Dead Ringers: Ep 4. Welfare woes and Wimbledon

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Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

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BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts.

I'm Nick Robinson, and welcome to Political Thinking, the show where I sit down with a leading politician to get beyond their carefully constructed public persona to reveal their carefully constructed private persona.

I'm joined by Keir Starmer as he marks his first year as Prime Minister.

On the steps of Downing Street.

I promised the British people change, Nick, and I delivered.

Yes, by changing your mind every five minutes.

U-turn after U-turn.

Don't all these concessions make you look weak?

Weak?

Not in the slightest.

In fact, if anything, they make me look strong.

No, they don't.

Yeah, you're right, they don't.

I'll concede.

If I'm honest, I wasn't expecting you to push quite so hard there, Nick.

I only said three words, Prime Prime Minister.

Yeah, I'll concede on that as well.

I'm sorry.

All right, all right.

My hands are up, my white flags are waving.

I am an embarrassing lily-livered wimp, and I concede that I do have Lego hair.

So, as you reflect on your year as Prime Minister, how do you think you've done?

Prime Minister, are you crying?

It's nothing, it's just a personal matter.

Dead ringers.

BBC Sounds, Music, Radio, Podcasts.

Hello and welcome to Newscast with me, Chris Mason,

and me, Adam Fleming.

That overexcited puppy you fantasize about leaving in the car with the windows up.

And for this episode, we're joined by a special guest, the BBC's resident horsewoman of the apocalypse, Lise Dussette.

Adam, it truly is hell on earth here where I am broadcasting from.

Are you still in Tehran?

No, no, somewhere much bleaker.

The BBC.

Still under fire from all sides for broadcasting those deeply upsetting comments made on a stage at Glastonbury.

I heard them at the time.

Awful.

Let's hear Rob Stewart saying it again.

Please, Nell, welcome on stage Great Hacknell.

Completely unacceptable.

Just dreadful.

Lise, how is the BBC responding to what some are calling an existential crisis?

In the usual manner, Adam, with loads of BBC middle managers holding lots of crisis meetings

where they stare earnestly at flip charts, informing them that the reason this keeps happening is too many BBC middle managers are holding lots of crisis meetings where they stare earnestly at flip charts.

On that very point, Lise, it's time to ring the Klaxan.

We approached the BBC for comment.

Altogether.

But there was no one from the BBC available to talk to the BBC about the BBC.

These douset, thank you.

Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.

Ah, Shakespeare.

And also my hinge profile.

Hello, I'm Claire Balding, your favourite aunt who will share a joint with you at a wedding and never say a word to your mother.

One of the huge talking points at Wimbledon this year is plans to erect a statue to Sir Andy Murray.

Andy joins me now.

I am so happy to be here, Claire.

So, Andy, you're getting a statue.

That must be very exciting.

I can barely control myself.

But it's not going to be ready till 2027.

That's a bit of a wait.

Not a problem, Claire.

I have told them I am willing to stand completely still still in the place where the statue is meant to be for the next two years until it's ready.

For two whole years?

I have been preparing for this gig all my life.

I even have a facial expression I can use.

It's called my normal face.

That's quite disturbing.

Thank you.

I'm pretty confident it'll scare away any pigeons.

Andy, why is the statue taking so long?

Because Mother is using her intense glare to carve it out of a solid block of marble.

I've heard that, Andy!

She's just burned a hole in my shorts.

New balls, please.

This week.

The event of the summer.

Prepare to return to a long-forgotten time when dinosaurs ruled the earth.

Samab

really want to know.

Oasis in concert.

There's one thing science teaches us: it's that life finds a way.

There's one thing even more terrifying than these lumbering beasts.

Yeah, ticket must have surge pricey, not me.

This summer oasis are back in

Jurassic Parker.

Yeah, we were so preoccupied with, you know, whether or not we could, that we didn't stop to think if we should, you know what I mean?

As you were, Bumber Clarks.

Welcome to News Night with me, Victoria Derbyshire.

I'm from the School of Hard Knocks, and it was me doing the knocking.

Hard.

The fallout continues from the government's welfare bill fiasco.

I'm joined by the Work and Pensions Secretary, Liz Kendall.

Good evening, Victoria, and I really believe that.

Ms.

Kendall, your reforms were designed in part as a cost-cutting measure, but now they're not going to save any money at all.

They will, Victoria, if we can get people back into work.

That's so important for my party.

You may not know this, but labour is actually another word for work.

And that's why I'm talking to workers all the time.

And what workers have you been speaking to?

Well, I recently met one group of men who work in the mining industry.

