

He's dying.

He's in hospice.

Doc Holiday is dying from his tuberculosis.

Exactly.

And Wyatt goes to visit him and has a little card game with him.

And he's still like, Doc Holiday still manages to beat him somehow.

Even though Wyatt's like cheating.

Yeah.

And because he's very good at cards.

And he tells him to go find that hot actress lady.

Even though we're like, is the wife dead?

What happened to the wife?

What are we talking about?

What?

What?

She's just getting high somewhere, I guess.

Yeah, where'd where'd you put her?

I don't, is she in the same infirmary?

Like, where is she?

I don't know.

But it's like, you got to go live and all this stuff.

And as soon as White Earth gets up to leave, he dies instantly.

Like, instantly.

And it was one of those

kind of deaths.

But it still looked hot.

Yeah.

And then the final scene

is

probably the only scene in this movie that I truly did not enjoy.

Yes.

Which is he meets up with the

traveling actress lady

and

it's like snowing.

There's a snowman and he's like, you know, I just want to be with you.

You know, I just want to, you know, I don't care if we have to like, you know, yeah, he says, I'm broke.

I have nothing to offer.

And all this stuff.

And she goes, it's okay.

My family's rich.

And you're like, what?

Yes, straight up.

She goes, it's okay.

I'm rich.

The end.

And there's, it's like, you know, it's very much like, you know, Christmas music is playing and then a voiceover explaining just like the darkest, just all the dark backstories.

My wife died of a drug overdose.

And, yeah.

Yeah.

And he, and he lived until 1929, in which he got to have a funeral in LA

where

actors came and cried.

It's so weird to thinking of him being a gunslinger and then dying in L.A.

I know.

Ew.

I know.

I mean, listen,

you would hope that he died in some sort of gangland shootout, but I have a feeling he like fell off a stair master or some shit.

He died in an equinox like a fucking idiot.

Well,

when they said 1929, I was like, bitch survived the Titanic.

He didn't even get on that thing.

Yeah, right.

He like he was in a crazy bunch of shootouts and stuff.

And then he lived past the time of the Titanic.

He lived just long enough to watch the stock market crash and then he died.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

That's a crazy amount of like a moment in history to be alive to see that transition of industrialization in

the United States.

But yeah, I enjoyed this movie.

Should we,

oh, do our ranking and our hunk watch when we come back from the break?

Yeah, you know what?

Let's do that.

Let's do a double decker and do our hunk watch and our rating after the break.

Yay!

The Flop House is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

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He scratches his nails and goes, I'll get you a ghoulie.

He's just standing above the toilet with a heart.

No, I was just looking forward to you going through the other ways in which Wild Wild West is historically inaccurate.

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It's time to do two of our favorite things, which is hunk watch and rank this movie on a scale of one to ten very loud commercials.

So first things first, it's hunk watch time.

It's hunk watch.

Fuck yeah.

Fuck yes.

Okay, you go first, Matt.

Oh,

this is so hard.

Really?

Yeah, just because it's like, like I said, it is like, there's just so many goddamn hunks

in this.

And, you know,

I don't want to go with Val Kilmer only because it's like, it's just so obvious.

It's just like, you know, he is,

I mean, he's clearly is objectively the hunk of the movie, but for me,

I

think I would have to go with Curly.

That's right.

Ew.

Yeah.

Here's the thing about this guy.

He's played by an actor.

The actor's name is Powers Booth.

That's his name.

Wow.

And there's just something about this guy.

I've only seen him in this.

Deadwood.

Yes, I've seen him in Deadwood and I've seen him in this.

And in both cases, there's just something about the guy that excites me.

And I don't, it's like he was built to play this one guy.

And he just, he does does it so well that even when he's a slimy little scumbag, I'm just like, I don't know.

He attracts the eye.

And so for me, I'm going curly.

Okay.

He just looks like a guy who's into choking, but he doesn't know like how to make it hard enough.

That's so specific.

I know.

Like, cause he's so a scared.

He's like, so a scared.

He's so scared.

He's going to go too hard.

So he, then he just kind of does this thing where he like, he like makes his fingers like real tight and they shake a little bit, but he doesn't actually grip anything.

And you're like, what are you doing?

I love for me,

I just have such the opposite feeling about him.

To me, I feel like he would choke me out

and like just he'd do it.

He'd go too far.

I'm the opposite.

I think that he's too scared.

I think he's too scared.

He'll choke you too hard.

He's clearly not your hunk.

Who's your hunk?

It's fucking Val Kilmer.

Are you kidding?

I mean, there's just no it's he's so

like disarming i it's he's so beautiful too to look at even with this pale

like butthole skin face

yeah it is crazy how they even like trying to make him look like he's dying you're just like that's the the hottest man the handsomest corpse i've ever seen i know and i i also love how the clammy skin like how there's like individual little droplets in yeah perfect little jeweled places on his face yeah it's like you just want to bottle it and drink it like it's yeah that's Sidney Sweeney's bath water he looks like what I think the Twilight Vampires wanted to look like Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%.

They couldn't quite pull it off.

But yeah, he's just so beautiful.