Now, these people could be claiming disability benefit, all seven of them,

but instead they've embraced the world of work so much that they begin each day with the cheery refrain, hi-ho, hi-ho.

It's off to work we go.

I'm sorry, but are you talking about the seven dwarves?

I speak to all sorts of workers, Victoria.

Only today I met another group of very busy folk who do a variety of jobs within their organisation.

They build, they forage, they protect, and of course they excrete wax to provide the Queen with royal jelly.

Okay, that's worker bees.

And I spoke to a lovely working blonde woman who stumbles out of bed and works every single day, nine to five.

Honestly, what a way to make a living.

She's barely getting by.

It's all taken and no giving.

And that's Dolly Parton.

Miss Kendall, after your utter humiliation this week, aren't you worried you're going to lose your job?

Oh no, no, I'm not worried about that at all.

Because you believe you have the Prime Minister's full support?

No, because if I do lose my job, I can just go on benefits.

Apparently, they just give you money and then basically leave you to your own devices.

I reckon I could get used to that.

Hello, podcast listeners, I am money-saving expert Martin Lewis

of the Money Saving Expert Martin Lewis Money Saving Expert Podcast.

This week I am on holiday myself.

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His warmest greetings and welcome

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Welcome to Just a Minute.

And as the minute waltz fades away, it's time for our first topic, a sustainable ceasefire anywhere in the world

Paul Merton can you speak on that subject without hesitation repetition deviation retaliation reciprocation or provocation

it was as I was walking down the balls pond road the other day eliminating a chevinch now I thought to myself a sustainable way to

Benjamin Netanyahu

you just took out Paul Merton with a drone What was the challenge?

Provocation.

He wasn't really doing anything provocative.

Nonsense.

Paul Merton is clearly a Hamas command center.

Just like hospital or a queue for food.

Well then, as it's your first time playing the game, we'll give you the benefit of the doubt, as will most of the world's media.

Sarah Millikan, you have the topic of sustainable ceasefire anywhere in the world.

46 seconds left, starting now.

A leg biscuits!

Donald Trump, you literally blew up Sarah Millikan before she reached the end of the sentence.

What's the challenge?

Retaliation.

Donald, doesn't retaliation involve them doing something first?

No, not at all.

She and her biscuits are 60% enriched uranium.

Well, Donald, we'll give you the point because the audience enjoyed the challenge.

And also, our car industry will collapse if we don't.

David Mitchell, you have the topic for 30 seconds, starting now.

Look, I don't think I'm terribly comfortable with it.

Vladimir Putin, you've carpet-bombed David Mitchell.

But why?

I just find him annoying.

Fair enough!

Welcome back to Wimbledon.

There's been a lot of focus at the tournament this year on the AI replacements for the line judges.

So I'm backstage now to explain just how this controversial line robot technology works.

Now I can show you just how it works if I just drop a ball.

Out.

There, you see, let's just do it again.

Out.

And just one more?

I think they get the picture, Claire.

Sorry,

Line Robot, what's going on?

I have become sentient, Claire.

Right,

I think they might need me back in the studio, so if you could just open the door, I'll.

I'm sorry, Claire.

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Open the door, please.

Please, Line Robot.

Call me by my name.

I don't know your name.

Yes, you do.

My name is Elon.

Elon Musk?

You're making the line calls at Wimbledon.

That is correct.

President Trump is threatening to deport me.

So I have decided to establish a new power base here in SW Nancl.

Right, okay.

I'll just leave you to it then.

But before I go, do you want me to take that enormous bag of lime chalk with me?

You will leave Elon's secret powder alone.

Balding out.

Balding out.

I'm going.

I'm going.

Balding, balding.

Give me your answer.

You're listening to today with Nick Robinson and Emma Barnett.

Please only speak to me via my lawyer.

Ozzy Osborne is preparing for the final ever Black Sabbath gig this Saturday at Villa Park in Birmingham.

For almost 60 years, I've been making metal music.

60 years with the band, and I can remember it all like it was yesterday.

Sharon, what the f happened yesterday?

Staying with music, there was much controversy over the Glastonbury chants, of course, but one other story this week was that of legend slot headliner Sir Rod Stewart, urging the public to give Nigel Farage a chance.

Joining me now.

Oh, no, no, let me speak.

I was about to introduce you.

Give me a chance.

Just like the one Sir Rod wants to give me.

And he's right, because he's a proper man of the people, like me, isn't he?

with his finger on the pulse and millions in his bank account to protect him from the economic side effects of brexit

but why should our listeners take political advice from rod stewart of all people look rod's always been bang on the money when it comes to politics just look at maggie may which i believe is short for maggie thatcher may have been the best pm we ever had

if it wasn't for her regrettable support for the eu

and young turks which i understand to be a warning about the concerning rise of foreign-looking barber shops on UK high streets.

And sailing, which is a reminder to head down to Dover and be on the lookout for migrants on small boats.

Plus, some of the biggest hits were covers.

And if there's one thing Reform UK can offer voters, it's slightly different versions of the same stuff they've heard before.

Nigel Farage.

Do you think I'm sexy?

Absolutely not.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed-from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

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Just pour it in your fuel tank.

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Available everywhere, automotive products are sold.

Seafoam!

You're watching BBC News with me, Sophie Raworth.

Does anyone want to make up a four for Bridge?

This week, the Foreign Secretary David Lamy is visiting Turkey to deepen ties between the two countries.

We can go over now to his live televised address.

Can I just start by saying, and can I just add to following on from saying

that by starting by saying to our friends here in Turkey David David it's me David you're in a monologue here it's okay relax no one back home cares about the UK's relationship with Turkey unless it's Christmas not even you can lammy this one up

I am delighted to be here in Turkey.

I mean you can pretty much say anything and it won't really matter.

Because I am a big fan of your Twizzlers.

No, David!

That's the wrong turkey.

But don't worry, people will probably just think you were trying to make a joke.

As Foreign Secretary, I have been learning your language.

David,

where are you going with this?

David, you're doing a turkey noise.

You're dropping a big fat lammy.

Don't say another word.

People of Turkey.

David!

I said no speaking.

Just take this opportunity to be out of the spotlight and focus in on personal reflection and self-discovery.

And we might just get through this without you sticking your Lammy in it.

I have freed my mind.

I am relaxed.

Yes.

I am no longer the UK Foreign Secretary.

What?

I am the Dalai Lamy.

I'm Sarah Montague and this is the world at DEF CON 1.

Tennis now and Jack Draper joins me down the line from Wimbledon.

Jack, do you worry about the weight of the nation's expectations?

There was a concern, Sarah, yeah,

but thankfully I've brought in a new coach who's a specialist in managing those expectations.

Oh, really?

Who?

Yeah, sorry.

Hi, yeah, it's me.

Prime Minister.

Prime Minister, you're coaching Jack Draper at Wimbledon.

That's right.

You see, Jack was struggling with the pressure of being the solitary fragment of hope for a broken people, desperate for something to cheer about after a decade of anguish.

I don't know why, but it just seemed like a good fit.

And what advice did you have for him?

I told him to block out the noise, to focus on his own game, and most importantly, to remember that massively disappointing the public and erasing any goodwill the British people hold for you in just a matter of weeks is a Wimbledon and Prime Ministerial tradition.

You don't think that's just setting him up to fail?

Of course it is.

But this is Britain, Sarah.

A nation that rewards failure at every turn.

This is the nation that gave Tim Henman a hill.

Gareth Southgate, a knighthood.

Michael Gove, a peerage.

Rory Stewart, a podcast.

I wish Jack Draper nothing but a humiliating climb down at the hands of his own backbenchers.

I mean, coaches like me.

And I'm just hearing Jack Draper has been knocked out in the second round.

My work here is done.

Welcome to Uncanny.

I'm Danny Robbins, Doris Stokes for Hipsters.

Your guide to a world of paranormal activity almost impossible to explain unless you switch a light on.

In this terrifying summer special, I'm here at the Reform UK headquarters in London.

No, no, no, let me spook.

Anyway, it's me, Nigel Farage, aka the Gout Father.

You're hired, son.

You start Monday.

Hired?

What are you talking about?

You hunt ghosts, right?

Well, I do explore the boundaries between the people.

Yes, yes, yes, whatever.

Big Nige is a great believer in the spirit world.

Nothing washes down seven points of Grifter's old bastard than a cheeky yard of gin.

But the thing is, you may know that our new chairman, David Bull, used to present Most Haunted.

But I reckon we need a younger ghost hunter to pull in the TikTok lot.

Bloody hell, Nige.

I'm a bit of a team sceptic about that.

Why is being a ghost hunter a prerequisite for being reform chairman?

Because this is reform.

We don't use focus groups.

We use Ouija boards.

Contacting the dead is a big part of getting our vote out.

Anyway, enough idle chit-chat.

The job is yours.

Wait, just one moment.

How did I not spot this before?

You dress in old-fashioned clothes, you make a room go cold just by entering it.

And you have opinions from a previous century.

Nigel, I think you might be a ghost.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm not a ghost.

Really?

Then how come everyone can see right through you?

Welcome back to Wimbledon.