Those big lips.

Those lips are so luscious.

But yeah, it's like they just put concealer all over his face, including the lips, like the way girls did

in the 2000s, like late 2000s, early 2010s, when everyone was wearing like nude lipstick with the nude makeup.

Right.

Yeah.

I did feel like there was a couple of scenes that were, I don't know, like not meant for watching in 4K

where you saw him close up and you're like, there's very clearly just they just

makeup on his lips.

And it's like, did y'all miss the neck?

Is that what happened?

We didn't blend down the neck.

Yeah, come on, guys.

Come on.

But that's the thing.

When you have Valkilmer, it doesn't matter.

You accept anything.

But it was such a beautiful performance.

And the way that he walked with confidence and the way that he shot guns and everything was so sexy.

And he was clearly like...

the secondary lead.

I mean, it's like, I think it was, you know, Kurt Russell also can get it any day, but

it's just, I'm sorry.

It's like Val Kilmer for me, dog.

Yeah, all three, all three ERPs, you know,

could get it.

But yeah, that's fair.

That is fair.

So wait, now I've had, we've had two men who are in this that have already been hunk watches before.

Yeah.

Like Bill Paxon, Sam Elliott.

Now we got Val Kilmer.

Yeah.

Wow.

And this is the most like hunked out movie that we've ever done.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

We got to start doing a countdown of the most hunked out movies.

Yeah.

I mean she's on there for sure.

Yeah.

I think this is number one so far.

Hopefully, you know, at some point we'll probably watch Armageddon.

Lots of hunks in that.

Steve Buscemi.

Michael Clark Johnson.

Steve Buscemi would scrape for that.

He's not.

I don't care.

All right.

Okay.

But, all right, so it's our time to rank the movie on a scale of one to ten.

Very loud, annoying commercials.

Do you want to go first, Matt?

I'll go first.

I'm giving this a nine.

I love this movie.

I love it.

If it wasn't for the kind of cheesy, you know, happy ending they gave this for no reason.

Yes.

It clearly wasn't a happy ending in terms of his wife died of an overdose like a week after they left Tombstone.

Other than that, it was, to me, it's perfect.

It's like...

I don't know if it was a hit at the time.

I assume it was a big hit at the time.

And I'm kind of bummed that I didn't really sit to watch it and enjoy it when I was a kid because

I think I would have gotten into Westerns at an appropriate age instead of as a 40-year-old man.

No, I think it's a perfect time to get into Westerns anytime you feel like it.

I'm going to give it an eight.

I loved it.

I agree that ending was pretty rough.

But I guess for me, I wanted to see a little more fun,

like a little more friendship time with the guys, like just where it's not so bad immediately.

Yeah, yeah,

there was a couple of really great

scenes of the brothers hanging out and hanging out with Doc Holiday, where I was just like, oh, I love friends.

I love when friends are friends with.

What I wanted to see was more friend stuff.

Also, more dog.

Needed more dog eaten eggs at the card table, please.

Absolutely.

Needs more dog.

Yeah.

We should do one of these days.

It's Dog Watch, and it's like all the dogs from movies.

And we do like a ranking of our favorite dogs from movies.

I love it.

I love it.

If Homeward Bound is ever free with that.

wait did I tell you the story about the dog at the um Hollywood Forever Cemetery that hung out in front of the Burt Reynolds grave you did but remind me what had happened okay I was at the I was visiting Paul Rubin's grave which is right next to the giant Burt Reynolds bust grave oh yes and the dog was a German shepherd

and it stopped and it would not leave yeah they kept looking at Burt Reynolds like bust and would not leave and I was like it knows.

It knows all dogs go to heaven.

Or maybe he's the dog now.

Oh, he came back as a dog.

Yeah.

That'd be sick.

Well, thank you guys for listening.

Let's do some plugs.

It's plugs time.

Yes.

You go ahead.

We got anything to plug?

Let's see.

We've got more episodes of Emily.

Have you seen this on mythicalsociety.com?

You become a second or third degree member and you can have access to that.

I also have a new episode that came out this past week on the Mythical Kitchen channel where Josh, Chef Josh, and I are eating five levels of grilled cheese, like different types of grilled cheese.

Oh my God, it was so good.

Please watch that Mythical Kitchen on YouTube.

That's the channel.

Other than that, yeah, oh, Phlem Jims has probably got stuff going on.

Go to my Etsy store.

Phlem Gyms is the Etsy store I've got.

Also, I am working on getting a Squarespace.

And when I figure it out, oh my God.

Oh,

then the orders will roll in.

And there'll be things to click on.

Oh, hell yeah.

All of those

things that you plugged will be in the show description.

If you want to go to Phlemgems, just click, click, click.

One thing for me to plug,

October 13th in Brooklyn, I'll be at the Bell House.

Ooh.

Yeah.

I love the Bell House.

It's a really fun venue.

We're going to do a stand-up show, and

it's going to be a lot of fun.

Get your tickets now while they are available.

I'm so jealous.

I'm so jealous.

Very cool.

All right.

So, join us next week when our movie will be Hell Comes to Frogtown.

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