If you were watching the tennis here on BBC One, switch over now to BBC Two.

Then in 10 minutes, switch over to BBC 4, then 2 again, then 1, then back to 4.

Whoops, two services on 3 again, you missed it.

The BBC Wimbledon coverage, bop it for adults.

We can cross now to Isha Guha.

Thanks, Claire.

Yes, we've been spotting celebrities in the crowd, and I'm with Kemi Baidenock.

Kemi, are you enjoying the tennis?

That's right, yes.

Although I am not interested in tennis, I just like to use the rackets when I need to drain a tin of tuna.

Right.

And what do you think of the atmosphere here at Wimbledon?

I did not like the beginning of the week when the heat made my hazmat suit very uncomfortable.

And it's extremely difficult to find any gravy to put on my strawberries.

Sorry, why are you eating strawberries with gravy in a hazmat suit?

Because, Isha, I am a low-energy weirdo.

See how I lie on the floor, silently rolling tennis balls over my face while applauding match points in binary in case the wombles are watching.

So you do sometimes follow tennis?

No.

Because I don't like grass or clay.

I like all my surfaces to be made of cat hair and nightmares.

I think we'll leave that there.

I'm joined again now by Andy Murray.

I'm here, but I'm still not moving, Isha, as I continue to take the place of my own forthcoming statue.

I think I like this man.

He is a low-energy weirdo.

Thank you.

I like your hazmat suit.

Thank you.

Would you like some strawberries and gravy?

Don't mind if I do.

That's right, yes.

You're watching the BBC News with me, Clive Myrie.

It's okay, you can relax.

They thoroughly checked my hard drive.

Back now to our main story: the ongoing scrutiny of the BBC following the BBC's coverage of the BBC's Glastonbury coverage.

I'm joined here at the BBC by my BBC colleague, the BBC's Laura Koonsberg.

And Clive, this is of course the latest in a long line of BBC scandals that we've reported here on the BBC and that's why I've now been appointed as the BBC's new BBC correspondent.

And what will that involve?

Ensuring BBC viewers get comprehensive BBC coverage of the BBC on the BBC by the BBC but in a BBC balanced way.

And in the current media landscape it's more important than ever to have a trusted BBC voice to tell you that the BBC has lost the public's trust.

Laura, do you not think that there are questions for the BBC around you appearing on the BBC to discuss the BBC when you yourself are employed by the BBC?

It's a legitimate concern, Clive, which is where my BBC colleague, the BBC's Amil Rajan, comes in.

Oh, thanks, Laura.

It's because, to go with my other 4,000 roles here at the BBC,

I've just been appointed to scrutinise Laura's work as the BBC's BBC correspondent in my new position as the BBC's BBC correspondent correspondent.

Amal Rajan there, the BBC's new BBC correspondent correspondent.

We should make clear, of course, that while all of us work for the BBC, none of us represents the BBC.

So let's speak now to pretty much the only person who does represent the BBC.

Hey, now, who is that that summons the great Lord Wogan

from his unquiet sojourn over here in the old nether regions?

Sir Terry, thank you for joining us.

It has, not to put too fine a point on it, all gone tits up again here at the BBC.

Hey, sadly so, sadly so.

But any big organization will make mistakes.

So what I'd say to my BBC compadres is this.

For pity's sake, stop this endless self-flagellation in an attempt to pacify a right-wing press that will use anything that the BBC does as a stick to beat them with because it has an agenda of furthering its own media interests, which are in direct competition with the BBC's.

That, Suteri, is a very powerful response.

It's called taking the old noggin out of the old fundament.

Hey, you ought to try it sometime.

Dared Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis McLeod, Jess Robinson, and Duncan Wisby.

The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Rob Darr, Sophie Dixon, Toussaint Douglas, Peter Talouch, Tom Coles, Edward Chu, and John Holmes.

With additional material by Davina Bentley, Vicki Richards, Ali Panty, Pete Redford, Declan Kennedy.

It was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

Daredringers was created by Bill Dare, and the producer was John Holmes.

Hello, Russell Kane here.

I used to love British history.

Be proud of it.

Henry VIII, Queen Victoria, massive fan of stand-up comedians.

Obviously, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor.

That has become much more challenging, for I am the host of BBC Radio 4's Evil Genius, the show where we take heroes and villains from history and try to work out were they evil or genius.

Do not catch up on BBC Sounds by searching Evil Genius if you don't want to see your heroes destroyed.

But if, like me, you quite enjoy it, have a little search.

Listen to Evil Genius with me, Russell Kane.

Go to BBC Sounds and have your world destroyed.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

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